…..Lance Armstrong French Audience Member…..Fred Armisen George the Cyclist…..Jason Sudeikis Other Cyclists…..Will Forte, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg Terrell…..J.B. Smoove … Terrell Female Audience Member…..Liz Cackowski …..Sheryl Crow
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Lance Armstrong!
Lance Armstrong: Thank you! What’s up! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. It has been AMAZING hosting “Saturday Night Live” this week. I would say it’s been a tiring week, but, come on — I’m Lance Armstrong; I don’t get tired! I’ve been working really hard on the show, trying to do a good job — but just not TOO good. Because the last time I did something TOO good… the French started testing my urine every fifteen minutes.
French Audience Member: [ on exaggerated French accent ] Lance! Lance! Lance! Eet’s great to hae you back in A-merry-ka! I have a few quest-yawns?
Lance Armstrong: [ nodding sheepishly ] Go ahead…
French Audience Member: Have you had fun these week?
Lance Armstrong: It’s been challenging, but it’s been a lot of fun.
French Audience Member: [ smiling ] And a… two-part quest-yawn: Do you have a urine sample, and, if so… can I have it?
Lance Armstrong: No!!
French Audience Member: [ irked ] Eet’s our race! Stop weening eet! J’ACCUSE!!! [ he rushes off ]
Lance Armstrong: Any other questions? [ he looks into the audience ] You?
[ reveal group of cyclists in the audience ]
George: Yeah! Yeah, I got a question: A lot of people think cycling is a team sport — Is that true?
Lance Armstrong: [ laughing ] Yeah! It is a team sport.
George: Uh-huh. So are you hosting alone… or with the whole team?
Lance Armstrong: [ he tries to keep from laughing ] George… we’ve been through this, man.
George: Mmm-hmm. So alone, then?
Lance Armstrong: Yes.
George: Alright. Let’s get out of here, boys!
[ the cyclists stomp their feet and shuffle out of the studio ]
Lance Armstrong: Anybody else?
Terrell: [ standing ] Yeah, yeah, yeah! I got a question! Uh, yeah — Is it true those yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets have made over FIFTY million damn dollars?!
Lance Armstrong: [ laughing ] As a matter of fact, the LiveStrong bracelets have raised over 58 million dollars for cancer research.
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
Terrell: Now, how much of that money do you get?!
Lance Armstrong: [ laughing ] All the money goes to cancer research.
Terrell: [ amused ] You didn’t get NOTHING?
Lance Armstrong: Nothing.
Terrell: Damn! [ he takes his seat ]
Lance Armstrong: Alright. One more question.
Female Audience Member: [ raising her hand ] Um — I heard you and Sheryl Crow are engaged.
[ Sheryl Crow stands next to the Female Audience Member and leans into her ear ]
Female Audience Member: Um — hold on. [ Sheryl Crow whispers into her ear ] Have you set a date?
Lance Armstrong: No… But I’m sure we will now. We have a great show tonight. As you can tell, Sheryl Crow is here! [ the audience cheers wildly ] So stick around, we’ll be right back!
Dad…..Seth Meyers Mom…..Amy Poehler Spencer Mason…..Chris Parnell Officer Peter Venelli…..Fred Armisen Man…..Jason Sudeikis Wife…..Rachel Dratch Husband…..Horatio Sanz Hip Hop Dude #1…..Finesse Mitchell Hip Hop Dude #2…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on forward pan of exterior of house, night ]
Announcer: Smoke. When you’re asleep, there’s no way to know what’s in the air —
[ cut to interior, house, pan through bedrooms as smoke fills the air ]
Announcer: — in your home, around your children. So the two questions you need to ask yourself are: Do you value the safety of your family? And —
[ cut to close-up of smoke detector ]
Announcer: — Do you love the 80’s?
[ red light suddenly flashes on the smoke detector, as we hear: ]
Smoke Detector: [ Eddy Grant’s “Electric Avenue” ] “We’re gonna rock on through / Electric Avenue.”
[ the parents wake up in a panic ]
Dad: Honey! The house is on fire! I’ll get the kids! [ rushes out of bed ]
[ cut to the excitable Spencer Mason and the serious-minded Officer Peter Venelli ]
Spencer Mason: Hi, I’m Spencer Mason!
Officer Peter Venelli: And I’m Officer Peter Venelli of the New York Fire Department. There is nothing more terrifying than a fire consuming your home while you sleep.
Spencer Mason: And no music more fun than hits of the 80’s! Finally, you can have both! With the new Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000. You’ll hear all your favorite hits!
[ cut to smoke-filled bedroom ]
Spencer Mason: “Somebody’s Watching Me”, by Rockwell:
[ red light suddenly flashes on the smoke detector, as we hear: ]
[ red light suddenly flashes on the smoke detector, as we hear: ]
Smoke Detector: [ Laura Branigan’s “Gloria” ] “Gloria! Gloria! / I think they got your number”
[ the Wife wakes up casually, as the Husband panics ]
Wife: Ooh.. I love this song..
Husband: We gotta get out of the house! The house is on fire! [ he makes a mad dash for the door ]
[ cut back to Spencer Mason and Officer Peter Venelli ]
Spencer Mason: It’s never good when your house is on fire – so why not make it a little more fun!
Officer Peter Venelli: Although, I stress – you have 15, 20 seconds, tops, to get out of the house. No matter how much you love these songs, you need to keep moving.
Spencer Mason: Hey, with songs like these, you won’t be able to stop moving!
[ a list of songs scrolls up a separate screen, as “Karma Chameleon” plays ]
“Karma Chameleon.” “Rock The Casbah.” “99 Luftballoons.” And more!
Officer Peter Venelli: Make sure to get a smoke detector for your house.
Spencer Mason: And make sure to turn it up!
[ cut to product ]
Announcer: Totally Rad Fire Alarm 3000 isa available wherever you shop.
[ cut to two hip hop dudes ]
Hip Hop Dude #1: And be sure to pick up the new Yo! Fire Alarm Raps. ‘Cause, if you hear this:
[ smoke detector plays a hip hop beat ]
Hip Hop Dude #2: Bust a move outta yo house!
[ the two hip hop dudes bust a few moves as the ad fades ]
…..Tina Fey Harriet Miers…..Rachel Dratch Voice of President George W. Bush…..Will Forte …..Finesse Mitchell …..Scott Podsednik Mrs. Butterworth…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, its WeekendUpdate, with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
[cheers and applause]
Amy Poehler: Hi, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey, and here are tonights top stories:
Yesterday, Dick Cheneys chief of staff, Scooter Libby, was indicted onfive felony counts, ranging from perjury to obstruction of justice, inthe Valerie Plame leak case. For more on this story, ask Scooter! Apparently that mo-fo will tell you anything!
If convicted, Libby could face the following penalties: obstruction ofjusticeten years in prison, making false statementsfive years,perjuryfive years, going to jail with the name Scooterpriceless.
The indictments against Scooter Libby were announced at a pressconference Friday by special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald. Trim,soft-spoken, manly Patrick Fitzgerald. His clear, steady voice,piercing blue eyes, and unimpeachable integrity restoring my faith inAmerica, and making me feel like doing things I have never donebefore! I love you, Patrick Fitzgerald, because you dont lie to me. I love you.
Amy Poehler: [picture of Harriet Miers] Shocking many onThursday, the Religious Right participated in a second-term abortion.[applause]
Now that shes no longer a nominee for the Supreme Court, Harriet Mierswill continue as President Bushs counsel, and oversee the selection ofa new nominee. Reportedly, she already has a candidate in mind:Shmarriet Shmiers. [Harriet with a Groucho Marx mask, complete withlarge eyebrows]
Tina Fey: Here to explain her decision to withdraw her nomination is Harriet Miers.
[pan to Harriet, who holds a glass of red wine; applause]
Harriet Miers: Thank you, Tina. I decided this week thatproceeding with my nomination would be too much of a burden on thisadministration. So I pulled it. And you know what? I feel reallygood about it. [takes a sip from the glass]
Tina Fey: Great! Now Harriet, you had been in charge of pickingpotential nominees, so were you surprised when President Bush chose you?
Harriet Miers: Tina, Ive been waiting so long for thatday when he would call me, when Bushie finally offerd me the nomination. I just felt like, Sometimes the snow comes down in June, Sometimes the sun goes round the mooooonn–
Tina Fey: OK, Harriet, Harriet, dont- dont sing any more ofthat or well, uh, well have to pay for it.
Harriet Miers: [raising her hand] Okey-dokey. [lowers her hand,spilling some of the wine from the glass] Oops.
You know, at first I didnt want to take the nomination, because Ithought itd ruin the friendship. [another sip from the glass]
Tina Fey: Sure. Right.
Harriet Miers: And frankly, I felt like I was extremely unqualified!
Tina Fey: Well sure, because youve never been a judge, andyoure not a Constitutional scholar or anything, I mean
Harriet Miers: But then I thought, you know what? Wait a second. A man wouldnt second guess himself like this! I mean, Donald Rumsfeld never says, Hey! I cant be Secretary of Defense! Ive never even served in the Army! Right? Porter Goss doesnt say, I cant run the CIA! I dont have any intelligence experience! [some applause] And Mike Brown didnt say, Hey, I cant run FEMA! Im the head of the Arabian Horse Society, for petes sake! [cheers and applause; Harriet drinks some more]
I mean, were ALL unqualified! Why am I the only one who has toadmit it?
Tina Fey: Thats right, Harriet. Now Harriet, what[Harriet pays no attention to Tina, drinking her wine and staring off into space] Merlot?
Harriet Miers: Mmm, yeah.
Tina Fey: What do you say to Far Right Republicans who felt thatyou werent conservative enough for the high court?
Harriet Miers: Oh Tina, religious views should have nothing to do with judicial views. [lets out a loud belch, nearly breaking character as Tina pats her on the back]
But Roe v. Wade is a constant problem within the Republican Party. Imean, on one hand, [grabbing Tinas hand and slamming it on the desk]you have the Evangelicals who want to overturn Roe v. Wade forever,right? And then on the other hand, [lifting Tinas hand and slamming it to the desk a second time] you have wealthy fiscal conservatives whoneed lots of safe, legal abortions for their slutty teenagedaughters! [drinks some more]
Tina Fey: Oh alright, Harriet, thats enough wine. OK.
Harriet Miers: Alright, hold on one second. [reaches for her cell phone]
Tina Fey: Who are you calling?
Harriet Miers: Mr. President! [laughs] Oh wait, its ringing.
Tina Fey: Uh, I dont think its a good idea to drunk-dial thepresident.
Harriet Miers: I- Ive known this guy for twenty years. Ive got plenty of two A.M. calls from him saying, Guess where I am! Guesswhere I am! [phone rings]
President George W. Bush V/O: You have reached the White House. You know what to do. [beep]
Harriet Miers: [into the phone] Hey George, its Harriet. I just wanted to say that I dont want it to be weird between us at work on Monday, so if you agree, call me back, OK? [to Tina] Hell call meback. I mean, if it wasnt for me, that genius wouldve gone to jailyears ago.
Tina Fey: You, uh, havent hung the phone up yet, Harriet.
Harriet Miers: [gasps] Oh, scratch!
Tina Fey: Harriet Miers, everybody!
Harriet Miers: [reaching for the glass of wine] Ill take this.[cheers and applause]
Amy Poehler: Defying federal laws, a California city councilvoted to create a municipal agency to distribute medical marijuana. The agency will be called The Santa Cruz Department of Kevins Van.
Tina Fey: [picture of a child catching an egg that breaks inmidair] This week, during an egg-tossing contest in Kansas City, thiscute little six-year-old girl showed us how were all going to catchbird flu.
And now, its time for our Weekend Update Bitch Fight News Quiz.
[Music Over: I Know What Boys Like, The Waitresses]
[Show title graphic. Dissolve back to the Weekend Update desk]
Alright, so of course you all know how this works. I read Amy a quote,and she has to guess whether it is Lindsay Lohan talking about ParisHilton, or New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd talking aboutfellow New York Times reporter Judith Miller. Alright, ready Amy?
Amy Poehler: Yeah, lets do this! [dramatic music plays in thebackground]
Tina Fey: Alright, Quote #1: She came up and told me to get outof her seat, and it was such an outrageous move, I just had to laugh.
Amy Poehler: OK, Im gonna say thats Lindsay Lohan talking about Paris Hilton at Fashion Week. [buzzer]
Tina Fey: No, that was Maureen Dowd writing about Judith Miller,in the venerable New York Times.
Amy Poehler: OK.
Tina Fey: Quote #2: I often wonder what Evelyn Waugh or WilliamMakepeace Thackeray would have thought of her.
Amy Poehler: Uh, Maureen Down on Judith Miller? [buzzer]
Tina Fey: No. Weirdly enough, that was Lohan talking about Paris Hilton.
Amy Poehler: Wow!
Tina Fey: Shes a reader. #3: She thinks shes so great, cause she has a pink razor phone.
Tina Fey: Correct. Maureen Dowd, in an Op/Ed piece on JudithMiller. Quote #4: I hear that one time, she had sex with Moammar Kadaffi.
Amy Poehler: Wow, this one could go either way. Im gonna say,Maureen Dowd? [buzzer]
Tina Fey: No, that was a trick question. That was actually Paris Hilton, talking about Paris Hilton.
Amy Poehler: OK, she does that a lot.
[display title graphic once again]
Don Pardo V/O: This has been Weekend Updates Bitch Fight NewsQuiz. When bitches be fighting, Weekend Update is there.
Amy Poehler: Thank you, Don.
The next edition of The Real World will be shot in Detroit, aswill several cast members. [applause]
Tina Fey: A new poll shows that 66% of Americans think PresidentBush is doing a poor job of handling the war in Iraq, and the remaining34% think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church. [some applause]
Amy Poehler: This weekthis week, in honor of her passing, wecelebrate the legacy of Rosa Parks. Here to comment is our own FinesseMitchell.
[pan to Finesse; applause]
Finesse Mitchell: Yes, thank you. Thank you. Now, Rosa Parkstook a stand for all black people by sitting down at the front of thatbus. Thats why tonight, in honor of Ms. Parks, Im staging a sit-inhere at the whites-only section of Saturday Night Live, theWeekend Update desk! [Tina and Amy give Finesse strange looks] Mm-hmm, from Chevy Chase, all the way to Dennis Miller, Amy Poehler,Tina Fey, I have seen more white people sit at this desk than Ive seenshop at Abercrombie & Fitch! And I dont shop there. I shall not be moved.
People say that weve made a lot of progress since the days of RosaParks. But I say we have a long way to go. You say, But Finesse, ablack woman is now Secretary of State. Black woman? She is aRepublican, and her hobby is figure skating. She aint nothin but abuck-toothed white girl with a tan! I shall not be moved. [applause]
Now you say, But Finesse, black-owned businesses are popping up allover America. I say, go to any Magic Johnson Theatre after ten P.M.and see if you can find one row without a baby cryin in it! Just one! Now, that dont have nothin to do with black people, I just wanted tosay that. And I shall not be moved.
Now you say, But Finesse, a black man is now the CEO of AmericanExpress. Hmm. Hm-hm-hmm. [pats his forehead with a whitehandkerchief] I say, if thats true, then why dont they approve me for a damn card? Hook a brotha up, brotha! I shall not be moved!
You say, But Finesse, the government guarantees all black people theright to vote. I say, they need to guarantee us a boat! Black peoplecant float! [picture of hurricane victims huddled on top of a building] I shall not be moved! Not from this seat, not ever, not now, not today[starts to hum to himself, waving his handkerchief back and forth]
Amy Poehler: OK Finesse, um, Finesse, you- you know your guestsare here, right?
Finesse Mitchell: Dont mess with me, Amy. Dont mess with me.[starts humming again, then pauses] Who- who are you talkin about?
Amy Poehler: Oh, uh, those two models that you met at the club,theyre in your dressing room.
Finesse Mitchell: Oh yeah. [The humming softens, Finessesthoughts elsewhere. Eventually, still seated, he rolls away from thedesk. Amy waves to him]
Amy Poehler: Finesse Mitchell taking a stand, everybody. [cheersand applause]
Tina Fey: A new study finds that men who smoke are less likely to make a woman pregnant than non-smokers, especially if they smoke pole.
Amy Poehler: An eight-year-old Maryland girl has been creditedwith this years first bear kill. Though whats most disturbing is, she strangled it.
According to a report, Courtney Love dropped off her dog at a vetsoffice in the spring, and still hasnt picked him up. The dog isextremely grateful.
Tina Fey: This week, the Chicago White Sox swept the HoustonAstros in four games to win their first World Series in 88 years.[cheers and applause] Yes! Please welcome the hero of Game Two, WorldChampion Chicago White Sox left-fielder Scott Podsednik!
[pan to Scott; applause]
Scott Podsednik: Thanks, Tina and Amy. Great to be here.
Tina Fey: Thanks for being here, Scott. Am- Amy and I are sopsyched that youre here. Were huge White Sox fans from way back,cause you know, we both used to live in Chicago.
Amy Poehler: Yeah.
Scott Podsednik: Oh really? What part?
Amy Poehler: Uh, Wrigleyville.
Tina Fey: Evanston.
Amy Poehler: Yeah, so you know were hardcore Sox fans.
Scott Podseknik: Really? People from the North Side are usuallyCubs fans… and yuppies.
Tina Fey: [taken aback] What?
Amy Poehler: No! Yuppies? Were old-school die-hard Chicagoans! We used to hang out at all the gritty places.
Tina Fey: Mm-hmm. Ann Sathers bakery.
Amy Poehler: Yeah, the American Girl Store.
Tina Fey: Walgreens.
Scott Podsednik: [confused] Have you guys ever even been to theSouth Side?
Amy Poehler: Hells yeah! Were South Side all the way, yo! Iwould always, you know, just hop on the Red Line to Cominsky Field
Scott Podsednik: Uh, Amy, thats Comiskey Park, which is now U.S. Cellular Field.
Amy Poehler: I know that!
Tina Fey: I- I buy all my meats on the South Side, alright? Moo & Oink!
Tina and Amy:Moo- moo- Moo & Oink! [dancing to thecommercial jingle]
Amy Poehler: I bought my car at Celozzi-Ettelson Chevrolet!
Tina and Amy:Celozzi-Ettelson Chevrolet, where you alwayssave more money!
Tina Fey: I flew out of Midway once!
Amy Poehler: Listen, I had a bunch of friends that lived in theRobert Taylor Homes.
Scott Podsednik: Oh really, what were their names?
Scott Podsednik: Listen, if you- if you guys are Cubs fans, justadmit it.
Tina Fey: [a beat] Were Cubs fans.
Amy Poehler: Yeah, were Cubs fans.
Tina Fey: [pointing at Amy] Shes a Red Sox fan!
Amy Poehler: Shut up, Tina!
Scott Podsednik: Guys, guys, its cool. Relax. This WorldSeries win was for all the cursed teams. And it belongs to all the Ch-all the people in the Chicagoland area.
Amy Poehler: Thats right. Even Skokie?
Scott Podsednik: Even Skokie.
Tina Fey: Even Wilmette?
Scott Podsednik: Even Wilmette.
Amy Poehler: Even Schaumberg?
Scott Podsednik: No, not Schaumberg.
Amy Poehler: Yeah. World Series champion Scott Podsednik,everybody! [cheers and applause] Adorable! Look at the face on thatguy! Adorable.
On Thursday, many New Yorkers were perplexed by a strange odor all overthe city, that smelled like maple syrup. This is alarming, coming justdays after the release of the terror tape from Mrs. Butterworth.
[cut to Mrs. Butterworth, who stands in a deserted area outside a cave;applause]
Mrs. Butterworth: Mrs. Butterworth wants you to eat morepancakes. Mrs. Butterworth will not rest until the infidels are full of pancakes. Pancakes to America. PANCAKES TO AMERICA!! [shesmiles; applause]
Amy Poehler: Wow, that is- thats really chilling!
Tina Fey: I know, its just chilling, and theyll never find her.
Amy Poehler: I know, theyll never find her, and shes right over there. [points at the green screen to her left]
Tina Fey: This week, McDonalds will launch a two-day media event to tout the quality of its food, and to combat critics who say its burgers and fries are unhealthy. McDonalds says their food represents all four food groups: brown, dark brown, tan, and salty.
Tashkeel Media Group has announced an agreement with Marvel Comics tobring Arabic language comic books to Arab countries. The first to go on sale will be the Marvel classic Spider-Man vs. the Zionist Entity!
Amy Poehler: New Jersey this week announced theyre searching for a new state motto. The leading suggestion so far: New Jersey andYouWho Farted? [applause]
For Weekend Update, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[cheers and applause as Amy and Tina wave to the camera; fade]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 31: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 12th, 2005 Jason Lee Foo Fighters None Lorne Michaels HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) the Republican Party’s disarray with White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan (Jason Sudeikis), House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Amy Poehler) and Zell Miller (Will Forte). Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Nancy Pelosi, Zell Miller. Transcript
MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s absent from the episode for maternity leave. Note: Kristin Wiig joins the show as a featured performer.
Jason Lee’s MonologueSummary: Jason Lee shows a video of his skateboarding excursion with the male cast members and Lorne Michaels. Bio: Jason Lee (1970-). Actor; former professional skateboarder; made regular appearances in Kevin Smith films; current star of “My Name Is Earl” on NBC. Transcript
J.J. CasualsSummary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) promotes shoes shaped like feet, for the casual person who prefers to walk around barefoot. Note: This ad parody finally airs after being cut from the dress rehearsals of the last two episodes. Transcript
Good Morning Meth!Summary: Meth users (Jason Lee, Amy Poehler) host a 24/7 talk show while freaked out. Transcript
The FalconerSummary: A land developer (Jason Lee) makes an indecent proposal to Donald the Falcon — one night of passion for a million dollars so Falconer Ken Mortimer (Will Forte) can continue to co-exist in the forest. Recurring Characters: Ken Mortimer. Note: Jason Lee accidentally calls Will Forte “dickhead” instead of “dickweed,” then mutters “Shit” before correcting himself. Forte ad-libs that he is neither a dickweed or a dickhead.
Thomas & DobbinsSummary: Thomas & Dobbins broker (Finesse Mitchell) offers investment advice for society’s less-than-rich consumers. Transcript
The Soaking Wet KillerSummary: A couple (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiis) who seem unaware that they’ve picked up the Soaking Wet Killer (Jason Lee) on the road, give him carte blanche to break into their home and kill their niece while they’re away. Transcript
RefurbishmentsSummary: Home repair expert Tyler Presley (Jason Lee) shows hosts Mitch (Chris Parnell) and Gail (Rachel Dratch) the fine art involved in working the caulk. Transcript
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Via satellite, the French Minister of the Interior (Fred Armisen) surrenders. Donovan McNabb (Finesse Mitchell) and his mother, Wilma (Kenan Thompson), discuss the Terrell Owens controversy. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler use Barbie dolls to re-enact the Carolina Panthers cheerleader scandal. 18-year old Michael Sessions (Andy Samberg) discusses the new laws he’ll put into effect as the recently-elected Mayor of Hillsdale, Michigan. Recurring Characters: Donovan McNabb, Wilma McNabb.
Butt PregnancySummary: Guests are taken for a surprise all their own when they discover that the expectant mother (Amy Poehler) is having a butt pregnancy. Note: This sketch was replaced with the dress rehearsal sketch “I Love Pie” when the episode reran on 07/22/06. Transcript
‘Stachin’Summary: A panel discussion of the moustache-wearing lifestyle, segued by sponsorship from McNulty (Horatio Sanz) & Sons’ moustache rides. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts ReunionSummary: At a class reunion, man (Jason Lee) discovers he’s the only one of his peers who didn’t end up landing a great job.
I Love PieSummary: During lunch at the office cafeteria, Lisa (Rachel Dratch) checks to see what’s available for dessert, then sarcastically leads her co-workers in a song of celebration for the many goodies that might await them. Note: This sketch aired in place of “Butt Pregnancy” when the episode reran on 07/22/06. Transcript
TRLSummary: Britney Spears (Amy Poehler) objects when Kevin Federline (Jason Lee) comes on the show to promote his new single. Recurring Characters: Britney Spears, Kevin Federline.
The HeistSummary: Criminal agent (Horatio Sanz) can’t seem to unlock a door during a heist.
Midnight MagicSummary: Prisoner Gary White (Kenan Thompson) hosts a talk show with his parole officer (Jason Lee).
Vera Singer…..Rachel Dratch Party Guest #1…..Tina Fey Party Guest #2…..Kirsten Wiig Mr. Singer…..Chris Parnell Tammy’s Husband…..Jason Lee Tammy…..Amy Poehler
[open on exterior of suburban home]
[fade to interior, with party decorations and many guests, including a middle aged couple sitting on the couch]
Vera Singer: I can’t believe my Tammy’s having a baby!
Party Guest #1: I know. When was the last time you saw her?
Vera Singer: Oh, it’s been a few months. I just can’t wait!
Party Guest #2: Mr. Singer, are you so excited about being a grandfather?
Mr. Singer: Absolutely! We flew in all the way from Charlotte for this shower. They don’t even know we’re here.
Party Guest #2: Oh! I see their car!
[everybody hides, except for Tammy’s parents who remain on the couch]
[Tammy and her husband enter]
Tammy’s Husband: I like the name Pete.
Tammy: I don’t know. I think Pete sounds like a mechanic’s name.
All: [jumping and shouting] Surprise!
Tammy: Oh, my God! Oh! Was this your idea?
Party Guest #2: Yes! Look at you, Tammy, you’re not even showing!
Tammy: Oh, I, um, well, are you kidding? I’m due any day now. I’m showing right here, though. [she turns her slender tummy away and she rubs her buttocks, which is enormous] Mom! Dad! Oh, my God! [she rushes over to hug them] You didn’t tell me you were coming!
Mr. Singer: It was a surprise. Are you feeling all right?
Tammy: Yeah. Yeah, everything’s fine.
Mr. Singer: Good to see you, Mr. Singer. [shakes his hand]
Tammy: I know I’m carrying a little low, but everything’s fine.
Tammy’s Husband: Yeah, the baby’s doing great, Tammy’s doing great. Yeah, the doctor said the baby’s just in an unusual position. He had some term for it.
Mr. Singer: What was it?
Tammy’s Husband: What was it, honey?
Tammy: A butt pregnancy. I’m pregnant in my butt.
Party Guest #2: You’re pregnant in your butt?
Tammy’s Husband: We have no idea how it happened. It’s a fluke, really. It’s actually really common.
Party Guest #1: [scrunching up her face] No, it’s not.
Mr. Singer: But everything’s good?
Tammy: Oh, yeah. The doctor says a butt pregnancy is actually easier when it comes to delivery. So, you know, that’s good.
[Tammy’s parents nod tightly]
Mr. Singer: And, how did it happen again?
Tammy’s Husband: No idea. Couldn’t even begin to guess.
Party Guest #2: Um, well, let’s open presents.
Vera Singer: Oh, Tammy, you get the seat of honor!
Tammy: Okay. All right. Let’s see. Here we go. Oh, boy.
[Tammy walks across to a decorated chair, which she mounts on her knees, facing the back]
Vera Singer: Oh, are you comfortable like that?
Tammy: Oh, yeah, Mom. I’m used to this position.
Tammy’s Husband: We just feel so blessed. I mean, we weren’t even trying to get pregnant.
Mr. Singer: [tersely] Obviously.
Tammy’s Husband: Oh, I have ultrasound pictures! [unfolds a piece of paper and shows it to second party guest] Let’s see, uh, oh! There’s the head, and there’s a foot.
Vera Singer: I just don’t understand how this could happen.
Tammy: Come on, Mom, you had two kids.
Mr. Singer: Not like that.
Tammy: Yeah, well, the doctor says the baby’s perfectly healthy.
Tammy’s Husband: And that butt pregnancies happen all the time.
Party Guest #1: No, they don’t.
Tammy’s Husband: How do you know?
Party Guest #1: I’m a doctor.
Tammy: Oh! Oh! The baby’s kicking! Feel it, honey.
[Tammy’s husband walks over to her and places his palm firmly on Tammy’s left buttock]
Tammy’s Husband: You’ve got to feel this, Mrs. Singer.
Vera Singer: Oh, okay. [tentatively places her hand grazingly on Tammy’s buttock]
Tammy: Come on, Mom, you barely touched it! [grabs her mother’s hand and presses it more firmly onto her buttock]
Vera Singer: Oh, okay! I felt it! [withdraws her hand]
Tammy: Did you feel it? Dad, you feel it!
Mr. Singer: No, thank you.
Tammy’s Husband: The baby kicks all the time.
Tammy: Yeah, if I have too much sugar, my butt goes crazy.
Tammy’s Husband: [laughing] You should see. It’s like those girls in those rap videos.
[Tammy and her husband both do “The Butt”]
Party Guest #2: Are you planning a natural birth?
Mr. Singer: It’s too late for that!
Vera Singer: I’m still confused.
Mr. Singer: Vera, I’ll explain it in the car.
Tammy: You know, we wanted to do a water birth, but we couldn’t find a pool that would let us.
Mr. Singer: Well, honey, whatever comes out of your behind, I will love it.
Tammy’s Husband: It’s amazing, isn’t it? I mean, all that keeps going through my head is that there’s a little miracle up in here.
[Tammy’s husband tenderly rubs her butt as her leans towards her and smiles]
[scene freezes]
Announcer: [voice over] And that baby grew up to be “Saturday Night Live”‘s Will Forte.
[dissolve to Will Forte waving happily from the musical stage before exiting stage left]
Gail…..Rachel Dratch Mitch…..Chris Parnell Peter…..Fred Armisen Tyler…..Jason Lee
[ open on title card ]
[ dissolve to studio set, hosts Mitch and Gail standing behind a work bench with Peter, who’s holding a frame ]
Mitch: Welcome back to “Refurbishments.” We want to thank Peter for showing us how to make an old frame look new again.
Gail: Peter, you really pulled off all the stops on us.
Peter: Well, I wish we could have finished it. [ exits ]
Mitch: Well, we do, too.
Gail: We certainly do. What’s up next, Mitch?
Mitch: Tyler Presley will be showing you how to winterize your homes.
Gail: Already? It seems like we just did our Summer wicker show.
Mitch: I know, it does! Let’s take a walk over to Tylertown, and see what he’s got in store.
[ Mitch and Gail approach Tyler further down the set ]
Tyler: You two ready to winterize?
Mitch: Absolutely.
Gail: Now Tyler, what’s that you got there?
Tyler: Oh, this is a caulking gun. It is the most essential tool in keeping the cold out of your home.
Mitch: I think we’re about to have some fun.
Gail: [ chuckles ] Well, Tyler, walk us through this.
Tyler: Sure thing. Winter air gets into your home through all sorts of little openings and cracks in your windows and door frames.
Gail: Hmm.
Tyler: So what you need to do is take your caulking gun and place a thin bead all along the crack. Like this. [ demonstrates ]
Gail: Okay. So Tyler, what you’re doing – and this is for the audience at home – you’re filling that crack up with caulk?
Tyler: That’s right.
Mitch: Okay. So I put my caulk in the crack, I’m standing there – now what do I do?
Tyler: Well, that’s a common question. Watch. I’m going to use a little bit of pressure and work the caulk into the crack with my index finger. [ demonstrates ]
Gail: Oh, You make it seem so easy. Wow, any time I’m around caulk it’s a recipe for disaster.
Mitch: It’s true. I’ve known Gail for a long time and she cannot handle caulk. But, me, I love caulk. Always have. It’s amazing.
Gail: So, how do we know when it’s hard, the caulk?
Tyler: Oh, you’ll know just by looking at it.
Mitch: Does blowing on it help?
Tyler: Can’t hurt.
Gail: You know, Tyler, it looks like you’ve used too much there.
Mitch: Oh, you can never have too much caulk.
Mitch: I agree. When it comes to caulk, I’m like, bring it on.
Gail: So Tyler, tell me, what do we have over here in this area?
Tyler: Well, so far we’ve worked with white caulk, but what if you’re working with different color tiles like black tiles in a black bathroom?
Mitch: I’m guessing you’re going to use black caulk.
Tyler: You got it. You see, caulk comes in a variety of different shades.
Mitch: Now, is black caulk hard to find? Because I have a black bathroom. And I’ve spent one entire weekend trying to locate some black caulk. I was on the phone, the internet. I was doing everything, short of marching up and down the boulevard, screaming at the top of my lungs: “Does anybody know where I can get my hands on some black caulk?!”
Tyler: Did you try Home Depot?
Mitch: I did not.
Gail: Well, I think I’ve had my fill of caulk for one day
Mitch: Thank you, Tyler, for exposing us to the wonders of caulk. When we come back, Gail and I are going to show how how to trim your bush.
[ Mitch and Gail each reach below the counter and pull up a pair of bushes in need of trimming, Gail’s bush needing a trim much more than Mitch’s ]
Gail: I know mine needs a good trim.
Mitch: Your bush is way out of control. [ to the audience ] We’ll be right back.
[ open on 1% vs 40% graphic, the 1% figure grows in stature above the 40% figure ]
Broker V/O: This year, the top 1% of the population will earn more than the bottom 40% combined. But that doesn’t mean the bottm 40% doesn’t need financial planning.
[ dissolve to Broker in the Thomas & Dobbins office ]
Broker: At Thomas and Dobbins, we specialize in money management for people of a lower income. And we’re making success stories every day.
[ cut to Kim Barefoot, Carnival Concessions Assisitant, delivering testimonial in her kitchen ]
Kim: Look, I’m about as far away from a millionaire as you can get. But a Dobbins broker took the time to work with me, to achieve my long-term goals.
[ dissolve to Kim in the office looking over portfolios with her Broker ]
Broker V/O: We discussed many investment options with Kim that fit her financial profile, including bingo, plasma donation, and commemorative plates. After going over a thorough analysis, we finally agreed to go with the lottery.
[ dissolve to Broker standing before a pie chart of Kim’s financial possibilities ]
Broker V/O: Our first rule is: diversify. So, for Kim’s portfolio, we put 33% in “Pick 4,” 33% in “Pick 6,” and the rest in Scratch-offs.
[ cut to Kim testimonial in her kitchen ]
Kim: After the beanie baby crash of 1996, I did not know where to turn. But Thomas and Dobbins put me at ease right away. Their experienced professionals showed me how to wait until the Jackpot hit top dollar. And their research department helped me verify which one of my numbers was the luckiest.
[ cut to Broker sitting in his office ]
Broker: So don’t let the rich guys be the only ones getting financial advice. Come by Thomas and Dobbins’ offices today. We are accessible from all bus routes, and we’ve even got snacks in our lobby. They’re free!
[ cut to Kim testimonial in her kitchen ]
Kim: I have a plan now. I’m going to show my Mama she was wrong about me.
[ cut to Broker sitting in his office ]
Broker: When other people say “No..” [ cut to close-up ] We say “Maybe.”
[ cut to product graphic ]
Announcer: Thomas and Dobbins – investment advice for the rest of us.
Chris Matthews…..Darrel Hammond Scott McClellan…..Jason Sudeikis Nancy Pelosi…..Amy Poehler Zell Miller…..Will Forte
[ opening graphics for “Hardball” ]
[ dissolve to Chris Matthews leaning into his desk ]
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball,” I’m Chris Matthews. President Bush just wrapped up a tour of South America, or, as he calls it, “the world’s dirtiest Taco Bell.”
[ tag: “Republicans In Turmoil” ]
He then comes home to a whole slew of scandals. And you have to admit, the Republican party has its hands full. Between the CIA leak, the secret eastern European torture prisons and the recent election defeats in Virginia and New Jersey, I haven’t seen a party in this much disarray since the capsizing of Tara Reid’s 30th birthday Booze Cruise. Is the honeymoon over for the GOP, or will the Democrats find a way to screw the pooch this time, as well? Joining us is White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. Scott, how you doing?
[ tag: “Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary” ]
Scott McClellan: [ nervous, disjointed ] I’m doing fine. Why wouldn’t I be fine? You know, what are you trying to say?
Chris Matthews: I’ve got to say, Secretary McClellan, I have been watching your press conference, and you look as lost as a dyslexic kid at a spelling bee. This week, Vice President Cheney has been campaigning to exempt the CIA from certain Geneva convention rules regarding the interrogation of prisoners. Is this the administration’s way of passively endorsing torture or what?
Scott McClellan: [ furiously wiping his brow the entire time he speaks ] Chris, I can’t comment on our ongoing efforts to protect the American people, as they are ongoing. Likewise, we can’t comment on efforts that were, at one time, ongoing and have now ceased to be ongoing. Or efforts that are ongoing that will stop being ongoing. Then at a later date will continue to be ongoing. It’s just something I can’t comment on. Is that it? Am I done? Can I go? [ starts to get up to leave ]
Chris Matthews: Good gravy. You’re about as sweaty as the bicycle seat in Caroline Rhea’s spin class. How about Scooter Libby? Will the President issue him a pardon, or what?
Scott McClellan: Look, this is an ongoing investigation, and, as such, I will not comment or speculate as to what the President may or may not do!
Chris Matthews: So that’s a no?
Scott McClellan: I cannot comment. Ongoing.
Chris Matthews: So that’s a yes?
Scott McClellan: Ongoing.
Chris Matthews: Is there anything you can comment on?
Scott McClellan: Of course, Chris, of course. I can’t comment on things that are nongoing or never have gone or things that won’t go. [ ] Is there air conditioning I can turn on here somewhere?
Chris Matthews: Good lord, McClellan, I haven’t seen fluid shoot out of a guy like that since I took a boat ride with the Minnesota Vikings. [ audience applauds wildly ] As Republicans dig themselves deeper and deeper into a political hole, one question remains – what are the Democrats planning to do in order to blow it? Here to offer her two cents is House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi.
[ tag: “Nancy Pelosi, House Minority Leader” ]
Nancy Pelosi: It’s nice to be here.
Chris Matthews: Nah, it’s not. Miss Pelosi, the Bush administration is in turmoil, top Republican leaders are under indictment, and the Vice President’s top priority seems to be getting the go-ahead to attach a car battery to a man’s nipples. Yet, despite all this, the Democrats have stayed relatively quiet. What are the Democrats proposing to counteract all this corruption?
Nancy Pelosi: That’s easy, Chris. We’re going to do nothing.
Chris Matthews: You’re going to do nothing?
Nancy Pelosi: That’s right. And here’s why. We’ve learned that whenever we do anything, people hate us. In fact, our studies have shown that John Kerry would have won in a landslide if he just never said or did anything, ever.
Chris Matthews: I gotta say, I like your style.
Nancy Pelosi: It’s not like we still don’t have ideas, Chris, we do. It’s just that when we have something to say, we record it on tape, put those tapes in a box and we put that box in the garbage. It’s really working for us.
Chris Matthews: Joining us now to provide a historical perspective on the issue of torture is former Senator and current danger to himself, Zell Miller. Go!
[ tag: “Zell Miller, Former Senator/Fox News Correspondent ]
Zell Miller: [ screaming ] Torture! Ahhh, fooie! Where I come from, if we wanted to get a man to talk, we had our waaaays! And I ain’t gonna say what them ways was, but suffice it to say, that nearly all of them involve blacksmithing tools and the genitals. I got neeews for you, Matthewwws! If it wasn’t for doing weird stuff to a man’s genitals, we’d all be speaking Korean right now!
Chris Matthews: You’ve done it again. Final thoughts, Horshack!
Scott McClellan: [ confused ] Horshack? I don’t get it.
Chris Matthews: He was a Sweathog.
Scott McClellan: [ the lightbulb in his head clicks ] Oh, I get it. Nice. Nice.
Chris Matthews: Alright. Anything you care to not comment on?
Scott McClellan: [ wiping his brow ] Well, I’d rather not comment at this time, as time, as a very concept, is ongoing.
Chris Matthews: Nancy Pelosi, anything to add to McClellan’s no comment?
[ cut to Nancy, who mimes zipping her lip and grinning ]
Chris Matthews: Zell Miller, don’t let me down.
Zell Miller: You put me in a roooom with an Al-Quaidaaa, a pair of pliers and a sack full of doorknobs, and I’ll get you what you need! I have ways of making a man talk, Matthews! And one of them is: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday night!”
Jack Johnson…..Andy Samburg Maitre’d…..Bill Hader Husband…..Will Forte Wife…..Rachel Dratch
Jack Johnson: Hi! I’m mellow pop-folk singer Jack Johnson. I like to keep it super casual. That’s why I always go barefoot. But sometimes there are places you can’t go without shoes.
[ cut to Husband and Wife at restaurant ]
Husband: Table for two, please.
[ Maitre’D looks down and sees barefeet ]
Maitre’D: I’m sorry, sir…we can not serve you without shoes.
[ Husband looks at wife looking suprised ]
[ cut back to Jack Johnson ]
Jack Johnson: That’s why I invented a new kind of shoe for the laid back lifestyle. [ he holds up a pair of JJ Casuals ] JJ Casuals.
[ sings ]
“Keep it casual, whatever. Keep it natural, with shoes that look like feet. Things get hectic but don’t sweat it Keep it JJ Casuals. Mmm mmm, do you like to keep it mellow? Can you dig it? Shoes that look like feet.”
[ Husband and Wife go back to restaurant ]
Maitre’D: I’ve told you, we cannot serve you without shoes.
Wife: But he is wearing shoes.
[ Maitre’D looks down ]
Maitre’D: Oh, JJ Casuals. My apologies, sir. Right this way.
Jack Johnson V/O: [ sings ] “JJ Casuals. Shoes that look like feet.”
Air Date:
Summary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) the Republican Party’s disarray with White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan (Jason Sudeikis), House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Amy Poehler) and Zell Miller (Will Forte).
Summary: Jason Lee shows a video of his skateboarding excursion with the male cast members and Lorne Michaels.
Summary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) promotes shoes shaped like feet, for the casual person who prefers to walk around barefoot.
Summary: Meth users (Jason Lee, Amy Poehler) host a 24/7 talk show while freaked out.
Summary: A land developer (Jason Lee) makes an indecent proposal to Donald the Falcon — one night of passion for a million dollars so Falconer Ken Mortimer (Will Forte) can continue to co-exist in the forest.
Summary: Thomas & Dobbins broker (Finesse Mitchell) offers investment advice for society’s less-than-rich consumers.
Summary: A couple (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiis) who seem unaware that they’ve picked up the Soaking Wet Killer (Jason Lee) on the road, give him carte blanche to break into their home and kill their niece while they’re away.
Summary: Home repair expert Tyler Presley (Jason Lee) shows hosts Mitch (Chris Parnell) and Gail (Rachel Dratch) the fine art involved in working the caulk.
First Performed: 
Summary: Via satellite, the French Minister of the Interior (Fred Armisen) surrenders. Donovan McNabb (Finesse Mitchell) and his mother, Wilma (Kenan Thompson), discuss the Terrell Owens controversy. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler use Barbie dolls to re-enact the Carolina Panthers cheerleader scandal. 18-year old Michael Sessions (Andy Samberg) discusses the new laws he’ll put into effect as the recently-elected Mayor of Hillsdale, Michigan.
Summary: A panel discussion of the moustache-wearing lifestyle, segued by sponsorship from McNulty (Horatio Sanz) & Sons’ moustache rides.
Summary: At American Taser, there’s a taser for everyone and every occasion.
Summary: During lunch at the office cafeteria, Lisa (Rachel Dratch) checks to see what’s available for dessert, then sarcastically leads her co-workers in a song of celebration for the many goodies that might await them.
