Category: 2010

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 10

10j: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

Julian Assange

Mark Zuckerberg…..Andy Samberg
Julian Assange…..Bill Hader

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now, a message from Mark Zuckerberg.

[ dissolve to Mark Zuckerberg seated in profile at his computer ]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. I’m Mark Zuckerberg. On Tuesday afternoon, I was named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. While this a great honor for me, I could not have accomplished it without the half a billion users who make up Facebook’s social network —

[ the picture turns to snow, then falls upon the image of Julian Assange in his home ]

Julian Assange: Hello, again. It’s me, Julian Assange. I’m o-o-o-o-outtt! [ he sips his brandy ] As you may have heard, I was released from a British prison on bail, Thursday. Tonight, I want to take a moment to congratulate Time Magazine on the excellent selection of Mark Zuckerberg as Person of the Year. [ mockingly ] Time Magazine. Always on the cutting edge. Discovering Facebook only weeks after your grandmother!

[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]

Ah! What are the differences between Mark Zuckerberg and me? Let’s take a look: I give you private information on corporations for free… and I’m a villain; Mark Zuckerberg gives your private information to corporations FOR money… and he’s Man of the Year.

[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]

Thanks to Wikileaks, you can see how corrupt governments operate in the shadows… and then lie to those who elect them; Thanks to Facebook, you can finally figure out which “Sex and the City” character you are. I’m a Samantha. But, if the Swedish police ask — I’m a Charlotte.

[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]

In order to make a movie about Mark Zuckerberg interesting, they had to make stuff up; In order to make a movie about me — just rated “R” — they’ll have to leave stuff out.

[ he laughs maniacally as he sips his brandy ]

Perhaps, in the end, Time chose Mark Zuckerberg because… he was the more dynamic choice. Let’s check back in with him.

[ the picture turns to snow, then returns to Mark Zuckerberg ]

Mark Zuckerberg: — And I think we can ALL agree… that’s an algorithm for FUN! [ he laughs like a dork ]

[ the picture turns to snow, then returns to the image of Julian Assange shaking his head ]

Julian Assange: In conclusion, a final reminder that no matter how I die — even if there’s a video of me peacefully dying of natural causes — it was murder. [ he grins ] And here’s a status update: Democracy is dead. Happy Holidaaaayyys!!

[ he sips his brandy as the picture turns snowy again and fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 8th, 2011

Jim Carrey

The Black Keys

None

None

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A Message from the Mayor of New York CitySummary: New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg (Fred Armisen) addresses contingency plan for the recent once-in-a-lifetime snowstorm that hit the city.

Transcript

Montage

Jim Carrey’s MonologueSummary: Jim Carrey is thrilled to start the final year before the 2012 apocalypse, then tries to talk an audience member into marrying him before it’s too late.

Transcript

Bosley Hair RestorationSummary: Spokesperson (Jason Sudeikis) explains the hair loss restoration system that uses pubic hair as a baldness solution.

Note: Repeat from 10a.

Black SwanSummary: Nina (Nasim Pedrad) wants to play the lead in “The Black SWan”, but the director (Bill Hader) reveals that she has stiff competition from Lily (Jim Carrey).

Transcript

Finding Your PowerSummary: Although a panel of guests (Andy Samberg, Vanessa Bayer, Jim Carrey) swear to having taken an assertive stand against their enemies, hidden camera footage proves otherwise.

Transcript

Grady Wilson’s Tantric ‘n TastySummary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates sex techniques from around the world with the aid of randy Lee Licious (Jim Carrey).

Recurring Characters: Grady Wilson.

Transcript

The Worst of Soul TrainSummary: A highlight compendium of some of the worst acts to perform on “Soul Train”.

Transcript

The Black Keys perform “Howlin’ For You”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Nancy Pelosi (Kristen Wiig) passes the gavel to new House Speaker John Boehner (Bill Hader) and enjoys conjuring up patriotic images to make him cry. Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) delivers more erronous secondhand news. Following a report of dead birds falling from the sky, Cameron the Red-Winged Blackbird (Andy Samberg) warns of the Aflockalypse, as Everett the Fish (Taran Killam) warns of the Apocafish.

Recurring Characters: Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner.

Merryville Trolley RideSummary: When the trolley ride breaks down on its track, amusement park visitor (Kenan Thompson) is freaked out by the animatronic robots (Jim Carrey, Taran Killam) who seem to be stealthily stalking him.

Transcript

PsychicSummary: Now working as a psychic, former 80’s comic impressionist (Jim Carrey) can only conjure up the “spirits” of celebrities whose impressions he is able to perform.

Transcript

The Black Keys perform “Tighten Up”

A Taste of New YorkSummary: Junkie-strewn Marriott Hotel house band (Fred Armisen, Jim Carrey, Kristen Wiig) ignores requests to perform upbeat songs about New York.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

ExtenzeSummary: Jimmy Johnson (Bobby Moynihan) plugs the penis enhancement pill that doesn’t work for him.

Playboy MansionSummary: Playboy bunny (Abby Elliott) sings “Then He Kissed Me” after receiving marriage proposal from Hugh Hefner (Jim Carrey).

Game Time with Randy and GregSummary: Randy Dukes (Kenan Thompson) insists that co-host Greg (Bill Hader) is not an alien, even as he ,ates with another alien (Jim Carrey).

Recurring Characters: Randy Dukes, Greg, Brett Favre.Jimmy Johnson (Bobby Moynihan) plugs the penis enhancement pill that doesn’t work for him.

Sky DiversSummary: Sky diving instructor (Jim Carrey) tries to steal fellow jumper’s (Bill Hader) girlfriend (Nasim Pedrad) in mid-air.

Retirement PartySummary: Madness ensues when speeches are made at a business executive’s (Fred Armisen) retirement party.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

A Message from the Mayor of New York City

Mike Bloomberg…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: The following is a message from a New York mayor, Michael Bloomberg.

Mike Bloomberg: Hello! I’m Michael Bloomberg. Two weeks ago tomorrow, on December 26th, New York City was hit by what would be forever known as the Great Blizzard of 2010. The snow began to fall and by the time it stopped the next day, it was snow everywhere! On the streets. On the ground. In the trees. Even on those big rocks or whatever in Central Park. It was so deep, some city residents said they couldn’t even see the sidewalk in front of their apartment, until the building super shoveled it. It was, in short, a catastrophe. It brought this city to a complete standstill. Today, as we continue to dig ourselves out from this horror, many New Yorkers are left stunned, bewildered, and overcome with feelings of despair and hopelessness. Above all, we have questions:

1. Where does snow come from?

2. Is it dangerous?

3. Will the snow stay forever?

4. How do I get snow off my car?

5. And, what happens if snow touches suede?

Rest assured, my office is working to find answers to these questions. And many help professionals are standing by for those who find themselves overwhelmed by the enormity of this event. In the meantime, we continue to urge all of New Yorkers, as we have throughout this crisis, not to leave your apartments. Unless it’s absolutely essential. Don’t even look out your windows. If you run out of food, please don’t try to run out and get some. Don’t be a hero. Simply call a restaurant that delivers, and the Mexicans will bring you food.

Now the big question: What are we doing about removing the snow?

Tonight, I am pleased to report that, even as we speak, thousands of city sanitation workers are out on the plows. They’re not plowing yet. Right now, they’re playing cards. That’s in their contract. After they’re done playing cards, they’ll look at internet porn for an hour or so. Then stop for lunch. After that comes a two-hour break. Then we’ll send them home early. Also in their contract. But they’ll be back at noon when overtime kicks in. And do some snow renewal for about an hour. Followed by a 90-minute stoppage to protest department layoffs. After that, they’ll be extremely intoxicated. So our attorneys have advised us just to send them home early with pay rather than risk liability. On a related note, I am pleased to report 16th St., between 6th and 7th avenues, is now completely clear of snow. That’s because of a gas explosion and fire caused by one of our city snow plows hitting a propane truck. And let me assure you, the driver in question, who wasn’t intoxicated, will not be at the wheel again. He has been promoted to supervisor.

Before concluding, I wanna take a moment to thank every New Yorker for the astonishing courage and resolve you have displayed throughout this whole ordeal. And also to remind you that no natural disaster, even one as devastating as this, is ever an excuse for domestic violence. Or for smoking. At some point, we will overcome this crisis. However long it takes, however much it costs, I promise you, we will clear New York City of snow. And then, God willing, we can start on Queens.

Thank you, AND “LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!”

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

Goodnights

…..Jim Carrey

Jim Carrey: Thank you! Thank you, Black Keys! Thank you, wonderful cast! Thank you, Lorne Michaels! Thank you for all my friends who are here, I love you all! You are my favorite, I love it! Hey! Never lose your boing!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

Grady Wilson’s Tantric ‘n Tasty

Grady Wilson…..Kenan Thompson
Leelicious…..Jim Carrey

Grady Wilson: Well, hello! Let me ask you a personal question. How’s your love life? A little stale? Well I’m Grady Wilson here to say that variety makes everything most spicy. You and your spouse wouldn’t have the same meal every day for dinner. So why do the same thing over and over in the bedroom? Get the full spectrum with this DVD, “Grady Wilson’s Tantric ‘n Tasty.” I’ve been all over the world exploring new sexual techniques for your marriage. I’m ready to share them with you!

With moves like “The Ben & Jerry’s.”

(cut to Grady demonstrating in his garage)

Grady Wilson: Now you wanna walk up to the counter, pick yourself out a flavor, and then just scoop it out, (he thrusts) scoop it out, oh, that’s good. Scoop it out!

Grady Wilson V/O: “The Mission Impossible.”

Grady Wilson: Don’t touch the floor, now! Don’t touch it! Ahhhh!!!!! Alert! We-ooo-we-ooo-we-oo! Lock it down!

Grady Wilson V/O: And “The Slumdog Millionaire.”

Grady Wilson: Ji ho! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Ji ho! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

(cut back to Grady hosting the infomercial)

Grady Wilson,/b>: Mmm! Tasty! You’re asking how did I learn all of these moves? Well it came from a special friend. Come on in here. This is Leelicious!

Leelicious: Nom-ous-a!

Grady Wilson: It is nasty! Lee is an erotic sholmen. We met at the Baltimore Podiatry Institute when we both audited in a class in ladies foot care. Lee has been to India three times.

Leelicious: Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo whoo! Mishanicosros.

Grady Wilson: And he can show you some of the freakiest eastern techniques ever! Things like…

(cut to Grady and Leelicious demonstrating in his garage)

Leelicious V/O: “The Oil Rig.”

Leelicious: Now for this one we go just off the coast. And put our driblet down. Pump it! Pump it! Pump it! Pump it! Pump it! Lot of fun, but, if it bursts you’re going to need a lot of clean up.

Leelicious V/O: “The Market Fluxuation.”

Leelicious: Stocks are rising and then they plunge. Stocks are rising and then they plunge. You think you’re safe and then you’re screwed. And over and over and over and over!

Leelicious V/O: “The Sneaky Baboon.”

Leelicious: Hoo hoo hoo hoo! Do pop in for a kwiki and then hoo hoo hoo hoo! And you’re back in the trees!

Grady Wilson: Woo! Now that’s taking the bootie to exotic places! There’s even techniques for groups.

Grady Wilson V/O: Like the “Two Lumberjacks.”

Grady Wilson: Okay, now for this one you wanna put your partner in the middle grab hands and then use yourself. Cut right through that! Cut it down! Is your tree down yet?

Leelicious: No!!!!

Grady Wilson: Is the tree down yet?

Leelicious: Almost!!!!

Grady Wilson: Aww!!! There she goes!!

Grady/LeeTimber!!!!!!!

Grady Wilson V/O: “The Endless Clown Car.”

Grady/Lee: Dee! De! Dee! De! Dee! De! Dee! De! Dee!

Leelicious: So many clowns!

Grady/Lee: Dee! De! Dee! De! Dee! De! Dee! De! Dee!

Grady Wilson V/O: “The Elliptical Machine.”

Grady Wilson: Alright now for this one someone has to be the elliptical. You put your partner in the middle, climb on and grab the legs and just climb the heat climb the heat now you’re getting to cross country!

Grady Wilson V/O: “The Wrath of Ganesh.”

Grady Wilson: Oh! You have anger, Ganesh?

Leelicious: Now you will get the truck.

(return to Grady and Leelicious hosting the infomercial)

Grady Wilson: Hahaha! Now, that’s tantric tastic! Call today for Grady Wilson’s “Tantric ‘n Tasty.” And stimulate your stockman’s today. O!

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

Merryville Trolley Ride

Guy…..Kenan Thompson
Girl…..Kristen Wiig
Robots…..Jim Carrey, Taran Killam, Bill Hader
Repairman…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior footage of amusement park ]

[ dissolve to interior, Merry-Go-Trolley ride, as a couple rolls through ]

Girl: Yay! The Merry-Go-Trolley ride! Honey, I haven’t been on this in forever!

Guy: [ chuckling ] Yeah, your sister told me it was your favorite.

Girl: [ pointing ] Oh, look! Here come the Merry-Go-Brothers!

[ two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise with a guitar and tambourine to perform in an eerie manner ]

Jingle: “If you join with our friends in a friendly song, then you’ll have friendship all day long. So come along and sing all day, ’cause that’s the Merryville brother way!”

[ third robot rises to bang a triangle, then they all lower back behind the wall ]

Girl: Oh, my God! Aren’t they great!

Guy: I don’t know… they actually creeped me out a little bit.

Girl: Ohhh! They’re not creepy, they’re cute!

[ suddenly, the ride shorts out ]

Guy: Wha — what was that?

Girl: Hmm… I don’t know.

[ Repairman enters ]

Repairman: Hey — sorry, folks. It’s a little issue with the track. Uh, we should be up and running in no time.

[ he exits ]

Guy: You better be quick!

Girl: [ playfully ] Don’t say that!

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again and perform in an eerie manner ]

Jingle: “If you join with our friends in a friendly song, then you’ll have friendship all day long. So come along and sing all day, ’cause that’s the Merryville brother way!”

[ the third robot rises to bang a triangle, then they all slowly turns their gazes toward the guy ]

Guy: [ uneasy ] Why — why aren’t they going away?

Girl: What?

Guy: [ freaking out ] Did you see him WINK at me?!

[ the robots lower back behind the wall ]

Girl: Honey! [ the ride kicks into gear ] There! That’s so cute!

Guy: Oh. Well, at least we’re moving.

[ the ride shorts out again ]

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again and perform in an eerie manner, reaching out to almost touch the guy as he freaks out ]

Jingle: “If you join with our friends in a friendly song, then you’ll have friendship all day long. So come along and sing all day –!”

[ the robots short out and lock into position ]

Guy: [ sweating ] Well — why’d they stop?!

Girl: Oh… nothing. [ she smiles ]

Guy: [ sobbing ] I — I think it’s coming for me!

[ the second robot reaches forward to brush his hand against the guy’s cheek ]

Guy: [ he screams ] IT CAN REACH MY FACE!!

[ the robots kicks back into gear ]

Jingle: “– that’s the Merryville brother way!”

[ the third robot rises headless to bang a triangle ]

Guy: Oh, oh…! Get me out of this car!!

Girl: Honey, will you calm down?

[ the robots finally lower back behind the wall ]

[ the Repairman returns ]

Repairman: Hey — sorry, folks. This is a real mess! You know, everyone’s gonna get a FULL refund. The bad news is: We have to evacuate the ride, but I can take one of you at a time. So, Miss, come with me?

Girl: Oh! Okay. Alright. Well, I’ll be outside, honey.

Guy: WAIT!! Wait! Take MEEEEE!!!

[ she follows the Repairman away from the car ]

Guy: Don’t just leave me here!

[ suddenly, the two robots rise again, this time wielding machetes ]

Jingle: “If you join with our friends in a friendly song, then you’ll have friendship all day long. So come along and sing all day, ’cause that’s the Merryville brother way!”

[ the robots climb over the wall and advance upon the guy and put him in a chokehold ]

Guy: HEYYY!!! THEY GOT KNIVES!!! Actually… that’s a MACHETE!! NO!! NO!!

[ the robots begin to push the guy’s car forward, as the third robot rises with his head in place ]

Guy: Hey, that’s ME!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

Jim Carrey’s Monologue

…..Jim Carrey

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jim Carrey!

Jim Carrey: Thank you! Thank you! How ’bout those Jets, New York? [ the audience cheers ] Yeah! It’s great to be back! Who’s up for an AMAZING New Year? [ the audience cheers ] Who thinks 2011… will be the best year EVER!! [ the audience cheers ] Who thought 2010 was TOTAL CRAP!! [ the audience cheers ] Wouldn’t want to go through that again, huh? [ he laughs maniacally ] What a nightmare! I’m just looking forward, that’s what I’m doing! I’ve always been a very positive person. Except when I’m angry, or depressed, or hungry. Then I can be a real handful. But, tonight, I’m seeing the beauty in everything. Like, right here in front of me — I’m looking at two of the most magnificent breasts I’ve ever seen! Congratulations, Sir!

[ reveal fat white guy in the front row ]

Male Audience Member: Thank you, Jim! Thank you!

Jim Carrey: No problem! No problem! See, THAT’S the kind of positive energy I’m talking about, when I’m hosting… “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE”!! [ the audience cheers ] Especially considering it’s the very first show of the last year of our existence! Dead birds are falling from the sky. Some people say that’s bad. I say: Arkansas eats free. Yes, sir! I’m bullish on the apocolypse! When life hands you lemons… you make lemonade! You know? When everybody around you bursts into flames, it’s time for S’mores! When the Earth opens up… so will parking spaces! And when I see a river of blood… I go kayaking, mister! But I would wear a condom. It is blood, after all.

[ he licks his lips comically ]

So let’s celebrate this new year TOGETHER! Let’s make this moment count! ‘Cause, frankly — it’s all we got. [ he looks into the audience ] How you doing, Ma’am? [ he steps toward her ] Good, yeah? You doing good tonight? What’s your name?

Female Audience Member: Mindy.

Jim Carrey: Mindy. Mindy. do you want to make this moment here tonight, Mindy, really count?

Female Audience Member: Absolutely!

Jim Carrey: [ kneeling ] Marry me, Mindy. Marry me, and make me the happiest man in the world. Shh! [ he holds his finger to her lips ] Just let me make my case. First of all… I’m Jim Carrey. And you know what that means — mucho dinero! Big bucks! Big bucks! Even with a pre-nup, really. ‘Cause, you know. And if you get pregnant, well, it’s all over! [ he laughs ] So… what’s it gonna be, Mindy? Please! Please say yes!

[ she holds her engagement ring ]

Jim Carrey: [ spurned ] Mindy! Let me see that, let me see that. [ he tries to pry her ring loose ] Oh, my God… I’ll just hold on to these.

[ she shakes her head know and frees her hand ]

Jim Carrey: Okay. Mindy — alright. Well, I guess I’m going to have to wait, aren’t I? [ she nods ] Okay! [ he looks across the aisle ] Come on, dude!

[ Carrey takes the fat guy’s hand and leads him up to Home Base ]

Jim Carrey: What’s your name?

Male Audience Member: Bob!

Jim Carrey: Bob. [ to the audience ] This is Bob, my new life partner!

[ Bob holds a thumbs-up ]

Jim Carrey: Thanks for nothing, Mindy! We’ll see you! Black Keys, come on back! We’re gonna go backstage now — we’re gonna consummate.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

Finding Your Power

Zack Twinefeld…..Jason Sudeikis
Ethan…..Andy Samberg
Jessica…..Vanessa Bayer
Garrett…..Jim Carrey

[ open on talk show set ]

Zack Twinefeld: Hello. And welcome to “Finding Your Power”. I’m licensed therapist Zack Twinefeld. And today we are focusing on how self-empowerment can be achieved through healthy confrontation. Now, Ethan — you said you recently had a very intense confrontation with your boss. Can you tell us what happened?

Ethan: Yes. My boss is a real jerk. And I was tired of dealing with it. So I marched into his office, got in his face and said: “You don’t like me, and I don’t care! and if you got a problem with me, that’s on YOU, buddy! You need to BACK OFF and let me do my job!”

Zack Twinefeld: Wow. I bet he was surprised by that.

Ethan: [ chuckling with delight ] Oh, believe me, he was!

Zack Twinefeld: Well, let’s see how it went.

Ethan: [ confused ] What? [ he looks around ]

Zack Twinefeld: We have the security camera footage. Let’s roll it.

[ cut to security camera footage: Ethan, alone in his boss’ office, crying ]

Ethan: Why don’t you like me! Whyyyy? [ sniffling ] I like youuuu! You know? I’m trying to do what you want! And I give you things! You never thank me! And I didn’t have a daaaad — and you KNOW that!! [ he bawls harder ]

[ return to the set ]

Zack Twinefeld: [ stone-faced ] Wow. So, did that change things for you at work?

Ethan: [ a beat ] No, he wasn’t there yet. I just yelled at the desk.

Zack Twinefeld: I see. Well, you sure told his desk.

[ Ethan returns a sarcastic smile ]

Zack Twinefeld: Jessica! I understand you recently confronted your sister about how she treats you.

Jessica: [ smiling ] Yes, Zack! My sister’s a real Martha Stewart type — a perfect mother and wife, and she always makes me feel less than.

Zack Twinefeld: Mmm-hmm. But you spoke your mind, right?

Jessica: I sure did! She started belittling me at Christmas dinner, so I said: “Sherry! Do NOT speak to me in that condescending tone! If you have issues with the way I live MY life, then keep it… to… yourself!”

Zack Twinefeld: [ he raises his eyebrows ] Wow! Bold words.

Jessica: Yeah, well… she needed to hear it!

Zack Twinefeld: Well, we recorded it on our hidden camera. Let’s take a look.’

[ cut to hidden camera footage: Jessica gasping and crying at the dinner table ]

Jessica: Look at me! I’m all alone! I have TWO vibrators! TWO vibrators! Yuo have SO many people who LOVE you! I want your life! Trade with me! TRADE! With! Me!

[ return to the set ]

Zack Twinefeld: Hey, what’d you say at the end there? I couldn’t make it out.

Jessica: I said… “Trade with me.”

Zack Twinefeld: [ smugly ] “Trade with me.” That’s the one! Thank you, Jessica.

[ Jessica hangs her head in shame ]

Zack Twinefeld: Now, Garrett — You recently were on a trip with your wife, and she told you something shocking.

Garrett: Yes, she did. She told me that she was sleeping with another man. We were on a remote mountain in Vermont, where there were no cameras! But I can assure you… I set her straight! [ he smiles with great confidence ]

Zack Twinefeld: Is that right? You really laid down the law?

Garrett: [ triumphantly ] Oh! Yeah! I did! I looked her STRAIGHT in the eye, and I said: “I deserve better. We are done! Now, get the hell… OUT OF MY LIFE!!”

Zack Twinefeld: Incredibly assertive. And how did it feel to take your power back?

Garrett: [ beaming with pride ] Zack… it felt MAGNIFICENT!

[ Zack stares Garrett down uncomfortably, armed with his secret knowledge of the events ]

Zack Twinefeld: Well, we put a camera in your wife’s mouth — let’s roll it!

Garrett: [ stunned ] WHAT?!!

[ cut to hidden mouth-cam footage: Garrett bawling to his wife in the snow ]

Garrett: I can’t believe you don’t love me! Why?! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! [ the camera pulls back ] No! No, don’t leave! Don’t leave! [ the mouth closes and re-opens ] Don’t leeeeeave!! [ the camera pulls back farther and father ] I’ll stop eating! I’ll die of starvation, and THEN you’ll see!! [ he throws himself down into the snow and writhes maniacally ]

[ return to the set ]

Zack Twinefeld: [ grinning ] Sounds like you set her straight! From what I could, you know, hear through your sobbing.

Garrett: Hey — we’re still together! And the guy she’s seeing is pretty cool, so —

Zack Twinefeld: Well, how nice for you! Good work, everyone! We’ll see you next time. Good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

Psychic

Husband…..Jason Sudeikis
Wife…..Nasim Pedrad
Woman…..Vanessa Bayer
Psychic…..Jim Carrey

[ open on exterior, psychic reading shop ]

[ dissolve to interior, where three people sit around a medium table ]

Husband: I can’t believe we’re actually doing this — paying money to some “psychic”.

Wife: Honey, you said you’d keep an open mind.

Woman: I’m trying to contact my uncle. How about you?

Wife: My father. He passed away last Spring, and… I just wish I could speak to him one last time.

[ suddenly, the psychic appears from behind a curtain ]

Psychic: THAT… [ he wheels forward ] can be arranged. [ he chuckles ] Pardon me, my lateness. I was in the bathroom.

Woman: I didn’t hear a flush.

Psychic: [ ignoring her ] Let’s begin! I’m… Allam Alazambraaaaa! You’ve all lost loved ones, but I commune with the dead! And I channel their spirits.

Husband: Wait a second — do I know you from somewhere?

Psychic: [ he laughs ] Well — in the early Eighties, I was prominent celebrity impressionist Allen Mooch.

Husband: Oh, yeah!

[ the psychic laughs ]

Husband: Yeah, honey, remember? This guy was on “Comic Relief”, like, three times!

Psychic: Four times.

Husband: FOUR times!

Psychic: Yeah, but those days are behind me.

Wife: Whew! Well, it’s good you’re not a comedian any more, because we’re really looking for some answers.

Psychic: Don’t worry — I… am a psychic medium. And I take these grief sances very seriously. Take my hand. [ he extends his hands to the group ]

Woman: [ relunctant ] I didn’t hear a sink, either.

Psychic: [ he wipes his hand on his cloak ] Take my hand.

[ she finally takes his hand, as he gazes into the crystal ball ]

Psychic: [ whispering ] There is a spirit here… There is… a spirit in this room… a man. I can see his face!

Wife: [ excited ] Is it my father?

Psychic: No. It’s… it’s… Show yourself, spirit! It’s none other than… Mr. Jimmy Stewart! [ he breaks into a trance, gasps, then spins around in his chair and becomes Jimmy Stewart as Jefferson Smith: ] “That lady on top of the Capitol Dome — doggonit! That — that lady stands for liberty!”

[ the trance ends ]

Husband: [ excited ] Oh, wow! Wow! That sounded just like Jimmy Stewart!

Psychic: Thank you! He was the spirit that was there.

Wife: Why would… Jimmy Stewart want to contact us?

Psychic: I cannot answer that question. I’m just a humble medium! A vessel! From which they speak.

Wife: Well… can we try to contact my father?

Psychic: Yes. Take my hand. [ he holds out both of his hands ] Oh, hold on. [ he uses his left hand to first scratch his ass, then holds it back out for the woman ] That really itches! Take my hand. [ she relunctantly takes it ] I seeeee a spirit!

Wife: Is it my father?

Psychic: No. Unless your father was… the great… Bilie Holliday!

Husband: No way! No way!

[ the psychic gasps, turns his head and places a white flower upon his head, then returns to his customers ]

Psychic: [ singing as Billie Holiday ] “Nobody’s business… if I doooooo!”

[ the trance ends ]

Husband: Oh, man!

Wife: It’s just that I… REALLY wanted to speak to my father!

Psychic: [ looking into his crystal ball ] I SEE SOMEONE’S FATHER!!

Wife: [ hopeful ] What does he have to say?

Psychic: He wants to talk… about… growing pains.

Husband: Huh?

Psychic: Because he’s TV’s favorite father — Alan Thicke! [ he gasps, spins in his chair, and turns back as Alan Thicke ] “Michael Seaver! If I find out you’ve been cutting class… you can kiss that new Mustang GOODBYE!”

[ the husband is excited, and begins stamping his feet wildly ]

Wife: Wait a minute…

Psychic: [ out of his trance ] WHAT?! Too soon?

Wife: No. I’m pretty sure Alan Thicke is still alive — like… 60% sure.

Husband: That was GREAT!! NO ONE does a THICKE!! Do more spirits!!

Psychic: Miss Piggy’s with us!

Husband: Whoa! Is she?!

Wife: [ skeptical ] The fictional puppet, Miss Piggy?

Psychic: [ breaks into his Miss Piggy voice ] “Oh, Kermie! You are my favorite froggie!”

Husband: Wait, wait — is Kermit here, too?

Psychic: [ blinks his eyes and falls into character ] “I’m afraid so! [ singing ] It’s not easy bein’ green…”

Wife: Stop doing your ACT!

Psychic: [ outraged ] HOW DARE YOU?!! I can’t control spirits!!

Husband: No.

Psychic: Just like YOU can’t control… [ falling into a new character ] Mr. Charles Bronson. [ lifts his head ] “Heeeeeyyy, scumbag! You make me… wanna PUKE!”

Husband: Awesome! Awesome!

Wife: I’m leaving!

[ she stands up and exits ]

Husband: What?! Honey, you’re gonna miss his closer! [ to the psychic ] You were amazing!

[ he reluctantly follows his wife ]

Psychic: Thank you!

Woman: [ still enthusiastic ] Can we try to contact my uncle? You might have heard of him — he was the actor Marlon Brando?

Psychic: Don’t do Marlon! Don’t have a good Brando down!

Woman: [ game anyway ] Well… can you do a Sammy Davis, Jr.

Psychic: [ he scrunches his face ] Let’s just see… let’s see if he’s here. [ he presses his face onto the crystal ball, then lifts his head while holding the crystal ball in front of his eyeball and performs ] “THAT’S where I left that thing! [ singing ] Who can take an eyeball? Dip it in a dream…?”

[ pull back, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 11

10k: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

The Worst of Soul Train

Coughy Robinson…..Bobby Moynihan
Shooting Starr…..Jay Pharoah
Gary St. Marvelous…..Andy Samberg
Maxwell family member…..Kenan Thompson
Triangle Sally…..Kristen Wiig
Ricky…..Nasim Pedrad
Bro-Botix member…..Taran Killam
Bro-Botix member…..Paul Brittain
Ocean Billy…..Jason Sudeikis
D’Versity…..Jim Carrey

Announcer 1: The following is a paid advertisement for Time Life’s DVD collection.

Announcer 2: It was the must see, and most important, urban music show ever! It was the hippest group in America. It was the “Soul Train!”

Coughy Robinson: Hello! Welcome back to our celebration of “Soul Train!” I’m Smokey Robison’s white, half-brother, Coughy Robinson. For those of you loved our 8-disc collection, “The Best of Soul Train,” but weren’t satisfied with only 120 hours of footage, we are now proud to present “The Worst of Soul Train!” Featuring all the acts from the 70’s and 80’s that you tried to forget. Like Shooting Starr, with their song “Rheumatoid Arthritis.”

Shooting Starr: (sing) I got pain in my joints! Saying ow, ow, ow! I got swelling in my knees saying ow, ow, ow! My arthritis is acting up! Ow! Ow! Ow! Owwww!

Coughy Robinson: (speak) Or how about Disco Blip, Gary St. Marvelous with “I Saw You.”

Gary St. Marvelous: (sing) And I turned around, there on the ground. I saw you. I just saw my best friend die on the dance floor!

Coughy Robinson: (speak) And don’t forget all twenty-six member of the Maxwell family performing there hit “Only One Bathroom.”

Maxwell family member: (sing) There’s only one bathroom, and there’s twenty-six of us! I only get to shower, every other month! Why did my parents keep on having kids? Out house is stinky.

Coughy Robinson: (speak) And maybe you’ll remember Triangle Sally with her only recorded song “I Have a Triangle.”

Sally: (She does silly dance moves. She hits the triangle twice.)

Coughy Robinson: Triangle Sally – Triangle Sally died halfway through that song. And we did not edit it out. And there are many more non-legends from the 70’s and 80’s like “Daddy Big Hat & Cheryl,” “Klamydia,” “Del Newbornz,” and “Gary Arbramowitz.” Plus there are interviews with some of the original Soul Train dancers.

Ricky: What?! Yeah hi!! Ok! Yeah! Hi! Oh! Ok! What?!

Coughy Robinson: And of course there are even worse bands. Like this space-age mess called Bro-Botix.

Bro-Botix member 1: (sing) Does a robot… drink champagne?

Bro-Botix member 2: Yes a robot… drinks champagne!

Coughy Robinson: (speak) That was the entire song. And if you liked Billy Ocean you will dislike Ocean Billy. With “Get Out of My Car and in to My Trunk.”

Ocean Billy: (sing) Get out of my car! Get in to my trunk! (shout) I said get in the trunk!

Coughy Robinson: (speak) That guy was a real tick ‘n time bomb. And of course there was the man himself, D’Versity, with a magical little number called “I Just Need One.”

D’Versity: (sing) Girl, we’ve been together, such a long, long time! And when you’re near me, my heart does shine. So I’ve got to ask before we stop, it’s a question straight from my heart, can I see one titty? Oh!!! Girl!! Just give me one titty!!!! Oooo!! (speak) I just wanna see one of your titty’s girl.

Coughy Robinson: So why wait? Order “The Very Worst of Soul Train” today! Or they’ll kill me!!!

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts