(A music video done in stop-motion animation to a “Phil Spector Christmas” style song. A caricature of Darlene Love [the singer] is shown sitting atop a Christmas tree with two children, narrating … )
Darlene Love: (speaking) “On Christmas Eve the Gentiles gather ‘Round the Christmas tree They stay at home and party with Their Goyishe family They disappear one day each year And pass the egg nog ’round But it’s all right, ’cause that’s the night The Jews control the town.”
(cue the song — the activity corresponds to the lyrics)
[ singing ] “Well it happens every year on Christmas Eve All the happy Christian people take their leave Yeah, the streets are deserted, and that’s big news It’s Christmastime for the Jews.
Yeah, the holiday party starts ’bout 6 PM Ain’t nobody recreating Bethlehem Yeah, the Three Wise Men, that’s a big ol’ snooze Christmastime for the Jews.”
(a crowd changes a front-yard scene of the Three Wise Men to the cast of Seinfeld)
“They can finally see King Kong without waiting in line They can eat in Chinatown and drink their sweet-ass wine They can crank Barbara Streisand on the streets they cruise Christmastime for the Jews.”
(their cars bounce up and down)
“They can gang up on the Quakers, Play for the Lakers, They can do what they wanna, Even blow off Madonna Get a chance to drive a tractor, Win on Fear Factor, See Fiddler on the Roof with actual Jewish actors …
Now they really get the party going after dark Circumcising grateful squirrels in the city park Picking fights in the bar knowing they can’t lose Christmastime for the Jews.”
(tempo slows down)
“Now it’s nearly 10:30, yes it’s time for bed “Daily Show” reruns dancing in their head.”
(back to Darlene and the kids on the tree as the camera slowly zooms out)
“Maybe next year they’ll learn to hold their booze.”
(tempo resumes)
“Christmastime for the Jews Christmastime for the Jews (Don’t ya see now …) Christmastime for the Jews.”
[ return from the final commercial break to Jack Black and the cast standing on the ice skating rink in front of 30 Rockefeller Plaza ]
Jack Black: [ laughing as he yells at someone offscreen ] Well, don’t hurt yourself!
[ notices the shows back from commercial ]
Hey! Thanks to Neil Young!
[ cut Neil Young and his band waving to the audience in Studio 8-H, as fake snow begins to fall on them ]
[ cut back to Jack and company on the ice ]
Jack Black: Johnny Knoxville! Tracy Morgan! And my main man, Kyle Gass! [ Kyle skates into frame to blaance himself next to Jack ] My parents, all four of you guys – I love you. Happy Haukkah! [ almost as an afterthought ] And a Merry Christmas.
[ Jack and the group begin to skate around the rink, interspersed with cutaways to Neil Young and his band waving at the audience in Studio 8-H ]
Jack Black: Thank you! Thank you very much! You guys, oh my God. Well, listen – I don’t know if you know, I’m in a little movie called “King Kong.” [ audience cheers ] You know, it was a loy of fun making it, but here’s the thing. I had an idea for a song, and I figured, you know, Will Smith wrote a song for his movie – “Hitch” – and Eminem did a song for “8 Mile”, so why shouldn’t I give it a shot? So I recorded the “King Kong Jam”, and I gave it to Peter Jackson and I said, you know, “It’s nothing. Just listen to it, I wrote it on a lark, you might get a laugh out of it.” But, secretly.. I was hoping, you know, he would say, “Wait a minute. This is really good. I’m gonna put this in the movie.”
So, you know, I gave it to him, and I heard nothing from him. They didn’t put it in the movie. But, you know what? I heard the song, and I think it’s pretty damn good. Uh.. let’s do this thing!
[ the house band begins to play behind Jack Black ]
Jack Black: [ singing ] “KOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG-ah!!!!!
There’s a little place I know Where a bunch of funky people live. They were looking for a sacrifice One that they had to give.
To King Kong. Where did he go wrong? King Kong. That’s why I wrote this song King Kong. They took him to a world Where he don’t belong.
Had to find a lady to give to Kong To keep that chunky monkey tame. He fell in love with Naomi Watts’ character I forget her name.Okay, I have to admit I didn’t read the script ‘Cause I find that it gets in the way. Of my acting pro-cess which I’ve carefully honed And also I don’t know how to read.
King Kong Pass the Grey Poupon King Kong Fighting the Viet Kong King Kong Everybody bang a gong ‘Cause he don’t belong.”
[ the band slows down for a minute ]
Jack Black: Alright, this is where the song gets really personal, so listen up.
[ the band pop right back into action again ]
Jack Black: [ singing ] “I show up to the set at a quarter to noon And then I pretend to get a nasty cramp. So I can go back to my sweet-ass trailer And take myself a tasty nap. Then the director dude come and pound on my door And say, “Jack this has got to STOP!” But then the next day I had my sweet revenge By urinating in his coffee pot.
On the set of King Kong Wears a massive thong King Kong He got it going on King Kong Jack Black wrote this song So do yourself a favor Please clap along Everybody now Clap with me But do not sing The singing’s my job You’ll only mess up the song, trust me.
1, 2, 3 – King Kong! Opening in Hong Kong King Kong He listens to Cheech and Chong King Kong This is his theme song He’s a crazy old gorilla And he guarantee a thrilla’ And once you see the movie You’ll be feeling pretty groovy And a rooby dooby da ba do ba ba bo oh KING KONG!”
[ audience cheers ]
Jack Black: That’s the song. They didn’t want it in the movie, I don’t know why.
We’ve got a great show – Neil Young is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.
Neil Young: [ singing ] “The last time I saw Elvis He was shooting at a colour TV The phones were ringing in the pink motel And the rest is history He was the King.
The last time I saw Elvis He was singing a gospel song You could tell that he had the feeling And the whole world sang along He was the King (He was the King).
The last time I saw Elvis He was up on the silver screen Pushing a plough in a black-and-white movie And everybody started to scream Yes, he was the King (He was the King).
The last time I saw Elvis It was some kind of Vegas dream Spotlights flashed on a sequined cape And a blue-haired lady screamed He was the King.
[ break ]
The last time I saw Elvis He was fronting a three-piece band Rocking on the back of a flatbed truck With an old guitar in his hand He was the King (He was the King).
Hey!
[ break ]
The last time I saw Elvis He was riding in a pink Cadillac Wind was blowing through his hair And he never did look back He was the King (He was the King).
The last time I saw Elvis, hey!
[ spoken ] Thank you very much
The last time I saw Elvis He was singing that gospel song You could tell that he had the feeling And the whole world sang along He was the King (He was the King).
Percy…..Darrell Hammond Netti…..Amy Poheler Receptionist…..Seth Meyers Druggy Son…..Neil Young Otis Peaks…..Jason Sudeikis Tiny Nations…..Bill Hader Tyler…..Chris Parnell Sandy Joey Juggerson…..Jack Black Johnny Knoxville…..Johnny Knoxville
(banjo music starts playing)
Announcer: and now another episode of Appalachian Emergency Room Christmastime.
(setting takes place in the hospital waiting room)
Receptionist: Percy and Netti Bo Dance
(banjo music starts playing)
(Percy and Netti get out of their chairs and walk up to the receptionist)
Percy: Well, since it’s Christmas Eve we were doin’ like we always do – puttin twinkle lightson all the wheelchais in our backyard.
Netti: Yeah, wheelchairs is better than lawnchairs cause they got wheels on ’em.
Percy: I was drillin’ a hole in an electric outlet so I could fit a electric pronger in there and don’t you know I slipped on our baby pool.
Netti: Yeah, our baby pool always freeze over around Christmastime.
Percy: Turns out it asn’t a baby pool that was froze over, it was the satellite dish we keep down in that baby pool.
Netti: You Know, I keep tellin’ our druggy son to take the satellite dish to his house but he don’t have a hause.
Percy: Well, that’s none of their business. Anyway, long story long, I got electrocuted and I smell like burnt popcorn.
Receptionist: Room 2
(Percy and Netti’s druggy son walks into the waiting room holding a big gulp)
Druggy son: Hey ma, could you try and score me some of those prescription pads.
Netti: You got it
Percy: That’s our Druggy son
(the druggy son walks out of the waiting room)
Netti: Yeah, he’s our druggy son and I tell you what i gonna steal, I’m gonna steal one of them kidney – shaped spit- up dishes so I could put my christmas nuts in it
(Percy and Netti leave the waiting room and went to room 2)
Receptionist: Otis Peaks and Tiny Nations
(Otis and Tiny walk into the waiting room, Otis is wearing a santa hat and Tiny has a jart shoved through his hand)
Otis: All right now. How you doing? Here’s this. My cousin and me right here we was throwing jarts at each other cause the ring you throw en into was stuck up on the roof.
Tiny: Yeah here’s the thing I was running away from a jart that was coming at me and I woul have outrun it, but I crashed in my ferret condo I was building with my new wife’s ex-husband.
Receptionist: Now are you feeling any pain in your hand?
Tiny: No, this here’s a prosthetic hand I carved out of some foam rubber.
Otis: Uh-huh. That’s right bur here’s this (Otis takes his santa hat off to show the receptionist the jart shoved right threw his head)
Tiny: That there’s a jart.
Otis: There’s a jart up there, right there there you are, right in this general area over here somewhere
Tiny: That area right there
Otis: Right here
Receptionist: Yeah that’s room 4
Otis: Room 4 all right we got it
(Otis and Tiny walk out of the waiting room and head to room 4)
(Tyler walks into the waiting room holding a watermelon with a red bow on it)
Receptionist: Oh Tyler you got me a gift now that is sweet of you.
Tyler: It was sweet and then – hold on
(Tyler lets go of the watermelonbut it’s stuck on to his groin)
Tyler: Give me a second while I think this over.
Receptionist: You take your time Tyler take your time.
(Tyler thinks)
Tyler: Okay I got it
(Tyler grabs the watermelon)
Tyler: I was wrestling this watermelon in the snow and my wife was playing with a mousetrap on the front porch. Well, that trap went off and it startled me so much that my belt undid, my pants flew off, and then I slipped groin – forward onto this here watermelon. You can have it if you can get it off.
Receptionist: No that’s okay Tyler you go ahead and keep it it’s better to give than receive
Tyler: That’s good ’cause I sure gave it to this watermelon.
(Tyler leaves the waiting room and goes to another room)
Receptionist: That’s inappropriate Tyler. It’s an inapropriate thing to say.
Receptionist: Sandy Joey Juggerson
(Sandy walks into the aiting room dressed as a shepherd)
Sandy: Okay everybody, listen up. Here’s the timeline as follows, we was doin’ a profesional live nativity scene over by the lake’s picnic area. And since no one showed up. The girl who was playing Mary and I found ourselves ingesting a lot of bers. Now I;m not gonna lie to you, I was and I still am highly intoxicated. Now you stay with me. Now what happens when you’ve doin’ a live nativity that no one shows up to ? Correct – turns into a fartin’ contest. The good news – I won. The bad news – I think I pushed a good deal of my pooty pucker out, and it went and ripped. I’m your medical ball of clay. Mold me.
Receptionist: Room 10
Sandy: Now can you ensure that nobody steals that baby Jesus off the back of my bike? That there’s a cabbagepatch collectible
(Sandy leaves the waiting room and goes to Room 10)
Receptionist: Mr. Johnny Knoxville
(Johnny walks into the waiting room with a piece of wood shoved in the middle of his pants)
Johnny: Hey, How you doing man? I got a little situation, I kinda on purpose nailed this two – by – four to my ABC.
Receptionist: What’s an ABC?
Johnny: My ass-ball connection. Anyway, that’s two weeks ago andit’s really startin’ to smart, so…
Receptionist: OK you want to go straight down to the ICU—
Johnny: Oh I know where it is.
(Johnny leaves the waiting room and goes to the other room)
Announcer: We’ll be right back with more Appalachian emergency room Christmastime.
Man: Ah! Come over here! Over here! Mee-mah, jackpot! We got a table!
[Mee-mah, an elderly woman, approaches with a large shopping bag, and she sits with the man as they put down paper plates]
Mee-mah: Oh, jackpot! Woo, the holidays! I didn’t think we’d be able to get a table; it’s so crowded. You think there’s enough room for all of us?
Man: Totally. Man, I need this pizza. We’ve been walking around for hours in the cold.
Mee-mah: Oh, all this Christmas shopping. I’m just so tired.
[a bell rings, the door opens, and a powerful wind sweeps through the restaurant, blowing away one of their paper plates]
Mee-mah: Should we move? The wind is just ripping through that front door there.
[they set to righting things on the table]
Man: I don’t think there’s anywhere to move to. Don’t worry. It’s not that bad.
[Mee-mah stands to retrieve her shopping bag, which has also blown a ways away]
Woman: [approaches with a baby stroller] Oh, honey, great, you got a seat. Oh, and there’s room for the stroller. This is so great. It’s so busy in here. [sits] Oh, I am exhausted.
[the bell signals the opening door, and the wind blows more powerfully than before, bowling everyone over slightly]
Woman: The baby! The baby! Close the door! Close it! [wind stops] Woo! Oh, oh, my God! Should we sit somewhere else?
Man: No, there’s nowhere else. It’s okay. The door’s closed and it’ll just, you know, we’ll weigh everything down. That’s how you do it. [places napkin holder on a paper plate]
Mee-mah: So, what do you guys want to do next?
Woman: You know, I wouldn’t mind looking at the tree again.
[man stands to get some more paper plates, which he places on the table]
Man: I’d like to go ice skating if we can get a reservation.
[the bell signals the opening door, and the wind blows even powerfully than before, sending scraps of newspaper and other debris flying about]
Woman: Oh, no! Aaaaah!
Mee-mah: Goodness gracious! Get the door! I can’t get out of my seat!
[the man stands and pushes the door closed]
Man: That’s right!
Woman: Oo-ee!
Mee-mah: I could not get out of my seat!
Woman: That wind is something. It is something.
Mee-mah: You know what? It’s brisk, is what it is.
Woman: It sure is.
Man: It’s beyond brisk.
[some other customers stand]
Woman: That wind is–
Man: Oh, look! They’re getting up over there.
Woman: Oh, oh, honey, go grab that table. Grab the table!
[as the man gets up to get the table, a second man rushes over and sits at it]
Man: Excuse me, we saw this table first.
Homeless Man: [hisses]
Man: [backing away] I see.
Woman: Okay, I guess we’re not moving tables.
Man: [sits back down] It’s okay. It’s not so bad. Oh, look. It’s snowing. It’s beautiful.
Mee-mah: You know, snow reminds me of the Christmas you were born.
Woman: Oh!
Mee-mah: Your grandfather was still alive.
Woman: Oh, man.
Mee-mah: Yes, he would have really enjoyed–
[the bell signals the opening door, and the wind blows as powerfully as before, sending drifts of snow blowing through the restaurant]
Woman: Oh, no!
Mee-mah: Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch!
[wind stops]
Woman: Oh, God!
Man: Is everyone okay?!
Woman: Oh! Oh! As soon as we get this pizza, let’s go!
Waiter: [arriving with pizza on a tray] All right, here we go, folks, here we go. Wow, you guys are brave sitting over here by this door.
Mee-mah: Yeah, it’s a little breezy, yeah.
Waiter: Uh-oh, everybody brace yourselves!
Woman: What?
Man: Oh, no!
[the bell signals the opening door, and the wind blows still more powerfully than before, sending first all of the napkins flying, and then the woman’s scarf, and finally the pizza tray up into the waiter’s face as he falls back and away, before finally stopping]
Woman: Where did our server go?
Man: I think the wind took him.
Mee-mah: This damn, damn wind!
Waiter: [returns] Woo! Uh, sorry about that. Here’s your pizza. [places badly mangled pizza on the table] Yeah, I apologize for the face print. You know, I’m going to the doctor now. [limps away]
Man: God, get me a slice.
Woman: God, honey, okay, here you go. Here you go, sweety. [hands him a slice]
Man: Let’s eat this before the portal to Hoth opens again. [he takes a bite]
Mee-mah: Uh-oh, there’s someone at the door.
[a potential customer stands at the door, looking uncertainly at the menu]
Man: No! Uh-uh! No way! This is not happening again.
[the man stands and rushes to the door, holding it closed, while the customer tries to push it open and is ultimately successful after about ten seconds]
[the bell rings and the wind blows yet more powerfully than before, blowing off the customer’s toupee and sending Mee-mah flying up into the air, while the man and woman succeed in briefly keeping her just above the table but ultimately lose their grip, allowing her to fly completely out of sight]
Man: [struggles to door and finally closes it] I got it! I got the door!
Woman: Oh, Mee-mah!
Man: Mee-mah!
Woman: Mee-mah!
Man: Mee-mah, are you okay?!
Mee-mah: [struggles across the floor and finally into her chair] I’m all right! I’m all right!
Man: Are we all here? Thank God we’re safe! Let’s leave this wretched Sbarro before the wind from this door rips us apart!
Woman: Come on, Mee-mah, let’s go.
Man: Let’s go, Mee-mah.
[the man and woman open the door]
Woman: Woo!
[Mee-mah follows after taking a quick bite of pizza]
[dissolve to exterior, where tiny action figure versions of the characters are blown completely away, and the Sbarro sign is blown off the building as well]
[open on interior of photo studio, with all four members of the Channel 5 News Team standing and laughing]
Marcus: [enters with camera around his neck] Okay, all right! Channel 5 News Team! How ya feeling, huh? All right, it’s photo shoot time. All right, now, I want you to remember: this picture is going to be everywhere. We’re talking buses, trains, billboards, the whole deal. All right, so we want to be professional, but also a little fun, okay? All right, now let’s take a look at some of your past photos up here on the monitor over here, all right? [dissolve to photo of the news team with their arms crossed, smiling and laughing] All right, now, that one, arms playfully crossed. That was good. [dissolve to studio] That was a good time. All right, here’s the year before that. [dissolve to photo of the news team with everyone frozen in the middle of jumping] Let’s take a look at that. Look at that! You’re all jumping, huh. Jumping. [dissolve to studio] That was fantastic. That was a good one. All right, but guys, this year we’re going to try something a little different, all right? Bear with me here. Pointing.
Anchorwoman: Pointing?
Marcus: Yeah.
Topper: Uh, isn’t that considered rude?
Chet: You mean pointing at the camera?
Marcus: No, no, no, I mean pointing…at each other. [appreciative ooh’s from the news team] Yeah, all right. All right, so here’s the deal. This is how it’s going to go down, all right. I’m going to play your Channel 5 News Team theme, all right? And then you’re going to walk around the space to the beat, feel the groove. And when I say “point,” you’re going to point.
Anchorwoman: Okay.
Chet: [points at Marcus] At each other.
Marcus: Yes!
Chet: Okay.
Marcus: All right, here we go, gang! Woo! Here we go, energy! Get ready! [newsroom theme music starts, and news team members start walking around] Walk out! Yes! Right! There you go. Channel 5, that’s right! Get ready! And…point! [J. J. and anchorwoman are close together, pointing at each other, and Topper is between them, pointing at J. J., but Chet is further away, also pointing at J. J.] Nice! Very good! [Chet looks slightly offput] All right. Keep it going. Keep it going, now. Let me feel it. There you go. All right. [anchorwoman does a few little dance moves] Cocky, I love it! All right, ready, and…point! [J. J. and anchorwoman point at each other again, with Topper close to them, pointing at anchorwoman, while Chet is again further away, pointing at anchorwoman] Nice! All right, keep it going.
Chet: Hey, guys? I don’t think anyone’s pointed at me yet, so, just, FYI.
Marcus: All right, get ready. Here we go. And…point! [Topper and Chet point at J. J., who points at Topper, while anchorwoman squats and reaches completely across Chet to point at J. J.] That’s super! Looks fun, yet professional.
Chet: Uh, Marcus?
Marcus: Yeah?
[music stops]
Chet: I don’t know whether it matters, but just from my perspective over here, the points seem to be, I don’t know, kind of unevenly distributed.
Marcus: Right, right, okay, well, now, Chet, we’re going to be taking a lot of shots today, okay, so just don’t worry about it. Okay, thanks, buddy. All right, hey, I got an idea! Let’s just, uh, let’s go nutso-pants here, all right? Let’s have some crazy fun points. Do whatever you want, all right? Cue the music. [music starts] All right, here we go. Really cut loose. Anything you want. Do anything. All right, ready, and…point! [anchorwoman points off and away to her left, J. J. points upwards with both fingers and Topper upwards with one, while Chet swings his arms and points both fingers at anchorwoman] No, no-no-no-no-no, stop, stop, stop, no-no-no. [music stops] Chet, except the Z Z Top point, all right, buddy? No Z Z Top.
Chet: Okay.
Topper: Yeah, what are we, the Channel 7 News Team? [anchorwoman and J. J. laugh]
Marcus: Ah, good energy, gang. I love it. Here we go. All right, let’s crank it up a notch, guys. Here we go. [music starts] All right. Hey! Let’s couple up. Couple up. Uh, J. J. and Chet, go back to back for us.
Chet: Oh, that’s a great idea. Couple up! We’ll couple up.
[J. J. and Chet stand back to back, as do anchorwoman and Topper]
Marcus: All right, ready, and…point! [anchorwoman and Topper point over their shoulders at each other, and Chet points at J. J. in similar fashion, but J. J. points forwards towards Topper] Nice! Nice!
Chet: Uh, Marcus?
[music stops]
Marcus: Yeah?
Chet: J. J. was my pointing partner, and he didn’t point at me.
Marcus: Okay, yeah, Chet, you know, you just want to relax, all right? Keep it natural, because someone’s going to point at you, all right?
Chet: Okay, sure, got it.
Marcus: All right, here we go, let’s do it. [music starts] Ready, and…point!
[J. J. and Topper point at each other, but Chet leaps in front of Topper’ finger and stabs himself in the eye]
Chet: My eye! Ow!
Anchorwoman: Chet, what is the problem?
Chet: Topper poked me in the eye!
Topper: Well, you jumped in front of my finger at the very last second.
Chet: Okay, well, if no one’s going to point at me, I’ve got to aim myself at someone’s finger. I’m just trying to get some finger loving up in here.
J.J.: All right, well, how about on this next one, let’s all point at Chet.
Topper: Mmm-hmmm.
Anchorwoman: Great, fine.
[music starts]
Marcus: Ready, and…point!
[J. J., Topper, and anchorwoman all point at Chet with disgusted, angry looks on their faces, and Tooper has pointed with a downwards thumb, while Chet gives a thumbs-up gesture towards J. J. and Topper]
Topper: Happy now?
[music stops]
Chet: No, ’cause that’s sarcastic pointing. They’re not going to use that photo. And, Topper, that was not a point. That was a thumbs-down. Am I the only one who’s seeing this?
Anchorwoman: Chet, Chet, will you calm down?
Topper: God, it’s just lose-lose with you, Chet.
Marcus: Hey, hey, hey, news team! What the heck’s going on with you guys, all right? Now I’m seeing a lot of finger-pointing, but not the fun, professional kind. All right, let’s have some fun!
Chet: Well, no one’s pointing at me, and I think they’re doing it on purpose.
J.J.: Hey, you know what, for the last time, Chet, it’s random!
Topper: Okay, well, I have to be honest. At first, it was random for me, until Chet starting acting like a jackass. Then I quit pointing at him out of spite.
Anchorwoman: Yeah, me, too.
Chet: Yeah, see, I knew it. I knew it.
Marcus: Hey, hey, hey, news team! News team! Let’s get it together, all right? Come on! Now, I know the energy right now’s a little strained, okay, but I have a feeling that this next one might be the one, all right? So for the love of God, point, news team! Point!
[music starts]
Chet: Yeah, I can feel the love.
Marcus: There you go, strut it out, Chet.
Chet: Chet’s in the mix.
Marcus: I love it, here we go, ready, and…point! [anchorwoman and Chet point at each other, Topper points at J. J., and J. J. points at Chet] That’s it! Congratulations, team, we got it! That’s the one!
[music stops]
Chet: You guys, I’m sorry about the ‘tude before.
Topper: Hey, forget it.
Chet: I love you guys!
Topper: Right back at you, Chet!
Anchorwoman: Aw, we love you, too, buddy.
[anchorwoman, Topper, and J. J. point playfully at Chet, then a camera flashes and dissolve to the final poster, with anchorwoman pointing at J. J. and Topper on either side of her, and both of them pointing at her, with Chet’s hand pointing towards J. J. from much further away, with his face and body out of the shot, and title: “WIIX Channel 5”]
(Opens on shot of outer space, space music plays andthe announcer words scroll up the screen)
Announcer: In the year 2148 an epic battle betweenaliens and humans raged in space. During this war 2ships collided leaving 2 warriors, one from each side,stranded on a deserted moon. This is their story…
(Glirk the alien is green, 3 fingers on each hand, 2antennas and has a slow speech pattern. Steve is abearded astronaut fixing some piece of his spaceshipwith a screwdriver. They sit on a crater of the moon)
Glirk: Hey, Steve?
Steve: Yeah, Glirk.
Glirk: So, I know it’s been a while since our shipscrashed into each other during the space war betweenour races…
Steve: Yeah?
Glirk: And I know we’ve been stranded in this moonwith no one but each other to be friends with for along time now…
Steve: Right.
Glirk: Aaand odds are no one is going to find us outhere…
Steve: Sure.
Glirk: And it would be just me and you until we die…
Steve: What’s your point, Glirk?
Glirk: Well, in light of all that I think there’ssomething maybe you should know.
Steve: OK, shoot.
Glirk: Oh gosh! How do I put this? I have both maleand female genitalia. Soooo, just something to thinkabout.
(Shot of the green moon, space music. Caption: OneWeek Later…)
Glirk: Oh, hey Steve! How is it going? (Steve is fixinga panel of the spaceship)
Steve: Fine.
Glirk: That’s cool. So, have you thought at all aboutthat thing I brought up like about a week ago?
Steve: It’s not gonna happen, Glirk.
Glirk: Right. Cool. Totally cool.
(Shot of the green moon, space music. Caption: One Day Later…)
(Steve and Glirk are playing spin the bottle, Glirk spins it and intentionally points it at Steve)
Glirk: Oh! Your turn! Truth or dare?
Steve: Truth.
Glirk: Ok, ummm if you had to hook up with someone on this moon. Who would it be and why?
Steve: Good night, Glirk. (Steve leaves)
Glirk: What? It’s just a game!
(Shot of the green moon, space music. Caption: One Hour Later…)
Glirk: Guess whooo? (Glirk holds a test tube with greenliquid in it. Drunk.)
Steve: Hey, Glirk. (Steve uses a wrench on piece of spaceship)
Glirk: Oh, man! I am tipsy on this space wine. Ifsomebody wanted to take advantage of me right now,they totally could.
Steve: Nice try.
Glirk: Whatever that means! By the way I got us tickets.
Steve: Tickets to what?
Glirk: Tickets to the male and female genitalia show!
Steve: Yeah, I’ll pass.
Glirk: Sorry, this tickets are non-refundable. (Glirk opens up his suit and flashes Steve)
Steve: Oh, God! (Glirk’s crotch emanates an intense bright green light)
Glirk: One of these is a virgin. Guess which one?
Steve: I think I’m gonna be sick! (Steve goes off to vomit)
Glirk: Space wine! (Laughs drunkenly)
(Shot of green moon, space music. Caption: Five Minutes Later…)
Glirk: Hey, Steve! What’s up, bro’.
Steve: Nothing, Glirk.(Steve is fixing spaceship)
Glirk: Oh, that’s cool. I just had sex with myself. What are you doing?
Steve: I’m fixing my spaceship so i can go home to my wife and kids!
Glirk: Aaahh, I never did understand why you wasteyour time on this old hunk of junk. I mean you got me!I’m flesh and blurve. I love you Steve! And you knowwhat? I’m all you’ve got!(Hits the cockpit canopy andbreaks it, engine revs)
Steve: You did it! You broke it but you also fixedit!! You fixed it!!(Freeze frame of them hugging eachother)
Steve V/O: I had sex with Glirk that night. Itwas surprisingly enjoyable. Although, after we weredone my balls turned black and fell off. They floatedoff into space and I never saw them again. Although,legend has it if you look up at the sky on a clearnight, you can still see them up there. Winking atyou.
…..Tina Fey …..Amy Poehler Joseph Lepani…..Kenan Thompson Charles Lepani…..Tracy Morgan
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey and here are tonight’s top stories.
Iraq successfully held country-wide elections on Thursday, and though the results have yet to be tabulated, the leading vote-getters were Ayad Allawi, Ahmad Chalabi, Adel Abdul Mahdi, and Baba Booey. [adlibs] Ah, dammit, they tricked me!
It was reported this week that in 2002 President Bush authorized the National Security Agency to eavesdrop domestically without needing a court warrant. It was part of a secret government project called “Operation Mr. Furley.”
Amy Poehler: Quick reminder – there are just seven more shopping days till holiday.
In an interview with NBC News President Bush said that he does not live in a bubble and that he is well aware of what’s going on outside the White House. He then stepped outside the White House and exclaimed, “Oh my God, what the hell’s goin’ on out here!”
New Jersey officials said that 297 black bears were killed during a New Jersey sanctioned hunt to thin their numbers. While another 37 bears had their knee caps broken and were told to [in New Jersey accent] “keep their stupid mouths shut!”
Tina Fey: Ancient tools found in Britain show that humans lived in Northern Europe 200,000 years earlier than previously thought. Findings that will no doubt be challenged by these ancient tools. [two government officials pictured, applause]. Oh no, don’t clap for it, please.
Hundreds of thousands of Gulf Coast families hoping to rebuild their homes by using low-interest government loans are facing high rejection rates and wide-spread delays. Said President Bush: “The what and the who? What? Huh?”
Amy Poehler: The highly anticipated film King Kong opened on Wednesday. The movie follows a film crew to the shores of Skull Island, where they encounter King Kong, a 25-foot giant ape. Now, here to comment on the film are co-heads of the Skull Island Tourism Bureau, Joseph and Charles Lepani.
[pan to the Lepanis]
Joseph Lepani: [in a Caribbean accent] Yes, yes. Thank you very much. Thank you, Amy Poehler. For as long as we can remember, the tourism industry of Skull Island has been fighting the image that we are an island of evil and terrors.
Charles Lepani: LIES!
Joseph Lepani: How dare anyone depict our island as being overrun with dinosaurs and giant apes? I mean, dinosaurs? You know, you could spend a week in Skull Island and at most, you would see two or three dinosaurs.
Amy Poehler: Wow, so- so there are dinosaurs on your island?
Charles Lepani: YES!
Joseph Lepani: And there are also giant apes, too. But come on, 25 feet tall? On his tip toes, our tallest ape is barely 20 feet tall.
Amy Poehler: Oh, I don’t know, that sounds still pretty big.
Charles Lepani: Silence, Amy Poehler.
Joseph Lepani: Just because Skull Island has thousands of dinosaurs and giant apes, does not mean that we don’t have beautiful museums.
Amy Poehler: Oh, so you have beautiful museums?
Joseph Lepani: No, we have no museums.
Charles Lepani: We have giant bugs that will EAT YOU ALIVE! ALIVE!
Amy Poehler: Okay, well-
[Charles Lepani does a motion with his arms to indicate jaws]
Charles Lepani: GABOOGAH!
Amy Poehler: Oh! Boy, I- I don’t know if I would like Skull Island., I’ll tell you that much.
Joseph Lepani: I’m sorry, Amy, but I must correct you. The pronunciation is “Scool” Island.
Amy Poehler: Oh, so it’s not the English word “skull”?
Joseph Lepani: No, it’s a tribal word.
Amy Poehler: Oh, what does it mean?
Joseph Lepani: Head bones.
Amy Poehler: That sounds like the same thing…
Charles Lepani: Ah, woman! No wonder we sacrifice you!
Tina Fey: You sacrifice women?
Joseph Lepani: Yes, but you have nothing to worry about, Tina Fey. We only sacrifice blonde women.
Amy Poehler: Woooh, yeah! Score another one for the blondes, yo!
Joseph Lepani: Please remember, our hearts and our culture are as big as our murderous scorpions, which I assure you, are larger than you can imagine. Thank you.
Amy Poehler: Joseph and- Tracy Morgan, everyone! Thank you, Joseph and Tracy Morgan.
Tina Fey: Joseph Lepani, Tracy Morgan.
Ashlee Simpson collapsed after a performance in Tokyo Thursday. Simpson spent Friday in the hospital while her show that night went on as scheduled without her.
Amy Poehler: A 37-year-old woman who is seven months pregnant by a 15-year-old boy said this week that she preferred older men, but the teenager aggressively wooed her. Hey, who wouldn’t succumb to that, am I right Tina?
Tina Fey: Ah yeah, you know it. 15-year-old boys, so charming with their oily skin and their unflossed teeth…
Amy Poehler: Ooh, their hairless bodies reeking of day-old sweat and Doritos…
Tina Fey: Their aggressive, saliva-filled French kisses…
Amy Poehler: Their dirty fingers, their chapped lips…
Tina Fey: And of course, the sexy, sexy skid-marked underpants.
Amy Poehler: Irresistible. Absolutely irresistible. I get it, I get it.
[they pause to look meaningly into the camera]
Amy Poehler: A new report shows that ten percent of drivers like to talk on their cell phones while crashing.
According to Billboard Magazine, U2’s Vertigo tour, which grossed more than 260 million dollars, was the years top tour. Lowest grossing tour? “The Egg Council presents Monsters of Harpsichord.”
Tina Fey: New York City officials said Tuesday that they had identified two new cases in which infants were infected with herpes during a circumcision ritual in which the practitioner, or moyle, sucks the blood from the circumcision to clean the wound. Added the officials, “Now if you excuse us, were going to barf forever.”
Amy Poehler: A city in Brazil has passed a bill that will require night clubs, shopping malls, movie theatres and large restaurant to provide a third type of bathroom for transvestites. Though the bill is not as controversial as the new restroom symbol. [pictured: a female bathroom logo with testicles]
For “Weekend Update”, I’m Amy Poehler!
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
