Category: 2008

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

Hawaiian Bar

Brother 1….Fred Armisen
Brother 2….Dwayne Johnson
Newlyweds….Bobby Moynihan, Michaela Watkins
Boston couple….Bill Hader, Casey Wilson
Young couple….Andy Samberg, Kristen Wiig
Middle age man….Darrell Hammond
Young dudes….Jason Sudeikis, Kenan Thompson
Couple by the bar….Will Forte, Abby Elliott

(Opens with shot of a beach resort in Hawaii, cut to inside of the resort restaurant)

(Two guys wearing flowered colored Hawaiian shirts and dried grass skirts are the night’s entertainment. One plays an ukulele, the other one dances and sings a traditional Hawaiian song. They approach one of the tables.)

Brothers: (sings) Ah, no, ah, no eh, ke, le, me, neh, ah, ah, no, ah, no, meh, me, ne he leh, ah, no, ah, no, me tu lu me ne,he, leh.

Brother 1: Aloha, welcome to the island of Hawaii.

(Newlyweds enjoy traditional exotic drinks)

Newlywed Husband: Thank you, thank you.

Newlywed Wife: We’re on our honeymoon!

Brother 2: Awww, how sweet.

Brother 1: Yeah, honeymoon in Hawaii…that’s original.

Newlywed Husband: (unsure) Well, thanks.

Newlywed Wife: Must be fun working here, huh?

Brother 1: Oh, great. They make us wear grass skirts…

Brother 2: We play the same song over and over…

Brother 1: We make $7 an hour. Its a dream job.

Newlywed Wife: Well, Hawaii is a beautiful place to live.

Brother 1: You should’ve seen it before it was covered in hotels.

Brother 2: Yes, this is a fun fact from Hawaii. Our biggest export is coffee and our biggest import is fat, white people.

(Newlywed husband touches his belly. The Brothers break into their song)

Brothers:(sing) Ah, no, ah, no….

(They get to another couple’s table)

Brother 2: Aloha.

Boston Man: Aloha!

Brother 1: Where are you guys from?

Boston Woman: Boston.

Brother 1: Boston. Let me ask you guys a question. When you guys go to a restaurant in Boston, is it acceptable to wear Crocs and a bathing suit?

Boston Man: What?

Brother 2: Well, you know, in Hawaii we have a name for people like you. Garbage.

(They leave the insulted Boston couple and break into their traditional song)

Brothers:(sing) Ah, no, ah, no….

(Brothers arrive at a young couple’s table)

Brother 2: Hey, how are you guys tonight?

Young Man: We’re great.

Young Woman: This place is so peaceful. You must love living here.

Brother 1: Its peaceful. Its peaceful in your ocean front resorts. My brother and I here, live 15 miles inland. Yeah, there’s a rusty pick-up truck with weeds growing out of it. That’s our house.

Brother 2: Yeah, you want to come visit? Its real easy to get to. You just drive through the shanty town, make a right on the meth lab and you’ll see a 15 year old who got pregnant by an out of town businessman. Then ask for his brother. That’s me.

(They leave the stunned young couple and break into their traditional song)

Brothers:(sing) Ah, no, ah, no…..

(Brothers get close to a middle-age man in a suit sitting alone in his table)

Middle-aged Man: Skip me, please. I hate this kind of thing. Squeegee musicians. Skip me!

Brother 1: Ok

Brother 2: Ok.

Brother 1: I can respect that.

Brother 2: Respect, respect that.

Brothers: (sings) Ah, no, ah, no…

(They continue down to a young dude’s table. The young dudes wear traditional leis around their necks)

Young Dude 1: Hey, guys, guys…check it out. Leis! (shows his leis, grins)

Young Dude 2: Yeah, the second we got out the plane we got “lei’d” (cracks himself him, high five’s his partner)

(Brother 2 spills their exotic drinks in their laps. Resume the traditional song)

Brothers: (sing) Ah, no, ah, no….

(The Brothers approach a young couple by the bar singing and dancing)

Young man at the bar: Wow, you guys are great.

Young woman at the bar: I love your traditional dance. What does it mean?

Brother 2: Oh, well, it means I dropped out of high school so now I got to dance like a monkey in front of you people.

Brother 1: You guys probably assume that Hawaiians are uneducated. Its not like our President is Hawaiian or anything.

Young woman at the bar: Barack Obama? Isn’t he from Illinois?

Brother 2: (about to break her face) You know what?!

Brother 1: (holds his brother back) Hold on, hold on, hold on. Its ok, its ok. She knows, now she knows.

Young man at the bar: (afraid) Anyway, aloha.

Brother 2: Oh wow, (mockingly) “Aloha”. You know, you really made an effort to learn our language.

Brother 1: Yeah, you know, aloha has multiple meanings.

Brother 2: Yeah, it means hello, goodbye and suck it!

Brother 1: Yeah, so aloha.

Brother 2: Yeah, aloha HARD!

(Brothers break into their traditional song and dance)

Brothers: (sing) Ah, no, ah, no…

Brother 1: You know, I think our shifts are over now.

Brother 2: Yeah, too bad, brother. I was having fun.

Brother 1: Yeah, I really like those people.

Brother 2: Yeah…

(Brother 2 goes to the young dude’s table and spills their new drinks in their laps again. The brothers go out the door playing their traditional tune)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

Lighthouse Date

Guy…..Dwayne Johnson
Date…..Kristen Wiig
Captain…..Will Forte
First Mate…..Andy Samberg
Sailor 1…..Bill Hader
Sailor 2…..Bobby Moynihan
Jet Skiier…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on night exterior, lighthouse on cliff ]

[ dissolve to interior, as Guy brings Date up to the top of the lighthouse ]

Guy: So! This is my place!

Date: [ impressed ] Wow! You live in a lighthouse? This is SO romantic!

Guy: Yeah, uh, I’m kind of the Don Juan of marine safety!

Date: [ giggles ] Ooh, I’ll be the judge of that!

[ Guy moves in to kiss his date, then he stops ]

Guy: You know what? Hold on. Let me just… set the mood.

Date: Okay.

[ he shuts the beacon light off ]

Date: That’s better!

[ suddenly, a crash sounds below ]

[ cut to the jagged rocks below, where a Captain and his First Mate lie sprawled on their backs as waves splash upon them ]

Captain: Oh, Krewe of Poseidon!! We’ve been scuttleholed!!

First Mate: The rocks came out of nowheres!! Why didn’t anyone warn us?!

[ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]

Guy: You know what? I’m just gonna turn this light back on. [ he flips the switch ] Now… where were we?

[ cut back to the jagged rocks below ]

Captain: Pleeeeeease!! If anyone can hear us… sing out!!

First Mate: Captain! The beacon! It shines!

Captain: But, WHERE was it before?! Ohhh, what evil trick is this?!!

[ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]

Date: Do you hear that? It sounds like screaming.

Guy: I… hear my… heart screaming… that it wants you.

[ she blushes ]

Guy: Let me throw on a little music. [ he turns the stereo on, as salsa music emerges ] Do you like salsa?

Date: [ she laughs coyly ] I like eating it!

Guy: [ he laughs ] Well, then I hope your ears are hungry!

[ he claps his hands to the music, but the beacon light shuts off ]

Date: What happened?

Guy: I guess this lighthouse is hooked up to The Clapper. That’s weird.

[ another crash sounds below ]

Voice: Our ship’s been torn asunder!!

Date: Did someone just yell… rocks?

[ cut back to the jagged rocks below, a pair of sailors now spread across the captain and his first mate ]

Sailor 1: St. Elmo has forsaken us!! Our vessel is ruined!!

Sailor 2: But what of the lighthouse?! Is no one manning it?!

Captain: Ayeee!!! The Devil himself!!!

[ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]

Guy: M-maybe I should just keep this on. [ he flips the beacon light back on ]

Date: Are you sure there’s no one down there?

Guy: No! It — it’s whales, and… and they say the only way to calm them is with the sound of two near-strangers making love. [ his date swoons ] But they’ll also, uh, accept a B.J.

Date: I’m gonna go down there.

Guy: Ah, that’s what I like to hear! [ he begins to pull his shirt out of his pants ] Oh, wait… you mean, to go check on the people. I mean, the WHALES! I agree! But, before you do… let’s have a drink. Do you like, uh, margaritas?

Date: No. I adore them.

Guy: [ he chuckles ] One margarita coming up!

[ he starts the blender, which causes an electrical short in the lighthouse that culminates in the beacon light shutting off again ]

[ another crash sounds below ]

Voice: WHAT THE HELL?!!

Date: [ astonished ] Okay, now what was that?!

[ cut back to the jagged rocks below, a jetskiier now moored aside the captain, his first mate, and the sailors ]

Jetskiier: HEY!! How am I — [ a wave splashes him across the face ] How am I supposed to take a midnight jet ski if there’s no lighthouse?!

Captain: Steel yourelf, men!! There’s a sea beast about us!!

Sailor 1: Run ‘im through!!!

[ they all begin to attack the jetskiier with various pieces of timber from their boats ]

[ cut back to the romantic setting of the lighthouse ]

Date: Okay, someone clearly needs help!

Guy: You’re — you’re right — you’re right! We should organize a search party. [ a beat ] I’m gonna check underneath that dress.

Date: [ she points a finger at him ] I do not like your double entendres — I love them! And I don’t care if there are whales down there, ’cause the only whale in here is gonna be you wailing on my fanny.

[ cut back to the jagged rocks below, where the jetskiier lies dead across his vessel ]

Captain: What in Davey Jones’ locker is going on that lighthouse?!

[ they all scream as the waves pound harder upon them ]

First Mate: What do we do now, Captain?

Captain: We wait here — FOR DEATH!!

[ fade ]

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  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

MacGruber

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson
Doctor…..Jason Sudeikis
Mrs. MacGyver…..Abby Elliott
Assistant…..Michaela Watkins

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!”

[CUT to MacGruber in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a toxic oil refinery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Toxic Oil Refinery.” CUT to a sign marked “Oil Refinery Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Vicky: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is welded shut! And from the looks of that dynamite we’ve got exactly 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, just stay calm, because everything I need to defuse this bomb is inside this room… Vicky, toss me that pen cap!

Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!

MacGruber: New guy! What’s your name again?

MacGyver: [he turns around] MacGyver.

MacGruber: MacGyver? that’s a stupid name… MacGyver! Pass me that thumbtack!

MacGyver: I’d go with the gum wrapper.

MacGruber: Aaaanndd… I care about what you’re saying, because…?

MacGyver: I’m just saying, I’d do it a little differently.

MacGruber: Well, MacGyver, you’re not MacGruber!

MacGyver: [ smugly ] That’s what you think.

MacGruber: What’s that supposed to mean?

Vicky: Ten seconds!

MacGyver: [ dramatically ] It was a… cold, December night…

[ dissolve to flashback sequence: “Abandoned Hospital 1972” ]

[ cut to interior, hospital room, the same set as the Oil Refinery Control Room ]

Doctor: It’s a boy, Mr. MacGyver. [ hands the baby to its mother ] What are you going to call him?

MacGyver: [ proudly ] MacGruber!

Doctor: [ confused ] MacGruber MacGyver?

[ Mrs. MacGyver rolls her eyes as well ]

MacGyver: The perfect name for the perfect baby!

Assistant: Three seconds, MacGyver!

[ Hydrogen Sensor needle bounces from OK to DANGER ]

MacGyver: [ grabs his newborn son ] Don’t you worry, MacGruber! Nothing bad is ever going to happen to you! Not on my watc —

[CUT to the abandoned hospital exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGYVER-RRR!!!!!

[ dissolve back to MacGruber looking at a photograph of himself as a toddler with MacGyver ]

MacGruber: Dickh —

[CUT to the oil refinery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

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  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson
Mrs. MacGyver…..Abby Elliott
Assistant…..Michaela Watkins

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
He’s working with his dad now, and they’ve never been closer!
MacGruber!
They’ve even been talking about sharing an apartment!
MacGruber!
MacGyver is the perfect dad!”

[CUT to MacGruber and MacGyver arm in arm against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to smuggler’s compound. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Smuggler’s Compound.” CUT to a sign marked “Compound Control Room” as sirens wail.]

MacGyver: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! There’s no way out!

Vicky: And from the looks of that C4 explosive, we’ve only got 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Don’t worry, guys! Nothing bad will ever happen to you! Not on my watch. [ he smiles at MacGyver; MacGyver gives him a thumbs-up ] Vicky! Hand me that piece of chalk!

Vicky: You’ve got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, Dad — that gum wrapper!

MacGyver: Here you go, MacGruber! Turn it over, I… wrote you a little note. [ he smiles sheepishly ]

MacGruber: [ reads, then smiles ] I love you, too, Daddy! [ they exchange smiles ] Vicky! Hand me that toothpick!

Vicky: You got it!

MacGruber: Okay, Dad! How much do you love me: a bunchy-bunch, or a little itty-bitty-bitty?

MacGyver: A bunchy-bunch, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Great! Okay, Vicky — wait! [ to MacGyver ] Then, why did you abandon me?

MacGyver: Well, MacGruber, it’s a long story.

MacGruber: We’ve got time.

Vicky: Ten seconds!!

MacGyver: [ dramatically ] It was a cold, December night…

[ dissolve to flashback sequence: “MacGyver Home 1973” ]

[ cut to interior, MacGyver home, the same set as the Compound Control Room ]

[ MacGyver, his bags packed, heads for the door ]

Mrs. MacGyver: Why are you leaving?

MacGyver: To start a new life, with Lacey.

Mrs. MacGyver: Lacey?

MacGyver: Yes. The perfect name… for the perfect stripper. [ Mrs. MacGyber rolls her eyes ] But, don’t worry. Nothing bad will ever happen ro her — not on my watch.

Assistant: Three seconds, MacGyver!

[ MacGyver turns for the door and jiggles the handle ]

MacGyver: The door’s locked.

[CUT to the MacGyver home exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGYVER-RRR!!!!!

[ dissolve back to MacGruber looking stunned ]

MacGruber: My God… my dad’s a dick!

MacGyver: I’m out of here!

[ MacGyver turns for the door and jiggles the handle ]

MacGyver: The door’s locked.

[CUT to the smuggler’s compound exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

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  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
MacGyver… Richard Dean Anderson

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
“MacGruber!
Their father-son relationship has gone into the dumper!
MacGruber!
He wishes that his dad had reversed his vasectomy!
MacGruber!
His dad’s a freakin’ butt-hole!”

[CUT to MacGyver in a karate pose against footage of flames, as MacGruber flips him off from behind and reverts to thumbs-up when MacGyver suddenly turns around.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to an hijacked cocaine tanker. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Hijacked Cocaine Tanker.” CUT to a sign marked “Tanker Control Room” as sirens wail.]

MacGyver: [struggling with locked door] It’s locked!

Vicky: That’s not all, MacGruber! From the looks of that dirty bomb, we’ve got exactly twenty seconds!!

MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry, Vicky, because I will get the two of us out of here! [ MacGyver rolls his eyes ] Now, hand me that electrical wire!

Vicky: Here you go, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! Tell the person on your right to hand me that paperclip, and tell him to go take a long walk off a very short pier.

MacGyver: [ handing her the paperclip ] Vicky… tell the person who asked for this that his mother and I always wanted a girl, and we were delighted we got one.

[ MacGruber laughs condescendingly ]

Vicky: Okay, here, MacGruber. [ hands over the paperclip ]

MacGruber: Okay, Vicky — tell the same guy that, when he dies, I will scatter his ashes in my toilet, and then I will scatter something else over that.

MacGyver: Oh, good! I hope you do!

MacGruber: GOOD! Then, I will!

MacGyver: GOOD!!

MacGruber: GOOD!!!

MacGyver: GOOD!!!!

MacGruber: GOOD!!!!!

MacGyver: GOOD!!!!!!

MacGruber: I will NEVER… EVER!! forgive you!!!

MacGyver: GOOD!! I hope you don’t!!

[ Vicky stares disjointedly at the two men. The tension is so thick it can be cut with a knife made from a paperclip. ]

MacGruber: Let’s get back to the…

[CUT to the tanker exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to outerspace scene, as a spaceport drifts past. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “spaceport 2040.” CUT to a sign marked “Space Port Control Room”.]

Vicky: MacGruber, I’m… sorry for your loss. Your dad was a good man.

MacGruber: [ solemn ] Yeah. I was just thinking about something I said about him in anger, long ago.

Vicky: Um… do you want some alone time?

MacGruber: No. I want you to be here for this.

[ reveal longshot of MacGruber seated on toilet ] Goodbye, Dad. [ he pushes the urn between his legs, then flushes ]

[ a moment of silence ]

MacGruber: Now, where were we?

Vicky: One second, MacGruber!!!

[ MacGruber jumps to his feet, his bare ass dangling in the wind ]

[CUT to the spaceport exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

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  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

The Rock Obama

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Rahm Emanuel…..Andy Samberg
Sen. John McCain…..Darrell Hammond
Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison…..Kristen Wiig
Sen. Tom Coburn…..Will Forte
The Rock Obama…..Dwayne Johnson

[ open on exterior, White House front ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: So! Who do we have coming in today, Rahm?

Rahm Emanuel: Senators McCain, Hutchinson, and Coburn, Mr. President. They’re representing the Republicans, who are blocking OUR spending bill for being too “pork-filled”!

President Barack Obama: Now, uh… calm down, Rahm.

Rahm Emanuel: If I may, Mr. President: I sometimes think you’re too calm. You need to get angry!

President Barack Obama: Yeah, getting angry is your game, Rahm. Send them in.

[ Emanuel opens the office door and lets the senators in ]

President Barack Obama: Senators! Thank you for coming in.

[ the three senators sit perpendicular to Obama on a couch ]

Sen. John McCain: Thank you, Mr. President.

President Barack Obama: Now, uh — I brought you here because it’s important we get this… omnibus bill passed.

Sen. Tom Coburn: Yeah, but, With all due respect… we know it’s important, Mr. President. But we have to draw the line somewhere. I mean, we, we can’t let American drift into Socialism!

[ Obama holds a stern look on his face ]

Rahm Emanuel: [ whispers ] Get angry!

Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison: And, uh — [ she laughs nervously ] not to get critical, but you have been President almost seven weeks. Isn’t it about time you fixed the economy? [ she chuckles ]

[ eerie music plays, as Obama begins to blink his eyes rapidly ]

Rahm Emanuel: [ whispers ] That’s it! Get angry!

Sen. John McCain: [ mockingly ] Mr. President, while the policies of the previous administration may have had somthing to do with this crisis… it’s YOUR responsibility now!

[ Obama rubs his temple in frustration ]

Rahm Emanuel: [ whispers ] Yes! Get mad! GET MAD!!

Sen. John McCain: And, my friend… I’m starting to think you may not be up to it!

[ Obama begins to shake violently ]

Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison: Mr. President! Are you okay?!

[ cut to pre-filmed close-up footage of Obama bursting through his clothes, a la The Incredible Hulk ]

[ reveal that a muscular Obama with torn clothing is now being played by Dwayne Johnson, who screams ]

[ the senators react with terror ]

Sen. Tom Coburn: Oh, my God! What happened?!

Rahm Emanuel: [ smugly ] What happened was… you made Barack Obama angry! And when you make Barack Obama angry, he turns into… The Rock Obama!

[ title card appears over Obama ]

Sen. Tom Coburn: The Rock Obama?

The Rock Obama: [ clears his throat ] Now, uh… don’t be alarmed. The Rock Obama, much like, uh… Barack Obama. Only stronger, and, uh… more impulsive. Now! Where were we? [ he points to the cowering Coburn ] Little man in suit.

Sen. Tom Coburn: [ nerves shattered ] Uh — uh — yes, well — uh — uh — I guess what I, what I was just saying was there is, you know, some special projects in this bill that just don’t… smell… right to me.

The Rock Obama: Hmm. Is interesting point, but, uh… me no like!

[ Obama springs to his feet and grabs Coburn by the scruff of his neck ]

Sen. Tom Coburn: Whoa-oa! What’s going on?!

[ Obama flings Coburn through the plate glass window ]

[ Emanuel smiles enthusiastically ]

The Rock Obama: Okay! Up next. [ points to Hutchison ] Lady?

Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison: [ gasping for breath ] Sorry, I’m a little nervous.

The Rock Obama: [ grins sheepishly ] Don’t be nervous. Uhhh… just be nice.

Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison: Well, uh… well, I understand your desire to pass this bill — quickly.

The Rock Obama: [ bored, he stands ] Hmmmm… uh, up.

Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison: Okay. [ she rises ]

The Rock Obama: Uh, turn.

Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison: [ scared ] Yes. [ she turns, and he scoops her up in his arms ] Nooooo!!!

[ Obama drops her out of the window ]

Sen. John McCain: [ whispering ] Rahm! Do something!

Rahm Emanuel: It’s the first floor. Don’t worry about it.

The Rock Obama: Okay. Uh — old man? Uhhhhh — you go now!

[ suddenly, the phone rings. Obama picks up ]

The Rock Obama: Hello? — Ah huh? — AIG needs more money? — Ah ha. — Forty billion? — Ah ha. — Well, uh, you listen to this: [ he smashes the receiver into the phone, breaking it into thousands of pieces ] Now, uh — where were we?

Sen. John McCain: Uhhhh… [ chuckling nervously ] I was just saying that you’re not going to have… any… more problems from me!

The Rock Obama: Ahhh! Is good!

Sen. John McCain: Can I show myself out?

The Rock Obama: Yes! Out window!

Sen. John McCain: [ to Emanuel ] Is he joking?

Rahm Emanuel: Nope! See you later… my friend!

[ McCain sits on the ledge, then drops himself backwards through the window ]

[ the image dissolves to reveal itself as a dream sequence ]

[ Obama shakes Emanuel awake from the dream ]

President Barack Obama: Rahm? Rahm? Rahm! Rahm, wake up!

Rahm Emanuel: [ groggily ] Wha..?

President Barack Obama: You dozed off, Rahm.

Rahm Emanuel: Oh. Sorry, Mr. President. I was having the most wonderful dream!

President Barack Obama: Well, now it’s back to work. Who’s up next?

Rahm Emanuel: Senators McCain, Hutchinson, and Coburn. Will you please get angry?

President Barack Obama: Nope!

Rahm Emanuel: Please?

President Barack Obama: Nope!

Rahm Emanuel: Is this getting you angry?

President Barack Obama: Nope!

[ cut to exterior, White House front ]

[ fade ]

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  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

The Calculator

Dad….Bill Hader
Mom….Casey Wilson
Glenn….Andy Samberg
Twin 1….Fred Armisen
Twin 2….John Malkovich

(Opens with a house decorated for Christmas at night. Cut to the living room, there´s a Christmas tree, Mom and Dad are decorating. Son Glenn joins them)

Glenn: Hey, mom, dad. Everything looks great.

Mom: Well, look how nice you look Glenn.

Glenn: Oh, thanks, mom. I´m wearing dad´s tie.

Dad: Hey, just don´t come around telling me you´re wearing my boxer shorts.

(They share a hearty laugh)

Mom: Now, where are the twins?

Glenn: They´re still upstairs. They´re super excited.

Mom: Ah, you know, those 2 will not stop talking about what they want for Christmas.

Dad: Tell me about it.

(The dorky twins appear wearing matching sweaters)

Mom: Merry Christmas boys.

Twin 1: Ma.

Twin 2: Ma.

Twin 1: Did you get us a calculator?

Twin 2: Are we getting a calculator?

Mom: (playfully) I´m not telling you. You´ll have to wait.

Twin 2: Glen, guess what we´re getting for Christmas?

Twin 1: Yes, yes. A calculator!

Twin 2: We´re getting a calculator!

Glenn: Yeah, that´s great.

Twin 1: Do you have any idea how fast we´re gonna do math problems?

Twin 2: Square roots!

Twin 1: Lighting speed.

Twin 2: We´re getting a state of the art calculator by Texas Instruments.

Dad: (playfully) Guys, we don´t know what you´re getting. Nobody promised you anything, OK?

Twin 1: Da-a-ad! Come on, who you kidding´? We didn´t ask for anything else.

Twin 2: When we went to Macy´s, I saw you ask the guy at the counter in front of the calculators!

Mom: OK, enough. Now who wants to help me get this stockings up?

Glenn: I´ll do it.

Twin 1: Yes, so, ma, ma, ma…

Both twins: Ma!

Twin 1: Are we gonna get a calculator?

Twin 2: That´s all we want, ma.

Twin 1: I´m gonna add so many numbers together!

Twin 2: I´m gonna keep dividing numbers until there´s like 50 numbers after the decimal!

Glenn: Why don´t you use the calculator in your computer?

Twin 1: Shut up, Glenn!

Twin 2: Nobody cares what you think! Is it almost midnight?

Mom: It is a minute past midnight. Time to open up presents.

Dad: All right, here we go.

Twin 2: We´re gonna get a calculator!

Twin 1: Calculator!

Twin 2: Calculator!

Dad: (picks up gift wrapped box from under the tree) This box is for Glenn.

Glenn: Aw, man…

Twin 2: We´re gonna get a calculator. That´s what we´re gonna get.

Glenn: (opens present) Oh, no way! Nintendo Wii!

Dad: That´s right. Good going. Enjoy it, Glenn.

Twin 2: We´re getting a calculator. I can feel it.

Glenn: Thanks, mom and dad. You guys are the best. (hugs them)

Mom: Awww…

Twin 1: Ma, ma…can we open up our presents now?

Dad: (gives them a gift wrapped box) Here you go. Now that´s for the both of you.

(The twins stare at the box dumbfounded. They sit, speechless)

Twin 1: God, to Paul and Aidan.

Twin 2: I´m gonna need freakout control.

Twin 1: (shakes box a little) So, this is about the size of a Texas Instruments A 100. I can feel it.

Twin 2: I´m gonna start crying.

Mom: Why don´t you just open it?

(The twins open the present up. Twin 2 holds a white calculator in his hand. They look at each other and freak out)

Both Twins: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Twin 1: Oh, my God!! We got a calculator!!

Twin 2: Its the best day, I ever had! Its a calculator! Finally, this…a calculator!!

Twin 1: Oh, my God!!

Twin 2: I can´t believe this!! Oh, ma! That´s unbelievable! ( gets up and gives hugs to Mom, Glenn and Dad)

Twin 1: Oh, my God! (gets up and hugs Mom, Glenn and Dad) Thanks you, ma!

(Twins sit back down)

Twin 2: A calculator!

Twin 1: Thank you! Oh, my God! Look, look (pointing at the calculator)…we own this now!! We own it! We can do anything we want!

Twin 2: Its a calculator!

Twin 1: Oh, my God! (hugs his twin by the neck and throws himself in the couch)

Twin 2: I´m never gonna forget this! Its a calculator!

Twin 1: Its ours!

Twin 2: Take a picture of this!

Glenn: Sometimes I can´t believe I´m related to them.

Mom: They´re pretty brilliant.

Dad: They certainly are.

Twin 1: Umm, do…umm, 89 X 56.

(Twin 2 presses buttons on calculator. Both twins look at the result)

Both Twins: WHOOOOAHHH!!

Twin 1: Do 17.5 divided by 374.

Twin 2: I´m gonna, whooooaa, I´m gonna try like 9, 9, 9, 9 times 0! (punches the buttons on the calculator, the twins look at the result)

Twin 1: All right, look.

Both Twins: WHOOOOOAAAHHHH!!!!! WHOOOO!!!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(FADE)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

A Message from the Secretary of State Designate

Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on interior, government office. A politician sits at the desk with their back and chair turned to obscure their identity. ]

Announcer: And now, a message from Secretary of State designate, Hillary Clinton.

[ Hillary Clinton turns around, a mischievous grin on her face ]

Hillary Clinton: You thought I was goooone, didn’t you! [ the audience cheers, as Poehler waves to her fans ] Hello! I’m Hillary Clinton, and I am SO excited to come before the American people tonight with the news that I will be serving in Barack Obama’s cabinet as Secretary of State. For me, this job is almost a dream come true! I so look forward to doing whatever Barack Obama ask of me in this difficult time. And, let’s be honest: it is a difficult time. In fact, one could say there has never been a worse time in our nation’s history to step into the presidency. Boo-hoo!

Seriously, would you rather fix the economy, or travel the globe? Point: Hillary! [ she laughs ] I think Barack Obama deserves the chance to fix our problems, and, should he fail to fix them, I guess by using his amazing charisma, or whatever… I will be there to lend my considerable experience. Because in today’s global economy, one could argue there’s no job more essential than Secretary of State. But the question isn’t “Is my new job better than being President?” Or “Is it better than being a senator from New York?” The question is: “Is my new job better than being Governor of Alaska?” [ she smiles smugly ] And the answer is: “Yes!” [ she beams ] “Yes, it is!” But I do want to take a moment… to reflect on Sarah Palin and her historic campaign. MOM IT UP!! BEST OF LUCK TO YA’!!

While I’m excited about the opportunities ahead, I also have a heavy heart. My appointment means that I will be leaving my post as New York’s Junior Senator. It has been such an honor to serve you, the citizens of my home state of New York. [ she chuckles loudly ] Oh, who am I kidding? This is NOT my home state! It NEVER was my home state! [ fast-paced ] Pack up the house in Chappaqua, Bill! What’s that? We never unpacked? Even better! [ she laughs ]

Bill Clinton’s Voice: Did somebody say my name?

[ Bill Clinton enters the frame, much to Hillary’s disappointment ]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, hello, Bill. Hi.

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Bill Clinton: I just want to say how happy we are… to be back in your lives, America. You voted for change… but you ain’t never gonna change this! [ he grasps Hillary’s shoulder ]

Hillary Clinton: We Clintons are here to stay! You may think we’re down, but, like the South, vampires, and Britney Spears… we will rise again!

Bill Clinton: You can complain about us all you want, but we’re gonna keep saying what we’ve been saying for sixteen years.

Hillary Clinton: Bill?

Bill Clinton: After you, Madame Secretary.

Hillary Clinton: “Live! From New York!”

Together: “It’s Saturday Night!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

Goodnights

…..John Malkovich

John Malkovich: [ subdued ] Listen — thanks to T.I., abnd thanks to this cast and crew here, who make this the greatest gig in show business. And, thanks, all of you. Thank you very much.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10

08j: John Malkovich / T.I.

J’accuzzi

Himself/Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont…..John Malkovich
Madame Marie de Tourvel…..Kristen Wiig
Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil…..Michaela Watkins
Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny…..Andy Samberg

[ open on scrolling still imaes of John Malkovich ]

Announcer: John Malkovich. One of the greatest actors of stage and screen, is returning to Broadway to reprise one of his most famous roles: ??, from the 1988 film “Dangerous Liasions”. Except, this time, all the seduction, lust, and deception takes place in a hot tub.

[ dissolve to theatrical poster ]

Announcer: Don’t miss John Malkovich, in… “J’accuzi”.

[ dissolve to Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont and Madame Marie de Tourvel lounging a jaccuzzi ]

Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: You see, within a week I shall have concluded my business.

Madame Marie de Tourvel: I see.

Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Even so… [ he reaches across to her in the hot, steaming waters ] I’m not sure I’ll be able to bring myself to leave.

Madame Marie de Tourvel: Oh, please! [ she pushes him aside ] You must!

[ she attempts to swim away from de Valmont and climb out of the jaccuzzi, but he stops her ]

Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Are you still so… anxious to be rid of me?

Madame Marie de Tourvel: You know the answer to that.

[ dissolve to John Malkovich discussing the performance ]

John Malkovich: “J’accuzzi” is, for me, a… re-imagining of the “Dangerous Liasons” story — and, by “re-imagining”, I mean scenes from the movie, but… this time they take place in a hot tub.

[ dissolve to Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont and Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil lounging a jaccuzzi ]

Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Now! Yes, or no! It’s up to you, of course. I will merely confine myself to remarking that a NO will be regarded as a declaration of war! A single word is ALL that’s required!

Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil: Alright. War! [ she whips out a fan from below the water and begins to fan herself ]

[ dissolve to John Malkovich discussing the performance ]

John Malkovich: If you loved Glenn Close in the original… please call her and tell her that she should be in this production. The girl we have playing her part is not very good. None of the actors are. You would think people would want to work with an actor of my caliber, but it turns out the hot tub is a real deal-breaker.

[ dissolve to Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont engaged in a swordfight duel with Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny, who promptly slays de Valmont to his final death ]

Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny: Fetch the surgeon!

Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Will you do me one final request?

Le Chevalier Raphael Danceny: Of course.

Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont: Take… [ he holds up a stack of wet letters ] these letters. [ and, at that, he drowns beneath the water’s surface ]

[ dissolve to John Malkovich discussing the performance ]

John Malkovich: I know what you’re thinking. I thought up with the title, “J’accuzzi”, first, and then worked backwards to come up with the play. Well… congratulations, geniuses! You caught me! And, the point is, if you want to see me dressed as a French aristocrat, in a hot tub, without getting to know me socially… come see “J’accuzzi”!

[ dissolve to John Malkovich and the cast taking their bows while submerged in the jaccuzzi ]

Announcer: “J’accuzzi”. Now playing at the Wintergarden Theater. Tickets still available — all of them.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts