Category: 2005

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 14th, 2006

Scarlett Johansson

Death Cab For Cutie

None

None

Jorma Taccone
The 700 GangSummary: An excerpt from tonight’s cartoon by Robert Smigel shows Pat Robertson espouse his hateful fanatical ideals onto children.

Note: This excerpt was inserted as the cold opening after the “Hardball” parody performed during dress rehearsal was cut at the last minute.

MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s still absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Note: Darrell Hammond is credited even though he doesn’t appear in the live episode. He starred in two sketches that were cut from dress rehearsal for as-yet undisclosed reasons.

Scarlett Johansson’s MonologueSummary: Scarlett Johansson and Amy Poehler sing about being big movie stars.

Bio: Scarlett Johansson (1984-). Actress; co-starred with Bill Murray in “Lost in Translation”; recently starred in the Woody Allen-directed film “Match Point” with Jonathan Rhys-Meyers.

Also Hosted: 06r.

Cameos: 05j.

Taco TownSummary: The world’s largest taco is stuffed to the max with one unhealthy layer after another.

Note: Repeat from 10/08/05.

Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) continues to mock the dullness of overtattooed co-star, Tiara Zee (Rachel Dratch), while introducing new hip-hop and house music stars for the MTV-4 audience to eat up.

Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, Tiara Zee.

Transcript

SmorgasbØrdSummary: The Swedish cooking show follows the banter of (Seth Meyers) and (Scarlett Johansson) as her husband (Bill Hader) lies comatose on the side of the set.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Robert Smigel’s Hanna-Barbera-style Intelligevision Kidz cartoon sequence features Darwin making frequent evolutionary blunders, as well as advertisements for Bryo the Gay Stem Cell and Celibots.

Mike & Toni’s Chandelier GalaxySummary: Buy a chandlier from Mike (Fred Armisen) and Toni (Rachel Dratch) to add that extra touch of class to your mundane daily activities.

Recurring Characters: Mike, Lexie.

Transcript

Duluth LiveSummary: Darren (Jason Sudekeis) and Joyce (Amy Poehler), the morning hosts of Channel 23’s “Duluth Live” are ecstatic about welcoming their new house band, but regret having to wait for the lead singer (Will Forte) to finish his extended version of the new theme song.

Transcript

Death Cab For Cutie perform “Soul Meets Body”Bio: Indie rock band; took their name from a song performed by The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band in The Beatles’ film “Magical Mystery Tour”; members: guitarist Ben Gibbard, electric guitarist Christopher Walla, bassist Nick Harmer and drummer Jason McGerr.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Tina Fey takes a look at Martha-Ann Bomgardner’s (Rachel Dratch) facial expressions during husband Samuel Alito’s (Chris Parnell) confirmation hearings. Tina Fey quizzes Amy Poehler on quotes attributed either to Pat Robertson or a homeless guy during Weekend Update’s Nutbird News Quiz. Andy Samberg examines fellow celebrities with his hairstyle during The Shaggy Hair Corner.

My Super Sweet 16Summary: Bratty Crystal (Scarlett Johansson) demands that her parents (Chris Parnell, Rachel Dratch) move the earth to make her 16th birthday party the most important event in world history.

Transcript

Once in a Lifetime JewelersSummary: Ed Mahoney (Jason Sudeikis) makes an ass of himself to the jewelry store clerk (Scarlett Johansson) while purportedly shopping for a low-priced engagement ring for his girlfriend.

Transcript

OceanographersSummary: While floating 6,000 fathoms beneath the Kuril-Kamchatka Trench in a three-person-maximum-occupancy submarine, oceanographer Jeff (Seth Meyers) is floored to learn that his wife, Kendra (Scarlett Johansson), has fallen for his submate, Kevin (Horatio Sanz), during the course of their journey.

Transcript

Death Cab For Cutie perform “Crooked Teeth”

Mr. WilloughbySummary: In a preview of an upcoming movie based on a lost Jane austen novel, three sisters (Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, Scarlett Johansson) speak vibrantly in expectation of the soon-to-arrive Mr. Willoughby.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) talks current events with Tom Delay (Jason Sudeikis) and Zell Miller (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Tom Delay, Zell Miller.

The Tonight Show with Jay LenoSummary: Jay Leno (Darrell Hammond) interviews Tara Reid (Scarlett Johansson).

Recurring Characters: Jay Leno.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Tangent”, a man (Fred Armisen) on a blind date talks endlessly, even after his date (Kristin Wiig) leaves. He eventually lands, and loses, a co-starring role in a movie with Scarlett Johansson.

Note: Though an awkard delay, this Digital Short would eventually air on the Steve Martin episode.

BarSummary: A man (Seth Meyers) tries to ask a woman (Scarlett Johansson) on a date after meeting her in a bar.

Limo RideSummary: A limo driver (Finesse Mitchell) takes Scarlett Johansson around town.

Recurring Characters: Limo Driver.

False DateSummary: A man (Will Forte) and a woman (Scarlett Johansson) on a date lie about their identities.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 10

05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie

Mike & Toni’s Chandelier Galaxy

Mike…..Fred Armisen
Toni…..Rachel Dratch
Black Man…..Kenan Thompson
Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Lexie…..Scarlett Johansson

[ open on upward close-up of a chandelier, as surrounding violinists play ]

[ zoom out to reveal Mike and Toni seated underneath the chandelier. They clink their champagne glasses and smile. ]

Mike: Chandeliers! [ points upward to the chandelier ] Delicate, sparkling, and bursting with class! [ toni makes a bursting motion with her hands ] Nothing says “I’m loaded!” like a CHANDELIER! [ Toni shakes her head ] We should know. [ they both stand ] My wife, Toni, and I have been in the chandelier business for almost TWO DECADES! [ Toni flashes two fingers ] We have chandeliers in EVERY room of the house! And, yes, that does ibclude the garage!

[ cut to photo of a chandelier hanging low in Mike’s garage ]

[ cut back to Mike and Toni ]

Mike: You like eating steak?

[ cut to black man eating steak at a small table in a green-colored kitchen, with a chandelier above his head ]

Mike V/O: You ain’t eaten steak until you’ve eaten it under a CHANDELIER!

[ the chandelier lights up, the black man looks up in surprise and smiles ]

[ cut back to Mike and Toni ]

Mike: You like drinking fine wine?

[ cut to man sitting on a natty couch drinking wine, with a chandelier above his head ]

Mike V/O: Yeah. Try drinking it under a CHANDELIER!

[ the chandelier lights up, the man toasts his glass to it and grins ]

Mike V/O: I guarantee it’ll TASTE better!

[ cut back to Mike and Toni ]

Mike: Ah, you put a chandelier in the bedroom, that’ll spice up your love life! [ Toni playfully slaps Mike on the shoulder and smiles ] You GOTTA get a CHANDELIER!! [ Mike and Toni point to the chandelier above them ] But don’t take our word for it. Listen to our beautiful daughter Lexie.

[ cut to Lexie standing in front of four screens with rotating images of chandeliers ]

Lexie: Look at all dese chandeliers, right? [ randomly points in the directions of the screens behind her ] Look at dis one, look at dat one. Look at dis one, look at dat one. Look! Are you kiddin’ me? If you had one of dese in your house, you could look like a millionaire! Like da King of England! Like da King of France, or somethin’. [ randomly points in the directions of the screens behind her ] Imagine walking in your house and seein’ dis one. Or dat one. Or dis one. [ poses and smiles ]

[ cut back to Mike and Toni ]

Mike: [ smiling ] Ya GOTTA get a CHANDELIER! So if you’re ready for the high-class life, come visit US, at Mike & Toni’s Chandelier Galaxy! [ holds up items in his hand ] We’ll throw in a free set of handsome ben-wah balls wit’ every purchase! [ smiles ] If ya hafta ask, ya probably don’t want ’em! [ Toni makes passing motion with her hands ]

[ cut to exterior, Mike & Toni’s Chandelier Galaxy, which looks like a high-class mini-mall with older model cars parked in front ]

Jingle:
Mike & Toni’s Chandelier Galaxy!
835 Berry Road in Lib’ral!

[ bubble appears in lower left corner, Mike facing Toni as she shouts: ]

Toni: Ya GOTTA get a CHANDELIER!

[ Mike turns his head toward camera and smiles ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 10

05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie

Deep House Dish

V/O…..Maya Rudolph
DJ Dynasty Handbag…..Kenan Thompson
Tiara Zeeee…..Rachel Dratch
Kayleesha Kang…..Amy Poehler
Donna Smalls English…..Scarlett Johansson
DJ Intro…..Chris Parnell

V/O: You’re watching MTV 4: the alternative to the alternative. Next up, Deep House Dish.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Woooo! Woo! Welcome to Deep House Dish, the only show devoted to house music, and dishing out the latest house, and techno music stars. Yes.

(Tiara Zee comes out from camera right)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I am your host, DJ Dynasty Handbag, and here with a fashion report, is my best girlfriend and co-host, miss Tiara Zeeee. What’s going to be the hot thing in the club to wear this year Tiara?

Tiara Zee: Ok, so I talked to people; and it looks like at the club, we’ll be seeing clubwear. (Her tongue kind of hangs out of her mouth, DJ Dynasty stares at her.)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: That’s it? Ooo-wee tiara, do you realize how boring that was? I’m concerned for you. (Tiara lets out a faint giggle)

Tiara Zee: I know.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ok, our first guest vocalist has preformed at club luster, and the cha-cha slide land, please welcome Kayleesha Kang!

Kayleesha Kang: (singing) I told my boyfriend to hold onto the phone. I had to google something while I was alone. I googled his name, and I did a google search, and what I found out, OOO, made my stomach hurt. Google found a picture of my boyfriend and you, I recognize him by his Marge Simpson tattoo, why did I goo-goo-google him? (goo-goo-google) I am through- through- through with him. (Through- through- throughoogle) Don’t google your ma-aaaaan!

(Tiara and DJ Dynasty are “raising the roof” with their hands)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: OOOH! Why did I goo-goo-google him! Why did I goo-goo-google him! I am so through-oogle with him. WOO! Kayleesha Kang! Girl, your career is on Fi-re! If I were to google you what would I find? I mean give us some concert dates.

Kayleesha Kang: Well, on March first, I’m gonna be singing at the Paul Sebastian hair show early in the morning. And then in the afternoon, I’m gonna open in the George Takai gay-lesbian center in Hot-lanta. And then later that evening, I’m gonna be singing at a hepatitis benefit, and then the rest of the month I’m gonna be running errands.

Tiara Zee: I hate errands, I’ll tell you that right now.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ooh-wee Tiara. Now I’m only saying this in your best interest; but how on EARTH do you manage to be so dull? Tiara just looks into space Ok? Our next guest has a CD entitled; “I am too flawless to be with you people how did this happen”. Please make some noise for Misses Donna Smalls English!!

Donna Smalls English: (singing) My eyes, my lips, my hey-hey! My face, my hips, my hey-hey! My weave, my fingertips, my hey-hey! Girlfriends you better watch your man; one more look, and I’ll have to charge. Don’t- don’t -don’t don’t’ don’tcha wish don’tcha wish you looked like this? , don’tcha wish, don’tcha wish, don’tcha wish you looked like this!? COAT CHECK!! This jacket’s expensive!

DJ Dynasty Handbag: All right! Dang! All right! Hey hey! Girl, you were all up in your face with that, Donna Smalls. What have you been up to?

Donna: well I preformed at Ellen John’s and David Furnish’s wedding.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oh my god, gay royalty. That is a once in a lifetime experience. What an honor to be asked.

Donna Smalls English: Oh, they didn’t ask, I just ripped off my catering jacket, and got in their face and sang ‘cos that’s my style.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: and I love you for that.

Donna Smalls English: You know who didn’t? David Furnish and Elton John, they were not having me. Yeah I just said that and I don’t care if ya’ll watchin’!

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Yeah they ain’t watching.

Tiara Zee: I bet that was a big wedding.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ooh, Wee TIARA! Please! Make sure that the words coming out of your mouth will hold our attention, ok. Now you may remember our next guest from club sixty-nine before it was shut down by the police. Please give your love to DJ INTRO!!

DJ Intro: Beat. Laser. ‘Synth. Explosion! Diva! Whales! Roosters! Aunt Margie! I wanna check this mic out! I wanna check this mic out I wanna check this mic out! YOOOW!

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I wanna check this mic out! I wanna check this mic out! Yo. Ooh, you got us going over here. Where have you been? I mean you weren’t on the scene for a while.

DJ Intro: Heh heh, thanks for asking; I went to the Hazelton Clinic for a horse tranquilizer addiction.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Uh-huh. Now does that mean that you wont be able to join me and Tiara for drinks after the show?

DJ Intro: Uh, they won’t be serving horse tranquilizers will they?

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Well it is a club.

DJ Intro: I’m there!

Tiara Zee: I have a question for DJ Intro. (pauses)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Well go on ahead baby girl, go on ahead.

Tiara Zee: …I forgot.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: OOHWEE TIARA! Do you just realize you bored a whole bunch of people?! I mean you are like human ambience! Ohh-kay? We need to get out of here, for me, DJ Dynasty Handbag, and Tiara Zee, this has been deephouse dish, we will see you at the club!

(DJ Dynasty, DJ Intro, and Tiara start dancing as Deep House Dish logo fills the screen in a reverse shattered glass effect.)

Submitted by: Kim

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 31: Episode 10

05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie

Duluth Live

Wally Hammerlink…..Will Forte
Char Hammerlink…..Scarlett Johansson
Stack Sanchez…..Andy Sandberg
Freddie Fingers…..Fred Armisen
Back-up Vocals…..Rachel Dratch, Kristen Wiig
Keyboards…..Bill Hader
Bass…..Horatio Sanz
Congas…..Finesse Mitchell
Darren…..Jason Sudeikis
Joyce Crandall…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: You’re watching channel 23, Duluth Minnesotta. (opens with the show’s logo Duluth Live, various scenes depicting life on Duluth, Skyline boulevard, man with snowblower. The Duluth Live band plays easy listening rock theme of the show called “Fly High Duluth”, Wally and Char sing main vocals)

Wally: Fly high Duluth, your spirit has no measure.

Char: Fly high Duluth, the northland is your treasure.

,b>Announcer: Today on Duluth Live: Joyce Crandall fromthe Chamber of Commerce with some post holidaysbargains. And Dr. Paul Peterson for some news you canuse to beat those pesky sniffles.

(Darren joins the band standing next to Wally)

Darren: Welcome to Duluth Live. Great job guys. I’mDarren. This is Char and Wally Hammerlink and theywrote us a great new theme song. I’ll let you guysfinish up while I join my partner. Take us home.

Wally: We got people walkin’,talkin’

Char: Critters squewkin’,squawkin’

Wally: Yeah, we got it all right here.

Char and Wally: Fly high Duluth.

Joyce: Great stuff guys. What a fun group! That’s areally catchy new theme.

Darren: Absolutely, absolutely. They all live righthere in the area. And I got to say I like this song alot better than the old theme. Now Joyce Iunderstand…

Wally: (continues singing) Fly high Duluth, on thewings of emotion.

Darren: They are not done yet. A little bit more Iguess.

Char: Fly high Duluth, your spirit is the potion.

Wally: People tryin’, buyin’

Char and Wally: Kids spyin’, lyin’, old folks lyin’, dyin’

Wally: Oh, we got rebels making love in the streetseveryday!! Yeeeeah!

Char and Wally: Fly high Duluth! (theme song ends)

Darren: All right, that’s great. Are you on the marketfor some post holiday bargains……(Agressive hardrock guitar riff plays, resumes the theme song) Oh,there’s more, we got a little more I guess…

Wally: I know a little place called Duluth town, wentdown there by Mexico way, the women are loose and thebooze is cheap…

Char and Wally: So if you need good lovin’ then youknow you gotta say Fly high Duluth!

(back to Joyce and Darren)

Darren: All right, great stuff guys.

Joyce: Yeah, maybe a little long.

Darren: They are not done, they are not done Iguess…(hard rock beat continues)

Wally: I’m Wally Hammerlink and this is my shetigermate for life Char. Fly high Duluth! Feel the achin’and a-quackin’ in my old dungarees for a big leggedwoman named Sally Sleezle Geezle, she only need onelook at my old trouser weasel and I throw myself downon sweet charity oooooohhhhh!!

Char: Fly high Duluth!

(Joyce and Darren sit with stunned looks on their faces)

Wally: Oh, oh, I see my main man Stack Sanchez a-comemy way and I think his axe has something to say aboutthis.

(Stack Sanchez breaks into a screeching electricguitar solo while Darren and Joyce look on with a mixof boredom and anger)

Char: Let’s bring it way down guys, bring it way down.

(the fast rock beat changes to a slow menacing rock beat, Wally has a bottle of Jack Daniels on his hand)

Wally: Sssshhhhhh! Now let me kick it out to youpeople like this. See, we got a lot of crazy stuffgoing on in this country today. We’re out there dyingin the streets EVERYDAY!! YOU DIG!! Hit me!(1 drum beat)

Joyce: He’s still going on?

Darren: Yes, it is, yes, it is.

(Wally takes a swig of the JD bottle)

Wally: OH, THUNDERBIRD SPIRIT!!! I see old glory overon the horizon!! I see the tattered standard of aninvading army and their numbers ARE LEGION!!!

(Wally takes a monster gulp of JD and finishes thewhole bottle, Joyce and Darren wait helplessly)

Wally: Hit me two times! (two drum beats)Mama, don’tyou point that gun at meeeee! I said PLEEEEEEESEMAAAAAMA!!. Don’t you point that gun at meeee!!Because my loooove is consecrated in the blooood ofthe APAAAAACHE NAAAAAATIONS!!!! OH, DULUUUUTH, YEAH!

(Darren, Joyce and the show’s coordinator argue aboutthe performance that they’re witnessing, Wallycontinues)

Wally: Now wrap your heads around this!(drummer breaksinto a bombastic pull out all the stops drum solo,Joyce and Darren are reading magazines. At the end ofthe drunm solo more stunned looks)

Wally: Everyone give it up for my man Freddie Fingerson the thunder machine! Yeah! Fly high Duluth!(Joycegets up and stretches, Darren lifts his pants leg andexamines his knee)

Char: Fly high Duluth!

Wally: Fly high Duluth!

Char: Fly high Duluth!

Everybody: Fly high Duluth, Fly high Duluth, Fly highDuluth, Fly high Duluth!(faster rock beat resumes,Joyce and Darren sit down and laugh)

Wally: Tell me what we’re doing now!

Everybody: Fly Hiiiiiiiiiiiiigh!!(music reaches climax)

Wally: I can feel it! WAAAAAAAAAAAYYY DOOOOOOOOOOWN INMY LOINS!!, my loins!, my loins!, my loins!

(more bored looks from Joyce and darren)

Everybody: FLY!, HIGH!, DULUTH!

Wally: DULUTH! DULUTH! DULUTH! FLY HIGH DULUTH OH,YEEEAH!! (Stack smashes his guitar to pieces into thefloor and Freddie kicks and dismantles his drum set inreal The Who fashion)

Darren: Ok, that’s our show for this morning. I liketo apologize to all our guests cause we’re out of time.

Joyce: Bye, bye now.

Darren: Maybe no band next time.

Joyce: I don’t know, they were a lot of fun.

Darren: That’s subjective.

(Duluth Live logo appears)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 10

05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie

Once in a Lifetime Jewelers

Ed Mahoney…..Jason Sudeikis
Clerk…..Scarlett Johansson
Guard…..Finesse Mitchell

[ open on exterior, Once In A Lifetime Jewelers ]

[ dissolve to interior, Guard standing firm beside the door as chipper Ed Mahoney enters and addresses the attractive clerk at the counter ]

Ed Mahoney: Hello, ma’am! [ removes his hat ] My name is Ed Mahoney, and I want to buy my lady a ring!

Clerk: Well, congratulations, Mr. Mahoney.

Ed Mahoney: Ah, isn’t it the craziest! We’re eating dinner, and I’m looking at her, and I’m thinking, “Gosh, darnit, I love this chick!” And, boom, here I am today! Isn’t life a piece of pie!

Clerk: Well, I’m sure she’s a beautiful woman.

Ed Mahoney: Yeah, she’s alright. She’s alright, you know? I mean, would the sixteen-year old me be excited about the woman the thirty-year old him was about to marry? You know, probably not.. probably not, honestly. But you know what? The sixteen-year old me was kind of a dick! Real superficial kid.

[ the clerk is stunned at Ed’s behavior, and is unable to speak ]

Ed Mahoney: I’m kidding! She’s gorgeous! Prettiest girl I’ve ever seen! [ chortles ] Alright, how’s this ring thing work?

Clerk: Well, do you know what size stone you’re looking for?

Ed Mahoney: I sure do! Not so big that I gotta work Saturdays, and not so small that she’ll kick me in the nuts! [ chortles ] Yeah, how’s that, huh? Yeah, ’cause she’ll do it, you know, she’ll kick me there! [ chuckles ]

Clerk: I certainly hope that’s not true.

Ed Mahoney: Yeah, you hope it’s not true? Yeah, well, you know, get in line behind my nuts! [ chuckles roariously ] I’m kidding, I’m kidding! She’s actually very nice to my nuts. You know, what, heck, I’d be lying if I told you that wasn’t part of the reason I’m here! [ chortles ] Tell you what, let’s go with a carat!

Clerk: Okay, that’s wonderful. Now, do you have a shape in mind?

Ed Mahoney: Yeah, am I an if I say b>diamond-shaped?! It feels like a bad answer, doesn’t it! It feels a little uninformed! [ chuckles ] I’m guessing there’s other shape options, am I right?

Clerk: Yes, yes, there are several options.

Ed Mahoney: Yeaaaah, that makes sense. yeah, it does. No, I had a hunch! Let’s see these little boggars, bring ’em out!

Clerk: [ pulls a display of rings out from behind the glass counter ] Well, these are our different settings and cuts.

Ed Mahoney: Ooh, look at that. Ouch! You know, I gotta be honest with ya’ – there’s part of me that just wants to grab these rings right off the counter here and haul ass out of here, you know! [ chortles ] ‘Cause I gotta think you’d have a hard time catching me! [ chuckles ]

Clerk: Well, that’s why we have Security, sir. [ she acknowledges the silent Guard standing next to the door ]

Ed Mahoney: You – what’s that..? [ turns and notices the Guard for the first time since he’s entered the jewelry store ] Oh, yep, yep! Yeah, that changes things up, doesn’t it! Oh, boy! Yep, didn’t notice him earlier! Boy, that little scheme would have gone po-o-o-oorly! [ chortles ] Yeah, I tell ya’ what, I like the oval shape. Yeah, what do you think, what do you have?

Clerk: I don’t have a ring, I’m single.

Ed Mahoney: Well, that’s a weird move!

Clerk: What’s a weird move?

Ed Mahoney: Well, you know, having a beautiful single lady selling men engagement rings? Well, I don’t know, that’s kinda like having a chubby person ork the front desk at your gym-na-si-um! [ chuckles ]

[ she stares at him open-mouthed, not sure what to make if him ]

Ed Mahoney: Yeah, that may not make any sense to you, but you know what? Yeah, I don’t care. Hey, uh, so, uh, why don’t you have a boyfriend? what are you, crazy or something?

Clerk: No, I just moved to Kansas City, and I’m taking some time to be by myself.

Ed Mahoney: Yeaaah, yeah.. that makes sense, yeah. Heck ,you’ve got it figured out! Don’t listen to me, I’ll shut up. Look, I gotta pick a band out now, right?

Clerk: Yes, that’s right. We have platinum, gold, and white gold?

Ed Mahoney: [ dumbfounded ] White gold? [ chuckles ] What the heck’s white gold? [ rubs his finger against his nose ] It sounds kinda like a heroin, don’tcha think! Huh! Hey, I wonder if that’s what this place relaly was, huh? Like, what if I said, “Yea,h white gold.” And then you give me this nod and you take me to the back and you hand me a bag of heroin! [ cracks himself up with his own stupidity ]

Clerk: Oh, we’re not a front for heroin sales, sir. We only sell jewelry.

Ed Mahoney: Alright, white gold it is, then! so that’s it, we’re done, right, that’s all?

Clerk: Yes, that’s it. We have a one-carat, oval-shaped diamond on a white gold band. Now, if you have her ring size, we can have it for you ready by next week.

Ed Mahoney: Her ring size is six-and-a-quarter!

Clerk: That’s perfect. Okay, let me just get your total here. Mmm-hmm. That’s going to be $5400.

Ed Mahoney: Yeah, what’s that? [ still smiling widely ]

Clerk: With tax, your total is $5,778.

Ed Mahoney: [ chuckles with embarrassment ] I’m sorry, I believe I’ve wasted your time! I grossly underestimated the price of these rings in my ol’ noodle up here! [ points to his forehead ] Oh, well! [ chuckles ] Sorry about that.

[ Ed places his hat back on his head and continues to chuckle slightly, standing awkwardly before the counter as the Clerk secretly wonders what he’s trying to pull. Ed glances briefly at the display of rings still sitting on the counter, then grabs them and lunges for the door. Unfortunately, the Guard zaps him with a taser shock before he can make it. ]

Ed Mahoney: Oh, boy! [ flings the display of rings across the room and drops to the floor, then quickly hops to his feet ] I’m alright! I’m alright! [ the Guard zaps him with the taser again, as he collapses to the floor a second time ] Whoo! Oh, no! It’s the second one that gets you! [ chortles ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 10

05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie

Goodnights

…..Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson: [ overexcited ] I can’t believe it’s over! Oh, my God! Thanks to Death Cab For Cutie – they were awesome! Thank you all for watching! Good night! Good night! Alright!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 10

05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie

Oceanographers

Jeff…..Seth Meyers
Kendra…..Scarlett Johansson
Kevin…..Horatio Sanz
Drake…..Andy Samberg

[ open on underwater footage of a spider-shaped submarine gliding through the sea ]

[ SUPER: “Somewhere off the Kuril-Kamchatka Trench” ]

[ dissolve to interior, submarine, Kendra, Jeff and Kevin packed tightly in a horizontal line in front of the controls ]

Kendra: Approaching our targeted death of 6,000 fathoms; speed, 3 knots; directions, east by northeast.

Jeff: Congratulations, everyone. We’re the first humans to lay eyes on this part of the planet Earth.

Kevin: There’s some pretty remarkable, mild luminence life on port side.

Kendra: It’s beautiful, Kevin.

Jeff: You know, I can’t help but think down here on the bottom of the world, surrounded by darkness, there’s no one I’d rather be with than the smartest, most beautiful scientist I know. My wife, Kendra. [ wraps his arm around her shoulder ]

Kendra: [ sighs ] That’s.. sweet. Look.. [ shoves Kevin’s arm off of her ] I can’t do this any more, Jeff, we need to talk!

Jeff: Talk about what?

Kendra: Well, there’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just get it out there – there’s someone else.

Jeff: Well, what do you mean there’s someone else?

Kendra: I’ve fallen for another man, and I can’t hide it any more. [ glances toward Kevin ] Kevin and I are in love.

Jeff: Kevin? [ turns his head to look at Kevin ] This Kevin?

Kevin: [ meekly ] He-ey.

Kendra: I’m sorry, Jeff, but I can’t change the way I feel.

Kevin: You know, um.. maybe this isn’t the best time to have this conversation —

Kendra: [ angrily ] Oh, when is the best time, Kevin?!

Kevin: Oh, I don’t know, maybe when we’re out of this tiny, tiny submarine?

Jeff: Kendra, how could you do this to me? [ rotates his body to face Kevin ] And, Kevin, we were college roommates!

Kevin: Sorry, man. It just happened.

Jeff: Oh, yeah? Well, now this is gonna happen: [ music sting, as Jeff and Kevin begin lightly punching one another within their confined proximity ]

Kevin: Come on, man, this is ridiculous!

Kendra: No! No, you’ll kill him! [ squeezes next to Jeff to pull him back ]

Jeff: You’re lucky she’s holding me back, Kevin! [ rotates his body to face Kendra ] How long has this been going on?

Kendra: [ unashamed ] Since yesterday afternoon. It started right after we passed the Curl’s seduction zone.

Jeff: So it happened.. on this submarine?

Kendra: Yes.

Jeff: This incredibly small submarine?

Kendra: [ annoyed ] Yes, it happened on this submarine! Is that so hard to believe?

Jeff: Yeah, actually, it’s impossible to believe. We can barely move!

Kendra: Well, it happened! Okay? Love happens! Last night after you fell asleep, we stayed up for hours talking about our families, listening to music, playing Charades —

Jeff: Charades?

Kendra: Yes!

Jeff: In here?

Kendra: Yes, yes, we’re very good at Charades, okay?

Jeff: Mmm-hmm.

Kendra: Anyway, we had a few bottles of wine, Kevin played me a few of his songs on his guitar. We danced and danced for what seemed like hours. And before I knew what was happening, we were making love.

[ Kendra and Kevin stretch out their arms to hold hands in front of Jeff ]

Kevin: I’m really sorry, Jeff.

Jeff: You know what? I’m not really mad any more, Kevin! I’m more kind of wondering how I literaly can’t even scratch my own butt, but you managed to bring a guitar in here and have sex with my wife? Actually, I wish I had been awake, because I honestly just want to see how it’s all possible.

Kendra: Kevin, will you give us a second?

Kevin: Sure. [ he rotates his body to face away from Jeff and Kendra ]

Kendra: [ to Jeff ] Why can’t you just be happy for us?

Jeff: It’s not that I’m not happy, it’s more that, when I even get a hint of a boner, it sends a shooting pain through my pelvis, yet you guys were able to fully get it on, apparently from opposite sides of the submarine – that just interests me as a scientist.

Kendra: Good! Fine! Well, then, there’s something else I need to tell you.

[ suddenly, Drake the intern, who for some strange reason is naked, props himself up on top of the trio ]

Drake: Oh, hey, guys, what’s up? Oh, Jeff, you’re awake.

Jeff: Drake the intern?

Kendra: Yes. We’ve been including Drake the intern in on our lovemaking.

Drake: Sorry, Dr. Beregundian. It just sorta happened.

Jeff: Drake, this sub is only designed for three people.

Kendra: [ peeved by Jeff’s scientific explanations ] Yeah, well, life isn’t designed for only three people!

Jeff: You’re probably right.. you’re probably right. [ a beat ] But this submarine definitely is! It’s incredibly dangerous to have more than three people in here. But, anyway, is there anything else you guys want to tell me?

Drake: We’re out of food?

Jeff: Ohhh, you three!

[ freezeframe on the scene, as the image zooms out to appear on a newspaper with the headline: “Four Oceanographers Missing, Presumed Drowned” ]

[ Music Out: “I want to live in a bathysphere..” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 10

05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie

Smorgasbørd

Hjalmar Olsen…..Seth Meyers
Sigrid Helgason…..Scarlett Johansson
Tor…..Bill Hader
Swedish Chef…..Andy Samberg

[open on title screen: “food network”]

Announcer: You’re watching The Food Network: ESPN for fatties. Coming up next: “Smorgasbørd.” [with title: “Coming Up Next, Smorgasbørd”]

[dissolve to black and white setting with Sigrid facing forward and Hjalmar enters slowly from stage right and turns to face forward just as Sigrid turns to face stage right, in a staging highly reminiscent of Ingmar Bergman, and Hjalmar says “Smorgasbørd” with title]

[dissolve to a kitchen in full color, with Hjalmar and Sigrid]

Hjalmar: [with Swedish accent] Hello and welcome to Smorgasbørd, the show that celebrates the wonderful joy of Scandinavian cooking. I am your host, Hjalmar Olsen, and with me as always is Sigrid Helgason. Hello, Sigrid. Are you well? [he looks at her longingly]

[she looks at him longingly and speaks with a Swedish accent] Ja. I am well, Hjalmar.

Hjalmar: Sigrid is one of Scandinavia’s finest chefs. Also, she and I have a long-spoken agreement that, should her husband die, we are to be married.

Sigrid: Ja. Please, let’s not speak of it.

Hjalmar: He has been in a coma for three years. The doctors say it is a miracle that he is alive, but to me the only miracle is that I have not taken my own life during the interminable wait.

Sigrid: Ja.

Hjalmar: Joining us as always is Sigrid’s husband, Tor. [shot widens to reveal Tor lying motionless in a bed to the side of the kitchen] Why must he be here?

Sigrid: Because I am all he has.

[he turns his head to look at her and then faces forward, and then she turns her head to look at him and then faces forward]

Hjalmar: When people think of Scandinavia cooking, often they think of bland, flavorless food or, worse, the barely accurate stereotype of the Swedish Chef from America’s “Muppet Show.”

Sigrid: Today we set out to show you that our cooking is more than just meatballs and pickled herring.

Hjalmar: [turns his head to look at Sigrid] What have you made for us today, Sigrid?

Sigrid: Meatballs and pickled herring.

Hjalmar: [faces forward] That is unfortunate.

Sigrid: Ja. Many people are overwhelmed by the idea of preparing pickled herring. I am here to tell you that it is not that difficult.

[they turn their heads to look at each other]

Hjalmar: So very many things are difficult, Sigrid.

Sigrid: [she faces forward] Ja.

Hjalmar: Ja. [he faces forward] How does one go about making pickled herring?–and go slowly for us beginners.

Sigrid: First, take the herring. [she takes a herring from amongst several in a dish] Place in a jar of brine. [she drops it into a jar of brine] Wait for herring to be pickled.

Hjalmar: How long must I wait? [he turns his head to look at her]

Sigrid: Forty-five minutes of daylight. [she turns her head to look at him]

Hjalmar: So, five days?

Sigrid: Ja.

Hjalmar: Ja. [they face forward] That looks delicious. And now a word from our sponsor.

[dissolve to The Swedish Chef holding a rolling pin and a rubber chicken in front of a wood-panelled wall, shaking around crazily]

[“Axel F” from the “Beverly Hills Cop” soundtrack plays]

Announcer: [with heavy Swedish accent] You asked for it. You wanted it. Now here it is: Swedish Chef ringtones!

Swedish Chef: [to the tune of “Axel F”] Smorg borg smorg de borg borg borg, borg borg smorg de borg borg, smorg borg borg de smorg de borg borg smorg borg.

[The Swedish Chef puts the chicken down and smacks it with the rolling pin, then tosses both over his shoulders and continus to shake around crazily]

[title: “Swedish Chef Ringtones”]

Announcer: The Swedish Chef. When it comes to Scandinavia, he’s what’s cooking.

[dissolve to kitchen, with Hjalmar shaking his head]

Sigrid: Perhaps that was a poor choice of sponsor.

Hjalmar: Sadly, it was the only one available. [he turns his head to face Sigrid] Sometimes in life there is no one available.

Sigrid: [she turns her head to face Hjalmar] Ja. [they face forward] It is now time to ball the meat. [she lifts a bowl of chop meat and hands it to Hjalmar]

Hjalmar: [balling meat] Sigrid, would you like a cup of Glogg, the traditional after-ski drink?

Sigrid: No!

Hjalmar: Why not?

Sigrid: You know why not!

Hjalmar: Sigrid last drank Glogg in the lodge while waiting for Tor to return so that she could tell him that she was in love with me and she was leaving him. Then the ski patrol came in to tell her that Tor had an accident and was dead–but of course Tor was not dead; he was in day one of a three year and counting coma.

Sigrid: Ja. It’s a classic case of bad timing.

Hjalmar: Or, as the Swedes say, [speaks in Swedish]. The meat is balled! [he throws a ball of meat into the bowl]

Sigrid: Now it is time for Christmas pudding, with a wonderful surprise.

Hjalmar: What is this wonderful surprise?

Sigrid: Dinner guests alternate bites. Whoever gets the almond makes a wish.

[Sigrid holds up a small plate with a Christmas pudding, which is cake-like in consistency, and Hjalmar tears viciously into it with his hands before holding up the almond]

Hjalmar: [excitedly] I have the almond!

Sigrid: [joyously] Ja! [she and Hjalmar look at Tor who lies motionless in the bed, and she continues dejectedly] He still lives.

Hjalmar: How can you tell?

Sigrid: Because I am wanting.

Hjalmar: [yells angrily in Swedish]

Sigrid: Don’t say that! [turns her head to look longingly at Hjalmar and then faces forward]

Hjalmar: Join us next week, when Sigrid will salt a cod and I will wait for the reaper’s cold hand to release my pain.

[sedate music plays as the shot widens and Hjalmar and Sigrid turn their heads to look at each other and then turn bodily away from each other, with title: “Smorgasbørd]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 10

05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie

My Super Sweet 16

Crystal…..Scarlett Johansson
Dad…..Chris Parnell
Mom…..Rachel Dratch
Sabrina…..Amy Poehler
Girl…..Kristin Wiig

[Hilary Duff’s Sweet Sixteen plays, and you see the Super Sweet Sixteen logo appears over a Louis Vuitton-like background]

Crystal: My name’s Crystal. I’m rich and beautiful, and I’m finally 16. This is going to be the awesomest party ever!

[Hilary Duff’s Sweet Sixteen plays as Crystal texts and talks on her phone, throws money around with her best friend Sabrina, takes Sabrina’s present and sets it on the bed, and throws a shirt across the room.]

[open in on Crystal and parents in the living room]

Crystal: Listen up Mom and Dad, you know how much I love you. This is what I want at my party. A thousand people, alcohol, lasers, and perfection. This is what I hate. Nerds, parents, fat girls, and drama.

Dad: Honey, you’re our special princess, and this is your special day. Whatever you want, we’ll get it.

Mom: Ooh, I know. Maybe you could have a costume party.

Mom and Dad: Ooooh…

Crystal: Mom, I wish you could see how ugly you look right now, gimme a thousand dollars.

[opens in on mom]

Mom: We made an agreement. Every time I say something stupid, I have to give Crystal a thousand dollars. And… she’s right, sometimes I can be such a loser.

[open back in on the living room]

Crystal: I need to make the perfect entrance. I want to ride in on an elephant. No, a tiger. No, Shaquille O’Neal. No, Shaquille O’Neal on a tiger.

Mom: Whatever you want, honey.

[Sabrina walks in with a dull expression on her face which doesn’t change for the entire sketch.]

Sabrina: Hey, Crystal. Oh my God, you look so beautiful and rich.

Crystal: Oh my God, what are you wearing, you look like a disgusting homeless person.

Sabrina: Sorry Crystal, I was up all night putting rhinestones on the V.I.P. bracelets. [long pause] DON’T DISINVITE ME!

Crystal: What? That’s okay, you’re my best friend.

Sabrina: Okay, awesome.

Crystal: But seriously, if you wear that outfit, I’ll vomit in your face.

Sabrina: I get it.

[opens in on Sabrina]

Sabrina: I’m like Crystal’s best friend in the whole world. I mean, she won’t make eye contact with me, and she says my face looks like scrambled eggs. But she did let me give her ex-boyfriend a * beep *. (shrugs). No exaggeration, for real, Crystal’s, like, sweet 16 is, like, gonna be like, the greatest event in, like, the history of the universe. I mean, bigger than the MTV Movie Awards!

[open in on living room with Crystal and Sabrina on the couch. Crystal is looking in a mirror.]

Sabrina: I went on Myspace and, like, everybody’s talking about your party.

Crystal: We’ve rented out the St. Louis Arch, if you don’t have an invitation, you can’t even look at it or you’ll get arrested.

Sabrina: Wow, that’s so cool, you’re so pretty.

[parents come in]

Crystal: And we hired Hilary and Haylie Duff to sing “Our Lips Are Sealed” at my party!

Dad: Yes we did, for the very reasonable price of 2 million dollars.

Crystal: God, Dad, you are stressing me out. Can’t you just pay for everything and leave?

Mom: She’s right dear, she’s a 16 year old woman and she deserves our respect.

Crystal: I swear to God, Mom, I want to punch you in the face.

[close up on Mom, who is innocently looking around]

[open in on Crystal lounging on her bed with her cell phone]

Crystal: I am turning 16. I mean, this is literally the most important day in the world. I mean, I’m 16, like, I have opinions, I think thoughts, I can text “VOTE” on American Idol without permission. And if my Sweet Sixteen isn’t perfect, I will literally set my parents on fire.

[opens in on Crystal’s dad]

Dad: I can’t believe it’s time for her Sweet Sixteen already. I had to sell my entire business, take out three extra mortgages, and then I had to…smuggle a nuclear warhead into Cambodia, but it’s all worth it. Just to see Crystal smile.

[open in on words “it’s party time!” over the same Louis Vuitton-like background]

[open in on dance floor, where Sabrina is dancing with a guy]

Sabrina: Oh my God, you guys, here she is.

[Crystal walks in like a model]

People at Party: Whoo!

Sabrina: Crystal, you look so amazing and so wealthy.

Crystal: Oh my God, what are you doing in here? I need you outside telling people they can’t get in!

[Sabrina walks out]

[parents come in]

Dad: Oh, look at my special girl.

Crystal: Oh my God, I told you guys to wait in the car!

Mom: Oh, speaking of cars, we have a surprise!

Dad: We bought you a brand-new Land Rover! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Crystal: Oh my God, a Land Rover? I said I wanted a Range Rover! Throw that hideous poor-person’s car in the trash! I am leaving!

Mom: Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait! You’ll miss the special musical guest!

Crystal: Oh my God, Hilary and Haylie Duff are here? Okay, love you for five more minutes. (starts dancing with Mom)

Dad: We couldn’t get the Duff sisters to sing “Our Lips Are Sealed”, so we got the original band, The Go-Go’s!

Crystal: Oh my God, the Go-Go’s? You actually got the Go-Go’s? They’re ANCIENT! I’m going to suffocate from their old-person smell! I swear to God, this party is literally worse than the Holocaust!

[mom looks around, confused, then Crystal dramatically flees.]

[the Sweet 16 logo over the Louis Vuitton-like background comes on]

Announcer: And next up, on My Super Sweet 16.

Girl: Daddy, why won’t Shakira wrestle an alligator? She’s acting like a total immigrant! [slams onto the couch, having a temper tantrum]

[the Sweet 16 logo over the Louis Vuitton-like background comes on and Hilary Duff sings, “Sweet Sixteen”]

Submitted by: Sophie

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 10

05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie

Mr. Willoughby

Written by: Tina Fey

Rose…..Rachel Dratch
First Sister…..Tina Fey
Second Sister…..Scarlett Johansson

[open on title screen: “Focus Features”]

Voice Over: Focus Features, in association with Studio Canal [dissolve to title screen: “Studio Canal”], presents the lost Jane Austen work, Mr. Willoughby. [dissolve to title screen: “Mr. Willoughby”]

[dissolve to parlor of upper-class home with two young women in Victorian dress as a third enters]

Rose: [entering and rushing to the window] I thought I heard a carriage! Mr. Willoughby should be arriving any moment!

First Sister: Will he be staying for tea?

Second Sister: Mother says he’s looking for a bride.

Rose: [she comes up behind her sisters and hugs their shoulders] I wish we could all marry Mr. Willoughby, for we are like an clump [sic] of cherries that cannot be separated.

First Sister: When Mr. Willoughby arrives, I shall proffer him a selection of salted nutmeats.

Rose: [gasps] And I shall play the pianoforte! [frolics towards the piano and sits on the bench]

Second Sister: And I shall sing him a fine contralto. [she gestures to First Sister, and they both join Rose by the piano]

All Three: [singing] I met a girl from Ashby; her hair was chestnut brown.

Rose: [gasps and leaps up from the bench] Mr. Willoughby has the rosiest cheek.

Second Sister: And the thickest orange hair.

Rose: And when he speaks, the air is filled with the smell of roasted meats.

[Second Sister and First Sister promenade across the parlor]

Second Sister: They say that Mr. Willoughby has two suits of clothes.

Rose: One for winter…

First Sister: And one for funerals!

All Three: [laughing] Mr. Willoughby!

Second Sister: Mr. Willoughby has the most delightful collection of neck moles.

First Sister: Mr. Willoughby’s nose looks as if it’s been dipped in poppyseeds.

Rose: His teeth are like sharp pieces of corn.

First Sister: His eyebrows are terribly expressive, particularly the top one.

Second Sister: His eyes are ever so piercing: one, brown; the other, milky white.

All Three: [joining hands and skipping in a circle] Mr. Willoughby reeks of urine! [with long “i” in “urine”]

[dissolve to stock footage of the countryside]

Voice Over: Three sisters, hoping for love. The love of a man named Willoughby. In this, Jane Austen’s final and only half-finished work.

[dissolve to parlor, where the first sister sits by the window as Rose and her other sister play at cards]

First Sister: I saw him Sunday last at church, and he waved at me with his crooked, yellow fingers.

Rose: He lingers after every service to offer fellowship to the boys’ choir. [gasps] Rumples! [sets down her cards, as does her sister]

Second Sister: I must confess to you, sisters dear, I should like to whisper sweet nothings into his wax-caked ear.

Rose: I purloined his blood-stained snuff rag, and I keep it in my Bible.

First Sister: Rose, you dare not!

Rose: In the pages about Delilah!

All Three: [laughing] Mr. Willoughby!

Second Sister: He’s the most eligible bachelor in all of Upper Cornholeshire.

First Sister: Some say he’s a hundred years old. I say a hundred and twenty!

Rose: Some say he’s ill tempered, but I say he’s just mean!

Second Sister: They said his beard hides a host of malformities. Oh, that I were those malformities that I might couch myself under that patchy beard.

First Sister: Some say, at night he roams the field, performing lewdnesses on the livestock, but I believe it!

Rose: Some say Mr. Willoughby isn’t a man at all, but rather a pile of sticks someone threw an old coat on.

All Three: [laughing] I shall marry him, nonetheless! [they join hands and dance in a circle as period music plays]

[title: “Mr. Willoughby”]

Voice Over: Mr. Willoughby, coming soon to a tiny, depressing theater near you.

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts