Category: 2008

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special

Vincent Price…..Bill Hader
Richard Burton…..Alec Baldwin
Carol Channing…..Kristen Wiig
Liberace…..Fred Armisen
Elizabeth Taylor…..Casey Wilson

[ open on TV Land splash screen ]

Announcer: You’re watching TV Land, which means you’ve liked the same stuff for forty years. Hey! Good for you! Up next: “Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special”.

[ dissolve to Price black-and-white set ]

[ Price cackles with laughter as he appears from behind a revolving wall ]

Vincent Price: Valentine’s Day! That special day when the pulse quickens —

[ the wall continues to revolve back into the opposite room ]

Vincent Price: Wait!! Wait!! Wait a minute!! Go back the other way!

[ the wall reverses its track and holds still in the appropriate spot ]

Vincent Price: Valentine’s Day! That special day when the pulse quickens —

[ the wall again begins to revolve back into the opposite room ]

Vincent Price: Stop! You’re doing it again! No! Go to the package!!

[ cut to title splash screen ]

Announcer: And now, Colgate Presents: Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special! Please welcome your host — Lord of the Shadow, Vincent Price!

[ dissolve back to Price, rubbing the cobwebs off his smoking jacket ]

Vincent Price: Good evening. For 364 days out of the year, the sight of a diapered baby-man with a bow and arrow would be cause for alarm! But, today, ’tis cause for celebration! So, tonight, we have decided to invite our favorite couples over to exchange valentines — and teach us the true meaning of love! First, let’s welcome Tinseltown’s favorite lovers: Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton!!

[ Richard Burton enters the room, alone ]

Richard Burton: Where do you keep your Scotch, Price? I ran out on the drive over.

Vincent Price: Oh. Oh, Richard, where’s Elizabeth?

Richard Burton: Oh, she’s in the car! We got into a fight! She says I’m unkind. That foul, insolent COW of a woman!!

Vincent Price: Let’s just… relax, Richard. The theme of our show, after all, is true love.

Richard Burton: There’s nothing more on Earth I love more than that woman. [ a car horn honks ] Dear God, she’s discovered the horn! There is only one thing that can cure this rage: where do you keep your meat, Price? I need meats and butters and a basket and a stick, and some twine to affix the basket to the stick!

Vincent Price: [ he chuckles nervously ] Ah ha, alright… Il’l let you know what I find… [ the doorbell rings ] Oh! The door! Not a minute too soon! Joining us now, from the hit Broadway show, “Hello Dolly!” — the radiant Carol Channing, and her husband Charles!

[ Carol Channing saunters into the room, alone ]

Carol Channing: Raaaaaspberries!

Vincent Price: Well… hello, Carol. Where’s Charles, your valentine?

Carol Channing: Oh, deeear! I thought you said to bring the Ballantine! [ she holds up a bottle ]

Richard Burton: Please… and thank you! [ he grabs the bottle and walks off ]

Vincent Price: Al-right… [ Channing holds her pose to the camera and saunters off ] Okay. Alright, well, we’re 0 for 2 on couples, but fortunately we’re going to be treated to some romantic music — with LIBERACE and his FEMALE COMPANION!!

[ cut to Liberace pounding the piano keys with a wide smile ]

Liberace: Well, hello, Mister! And hello, young lovers!

Vincent Price: Liberace, where’s your date?

Liberace: Well, the fleet shipped out yesterday! [ he laughs ]

Vincent Price: You know, a scret isn’t a secret when you make no effort to HIDE IT! Well, just because it’s Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean we can’t… get a bit spooky. Oh, Carol?

Carol Channing: Ye-e-esss, Vincent?

Vincent Price: [ he steps closer and clutches a box of chocolates on a buffet table ] I was wondering if you would like some… chocolates?

Carol Channing: Oo-ooh, thank you, Vincent!

Vincent Price: I just hope things don’t get out of… hand!

[ Price lifts the lid off the box, to no effect until an arm rises from a hole at the other end of the table ]

Vincent Price: [ he shrugs and replaces the lid ] Great. Alright, Tina, did somebody move this box?!

Richard Burton: [ stepping forward ] Uh, Vincent — do you mind if I take two chocolates? [ a car horn sounds ] Uh, four chocolates. [ a car horn sounds ] Uh — all the chocolates. [ he grabs the box ]

Vincent Price: Go for it.

[ Burton stands by the open front door ]

Richard Burton: HERE!! [ he throws the box out the door ] Feed! Graze! Does this placate you, you wolvereine?! [ a car horn sounds ]

Vincent Price: Will you shut that woman UP?!!

Richard Burton: That woman is an angel! And don’t you ever forget it!

[ cut to Channing, leaning over the buffet table carressing the mysterious hand ]

Carol Channing: Vincent! Me and the hand have hit it off! We’re in lo-ovvve!

Vincent Price: Seriously, Carol? What’s so great about a strange hand sticking through a hole?

Liberace: Plenty! [ he laughs ]

Vincent Price: WATCH IT, LIBERACE!! You’re not at home. [ he composes himself ] Now, to conclude our show, I will serenade our… lovers. [ the lights dim, as Liberace tinkles the keys ] “My funny Valentine…”

[ as Price sings, Elizabeth Taylor storms into the scene and initiates a physical squabble with Burton, which quickly turns into a make-out session, the likes of which delight Liberace as they lean against the piano keys and interrupt Price ]

Vincent Price: Whoa, hey! Whoa, hey! Guys! What’s going on here?! What are you doing?!

Richard Burton: Oh, I’m sorry. Is there someone here who doesn’t like watching a man and woman make love?

[ Liberace raises his hand and smiles ]

Vincent Price: Why can’t you two just behave, like Carol?!

[ cut to Channing sitting atop the buffet table, enjoying the musterious hand beneath ]

Vincent Price: Carol! Where’s the hand?

Carol Channing: I’ll never tell!

Vincent Price: Great. Just… great. Let’s wrap it up! [ poetically ] Lovers of the night, fear not the racing of your hearts! You may just be… in love! Hapy Valentine’s Day, everybody!

[ Price stands before the revolving wall and pulls from a cord, to no avail ]

Vincent Price: How long do I have to tug on this thing before something happens?

[ Liberace steps forward with a smile ]

Vincent Price: Don’t say anything, Liberace!!

[ cut to title splash screen ]

Announcer: This has been Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day Special! Thanks for watching!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

High-Profile Project

Carl…..Will Forte
Jerry…..Bill Hader
Troy…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on exterior, office building ]

[ dissolve to interior, conference room ]

[ Carl enters, joining Troy and Jerry ]

Carl: Troy, Jerry… so sorry to keep you waiting. I was on the conference call from HELL!

Jerry: I’ve been there, Carl. Don’t worry about it. I knew this was a tough day for you and Troy.

Troy: And, with all of our hectic schedules, I’m just happy we were able to find a day that worked for all of us.

Carl: Yeah, well, thanks for understanding. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls.

Troy: Uh, hey — before we start, maybe we should pick a date for our next meeting, so we can get that out of the way.

Carl: That’s a great idea, Troy. We’re going to be buried up to our chin straps once we get goingon this high-profile project. Let’s see… [ consults his appointment book ] How is Monday for you guys?

Jerry: Monday is no good for me. I’m getting my teeth cleaned.

Troy: Yeah, I’ve got to take my car into the shop for an oil change. Hw about Tuesday?

Carl: Well, Tuesday’s no good for me. I’ve got to get fitted for a new toupee. This one doesn’t quite give me the coverage I was hoping for. How about, uh… [ consults his appointment book ] Wednesday?

Jerry: I can’t do Wednesday. I’ve got to pick up my aunt and bring her across town. It’s not going to be easy. She weighs 400 pounds.

Carl: Aw, dammit! This is gonna be harder than I thought. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls! Okay, uh… [ consults his appointment book ] How about Thursday?

Troy: Uh, I can’t do Thursday. I’m going to a bris. I’m kind of nervous. Hope it doesn’t hurt as much as my first one. Uh… [ consults his appointment book ] How about Friday?

Jerry: No, I’m having a cat tail sown on my upper butt so my little daughter will want to play with me.

Troy: She likes cats?

Jerry: I sure hope she does.

Carl: Well, I hate to work on weekends, but, again, this is a high-profile project, and we’re going to be buried up to our chinstraps. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls! Uh — so, uh — what do you have on Saturday?

Troy: I’m out for Saturday. I got to tell my son he’s gay. I don’t imagine he and his wife are going to take it very well. Sunday?

Carl: Ah… I don’t know. How long does an autopsy take?

Jerry: Generally 4 hours.

Carl: Well, let’s see… four times five… Nah! Sunday’s out for me. Let’s see… [ consults his appointment book ] How about, uh, Monday?

Jerry: No, I’m having my collarbone removed so I can fit through a doggy door.

Troy: Your daughter loves puppies?

Jerry: No, I’m just locked out of the house.

Carl: You guys! Reminder! High profile, chinstraps! [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls!! [ consults his appointment book ] Okay, uh, how about next Monday?

Troy: Uh, next Monday is bad for me. I’ll be in a gas station bathroom in Queens. They have a glory hole there that I really, really enjoy.

Jerry: [ winces ] I’m volunteering at a glory hole on Monday.

Troy: 11:30?

Jerry: 11:30!

Troy: No way, where?

Jerry: 73rd and Broadway.

Troy: Well, I’ll See you there!

Jerry: No, you won’t — it’s a glory hole.

[ they chuckle ]

Troy: Boys, we’re really in a jam here.

Carl: Ohhh, boy, I’ll say. [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls!!!

Jerry: We need to come at this thing from a new angle.

Carl: Oh, great idea! [ picks up phone ] Carol, let a call through! [ phone rings, as Carl presses a button ] Talk to me! Okay. [hangs up ] Well, I just got fired. So, I guess that frees up my schedule. You want to do it right now?

Troy: Sure, I’m free.

Jerry: I’d LOVE to do it right now!

Carl: [ into intercom ] Carol, hold my calls!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Republican Congressional Leadership Meeting

John Boehner…..Dan Aykroyd
Panelist 1…..Darrell Hammond
Eric…..Andy Samberg
Tom…..Jason Sudeikis
Panelist 2…..Kristen Wiig
Dave…..Will Forte

[ open on exterior, Congress ]

[ SUPER: “Republican Congressional Leadership Meeting, Friday 11am” ]

[ dissolve to interior, conference room ]

John Boehner: [ on phone ] Well, please let us know, because we’re all here waiting. [ audience cheers ] Alright, here’s the deal: Pelosi says the Democratic House and the Senate members want to work out their version of the bill, and then show it to us for our input.

Panelist 1: So basically, we’re being cut out.

John Boehner: [ smiling ] Looks that way.

Eric: That’s great!

Tom: Perfect! They’re not letting us participate AT ALL!!

Panelist 2: It’s like we don’t even exist!

Dave: We’re totally powerless! [ high-fives ANS ]

John Boehner: You’re right. It’s just what we hoped for: Complete political irrelevance. Now… when the stimulus bill causes, you know, the economy to go bad, I think we could actually have a bad economy. We get to say, “Don’t blame us. We had nothing to do with it. “We wanted to leave the economy alone.”

Panelist 1: Exactly. Unless I’ve lost my political instincts, that, my friends, is a winning campaign issue.

Tom: Yep! Yep! So barring some miracle, next election we’re back in the majority.

John Boehner: You can take it to the bank.

Panelist 2: I can’t believe he’s playing into our hands like this.

Panelist 1: [ chuckling ] Speaking of playing into our hands, did anyone catch the President’s press conference this week? What a disaster!

Tom: The single most embarrassing public appearance by a U.S. President in history.

Dave: Did you see that first question, where he was asked about the state of the economy, and he proceeds to give a detailed seven-minute answer citing specific figures on unemployment, mortgage default rates, and credit markets… and making the case for government intervention. I’m like, “Okay, what?!”

Panelist 2: Hello! Too much information!

Panelist 1: You had me, then you lost me.

John Boehner: It was painful to watch.

Eric: Yeah, I mean, I actually felt sorry for the guy. I did.

Tom: I-I-I mean, if it was a fight, they would have stopped it.

John Boehner: And, and, and how about when he said, I kid you not, he actually said this: “One thing I’m not going to do is go back to the failed policies of the last eight years.”

Eric: [ guffaws ] Air ball!

Panelist 1: A swing and a miss!

Panelist 2: Definitely not his best moment.

Tom: Yeah! That one rolled foul!

Dave: Sean Hannity had a great line about the press conference. He said, “This is change we can believe in? “Not if you ask me.”

[ everyone laughs uproariously ]

Panelist 2: That is hilarious!

John Boehner: That’s a great line.

Dave: Hannity’s brilliant.

Eric: Yep, smartest man in America.

Tom: Now, wait a minute. Sean Hannity is the smartest man in America?

Eric: [ meekly ] In my opinion, yes.

Tom: [ laughs ] Smarter than Rush?

Eric: I think he’s as smart as Rush.

Tom: No, that’s idiotic! No! No one is as smart as Rush Limbaugh! NOBODY!! [ points his finger ] You need to take that back!

John Boehner: Hey, uh — a man’s entitled to his opinion.

Tom: No, I’m sorry, John, no! Some things are just beyond the pale.

John Boehner: Look, um — as Republicans, we don’t have to agree on everything. You like Rush, Eric here likes Sean, and someone else might like Michael Savage. We’re a big tent party, but at the end of the day we stick together, and that’s the reason we’re on such a hot streak.

Dave: I agree. Our party’s at the top of its game, and that’s why now is the perfect time for impeachment.

[ everyone echoes their agreemnt ]

Dave: We’re united. We’ll get EVERY Republican vote.

John Boehner: I don’t know, Dave. Remember… Obama’s only been president for three weeks.

Dave: I’m telling you, impeaching Obama is a political winner.

John Boehner: No question about that. I just wonder if you’re going to get many Democrats to vote for impeachment.

Dave: I think they will. I mean, after that press conference Monday? [ chuckles and holds his nose ] Pee-yoo!

Panelist 2: He laid an egg with that one.

Tom: Yeah! Yeah!

Dave: Unless I’m very wrong, a lot of democrats we’ll be looking to cut this guy loose. I mean, for them, impeachment is the smart move.

John Boehner: My gut tells me it’s too soon. Maybe in April.

Eric: Well, can we at least raise the issue of the White House sleep-overs?

John Boehner: Refresh my memory.

Panelist 1: The President said recently that his daughters will be inviting their friends over to the White House for sleep-overs.

John Boehner: Oh.

Dave: Look, it’s a dynamite issue! I mean, we’re talking about God knows how many 7 to 10-year-old girls staying over at the White House, wandering around, causing who knows how much wear and tear on the carpeting? I mean, to say nothing of the increased utility bills and the cost of the snacks involved? I mean, why should the American taxpayer be footing the bill for this madness?

Eric: Yeah. And, you know, unless I’m politically tone-deaf, the whole country is waiting to see those Obama kids taken down a peg. [ chuckles ] Especially the younger one.

John Boehner: I agree. Going after the Obama girls is political gold. But it’s got to be done very carefully. I’ll tell you why. Otherwise, there’s a chance it could be counter-productive. [ his phone rings ] Hang on. [ picks up ] Boehner. Ah. No, I see. Thank you for calling. [ hangs up ] That was Pelosi. They’re nowhere near finished, so they decided to adjourn for today.

Panelist 1: The entire Washington press corps is outside. What are we supposed to talk about?

Eric: How about the sleep-overs? It’s the perfect time.

[ everyone agrees ]

John Boehner: Young man, I like your instincts. Let’s do it!

[ everyone adjourns the room, except for DAH ]

[ Boehner steps back in a moment later with a poster of the Obama daughters that reads “Where’s The Outrage?” ]

John Boehner: Majority, here we come!

Panelist 1: Oh, and before I forget… “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Jonas Brothers
Wizard…..Bill Hader

(Scene opens with Jonas Brothers on a couch backstage. A door opens and Andy comes in.)

Andy Samberg: Well, hello.

Nick Jonas: Hey, Andy.

Kevin Jonas: What’s up, Andy?

Andy Samberg: What’s up? The jig — the jig is up.

Joe Jonas: (confused look) What are you talking about?

Andy Samberg: I’m talking about your secret. (Confused looks on the Jonas Brothers’ faces) I know what it is. And I have the VHS tape to prove it. (Walks over to put in the tape to find out that there is only a DVD player) Where’s you guys’ VCR?

(7 HOURS LATER)

Andy Samberg: You turds got anything to say before I play this?

(They also shake their heads)

Nick Jonas: No.

Andy Samberg: Ok. (Puts tape into the VCR)

(Shows a 80’s like music video of a band called Property of the Queen. Song title: “Struck by Lightning”)

Lead singer (supposedly Joe): (singing) “I got struck.. by lightningAnd it really hurt!I got struck.. BY LIGHTING!!…And I’m really, really burnt!If you want to know what happened to me, I’ll explain it all in depth.I got struck.. by lighting, BUT I’M NOT DEAD!!!!”

(Back to Andy)

Andy Samberg: Those guys looks familiar, wouldn’t you say?

Nick Jonas: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Andy.

Kevin Jonas: No.

Andy Samberg: This tape is from 1983!

Nick Jonas: Crazy.

Andy Samberg: Shall we watch another one?

(Shows another music video by the same band. Song title: “Africa”)

(Shows a drummer, then two of the three guitar players (Kevin and Nick). The one on the left turns a gazelle into the other guitar player. Shows two guys playing guitar (Nick and Will Forte). The lead singer doing a one arm pushup.)

Lead singer: (singing)”AFRICA, I’VE BEEN TO AFRICA!AFRICA.. I BROKE A SWEAT!”

(End of music video)

Andy Samberg: That’s from 25 years ago.

Nick Jonas: Really holds up.

Andy Samberg: (raises voice) That’s not the point!

(Joe makes a sound that shows that he’s not impressed)

Andy Samberg: What are you….highlanders?

Nick Jonas: Come on, man!

Andy Samberg: Ok.. let’s just watch another one then….just as fans.

(Shows another music video of the same band. Only three of them are present (Kevin, Joe, Nick) Song title: Our Secret. All three of them humming……)

All three of them: (singing) “Everlasting life..”

(Turn their heads and look in the same direction. End of music video)

(Back to Andy)

Andy Samberg: Busted! Just admit it.

Kevin Jonas: None of that stuff proves anything!

Andy Samberg: ONE MORE!

(Last video. Same band. Song title: “Ask the Wizard”. Screen shows a wizard)

(Singing)

Band: “Ask the Wizard!”

Lead Singer: “Dark secret that you’ll never tell……..”

Band: “Ask the Wizard!”

Lead Singer: ” Make a wish and he’ll cast a spell…..”

Band: “Ask the Wizard!”

Lead Singer: “Gonna rock one day on SNL………”

Band: “Ask the Wizard!”

Lead Singer: “Valentine’s Day show 2009!!!!!!!!”

(Screen shows “SNL VALENTINES DAY 2009”. Video ends)

(Back to Andy)

(Andy crossing his arms.)

(Quiet moment for four seconds…)

Nick Jonas: How much money do you want?

Joe and Kevin Jonas: (unison) Shut up. Nick!!

Nick Jonas: He knows.. I’m not gonna throw it all away!!

Andy Samberg: I don’t want your money…. I just wanna know how you stayed so young?

Kevin Jonas: This guy. (Kevin points to the left and the camera turns to the wizard sitting on the couch)

Wizard: (holding a bottle) What up, dude?

Andy Samberg: How are you?

Wizard: Crazy, right.

(End of skit)

Submitted by: Gracie Kudiwu

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16


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08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Oscar Rogers…..Kenan Thompson
Angelina Jolie…..Abby Elliott
Angie Tempura…..Michaela Watkins
Joaquin Phoenix…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: “Weekend Update, with Seth Meyers”.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

The Senate, on Friday, gave final approval to the $787 billion economic stimulus package. The 1,073-page bill is titled “The American Recovery And Reinvestment Act”. Though, what many see as a troubling sign, it’s subtitled “For Dummies”.

NASA reported that two communications satellites, on Tuesday, collided in orbit, which explains why my OnStar kept screaming, “Save yourself!”

Barack Obama, on Tuesday, became the tenth American president to call on Helen Thomas at a White House press conference. And she asked the same first question she always does: “How will you end slavery?”

In an interview with ESPN, Alex Rodriguez admitted, Monday, that he’s taken steroids, though apparently, never in October.

Seth Meyers: Yesterday, the economic stimulus package was passed by the Senate. Here to comment, is Weekend update’s very own financial expert, Oscar Rogers.

Oscar Rogers: Hello, Seth! How are you, Seth?

Seth Meyers: Hi, Oscar. You seem like you’re in good spirits.

Oscar Rogers: I am, Seth. I really am. You know, I’ve appeared on the show several times, in order to illustrate how we might fix our present economic woes. And I am thrilled to announce that it has been FIXED! Obama and his stimulus plan FIXED IT!

Seth Meyers: Okay, so you’re not worried at all that the stimulus might falter?

Oscar Rogers: Oh, no no no — they FIXED IT!!

Seth Meyers: Okay. But what if…

Oscar Rogers: FIXED IT!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Oscar Rogers: This influx of money into our economy will FIX IT! And, now, with Valentine’s upon us, we can celebrate and DO IT!

Seth Meyers: What are you talking about?

Oscar Rogers: DO IT! You know… doing it with your valentine. You have a valentine, Seth?

Seth Meyers: No, no. Not at the moment.

Oscar Rogers: Well, you need to FIX THAT! So you can DO IT with your valentine. It’s a three-step process: 1. DO IT! 2. Rest yourself. 3. Do it once more. And, 4. Bag it up and do it again!

Seth Meyers: First of all, that was a four-step process.

Oscar Rogers: I know! I work with numbers.

Seth Meyers: Do you? Let me make sure I understand you correctly. Uh — the economy has been fixed, and now it’s time to have sex?

Oscar Rogers: Oh, I didn’t say that. I said it was time to DO IT! It needs to be dirty. ‘Cause once it’s FIXED, it’s time to DO IT!

Seth Meyers: Oscar Rogers, everyone!

Oscar Rogers: Happy Valentines!

Seth Meyers: While on a goodwill trip to Sierra Leone, actress Salma Hayek nursed another woman’s baby boy. However, the moment was marred when the baby burst.

Hayek said she nursed the boy because she noticed he was hungry. And, in a related story: [ mocks crying ] “Waah!”

Angelina Jolie: Hey, sweet pea.

Seth Meyers: Oh. Angelina Jolie. What are you doing here?

Angelina Jolie: I heard a baby crying.

Seth Meyers: Oh. Okay, well, that was me. It was a joke.

Angelina Jolie: So, is there a baby out here?

Seth Meyers: Uh, no, Angelina. There’s no baby here.

Angelina Jolie: Oh. [ points ] Is that a baby?

Seth Meyers: No, that’s a cameraman.

Angelina Jolie: Well, what’s that he’s holding? Is that a baby?

Seth Meyers: No, no, that’s a camera.

Angelina Jolie: Well, let me know if you see any babies, sugarplum.

Seth Meyers: Okay. So… are you excited about the Oscars?

Angelina Jolie: Bye.

[ she exits ]

Seth Meyers: Bye. Angelina Jolie, everyone.

Federal prosecutors want to send former mayor and current Washington, D.C. Council member, Marion Barry, to jail because they say he failed to file tax returns for 8 of the last 9 years. Barry is expected to plead, “Bitch set me up!”

Dr. Michael Kamrava, the in vitro fertilization specialist, who helped Nadia Suleman conceive eight babies has reportedly impregnated a 49-year-old woman with quadruplets. I don’t know what an appointment with Dr. Kamrava is like, but I imagine it starts a little something like this: [ rubs his hands together in a greedy manner ]

Seth Meyers: As the Oscars approach, coverage and criticism of the various nominees has been ramping up, especially among celebrity bloggers. Here with a no holds barred commentary, from the notoriously snarky website, bitchpleeze.com, blogger Angie Tempura.

[ Angie Tempura appears, sipping from a frozen Starbucks treat ]

Angie Tempura: [ low-key ] Hi, Seth. It’s a thrill to be here.

Seth Meyers: Okay. Alright, Angie, go ahead.

Angie Tempura: Okay. Here’s who’s hot, and who’s definitely not. In Best Supporting Actress: Amy Adams. [ image: Amy Adams with “What’s Up?” and an up arrow drawn on ] As a princess in “Enchanted”, she’s hot. As a nun in “Doubt”, she’s not! Bi-i-i-itch, please!

Speaking of doubt, I doubt Marisa Tomei will win with those B-cups! [ image: Marisa Tomei with circles drawn over her breasts with “B cups” pointing to them ]

[ Angie Tempura snaps her fingers and dances in her seat, then sips her Starbucks ]

Angie Tempura: And, Taraji P. Hanson? [ image: Taraji P. Hanson with “WTF” written over her ] WTF? Is that a name? Or a blood disease?

Seth Meyers: That is pretty critical. Let me just ask: Is blogging your full-time job?

Angie Tempura: No. I do data entry at Kaiser Permanente.

Seth Meyers: Okay. Well, continue.

Angie Tempura: Okay. Best schmactor. Here’s who should win the Oscar the Grouch Award: Brad The Pitts! [ image: Brad Pitt, with “The Pitts” written over him ] For his role in “The Curious Case of Some Old Man Baby”! [ she shakes her body and sips her Starbucks ]

Speaking of old men: Frank Langella, in “Frost/Nixon”. [ image: Frank Langella ] More like: who’s that. and who gives a F?

And don’t get me started on Robert “The Downer” Jr. [ image: Robert Downey, Jr., with circle drawn around his face and “Dumb Face” scribbled next to it ] I hope he doesn’t win anything ever except first placein a human stain contest!

Seth Meyers: Why do you hate these people so much?

Angie Tempura: Because they’re losers.

Seth Meyers: Can I just ask you one thing? Do you know who the president is?

[ she laughs, but doesn’t answer ]

Seth Meyers: And can you find North America on this map?

[ she looks, then just makes noises with her mouth ]

Seth Meyers: And what’s the name of that brown-haired guy on TMZ?

Angie Tempura: Harvey Levin.

Seth Meyers: Alright, that’s enough! Blogger Angie Pempura, everyone. Get out of here. Drink your coffee. Have some coffee.

Colonel Sanders’ handwritten recipe for fried chicken was returned to KFC headquarters in Kentucky this week, after five months in hiding while security around it was upgraded. Spoiler alert: it’s salt, everybody! The secret ingredient is salt!

A homeless man in Florida, who claimed to be the drummer for the rock band Foreigner, allegedly tricked a woman into letting him use her Corvette and then promptly crashed it. Fortunately, he got out of jail in time to make his appearance on Letterman. [ image: Joaquin Phoenix ]

[ Seth turns to discover Joaquin Phoenix seated next to him ]

Seth Meyers: Noooo! Joaquin Phoenix.

[ Phoenix looks at Seth, then just scratches his beard without uttering a word ]

Seth Meyers: So, um… what’s up, man?

[ Phoenix looks down at the floor, then returns his gaze to Seth ]

Joaquin Phoenix: What?

Seth Meyers: Um… so, uh, I-I-I just heard you were quitting acting to pursue a hip-hop career.

Joaquin Phoenix: Yeah. [ no elaboration ]

Seth Meyers: Good for you.

Joaquin Phoenix: Yeah. But now I’m quitting hip-hop… to pursue a telling jokes career.

Seth Meyers: A telling jokes career?

[ Phoenix’s only response is to look up into the rafters ]

Seth Meyers: Lights.

Joaquin Phoenix: [ he looks up again ] Yeah.

Seth Meyers: So, since you’re out here, do you want to tell a joke?

Joaquin Phoenix: [ straightening his cuffs ] Yeah. [ he points toward the camera, until he notices the accompanying image next to his head ] “Tiger woods’ wife gave birth… to the couple’s second child. It’s a baby boy… who came in at 7 pounds, 8 ounces under par.” [ he looks around and smiles ]

[ Seth starts to comment, but Phoenix quickly wheels himself away from the set ]

Seth Meyers: We need better security out here!

Police in Ohio say an 18-year-old ordered more than $37,000 worth of candy online and charged the bill to his former high school. Though, if you’re 18 and the only thing you can think of to spend $37,000 on is candy, maybe a little jail time will do you some good.

Today is Valentine’s Day, so we just want to say to everyone watching at home: Better luck next year!

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Warrior Shake

Dad…..Alec Baldwin
Brother 1…..Jason Sudeikis
Brother 2…..Bill Hader
Mom…..Michaela Watkins

(Opens with an outside shot of a suburban house at night. Cut to the basement of the house. Two brothers play a Wii video game on TV.)

Brother 1: Good, good , good. There you go.

Brother 2: Uh-huh…

(Video game sounds, steady beeping. Brother 1 instructs Brother 2 and he shakes the control with his two hands)

Brother 1: Go up there, now good…you got it, ok, there you go.

(Dad comes down the stairs to the basement)

Dad: Hey, guys…your mother just made dinner.

Brother 1: Hey, Dad.

Dad: Let´s try and wrap it up.

Brother 1: Ok. Oh dad, you got to try this! Its an awesome game from the Wii. Ok, get the sack of coins. (Brother 2 keeps shaking the control, more beeping) Ok, now shake it! There you go.

(Brother 2 shakes the remote, beeps faster, coins jingling. Game stops)

Dad: What the hell is this thing?

Brother 1: Its called “Warrior Shake”. You´re that little dude running around and you attack your enemies by shaking the hell out of them.

Brother 2: There you go.

Brother 1: Or you can shake stacks of coins for more points. You want to try?

Dad: Oh, no. I wouldn´t know.

Brother 2: Come on, dad. Try it. Its great.

Dad: Oh, ok. All right.

(Dad gets the game´s remote control)

Brother 1: There you go.

Dad: So, I´m little fat guy?

Brother 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah…

Brother 2: Grab that sack right there. (points TV)

Dad: Like this? (game starts, video game sounds)

Brother 2: Now shake the coins out…shake!

Brother 1: There you go, you got it.

Dad: Like this? (dad plays with the remote with both hands)

Brother 2: Yeah, you´re getting a few, there you go.

Brother 1: Yeah, dad, you really want to shake it if you want the coins.

Dad: Ok, I´m trying.

Brother 1: Come on, shake it, shake it!

Dad: Like this? (dad takes the Wii´s remote with his right hand and begins to shake it vigorously in a vertical motion in front of his groin) How about this?!

(Video game beeping increases )

Brother 1: There you go!

Dad: Yeah!

Brother 1: That´s right!

(The two brothers get more excited as dad whacks away the Wii´s remote )

Brother 2: There you go!

Dad: Yeah!

Brothers: Yeah!

Dad: Yeah!, yeah!

Brother 1: That´s right!

Dad: Oooh, oooh, oooh, man!

(Game climaxes, coins jingling, game stops)

Brother 2: That´s the most coins I´ve ever seen!

Dad: Not bad for an old man, huh?

Brother 1: No, no. How did you do that?

Dad: Oh, I don´t know. I just did what came natural.

Brother 2: Do it again, do it again.

Dad: Oh, I don´t think I could do it again so soon.

Brother 1: Oh, come on, dad. You gotta try.

Dad: Ok, can I use my other hand?

Brother 1: Sure, yeah, yeah…

Brother 2: Oh, there´s a huge sack of coins. (points TV)

Brother 1: Ok, there you go. Daddy, grab that sack and shake, shake, there you go.

(Game restarts, video game beeping, dad whacks away at the Wii´s remote with his left hand)

Dad: Ok, whoa, it feels so weird. Its like someone else is playing. I´m gonna switch hands. (switches to his right hand and whacks away the Wii´s remote) There we go!

Brother 1: There we go! Yeah! Oh, yeah!

Dad: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

(The brothers get excited, dad whacks away Wii´s remote near his groin furiously)

Dad: Watch what I´m doing! Oh, Wow! ( Climax, coins jingling, game stops) That was incredible! I didn´t know video games were like this. Hey, can we do two players?

Brother 1: Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah…(grabs the second player remote)

Dad: Show me your technique.

Brother 1: Ok. All right.

Brother 2: There a massive sack of coins right there. (points TV)

Dad: Oh, I saw it before you did. Let’s go! (game restarts, video game beeping) Shake!

Brother 2: Shake it!

Dad: Shake! (Brother 1 and Dad whack away on the Wii´s remotes. Brother 1 grabs the remote with his hand over it instead of under it) Yeah, I´m gonna empty my sack before you do!

Brother 1: Bring it on, dad!

Brother 2: Go!, Go!, Go!, Go!

Dad: Come on! (Dad looks at Brother 1´s technique) You´re not doing it right!

Brother 1: What do you mean?

Dad: Stop being so gentle with that thing! Here, let me show you.

(Dad grabs both Wii´s remotes and whacks away hard)

Dad and Brothers 1 and 2: Oh!, oh!, oh!, oh!, oh!

(Dad whacks away his remote in front of his groin and the other in front of Brother 1´s groin. Video game beeping, the three are excited as hell)

(Mom comes down the stairs)

Mom: Boys! Boys! What´s going on down here?

(Dad whacks away on both Wii´s remotes located in front of both brother´s groin)

Brother 1: Hold up, Mom! Don´t come down! Don´t come down!

(Dad whacks away like a madman)

Dad: WE´RE COMING! WE´RE COMING! OH, LOOK HONEY, I´M PLAYING WITH MY Wii-i-i-i-i!!!

(Game climax, coins jingling, dad and the brothers drop in the couch behind them)

Mom: Oh, my God! Oh, my goodness! You guys were having fun.

Dad: Oh, honey. You got to try this.

Brother 1: Yeah, all you gotta do is…

Dad: Oh, trust me. Your mother´s gonna be a natural.

(Game restarts. Mom grabs the Wii´s remote and jerks it up and down up to her face)

Mom: All right. Here we go. Whoo!

Brother 1: Nice.

(Cut to outside the house again)

(Cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

March 7th, 2009

Dwayne Johnson

Ray LaMontagne

None

Richard Dean Anderson

Justin Timberlake

Jessica Biel

John Mulaney

A Message from the Secretary of the TreasurySummary: Timothy Geithner (Will Forte) invites voters to suggest a better financial plan.

Transcript

Montage

Dwayne Johnson’s MonologueSummary: Dwayne Johnson proves his toughness with a well-choreographed song=and-dance number.

First Hosted: 99o.

MacGruberSummary: MacGruber’s (Will Forte) ego clashes with new guy MacGyver (Richard Dean Anderson).

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

The Rock ObamaSummary: Rahm Emanuel imagines that President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) has the ability to become angry and morph into The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) Obama during a visit from Republican senators.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Rahm Emanuel, Sen. John McCain.

Transcript

MacGruberSummary: MacGruber (Will Forte) is mad that dad MacGyver (Richard Dean Anderson) abandoned him as a child.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

Activia Commercial ShootSummary: Jamie Lee Curtis (Kristen Wiig) enjoys soiling her pants during an Activia commercial shoot.

Recurring Characters: Jamie Lee Curtis.

Hawaiian BarSummary: Hawaiian musicians (Fred Armisen, Dwayne Johnson) mock tourists in search of an authentic island experience.

Transcript

MacGruberSummary: MacGruber (Will Forte) swears he’ll take a dump on dad MacGyver’s (Richard Dean Anderson) ashes after he dies.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

Ray LaMontagne performs “You Are The Best Thing”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Republican Party President Michael Steele (Kenan Thompson) makes excuses for having apologized to Rush Limbaugh. Comics page character Cathy (Andy Samberg) acks when her husband Irving (Justin Timberlake) runs off with Jessica Rabbit (Jessica Biel). Jon Bovi (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte) feel no shame in being a Bon Jovi Opposite Band.

Recurring Characters: Cathy, Jon Bovi.

Game Time With Dave And GregSummary: Dave Delmonte’s (Dwayne Johnson) efforts to convince callers that co-host Greg (Bill Hader) is not an alien prove to be fruitless.

Transcript

Apprentice Commercial ShootSummary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) promotes his latest incarnation of “Celebrity Apprentice”.

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Tom Green, Joan Rivers.

Ray LaMontagne performs “Trouble”

Lighthouse DateSummary: A guy (Dwayne Johnson) who lives in a lighthouse turns down the lights to woo a date (Kristen Wiig) and leaves sea-faring individuals stranded on the rocks below.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

Game Time with Dave and Greg

Dave Delmonte…..Dwayne Johnson
Greg…..Bill Hader
Caller 1…..Fred Armisen
Caller 2…..Darrell Hammond
Caller 3…..Bobby Moynihan
Caller 4…..Seth Meyers
Randy Dukes…..Kenan Thompson

[ title card ]

[ dissolve to sports talk show set, featuring a jovial Dave seated next to a ?? Greg ]

Dave Delmonte: Hi! And welcome to another edition of “Game Time with Dave and Greg”, your one-stop shop for sports talk! I’m former NFL linebacker Dave Delmonte… and, with me, as always, is my co-host Greg — [ quickly ] Greg is not an alien! And, today, we’ve got just one topic: March Madness. We’re a week away from Selection Sunday. Who’s going to be in, and who’s going to be out? Let’s go to the phones. Caller, are you there?

Caller 1: Um, yeah, uh — this is Chuck in Seacaucus. Um — look, you guys, I love the show. I gotta say, Dave, you were wrong about O.U. I mean, wow, man, can you spell “upset”?

Dave Delmonte: Alright, alright! You got me! Way to go, Chuck!

Greg: [ in a deep, slow alien-like voice ] Way to goooooo… Chuck! [ laughs ]

Caller 1: Yeah, uh — I gotta say about Greg. The guy’s an alien, right? I mean, he talks weird, he’s got no eyebrows, he don’t know nothing about Earth, you know? I don’t — I — I love the show.

Dave Delmonte: Thank you, Caller! And Greg is NOT an alien!

Greg: [ laughs ] Way to goooooo… Chuck!

Dave Delmonte: [ pats Greg’s hand ] Shhhhh… We’re gonna take a break. Back in a few minutes with more “Game Time”!

[ cut to title graphic ]

Announcer: Do you love “Game Time”? Well, now you can love in twelve months a year, with the new “Game Time” calendar…

[ reveal calendar graphic, which flips to reveal posed photos of Dave and Greg from over the years. Note that Greg’s image remains consistent, while Dave physically ages over the years. ]

Announcer: …featuring classic photos from twenty-five years of America’s greatest sports show. Make EVERY month a slam dunk with the “Game Time” calendar! Greg is not an alien.

[ return to sports talk set ]

Dave Delmonte: [ leans in to whisper to Greg ] Also, you don’t have to call everyone Chuck.

Greg: Ohhhhh…

Dave Delmonte: We all have different names.

Greg: Riiiight.

Dave Delmonte: If you’re not sure, you just say “Hello.” Or — or “How do you do?”

Greg: “Hellooooo… howwwww do you do?”

Dave Delmonte: Yeah! That’s better, that’s better… [ a stagehand waves at them from off-camera ] Oh! We’re back! We’re back! Alright! Let’s open the phones again! Tom, from Buffalo!

Caller 2: Hi! The topic I want to talk about is Human Lessons, which I just saw you giving Greg coming out of the commercial.

Greg: Hey, Bob! That’s myyyyyyy tax-i-cab!

Caller 2: Okay. See? Now he’s just saying things he heard. Alright? Classic alien move. And here’s something else: he never ages! Those pictures from the calendar? He’s the same in every one! Because he’s an — [ a hang-up ]

Dave Delmonte: [ laughing nervously ] Whoo-oops! Must be some phone trouble! We’re just… moving on now!

[ Dave waves his arm and topples a glass of water onto Greg, who promptly begins to screech, freak out, and smoke profusely ]

Dave Delmonte: [ frantically ] Okay, okay, okay! Okay! Next caller! Next caller!! Next caller! Pat! Pat, from York, Pennsylvania!

Caller 3: Hey, hey! Uh — you know something? I gotta talk about what just happened with the water. I mean, you almost killed Greg, and it’s not the first time it’s happened. I mean, every week — water! [ hangs up ]

Dave Delmonte: Okay! One final caller. We’re talking March Madness, and ONLY March Madness! Joey, from Paramus. Go ahead.

Caller 4: Okay, so me and my buddies were just sitting here, and we think we’ve figured it out. So, okay: if Greg is an alien, we are now convinced.

Dave Delmonte: Greg is not an alien!

Caller 4: Oh, psh! He is! Everyone knows that! The only question is: why put him on a sports show? Now, my theory is: in order to live, he’s gotta eat human muscle. And who has more muscles than the athlete guests that come on your show — all of whom, might I add, disappear right after their interviews.

Dave Delmonte: [ unconvincingly ] They all go on vacation!

Caller 4: Dave, come on! You’re a grown man! I mean, look at ‘im — he’s got wings!

[ cut to close-up of Greg, who now sprouts lizard-like wings between his neck and shoulders ]

Caller 4: Hot all the way this year, ba-by!

Dave Delmonte: Thank you, Caller! Time for a commercial! When we come back, we’ll talk to our guest, one of the strongest offensive tackles for U.T. — Randy Dukes.

[ cut to Randy Dukes standing backstage. He scowls, then threateningly holds up a water bottle within Greg’s line of vision ]

[ cut to Greg, who reacts to the water bottle by screeching and stretching out his fingers ]

[ cut back to Dukes, who squeezes water from the bottle ]

Dave Delmonte: Stay tuned! Stay tuned!

[ title graphic ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

A Message from the Secretary of the Treasury

Timothy Geithner…..Will Forte
Caller 1…..John Lutz
Caller 2…..Jason Sudeikis
Caller 3…..Bill Hader
Caller 4…..Paula Pell
Caller 5…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on The Department of the Treasury seal ]

Announcer: The following is a special address from the Secretary of the Treasury.

[ dissolve to Timothy Geithner, seated at desk ]

Timothy Geithner: Good evening. I’m Timothy Geithner, United States Secretary of the Treasury. As I speak to you tonight, our nation is in the midst of an economic crisis. A crisis as severe as ANY in its history. It is a crisis SO severe… that should we fail to get out of it, one thing is certain: it WON’T be the fault of the current administration. It will simply be ecause the crisis was TOO severe to get out of. At its core, this crisis is a crisis of our banking system. Right now, because of the excessive and unwise lending of the last eight years, banks have STOPPED making loans. Businesses cannot get credit, so employees are laid off. Individuals cannot get mortgages, so home prices are collapsing. And companies cannot expand, so their stock price is plummeting.

As individuals lose their savings — or their jobs — they have less to invest, credit tightens further. And the vicious cycle deepens. So, this is the problem: to restore the flow of credit and the health of our banking system. Now, what is the solution? Earlier today, I proposed that the Federal Treasury set aside $420 billion. This $420 billion will be placed in a special fund, and will go to the FIRST individual who comes up with a workable plan to solve the banking crisis. [ the audience cheers ] If you have such a plan, or know of someone who does, you can call the number on the screen below to tell us what it is.

[ SUPER: “1-800-IDEAS?” ]

Now, I know what you’re thinking: what if two different callers each come up with the idea to save the banking system. Who would get the $420 billion? Well, in such a case, each of them would receive $210 billion. If three people have the idea, they would each get $140 billion. If four people: $105 billion. And if five people have the solution to our banking crisis, they would get $84 billion each. It’s all laid out in detail on this chart. [ holds up a chart labeled: “SOLVING OUR NATION’S BANKING CRISIS” ] Now, you might ask: what if six different individuals come up with a plan. What would they receive? [ he grimaces ] We don’t have these figures yet. But, uh, we’ll release them in the weeks ahead.

[ Geithner glances offscreen, nods ]

And we’ve got our first caller on the line! [ presses a button on his phone ] Hello, Gary! What is your plan to save the crisis in our banking system?

Caller 1: I think the federal government should agree to assume all the banks’ loans, on the bucks of the nation’s banks. That way, the banks can start lending again, and people would know it’s safe to leave their money there.

Timothy Geithner: [ impressed ] Saaaay, Gary… that’s pretty good! Get rid of all the band loans. I like it… I like it!

Caller 1: [ hesitant ] Do I get the $20 billion?

Timothy Geithner: Well! Not just yet. We still have to hear what ideas other people have. But I would say you’re looking good! You are DEFINATELY looking good!

Caller 1: Great!

Timothy Geithner: Okay. [ presses a button on his phone ] Dominic! You’re on the line! What is your plan to save the nation’s banks?

Caller 2: Uh, yeah… Tim, I don’t think Gary’s plan would work.

Timothy Geithner: [ stunned ] Why not?

Caller 2: Well, first of all, you can’t have the government assuming all those bad loans! [ he chuckles] That’s like an insurance company insuring houses that are already on fire! Also, you’d have every bank in the country bobbing off all their bad loan decision on the taxpayer.

Timothy Geithner: [ shakes his head in defeat ] You’re right… you’re right. Those are good points, Dominic. Gary’s idea may not be the way to go. But do you have a plan to address the banking crisis?

Caller 2: Uhhh, not relaly. No, but I can try to think of one. Can I get back to you?

Timothy Geithner: Absolutely! I’ll be right here! Right here! [ he presses a button on his phone ] Louis? You’re on the line. What is your plan?

Caller 3: I’ve got the solution to the bank crisis.

Timothy Geithner: Oh, great! Let’s hear it!

Caller 3: Not so fast! First, I get the money. And then, I tell you the plan.

Timothy Geithner: Well, that’s not the way this works.

Caller 3: Well, how do I know you’re not gonna use my idea, and then claim you thought of it?

Timothy Geithner: I would never do that…

Caller 3: How about I get half the money now, and the other half AFTER I tell you the plan?

Timothy Geithner: Nah, I can’t do it.

Caller 3: Oh. How about a third of the money first?

Timothy Geithner: [ considering ] Done!

Caller 3: I’ll leave the bank work instructions with your operator. Once the money’s in my account, I’ll call you back.

Timothy Geithner: Okay. You’d better! We have a deal! Okay. [ he presses a button on his phone ] Denise, you’re on the line.

Caller 4: If you use my idea to solve the banking crisis and I get the reward money, do I have to pay taxes on it?

Timothy Geithner: Of course! [ he turns to a side camera ] Everybody has to pay taxes. That’s the law. [ he returns to the main camera, then presses a button on his phone ] Hello, Nkumo! You’re on the line.

Caller 5: Hello, Tim. How are you tonight?

Timothy Geithner: [ chuckles heartily ] I’m doing great! Now, what’s your plan, Nkumo?

Caller 5: Well, do you have a minute? It’s somewhat complicated.

Timothy Geithner: Sure. Go ahead.

Caller 5: Alright. Well, I’m a Nigerian prince… currently living in exile in Europe. Now, back in Nigeria, there is a fortune of nearly $700 million, which belongs to ME!

Timothy Geithner: [ still listening ] Uh-huh.

Caller 5: But in order to claim it, I need a certain amount of cash for government easy payments of Nigerian officials.

Timothy Geithner: Well, how much cash would you need?

Caller 5: About… $175,000.

Timothy Geithner: [ his wheels turning ] Saaayy… suppose the U.S. Treasury were to front you the $175,000. Would you be willing to give us… a portion of the $700 million?

Caller 5: [ squealing with delight ] Absolutely!! In fact, I was JUST going to propose something along those lines!

Timothy Geithner: Fantastic! Now, don’t hang up, Nkumo — I’m gonna transfer you to one of our operators, she’ll take down your information.

Caller 5: That would be fine, Tim. Thank you.

Timothy Geithner: No! Thank you! Okay. [ he hangs up his phone ] Alright, good deal! On that positive note, I’m going to take a short break. But these lines will remain open, 24 hours, 7 days a week, ’til this crisis has passed. You’ll probably get me personally. But, in the meantime, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 17

08q: Dwayne Johnson / Ray LaMontagne

Goodnights

…..Dwayne Johnson

Dwayne Johnson: Thanks to the incredible Ray LaMontagne! Thank you, thank you to my boy, Justin Timberlake! And thank you to my girl, Jessica Biel! To Lorne Michaels, the entire cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live”, I love you! Thank you! We kicked aaaaaaaaaaaasssssssss!!!

SNL Transcripts