Category: 2005

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

Good Morning Meth!

Chorus…..Amy Poehler, Will Forte
Ronald…..Jason Lee
Patti…..Any Poehler
Renell Williams…..Kenan Thompson
Keith…..Will Forte
JJ…..Bill Hader
Shirtless guy…..Jason Sudeikis

[Fade up on a shack in the middle of a dirt road. As the “Good MorningMeth” logo fades in, the theme song plays]

Chorus: It’s sweeping the nation!
It’s sweeping the nation!
From Eulenberg County to the Great Northwest,
Everybody’s doing that crystal meth!

[Dissolve to the living room, as Ronald, seated on a couch, is shakingin all directions. Regardless, he still has a wide smile as headdresses the camera]

Ronald: [quickly] Hey everybody! Welcome back to “Good MorningMeth,” the only talk show dedicated to crystal meth and the methlifestyle. Used to be a morning show, then it turned into amorning-and-afternoon show, then it turned into amorning-afternoon-and-evening show! Now we just leave the cameras onall the time, ‘cause we don’t sleep, y’all!

Patti: [offscreen] Introduce me!

Ronald: Uh, I want to introduce my cohost—

Patti: Whoo!

[Shot widens to include Patti, whose bare feet rest comfortably on thetable in front of her. A shirtless guy is hunched over the corner ofthe couch, next to her, and he doesn’t move]

Ronald: She- she’s my girlfriend, the mother of my kids, and acouple other kids, and she also enjoys crank. Please welcome Patti!

Patti: [suddenly speaking in a cheery morning-show voice]Heeyyyyy! Good morning! [rubs her hands on her shirt]

Ronald: Over the last four years, we’ve met people from all walksof life, uh, who enjoy grinding up asthma medicine, boiling it inkerosene and ingesting it.

Patti: I enjoy it because it makes me feel positive, confident,and sexy! [Patti has several burn marks on her face, and hercrooked teeth force her to speak with a lisp]

Ronald: Our next guest does it for gay reasons. Please welcomeRenell Williams!

Patti: Whoo!

[Ronald stands, and as Renell enters, both shake each other vigorously. Meanwhile, Patti stands up, turns around in a circle, and sits backdown again]

Renell Williams: I can’t stay long, you guys. I have a friend inthe car, and he needs to get to the emergency room.

Ronald: Who doesn’t, Renell? So, why do you enjoy ice?

Renell Williams: Well, meth helps me with my social anxietydisorder. You see, when I’m on meth, I can do sex with people that if Iwere not on meth I would never do it with because they aredisgusting.

Patti: I use it to help control my weight problem. I mean, lookat me six months ago!

[Cut to a photo of Patti from six months ago. She looks just fine]

Ugh, disgusting!

Ronald: And I take it to unwind before a long day of school busdriving.

Patti: Whoo!

Renell Williams: You know, actually, I am in the process ofquitting, ‘cause I don’t wanna lose my teeth, because people have alwaystold me that my teeth are my strong suit. [smiles to show four teethwith large gaps between them]

And also, sometimes when you’re tweakin,’ and you’re doin’ it withpeople, they try to kill you!

Ronald: Renell, that is just—that is just anti-meth propaganda. I’ve only seen that happen four or five times.

[Keith enters, running a loud vacuum cleaner behind the couch]

NOT NOW, KEITH!

Keith: THEN WHEN?

Ronald: NOT NOW, YOU CAN’T—

Keith: THEN WHEN??

Ronald: YOU CAN’T VACUUM RIGHT NOW!!

Patti: [screaming] DON’T VACUUM NOW, KEITH!! LATER!! LATER!!

[Keith drops the handle to the vacuum cleaner, but it continues to run. Patti firmly puts her hands over her ears]

Ronald: That’s Keith. He used to be an accountant, but now,thanks to meth, he can take a VCR apart in six minutes for no reason! He’s gonna be back later showin’ us how to take VCRs apart for noreason. Now it’s time for “In the Kitchen With Patti.”

Patti: Whoo!

[Patti jumps up and runs offscreen. Cut to the kitchen, asstereotypical 1950s homemaking music plays. JJ stands, motionless,smiling and pointing to several bottles in front of him. Patti crashesinto JJ. The vacuum cleaner can still be heard]

Hey! KEITH, NOT NOW WITH THE VACUUM!!

Keith: [offscreen] THEN WHEN??

Patti: NO!!! [The vacuum cleaner shuts off. Remembering thecamera’s on her, Patti speaks in a morning-show voice again] Hello. Ron- Ronald, I’m here with my friend JJ. He’s gonna show us someholiday meth pipes. How you doin’ today, JJ?

JJ: I rule this town, I rule!

[JJ and Patti laugh rapidly]

Patti: That is true, ‘cause until recently, JJ was the mayor…OK JJ, tell us what you got here. It all smells so good!

[As JJ speaks, Patti responds with a barrage of nonstop “Uh-huh”s]

JJ: Well I took some Pert Plus, sautéed it with some, uh,Sudafed, strained it through this adult diaper, and it comes out as apaste.

Patti: When’s it gonna be ready?

JJ: Approximately 48 hours!

Patti: OK, I’m gonna wait right here! Back to you, Ronald!

[Patti lets out a loud, happy sigh as she inhales the fumes. Cut backto the couch, as Ronald stares nervously into the camera]

Ronald: [whispering] I can’t talk right now because the shadowpeople are right behind the couch, and they’re tryin’ to find my address…

[Cut back to the kitchen. JJ and Patti are both clearly frightened, astheir lips quiver uncontrollably. Cut back to the couch]

Renell Williams: See now, this paranoia I will not miss. Iwill miss having four days of nonstop unprotected intercoursewith strangers at the Pentaround Parkway rest stop, OK?

[Renell grins again. Keith reenters with his vacuum cleaner]

Ronald: NOT NOW, KEITH!!

Keith: THEN WHEN??

Ronald: THE SHOW’S ON, YOU CAN’T VACUUM RIGHT NOW!!

Keith: THEN WHEN?? I GOTTA RUN THE VACUUM ON THAT RUG!!

[Ronald calms down]

Ronald: Coming up in the next nine hours, I’m gonna stabsomebody, and maybe we’ll find out who this guy is!

[He points to the shirtless guy. That guy suddenly jumps up, makesseveral karate chops, and runs out of the room. Cut to an outdoor shotof the shack, which suddenly explodes. The theme music plays again asthe show’s logo appears]

Ronald V/O: Uh-oh. This don’t look right.

[cheers and applause; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

Jason Lee’s Monologue

…..Jason Lee

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Jason Lee.

Jason Lee: Thank you very much! [ audience cheers ] Yes! Thank you, thank you very much! It’s great to be here tonight! A lot of you may know me from my new show: “My Name Is Earl.” [ audience cheers louder ] But what some of you may not know about me is that, before I set out to grow one of the most powerful moustaches in television history, I was actually a professional skateboarder. Here, take a look.

[ cut to video clips, which open on a close-up of a clean-shaven Jason Lee, then rapidly cut to him performing various skateboarding tricks ]

Jason Lee V/O: See, that’s me, back in the day, in the classic skate video, “1991’s Video Days.”

[ audience applauds as the video dissolves back to Jason Lee at Home Base ]

Jason Lee: Thank you. When I got here, I thought, “What better way to get to know the guys than to take them out skateboarding.” They were really enthusiastic, and it was a lot of fun.

[ dissolve to the video of the day’s excursion, Jason already performing some skateboarding tricks on various high ramps ]

Jason Lee V/O: There I am at Riverside Skate Park, right here in New York City.

[ cut to Jason looking up at Fred Armisen, posed atop the skateboarding ramp ]

Jason Lee V/O: Okay, first up was Fred. I offered to give him pointers, but he didn’t want them.

[ Fred glides down the ramp. Cut to reveal his mangled body lying flat on the ground. ]

Jason Lee V/O: I didn’t know arms could bend that way.

[ cut to Andy Samberg posed before a metal bar separating two ramps ]

Jason Lee V/O: There’s my man, Andy Samberg, the new guy. Promising young kid.

[ Andy jumps his skateboard into the air, then lands on his crotch on a metal bar by the steps ]

Jason Lee V/O: He almost had it.

[ cut to Kenan Thompson gliding across the concrete on his skateboard ]

Jason Lee V/O: Here we have Kenan. He was such a good sport.

[ Kenan rolls his skateboard through a brick wall covered in grafitti. Finesse Mitchell reacts by removing his helmet and walking away from the action. ]

Jason Lee V/O: Weirdly, after that, Finesse wasn’t so into skateboarding.

[ cut to Horatio Sanz standing next to Jason in front of a huge skateboarding ramp ]

Jason Lee V/O: Horatio Sanz. Most people think a big guy like that can’t be a good skater.

[ Horatio glides toward the ramp, then quick cuts of his body falling back and the skateboard flying through the air ]

[ Horatio steps back to Jason, with the skateboard pierced from his back to his stomach ]

Jason Lee V/O: Well, they might be right.

[ cut to Lorne Michaels approaching Jason ]

Jason Lee V/O: Believe it or not, even Lorne showed up. He said he used to skate pools in the ’70s. So I asked if he wanted to give it a shot.

[ Lorne appears relunctant at first, then coolly accepts the skateboard from Jason’s hands ]

[ naturally, Lorne can skate circles around his cast, performing jumps across ramps and spinning through mid-air with powerful precision ]

[ cut to Lorne casually returning the skateboard to Jason ]

Jason Lee V/O: He was pretty good.

[ dissolve back to Jason Lee at Home Base ]

Jason Lee: Well, we had a great time skating, and we’re going to have even more fun tonight. Foo Fighters are here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

Foo Fighters perform “DOA”

…..Jason Lee
…..Foo Fighters

Jason Lee: Ladies and gentlemen – Foo Fighters.

Foo Fighters:
“Oh, you know I did it
It’s over and I feel fine
Nothing you could say is gonna change my mind
Waiting and I wait at the longest night
Nothing like the taste to sweet decline.

I was down, I fell, I fell so fast
Dropping like the grains in an hourglass
Never say forever ’cause nothing lasts
Dancing with the bones of my buried past.

Never mind, there’s nothing I can do
Bet your life there’s something killing you.

It’s a shame we have to die, my dear
No one’s getting out of here, alive
This time.

What a way to go, they have no fear
No one’s getting out of here, alive
This time.

Finished, I’m getting you off my chest
Made you come clean in a dirty dress
A promise is a promise you kept in check
Heart across a heart that beats its best.

Take a good hard look for the very last time
The very last one in a very long line
Only took a second to say goodbye
Been a pleasure but the pleasure’s been mine
All mine.

Never mind, there’s nothing I can do
Bet your life there’s something killing you.

It’s a shame we have to disappear
No one’s getting out of here, alive
This time.

What a way to go, they have no fear
No one’s getting out of here, alive
This time, Oh, yeah!

Ain’t no way, DOA
Ain’t no way, DOA.

Take a good hard look for the very last time
The very last one in a very long line
Only took a second to say goodbye
Been a pleasure but the pleasure’s been mine
All mine.

Never mind, there’s nothing I can do
Bet your life there’s something killing you.

It’s a shame we have to disappear
No one’s getting out of here, alive
This time.

What a way to go, they have no fear
No one’s getting out of here, alive
This time.

It’s a shame we have to disappear
No one’s getting out of here, alive
This time
This time
This time
Oh, yeahhh!”

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

Foo Fighters perform “Best of You”

…..Jason Lee
…..Foo Fighters

Jason Lee: Once again – Foo Fighters.

Foo Fighters:
“I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you.

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse.

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh…

[ break ]

Oh.. oh.. oh.. oh..

Has someone taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess.

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession, my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new.

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse.

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Ohhh!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

I Love Pie

Ted…..Jason Lee
Brad…..Will Forte
Phil Brook…..Kenan Thompson
Lisa…..Rachel Dratch
Cheryl…..Amy Poehler
Bill…..Bill Hader
Fred…..Fred Armisen

[ open on employees sitting at two different tables in the office lunch room ]

Ted: I’m gonna need to really up my numbers this month to stay on Phil Brook’s good side. [ glances at the man sitting next to him, who smirks back ]

Brad: I didn’t know Phil Brook had a good side.

Phil Brook: [ chuckles along with Brad ] Oh, you know what, Brad, Ted? If you guys could remember to get your feedback slips into Human Resources by Friday, I’d really appreciate it.

Lisa: Hey, I’m gonna go check on the dessert table – anyone want anything?

Ted: No, but tell us what they have, Lisa.

[ Lisa exits towards the back of the room ]

Cheryl: [ leans over from the next table ] Hey, Brad? Could you be sure to order me another stapler? I really need it to staple my papers together.

Brad: [ smiles ] I’m on the case, Cheryl.

[ Lisa re-enters, her face beaming with excitement ]

Ted: Well, what’d they have?

[ Lisa break into a song, as the lunch room lights dim and a colorful pastel of lights pots up in its place ]

Lisa:
“There were brownies and sweets, of all shapes and sizes
And cookies, as big as your head!
There were tubs of ice cream, and many surprises
And even some cream pie for Ted!”

Ted: [ singing ] “I love pi-i-i-i-i-eeee!”

Lisa:
“There was butt-er-scotch pudding, with a touch of whipped cream
And strawberry shortcake –“

Brad: It sounds like a dream!

Lisa:
“And the cake. Oh, the ca-a-a-a-ake
Gather ’round, for the cake.”

[ Cheryl and Bill join the circle of co-workers at the main table ]

Lisa: “There was chocolate cream layer, and coconut, too –“

Bill: “Were there kosher cakes, also, if I were a Jew?”

Lisa: “Lemon, banana, and chocolate eclair!”

Cheryl: “The talk of des-sert. Makes me. Ting-le. Down. Therrrrrrrre!!”

[ Bill gives her an odd look ]

Cheryl: In my stomach! [ swats Bill for thinking such impure thoughts ] God.

Lisa:
“There were candy apples, so sticky and sweet
Blueberry crumble, and Rice Krispie treats!”

[ Fred joins the group ]

Fred: “Was there App-le Brown Bet-ty?”

Lisa: “I don’t know what that is!”

Phil Brook: Was there rasp-ber-ry streu-del, like when. I. Was. A. Ki-i-i-i-i-idddd? [ dramatic rest ]

Cheryl: “Was there tiramisu, or sweet creme brulee?”

Bill: “Or passion fruit pineapple-mango sorbet!”

Ted:
“And was there flaaaan? [ stands ]
Oh, was there flaaaan? [ takes Lisa’s hands ]
Was there sweet and creamy, slippery, dreamy flaaaan?”

Lisa: “Yes, Ted. There. Was –“

Together: “Flaaaaaaannnnn.”

[ one by one, everyone props their foot on their chair ]

Brad: “Could this really be true?”

Phil Brook: “Am I feeling this joy?”

Ted: “I haven’t felt like this, since I was a boy.”

Cheryl, Brad, Fred: “My life just got better, I’m no longer blue!”

All: “Oh Lisa, oh Lisa, is all of it true?”

[ everyone stands fully on their chairs, with trays raised to the sky ]

All: “?? some pies, and a layer cake, tooooooooo??!!”

[ dramatic pause ]

Lisa: No, you dumbasses! It’s oatmeal cookies and fruit cocktail, same as every day! [ blows them all a raspberry, then sits and leafs through a magazine ]

[ the dull lunch room lights pot back up, as everyone sullenly takes their seat at the table ]

All: [ droning lower and lower ] “Brown-ies and sweets.. of all shapes and size-es..”

Fred: Well. At least we can look out at that.. nice tree out there.

[ they all look outside the window, as a chain saw roars and the tree comes crashing down ]

[ defeated, everyone slumps in their seats ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

Stashin’

Douglas Firth…..Seth Meyers
Deb Porter…..Rachel Dratch
Richard Hard…..Jason Lee
Gary Packer…..Chris Parnell
Clint Haverwood…..Fred Armisen
Vincent Vanderbone…..Bill Hader
Tony “The Wiener” McNamara…..Will Forte
Buford McNulty…..Horatio Sanz
Grandson 1…..Jason Sudeikis
Grandson 2…..Andy Sandberg

(Whistling theme music, display of photos with famouspeople and their moustaches: Burt Reynolds, Hulk Hogan,John Waters, The Mario Bros. Mario and Luigi, RobReiner, Steve Harvey, Yanni. Show´s logo: “‘Stachin'”, bighandlebar underneath. Host sits with his guests,various kinds of moustaches hang from the walls.Douglas is in a suit and tie, has big curly moustache)

Douglas Firth: Welcome to ‘Stachin’. The show thatcelebrates America´s favorite facial hair, themoustache. I´m Douglas Firth and we got a great showfor you today. Let´s meet our panel. Adult film star,Richard Hard.

(Richard has loud, half bottomed Hawaiian shirt, perm, big moustache)

Richard Hard: Yo´.

Douglas Firth: Health club counter worker, Deb Porter.

(Deb has light but noticeable moustache)

Deb Porter: Thanks for having me.

Douglas Firth: And entrepreneur, Gary Packer.

(Gary has little Hitler-looking moustache)

Gary Packer: Good to be here.

Douglas Firth: Now Richard you are on a bit of a crusade. Tell us about it.

Richard Hard: Well, I noticed a disturbing trend inthe adult entertainment industry. (Caption: “RichardHard. Adult Film Star”) Of course, I´m talking about thealarming decrease of moustaches. In my day actors hadmoustaches and with those moustaches came class, dignityand nobility. I´m talking about men like ClintHaverwood (Photo of horny looking moustached Clint),Vincent Vanderbone (Photo of another moustached hornylooking actor), Tony “The Wiener” McNamara. (Photo ofTony in mid-orgasm, eyes rolled in the back of hishead). When you take the moustaches out of the pornmovies, all that´s left is sex. And let´s be honest,no one watches pornos for sex!People want moustaches,”WA-WA” guitar and scenes with pizza delivery men.That´s porno! That´s America!

Douglas Firth: Controversial stance. Now Deb, obviously you must feel pretty strongly about moustaches.

Deb Porter: What gave me away? (laughs) I guess I should explain why I´m here on ‘Stachin’. (Caption: “Deb Porter. Health Club Worker”) I just love a man with a moustache.

Douglas Firth: And when did you grow yours?

(Deb oblivious)

Deb Porter: Umm, I don´t know if I ever grew an affection for moustaches on men. I just think I was just born with it. (Giggles)

Douglas Firth: But what about your moustache?

Deb Porter: My own perfect moustache? Hmm, I love a man with a Magnum P.I.

Richard Hard: No, you have a moustache.

Deb Porter: A thing for moustaches? Guilty! (Laughs)

Richard Hard: (points) No, there´s a moustache on your face!

Deb Porter: Not now there isn´t but if you and I were smooching there would be! So lay it on me! (Leans towards Richard, Richard a little worried, curious look on Douglas)

Douglas Firth: Well, while we try to sort this out. Let´s hear a quick word from our sponsors.

(Cut to commercial. Commercial is of a moustached, grayhaired, grandpa-looking man in his mom and pop shop)

Buford McNulty: Some things never go out of style. Theway a pie tastes when it comes out of the oven. Yourold dog Red barking to come inside. The ticklishcomfort of a good old fashioned moustache ride. Hithere. I´m Buford McNulty. Here at McNaulty and Sonsmoustache ridery we´ve been offering moustache rides forover 50 years. Now 3 generations later not only have Igiven a lifetime of rides, I´m also lucky enough tohave my grandsons in the business as well. (Sleazylooking moustached guys join Buford) When we firstopened our doors moustaches rides were only 5 cents.There are a little more expensive now but it´s stillcheaper than taking the subway. So, come on downladies! There´s a seat waiting for you. (Grandsonsleave,music plays, the background turns into a graphicof the American flag waving, Buford sings) “Life´s awonderful journey with many twists and turns! Sowouldn´t you feel better, riding on amoustache!!” (Buford´s warm smile. Caption: “McNulty and Sons”)

Announcer: McNulty and Sons.

(Back to studio)

Douglas Firth: Welcome back. Now Gary, an interesting moustache choice.

Gary Packer: Ah, it´s not really a choice.

Douglas Firth: Care to elaborate.

Gary Packer: Umm, well I´ve always been a moustacheman. (Caption: “Gary Packer. Entrepreneur”) Up until a fewyears ago I had a healthy handlebar. Sadly, I wascaught in a fire. The flames burned away on mymoustache from both ends and cruelly, the skin beneathwill no longer grow hair.

Douglas Firth: So you´re left with what we see now.

Gary Packer: Yes. And I know that a lot of people incorrectly feel that it is making some sort of a political statement. Well, let me say this, the only statement I am making or have ever made is that I love moustaches.

Douglas Firth: Well, we at “‘Stachin'” applaud your courage.

Richard Hard: Right on bro´. You´re my hero.

Douglas Firth: If you don´t mind me asking. How did you get caught in a fire?

Gary Packer: I was burning down a synagogue.

(Awkward pause)

Douglas Firth: We should move on.

Richard Hard: That´s a killer ‘stash you got there, Douglas. How did you get it so curly?

Douglas Firth: Well, after years of failures and disappointment in growing a moustache naturally, I had a grafting surgery that took hair from one part of my body and move it to my lip.

Richard Hard: What part?

Douglas Firth: I’d rather not say. Join us next week when my guests will be NFL coaches Bill Cowher, Andy Reid and Jeff Fisher. Thank You.

(Show’s whistling theme music plays. Caption: “‘Stachin’.”Another display of famous moustached guys: Sam Elliot,Steve Harvey, one dude from Dukes of Hazzard, Yanni)

(cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

American Taser

Representative #1…..Chris Parnell
Police Officer…..Jason Sudeikis
Representative #2…..Darrell Hammond
Representative #3…..Seth Meyers
Female Consumer…..Amy Poehler
Housewife…..Rachel Dratch
Husband…..Will Forte
Black Man #1…..Kenan Thompson
Striker…..Bill Hader
Black Man #2…..Finesse Mitchell
Nerd…..Andy Samberg
American Taser President…..Jason Lee

[ open on American Taser representative standing in front of an American Taser banner ]

Representative #1: We live in an uncertain and dangerous world. Protecting yourself is priority number one. That’s why we at American Taser have invented the Advanced Stunner X-47. Light-weight, but with enough electrical force to stop attackers in their tracks. Previously only available to law enforcement professionals, the X-47 can now be bought directly from American Taser.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against Representative #1’s chestplate. He drops to the ground as the culprit, a police officer, steps into frame. ]

Police Officer: Nice try. But your safety is no joke. Hello, I’m Officer Kenny Banks of the Galveston Police Department. The X-47 stun gun from American Taser is not available to the public, despite what that man just said. By law, this model can only be operated by trained professionals.

[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against Police Officer’s arm. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Representative #2, steps into frame. ]

Representative #2: That’s why we over here at American Taser now offer up this model, the Thunderbolt – all the same power as the X-47, but completely legal to the public.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against Representative #2’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Representative #3, steps into frame. ]

Representative #3: Sure, it’s legal, but do you really need all that power? What If you just need a few volts to knock a problem on its ass? And by “problem,” I mean “lady”; and by “ass,” I mean “ass.” The Electric Prowler 400 from American Taser gives new meaning to the words “Amorous Conquest.” I think you know what I’m talking about.

[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against Representative #3’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, a female consumer, steps into frame. ]

Female Consumer: What he’s talking about is sexual assault. American Taser recognizes the problem women face in today’s world, and that’s why there’s the Pink Pulse. Just because I run my own business, it doesn’t mean I’m immune to attackers.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against Female Consumer’s arm ]

Female Consumer: [ as she runs off screen to stage right, stunned ] Whhhyy??!

[ The culprit, a housewife, steps into frame. ]

Housewife: What was that “I own my own business” line? Some people drive me nuts. Gosh, it’s great to know I can take them down if I need to. Thanks, American Taser.

[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against the side of housewife’s stomach. She drops to the ground as the culprit, her husband, steps into frame. ]

Husband: My wife. Wouldn’t it be great if I could just get her to shut up? Now I can. The Domesticator from American Taser. She’ll think twice before she opens her stupid pie hole.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against the husband’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Black Man #1, steps into frame. ]

Black Man #1: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that. Well, good thing I have the new Quick Zap from American Taser – with three settings, including a safety trigger release, it’s simply the safest stun gun on the market.

[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against Black Man #1’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, the Striker, steps into frame. ]

Striker: Is that man a criminal? We-e-e-ell, he sure looked like one. But how would you know? When you have to make split-second decisions that could mean the difference between life or death, you need the Pre-emptive Striker from American Taser.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against the Striker’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Black Man #2, steps into frame. ]

Black Man #2: It’s unfortunate, but racial profiling is a very real factor in our society. If you’re a black man in today’s world, the best defense is a good offense. That’s why I never leave home without my —

[ a nerd jumps in from stage right and zaps a taser shaded like the Enterprise against Black Man #2’s shoulder ]

Black Man #2: [ as he drops to the ground ] Aaahhh! Mama!

Nerd: [ with a lisp ] Set phaser to “Stun”! Super cool “Star Trek” model stun gun lets you be the coolest guy in town! Thanks, American Taser.

[ American Taser President ambles in from stage left and zaps his taser against the Nerd’s shoulder, who promptly screams and drops to the ground ]

American Taser President: No, thank you, loyal customers. For 15 years, we at American Taser have led the way in electronic protection. With twelve different models to choose from, you’re sure to find a favorite that fits your style perfectly. My own favorite – you guessed it – the Boomerang 8000.

[ he points the taser against his stomach, zaps the volts into his body, and drops to the ground ]

[ cut to American Taser graphic ]

Announcer: For all your taser needs, American Taser. Don’t let them get the drop on you. [ electric shock sound effect ] All right, that’s not cool.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

The Soaking Wet Killer

Bernadette…..Kristin Wiig
Greg…..Jason Sudeikis
Soaking Wet Killer…..Jason Lee

[ open on car driving down a dark road at night ]

[ dissolve to interior, Bernadette and Greg playing I-Spy as they drive ]

Greg: Oh, I don’t know, I give up. What is it?

Bernadette: It was the antenna.

Greg: [ laughing ] You got me again, Hon, you got me. All right. It’s my turn, it’s my turn. I spy with my little eyes.. something.. round.

Bernadette: The steering wheel?

Greg: Oh, yes! You got it. Again. What is the score?

Bernadette: 29 to 0.

Greg: Oh, you are killing me.

Bernadette: See If Rick Dees is on. I kind of want to boogie.

[ Greg turns the radio on ]

Radio Announcer: News Alert: convicted murderer John Quincy Leonard, AKA “The Soaking Wet Killer,” has escaped from Leavenworth Penitentary. I repeat, the Soaking Wet Killer has escaped.

Bernadette: What is the world coming to?

Greg: I don’t know.

Bernadette: [ pointing ] Oh, look, Greggy, a hitchhiker.

Greg: Oh, should we pick him up? [ stops the car ]

Bernadette: Oh, look at him, he’s soaking wet.

[ the Soaking Wet Killer enters the back seat of the car, looking wet and unpleasant, though Bernadette and Greg don’t recognize him as such ]

Soaking Wet Killer: Hi.

Greg: Hey.

Soaking Wet Killer: Thanks for stopping. Broke down.

Greg: Oh, okay.

Bernadette: Look at you, you’re soaking wet.

Greg: Honey.

Bernadette: Well —

Greg: Car trouble, huh? Is that the deal? Do you need me to give you a jump? I got these amazing cables from this little lady last June as a gift.

Bernadette: I get him a gift for Father’s Day since I can’t have children.

Greg: Well, Honey, we can’t have children.

[ they hold hands and stare into one another’s eyes ]

Bernadette: I love you.

Greg: I love you. [ turns to face the Soaking Wet Killer ] So, where’s your car?

Soaking Wet Killer: [ stutters nervously ] I-I was at a gas station. I overfilled the tires, and the car floated away.

Greg: Oh, isn’t that the worst?

Soaking Wet Killer: Yeah, can we just drive now?

Greg: Sure. [ resumes driving ]

Bernadette: Would you look at my manners? Would you like to change into some dry clothes? Greg, do you mind?

Greg: No, not a bit. No, there’s some clothes back there in the big suitcase.

Bernadette: Oh, not the small one, though. That one’s filled with cash.

Greg: Yeah, but not the real small one, either. That’s my gun.

[ the Soaking Wet Killer grabs a sweat suit and covers himself with it ]

Bernadette: I hate that he has it and I like that he has it.

Greg: Oh, Honey!

Soaking Wet Killer: Thanks. I’m gonna need a little privacy. Do you mind not peeking back here?

Greg: Oh, sure, no, of course. Help yourself.

[ they keep their eyes locked straight ahead, as the Soaking Wet Killer grabs a wad of their mnoey and stuffs it into the sweat suit ]

Bernadette: Do you have somewhere to stay tonight? I’m worried.

Soaking Wet Killer: Yeah, I’m going to try to stay with a girlfriend.

Greg: Oh, good for you. Damn it. Hey, uf that doesn’t work out, you’re more than welcome to stay with us.

Bernadette: You know, why don’t I give you our home address?

Greg: That’s a great idea, Bernadette. Hey, but don’t bother coming by after Friday. We’re gonna be out of Town for four months.

Bernadette: Here you go. Would you mind dropping that sweat suit off at our house?

Greg: Yeah, we’d give you a key but we don’t lock our doors.

Bernadette: Don’t tell anyone.

Greg: Wait, Honey, we should warn him about Nick, who’s gonna be house-sitting.

Soaking Wet Killer: Some dude’s gonna be there?

Bernadette: Oh, no, Nick is short for Nicole. She’s our 19-year-old niece.

Greg: Uh-huh, yep. Such a sweet girl.

Bernadette: A little wild.

Greg: And easily misled.

Bernadette: You know, there’s a picture of her back there in that “Maxim” Magazine.

Soaking Wet Killer: [ looks at the magazine lying in the back seat ] She’s something.

Greg: Oh, she sure is. She’s an inspiration. She’s blind.

Bernadette: She’s a blind model. And she’ll be staying at our house.

Greg: While we’re out of the country, for a third of the year.

Soaking Wet Killer: You know what? You can just drop me off up here. I’m all set.

Greg: All right. [ stops the car ]

Soaking Wet Killer: Hey, I just wanted to say, you guys are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Bernadette: You’re sweet.

Greg: You are too nice. Seriously, I feel the same way.

Soaking Wet Killer: [ yelling ] Just shut up and listen! You guys have honestly changed the course of my life, and I’ll never forget you.

Bernadette: Oh, I feel like this is good-bye.

Soaking Wet Killer: Ah, trust me. It’s not. [ steps out of the car ]

Greg: Oh, okay. All right. See you later. [ notices the Soaking Wet Killer carrying a gun ] Hey, look at that, I got the same gun! Small world! [ resumes driving again ]

Bernadette: What a sweet, sweet man.

Greg: He really was. You know, I liked his moustache.

Bernadette: So, is Nicole’s boyfriend going to be staying with her?

Greg: Mmm, yeah, yeah. He just got suspended from his pro-wrestling job for steroid use, so he’s really wound up.

Bernadette: That’s too bad. At least they can spend some time together.

Greg: Mmm-hmm, yeah. So, is she going to bring her pit bulls with her?

Bernadette: Uh-huh, yeah, all seven.

Greg: Oh, good, good.

Bernadette: [ points out window ] Oh! Punch bug! [ punches Greg’s arm ]

Greg: Oh, Honey.

Bernadette: Well.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 19th, 2005

Eva Longoria

Korn

None

None
Fox News Special ReportSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) is relunctant to answer questions about the war in Iraq while visiting China.

Recurring Characters: Brit Hume, President George W. Bush, Wolf Blitzer, Terry Moran.

MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s still absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Eva Longoria’s MonologueSummary: Eva Longoria introduces the disembodied voice of Mary Alice (Kristin Wiig) to Don Pardo (Darrell Hammond).

Bio: Eva Longoria (1975-). Mexican-American actress; former Miss Corpus Christi; stars on ABC’s “Desperate Housewives”.

Transcript

Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000Summary: No more annoying sirens while your house burns, thanks to the sounds of the 80’s!

Note: Repeat from 10/29/05.

The SpammiesSummary: Awards are distributed for the year’s best junk e-mail.

Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) mocks the dullness of overtattooed co-star, Tiara Zee (Rachel Dratch), while introducing new hip-hop and house music stars for the MTV-4 audience to eat up.

Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, Tiara Zee.

Transcript

Morgan StanleySummary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client’s (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school.

Note: Repeat from 10/01/05.

The NeedlersSummary: The argumentive behavior of Sally (Amy Poehler) and Dan Needler (Seth Meyers) continues at their college reunion, where they run into a former minor flame (Eva Longoria) of Dan’s who’s now a marriage counselor.

Recurring Characters: Sally Needler, Dan Needler.

Transcript

Variety VaultSummary: A lost television recording from 1958 features spookish Vincent Price (Bill Hader) hosting a Thanksgiving special with guests Clark Gable (Darrell Hammond), Alfred Hitchcock (Horatio Sanz), a drunken Judy Garland (Kristin Wiig) and Ricky Ricardo (Fred Armisen) and Lucille Ball (Eva Longoria).

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Clark Gable, Alfred Hitchcock, Judy Garland, Ricky Ricardo, Lucille Ball.

Note: The house lights dim prematurely as Judy Garland (Kristin Wiig) clutches the portrait of George Washington.

Transcript

Korn performs “Twisted Transistor”Bio: Alternative metal group, often credited with the onset of the nu metal genre that began to take shape in the mid 1990s; members: Jonathan Houseman “HIV” Davis (vocals, bagpipes), Reginald Quincy “Fieldy” Arvizu (bass), David Randall Silveria (drums, percussion), and James Christian “Munky” Shaffer (guitar, backing vocals).

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Ohio Republican Jean Schmidt (Rachel Dratch) is booed out of the House of Representatives for making scandalous remarks. Apple’s Steve Jobs (Fred Armisen) introduces smaller and smaller I-Pods that hold more and more songs as they shrink.

Transcript

What Really Happened at the Vanity Fair Photo ShootSummary: Chaos and high demands rule, as “Desperate Housewives” stars Teri Hatcher (Eva Longoria), Marcia Cross (Amy Poehler), Eva Longoria (Rachel Dratch), Felicity Huffman (Kristin Wiig), and Nicolette Sheridan (Seth Meyers) gather poolside for the Vanity Fair photo shoot.

Transcript

Trapped in the Closet TwoSummary: R. Kelly’s (Finsesse Mitchell) reality show is spoofed with extended installments.

Transcript

The Englehart FiveSummary: The majority of the German family quartet’s songs focus on the negligent homicide of their fifth sibling, Klaus.

Transcript

Korn performs “Freak on a Leash”

FirmiumSummary: Eva Longoria promotes the pill she uses to prevent embarrassing diarrhea while taping “Desperate Housewives.”

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Doctor’s VisitSummary: A doctor (Seth Meyers) warns Shakira (Eva Longoria) that her butt is in danger of falling off if she continues to shake it.

Fight Back with Victor RamosSummary: Victor Ramos (Horatio Sanz) shows Chicago Transit Authority employee (Amy Poehler) the proper way to fight terrorism.

Note: This sketch will finally air on the episode hosted by Dane Cook.

Stuart Little Mouse Removal KitSummary: Modeled after the movie, homeowners can get rid of unwanted mice by leaving cheese, tracks and an exploding race car aimed out the front door.

Note: This ad parody will later air on the episode hosted by Jack Black.

The PianoSummary: After purchasing a new piano, a woman (Eva Longoria) must contend with two lazy movers (Kenan Thompson, Finesse Mitchell) at the music store.

Blind DateSummary: A man (Will Forte) is unable to maintain the lie if his identity while on a blind date with n attractive woman (Eva Longoria).

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Two men (Andy Samberg, Will Forte) discuss the former’s problems over a head of lettuce, courtesy of the United Lettuce Growers Association.

Note: This short film will later appear on the episode hosted by Dane Cook.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

Trapped in the Closet Two

R. Kelly as “Sylvester”…..Finesse Mitchell
Gwendolyn…..Eva Longoria
Gurgon…..Kenan Thompson

[open on Chicago skyline with title: “R. Kelly”]

Announcer: [voice over] R. Kelly’s hip-hopera, “Trapped in the Closet” [title: “Trapped in the Closet”] redefined what drama is. Now there’s “Trapped in the Closet Two: Still Trapped in the Closet.” [additional title: “Two”], chapters fourteen through twenty eight. [shot zooms out]

[dissolve to R. Kelly in the closet, holding a gun]

[music starts]

[title: “Chapter 14: ‘Still Trapped'”]

Sylvester: [singing] Still trapped in the closet. I been trapped here for six weeks. I just ate a silica packet [holds up a silica packet], ’cause I’m so damn hungry. But I’m gonna stay stuck in this closet, because people keep buying this record, no matter how dumb it gets. But here comes the cliffhanger! Inside this closet is another smaller closet. [shot pans to reveal the smaller closet] I think I see eyes staring back at me! [grabs shoes from the shelf and smacks the smaller closet] Me! [grabs shoes from the shelf and smacks the smaller closet] Me! [grabs shoes from the shelf and smacks the smaller closet] Me! [grabs shoes from the shelf and smacks the smaller closet] Me!

[dissolve to DVD cover with a shirtless R. Kelly with angel wings and holding crossed guns and with titles: “R. Kelly,” “Trapped in the Closet Two: Trill Trapped in the Closet, Chapters 14-28.”]

Announcer: [voice over] And it don’t stop. Check out a scene from Chapter 18: “The Reckoning.”

[dissolve to split screen with R. Kelly and Gwendolyn, who is wearing a leopard print night gown and holding a gun and a baby, with title: “Chapter 18: ‘The Reckoning'”]

Sylvester: [singing] My cell phone ring; it was Gwendolyn on my phone.

Gwendolyn: [singing] You better get your ass on home, ’cause I’m having a personal crisis.

Sylvester: [singing] Wait, wait, you’re breaking up on me.

Gwendolyn: [singing] Well, I just switched cell phone providers.

Sylvester: [singing] Well, who did you go with?

Gwendolyn: [singing] I went with Verizon.

Sylvester: [singing] Oh, because T-Mobile works much better in this area.

Gwendolyn: [singing] But I just signed a two year contract.

Sylvester: [singing] Bitch, are you crazy?

Gwendolyn: [singing] I couldn’t help it; the salesman was so nice.

Sylvester: [singing] Who was the salesman?

Gwendolyn: [singing] The father of this baby, baby, baby, baby, baby… [R. Kelly looks at the cellphone and away, in time with the repetition]

[dissolve to DVD cover]

Announcer: [voice over] And just when you thought it couldn’t go no deeper, R. brings you Chapter 26: “Contact.”

[dissolve to bedroom with R. Kelly still holding gun and Gwendolyn still holding gun and baby and with title: “Chapter 26: ‘Contact'”]

Sylvester: [singing] Oh, no, baby, tell me I’m not seeing this. You cheating me in my house you cheating me in my own bed.

Gwendolyn: [singing] I still love you baby. Just let me explain. He gives me something you can’t. His name is Gurgon and he ain’t from this planet!

Sylvester: What?!

[Gurgon enters, with purple cranium and antennae]

Gurgon: [singing] Babe, you got to make a choice. Is it going to be him or flying across the Milky Way with me.

Sylvester: [singing] Oh, you better quit talking that way before I blow off your antenna. [cocks gun]

Gurgon: [singing] Before you pull that trigger, I got to get this off my alien chest. I’m in love with your woman, ’cause she gives me sweet Earth booteeeee! Yeah! Bleep! Blorp! Glorp! Bleep! Blop!

Gwendolyn: [singing] Wait, before you blow him away, there’s another cliffhanger. Listen up to Gurgon.

Gurgon: [singing] Boy, I am your father.

Sylvester: [singing] What?

Gurgon: [singing] Father.

Sylvester: [singing] What?

Gurgon: [singing] Father.

Sylvester: [singing] What?

Gurgon: [singing] Father.

Sylvester: [singing] What?

Gurgon: [singing] Father.

[dissolve to DVD cover]

Announcer: [voice over] Trapped in the Closet Two: Still Trapped in the Closet includes bonus chapters twenty nine through forty two. Let it change you.

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts