Category: 2005

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 16

05p: Lindsay Lohan / Pearl Jam

Le Rendezvous

Lindsay….Lindsay Lohan
Fred….Fred Armisen
Rachel….Rachel Dratch
Jason….Jason Sudeikis
Waitress….Amy Poehler
Waiter….Kenan Thompson

[Opens with an outside shot of Le Rendezvousrestaurant. Cut to inside of it, 2 couples share atable. They have just finished dinner. A blondewaitress brings dessert]

Waitress: Ok, here it is….you asked for it. Oursignature dessert, Chocolate Vesivius.

[Puts dessert on the table. “Ohh’s” and “Aahh’s” fromthe couples at the table]

Waitress: I brought you extra spoons.

[They each pick a spoon. Young girl goes first]

Lindsay: Oh, my God, ok.[takes a bite]Mmmm, Oh, myGod, you guys![slams fist on the table]Oh, my God!

Fred: Is it good?

Lindsay: Oh, my God! Yes!

Rachel: Ok, I gotta taste this.[takes a bite andstarts doing a snake dance]Meow-meow, meow-meow,meow-meow-meow-meow-meow.[2 big slams of her hand onthe table]

Fred: Wow, ok, let me try a little bit.[takes a bite,throws the spoon on the table, gets up and points tothe dessert]MMMMM!!!!-MMMMMMM!!!-MMMMM!!!!

Jason: Ok, all right, I gotta try it. Just a littlebit though, I shouldn’t….[takes a bite, getsup]WHAT?!, WHAT?!,ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!,WHAT?![sitsback down]Oh, damn it!, oh, hell. Whooo, whooo, whoo.

Lindsay:[extends her arm]Somebody take my pulse. Ithink I died and gone to chocolate heaven!

Fred: Get it out of here, get it out—I don’t want it.

Rachel: I gotta take another bite.[takes bite,gets upand swings her purse over her head and throws itaway]YEAH!, YEAH!, YEAH!, YEAH! WHOOOO!!!

[They keep enjoying the orgasmic dessert]

Fred: Ooohh.

Jason: Yeah!

Lindsay: Mmmm-mmm.

Jason:[makes sounds like a beat box]WHOOOO!!!!

Fred:[crying]Why? Why do they make these things so good?

Jason:Mmmm-mmmm.

Rachel:[licking spoon] What is it? What is it?

Lindsay:[gets up and points at the dessert]What isthat? What’s inside that cake?

Jason: It’s so good.

Lindsay: This cake is like—what is it? A hot browniebatter? Oh, you dirty chocolate bitch![throws spoon at the dessert]

Jason: Oh, you are a dirty bitch.

Fred: Yeah, dirty, dirty.

Jason:[gets cross eyed]Oh! I’ve gone blind! Thechocolate made me go blind! I can’t see a thing!

Fred:[stops waiter and takes plates from his tray]Oh,God! You know what? You know what? I gotta saythis—[starts to break the plates over his head]Youknow what? That’s what I say! It’s unbelievable!

Rachel:[face smeared with chocolate]Oh, my God!There’s ice cream down there!

Jason: ICE CREAM!

Fred: ICE CREAM!

[Dig into the deseert with their hands, their facesare dirty with chocolate]

Jason: GET OUT OF THE WAY! GET OUT OF THE WAY![grabswaiter by the neck]What’d you feed me?!

Waiter: Get your hands—[gets put on a headlock andpunched in the face 3 times]

Jason: GET OUT OF HERE!

[They are now growling around the table, a mess ofchocolate all over the table, faces all filthy withchocolate stains]

Rachel:[jumps on the table, knife in her hand]STANDBACK! STAND BACK! THE REST IS MINE! THE REST ISMINE![crazed screams]

Fred:[pulls on his tie as in auto-erotic asphyxiation,licks spoon]Oh,yeah, oh, yeah, oh,yeah.Mmmmmm-mmmmmm.[moans in pleasure]

Waitress: Are you guys done with this?

[The foursome growl and give primal screams to thewaitress, she flees in terror]

Jason: Aaaahh, get out of here!

Rachel:[makes monkey sounds]

Fred:[starts trashing the restaurant]No way, man!!It’s too good![breaks a chair in a customer’s back] Too good!!

Lindsay:[picks Jason up into the air, circles himaround]Sweet Mariah! Chocolate Vesuvius!![slams himinto the floor, Jason jumps up like nothing happened]

Waitress: Can I—can I get anybody anything else?

Jason:[normal and gentle again]Yes, the check would be great.

Waitress: Okay.[leaves the check]

Jason: Thank you.

Rachel:[normal again, points at his face]You’ve got a little something.

Jason: Where? Up here?

Fred:[normal]No, down.

Jason: Over here?

Rachel: Right there.[points]

Jason: Where? Like this far down.[stretches necktrying to find the stain]

[Scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 16

05p: Lindsay Lohan / Pearl Jam

Goodnights

…..Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan: I just want to say “Thank you!” to Peal Jam – the cast – “Saturday Night Live” – the crew – everybody at home – Lorne Michaels – my family – my brother – friends – and the Easter Bunny – and —

[ having had enough, NBC affiliates across America promptly cut Lohan off and broadcast a more heartfelt commercial for “Deal Or No Deal” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 16

05p: Lindsay Lohan / Pearl Jam

Introverts’ Night Out

Neil….Will Forte
Jean….Kristen Wiig
Sally….Lindsay Lohan
Young guy 1….Bill Hader
Young guy 2….Andy Samberg
Waitress….Rachel Dratch
Bartender….Chris Parnell

[Opens with a Sports Bar. Ultra-nerd Neil with hisvest, tie and eyeglasses. Jean with grandma clothes,outdated hairdo. Sally is similar to Jean but a littlebetter-looking, eyeglasses. They stand at the entranceof the pub]

Neil: Here we are.

Jean: I can’t tell you how long its been since I’vebeen to a bar. Certainly a matter of years, quitepossibly 3 quarters of a decade.

Sally: Yeah, you know we always talk about going foran after work drink and I’m just…I’m really excitedwe’re actually doing it. This is thrilling.

Neil: I think is important as co-workers to get a feelfor the others outside of work and in that way I thinkit helps develop a better work atmosphere.

Jean: You know, I can’t recall the last time I wentout socially period. And I am counting high school.

Neil: I hate to trump you but I did go out a fair dealin high school which helped me cut my teeth socially.You know, various sock hops, mandatory field trips anda few wild errands.

Jean: Well I too am happy that we did this. Hey look,an open table. I wonder who we ask about uh, this table?

[Empty table in front of them]

Neil: Do you, uh, see a host or hostess? Some sort ofmaitre d’? And whose name should we give them?

Sally: Uh, guys, I’m gonna take mine out of therunning because mine’s often misspelled.

Neil: I’m gonna take mine out too. I’m imagining thereare more than a few Neils in here.

Sally: Hmm, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we make up aname and give it to them? That could be kind of fun.

Jean: What if to claim our table you’re required toshow some sort of identification card?

Sally: Jean, I guess I didn’t think it through, Jean.

Neil: None of us did, Sally. None of us did. Maybe we should just leave.

[They’re ready to leave. Waitress pass in front of them]

Waitress: You guys can sit wherever you want.

Jean: Thank you.

Neil: Oh, ok.

Sally: All right.

Jean: There’s this table here that we’ve just beentalking about, in the interim I’ve noticed anothertable towards the back has opened up, Oh, ok, it’s gone. Someone took that one. Ok.

Neil: Maybe just go with the original table then? It’sfairly clean. Doesn’t look to be a wobbler. All in favor?

Jean: Aye.

Sally: Aye.

Neil: All opposed?

[Silence]

Jean: All right. Then the original table it is. [Twoyoung guys with beers take the table in front of trio]Someone took that table as well. I guess you gottahave some hot feet around here.

Sally: Ha, ha, ha. Funny. You’re funny, Jean.

Neil: What say we head to the bar? Uh, I hope stoolseating is all right for you ladies. Its not myfavorite due to a lack of back support. But, uh, whatever.

[The trio moves to the bar]

Sally: Speaking of back support, my new office chairhas really helped out my lumbar region.

Jean: I didn’t know you had back problems Sally.

Sally: Well I do. I really, really do.

Neil: What do you say we get a drink?

Jean: Good idea. Now is everyone here is gonna getsomething with alcohol?

Sally: I’d better not. You know, I took an Aleveyesterday for a sandal-related foot cramp and I don’tknow if its in my system or not.

Neil: I didn’t know you wear sandals Sally.

Sally: Well I don’t. I don’t, I don’t wear them towork. I only wear them on vacation, you know, weekends.

Jean: Well, that explains it.

Neil: I’m going to have a chardonnay.

Jean: Make it two. And I’ll have mine with a couple of ice cubes.

Sally: Oh, mess it. Make it three.

Neil: Sally….

Jean: Sally, are you sure?

Sally: You heard me. Sometimes you just got to say”oh, what the mess”!.

[Bowl of peanuts on the bar]

Jean: Oh,look, hello? Someone left their peanuts here on the bar.

Sally: What a waste of peanuts. Why do they orderpeanuts if they’re not going to finish them?

Jean: That’s America, Sally. Plain and simple. Its a problem.

[Bartender appears]

Neil: Excuse me. Three chardonnays, please. Twowithout ice. Jean, Sally, the drinks should be here really soon.

Jean: I’m excited.

[Close-up on the clock. Time passes]

Jean: So, how is this going to work?

Neil: Well, I would start by kissing Sally about herlips, neck and sternum. And Jean, you would take offmy pants while I remove both of your stockings with mymouth. From there I would proceed….[Close-up on theclock, more time passes]….and then we will eachremove our native American headdresses then all showertogether. Remove the tape from the camera, rewind itand look back fondly on the sensual unprotectedjourney we have taken.

Jean: I think that sounds really nice.

Sally: You know, I got to say I’m really excited aboutmaking strange love to the two of you tonight.

Neil: We should probably get out of here. Shall wecarpool or each take our separate cars, or–?

Sally: Well, do you think its safe to leave our carshere, you know, overnight?

Jean: You know, i said it before and I’ll say itagain. That’s America. Its a problem.

[Scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 16

05p: Lindsay Lohan / Pearl Jam

An SNL Digital Short: Laser Cats

Written by: Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, Andy Samberg

Admiral Spaceship/Himself….Andy Samberg
Nitro/Himself…..Bill Hader
……Lorne Michaels
“Princess”……Lindsay Lohan
Princess Double…..Rachel Dratch
Robo-tron…..Will Forte
Villain…..Jorma Taccone

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short”]

[ Cut to Lorne Michaels’ office where Andy Samberg and Bill Hader are about to offer a proposal to their boss.]

Bill Hader: Lorne, thank you so much for taking the time out to talk. You will not be sorry!

Lorne Michaels: I’m sure, what’s up?

Andy Samberg: Bill and I stayed up all night brainstorming, and we decided that there are two things that everyone loves!

Bill Hader: Cats and lasers!

Andy Samberg: Thats right! Cats and lasers!

[ Cut to Lorne looking a bit skeptical.]

Andy Samberg: So we went out and shot a short film, all on our own thats full of both!

Bill Hader: Cats and lasers, and I’ve gotta tell you, it came out great! And I–I think it would be perfect for the show.

Lorne Michaels: I don’t know, it doesn’t sound good.

Andy Samberg: Okay, thats fair, but I think you should watch it before you make any final decisions.

[Andy holds up the tape as he and Bill look confident, and put a video tape reading “Laser Cats!” in Lorne’s VCR.]

[Cut to a picture of the universe and words read over by a V/O reading:]

V/O: In the future, there was a nuclear war. And because of all the radiation, cats developed the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths. Some will use the cats for good, others for evil. Who will win in a world of….LASER CATS!

[Cut to Andy, now as Admiral Spaceship, and Bill, now as Nitro, running around Central Park with toy cats in their arms shooting continuously at the same villain as the titles above the screen read: “Starring: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg. Written by: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg. Directed by: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg. Cut to the duo now behind a large rock, holding two large, real cats.]

Nitro: Thanks for saving my life earlier today, Admiral Spaceship. I owe you one.

Admiral Spaceship: As long as we have cats that shoot lasers out of their mouths, we’ll be okay.

Nitro: Oh geez! I’m getting a transmission from base!

[Nitro listens into a headset and starts to press his shoulder strap that reads “Nitro!” as a sound effect beeps along with it.]

Nitro: Hello? The princess has been kidnapped!

Admiral Spaceship: [whispers] Robo-tron!

[The duo cock their laser cats.]

Nitro: Lets roll.

[Cut to the duo in what looks like the control room in NBC Studios, they pull a lever as they lean back to make the effect that they’re being pushed back so hard in their “spaceship”.]

[Cut to Admiral and Nitro walking down NBC Studios.]

Admiral Spaceship: Boy, I can’t wait to get back to home base.

Nitro: [says as he keeps walking down the hallway nonchalant] Hey, look out! Its a bad guy!

Admiral Spaceship: I got ’em partner!

[Admiral Spaceship jumps at the bad guy and shoots him with his laser cat as he falls to the ground.]

[Cut to two stray cats “shooting” lasers out of their mouths as Admiral and Nitro turn the corner.]

Both: STRAYS!

[The duo begin to dodge lasers from the strays and fight them off as the scene cuts back to Lorne watching from his office, soaking in the mediocrity as Andy and Bill are hunched watching the tv in suspense munching on peanuts, when Admiral Spaceship and Nitro high five each other, they begin to smile in approval and relief.]

[The scene cuts back to the whole movie as Admiral Spaceship rolls across the NBC Cafateria and hides behind a lunch line. He gives Nitro a single with his middle and index fingers pointing to his eyes and then Nitro’s. Nitro is behind the corner, opens and closes his palm, and then begins to point frantically to his left.]

Admiral Spaceship: I don’t–what is that?

[Cut to Nitro and Admiral Spaceship hiding behind lunch tables looking at the “princess”.]

Admiral Spaceship: [whispers] There’s the princess! We’re going to rescue!

[The two jump at Lindsay’s lunch table as she is eating lunch and reviewing her script.]

Nitro: Princess, you’re being saved, by us!

Admiral Spaceship: Now that we’ve rescued you, who would you say you like better.

Nitro: [whispers off camera] Say Nitro! Nitro!

[Lindsay looks confused as to why they’ve come up to her. Cut to Lindsay now with a princess tiara on her head.]

Admiral Spaceship: Now…say you had sex with both of us! [Lindsay seems not to understand what he said the first time] Say you had sex with both of us!

Lindsay Lohan: [disgusted] What?! See, that’s enough! [Lindsay begins to get up from the table.]

[Cut to the Princess’ double now at the table with a long black wig on.]

Princess’ Double: I had sex with both you guys.

[Admiral Spaceship and Nitro look into the camera triumphantly. Cut to Andy trying to put the tiara back on Lindsay when she is making a phone call. She puts her hand up at him.]

Nitro: Let’s get out of here!

[The duo cock their cats. Cut to Admiral Spaceship and Nitro walking down the hallway.]

Nitro: Partner, looks like everything’s gonna be alright!

Admiral Spaceship: You said it!

[Cut to down the other side of the hallway Will Forte dressed in a giant foil covered cardboard box and an aluminum foil mask as Robo-tron.]

Robo-tron: [robotic voice] Puny humans, prepare to die!

Admiral Spaceship: Robo-tron!

[Robo-tron holds up a real cat as it begins to shoot lasers at them. The duo begins to battle robo-tron with their toy cats as Nitro’s runs out of ammo.]

Nitro: Oh no! I’m out of ammo!

Admiral Spaceship: Take my spare!

[Admiral Spaceship throws a toy cat to Nitro, they begin to shoot at Robo-tron again when Admiral Spaceship is shot twice. Nitro turns the corner and begins to shoot at Robo-tron with a machine gun like cat.]

Nitro: [half-heartedly] AHH!

[Nitro shoots at Robo-tron to the point where he explodes and falls to the ground. Nitro then tends to the fallen Admiral Spaceship.]

Nitro: [whispers] Admiral Spaceship!

Admiral Spaceship: Looks like this was a one way ticket, eh kimosabe?

Nitro: Damn these laser cats!

Admiral Spaceship: [whispers quieter and quieter] No, not the laser cats. Damn….us…

Nitro: You stay with me! You stay with me!

[Admiral Spaceship dies dramatically as Nitro begins to cry.]

Nitro: NOO!

[The shot goes up to white words that read “The End”. Cut back to Lorne’s office where Lorne looks up at Bill and Andy with dead expression on his face. Bill and Andy are smiling at their creation.]

Andy Samberg: So?

Bill Hader: What do you think?

Lorne Michaels: Get out.

Bill Hader: [same expression as before.] Okay!

Andy Samberg: [same expression as before.] Sounds good!

[The two leave Lorne’s office as the screen fades to black.]

Submitted by: Alex Davis

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 6th, 2006

Tom Hanks

Red Hot Chili Peppers

None

None

Liz Cackowski

Bryan Tucker

Jorma Taccone
Bill Frist’s Gas PlanSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) hears out Bill Frist’s (Tom Hanks) new gas plan, which plays out like a late night infomercial.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Bill Frist.

Transcript

Montage

Tom Hanks’ MonologueSummary: Tom Hanks fields questions from clergymen, nuns and Jesus (Jason Sudeikis) about his performance in “The Da Vinci Code.”

First Hosted: 85e.

Transcript

Wheel of FortuneSummary: Pat Sajak (Tom Hanks) is flabbergasted when a trio of dumb contestants (Amy Poehler, Fred Armisen, Kristiin Wiig) can’t solve the final letter in the phrase “By the s-in of our teeth.”

KaitlinSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) is excited to babysit Eli’s (Tom Hanks) pet iguana.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: On the streets of New York City in 1991, three friends (Chris Parnell, Kenan Thompson, Will Forte) sample the new song “Please Don’t Cut My Testicles” by Ariell & Ephraim.

Transcript

Universal Theme ParkSummary: Brothers (Tom Hanks, Fred Armisen) standing in line for the “Back to the Future” yell for their disoriented Ma (Rachel Dratch) to locate their whereabouts.

Red Hot Chili Peppers perform “Dani California”First Performed: 91n.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Positioned to join “The View” next Fall, Rosie O’Donnell (Horatio Sanz) comments on her rivalry with Star Jones. Drs. Gunther (Fred Armisen) and Patrick Kelly (Will Forte) debate the immigration reform program with a nonsense song.

Recurring Characters: Gunther Kelly, Patrick Kelly.

Claremont Yoga CenterSummary: Laura (Rachel Dratch) is creeped out by the appearance of her sweaty male yoga partner (Tom Hanks).

C-Span After DarkSummary: In an episode of “Colin’s Place”, a political spoof of “Sanford and Son”, Colin Powell (Kenan Thompson) stews about the ongoing situation in Iraq.

Recurring Characters: Colin Powell, Condoleeza Rice.

Red Hot Chili Peppers perform “Give It Away”

Tennis PlayersSummary: One-armed Richard (Tom Hanks) learns that his tennis partner (Will Forte) has replaced him with a three-armed player (Chris Parnell). However, Richard has a trick up his sleeve, as well.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

]]>

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Day Without an ImmigrantSummary: When an illegal immigrant housekeeper (Maya Rudolph) takes the day off to join the local boycott, her employers’ (Tom Hanks, Amy Poehler) home life turns to chaos.

Head LiceSummary: Insert live beetles in your hair to get rid of lice.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A cop (Andy Samberg) has a difficult time eating with his obtrusive lobster claws.

Gump: The MusicalSummary: In the year 2031, a disgruntled Tom Hanks resumes his lead role in “Gump: The Musical.”

JanitorsSummary: Vasquez (Horatio Sanz) and a fellow janitor (Tom Hanks) are accused of stealing from the office where they clean.

Recurring Characters: Vasquez.

Tech PackSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who’s having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around the airport.

The ReceptionistSummary: An ugly receptionist (Fred Armisen) annoys visitors to the office.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 17

05q: Tom Hanks / Red Hot Chili Peppers

Bill Frist’s Gas Plan

Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Bill Frist…..Tom Hanks
Chester…..Finesse Mitchell

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior, President Bush’s office. He’s in conference with Dick Cheney. ]

Dick Cheney: So, uh, Mr. President, we will announce the new head of the CIA on Monday.

President George W. Bush: Do I have to be there?

Dick Cheney: Yes, sir.

President George W. Bush: Man! People are not sticking around here very long, just – just coming and going, you know? And I’ll tell you what my advice to the next CIA head is gonna be – rent, don’t buy!

Dick Cheney: Well, it is, uh – it is a time of transition, sir.

President George W. Bush: I really don’t want to be President any more, Dick. You know? I can’t wait for this to be over! Ugh!

Dick Cheney: Yeah, it has been a fairly rough past, sir, but the American people need you to stay strong.

President George W. Bush: I just wish the time would go faster. You know, I was staring at my calendar today, trying to change May to June. I would just shut my eyes and think, “June! June! June!” [ laughs ] No luck, you know! I just open my eyes, and it’s still May. It’s like Christmas is two-and-a-half years away, Dick! Adn I think you know how I feel about Christmas.

Dick Cheney: Well, you’re – you’re a big fan, sir.

President George W. Bush: I am! A huge fan!

Dick Cheney: Oh, and, uh, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist is here to see you.

President George W. Bush: Oh, good! You know, he is the only guy in Washington who had a worse week than I did. His $100 gas plan was a stinker!

Dick Cheney: You said it. For all of this administration’s missteps, at least we never tried to buy off people for $100 a pop.

President George W. Bush: Yeah! That Frist plan went down so fast, it was like you shot it in the face!

Dick Cheney: [ awkward silence, and then: ] Touche, sir. I’ll, uh – I’ll send him in. [ walks to the door, opens it and lets Frist enter ]

Bill Frist: Mr. Vice-President.

Dick Cheney: Good to see ya’, Bill. [ exits ]

[ Presiient Bush and Bill Frist shake hands ]

President George W. Bush: Have a seat, Fristie. Good to see ya’.

[ they sit ]

Bill Frist: Oh, good to see you, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: So, uh – I heard you rolled out a gas plan. How did that go?

Bill Frist: Well, uh, not so good, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: [ chuckles ] I heard it hit the big one! It hit that big one!

Bill Frist: Yeah.

President George W. Bush: Yep.

Bill Frist: Very funny, Mr. President. Very, very funny.

President George W. Bush: Ah, I’m sorry, Fristie. How can I make it up to you? Oh, I know! How about I give you a hundred bucks!

Bill Frist: Well, Mr. President, I will have you know that I-I-I have come up with a new plan. Now, I realize that I made a mistake with my first plan. I ran it by policy wonks – intellectuals – who would overthink, and overanalyze. But I need people to respond to a plan on an emotional level, and not on an intellectual one. I need to run my plan past the simple people. I was hoping I could run it by you, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: [ nods ] Hit me!

Bill Frist: Thank you, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Okay. Let me just say that, no matter what this new plan is, I am confident that it won’t eat it as much as the original. Because it couldn’t possibly.

Bill Frist: Well, it’s very inspiring.

President George W. Bush: [ chuckles ] That’s what I do! I inspire people. I’m the.. inspirer-er.

Bill Frist: Now, I brought some charts, so you won’t have to read anything. [ turns to face the door ] Chester!

[ Chester enters, carrying an easel with a series of cards on it. The first one reads: “Senate Gas Plan (Revised).” Chester stands the easel, then exits the room. ]

President George W. Bush: Well, that’s good. Because I’m a.. visual learner.

Bill Frist: Now, under the original plan, millions of Americans would have received $100. [ flips card to reveal a picture of a $100 bill ] And we would have been allowed to drill in the Alaskan wildlife reserve. But.. $100 simply wasn’t enough. So, I scrapped that. Started over from scratch. Went in a whole new direction. So, under my new plan, the american people will receive $120. [ flips cards to reveal pictures of a $100 bill and a $20 bill ]

President George W. Bush: That’s a good call. You know? Keep offering people money until they go for it! You know? It would be like the hit NBC show, “Deal or No Deal.” And, personally, Bill, you know, I would take your deal. You know? And, no need to take a call from the Banker – he frightens me.

Bill Frist: But, now, let’s say a gallon of gas hits four dollars a gallon. [ flips car to reveal gas pump with “4.00 price per gallon $” written on it ]

President George W. Bush: Oh! It’s gonna!

Bill Frist: Well, now, in that case, we would need to start aggressively looking for new fuel sources. Preferably by drilling in Alaska, mining in the Grand Canyon, and burning stem cells for fuel.

President George W. Bush: The American people aren’t going to like that Fristie.

Bill Frist: Bill Frist: But, now, what if I told you every American was gonna get $100, and three days and two nights at the lovely Busch Gardens resort and theme park in Tampa, Florida? [ flips card to reveal picture of Busch Gardens ]

President George W. Bush: Busch Gardens! I’d say I was pretty interested!

Bill Frist: Well, what if gas hits five dollars a gallon? [ flips car to reveal gas pump with “5.00 price per gallon $” written on it ]

President George W. Bush: And, once again, it’s gonna!

Bill Frist: We’re gonna build some more oil refineries. Now, would you want an oil refinery in yuor town?

President George W. Bush: [ now obviously reading from off-screen cue cards ] No! Those things smell bad, and they’re an eyesore.

Bill Frist: But what if I told you, that everyone in your town would get.. one of these? [ pulls out a Magic Mop ]

President George W. Bush: Well, what is that?

[ flips card over to reveal a picture of the Magic Mpp ] Well, it’s the new Magic Mop! It uses patented microfiber technology to spill up both wet and dry spills on all household surfaces!

President George W. Bush: I don’t know. Looks hard to use.

Bill Frist: It couldn’t be easier, Mr. President, to use. And, to clean it, you just hold it under running water! And if gas is five dollars by August 1st, they will get, not one, but two replacement shammies!

President George W. Bush: So, wait – you’re telling me that I get $120, the Busch Gardens vacation, and the Magic Mop with two replacement shammies? And all I have to do, is allow drilling in Alaska, mining in the Grand Canyon, and having an oil refinery in my town?

Bill Frist: It’s an over $500 value! What do you say, Mr. President?

President George W. Bush: I say: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 17

05q: Tom Hanks / Red Hot Chili Peppers

Goodnights

…..Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks: Thanks – Anthony, Flea, John, Chad – true men, the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I love the cast! Thank you, cast and crew! [ shakes Flea’s hand ] God bless you all! [ the Red Hot Chili Peppers pull Hanks into a group hug ] I love these guys, and they love me!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 17

05q: Tom Hanks / Red Hot Chili Peppers

Kaitlin

Kaitlin….Amy Poehler
Rick….Horatio Sanz
Eli….Tom Hanks

[Opens with sedated Rick, beer on his hand, sitting onhis living room couch. Kaitlin runs around Rickreading from an Iguana magazine. There is an emptyfishbowl in front of Rick]

Kaitlin: Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Listen to this!Iguanas have long fingers and claws to help them climband grasp. They use their strong tail as self defense.They are cold blooded and when they are hatched theyare raised without parental care.

Rick: That doesn’t sound like much fun.

Kaitlin: Did you know that iguanas can fall 40 to 50feet without injury, Rick? Just like me-e-e-e-e![fallsover on the couch next to Rick]

Rick: Don’t get too excited, Kaitlin.

Kaitlin: Rick if this works out maybe we can go to thestore and buy our own.

Rick: Maybe.

Kaitlin: And watching this iguana would look reallygood on my baby-sitting resume. Because right now allI have is for my special skills microwave popcorn,scary stories, bedtime enforcement and now I can addadvanced iguana ca-a-a-are!![on Rick’s ear]

[Ding-Dong, door]

Kaitlin: Rick! he’s here![jumps up and circles thecouch frantically]Iguana, Rick! He’s here, Rick! Theiguana is here, Rick! The iguana, Rick! He’shere![Rick gets up, opens the door]

Rick: Hey, how you doin’,Eli? Come on in.

Eli: Hey, Rick. Hi, how you doin’?

[Enters Eli. He’s an old hippie, long ponytail,carries a big green iguana on his arm]

Rick: Hey, you all ready for your big cruise?

Eli: Oh, all ready as all heck, Rick my bro’. Hey,Kaitlin you got the terrarium, you got the bedding,you’re a real champ, taking care of Miss Reba here.

Kaitlin: Hey Eli, why do you call your iguana MissReba?

Eli: My lady Crystal is a big Reba McIntyre fan andonce after a concert we met the real Reba McIntyre andshe let us take a picture with the iguana sitting onher hair.

Kaitlin: Whoa.

Eli: Yeah, my lady Crystal oh, she was desperate forMiss Reba here to come on a cruise with us. But whenwe did a trial run and tried to shove her into my gymbag, she freaked out and turned into a poop machine.

Kaitlin: Plus if you put her on a boat she might getseasick, cause I get really carsick if I’m in a carand not looking straight ahead I’m gonna barf. Do youremember when I was in the backseat playing with mom’scalculator and I barfed in my backpack! That wasg-r-o-double”s”, grooooss!!

Rick: Yeah, that was pretty gross.

Eli: This is her food and there are some instructionsin there as well.[puts it on the table, sits]

Kaitlin: Don’t worry Eli. I’m gonna take great care ofher and I wrote her this song. 2, 3, 4[sings] I’mgonna love your iguana and your iguana is gonna loveme-e-e-e!![stops singing]

Rick: So Eli, how’s your airbrushing business going?

Eli: Oh, it couldn’t be better Rick my bro’. Ah,youknow mostly vans, muscle t-shirts, jean jackets. Ijust landed my first corporate account with FancyPants and I’m thinking of doing them a shirt with alady in a bikini riding a tiger, right?

Rick: Oh, that makes sense.

Kaitlin: Hey, Eli. As her primary caretaker, can I askyou a few questions?

Eli: Shoot.

Kaitlin: Does she likes to wear hats?

Eli: No.

Kaitlin: Does she goes on a trampoline?

Eli: No.

Kaitlin: But she would let a mouse ride on her back?

Eli: No,wait. Maybe.

Kaitlin: Does she like microwave popcorn?

Eli: Yes.

Kaitlin: Well, awesome cause tonight we’re gonna makemicrowave popcorn and then we’re gonna read each otherhoroscopes cause I’m an Aquarius and [sings and dancesaround]this is the dawn of the new Aquarius, age ofAquarius!! AQUARIUS!!! AQUARIUUUUUUUS!![right onRick’s ear]

Rick: Relax, Kaitlin.

Eli: Hey, now you got to be careful now especially ifyou let her out to stretch her legs. Last week she atemy stack of vintage Playboys like it was a salad.

Kaitlin: I know, cause one time I was wearingChristmas lights as a belt and my jeans were still wetand when I plugged my belt i got sh-o-o-o-cked and Ihad total amnesia for like one minute and I said toJesus:”If this is my time to wipe my slate clean,please give me a new identity where I work at DiaryQueen and I can get on a mic and call people’s nameswhen their burgers are ready. Cheryl!, your burger isready! Thomas!, come get your peanut butter parfait.Rick!,your cheeseburger’s ready”,[in his ear] Rick!,Rick!, Rick!

Rick: Ok Kaitlin, calm down. Let’s get Eli on theroad, ok? And we’ll take care of the iguana, get himsome food.

Eli: Ok, now Kaitlin here we go. You just put your armout just like so[iguana rests on Eli’s forearm] andMiss Reba will walk right on to you.

[Suspenseful music. Close-up of Kaitlin’s face frozenwith fear, cut to close up on the iguana’s face, cutto Kaitlin scared, cut to iguana]

Kaitlin:[whispers]Rick, Rick. I don’t want to touchthe iguana.

Eli: Kaitlin no,it’s ok. She likes you. I can tell bythe look on her face.

[Close-up on the iguana’s unfriendly stare]

Kaitlin:[whispers]Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.

Rick:[let’s her off the hook]Hey, Kaitlin why don’t wejust let her relax in the cage for a minute. Ease intothings a little.

[Eli puts the iguana in the empty fishbowl]

Kaitlin: Good idea, Rick. I don’t know why you’re soscared of her.

Eli: All right, folks. I’m off. I am looking forwardto 4 days on a boat where I don’t have to share mybrass bed with a jealous reptile. Hey, peace, love,understanding, what’s wrong with it?[leaves]

Rick: Have a good trip, Eli.

[Rick sits with Kaitlin looking at the iguana]

Kaitlin: Rick can Miss Reba stay in her cage?

Rick: Yes.

Kaitlin: If she needs to be fed, can you do it?

Rick: Yes.

Kaitlin: Can she climb stairs?

Rick: No.

Kaitlin: Can I sleep with the lights on?

Rick: Yes

[fade]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 17

05q: Tom Hanks / Red Hot Chili Peppers

Tom Hanks’ Monologue

…..Tom Hanks
Woman in Audience…..Liz Cackowski
Father Gregory Sante…..Fred Armisen
Priest…..Chris Parnell
Man in Audience…..Bryan Tucker
Albino Monk…..Bill Hader
Nun…..Rachel Dratch
Pope Benedict XVI…..Darrell Hammond
…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Tom Hanks!

Tom Hanks: Thank you! Thank you. Thank you, thak you. Thank you. Thank you very much, thank you! You know, it’s great to be hosting “SNL” for my eighth time, ladies and gentlemen. You know, a lot of you probably know that I’m in a new movie that’s coming out, called “The Da Vinci Code.” It’s coming out soon – thank you. Well, what you may not know – you may not know this, because I didn’t know this until recently. It’s actually based on a book, of the same time. Interesting, huh?

So, anyway – we shot the movie in Europe, for about four months. We were in Paris, and London, and Scotland. I kept a video diary, because I knew I was going to be doing this show. so, if you would like to —

Woman in Audience: Uh, Mr. Hanks? Mr. Hanks?

Tom Hanks: What? Yes? You have, what – a question?

Woman in Audience: Yes, I’m really sorry to interrupt, but – there’s a lot of controversy about “The Da Vinci Code.” Aren’t you worried about the reaction from the Catholic church?

Tom Hanks: Oh. Now, actually, many people in the church are going to be using the film to open up a dialogue, and, perhaps, to draw people into their fold. So, no. No, I don’t think that —

Father Gregory Sante: Mr. Hanks? Mr. Hanks?

Tom Hanks: Yes?

Father Gregory Sante: Hi, I’m Father Gregory Sante, from the archdiocese here in New York. We have just one thing we’d like to ask you.

Tom Hanks: [ uneasy ] Alright.

Father Gregory Sante: What’s the deal with your hair?

Tom Hanks: Well, I, uh – I kind of grew it out for the movie. I kind of like it.

Father Gregory Sante: Really?

Tom Hanks: Yes. Really. so, if we could just – if you want to look at that video diary —

Priest: Mr. Hanks?

Tom Hanks: Uh-oh. Yes? You.

Priest: Mr. Hanks, I was wondering: when you were making the film, and you were meeting with the producers, and writers, and the director – in all that creative process, did you ever wonder what it would feel like to burn in eternity hellfire?

Tom Hanks: Well, uh, you know, when you come right down to it, it’s really the director who makes all the decisions. And that, of course, is Ron Howard, the guy from “Happy Days.” So, uh – [ glances at the audience ] Yes? Yes?

Man in Audience: Hi, um – I just want to tell you, I object to the way Albino monks are portrayed in the movie. Um, you seem to be “They’re all creepy and evil, all of them?”

Albino Monk: [ stands ] Actually, uh – I am an Albino monk, and, uh – we’re pretty creepy.

Man in Audience: Never mind. [ they both sit ]

Tom Hanks: [ glances at the audience ] Yes? Yes, uh, Sister, yes?

Nun: [ standing, with obvious rope tied to her backside ] Yes. As someone who has donned the holy cloth of the church, I find it very offensive that, for the sole purpose of entertaining — [ the ropes lift, and she flies over the crowd, screaming for joy ]

Tom Hanks: Uh, so anyway – [ looks to the side of the audience ] oh, uh, yes. Yes, you have a question, your Holiness?

Pope Benedict XVI: [ speaks in a Latin accent ]

Tom Hanks: Oh, oh. This is in Latin. Okay.

Pope Benedict XVI: [ speaks in Latin, with subtitles ] “I wrote this script about a priest and a movie star who team up to fight crime. Do you think you could take a look at it?”

Tom Hanks: Oh! Oh, of course. Sure!

Pope Benedict XVI: [ speaks in Latin, with subtitles ] “You’d be perfect as the movie star, and as for the priest, I’m thinking Vince Vaughn.”

Tom Hanks: [ speaks back in Latin ] “You might want to contact Ron Howard at opie299@compuserve.com.” [ looks among the audience ] Uh – oh, yes. Dear Lord!

Jason Sudeikis: [ dressed as Jesus ] Mr. Hanks. I saw your film, and I just want you know that I forgive you.

Tom Hanks: So, you don’t have a problem with “The Da Vinci Code”?

Jason Sudeikis: No, I haven’t seen that. I was forgiving you for making “The Terminal.”

Tom Hanks: Come on! That was a delightful movie!

Jason Sudeikis: Oh, come on! It should have been called “Interminal”, huh?Tom Hanks: Ah ha, very funny.

Jason Sudeikis: Seriously! I saw it on an airplane, and people were still walking out!

Tom Hanks: Alright, alright, yeah, okay. You’re one of the new cast members, aren’t you? What is it – Sudeikis, right?

Jason Sudeikis: Uh – yeah.

Tom Hanks: Yeah, you know Steven Spielberg directed “The Terminal”?

Jason Sudeikis: Uh – yeah, I was aware of that.

Tom Hanks: Wow. So, you’re taking on both the Son of Man and Steven Spielberg in the same show.

Jason Sudeikis: [ chuckles nervously ] No, no, no, what I meant was, uh — [ begins to peel his fake beard off ]

Tom Hanks: I hope that works for you. I’m sure we’ll see you in September! Anyway – Anthony, Flea, John, Chad – Red Hot Chili Peppers! are here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 17

05q: Tom Hanks / Red Hot Chili Peppers

An SNL Digital Short

Ariell…..Andy Samberg
Ephraim…..Tom Hanks

Ariell & Ephraim: [ singing ]
“Morning in the kitchen
You’re frying an egg
I’m squeezing some oranges
The room is getting hot

Over at the counter
I shake the salt
You take out a knife
Please don’t cut my testicles

Please don’t cut my testicles
Please don’t cut my testicles
Don’t cut my testicles
It’s a nice day, relax

Oh Efrim, you’re sexy
Right back at you, baby!
Oh Efrim, you’re handsome
I’m serious about my testicles

At the post office
Standing in line
You wrap my package
I lick the stamp

Put it in the slot
Then close the door
But please don’t slam it
On my testicles

Don’t slam my testicles
Please don’t slam my testicles
Don’t slam my testicles
It’s a free country have fun!

Ariel, you worry
I do, I worry oh-ften (often)
Oh Efrim, come with me
Did I mention I was gay?

Don’t burn off our testicles
Don’t burn off our testicles
Please don’t burn my testicles.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts