SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Eli Manning’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20




















11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Eli Manning’s Monologue

…..Eli Manning
…..David Baas
…..David Diehl
…..Chris Snee
…..Shaun O’Hara
…..Abby McGrew
Audience Member #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Audience Member #2…..Bobby Moynihan
Audience Member #3…..Kate McKinnon
Audience Member #4…..Bill Hader
Audience Member #5…..Kenan Thompson
Audience Member #6…..Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Eli Manning!

Eli Manning: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! After TWO Super Bowls… this is definitely the THIRD most exciting night of my life! The New York fans have been GREAT to us! We had a big parade downtown, where we took the Lombardi trophy to the heart of the city — and now we have no idea where it is!

I’m a little out of my element, but I have some guys here who ALWAYS have my back — my offensive line. [ reveal David Baas, David Diehl, Chris Snee, and Shaun O’Hara in the balcony ] They go with me everywhere — parties, restaurants… they were even with me in the room with me and my wife, Abby, when our daughter was born. Wasn’t that great, honey? [ reveal Abby McGrew in the audience, laughing, but shaking her head No ]

You know — I grew up in New Orleans, went to school in Mississippi, but I gotta say, I finally feel like a REAL New Yorker! It took a few years… but now, I’m an expert. So if there are any tourists here tonight, I’d be glad to answer your questions. [ pointing ] Oh. Yes?

Audience Member #1: Yeah. My family and I were wondering: What’s the BEST place to get Italian food in New York City?

Eli Manning: Well… there’s a great place called The Olive Garden. You gotta go to New Jersey… but it’s worth it.

Audience Member #1: So… I have to go to New Jersey for New York pasta?

Eli Manning: Hey — I play for the New York Giants, and all my games are played in New Jersey. [ pointing ] Yes?

Audience Member #2: Hi. My wife and I thought we’d see a Broadway show?

Audience Member #3: Yeah, do you have any recommendations?

Eli Manning: “Cats”! You gotta see “Cats”! It’s cats… who can sing!

Audience Member #2: Is that even still playing?

Eli Manning: I don’t know. I saw the ad on TV when I was a kid. It was so great. You know what? Even if it’s not playing, do what I used to do — put the “Cats” soundtrack on your iPod, and then go to a pet store and look at some cats! It’s like you’re watching a bunch of singing cats! [ pointing ] How about you?

Audience Member #4: I want to explore a little. Is there a place I can do a walking tour?

Eli Manning: Absolutely! New York has so many GREAT neighborhoods: SoHo… NoHo… BeBo…J-Lo… Flo-Jo. You gotta explore them all!

Audience Member #4: [ confused ] Where is BeBo?

Eli Manning: [ shrugs ] Hey — fugetaboutit! Right? Fugetaboutit! [ pointing ] Yep?

Audience Member #5: Uh — what do you do in the city to just have fun?

Eli Manning: Oh, man… I’m glad you asked that! I do this ALL the time: Get some bulky shopping bags and three of the FATTEST kids I can find. Just big, husky kids. Then we all walk hand-in-hand next to each other in Times Square — slow as Hell! It’s SO fun! Last year, one of us got hit in the head with a brick! It was hilarious! [ looking around ] Anyone else? [ pointing ] Yeah?

Audience Member #6: I know a lot of celebrities live in the city. Any hot places to spot a famous person?

Eli Manning: Of course! I see famous people every day, because I stand in the audience outside “The Today Show”. Look at this:

[ reveal photo of Al Roker, Ann Curry and Matt Laurer standing outside, with Manning behind the barricade in a rainbow wig and holding a sign that reads “Quarterbacks do it in 2 minutes.” ]

Eli Manning: Look close! There’s me in the rainbow wig with a hilarious sign! It was SO cool! I got to be on LIVE TV! When will I do that again?

So that’s my New York! If you don’t like it… fugetaboutit! We’ve got a great show — Rihanna is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mick Jagger: 05/19/12: An SNL Digital Short



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22
























11v: Mick Jagger

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Chris Parnell

[ SUPER: “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ open on scenes of New York City ] [ SUPER: “Chris Parnell” ] [ SUPER: “Andy Samberg” ] [ SUPER: “Lazy Sunday 2” ] [ cut to Andy Samberg jumping out of bed ]

Andy Samberg:
“Lazy Sunday
Slept right through my alarm!
Activate Siri and say
‘Call Parn!'”

[ cut to Chris Parnell working out at the gym ]

Chris Parnell:
“Who dis?”

Andy Samberg:
“It’s me, man!”

Chris Parnell:
“Yo, Samberg, kick facts!”

Andy Samberg:
“Tonight is the night!”

Chris Parnell:
“Broadway!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Sister Act!”

Andy Samberg:
“The show’s not ’til later!”

Chris Parnell:
“Let’s merc some brunch!”

Andy Samberg:
“I know a cute French place!”

Chris Parnell:
“Meet me outside — Crunch!”

[ cut to Andy and Chris meeting on a city street ]

Chris Parnell:
“My core is ripped
That workout was trill!”

Andy Samberg:
“Man, I can almost taste
those mimosas for real!”

Chris Parnell:
“They’re makin’ changes at three
We’d better start jammin’!”

Andy Samberg:
“I love that brunch
more than McAdams loves Channing!”

[ image of Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum appears ] [ jump-cuts to Andy and Chris jumping off steps ]

Chris Parnell:
“Dub step!”

[ more jump-cuts of Andy and Chris jumping off steps ] [ cut to Andy and Chris at brunch ]

Chris Parnell:
“2:59!”

Andy Samberg:
“Made it on a technicality!”

Chris Parnell:
“Eggs benedict!”

Andy Samberg:
“No yolk!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Less calories!”

Chris Parnell:
“The plating is cray
I detect sage butter!”

Andy Samberg:
“How you wanna pay, Chris?”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Go Dutch, motherfucker!!”

[ cut to Andy and Chris roaming the streets ]

Andy Samberg:
“Go to Sister Act!”

Chris Parnell:
“Like a pistol whack!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Buck wild in the streets
Off a sixer pack!”

[ they hold up a six-pack of Tab ]

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“We go to Sister Act
Like we got racks on racks!
‘Cause once you buy ‘em
You can’t give your tickets back!”

Andy Samberg: Yo, hold up, hold up! Hey, yo, Chris — we’re gonna have to hit ‘em with some new mish for 2012, my dude! So why don’t you drop it on ‘em — like right now?

[ the rap styling shifts ]

Chris Parnell:
“Allow me to reintroduce myself
My name is Parns
P to A-arns
Stupid bargains
up at all the Pottery Barns!”

Andy Samberg:
“Young Sandwich and I came to catch reck
Still waitin’ on a fucking YouTube check
Don’t mess with Magnolia ’cause the line’s too long!”

Chris Parnell:
“Plus it bumps with my clip!”

Andy Samberg:
“Now back to the song!”

[ return to the older rap style ]

Chris Parnell:
“Yo, peep the marquee!”

Andy Samberg:
“They some funny ass nuns!”

Chris Parnell:
“We got 99 problems!

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“But this sitch ain’t one!”

Chris Parnell:
“Sneak in the flask
Filled with sweet Vermouth!”

Andy Samberg:
“We take more shots in the theater!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Than John Wilkes Booth!!”

Chris Parnell:
“Flip up binocs!”

Andy Samberg:
“‘Cause we’re cultural mavens!”

Chris Parnell:
“Like dem and we scream out:”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“That’s so Raven!!”

[ cut to Andy and Chris roaming the streets ]

Andy Samberg:
“Go to Sister Act!”

Chris Parnell:
“Like a pistol whack!”

Andy Samberg:
“All up in the theater!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Like aristocrats!”

Chris Parnell:
“We gonna Sister Act!”

Andy Samberg:
“Like we got racks on racks!”

Chris Parnell:
“‘Cause once you buy ’em!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“You can’t give your tickets back!”

Andy Samberg:
“On these New York streets
I honed my fake rap penmanship!”

Chris Parnell:
“That’s how it began!”

Andy Samberg:
“And that’s how I’m a finish it!”

[ Andy’s hand covers the camera lens, as a gunshot fires ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts