Antonio Banderas: Well, thanks to Mary J. Blige. And, uh, of course, Chris Kattan – my little me! [ his words are drowned out by the applause ] And, uh, of course – of course – to the rest of the cast, it’s been incredible working with you guys! Seriously. I hope not to be deported, and I am now a part of the American pop culture. Thank you very much!
Frank…..Will Forte M.J. Reynolds…..Amy Poehler Paul…..Antonio Banderas Pam…..Rachel Dratch Mr. Reynolds…..Chris Parnell
[open on exterior of bar: “Rascals, tonight karaoke”]
Frank: [singing] …boys were drinking whisky and rye / [dissolve to interior with Frank singing on stage] singing this’ll be the day that I die. / This’ll be the day that I [high note] diii-eee!
M.J.: Yeah! All right. Let’s give it up for Frank, “American Pie.” Slowed it down and sang it twice. For those of you just joining us, I’m M.J. Reynolds. I’m your karaoke host and your guide on this musical journey tonight. [singing] We’re going riding on the freeway of love! [speaking] We gotta get some people up here tonight. I love the sound of my own voice, but tonight I’m here to service you.
[Pam and Paul are sitting together at a table]
Paul: Oh, I’m having such a great time, Pam.
Pam: Me, too, and, uh, well, I have a surprise for you.
M.J.: Okay, next up we have Pam. Pam is on a special date, and she wants to sing a song to her special friend, Paul. Pam, are you ready?
Pam: I’m shy.
M.J.: It’s gonna be a blast.
Pam: But I’m so shy.
M.J.: I’ll help you if you need it.
Pam: Oh, all right. I’d like to try.
Paul: I can’t belive you are doing this. At work, you are so shy!
Pam: I know, I’m shy!
[Pam gets up and walks onto the stage]
M.J.: Okay, come on, let’s give Pam a hand, everybody.
[“Natural Woman” plays]
Pam: [singing] Looking out on the morning rain / I used to feel uninspired. / [Paul touches his heart with his hand] And when I knew I had to face another day…
M.J.: [singing] A-oop.
Pam: [singing] Lord it made me feel so tired. / [with M.J. singing “ooo-ooo-ooo”] Before the day I met you, life was so unkind.
Pam and M.J.: But you’re the key to my piece of mind. / [with M.J. much louder than Pam] ‘Cause you make me feel, / you make me feel, / [M.J. straddles Paul and does a back-bend] you make me feel like a natural woman. / [M.J. cuddles with Paul and continues to sing much more loudly than Pam] When my soul was in the lost and found, / you came along to claim it. / I did not know just what was wrong with me.
Paul: [singing, as M.J. puts the microphone in front of him] A-oop.
Pam and M.J.: ‘Til your kiss helped me name it.
Pam: Now I’m no longer doubtful of what I’m living for. / [she sings to an old man in the audience] And if you make me happy I don’t need to do more.
[M.J. gives her microphone to Paul and continues to cuddle with him as he stands]
Pam and Paul: ‘Cause you make me feel, / you make me feel, / you make me feel like a nautural woman.
[music ends]
M.J.: Oh, yeah, all right! Give it up for Pam, everybody. Hot stuff. Hot stuff.
[Pam sits back down with Paul at their table]
Paul: Wow, that was terific.
Pam: I couldn’t tell if you liked it.
Paul: Oh, no, I loved it. And this red-haired lady is very talented, too.
M.J.: Okay, next up, everybody, we have–
Pam: I want to go again. [she gets back on the stage] Number 102. [“Sexual Healing” plays] [singing] Baby, I’m hot just like an oven. / I need your loving. / [M.J. and Paul drink together] And when I get the feeling, / I need sexual healing. [she hits the stereo controls and “Milkshake” plays] [singing] My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, / and they’re like, “It’s better than yours.” / Damn right, it’s better than yours. / [M.J. feeds Paul something from his plate] I could teach you, but I’d have to charge. [she hits the stereo controls and “Me So Horny” plays] [singing] Oh, me so horny. / Oh, oh, me so horny. / Ooh, me so horny. / Me love you long time. [M.J. and Paul are kissing] [music ends] [speaking] Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah! You know what? I knew this was too good to be true. I mean, why would a spicy guy like you go with a white-bread, grilled-cheese sandwich like me, right? Everyone at the office told me you were just going out with me for a green card. But I guess I believed in love! Well, I’m calling INS tomorrow, and you are on a one-way flight back to Paraguay! So go suck an egg, bozo!
Paul: Oh, darling, wait, wait, wait.
M.J.: [getting up on stage] Hey, hey, guys, guys, let’s keep it positive, all right? Karaoke is about fun times with new friends. At least that’s what I tell my husband, right, honey?
Mr. Reynolds: [standing at the back of the room] Screw you, Mary Anne.
Paul: Pam, please, let me make it up to you. I want to sing a special song. The song that was playing the first time Pam and I made love. [“Take Me Out” plays] [singing] Take me out to the ballgame. / Take me out with the crowd.
Pam: We had sex in the bathroom at a Mets game.
Paul and Pam: [singing] Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.
Ladies and gentlemen – friends – amigos Hispanos – amigos Chicanos – people in general – doctors – lawyers – politicians – truck drivers – taxi drivers – children – elderly cabelleros and senoras – baseball players – journalists – papparazzis – etc. etc.
Probably tonight is the beginning of the end of my career. But I gladly take this risk, in order to have the opportunity to be part of the american pop culture. Which means that, after the show finishes, I will not only be deported from this country, but there is a strong possibility that they won’t allow me back into mine. But I will use this opportunity to say that not everyone in Spain dress as a bull fighter or a flamenco dancer. And, you know – you know what? I am tired of being called a Latin lover, a macho man. I am not an object. and you will understand why I am saying this, once you know the truth. The truth will shock the world, or, at least, a village. But the truth is, that I am, in fact, a woman.
[ he rips off his suit to reveal a slinky red dress and bouncing breasts ]
My real name is Guadalupe, but you can call me.. Lupita! [ pulls off his breakaway pants to reveal the rest of his dress and knee-high boots ] Or, as some people know me, “Puss In Boots.” I have so much conflict over the past several years. As a man, I was living a lie; as a woman, I am obviously less attractive, but it is what it is.
We have a great show for you tonight. My sister – Mary J. Blige – is here. so stick around, we’ll be right back!
[dissolve to interior, a party, with Julie eating finger foods as a man approaches her]
Alberto: [with Spanish accent, continues throughout] Oh, look at all this food.
Julie: [with monotone voice, continues throughout] I’m sorry. I didn’t get that.
Alberto: I’m just hungry.
Julie: Okay.
Alberto: Hi, I am Alberto. [extends his hand]
Julie: [shakes his hand] Hi, I’m Julie.
Alberto: Hi, nice to meet you. So, what do you do, Julie?
Julie: I do voice recordings for various customer service lines such as American Airlines and Amtrak.
Alberto: Wow. I am a CPA. I know, I know, boring.
Julie: That’s right.
Alberto: No, but at this time of year, busy, busy, busy.
Julie: I think you said “Dizzy, dizzy, dizzy.” Did I get that right?
Alberto: Eh, no. “Busy.”
Julie: I think you said “Lizzie.”
Alberto: No, “Busy. Busy.”
Julie: My mistake. So, Alberto, let me get some information. What do you do for fun?
Alberto: Well, not much.
Julie: Got it.
Alberto: I like trying new restaurants.
Julie: Got it.
Alberto: And I play tennis.
Julie: Got it.
Alberto: [clears throat] Ah, yeah. How about you?
Julie: I like to travel to various locations, such as Dallas/Fort Worth and New York/Laguardia. Other information may be available online.
Alberto: Well, I’ll take a look.
Julie: Also, I’m a shopaholic!
Alberto: A what?
Julie: A shopaholic!
Alberto: I’m sorry, I do not know what you mean. I mean, my English is not that…
Julie: Oh, to continue in Spanish, please say “Yes.”
Juan: [steps up behind Julie] Para continuar en español, diga “Sí.”
Julie: Alberto, this is Juan. He’s a friend of mine from work.
Juan: Bienvenidos.
Alberto: Hola. Hola.
Julie: Will you be needing drinks tonight?
Alberto: Sure, thanks!
Julie: Please listen carefully, as the options have changed. Or, if you know the drink you want, you can interrupt me at any time. There’s merlot, chardonnay, various cocktails–
Alberto: I’ll have a gin and tonic with lime, something like that.
Julie: Before I get your drink, let me see if I have that right. That’s one gin and tonic on the rocks with a twist. Did I get that right?
Alberto: Yeah.
Julie: Your approximate wait time is one minute. [walks up towards the bar]
Juan: Primero necesito información. [asks a question in Spanish]
Alberto: [answers in Spanish]
Juan: Claro. ¿Necesitas un carro?
Alberto: A car? No, I have a car.
Juan: Goodbye. [steps away]
Julie: [returning with two drinks] I’ve got your drink.
Alberto: [takes his drink from her] Oh! Thank you. Thank you, Julie. I was wondering, do you think I could get your number?
(Backstage. Amy Poehler, Chris Parnell and Jason Sudeikis are talking. Antonio Banderas runs into them)
Amy: Oh, good job, Antonio!
Chris: Really good!
Jason: Yeah, really good.
Antonio: Doing sketch comedy is easy, you know maybe I´ll do this for a living. Anyway, I´ve gotta go. Gotta go. See you later.
Jason: OK, see you. That´s great. (Antonio leaves)
Chris: See what I mean?
Amy: Now I do.
Jason: What do you guys mean?
Chris: The foreigner thinks he can do our job?
Jason: Oh, I don´t think that´s what he meant.
Amy: No. They all do. I´m tired of these Mexicans coming into our country and taking our jobs.
Jason: You know, first of all, Antonio is not Mexican.
Amy: Yeah, he is!
Chris: Definitely is! Looks like one.
Jason: No, he´s Spanish, all right. And secondly, you guys are racist.
Chris: Oh, are we? Wait ’til they take your job.
Amy: Yeah, yeah. If NBC had its way, this whole cast would be border-jumping Mexicans. (Horatio Sanz joins them) Yo, Horatio! What´s up, man! (Highs five him)
Horatio: What´s up, guys?
(Fred Armisen talks directly into the camera as Amy, Jason and Chris leave)
Fred: I´ll tell you what´s up! My name´s Fred Armisen. (Antonio Banderas joins in)
Antonio: Hi, I am Antonio Banderas.
Horatio: And I am “Horacio” Sanz.
Antonio: In the coming weeks, as the issue of illegal inmigration takes center stage in American politics, you are going to hear many sides to this difficult issue.
Fred: Much of what you hear will not be the truth. Politics will color the debate, making it harder for all of us to understand the real issue.
Horatio: No matter what anyone says, there is no simple solution to this problem.
Antonio: What we know is this: we are coming, and we´re going to take your job.
Horatio,/b>: We are also planning to have sex with your women and make lots of babies. Which you´ll pay with your tax dollars.
Antonio: But that has long been the plan.
Fred: Many of us are criminals. And we intend to cut you with knives.
Horatio: And flood your cities with drugs.
Antonio: But there is no fight in this. It was a plan we all came up with and we all agree was the best plan, right?
Horatio: Yes.
Fred: I´m not really an illegal alien, but my mother´s Venezuelan and she used to tell me this great plan when I was a child. Take their jobs, cut them with knives, drugs.
Antonio: And make babies.
Horatio: Hopefully, this will put an end to the debate. There is no solution.
Fred: Only the plan.
Antonio: Thank you for listening, and remember The Alamo.
(Fred, Horatio and Antonio join hands in big Latin support)
…..Tina Fey …..Amy Poehler Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond Chad Michael Murray…..Will Forte …..Chris Kattan
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey and here are tonight’s top stories.
The Senate on Thursday failed to reach a compromise on immigration legislation, which would have allowed illegal immigrants who have been in the U.S. longer than five years to remain. While those who have been here between two and five years would have to leave but could return as guest workers, and immigrants here less than two years will be right back with your entrees.
Former House majority leader Tom Delay, still embroiled in a lobbying scandal, said Monday that he will not run for re-election and will leave Congress in a few months. Delay says he will spend his free time doing what he loves most – slapping ice-cream cones out of children’s hands.
Before saying goodbye to one of America’s most powerful Congressmen, let’s take a look back at Tom Delay’s journey through Congress.
(a brief video montage plays to the song “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter)
(at the end of the montage the “American Idol” intro is heard)
Tina Fey: Remember, America, you have to vote for your favorites to keep them around! Back to you, Amy.
Amy Poehler: President Bush threw out the first pitch Monday at Cincinatti’s Great American Ballpark. Eighteen Iraqis were killed.
According to Washington insiders, White House press secretary Scott McClellan could be the next official to leave the Bush administration. McClellan says he’d like to spend more time lying for his family.
Tina Fey: It was announced this week that “Today Show” host Katie Couric will anchor the CBS Evening News starting this fall. Here with a comment, is former CBS Evening News anchor, Dan Rather.
(pan to Dan Rather, applause)
Dan Rather: Well, Tina, when my good friend Sean McManus, the president of CBS News, called me up and told me he named Katie Couric as my permanent replacement, I must have laughed for five minutes. And then he said, “I’m serious”, and I laughed for another five minutes, because Sean McManus is quite a prankster. That when he finally convinced me that he had indeed hired Katie Couric, I said, “Delightful.” Some in the boys’ club known as network news might be reluctant to accept this perky young gal, but not this old news hound, who made his bones in the trenches of Vietnam and in ’63 was the first person to report on that frightful day in Dallas. I have nothing but admiration for miss Couric. What some of my colleagues might be forgetting is the report she did just recently, on how to party hardy at your prom for only pennies. (pause) Buddy, that was a biggie. I’m anxious to see her bring the acumen she received from morning news to reach a new audience with her investigative look, into the diversity of cooking with a bell pepper. Mm mm, good.
Tina Fey: So, do you think it will be a big adjustment going from the Today Show to Nightly News?
Dan Rather: Might be a few speed bumps at the start. When challenged by something as dry as the immigration bill, she’ll wish she could still batter with Matt Lauer, her co-host of twelve years, and the type of man we used to call “pretty”. But don’t forget, folks, Katie is tough as nails, and the Today Show is a news program. Just look who they chose to replace miss Couric, none other than Meredith Vieira, the smart as a whip co-host from the ladies’ think tank known as The View. And need I remind you, I worked with Meredith over at 60 Minutes, and although she couldn’t cut it there, I think she’ll be a valuable asset to the Today Show. Actually, Tina, I’m surprised they didn’t ask one of you lovely ladies to take over for Katie.
Amy Poehler: Oh, they asked me to do it, and I was thinking about it.
Tina Fey: Yeah, they asked me too but I said there was no way I was gonna let Amy do it.
Dan Rather: Well, in conclusion, I wish Katie Couric the best of luck at that network, or the network that served me so well, and if I could ask a special favour, from one news anchor to another, I’d be happier than an Indian drowning in fire water if you could have the band Rascal Flatts on your Nightly News Summer Concert series. Dan Rather, good night.
Tina Fey: Dan Rather, everybody.
Amy Poehler: A new study says that sexually charged music, magazines, TV and movies push youngsters into intercourse at an earlier age. Also pushing youngster into intercourse, me.
Tina Fey: Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia and South Carolina have proposed bills that would outlaw “hog dogging”, which is an event where a dog viciously attacks a wild hog in a fenced-in area. This Sunday on NBC Sports.
View co-host Meredith Vieira will reportedly be paid 40 million dollars to replace Katie Couric on the Today Show. Getting out of Star Jones’ perfume/fart cloud? Priceless. Congratulations Meredith, you’re out.
Amy Poehler: Police in Los Angeles are investigating a report by Paula Abdul, that a man slammed her into a wall during an argument at a party, giving her a concussion. Doctors became concerned when Abdul began speaking clearly and making sense.
Tina Fey: In a recent interview, Tom Cruise revealed his prorities for the summer, saying, (imitating Tom Cruise) “First, the baby. Then, the film. Then, in the summer we want to get married. Then, we’re gonna eat the baby.”
Amy Poehler: Barbara Walters is denying a London Times claim that she tap danced as a child under the name Babs Elliott, saying, “That’s just an urban myth.” Although she did admit to doing porno in the ’70s, under the name Lispy Canyons.
Tina Fey: In, uh, in entertainment news this week, Chad Michael Murray announced that he is engaged to Kenzie Dalton, and 18-year-old extra from the hit WB show One Tree Hill. This comes after just a five month marriage to Sophia Bush, another co-star from One Tree Hill. Here to talk about his love life, is Chad Michael Murray.
(pan to Chad Michael Murray, applause)
Chad Michael Murray: Whazzup?
Amy Poehler: Wow, wow. Chad Michael Murray, you look really good tonight.
Chad Michael Murray: Thanks, Amy. I know.
Amy Poehler: Hey, oh, and can I just say that I love One Tree Hill.
Tina Fey: You’ve never seen One Tree Hill!
Amy Poehler: (to Tina) Schh, quiet.
Tina Fey: So, okay, so Chad–
Chad Michael Murray: (interrupts) Michael Murray, Tina.
Tina Fey: Okay, so Chad Michael Murray, this is the second woman in a year that you’ve worked with that you’ve asked to marry you.
Chad Michael Murray: I assure you that is a coincidence. You know, I’m not gonna let the fact that I work with these people get in the way of how much I love them.
Tina Fey: Okay, well that, that sort of makes sense, I guess. Sure.
Chad Michael Murray: I know it does, Tina. Because I’m Chad Michael Murray. Now, uh, will you marry me?
Tina Fey: No, what? No.
Chad Michael Murray: Ha ha. That’s strange. Must people I work with tend to want to marry me. Okay, what about you, Amy?
Amy Poehler: Oh yeah, absolutely!
Tina Fey: Amy, you’re married.
Amy Poehler: To a Canadian! This is Chad Michael Murray.
Tina Fey: But you’re already married!
Amy Poehler: My husband will understand. Chad Michael Murray is a celebrity I’m allowed to leave him for.
Tina Fey: What celebrity can he leave you for?
Amy Poehler: Chad Michael Murray.
Chad Michael Murray: What can I say, Tina.
Tina Fey: Well, you’re getting married to a Kenzie Dalton, is that right?
Chad Michael Murray: Ah, and I love her so much. I mean, she is the one. She is… one of the ones.
Tina Fey: Wait a minute, she- she’s “one of the ones”?
Chad Michael Murray: Well, you know, there are a lot of people at One Tree Hill, you know, uh… (shows his hands from underneith the desk, completely covered with rings) This is Donna (points to a ring) from craft services, you know. I love her. She’s my sun and my moon, she’s everything to me. This is Tia (points to another ring), the production designer, she is my Saturn, she’s my Jupiter. This is Brenda (points to another ring), she does hair or make up, one of those. I love her. Ah, she is like the rays around Saturn.
Tina Fey: Okay, we get it, yeah. Is there anyone you’re not married to from your show?
Chad Michael Murray: Sophia Bush. I am currently divorced from her, but I am keeping the ring because I think there’s a good chance I might marry her again. So, yeah, but this entire hand is from One Tree Hill.
Tina Fey: Who’s on the other hand?
Chad Michael Murray: Oh yeah, well I did a movie last summer, so.
Tina Fey: So that’s a lot of rings. What happens if you do another movie?
Chad Michael Murray: Well, I’ll start on the toes. And then after my feet are filled, I have a pretty good idea of where I’ll go next.
Tina Fey: Euw.
Chad Michael Murray: My penis, Tina.
Tina Fey: Yeah, I got it! Yeah, double euw. Chad Michael Murray, everyone. The boring guy from Freaky Friday.
Amy Poehler: This coming Wednesday marks the first night of the Jewish holiday of passover, so if you see a doorway smeared with blood, don’t be alarmed, it just means the Angel of Death is coming to kill Egyptian children.
Tina Fey: On Tuesday, Coke is launching Coca-Cola Blak, which is a soda that blends Coke, natural flavors and coffee essence. Just like your garbage disposal.
Scientists have discovered a fossile of a 375 million year-old fish with a reptilian jaw and a swivelling neck that they say is a long-sought missing link between fish and walking land creatures. Disturbingly, they found it in a Red Lobster fried seafood platter.
According to a new study, migrating tree frogs are responsible for- (a knock is heard)
Amy Poehler: Oh, oh Tina, someone’s at the Update door.
Tina Fey: Wow, that hasn’t happened in a long time, lets see.
(Chris Kattan walks in)
Tina Fey: Oh, hey, it’s Chris Kattan, everybody!
(Tina returns to her chair, with Kattan standing in between them)
Tina Fey: Nice to see you.
Chris Kattan: Hi, hi Amy. Hi, Tina.
Tina Fey: What, Chris, are you mad at me about something?
Chris Kattan: Yeah, no, yeah, I’m a little bit mad that no one called me when Antonio Banderas was hosting. I mean, did like, all of a sudden we all forgot that Antonio Banderas was like my most famous character? Ever?
Tina Fey: Really? It wasn’t Mango?
Chris Kattan: Which one was Mango? The one with the apple?
Amy Poehler: No, no! That was mr. Peepers!
Chris Kattan: Oh, was that the one with the, the pink swastika?
Tina Fey: No, that was Gay Hitler.
Chris Kattan: Oh yeah, Gay Hitler!
(they all start laughing)
Chris Kattan: That was so funny, I remember Gay Hitler! (imitating Tina Fey) “Gay Hitler, everybody everybody!” That was relly good stuff, I remember that. (he stops laughing) No, but seriously, you guys are jerks.
Tina Fey: Well, you know, Chris, with all due respect, I don’t think that Antonio Banderas scene was a popular as you remember.
Chris Kattan: WHAT?! Oh my God!
Amy Poehler: You know, Chris, people have been watching Antonio all night. Are you sure that your impression will hold up to that kind of scrutiny?
Chris Kattan: No, I don’t think it will. But I’m gonna do it anyway, Amy.(Mexican guitar-playing is heard)
Chris Kattan: (turns to camera, imitating Antonio Banderas) Hello. I am Antonio… y Banderas. I am… (zips the top of his shirt open to reveal some chest) actor. Welcome to the… how do you say? Ah yes, show.
Tina Fey: (with a Mexican accent) Ah, he’s too sexy! He’s too sexy, my friend!
Chris Kattan: Oh, thank you so much.
Amy Poehler: Chris Kattan everybody!
Chris Kattan: You cannot have the mango! (smacks his own butt)
Amy Poehler: Yay!
Chris Kattan: Haha, that was a good one too!
(Tina hands him an apple)
Chris Kattan: Oh yeah! (starts eating the apple sloppily)
Amy Poehler: Ah, mr. Peepers! For Weekend Update, I’m a Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[they sip and make appreciative sounds, and also chuckle continually in response to the others’ comments]
Woman: Oh, this is a big red.
Copeland: It’s too big.
Woman: Yes.
Copeland: Enormous.
Woman: Let’s pull out something a little lighter. Any requests, Roberto?
Roberto: A merlot?
Copeland: That’s fine.
Woman: Yes, merlot, slumming it.
[they chuckle]
[the woman sets out three glasses, Copeland pours the wine, and they all smell it]
Roberto: Oh, she is ambitious. Is anyone getting a bit of aftershave lotion?
Copeland: Perhaps. And maybe a hint of snow, and electronics?
Woman: Yes, and a ship’s hull?
Roberto: Of course, usually I think of a merlot as a dirty whore who sweats on my bed and leave my bathroom floor stained with vomit, [he sips] but this wine is a date you could take to meet your family.
Woman: Yes.
Copeland: If they were still speaking to you. Wonderful.
Woman: Wonderful.
Copeland: Roberto, have you found a place to live?
Roberto: Yes, I have. It’s a fantastic situation, really. I now live with an old woman in her dead son’s bedroom. It is free as long as I answer to the name Marty.
Copeland: Oh, wonderful.
Woman: [sets out three more glasses] You know what else is wonderful? You have got to try this zin.
Copeland: [pouring the wine] You know, I find that zinfandel has a seductive character that says, [he puts his finger to his lips] “Shh! Let’s not talk.”
Woman: I agree, Copeland. This is very chewey. [they all smell the wine] Mmm, what is that? Ooh, it’s making me nostalgic. What is that?
Copeland: Oh, oh, I know. The last time we had this vintage, I had a gun in my mouth.
Woman: That’s right. And I was holding that gun in your mouth.
Roberto: Yes, gun-metal. That’s what I’m getting.
Woman: Yes.
Copeland: What a night.
Woman: Wow. Oh, Roberto, we have a surprise for you.
Roberto: Oh, I’m getting so excited, I’m going to wet my pants. [Copeland produces a very large bottle] Oh, what is this? What is this? Oh, my God!
[the woman sets out three glasses the size of fishbowls]
Copeland: This is a bottle we stole from a tomb in Prague. We actually don’t know what it is.
Woman: Yes, it was during our whole grave-robbing phase. Do you remember that, Copeland?
Copeland: [pouring the wine] No, I do not remember any of it.
Woman: Okay, who’s ready? Let’s really get into this, guys, okay? [they all take a deep breach and put their faces into the glasses to smell the wine] Okay, here we go.
[after a few moments, each lifts his or her head to talk, and all of their faces are stained with wine]
Roberto: This is mysterious. Do I detect swordplay?
Copeland: Yes, yes, and treason?
Woman: Is anyone getting werewolves?
Copeland: Arresting, don’t you think, Roberto?
Roberto: Well, it sounds great, but it tastes horrendous. It is like a woman who is only attractive from the back.
Woman: Absolutely. Yes, Copeland, and yes, Roberto.
(Opens with an action scene in progress from “The Legend of Zorro” on a Mexican villa movie set, fountain in the middle, Zorro and Ms.Zeta Jones character sword fight with the bad guys. Zorro punches guy, Ms.Zeta Jones strikes guy with sword, Zorro strikes guy with sword. Ms. Zeta Jones and Zorro are back to back.)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Mi Amor!! You did it! You saved California!
Antonio/Zorro: No, we saved California!
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Oh!(Leans for a kiss, Antonio signals no and pulls away)
Gary: And…Cut! All right, all right. Nice job, nice job. Excellent, excellent.
Antonio Banderas: Thank you everyone. I´m afraid I cannot continue with this scene so at this time I bid you adieu. I´ll be in my chair.(Walks off set)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: OK, what´s going on Gary? What happened to the kiss?
Gary: OK, uh, how do I say this? Umm, Antonio is really freaked out about germs and this avian bird flu thing.
Antonio: Yeah, and herpes too!
Gary: Yeah, that´s right and herpes too.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Well, I don´t have herpes.
Gary: Look, I´m pretty sure you don´t. But this agent is threatening to pull him from the picture if he has to do any kissing.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: This is crazy!
(Faked concern)
Gary: I know!! Right!?
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Antonio won´t kiss me because he thinks I have the bird flu?
Gary: “A” I´m not here to judge anybody. “B” What you did in Asia with birds is your business. And “C” some of my best friends have herpes.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: I don´t have herpes!
Gary: Whatever, look don´t worry. We have a great stand-in and he looks just like Antonio.
(Next to Antonio poses a fat guy practicing sword movements dressed like Zorro, Antonio gets up and introduces the guy)
Antonio Banderas: Everyone, it is my absolute pleasure to introduce to you my cousin/stand-in, Miguelito. Miguelito, this is Catherine.
Miguelito: It is an honor to meet you miss Catherine Zeta “Hones”. (Checks her out)And may I say you have a lovely set of “Hones”!
(Not amused)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Excuse me. Are you talking about my chest?
(Antonio interferes)
Antonio Banderas: Uh-huh, you have trouble understanding the language of amore, miss “Hones”. What he meant to say is you have very lovely “tetas”. (tits)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Oh, gross!
Gary: Hey!, can we please be professional, Catherine?
Catherine Zeta-Jones: What!?
Gary: (mocking) What?! OK, everybody quiet on the set and let´s roll sound!
Antonio Banderas: And I will sit here and stare at you guys make out big time. (Sits next to Gary)
AD: “Legend of Zorro” Scene 48, take one. (Clack!)
Gary: And, Action!
(On set, Catherine and Miguelito back to back)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Mi amor! You did it! You saved California!
Miguelito: No problemo! I did it for you! So we could kiss like 2 giraffes sucking the milk out of a coconut! (Tires to aggressively kiss her, Ms. Zeta Jones pulls back)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Oh, OK cut! That´s not the line! Can we cut?
Antonio Banderas: No,no,no. Perfecto! Great acting, Miguelito! Good, good, good.
Gary: Yeah, Catherine, what´s wrong? That was going great.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: No, it wasn´t! Where did you get this guy, Gary? He´s horrible!
Antonio Banderas: I found him passed out in my jacuzzi.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: I thought you said he was your cousin.
Antonio Banderas: Well, he´s like a cousin to me.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Well, he smells like a corpse.
Antonio Banderas: Don´t worry about that. Miguelito get on top of her and do the tonguey-tonguey thing.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: I am seriously going to throw up.
Miguelito: What a beautiful coincidence, my love! I threw up not 5 minutes ago! (Bows) Word to the wise! Stay away from the fish and bean chalupas. Is…not so good.
Gary: Awesome, awesome. All right, let´s do…what did Fellini called it? “Face intercourse”.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Oh, shut up, Gary!
Gary: You know what? You´re right Catherine. I´m really sorry about this…KISS HER NOW, MIGUELITO!!!
Antonio Banderas: YEAH, KISS HER!!
Gary: GET HER!!
(Miguelito tries once more but Catherine pushes away hard)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: No, you didn´t even say the line!! Please!!
Gary: Ok, all right everyone! That´s lunch. Back in an hour. Fish and bean chalupas are in Miguelito´s trailer. So get those while they´re there. Let´s do that.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 31: Episode 16 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
April 15th, 2006 Lindsay Lohan Pearl Jam None Lorne Michaels John Lutz Liz Cackowski Jorma Taccone The Situation RoomSummary: Wolf Blitzer (Chris Parnell) interviews members of President George W. Bush’s ever-changing cabinet. Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, David Gregory, Norah O’Donnell.
MontageNote: Though credited, Maya Rudolph and Horatio Sanz do not appear in this episode.
Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: Lindsay Lohan tackles past demons with a little help from the Easter Bunny (Kenan Thompson). First Hosted: 03r.
Neutrogena Coin Slot CreamSummary: Moisturizer that soothes the female ass crack. Transcript
Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) continues to mock the dullness of overtattooed co-star, Tiara Zee. (Rachel Dratch), while introducing new hip-hop and house music stars for the MTV-4 audience to eat up. Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, Tiara Zee, DJ Dimitrios, DJ Frontal Assault.
TV FunhouseSummary: In a promo for “Journey to the Disney Vault”, a pair of kids discover the horrors of Walt Disney’s secret passions in life, as well as a plethora of lame cartoon sequels on DVD.
The O’Reilly FactorRecurring Characters: Bill O’Reilly, Newt Gingrich.
Le RendezvousSummary: A group of diners (Lindsay Lohan, Jason Sudeikis, Rachel Dratch, Fred Armisen) express extreme enthusiasm for their exceptionally delicious end-of-meal dessert. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg present Lorne Michaels with their homemade sci-fi video for “Laser Cats!”, in which they run through the hlals of Studio 8-H furing lasers out of cats’ mouthes. Transcript
Pearl Jam performs “World Wide Suicide”First Performed: 91q.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Meteorologist Stormy Windbreaker (Seth Meyers) gives an apocalyptic forecast. Taylor Hicks (Jason Sudeikis). Recurring Characters: Taylor Hicks.
Debbie DownerSummary: Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) joins her friends for a bachelorette party in Las Vegas. Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.
Introverts’ Night OutSummary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte), Jean (Kristen Wiig) and Sally (Lindsay Lohan) finally make it out of the office to indulge in a bar’s social scene, which eventually opens them up to the possibility of a threesome. Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episode hosted by Natalie Portman. Transcript
Pearl Jam performs “Severed Hand”
Turner Classic Movies: Movie ArchivesSummary: Robert Osborne (Darrell Hammond) presents clips from the forgotten Ann-Margaret (Lindsay Lohan) and Liberace (Fred Armisen) musical comedy, “Atlantic City Fever.” Recurring Characters: Robert Osborne, Liberace, Ann-Margret.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Head LiceSummary: Insert live roaches in your hair to get rid of lice.
Monday Morning AssemblySummary: More morning announcements, as re-enacted by the West Bedford High School Drama Club.
CarlSummary: A punk princess (Lindsay Lohan) picks on her stepfather, Carl (Chris Parnell).
The RestaurantSummary: A waiter (Finesse Mitchell) sprays water on diners, while a waitress (Lindsay Lohan) puts her hair in their food.
Tech PackSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who’s having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around.
MortgageSummary: A spokesman (Chris Parnell) talks about getting a mortgage.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg has trouble eating with his obtrusive lobster claws.
[ A cascade of water whirls THROUGHOUT the screen and stops. Two girls, LINSDAY LOHAN & KRISTEN WIIG, dance onto the center. Bumping and grinding. Lindsay faces the camera. ]
Girl #1: There’s hand moisturizer for your hands.
[ Lindsay shows both her palms. Both resume dancing. ]
Girl #2: And face moisturizer for your face.
[ Kristen makes a goofy face. The girls continue to bump. ]
Girl #1: What about moisturizer for your coin slot?
[ A finger points to Lindsay’s butt crack. Her face turns serious. ]
Girl #2: With today’s low-cut fashions, your coin slot is exposed to both sun and wind.
Girl #1: That can leave your slot dry and flaky.
[ An ANIMATED rendering of a rear end displays damages of UV rays. ]
Girl #1: Introducing new “Coin Slot Creme” by Neutrogena.
[ Lindsay holds a bottle of the product w/Kristen by her side. An EXTREME CLOSE-UP of the product displays itself with water splashes around it. ]
Girl #2: A cleansing lotion designed especially for your coin slot.
[ Kristen points to her butt crack. ]
[ Another ANIMATED rendering shows a drop of “Coin Slot Creme” removing the effects of harmul UV rays to the coin slot. ]
Announcer: Neutrogena’s “Coin Slot” hydrates and replenishes while moving unwanted dirt and oil. Leaving your skin smooth and silky.
Girl #1: Peace out, coin slot dryness!
Girl #2: “Coin Slot Creme” should not be used on your arms…
Girl #1: Legs…
Girl #2: Face…
Girl #1: Shoulders…
Girl #2: Or upper back.
Girl #1: So don’t go there!
[ The girls return to bumping and grinding. ]
Announcer: “Coin Slot Creme” by Neutrogena.
Both: Kick coin slot dryness to the curb!
[ Both women perform a high-kick. ]
[ A SUPERIMPOSED image of the logo remains front and center on-screen. ]
Air Date:
Summary: Wolf Blitzer (Chris Parnell) interviews members of President George W. Bush’s ever-changing cabinet.
Summary: Lindsay Lohan tackles past demons with a little help from the Easter Bunny (Kenan Thompson).
Summary: Moisturizer that soothes the female ass crack.
Summary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) continues to mock the dullness of overtattooed co-star, Tiara Zee. (Rachel Dratch), while introducing new hip-hop and house music stars for the MTV-4 audience to eat up.
Summary: In a promo for “Journey to the Disney Vault”, a pair of kids discover the horrors of Walt Disney’s secret passions in life, as well as a plethora of lame cartoon sequels on DVD.
Recurring Characters: Bill O’Reilly, Newt Gingrich.
Summary: A group of diners (Lindsay Lohan, Jason Sudeikis, Rachel Dratch, Fred Armisen) express extreme enthusiasm for their exceptionally delicious end-of-meal dessert.
Summary: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg present Lorne Michaels with their homemade sci-fi video for “Laser Cats!”, in which they run through the hlals of Studio 8-H furing lasers out of cats’ mouthes.
First Performed: 
Summary: Meteorologist Stormy Windbreaker (Seth Meyers) gives an apocalyptic forecast. Taylor Hicks (Jason Sudeikis).
Summary: Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) joins her friends for a bachelorette party in Las Vegas.
Summary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte), Jean (Kristen Wiig) and Sally (Lindsay Lohan) finally make it out of the office to indulge in a bar’s social scene, which eventually opens them up to the possibility of a threesome.
Summary: Robert Osborne (Darrell Hammond) presents clips from the forgotten Ann-Margaret (Lindsay Lohan) and Liberace (Fred Armisen) musical comedy, “Atlantic City Fever.”