[FADE IN on Kris Kristofferson on the set of a country barn with his guitar on his lap.]
Kris: Howdy! Im Kris Kristofferson. I guess youre wonderin what a good ol boy from Nashville is doin talkin to you on some tutti-fruitti TV stage. Well, fact is, I make a pretty good livin doin just bout all the way I wanna do. I may not be no Bobby Dylan, but I dont have to go to work in the morning neither. And Im fixin to tell you all out there how to do the same thing. See, it wasnt always so easy for me, like a lot of you out there, I had a handicap that was fast ruinin my life. It was called education. I was a Rhodes scholar, damn… name was too damned good. To be honest with ya, I was becoming a burden to my family, and an embarrassment to my friends, and I was turnin out songs like, uh, Please, help me endure the angst of this lonely evening, and Bobby McGee and I, and… [pauses] To be sure, I couldnt get arrested. Right now youre probably asking yourself, Well, what turned it all around for him? Howd he write all those great songs and made him, well, kind of a… legend in his own time? The answer is in this book, Talk Country.
[He holds up a skinny coffee-table book with a photo of a shirtless Kristofferson with a guitar.]
Kris: It took me ten years of dues-paying to learn whats in this book, and you can read the damn thing in an hour, in the comfort of your own home. Theres a whole chapter devoted to nothing but droppin your gs at the end of words, like believin, feelin, comin, children… Another on double negatives, and a special section on, uh, colorful country sayins, like, uh, as much chance as a one-legged man in an ass kickin contest, and feelin like a jackass between two haystacks. Point is, you dont need to have a prison record to be an outlaw. Or do any time in a drunk tank to be funky, its all right in here. Dont let your education stand in the way of stardom, and dont throw away a promising career just cause you cant say aint. Send $5.95 today to Talk Country, Station No. 38, New York City, New York.
[SUPERIMPOSE address at bottom of screen.]
Kris: It worked for Merle Haggard… itll work for you. Well, Ive got to get back to makin music. [strums guitar once and sings rapidly] Im a loser, Im a learner, and Im filthy on the phone, I ran a buster to the bone, and Im a problem when Im home…
Kris Kristofferson: Hi! I just want to thank all the people who let us be on this show, with all the crazy people that work on it. They got one of the greatest studio bands there probably is anywhere — and I got one of the best bands, too! [ the audience cheers and applauds ] Hey! It’s such a DAMN pleasure to work any place where you got any real imagination working, and I got a great band and some great girls back there working with me, too. God bless, y’all! Thank you very much!
[ as the credits begin to roll, the cast climbs up to join Kristogfferson on Home Base ]
Announcer: Hi, this is Dan Aykroyd, one of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, inviting you to watch the Beach Boys Special on NBC on Thursday, August 5th. Some of us from “Saturday Night” were involved in the production, and you’ll be neatly surprised. “Sam-son, Sam-son, Sam-son…” and more! Watch The Beach Boys — Thursday, August 5th on NBC. Thanks a lot. Good night.
[In her apartment, Judy sits on the sofa and talks onthe phone.]
Judy: Margie, listen, he’s in the bathroom so I’ve gotto talk fast. Okay, remember how Eileen said that thiswould be the greatest blind date of my life — he’scute, he’s fun, he’s a doctor? He’s my gynecologist…. Because she never told me his last name, that’swhy! … Well, nothing’s happened so far except hesaid my pap test came out okay. … Well, I don’tknow, it’s just so awkward. I mean, the last time Isaw his face, it was coming up between my knees. …It’s embarrassing. I just don’t know if I can gothrough– [a door opens] I gotta get off — he’scoming. [quickly hangs up, pretends to read amagazine]
Gynecologist: [enters] Well, “Silent Movie” comes onat eight o’clock and, uh, “The Omen” — it might bea–
Judy: I-I-I-I, um, I don’t think I can go through withthis.
Gynecologist: What?
Judy: Going out with you. Going out with mygynecologist.
Gynecologist: Why? [joins Judy on sofa]
Judy: Well … because … I don’t even know whatmovie we’re seeing yet and you’ve already gotten tothird base.
Gynecologist: Hey, uh, Judy, all I did was perform aprofessional service for ya, just like an accountant.It’s like, it’s like if you were datin’ youraccountant.
Judy: Hey, I wouldn’t mind if you’d seen the inside ofmy checkbook.
Gynecologist: Look, let’s talk about somethin’ else,change the subject. That’s a great lookin’ shirt yagot on.
Judy: Well, are you sure? You’ve never seen me inanything but white paper. Hey, doesn’t it ever get toyou? I mean, knowing that you’ve seen the inside of my…
Gynecologist: Judy, I see these things all the time.
Judy: Well, that’s the difference. To you, they’re”these things.” To me, they’re MY things.
Gynecologist: Now, I didn’t mean it that way. It’sjust like if– I mean, imagine lookin’ at thirty orforty “things” a day, you know? Uh, if you can’t– Ifyou’re worryin’ about what I remember about yours, youknow, I can’t even remember which one it was.
Judy: You can’t?
Gynecologist: Promise.
Judy: That is a relief.
Gynecologist: Whew. [Judy sighs] Well, if you want tosee “Silent Movie,” we ought to go right now.
Judy: You really can’t remember … one thing?
Gynecologist: Uh uh. Uh uh.
Judy: Not even about the, uh, other half?
Gynecologist: Well, who could forget those, darlin’?Ha ha! Jokin’, of course, I’m only kidding, you see.
Judy: Oh.
Gynecologist: Hey, wait a minute. Are you mad becauseI DON’T remember, now?
Judy: Oh! No-ho-ho-ho! It’s wonderful to know that theman who probably has the most intimate contact withyour body can’t remember one thing.
Gynecologist: Good God, Judy, I’m a doctor. I can’tthink of my patients sexually. I have to think of ’emobjectively.
Judy: Sure.
Gynecologist: Well, you know what? You know what youare? You’re thinkin’ like everybody else thinks. Youthink it was a choice for me of either bein’ agynecologist or some dirty old man in an all-nightmovie with a newspaper on my lap. It was not thatchoice. Do you know what it was like for me in school?All my friends made me write down everything I saw sothey could read it in the bathroom later. And theother residents, man, they thought THEY were workin’but I was gettin’ a little.
Judy: Well?
Gynecologist: Well, every time I went out on a date,any woman that I was ever out with eventually gotaround to asking why I was ever interested in bein’ agynecologist and, uh, did I think about it a lot whenI was a little boy? Did I want to be one then? Did Ihave bad thoughts? You know, DO I have bad thoughts,you know?
Judy: [perhaps a little hopeful] Do ya?
Gynecologist: Doesn’t everybody? You do, admit it.
Judy: Well, I don’t think that I necessarily–
Gynecologist: All the time you have bad thoughts! Comeon, you could be havin’ ’em right now. Look at the wayyou cross your legs.
Judy: Well, no, I–
Gynecologist: In fact, that’s probably why you startedthis whole damn thing — you’re tryin’ to get in myknickers. I’m teasin’.
Judy: It’s not that I haven’t noticed you. I – I haveoccasionally peeked over the sheet — once.
Gynecologist: [laughs] Aha! You see, we’re gettin’down to the nitty gritty. [decides to confess] Hey,you wanna– If it’ll make you feel better, you know–Nobody ever got fixed up with their gynecologist byaccident. I felt funny about this thing and somebodyfixed us up — for me. That’s all.
Judy: Do you mean that?
Gynecologist: Yeah. When you was peekin’ over thesheet, I was peekin’ under it. [takes her hand] Hey,can we be friends about it?
Judy: Yeah.
Gynecologist: Can we go to the movies?
Judy: Yeah.
Gynecologist: Let’s get out.
[Holding hands, they rise and go to the door. He opensit for her. Halfway out the door, Judy stops and turnsto him, very pleased.]
Judy: You DID notice.
[She turns, head held high, and exits. He follows herout, shutting the door behind him. We pan across theempty room and off the set to the applauding audience.A superimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT… PIGGY BANKSFOR SWINE FLU VACCINE.]
Barbra Walters: Good evening, and welcome to “Not For Wadies Only”. I’m Baba Wawa, and tonight we’ll be talking to an actual wiving wegend – the incwedible Mawene Dietrich.
Marlene Dietrich: Thank you. It’s gweat to be heah.
Barbra Walters: Mawene, what is it wike to be wiving wegend?
Marlene Dietrich: Wet me just say, it’s been a weawy wich expewience.
Barbra Walters: I’m so impwessed. Mawene.. you are so with and swender. How do you stay so swim?
Marlene Dietrich: Swimming keeps me swim. My daily wegimen incwudes swimming twelve waps in my pool. It’s wonderful for my wegs.
Barbra Walters: Mawene, tell us the secwet of your perpetual youth.
Marlene Dietrich: I only eat healthy foods. I get massaged weguwally, and.. I’ve had evewything wifted.
Barbra Walters: [ incredulous ] You mean you’ve had your wegs wifted?!
Marlene Dietrich: Evewything, even my weah.
Barbra Walters: Your what?
Marlene Dietrich: My weah.
Barbra Walters: Your wear?
Marlene Dietrich: What?
Barbra Walters: Dwop it.
Marlene Dietrich: You bwought it up. [ laughing in ] Of course, wooking gwamowous on film isn’t all beauty secwets. A wot of it is wighting. I do all my own wighting.
Barbra Walters: I didn’t weawize you wote.
Marlene Dietrich: I don’t. I wight.
Barbra Walters: You’re weferring to.. [ moves her fingers as though typing ] ..typewriter witing, wight?
Marlene Dietrich: [ pointing to lights ] I’m weferring to ewectwic wighting. You see, in pictures, bwight wighting can be vewy unfwattering, particuwawy if it makes my wegs wook white. Baba, am I wong to want to appear wadiant?
Barbra Walters: No, that’s very weasonable.. [ to herself ] Hawy Weasonuh.. Hawy Weasonuh.. five million dollars.. I’m wich! [ to camera ] Well, we’ve wun out of time. Before we go, I wanted to mention what a beautiful fur you have on. Is it mink?
Marlene Dietrich: No, it’s just a silly wabbit.
Barbra Walters: Well, Mawene, it’s been a weal pweasure. I thank you. [ into camera ] Don’t forget to dwop in next week when our guest will be Elmer Fudd. Good night.
Madeline Kahn: Oh, my my, my, my! Hello! And thank you, and, to get right to the point, what are we going to do, um — it’s Mother’s Day very soon — in a half-hour or so, it’ll be Mother’s Day — and what can we do? I mean, you know, there doesn’t seem to be any way to repay, you know, what a person’s mother gives. I mean, you know, my mother gave me birth — I don’t know about yous. And then, you know, I gave her a scarf. And sometimes she gives me strength, and I give her nothing. And it’s just very upsetting. And I didn’t do ANYTHING this time, because I’ve been so busy, so, um… I do have this wonderful opportunity, and perhaps I could speak for all of you — [ she smiles ] in singing a little something… to Mother. And, here it is:
[ singing ] “M is for the many things she gave me. O is for the other things she gave me. T is for the thousand things she gave me. H is for the hundred things she gave me. E is for everything she gave me. R is for the rest of the things she gave me. P is for the presents that she gave me. Put them all together, they spell “MOTHERP.” The one who means the world to me.”
[ she shrugs and smiles, as the audience applauds ]
[Open on black man dressed in African clothing. He speaks in a slow, hesitant manner]
Mark Mbutu: Hello. I’m Mark Mbutu from the newly emerging African nation of Namibia, a former German colony located in southwest Africa. Namibia is an undeveloped nation, and we are appealing to you as world citizens. We need your fondue sets. Many people in the United States received these fondue sets as gifts for anniversaries, birthdays and housewarmings, and often put them up on a shelf and forget about them. There are thousands of Namibian housewives who could cheer up an otherwise dull dinner party with one of these sets. Oh, please think, please give, please send. We already have enough of the little sterna cans for underneath the sets from when the Germans were here, so only send the fondue pots themselves, and the long fark–forks if you have them. [Dissolve to address on green background] Our address is: Fondue Sets For Namibia, Box 180, Namibia, West Africa. [Dissolve back to Mbutu] Oh, and we would like to thank Mr. and Mrs. Norman Prager for sending us the Water-Pik and the deluxe toaster oven. [Raises fist] Thank you!
[ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “WEARING UNDERWEAR MARKED THURSDAY” ]
Pat Nixon…..Madeline Kahn President Richard Nixon……Dan Aykroyd David Eisenhower…..Chevy Chase Julie Eisenhower…..Gilda Radner Henry Kissinger…..John Belushi
[ open on Pat Nixon at her desk at San Clemente – half-empty bottle of gin on the desk ]
Voice: Mrs. Nixon, maybe you should go upstairs to bed now.
Pat Nixon: [ drunk, maintaining control ] No thank you, Ron, I’ll be alright.
Voice: Alright. Good night, Mrs. Nixon.
Pat Nixon: Good night.. [ starts writing in her diary ] “Dear Diary.. it’s twelve o’clock, and once again I find myself alone. Dick’s leg swelled up today, and he was in intense pain. Good! The ocean is calm here at San Clemente.. quite a contrast to the stormy final days in the White House. I’ll never forget the night of August 7th.. I had just gone down to the pantry to get some refreshments, when I heard Dick’s voice. As usual, he wasn’t speaking to me, he was talking to Abe Lincoln..”
[ flashback to White House hallway – President Richard Nixon talking to Abe Lincoln’s portrait ]
[ SUPER: “The White House – August 7, 1974” ]
President Richard Nixon: [ despairing ] Well, Abe, you were lucky. They shot you. Come on clot! Move up to my heart! Kill me! Kill me!
[ Julie and David Eisenhower enter the room ]
David Eisenhower: Ah, Mr. President? Julie and I were thinking maybe you should go upstairs and get some rest. Maybe things will look brighter in the morning.
President Richard Nixon: [ wincing at the sight of David ] Ugh! He does look like Howdy Doody!
Julie Eisenhower: Daddy, you’re not going to resign, are you?
President Richard Nixon: No, no.. a pessimist would resign. I’m an optimist.
Julie Eisenhower: It’s the pessimists who want you to resign, isn’t it, Daddy?
President Richard Nixon: THat’s right, Princess. Remember that army hospital I visited in Vietnam? There was a young enlisted man from Des Moines, Iowa. He had been hit in the eye with a surface-to-air missile. And he only had four pints of blood left in his body, and as youknow, a man normally has eight pints of blood in his body. Now, the pessimists in this country would say that that boy was half-empty, while I like to think he was half-full!
David Eisenhower: That’s right, Mr. President. You know, I was talking to two reporters from the Washington Post this morning, and they said they thought you were half crazy, but I told them I like to think of you as half-sane!
President Richard Nixon: Thank you. Now, if you’ll leave me alone, I’m in the middle of a meeting.
David Eisenhower: [ looking around for others ] Meeting?
Julie Eisenhower: Okay, Daddy, if it’ll make you feel better. [ she and David leave ]
President Richard Nixon: [ walks over to portrait of JFK ] You! Kennedy. You looked so good all the time. They’re gonna find out about you, too. The president! Having sex with women within these very walls. That never happened when Dick Nixon was in the White House! Never! Never! Never!..
[ flashback to Pat writing in her diary ]
Pat Nixon: “Never.. never.. never.. never.. never.. never.” [ sips drink, gains control of herself ] “I think Henry Kissinger was the first one to suggest that resignation was inevitable. He told Dick not to think of it as a resignation, but as “humiliation with honor”. I think the last time they spoke to each other was on that same night..”
[ flashback to White House hallway ]
President Richard Nixon: Never! Never! Never!
Henry Kissinger: [ enters ] Mr. President, Mr. President.. I just spoke mit your lovely daughter und charming son-in-law, und zey expressed a deep concern for your vell-being, which I, of course, share, und zey suggested zat I come down und cheer you up.
President Richard Nixon: You know I’m not a crook, Henry. You know that I’m innocent.
Henry Kissinger: [ long pause.. coughs ]
President Richard Nixon: I am! I’m telling you, Henry: I had nothing to do with the bugging of Watergate! I had nothing to do with the cover-up! with the break-in to Daniel Ellsberg’s psychiatrist’s office! Or with the man who was killed in Florida!
Henry Kissinger: Vhat man was killed in Florida, Mr. President?
President Richard Nixon: You don’t know about the little Cuban who.. ah.. never mind. [ gets on his knees ] Henry, get down on your knees and pray with me.
Henry Kissinger: Mr. President, you’ve got a big day tomorrow, why don’t ve get in our pajamas und go sleepy?
President Richard Nixon: Don’t you want to pray, you Christ-killer?
Henry Kissinger: I don’t vant to get into zat again, Mr. President. Excuse me, I’ve got to go warn the Strategic Air Command to ignore all presidential orders.
President Richard Nixon: Alright, thanks, Henry. [ Kissinger exits the room ] Jewboy! Jewboy! Jewboy!
[ flashback to Pat at her diary ]
Pat Nixon: “Dick wasn’t anti-Semitic.. he hated all minorities. I remember once an aide referred to the Vietnamese as Gooks and Chinks. Dick said that that was wrong. He said a Chink is someone who’s from China, and is Gook is anyone of the Oriental persuasion. A Chink is always a Gook, but a Gook isn’t always a Chink.. it was that way on that same night in Auguest..”
[ flashback to President Richard Nixon talking to a portrait of FDR ]
President Richard Nixon: And you! Franklin Delano Roosenfelt. you were a Jew, too, weren’t you? Jewboy! Jewboy! [ turns to portrait of Lincoln ] What is happening to me, Abe? Everything’s falling apart, Why me, Abe? Why me?!
[ the lips on Lincoln’s portrait move ]
Voice of Lincoln: Because you’re such a dip!
[ flashback to Pat at her diary ]
Pat Nixon: [ slurring ] “..because.. you’re.. such.. a dip!”
Voice of President Richard Nixon: Pat! Pat! Where are you? I’m cold.
Pat Nixon: Well, dear Diary, I must close now.
Voice of President Richard Nixon: Pat, it’s chilly in here.
Ronald Reagan…Chevy Chase Saxophonist…..Garrett Morris
[Open on Reagan playing improvised blues on an organ, accompanied by a band. The black saxophonist sits on a stool behind Reagan, smiling]
Ronald Reagan: [Stops playing and addresses camera] Oh, hi. I’m Ronald Reagan. [Super: “THIS IS NOT RONALD REAGAN”] Oh, sure, I play the organ, too. [chuckles] Did you think I was just a politician or an actor? Nahhh! [to Saxophonist] Take it, boy! [Resumes organ playing]
[Saxophonist’s smile vanishes as he gets up from his stool and walks over to Reagan, obviously offended by Reagan’s “boy” remark. Saxophonist looks at the band and points to Reagan in disbelief]
Ronald Reagan: You know, I’m doing this to kinda prove a point. I wanna show the people of this great nation of ours that a conservative like me can, well, also get with the hep, pop, young music generation. Take it, boy!
[Reagan resumes playing. Saxophonist starts to put the saxophone reed in his mouth. He takes it out and leans on the organ, again shocked by Reagan’s remark.]
Ronald Reagan: And that’s not all. I like to get down with the colored people. People with the real soul. That natural rhythmic sense that, well, that brought them out to the polls in North Carolina and Texas to vote for me. Take it, boy!
[Reagan resumes playing again. Saxophonist removes the saxophone’s strap from his shoulder and glares at Reagan.]
Ronald Reagan: That’s right. See, I’m an ex-governor, an ex-actor, and a keyboard player. And there’s nothing I like better than to get with the underprivileged. Take it, boy!
[Saxophonist sets his instrument down, grabs Reagan as he utters another “Take it, boy” and punches him in the face. Reagan flies off the organ bench and into a pair of folding chairs as the music stops. Slowly getting up, he looks into the camera]
Ronald Reagan: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Madeline … Madeline Kahn Gilda … Gilda Radner Jane … Jane Curtin Laraine … Laraine Newman
[In a darkened suburban living room, four prepubescentgirls huddle with sleeping bags, pillows, aflashlight, etc., around a sofa.]
Madeline: … so then the man gets bare naked in bedwith you and you both go to sleep, which is why theycall it “sleeping together.” Then you both wake up andthe man says, “Why don’t you slip into something morecomfortable?” No, wait a second, um, no, I think thatcomes, uh, before. Anyways, it’s not important, it’snot important. Anyway, then, uh, the man says–
[A light comes on and the voice of Gilda’s mothercalls from upstairs:]
Voice of Mother: Gilda, it’s five A.M.! When does the noise stop?
Gilda: We’re – we’re goin’ to sleep now, Mom!
Voice of Mother: What are you talking about at this hour?
Gilda: School!
Voice of Mother: Well, save it for the morning!
[The light goes out and Gilda puts a finger to herlips to quiet the other girls.]
Jane: [to Madeline] And then the man …?
Madeline: Anyway, then the man– [she whispers intothe other girls’ ears, they make loud retching noises,totally disgusted: “Ewww! Aaaagh!”]
Laraine: That’s disgusting!
Madeline: And then you scream and then he screams andthen it’s over.
Laraine: Ohhhhgggghh! That’s DISGUSTING!
Gilda: You lie, Madeline!
Madeline: Cross my heart and hope to die. My brothertold me ’bout it in my driveway.
Gilda: Yeah, but your brother lies, Madeline!
Madeline: No, si-ir!
Jane: Isn’t – isn’t he the one that said if you chewyour nails and then swallow them, a hand will grow inyour stomach?
Madeline: Well, it is also true because I happen tohave read it in this book.
Jane: [skeptical] What did it sa-ay?
Madeline: It sa-id … the first step in humanreproduction is: the man– [again, she whispers intothe other girls’ ears, again they retch loudly indisgust: “Ewww! Aaaagh!”]
Laraine: Eww! That’s DISGUSTING! Aaaggghh!
Madeline: It’s tru-ue!
Jane: Well, I just know it can’t be true becausenothing that sickening is true.
Madeline: Boogers are true.
Gilda: Well, I mainly don’t believe it because mysister told me she heard that there’s this girl thatthis guy jumped out of the bushes and forced her tohave a baby.
Madeline: How?
Gilda: I don’t know. He – he just said, “Have a baby,right now!”
Madeline: Sure, sure. Sure, Gilda. And you think thatthat would work if I – if I did it to you, then?
Gilda: [suddenly tense] Don’t, okay?
Madeline: Don’t worry about it ’cause I won’t. Anyway,it doesn’t – it wouldn’t even work because that is notthe way it is done. How it is done is, the man–
Laraine: Oh, don’t say it again, okay? I just ate halfa pizza, okay?
Gilda: So that’s why people are born naked?
Jane: Yeah!
Laraine: God, but how could you face the guyafterwards? I mean, wouldn’t you be so embarrassed?
Jane: I’d have to kill myself right after. I mean, Iget embarrassed when I know with someone sitting nextto me they could see inside my ear.
Madeline: That is why you should only do it after youare married because then you won’t be so embarrassedin front of your husband because – you will be in thesame family.
Laraine: Oh, yeah, now I really wanna get married — not!
Madeline: But! But – the worst thing is — our parents do it.
Gilda: Come on!
Madeline: Yes. Think about it. Just think about it. Imean, none of us would be here unless our parents didit at least once.
Jane: My parents did it at least twice. I have a sister.
Gilda: My parents did it at least three times. I havea sister and a brother. But I – I know they didn’t doit because they wanted to. They did it because theyhad to, to have children.
Madeline: They could have adopted.
Gilda: Yeah, but adopted children are such a pain. Youhave to teach ’em to look like you.
Laraine: Well, my father would never do anything sodisgusting like that to my mom — he’s too polite.
Madeline: My father is polite. And we have six kids.
Laraine: Maybe he’s not as polite as you think he is.
Jane: I wonder whose idea this was.
Madeline: God’s.
Jane: Oh, come on! God doesn’t go around thinking upsickening things for people to do.
Gilda: Maybe God makes us do it so we can appreciatehow good the rest of our life is.
Jane: Yeah, maybe!
Laraine: So – so, like, how long does it take?
Madeline: [rolls her eyes in disbelief] Stupid!Depends on how big the girl’s stomach is and how fastshe can digest.
Gilda: Oh.
Jane: Can you talk during it?
Madeline: [can’t believe anyone would ask such astupid question] God… You have to hold your breathor else it doesn’t work.
[Laraine, who has been chewing gum and playing withher hair throughout the sketch now takes a deep breathand, with cheeks puffed out, holds it until the middleof Gilda’s next line.]
Jane: Well, I’m just telling my husband I’m not gonnado it. Tough beansies, God!
Madeline: What if he says he will get divorced fromyou if you don’t do it?
Jane: I’d never marry anybody like that.
Madeline: Well, what if you did by accident? I mean,what if you met him in a war and you married him realfast because you felt sorry for him because he wouldprobably get killed, only he didn’t get killed, andthen you would be stuck with him?
Gilda: Wait a minute, let’s make this pact, right now,that if we ever get married, and our husbands make usdo it, we’ll call each other up on the phone every dayand talk a lot to keep our minds off of it, just likeour mothers do.
Jane: Right!
Madeline: Right.
Laraine: Right, because it’s DISGUSTING! Ooooaaggghhh!
Jane: Well, don’t worry. We’ll never have to keep thispact because I know I’ll never do it.
Gilda: Me, neither.
Madeline: Me, neither.
Laraine: [thinks about it, after a pause] I might.
[Jane’s eyes open wide; Madeline and Gilda exchangesurprised glances. Audience applauds. Dissolve to awide shot of the set and pull back to reveal theapplauding audience as the actors rise and hurry off.A superimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT … RON NESSENREMEMBERS.]
[Fade in to wilderness backdrop. A few fake animals are perched on a log.]
Announcer: An entertainer turns his back on civilization to find nature’s audience. He made the animals laugh. Wilderness Comedian.
[“Wilderness Comedian” title appears. Comedian wearing yellow suit and holding microphone steps in front of the animals. He delivers a rapid-fire, Vegas-style comedy act]
Comedian: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, thank you. One mountain goat goes up to another mountain goat and says, “Who was that lady I saw you with last night?” The goat says, “That was no lady. That was my kid!” [Animals laugh at punchline] Thank you, thank you very much, thank you, thank you, thank you. Wait-wait a minute, wait a minute. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hey, how do you like this coat, huh? How do you like this coat, huh? I got it real cheap. I bought it off a deer for a buck. It’s a buckskin! Thank you [Animals laugh]
Announcer: Yes, Wilderness Comedian starring Shecky Adams, in the story of a successful nightclub comic who gave up the wildlife of Las Vegas for the wildlife of the North American wilderness.
Comedian: Thank you very much. But seriously, birds and bees, it’s so wonderful to be here tonight. The wilderness is a crazy place. It’s really a nutty place. It just goes on here all the time, it’s absolutely insane. The other day, there’s this bear standing next to a creek trying to catch a salmon, right? And this moose walks by and says, “How ya doin’?” And the bear says, “Not so good. Haven’t caught a salmon all day.” The moose says, “No wonder.” He says, “No wonder. You’re facing the wrong way. Salmon swim upstream. [silence] Salmon swim UPSTREAM!” Hey, what is this, an Audubon painting? [Animals laugh] Thank you. Thank you very much.
Announcer: Your whole family will thrill to scenes of high adventure. [Bearskin rug suddenly “jumps” on comedian, who begins wrestling with it] Imagine grappling with a 400-pound wilderness heckler. Opening for Jerry Vale was never like this.
Comedian: Okay bear, you can sit down. We’ve all seen the coat before. [Tosses rug aside] Fine. Real good. Okay! All right, hey, look, I kid bears, I know. [Becomes serious] But I kid all species, you know? Why? Because we’re all animals, right, you know? And I love ’em. I don’t care whether they’re hooved, they’re furried or they’re feathered. I don’t care. After all, we’re all animals and [resumes comedic tone] Except the young ones today, the young animals today. I don’t know. They’re crazy. They all let their hair grow long, you know. I know a teenage, I know a teenage water buffalo. He’s six-two. He got a haircut, he’s five-four. Thank you [Animals laugh] Thank you very much.
Announcer: Yes, Wilderness Comedian. Opening soon in a Jerry Lewis theater near you on a double bill with Wilderness Golf Pro.
