Category: 2010

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

Black Swan

Thomas…..Bill Hader
Nina…..Nasim Pedrad
Dancer…..Kristen Wiig
Lily…..Jim Carrey
David…..Taran Killam

(opens with NINA as the Swan)

Thomas: Very good, Nina. Your White Swan is flawless. But my problem is I’m not just casting the White Swan. I’m also casting the Black Swan. One down South, two rows. Your White Swan, again, is perfect. Your Black Swan is very disappointing.

Nina: Ugh!!! I see.

Thomas: White Swan thumbs up. Black Swan not so much.

Nina: I got it.

Thomas: White Swan sure. Black Swan ew.

Nina: Thomas! (pronounced Ta-ma) Please.

Thomas: Besides, someone’s Black Swan is far superior.

Nina: Who?! Her?!

(Dancer looks with a crazy look)

Thomas: No! Not her! Her!!!!!!!

Lily: Sorry I’m late, I had to go numbers three and four.

Thomas: Its ok, Lily. Warm up.

Lily: O! I’m already warm. I’m all swampy in my pants.

Thomas: She’s already warm! Isn’t she great? She’s so comfortable with her body. She even has two swan wings tattooed on her back.

Nina: I think those are like buffalo wings!

Thomas: Lily! Black Swan, now!

Lily: Get ready to rock, bitches!

Nina: But, Thomas! That’s my role!

Thomas: Nina! I want you to watch her! I want you to learn from! Watch the way she moves, Nina! She’s so persisted but beautiful! Watch, as she becomes the Black Swan! Yes! Yes! She is hungry! Hungry for bread crumbs! Watch as she seduces me! She wants to poses me to control me! She feels nothing! It’s passion! Mysterious! Dangerous!

Lily: Hoi! Hoi!

Thomas: Yes! That’s good enough! That dance could seduce me. But no one enjoys seduction more than me the words only straight from a French choreographer.

Nina: But Thomas! I can do it –

Thomas: David! David! Let me ask you something! Would you have sex with this woman? What about her, would you have sex with her?

David: Yes! Absolutely I would! Yes!

Thomas: You see, Nina? Must have been un-clear! White Swan is good! Black Swan is bad!

Nina: Yeah, I got it!

Thomas: Because if you don’t I have prepared chart. Let me see this chart I made. You can take it home if you want –-

Nina: I’m not gonna do that!

Thomas: You see, Nina, you are the White Swan, you’re innocent, naïve. You must become like the Black Swan. She’s compulsive, she goes to clubs, she does ecstasy.

Nina: I can do this role, Thomas! I know I can!

Thomas: Then there’s only one way to decide this. Both of you must dance. Whoever can seduce me will be the Swan Queen!

Thomas: She’s brilliant, see Nina, she stuck her gum in my ear! I’ve made my decision. The Swan Queen will be Nina. Because I see something in her.

Lily: Ehhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thomas: Lily! Lily! Because Lily, when you climbed on me, I felt a penis.

Lily: Fine. I’m out of here. But just remember. Once you go Black Swan, you never go back… swan.

(Closes with LILY as the Swan)

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

A Taste of New York

Emcee…Bill Hader
Audience member 1…..Paul Brittain
Audience member 2…..Abby Elliott
Audience member 3…..Vanessa Bayer
Audience member 4…..Andy Samberg
Musician 1…..Fred Armisen
Musician 2…..Jim Carrey
Musician 3…..Kristen Wiig

Emcee: Welcome to the Cos-Potin lounge in a mid-town area. How many of you are here from out of town? All of you! Wow! What did you guys do today?

Audience Member 1: We went to the Statue of Liberty!

Audience Member 3: We had pizza!

Emcee: Hahahaha! Very nice! Well now we have a special treat for you, this group is from right here in the Big Apple. And they are very authentic, very true to the city. So please say hello to A Taste of New York! A Taste of New York.

Musician 1: Good evening. Ugh, we are A Taste of New York.

Musician 2: Just a taste.

Musician 1: And, ugh, we’re from an area called between avenue V and avenue C.

Musician 2: Is there anything you’d like to hear?

Audience members 3, 4: New York! New York!

Audience members 1, 2: On Broadway!

Musician 1: Okay, yeah we’re gonna get to those for sure. We’re gonna, ugh, start out with this first. 2,3,4. (sing) See my television set, get swiped by a junky. I guess it just got up, and walked away.

Musician 2: And Parco up stair’s, threw a chair through a window. The hustlers, like to drink up on the stool.

Musicians 1, 2, 3: So we have a question for you. Can we stay with you? O please?

Musician 1: (speak) Thank you. You guys all having fun in New York?

Audience Member 1: Could you play something a little bit more upbeat?

Musician 2: Absolutely. But we still have quite a few verses of this song. Listen.

Musician 1: (sing) All the junkies on my block, hang out in my stairwell. Some drag queens I know, hang out there, too.

Musician 2: I saw a family of rats, nesting in a baby crib. People on the subway, stare at my scabs.

Musician 3: Walking down the street, with my stockings all red, when I went to the drug store, they called the cops on me.

Musicians 1, 2, 3: So we have a question for you, Can we stay with you? O! Please!

Audience member 4: (speak) Play something else!

Musician 2: Okay, we will! We will! But first, Can we stay with you?

Audience member 4: What?

Audience Member 3: No!

Musician 1: Can we stay with you? Or you? We’ve had a very challenging week.

Audience Member 2: No thank you.

Audience Member 1: No!

Musicians 1, 2, 3: (sing) Can we stay with you? Can we stay with you? I said we have a question for you! Can we stay with you? O please?

Musician 2: (sing) We have also noticed that you need a room key to use the bathroom in the lobby.

Musician 1: (speak) So our next song is, ugh, also a question. It’s called “Can We Use Your Room Key?” We’re not gonna go in to your room

Musicians 1, 2, 3: (sing) So we have a question for you. Can we use your room key? To use your bathroom.

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


January 15th, 2011

Gwyneth Paltrow

Cee-Lo Green

None

Pee Wee Herman

Anderson Cooper

None

Fox News: Embracing CivilitySummary: Greta Van Susteren (Kristen Wiig) and fellow Republican pundits make a slight effort to put aside heated rhetoric while discussing politic viewpoints that differ from their own, until they’re baited by James Carville (Bill Hader) and Rachel Maddow (Abby Elliott).

Recurring Characters: Greta Van Susteren, Glenn Beck, James Carville, Rachel Maddow.

Montage

Gwyneth Paltrow’s MonologueSummary: Fancying herself a country music enthusiast after starring in “Country Strong”, Gwyneth Paltrow makes a half-assed effort to join Kenny Rogers (Jason Sudeikis) for a duet of “Islands in the Stream”.

Recurring Characters: Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton.

NBCSummary: NBC’s latest round of midseason replacements are crime-dramas focused on obscure pieces of clothing.

Secret WordSummary: Emcee Lyle Round (Bill Hader) is frustrated when celebrity panelists Mindy Grayson (Kristen Wiig) and Titsy Bismark Dublinson (Gwyneth Paltrow) are unable to grasp the concept of the game without sacrificing their huge egos.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Grayson.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg meets Pee Wee Herman in a bar, goes a wild drinking spree, beats Anderson Cooper with a chair, and is then put to an intervention by their friends for being a bad influence on one another.

Transcript

Bar MitzvahSummary: Jacob (Vanessa Bayer) thanks people for attending his rockin’ Bar Mitzvah, which features Jewish-inspired performances from Taylor Swift (Gwyneth Paltrow), Jay-Z (Jay Pharoah), Alicia Keys (Nasim Pedrad), Katy Perry (Abby Elliott), and Cee Lo Green.

Recurring Characters: Katy Perry.

What the Forget!Summary: Cee Lo Green’s record manager (Gwyneth Paltrow) espouses near-obscenities in her quest to lift the FCC’s censoring of his profanely-titled hit single.

Transcript

Cee Lo Green performs “Forget You”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: During “Weekend Update’s Constitution Corner”, Seth Meyers swears the founding fathers would rethink the right to bear arms if they saw the guns of today. Rent Is Too Damn High spokesman Jimmy McMillan (Kenan Thompson) announces his candidacy for the 2012 Republican Party nomination. Vanessa Bayer catches up with Golden Globe nominees at the pre-show party. Garth (Fred Armisen) and Kat (Kristen Wiig) and their songwriter (Gwyneth Paltrow) perform a Christmas trio.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy McMillan, Cher, Garth, Kat.

False HistorySummary: At the Globe Theater in 1594, Shakespearean actors (Taran Killam, Gwyneth Paltrow) perform previews of upcoming plays for a disgruntled crowd.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the Anne Hathaway episode earlier in the season.

Transcript

Fresh Prince Lost EpisodesSummary: Will Smith (Jay Pharoah) presents lost episodes of “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” to celebrate the show’s 20th anniversary.

Recurring Characters: Will Smith.

Sportscenter DeportesSummary: Spanish sports anchors Ramon Zaragoza (Paul Brittain) and Sofia Cortez (Gwyneth Paltrow) use Americanized accents to recite American phrases.

Transcript

Cee Lo Green performs “Bright Lights Bigger City”

Parker/Spitzer AuditionsSummary: Eliot Spitzer (Bill Hader) auditions new co-hosts after the departure of Katherine Parker.

Recurring Characters: Eliot Spitzer, Christiane Amanpour, David Patersen.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Dr. Cecil ShowSummary: Because he’s wanted by the police, Dr. Cecil (Kenan Thompson) flees during the taping of his show and runs amok on the streets of New York.

Nashville MeetingSummary: While meeting with Jerry Reed (Jason Sudeikis) to have their record produced, musician (Jay Pharoah) reveals that he’s not really friends with his partner (Gwyneth Paltrow).

Jimmy JohnsonSummary: Jimmy Johnson (Bobby Moynihan) simultaneously promotes Prudential insurance and Extenze male enhancement pills in one all-purpose commercial.

The MikesSummary: A woman (Kristen Wiig) tries to convince her friend (Gwyneth Paltrow) to hire three guys named Mike (Bobby Moynihan, Taran Killam, Paul Brittain).

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 12

10l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green

What the Forget!

Karen Antonelli…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Larry…..Andy Samberg
Keith…..Jason Sudeikis
Rodney…..Paul Brittain
…..Cee Lo Green

[ open in Karen Antonelli’s office, as Cee Lo Green’s “Fuck You” single plays ]

[ Karen turns off the music ]

Karen Antonelli: Whoo! Congratulations, gentlemen — we have a hit on our hands! We need to get this to radio immediately.

Larry: We will — but there is a small problem.

Keith: Yeah. The FCC said Cee Lo’s new song is profane and we can’t play it on the radio unless we change the lyrics.

Karen Antonelli: [ outraged ] What the FORGET are you talking about?!

Larry: Karen! Language!

Karen Antonelli: Sorry, Larry! But this is — I’m — I’m FORGETTIN’ furious! This is FORGETTING BULLSUGAR!!

Keith: Hey, Karen! [ laughing ] Relax!

Karen Antonelli: Shut the FORGET up, Keith!

Keith: Whoa! Whoa!

[ Rodney opens the door ]

Rodney: Miss Antonelli…?

Karen Antonelli: Rodney! Rodney! I’m in the middle of a FORGETTIN’ meeting here, okay?! Can you FORGETTIN’ knock?!

Rodney: Sorry…I forgot.

Karen Antonelli: Well, the next time you FORGETTING forget… I’ll cut off your DIXIE CUP and FORGET you in the ear with it! And then, you’ll always remember never to FORGETTING forget! Now, what was so FORGETTING important?!

Rodney: I just want to tell you that Cee Lo is here.

Karen Antonelli: [ she thumps her desk ] FORGET me in the SASQUATCH! Okay! Send him in!

[ Cee Lo enters ]

Cee Lo: What’s up, you Mother FORGETTERS!

[ Cee Lo takes a seat at the desk ]

Larry: How you doing, Cee Lo?

Cee Lo: I’m feelin’ good, my NINTENDO.

Keith: [ laughing ] Yeah! That’s my NINTENDO right there!

[ the room silences ]

Keith: Right. It’s not cool when I say that word.

Karen Antonelli: Cee Lo, we’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we love your track! The bad news is, the FCC needs you to change the lyrics.

Cee Lo: [ to the men ] Is she FORGETTIN’ kidding?

Karen Antonelli: I FORGETTIN’ wish I was!

Cee Lo: [ thinking ] You know what? Those people at the FCC can — can sue my black DIXIE CARTER!

Karen Antonelli: FORGET ’em, Cee Lo! They’re SUGARHEADS and SASQUATCH-HOLES! The FCC lady I talked to over there… was a world-class COUNTRY STRONG!

Larry: Karen!!

Karen Antonelli: I’m sorry! Still, you know what? I bet if we put our heads together, we can come up with a replacement that works!

Keith: [ thinking ] Fudge?

Larry: Flock?

Karen Antonelli: Back?

Cee Lo: [ thinking ] Pussy!

Larry: Ah! No! You can’t say that!

Cee Lo: Well, you can say it if you mean “cat”.

Keith: Is that what you meant?

Cee Lo: [ chuckling ] No!

Karen Antonelli: Okay, I’ve had it! [ she picks up the phone ] Can I please have the FCC? [ to the men ] It’s time someone stands up to them.

Keith: Go, Karen.

Larry: We’re getting angry.

Karen Antonelli: [ into the phone ] Hello, Julius? This is Karen Antonelli, and I want to talk to you about a little something called “Free Speech”. Because I work with an artist who wrote a piece of art. And he is going to perform it the way it is meant to be performed! And YOU can’t stop him! [ she waits ] Uh-huh… Yeah… Right… Sure… Sure… Great! Thank you! [ she hangs up ]

Larry: What’d they say?

Karen Antonelli: They’re going to let him say “FORGET” on national television!

Larry & Keith: YES!!

Karen Antonelli: Ladies and gentlemen — Cee Lo Green!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 12

10l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green

Globe Theater

Emcee…..Bobby Moynihan
Male Audience Member…..Andy Samberg
Female Audience Member…..Kristen Wiig
William Shakespeare…..Bill Hader
Actor…..Taran Killam
Actress…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Lute Player…..Fred Armisen
Falconer…..Jason Sudeikis
Black Man…..Jay Pharoah
Painter…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on art card: Globe Theater, 1594 ]

[ dissolve to theater stage ]

Emcee: Greetings, countrymen! And welcome to the illustrious Globe Theater! Tonight, we are proud to present William Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew.

[ the audience applauds ]

Male Audience Member: Huzzahhhh!!

Female Audience Member: Three cheers for The Bard!

Emcee: But, first — we are trying something rather novel here at the Globe. Our actors are going to give you a glance ahead, at some of our Coming Attractions! We call them… Previews.

[ the audience frowns in confusion ]

Male Audience Member: Previews?

Female Audience Member: Curious!

William Shakespeare: [ in deep tone ] Coming soon: Romeo thought he had everything!

Actor: Methinks I have… everything.

William Shakespeare: — Until he fell in love… with the enemy!

Actress: I am Juliet, from Capulet.

Actor: The whaaaat?

[ lute player steps forward ]

Actress: [ singing ]
“I’ve got a feeling…
That this is going to be a good eve.”

All: [ singing ]
“That this eve’s going to be
A good, good eve!”

[ they bow ]

William Shakespeare: “Romeo and Juliet”. It’s a romance… to die for!

Male Audience Member: I don’t know if I care for these previews!

Female Audience Member: They gave away the whole plot! Now, start the play!

Male Audience Member: START THE PLAY!!

Emcee: In a moment, thank you, sir. But, first, a quick reminder: Make sure to silence your falcon —

[ reveal wide-grinning audience member holding a falcon. The falcon screeches, so the audience member places a nuzzle over his beak ]

Emcee: And, in case of a fire, the emergency exits are… nowhere. So, please, make your peace with God. Now, enjoy… The Taming of the Shrew — after one more preview!

William Shakespeare: [ in deep tone ] Coming soon: Hamlet never believed in ghosts!

Actor: That’s all HOGWASH!

William Shakespeare: — Until his own father came back — from the dead!

[ an actor in a white sheet appears behind Hamlet ]

Black Man in Audience: [ screaming ] Hey, watch out, Hamlet! It’s a GHOST!!

Male Audience Member: Shhh!! Keep it down! Now, start the play!

Female Audience Member: Start the play already!!

Emcee: Please, please! Just another quick reminder: Any recording of today’s play is prohibited.

[ a painter in the audience looks up from his canvas of the theater, quickly retrieves his easel and runs for it ]

Emcee: And, remember: Refreshments are available in the foyer.

[ actors dance on stage ]

Actor & Actress: [ singing ]
“Let’s all go to the lobby!
Let’s all go to the lobby!
Let’s all go to the lobby!”

Actor: And eat some boiled duck!

Black Man in Audience: Awww, HELL nay!

Male Audience Member: [ holding up a large chalise ] And can you believe this is a Small?!

Emcee: And now, without further ado, I give you Taming of the Shrew — after ONE more preview!

William Shakespeare: [ in deep tone ] Coming soon: You love Henry IV. Well, guess what? There’s a new king in town!

Actress: Henry IV, I presume?

Actor: Not… exactly.

William Shakespeare: Henry… the Fifth! [ he smiles ]

Male Audience Member: Let’s burn this place DOWWWWWWNNNN!!

[ the audience cheers him on in agreement ]

[ freeze-frame ]

Announcer: [ over scroll ] And so they did. And no one ever heard of shakespeare again. This has been… FALSE HISTORY! Good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 12

10l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green

Goodnights

…..Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow: I had the best time ever! Thanks to Cee Lo Green, Paul Reubens, Anderson Cooper, this incredible cast! Have a good night! We love you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 5

10e: Jon Hamm / Rihanna

Greetings from American America: Dog in Purse

Voice of Dog…..David Spade

[ SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE & BEYOND THE COMICS presents… ]

[ intercut images within postcard entitled “Greetings from American America” ]

[ a purse drops onto the screen, and a chihuahua pops his head out ]

Dog: That’s right, everybody. It’s me again — Dog in Purse.

[ title: “Dog in Purse” — with David Spade ]

[ dissolve to nightclub scene — lower portion of starlet seen carrying her dog in her purse ]

Dog: Ahhhhh — buh buh buh baaaah. Here we are at a nightclub again. Hmm, shocker of the century. [ he turns his head ] Ah, look over there — Willow Smith with a bottle of petron. That’s great. Happy 9th Birthday!

I’ve got a moron owner — drinking a glass of loudmouthed soup, yukking it up. Meanwhile I’m stuck in her purse, trying to get comfortable on a dirty hairbrush, soem Yaz pills, and Charlie Sheen’s wallet. This lady who owns me, she doesn’t even know I’m a male dog. I’m clearly a dude, yet she’s got me wearing a feather boa and a tiara on my head like I’m Zsa Zsa Gabor. [ he looks up ] Hey, lady! You know how you can tell you’re a little off-track? Flip me over! Check out the… “undercarriage”. Alright? There’s a light switch, honey — it goes on and off. Like the one that should go off in your head and say, “Hey — this dog’s a dude and has been for the last three years.”

Ohhh, okay! Here we go! There’s Jessica Alba, wearing a minidress, no less. Nice! She’s so hot, she’d better spray her shins down with Pam — STAT! — because I’m about to do the Humpty-Hump! Maybe with this tiara I’m wearing, and feather boa, she’ll get drunk and think I’m Lenny Kravitz and go for it! [ to the crowd ] Alright, gang, let’s weap it up! We’re all heading back to Brody Jenner’s house. I heard he got a new Solo Flex.

[ credits ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 5

10e: Jon Hamm / Rihanna

Audition

Director…..Jason Sudeikis
Secretary…..Abby Elliott
Lizette Barnes…..Kristen Wiig
Sandall Barnes…..Jon Hamm

[ open on sign: “CASTING TODAY” ]

[ dissolve to audition room ]

Secretary: Next, for the part of Nicole, we have Lizette Barnes.

[ the Secretary exits, as Lizette enters ]

Lizette Barnes: Hello!

Director: Ah, hello!

Lizette Barnes: Hello! [ she chuckles ]

Director: I think we’ve had you in here before?

Lizette Barnes: I’m with Classy Faces Talent Agency! [ she giggles ] You’ve heard of them?

Director: Nope. Can’t say that I have.

Lizette Barnes: Well, um, here’s my head picture! [ she hands him an 8×10 glossy ] It’s of me dressed as a sailor looking into a crystal ball, pretending to be surprised.

Director: [ studying the photo ] That’s exactly what it is! Yeah! [ he holds it up to her and laughs ] Great!

Lizette Barnes: Okay, listen! Uh, before we start, um — I have read the play. Uh, it’s very racy. And, so there are no surprises later, I just want to tell you what I am comfortable doing, and not doing, and you are just gonna have to deal with it.

Director: Okay…

Lizette Barnes: [ she laughs ] I… an willing to show my legs. My arms. My face. My stomach. My full back. [ thinking ] My toes. The top part of my head. My… naked breasts. Uh… my butt crack! My belly button. My… full vagina. Uh — let’s see… I will show my nipples. My… spread-apart butt. Um — my pushed-together boobs.

Director: Okay, Lizette? You’re not gonna have to —

Lizette Barnes: Okay! These are things… that I will do: I will sing. [ she laughs ] I will swear. I will show my bush. Uh — I will tap. I will jiggle. Um — I will cry. I will push my boobs together. Um — I will lift up my skirt, turn away from the audience, bend over and pass gas — WITH sound!

Director: Lizette! Lizette! I-I-I think you might have read a different script —

Lizette Barnes: THESE are the following things that are OUT of the question: I… refuse to wear a costume. Um. That’s it.

Director: Okay, well, that could be a problem.

Lizette Barnes: Well, then these are some things I… MIGHT… be talked into: I might punch myself in the face. Um — I might touch a ding-dong — Never say never! [ she laughs ] I might tinkle in a fake sink. Um — I might… eat a very small bowl of bird waste — IF it is relevent to the story, otherwise, you know — I mean, come on!

Director: Lizette, can I give you a little bit of feedback?

Lizette Barnes: Mmm-hmm.

Director: Uh — you’re not getting this part.

Lizette Barnes: [ screaming ] NOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOO-OOOO!!!!! GIVE IT TO MEEEEEE!!!

[ suddenly, a man rushes into the room ]

Sandell Barnes: I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’m her husband! I just have to know how this is going!

Lizette Barnes: He just told me I… I didn’t get the part!

Sandell Barnes: Well, you are making a HUGE mistake, sir!

Lizette Barnes: Sandy, please…

Sandell Barnes: NO!! I want to do this! [ soft piano music plays ] This woman isn’t just my wife! She is an ACTRESS! She is a MASTERESS of her craft! Are you INSANE in the MEMBRANE?! INSANE… in the BRAIN?!!

Director: [ waving his arms ] You guys gotta go, alright?

Sandell Barnes: FIRST, let me ASK you, sir! Have you seen this woman’s Stanley Steemer commercial?

Lizette Barnes: Sandy, don’t…

Sandell Barnes: LET me RE-MIND you: Two women are having a conversation on a couch. A child runs in and asks Mommy to look at the family dog’s new trick! Well, UNFORTUNATELY! The new trick is him dragging his dirty rear along the carpet! And SHE has to get SO MAD — Do it, honey!

Lizette Barnes: [ screaming ] TO-BYYYYYYY!!!!

Director: [ impressed ] Wow… that’s you!

Sandell Barnes: Yes! It’s HER!! And I’m sorry if she has STANDARDS, unlike every other LOOSE actress that comes in here!!

Director: No, no, no, no, you’re right. I’m sorry.

Sandell Barnes: So… now that you know who she really is… does she have the part?

Director: [ without hesitation ] No!

Sandell Barnes: What if she were to put a jelly bean in a chair, sit down and, when she stands back up, the jelly bean is gone?

Director: Get out!

Lizette Barnes: What if it’s a plum?

Director: GOODBYE!!

Lizette Barnes: Good day, sir! I mean, JERK!!

Sandell Barnes: I hope you’re happy!

[ they exit the room ]

[ Secretary re-enters ]

Director: Who’s next?

Secretary: Uh — Sandall Barnes.

Director: Great.

[ Sandall re-enters the room, now dressed in a cape ]

Sandell Barnes: Hello! I’m… Sandall Barnes. I am with the… Top Hat Warehouse Agency. Uh — I will show the backs of my legs. Uh — my pushed-together butt. Uh — the front of my weiner. Uh — I will wear diapers! Uh — I will not work with chldren, although I will DANCE with them! Uh — I may juggle!

[ as Sandall talks, the Director rises from his chair, opens the window, then jumps out onto the ground floor and casually walks away ]

Sandell Barnes: Uh — I will show my wife’s vagina. Uh — I may —

[ return to “CASTING TODAY” sign ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 5

10e: Jon Hamm / Rihanna

Back to the Future 25th Anniversary DVD

Director’s Voice…..Paul Brittain
Al Pacino…..Bill Hader
Eddie Murphy…..Jay Pharoah
Jennifer Tilly…..Kristen Wiig
Sam Kinison…..Bobby Moynihan
Robin Williams…..Jon Hamm

[ open with clips from “Back to the Future” ]

Announcer: 25 years ago, Robert Zemeckis took us on a journey… back in time. And now, you can take that journey again, with the 25th Anniversary DVD of “Back to the Future”. Including never-before-seen screen tests:

[ cut to vintage screen test clip ]

Director’s Voice: Al Pacino, as Doc Brown!

Al Pacino: Alright… alright… alright. I’m Doc Brown! “MARTY! If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour! You’re gonna see some serious shi–“

Director’s Voice: Okay, cut!

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Eddie Murphy. Screen test.

Eddie Murphy: “Doc, Doc! Listen to me! The bruise on your head — I KNOW what happened! You told me the whole story! You were standing on your toilet… you were hanging the clock… you FELL!.. and you hit your head on the SINK! And THAT’S when you came up with the idea of the FLUX capacitor!” [ a beat ] Hey, man, what the hell’s this movie about?!

Director’s Voice: It’s about time travel, Eddie.

Eddie Murphy: TIME travel?! [ he chuckles and claps his hands ] Oh, my God, that is HILARIOUS! That’s CRAZY, man! That’s FUNNY! That means you can go in the FUTURE, and do some stuff your ass ain’t even done yet! Like, hey — I ain’t slippin’ yet, but I WILL! YEAH!! [ he chuckles ] That is funny!

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Jennifer Tilly. Take One. “Why do you keep calling me Calvin?”

Jennifer Tilly: [ nasally ] “Well, that’s your name, isn’t it? “Calvin Klein”? It’s written all over your underwe-e-ear.”

Director’s Voice: Okay. Maybe you could play it a little more natural?

Jennifer Tilly: Sure. [ no change ] “Calvin Klein. It’s written all over your underwe-e-ear.” Hey. That was great.

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Sam Kinison. Take One.

Sam Kinison: [ subdued ] “Wait, Doc… Are you telling me… that you built a time machine… out of a [ screaming ] DE-LOR-E-ANNN??!! YOU IDIOT!!!” [ starts screaming wildly ]

Director’s Voice: Wait! Sam!

Sam Kinison: AAGGGHHH!!! AAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Robin Williams. Take One.

Robin Williams: [ manic ad-libbing ] “Marty! It’s getting heavy in here. Ooh! This! Oo-oo-ooh! 1.21 gigawatts! Yo! Marty! Idiot! We gotta get the hell outta here! Noooo, Marty! We gotta HARNESS the lightning! Who-oo-oo-oo! Praise Jesus!” [ holds up his hand a la Senor Wences ] “Ooh! The space-time continuum, si!”

Director’s Voice: Cut!

Robin Williams: Did I get it? [ he wraps his arms around his legs and thrusts his pelvis ] Mr. Happy thinks so![ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Al Pacino.

Al Pacino: Alright… alright. “1.21 GIGAwatts?! GREAT, Scott!”

Director’s Voice: No, no… It’s an expression. Like, “Great Scott!”

Al Pacino: Right, right, right. Okay. “1.21 GIGAwatts?! You’re doing a great JOB, Scott! Hey, everyone! Three cheers for SCOTT!”

Director’s Voice: Okay, you can go.

Al Pacino: Alright.

[ cut back to film footage ]

Announcer: The 25th Anniversary “Back to the Future” DVD. Own it today!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 5

10e: Jon Hamm / Rihanna

Back to the Future 25th Anniversary DVD II

Director’s Voice…..Paul Brittain
Nicolas Cage…..Andy Samberg
Alan Alda…..Bill Hader
Prince…..Fred Armisen
Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson
Gilbert Gottfried…..Taran Killam
Joan Cusack…..Abby Elliott
Pee Wee Herman…..Taran Killam

[ open with clips from “Back to the Future” ]

Announcer:The 25th Anniversary “Back to the Future” DVD.

[ cut to vintage screen test clip ]

Director’s Voice: Nicolas Cage. Take One. “1.21 gigawatts? How am I gonna generate that kind of power?”

Nicolas Cage: “What… in the HELL!.. is a GIGAWATT?! TELL MEEE!! TELL ME, YOU BASTAAAAARD!!”

Director’s Voice: Alright, cut! Uhhh — yeah, yeah… Nick? I’m sorry, but… you’re coming off a little crazy.

Nicolas Cage: Yeah. Oh, you think I’m crazy NOW?!! Check back with me in TWENTY-FIVE YEARS!! HA HAAAAA!!!

[ cut to next audition ]

Alan Alda: This is so nice, you guys, letting me come in. You got your lights here, your flag there…

Director’s Voice: Alan Alda as Biff!

Alan Alda: This guy’s great! Uh, wait a second. Let me get this straight. This Marty McFly covered my convertible in horse manure, so now I have to beat him up and beat his dad up? Uh… how does that happen..?

Director’s Voice: Actually, uh, they’re the same age.

Alan Alda: They’re the same — the dad and the son are the same age. Wow! Well, this is, uh, this is a real WILD movie you guys are making here, uh… godspeed! I want in! Who do I fuck?

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Prince. Take One. [ Prince stands in the background ] Okay, Prince… you wanna come up up here?

[ Prince shakes his head and slinks off of the set ]

Director’s Voice: Bill Cosby. Take One. “Listen, Doc. About the future –“

Bill Cosby: “NOOO!! MAR-TY! We already agreed that having information about the future could have disastrous consequences about the past! And the flux capacitor! [ speaking in gibberish ] And… cap-ba-luxitator! With the flixxin’ and the flaxxin’! And you end up with subberb on your face! Whaaaaaa..?”

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Gilbert Gottfried, as Biff.

Gilbert Gottfried: [ squinty-eyed and screaming ] “WHAT..?!! ARE YOU LOOKING AT..! BUTT..! HEAD!” [ he grins ]

Director’s Voice: Joan Cusack. Take One.

Robin Williams: [ manic ad-libbing ] “Hey, you-ou-ou! Get your meat hooks off me! You-ou-ou! You-ou-ou! Biff, you-ou-ou!

Director’s Voice: No.

[ cut to next audition ]

Alan Alda: “Hey, uh — hey, what are you looking at, Butt-head? Hey, why don’t you make like a tree and get outta here!” [ he smiles ] You know, th-th-that is a GREAT line! I mean, that is SO great! This stuff you guys are doing, with the 50’s and everything! You know, I-I-I had jackets like this! I-I-I’m the old guy!

Director’s Voice: Pee Wee Herman, as Marty McFly. “This Saturday, we’re sending you back to the future.”

Pee Wee Herman: “Future?! That’s the magic word!” Huh huh huh huh!

Director’s Voice: Okay, don’t forget you’re supposed to be a normal, modern teenager.

Pee Wee Herman: “I know you are, but what am I?!”

Director’s Voice: That is what you are.

Pee Wee Herman: “I know you are, but what am I?!”

Director’s Voice: Okay! Just… forget it.

Pee Wee Herman: Ha ha ha, huh!

[ cut back to film footage ]

Announcer: The 25th Anniversary “Back to the Future” DVD. Own it today![ fade ]

SNL Transcripts