Announcer: The following is an address from the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated at desk in Oval Office ]
President Barack Obama: Good evening, my fellow Americans. It was exactly one year ago last Tuesday, May 1, 2011, that U.S. Navy Seal Team 6, acting on my orders, put an end to the career of Osama bin Laden. I hope you had a safe and joyous first anniversary of his killing, and that you were able to spend it with those you love. This is a special time of year, when we gather together with family and friends to commemorate the shooting of this terrorist, and the gutsy decision that made it possible. Unfortunately, I wasnt able to be at home this year, as I had to fly to Afghanistan to remind President Karzai that, exactly one year ago, we killed Osama bin Laden, and that the decision to do so was a gutsy one. And was mine. To Michelle, Sasha, and Malia: Im sorry I couldnt be with you this time. You know theres no place Id rather be on Killing Osama bin Laden Day than with you. But Ill be home for the next Killing Osama bin Laden Day. If only, as the song goes, in my dreams.
Now tonight, I want to talk to you about the economy. But first, a little more about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Why is it that Mitt Romney refuses to join the rest of his fellow Americans in commemorating the first year anniversary? Does he think that killing Osama bin Laden wasnt the right thing to do, or that it wasnt “gutsy”? Why all this sympathy for a terrorist? Could it be they shared some special bond, since Mitt and Osama were both members of the One Percent? He’s weird.
Now, Ill get to the economy in a minute, but while Im on the subject, there seems to be some confusion among the general public about when exactly we celebrate Killing Osama bin Laden Day. Many of you apparently think its the first Sunday in May, whatever date that falls on. Wrong. He may have been killed on the first Sunday of May, but Killing Osama bin Laden Day is always celebrated May 1st, the date of the actual killing, whatever day of the week that falls on. Are we clear? Also, in response to numerous queries, here are the appropriate gifts for each anniversary of Osama bin Ladens death, according to the White House Office of Etiquette.
[ he reads from a sheet of paper ]
For the first anniversary: Paper. And the gemstone is opal.
For the fifth anniversary: Wood. The gemstone is amethyst.
For the tenth anniversary: Tin. Really. Tin. Many people think its silver, but its not. Its tin. Remember that. You dont want to be embarrassed. But you can also add your own ideas. For example, Ive already promised Michelle and the girls, for the Tenth Anniversary, Im taking them to Orlando.
One more thing: I want to remind us all that, when sending a Killing of Osama bin Laden anniversary card, or offering best wishes on Killing Osama bin Laden Day to a friend who happens to be Muslim, we should be considerate of Islamic cultural tradition. To many Muslims, phrases like Osama bin Laden “went dirt-napping, or assumed room temperature, or sleeps with the fishes, can be offensive. Especially the last one, since, as we all know, he was buried at sea. And, of course, lets all remember that heavy drinking and Killing Osamabin Laden Day are never a good combination. So please celebrate Killing Osama bin Laden Day responsibly. After all, its the gutsy decision.
Well, Im afraid thats all I have time for tonight. The economy, by the way, is looking fantastic. Thank you for listening, and “Live from New York, its Saturday Night.”
Defense Attorney…..Jason Sudeikis Chad Kevin Jeremy…..Eli Manning Judge…..Bill Hader Prosecuting Attorney…..Abby Elliott
[ open on exterior, courthouse ] [ dissolve to interior, courtroom ]
Defense Attorney: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury… you’ve heard the prosecution’s case. But I will now prove that this murder could NOT have been committed by my client, Mr. Chad Kevin Jeremy. [ he stands ] Now, it’s important that you remember that the Coroner’s report places the time of death between 10:30 and 11:30 p.m. on the evening of March 24th. Mr. Jeremy, where were you at, at that time.
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] I was at home, all evening.
Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm. Now, did anyone actually see you at home? A wife or a girlfriend?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] No, sir. I live alone.
Defense Attorney: But, you were, maybe, in communication with someone during that time? Anyone?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes, I was.
Defense Attorney: Oh. Good. Speaking on the phone?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] I was texting.
Defense Attorney: I see. Now, Your Honor, uh — the Defense submits Exhibit G. [ he hands over a stack of papers ] These are the text messages that my client sent during the time of the murder. Now, Chad, looking at the top of this page, is this your phone number? [ he holds up the page ]
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes.
Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm.Now, at 10:24, you texted: “Just got home, thanks again for dinner, gonna go to bed soon.” And do you recognize the number that you sent that to? [ he holds up the page ]
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] That’s my sister’s number.
Defense Attorney: Great. Great. Now, at 10:32, you sent the following to a different number: “Hey, you. Thinking about you, cutie. You still up?” Interesting. Now, uh, do you recognize that number? [ he holds up the page ]
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] That’s a girl I met at a bar.
Defense Attorney: Okay. Now at the end of that text, you put a semicolon and a Capital P. Now what did that represent?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] It’s a face… like the face I was making at the time. Like I was winking, but I was also sticking my tongue out.
Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm. I see. And could you make that face for the jury, please?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes, I can. [ he tilts his head, winks, and sticks his tongue out ]
Defense Attorney: [ chuckling ] Not exactly the face of a man about to commit murder, is it?
Prosecuting Attorney: Your Honor… Your Honor, this is irrelevant!
Judge: I’ll allow it.
Defense Attorney: Thank you, Your Honor. [ continuing ] Now, the following texts were all sent between 10:41 and 10:51 p.m. to various female recipients. We have: “You up?”… “Hey, you. What up?”… “You out?” Another one: “You out?” Another: “You out?” And, finally: “What are those big boobs of yours doing right now? Were these your texts?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone, embarrassed ] Yes, they were.
Defense Attorney: [ smiling ] Further proof that my client was in no mood for murder! Now, at 10:54, he texted: “Want some?”, and he attached the following photo — Defense admits Exhibit H, this cell phone photo. [ he holds up a blown-up photo of Jeremy sitting in boxer shorts while holding a banana between his legs ] Now, Chad… the banana is meant to represent…?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] A penis.
Defense Attorney: Whose penis?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] My penis.
Defense Attorney: And would you say this is… an accurate depiction?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] No, it is not.
Defense Attorney: And, uh, why is that?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] The banana is larger.
Judge: I was gonna say! [ he starts to chuckle ]
Defense Attorney: Yeah, yeah! Now, the recipient of the photo responded at 11:01: “Chad, you woke me and my fiancee. Don’t text me any more.” And you responded with one word, spelled “K-E-W-L.” And that just means… No, how do you pronounce that word, actually?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Kewl.
Defense Attorney: I see. And, uh… and that just means…?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Cool!”
Defense Attorney: But, again — it’s pronounced…?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Kee-ooh-ewl!”
Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm. And, for the jury, one more time?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Kewl!”
Defense Attorney: Now, following that, my client, uh, sent out another series of texts, again, each one to a different female: “You up?”… “You out?”… “You up?”… “You out?”… “You out?”… “You out?”… “S’up?”
Judge: The guy casts a wide net, huh?
Defense Attorney: [ laughing ] And then, finally: “Hey, I’m probably the last guy on Earth you want to hear from right now, and you don’t have to respond if you don’t want to. Just know that you are loved.”
Defense Attorney: [ laughing, as he pats the Judge’s hand ] Now, on that last one, there was a colon followed by a lower case O. Could you make that face for the jury, please?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes, sir. [ he raises his eyes up and makes an O-face ]
Defense Attorney: Understood. Now, at 11:08, you received this text: “Dear Wal-Mart Shopper, you won $1,000 gift card.”, and you responded: “Who this?”… followed by: “You up?” So you’re just kind of fishing for anything by that point, huh?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] That’s correct.
Defense Attorney: Yeah. Now, moving on… at 11:21, you sent: “Feeling better, cutie?” And who was that sent to?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] A co-worker who was in a car accident.
Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm. Now… did you meet up with her?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] No, sir. She was in a coma. It was a very bad car accident.
Defense Attorney: And, uh, did you know that when you sent the text?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] Yes, I did.
Defense Attorney: Yeah, yeah… it’s unbelievable. I know. It’s alright, it’s alright. Now, you sent her, uh, you sent her one more text that night. Would you mind reading that for the jury? [ he hands Jeremy the sheet ]
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “You going out after? Im having a beer near the hospital with some bros. Let me know if you wanna hook up. Hehe!”
Defense Attorney: Would you mind reading that last part again, please?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Hehe!”
Defense Attorney: I see. Sort of a child-like laughter. I understand. Were you laughing like that at the time?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] No, sir. I guess I was just being silly, yet sexy. You know, like: “Hee hee!” [ he tilts his head, winks, and sticks his tongue out ]
Prosecuting Attorney: Your Honor, none of this proves he was home all night!
Defense Attorney: Uh, well — he was! And if these texts weren’t enough to prove that, I would like to present my client’s Internet search history from that evening. [ he holds up a separate sheet ]
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ stunned, he leans into the microphone ] I’d rather just confess to the murder!
Defense Attorney: But… but you didn’t do it! You didn’t do it! So could you just read the, uh, to the jury the first thing you searched for there? [ he hands the sheet over ]
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Elderly Butts.”
Defense Attorney: Mmm-hmm.
Prosecuting Attorney: Yeah. The prosecution can’t hear any more of this. We drop the charges.
Judge: [ amused ] Yeah, but I’d like to hear more! What’s the next one?
Chad Kevin Jeremy: [ leaning into the microphone ] “Very Elderly Butts.”
Kimberly Clemens…..Abby Elliott Joanne Templeton…..Vanessa Bayer Fred Pollock…..Bill Hader Ryan Mack…..Eli Manning
Announcer: And now, it’s time to play…
Audience: What! Is! This?
Announcer: And here’s your host — Kimberly Clemens!
Kimberly Clemens: Hello! And welcome to “What Is This?”, the world’s easiest game show! We’ll show you something, and you tell us… “What Is This?” Joining us this week: She’s a achoolteacher from Baton Rouge, Louisiana — Joanne Templeton!
Joanne Templeton: [ smiling ] I just want to say to all my students: “Go to bed!” [ she laughs ] Just kidding!
Kimberly Clemens: [ laughing ] He’s a dental assistant from Bridgeton, Maine — Fred Pollock!
Fred Pollack: I just want to say to all of Joanne’s students: “Don’t forget to FLOSS before you go to bed!” And I am NOT kidding! [ he laughs ]
Kimberly Clemens: And he’s a grad student and, coincidentally, the guy I’ve been seeing for the last six months — Ryan Mack!
Ryan Mack: [ waving meekly ] Oh, hey. You never told me you hosted a game show.
Kimberly Clemens: Actually, I did. [ Ryan shrugs ] Okay! This first question is for Joanne! Joanne… [ balloons appear on monitor ] What is this?
Joanne Templeton: Um… those are balloons.
[ ding! ]
Kimberly Clemens: Correct! No wonder you’re a teacher! Okay, Fred, you’re up! [ a cow appears on the monitor ] What is this?
Fred Pollack: Those are cows!
Kimberly Clemens: Oh. Well, we were looking for a cow, but… we’ll take it! [ ding! ] Okay! Ryan, it’s your turn, are you ready?
Ryan Mack: Yep! I feel like I’ve GOT this!
Kimberly Clemens: Great. Ryan… what is this?
[ the monitor remains unchanged with the show logo ]
Ryan Mack: [ shrugging ] What is what? There’s no picture.
Kimberly Clemens: No. I mean, like this. [ indicating their relationship ] What is this?
Ryan Mack: [ confused ] This what?
Kimberly Clemens: Thing we’ve been doing. We’ve been seeing each other for six months. What is this?
Ryan Mack: I don’t think I’m ready to answer that, babe.
Kimberly Clemens: Why not? It’s not like we’re seeing anyone else?
Ryan Mack: We’re not?
[ buzz! ]
Kimberly Clemens: That is WRONG! Okay, Round 2! Joanne… what is this? [ a tree appears on the monitor ]
Joanne Templeton: Um… that’s a tree!
[ ding! ]
Kimberly Clemens: Great, Joanne! Brad… what is this? [ a quarter-moon appears on the monitor ]
Danielle Flora Biden’s RoomSummary: After President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) takes credit for his stance on gay marriage, Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis) confides in bosom buddy George W. Bush (Will Ferrell).
Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Joe Biden, George W. Bush.
Stay Free Maxi Pads Ladies Long Drive Championship 1994Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis), Greg Stink (Will Forte), and sideline reporter Randy Feather (Will Ferrell) keep the Stay Free Maxi Pad sponsorship coming in lieu of focusing on golf match between Virginia Sacramento (Kristen Wiig) and Greta “Cuckoo Clock” Kukendorf (Vanessa Bayer).
Stay Free Maxi Pads Ladies Long Drive Championship 1994
Pete Twinkle…..Jason Sudeikis Greg Stink…..Will Forte Virginia Sacramento…..Kristen Wiig Greta “Cuckoo Clock” Kukendorf…..Vanessa Bayer Assistant…..Michael Patrick O’Brien Randy Feather…..Will Ferrell Make-up Artist…..Abby Elliott
Announcer: You’re watching ESPN Classic!
Pete Twinkle V/O: Well, if you like heavy-hitting lady golf action, you can pop the batteries right out of that remote! Welcome to the Ladies Long Drive Championship… sponsored by Stay Free Maxi Pads! And today we’ve got some powerhouse hitters, featuring fan favorite Virginia Sacramento! And the Swiss sensation Greta “Cuckoo Clock” Kukendorf!
[ dissolve to Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the desk ]
Pete Twinkle: Good afternoon! It is 12:09 in the P.M. on June 17th, 1994! I’m Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me, providing GREAT color commentary — and man, oh, man, does this guy love to grow his own vegetables! It’s Greg Stink!
Greg Stink: Thanks, best friend!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Alright, now, Greg, it looks to me like you haven’t shaved in a while.
Greg Stink: Yeah, I’ve been going through some stuff lately…
Pete Twinkle: Ohhhhhh, I’m sorry to hear that, buddy. What kind of stuff you going through?
Greg Stink: Oh, you know, just some old boxes.
Pete Twinkle: Hmm?
Greg Stink: Doing some Spring cleaning — haven’t had a chance to shave!
Pete Twinkle: Oh, okay, good! I thought you were gonna say that your wife had left you.
Greg Stink: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah — she did!
Pete Twinkle: Oh! Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that, buddy! [ Greg laughs ] Okay! Yeah, alright. Hey! A quick shout-out to our sponsor: Stay Free Maxi Pads! When you have your monthly boo-boo, pull one of these near your hoo-hoo! Stay Free Maxi Pads! Alright, why don’t we meet our first competitor? It’s two-time champion — Virginia Sacramento![ cut to Virginia lying on the green lining up her tee ]
Pete Twinkle: Now, it looks like she’s deciding where to put that tee. huh? Okay, now, Greg, I gotta ask you: How important is the placement?
Greg Stink: Oh, it’s very important…
Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm?
Greg Stink: I mean, she’s gonna want to stick that pad right on the inside of her underpanties…
Pete Twinkle: Okay…
Greg Stink: She’ll line it up in her privates, and then she can just, you know… let ‘er rip!
Pete Twinkle: Oh, no, no, no, Greg! I’m sorry! No, I’m sorry about that, that’s my fault! I’m not talking about the placement of a fine product like Stay Free Maxi Pads — we’re talking about the placement of BALLS!
Greg Stink: Oh! Well, I’ve NEVER wanted to second-guess The Lord!
Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm?
Greg Stink: I think he placed the balls RIGHT where they’re SUPPOSED to be!
Pete Twinkle: Okay!
Greg Stink: And that’s good enough for me!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Ah, you know what? Me, too! Hey, you know what’s good enough for everyone? Stay Free Maxi Pads! It’s the downstairs hatch, for your baby hatch! Stay Free Maxi Pads! [ a note is handed to him ] Oh! Alright, we’re getting soem breaking news. Once again — it’s 1994! Uh — I’m hearing that O.J. Simpson is currently being chased by the LAPD down the 405 Freeway. We go to a shot now… [ cut to chase footage ] And you can se that’s his Bronco — that shot is live — he is reportedly heading to his home in Brentwood. Okay — well, we have L.A. correspondent Randy Feather covering the action. We go now to O.J. Simpson’s house — live!
[ cut to Randy Feather standing casually outside of O.J. Simpson’s house in Brentwood with his assistant ]
Randy Feather: Hey, everybody… I’m sorry I’m late. How long before we’re on the air? [ the assistant shrugs ] Really? Okay. I could use a little time to sober up. [ he sips from a flask ]
Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay, well, it doesn’t look like Randy’s quite ready yet. We’ll check back with him a minute. Let’s get back to the action, though. Let’s see… Sacramento is ready to swing! Here she goes! [ Virginia Sacramento makes a wild swing ] Oh, boy! And she CRUSHED it! Whoo! Look at that! She is happy! She is loving that! Look at that! Oh, man! Whoo! Look at her go! Greg, I gotta ask you: Have you EVER seen a woman hit ANYTHING that hard?
Greg Stink: Ohhhh, yeah!
Pete Twinkle: Yeah? Well… do you remember who?
Greg Stink: Nooo!
Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay. Alright, that’s okay. Oh, oh, oh! I’m being told that we’re going back to Randy Feather! Randy, what have you got for us?
[ cut to Randy Feather being prepped by his make-up artist ]
Randy Feather: [ on his large cellphone ] I’ll tell you exactly how big!
Pete Twinkle: Randy?
Randy Feather: Four inches.
Pete Twinkle: Randy? Can you hear me?
Randy Feather: Oh, round? Oh, I’d probably say… like a McDonald’s straw.
Pete Twinkle: Randy!
Randy Feather: What’s that? Oh, it’s a FOREST out there! [ he laughs ]
Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay, so, uh — so Randy’s still not ready.
Greg Stink: RANDYYYYY!!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] No, no, no! It’s alright! We’re alright! Hey, you know what’s always ready, though? Stay Free Maxi Pads! I see London, I see China… I see one very happy vagina! Stay Free Maxi Pads! Well, it looks like Kukendorf is warming up! [ show Kukendorf with her golf club behind her back ] Now, Greg… you can tell she’s got that lower body injury, she’s clearly not at 100%. You know, how is that going to affect her today?
Greg Stink: Well, it all depends on how much under 100% she is.
Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm.
Greg Stink: Is she 99%?
Pete Twinkle: Okay.
Greg Stink: 98%?
Pete Twinkle: Right.
Greg Stink: 97%?
Pete Twinkle: Right.
Greg Stink: 98%?
Pete Twinkle: Whoa, wait — you went back up there, buddy.
Greg Stink: 96%?
Pete Twinkle: There you go! Alright, just hold that thought there for me, will you?
Greg Stink: Okay. [ he holds his hand up to his head ]
Pete Twinkle: Okay, we got, uh — [ staring at Greg ] Oh, man. Okay, now, it looks like we’re going back to Randy Feather in front of O.J. Simpson’s house. It’s 1994! Randy?
[ cut to Randy Feather still having make-up applied ]
Randy Feather: You know, I used to be a stripper. I know! I know! With this body? I used to be WAY fatter back then. Like a hundred pounds fatter.
Pete Twinkle: Hey, Randy, can you hear me?
Randy Feather: But it was too much stress on my back, so… I lost weight and got a butt reduction. And then I went into broadcasting. Can I just kiss one of your eyes?
[ she shakes her head No ]
Pete Twinkle: Okay! Okay, sorry about that, folks! I don’t — I-I don’t know what’s going on!
Greg Stink: Well, he can’t hear us!
Pete Twinkle: Okay, thank you! Thank you, Greg! [ laughing ] Greg Stink! There’s not a FINER person! And, hey — there’s not a FINER product than Stay Free MAxi Pads! When your uterine lining, looks like the elevator from “The Shining”! [ extended hold ] Stay Free Maxi Pads! Alright, back to the action! Kukendorf is at the tee! Here we go! Let’s see what happens! [ she taps the ball lightly but sends it flying ] Oh, look at that! No back swing necessary, she CRUSHED it! Okay, look at that! Holy smokes! Alright, okay — I’m a little worried to do this, but we’re going back to Radndy. Randy?
[ cut to Randy Feathers, alone ]
Randy Feather: Yes, Pete?
Pete Twinkle: Okay, great! We got him! Good! Okay, great! Okay, Randy, can you tell us what you know?
Randy Feather: Well, Pete… at this point, not much. Except the Juice is loose!
Pete Twinkle: Hey! Speaking of LOOSE JUICE — Stay Free Maxi Pads! We’ll be right back!
Will Ferrell: Thank you! Thank you. Thank you, thank you. I don;t know what you said, but I hope it’s positive! Thank you, it’s so exciting to be BACK HOME at “SNL” in New York City! New York City! The city by the bay! It’s especially exciting because, in about 23 minutes here, it will be Mother’s Day, and, uh… and I know what I’m about to say might stir up some controversy, but here goes: I love my mom! There. There you go, TMZ. That one’s for you. And — guess what? My mom is actually HERE with me tonight. Uh — Mom?
[ he steps down to pull her up on stage from the front row, as the audience cheers wildly ]
My mom! Now… I’m not so great with words. Um… a lot of other people write what I say. And, Mom…I don’t know if you remember last Thanksgiving, when I gave that dramatic speech about Cousin Paul… and you said it saved the family and brought us all together? That was scripted. There was literally a team of writers in the kitchen, feeding me lines through an earpiece… and I feel horribly about it. Uh… so, tonight, for the first time, I’m going to speak straight from my heart. Okay? Okay? No script, no cue cards. Just… just love for my mom. So… Wally, lower the cards.
[ reveal Wally the cue card guy, holding a cue card that reads: “Wally, lower the cue cards!” ]
Will Ferrell: Go ahead. [ Wally doesn’t move ] Yes! Lower them! No! Wait… this is damn scary… Yeah! Lower the cards. Yeah. Lower the cards. It’s fine. Yeah.
[ wally finally lower the cue cards ]
Will Ferrell: [ sighing ] Tonight… I tell my mother that I love her… with my own words.
[ piano music comes up, as the lights go down ]
Mom… the words I am saying now are my words… from my brain place.. to my mouth hole. Mom, I have love. I love… I love the way that you be. You be a big ol’ mommy. No, wait — hold on. You went to a hospital building, right? A long time ago… and strange men pulled me out of your lady parts. Wait! That’s bad! That’s bad. God! Why is this so hard? Is it the piano? It’s the piano, isn’t it? The piano player is awful! I’m sorry about that, Mom. He’s terrible! You know what? I’m just gonna… I’m just gonna think about all the things… you did for me… Mom person. You made milk for me… like the lady from the cover of the Time magazine. Mom… what I’m trying to say is that I want to celebrate you. There! THat’s what I’m trying to say. I want to cover you… in Super Glue… and roll you in flowers? That’s not bad. Right? Okay, I got it! This is perfect! If you were attacked by a dozen ninjas, wearing… crotchless panties… I would fight them. I would fight them hard. There! I did it! The perfect Mother’s Day speech! It’s perfect! [ the audience cheers ] That was not easy. It was not easy. But I want to say one last thing, Mom: I love you so much, Happpy Mother’s Day.
[ he kisses her ]
Will Ferrell: We have a great show! Usher is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!