Category: 2005

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

National Security Agency

Helen…..Amy Poehler
Peg…..Rachel Dratch
NSA Agent…..Peter Sarsgaard
Other NSA Agent…..Jason Sudeikis

[open on seal of the National Security Agency, with inspiring percussion music and scrolling title of voice over]

Narrator: Since 2003, the NSA has courageously and illegally monitored the phone calls of countless Americans. This is their story.

[dissolve to Peg, an elderly woman, picking up a telephone and placing a call]

[the phone rings on the other end, and the screen splits to show a second elderly woman, Helen, putting on her glasses and picking up the phone]

Helen: Hello?

Peg: Helen, it’s Peg.

Helen: Oh, Peg, how are you?

Peg: Oh, you know, Helen, not good, but that’s the best I can expect these days.

Helen: Tell me about it. How are the kids?

Peg: Oh, if they would call, I would tell you. What about your Alan; have you heard from him?

Helen: Yes, and get this: he dropped a real bomb on us.

[screen splits again to show an NSA agent between the two ladies, lestening in with headphones]

Peg: [gasps] A bomb? What sort of bomb?

Helen: Well, Peg, it’s quite a bomb. He tells Stanley and I that he’s moving to Dallas.

Peg: [gasps] Dallas? That far away?

[NSA agent sighs and presses a button, and his panel closes]

Helen: I know. Now we’ll never see the grandkids.

Peg: [scoffs] Well, part of me envies you. Don’t ever say I said this, but the last time the grandkids came to visit us, they were holy terrors.

[the NSA agent’s panel reopens and he listens intently]

Helen: Mmm, holy terrors? How?

Peg: The two of them are always plotting and planning. They’re just evil!

[the NSA agent beckons to a second agent ]

Helen: Well, they’re family, Peg.

Peg: Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love them, Helen. I’m gonna support them, send them money when they need it.

Helen: How old are they now?

Peg: Sam is four and Jeremy is six.

[the NSA agents shake their heads and their panel closes]

Helen: Mmm, adorable.

Peg: Hmmm, how old are yours?

Helen: Nine, eleven.

[the NSA agent’s panel reopens and he nods and summons the second agent again, mouthing “nine eleven”]

Peg: Nine and eleven. They grow up so fast.

Helen: Oh, they do. So, Peg, how is Henry?

[the NSA agents shake their heads again and their panel closes]

Peg: Oh, he’s good. Ooh! I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but since you’re my oldest friend, Henry just got a stock tip.

[the NSA agent’s panel reopens and he grabs a pen and a pad of paper]

Helen: Ooh, how about it. Are you serious?

Peg: Yes. Let me just find where I put it. [she begins sorting through pieces of mail] Okay, where is this thing?

Helen: So, we went to the movies last week.

Peg: Oh, what did you see?

Helen: Uh, the cowboy movie, where the cowboys are in love.

Peg: Oh! Yeah, I’ve heard of this. What’s it called?

Helen: Oh, it’s, uh, oh, what is it?

Peg: Something on the Range?

Helen: No, no, Mountain something.

Peg: Oh, yeah, Mountain Men.

Helen: Yeah, mountain…no, that’s not it. Is it Back to the Mountain?

Peg: No, that’s not it.

NSA Agent: [impatiently] Yeah, it’s Brokeback Mountain!

Peg: Brokeback Mountain, that’s it.

Helen: That is it.

Peg: Oh, oh, oh! I found it. I found it.

Helen: Okay, Peg, shoot!

Peg: Okay, it is something called I-B-M.

Helen: [writing it down] Okay. Now, what do they do?

[the NSA agent starts to write it down, but upon realizing that it is the well-known company IBM, he crumples the paper and removes his headphones in disgust]

Peg: Who knows?

Helen: Well, I’ll tell you Peg, this new Medicare plan is a disgrace.

Peg: I know. Are we still on to blow up the White House?

Helen: Yes, absolutely. Let’s go over the plans one last time.

Peg: Okay. Now, from what I understand…

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11




Search Now:

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Pirate Convention

Red Beard Pete…..Will Forte
Ted…..Fred Armisen
Arthur…..Jason Sudeikis
Dinkins…..Andy Sandberg
Bartholomew…..Horatio Sanz
Pirate 1…..Bill Hader
Pirate 2…..Chris Parnell
…..Peter Sarsgaard

(Opens with a shot of the Holiday Inn hotel. Cut to anactivities board that reads: 1:00 Schwartz Bar Mitzvah4:00 Real Estate Seminar 7:30 Pirate Convention.Growling is heard and dissolves to room decorated withpirate stuff, big skull banner with cross bones. Agroup of about 10 guys dressed in authentic pirateattire. Eye patches, hats, bandannas, scarfs,wildhair, the whole 9 yards. Red beard Pete has a parroton his shoulder, he is at the podium)

Red Beard Pete:(gruff voice) Settle down, settle down,settle down. Ahoy! Maties! I welcome ye to the fourthannual pirate convention. I be your moderator RedBeard Pete. We first like to thank the good people ofthe Milwaukee Holiday Inn for the accommodations. Notout first choice but there was no vacancy at ourfavorite hotel the Ritz Car-r-r-r-r-r-lton.

All pirates: CAR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RLTON!! ARRR-ARRR!!

Red Beard Pete: All right, now I would like to welcomemy first mate Dinkins to the stage for roll call.

(Dinkins steps up to the podium)

Dinkins: Roll call. A-r-rthur-r-r-r-r!

Arthur: AHOY!

Dinkins:Bar-r-r-r-r-rtholomew!

Bartholomew: Present and accounted for-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!

Dinkins: Ted!

Ted: Here.

Red Beard Pete: All right, all right we don´t need aroll call. Ok, first order of business. Picking alocation for next year´s convention. Any ideas?

Bartholomew: AR-R-R-R-R-RKANSAS!!

Red Beard Pete: Maybe. Anyone else?

Pirate 1: MADAGASCAR-R-R-R-R-R!

Red Beard Pete: Nice one.

Dinkins: Boston.

Red Beard Pete: Hmmm, Boston? Kind of an odd choice.

Dinkins: Bear with me. We can drive there and when wearrive, we can PARK THE CA-R-R-R IN THEHAR-R-RVAR-R-R-RD YA-R-R-R-R-RD!!!

All pirates: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Red Beard Pete: Boston it is! All right, it be time tobring out our keynote speaker. I think you all will bepleased. Dinkins do the honors.

Dinkins: Aye. Joining us today is film and stagesta-r-r-r, Peter Sarsgaar-r-r-r-r-r-d!

All pirates: SARSGAA-R-R-R-R-R-R-RD!!!

(Actor Peter Sarsgaard walks up to the podium in suit and tie)

Red Beard Pete: Hello, Sarsgaa-r-r-r-r-rd!

Peter Sarsgaard: You can call me Peter.

Red Beard Pete: No, thank you.

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, well it´s an honor to be here. Idon´t know a lot about pirate culture but when myagent told me about this convention I immediately saidyes. I´m always up for experiencing new things so Ihope to learn as much from you guys as you may fromme.

Red Beard Pete: Ok, time for Q/A. Ok, who will behaving a question for Sarsgaard?

Dinkins: Yes, yes. Do ye be knowing what the film “TheWedding Crashers” was rated?

Peter Sarsgaard: Not of the top of my head but I thinkthere was some nudity so maybe it was rated “R”?

All pirates: R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!!

Arthur: You worked with many talented actors over theyears. Have ye ever worked with cross dressingCorporal Klinger from “MASH”?

Peter Sarsgaard: You mean Jamie Farr?

All Pirates: FAAAA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: No, I´ve never worked with him.

Arthur: Ok.

Bartholomew: What be the name of the best web site tosee people make love to barnyard animals?

Peter Sarsgaard: I don´t know. Umm, maybe animalloveclub.com?

Bartholomew: No, not that one. I was thinkingloveinthebarnyard.or-r-r-r-r-r-rg!!

All pirates: OO-R-R-R-R-R-RG!!!!

Bartholomew: Arr,(takes out notepad)what be the nameof that first one again?

Peter Sarsgaard: It´s animalloveclub.com.

Bartholomew: Animal,(writes on notepad)dot com, thank you.

Pirate 1: What be your favorite food chain thatspecializes in roast beef sandwiches?

Peter Sarsgaard:(sighs, catching on)Arby´s?

All pirates: A-R-R-R-R-R-RBY´S!!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, ok, all right I think I seewhat´s going on here. You guys don´t know anythingabout me do you? The only reason you have me here isbecause my name has a bunch of “R” sounds in it.

Red Beard Pete: No way, Sarsgaar-r-r-d!!

Peter Sarsgaard: Really?

Red Beard Pete: We are big fans of what you do.

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, name one thing I´ve done.(Lowmurmuring among pirates)See? I knew it!

Red Beard Pete: Well, umm…why don´t you name somestuff you´ve done?

Peter Sarsgaard: Ok, how about “Jarhead”?

All pirates: JA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RHEAD!!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: Yeah, yeah ummm, “Garden State”?

All pirates: GA-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-RDEN STATE!!!

Peter Sarsgaard: “Boys don´t Cry”?

All pirates: Ummm,(very little enthusiasm)

Red Beard Pete: Sarsgaard, we be owing ye an apology.The only reason we brought you here is because you´reSarsgaard. Oh, and now is time for our musical number.Provided by your truly and Dinkins.

(Red Beard Pete and Dinkins recite along with theother pirates)

Everybody: A,B,C,D,E,F,G(Peter Sarsgaard joinsin)H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,R,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Pirates begin to smash bottles and glasses against the wall)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Peter Sarsgaard’s SARS Guards

…..Peter Sarsgaard

[open on Peter Sarsgaard standing in front of a blue curtain, with light, twinkly music playing]

Peter Sarsgaard: Hi. I’m critically acknowledged actor Peter Sarsgaard [title: “Peter Sarsgaard, ‘Jarhead,’ ‘Garden State’], and today I’d like to talk to you about a very serious matter. We live in a world where we’re never sure where the next infectious disease will strike. Today, that disease is bird flu. [a graphic appears at the upper right of a rooster with title: “BIRD FLU”] Three years ago, that disease was SARS. [graphic changes to an Asian man wearing a cotton mask marked “SARS”] Do you remember that? I do. Because three years ago, I developed these. [the graphic disappears and he walks to a display of cotton masks] The Peter Sarsgaard SARS Guard, the only commercially available SARS guard with my picture on it. [he has picked up a SARS guard with his picture and name on it] Now, normally I’d never try to take advantage of a terrible tragedy, but my name is Peter Sarsgaard; it was kind of a no-brainer. But the fact is that I now have several warehouses full of Peter Sarsgaard brand SARS guard. [dissolve to a warehouse with a banner: “Peter Sarsgaard’s SARS Guards,” with his picture] Two hundred and fifty million of them, to be exact. [dissolve to Peter] Originally retailing for a hundred and twenty dollars–a price I now realize was obscenely high, they can now be had for the very reasonable price of five for a dollar. [a graphic appears showing “$120” crossed out in red, with 5/$1.00 written below it, and then disappears] Now, the Saarsgard SARS Guard is sixty percent effective against the SARS bacteria. [An animated graphic shows a human figure wearing a Sarsgaard SARS Guard, and a small red cloud of SARS in front of his face. The cloud shoots rays of SARS towards his mouth, and about half of the rays continue into the man’s lungs.] That’s sixty percent. That’s nearly ten percent more effective than the natural filters contained within the human lung. [gestures towards his chest] Now, I have to be honest. It’s been pretty difficult to sell these things. Not only will the AMA not certify the Peter Sarsgaard SARS Guard, they won’t even return my calls. I swore that I would never say this about anyone, but I hope that all those AMA turkeys get SARS. But I don’t want you to get SARS! Now, I made a terrible decision by getting involved with these SARS guards, but you might not be making a terrible decision by not getting involved with them today. [he suddenly looks perplexed, unsure of if he’s endorsed the product or not]

[dissolve to title screen with image of two SARS guards: “Peter Sarsgaard’s SARS Guards”]

Narrator: The Peter Sarsgaard SARS Guard.

[a small box expands into the image of Peter Sarsguard in front of the blue curtain and sits in the lower left corner of the screen]

Peter Sarsgaard: [holding up a SARS guard] The only SARS guard with my face on it.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Target Greatland

Target Clerk…..Kristen Wiig
Female Customer…..Amy Poehler
Manager…..Peter Saarsgard
Male Customer #1…..Kenan Thompson
Male Customer #2…..Chris Parnell

[open on exterior of store: “Target Greatland”]

[dissolve to interior with clerk waiting on a female customer]

Target Clerk: [with odd pronunciations of many words] Is this box of cherclates gonna be for a valentine?

Female Customer: Uh, ch-chocolates? No, no, it’s for my secretary.

Target Clerk: You know, we’ve gotten in a lot of really special items in for the Valentine hulliday.

Female Customer: Oh, uh, no thanks. I’ll probably do that shopping in February.

Target Clerk: Oh, you know, January is the best month to shop. We have all-new merchandise in for Valentine’s, but we also have all those clearance items left over, you know, from the Christmas hulliday.

Female Customer: Oh, I’m fine with what I have, but thank you.

Target Clerk: We have, for Valentine’s, some cherclate. It’s like a cherclate heart; it’s hollow, ’cause inside there’s a little necklace. It’s kind of like a gold. So the cherclate, you have that, but then that’s gone, but then they have the necklace; they can wear that all the time–it’s a whole other gift!

Female Customer: Oh, that’s very sweet.

Target Clerk: Oh, they’re marvellous! Oh, if only they came in a caramel, or a chopped aulmond!

Female Customer: You know, I really have to–

Target Clerk: What, what is this? [picks up a metallic tote from the customer’s cart] A metallic tote? Do we have more of these?

Female Customer: Uh, yeah. [she points] I think they’re over– [the clerk drops the tote and dashes away from the register] Where is she going? Excuse me, are you the manager?

Manager: [approaching and holding a cup of coffee] Uh, yes I am, but I’m on my break. Ooh, I wish I could help you.

Female Customer: Well, the sales clerk just ran off in the middle of ringing me up.

Manager: You know, I can’t really do anything about that. I’m on my break. [shrugs] I’m having a flavored coffee.

Female Customer: Is there anyone else that can help me?

Manager: You know what? No. Ooh, I’m so sorry for you right now.

Target Clerk: [returning with a metallic tote] Hallelujah! If I get invited to an Oscar party, I have a date. [finishes ringing up the purchases] That’ll be $62.12.

Female Customer: I’m sorry, all I have is a hundred. [hands the clerk a bill]

Target Clerk: Oh, I’ll have to check for the watermark. [holds the bill up to the light] IT’S LEGIT!!! [cheers with her fists]

[the clerk rings through the register and hands the customer her change]

Female Customer: Thank you. [exits]

Manager: I just have to say this out loud: I’ve having one of the best breaks of my career.

Male Customer #1: [arrives with a large box] Excuse me, I’d like to exchange this Toastmaster.

Target Clerk: Oh! I am not authorized to do a return.

Manager: Yeah, ooh, you’re gonna have to find a manager. [sighs]

Male Customer #1: But you’re the manager. I mean, that’s what your nametag says.

Manager: Yeah, but I’m on break. [whispers] And can I just tell you, it’s a good one. [regular voice] Ooh, you know, this flavored coffee–mmm–it gets better as it gets colder.

Male Customer #1: No, that’s all right. I’ll just exchange it at Wal-Mart. [hisses] That’s where I bought it anyway. [exits]

Manager: Oh, I don’t want this break to end.

[a second male customer approaches the register and lays a pillow sham on the conveyor]

Target Clerk: Oh! Well, look at how small your fingers are! If you and I were in a shoe-tying contest, I think I’d just have to leave. Well, what is this? An African-inspired pillow sham? Do we have more of these?

Male Customer #2: Yeah. [he points] They are– [the clerk drops the pillow sham and dashes away from the register] Wait! Where is that woman going?

Manager: Ooh, are you talking to me? See, I wasn’t listening, ’cause I’m on my break right now. Are you familiar with International Delight flavored coffee creams? Hmmm?

Male Customer #2: Yes.

Manager: Yes, but have you tried them?

Male Customer #2: No.

Manager: [giggles] I cannot wait to tell my sister how good this break was.

Target Clerk: [returning with a pillow sham] Eureka! I’m gonna lay this out across the back of my terlet. $21.12. [the customer produces a card] ATM?

Male Customer #2: Mmm-hmmm.

Target Clerk: Please enter in your secret code.

[the clerk and the manager turn away while the customer inputs his code]

Male Customer #2: I’m done.

[they both turn back around]

Target Clerk: APPROVED!!! [cheers with her fists] Just as a reminder, Valentine’s is just around the kerner.

Male Customer #2: Around the what?

Target Clerk: Around the kerner. Oh, you really don’t have much time. May I suggest some of our cherclates? We have stuffed teddy bears that are holding, like, a small bouquet.

Male Customer #2: No thank you.

Target Clerk: Oh, well we also have a scented candull. [customer exits] It’s a scented aphrodesiac candull. It’s called a love candull…

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



















Bit Players:


February 4th, 2006

Steve Martin

Prince

None

Kelly Ripa

Alec Baldwin

Michael Anthony

Lorne Michaels

Jimmy Fallon

Scarlett Johansson

Brian Williams

Gideon Yago

Conan O’Brien

Tamar

Liz Cackowski
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: While initiating an affair with Kelly Ripa, Steve Martin pop a Viagra pill and learns that Alec Baldwin is hosting “SNL” tonight and will tie his record. Thus begins the short film, “The Sabotage of Baldwin”, as Steve – whose Viagra clock is ticking – rushes to Studio 8-H to defend his title, even if that means knocking Lorne Michaels out cold and dropping Alec’s body to the ice skating rink seven floors below.

Transcript

MontageNote: Maya Rudolph finally returns to the show following her maternity leave.

Note: Paula Pell officially returns to the writing staff after the sitcom “Thick & Thin” fails to get picked up as a midseason replacement.

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Now hosting SNL for the 14th time, Steve reflects back on an amusing incident from the first episode he hosted, if he could only remember when that was. He also shows off supposed photos of the original cast, then announces Maya Rudolph’s return to the show.

First Hosted: 76e.

Transcript

A Teddy Bear Holding a HeartSummary: Not only is the little bear holding a heart available just about anywhere in the world, but, when used as a gift, it also shows that a man has put a lot of thought into his woman’s Valentine’s Day gift.

Transcript

OprahSummary: A similar scandal breaks out on oprah Winfrey’s (Maya Rudolph) show when Stone Freeman (Steve Martin), author of “Skating at the Bottom of the Ocean”, is revealed to have written false memoirs.

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey.

Transcript

Don’t Buy Stuff You Cannot AffordSummary: Buy the author’s (Chris Parnell) new book, and you’ll never go into debt by buying useless merchandise again.

Transcript

Hamas Celebration PartySummary: Steve Martin finds himself in the middle of a publicity conflict when he unknowingly agrees to perform stand-up at a Hamas rally, where the Hamas officials (Fred Armisen, Seth Meyers, Bill Hader) have mistaken him for an anti-Semite. But a gig’s a gig, and Steve is under contract to promote “The Pink Panther” through any means necessary.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Gary (Steve Martin) runs into his old friend, Ben (Will Forte), and the two engage in an up-close, face-to-face conversation in a short film titled “Close Talkers.”

Note: Though Will Forte’s character is referred to as “Ben” throughout the short film, Steve Martin’s character calls him “Tim” at the very beginning.

Transcript

Quick Zoom TheatreSummary: The intensity of a dramatic scene is heightened by frequent quick zooms.

Transcript

Prince performs “A Woman Scorned”First Performed: 80k.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerNote: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler present the news alone, with no guest commentaries.

Super Bowl XL RehearsalsSummary: Musical performers Aaron Neville (Horatio Sanz), Aretha Franklin (Kenan Thompson) and Dr. John (Jason Sudeikis) are more interested in eating than rehearsing their numbers for the Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Recurring Characters: Aaron Neville, Aretha Franklin.

Transcript

Lorne’s OfficeSummary: Steve Martin rushes into Lorne Michael’s to tell him the buzz is that the ratings are through the roof, so he’d like more money for his hosting gig. Lorne won’t renegotiate, but will be happy to let the recovering Alec Baldwin or Jimmy Fallon assume Steve’s duties.

Transcript

Prince ShowSummary: Prince (Fred Armisen) behaves in his usual eccentric way while welcoming his personal chef (Steve Martin) and Drew Barrymore (Kristin Wiig) to the show.

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Drew Barrymore.

Note: Despite having the perfect opportunity when Fred Armisen mimed in front of the mirror, the real Prince did not make an appearance in the sketch.

State of the Galaxy 2145Summary: A glimpse to the year 2145 reveals that little has changed; on the contrary, things are just more intense: President George Q. Bush (Will Forte) talks about the sun’s dwindling energy supply during his State of the Galaxy address, and the new Category 5 levees in New Orleans are no match for a Category 12 hurricane battering the Gulf Coast.

Recurring Characters: Brian Williams, Chris Matthews.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Tangent”, a man (Fred Armisen) on a blind date endlessly rambles on about the minutiae of his life, even after his date (Kristin Wiig) leaves. Throughout his spiel, he’s discovered by a casting agent (Bill Hader), stars in a movie with Scarlett Johansson, hits the talk show circuit, and is eventually dumped back where he was found when his rambling finally annoys his manager (Chris Parnell).

Note: This digital short originally appeared in the dress rehearsals for episodes hosted by Scarlett Johansson and Peter Sarsgaard.

Transcript

SurfersSummary: Young surfers try to give the hint that middle-aged ? ? (Steve Martin) is not welcome in their group, but he just can’t seem to take a hint.

Transcript

Prince, featuring Tamar, performs “Beautiful Love (3121)”

Naturally CraftingSummary: Natural crafter Midge Harzinger (Rachel Dratch) makes it clear that she wants her guest, craftsman Jack Patrick (Steve Martin), to spend the night during a blizzard.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Monet’s HaystacksSummary: Claude Monet’s (Bill Hader) agent (Steve Martin) advises that he should paint other masterpieces besides haystacks.

Dad JokesSummary: Dad’s (Steve Martin) lamest jokes are all available in this new book.

Bank LoanSummary: A drunk couple (Steve Martin, Amy Poehler) try to get approved for a bankloan.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

A Teddy Bear Holding a Heart

Woman…..Amy Poehler
Man…..Will Forte
Voice Over…..Kristen Wiig

[open on a couple walking through a park, depicted in muted tones, with string-heavy classical music playing]

Voice Over: This Valentine’s Day, give her something she’ll never forget. [birds fly overhead] A gift that not only says, “I love you,” [the couple walk down steps] but “I know you.” [they walk past a puddle] Show her she means the world to you, by giving her the only thing as unique and exquisite as she is. The perfect way to say, “Our love is eternal.” [they sit by a fountain] The gift that whispers, “Be mine forever.” [he kneels and gives her a bright red box] A teddy bear holding a heart. [we see the box from her perspective, and it contains such a teddy bear, and she is delighted] The gift that says, “I put a lot of time and thought into this. I’ve known that Valentine’s Day was coming for quite some time now. It did not sneak up on me.” [dissolve to the bear in its box surrounded by red fabric, with flowers falling all around it, and with a small, red heart logo reading “A Teddy Bear Holding a Heart,” and dissolve back to the park, where women sitting nearby are excited to see the gift the woman has received] Deep emotions can’t always be expressed in words. [he holds her as they twirl around and around, her outstretched hand holding the bear as she looks lovingly at it] But when you hand her a teddy bear holding a heart, she’ll know exactly what you mean to her. [they kiss] A teddy bear holding a heart. [dissolve to the box as seen before, with logo, and with title: “Available almost anywhere”] Available literally almost anywhere. Book stores, Hallmark’s, drug stores, Wal-Mart, 7-11, I’m guessing wherever you buy milk.

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

Don’t Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford

Wife…..Amy Poehler
Husband…..Steve Martin
Spokesman…..Chris Parnell

[ open on couple trying to balance their checkbook ]

Wife: (sighs) I just can’t get these numbers to add up.

Husband: Like we’re never going to get out of this hole.

Wife: Credit card debt, does it ever end?

Spokesman: [walks in] Maybe I can help.

Husband: We sure could use it.

Wife: We’ve tried debt consolidation companies.

Husband: We’ve even taken out loans to help make payments.

Spokesman: Well, you’re not the only ones. Did you know that millions ofAmericans live with debt they cannot control? That’s why I developed thisunique new program for managing your debt. It’s called [presents book]”Don’t Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford.”

Wife: Let me see that… [grabs book, reads] “If you don’t haveany money, you should not buy anything.” Hmm, sounds interesting

Husband: Sounds confusing.

Wife: I don’t know honey, this makes a lot of sense. There’s a whole section here on how to buy expensive things using money you save.

Husband: Give me that… [grabs book, looks at it] And where would you get this saved money?

Spokesman: I tell you where and how in Chapter 3.

Wife: Ok, so what if I want something but I dont’ have any moneySpokesman: You don’t buy it.

Husband: Well let’s say I don’t have enough money to buy something. Should I buy it anyways?

Spokesman: No-o-o-o.

Husband: Now I’m really confused!

Spokesman: It’s a little confusing at first.

Wife: Well what if you have the money, can you buy something?

Spokesman: Yes.

Wife: Now take the money away. Same story?

Spokesman: Nope. You shouldn’t buy stuff when you don’t have the money.

Husband: I think I got it. I buy something I want, and then hope that I can pay for it right?

Spokesman: No. You make sure you have money, then you buy it.

Husband: Oh, THEN you buy it. But shouldn’t you buy it before you have the money?

Spokesman: No-o-o-o.

Wife: Why not?

Spokesman: It’s in the book. It’s only one page long. The advice is priceless andthe book is free.

Wife: Well, I like the sound of that.

Husband: Yeah, we can put it on our credit card.

Spokesman: [shakes head]

Announcer: So get out of debt now, write for your free copy of “Don’t BuyStuff You Cannot Afford.” If you buy now you’ll also receive, “Seriously,If You Don’t Have the Money, Don’t Buy It!” Along with a 12-monthsubscription to “Stop Buying Stuff Magazine.” So order today!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

An SNL Digital Short: Close Talkers

Written by: Will Forte

Gary…..Steve Martin
Ben…..Will Forte

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to what appears to be a hotel lobby, with a buffet table set up in the middle. Gary and Ben stand on opposite ends of the table, occasionally looking up at one another. They each seem to recognize the other. ]

[ soft, twinkling piano music pots up as Gary and Ben take one hard look at one another, then take a step toward one another, until they are face-to-face as though contemplating embracing for a kiss, until: ]

Ben: Gary? How are you?

Gary: Ben? I thought that was you! Hi!

Ben: It has been so long! You look great!

Gary: Not as good as you look!

Ben: Gary, thank you for saying that, because I’ve been feeling very insecure lately, and that comment is just what the doctor ordered.

Gary: That was an easy prescription to fill.

Ben: There’s that ol’ sense of humor!

Gary: I’m not joking. You look great.

[ the soft, twinkling piano music pots up again ]

Gary: Thank you.

[ an uncomfortable moment, as: ]

Ben: So, uh.. you’re standing a little closer than usual.

Gary: [ defensive ] What are you implying?

Ben: I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?

Gary: You know what?

Ben: What?!

Gary: All of a sudden, I have to go!

Ben: Then, all of a sudden – go!

Gary: Fine!

Ben: Fine!

[ they storm away from one another. The soft, twinkling piano music pots up again, as Ben stops and turns back. ]

Ben: Wait! Gary!

[ they walk back to one another, stopping with their lips barely an inch apart ]

Gary: What?

Ben: Sorry. It’s just, I was a little upset with the distance, and I lashed out.

Gary: What if I move back a little?

Ben: That would be great.

[ Gary doesn’t move an inch ]

Gary: How’s this?

Ben: Great! That’s great! [ a beat ] Well, I’d better get going. Give my best to Denise and the kids.

Gary: Will do. Oh, and Ben?

Ben: Yeah?

Gary: [ changes his mind ] Nothing.

Ben: Okay. I’ll see you later.

[ they turn away from one another, then Gary stops and turns his head back ]

Gary: Hey, Ben?

Ben: [ stops, turns his gaze to reveal a look of innocent longing ] Yeah?

Gary: Keep in touch.

Ben: Yeah. Let’s grab dinner sometime.

[ cut to wide shot, the two men on opposite edges of the screen ]

Gary: I’d like that.

Ben: I would, too.

Gary: Bye.

Ben: Goodbye.

[ they disappear from the frame ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

Naturally Crafting

Midge Hartzinger…..Rachel Dratch
Jack Patrick…..Steve Martin

[open on a woman’s hands building a wooden bird feeder]

Voice Over: [singing] I craft, you craft, he crafts, she crafts, we are naturally crafting.

[title: “Naturally Crafting”]

[the shot pulls out to show the woman building the bird feeder, and she has very bushy hair and is wearing a loose button-down shirt with a vest]

Midge: Hello and welcome to “Naturally Crafting.” I’m your host, Midge Hartzinger, and I’m just putting the finishing touches on a bird feeder here–made entirely with natural glues. [she sets it down on the table, and it immediately falls over] I’ll just fix that later. Well, I’m extremely honored to welcome Mr. Jack Patrick to the show. He’s gonna show us how to fashion a heart shaped pinecone wreath for Valentine’s Day. Come on in, Jack!

Jack: Hi, Midge! [he enters holding some reeds and leaves, and is wearing a plaid flannel shirt and a long ponytail]

Midge: Oh! Jack, tell us at home: how are Valentine’s Day wreaths different from Christmas wreaths?

Jack: Instead of circles, they are shaped as hearts. [he sets the items he brought down on the table next to some pinecones]

Midge: Hmmm, what woman wouldn’t be overjoyed to receive an original Jack Patrick wreath for Valentine’s Day? Now, what do we need to get started?

Jack: Well, just some braches, some pinecones, acorns, dried flowers, anything organic.

Midge: Mmm, you know, wreaths are the perfect way to liven up a home in cold weather. You know, with the nor’easter blowing in, Jack, you might not be able to drive back to Shelburne before nightfall. [chuckles]

Jack: [chuckles] I think I can make it. I got snow chains on the car.

Midge: Well, I’m just saying, if you need to, you can crash right here at Craft Holler.

Jack: [chuckles] Well, thanks, Midge, but I won’t need to. I’ve driven in way worse storms than this, so I don’t see any reason why I would need to crash here at Crash Holler.

Midge: Craft Holler.

Jack: Craft Holler.

Midge: Now, if you did end up having to crash, we could just sleep in my featherbed, you know, heads at opposite ends, of course. I’ve got lots of quilts. We could even make some hot toddies.

Jack: Well, show’s only a half hour, and it hasn’t really started snowing yet, has it? So I don’t think I’ll need to crash here at Craft Holler.

Midge: Yeah, you’re probably right, but I’m just saying “Mi craft casa es su craft casa,” so feel free to crash.

Jack: Yeah, but I definitely won’t need to. Thanks anyway, Midge. So, okay. First thing you want to do here is start twisting your branches. Make sure they’re not to brittle. [he takes a branch in his hands and begins twisting it]

Midge: Okay, that’s gonna be a great wreath. Jack, do you ever us flowers in your valentine wreath?

Jack: Oh, excellent question, Midge, but some people like to use roses but I just like to–

Midge: If it were to really start snowing, I mean really coming down, you know, and you did have to crash here at Craft Holler, we could just watch the snow fall, sit by the fire, I could maybe bust out the mandolin and in the morning I could make my famous pumpkin pancakes.

Jack: Well, I’m sure they’re delicious but, again, I got my truck and it’s a four-wheel drive, and I got my cell phone, a CB, full-on army-grade survival kit in the cab, as well as a week’s supply of potable water.

Midge: Hmmm, and that means?

Jack: So I will be able to get out of here, even in the deepest of snows. So believe you me, a night will not be spent here at Craft Holler! [turns from Midge back to the camera] Of course, we don’t have a thing to do, like, the whole thing, but we do have a finished product right here.

[Jack reaches under the table and pulls out a completed heart shaped wreath]

Midge: Yes. You know–ooh. One of the nicest things about a snowstorm is the snuggle factor. Don’t you think, Jack? Snuggle factor?

Jack: [sets the wreath down] You know, Midge, you’re doing it again.

Midge: I’m just gonna slip into something a bit more comfortable. Would you excuse me for a moment?

Jack: Midge, you know you’re still on tape, right? Look, Midge, I am onto your game! And I have let passion get in the way of my crafting too many times. Now my only lady friend is my hot-glue gun. [he holds up a hot-glue gun] [Midge returns, holding a mandolin and wearing a maroon sweater, a brown wool jacket, a purple knitted scarf, and mittens that match the scarf] Whoah!

Midge: Ah, that’s more like it.

Jack: [nearly growling] Midge!

Midge: Yes?

Jack: You look so lovely when you’re not in your crafting clothes.

Midge: Well, I have another side, Jack; I’m not just about crafting. Though I am mostly about crafting. [she flings the end of her scarf over her shoulder]

Jack: Midge, are those boiled wool mittens?

Midge: Hand-loomed.

Jack: Good God, control yourself, Jack Patrick! Control yourself! [he stalks towards the door] Farewell to you, Midge! [he opens the door and is met by blowing snow, and closes the door without leaving]

Midge: So, the toddies, then?

Jack: Yes! [he saunters towards her] Damn you, Midge. [he rips off his flannel shirt to reveal red long johns] Damn you, Craft Holler!

[Midge grabs Jack and they quickly fall to the floor before the clothing they were both wearing is seen being thrown up into the air as the theme song plays]

Voice Over: [singing] I craft, you craft, he crafts, she crafts, we are naturally crafting.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

State of the Galaxy 2145

Brian Williams 3000…..Seth Meyers
Chris Matthews……Darrell Hammond
President George Q. Bush…..Will Forte
Vice-President…..Bill Hader
Speaker……Horatio Sanz
Hillary Clintron 1…..Rachel Dratch
Hillary Clintron 2…..Amy Poehler

[ open on fururistic news logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching NBC News coverage of the State of the Galaxy Address, January 31st, 2145. And now, the Brian Williams 3000.

[ dissolve to Brian Williams 3000 in the news studio ]

Brian Williams 3000: Good evening, I’m the Brian Williams 3000. The Tom Brokaw 2600 is being repaired. Tonight, President of Earth George Q. Bush will address the planet with his State of the Galaxy Address. We’re joined now by a hologrammed Chris Matthews. Chris, what can we expect from the President tonight?

[ cut to a hologrammed Chris Matthews ]

Chris Matthews: Well, President Bush continues to face criticisms — he’s facing criticism for the war on Pluto! It’s been seven years! It’s becoming clear Pluto has no ties to Al-Quaeda! These are the same problems that plagued his father’s presidency, as well as his grandfather’s, his great-grandfather’s, both uncles, and all of his six cousins!

Brian Williams 3000: So, what’s your gut feeling, Chris?

Chris Matthews: It’s hard to say, as I don’t technically have a gut!

Brian Williams 3000: [ to viewers ] And it looks like President Bush is now entering the Expedia.com U.S. Capitol Building. We take you there now.

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush stepping to the front of the room to thunderous applause ]

President George Q. Bush: Good evening. In this next year, the Federation of Earth will be called upon to show our strength… and stay the course. If we can do that… I say, firmly… that the state of the galaxy is strong. And, together… we will make it stronger.

[ applause ]

President George Q. Bush: Freedom in our galaxy, continues to spread. The planet Jupiter just held presidential elections for the very… first… time.

[ applause ]

President George Q. Bush: Unfortunately, the creatures of Jupiter elected the radical Flurgon Party, who have promised to destroy Earth within the year.

[ the Speaker clumsily stands up and claps alone, until he realizes his error ]

President George Q. Bush: But there is good news in the war against terrorism. We are very… close… to capturing… Osama bin Laden.

[ applause ]

President George Q. Bush: It is finally time for our planet to address our energy crisis. The sun is almost gone, and we are addicted to the sun. No one saw this coming. No one. And no one is blaming anyone… but, basically… if you can avoid using electricity, that would be great! Okay?

[ he awkwardly claps his own hands a couple of times, desperately looking around for someone to join his chorus ]

President George Q. Bush: No? Okay. [ continuing ] I want to congratulate Congress, for putting aside bipartisan issues to pass the Social Security bill. Now our nation’s elderly need never worry again about their golden years. As of next week, every American over 50… will be launched into the deepest recesses of space.

[ applause ]

[ the elderly Vice-President jumps to his feet and runs from the stage ]

President George Q. Bush: We must applaud the Army Corps of Engineers… who, last month, finished building the levees that will protect New Orleans from Category 5 hurricanes. As for the Category 12 hurricane, now battering the Gulf Coast… [ shrugs ] Well, what are ya’ gonna do?

[ applause ]

President George Q. Bush: So, uh — thank you. So, in summary… things are looking up! You know? We’ve made some mistakes, but, uh… we’re working hard! Real hard! Good night… and God bless.

[ applause ]

[ dissolve back to Brian Williams 3000 ]

Brian Williams 3000: When we return, a response from the opposition by Hillary Clintron.

[ reveal the twin Hillary Clintrons ]

Hillary Clintron: GOOD TO BE HERE, BRIAN!!

Brian Williams 3000: You’re watching NBC Nightly News — on Fox.

[ cut to logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts