Category: 2005

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 11


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 21st, 2006

Peter Sarsgaard

The Strokes

None

Drew Barrymore

Jorma Taccone

Paula Pell
Anderson Cooper 360Summary: Anderson Cooper (Seth Meyers) moderates the forum via satellite, as New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin (Finesse Mitchell) clarifies his “chocolate city” comments,Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) clarifies her “plantation” comments, and Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) rambles.

Recurring Characters: Anderson Cooper, Ray Nagin, Jesse Jackson, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s still absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Peter Sarsgaard’s MonologueSummary: Peter Sarsgaard shows behind-the-scenes footage of his attempts to dispel his creepiness among the cast.

Bio: Peter Sarsgaard (1971-). Actor; frequently cast as a supporting character in popular films; co-founded the improvisational troupe Mama’s Pot Roast while a student at Washington University in St. Louis.

Nelson Baby ToupeesSummary: Hair Club For Men spoof promotes haipieces for babies.

Transcript

Target GreatlandSummary: Target clerk (Kristin Wiig) keeps customers waiting as her manager (Peter Sarsgaard) savors his coffee break.

Recurring Characters: Target clerk.

Transcript

Pirate ConventionSummary: Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! A group of pirates welcome Peter Sarsgaard to their convention, and purposely find reasons to make him emphasize the R’s in his words.

Transcript

Carol!Summary: While at an art gallery, Jim (Jason Sudeikis) and Amanda (Amy Poehler) set up Harrington the artist (Peter Sarsgaard) with their skanky friend, Carol (Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Carol, Jim, Amanda.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A musical tribute to “Mr. Young Chuck Norris (Andy Samberg).”

Transcript

Cat FancySummary: A writer (Seth Meyers) for Cat Fancy magazine is fired for plagierism by his editor (Peter Sarsgaard), in this spoof of the 2003 film “Shattered Glass.”

Note: Boom mike visible.

The Strokes perform “Juicebox”First Performed: 01k.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) are against President Bush’s wiretapping efforts because they’re still sore about losing theirrespective elections to him. Drew Barrymore objects to Tina Fey’s joke about her boobs.

Gays in SpaceRecurring Characters: Billiam, Thad, Givindy, Loretta, Judine.

Note: Because of Maya Rudolph’s continued absence, Will Forte performs the opening song.

Transcript

Fairmont Suites InnSummary: A traveler (Peter Sarsgaard) suffers through the hotel’s televised ad (Rachel Dratch) when he can’t find the remote control in his room.

Note: Gaffes abound throughout the sketch when the TV picture disappears after Peter Sarsgaard hits it, Peter Sarsgaard and Rachel Dratch laugh consistently, and a stagehand’s head can be seen depositing the remote control into the scene.

Transcript

National Security AgencySummary: A pair of NSA agents (Peter Sarsgaard, Jason Sudeikis) monitor the mundane phone conversations of a couple of old ladies (Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch).

Transcript

The Strokes perform “You Only Live Once”

Peter Sarsgaard’s SARS GuardsSummary: The bird flu may be the current disease rage, but Peter Sarsgaard is still trying to unload previous bad investment opportunity, SARS Guards with his face on them.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Tangent”, a man (Fred Armisen) on a blind date talks endlessly, even after his date (Kristin Wiig) leaves. He eventually lands, and loses, a co-starring role in a movie with Scarlett Johansson.

Note: Though an awkard delay, this Digital Short would eventually air on the Steve Martin episode.

Al Pacino Checks His Bank BalanceSummary: After his agent (Rachel Dratch) informs him that he’s losing money, Al Pacino (Bill Hader) calls his bank to check his balance.

Recurring Characters: Al Pacino.

Note: A later draft of this sketch would eventually air on the live episode hosted by Dane Cook next season.

Tranquil SpacesSummary: A yoga instructor’s (Peter Sarsgaard) moment of zen is ruined by a bum (Andy Samberg) bleeding in his studio space.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 3

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05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Donnie Freeman…..Jason Sudeikis
Pep Walters…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “WeekendUpdate,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler, here are tonight’s top stories:

[Tom DeLay grinning in his mugshot] Tom DeLay’s mugshot was released onThursday. Even creepier, it was taken while he watched someone drown abag of kittens.

DeLay looks confident in his mugshot, but let’s widen out. [new photoshows DeLay’s pants are stained] Yep, I thought so. He soiled himself,that’s what I thought.

Over to you, Tina.

Tina Fey: Thank you, thank you.

Amy Poehler: I just want to say it’s great to have Tina back, everybody.

Tina Fey: Aww, thank you. [cheers and applause] I’m happy to behere, and, uh, we also want to offer congratulations to Maya Rudolph,who had her baby last week! [more applause]

Amy Poehler: That’s right.

Tina Fey: Yes, a sweet little peanut named Pearl. And this putsus, uh, one step closer to an all-baby cast.

[cast photo is shown; only a few adults are remaining, surrounded by infants]

Amy Poehler: Oh, that looks good.

Tina Fey: Yes! All babies… and Finesse. It’s gonna be a goodshow…[Amy is laughing] He’s in the picture!

Last week, Hurricane Wilma grew into the most intense Atlantic stormever recorded, a Category 5, with 175 mile per hour winds. Or what’sknown around FEMA as “Casual Friday.”

Amy Poehler: Sources said Monday that a special prosecutor’sintensifying focus into who outed a CIA operative has raised questionswhether Vice President Dick Cheney himself was involved. Confronted onthe issue, Cheney turned into a hundred bats, and then flew away!

Tina Fey: Lawrence Wilkerson, Colin Powell’s former Chief ofStaff, said this week that foreign policy in the Bush administration hasbeen usurped by a “Cheney-Rumsfeld Cabal.” President Bush fired back,saying, “How dare you notice that!”

U2 lead singer Bono met with President Bush in the White House onWednesday and urged the President to help the world’s poor, while thePresident urged Bono to get back with Cher. [applause]

Amy Poehler: I’d like to see that.

Tina Fey: I hope they do!

Amy Poehler: This week in Florida, the Doral High School footballteam cancelled the remainder of its season, after losing its first sixgames by a combined score of 299-0. Here to comment is the head coachof that team, Donnie Freeman.

[pan to Donnie; applause]

Donnie Freeman: Thank you Amy, thank you. Ah, hey, what can Isay, tough season, you know? We lost all our games, and we didn’t scorea point. What can I say, I love my trick plays! [laughs] I love myFlea Flicker, you know, your Statue of Liberty, Bloomin’ Onion, theDutch Brownie. And for the record, you know, I- I now know that theBloomin’ Onion is illegal, all right? Because I now know that only onefootball is allowed on the field at any given time. I know that, I knowthat now.

See, I learn stuff from these kids as well, you know? ‘Cause that’swhat you’re gonna get when you play for ol’ Donnie Freeman, all right? One, you’re gonna learn. Two, you gotta be clean-shaven. Noexceptions, all right? And three, no punting. Ever. We neverpunt the football. Punting is for quitters. Vince Lombardi said that. Actually, it might’ve been my dad. Doesn’t matter.

Hey, now a lot of people say my style’s a little unorthodox, all right? And I’m like, you know, what does that word even mean? [laughs some more]

Amy Poehler: Oh, it means you’re style of play is unusual.

Donnie Freeman: Oh! Alright, then I guess they’re right, then. OK, yeah, no I didn’t- I didn’t know that.

Amy Poehler: Well, what did you think it meant?

Donnie Freeman: Ah, you know, I didn’t really know, it’sjust—eych. Just sounded mean, you know?

Amy Poehler: Wow.

Donnie Freeman: Alright, but you wanna know what really stinks? Wanna know what really stinks? You’re gonna love this, you two. I- Idon’t even know if I’m gonna be back next year! I don’t know if I’mgonna get to come back. How do you like that for gratitude? You knowwhat, if you guys keep giving me the runaround down there at Doral, I’mnot even gonna want to come back, alright? ‘Cause this little birdiewill fly away! Oh believe me, I’ve got options, believe that. I’vealways wanted to coach in the pros, for instance. You know, more of mystyle, anyhoo. Uh, plus, on a good note, I just found out on Thursdaythat I have a three-year-old son, his name’s Orlando.

So yeah, I think things are looking up for ol’ Donnie Freeman!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, they’re definitely not. The saddest man inthe world, everybody, Donnie Freeman. [cheers and applause] Yeah, goodluck, Donnie.

Tina Fey: Pope Benedict XVI will attend a world premierescreening of the new miniseries Pope John Paul II, starring CaryElwes and Jon Voight. He’s coming to the premiere because Jon Voight’sdaughter is Angelina Jolie, and even the Pope wants to hit that. [someapplause]

Amy Poehler: Stay away from my Pope, Jolie. [Tina laughs] I knowhow you work.

Royal officials announced Friday that Prince William has won a place atBritain’s elite Sandhurst Military Academy, to train to become an Armyofficer. Apparently the admissions committee was particularly impressedby his essay. [picture of a sheet of paper, with the words “I’m PrinceWilliam” written on it]

Tina Fey: And now, a “Weekend Update” Sports Minute for Ladies.

Game One of the World Series was tonight. Uh, the Chicago White Soxplayed, uh, those other guys, and I think they beat them by, like, acouple, I think.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, yeah, and it was really long.

Tina Fey: Ugh, it was so long.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Don Pardo V/O: This has been “Weekend Update” Sports Minute forLadies. [cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Spongebob Squarepants will begin airing in Chinain December, so millions of factory workers can finally know what thehell they’re making. [applause]

In China, the show will be called Cleaning Pad Charlie RectangleShorts.

Amy Poehler: Good show, I would watch that.

A 14-year-old Indiana girl was arrested after she came to a middleschool with a handgun, ammunition, and six small bags of marijuana. Man, Dakota Fanning’s growing up so fast! [some applause]

Tina Fey: Businessman Robert McCormick is refusing to pay a$200,000 bill from a night at the Scores strip club two years ago,insisting that he did not spend more than $20,000 that night. “Oh,that’s much better,” said his wife.

Amy Poehler: The Monroe County jail in Indiana is within ten daysof running out of toilet paper, because the county council will notallow the warden to transfer funds to pay for it. The story will betold in the upcoming film, “The Brown Mile.” [some boos mixed withcheers; Amy smiles] WHOO!

Researchers say that about one half of American teens go online to getinformation about sex, while the other half get their sex informationfrom Don Pardo—oh no, wait a second, that can’t be right.

Don Pardo: It’s true, Amy Poehler, I know a lot about sex.

Amy Poehler: [disgusted] Oh please, Don, don’t say that anymore—

Don Pardo V/O: Wanna know how babies are made?

Amy Poehler: No!

Don Pardo V/O: Good, I’ll stop by your dressing room and show you!

Amy Poehler: What? God!

Tina Fey: Wow, Don, you’re gonna do this in front of me? You’regonna hit on her in front of me.

Don Pardo V/O: Don’t be like that, boo. [some applause]

Tina Fey: Oh, Don Pardo, it is impossible to be mad at you!

Amy Poehler: You’re a charmer, a charmer.

Tina Fey: I love you, Don Pardo.

This week marked—[cracks up] This week marked the beginning of exorcismclasses at Vatican University, and the last week of Jazzorcism classes.[picture of a possessed baby waving his arms at an aerobics class; someapplause]

Amy Poehler: Tired of all the prostitute jokes they have toendure, the residents of Hooker Lane in Greenwich, Connecticut, arepetitioning the town to have their street’s name changed to StonebrookLane, after longtime resident Louise Stonebrook… who is a prostitute.

Tina Fey: Amy, last night I saw a comedian who made me laugh soloud, I was like, tears. For real, very inspiring. He’s blind, andhe’s a prop comic. Please welcome Pep Walters!

[Pep approaches a microphone next to Tina; applause]

Pep Walters: [facing Tina] Hey!!! Check out this crowd!!—whichway am I facing?

Tina Fey: A little that way. [turns Pep so he faces the audience]

Pep Walters: There we go. What’s up, everybody? [audiencecheers] Yeah, yeah!

Did you ever go on an airplane? Some guy’s got a baby who’s crying tooloud? [chuckling] Yeah, I got something for that!

[to Tina, but the audience can still hear him] Will you reach into mybag, real quick, and just, uh, grab one—

Tina Fey: In here?

Pep Walters: It’s in there, yeah.

Tina Fey: [reaching into the large bag Pep brought, she pulls outa furry tennis racket] This?

Pep Walters: No, that’s not it. [to the audience] On a plane!

Tina Fey: [pulling out a hard hat with a satellite dish attached]Is this it?

Pep Walters: No, that’s not it. Just keep going, then. [to theaudience again] Got a baby who’s crying too loud? Man, I got something,you won’t believe it! Ha ha! [Tina pulls out a toilet seat withreflectors attached] No, that’s not it, it’s these, uh, earmuffs thatsay “Shut That Baby Up” on it.

Tina Fey: Oh, OK.

Pep Walters: That’s, um, the punchline of the joke—[Tina findsthe earmuffs and gives them to Pep, who puts them on] Hey!! Check itout! Shut that baby up! [little audience reaction, since the punchlinehas been given away; Pep is clearly disappointed]Just get me off the stage, please? I- I think I’m done.

Tina Fey: Oh, uh, OK. Just back up and turn right.

Amy Poehler: Thank you, thank you Pep Walters.

Pep Walters: [startled] Who was that? Who else is here?

Tina Fey: Oh, it’s just Amy.

Pep Walters: Oh, OK. Yeah, I need to get off.

Tina Fey: Just that way to the right. Good job, Pep.

Pep Walters: OK.

Amy Poehler: Thank you, Pep. [cheers and applause]

Swedish researchers discovered a new way to—[Suddenly, Pep’s headappears in Amy’s camera shot] Oh boy.

Tina Fey: Pep! No, the other way, Pep!

Amy Poehler: The other way! [Pep wanders around in front of thedesk, still in the shot. Amy laughs]

Tina Fey: Get out of the shot, Pep.

Amy Poehler: Pep, get out of the shot!

Tina Fey: Pep, just—

Amy Poehler: Move in any direction!

Tina Fey: Move in any direction, Pep, and you’ll be out of theshot! Just, even, bend down a little bit. [Pep finally gets out of theshot. Amy is still laughing. Cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Oh boy, tears!

A new survey shows that the average person spends four years of theirlife housecleaning, and just 16 hours having orgasms, which makes sense. It probably would take four years to clean up after a 16-hour orgasm. Am I right, Tina? Up top! [holds her hand out for Tina]

Tina Fey: No.

Amy Poehler: No? I’ll do it myself. [gives herself a high five] Boom.

Tina Fey: Alright, thank you.

Madonna made a surprise appearance at New York’s Hunter College onWednesday as a guest professor. The course was “Fake English as aSecond Language.” [some applause]

Amy Poehler: A twelve-year-old Michigan boy is trying to breakthe Guinness Book of World Records for most continuous karate kicks inone hour. Least happy about this: the boy’s little brother.

For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause as Tina waves; fade]

Submitted by: Mike Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 3

05c: Catherine Zeta-Jones / Franz Ferdinand

Musical Vows

Priest…..Jason Sudeikis
Glen…..Will Forte
Gina…..Catherine Zeta-Jones
Glen’s Father…..Fred Armisen
Glen’s Mother…..Amy Poehler
Gina’s Mother…..Tina Fey
Gina’s Father…..Horatio Sanz
Wedding Guest…..Finesse Mitchell

[open on interior of church with bride, groom, and priest]

Priest: Glen, will you have Gina to be your wife, to love her in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?

Glen: I will

[Glen’s father has his arm around his wife’s shoulders as they look on proudly]

Priest: Gina, will you have Glen to be your husband, to love him in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?

Gina: I will.

[Gina’s parents also look on proudly, her father smiling as her mother fights back tears, his arm also around her shoulders]

Priest: As you all know, Glen and Gina are very active in our church choir. They love to raise their voices unto the Lord any chance they get. So on this most special of days, they’ve decided to sing their own vows. Without any further ado, I give you Glen and Gina. [steps away as soft organ music begins to play and the couple take each others’ hands]

[Gina’s parents smile eagerly]

Glen: [singing] When I first met Gina / in old town Pasadena, / my heart and my soul agreed, / she’s such a beautiful person / with such a tender smile, / and she’s also so intelligent. / I love her family and her style of dress. [Gina’s parents smile and nod] / Her manners are so impeccable. / And from that moment I knew / that woman would be Mrs. Glen Clarkson. [Glen’s parents smile broadly]

Gina: [singing] When I first met Glen, / my heart skipped a beat; / I thought I had a condition. / Then I realized, / oh yes I surmised, / our two hearts were beating as one. / He had real good hygiene, / yes I mean he was clean. / He let me wear his jean jacket. / That’s when I knew / that he’s the man for me, / and so I asked him to spank me. [Gina’s parents are clearly confused and unpleasantly surprised]

Glen: [singing] We went back to my flat. / I bent her over my knee / and I paddled her bare bottom with fury. [Glen’s mother draws back and eyes the couple warily while his father looks on, stone-faced]

Gina: [singing] Such heavenly smacks / on both sides of my crack. / Hours and hours of spanking. [Gina’s parents blink in disbelief]

Glen: [singing] I tried to stop, / tried to close up shop, / but my hungry palms wouldn’t let me. / So I fed my palms a meal / of womanly butt steak / and downed half a bottle of Quaaludes. [Glen’s parents desperately try to pantomime to Gina’s parents that they knew nothing about this and do not at all approve]

Gina: [singing] But soon my tokhes had enough, / so we turned the tables / and the spanker became the spank-ed. [she pokes Glen’s nose] [Gina’s father looks nervously back towards the crowd while her mother shakes her head] / I started calling him names / that I couldn’t say in church, / ’cause that would be really tasteless.

Glen: [singing] The hairs on my tush / were standing at attention / the second they felt her swattings. / And I have to admit, / it felt so right, / I immediately thought of my mother. [spoken] I love you, mom! [Glen’s mother clutches at the neckline of her dress in distress and mouths, “Oh, my God!”]

Gina: [singing] My heart was so full; / it was a spank festival. / It went a little something like this.

[Glen bends over and Gina spanks him while hitching her skirt with her other hand, creating the impression that she is sort of a cowgirl. All the while, he sings “Ooo-ooo” and she sings “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” Glen’s mother has fallen into sobs while his father tries to comfort her. An elderly gentleman in the pews whispers excitedly to his female companion. The spanking continues while another wedding guest smiles and rocks back and forth to the music with index fingers raised. Gina’s mother faints in her seat. The spanking ends, and Glen and Gina rejoin both hands.]

Glen and Gina: [singing] And that’s how we fell in love. [they kiss each other lightly on the lips as the music ends]

Priest: [returns to stand before the couple] Uh… [clears throat, looks down, opens his mouth, nods and looks down] Okay. Um, Glen and Gina, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. Glen, you may kiss the bride.

[Glen and Gina’s faces approach, but then Glen kisses his own fingertips]

Gina: [rapturously] Oh!

[Gina turns around and bends over, and Glen commences spanking her, shouting out, “Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!” as “Ode to Joy” plays]

Priest: Or you could do that. That’s good, too.

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 29th, 2005

Lance Armstrong

Sheryl Crow

None

Scott Podsednik

Liz Cackowski

JB Smoove

A Message From the Vice-President of the United StatesSummary: Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) denies his staff’s illegal activities as the White House fills with smoke around him.

Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney.

Transcript

MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Lance Armstrong’s MonologueSummary: Lance Armstrong answers audience questions about steroid use and a potential date for his wedding to Sheryl Crow.

Bio: Lance Armstrong (1971-). Athlete; won the Tour de France cycling race seven years in a row, 1999-2005.

Transcript

Celebrity IronmanSummary: Despite being a superb cyclist, Lance Armstrong demonstrates a complete inability to run or swim.

Transcript

Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000Summary: No more annoying sirens while your house burns, thanks to the sounds of the 80’s!

Transcript

The Indigo GirlsSummary: The Indigo Girls (Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler) enjoy living their musical life high on a mountain with 26 dogs, but don’t welcome criticism from Sheryl Crow.

The O’Reilly FactorSummary: Bill O’Reilly (Darrell Hammond) puts the wrong spin on the day’s major issues, includinf a grand jury investigation and Harriet Miers’ nomination.

Recurring Characters: Bill O’Reilly, Robert Bork.

Sheryl Crow performs “Good Is Good”First Performed: 96b.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: A drunken Harriet Miers (Rachel Dratch) admits that no one in the Bush administration is qualified for their jobs. Tina and Amy challenge one another to a “Weekend Update Bitch Fight News Quiz.” To honor Rosa Parks’ death, Finesse Mitchell stages a sit-in at the Weekend Update desk until a black anchor is assigned to the post. Scott Podsednik realizes that Tina and Amy aren’t the White Sox fans they purport themselves to be. Mrs. Butterworth (Kenan Thompson) is responsible for a syrupy smell in New York.

Bio: Scott Podsednik (1976-). Athlete; outfielder for the Colorado Rockies baseball team; stole 70 bases in 2004, the year’s highest among the major leagues.

Transcript

A Song For SherylSummary: With a little help from his gardeners (Fred Armisen, Bill Hader), Lance Armstrong composes a song for fiancee Sheryl Crow that shows off his lack of musical talents.

Days of Our LivesSummary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) has trouble sticking to the script during a cameo appearance on “Days of Our Lives.”

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Transcript

Carol!Summary: Dylan (Lance Armstrong) is set up on a date with Carol (Horatio Sanz), a cheerful yet skanky overweight woman who changes his life for the better.

Recurring Characters: Carol.

Note: This sketch was cut from dress rehearsal for the episode hosted by Steve Carell.

Transcript

Sheryl Crow performs “Strong Enough”

Hit ManSummary: Hit man Mr. Franco’s (Horatio Sanz) task of killing Gordon the snitch (Lance Armstrong) is delayed by the incessant laughter of his henchman, Marty (Will Forte).

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

J.J. CasualsSummary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) promotes shoes shaped like feet, for the casual person who prefers to walk around barefoot.

Note: This sketch will finally air on the episode hosted by Jason Lee.

Good Morning TodaySummary: Morning talk show anchors were costumes to celebrate Halloween.

OutsidersSummary: Talk show format for the unpopular crowd.

Steve JobsSummary: Apple’s Steve Jobs (Fred Armisen) introduces smaller and smaller I-Pods that hold more and more songs as they shrink.

Note: This sketch will later air as a Weekend Update commentary on the episode hosted by Eva Longoria.

Steve JobsSummary: Young, immature sea captain (Andy Samberg) loses his cool after crashing his cruise ship into an iceberg.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 4

05d: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow

Carol!

Dylan…..Lance Armstrong
Jim’s Wife…..Amy Poehler
Jim…..Jason Sudeikis
Carol…..Horatio Sanz

(Opens with a shot of a house outside, dissolves to the living room where Jim, his wife and Dylan are sitting on the living room sofa)

Dylan: So this lady you’re setting me up with, she’s cool, right?

Jim’s Wife: Oh yeah, yeah.

Dylan: I trust you. But you know I’m really picky.

Jim’s Wife: Oh, I know you’ll love her. We used to be roommates. I mean, I haven’t seen her in a couple of years. She was a lot of fun back then.

Jim: Well, she better be fun, ’cause this guy guy hasn’t had a date in a year.

Dylan: Come on, man.

Jim: Oh, bro’ you know I’m just kidding. We’re here for you.

Dylan: I really appreciate this. I really do.

(doorbells rings)

Jim: There she is.

(Jim’s Wife goes to open the door)

Dylan: I’m nervous, but I really appreciate it.

Jim: Don’t be nervous. You’ll be fine. (pats Dylan in the back)

Jim’s Wife: Carol!

(In comes Carol, overweight with beautiful blond hair and a hot pink blouse)

Carol: Hey! How are you, girlfriend! (picks Jim’s Wife off her feet and swings her wildly from left to right 2 or 3 times before putting her down) Wooooohohoho! Oh, that must be Jim. I heard somuch about you! I’m Carol! (hugs Jim)

Jim’s Wife: Carol, Carol, this is our friend, Dylan.

Carol: Oh la la. You smell like Brut. (They shake hands)

Dylan: You smell nice too, Carol.

Carol: It’s aspercream. I blew my back out in the shower trying to loofah my calves.

(cut to jingle)

Jingle: And then there’s Carol!
(Carol turns around with shy smile)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying Who, me?)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky
(Carol dances wildly)
Right on, Carol.
(Carol poses)

Carol: I’M CAROL!!

(Carol! is up in bright colored letters)

(back to scene)

Jim: Why doesn’t everybody have a sit. All right, Carol, can I get you something to drink? (Dylan makes the OK sign approving of Carol)

Carol: Ummm, do you have Dunkin Donuts coffee coladas, or something?

Jim: Um, ah, no I think you can only get those at Dunkin Donuts. We have coffee, I guess.

Carol: Oh, you know what? I’ll just have a slippery nipple.

Jim: Is that some kind of shot? I doubt we have that.

Dylan: That’s too bad because I would love to wrap my mouth around a slippery nipple.

Carol: Oooohhhhhh! (lusty laugh points at her breasts) You might get these two if you play your cards right.

Jim’s Wife: You’re bad, Carol. You’re bad.

Carol: I’m serious, they are really slippery. I don’t even know why. OK, Oh you know what?

Jim: What?

Carol: How about if I get a Dunkin Donuts fruit colada.

Jim: Yeah, you know that’s.. that’s also only available at Dunkin Donuts, Carol. Hey, how about this? How about I tell you what we do have, and you tell me what you think. I have wine.

Carol: No.

Jim: Or a beer?

Carol: Nope.

Jim: I might have some scotch.

Carol: Oh, you know what? I’ll have a scotch. Can you biggie size that?

Jim: I guess I can put it in a pint glass?

Carol: Fantastic! (pulls Jim by the arm) NO ICE! NO ICE!

Jim: Ow! OK, ok.

Jim’s Wife: Let me give you a hand. (They go into the kitchen, leaving Dylan and Carol alone on the sofa)

Dylan: So, Carol, tell me about yourself.

Carol: Um, I work for Verizon.

Dylan: Oh, that’s cool. The phone company?

Carol: Um huh, yeah I stand out in front of Radio Shack in a cell costume and hand out flyers.

Dylan: Right. The one downtown? I swear I’ve seen you before.

Carol: Oh, it’s a really great job. Great benefits.

Dylan: Great benefits? Like what?

Carol: Well, my cell phone costume. (Whispers) I can be totally naked in there. (naughty laugh, Lance almost breaks character)

Dylan: Carol, you’re a glorious creature. You’re magical. (moves closer to Carol) Tell me more about this costume. Is there room for one more, maybe?

Carol: OHHHHHH!!! (Lusty laugh, Jim and his wife come back to the living room, Jim holds a full glass of scotch)

Jim: All right, Carol, here is your scotch. I was gonna have one, too, but you pretty much finished off the whole bottle.

Jim’s Wife: There you go, Carol.

(Carol takes a big gulp)

Dylan: Wow, my kind of girl.

Carol: Ok, oh, hey, no one put a roofie in there…or doooooo. (pokes playfully around Dylan’s head) Ok, I’mgonna go push one out and smoke a joint in the bathroom. (Carol gets up and leaves)

Dylan: Hey, I think I’m gonna go get a little bit of air. I’ll be right back too. (Dylan follows Carol)

Jim’s Wife: Wow. She looks different.

Jim: Yeah, what is the deal? Your friend really let herself go.

Jim’s Wife: No, no I mean she looks a lot better.

(Carol and Dylan come back out looking a little disheveled)

Jim: Wow! That was fast.

Carol: Was it? I didn’t noticed. We were having sex in your toilet.

Jim: Ok, you know what? Maybe we should call it a night, ok.

Carol: Oh yeah, we were gonna go anyway, Dylan knows a little place around the corner where they do serve coffee coladas.

Dylan: Its called Dunkin Donuts. (Throws a dirty look at Jim)

Jim: Oh, great. I know that, thank you.

Dylan: Listen baby, as long as we’re together you will never have to loofah your calves again alone. I promise. (Carol puts her hands in Dylan’s shoulders)

Carol: Ohwww! Hey guys, I’m afraid we have some bad news. You’re gonna have to buy a new toilet!

Jingle: And then there’s Carol!
(Carol turns around with a shy smile)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying Who, me?)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky
(Carol dances wildly)
Right on Carol.
(Carol poses)

Carol: I’M CAROL!!!

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 4

05d: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow

A Message From the Vice-President of the United States

Vice-President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Firefighter…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Vice-Presidential logo ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the Vice-President of the United States – Dick Cheney.

[ dissolve to Dick Cheney seated at his desk, a jack-o-lantern resting to his right ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: I would, uh – I’d like to use this opportunity to address some of the questions surrounding the recent indictment of my top aide, Lewis “Scooter” Libby. Scooter was under investigation for violating the Intelligence Identities Protection Act, and, of course, as you all know by now, he was found to be completely innocent. The special prosecutor, however, did charge Scooter with a few lies here and there. But, come on – a guy named Scooter might stretch the truth just a little bit, right? I mean, to call it lies – come on, he’s Scooter! He’s just joshing! We all josh! I like to josh! Members of the Press, they were joshing, too!

But, keep in mind, whatever the charges, none of this reflects in any way on the White House. We are as strong as ever. Critics have turned to the old adage “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” But I can tell you that, in this case, you would be mistaken. I think it would be wrong to conclude that, just because of the Harriet Miers situation, the hurricane mess, the war, and now the indictment, that this administration is in some kind of trouble.

[ a patch of smoke wifts above his desk ]

It couldn’t be further from the truth.

[ wide shot, as Cheney looks toward smoke pouring up from the door jamb ]

Lookie there – I see a little smoke has made its way into this room. I’m just gonna ignore that. I want to make this absolutely clear – this administration is in complete control.

[ sirens begin to rise from offscreen, as more smoke fills the room ]

If I thought there was even a whiff of crisis within these walls, I would be all over it. I don’t miss much. That’s something I pride myself on. I will say this – this is a perfect example of what I was talking about earlier. I mean, there’s a heck of a lot of smoke in here, but I don’t think anyone would jump to the conclusion that somehow a fire was connected with it.

[ two firefighters walk across the screen from Cheney’s left ]

It simply doesn’t add up. Nor does one lone indictment mean anything more than just that. It’s an isolated case. If it were more, then, yes, of course, we would be looking at a real crisis. But I think I can say, with some confidence, there is no crisis.

[ Firefighter steps behind Cheney ]

Firefighter: Sir, you really do need to evacuate now. [ exits area ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Thank you, but I’m sure it’s nothing. Anyway, as you can see, everything is A-OK at the White House. Happy Halloween, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 4

05d: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow

Days of our Lives

Director…..Seth Meyers
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Arianne Zuker as “Nicole Walker”…..Amy Poehler

[open on sound stage, with director and Arianne Zuker talking indistinctly when Donald Trump enters]

Director: Oh, hi, Mr. Trump! Welcome to “Days of our Lives.” We are so excited that you are doing this cameo for us.

Donald Trump: I’m really, really very jazzed about this. My Emmy award winning performance on the episode of “Days” is really gonna boost your ratings. It’s gonna be the most dramatic, theatrical, high-rated performance in the history of daytime television.

Director: Wow. Okay, well, all I need you to do is stand on your mark and read your lines off those cue cards.

Donald Trump: Here’s how I’m gonna do this. I’m gonna stand on my mark. I’m gonna read my lines off the cards.

Director: Super. Uh, Arianne, we’re ready. [exits stage right]

Arianne Zuker: Okay. Hello, Mr. Trump, it’s a pleasure to be working with you. I’m Arianne.

[she extends her hand to shake, but he just holds his hand out, immoble, and she can’t get a grip on it]

Donald Trump: Wonderful to meet you, Adrenium.

Arianne Zuker: [confused] Okay.

Director: [from offstage] Places! And, action!

[dramatic music plays]

Arianne Zuker: Oh, my God! You’re The Donald!

Donald Trump: That’s right.

Arianne Zuker: What are you doing here in Salem?

Donald Trump: I’m here to monate a lot of doney to the Horton Foundation.

Director: Cut!

Donald Trump: Cut, moving on.

Director: [enters] Yeah, uh, we’re not moving on yet. I think you mixed up a couple letters, there. Instead of saying “donate money,” you said “monate doney.” So we’re just going to do it again, you know, just take your time and, again, just read what’s on the cue cards, okay? [exits]

Donald Trump: I felt a little flat on that take, so I’m gonna spruce this one up with a little more flair, Marlon Brando style. Armenian, you’re doing great.

Arianne Zuker: [curtly] Thanks. It’s Arianne.

Director: [from offstage] Places! Action!

Donald Trump: [with hand raised and thumb pressed to other four fingers] That’s a-right-a. [Arianne shrugs her arms in frustration and turns to face offstage] I’m-a here-a to denote donate-a da money-a donate-a some-a money-a. “The Godfather.” [cobra]

Director: Cut!

Donald Trump: Let’s see Martha Stewart do that!

Director: [enters] Mr. Trump, you can’t really do an Italian accent here, because you’re playing yourself, so it would be very confusing.

Donald Trump: I think it was kind of confusing when I did that accent.

Director: Yeah. So, just read the cards?

Donald Trump: You watch what I do. I’m about to take you on a journey–both of you–of laughter and tears. Not only is it gonna win an Emmy, but the ratings are gonna be yooge!

Director: [flatly] Wow, that sounds great. [exits]

Donald Trump: I’m having a ball, Abrenium. [puts a hand on her shoulder]

Arianne Zuker: [brushing his hand off, angrily] It’s Arianne.

Donald Trump: Places!

Director: Places! I say “places.”

Arianne Zuker: Oh, my God! You’re the Donald!

Donald Trump: You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth! I’m the Donald, and I love that our lives are made up of these days. Tear, tear, tear, tear, [traces imaginary tears down his cheek with his finger] and freeze in tableau. [closes eyes and briefly stops moving] And end tableu. La-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la blah-blah-blah. “The Apprentice.” [cobra]

Director: [entering] Cut! Definitely cut! Definitely cut!

Arianne Zuker: No! What was that?!

Director: I don’t know! I don’t know!

Donald Trump: I’ll tell you what that was, Edamame, that was acting. What’s next?

Director: Yeah, um, I think we’re done.

Donald Trump: I really think we need to do a few more scenarios to make this a top notch story arch. Hmmm…mmm-hmmm. [puts pipe in mouth] Elementary. Sherlock Holmes. [cobra]

Arianne Zuker: What? What?

Director: No, yeah, I definitely think we’re good. We should have enough to cobble a scene together.

[dissolve to “Days of our Lives” hourglass logo]

Arianne as Nicole: Oh, my God! You’re the Donald!

Donald Trump: [every syllable is clearly from a different shot, edited together] That’s right. I’m Donald Trump. [puts pipe in mouth]

Arianne as Nicole: What are you doing here in Salem?

Donald Trump: [with the words “donate” and “money” badly dubbed in a different voice] I’m here to donate a lot of money to the Horton Foundation.

[dissolve to “Days of our Lives” hourglass logo]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 4

05d: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow

Goodnights

…..Lance Armstrong

Lance Armstrong: Thanks to Sheryl Crow, thanks to Scott Podsednik. Thanks to the cast and crew, thanks to Lorne Michaels. This has been an amazing week. [ looks lovingly at Sheryl Crow ] Great, great show. Thanks for being here, thank you very much.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 4

05d: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow

Hit Man

Mr.Franco…..Horatio Sanz
Marty…..Will Forte
Gordon…..Lance Armstrong

(Opens with Gordon tied up to a chair on a boatyard pier, Mr.Franco holds a 9mm pistol, Marty stands next to him,ships on the background)

Mr. Franco: What do you got to say for yourself, Gordon?

Gordon: I told Mr. Franco, I don´t know nothing about no money!

Mr. Franco: I wish I could believe you. But there´s 20,000 dollars missing and you´re the only other person with the combination to the safe.

Gordon: I swear it wasn´t me!

Mr. Franco: Well, we´re gonna find out.

Marty: Yeah, we´re gonna find out, right boss?

Mr. Franco: Yeah, that´s what I said.

Marty: Yeah, that´s what he said, chump.

Mr. Franco: All right, look you better start talking or I´m gonna fill you with so many holes, you´re gonna look like a golf course!

(high pitch laughter)

Marty: Haaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiihaaaaaa!!!! That´s a good one, boss!

Mr. Franco: Thanks Marty. All right, where was I?

Marty: The money.

Mr. Franco: Right,the money. Now I have 10 witnesses that swear they saw you driving around in a brand new Lexus.

Gordon: I bought that Lexus with my own money, man!

Mr. Franco: Your own money? Gordon you´re so broke you got to rent gum!

(Maniacal laughter)

Marty: Hahahahahahaaaaa!!!!!iiiiiigigig!!!!!!!!!!!iiiiiiaaaaaaaaaighhahahahahaha Oh,boss!Good freaking joke!

Mr. Franco: It wasn´t that funny.

Marty: You´re right, you´re right. Well, it was a little funny. Ha!, ha!, ha!

Mr. Franco: Are you finished?

Marty: Ummm, yes.

Mr. Franco: Now, back to you Gordon.

Gordon: Look, Mr.Franco, I swear this is a big misunderstanding! I´m getting framed here!

Mr. Franco: You don´t start talking you´re going to be framed for your death certificate!

(Marty stifles laugh and lets it go)

Marty: Uhggg…..Haaaaaahahahahahahahahahahiiiiaaaa!!!!

Mr. Franco: Oh God!

Marty: Hahaha!! Framed? I mean why would you frame it? Where you´re gonna hang it? In your coffin?

Mr. Franco: Shut up, shut up!

Marty: Ha!ha!!, its so crazy to think about!

Mr. Franco: Shut up! SHUT UP YOUR MOUTH!

Marty: Ooh…(Marty turns his back a little to Mr. Franco)

Mr. Franco: This is serious. (to Gordon) Now start talking or you´re never going to see your family again.

Gordon: I´m telling you don´t….please! don´t shoot me please! I got 2 children a third one on the way, please don´t shoot me!!

(more crazy hyena laughter)

Marty: Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!iiiigigigihahaha!!!!!!!!

Gordon: I´m sorry.

Mr. Franco: Excus-, excuse me. (turns to Marty) What is your freaking problem!!

Marty: Well, I was thinking about your earlier comment about renting gum. Ha!,ha!,ha! I mean its such an inexpensive item and you know, who would want it back after you´re done? “Excuse me, I´ve finished chewing your gum now, I´m here to return it to you.”

(Mr.Franco shoots Marty at point blank range)

(BANG!)

Marty: Oooooooohhhhhhh!!!! (yells in pain) ooohooooooh, ha!ha! Gum rental! (one more shot BANG!) OOOOhhhhhh!!! Aaaaa!!! I think you shot my funnybone!! Ha,ha,ha! (3 more shots BANG!BANG!BANG!) ooooooooohhhhhoooooaaaaa!!!! One of those was in the heart! (Falls face first dead)

Mr. Franco: Finally a little peace and quiet!

(Stunned look on Gordon´s face)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 4

05d: Lance Armstrong / Sheryl Crow

Celebrity Ironman

Bill Perry…..Chris Parnell
Donnie Brantley…..Seth Meyers
…..Lance Armstrong
Racers…..Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader
Overweight Racer…..Horatio Sanz
Stephen A. Smith…..Finesse Mitchell

[open on title screen: “ESPN,” with music]

[dissolve to title screen: “Celebrity Ironman” with stock footage of swimmers, cyclists, and runners]

Bill Perry: We are here at the Celebrity Ironman competition in Virginia Beach. [dissolve to newsroom with Bill Perry and Donnie Brantley] And the leaders are just finishing the biking stage of the race. I’m Bill Perry and I’m here with Donnie Brantley [titles of their names are shown], winner of Iron Man ’98. Who do you like at this point, Donnie.

Donnie Brantley: Well, I don’t think it’s any surprise, but I’m going with Lance Armstrong. [dissolve to Lance Armstrong riding a bicycle down a road] After a poor swimming leg, Lance hasn’t surprised anyone with a dominant biking portion that left the rest of the field in the dust.

[dissolve to newsroom]

Bill Perry: He certainly seems unbeatable at this point.

Donnie Brantley: Lance Armstrong; all he knows how to do is win.

Bill Perry: And here he goes. He’s off the bike and about to begin his run. [dissovle to Lance Armstrong running down a road, oddly flailing his arms directly into the air] That’s strange. What’s happening here, Donnie?

Donnie Brantley: I’m not really sure, Bill. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I don’t think Lance Armstrong knows how to run.

Bill Perry: You’re not going to get an argument from me. Let’s see how our other racers are doing.

[dissolve to racers, with all other racers passing Lance Armstrong; an overweight racer is the last to surpass him, and Lance’s arm motions become less spirited]

[dissolve to newsroom]

Donnie Brantley: Well, I mean, I guess, based on the swimming portion, we might have expected this.

Bill Perry: Let’s look back at that tape. [dissolve to athletic swimmers] Here we see the other swimmers. And, where’s Lance? Let’s take a look at him. [dissolve to rescue helicopter hovering over struggling swimmer] Ah, there he is.

[dissolve to newsroom]

Donnie Brantley: Yeah, if it wasn’t for that helicopter, I don’ t think he would have made it.

Bill Perry: Let’s take a break, and we will be right back.

[dissolve to title screen: “ESPN,” with music]

[dissolve to Stephen A. Smith in front of monitor with title: “Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith”]

Stephen A. Smith: I’m Stephen A. Smith, and coming up on “Quite Frankly,” did Hurricane Katrina cause the New Orleans Saints to collapse, or did years of losing by the Saints cause Hurricane Katrina? Quite frankly, I can say whatever I want, because ESPN loves me. [crosses his arms and smiles]

[dissolve to newsroom]

Bill Perry: Well, the race is over, and a disappointing finish for Lance Armstrong. Our own Donnie Brantley is with him now.

[dissolve to Donnie Brantley interviewing Lance Armstrong at the finish line]

Donnie Brantley: Tough one today, Lance. How would you describe it?

Lance Armstrong: Well, I think the biking went great. That was really the high point, though.

Donnie Brantley: The running and the swimming seemed to have some hiccups.

Lance Armstrong: Maybe I overfocused on the biking in training. It’s hard to tell, man.

Donnie Brantley: Yeah, you would have thought biking wouldn’t have needed too much of your focus.

Lance Armstrong: I just kept thinking, “I’m Lance Armstrong. If I lose the bike part, I’ll be the laughingstock.” So I just went bike, bike, bike in training, leading up to the race.

Donnie Brantley: Right. Talk us through the swimming.

Lance Armstrong: You know, they say you never forget how to ride a bike. Well, they don’t say that about swimming, and now I know why. Man, I totally forgot how to swim. That water caught me totally off guard. I was, like, “What’s going on? It’s crazy!”

Donnie Brantley: Yeah. And the running?

Lance Armstrong: I never really knew how to run, either. Don’t know how people do it. Seems unnatural, ungodly.

Donnie Brantley: Wow. Pretty strong take on running.

Lance Armstrong: Yeah, I feel the same about walking, too. We have bikes for a reason. Give me one thing you can do on foot that you can’t do on a bike.

Donnie Brantley: Go up stairs?

Lance Armstrong: This interview’s over, man! [walks away]

Donnie Brantley: All right, we’ll be right back after this.

[dissolve to title screen: “ESPN,” with music]

[dissolve to title screen: “Celebrity Ironman” with stock footage of swimmers, cyclists, and runners]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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