Category: 2005

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 17






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05q: Tom Hanks / Red Hot Chili Peppers

Tennis Players

Douglas…..Will Forte
Richard…..Tom Hanks
Skip…..Chris Parnell
Toby…..Bill Hader

[ open on empty tennis court, two benches resting against a chain link fence with tennis paraphenalia spread across them ]

[ Douglas and Richard run into frame from opposite ends. Richard is very noticably missing an arm on the right side of his body. Both men talk with snooty, members-only accents. ]

Douglas: Hey, Richard, great job out there —

Richard: Oh, thank you, Douglas, thank you —

Douglas: Your tennis is looking better!

Richard: Thank you! I’m really excited about the club tournament next week. Josh and Baron are toast, and we! Are going to be the toast-er! [ uses his one arm to towel-wipe the sweat from his face ]

Douglas: [ his expression changes ] Yes. Well. About that, uh.. Richard, I have some rather bad news to tell you about our tennis partnership. [ Richard stops wiping his face ] Richard, I’m sorry to say that I think we’re going to have to call it quits!

Richard: Douglas, what are you saying?!

Douglas: Well, I reaize that we’ve had so many great years together, and I just think we’re moving in different directions, tennis-wise.

Richard: Ohhh, is this because of the accident?

Douglas: [ tries to cleverly not look at Richard’s missing arm ] Oh, uh.. did you have.. some sort of.. accident?

Richard: Well.. yeah, actually. A pretty bad one, actually. I-I came out of it minus one arm!

Douglas: Ohh, Richard, I wasn’t aware of that! I’m really sorry to hear that.

Richard: Oh, I’m kind of surprised you didn’t notice. You sure this has nothing to do.. with the loss of my dominant playing arm?

Douglas: No, nothing to do with the arm. Just a difference of tennis the last few weeks —

Richard: Oh! Differences?! Like what?!

Douglas: Well, for instance, in respect to lobs! You prefer to smash them across the court; I prefer to hit them really hard across the court!

Richard: Now, with all due respect, that’s kind of the same thing! Y-you sure there isn’t anything else?

Douglas: Well.. That’s.. it.. really.

Richard: Oh. So. Just because we do basically the same thing with lobs, you’re going to throw away twenty-five years of tennis and lovemaking!

Douglas: Look, I — [ Will Forte reacts as though hearing the last part of that statement for the first time ] Richard, I know this is hard for you, but you just don’t have the arms to — excuse me, I mean — we just have a difference of opinions, tennis-wise!

Skip V/O: [ calling offscreen ] Douglas! Yoo-hoo!

[ Skip runs into frame. In addition to two good arms, he has an extra arm clutching a tennis racquet that protrudes from the center of his chest. ]

Skip: Ready to play tennis, new doubles partner?

Richard: Oh, son of a bee sting! “Three Arms” Skip Prosser is your new tennis partner?! And I’m supposed to believe this has nothing to do with arm quanitity?! Phooey!

Douglas: Richard! Language! Look – Skip’s third arm has nothing to do with my decision! Our new partnership was forged from identical lob philosophy!

Richard: Well, well, then I guess there’s nothing left to say, except, “I’ll see you on the court!”

Skip: Ooh, we’ll be waiting for that day! It’ll be the same day that you grow a new dominant playing arm! [ chuckles ]

Douglas: At bay, Skip! At bay!

Richard: Ohhh, I don’t know that it’ll be that far into the future. You see, I already have a new partner.

Douglas: Well, gasp! How did you get a partner so fast?

Richard: Oh, long story short. When I was brunching with Elias D’arcy — yes, that Elias D’arcy — he gave me this advice: “Always have a contingency plan at the ready!” Let me introduce you to mine. [ calls offscreen ] Toby!

Toby V/O: [ offscreen ] Hey, guy!

[ Toby runs into frame. He has seven arms ]

Skip: “Seven Arm” Toby slavin! I thought you retired?!

Toby: Retired? Hardly! I was lured away by a very lucrative offer from an Alaskan fishing cannery, who believed – and, rightly so – that I could do the job of three-and-a-half men. Ten years later, I’m back in tennis!

Richard: Mmm-hmm! [ to Douglas and Skip ] And this canning experience will come in handy on the court, when we open a huge can. Of. Whoop-Ass on your little doubles squad!

Douglas: Is that a chal-lange?

Richard: Oh, you bet your soiled underpants it’s a chal-lange! [ to Toby ] I used to do the team laundry, Toby – secret!

Douglas: You S.O.B.! That’s secret info!

Richard: Oh!

Douglas: You know it! accept it!

All: To the courts!!!!

[ the two teams run in opposite directions to their playing positions on the tennis court ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:


May 13th, 2006

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Paul Simon

None

Al Gore

Jason Alexander

Jerry Seinfeld

Liz Cackowski

John Lutz

Paula Pell

Emily Spivey

Jorma Taccone
Parallel Universe Address from President GoreSummary: In an alternate universe, President Al Gore addresses America on how perfect the world is in 2006.

Transcript

Montage

Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ MonologueSummary: Former cast member Julia Louis-Dreyfus reveals alternate titles proposed for “The New Adventures of Old Christine”, then marvels that the “Seinfeld Curse” hasn’t affected her career the way it has Jerry Seinfeld’s or Jason Alexander’s.

Transcript

Tech PackSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who’s having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around the airport.

Note: After being cut from the dress rehearsals of the last four episodes, this commercial parody finally airs on a live show.

Transcript

Bum AttentionSummary: It’s a blow to Jen’s (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) self-esteem when a filthy street bum (Bill Hader) makes obscene gastures to her friends, but not to her.

Note: This sketch was cut from the episode hosted by Billy Bob Thornton four seasons earlier.

Transcript

The Morning ShowSummary: Technical gaffes abound.

Transcript

MySpace SeminarSummary: Community teacher (Andy Samberg) teaches a MySpace seminar to a concerned soccer mom (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and a group of middle-aged perverts.

Transcript

Paul Simon performs “How Can You Live in a Northeast Town”First Performed: 75b.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Al Gore debates Amy Poehler on global warming. Tina Fey’s grandfather, Wolfgang Fey (Fred Armisen) makes repeated attempts to call the Medicare hotline. Finesse Mitchel comments on men’s fashion. Magician David Blaine (Andy Samberg) fails to hold his breath for nine minutes.

Charades!Summary: In 70’s game show rerun, challenging contestant’s (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) phrase clues are mistaken as obscene gestures by the celebrity panel.

Recurring Characters: Charo.

Unsolved MysteriesSummary: An actress (Julia Louis Dreyfus) is frustrated when she participates in a pop culture-related re-eneactment that obviously never happened.

Paul Simon performs “Outrageous”

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Distraught over a failed relatonship, a man (Andy Samberg) threatens to jump to his death while standing an inch above the sidewalk, in a message paid for by the United Peyote Growers Association.

Note: This digital short was originally cut from the dress rehearsal of the Alec Baldwin episode.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Letter from the Iranian Prime MinisterSummary: Iranian Prime Minister (Fred Armisen) writes a series of letters addressed to President George W. Bush, the nation of Israel, the New Yorker, and a shampoo company.

Nunis

A Day Without an ImmigrantSummary: When an illegal immigrant housekeeper (Maya Rudolph) takes the day off to join the local boycott, her employers’ (Jason Sudeikis, Amy Poehler) home life turns to chaos. Introduction by Al Gore.

The Shaggy DogSummary: Movie executives try to create a slogan for the “Shaggy Dog” poster.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A cop (Andy Samberg) has a difficult time eating with his obtrusive lobster claws.

Bush Commemorative PlatesSummary: The worst moments in recent American history are commemorated as the proudest moments of Bush’s tenure in office.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

Bum Attention

Paula…..Amy Poehler
Rachel…..Rachel Dratch
Jen…..Julia Louis Dreyfus
Maya…..Maya Rudolph
Bum…..Bill Hader
Maitre’D…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on three friends seated at a table in a nice restaurant ]

Paula: I don’t know, you guys – I think I’m gonna get the Caeser Salad.

Rachel: Oh, I’ll get that, too!

Jen: [ smiles ] Oh, I’m so glad you guys were free today – I don’t get to see you guys enough!

Paula: I know.

[ Maya enters and sits ]

Maya: I’m so sorry I’m late you guys. This day has been the worst. First I couldn’t get a cab, and then – did you see that creepy guy out front? Ugh! He was disgusting!

Paula: The guy with the crusty hair and the dirty old jacket?

Maya: Yes! I was coming in here, and he was like, “Nice jugs!

[ the women express their disgust ]

Rachel: That guy is gross. I passed him on the way in here, and he said he wanted to lick me “where the sun don’t shine.”

[ the women again express their disgust ]

Paula: You know, when I came in, he was like “Hey, Blondie, you want to take a rode on the baloney pony?” I wanted to throw up.

Jen: [ mulls the situation ] He didn’t say anything to me. [ frowns ]

Maya: Consider yourself lucky, Jen.

Paula: Yeah, that guy’s a pig.

Rachel: He’s disgusting!

Jen: [ upset ] What is my problem, you guys?

Paula: Jen, why would you want attention from a stinky homeless dude?

Jen: Don’t you see, Paula – that’s just it I can’t even get the attention of a stinky homesless dude!

[ the Bum suddenly appears in the window, shaking his hips for the ladies to see ]

Paula: Oh, great. Great, he’s back. Just ignore him, and he’ll go away.

[ the Bum begins making a series of obscene gestures – puckering his lips, motioning his hands as though cupping a pair of breasts, and touching his nipple and pointing to his woman of choice ]

[ the women are disgusted by his actions, except for Jen, who smiles and waves to the Bum. Upon noticing her, the Bum ends his obscene gestures and turns away from her, disappearing from the window. ]

Jen: [ now more upset ] He hates me!

Rachel: Look – maybe he didn’t see you on your way in.

Jen: I gave him a dollar!

Maya: Just forget it, Jen, okay? The guy is gross. [ opens her menu ] Are you guys gonna order? Is everyone getting the Caeser Salad?

[ everyone expresses their agreement with the Caeser Salad, as the Bum reappears in the window to continue his obscene gestures – holding his hands out as though cupping a pair of breasts and flicking his tongue ]

[ Jen again smiles and waves to the bum, and he again turns away from the window ]

Jen: D-Did you see that, you guys? What is wrong with me? This is, like, the last thing I need today! I’m going to the ladies room! [ stands abruptly and rushes to the ladies room ]

Paula: I feel bad for Jen, you guys.

Rachel: I know. What do we do?

[ the Bum reappears in the window ]

Rachel: [ turns to wave him in ] Hey! Hey! Heeeeeyyy! [ the Bum turns and notices her ] Come here! Yeah! Get in here!

[ the Bum disappears from the window ]

Maya: I don’t want to talk to that guy – he smells like pee!

[ the Bum swaggers into the restaurant ]

Bum: You ladies finally come to your senses? Let’s get this party started – am I right?

Paula: No, you’re not right! Don’t sit down!

Maitre’D: Uh – excuse me, sir. We have a dress code – and an unspoken bathing code.

Maya: Oh, no, it’s okay – he’s not staying.

Paula: Hey! Listen!

Bum: Yo.

Paula: Can you do something for us? Alright? Can you say something gross to our friend when she gets back?

Bum: The one with the wavy hair? Pass! But, uh, lucky for you, this face seats three, if you know what I’m saying!

Rachel: Okay. Okay. My bad. This wasn’t a good idea.

Paula: Hey, everyone, hold up. We gotta do this for Jen.

Maya: Yeah, Paula’s right. [ to the Bum ] Would you say something to our friend? Please.

Bum: She ain’t my type. She puts up a desperate vibe. It’s a turn-off.

Maya: You’re a bum!

Bum: Hey, I like what I like!

Rachel: Well.. would you say something for five bucks? [ pulls out a fiver ]

Bum: Done! And done!

[ Jen returns from the ladies room, displeased to see the Bum standing at her table with her friends ]

Jen: what is this guy doing here?

Bum: I, uh – I just want to tell you something.

Jen: [ not sure she’s interested ] What?

[ James Taylor’s “Shower the People” begins to play, as the camera pans across the table to the hopeful faces of Jen’s friends, then to Jen’s own anticipation of the moment ]

Bum: I want to kiss you all over.. and then take adump on your stomach.

Jen: [ grossed out ] Ugh! You’re.. aw-ful! [ but she smiles happily ]

Rachel: Now, go on! Get out of here!

Bum: Thanks for the five bucks!

Jen: Five bucks? You paid that bum five bucks to say those things to me?!

Paula: [ nervously ] Yeahhh..

Jen: [ gleefully ] Oh! you guys are the best friends a guirl could ever ask for!

[ “Shower the People” plays again, as the four friends hug ]

[ the Bum reappears at the window, as the Maitre’D tries to push him out of view ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

Goodnights

…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus

[ return from commercial on a bumper of playful twin Julia Louis Dreyfus images ]

[ piano notes fade as screen dissolves to still shot of cameraman Al Camoin waving, with text: “Al Camoin 1928-2006” and five seconds of silence ]

[ fade back on Julia Louis-Dreyfus and the cast at Home Base ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thanks to Paul Simon. To Al Gore. To Jason Alexander – to Jerry Seinfeld. To this wonderful, unbelievable cast. “Saturday Night Live!” To the incredible writers! To Lorne Michaels! I am not waiting another 21 years to come back, I’ll tell you that much! It’s really fun! Thank you so much!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

Parallel Universe Address from President Gore

written by: Kristin Gore

Narrator…Steve Higgins (voice only)
Announcer…Don Pardo (voice only)
…Al Gore

(Fade in)

(“Star Wars” style music plays as the narrator speaks)

(A long shot of Planet Earth)

Narrator: Scientists have long speculated that infinite parallel worlds exist on different planes of the world we know. In these earths, history has taken different paths.

(A shot of a dinosaur walking around a big city with humans walking around as well)

On one, dinosaurs and man co-exist.

(A shot of a Russian astronaut planting a Russian flag on the moon)

On another, the Russians were the first men to walk on the moon.

(A shot of Clay Aiken celebrating his American Idol win)

On another still, Clay Aiken defeated Ruben Studdard.

(A long shot of Planet Earth)

Now join us as we travel through the fabric of time and space to visit one of mysteries. One of these parallel earths!

(The President Of The United States Seal)

Announcer: And now a message from the President of the United States of America.

(Pan to Al Gore sitting at this desk in the Oval Office, addressing the nation)

President Al Gore: Good evening, my fellow Americans. In 2000, when you overwhelmingly made the decision to elect me as your 43rd President, I knew the road ahead would be difficult. We have accomplished so much, yet challenges lie ahead. In the last six years, we have been able to stop global warming. No one could have predicted the negative results of this. Glaciers that once were melting are now on the attack. As you know, these renegade glaciers have already captured parts of upper Michigan and northern Maine. But I assure you; we will not let the glaciers win. Right now in the second week of May 2006, we are facing perhaps the worst gas crisis in history. We have way-too much gasoline! Gas is down to nineteen cents a gallon and the oil companies are hurting. I know that I am partly to blame, by insisting that cars run on trash. I am therefore proposing a federal bail-out to our oil companies because hey, if it were the other way around, you know the oil companies would help us.

On a positive note, we worked hard to save welfare, fix social security and of course, provide the universal health care we all enjoy today. But all this came at a high cost. As I speak, the gigantic National Budget Surplus is down to a perilously low 11 trillion dollars. And don’t get any ideas! That money is staying in the very successful lock-box. We’re not touching it! Of course, we could give economic aid to China or lend money to the Saudis again, but right now, we are already so loved by everyone in the world that American tourists can’t even go over to Europe anymore without getting hugged. There are some of you would like to spend our money on some “made-up war” we could make up. To you I say, ‘what part of lock-box don’t you understand?’ What if there’s a hurricane or a tornado? Unlikely I know, because of the anti-hurricane and tornado machine I was instrumental in helping to develop…but what if? What if the scientists are right and one of those giant glaciers hits Boston? That’s why we have the lock-box. As for immigration, solving it came at a heavy cost and I personally regret the loss of California. However, the new “Mexifornian” economy is strong and El Presidente Schwarzenegger is doing a great job.

There have been some setbacks. Unfortunately, the confirmation process for Supreme Court Justice Michael Moore was bitter and divisive. However, I couldn’t be more proud of how the House and Senate pulled together to confirm the nomination of Chief Justice George Clooney. Baseball, our national pastime still lies under a shadow of steroid accusations. But I have faith in Baseball Commissioner George W. Bush when he says, ‘we will find the steroid users if we have to tap every phone in America.’ In 2001, when I came into office, our national security was the most important issue. The threat of terrorism was real. Who knew that six years later, Afghanistan would be the most popular spring break destination, that Six Flags Tehran is the fastest growing amusement park in the Middle East and the scariest thing we Americas have to fear is LIVE FROM NEW YORK, ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!

Submitted by: Mark Jennings Reese II

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ Monologue

…..Julia Louis Dreyfus
…..Jason Alexander
…..Jerry Seinfeld

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Julia Louis-Dreyfus!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Thank you so much – wow! I just can’t believe that I’m back here on “Saturday Night Live.” You know, some of you may not know this, but I was in the cast from 1982 to 1985. And I am so honored to say that I am the first female cast member to ever come back and host “SNL.”

Um – now, I’m in a show called “The New Adventures of Old Christine” I know, I know, I know – it’s a very catchy title. The truth is, originally, though, the title was just “Old Christine,” but CBS tested it, and they found out that men didn’t like the word “Old.” So they made us put words that meant “do like” in front of the title. Like “New” and “Adventure.” Other titles that tested particularly well with men were: “Football Christine.” “Barbecue Spaceship Christine.” “Coke Off a Whore’s Ass Christine.” And, of course, “CSI: Christine.”

But – the best thing about working on a show is that some people are saying that I broke the so-called Seinfeld Curse. Which is, frankly, a complete load of crap. I mean, we were on one of the most popular sitcoms of all time, and, because we haven’t been able to re-create that, we’re cursed? I mean, come on. Believe me, we are anything but cursed. In fact, I was just talking about it to an old friend, just the other day…

[ dissolve to pre-filmed exterior, coffee shop, with generic “Seinfeld” music fading into the background ]

[ Julia steps out of the coffee shop, as a beared Jason Alexander comes walking down the sidewalk ]

Jason Alexander: [ spots her ] Julia? Hey-ey-ey-ey-hey!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Jason! Oh, my God!

[ they hug ]

Jason Alexander: It’s so funny!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I know!

Jason Alexander: What are you doing in New York?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, I have “Saturday Night Live” this week.

Jason Alexander: Oh, my God! I can’t even get tickets to that thing any more! The guy I knew from NBC got fired. Who’d you call?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, no, no. Actually, I’m hosting it.

Jason Alexander: Oh, hosting?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah.. yeah..

Jason Alexander: Wow, that’s great..

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah. Well, I mean, it’s because I have a show on CBS now – “The New Adventures of Old Christine.”

Jason Alexander: Yes, yes. Right. I saw it. [ chuckles politely ] It’s cute.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Well, I mean – it’s more funny than it is cute.

Jason Alexander: Yeah. Right. Well, I’m not the demographic!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah! Anyway, people are saying I broke the Seinfeld Curse!

Jason Alexander: Oh.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [ laughs ] How ridiculous is that?! [ laughs again ] I mean, have you ever felt cursed?

Jason Alexander: Me? No!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: No!

Jason Alexander: Blessed! And I’ve got a lot of time now! A lot of time! And I got a new dog.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh. Oh.

Jason Alexander: But, you know – but I do have time, if you want. I could do the guest spot. On your show. You know. It’s stunt casting, the audience loves that stuff.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, yeah.. I’m not sure.

Jason Alexander: It’s the Curse. Isn’t it? It’s the Seinfeld Curse. You don’t want to touch me. I-I understand. I’m like poison. Ever since “Bob Patterson.” And I thought it was good! And “Listen Up” – it wasn’t my idea —

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, no, no! There’s no curse! Jason, come on! Look, I’ll talk to the people at “SNL” about getting you on the show with me. Okay?

Jason Alexander: You would do that?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Absolutely.

Jason Alexander: Oh, my God! I-I adore — you are the best! You’re the best! [ gives Julia a great big bear hug ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: No, you’re the best.. you’re the best.

Jason Alexander: This is great! We’re gonna have a great time!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: It’ll be fun.

Jason Alexander: I’m going to host “SNL” with you! This is great! [ runs into the street ] The curse is over! The curse is ov —

[ suddenly, a taxi cab barrels down the street, running over Jason ]

[ cut back to Julia standing at Home Base ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, well. That’s a shame. Anyway, I know I’m not cursed —

[ suddenly, a light crashes to the floor beside Julia. She looks up to see what caused it to fall ]

[ cut to pre-filmed bit, Jerry Seinfeld high above the rafters holding a pair of wire cutters ]

Jerry Seinfeld: [ with a raspy voice ] Oh, dammit! I missed! It’s like a curse! I’ll get you! Aghhh!! [ shirks away ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: We have a great show for you tonight! We have Paul Simon! We have me, the uncursed Julia Louis-Dreyfus! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

The Morning Show

written by: Kristin Gore

Peter Phillips…..Horatio Sanz
Lydia Johnson…..Kristen Wiig
Jackie Miller…..Julia Louis Dreyfus
Rick Courtney…..Fred Armisen

(Opens with the Morning Show logo and a goofy theme music. The hosts sit on their TV studio set with a background of the city behind them)

Announcer: And now the Morning Show with Lydia Johnson and Peter Phillips.

Lydia: Good Mornin- (goofy theme music continues) That´s weird. Can we cut the music?

Peter: The music still going. Can someone turn it off?

(Music stops)

Lydia: Guess we´re having some technical difficulties.

Peter: Yeah, must be something in the air. Everything has gone a little haywire this morning.

Lydia: Sure has. Anyway, hello and welcome to the Morning Show. I´m Linda Davenport, uh…Lydia Johnson. Why did I say that? I guess I´m a little off too.

Peter: And I´m Peter Phillips. We have a great show planned for you but first we´re excited because we have a birthday on the set today.

Lydia: Yes, one of the members of the crew has a special birthday. Our very own Stan turns 72 today,(off camera) oh, he did? Oh…

Peter: (off camera)What? Last night? That´s terrible. Our condolences go out to Stan´s family.

Lydia: Well, we got a lot of neat things to get to today so…

Peter: Yeah, ahh… let´s get to our weather man out on the street Rick Courtney, he´s got our forecast for this afternoon.

Lydia: Hi, Rick! How are things out there?

(camera splits showing Rick talking with great enthusiasm with no audio)

Peter: Looks like we´re having problems with his audio. Can we turn his mike up? (goofy theme music plays) No, that´s the theme music again.

Lydia: Can we please turn that off? (goofy theme music stops and the audio on Rick is restored)

Rick: ..so if you live in that area you should be thinking of evacuating. Back to you guys, oh, and Happy Birthday to Stan, 72 years young.

(grim faces on Lydia and Peter)

Peter: Someone probably should´ve let him know about Stan.

Lydia: Yes, ok what do you say we get to our first guest (guest pops out in front of the hosts) oh, no…not yet. (guest leaves) She is the author of “The Winter’s Edge.” Please welcome, Jackie Miller. (waves her to come in, Jackie enters and shakes hands withLydia)

Jackie: Hi. (Peter is unsure whether to shake hands, kiss or hug, finally ends in an awkward hug) Ok, glad to be here. (Jackie sits and makes a horrible fart noise) Um,that, that wasn´t me it was this chair. See I… (gets up and sits, no fart noise) Well, it’s notdoing it now but it did it before.

Lydia: Jackie, it says here that you´re from New York.

Jackie: No.

Lydia: Talk to research about that.

(Peter and Jackie interrupt each other)

Peter: So, Jackie where did you get—

Jackie: It took me about about five—

Peter: No that´s ok….its my fault—

Jackie: Oh, sorry….I, I to apologize—

Peter: Oh, ok, yeah, all right—

Jackie: No, no, ok you go ahead.

Peter: Ok, where did you get the inspiration for your book?

Jackie: Um, well a lot of it actually came from my own life and much like the character Maria, I fell into a depression and as I got older I used drugs and alcohol to escape. So by the time I was about 16 I was living on the streets—(goofy theme music plays)

Lydia: What´s going on today?

Peter: You know what? Just ignore it. What were you saying?

(Jackie continues, competing with the goofy theme)

Jackie: Um, well I hit bottom, I ended up in a crack house and um, did the music just get louder?

Peter: Yes, I think it did get louder. Excuse me. (Peter walks off camera, Jackie adresses Lydia)

Jackie: Well then…I, I ended up and (goofy theme stops) WOKE UP IN A POOL OF MY OWN URINE! Oh, I´m sorry but the music was loud but then it wasn´t so….

(Peter returns)

Lydia: Thank you, Peter.

Peter: Yeah, no problem. (Peter trips and falls grabbing by accident Jackie´s boobs, she gets up and they look at each other with shame. Kristen Wiig seems to almost crack up)

Jackie: That´s, that´s my—

Peter: Sorry about that.

Jackie: It´s ok… (Jackie sits and another fart noise is heard) This is a terrible chair.

Lydia: You know what? Maybe this might be a good time to quickly check in with Gene and the traffic report. Gene?

(Cut to the entire crew of the show holding a giant banner that says “Happy Birthday Stan”, ballons hanging about)

Crew: HAPPY BIRTHDAY STAN!!!

(Mortified look on the hosts’ faces)

Lydia: I forgot we did that.

Peter: Yeah, uh you know what? We´ll gonna try to get Gene later on on the show and hopefully– (goofy theme music plays and the show logo appears)

Lydia: You´ve got to be kidding me!!! What!? What!?

(Peter throws his index cards on the table defeated)

(Cheers and applause.)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

MySpace Seminar

Teacher…..Andy Samberg
Soccer Mom…..Julia Louis Dreyfus
Chadster1991…..Seth Meyers
Bill…..Bill Hader
9thGradeSk8terBoi…..Horatio Sanz
NaughtyGirlHotStuff…..Will Forte
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Chris…..Chris Parnell
Police Officer…..Finesse Mitchell

[ open on exterior, The Learning Annex ]

[ dissolve to interior, classroom, as Teacher addresses his class in a close-up ]

Teacher: What’s up, everybody? I am pumped to welcome you to the Learning Annex’s MySpace and You seminar. Today we’re going to help you guys set up a MySpace page, so you an communicate with mroe than 6 million young people currently in the MySpace community. Okay, let’s get started. [ squints his eyes ] You know, this is a slightly older group than I was expecting.

[ show the class, a soccer mom surrounded by a group of sleazy-looking adult men ]

Soccer Mom: [ looks around, giggles ] Uh – well, I admit i’m not here to start my own MySpace page, but my daughter is spending all of her time on it, so I thought I should see what all this hullabaloo is about!

Teacher: Okay. And the rest of you?

Chadster1991: ..What she said?

Other Men: Yeah – yeah – what the lady said – that’s it!

Teacher: Fair enough. Uh – now, the first step in creating your MySpace page is to fill out your profile – things like your name, sex, and age.

Bill: Now, with the age thing – could my, uh, “child” put a different age than his actual age.

Teacher: Yeah, I guess he could.

Bill: MySpace doesn’t have a way to police that?

Teacher: Not really.

Bill: So, if my “son” was.. forty-five.. he could say he was fifteen?

Teacher: Your son is forty-five?

Bill: I said, if he was forty-five. It’s hypothetical.

Teacher: Well, yeah, technically he could say any age he wanted. But why would he do that?

9thGradeSk8terBoi: Well, sometimes people from one age group feel more comfortable around people of another age group. Um – maybe he wants to put what age his soul is, and.. not what age he actually is.

[ the other men agree with his valid point ]

Soccer Mom: Well, um, I am always worried that my daughter and her friends are putting older ages – you know, so they could seem more mature. Do you gentlemen have the same worries with your kids?

[all the men stare at the women, until finally one of them hesitantly speaks up ]

NaughtyGirlHotStuff: Y-yes?

Teacher: Alright, you can also fill in things like your taste in music or your favorite movies. This way, you can meet people with similar tastes.

Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] Oh! My goodness! This music my daughter listens to – I don’t know how she listens to it! It must be a generational thing.

Chadster1991: Uh, I have a question.

Teacher: Yeah, go ahead.

Chadster1991: What kind of music does your daughter listen to?

Soccer Mom: Oh, uh, let’s see, what does she – oh, she listens to a lot of this band called.. Fall Out Boy.

[ all the men simultaneously type the information into their laptop computers ]

Teacher: Okay, uh – now, let’s move on —

Jason: I’m sorry – real quick. Is “Fall Out Boy” one, two, or three words?

Soccer Mom: Oh. I don’t know. [ laughs ]

Bill: I found it! It’s three words!

[ all the men simultaneously type this new information into their laptop computers ]

Teacher: Another fun part of MySpace is picking out a screen name. One common approach is to use some variation of your name and the year that you were born. So, for instance, mine is: DJDanny1979. It’s a good way to give people a little more info on who you are.

Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t want to “date” myself, fellas, but.. you can call me Nancy1966!

Teacher: Nice work. Alright. Let’s see what else we got here. [ walks over to Chadster1991 ] Chadster1991?

Chadster1991: One-thousand nine-hundred ninety-one is my favorite number.

Teacher: Okay, well, Chad —

Chadster1991: My name is Larry.

Teacher: Okay, Larry. Well, if you put 1991 on there, it might make people think you’re 15.

Chadster1991: Well, that’s a risk I’m trying to take. I really like the number.

Teacher: Okay. And, what else we got? How about over here? [ walks over to 9thGradeSk8terBoi ] 9thGradeSk8terBoi.

9thGradeSk8terBoi: [ uncomfortably ] Sk8terBoi was my fraternity nickname.

Teacher: Spelled like the Avril Lavigne song?

9thGradeSk8terBoi: Yeah.

Teacher: And why does it say 9thGrade if it was a fraternity nickname?

9thGradeSk8terBoi: [ struggling for a lie ] Um.. because, uh.. I went to college early.. like uh.. Doogie Howser!

Teacher: Okay. Alright. And what do we got over here? [ approaches NaughtyGirlHotStuff ] NaughtyGirlHotStuff. You know, I don’t even want to hear your explanations, but – you should know you’re gonna get a lot of teenaged boys wanting to meet you.

NaughtyGirlHotStuff: [ feigning shock and disdain ] Oh, no.. I don’t want that! Why would I want that? Let me just change that. [ mimes typing on his keyboard ]

Chadster1991: Uh – I have a question?

Teacher: Yeah.

Chadster1991: Let’s say you meet someone on MySpace, and want to arrange to meet them in person.

Teacher: Okay.

Chadster1991: Like, maybe you’re going to meet them at their house.

Teacher: What’s your question?

Chadster1991: What’s the best way to make sure that “Dateline”‘s not going to be there?

Teacher: [ returns to the front of the classroom ] Okay. Uh – I’m just going to race through the rest of this. Uh – you’re going to want to select an avatar, which is a visual representation of yourself. Most people use a picture of themselves.

Chris: Excuse me? Um – I was recently in a “car accident” that “severely” altered my appearance. Is it okay to use a picture of myself from before said “accident”?

Teacher: You can use anything you want – again, MySpace doesn’t really have a way to police that.

Chris: Ex-cellent!

Teacher: Just out of curiosity, what did you look like before your accident?

Chris: Chad Michael Murray.

Teacher: [ skeptical ] You looked like Chad Michael Murray?

Chris: Before the “accident”, yes, much exactly like Chad Michael Murray.

Teacher: And what kind of “accident” was it?

Chris: A severe one.

9thGradeSk8terBoi: I used to look like Ashley Parker Angel!

NaughtyGirlHotStuff: I’ve been told I look like Jessica Alba.

Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] You know what? My son loves her!

NaughtyGirlHotStuff: [ silently ] Yes!

[ suddenly, a police officer enters the room, knocking on the door forcefully after he’s already entered ]

Police Officer: Excuse me!

[ as if on cue, the older male students quickly scoop up their laptops and rush out of the classroom, offering phony excuses like “I think I left the lights on in my car!” ]

Teacher: How can I help you?

Police Officer: Well, I’m gonna teach a community policing class. do you know where Room 904 is?

Teacher: Yeah, down the hall.

Police Officer: Alright, thanks a lot! [ exits classroom ]

[ the Teacher looks at what’s left of his class – the soccer mom and 9thGradeSk8terBoi leaning against the back wall attempting to hide behind a potted plant he holds in front of his face ]

Teacher: You should probably tell your daughter to stay off the internet.

Soccer Mom: Yeah. That’s a – that’s a good idea.

[ zoom out, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Will Forte

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[dissolve to a closeup of Andy standing against a brick building.]

Andy: [panting] I’m gonna DO it! I’m gonna jump!!

[CUT to Will Forte speaking up at him through a bullhorn. Soft, melodramatic music rises in the background.]

Will: [amplified] Sir, come on. You don’t want to do this.

Andy: Yes, I do! I’m gonna do it! I have nothing left to live for!

Will: Come on, think about all the people who care about you.

Andy: Nobody cares about me! None of these people–they just wanna see the freak jump!

Will: Sir, come on. You know that’s not true–

Andy: You don’t understand!

[Andy totters forward and looks about to fall.]

Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, come on!

[Andy backs up against the building again.]

Will: Whatever it is, we can talk about it!

Andy: I love her, man! She broke my heart!

Will: No one person is worth taking your life.

Andy: She was!

Will: Just relax.

Andy: I’m done relaxing!

Will: NO, don’t DO it!!

Andy: No, run away!!

Will: Don’t do it!

Andy: I’m gonna jump!

[CUT abruptly to a wide shot of Will and Andy right next to each other on the sidewalk outside the building. Will kneels and continues shouting into his bullhorn just inches in front of Andy’s face.]

Will: [echoing] Think about it! Do you realize what you’re doing? You don’t want to do this! You do NOT want to DO this!

Andy: [distantly] I do, I do!

[A lone pedestrian, played by Jorma Taccone, walks by and throws them a casual look as they keep shouting.]

Announcer: Through good times and bad.

[CUT to a slide showing a peyote flower. The caption above reads “PEYOTE,” and the caption below reads, “Paid for by The United Peyote Growers Association.” Will’s and Andy’s voices are heard faintly in the background.]

Announcer: Peyote.

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18

05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

Tech Pack

Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Woman…..Kristin Wiig

[ open on airport terminal, flight departures board ]

[ cut to Woman stumbling out of a taxi cab, as she drops her multiple portable electronic devices ]

[ cut to Man checking his watch inside terminal, as he waits for Woman to arrive. He waves upon seeing her; her cell phone rings, causing her to dro pthe other devices once mroe as she tries to answer the cell phone. ]

Man: Cell phones, Blackberries, MP3 players – it’s too much stuff.

Woman: I know. But I could never give them up.

Man: You don’t have to. Not with the new Tech Pack. [ he opens his jacket to reveal a strap around his waist which holsters all his portable electronic devices – not unlike a bomb strap ] It’s all right here. I’ve got my Blacberry, my MP3 player, both my cell phones, and a digital camera. With plenty of pouches left over for any other electronic equipment I might want to add.

Woman: Boy, that really would make my life a lot easier!

Man: And, get this – you can control the whole pack with one easy-to-use remote control wire. [ holds up a cord-like wire, with his thumb positioned firmy over the single red button on the end ]

Woman: One wire! That really makes sense! I’m gonna get myself a Tech Pack – right after we catch this plane.

Man: Hold on, I got it.

[ his Tech Pack bouncing over his stomach, the Man proceeds to run like a maniac past the crowd and in the direction of the entrance to the plane. Other people scream, as Security frantically holds the crowd back. ]

Man: Hold the plane! hold the plane!

[ he jumps over someone’s luggage, as the scene freezes ]

Announcer: Tech Pack. You’ll be blown away.

[ Music Out: “The Letter”, by The Box Tops ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts