Category: 2011

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 21

11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

Biden’s Room

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Aide…..Taran Killam
Joseph Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

[ open on exterior, White House, night ]

[ dissolve to interior hall outside of Vice-President Joe Biden’s room, a sign that reads “NO PRESIDENTS ALLOWED” taped to the door ]

President Barack Obama: Vice-President Biden’s still in there?

Aide: Yes, Mr. President.

President Barack Obama: [ calling ] Joe! It’s ME — Barack! [ he bangs on the door ] Can I come in?

Voice of Joe Biden: You mean “President JERK FACE?!”

President Barack Obama: [ he sighs ] I’m coming in, Joe.

[ Obama opens the door and enters the room to find Biden sitting on his bed in front of an electric train table set ]

President Barack Obama: [ sitting ] Joe… you’ve been locked inside your room all day. What’s wrong?

Joe Biden: What’s wrong?! Are you SERIOUS?! [ he stands ] Do you really not GET IT?!!

President Barack Obama: Does this have something to do with the whole, uh, gay marriage thing?

Joe Biden: Uh — DOYYYYYY!! It’s not FAIR, okay?! I was the first one who said it should be legal, but now YOU’RE the one getting all the credit!!

President Barack Obama: That’s not true.

Joe Biden: Oh! [ he gasps ] Oh, yeah?! Oh, really?! Then, why are you all dressed up?!

President Barack Obama: [ relunctant ] I’m going to a gala with Lady Gaga and Elton John.

Joe Biden: Awwwww!! See?!! That should be ME!! Vice-Presidents never get to go ANYWHERE!! [ he dives belly down onto his single bed ]

President Barack Obama: Joe, come on! You should be proud of what you did on “Meet The Press”. You’re a… you’re a great vice-president, Joe.

Joe Biden: [ sitting up ] Oh? Well, some people say I’d make a great president! Alright? Better than YOU, even!

President Barack Obama: Hey, who says that, Joe?

Joe Biden: George!

President Barack Obama: Are we gonna talk about your imaginary friend again, Joe?

Joe Biden: He’s NOT imaginary!! He’s REAL!!

President Barack Obama: Joe, uh, we have one more campaign to get through, and I need to know: Can I count on you?

Joe Biden: [ whispering ] Yes.

President Barack Obama: I can’t hear you.

Joe Biden: [ annoyed ] Yeeeessss!! [ he flops backward on his bed ]

President Barack Obama: Alright. [ he stands and grabs a plate with a half-eaten sandwich on it ] Can I take your plate now?

Joe Biden: NO!! No! George likes to finish what I don’t eat.

President Barack Obama: Alright. [ he opens the door ] Well… if you get hungry later, I left $20 on the counter so you can order yourself a pizza.

Joe Biden: Yeah. Okay. Maybe I WILL!

[ Obama exits ]

Joe Biden: Maybe I’ll just keep the twenty. [ calling out ] Okay, he’s gone! You can come out, George!

[ the closet door opens, and former president George W. Bush. exits with a couple of beers in hand ]

George W. Bush: Whew! That was close! [ he sits next to Biden on the bed ] That guy’s a real BUZZ KILL!

Joe Biden: [ laughing ] Yeah!

George W. Bush: You want an O’Doul’s?

Joe Biden: [ excited ] Sure! Yeah, yeah! [ he grabs the plate ] Hey — here’s the rest of my sandwich.

George W. Bush: Mucho! Mucho gracias!

Joe Biden: Yeah!

George W. Bush: I heard about that pizza, too — that’s gonna be sweet!

Joe Biden: Yeah! You know, everyone thinks you’re a FIGMENT of my imagination.

George W. Bush: Well… for some people, that’s just easier than accepting the TRUTH.

Joe Biden: Yeah. Yeah. Which is?

George W. Bush: That on my last day in office, I saw a butterfly and I chased it through the hallways…

Joe Biden: Yeah?

George W. Bush: I got lost, and I’ve been stuck here living in your closet for the past three-and-a-half years. BUt let me promise you one thing: I will not REST… until that butterfly is dead!

Joe Biden: Yeah!

[ they sip their beers ]

George W. Bush: Mmm. Now, what’s wrong, compadre? You seem down.

Joe Biden: Well, everybody says I have, like, a big mouth!

George W. Bush: Yeah?

Joe Biden: Well… it’s MY big mouth that got things done this time! Okay? Not his [ mimicking ] “careful weighing of options”!

George W. Bush: Heck! Those… those smartypants types are never going to understand speak-first guys like us.

Joe Biden: Exactly!

George W. Bush: Yeah, you know, they’re all brains.

Joe Biden: Yeah.

George W. Bush: You and me? We’re all gut and balls.

Joe Biden: Yeah!

George W. Bush: Yeah.

Joe Biden: Yeah!

George W. Bush: Every decision I ever made happened between my belly button and the middle of my thighs.

Joe Biden: Yeah! Yeah, I’m just so SICK of the way presidents are always riding me. I mean, I’m an ADULT!

George W. Bush: Hey, I’ve been there! I’ve been there! I used to catch grief all the time from President Cheney.

Joe Biden: Mmm-hmm.

George W. Bush: I’d be in the Oval Office hooking up the Slurpee machine, settling into a “Charles in Charge” marathon…

Joe Biden: Yeah! Uh-huh!

George W. Bush: And then that penguin would come waddling in and yell, “Get your damn pants on, we’re going to bomb blabbity-blah-blah-blah!” I mean, it’s like… whatever happened to being a kid?

Joe Biden: Exactly! Yeah, politics isn’t fair.

George W. Bush: No sir. Well… [ breathes deeply ] mission accomplished.

Joe Biden: What’s that supposed to mean?

George W. Bush: It’s just something I like to say when a problem isn’t solved… but I don’t want to talk about it any more.

Joe Biden: Well, thanks for being a pal!

George W. Bush: Hey! [ they clink beer cans ] You know, I can’t help but to think if you had been my Vice, we would have burned this city to the ground!

Joe Biden: [ laughing ] Literally, or figuratively?

George W. Bush: What’s the one where there’s a real fire?

Joe Biden: [ laughing ] Oh, you crazy son of a gun!

George W. Bush: [ standing ] Now, uh… now, let’s fidn that butterfly and bring it to justice. Where do you keep your shotgun?

Joe Biden: Well, I don’t have a shotgun.

George W. Bush: Well, what kind of Vice-President are you?

[ they crack up laughing ]

Joe Biden: Dick!

George W. Bush: Come on, let’s go.

Joe Biden: Okay. Wait, wait, hey — aren’t you forgetting something?

George W. Bush: Oh, right. I’m so rusty, I almost forgot. “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 21

11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

Stay Free Maxi Pads Ladies Long Drive Championship 1994

Pete Twinkle…..Jason Sudeikis
Greg Stink…..Will Forte
Virginia Sacramento…..Kristen Wiig
Greta “Cuckoo Clock” Kukendorf…..Vanessa Bayer
Assistant…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
Randy Feather…..Will Ferrell
Make-up Artist…..Abby Elliott

Announcer: You’re watching ESPN Classic!

Pete Twinkle V/O: Well, if you like heavy-hitting lady golf action, you can pop the batteries right out of that remote! Welcome to the Ladies Long Drive Championship… sponsored by Stay Free Maxi Pads! And today we’ve got some powerhouse hitters, featuring fan favorite Virginia Sacramento! And the Swiss sensation Greta “Cuckoo Clock” Kukendorf!

[ dissolve to Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the desk ]

Pete Twinkle: Good afternoon! It is 12:09 in the P.M. on June 17th, 1994! I’m Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me, providing GREAT color commentary — and man, oh, man, does this guy love to grow his own vegetables! It’s Greg Stink!

Greg Stink: Thanks, best friend!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Alright, now, Greg, it looks to me like you haven’t shaved in a while.

Greg Stink: Yeah, I’ve been going through some stuff lately…

Pete Twinkle: Ohhhhhh, I’m sorry to hear that, buddy. What kind of stuff you going through?

Greg Stink: Oh, you know, just some old boxes.

Pete Twinkle: Hmm?

Greg Stink: Doing some Spring cleaning — haven’t had a chance to shave!

Pete Twinkle: Oh, okay, good! I thought you were gonna say that your wife had left you.

Greg Stink: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah — she did!

Pete Twinkle: Oh! Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that, buddy! [ Greg laughs ] Okay! Yeah, alright. Hey! A quick shout-out to our sponsor: Stay Free Maxi Pads! When you have your monthly boo-boo, pull one of these near your hoo-hoo! Stay Free Maxi Pads! Alright, why don’t we meet our first competitor? It’s two-time champion — Virginia Sacramento![ cut to Virginia lying on the green lining up her tee ]

Pete Twinkle: Now, it looks like she’s deciding where to put that tee. huh? Okay, now, Greg, I gotta ask you: How important is the placement?

Greg Stink: Oh, it’s very important…

Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm?

Greg Stink: I mean, she’s gonna want to stick that pad right on the inside of her underpanties…

Pete Twinkle: Okay…

Greg Stink: She’ll line it up in her privates, and then she can just, you know… let ‘er rip!

Pete Twinkle: Oh, no, no, no, Greg! I’m sorry! No, I’m sorry about that, that’s my fault! I’m not talking about the placement of a fine product like Stay Free Maxi Pads — we’re talking about the placement of BALLS!

Greg Stink: Oh! Well, I’ve NEVER wanted to second-guess The Lord!

Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm?

Greg Stink: I think he placed the balls RIGHT where they’re SUPPOSED to be!

Pete Twinkle: Okay!

Greg Stink: And that’s good enough for me!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Ah, you know what? Me, too! Hey, you know what’s good enough for everyone? Stay Free Maxi Pads! It’s the downstairs hatch, for your baby hatch! Stay Free Maxi Pads! [ a note is handed to him ] Oh! Alright, we’re getting soem breaking news. Once again — it’s 1994! Uh — I’m hearing that O.J. Simpson is currently being chased by the LAPD down the 405 Freeway. We go to a shot now… [ cut to chase footage ] And you can se that’s his Bronco — that shot is live — he is reportedly heading to his home in Brentwood. Okay — well, we have L.A. correspondent Randy Feather covering the action. We go now to O.J. Simpson’s house — live!

[ cut to Randy Feather standing casually outside of O.J. Simpson’s house in Brentwood with his assistant ]

Randy Feather: Hey, everybody… I’m sorry I’m late. How long before we’re on the air? [ the assistant shrugs ] Really? Okay. I could use a little time to sober up. [ he sips from a flask ]

Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay, well, it doesn’t look like Randy’s quite ready yet. We’ll check back with him a minute. Let’s get back to the action, though. Let’s see… Sacramento is ready to swing! Here she goes! [ Virginia Sacramento makes a wild swing ] Oh, boy! And she CRUSHED it! Whoo! Look at that! She is happy! She is loving that! Look at that! Oh, man! Whoo! Look at her go! Greg, I gotta ask you: Have you EVER seen a woman hit ANYTHING that hard?

Greg Stink: Ohhhh, yeah!

Pete Twinkle: Yeah? Well… do you remember who?

Greg Stink: Nooo!

Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay. Alright, that’s okay. Oh, oh, oh! I’m being told that we’re going back to Randy Feather! Randy, what have you got for us?

[ cut to Randy Feather being prepped by his make-up artist ]

Randy Feather: [ on his large cellphone ] I’ll tell you exactly how big!

Pete Twinkle: Randy?

Randy Feather: Four inches.

Pete Twinkle: Randy? Can you hear me?

Randy Feather: Oh, round? Oh, I’d probably say… like a McDonald’s straw.

Pete Twinkle: Randy!

Randy Feather: What’s that? Oh, it’s a FOREST out there! [ he laughs ]

Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay, so, uh — so Randy’s still not ready.

Greg Stink: RANDYYYYY!!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] No, no, no! It’s alright! We’re alright! Hey, you know what’s always ready, though? Stay Free Maxi Pads! I see London, I see China… I see one very happy vagina! Stay Free Maxi Pads! Well, it looks like Kukendorf is warming up! [ show Kukendorf with her golf club behind her back ] Now, Greg… you can tell she’s got that lower body injury, she’s clearly not at 100%. You know, how is that going to affect her today?

Greg Stink: Well, it all depends on how much under 100% she is.

Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm.

Greg Stink: Is she 99%?

Pete Twinkle: Okay.

Greg Stink: 98%?

Pete Twinkle: Right.

Greg Stink: 97%?

Pete Twinkle: Right.

Greg Stink: 98%?

Pete Twinkle: Whoa, wait — you went back up there, buddy.

Greg Stink: 96%?

Pete Twinkle: There you go! Alright, just hold that thought there for me, will you?

Greg Stink: Okay. [ he holds his hand up to his head ]

Pete Twinkle: Okay, we got, uh — [ staring at Greg ] Oh, man. Okay, now, it looks like we’re going back to Randy Feather in front of O.J. Simpson’s house. It’s 1994! Randy?

[ cut to Randy Feather still having make-up applied ]

Randy Feather: You know, I used to be a stripper. I know! I know! With this body? I used to be WAY fatter back then. Like a hundred pounds fatter.

Pete Twinkle: Hey, Randy, can you hear me?

Randy Feather: But it was too much stress on my back, so… I lost weight and got a butt reduction. And then I went into broadcasting. Can I just kiss one of your eyes?

[ she shakes her head No ]

Pete Twinkle: Okay! Okay, sorry about that, folks! I don’t — I-I don’t know what’s going on!

Greg Stink: Well, he can’t hear us!

Pete Twinkle: Okay, thank you! Thank you, Greg! [ laughing ] Greg Stink! There’s not a FINER person! And, hey — there’s not a FINER product than Stay Free MAxi Pads! When your uterine lining, looks like the elevator from “The Shining”! [ extended hold ] Stay Free Maxi Pads! Alright, back to the action! Kukendorf is at the tee! Here we go! Let’s see what happens! [ she taps the ball lightly but sends it flying ] Oh, look at that! No back swing necessary, she CRUSHED it! Okay, look at that! Holy smokes! Alright, okay — I’m a little worried to do this, but we’re going back to Radndy. Randy?

[ cut to Randy Feathers, alone ]

Randy Feather: Yes, Pete?

Pete Twinkle: Okay, great! We got him! Good! Okay, great! Okay, Randy, can you tell us what you know?

Randy Feather: Well, Pete… at this point, not much. Except the Juice is loose!

Pete Twinkle: Hey! Speaking of LOOSE JUICE — Stay Free Maxi Pads! We’ll be right back!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 21

11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

Goodnights

…..Will Ferrell
….Usher

Will Ferrell: Thanks to… my mom… To Usher…

Usher: Hey, Mom! Hapy Mother’s Day!

Will Ferrell: Will Forte. Ana Gasteyer. Liam Neeson…

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 21

11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

Will Ferrell’s Monologue

…..Will Ferrell
…..Kay Ferrell
…..Wally Feresten

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Will Ferrell!

Will Ferrell: Thank you! Thank you. Thank you, thank you. I don;t know what you said, but I hope it’s positive! Thank you, it’s so exciting to be BACK HOME at “SNL” in New York City! New York City! The city by the bay! It’s especially exciting because, in about 23 minutes here, it will be Mother’s Day, and, uh… and I know what I’m about to say might stir up some controversy, but here goes: I love my mom! There. There you go, TMZ. That one’s for you. And — guess what? My mom is actually HERE with me tonight. Uh — Mom?

[ he steps down to pull her up on stage from the front row, as the audience cheers wildly ]

My mom! Now… I’m not so great with words. Um… a lot of other people write what I say. And, Mom…I don’t know if you remember last Thanksgiving, when I gave that dramatic speech about Cousin Paul… and you said it saved the family and brought us all together? That was scripted. There was literally a team of writers in the kitchen, feeding me lines through an earpiece… and I feel horribly about it. Uh… so, tonight, for the first time, I’m going to speak straight from my heart. Okay? Okay? No script, no cue cards. Just… just love for my mom. So… Wally, lower the cards.

[ reveal Wally the cue card guy, holding a cue card that reads: “Wally, lower the cue cards!” ]

Will Ferrell: Go ahead. [ Wally doesn’t move ] Yes! Lower them! No! Wait… this is damn scary… Yeah! Lower the cards. Yeah. Lower the cards. It’s fine. Yeah.

[ wally finally lower the cue cards ]

Will Ferrell: [ sighing ] Tonight… I tell my mother that I love her… with my own words.

[ piano music comes up, as the lights go down ]

Mom… the words I am saying now are my words… from my brain place.. to my mouth hole. Mom, I have love. I love… I love the way that you be. You be a big ol’ mommy. No, wait — hold on. You went to a hospital building, right? A long time ago… and strange men pulled me out of your lady parts. Wait! That’s bad! That’s bad. God! Why is this so hard? Is it the piano? It’s the piano, isn’t it? The piano player is awful! I’m sorry about that, Mom. He’s terrible! You know what? I’m just gonna… I’m just gonna think about all the things… you did for me… Mom person. You made milk for me… like the lady from the cover of the Time magazine. Mom… what I’m trying to say is that I want to celebrate you. There! THat’s what I’m trying to say. I want to cover you… in Super Glue… and roll you in flowers? That’s not bad. Right? Okay, I got it! This is perfect! If you were attacked by a dozen ninjas, wearing… crotchless panties… I would fight them. I would fight them hard. There! I did it! The perfect Mother’s Day speech! It’s perfect! [ the audience cheers ] That was not easy. It was not easy. But I want to say one last thing, Mom: I love you so much, Happpy Mother’s Day.

[ he kisses her ]

Will Ferrell: We have a great show! Usher is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 21

11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

One-A-Day Extra Strength Nasaflu

Wife…..Kristen Wiig
Gary…..Will Ferrell

[ open on married couple sitting in bed; she is blowing her nose ]

Wife: My husband and I have been feeling a little under the weather. Por Gary has been sneezing all day. [ Gary nods ] But with four kids, a good night’s sleep is essential. That’s why we need a cold medicine that —

[ Gary breaks into a sneeze that erupts as a yell ]

Wife: [ startled ] That’s why we need a cold medicine that works… and works fast! Many leading —

[ Gary again breaks into a sneeze that erupts as a yell ]

[ she catches her breath once more ]

[ cut to exterior hallway, as she starts over with Gary still in bed ]

Wife: As I was saying… With our busy lives, we can’t wait 48 hours for symptom relief —

[ as she walks down the hall, Gary appears in an alcove and yell-sneezes once again ]

Wife: GARY!! That sneeze is OUTRAGEOUS!!

[ cut to Gary’s wife locking herself in the bathroom ]

Wife: That’s why our family always chooses the brand —

[ from the other side of the door, Gary yell-sneezes again ]

[ she thrusts the door open to reveal Gary standing there ]

Wife: You sound like a LUNATIC!! You’re just SCREAMING! It is UNREAL! Just sneeze like a NORMAL person!

[ she turns around, as Gary yell-sneezes again ]

Wife: FUCK!! Gary!! [ she turns to the camera and smiles ] We always choose the brand that has been relied on —

[ Gary yells-sneezes again, then four times more ]

Wife: [ continuing ] for years —

[ Gary yell-sneezes yet again ]

[ she turns around and bitch-slaps Gary several times ]

[ cut to Gary lying in bed, as his wife pours Nasaflu into a glass of water ]

Wife: So try new One-A-Day Extra Strength Nasaflu. And don’t get slowed down by a little sickness.

[ she drinks the medicine, but drops it all over herself when Gary yell-sneezes once more ]

[ cut to product close-up ]

Announcer: Nasaflu. For when you just —

[ the sound of Gary yell-sneezes erupts yet again, as the product flies off the nightstand ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:





Cameos:















Bit Players:


May 19th, 2012

Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger

Arcade Fire

Foo Fighters

Jeff Beck

Jon Hamm

Chris Parnell

Steve Martin

Lorne Michaels

Chris Kattan

Amy Poehler

Rachel Dratch

Will Forte

None
The Lawrence Welk ShowSummary:Lawrence Welk (Fred Armisen) welcomes the Spring season with a performance by Johnny Prosciutto (Jon Hamm), musical sisters Shirley (Abby Elliott), Nancy (Nasim Pedrad), Toni (Vanessa Bayer) and tiny-handed Dooneese (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk, Dooneese, Shirley, Nancy, Toni.

Montage

Mick Jagger’s MonologueSummary: Mick Jagger recites the frequently asked questions he receives from fans, and then provides the answer.

Transcript

Secret WordSummary: Mindy Gracin (Kristen Wiig) once again reveals word clues while acting overtheatrical, while closeted Chaz Bragman (Mick Jagger) is very clear about his true sexual orientation.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Gracin.

KaraokeSummary: At a karaoke bar, uptight insurance man Kevin Miller (Mick Jagger) can’t comprehend his co-workers’ inaccurate performances as Mick Jagger.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell rap about having mimosas for lunch and going to see “Sister Act” on Broadway, as they enjoy a “Lazy Sunday 2”.

Transcript

Politics NationSummary: Gaffe-prone Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) attempts to discuss Wall Street’s effect on the economy by discussing jobs with J.P. Morgan spokesman Colin McKechnie (Mick Jagger), Mayor Mike Bloomberg (Fred Armisen) and a cannery worker (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Al Sharpton, Mike Bloomberg.

Note: This sketch was cut from the Dress Rehearsal of last week’s episode hosted by Will Ferrell.

Mick Jagger with Arcade Fire performs “The Last Time”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: City corresponent Stefon (Bill Hader) lists more inappropriate travel destinations for families planning to visit New York City over the summer.

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

So You Think You Can Dance At An Outdoor Music FestivalSummary: Dave Matthews (Bill Hader) hosts a competition to see who can perform the best dance moves while at an outdoor music festival.

Recurring Characters: Dave Matthews, Carlos Santana, Jewel, Steven Tyler.

Mick Jagger with Foo Fighters performs “19th Nervous Breakdown” and “It’s Only Rock ‘n Roll”Lyrics

The CaliforniansSummary: Stuart (Fred Armisen) and his Californian clan continue to speak in overexaggerated valley accents and provide driving directions within every conservation, as hidden family secrets are revealed.

Recurring Characters: Devon, Corina, Stuart, Trey, Maid.

Mick Jagger and Jeff Beck perform “Tea Party”Lyrics

She’s a Rainbow / GoodnightsSummary: 7-year student Kristen Wiig graduates from SNL’s Class of 2012 and dances with her fellow cast members.

Transcript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts