[ return from commercial with close-up bumper of Steve Martin sitting next to a cockatiel, each with hair standing on end ]
[ dissolve to Steve, Prince and the cast standing at Home Base. The opening credit tag “Executive Producer: Lorne Michaels” is already on the screen; Steve stands solemn, not sure what to make of it, while Prince smiles and tries not to laugh. The tag dissolves away, and Steve finally discovers he can deliver his final lines for the show. ]
Steve Martin: Oh! [ everyone in the crowd laughs and acts surprised ] Thanks to.. Prince! [ everyone screams “Yeah!” ] Alec Baldwin! Jimmy Fallon! [ steps aside so we can see: ] Tamar! I had a great time, see you again!
[Opens with Steve Martin walking around in a two-toned brown room while talking on his cell phone]
Steve Martin: No, no, no, Ill be home by morning. Im just doing this, uh, corporate gig, I dont know, some corporation, I dont know. I just do ten minutes of old stuff, you know, take a few pictures, they pay me a ton of money and they give me a private jet and I fly home. Yeah, it is pretty wonderful being Steve Martin. I miss you, too. I love you, too. Okay. Bye-bye, Britney Spears.
[The Hamas leaders, laughing excitedly, walk into the room]
Hamas Leader #1: Mr. Martin, Mr. Steve Martin!
[The four excitedly shake hands and exchange greetings]
Hamas Leader #1: We are so excited to have you hear. This is going to be a great event. This is a great day for Hamas!
Steve Martin: Hamas?
Hamas Leader #1: Yes, I cant believe the week we are having! First, we win the election, which Hamas Leader #2: We did not think we would win!
Hamas Leader #3: We are totally jazzed!
Hamas Leader #1: And then the great Steve Martin agrees to perform at our celebration party!
Steve Martin: The celebration party for Hamas? Yknow, I didnt realize thats what tonights event was about; Im not sure if Im the appropriate entertainment for a Hamas party.
Hamas Leader #1: Dont be ridiculous, you are a giant star in Palestine; we love all three of your movies, uh, The Jerk, uh, The Man with Two Brains, uh
Hamas Leader #3: The Muppet Movie!
Steve Martin: Well, Ive been in dozens of movies since then.
Hamas Leader #2: Those are the only three that have opened here so far uh, but the previews for My Blue Heaven look hilarious!
Hamas Leaders: [nod and comment in agreement]
Steve Martin: Thank you, thats very sweet.
Hamas Leader #1: Oh, you are a hero here for you comic genius, your ability to play tender moments, and your well-known hatred for the state of Eesrael!
Steve Martin: Whuh-oh, whoa, I do not hate the state of Israel!
Hamas Leader #1: Thats not what we read in Star Magazine!
Steve Martin: Star Magazine? They get everything wrong! They said I sleep in a coffin!
Hamas Leader #1: Eeh, you are perfect host for Hamas: A Victory Celebration!
Hamas Leader #3: Live on Al-Jazeera!
Steve Martin: Live on I didnt know this was gonna be televised!
Hamas Leader #1: Yes, yes, of course, thats why your agent said we had to pay the extra 500,000 dollars!
Steve Martin: Oh, right, yeah. What time do I go on?
Hamas Leader #1: Twenty minutes. Youre on after Toby Keith.
Hamas Leader #2: Do you have some jokes about Fatah [Palestines largest political party]? Oh, I cannot wait! I bet you got some crazy jokes about Fatah!
Steve Martin: Well, I do usually just do my act, I got some King Tut stuff; thats Egyptian, you know
Hamas Leader #2: Oh, you know what would be so great? If you could mention Hachmed Halach!
[All three eagerly laugh in agreement]
Hamas Leader #3: Ohh, that would be hilarious!
Hamas Leader #2: You could reference the time that his device failed to detonate!
Hamas Leader #3: [somewhat unintelligible] Oh, you gotta do it, you gotta do it!
Hamas Leader #2: He also loves golf!
Hamas Leader #3: Oh, he does, he does.
Steve Martin: Yeah, I dont really do special material, so
Hamas Leader #1: Look, uh, well give you an extra 20,000 dollars.
Steve Martin: [takes out his checkbook] Whats his name?
Hamas Leader #2: [emphatically] Hachmed
Steve Martin: Yeah?
Hamas Leader #2: Halach.
Steve Martin: Halach. Okay, I thought you guys were broke.
Hamas Leader #1: Eh.
Hamas Leader #2: Broke-eesh.
Hamas Leader #1: Uh, listen, were going to leave you alone to get into your comedy head space, you know
Steve Martin: No, Im good, thanks, uh, but when you introduce me, can you say, uh, star of Pink Panther, in theatres everywhere? Is that too weird? Is that okay?
Hamas Leader #3: [annoyed] Yeah, we got it, man. Your agent told us like ten times already.
Steve Martin: [to himself] Okay, on one hand [holds up one fist], I become known as an anti-Semite, on the other hand [holds up the other hand], I get to promote Pink Panther. What would the studio want?
[Fade to footage of a Hamas rally/outdoor event]
V/O: [speaking in Arabic/somewhat unintelligible English] heeeeeeres Steve Martin!
[Steve runs onstage in front of a group of gun-toting males dressed in stereotypical guerrilla-type attire]
Steve Martin: Thank you, thanks very much! What a great, great crowd! You know, as a comic I love playing Palestine cause when you bomb in America they boo you, but when you bomb here you get 72 virgins!
[The crowd goes wild; someone shoots his machine gun several times]
Steve Martin: Thank you You know, the other day I was golfing with Akmed Halach and [crowd goes wild again]
[Fade out]
Submitted by: Carolyn Brown
[Note: Akmed Halach, not Hachmed Halach, is the Syrian ambassador to the UAE.]
[ the audience cheers as Steve Martin arrives at Home Base ]
Steve Martin: I — that’s alright, thank you! [ the audience continues to cheer ] Thank you. I-I’m Steve Martin, and I’m thrilled to be here hosting “Saturday Night live” for a record 14th time! This – this – this will be a very emotional night for me. [ mocks an emotional outburst ] It’s going to be hard to keep from crying! This is such a big week – I have “Pink Panther” opening next Friday.. but, to think, it was almost exactly thirty years ago to the day that I first hosted “Saturday Night Live” – today is February 4th, and it was February 5th, 1976, and I remember standing here thirty years ago doing my monologue, and I heard, backstage, Belushi and Aykroyd, and — no, wait. It was February 6th, sorry. And, behind me, I still hear Belushi — no, it was April. Sorry. April – it was April 11th. So, anyway, I was backstage, and I’m with Chevy — it was April 17th, I’m sorry. And Aykroyd comes up — no, it was not April, because I remember we had these heavy coats on. It was January. It was January 11th, and, uh.. Belushi comes down the hallway wearing some crazy outfit, and he said to me, “What are you doing for Christmas?” [ Steve stares blankly across the stage ] You know what? It was December – it was December 1980, now that I’m thinking about it. But – I just love that story.
You know, I was rummaging through my memory box, and I found some old photos of me and the cast, and I get so moved when I look into their faces. I would love to share these potoa with you. Can you show those, please? [ an old black-and-white picture of Steve ] There’s Laraine Newman.. [ dissolve to a black-and-white photo of Steve as Yortuk Festrunk ] Dan Aykroyd.. [ dissolve to another black-and-white photo of Steve ] And, of course, the great Chevy Chase.
But, you know, uh.. I enjoy the current cast so much, with, uh.. what’s-his-name.. and the other guy, and, uh.. the black guy – I think they’re great. But, uh, it’s the women of “SNL” that I enjoy the most, uh.. [ Steve’s Viagra clock re-appears on the screen; its rotation is more than half complete ] Let’s see, I’m thinking of.. Rachel, and.. Amy, uh.. Kristen.. Tina. But I’d like to welcome back Maya Rudolph – this is her first show back since October. Maya?
[ Maya Rudolph steps onto the stage and stands next to Steve ]
Maya Rudolph: It’s great to be back here.
Steve Martin: Well, you look great, you look absolutely great.
Maya Rudolph: Thank you so much. I just wanted to say, it’s such an unbelievable honor to work with you, you have no idea. I am just such a huge fan —
[ Steve’s Viagra clock completes its rotation, as a “Boi-i-i-ing!” sound effect goes off ]
Maya Rudolph: — I mean, since I was a kid. You’re one of my absolute heroes —
Steve Martin: [ feeling a little uncomfortable ] Yeah. Okay, well, thank you. Thank you for coming by. [ Maya exits the stage ] You know what, let’s just keep this moving. We’ve got a great musical guest tonight, it’s, uh.. it’s, uh.. it’s, uh.. [ another “Boi-i-i-ing!” sound effect goes off ] Prince is here. So, stick around, and we’ll be right back. [ yet another “Boi-i-i-ing!” sound effect goes off ] Yeah! Okay..
…..Steve Martin …..Lorne Michaels …..Chris Parnell …..Alec Baldwin …..Jimmy Fallon
[ open on interior, Lorne Michaels’ office. Lorne is playing Snood on his computer as Steve Martin rushes in. ]
Steve Martin: Lorne! Lorne! We got the early ratings in, and they’re sky high! And the critics are already saying this is one of the funniest shows ever!
Lorne Michaels: That’s great!
Steve Martin: So.. so, I want to renegotiate my contract. I want more money!
Lorne Michaels: [ laughs ] Can’t – can’t do it.
Steve Martin: Lorne, what-what did – what did you pay me the first time I hosted in 1976?
Lorne Michaels: $5,000?
Steve Martin: And what are you paying me now, in 2006?
Lorne Michaels: $5,000.
Steve Martin: I want five-thousand, five-hundred!
Lorne Michaels: Steve, I can’t do it. It sets a bad precedent.
Steve Martin: How much do you get per show?
Lorne Michaels: [ laughs ] I don’t see how that —
Steve Martin: How much?! Come on, how much?!
Lorne Michaels: [ relunctantly ] $12 million.
Steve Martin: Does that seem fair to you?
[ Chris Parnell runs into the office ]
Chris Parnell: Steve! We need downstairs for the next sketch!
Lorne Michaels: [ coolly ] So what’s it going to be, Steve – the money, or the show must go on?
[ dramatic music pulses up, as the camera cuts between Steve, Chris and Lorne. Open-mouthed, Steve finally finds the nerve to give his answer: ]
Steve Martin: I’m not going on!
Lorne Michaels: Don’t push me, Steve. I have options.
[ a tense Steve turns his head to reveal a bruised and battered Alec Baldwin sprawled against the couch in Lorne’s office ]
Alec Baldwin: [ a wee bit woozy ] I’m ready, Boss.
[ Jimmy Fallon positions his head into frame next to Alec Baldwin ]
Jimmy Fallon: I’m ready, too, uh.. if he doesn’t want to — [ the audience cheers with excitement ]
Steve Martin: Damn you, Lorne Michaels! You know me too well! [ turns toward the door ] I’m going on! [ exits Lorne’s office ]
Lorne Michaels: Jimmy — uh.. we showed him, didn’t we, Alec?
Alec Baldwin: I want pie!
Lorne Michaels: Jimmy, will you take him down to see the nurse? I think there may be head damage.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. [ to Alec ] Come on, buddy. Let’s go.
Alec Baldwin: Joey, I want pie!
Jimmy Fallon: [ stands Alec up and motions him toward the door ] We’ll get pie, yeah, we’ll get pie. Medicine pie.
Oprah Winfrey…..Maya Rudolph Freedman…..Steve Martin
[ open on opening graphics for “Oprah” ]
[ dissolve to the “Oprah” set, as extends her arms to the thunderous applause of her all-female audience ]
Oprah Winfrey: Welcome baaaaaaaaaaaccckkk!! [ cups her hands to her face ] Hoo-hoooooooo!! Thank you! Okay, stop it! [ audience continues to cheer ] Stop it! [ they continue ] Sit! [ they won’t stop ] Seriously! [ they still won’t stop ] Seriously!! [ the applause dies in an instant ] Today’s show.. is very serious. So, everyone please take the smiles off of your faces. Okay, I think everyone knows it’s been a challenging time lately for Oprah, here on the “Oprah” show. Especially in regards to the oprah Book Club. Oprah. [ audience awwws ] Yeah. It was not so long ago, that author James Frey, as the great Maya Angelou would say, “Dicked me over.” Earlier today, as I was taking my hot air balloon ride, I had a thought. And that thought was: “Society values.. truth!” [ audience cheers yeah!” ] Thank you. Now I know you’ve all been enjoying March’s Oprah’s Book Club selection, the emotionally devastating memoir by Stone Freeman: “Skating at the Bottom of the Ocean.” [ audience applauds ] But, but, but – not so fast, people. I was just informed, via e-mail from the Travoltas, that this book may be riddled with untruths!
Voice from the Audience: Oh, my Go-o-o-d!
Oprah Winfrey: Exactly, lady. So, I have invited the author to come on and attempt to speak as I tear him a new one. Please welcome – and I’ll ask you not to stand or applaud – author of “Skating at the Bottom of the Ocean” – Stone Freeman.
[ Stone Freeman enters the stage, attempts to shake oprah’s hand but is ignored. He takes his seat. ]
Stone Freeman: [ cheerfully ] Hi, Oprah. Thank you for having me.
Oprah Winfrey: [ scornful ] Stone. It is obviously not a pleasure having you here. Because you duped me. You dupity-duped me.
Stone Freeman: Oprah, I swear on a stack of my own books, that my memoir is 100% true.
Oprah Winfrey: So you’re saying that everything in this book is true?
Stone Freeman: 100% true, with a margin of error of 100%.
Oprah Winfrey: I see. so, what parts of the book are not true?
Stone Freeman: Well, it’s not so much that they are untrue, as much as they are true-less. Or lie-ish.
Oprah Winfrey: Stone, I am giving you a chance to admit to any falsehoods, right here and now. And I think it would be wise of you to take advantage of this.. Oprah-tunity.
Stone Freeman: Well, keep in mind that when I wrote this book, I was cross-addicted to over-the-counter nasal sprays, Almaden jugged wine, and, of course, crack cocaine.
Oprah Winfrey: Okay. S-so, you’re saying that you were addicted to cocaine?!
Stone Freeman: Didn’t say that, no. Actually, that was a typo. It was chapstick. But, one time, I did venture, uh, most of the into a shady neighborhood with the intent to buy crack cocaine, but I was hit by a car – no, I wasn’t.
Oprah Winfrey: So the first sentence in Chapter 4 states: “I awoke in a shady neighborhood, in a crack cocaine haze with tire tracks across my face.” That’s not a true statement?
Stone Freeman: Did you know, that in some languages, the word “true” is the same as the word “lie”?
Oprah Winfrey: Really? Is that true?
Stone Freeman: No, that’s a lie.
Oprah Winfrey: Ugh! S-so, when you say you were trapped for three months in a cage with a howler monkey..?
Stone Freeman: I meant, I was trapped zero months in nothing with a no monkey. But my favorite animal is the monkey – no, it is not.
Oprah Winfrey: So all of Chapter 4 was, as my good friend Harry Belefont would say, “a steaming pile of shizz“?
Stone Freeman: No. some of Chapter 4 is true. It is the fourth chapter, and I do have parents.
Oprah Winfrey: Alright, then, in Chapter 16, you did not “lose an eye in a carjacking, store it in a Slurpee to keep it fresh, then pay a Native-American prostitute to pop it back in?”
Stone Freeman: [ points behind Oprah ] Look over there!
Oprah Winfrey: Where?
[ as Oprah turns to look, Stone reaches over, tears the page out of the book and tosses it behind the couch ]
Stone Freeman: That’s not in there. Now, look, Oprah, I’m not going to lie to you. Every page of this book is a lie, and that is the God’s honest truth.
Oprah Winfrey: Well, I hope you’re sorry about all of this, Stone Freeman.
Stone Freeman: Well, I’m not, and that’s a lie. And I’d like to thank you for being on my show! [ stands and shakes her hand ]
Oprah Winfrey: [ stands cheerfully as well ] Oh! Well, thank you so much for having me!
Stone Freeman: So, thank you very much! Oprah Winfrey! How about that!
Oprah Winfrey: That’s wonderful — [ starts to walk away, then: ] Wait a minute! This is my show!
Stone Freeman: Hey, check this out! [ swings his arms and dances his way out of the studio ]
Oprah Winfrey: [ sits ] Coming up next, we’ll release author Stone Freeman into the wolds of the Harpo Studios compound and hunt him down like a wild turkey. [ retrieves a crossbow from behind the couch ] Right after this.
[ the theme music and graphics play out as Oprah rushes off the set ][ fade ]
…..Steve Martin …..Kelly Ripa Jimmy…..Michael Anthony …..Alec Baldwin …..Andy Samberg …..Lorne Michaels
[ open on Steve Martin sitting at a table at Elaine’s with Kelly Ripa ]
Steve Martin: Well, Kelly, these rendezvous’ have worked out pretty well.
Kelly Ripa: Yes, they have, Steve.
Steve Martin: So, uh, who do you think? Is tonight the night?
Kelly Ripa: I don’t know. I’ve never cheated ob my husband before.
Steve Martin: They don’t mind.
Kelly Ripa: So you’ve been telling me.
Steve Martin: So, uh.. shall I take the Viagra? [ holds up his Viagra pill ]
Kelly Ripa: Well, how long does it take to take effect?
Steve Martin: With me – fifteen, twenty minutes.
Kelly Ripa: That sounds about right.
[ Steve puts the pill in his mouth and downs it with a glass of water. As he does, his viagra clock appears on the lower right corner of the screen and begins ticking away ]
Kelly Ripa: I’m really flattered you’re even out tonight.
Steve Martin: And why is that?
Kelly Ripa: Because Alec Baldwin is hosting “Saturday Night Live” tonight, and he’s going to tie your record.
[ cut to close-up of the horrified look on Steve’s face ]
[ cuts to Steve running out of Elaine’s and into the street ]
Steve Martin: Limo! Limo! Limo! [ a taxi pulls up ] Oh, please! [ the taxi pulls away, as a limo pulls up and Steve climbs in ] NBC! [ the limo speeds away ]
[ cut to Alec Baldwin being prepped in his dressing room by Jimmy, a drink in one hand and pictures of himself all around the room ]
Jimmy: Well, Mr. Baldwin, tonight’s the night you tie Steve Martin’s record for hosting.
Alec Baldwin: Well, Jimmy, it’s not really about that.
Jimmy: I’ll go get your sock garters.
Alec Baldwin: [ to himself ] It’s your night, Big Guy. The night we crush that little clown monkey.
[ cut to exterior shot of NBC ]
[ cut to interior, halls of Studio 8-H, as Steve wanders down the corridor, shirking away as a maid passes ]
[ cut back to Alec’s dressing room ]
Alec Baldwin: Jimmy, tonight we move into the record books.
[ Steve, dressed as Jimmy, rises from beyond Alec and chokes him with the measuring tape and smiles ]
[ cut to the hallway, as Steve carries Alec’s body, which is wrapped in the carpet, through the studio’s halls ]
Steve Martin: Hey, Andy.
Andy Samberg: Ah, hey, Mr. Martin. You hosting the show tonight?
Steve Martin: Only if they need me.
[ Steve passes a frantic Lorne Michaels, flanked by Will Forte and Bill Hader, in the hall ]
Lorne Michaels: We can’t find Alec Baldwin. Somebody call Tom Hanks.
[ Steve punches Lorne in the face and continues down the hall, dragging the carpet and Alec with him ]
[ Steve drops the carpet out of the window; it lands with a thud in the middle of the Rockefeller Center skating rink ]
Steve Martin: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[dissolve to New York City traffic with title: “The Tangent”]
[dissolve to outdoor steps with a man and woman walking towards each other]
Liz: Hey, Joel, how are you?! I’ve been meaning to call you! How was that restaurant you went to the other night?
Joel: [scoffs] They were closed! I guess they have two different locations, so we ended up going to the one uptown, but the name changed because the manager changed the name because there’s two owners, …
Liz: Oh.
Joel: …but at the same time I thought, “Why can’t we just, like, come a little bit earlier [Liz looks over her shoulder, nervously] to have some of the steak, and some of the fish that they have, …
Liz: Right. [nods]
Joel: …and some of the vegetables that they have, …
Liz: I know. That–
Joel: …some of the fruits that they have, some of the salads that they have, some of the broccoli that they have, some of the peas that they have,” [Liz looks over her shoulder again and then at her watch] and the thing with New York is, any place, like, above 42nd Street usually closes before 10pm, so you’re not able to find the table that you want, [Liz walks past Joel and continues away] you’re not able to order drinks, and even something with alcohol, alcohol sometimes has sugars in it, [a man in a suit, an agent, walks past Joel, but then doubles back to consider him more closely] which would set of any of the same allergic reactions that it would with any other kind of sugar products, be it cakes, be it any kind of cereals that have sugars on them; [the agent chuckles] that’s an obvious thing to do–
[jump-cut to the man talking on his cell phone]
Agent: Jerry, it’s me. Listen, I’m on the street. He’s exactly what we’re looking for. No, here, I’ll put you on with him. Listen, listen.
Joel: …cover up the entire thing. Passports have to change every four years, no matter what– [jump cut to Jerry’s office] home-made tennis racket. This way, if I had my own Band-Aids, my own bandages, at least I could hide them…
Jerry: Yeah.
Joel: …underneath the sink…
Agent: Yeah?
Joel: …so that no one could find them, so they’re kind of my Band-Aids…
Jerry: Let’s see how he does in front of an audience.
Joel: …there’s no way– [jump cut to Joel on stage in a performance space] She even said to me she was terrified because she didn’t think there was a driver on the rollercoaster. I said, “Well, that’s impossible; [Jerrypoints affirmatively at the agent] there are no drivers on rollercoa– [jump cut to an office] and then kind of, like, went back downstairs to find a pretzel. [the agent takes Joel’s hand and signs a contract] Okay, pretzels are, by the way…
Jerry: Let’s get you in the movies.
Joel: …absolutely cheap– [jump cut to Joel being fitted by a man and a woman in a wardrobe] And as soon as you take apart a glider, there’s no way you can really rebuild it– [jump cut to Joel on the set of a movie, dressed as a futuristic astronaut] And in fact, that kind of makes you a professional camper. See, it’s sweet, it’s hot, it’s cold, it’s everything all in one…
[Scarlett Johanssen arrives in a bathrobe]
Scarlett Johanssen: Hi, I’m Scarlett. It’s so nice to meet you–so nice to be working with you, gosh.
Joel: …you know, they don’t even have the jurisdiction to even define what a monsoon is. [a woman places a futuristic space helmet over his head] A monsoon is up to the person; it depends what island you’re on …
[nods interestedly] Yeah.
Joel: …there’s no way that anyone can judge that– [jump cut to the set of “Total Request Live,” with a VJ and a cheering studio audience holding signs that include “Joel is Hot” and “Marry Me Joel”] because that numbs it. That numbs exactly what the skull is gonna say, and as far as the messages being sent out by the brain– [jump cut to Joel at the NBC News desk with Brian Williams] That kind of dance is not considered an art form. I mean, sure, it could be dance therapy, but I still think– [jump cut to Joel as a guest on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”]
Conan O’Brien: Okay, well, the movie opens tomorrow, everywhere. Thanks for stopping by, Joel. Really great stuff.
Joel: …then, experimented with that in some parts of the laboratory…
Conan O’Brien: We’ll be right back! [turns to Joel, smiling, and nods]
Joel: …and the scientists weren’t really sure– [jump cut to Joel in the producer’s office] And they said, “You know something? I brought my daughter down here for a haircut, and you gave her a crew cut…
Jerry: This is a problem. Your movie ate [bleep] at the box office.
Joel: …’cause, you know something? You asked for one, you’re gonna get one. And you know something? I think she looks great. And, besides, I don’t even cut hair…
Jerry: I don’t know what I ever saw in you.
Joel: …back over there. And I said, “You know what? Everyone in this room gets crew cuts. And they said, “No, sir. They’re illegal…
Jerry: [shouting into intercom] Would someone get him the [bleep] out of my office?!
Joel: …just something else– [jump cut to a car dropping Joel off at the steps where he started] A breathing apparatus means it’s going to be heavy. That’s like the same thing as saying that a wig is false. I mean, obviously that’s what the case is. But, anyway, overall, the restaurant was pretty good. Liz? [he looks around and shrugs to find himself alone, and he exits]
(Opens with USA Today headline: Super Bowl XL Detroit.February 5, 2006. Next is a headline from the DetroitFree Press:Aaron Neville, Aretha Franklin and Dr. Johnsing national anthem. Shot of Ford Field Stadium.Banner: Super XL Bowl.)
Caption: Detroit. Saturday, Feb. 4th
(Cut to inside of the arena.Two security guys inyellow jackets stand-by. A male and female coordinatorteam appears with black jackets of Super Bowl XL andearpieces)
Female Coordinator: OK, Aaron, Mr. Neville we don’thave a lot of time for these rehearsals. This is yourmark for the national anthem right here.(Points at thebase of the microphone. Aaron Neville enters with hissleeveless jean jacket) I’m going to need you righthere.
Aaron Neville: (Sings) I don’t know much, about thisSuper Bowl, but I do know that I’d like a bowl ofgumbo-o-o-o.
Male Coordinator: Wow! That was great. You reallysound great, Mr. Neville.
Aaron Neville: No, seriously. I need some food. I’mhypoglycemic. If my blood sugar is too low, I fall onmy ass and smash my booty bone.
(Big tittied Aretha shows up)
Aretha Franklin: Is somebody talking about gettingsome food?! Cause if they give him some food, theybetter give me some food. Shoot!
Female Coordinator: OK, Aretha, we’re not quite readyfor you yet.
Aretha Franklin: Well then you best gets ready, sista!And (sings)you better think!….think about getting mesome biscuits!
Male Coordinator: OK, Aretha what kind of food can we get you?
Aretha Franklin: Well….
(Scraggly looking,gray haired, bearded, with a leatherblack beret, Dr John walks in)
Dr. John: (sings) I love that chicken from Popeye’s!
Male Coordinator: Sorry, what?
Dr. John: Yeah, looky here, my name is Dr. John. Howyou doin’. AKA Mr. Mac Rebennack. That’s mysuggestion. The Popeye’s is. I’m paid to sing thePopeye’s jingle but I also think it’s pretty damn good grub.
Aretha Franklin: Popeye’s suits me just fine,baby!(leaves)
Male Coordinator: OK, I’m on it.(leaves)
Female Coordinator: Yeah, you guys, we need you tokeep this moving, OK? We got the Rolling Stones inhere. We don’t have a lot of time.
Dr. John: All right, well you just holler when you needme, OK? I’m gonna pass out underneath that tarp overthere.(leaves)
Aaron Neville: Ooh-Wee! This stadium air is dry. Ineed to moisturize my face, neck and chiseled biceps.
Female Coordinator: I’m sure we can track down somelotion for you, Aaron.
Aaron Neville: I don’t use lotion. I usebutter.(sings)Fine, fine cocoa buttha-a-a-a. CreoleKing cocoa butter, makes my skin feel smo-o-o-o-oth!
Female Coordinator: OK, we’re not doing a commercialhere, Aaron.
Aaron Neville: Oh, that’s too bad. Because cocoabutter keeps my skin supple while accentuating thecontrast of my tattoos.(Aretha appears)
Aretha Franklin: Tattoo? Back in the 70’s I went outon a date with Tattoo. Herve Villechaize. That’sright! I picked him up and threw him through abasketball hoop. That little bastard got so mad healmost tried to stab me! Now, that’s what I call foreplay!
(Horatio looks at Kenan, Kenan stifles a laugh)
Female Coordinator: Wow, that’s an inspirational storyAretha but we really need to get through the anthemone time. At least once.
Aaron Neville: Excuse me. I have a question. Is itpossible for me to get a stand or a little stoolperhaps so I can set my cocoa butter on.
Female Coordinator:(on her earpiece)OK, can we getMr.Neville a stool, please?
Aretha Franklin: Oh yeah, I want a stool too baby! Areal high one that I can rest my titties on!(Girlbrings in 2 stools, waist level)No,no,no. This is nothigh enough, sugar! This ain’t high enough! I’m gonnahave to take my brassier off to use this!
Female Coordinator: OK, look everyone, let’s gettogether and let’s run this thing! Dr John, please!
(Dr.John appears with stuffed, giant rabbit holding afootball while Aaron applies fine cocoa butter on hisarms)
Dr. John: Oh,oh,oh hey!,looky here what I just won and/or stole!
Female Coordinator: Aaron, why don’t you start it off?Let’s do it!
Aaron Neville: OK, I’ll start it off.(Into the mic,Star Spangled Banner)Oh, say can yousee-hee-hee-heee-hoo–huu-hiii!By the dawns earlylightshiii-hoo–hoo-hee-hoo-hoo-haa-hee-haa-hee-hii-huu(littlecrack up)hee.(Smears more cocoa butter)What’s soproudly we hailed….
(Male coordinator arrives with 3 boxes of Popeye’s chicken)
Dr. John: Hey! the food guy’s back! Let’s get the helloutta here!!
Aretha Franklin: Come on, Neville! Come on!
(Aretha grabs the 3 boxes of Popeye’s chicken, Aarontakes a piece of chicken)
Dr. John:(sings)I do love that chicken from Popeye’s!!
(Aretha, Aaron and Dr.John haul ass)
Female Coordinator: Guys!,please! OK, well I thinkthat went really well.
Male Coordinator: Yes, that was the smoothest runthrough yet, those guys are pros.
Brody…..Andy Samberg Ted…..Steve Martin Dragon…..Jason Sudeikis Slapshot…..Seth Meyers Colossus…..Fred Armisen Weinerman…..Bill Hader Buttfish…..Will Forte The Chick…..Kristen Wiig
[open on stock footage of surfers on a large wave]
[dissolve to a group of young surfers in wetsuits and one middle-aged man, Ted, in a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts, all gathered on a beach]
Brody: All right, everyone. Thanks for meeting me down here. There’s something we need to discuss, so listen up. Now, you may have noticed that someone in our group doesn’t really fit in and has been ruining our surf sessions.
[the young surfers nod and murmer their agreement]
Ted: Wow, that person sounds totally un-gnarly.
Brody: You’re right, Ted. They’re not gnarly. They’re not gnarly at all. Now, I think we’ve given this person as many hints as we possibly can. But, unfortunately, they still don’t get it.
Ted: What a loser, huh? Who is this guy?
Brody: Actually, he’s in the circle right now, Ted.
Ted: One of the bro-hams? No way!
Brody: Yeah, Ted. One of the bro-hams.
Ted: Oooooh! [makes a diving and sinking motion with his hand] Wipe-out!
Brody: Right. Uh, now, I think the time has come–
Ted: Sorry to interrupt, Brody. But have you ever been out on the ocean, surfing, and you’re getting bodacious, and it’s killer, and you’re having a great time with your bros and it’s gnarly? Has that ever happened to you?
Brody: Yeah, it has, Ted. It’s happened to all of us.
Ted: Oh, cool, radical.
Brody: Now, I know none of us wants to hurt this person’s feelings, but–
Ted: Okay, you know what, we can play this game all day, guys, but we’re clearly never going to figure out who this mystery person is. So I motion that we grab our surfboards, catch some waves, and have a wicked session and be in the tube!
Brody: Ted–
Ted: Look, Brody, before you say anything else, I just want you guys to know that the last couple of weeks have been the best of my life. So I think–
Brody: Ted! It’s you! Okay? We’re talking about you.
Ted: What? Me?! It can’t be me; I’ve been talking this whole time, trying to figure out who it is!
Brody: [nods] Uh-huh.
Ted: Really? This is just shocking. And you all feel this way?
[all of the surfers nod]
Ted: Even you, Dragon?
Dragon: Yeah.
Ted: And you, Slapshot?
Slapshot: Yeah.
Ted: And you, Colossus?
Colossus: Absolutely.
Ted: And you, Weinerman?
Weinerman: One hundred percent.
Ted: Really? All of you?
Brody: We all feel that way, Ted.
Ted: Even you, Buttfish?
Buttfish: Yeah.
Ted: Ugh. Dragonfly, seriously?
Dragon: I already said yes.
Ted: Okay, now, you’re firm on that? And, Slapshot, are you firm?
Slapshot: Yeah, I think we’re all firm.
Ted: Ooh, okay, well, I guess I’ll be on my way. But before I go, would anyone like to come with me? Colossus?
Colossus: No, I’m good.
Ted: Buttfish?
Brody: Ted! Please go.
Ted: Okay, I’m leaving. But before I go, I’d like to hear Buttfish’s answer.
Buttfish: No.
Ted: No, you’re not going to answer, or no, you’re not going to go with me?
Buttfish: I’m not going to go with you.
Ted: Okay. And you all feel this way?
Slapshot: Oh, my God.
Ted: All right, look. I can take a hint. Dragon, I don’t remember hearing your answer. Did you say…
Dragon: Yeah, man, I said no.
Ted: Hey, do you dudes ever feel like you want to surf all the time and be gnarly? I do. I feel like that right now.
Brody: Come on, Ted!
Ted: How about you, Colossus?
Colossus: Please leave.
Ted: Ugh, you guys, come on. I’m not gonna ask The Chick!
The Chick: Get lost, Ted!
Ted: Look. I may not be young and hip. I may not wear the right clothes or know all the cool slang, but–Colossus, you change your mind yet?
Colossus: [scoffs] Are you serious?!
Ted: All right, all right, all right, fine. Well, we better all head out for our last ride. Looks like we got ourselves a nasty swell. I’ll see you bros in the blue room!
[Ted grabs his yellow surfboard and runs from the gathering, going to a freeze-frame when Ted is near the middle of the shot]
[Title: “In Memoriam: Ted the gnarliest bro-ham in the tube”]
Host…..Chris Parnell Mr. Billings-Stevens…..Fred Armisen Dr. Perkins…..Steve Martin Nurse Veronica…..Maya Rudolph Doctor…..Kenan Thompson
[open on a director’s chair in a backstage setting, with title: “Quick Zoom Theater”]
Host: Hello! Welcome to “Quick Zoom Theater.” Brought to you by the Canon Ultra Zoom camera. [dissolve to product screen with title: “Canon Ultra Zoom”] Canon Ultra Zoom: bringing life closer. [dissolve to backstage] Tonight’s episode: “The Check Up.”
[dissolve to a doctor’s office, with patient and doctor]
Mr. Billings-Stevens: So how does it look, Doctor? Am I [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] okay?
Dr. Perkins: Well, Mr. Billings-Stevens, I’ve looked over your test results, and [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] everything’s fine.
Mr. Billings-Stevens: That’s great.
Dr. Perkins: Well, as far as I’m concerned, [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] you’re free to go.
Mr. Billings-Stevens: Okay, then. Thank you.
[a nurse rushes in]
Veronica: Dr. Perkins! Dr. Perkins! [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] Your two-thirty is here.
Dr. Perkins: Oh, thank you, Veronica. I’ll be right there.
[Veronica exits]
Mr. Billings-Stevens: Wait. [bends and picks up an object] Is this [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] your pen? [holds up a pen]
Dr. Perkins: No. By the way, how was that cookout? Did you have any [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] fish?
Mr. Billings-Stevens: Well, as a matter of fact, we did have some [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] fish.
Dr. Perkins: Well, I’m sorry I missed [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] it.
Mr. Billings-Stevens: Yeah, well, uh, maybe next time.
[a second doctor knocks and enters]
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom on the frame of the door] Uh, some of us are going to Applebee’s after our shift. [he leans over to put his face into the zoom area] Do you want to come?
Dr. Perkins: Well, that sounds nice. Did you ask Veronica?
Doctor: Oh, not yet; I’ll do that now.
Dr. Perkins: Well, great. Thanks a lot. [dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] [the doctor has nothing further to say]
Mr. Billings-Stevens: I love Applebee’s. So, anyway, be sure to tell your wife I said [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] hello.
Dr. Perkins: Why don’t you tell her? After all, she’s carrying your baby.
[no quick zoom occurs, so the doctor rushes up to the camera and then rushes back]
[dissolve to backstage]
Host: This has been “Quick Zoom Theater,” brought to you by the Canon Ultra Zoom camera. Canon Ultra Zoom. [he holds up the camera] It’s [pause, dramatic musical cue, quick zoom] a camera.
