Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 5
A Message from the Vice-President of the United States
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on Vice-Presidential seal ]
Announcer: And now a message from the Vice-President of the United States, Joe Biden.
[ dissolve to Joe Biden seated at his desk ]
Joe Biden: Good evening, my fellow Americans! This coming Tuesday’s election is ESSENTIAL to the future of this country. And I’m gonna be honest with ya’: I think we’re gonna get our asses handed to us! It’s gonna be a good old-fashioned bloodbath! But Joe Biden doesn’t give up. So while the president is out trying to rally voters, I want to address you directly — because when things can’t get any worse, it’s Biden time! [ he chuckles ]
Now, Americans, I know you’re upset and I know you’re dissatisfied. But I want to ask ya’ — I want to ask ya’ a question: Is it really THAT bad? Because when I hear you complaining about the state of this nation, do you know who I think of? Those brave Chilean miners. Now, those sorry bastards were trapped underground for 69 days. And did they complain? No! No! Do you know what they did, every day? They sang their national anthem. They SANG their national anthem! So, before you start bellyaching about the direction our country is going in, I’d like you to answer the Joe Biden checklist:
One: Are you above ground?
[ after an extended pause, he smiles ]
And that’s it! [ he laughs ] That’s all I got! Hey, look — if the answer is yes, maybe cool it with the whining, okay? You’re mad about the economy? Well, for 69 days, those 33 miners had to do their business in the corner of a mine — no door — with all of their buddies watching!
Now you may be saying, “Well, it was pretty dark.” But, hey, they knew! Ho, ho, ho, they knew! [ he whistles ] Yeah, and STILL, when they came out of that hole, they were all smiles and they gave their president a big ol’ hug! They didn’t come up to him, jab a finger in his chest and ask him why there wasn’t a tougher mining regulation, you know? They just high-fived him and went on their way. But OUR guy tries to give you health care, and he’s a socialist! Now, I’m not gonna lie — it gets me riled up.
Now the president, he’s not gonna get mad about this, okay? That’s not his style. The guy’s a robot! True story, true story: I’ve never seen him sleep. No! I always try to stay up late enough to watch him doze off, but, you know, I’m out by 9:30. That’s just me. It was the same thing with me on Christmas Eve when I was a kid. I was SURE that my dad was Santa, but, to this day… can’t prove it!
What I can prove is that 33 Chileans were in a hole and, instead of starting a Tea Party, they wrapped themselves up in their flags like their country just won the World Cup! Jumping around, having a good time, enjoying life. Now, sure, part of that you can write off because of the whole Latin thing. Right. But why should they be that much happier than us? They were UNDERGROUND! I can’t even IMAGINE! True story: I was once stuck in an elevator with two other guys for only fifteen minutes, and BOTH of those guys said it was the WORST experience of their lives! [ he chuckles ] Yeah! Yeah!
So when you go to the polls on Tuesday — or not. You know, it won’t matter. Like I said, bloodbath. I want you to remember the Joe Biden motto: “Don’t be whiners, think about the miners!” And “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Air Date:
Summary: During press conference in China, President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) manages to once again upset Chinese leader Hu Jintao (Bill Hader) regarding money owed to his country.
Summary: Scarlett Johansson, Dina Lohan (Kristen Wiig), and Ke$ha (Abby Elliott) sing “Class” from “Chicago” to emphasize how people in the entertainment industry no longer display any level of class.
Summary: Although they no longer play music, M-TV has a smattering of reality-based teen pregnancy programs to choose from.
Summary: Patty Stanger (Scarlett Johansson) has no interest in findingin a suitable match for mousy lawyer Candace (Vanessa Bayer).
Summary: Manuel Ortiz (Fred Armisen) walks his endless line of guests through their problems with endless Spanish dancing, as long as the music plays at the correct speed.
Summary: Denzel Washington (Jay Pharoah) cracks one-liners as he attempts to stop a speeding train in a new action thriller.
Summary: Entertainment hosts Brady Trunk (Bill Hader) and Anastasia Sticks (Kristen Wiig) feign interest while interviewing Scarlett Johansson.
Summary: Former President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) and rapper Kanye West (Jay Pharoah) have miraculously forged a friendship since the former left office. Chatty Gladys Madden (Vanessa Bayer) relates her harrowing experience during a cruise liner unrelated its onboard fire, as bored husband Frank (Fred Armisen) ignores her.
Summary: Marvin’s (Kenan Thompson) optimism-induced friends repeatedly force him to stand up and fall despite his broken knee.
Summary: Student (Andy Samberg) raps “What Was That?” to UN Assembly in regards to head-scratching events from American history.
Summary: Paula Deen (Kristen Wiig) loves to cook fattening foods with butter and oil, but is forced to plug eight-ply paper towels for the benefit of her health-conscious viewers.
Summary: Competing child stars Laura Parsons (Vanessa Bayer) and Amanda Starr (Scarlett Johansson) perform monologues from films intended for an older audience.
Summary: Buy a ceramic bust from Mike (Fred Armisen) to add that extra touch of class to your mundane daily activities.
Summary: Businesswomen (Kristen Wiig, Nasim Pedrad) avoid embarrassing camel toe by wearing a padded bulge in their tight clothing.
