Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 22
She’s a Rainbow / Goodnights
…..Mick Jagger
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Arcade Fire
…..Jay Pharoah
…..Taran Killam
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Nasim Pedrad
…..Kate McKinnon
…..Vanessa Bayer
…..Abby Elliott
…..Bill Hader
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Seth Meyers
…..Fred Armisen
…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Andy Samberg
…..Lorne Michaels
[ open on exterior, high school building ]
[ dissolve to interior, Home Base stage made to look like mock auditorium setting during Graduation ]
Mick Jagger: Well, another year has come and gone, and I just want to say how proud I am of this graduating class!
[ the cast, dressed in caps and gowns, cheer themselves on ]
Mick Jagger: Many of you are moving on to college, but I’d like to take a moment to say goodbye to one particular student who is leaving this summer — to become a nun. Kristen! [ Bobby Moynihan stands ] No, sorry — the other Kristen. Could you come up here, please?
[ looking somewhat surprised, Kristen Wiig stands and approaches Jagger, as the audience goes nuts ]
Mick Jagger: You’ve meant quite a lot to us, over this past seven years. [ whispering to the audience ] She got held back! [ to Kristen ] So our Music Department got together, and prepared a song to say goodbye. This one’s… for you
[ Arcade Fire and Andy Samberg begin to play “She’s a Rainbow”, as Kristen removes her cap and pulls off her gown to reveal a short white dress and begins to dance and twirl with Jagger ]
[ Jay Pharoah comes forward to dance with Kristen ]
[ Taran Killam comes forward to dance with Kristen ]
[ Bobby Moynihan comes forward to dance with Kristen ]
Arcade Fire: [ singing ]
“She comes in colors everywhere;
She combs her hair
She’s like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors.”
[ Nasim Pedrad, Kate McKinnon, Vanessa Bayer and Abby Elliott collectively come forward to surround Kristen and collectively kiss her on both cheeks ]
Arcade Fire: [ singing ]
“Have you seen her all in gold
Like a queen in days of old
She shoots colors all around
Like a sunset going down
Have you seen the lady fairer?”
[ Bill Hader steps forward to dance with Kristen ]
[ Kenan Thompson comes forward to twirl Kristen around and hug her ]
Arcade Fire: [ singing ]
“She comes in colors everywhere;
She combs her hair
She’s like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors.”
[ Seth Meyers comes forward to dance comically with Kristen ]
[ Fred Armisen comes forward to dance in a circle with Kristen ]
[ Jason Sudeikis somberly steps forward to dance slowly with Kristen, as she rubs his back before he silently joins the rest of the cast ]
[ Andy Samberg comes forward, picks Kristen up and swings her around playfully, as she tries to keep the bottom of her skirt from riding up ]
Arcade Fire: [ singing ]
“She’s like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors.”
[ finally, even the Old Man, Lorne Michaels, steps forward to dance cheek-to-cheek with Kristen, then disappear offstage ]
Everyone: [ singing ]
“Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!”
[ by this time, the stage presence grows with the likes of Steve Martin, Chris Kattan, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, Chris Parnell, Will Forte, Jon Hamm, Foo Fighters and Jeff Beck ]
Everyone: [ singing ]
“Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!”
Mick Jagger: Thank you! Arcade Fire, Foo Fighters, Jeff Beck, Steve Martin, Jon Hamm. Have a great summer, everybody!
Everyone: [ singing ]
“Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!
Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!
Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!
Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you.
Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…”
Air Date:
Summary: Creepy Shepard Smith (Bill Hader) wards off “Mother” while conducting separate interviews with Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) and his five sons.
Summary: Although the cast and crew purports to trust Lindsay Lohan after her recent troubles, they still double-check for possible infractions and have John Hamm on stand-by as a replacement host, just in case.
Summary: Disney princesses Rapunzel (Lindsay Lohan), Snow White (Vanessa Bayer), Belle (Abby Elliott), Jasmine (Nasim Pedrad), and Cinderella (Kristen Wiig) act like bitchy diva housewives on their new reality show.
Summary: Among the evening’s highlights: the Best Foreign Psychic nominees know the results before it’s announced, and a memorial reel of participants who will die in the coming year.
Summary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and Lindsay Lohan try to scare a trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.
Summary: Political correspondent James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on Rush Limbaugh’s most recent controversial comments, as well as other recent Republical gaffes. Snooki (Bobby Moynihan) comments on whether or not she’s pregnant, and reveals Jon Hamm as the father.
Summary: After being released from jail, a group of teen girls carelessly dance around the street, except for Babette (Fred Armisen), who dances in the middle of the street and is repeatedly hit by passing cars.
Summary: Dee (Andy Samberg) and Paula (Kristen Wiig) sing about their united “Afro” in a video invitation to their upcoming wedding.
Summary: Richard (Taran Killam), The Buffalo (Bobby Moynihan), and Illiterate Lisa (Lindsay Lohan) work the morning zoo format at five a.m.
Summary: A woman (Kristen Wiig) wants to quit smoking, but the side effects of Chantix are worse than her nicotine addiction.
Summary: Chevelyn (Kristen Wiig) hires Megan (Lindsay Lohan) to housesit for her while she’s on vacation, but will she ever get out the door knowing that a supposed crazy stalker won’t stop dialing her phone?
Summary: An older man (Fred Armisen) wants to buy a cell phone, but he can’t comprehend the numerous weirdly-named options being pushed on him by the youthful salesman (Bill Hader).
Summary: Buddha (Andy Samberg) makes disparaging comments about his disciples behind their backs after dispensing his wisdom upon them.
Summary: A weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) pokes around the fire after reminiscing about 70’s music.
Summary: A weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) burns his hand in the fire after reminiscing about 70’s music.