SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/12/12: Stay Free Maxi Pads Ladies Long Drive Championship 1994



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 21












11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

Stay Free Maxi Pads Ladies Long Drive Championship 1994

Pete Twinkle…..Jason Sudeikis
Greg Stink…..Will Forte
Virginia Sacramento…..Kristen Wiig
Greta “Cuckoo Clock” Kukendorf…..Vanessa Bayer
Assistant…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
Randy Feather…..Will Ferrell
Make-up Artist…..Abby Elliott

Announcer: You’re watching ESPN Classic!

Pete Twinkle V/O: Well, if you like heavy-hitting lady golf action, you can pop the batteries right out of that remote! Welcome to the Ladies Long Drive Championship… sponsored by Stay Free Maxi Pads! And today we’ve got some powerhouse hitters, featuring fan favorite Virginia Sacramento! And the Swiss sensation Greta “Cuckoo Clock” Kukendorf!

[ dissolve to Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the desk ]

Pete Twinkle: Good afternoon! It is 12:09 in the P.M. on June 17th, 1994! I’m Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me, providing GREAT color commentary — and man, oh, man, does this guy love to grow his own vegetables! It’s Greg Stink!

Greg Stink: Thanks, best friend!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Alright, now, Greg, it looks to me like you haven’t shaved in a while.

Greg Stink: Yeah, I’ve been going through some stuff lately…

Pete Twinkle: Ohhhhhh, I’m sorry to hear that, buddy. What kind of stuff you going through?

Greg Stink: Oh, you know, just some old boxes.

Pete Twinkle: Hmm?

Greg Stink: Doing some Spring cleaning — haven’t had a chance to shave!

Pete Twinkle: Oh, okay, good! I thought you were gonna say that your wife had left you.

Greg Stink: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah — she did!

Pete Twinkle: Oh! Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that, buddy! [ Greg laughs ] Okay! Yeah, alright. Hey! A quick shout-out to our sponsor: Stay Free Maxi Pads! When you have your monthly boo-boo, pull one of these near your hoo-hoo! Stay Free Maxi Pads! Alright, why don’t we meet our first competitor? It’s two-time champion — Virginia Sacramento![ cut to Virginia lying on the green lining up her tee ]

Pete Twinkle: Now, it looks like she’s deciding where to put that tee. huh? Okay, now, Greg, I gotta ask you: How important is the placement?

Greg Stink: Oh, it’s very important…

Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm?

Greg Stink: I mean, she’s gonna want to stick that pad right on the inside of her underpanties…

Pete Twinkle: Okay…

Greg Stink: She’ll line it up in her privates, and then she can just, you know… let ‘er rip!

Pete Twinkle: Oh, no, no, no, Greg! I’m sorry! No, I’m sorry about that, that’s my fault! I’m not talking about the placement of a fine product like Stay Free Maxi Pads — we’re talking about the placement of BALLS!

Greg Stink: Oh! Well, I’ve NEVER wanted to second-guess The Lord!

Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm?

Greg Stink: I think he placed the balls RIGHT where they’re SUPPOSED to be!

Pete Twinkle: Okay!

Greg Stink: And that’s good enough for me!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Ah, you know what? Me, too! Hey, you know what’s good enough for everyone? Stay Free Maxi Pads! It’s the downstairs hatch, for your baby hatch! Stay Free Maxi Pads! [ a note is handed to him ] Oh! Alright, we’re getting soem breaking news. Once again — it’s 1994! Uh — I’m hearing that O.J. Simpson is currently being chased by the LAPD down the 405 Freeway. We go to a shot now… [ cut to chase footage ] And you can se that’s his Bronco — that shot is live — he is reportedly heading to his home in Brentwood. Okay — well, we have L.A. correspondent Randy Feather covering the action. We go now to O.J. Simpson’s house — live!

[ cut to Randy Feather standing casually outside of O.J. Simpson’s house in Brentwood with his assistant ]

Randy Feather: Hey, everybody… I’m sorry I’m late. How long before we’re on the air? [ the assistant shrugs ] Really? Okay. I could use a little time to sober up. [ he sips from a flask ]

Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay, well, it doesn’t look like Randy’s quite ready yet. We’ll check back with him a minute. Let’s get back to the action, though. Let’s see… Sacramento is ready to swing! Here she goes! [ Virginia Sacramento makes a wild swing ] Oh, boy! And she CRUSHED it! Whoo! Look at that! She is happy! She is loving that! Look at that! Oh, man! Whoo! Look at her go! Greg, I gotta ask you: Have you EVER seen a woman hit ANYTHING that hard?

Greg Stink: Ohhhh, yeah!

Pete Twinkle: Yeah? Well… do you remember who?

Greg Stink: Nooo!

Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay. Alright, that’s okay. Oh, oh, oh! I’m being told that we’re going back to Randy Feather! Randy, what have you got for us?

[ cut to Randy Feather being prepped by his make-up artist ]

Randy Feather: [ on his large cellphone ] I’ll tell you exactly how big!

Pete Twinkle: Randy?

Randy Feather: Four inches.

Pete Twinkle: Randy? Can you hear me?

Randy Feather: Oh, round? Oh, I’d probably say… like a McDonald’s straw.

Pete Twinkle: Randy!

Randy Feather: What’s that? Oh, it’s a FOREST out there! [ he laughs ]

Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay, so, uh — so Randy’s still not ready.

Greg Stink: RANDYYYYY!!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] No, no, no! It’s alright! We’re alright! Hey, you know what’s always ready, though? Stay Free Maxi Pads! I see London, I see China… I see one very happy vagina! Stay Free Maxi Pads! Well, it looks like Kukendorf is warming up! [ show Kukendorf with her golf club behind her back ] Now, Greg… you can tell she’s got that lower body injury, she’s clearly not at 100%. You know, how is that going to affect her today?

Greg Stink: Well, it all depends on how much under 100% she is.

Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm.

Greg Stink: Is she 99%?

Pete Twinkle: Okay.

Greg Stink: 98%?

Pete Twinkle: Right.

Greg Stink: 97%?

Pete Twinkle: Right.

Greg Stink: 98%?

Pete Twinkle: Whoa, wait — you went back up there, buddy.

Greg Stink: 96%?

Pete Twinkle: There you go! Alright, just hold that thought there for me, will you?

Greg Stink: Okay. [ he holds his hand up to his head ]

Pete Twinkle: Okay, we got, uh — [ staring at Greg ] Oh, man. Okay, now, it looks like we’re going back to Randy Feather in front of O.J. Simpson’s house. It’s 1994! Randy?

[ cut to Randy Feather still having make-up applied ]

Randy Feather: You know, I used to be a stripper. I know! I know! With this body? I used to be WAY fatter back then. Like a hundred pounds fatter.

Pete Twinkle: Hey, Randy, can you hear me?

Randy Feather: But it was too much stress on my back, so… I lost weight and got a butt reduction. And then I went into broadcasting. Can I just kiss one of your eyes?

[ she shakes her head No ]

Pete Twinkle: Okay! Okay, sorry about that, folks! I don’t — I-I don’t know what’s going on!

Greg Stink: Well, he can’t hear us!

Pete Twinkle: Okay, thank you! Thank you, Greg! [ laughing ] Greg Stink! There’s not a FINER person! And, hey — there’s not a FINER product than Stay Free MAxi Pads! When your uterine lining, looks like the elevator from “The Shining”! [ extended hold ] Stay Free Maxi Pads! Alright, back to the action! Kukendorf is at the tee! Here we go! Let’s see what happens! [ she taps the ball lightly but sends it flying ] Oh, look at that! No back swing necessary, she CRUSHED it! Okay, look at that! Holy smokes! Alright, okay — I’m a little worried to do this, but we’re going back to Radndy. Randy?

[ cut to Randy Feathers, alone ]

Randy Feather: Yes, Pete?

Pete Twinkle: Okay, great! We got him! Good! Okay, great! Okay, Randy, can you tell us what you know?

Randy Feather: Well, Pete… at this point, not much. Except the Juice is loose!

Pete Twinkle: Hey! Speaking of LOOSE JUICE — Stay Free Maxi Pads! We’ll be right back!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/12/12: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 21




11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

Goodnights

…..Will Ferrell
….Usher

Will Ferrell: Thanks to… my mom… To Usher…

Usher: Hey, Mom! Hapy Mother’s Day!

Will Ferrell: Will Forte. Ana Gasteyer. Liam Neeson…

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/12/12: Will Ferrell’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 21








11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

Will Ferrell’s Monologue

…..Will Ferrell
…..Kay Ferrell
…..Wally Feresten

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Will Ferrell!

Will Ferrell: Thank you! Thank you. Thank you, thank you. I don;t know what you said, but I hope it’s positive! Thank you, it’s so exciting to be BACK HOME at “SNL” in New York City! New York City! The city by the bay! It’s especially exciting because, in about 23 minutes here, it will be Mother’s Day, and, uh… and I know what I’m about to say might stir up some controversy, but here goes: I love my mom! There. There you go, TMZ. That one’s for you. And — guess what? My mom is actually HERE with me tonight. Uh — Mom?

[ he steps down to pull her up on stage from the front row, as the audience cheers wildly ]

My mom! Now… I’m not so great with words. Um… a lot of other people write what I say. And, Mom…I don’t know if you remember last Thanksgiving, when I gave that dramatic speech about Cousin Paul… and you said it saved the family and brought us all together? That was scripted. There was literally a team of writers in the kitchen, feeding me lines through an earpiece… and I feel horribly about it. Uh… so, tonight, for the first time, I’m going to speak straight from my heart. Okay? Okay? No script, no cue cards. Just… just love for my mom. So… Wally, lower the cards.

[ reveal Wally the cue card guy, holding a cue card that reads: “Wally, lower the cue cards!” ]

Will Ferrell: Go ahead. [ Wally doesn’t move ] Yes! Lower them! No! Wait… this is damn scary… Yeah! Lower the cards. Yeah. Lower the cards. It’s fine. Yeah.

[ wally finally lower the cue cards ]

Will Ferrell: [ sighing ] Tonight… I tell my mother that I love her… with my own words.

[ piano music comes up, as the lights go down ]

Mom… the words I am saying now are my words… from my brain place.. to my mouth hole. Mom, I have love. I love… I love the way that you be. You be a big ol’ mommy. No, wait — hold on. You went to a hospital building, right? A long time ago… and strange men pulled me out of your lady parts. Wait! That’s bad! That’s bad. God! Why is this so hard? Is it the piano? It’s the piano, isn’t it? The piano player is awful! I’m sorry about that, Mom. He’s terrible! You know what? I’m just gonna… I’m just gonna think about all the things… you did for me… Mom person. You made milk for me… like the lady from the cover of the Time magazine. Mom… what I’m trying to say is that I want to celebrate you. There! THat’s what I’m trying to say. I want to cover you… in Super Glue… and roll you in flowers? That’s not bad. Right? Okay, I got it! This is perfect! If you were attacked by a dozen ninjas, wearing… crotchless panties… I would fight them. I would fight them hard. There! I did it! The perfect Mother’s Day speech! It’s perfect! [ the audience cheers ] That was not easy. It was not easy. But I want to say one last thing, Mom: I love you so much, Happpy Mother’s Day.

[ he kisses her ]

Will Ferrell: We have a great show! Usher is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/12/12: One-A-Day Extra Strength Nasaflu



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 21












11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

One-A-Day Extra Strength Nasaflu

Wife…..Kristen Wiig
Gary…..Will Ferrell

[ open on married couple sitting in bed; she is blowing her nose ]

Wife: My husband and I have been feeling a little under the weather. Por Gary has been sneezing all day. [ Gary nods ] But with four kids, a good night’s sleep is essential. That’s why we need a cold medicine that —

[ Gary breaks into a sneeze that erupts as a yell ]

Wife: [ startled ] That’s why we need a cold medicine that works… and works fast! Many leading —

[ Gary again breaks into a sneeze that erupts as a yell ] [ she catches her breath once more ] [ cut to exterior hallway, as she starts over with Gary still in bed ]

Wife: As I was saying… With our busy lives, we can’t wait 48 hours for symptom relief —

[ as she walks down the hall, Gary appears in an alcove and yell-sneezes once again ]

Wife: GARY!! That sneeze is OUTRAGEOUS!!

[ cut to Gary’s wife locking herself in the bathroom ]

Wife: That’s why our family always chooses the brand —

[ from the other side of the door, Gary yell-sneezes again ] [ she thrusts the door open to reveal Gary standing there ]

Wife: You sound like a LUNATIC!! You’re just SCREAMING! It is UNREAL! Just sneeze like a NORMAL person!

[ she turns around, as Gary yell-sneezes again ]

Wife: FUCK!! Gary!! [ she turns to the camera and smiles ] We always choose the brand that has been relied on —

[ Gary yells-sneezes again, then four times more ]

Wife: [ continuing ] for years —

[ Gary yell-sneezes yet again ] [ she turns around and bitch-slaps Gary several times ] [ cut to Gary lying in bed, as his wife pours Nasaflu into a glass of water ]

Wife: So try new One-A-Day Extra Strength Nasaflu. And don’t get slowed down by a little sickness.

[ she drinks the medicine, but drops it all over herself when Gary yell-sneezes once more ] [ cut to product close-up ]

Announcer: Nasaflu. For when you just —

[ the sound of Gary yell-sneezes erupts yet again, as the product flies off the nightstand ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mick Jagger: 05/19/12



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>








Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:





Cameos:















Bit Players:


May 19th, 2012

Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger

Arcade Fire

Foo Fighters

Jeff Beck

Jon Hamm

Chris Parnell

Steve Martin

Lorne Michaels

Chris Kattan

Amy Poehler

Rachel Dratch

Will Forte

None

The Lawrence Welk ShowSummary:Lawrence Welk (Fred Armisen) welcomes the Spring season with a performance by Johnny Prosciutto (Jon Hamm), musical sisters Shirley (Abby Elliott), Nancy (Nasim Pedrad), Toni (Vanessa Bayer) and tiny-handed Dooneese (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk, Dooneese, Shirley, Nancy, Toni.

Montage

Mick Jagger’s MonologueSummary: Mick Jagger recites the frequently asked questions he receives from fans, and then provides the answer.

Transcript

Secret WordSummary: Mindy Gracin (Kristen Wiig) once again reveals word clues while acting overtheatrical, while closeted Chaz Bragman (Mick Jagger) is very clear about his true sexual orientation.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Gracin.

KaraokeSummary: At a karaoke bar, uptight insurance man Kevin Miller (Mick Jagger) can’t comprehend his co-workers’ inaccurate performances as Mick Jagger.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell rap about having mimosas for lunch and going to see “Sister Act” on Broadway, as they enjoy a “Lazy Sunday 2”.

Transcript

Politics NationSummary: Gaffe-prone Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) attempts to discuss Wall Street’s effect on the economy by discussing jobs with J.P. Morgan spokesman Colin McKechnie (Mick Jagger), Mayor Mike Bloomberg (Fred Armisen) and a cannery worker (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Al Sharpton, Mike Bloomberg.

Note: This sketch was cut from the Dress Rehearsal of last week’s episode hosted by Will Ferrell.

Mick Jagger with Arcade Fire performs “The Last Time”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: City corresponent Stefon (Bill Hader) lists more inappropriate travel destinations for families planning to visit New York City over the summer.

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

So You Think You Can Dance At An Outdoor Music FestivalSummary: Dave Matthews (Bill Hader) hosts a competition to see who can perform the best dance moves while at an outdoor music festival.

Recurring Characters: Dave Matthews, Carlos Santana, Jewel, Steven Tyler.

Mick Jagger with Foo Fighters performs “19th Nervous Breakdown” and “It’s Only Rock ‘n Roll”Lyrics

The CaliforniansSummary: Stuart (Fred Armisen) and his Californian clan continue to speak in overexaggerated valley accents and provide driving directions within every conservation, as hidden family secrets are revealed.

Recurring Characters: Devon, Corina, Stuart, Trey, Maid.

Mick Jagger and Jeff Beck perform “Tea Party”Lyrics

She’s a Rainbow / GoodnightsSummary: 7-year student Kristen Wiig graduates from SNL’s Class of 2012 and dances with her fellow cast members.

Transcript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mick Jagger: 05/19/12: Mick Jagger’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22




11v: Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger’s Monologue

…..Mick Jagger

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Mick Jagger!

Mick Jagger: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! THank you! It’s wonderful — it’s wonderful — it’s so wonderful to be here! Hosting “Saturday Night Live”! And you’re about to see me do what I do best — stand still and talk. You know, for a long time I’ve been Mick Jagger. You know? And because of that, I’ve met people from all over the world. And they always ask me the same questions. So tonight, I figured I would use the Monologue to answer all those Mick Jagger Frequently Asked Questions. So let’s begin!

The first one is, I’m always asked: “Hey, Mick… who’s your FAVORITE Rolling Stone?” Well… [ he shrugs and smiles ] I mean, that depends. If I’m allowed to pick myself, then I’d say the favorite is obviously… ME! [ the audience cheers ] But, you know, if I’m not allowed to pick myself, then I’d have to say: ] coyly ] “I don’t believe in playing favorites!”

The next question journalists always ask me, is: “Mick… who’s your favorite new group today?” Well… obviously, I LOVE the Foo Fighters. [ the audience cheers wildly ] And… and I love Arcade Fire. [ the audience cheers wildly ] But you know who really gets me excited these days? It’s the FreeCreditReport.com band. They’re my current favorites, anyway.

I’ve also been asked this question before: “Hey, Mick — When you’re onstage at a concert, you ask the crowd… you always ask the crowd: ‘How you doing tonight?’ And the audience would cheer, and then you’ll say: ‘I can’t hear you!'” And they say, “Is that true? Can you not hear us?” Well… I can hear you. It’s just that I’m not listening.

The next question is: “Mick…” You know, I get this one a lot. They say, “Mick, have you finally got Satisfaction?” Yeah. Bravo, it’s very clever. It’s a trick question, though. ‘Cause if I said “No”, then you’d be, like: “What’s your problem, man? I mean, exactly what more do you need?” And if I say “YES!”, then I can’t sing the song any more.

Anyway, people always ask this one: “Mick, do you have any regrets?” Do you want to hear something? A few years ago, I was approached by a newly-created restaurant chain called Ruby Tuesday’s. They aksed me if I would come along to their grand opening and sing the song “Ruby Tuesday” for a thousand dollars and a lifetime supply of their Jalapeno Poppers. I passed up on that offer! And, you know, not a day goes by that I DON’T REGRET THAT!! [ the audience laughs and cheers wildly ] Thank you! Other than that, though, no regrets at all.

So, are you ready for a great show?! [ the audience cheers wildly ] I CAN’T HEAR YOU!! [ the audience cheers more wildly ] That’s okay! WE’ve got a GREAT show for you tonight! I’m, uh… [ he squints at the cue cards ] Mick Jagger… and… don’t you DARE change the channel!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Amazon Kindle



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20




















11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Amazon Kindle

Dad #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Mom #1…..Kristen Wiig
Dad #2…..Bill Hader
Mom #2…..Vanessa Bayer
Man…..Taran Killam
Mom #3…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on mailman delivering an Amazon package to a townhouse ] [ cut to interior, townhouse, as Dad #1 opens the package and pulls out a Chambord French press coffee maker ]

Announcer: This Mother’s Day, why not show Mom just how special she is? By surprising her with one of MILLIONS of gifts from Amazon.com?

Dad #1: Alright, let’s be quiet… Mom has no idea we’re bringing her breakfast in bed, okay? Shhh, shhh, shhh…

Announcer: Which means there’s a million ways to give your mother a surprise she’ll never forget.

[ Dad and the kids rush into the bedroom ]

Dad #1 and Kids: Happy Mother’s Day!!!

[ reveal Mom reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” under the covers with one leg stretched into the air ]

Mom #1: GET OUT!!

Dad #1: [ stunned ] “Fifty Shades of Grey”? Isn’t that… that sex book?

Mom #1: [ embarrassed ] What?! Of course not!

Daughter: [ holding up vibrator ] Look — a microphone! [ singing ] “Mommyyyyy!”

[ Mom grabs her vibrator, as Dad gasps ] [ cut to Dad #2 preparing a gift basket of goodies from Amazon ]

Announcer: Because, at Amazon, a million surprises for Mom are just a click away.

[ Dad and his son rush up the stairs and push the bathroom door open ]

Dad #2 and Son: Surprise!!

[ reveal Mom reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” in a bubble bath, with her legs pressed upon the wall ]

Mom #2: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!

Dad #1: Is that “Fifty Shades of Grey”?

Mom #2: No! It’s… it’s a cook book.

Son: Mom! We got you bath stuff!

Mom #2: I see that, Jonah. Thank you. [ she lifts a gloved hand out of the bath and points ] Just… put it down on the ground.

[ cut to Man wheeling a new washing machine down the hall ]

Announcer: On Amazon.com, Mommy surprises come in ALL sizes.

[ he opens the laundry room door ]

Man: Mom! Happy Mother’s Day!

[ reveal Mom wearing dog collar with her crotch pressed against the working dryer as she reads “Fifty Shades of Grey” ]

Man: Oh — “Fifty Shades of Grey”?

Mom #3: Get out!

Man: [ spotting a framed photo on the dryer ] Is that Joel McHale?

Mom #3: No, it’s your dad! Get out!!

[ cut to product display ]

Announcer: So, this Mother’s Day, go to Amazon.com and get Mom what she really wants: “Fifty Shades of Grey”. On Kindle!

[ return to Dad #1 operating the camera in the bedroom ]

Dad #1: Alright, come on — get next to the kids! Are you ready? [ Mom and the covers stands behind the kids ] 1… 2… 3! [ he clicks the picture ] Yayyyyy!

[ cut to rear angle, to reveal Mom’s bare pixellated ass ]

Dad #1: [ looking at picture ] Oh, no… you seem angry.

[ Mom smirks ] [ cut to product display ]

Announcer: The Kindle. What are you reading, Mom? We’ll never know.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mick Jagger: 05/19/12: Mick Jagger with Arcade Fire performs “The Last Time”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22








11v: Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger with Arcade Fire performs “The Last Time”

…..Mick Jagger
…..Arcade Fire

[ open on a capella group harmonizing at Home Base ]

A Capella Group: [ singing ]“This may — this may be the last time
Ohhhhhh, maybe.
This may be the last time
This may be the last time
May be the last time
I don’t knowwwwwwww!”

[ camera pans over to the musical guest stage ]

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]“Well, I told you once and I told you twice
But ya never listen to my advice
You don’t try very hard to please me
With what you know, it should be easy.

Well, this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don’t know!
Oh no! Oh no!

Well, I’m sorry, girl, but I can’t stay
Feelin’ like I do today
It’s too much pain and too much sorrow
Guess I’ll feel the same tomorrow.

Well, this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don’t know!
Oh no! Oh no!”

[ instrument break ]

“This could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don’t know!
Oh no! Oh no!

Well, I told you once and I told you twice
But ya never listen to my advice
But here’s a chance to change your mind
‘Cause I’ll be gone a long, long time.

Well, this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don’t know!
Oh no.

This could be the last time
Well, I don’t know!
This could be the last time
Well, I don’t know!
This could be the last time
Well, I don’t know!
This could be the last time
Well, I don’t know!”

Arcade Fire! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Little Brothers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20














11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Little Brothers

…..Eli Manning
Older Brother…..Andy Samberg

Eli Manning: Hi. I’m Eli Manning, and I’m a proud ambassador to the Little Brothers program.

[ dissolve to Manning outdoors with a group of small kids ]

Eli Manning V/O: Our organization helps kids build confidence, reach their goals, and overcome their adversity — especially when that adversity… is an older sibling.

[ cut to Manning sitting on a bench with a little brother ]

Eli Manning: So… what does your older brother do to you?

Little Brother: He breaks my toys and doesn’t allow me to play with my video games.

Eli Manning: Let’s find a creative solution to fix that.

[ dissolve to older brother’s bedroom, as he enters brushing his teeth, surprised to see a stern-looking Eli Manning sitting on his bed with his younger brother ]

Brother: Are you Eli Manning?

Eli Manning: Nope. I’m your worst fucking nightmare!

[ cut to Manning holding the older brother upside-down over an open-mouthed toilet ]

Eli Manning V/O: I understand the frustration of an older brother who thinks he can boss you around.

[ cut to Manning and the little brother playing video games together ]

Eli Manning: This is fun, right?

Little Brother: Yeah!

[ zoom out to reveal Manning giving the older brother an atomic wedgie ]

Eli Manning: Right?! [ he tugs harder ]

Brother: Yes, sir! It’s fun!

[ cut to an older brother messing with his younger brother on a street corner ]

Eli Manning V/O: At Little Brothers, we’re ready to face any level of big brother problems.

[ the older brother stops laughing when he looks up to see Eli Manning running straight for him ]

Eli Manning V/O: We know that big brothers… can be real dickheads!

[ Manning tackles the older brother and shoves his face into the dirt ] [ cut to Manning testimonial ]

Eli Manning: We also provide kids with great sports and activities. Like Dodge Ball…

[ cut to Manning and little brothers in attack stance to throw dodge balls at an older brother chained to a fence ]

Brother: Stop!!

Eli Manning V/O: T-Ball…

[ cut to Manning and a little brother using an older brother’s mouth as a t-ball stand, then swinging on the close-up ]

Eli Manning V/O: And Archery.

[ cut to Manning holding a bow-and-arrow ]

Eli Manning: I’ll give you a five-second head start. [ the older brother runs for it ] 1… 2… [ he takes aim ] Good enough!

[ cut to Manning standing over an open car trunk ]

Eli Manning: Maybe now you’ll learn to treat your younger brother with some RESPECT, Peyton!

Older Brother: [ inside car trunk ] My name is not Peyton!!

Eli Manning: Whatever! [ he slams the trunk shut ] [ dissolve to Manning standing with a group of little brothers ]

Eli Manning: The Little Brothers program. Because a time of reckoning is now at hand!

[ they all begin to laugh maniacally ]

Eli Manning: YES!! YES!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mick Jagger: 05/19/12: Mick Jagger with Foo Fighters performs “19th Nervous Breakdown” and “It’s Only Rock ‘n Roll”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22






11v: Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger with Foo Fighters performs “19th Nervous Breakdown” and “It’s Only Rock ‘n Roll”

…..Mick Jagger
…..Foo Fighters

Jason Sudeikis: Ladies and gentlemen — Mick Jagger and Foo Fighters.

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]“You’re the kind of person you meet at certain dismal, dull affairs
Center of a crowd, talking much too loud, running up and down the stairs
Well, it seems to me that you have seen too much in too few years
And though you’ve tried, you just can’t hide, your eyes are edged with tears.

You better stop, look around
Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes!Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown!

When you were a child, you were treated kind, but you were never brought up right
And you were always spoiled with a thousand toys, but still you cried all night
Your mother who neglected you owes a million dollars tax
And your father’s still perfecting ways of making sealant wax.

You better stop, look around
Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes!
Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown!
Ohhhh, who’s to blame?
That girl’s just insane
Well, nothing I do don’t seem to work
It only seems to make the matters worse!
Oh, plea-ea-ea-ease!”

Now!

“If I could dig down deep in my heart
Feelings would flood on the page
Would it satisfy ya? Would it slide on by ya?
Would it help to ease your pain? Ease your pain?

If I could win ya, if I could sing ya
A love song so divine
Would it be enough for your cheating heart
If I broke down and cried? Would I cry?
And I said I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!
Oh, well, I like it… I like it… I like it.

I said can’t you see that this old boy has been lonely?
And if I could stick that knife in my heart
Suicide right on the stage
Would it help to ease your pain? Ease your pain?
I said I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!
Oh, I like it… I like it… I like it.Yeah!

And do ya think that you’re the only girl around?
I bet you think that you’re the only woman in town.

[ instrument break ]

I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!
Oh, I like it… I like it… I like it… I like it.”

Dave Grohl & Mick Jagger: [ singing ]“I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!”

Mick Jagger: Foo Fighters, everybody! Thank you!

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