Category: 2005

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 19


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 20th, 2006

Kevin Spacey

Nelly Furtado

None

Timbaland

Jorma Taccone

John Lutz
Anderson Cooper 360Summary: Anderson Cooper (Seth Meyers) discusses the Mexican border patrol issue with Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) and a glad-not-to-be-in-Iraq National Guard soldier (Kenan Thompson), as well as the New England floods with an irate housewife (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Anderson Cooper, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Montage

Kevin Spacey’s MonologueSummary: Kevin Spacey vamps it up for an over-the-top “American Idol” demonstration.

First Hosted: 96j.

Two A-Holes at a Crime SceneSummary: The Two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig) make for poor witnesses at the crime scene of a stolen vehicle.

Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.

Transcript

Oprah Winfrey’s Legends Ball SpecialSummary: Oprah Winfrey (Maya Rudolph) hosts an all-star salute dedicated to the many, many African-American women who have inspired her life.

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, Patti LaBelle, Maya Angelou, John Travolta, Tom Cruise.

Carol!Summary: Jim (Jason Sudeikis) and Amanda (Amy Poehler) set up his dad (Kevin Spacey) with Carol (Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Carol, Jim, Amanda.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel’s latest cartoon shows off a collection of “All-New Presidential Outtakes,” which features everyone from the Speaker of the House to a deer performing a spit take whenever President George W. Bush delivers a speech.

The Usual SuspectsSummary: When Kevin Spacey demands to know why Andy Samberg is late arriving at the studio, the mockful featured player fabricates a story right before his unsuspecting eyes.

Nelly Furtado with Timbaland performs “Promiscuous”Timbaland First Performed: 97m.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: “American Idol” contender Taylor Hicks (Jason Sudeikis) comes knocking on the Update door. After a clip from her first Weekend Update, Tina Fey delivers her second Women’s News commentary and projects new predictions for Britney Spears. Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) rounds up a group of recurring characters to celebrate Tina Fey’s 180th episode.

Recurring Characters: Taylor Hicks, Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown, Frondi.

The FalconerSummary: Complications abound when Ken “The Falconer” Mortimer (Will Forte) is visited by his future self (Kevin Spacey) in an attempt to prevent Donald from being shot by a hunter (Maya Rudolph). When the mission fails, they bungle their way further and further back in time with a growing army of their former selves for a series of near-misses at saving Donald’s life.

Recurring Characters: Ken “The Falconer” Mortimer.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg stars in “Andy Walking”, a zany segment in which he exploits the “stupidity” of ordinary people by asking them simple questions that they actually give the correct answers to.

Transcript

Legends of HistorySummary: A profile of Phillip Sarc (Kevin Spacey), the man who heralded the Dawn of Sarcasm.

Transcript

Nelly Furtado performs “Maneater”First Performed: 00i.

Neil Young: I Do Not Agree With Many of This Administration’s PoliciesSummary: Neil Young’s (Kevin Spacey) latest album subtlely expresses his opposition for the Bush administration.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Head LiceSummary: Insert live roaches in your hair to get rid of lice.

TV Land Variety VaultSummary: A lost television recording from 1960 features spookish Vincent Price (Bill Hader) hosting a Memorial Day special with guests Carol Channing (Kristin Wiig) and Jack Lemmon (Kevin Spacey), and Alfred Hitchcock (Horatio Sanz) appearing in a commercial for “Psycho.”

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Jack Lemmon, Alfred Hitchcock.

The Noodle ManSummary: A couple (Will Forte, Rachel Dratch) receive assistance with their spaghetti dinner from the Noodle Man (Kevin Spacey).

Iron ManSummary: An astronaut (Kevin Spacey) disrupts his crew’s space flight by playing Ozzy Osbourne’s “Iron Man.”

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A cop (Andy Samberg) has a difficult time eating with his obtrusive lobster claws.

Denver International AirportSummary: A pair of American Indians (Horatio Sanz, Fred Armisen) sell good luck items to travelers at the Denver International Airport.

Jimmy Zerillo’s ZooSummary: Jimmy Zerillo (Fred Armisen) announces the grand re-opening of his zoo, now featuring taller fences to keep the dogs from escaping.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05s: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado

Two A-Holes at a Crime Scene

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Detective Kelly…..Kevin Spacey
Mr. Jenkins…..Chris Parnell
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig

[FADE IN on a slide which looks like police tape with title captions on it.]

Announcer: [cheerfully] And now, “Two A-Holes at a Crime Scene.”

[FADE to travel agent reading a folder at his desk. He looks up to see two people walking inside.]

Detective Kelly: Well, don’t worry, Mr. Jenkins – we’ll get your car back. Luckily, we’ve got two witnesses here who saw the guy that stole your car.

Mr. Samson: Thank you for your help, Detective.

Detective Kelly: Oh, no problem. Officer Samson will drive you home now.

[ the two men part ways, as Detective Kelly steps over toward the Two A-Holes ]

Detective Kelly: Hello there. I’m Detective Kelly. Thanks for sticking around. This shouldn’t take too long.

Male A-Hole: You really a cop?

Detective Kelly: Yes, sir.

Female A-Hole: [ focused on a handheld electronic device ] Then, where’s your outfit?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, where’s your hat?

Detective Kelly: Well, I don’t wear a uniform. I’m a detective, see? You mind if I ask you a few questions?

Male A-Hole: [ to his wife ] You mind, babe?

Female A-Hole: I don’t care.

Male A-Hole: We don’t care.

Detective Kelly: Alright. Well, why don’t you tell me exactly what you saw.

Male A-Hole: What’d you see, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ now busy playing with her hair ] What?

Male A-Hole: The crime.

Female A-Hole: The what?

Male A-Hole: The crime!

Female A-Hole: [ to Detective Kelly ] Can I have one of your doughnuts?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, I’ll take one with sprinkles.

Detective Kelly: [ remains stone-faced for a moment ] I don’t have any doughnuts.

Male A-Hole: He ate ’em all, babe.

Detective Kelly: I didn’t eat them! I’m sorry! Did you see the car get stolen, or not?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, some guy took it.

Detective Kelly: Great! Was he alone?

Male A-Hole: Was he alone, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ now busy playing with her fingernails ] ..Yeah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, he was alone.

Detective Kelly: Okay now – did you get a good look at the perpetrator.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I saw him, I saw him. Yeah. [ to his wife ] you see the perpetrator, babe? [ she stares at him for a beat without saying a word ] you saw the perp, right, babe? [ she again looks at him without saying a word, as the stone-faced Detective Kelly watches helplessly ] Babe? Perp? [ more responseless stares ] Perp, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ greatly annoyed ] Yah!

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we saw him.

Detective Kelly: Great. What did he look like?

Male A-Hole: What’d he look like, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ to Detective Kelly ] Can you make copies of my keys?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re going out of town tomorrow.

Detective Kelly: I’m not a locksmith. I can’t make copies of your keys! Just describe the guy, then you can go about your business!

Female A-Hole: I want to wait ’til the news gets here.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re gonna wait for the news

Detective Kelly: Look! It’s a stolen vehicle, ma’am. It doesn’t make the news!

Female A-Hole: It would if a baby stole it.

[ Male A-Hole points proudly at his wife ]

Detective Kelly: Look! You two are the only witnesses that we have, so I’d really appreciate a little help!

Female A-Hole: I remember.

Male A-Hole: Hey, buddy – we got it.

Detective Kelly: Great. So what did he look like?

Female A-Hole: He looked like Jesus.

Male A-Hole: You, uh – you know what Jesus looks like?

Detective Kelly: Yes, I know what Jesus looks like! So, you’re saying he had long hair and a beard? [ begins to write the description in his notepad ]

[ Female a-Hole shakes her head lightly ]

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she’s shaking her head.

Detective Kelly: Yeah, I can see that.

Male A-Hole: Uh-huh. That means “no.”

Detective Kelly: Yeah! I went to school, I know what it means! so, then why did he look like Jesus?

Female A-Hole: He was wearing sandals.

Male A-Hole: [ nods in agreement ] Like Jesus.

Female A-Hole: They were ugly.

Detective Kelly: Could you see his face?

Male A-Hole: You see his face, babe?

Female A-Hole: Yeah.

Detective Kelly: So.. what.. did.. he.. look like?

Female A-Hole: He looked like a rabbit.

Detective Kelly: He looked.. like a rabbit? What the hell does that mean?

Female A-Hole: Can we get the reward now?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, when do we get paid?

Detective Kelly: You don’t get a reward.

Male A-Hole: Alright, we don’t get paid tonight, babe! [ to Detective Kelly ] It probably comes in the mail, right? Cashier’s check?

Detective Kelly: No! There’s no cashier’s check!

Male A-Hole: Oh, right, right, right – it’s all direct deposit now, huh?

Detective Kelly: No! No, no! There’s no reward!

Male A-Hole: Oh? ‘Cause you gotta catch him first?

Detective Kelly: NO! NO! There’s no reward!! SHUT UP!! Now, you either start answering my questions, or I’ll arrest the two of you for obstruction of justice!

Female A-Hole: Do you know Inspector Gadget?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, what’s his deal?

Detective Kelly: [ exasperated ] That’s it! You’re coming with me!

Male A-Hole: He’s driving us home, babe.

Detective Kelly: No! I am not driving you home!

Female A-Hole: Can we stop for a Spray Tan?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she’s wearing a skirt tonight.

Detective Kelly: Alright, enough!! [ his cell phone rings; he answers it ] Yeah! What? You did? Great. Thanks! [ hangs up ] Well, they caught the guy – looks like you two lucked out. I gotta go interrogate Jesus the Rabbit. [ storms away from the two A-Holes ]

Female A-Hole: [ as they walk off in the opposite direction ] He was funny.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, he sure was.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05s: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado

Carol!

Jim…..Jason Sudeikis
Jerry…..Kevin Spacey
Amanda…..Amy Poehler
Carol…..Horatio Sanz
Waiter…..Seth Meyers

(Opens with the Buona Sera restaurant, cut to theinside of it. Jim, Amanda and Jim´s dad Jerry aresharing a table)

Jim: It´s good to see you dad.

Jerry: Well, it´s good to see too, Jim.

Amanda: You know, we´re sorry things with you andDenise didn´t work out.

Jerry: Well, you know your stepmother and I had a goodrun but people grow apart. I´m just worried at thispoint on my life I may never find true love again.

Amanda: Ohhh, don´t think that way. Love has a way ofwalking through the door when you least expect it. (Inwalks beautiful overweight blondie Carol)

Carol: Hey!, Hey!, Hey!

Amanda: Carol!

Jingle:
“And then there´s Carol!
(Carol´s shy smile)
And then there´s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying: “Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky, right on, Carol!”
(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol: I´M CAROL!

(Returns to restaurant scene)

Jerry: Who is this enchanting creature?!

Jim: I don´t know anything about that but this lady´sname is Carol.

Carol: I´M CAROL!

Jerry: Well, it´s a rare pleasure to meet you Carol.

Amanda: Carol, what are you doing here?

Carol: Uhhh, I was using the bathroom while I waitedfor my takeout. This place has the cleanest restroomsin all New York. Or at least they used to. Ha! I´MCAROL!

Jerry: Well, why don´t you have a drink with us whileyou´re waiting?

Carol: Don´t mind if I do. Excuse me! (Pushes guy nextto them on his ass and takes his chair, joins thetable)

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?

Carol: I´ll have a Dunkin Donuts choconillafrapuccino.

Waiter: Well ma´am as I explained to you several timesthrough the bathroom door. You can only get that drinkat Dunkin Donuts.

Carol: Ok, how about a soup bowl full of Bailey´s andrumplemintz?

Jerry: My, my Carol that sounds delightful.

Carol: Ohhh! Who is this Armand Assante impersonator?

Jim: That´s my dad, Jerry.

Carol: He´s total DILF! (naughty laugh, Amanda tries tofigure out what DILF means-Dad I Love to F*ck)

Amanda: Oh, ok I´m gonna go freshen up in the ladie´sroom.

Carol: I wouldn´t if I were you.

Waiter: Here is your drink (brings soup bowl) and yourtake out order. (brings big brown paper bag)

Jim: Well, it was nice seeing you Carol.

Waiter: She´s not going anywhere. This is just thefirst part. (leaves)

Amanda: So Carol, Jerry is an antiques dealer.

Jerry: Yes, I think things are a lot more beautifulwhen they had a little wear and tear.

Carol: Oh, then I think I got a few body parts you´denjoy. (Kevin is about to crack up, waiter brings twomore takeout paper bags)

Jim: So…

Waiter: Halfway there. (leaves)

Carol: Thank you.

Jerry: You are an ethereal spirit Carol. You know, inall my years in the antiques business I´ve learnedthings that…well, you have to have patience.Sometimes when you want a certain piece you have towait years for the market to go down.

Carol: Well, you have to wait two minutes for me to godown. (Kevin cracks up) AAAAHHH!!! I´M CAROL!

Jerry: And I´m JEEEEERRY! Oh, Carol I feel like I´mlatched to the mast trying in vain to resist yoursiren song.

Carol: Ohhhh, you talk like Hannibal Lector.

Jerry: What can I say? I love what I do! Just lastweek I found the most amazing chest of drawers.

Jim: Wait!…let me guess Carol. You play with mychest, I´ll drop my drawers?

Jerry: Hey! I did not raise you to talk like that!There are ladies present! I apologize for my son.Anyway Carol, you were saying?

Carol: I was saying….you play with my chest, I´lldrop my drawers!

Jerry: Enchanting! (Kevin cannot contain his laughteranymore) So Carol… (fights to control laughter) tellme…a little about yourself. What do you do? (Caroltakes sip from soup bowl)

Carol: I´m a model.

Jerry: Really!?

Carol: Yeah, I´m a model for plus-sized coffins. I laythere and they take pictures for mortician´s catalogs.

Jerry: Well, that is fascinating. I´d love to seethose shots. I´d love to hear more about that. Maybeyou and I can go someplace a little quieter?

Carol: Well, I happen to know the ladies room is underrepairs. Buuut, ah, I think the men´s room isavailable. Good news! (takes out little packet) Ibrought my own Levitra!Wooooo!!! (Jerry and Carol leaveholding hands, waiter brings moving tray with six moretakeout brown paper bags)

Jim: Yeah, I think we´ll take it.

Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol! (Carol runs in fast grabs 3of the bags)

Jingle:
“And then there´s Carol!
(Carol´s shy smile)
And then there´s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying: “Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy skanky, right on Carol!”
(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol: I´M CAROL!

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Anderson Cooper 360

Anderson Cooper…..Seth Meyers
Ray Nagin…..Finesse Mitchell
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler

Anderson Cooper: The Mayor of New Orleans and the Senator from New York, both defending racially-charged statements. I’m anderson Cooper. See the news reflected in the shimmering blue pools that are my eyes. 360 starts now.

[ opening montage rolls, then returns on Anderson ]

Anderson Cooper: Thank you. Good evening. We begin tonight in New Orleans, a city still stung by Hurricane Katrina. A city I am no stranger to. A city which I spent a lot of time, post-hurricane. Pretty moving stuff, if you remember – and I think you do. Monday, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin made comments, saying that “God caused Hurricane Katrina” because of the U.S.’s Iraq policy, and he continued to say that New Orleans needed to be rebuilt as a “Chocolate City.” Joining us now, is Mayor Ray Nagin.

Ray Nagin: [ on satellite ] Thank you, Anderson.

Anderson Cooper: Now, Mr. Mayor, how do you expect your white constituents to react to your comments that New Orleans needs to rebuild itself as a Chocolate City?

Ray Nagin: Well, Anderson, unfortunately, this country has many deep-seated issues about race. So much so, that, when I used the term “chocolate,” people immediately think I meant black. But, in fact, I meant delicious.

Anderson Cooper: So, you’re saying New Orleans needs to rebuild itself as a “delicious” city?

Ray Nagin: Yes, Anderson. See, for the past few months, when people hear New Orleans, they think, “Oh, that’s bad.” But we need to get into a place where people say, “Mmm. That’s good!” We need to get delicious, Anderson!

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Mayor, I have to say, this is a sort of, uh, political double-speak is not appreciated. You know, if anything, now is the time for straight talk.

Ray Nagin: Anderson. Anderson, let me make something perfectly clear: I’m a crazy person. Alright? Now, don’t forget I’m crazy just because I’m the Mayor. You know? I was crazy before the hurricane hit, and, if anything, it made me crazier!

Anderson Cooper: Joining us now, the Rev. Jesse Jackson. [ show Jackson on satellite ] Uh, Reverand, as a black leader, how do you feel about the idea of a Chocolate City?

Jesse Jackson: Anderson. I love chocolate. But a city cannot be sweet-specific. New Orleans must become a dessert cart. With a mosaic of sweets. You must have chocolate. As well as vanilla. So the dessert cart.. can roll on. You must have caramel, representing the skin tone of Hispanics. And custard, for Asians. And the dessert cart.. rolls on. There must be a creme-brulee, for the French-speaking Creoles. And tiramisu, should there be, around any Italians anywhere! And the dessert.. rolls on. Anderson, we must find room in our bellies for baked Alaska, should, for some unforeseen reason, an Eskimo want to move to the new New Orleans! And the dessert cart.. rolls on! And on! It’s TIME to make the doughnuts!! The dessert cart.. rolls on!

Anderson Cooper: [ stunned ] Joining us now, is New York senator Hillary Clinton. Good evening, Senator.

Hillary Clinton: [ on satellite ] Good to be here, Anderson!

Anderson Cooper: Now, Senator Clinton, you said on Monday that Congress is being run like a plantation. Care to explain yourself?

Hillary Clinton: [ ridiculously chipper and upbeat ] Absolutely, Anderson! No one seems to realize that I was talking to a predominantly black audience!

Anderson Cooper: [ blinks ] How does that explain your comments?

Hillary Clinton: Isn’t it obvious? I was pandering! I wanted to paint the Republican Majority in the worst possible light to a black audience. That meant my options were “plantation” or “haunted house.” I was afraid not enough people would get “haunted house”, so I went with “plantation”!

Anderson Cooper: I see.

Hillary Clinton: If it were a Jewish audience, I would have said they were running Congress “like a concentration camp!” A Hispanic audience, I would have said it was like “being run by a landscaping company!” Gay audience – “figure skating coach.”

Anderson Cooper: [ shakes his head ] Wow. Final thoughts. Mayor Nagin?

Ray Nagin: I know a lot of people are angry that I implied “God caused Hurricane Katrina,” but, for al lwe know, He did! Now, let’s remember, it’s impossible to know what God is thinking. God created the giraffe – and you can’t tell me that is one ridiculous animal! [ laughs and smiles ]

Anderson Cooper: Senator Clinton?

Hillary Clinton: In closing, let me just say: “Congress is being run like a mismanaged hedge fund.” That was for you white people!

Anderson Cooper: Great. Rev. Jackson?

Jesse Jackson: We must think of New Orleans like a box of crayons. Remembering to discard colors like Aquamarine.. Magenta.. and Purple. Because those colors would look terrifying.. and human skin.

Anderson Cooper: [ blinks rapidly ] Great. Coming up next – Larry King spends an in-depth hour with someone you were pretty sure was probably dead. And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Nelson Baby Toupees

Mr. Nelson…..Bill Hader

[ open on various babies playing together in a nursery. Most of the babies have hair, except for one baby who sits off to the side. ]

Mr. Nelson V/O: The first months of a child’s life are a special time. As your baby acquires the skills of social interaction, impressions are made that will last a lifetime.

[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]

Mr. Nelson: Unfortunately, this baby [ show the bald baby ] – and millions of other male babies just like him – spend months suffering through the shame and disgrace associated with male infantile baldness.

[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]

Mr. Nelson: It’s a scientific fact that males lag developmentally behind females. Add Male Infantile Baldness, and that means low self-esteem, decreased confidence, and even lowered social status.

[ show bald baby sitting alone in the nursery ]

[ cut to Mr. Nelson ]

Mr. Nelson: Is that what you want for your child?

[ cut to Mr. Nelson walking through the science laboratory ]

Mr. Nelson: That’s why our scientists at Nelson Pediatrics developed these – baby toupees. [ show slide of three babies wearing toupees ] Thanks to our patented technology, and the cooperation of the Chinese government, we can now take an adult-sized toupee and adapt it to fit your baby’s head. It’s fake hair with real results.

[ cut to the baby wearing a toupee ]

Mr. Nelson V/O: Look at this child. Bursting with self-esteem, oozing with confidence. Now look at him two weeks ago. [ show a Before photo, with no hair; dissolve to the After photo, with a toupee ] He’s like a brand new person. And the best part is: you can’t even tell it’s fake!

[ show the toupeed baby playing with the other babies in the nursery ]

Mr. Nelson V/O: Hey, look at Mr. Popular! Now he’s king of the play date. He looks good, and he knows it. Isn’t that what every parent wants?

[ cut to Mr. Nelson standing ]

Mr. Nelson: I should know. I’m not only the President of Nelson’s Baby Toupees. [ a toupeed baby is handed to him ] I’m also a client.

[ cut to product display ]

Announcer: Nelson’s Baby Toupees. Frmo the good people who brought you Baby Beards.

[ cut back to Mr. Nelson looking into the camera ]

Mr. Nelson: You gave him life. Now give him confidence.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Carol!

Carol…..Horatio Sanz
Amanda…..Amy Poehler
Jim…..Jason Sudeikis
Efrem Herrington…..Peter Saasgaard
Waiter…..Bill Hader

(Opens with the outside of a museum loft number 530,dissolves to the inside of it)

Jim: Hey, congratulations on opening your new gallery.

Efrem: Thank you.

Jim: You’re welcome.

Efrem: Thank you. It’s a lifelong dream.

Amanda: Oh, sorry I’m late.

Jim: Honey, where you’ve been?

Amanda: I had to pick up a friend. Her car broke down.

Jim: Wait, wait, wait. Who?

(in comes beatiful overweight blondie Carol)

Carol: Hey!, hey!, hey!

Amanda: Carol!

Carol: Bring on the whore d’ourves! Because this whoredeserves some food! I’M CAROL!!

Jingle:
“And then there’s Carol!
(Carol smiles shyly)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying:”Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on, Carol!”

(Carol dances wildly and then poses)

Carol:I’M CAROL!!

(back to scene)

Amanda: Carol, yeah–

Carol: Oh, hi Jim.

Jim: Hi, Carol.

Amanda: Carol broke down on the west side highway.

Carol: Yeah, my Kia Spectra ran out of gas, I on theother hand have not. Does anyone have any Imodium AD?I’M CAROL!!

Efrem: Let me just go see if we have anything in theback.

Carol: Oh, no! You’re staying right here! Good thing Ionly had two dinners or else I wouldn’t have room forthis slice of beefcake. Who are you?

Amanda: Carol, this is Efrem Herrington. He owns thegallery.

Carol: Maui! Waui!, you put up all this paintingsyourself?

Efrem: Yes, I hung many of them with my own two hands.

Carol: Oohh! I’ll like to see how you’re hung with myown two hands!

Jim and Amanda: Carol.

Efrem: No, I find such forwardness to be most, howshould I put it? Intoxicating quality. It took myyears to mount this show.

Carol: Really, I’ll show you how to mount me in abouttwo seconds!

Efrem: Yes, quite. That’s what I was hoping you wouldsay. Your rapier wit delights me!

Carol: Oohh! Thank you.

Waiter: Would anyone like some pate? (brings tray)

Carol: Oh, yeah let me see. Don’t mind if I do.(startseating pate from cracker) Mmmmmmmmmm!! Uuuuughh!! Thistaste like cat food!!

Efrem: Oh, I do sincerely apologize, Carol.

Carol: Why? I love cat food!!

Efrem: You are truly ethereal!

Carol: Oh, thank you.

Jim: Okeydoke, how about I head over the bar and getus some drinks, all right?

Carol: Ok, yeah uuuummm. Let’s see what you can getme. Something simple. How about a Dannon Frusionsmoothie with a shot of rumplemintz up in there.

Jim: All right, you know I think we’re gonna need togo to the grocery store for that, Carol. But, let mesee what I can do.(Heads to the bar and is grabbedviolently by Carol)

Carol: BY SHOT I MEAN THE WHOLE BOTTLE!!

Jim: Oww, you’re crushing me.

Amanda: Let me give you a hand. (Amanda and Jim go tothe bar leaving Efrem and Carol alone)

Efrem: So Carol, let me into your world a little bit.What do you do?

Carol: I work for Oscar Meyer.

Efrem: The hot dog manufacturer.

Carol: Yeah, I drive around in that giant wienermobile. Yeah, I take it to state fairs and grocerystore openings.

Efrem: Oh, that must be exhilarating! Riding around inthat giant hot dog.

Carol: Not as exhilarating as riding on a giant hotdog!(lusty laugh)

Efrem: Carooool, you are a dream. I’ve seen some ofthe most beautiful works of art the world has to offerbut none of them can hold a candle to the shinninglight that emanates from your soul and the poetry thatcomes from your mouth.

Carol: Ooohh!! You talk like channel 13!

Efrem: PBS.

Carol: PBS?

Efrem: Yes, but my mind is on a different kind of PBS.(in her ear) My Protuding Bone Situation.

Carol: Whoooo!! Hoooo!!

Jim: Carol, here you go. No Dannon Frusion smoothiesoddly enough, they did have some rumplemintz so, knockyourself out.(gives her the bottle)

Carol: Ok, thank you.(gulps from the bottle)Mmmmmm,oooohhh!, ooooohhhh!(cracks up a little bit)I need touse the ladies room. You know what I mean?

Amanda: You need to powder your nose, Carol?

Carol: No, I’m gonna toke a spliffie and push one outin the handicap bathroom.

Efrem: I second that emotion. We are out of here. Andby out of here I mean if the ladies room is a-rockingdon’t come a-knocking. (leaves with Carol holdinghands, stops and comes back) Seriously, don’t knock ifyou hear us doing crazy stuff in there, just leave.Chin-chin(touch glasses)

Jim: Chin-chin.

Amanda: Oh, boy.

Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol!

Jingle:
“And then there’s Carol!
(Carol smiles shyly)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying:”Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on, Carol!”

(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol:I’M CAROL!!

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Fairmont Suites Inn

Rick…..Peter Sarsgaard
Barb…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on dark hotel room, as Rick, a business man on a business trip, enters. The TV is on before he enters, playing the annoying promotional “Welcome to Fairmont Suites Inn” video. Rick turns on the lights and puts down his luggage. ]

[ a close-up of the video shows Barb Gavin of Hospitality speaking in a chipper, upbeat tone guaranteed to irritate a weary traveler ]

Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood. Located conveniently off Route 70, just 11 minutes from Lambert International Airport. To watch TV, hit “TV” now. [ a graphic of the remote control appears in her upper corner ] To scroll through a selection of recent box office hits, such as “Skeleton Key,” “Monster-in-Law,” and “Are We There Yet?”, select the “Movies” button on your remote – now!

[ Rick attempts to turn the TV off manually, but nothing happens. He searches the drawer and other areas throughout the room for the remote. ]

Barb (on TV): Your enjoyment is important to us. While you’re here, try our fitness room, now with free weights, jump ropes, and [ her voice jumps an octave ] complimentary apples! Want to mind your business? Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.

[ Rick sits on the bed and dials the number for the front desk ]

Barb (on TV): Looking for fun? Try our Caliente Club Lounge for drinks and appetizers.

Rick: Hey, I can’t find my TV remote? [ he’s placed on hold ]

Barb (on TV): Or, do you crave hearty elegance? Our T-Bone Traitoria serves dinner every night ’til nine. Wow! Look at those shrimp!

[ Rick sits on hold, as he waits for someone at the front desk to take his call ]

Barb (on TV): In case of emergency, locate the stairwell nearest to your room, and never use the elevator.

Rick: Yeah. Okay, well, if you can find one, can you send it up? That’d be great. Thank you. [ hangs up ]

Barb (on TV): Here, at the Fairmont Inn, we say, “What are you looking for? Great! We’ve got that!”

Rick: Unless it’s a remote.

[ the spiel begins anew, as Rick removes his jacket and attempts to lie down across the bed ]

Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood. Located —

[ the camera zooms in on the digital clock on the nightstand. The time is 9:21. ]

[ dissolve to the TV, as the advertisement starts over. It appears to be some time later in the evening. ]

Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood —

Rick: [ wakes up from his nap ] Oh, thanks, Barb..!

Barb (on TV): — Located conveniently off Route 70, just 11 minutes from Lambert International Airport.

Rick: [ sarcastically ] That’s good to know.

Barb (on TV): To watch TV, hit “TV” now.

Rick: Yeah, don’t rub it in, Barb.

Barb (on TV): To scroll through a selection of recent box office hits, such as “Skeleton Key,” “Monster-in-Law,” and “Are We There Yet?” —

Rick: Oh! And porn, too, Barb. Don’t forget there’s porn in there!

Barb (on TV): — select the “Movies” button on your remote – now! Your enjoyment is important to us.

Traveler: You’re a liar, Barb!

Barb (on TV): While you’re here, try our fitness room, now with free weights, jump ropes, and [ her voice jumps an octave ] complimentary apples!

[ Rick jumps to his feet and jiggles the TV, hoping to be able to turn it off ]

Barb (on TV): Want to mind your business?

Rick: [ exhausted ] Come on..

Barb (on TV): Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.

[ Rick slaps the top of the TV set, as the picture accidentally disappears. He reaches around to the back of the TV to pull the wires, as Barb continues to deliver her pitch. ]

Barb (on TV): Looking for fun..? [ Rachel Dratch begins to crack-up from off-screen ]

[ Peter Sarsgaard also begins to crack-up just a bit ]

Rick: Yeah, dial-up internet! Is it 1994 already?

Barb (on TV): Try our Caliente Club Lounge..! [ trying to stifle her laughter ] For drinks and appetizers..!

Rick: Yeah, I really am!

Barb (on TV): Or, do you crave hearty elegance?

Rick: [ still trying to control his laughter ] Only in my women!

[ the image has now returned to the TV screen, and Rachel Dratch is laughing so hard that she’s on the verge of tears ]

Barb (on TV): Our T-Bone Traitoria serves dinner every night ’til nine!

Rick: Yeahh, it’s closed, Barb!

Barb (on TV): Wow!! Look at those shrimp!!

Rick: That is just rude, and you know it!

Barb (on TV): In case of emergency, locate the stairwell nearest to your room, and never use the elevator!

Rick: Fine! Don’t yell at me.

[ Rick retreats to his bed, as the top of a Stagehand’s head can be seen creeping across the bottom of the screen ]

Barb (on TV): Here, at the Fairmont Inn, we say, “What are you looking for?” [ she pauses in wait of his response ]

Rick: Shrimp! Porn! And an elevator!

[ Peter Sarsgaard shamelessly laughs out loud, knowing the next line of the spiel ]

Barb (on TV): “Great! We’ve got that!”

Rick: No, you don’t, Barb! [ Peter releases his laughter, knowing it’s not going to stop ]

Barb (on TV): Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn..! [ laughs ] St. Louis-Hazelwood.

Rick: Yeah. [ stands up and walks back to the TV ]

Barb (on TV): [ starts over ] Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn — Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn! St. Louis-Hazelwood!

[ the camera zooms in on the digital clock on the nightstand. The time is now 1:13. ]

[ cut back to Barb on the TV, purportedly later in the night. A “Video 1” tag mysteriously appears at the top left of the screen. ]

Barb (on TV): [ Rick mimics her spiel as she speaks ] Welcome to the Fairmont Suites Inn, St. Louis-Hazelwood. Located conveniently off Route 70 —

Rick: Yeah! How many minutes does it take me to get to the airport?

Barb (on TV): Just 11 minutes from Lambert International Airport.

Rick: Fan-tastic! That’s terrific news!

Barb (on TV): To watch TV, hit “TV” now.

Rick: Sure! [ throws his shoe at the TV screen ]

Barb (on TV): To scroll through a selection of recent box office hits —

Rick: Hey, Barb! What do your tattoos say?

Barb (on TV): “Skeleton Key,” “Monster-in-Law,” and “Are We There Yet?”.. select the “Movies” button on your remote – now!

Rick: Baaarb, I think I’m falling in love with you, do you love me?

Barb (on TV): Your enjoyment is important to us —

Rick: Name three things I might find in your blood.

Barb (on TV): — now with free weights, jump ropes, and complimentary apples!

Rick: You’re a dirty bird, Barb, aren’t you?

Barb (on TV): Want to mind your business? Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.

Rick: I’m sorry, Barb. Hey – where can I meet a morbidly obese single mother of mixed race?

Barb (on TV): Looking for fun? Try our Caliente Club Lounge for drinks and appetizers.

Traveler: I crave human blood, Barb!

Barb (on TV): Or, do you crave hearty elegance?

Rick: Nooo! Human blood!

Barb (on TV): Our T-Bone Traitoria serves dinner every night ’til nine.

Rick: What did you say to your husband on your wedding night, Barb?

[ back on the TV screen, a strange series of numbers – “1080i59.94” appears across the top of the over Barb’s head ]

Barb (on TV): Wow! Look at those shrimp!

Rick: Oh. That must have been painful for you.

Barb (on TV): In case of emergency, locate the stairwell nearest to your room, and —

Rick: Yeah, well, what’s the best way to avoid AIDS?

Barb (on TV): — never use an elevator. [ Rick mimicks her again at this point ] Here, at the Fairmont Inn, we say —

Together: “What are you looking for? Great! We’ve got that!” / “Do you want to kill yourself?! Great! We can help!”

[ sitting at the edge of the bed, Rick wearily lowers his head across his knees. Another Stagehand’s head appears at the bottom left of the screen, to place the remote at the foot of the bed. Rick finally discovers the remote on the floor, picks it up and laughs joyously. He presses a button and turns the TV off. He seems relieved as he curls himself across the bed, but he can’t seem to get Barb off his mind, and, thus, flips the TV back on to watch her. ]

Rick: Dammit, Barb, I need you!

Barb (on TV): — free weights, jump ropes, and complimentary apples! I need you, too, Rick!

Rick: [ amazed ] What..?

Barb (on TV): Each guest room has dial-up internet access and two phone lines.

[ Rick moves closer to the TV and prepares to kiss Barb through the screen. Rachel Dratch moves in ahead of cue, as she and Peter licks their tongues across the screen. ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Gays in Space

Space Creature…..Will Forte
Billiam…..Fred Armisen
Thad…..Chris Parnell
Givindy…..Kenan Thompson
Captain Trip Bunchkin…..Peter Sarsgaard
Maitre D’…..Bill Hader
Loretta…..Rachel Dratch
Judine…..Paula Pell
Lesbian…..Tina Fey
Ex-Boyfriend…..Finesse Mitchell
Paolo…..Jason Sudeikis
Pegasus Man…..Seth Meyers

[open on LOGO network logo with title: “Unbiased and Out”]

Voice Over: [accompanied by title] You’re watching LOGO, unbiased and out. At ten, “Kathy Griffin Live,” followed by an original LOGO feature, “False Positive,” starring Dan Pintauro. But first, “Gays in Space.”

[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape with rolling fog and bright stars, and a space creature in black and silver 1970’s leisure wear-esque outfit while techno beat plays]

Space Creature: [spoken in rhythm] Who said what to whom? / Oh, no, this is going to be intergalactic. / Hang on a second and let me pull myself together.

Male Chorus: Five.

Space Creature: Say what?

Male Chorus: Four.

Space Creature: Nuh-uh.

Male Chorus: Three.

Space Creature: Go ahead.

Male Chorus: Two.

Space Creature: Where’s my lipstick?

Male Chorus: One.

Space Creature: That’s what I thought you said. / One! Blast ooofff! Gays in Space!

[dissolve to exterior of spacecraft with pink title: “Gays in Space,” and additional titles and voice over: “Episode Three,” “What on Earth is this all about, because that girl got all up in my business and is not her problem anyway”]

[spacecraft pulls up to an airlock in a space station as it opens to admit them]

Billiam: [voice over] Reduce thrusters.

Thad: [voice over] Reducing.

Givindy: [voice over] Be careful! We have landed.

[dissolve to interior of space station with four crew members wearing silver long-sleeved tops and shorts, with pink accents]

Trip: Here we are, boys. My favorite space bar in the entire universe: Urge.

Billiam, Thad, and Givindy: Urge!

[they turn and enter a doorway to an establishment where a muscular, half-naked man covered in silver paint is dancing]

Maitre D’: Do you have reservations?

Givindy: Oh, you know, I have so many, but I am still gonna drink here!

Maitre D’: I’m sorry, but there’s not a lot of room.

Thad: Well, how about in the back? [he points]

Maitre D’: Oh, it’s pretty tight back there.

Billiam: That’s what he said!

[Billiam, Thad, and Givindy laugh]

Maitre D’: You’re not getting in here.

Billiam: That’s what he said!

[Billiam, Thad, and Givindy laugh]

Trip: Move! [pushes to the front of the group] Let a real queen handle this. Listen up! You see this curl? [points to the curl at the front of his hairdo] When I get pissy, it starts to shake. And nobody wants to see that, because that will mean I’m a-boust to go off!

Maitre D’: Captain Trip Bunchkin?

Trip: Yeah.

Maitre D’: Oh, my God, I didn’t recognize you with that noodle curl. Please, come here, come in, come in. [he gestures them in]

Trip: Mmm-hmmm, that’s more like it. Show us where we can plop it, and get out.

[they are shown to a table in a corner, where they stand and call out to people not seen by the audience]

Billiam: Sharpshak-1, nice future boots. Hello.

Givindy: Oh, Globin, hey! You lost weight in your faces.

Thad: Tral! Tral! [he waves] Why is Tral acting like he doesn’t know me?

Trip: Oh, my God, here comes Loretta. [Loretta, a masculine woman with a mullet, wearing plaid and a vest, enters, accompanied with two similar women] Maybe she won’t see us. Oh, she did. Loretta! Get your little butt over here. What’s doing, ‘Retta?

Loretta: Well, me and the ladies just bought some land nearby on Planet Vaginoris.

Lesbian: We’re making our own soy-based soap up there. You guys should really check it out.

Givindy: Uh, you guys need to get a mirror and check yourselves out, because this fashion rocket [makes a finger squiggle] has failed to launch. [laughs] Okay! Did I just say that? Ooh, I’m sorry.

Billiam: [laughing] Are you trying to get us killed?

Loretta: Hey, at least we don’t get space botox.

Thad: Um, at least we’re not having a bad hair year.

[the third lesbian struggles to throw some punches, while Loretta and the other lesbian who spoke pull her back and away]

Loretta: It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it.

[a minor chord sounds]

Trip: Oh! I’m about to have a full-on nervous breakdown, full-on. My ex-boyfriend just walked in. [a man in a black and silver suit enters with a younger man with spiky hair, visor shades, and a muscle tee-shirt] Everybody pretend we’re having a good time. Laugh really loud.

[all laugh]

Givindy: Oh, you are so funny. You are so funny.

[the two men approach]

Ex-Boyfriend: Trip, I almost didn’t recognize you. You got fat! [giggles]

Trip: Don’t you get me started, you vicious, vicious man!

Ex-Boyfriend: Zip it! This is my new boy-toy, Paolo.

Trip: Where’s he from, Uranus?

Ex-Boyfriend: [shouting] You miss it!

[other crewmen murmer]

Thad: She is much unhappy about this.

Trip: Hey, ass-chin, this drink’s on you! [throws his drink on Paolo]

Ex-Boyfriend: Oh, no, you didn’t. [He rears up to jump at Trip] Oh, no, you– [Givindy shoots him with a ray gun and he freezes] Oh, you just gonna freeze me? That’s what you did? You just freeze me. You just gonna freeze me. You just so tired, I can’t stand you. [Trip forces Givindy’s hand down and he is unfrozen] Come on, Paolo, let’s get out of this nasty old star system. We are much, much better than this!

Paolo: Does my chin really look like an ass?

Ex-Boyfriend: Oh, no, baby, it’s cute. I like that. Ass is good. Come with me.

Trip: Boys, as your captain, I order you to get back on the ship, because our R&R has just turned into D&D: drama and disaster.

[the get up and start to head for the door, but are stopped by a man with white, feathered wings and wearing black leather, accompanied by two others of same]

Pegasus Man: Excuse me. We’re from the planet Pegasus. Here are some space fliers for a party we’re hosting on our planet.

[he hands a flier to Billiam, who shows it to the others]

Billiam: Oh, let me see this. Mud baths. Oil massage. DJ Luscious–I like him. He’s great.

Thad: Um, does everyone on your planet look like you?

: No. They are bigger, sweatier, and naked-er.

Trip: And I wouldn’t want to go there, why?

Billiam, Thad, and Givindy: To Planet Pegasus!

[all four put their hands together in the middle and lift them with a “Woo!”]

[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape, with techno music and space creature entering from left]

Space Creature: Ooh-ooh / Outer space. / Mmm-mmm / Outer space. / Are the stars out tonight? / Whoah-oh-oh / Moonlight in your hair feels so right. / Ain’t nothing better than Jupiter. / Ooh-oh-oh / Gays in Space.

[zoom into landscape above space creatures’s head, and pink title: “Gays in Space.”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

Goodnights

…..Peter Sarsgaard

Peter Sarsgaard: Ladies and gentlemen – special thanks to The Strokes! Drew Barrymore – yeah! And the cast of crew of “Saturday Night Live.” Good night, everybody! And Sundance – I’m glad I’m not there!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11

05k: Peter Sarsgaard / The Strokes

An SNL Digital Short

Doug Brogar…..Jason Sudeikis
Young Chuck Norris…..Andy Samberg
Extras…..Bill Hader, Fred Armisen, Jorma Taccone, Amy Poehler

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to music video performed by Doug Brogar – close-up of Doug’s face on left side of the screen, with a long shot of him on stage on the right. Credits appear: “Doug Brogar – “#4: Young Chuck Norris” – Kung Fu Heros 1-12 – Dir. Doug Brogar” ]

Doug Brogar: [ spoken ]
“Legend has it he walks among us even now
A dreamer alone in a world between dreams and reality
Was he always a fighter?
Was he always a hero?
What do we make of the young Chuck Norris?”

[ the words bounce on the screen, as image of the young Chuck Norris appears next to Doug ]

Doug Brogar: [ singing ]
“Norris used his hands and his feet
And he kicked and he punched with his hands and his feet
And he kicked and he punched with Mr. Bruce Lee
A master of kara-ta-ta-tee
And he kicked and he flipped some more
Back to Vietnam to settle the score
Don’t forget “Walker, Texas Ranger”
When he kicked and he punched his way from danger.

[ slower ]
But hey let’s turn back time to younger days (younger days)
Before all of the fame and mind games (mind games)
His deeds were no less great then
A man among other men
The legend of young Chuck Norris, yeah!

[ a mugger steals a woman’s purse, so Chuck jumps in and punches the mugger and the woman ]

[ up-tempo ]
Young Norris used his hands and his feet
And he kicked and he punched with his hands and his feet
He also ran and he jumped in the air
He was younger so he didn’t even care
Way before his Hollywood fame
He slapped and punched and he saw the famed name
He was known as Master Chuck
His last name was Norris and his first name was Chuck.

Round house kick (Chuck Norris)
Death hold grip (Chuck Norris)
Mustache lip (Chuck Norris)
Tender kiss (Chuck Norris)

[ slower ]
Fathers, let your daughters know
Dreams may come and dreams may go
But a man like Norris never dies
He lives forever in the children’s eyes.

[ up-tempo ]
Young Chuck Norris, this is my tribute to thee (to thee)
Live on great warrior into eternity (eternity)
Yeah, yeah!”

[ as the video finishes, Doug and young Chuck Norris hold their hands high in the air together, as Norris fades from existence. Doug looks over, as his American flag handkerchief falls to the stage ]

Submitted by: Daniel Solzman

SNL Transcripts