Category: 2008

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 15

08o: Bradley Cooper / TV On The Radio

I’m Gonna Have Sex With Your wife

Danny Lane…..Bradley Cooper
Ron Stillwell…..Will Forte
Michael Vodner…..Fred Armisen
Tommy McCafferty…..Bill Hader
Mrs. Stillwell…..Michaela Watkins
Mrs. Vodner…..Casey Wilson
Mrs. McCafferty…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on game show set ]

Announcer: And now it’s time for: “I’m Gonna Have Sex With Your wife”! And here’s your host — Danny Lane!

[ Danny Lane runs onto the set ]

Danny Lane: Hello! Hello, everybody! I’m Danny Lane, and welcome to another episode of “I’m Gonna Have Sex With your Wife”! Our contestants today are Ron Stillwell, from Cedar Rapids, Michigan!

Ron Stillwell: [ excited ] Hey-ohhhhh!!

Danny Lane: Michael Vodner, from Columbia, South Carolina!

Michael Vodner: [ excited ] Yo, baby!

Danny Lane: And our returning champion, from clearwater, Florida — Tommy McCafferty!

[ Tommy is clearly the least-enthused contestant on the game show ]

It’s great to have you all on the program! [ he approaches the men at their podiums ] Now, Ron… it says here, you run a PR firm in Cedar Rapids.

Ron Stillwell: I sure do!

Danny Lane: Terrific! And, uh — I understand you brought your wife with you today.

Ron Stillwell: I sure did! [ he waves ] Hi, honey!

[ Mrs. Stillwell waves from the audience ]

Danny Lane: Alright, that’s great! That’s great. Now, Ron… I’m gonna have sex with your wife.

Ron Stillwell: [ laughing ] I’d like to see you try!

[ Mrs. Stillwell runs up from the audience and disappears backstage with Danny ]

[ Ron holds his composure for a few moments, before starting to worry ]

[ finally, Danny and a disheveled Mrs. Stillwell return from backstage and part ways ]

Danny Lane: Alright! Let’s put 50 points on the board for Ron!

Ron Stillwell: [ troubled ] Catherine?

Mrs. Stillwell: 50 points! Go, Ron!

Ron Stillwell: [ disappointed ] Oh, Catherine…

Danny Lane: Now… Michael. It says here — oh! You’re a huge Voltron fan!

[ stares at Danny without saying a word ]

Danny Lane: And, uh — I understand you brought your wife with you today?

[ Mrs. Vodner gives a whoop-whoop from the audience ]

Danny Lane: That’s great! That’s great! That’s great. Now, Michael — I’m gonna have sex with your wife.

Michael Vodner: [ grabbing at Danny ] Don’t, man — come on —

[ Mrs. Vodner runs up from the audience and disappears backstage with Danny ]

[ Michael stares dumbstruck at the camera for many moments before finally shutting his eyes in defeat ]

[ finally, Danny and a disheveled Mrs. Vodner return from backstage and part ways ]

Danny Lane: Thanks for being such a great sport! Alright! Don’t call it a comeback! Michael’s on the board with 100 points!

Mrs. Vodner: Honey! You’re winning!

Michael Vodner: [ outraged ] Who’s winning here? Who’s winning?!

Danny Lane: [ chuckling ] Terrific! Now we move on to our returning champion — Tommy McCafferty!!

[ Tommy shifts his eyes into an evil stare ]

Danny Lane: Tell me, Tom — how’s your wife?

Tommy McCafferty: Uh, we’re actually separated.

Danny Lane: ooh! That’s a tough one. What happened?

Tommy McCafferty: Uhhhh, well — uhhh, we came on the show last week, and you had SEX with her.

Danny Lane: Terrific. Uh, now, Tom — I’ve got a bit of a surprise for you. What if I told you that your wife was here, in the studio, at this very moment?

Tommy McCafferty: [ panicking ] Oh, God… no!

Danny Lane: JENNIFER!! COME ON OUT!!

[ Mrs. McCafferty runs up from the side of the set and disappears backstage with Danny ]

[ dumbstruck ] Why did I come back here?

[ Michael steps over to comfort Tom ]

Tommy McCafferty: [ waving him off ] I don’t need it! I don’t need it! I’m fine! Just leave me alone!

[ finally, Danny and a disheveled Mrs. McCafferty return from backstage and part ways ]

Danny Lane: Whoa-oa! Alright, Tom, uh — alright, I know your wife and you were having some trouble, but, uh, I gotta be honest — she did you a real solid back there! Which means, once again, YOU are our big winner!!

Mrs. McCafferty: YAAAYYYY!!

[ Tommy mimicks her enthusiasm ]

Danny Lane: Terrific! Oh, Bob and Michael, thank you so much for playing. And, uh, the good news is you get to receive an “I’m Gonna Have Sex With Your Wife” home game! [ he hands each of them a business card ]

Ron Stillwell: It’s just a phone number!

Danny Lane: Yeah. It’s mine. Just give it to your wives, they’ll know what to do. [ to the camera ] And, remember, america: you’d better watch your back, or i’m gonna have… [ with the audience” SEX WITH YOUR WIFE!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:









Bit Players:

February 14th, 2009

Alec Baldwin

Jonas Brothers

None

Dan Aykroyd

Jack McBrayer

Cameron Diaz

Hailey Baldwin

Alia Baldwin

None

Republican Congressional Leadership MeetingSummary: In-denial Republican leaders look for fault in President Obama’s latest speech.

Transcript

Montage

Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Audience members overlook Alec Baldwin so they can fawn over “30 Rock” co-star Jack McBrayer.

Transcript

The Fourth Jonas BrotherSummary: During a recording session, The Jonas Brothers decide to kick their lame fourth brother, Gary (Alec Baldwin), out of the group.

Transcript

The Cougar DenSummary: Jacqueline Seka (Kristen Wiig), and Toni Ward (Casey Wilson) welcome back their pal Kiki Deamore (Cameron Diaz), who has co-written a book on picking up young dudes with cou-gay Blaine (Alec Baldwin).

Recurring Characters: Toni Ward, Jacqueline Seka, Kenneth, Kiki Deamore.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg discovers ancient videotape footage of The Jonas Brothers when they performed as Property of the Queen during the 1980’s.

Transcript

Sir Mix-a-Lot’s PhotoshopSummary: Sir Mix-a-Lot (Kenan Thompson).

Transcript

Jonas Brothers perform “Tonight”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Financial expert Oscar Rogers (Kenan Thompson) still thinks the solution to the economic crisis is to “Fix it!”

Recurring Characters: Oscar Rogers, Angelina Jolie.

Transcript

Vincent Price’s Valentine’s Day SpecialSummary: Vincent Price (Bill Hader) endures domestic strife between lovebirds Richard burton (Alec Baldwin) and Elizabeth Taylor (Casey Wilson) on his 1966 Valentine’s Day special.

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Richard Burton, Elizabeth Taylor, Liberace.

Transcript

High-Profile ProjectSummary: Carl (Will Forte), Jerry (Bill Hader), and Troy (Alec Baldwin) can’t seem to synchronize their schedules in order to complete their high-profile project.

Recurring Characters: Carl, Jerry.

Transcript

Warrior ShakeSummary: Dad (Alec Baldwin) finds masturbatory pleasure in his kids’ (Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader) favorite Wii game.

Transcript

Jonas Brothers performs “Video Girl”Lyrics

Chewable PampersSummary: The organic-enriched diaper that is eco-friendly and delicious.

Note: Repeat from 08n.

Virgania Horsen’s Hot-Air Balloon RidesSummary: Trying not to rub it in anyone’s face, Virgania Horsen (Kristen Wiig) advertises rides on her hot air balloon.

Note: Repeat from 07e.

Alec Baldwin’s Acting Techniques for ActorsSummary: Alec Baldwin demonstrates the acting prowess of a cinematic “first cough”.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

The Cougar Den

Toni Ward…Kristen Wiig
Jacqueline Seka…Casey Wilson
Barbara Lincoln…Michaela Watkins
Kiki Deamore…Cameron Diaz
Blaine Bagby…Alec Baldwin
Kenneth…Kenan Thompson
Brendan #1…Bill Hader
Brendan #2…Andy Samberg
Braden…Will Forte

(A cougar ROARS offscreen with Santana´s “Smooth” playing and the COUGARSdancing awkwardly.)

SUPER: The Cougar Den

(The logo is scratched.)

Announcer: It’s time for the Cougar Den with Jacqueline Seka and Toni Ward. Introducing Barbara Lincoln.

(The music fades and the cougars seat themselves.)

Toni Ward: Hi, I’m Toni and welcome to the Cougar Den. To my left is one of my dearest friends, Jacqueline.

Jacqueline Seka: Hi.

Toni Ward: And to my right is a woman I met in the mature Vitamin Section at GMC — our new friend Barbara.

Barbara Lincoln: Hi there.

Toni Ward: So, Valentine’s Day is coming up.

Jacqueline Seka: It’s here.

Toni Ward: You know, what do you ladies have planned?

Barbara Lincoln: Well I tell you what I’m going to do… I’m going to take a bath with a cardboard cut out of Spencer Pratt! Holla!

(Barbara shakes her breasts.)

Jacqueline Seka: Yeah, we’ve done that.

Toni Ward: We’ve done that. We’ve done that.

Jacqueline Seka: Okay, I’m gonna’ suck down some jello shooters and wander around USC’s Campus wearing a t-shirt that says “I’ll pay you and this won’t get messy.”

(Jacqueline waves her right palm over her chest.)

Toni Ward: Well, I don’t know if you guys know this, but I treated myself to a Jonas Brothers concert as a pre-Valentine’s day present to myself.

Jacqueline Seka: Oh, you deserve it Toni!

Barbara Lincoln: Oh, yeah!

Toni Ward: Well, I was thrown out.

Barbara Lincoln: What!?!?

Jacqueline Seka: Toni, what happened? What happened?

Toni Ward: I was really rocking out, you know, pumpin’ my fist in the air, when my menopause patch fell off and flew into a young girl’s mouth and she went into estrogen shock.

Barbara Lincoln: Really?

Toni Ward: Yes, and that’s all I can say until the trial is over. (Zips her mouth.)

Jacqueline Seka: Okay, Facebook break!

(The cougars all pick up their iPhones on the table in front and start texting, web browsing, etc.)

Barbara Lincoln: (Looking at her phone.) …Becoming fans of Zac Efron!

Jacqueline Seka: (Looking at her phone.) 25 random things about me!

Toni Ward: I’m poking someone… Kenneth…

Jacqueline Seka: Kenneth…

Barbara Lincoln: Kenneth…

Toni Ward: Kenneth, I’m poking you.

Jacqueline Seka: Kenneth… Kenneth.

Barbara Lincoln: Kenneth…

(KENNETH, old w/gray hair & mustache has a headset on and clipboard in hand. He stands non-responsive.)

Kenneth: You know, I’d poke you back but I’m scared something might fall off.

(The cougars give Kenneth a blank stare. Kenneth gives a stern stare as his eyes widen.)

Toni Ward: Our first guest has written a book entitled, “Stop that Boy I Want to Get On!” Please welcome Blaine Bagby.

(BLAINE, salt-and-pepper haired, wearing a tan suit & black shirt, graces the set. He joins the cougars in their odd dance to “Smooth”. A few beats later, they stop and take their seats.)

Blaine Bagby: Hello ladies. I’m major, major, major, major, major, ma-jor excited to be here! As you know, I’m a cou-gay! And as a cou-gay, I face many of the same obstacles you ladies do — mainly how to keep it tight, right, and in the light.

(Blaine snaps his fingers back and forth. The cougars nod their heads and agree amongst another.)

Cougars: You go. Mhmm…

Jacqueline Seka: You tell it, Gay Cougar!

Blaine Bagby: And even though I’m known in the gay community for my selfishness, I couldn’t take full credit. I co-wrote this with our good friend Kiki Deamore. Come on out here, Kiki!

(Everyone starts dancing in strange rhythm to “Smooth”. KIKI saunters ontothe set and pumps her chest to the music. All involved sit down.)

Kiki Deamore: (in a Spanish accent) Oh it so good to be back. Working on this book with Bland was a passion pro-hect.

Blaine Bagby: Literary passion, not sexual.

Kiki Deamore: Oh no, no, no. Because he, uh, you know, he, uh, I like young boys…And he’s a gay.

Blaine Bagby: And she’s a uno-vahina, which is one too many uno-vahina for me.

Kiki Deamore: Anyway, we worked on this day and afternoon. We almost spent a 45 minutes at the Kinko’s.

Jacqueline Seka: It’s only 30 pages and I love that.

Toni Ward: It’s like a pamphlet, but only a little bit thicker. Now, what would you call that?

Blaine Bagby: A thick pamphlet.

(Kiki points both hands to her head, then her crotch.)

Kiki Deamore: I like them thick there and thick here.

Blaine Bagby: We’re talking about the pamphlet, Kiki. I beg you to stay on track.

Kiki Deamore: Okay.

Jacqueline Seka: My favorite part is in Chapter 54 where you talk about checking ID’s.

Blaine Bagby: Let me tell you something, sisters… checking ID’s is essential, because these boys will lie. Especially if they think it’s going to get them a snowboard or a Paul Frank monkey wallet.

Kiki Deamore: Or a hummer in the back of a Hummer.

Toni Ward: Well, you don’t have tell me about ID’s. Last year, I met a striking, young Puerto Rican man at a McDonald’s play place. After I bought him an Oreo McFlurry, he told me he was 21 and I took him home. Three weeks later, I found out he was 12 and a half.

Blaine Bagby: Oh my god, that just made my wig system stand on end.

Kiki Deamore: And my extension fell out!

Toni Ward: Ladies, you know what I do when my extension, when they fall out: I braid ‘em, put a bead on ‘em, tie ‘em… boom, it’s a bracelet. Okay, Ped Egg break!

Jacqueline Seka: Ped Egg break!

Barbara Lincoln: Break!

Jacqueline Seka: Kenneth…

Toni Ward: Kenneth…

Jacqueline Seka: Our Ped Egg reservoirs are full.

Toni Ward: Yes, Kenneth… all the shavings. Lots of shavings.

Jacqueline Seka: The chambers are full of shavings!

Toni Ward: Full of shavings, Kenneth!

Jacqueline Seka: Kenneth…

Toni Ward: Kenneth…

Kenneth: What you need to worry about shaving is your upper lips!

(The cougars, Blaine, and Kiki stare long and silent at Kenneth. Kenneth’s becomes bug-eyed and clenches his lower jaw.)

Toni Ward: It’s time to introduce our new boyfriends – Brendan, Brendan, and Braden. Come on out, boys.

Jacqueline Seka: Come to mumma’s!

(3 young looking guys walk out, scared.)

Kiki Deamore: Oh yoy, these boys are so delicioso. Like three hot mucha noches Cuban sandwiches with the big pickle. And I like the pickle.

Jacqueline Seka: Come, boys, sit down. Come on.

(The cougars are reclined in a 45 degree angle on the couch, giving direction to the laps.)

Toni Ward: Have a seat.

Jacqueline Seka: Sit down, right here.

Brendan: Nah, I’m alright.

Branden & Bryan: Yeah, we’re good. We’re good, yeah.

(The cougars resume normal posture on the couch.)

Toni Ward: Do you see the chemistry that is going on here?

Blaine Bagby: It is palpable.

(Blaine surveys the backsides of all the boyfriends.)

Kenneth: The only chemistry I see is your bodies breaking down.

(Except the boyfriends, everyone on set stares at Kenneth. Kenneth, chin tilted up and eyes wide open, stares back.)

Jacqueline Seka: Uh oh! What’s wrong with Kiki?

(Kiki crawls over Blaine with her hands clawed in direction of the boyfriends.)

Blaine Bagby: Get them out of here! She’s going to pounce!

(Kenneth rushes in and pushes the boyfriends off the set. Kiki has gotten a hold of Brendan #2, but Kenneth breaks him free.)

Kenneth: Get out of here! Get out of here! Kiki, keep what’s in your pants to yourself!

(Blaine restrains Kiki. Kiki waves her arms in frenetic motions.)

Blaine Bagby: Keep them someplace safe. Like my dressing room.

Toni Ward: Well, that’s all the time we have. Join us next week, when we bring you our annual show from Dianne Lane’s yard.

(“Smooth” begins. Blaine and all the ladies start to dance.)

SUPER: The Cougar Den.

END

Submitted by: Allison Porter & Cody

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Alec Baldwin’s Acting Techniques for Actors

…..Alec Baldwin
Boy…..Andy Samberg
Mr. Grimes…..Kenan Thompson
Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Woman…..Kristen Wiig
Father…..Fred Armisen
Son…..Will Forte
Businessman…..Bill Hader

Alec Baldwin: Hi. I’m award-winning actor Alec Baldwin. If you’re like me, you know there’s nothing more moving in a film than seeing a character cough once, very subtly, to let you know that later on in that movie… they’re going to die. As an actor, I can tell you that playing these scenes isn’t as easy as it looks. That’s why Volume 72 of my DVD series, “Alec Baldwin’s Acting Techniques for Actors” is:

[ he holds up the box, which cuts to a separate product shot ]

Alec Baldwin V/O: “First Coughs: Mastering the Art of Foreshadowing Your Character’s Death”.

[ cut back to Baldwin ]

Alec Baldwin: You’ll learn such techniques as: “I’m not even going to acknowledge it.”

[ dissolve to movie scene: two men in a workshop ]

Mr. Grimes: And that, my friend, is how you put a ship inside a bottle.

Boy: Wow, Mr. Grimes. That is kicking!

Mr. Grimes: Nothing to it at all, son. Now go get washed up and, when you come back, I’ll play you some real music.It’s called jazz. [ he coughs quietly into his hand ]

Boy: Mr. Grimes?

Mr. Grimes: Hurry up, now! I don’t have all day!

[ dissolve back to Baldwin ]

Alec Baldwin: And the audience’s favorite: “It’s nothing, it’s just a cold.”

[ dissolve to movie scene: Fall proposal ]

Man: Will you marry me?

Woman: [ excited ] Oh, Brice! I don’t know what to say!

Man: Say yes.

Woman: Yes! [ she coughs into her hand ]

Man: You okay?

Woman: It’s nothing. It’s just a cold. [ quickly ] Beat you down to the lake!

Man: Okay!

[ they run off ]

[ dissolve back to Baldwin ]

Alec Baldwin: And, of course, the classic: “I don’t need any damn doctors.”

[ dissolve to movie scene: father and son ]

Son: You don’t even want to meet your own grandson?

Father: I just want to be left alone! [ he coughs into his hand ]

Son: You should get that checked out.

Father: I don’t need any damn doctors!

[ dissolve back to Baldwin ]

Alec Baldwin: Spoiler alert: He needs a damn doctor. Once you master those techniques, you can move on to more advanced coughs like the technically demanding, “Cough into a handkerchief, notice that there’s blood on it, look around nervously, then quickly shove it back in your pocket and hurry on your way.”

[ dissolve to movie scene: businessman in office ]

[ Businessman coughs into a handkerchief, then performs Baldwin’s proven technique ]

[ dissolve back to Baldwin ]

Alec Baldwin: So what are you waiting for? Take your acting career to the next level with “First coughs.”

[ Baldwin coughs, as the product appears on screen with a $0 price tag ]

Alec Baldwin V/O: It’s nothing. It’s just a cold. Order now.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Goodnights

…..Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin: Thanks to the Jonas Brothers!! And Dan Aykroyd!! [ Aykroyd makes devil horns above his head ] And Jack McBrayer!! [ looks around] Where is Jack? [ McBrayer steps through the crowd ] Jack McBrayer! THank you, good night, everybody!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

The Fourth Jonas Brother

…..Alec Baldwin

(Open on ext. shot of recording studio. Guitar music is heard, and then fade into int. of recording studio. Jonas brothers KEVIN, NICK, and JOE are rehearsing. Kevin puts the playing on hold, and Nick sighs.)

Kevin Jonas: Stop, stop, stop. (Nick takes off his guitar.) Guys, guys, that sounded really off. Is something wrong?

Nick Jonas: Do we really have to do it?

Kevin Jonas: (Now taking off his guitar) It was a unanimous vote. We have to kick him out of the band.

Joe Jonas: (Slightly exasperated) But he is our brother.

Kevin Jonas: You don’t think I know that?

V.O. offstage: Hey guys!

(GARY walks in from Stage Left. He is decked in a Jonas Brothers-like wardrobe and haircut, complete with a saxaphone.)

Gary Jonas: Hey, guys, sorry I’m late. (Clears throat and fixes hair off his face) The security guard was all, “You’re parked in the wrong spot,” so I was all, “I’m Gary Jonas, I’ll park wherever I want.” And he was all, “Your spot is two spots over. Why don’t you move?” And then I hit him in the head with my sax and ran over here as fast as I could. (grins) How funny is that? Ha!

Nick Jonas: (Angrily) It’s not that funny.

Gary Jonas: (Sarcastically) Oh, Nick’s always so serious. But hey, if I wanted your sixteen-year-old advice, I would ask for it. Let’s not forget: I’m the OLDEST Jonas.

Joe Jonas: (Small voice under his breath) How could we forget?

Gary Jonas: Are you putting out an album of ‘whisper songs,’ Joe?

(Joe looks at him confusedly, blinking)

Gary Jonas: ‘Cause if you’re not, maybe you should speak up when your addressing your oldest brother.

Kevin Jonas: Let’s just calm down!

Gary Jonas: I’ll decide who does what around here. I’m the oldest Jonas (holds up two fingers) by TWO years.

(It’s obvious all three brothers are upset.)

Gary Jonas: Look, I’m sorry I blew my top. Hey, before we get back to rehearsal, I had a great idea. What if we changed our names… to the Donut Brothers? I think it could get us a really cool sponsorship deal. Solid, right?

Nick Jonas: (Harshly) I don’t think we should do that, Gary.

Gary Jonas: Well I think we should vote. Let’s remember, as the oldest brother, my vote is worth double. All in favor of the DONUT Brothers?

(Gary raises his hand. Joe, Kevin, and Nick do not.)

Gary Jonas: One, two. All opposed?

(Nick, Joe, and Kevin raise their hands. Kevin and Nick are hardly looking at him, Joe gives Gary a hard look.)

Gary Jonas: One, two, three. Damn! (Rudely) Well, congratulations. You guys OFFICIALLY hate success.

Kevin Jonas: Actually, Gary, we voted on something else a little bit earlier.

(Gary eyes the boys suspiciously)

Gary Jonas: And what would that be?

Joe Jonas: We’re thinking the Jonas Brothers should be a 3-man group.

(Gary sighs, and puts his hand on Nick’s shoulder.)

Gary Jonas: I’m sorry, Nick. But I have to agree with them. You’re weird, you’re creepy, and you smell bad.

(Nick is surprised at the stupidity)

Kevin Jonas: We’re not voting Nick out.

Gary Jonas: Well, I’m glad, Nick. You’ve always been my favorite. Try to forget all the stuff I said about you being weird and creepy and smelly. So, who is it then? Joe?

(Joe looks surprised)

Gary Jonas: That makes sense. He’s not one of us. He has straight hair, and his eyebrows look like they were drawn in with a Sharpie.

(Joe puts his hand up to his eyebrows. Now he’s surprised and hurt.)

Joe Jonas: (Voice almost cracking) It’s you, Gary.

Gary Jonas: (A tone) You’re joking.

Nick Jonas: (Imitating Gary’s tone) We’re not.

Gary Jonas: Well maybe you’ve all forgotten that my vote is worth two.

Joe Jonas: It won’t matter!

Gary Jonas: Well, we’ll see about that! All in favor of me staying?

(Raises his hand, Kevin, Joe, and Nick don’t.)

Gary Jonas: Ooh! A quick lead for Gary. All opposed?

(Kevin and Nick raise their hands)

Gary Jonas: One, two…please let that be it, please let that be it…

(Joe raises his hand, waving his fingers.)

Gary Jonas: Three. DAMN!

Nick Jonas: (Obviously not sorry) We’re sorry, Gary.

Gary Jonas: I hope you guys like riots. Because that’s what you’re gonna get, when there’s no Gary Jonas at your next concert.

Joe Jonas: (Sarcastically) I think we’ll be okay.

Gary Jonas: Guys, where is this all coming from?

Joe Jonas: (Shyly) Well, you broke all our rules.

Gary Jonas: (Confused) Which rules?

Nick Jonas: (Counting on his fingers) You drink, you smoke, and we’re pretty sure you do drugs.

Gary Jonas: First of all, I thought those rules were optional. And second of all, I was pretty high when you told ’em to me.

Kevin Jonas: We’re sorry, Gary.

Gary Jonas: But guys, I’m your brother. How can you do this to me?

Kevin Jonas: Well, that’s just the thing. When you showed up last week and said that you were our long-lost brother, we got a little nervous, so we did a little ‘checking into it’ and got a private investigator.

Gary Jonas: I’m gonna stop you right there, I know what you’re gonna say- you’re jealous of me. you think when we’re on stage, the girls can’t take their eyes off me and you’re right. I will leave.

(Takes a step towards the door, but then takes two steps towards Nick, Kevin and Joe)

Gary Jonas: We’re the Donut Brothers.

Nick Jonas: No, we’re not.

Gary Jonas: (Takes two steps back) Okay, well, it was worth a shot. Okay, well, if I’m out of the band, I guess you want my ring back.

Joe Jonas: Oh, you can keep your purity ring.

Gary Jonas: Purity ring? What’s a purity ring?

(Joe and Kevin can’t really break it to him. Nick steps towards Gary, motions for him to scoot closer, and whispers the simple anwer in his ear)

Gary Jonas: Oh. In that case, you’re definitely gonna want this back.

(Hands the ring to Nick)

Gary Jonas: Yeah, I would wash that. Better yet, just throw it in the garbage because it is broken.

(Nick hands the ring to Kevin, and wipes his hands on his jeans. Kevin tosses the ring into a trash can.)

Nick Jonas: You have to go, Gary.

Gary Jonas: Yeah, well I quit!

Joe Jonas: (Shocked) You can’t quit!

Kevin Jonas: (Puts his hand on Joe’s shoulder) Joe, just let him go.

Gary Jonas: Well, I’m out of here. You’re a bunch of weirdos.

(Opens door slightly)

Gary Jonas: (Continuing) Especially you, Nick. You’re the weirdest.

(Nick rolls his eyes)

Kevin Jonas: (Shouts) That’s enough, Gary!

Gary Jonas: (Shouting back) My name’s not Gary!

Joe Jonas: (Shouting, too) What is it?

Gary Jonas: Alec! Alec Baldwin. Not the one you’re thinking of. Not the one from “30 Rock.” I’m outta here, but seriously guys, think about it. Free donuts.

(Simultaneously)

Nick Jonas: No!

Kevin Jonas: No!

Joe Jonas: Nooooo!

Gary Jonas: (Out the door, but facing the Jonas Brothers. Motions to them) You’re weird.

(Shuts door, and cut to ext. shot of recording studio.)

Submitted by: Scrubsfan613

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Sir Mix-a-Lot’s Photoshop

Sir Mix a Lot….Kenan Thompson
Friend 1….Casey Wilson
Friend 2….Abby Elliott
Photo Shop employee 1….Will Forte
Photo Shop employee 2….Bobby Moynihan

(Opens with photos of attractive women in their clothes and a later photo of them wearing bikinis)

Sir Mix a Lot: Look at this women, look at this women, man! I know what you´re thinking. Do they really look like this? Well the answer is no. This photos have been professionally retouched and I know what else you´re thinking. Where´s the butt?

(cut to 90´s rapper Sir Mix a Lot behind the counter of his photo shop. He wears a goatee, black leather jacket, hat. An instrumental track of his hit “Baby Got Back” plays throughout the skit)

Sir Mix a Lot: Hi, how you doing? I´m Sir Mix a Lot. Now, I may have quit making hits but I never quit liking big butts. That´s why I opened Sir Mix a Lot´s Photo Shop.

(logo of Sir Mix a Lot´s Photo Shop)

Sir Mix a Lot: (rapping to the groove of “Baby got Back”) Because we´re the only photo lab, specializing in butt affairs. We take your fondest memories and make them even fonder (photos of girls with normal backsides, a later picture of the girls show the girls with rounder and meatier butts) We take the roundest bottoms and make them even rounder, we take your order quickly, professional and efficiently, you can drop it, leave it, and then pull up quick to retrieve it!

(cut to 2 girlfriends talking holding a photo)

Friend 1: Oh…my….God! Becky, look at my butt! It is so big…and I love it.

(shows photo of herself with a big ass)

Friend 1 and 2: Thanks, Sir Mix a Lot!

Sir Mix a Lot: Yeah, we handle all kinds of blemishes. Acne? (photo of a girl with acne) Bam! (the girl has now a butt big) No one will notice her acne now. Wrinkles? (photo of an old lady) Kapow! (old lady has big, big ass now) Who can focus on wrinkles with an ass like that? Or say you want to pop someone out of a photo perhaps after a messy divorce.(a photo of a bride and groom dancing on their wedding reception, suddenly the bride´s butt is so big that hides the groom) Kaboom! Ho-ho, looks like someone´s back in the game! And here in Sir Mix a Lot´s photo shop we put every photo through a rigorous evaluation process. And to ensure that the butt is large enough, I show each and every photo to Sniffles, my pet Anaconda. (shows photo to an Anaconda snake in a fish tank) Cause you see…(rapping to “Baby Got Back”) my Anaconda don´t want none, unless you got buns, hon´! Yeah, he likes it. And you´ll like our two for one sale or better known as the”Ugh, Double up, Ugh, Ugh!” special. So come to my photo shop…(rapping again to his hit) if you need to get your photos cropped, if your photos needs recycling, or a little extra thigh, hey fellas!

(two employees with visors and photo lab´s aprons)

Employee 1 and 2: Yeah?!

Sir Mix a Lot: Fellas?!

Employee 1 and 2: Yeah?!

Sir Mix a Lot: Is this an expert photo shop?!

Employee 1 and 2: Hells, yeah!

Sir Mix a Lot: Then take it!

Employee 1 and 2: Take it!

Sir Mix a Lot: Take it!

Employee 1 and 2: Take it!

Sir Mix a Lot: Take this photo and enhance the butt! Baby wants back!

(Sir Mix a Lot´s photo shop logo. We enhance your butt)

Announcer: Sir Mix a Lot´s photo shop. Come on down and we´ll enhance your butt.

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Jack McBrayer
Audience Member 1…..Kristen Wiig
Audience Member 2…..Fred Armisen
Audience Member 3…..Bobby Moynihan
Audience Member 4…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Alec Baldwin!

Alec Baldwin: Thank you! Thank you! Thanks very much. It’s great to be here again hosting “Saturday Night Live”. A lot of exciting things have been happening for me since the last time I was here. But, before I get to that, I want to take a moment to say, thank you, Christian Bale. Who has replaced me as the person most synonymous with recorded celebrity meltdowns. [ audience laughs ] Thanks!

Now, since the last time I’ve been here, I’ve won an Emmy and a Golden Globe and a SAG Award for “30 Rock”. [ audience cheers ] You’re too kind. But I’m not a believer in individual honors. “30 Rock” is an ensemble effort, and, as luck would have it, one of my colleagues from the show, a personal friend of mine, is here tonight. Now, you — and by “you”, I mean America — might not know him yet, but I think he’s great. Ladies and gentlemen — Jack McBrayer.

[ McBrayer smiles widely, stands, and waves to the cheering audience ]

Alec Baldwin: Okay, that’s enough! [ the audience continues to cheer ] I said, that’s enough! [ McBrayer continues to lavish the audience’s applause ] Alright, SHUT UP!!! [ the audience dies down ] That’s enough. Thank you. [ McBrayer sits ] I would love to spend more time on Jack, but we have to move on to questions from the audience. [ points ] Uh — you.

Audience Member 1: Hi! Sorry, I’m so nervous!

Alec Baldwin: It’s okay. Ask away.

Audience Member 1: Oh, well… it’s actually a question for Jack McBrayer.

Alec Baldwin: Very well.

Audience Member 1: First of all, you are my FAVORITE part of “30 Rock”!

Jack McBrayer: Aw, thank you!

Alec Baldwin: [ interrupting ] If I may, that’s not really a question. It’s more of a statement, an opinion, really.

Audience Member 1: Okay, you know what? I’m talking to Jack. [ she turns back to McBrayer ] Jack, who is your favorite person on “30 Rock” to work with?

Jack McBrayer: Oh, uh — it is such a talented group. Uh, I guess If I had to pick a favorite…

[ Baldwin looks down with interest ]

Jack McBrayer: I would say that I can’t. I like them all equally.

Alec Baldwin: [ disgusted ] You can’t name one, really? Uh, I’m right here.

Audience Member 2: I-I-I got a question!

Alec Baldwin: Go right ahead.

Audience Member 2: Yeah, um — did you ever meet Tina Fey?

Alec Baldwin: Uh, yes. Obviously.

Audience Member 2: Oh, wow, yeah! Um… did you ever meet Jack McBrayer?

Alec Baldwin: Yeah! He’s right here.

Audience Member 2: He is? [ he looks over ] Oh, my God! The star of “30 Rock”! [ he claps wildly ]

Alec Baldwin: Where were you at the beginning of the monologue?

Audience Member 2: Oh, I was getting something to eat.

Audience Member 3: [ stands ] Excuse me. Do you mind if I take a picture?

Alec Baldwin: Well… they normally don’t allow cameras. But, go ahead.

Audience Member 3: Okay. [ turns to McBrayer ] Okay, Jack, can you get up there?

[ McBrayer walks onto Home Base and stands next to Baldwin ]

Audience Member 3: [ as he hands his camera to Baldwin ] Would you? Thank you.

[ Audience Member 3 stands next to McBrayer, as Baldwin snaps the photo ]

Audience Member 3: Okay, just one more for safety?

[ Baldwin snaps the second photo ]

Audience Member 3: Thank you!

[ Baldwin hurls the camera to the floor ]

Audience Member 4: [ waving ] Hey! Excuse me! Excuse me, hi! sorry! Over here! I just want to say I loved you in “Glengarry Glenn Ross”!

Alec Baldwin: [ pleased ] Well, thank you!

Audience Member 4: No, I was talking to Jack.

Alec Baldwin: I’m sorry?

Jack McBrayer: [ smiling ] Uh, I was in the community theater version of “Glengarry Glenn Ross” back in Conyers, Georgia. [ recutes ] “Always be closing, please!” [ he chuckles ] It was a real thrill!

Audience Member 4: Oh… oh, no… we were the ones who were thrilled.

Alec Baldwin: Oh, alright, that’s enough. One last question.

Audience Member 4: [ quickly ] Jack! Are you ever going to host?

Jack McBrayer: Uh, I — I hope to… someday. Uh, just once or twice, though, not a whole bunch of times. I don’t want to seem desperate!

Alec Baldwin: Well, then, Jack, why don’t you get a head start?

Jack McBrayer: You mean it?

Alec Baldwin: Yeah. Let’s do this.

Jack McBrayer: Okay. We’ve got a great show! The Jonas Brothers are here!

Alec Baldwin: Whoo-oo-oo!!!

Together: So, stick around. We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Jonas Brothers perform “Tonight”

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Jonas Brothers

Alec Baldwin: Ladies and Gentlemen, Jonas Brothers.

Jonas Brothers: [ singing ]
“Well, here we are again
Throwing punchlines, no one wins
As the morning sun begins to rise, we’re fading fast
And we won’t work this out

No, we’re not gonna work this out tonight
(We won’t work this out)
No, we’re not gonna make this right
So I’ll give a kiss and say goodbye
(Give a kiss goodbye)
‘Cause we’re not gonna work this out
Tonight

Every single word’s been said (Whoa oh oh)
Broke each other’s hearts again (Oh whoa oh)
As the starlit sky begins to shine, we’re breaking down
She screams out

No, we’re not gonna work this out tonight
(We won’t work this out)
No, we’re not gonna make this right
So I’ll give a kiss and say goodbye
(Give a kiss goodbye)
‘Cause we’re not gonna work this out
Tonight

(Ohh, Ohh, Ohh, Ohh,)
We don’t have to fight
Tonight
(Ohh, Ohh, Ohh, Ohh,)
We just gotta try
Tonight
We don’t have to fight
Tonight
We just gotta try
TONIGHT

No, we’re not gonna work this out tonight
(We won’t work this out)
No, we’re not gonna make this right
So I’ll give a kiss and say goodbye
(Give a kiss goodbye)
‘Cause we’re not gonna work this out
Tonight

Well, there’s no need to fight, we’re just wasting time
(Tonight)
If you give it a try well then maybe you’ll find
(We might work this out)
Well, we know we’re in love so let’s keep it alive
(Keep it alive, keep it alive)
(Tonight)
I’m starting to see the morning light
We finally worked this out.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 16

08p: Alec Baldwin / Jonas Brothers

Jonas Brothers perform “Video Girl”

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Jonas Brothers

Alec Baldwin: Once Again, Jonas Brothers.

Jonas Brothers: [ singing ]
“You met in work, you should’ve known better
It’s gonna suck when the camera stops rolling
And you’ll find out soon that the treatment wasn’t worth it

They’re all the same, they all want the money
They’re all insane, they live for fame, honey
They laugh at you when you’re not even being funny

Well, I’ve been here before
And I’ve seen firsthand and front row seat
This little thing they call a video girl

Video girl rocked my world for a whole two seconds
And now I know I’m not about to be another victim
Of the video girl syndrome

Get out of my face, get out of my space
Get some class and kiss the past
‘Cause I’m not about to be another victim
Of the video girl syndrome

You know it’s bad when your mama doesn’t like her
All your friends sayin’ she’s a liar
Never ending phone calls aren’t enough
It’s not enough, it’s never enough

Move to LA, got no talent
Not even like you won a Miss Teen pageant
Daddy pays your bills but you still whine

Well, I’ve been here before
And I’ve seen firsthand and front row seat
What happens to a man when he gets in the hands of a

Video girl rocked my world for a whole two seconds
And now I know I’m not about to be another victim
Of the video girl syndrome

Get out of my face, get out of my space
Get some class and kiss the past
‘Cause I’m not about to be another victim
Of the video girl syndrome

You are never gonna see me miss her
Video girl syndrome
I’m not gonna be another victim
Of the video girl syndrome

Video girl rocked my world for a whole two seconds
And now I know I’m not about to be another victim
Of the video girl syndrome

Get out of my face, get out of my space
Get some class and kiss the past
I’m not about to be another victim
Of the video girl syndrome
I won’t be a victim
Of the video girl syndrome.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts