SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 24

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

July 31st, 1976

Kris Kristofferson

Rita Coolidge




Season 1: Order Now!free website hit counter Help Me Make It Through The NightSummary: Kris Kristofferson sings “Help Me Make It Through the Night, while Chevy Chase makes it through the night with his wife, Rita Coolidge.


Kris Kristofferson’s Monologue

I Was Not A Sucker For Saturday NightSummary: Sherry (Laraine Newman) has written a tell-all book about her experiences serving as intern to SNL’s writing staff.

Recurring Characters: Sherry.


Samurai General PractitionerSummary: Futaba (John Belushi) administers a physical to Kris Kristofferson.

Recurring Characters: Futaba.

Rita Coolidge performs “Hula Hoop”

The Great White AthleteSummary: Jesse Owens (Garrett Morris) is selling medals that formerly belonged to white athletes.


Mississippi DelegateSummary: Mississippi delegate Frank Wade (Kris Kristofferson) asks President Gerald R. Ford (Chevy Chase) to side with him on a bill.

Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford, Betty Ford.

Police StateSummary: A pair of police officers (Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd) go after criminals with a no-holds-barred style.


Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Laraine Newman accidentally reports live from Nassau instead of from NASA.


Talk CountrySummary: Kris Kristofferson plugs the book that taught him how to talk like a good ol’ boy.


Bobbi McGeeSummary: Kris Kristofferson sings a few bars of Me and Bobby McGee”, then brings out the young woman (Gilda Radner) who inspired the tune and learns that she has since married a man named Larry Farber (John Belushi).

Recurring Characters: Bobbi Farber, Larry Farber.


Gynecologist Blind DateSummary: Judy (Jane Curtin) is uncomfortable when she finds out her friend has set her up on a blind date with her own gynecologist (Kris Kristofferson).


Kris Kristofferson & Rita Coolidge perform “Eddie the Eunuch”

Praising CarterSummary: Andrew Young (Garrett Morris) speaks highly of presidential candidate Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd), in the hopes of being asked to join his administration.

Recurring Characters: Andrew Yuong, Jimmy Carter.

Waiting For PardoSummary: Bob (Chevy Chase) and Bill (Kris Kristofferson) await the arrival of the mythic Don Pardo.


Kris Kristofferson performs “I’ve Got a Life of My Own”


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone


…..Elliot Gould

[ return from commercial to find Elliott Gould dressed as a cowgirl ]

Elliott Gould: Well, folks, that’s all for tonight. We’re going away for some vacation time, but don’t worry — they’re gonna rerun some of our old shows, and, later on in the season, we’re gonna be back with Louise Lasser. Until then, we just want to say:

[ pull back to reveal the entire cast is also dressed as cowgirls ]

Elliott Gould & Cast: [ singing ] “Happy trails to you, until we meet again.
Happy trails to you, keep smilin’ until then.
Happy trails to you ’till we meet again.”

Elliott Gould: Again! Everybody!

Elliott Gould & Cast: [ singing ] “Happy trails to you, until we meet again.
Happy trails to you, keep smilin’ until then.
Happy trails to you ’till we meet again.”

Announcer: Others in tonight’s cast were Teri Garr, Doris Powell, Ronald Reagan, and Akira Yoshimura. Next Saturday, watch NBC’s “Weekend with Lloyd Dobbins.” Two weeks from tonight, Robert Klewin hosts “Saturday Night”. This is Don Pardo, and I would rather be an announcer than anything else in the whole wide world — except, maybe, a fireman… a cowboy or an Indian… an astronaut, or a forest ranger, a reindeer, a driving instructor, or a horsie… orrrrrr ?? Nahhhh, I’ll think of something!

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SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: The Great White Athlete

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

The Great White Athlete

Jesse Owens…..Garrett Morris
Announcer…..Don Pardo

[Gray-haired Jesse Owens, the legendaryAfrican-American track athlete who dominated the 1936Olympics, sits in a chair, wearing a suit and tie andaddresses the camera]

Jesse Owens: Hello, I’m Jesse Owens, here to make youan offer of lasting value. For a limited time only,the American Olympic Committee together with thegovernment of Canada are offering these beautifulOlympic medallions, [holds up the medallions]commemorating some of the last of a dying breed: theGreat White Athlete. For only forty-five dollars, youcan own the entire set with white heroes of hockey,swimming and spear-chucking– umm… I mean, javelinthrow. Hurry and send in now while they last, honky.

[A superimposition reads: Great White Athletes Box1976 Johannesburg, S. Africa]

Announcer: That’s “Great White Athlete” — Box 1976Johannesburg, South Africa.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: Elliot Gould’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

Elliot Gould’s Monologue

…..Elliot Gould

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Elliot Gould!

[ Elliott Gould runs down the stairs while peeling a banana, then hands the banana to an audience member as he reaches the apron of Home Base ]

Elliott Gould: [ holding his arms out ] Times have changed.

[ in the background, Paul Shaffer tinkles the keys of his piano ]

Elliott Gould: [ singing ] “And we’ve often rewound the clock
Since the puritans got a shock
When they landed on Plymouth Rock.
Iiiiif today, any shock they should try to stem
instead of landing on Plymouth Rock
Plymouth rock would land on them.

In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking
Now, heaven knows
Anything goes.

Good authors, too, who once knew better words
Now only use four-letter words
Writing prose
Anything goes.

The world has gone mad today
And good’s bad today
And black’s white today
And day’s night today
When most guys today that women prize today
Are just silly gigolos.

So though I ain’t no great romancer
I know that you’re bound to answer
When I propose
Anything goes!”

[ he dances around ]

“The world has gone mad today
And black’s white today
And day’s night today
And what’s right today
And all the guys today that women prize today
Are just… [ he waves his arms ]

So though I ain’t no great romancer
I know that I’m bound to answer
When you propo-o-o-o-o-ose
And, tonight… everything goes”

Right after this message, from the message giver, who’s gonna deliver a mesage… in a minute!

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SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: Talk Country

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Talk Country

…..Kris Kristofferson

[FADE IN on Kris Kristofferson on the set of a country barn with his guitar on his lap.]

Kris: Howdy! I’m Kris Kristofferson. I guess you’re wonderin’ what a good ol’ boy from Nashville is doin’ talkin’ to you on some tutti-fruitti TV stage. Well, fact is, I make a pretty good livin’ doin’ just ‘bout all the way I wanna do. I may not be no Bobby Dylan, but I don’t have to go to work in the morning neither. And I’m fixin’ to tell you all out there how to do the same thing. See, it wasn’t always so easy for me, like a lot of you out there, I had a handicap that was fast ruinin’ my life. It was called education. I was a Rhodes scholar, damn… name was too damned good. To be honest with ya, I was becoming a burden to my family, and an embarrassment to my friends, and I was turnin’ out songs like, uh, “Please, help me endure the angst of this lonely evening,” and “Bobby McGee and I,” and… [pauses] To be sure, I couldn’t get arrested. Right now you’re probably asking yourself, “Well, what turned it all around for him? How’d he write all those great songs and made him, well, kind of a… legend in his own time?” The answer is in this book, “Talk Country.”

[He holds up a skinny coffee-table book with a photo of a shirtless Kristofferson with a guitar.]

Kris: It took me ten years of dues-paying to learn what’s in this book, and you can read the damn thing in an hour, in the comfort of your own home. There’s a whole chapter devoted to nothing but droppin’ your “g’s” at the end of words, like believin’, feelin, comin’, children… Another on double negatives, and a special section on, uh, colorful country sayins, like, uh, “as much chance as a one-legged man in an ass kickin’ contest,” and “feelin’ like a jackass between two haystacks.” Point is, you don’t need to have a prison record to be an outlaw. Or do any time in a drunk tank to be funky, it’s all right in here. Don’t let your education stand in the way of stardom, and don’t throw away a promising career just ‘cause you can’t say “ain’t.” Send $5.95 today to Talk Country, Station No. 38, New York City, New York.

[SUPERIMPOSE address at bottom of screen.]

Kris: It worked for Merle Haggard… it’ll work for you. Well, I’ve got to get back to makin’ music. [strums guitar once and sings rapidly] “I’m a loser, I’m a learner, and I’m filthy on the phone, I ran a buster to the bone, and I’m a problem when I’m home…”

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: Poker Game

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

Poker Game

Mr. Russo…..Dan Aykroyd
Johnny Sagpants…..Garrett Morris
Moe Greenstein…..Elliott Gould
Ramone Diarga…..Chevy Chase

[ pull down from audience balcony shot to the set below ]

Mr. Russo: Well, I’m ready to play some Poker, Johnny! How soon is this European hotshot gonna arrive?

Johnny Sagpants: Well, any minute now, Mr. Russo. His reply said 9:30.

Mr. Russo: Well, it’s nice of him to grace our humble city of N’awlins though, isn’t it? [ he chuckles ] They say he’s a gentleman of honor, you know? And, Johnny, there aren’t many gentlemen left in the world today.

Johnny Sagpants: Well, uh, they say he’s the best card player in all Europe, so you’d better be on your toes tonight, Mr. Russo!

Mr. Russo: Don’t you worry yourself, Johnny! You just hand me my stakes when I want ’em, then sit back and watch somebodty get taught a lesson!

[ they laugh, as a knock is heard at the door ]

Johnny Sagpants: Oh, that must be them now!

Mr. Russo: Well, show them in, Johnny, by all means. Show them in!

Johnny Sagpants: Yes, indeed!

[ Johnny answers the door ]

Moe Greenstein: Good evening! Excuse us for being late. May I introduce Mr. Ramone Diarga himself! [ Diarga shakes hands with Russo ]

Mr. Russo: Very, very pleased to meet you!

Moe Greenstein: I’m Moe Greenstein, Mr. Diargo’s personal interpretor and backer. And you, sir, you must be Mr. Russo, I presume.

Mr. Russo: My southern hospitable pleasure and honor to meet you gentlemen and welcome you into my home! [ he shakes Greenstein’s hand ] I’d like you to meet my most… [ Diarga kisses Russo’s hand ] trusted manservant, friend and consultant — Johnny Sagpants! [ Johnny nods ] Been with me for thirty years! Johnny, whiskey, please! Gentlemen, please be seated, please sit down here! How about we start with some, uh, Royal Five Card Draw — $1,000 limit, three raises.

[ they all sit at the poker table ]

Moe Greenstein: Well… thise raises sound pretty steep, sir.

Mr. Russo: Mmm-hmm…

[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]

Moe Greenstein: Mr. Diarga says that it’ll be fine with him.

Mr. Russo: Good. Good, good! Well, permit me to have the honor of toasting your visit to out fair city here! [ they stand and toast their glasses ] The honor of the first deal, sir, will go to you.

[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent, as Greenstein mumbles back ]

Mr. Russo: You know, Mr. Diarga, everything in the south of the great nation is indeed an honor! And it is indeed an honor to extend the courtesy to honorable and distinguished gentlemen from the fine, fine nation of Europe! Yesirree! Five Card Draw — a gentlemen’s poker game!

Moe Greenstein: And I know Mr. Diarga agrees with you.

[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]

Moe Greenstein: He says that it is HIS honor to be honored by your hospitable generosity, Your Honor.

Mr. Russo: Well, I am indeed honored.

[ Diarga deals the cards between himself and Russo, then adds the remaining deck to his hand of cards ] [ Johnny taps Russo on the shoulder ]

Mr. Russo: Uh — excuse me, excuse me, please! [ to Johnny ] Don’t bother me, Johnny, I’ve got something coming my way here. [ to Diarga ] Uh, you’ve got all the cards in your hand. I believe that’s, uh, that’s not correct, sir. I mean, uh, you have all the…

[ Greenstein mumbles to Diargara in an incomprehensible foreign accent, as Diarga responds in kind ]

Moe Greenstein: Oh. Mr. Diarga apologizes, sir. He’s used to the European custom, on the first hand, to hold all the cards if you’re dealing.

Mr. Russo: [ laughing ] Ah! Well, we’ll call it a misdeal! [ Diarga collects all the cards so thet can start over ] I understand you are gentlemen of honor, I’m a gentleman of honor, this was done with honor! You’re a SCHOLAR of honor — [ Diarga grabs one stack of Russo’s stakes ] And wait just a minute now! I believe this belongs to ME!

Moe Greenstein: That’s another custom, sir. It’s a trifle. It’s a custom.

Mr. Russo: Ah! Another custom!

Moe Greenstein: It’s a custom.

[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent, as Greenstein mumbles back ]

Mr. Russo: Well, I accept it with honor. [ Diarga deals the cards ] Yes, indeed. You know, my great-grandfather, David Benoit, was involved in affairs in France, but, uh, he never actually, uh, took me over here, but I knew, uh, except — [ Diarga peeks at Russo’s cards ] Excuse me! Y-y-y-you just looked at my cards, Mr. Diarga! Now, please, I’m afraid you can’t do that!

[ Greenstein and Diarga mumble back and forth to one another in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]

Moe Greenstein: [ to Russo, in all seriousness ] You don’t play Dealer’s Look in this country?

Mr. Russo: [ confused ] “Dealer’s Look”? Why, I-I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that.

[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]

Moe Greenstein: Once again, sir, Mr. Diarga apologizes and HONORS you with the taking of your stakes in a show of good faith and honor.

[ Diarga collects Russo;s stacks of stakes ]

Mr. Russo: [ more confused ] The taking of my stakes, sir?

Moe Greenstein: Ohhhh, yes. The taking of the stakes. It’s an honor seldom even in the European capitols of your nation.

Mr. Russo: Well!

Moe Greenstein: Once, at Buckingham Palace. You know, sir, Mr. Diarga genuinely respects you, Mr. Russo.

Mr. Russo: Hmm… [ Diarga rises for a toast ] Yes, indeed! Yes, indeed! [ he stands ] [ Diarga mumbles his toast in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]

Moe Greenstein: Mr. Diarga says that he has NEVER encouraged such graciousness and hospitality as New Orleans hosptiality, and that you, sir, are a true-blooded gentleman of great honor! and he says that he will take more stakes — in your honor, sir!

[ Diarga collects more of Russo’s stakes ]

Johnny Sagpants: Mr. Russo, this is ridiculous!

Mr. Russo: Never mind, Johnny. Just get me some more stakes and a few more whiskeys.

Johnny Sagpants: Mr, Russo, man, he is busting your chops!

Mr. Russo: [ sitting down ] Uh — uh — hold it, hold it here! Let’s play a different game, alright? Just for a little variety’s sake. [ he chuckles ] Okay? We’ll just call this a misdeal, shall we?

[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]

Moe Greenstein: Mr. Diarga wants to know if you will continue to give him the honor of the first deal?

Mr. Russo: Why, certainly! Certainly! I’d be quite pleased to! Pleased to.

[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent, then picks Up Russo’s stakes and hands them to Greenstein ]

Moe Greenstein: Uh — he thanks you once again, sir, and he honors you with the giving… of the stakes. This is where he takes your stakes, and he gives them to me — for which I am DEEPLY honored, sir, for your fine Southern hospitality, and I wish to thank you myself, Mr. Russo!

Mr. Russo: Whyyyyy… you’re most welcome! How about a little Blackjack? Maybe I can recoup a bit of my losses here.

[ Greenstein mumbles to Diarga in an incomprehensible foreign accent ] [ Diarga nods, then deals the cards — one facedown to Russo, one facedown to himself; one facedwon to Russo, one face up for himself; then one each face-up for both of them ]

Mr. Russo: Uh, begging your pardon — but I believe you’re supposed to deal one down and one up. Is that not the correct procedure?

[ Diarga and Greenstein mumble to each other in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]

Moe Greenstein: Mr. Diarga apologizes once again, sir, for the mistake, and he drinks to you with both his own AND with your drink.

[ Diarga chugs both drinks ]

Mr. Russo: [ stunned ] Why, I — I am naturally honored, sir! Naturally, I’m honored. [ Diarga grabs more of russo’s stakes and pockets his playing cards ] Uh — excuse me there. I think, uh — well, I —

Johnny Sagpants: [ coming in early ] Hey, wait a minute! That’s Mr. Russo’s cards you got, isn’t it?

Mr. Russo: Uh — yes. Yes.

Ramone Diarga: [ confused ] Blackjack?

Mr. Russo: Ante it up here! [ Diarga deals the cards ] BLACKJACK!! Yes!

Ramone Diarga: Blackjack! [ he deals more cards to Russo ]

Mr. Russo: Wait a minute! I had a Blackjack there!

Moe Greenstein: Sir!

Johnny Sagpants: Wait a minute! Now you’re hitting Mr. Russo’s cards!

Moe Greenstein: Sir! Excuse me. In Europe, the expression “Blackjack” means “Hit me! Give me another card.”

Ramone Diarga: [ still throwing down cards ] Blackjack! Blackjack!

Moe Greenstein: Once again, Mr. Diarga is deeply ashamed and humbled by misunderstanding the New Orleans Blackjack rules.

Mr. Russo: Well! I’m sure it was a misunderstanding with honor, and if that’s okay with —

Moe Greenstein: With HONOR!

Mr. Russo: HONOR!

Moe Greenstein: With honor, sir!

Mr. Russo: We’ll call it a misdeal, and you can just give me back my stake there, if you would, please. Please, sir! Please!

[ Russo grabs for his stakes, but Diarga pushes him back ]

Moe Greenstein: No, no. Mr. Russo…

[ Diarga mumbles in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]

Mr. Russo: Please!

Moe Greenstein: The Count — Diarga — says that you are the most accomodating and hospitable gentleman the world has ever known, sir. And that it would be the GREATEST insult for you to take any money back from him.

Mr. Russo: Uh, well — fine. That’s done with honor! Done with honor! [ he clears his throat ]

Moe Greenstein: He would like another drink, and he says that you are very handsome fellow and he’d like to meet your wife immediately.

Mr. Russo: Well, I — I don’t have a wife. My wife is long since DEAD.

[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent, as Greenstein responds ]

Moe Greenstein: In that case, he no longer wishes to meet your wife, uh, and he publicly mourns her and, uh, it’s a great custom in Europe, and privately we feel that we should, uh, return to the hotel and mourn privately.

Mr. Russo: Well! I am indeed IMPRESSED by your gallantry and honor, mourning my wife! [ Diarga and Greenstein collect all the stakes ] I don’t know what to say, except show these gentlemen to the door, please! Please, Johnny! I’m TOUCHED by this show of affection for someone you did not know. I — I — I — I’m very pleased!

[ Diarga and Greenstein grab a pair of candleabras ]

Moe Greenstein: Sir, you’re a most honorable gentleman, it was a privilege to play with you, sir!

Mr. Russo: [ breaking into tears ] I take this as the greatest gesture of honor — indeed, a gesture of honor here and now!

Ramone Diarga: So long, thanks a lot.

[ Diarga and Greenstein exit ]

Johnny Sagpants: Mr. — Mr. — Mr. Russo! Did you hear that? He spoke English!

Mr. Russo: [ sobbing ] Yes, I know! He even took the courtesy to learn the language!

[ Johnny rolls his eyes ] [ dissolve to audience zoom upon woman, with SUPER: “Who Are We To Judge This Person?” ] [ fade ]

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SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge


…..Kris Kristofferson

Kris Kristofferson: Hi! I just want to thank all the people who let us be on this show, with all the crazy people that work on it. They got one of the greatest studio bands there probably is anywhere — and I got one of the best bands, too! [ the audience cheers and applauds ] Hey! It’s such a DAMN pleasure to work any place where you got any real imagination working, and I got a great band and some great girls back there working with me, too. God bless, y’all! Thank you very much!

[ as the credits begin to roll, the cast climbs up to join Kristogfferson on Home Base ]

Announcer: Hi, this is Dan Aykroyd, one of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, inviting you to watch the Beach Boys Special on NBC on Thursday, August 5th. Some of us from “Saturday Night” were involved in the production, and you’ll be neatly surprised. “Sam-son, Sam-son, Sam-son…” and more! Watch The Beach Boys — Thursday, August 5th on NBC. Thanks a lot. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: The Last Voyage of the Starship Enterprise

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

The Last Voyage of the Starship Enterprise

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Mr. Spock…..Chevy Chase
Captain Kirk…..John Belushi
Mr. Sulu…..Akira Yoshimura
Lt. Uhura…..Doris Powell
Voice of Mr. Scott…..Dan Aykroyd
Dr. McCoy…..Dan Aykroyd
Herb Goodman…..Elliot Gould
Curtis…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: The following program is brought to you in livingcolor by NBC.

Mr. Spock: Captain Kirk to the bridge! Captain Kirk to the bridge!

Captain Kirk: Yes, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: Sensors are picking up an unidentified vessel, Captain, headed straight for us.

Captain Kirk: Range, Mr. Sulu?

Mr. Sulu: .43 light years, sir, and closing fast.

Captain Kirk: Lt. Uhura, open a hailing frequency.

Lt. Uhura: I’ve been trying to reach them, but there’s been noresponse, sir.

Captain Kirk: [ into microphone ] This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Identify yourself. [ to Uhura ] Put them on the viewscreen, full magnification.

Lt. Uhura: Aye aye, sir.

Captain Kirk: [ into microphone ] Repeat. Identify yourself.[ viewscreen shows a maroon 1968 Chrysler limo flying behind them ] What kind of ship is that, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: Fascinating, Captain. It would appear to be an earlygas combustion vehicle, at least two or three hundred years old.

Captain Kirk: Run it through the computer. Find out what thoselittle numbers mean. I want answers.

Mr. Spock: Process visual feed. Analyze and reply.

Captain Kirk: I have a hunch, Mr. Spock, that we are about to face a menace more terrifying than the flying parasites of Ingraham B; more insidious than the sand-bats of Manark 4; more bloodthirsty than the vampire clouds of Argus 10. I have a hunch that “thing” out there is deadlier than the Romulans, the Klingons, and the Gorns all rolled into one.

Mr. Spock: Here is the readout, Captain. The computer has identified the alien vessel as a 1968 Chrysler Imperial with a tinted windshield and retractable headlights.

Captain Kirk: And the little blue and orange numbers?

Mr. Spock: That’s called a “California license plate”, and it’sregistered, or was in 1968, to a corporation known as “NBC”. Wait.. there’s something more.. The computer isn’t sure, but it thinks this NBC used to manufacture cookies.

Captain Kirk: Could that be some sort of illusion, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: It’s no illusion, Captain. Scanner readings indicate two life forms inside that craft.

Captain Kirk: Mr. Sulu, increase speed to Warp Factor Eight.

Mr. Sulu: But, sir, that’s only for the most extreme emergencies. The ship can’t take it.

Captain Kirk: You heard my order, Mr. Sulu.

Mr. Sulu: Aye aye, sir.

Captain Kirk: [ recording Log ] Captain’s Log, Stardate 3615.6. On a routine delivery of medical supplies to Earth Colony 9, we are being chased through space by an automobile three centuries old, owned by a company that manufactured cookies. It would all seem silly if it weren’t for this feeling of dread that haunts me, a sense of impending doom.

Mr. Sulu: They’re right behind us, Captain.

Captain Kirk: Let’s lose them, Mr. Sulu. Prepare for evasive action. Helm hard to port! ..Hard to starboard! ..Hard to port!

Mr. Spock: Frankly, Captain, I’m exhausted.

Captain Kirk: Me, too. Stabilize, Mr. Sulu.

Mr. Sulu: Look, Captain, it’s no use. We can’t shake them.

Captain Kirk: Then we’ll give them a fight they won’t forget. [ into intercom ] All hands! Man your battle stations! This is not a drill! Red alert! Man your battle stations! Red alert!

Mr. Spock: But, Captain..

Captain Kirk: Lock phasers on target, Mr. Sulu.

Mr. Sulu: Phasers locked on target, sir.

Mr. Spock: But, Captain, you can’t..

Captain Kirk: Stand by to fire.

Mr. Sulu: Phasers standing by, sir.

Mr. Spock: But, Captain, we don’t know who the aliens are, or what they want. To kill them without warning would be highly illogical.

Captain Kirk: Fact: their intentions are unknown. Fact: I amresponsible for the lives of 430 crewmen. And, fact: I can’t afford totake any chances. Fire main phasers! [ nothing happens ] I said, “Fire main phasers!”

Mr. Sulu: I’m trying, sir. Nothing is happening.

Captain Kirk: Arm and lock photon torpedoes, Mr. Sulu.

Mr. Sulu: They’re not working either, Captain.

Captain Kirk: Deflectors up.

Mr. Sulu: Captain, the helm does not respond. The controlsare dead.

Mr. Spock: We’re slowing down, Captain. We’re stopping.

Captain Kirk: Bridge to engine room, acknowledge.

Voice of Mr. Scott: [ through control panel ] Scotty here, Captain.

Captain Kirk: What in blazes is going on, Scotty?

Voice of Mr. Scott: I dinna know, Captain. We’re losing power, and I don’t know why!

Captain Kirk: Well, do something, man! Go to manual override. Cut in auxilery systems.

Voice of Mr. Scott: Saints preserve us, Captain, but even theemergency systems are out.

Captain Kirk: Well, fix it, Scotty. I don’t care how, but fix it! The lives of 430 crewmen hang in the balance.

Mr. Spock: Life support system are still operative, Captain.

Captain Kirk: But for how long, Mr.Spock? For how long?Lieutenant Uhura, inform Starfleet Command of our situation.

Lt. Uhura: All communications are dead, Captain.

Dr. McCoy: Jim, Jim.. I.. I.. Jim..

Captain Kirk: Great God, man, spit it out!

Dr. McCoy: The aliens have boarded us, Jim, and they’re headed this way!

Captain Kirk: But how, Bones? How did they get on board? Did they beam on? Did they suddenly materialize?

Dr. McCoy: No, they just sort of stepped out from behind thecurtains.

Mr. Spock: Describe them, Doctor.

Dr. McCoy: There’s two of them. Bipeds, humanoid in appearance.Their clothing is drab except for a bright piece of cloth worn around the neck of the leader.

Mr. Spock: Was their anything else odd about their clothing?

Dr. McCoy: I’m a doctor, not a tailor, dammit! Wait, there was one other thing about them that seemed a bit strange. They spoke English! Quick, Jim, I hear them coming up the Turbo-lift! They’ll be here in seconds!

Captain Kirk: We’ll be ready for them, Doctor. [ they all pointtheir phasers at the entranceway as two executives enter ] Welcome aboard the Starship Enterprise. I’m Captain James T. Kirk, representing the United Federation of Planets.

Herb Goodman: Hi, I’m Herb Goodman, head of programming for thenetwork.

Captain Kirk: Stand back, I won’t hesitate to shoot!

Herb Goodman: Can I have your attention. Curtis, you want to turn off those sound effects?

Curtis: Sure thing. [ turns sound effects off ]

Herb Goodman: Everyone, please, can I have your attention? I have an announcement to make. Due to low Nielsen ratings, we at NBC have decided to cancel “Star Trek”.

Captain Kirk: Fire at my command!

Herb Goodman: On your way out, stop by the cashier’s office andpick up your checks.

Captain Kirk: Set phasers on “stun.” Fire!

Dr. McCoy: They’re not firing, Jim!

Captain Kirk: Try “kill!”

Dr. McCoy: Nope, still nothing.
Herb Goodman: You’ll make sure the property department gets those things back ,won’t you, fellas?

Mr. Spock: Most peculiar, Captain.. I can only conclude that they possess some sort of weapons deactivator, in which case I shall merely render him unconcious with my famous Vulcan nerve pinch.

Herb Goodman: Of course, if it was up to me, you could keep them – as souvenirs, give them to your kids, whatever.. But you see, they’re planning to market a complete line of Trekkie merchandise, and I have to send these to Taiwan to be copied.. [ Mr. Spock applies the Vulcan nerve pinch, but Goodman misinterprets his action ] ..Isn’t that fabric something? You just can’t buy material like this in the States. No way! But I was lucky enough to find this great little tailor who flies in from London four times a year.. oh, Nimoy, we’ll need those ears back, too, I’m afraid. [ pulls Spock’s rubber ears off ]

Dr. McCoy: For God’s sake, man, we’re on a five-year mission toexplore space, the final frontier, and dammit, we’ve only been out three years!

Herb Goodman: Sorry, but it’s those Nielsens. If it was up tome, of course..

Captain Kirk: What are these “Nielsens” that the alienkeeps mentioning, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: If I remember my history correctly, Captain, Nielsenswere a primitive system of estimating television viewers once used in the mid-twentienth century.

Dr. McCoy: If Man were meant to fly, he’d have better ratings, is that what you’re saying, Mr. Goodbody, whatever your name is? Come on, George, Nichelle.. let’s go tie one on.

Lt. Uhura: I’m with you, Kelley.

Mr. Sulu: Maybe I’ll just go home..

Captain Kirk: Belay that kind of talk, Dr. McCoy.

Dr. McCoy: Forget it, Bill. We lost. It’s over. Are you coming, Leonard? [ Spock attempts nerve pinch on Dr. McCoy ] Knock it off, you joker!

Captain Kirk: Wait, Mr. Spock! We have yet to try Vulcan mind meld, where you actually enter the alien’s brain, merge with his intelligence and read his thoughts.

Mr. Spock: I entered Mr. Goodman’s mind while you were talking to Dr. McCoy, Captain. [ Curtis enters and pries the set apart with a crowbar ] It was all.. all dark and empty in there. And.. and there were little mice in the corners and spiders had spun this web..

Captain Kirk: Spock!

Mr. Spock: I kept bumping my head on the ceiling, and once..

Captain Kirk: Snap out of it, Spock!

Mr. Spock: [ with a shudder ] It’s okay, Captain.. I’m alright now.

Herb Goodman: What do you think, Curtis? Any chance we can sell this junk to “Lost in Space”?

Curtis: Well, it all comes apart..

Captain Kirk: Hey, get away from there!

Curtis: Right on, Buck Rogers! Is that an order?

Captain Kirk: No, it can’t end like this! I won’t let it! This is my ship! I give the orders here! I give the commands! I am responsible for the lives of 430 crewmen, and I’m not going to let them down! There’s got to be a way out!

Curtis: Let’s go, boys.

[ a group of NBC stagehands enter and begin to dismantle the set ]

Mr. Spock: You are becoming quite emotional, Captain. Needless to say, my trained Vulcan mind finds such open displays of emotion distasteful. Emotion, you see, intereferes with logic, and it is only by dealing with problems in a logical, scientific fashion that we can arrive at valid solutions. Now, with regard to the alien takeover of the Enterprise, I would suggest that we seek some new alternative, based upon exact computer analysis, of course, and taking into consideration elements of.. [ suddenly breaks into a weeping lunatic ] ..Oh, God! I don’t believe it! We’re cancelled! How could they do this? Everyone I know loves the show! I have a contract! What about my contract! I want my ears back!

Herb Goodman: Curtis, can you give me a hand here?

Curtis: I have a couple Valium in my tool box, maybe that’ll help.

[ Spock exits the set ]

Captain Kirk: So, it’s just me, is it? Well, I’ve been in tougher spots. Surrender? No way. I’d rather go down with the ship!

Herb Goodman: Oh, Shatner, your agent called you. Something about a margarine commercial. He said he’d call back.

Captain Kirk: Captain’s Log, final entry. We have tried to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. And except for one television network, we have found intelligent life everywhere in the galaxy. Live long and prosper. Captain James T. Kirk, SC 937-0176 CEC.

[ camera zooms out to show Captain Kirk/William Shatner sitting alone in what is revealed to be an empty TV studio. Further zoom out reveals studio cameras, boom mikes and technicians. Fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: Gynecologist Blind Date

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Gynecologist Blind Date

Judy…..Jane Curtin
Gynecologist…..Kris Kristofferson

[In her apartment, Judy sits on the sofa and talks onthe phone.]

Judy: Margie, listen, he’s in the bathroom so I’ve gotto talk fast. Okay, remember how Eileen said that thiswould be the greatest blind date of my life — he’scute, he’s fun, he’s a doctor? He’s my gynecologist…. Because she never told me his last name, that’swhy! … Well, nothing’s happened so far except hesaid my pap test came out okay. … Well, I don’tknow, it’s just so awkward. I mean, the last time Isaw his face, it was coming up between my knees. …It’s embarrassing. I just don’t know if I can gothrough– [a door opens] I gotta get off — he’scoming. [quickly hangs up, pretends to read amagazine]

Gynecologist: [enters] Well, “Silent Movie” comes onat eight o’clock and, uh, “The Omen” — it might bea–

Judy: I-I-I-I, um, I don’t think I can go through withthis.

Gynecologist: What?

Judy: Going out with you. Going out with mygynecologist.

Gynecologist: Why? [joins Judy on sofa]

Judy: Well … because … I don’t even know whatmovie we’re seeing yet and you’ve already gotten tothird base.

Gynecologist: Hey, uh, Judy, all I did was perform aprofessional service for ya, just like an accountant.It’s like, it’s like if you were datin’ youraccountant.

Judy: Hey, I wouldn’t mind if you’d seen the inside ofmy checkbook.

Gynecologist: Look, let’s talk about somethin’ else,change the subject. That’s a great lookin’ shirt yagot on.

Judy: Well, are you sure? You’ve never seen me inanything but white paper. Hey, doesn’t it ever get toyou? I mean, knowing that you’ve seen the inside of my…

Gynecologist: Judy, I see these things all the time.

Judy: Well, that’s the difference. To you, they’re”these things.” To me, they’re MY things.

Gynecologist: Now, I didn’t mean it that way. It’sjust like if– I mean, imagine lookin’ at thirty orforty “things” a day, you know? Uh, if you can’t– Ifyou’re worryin’ about what I remember about yours, youknow, I can’t even remember which one it was.

Judy: You can’t?

Gynecologist: Promise.

Judy: That is a relief.

Gynecologist: Whew. [Judy sighs] Well, if you want tosee “Silent Movie,” we ought to go right now.

Judy: You really can’t remember … one thing?

Gynecologist: Uh uh. Uh uh.

Judy: Not even about the, uh, other half?

Gynecologist: Well, who could forget those, darlin’?Ha ha! Jokin’, of course, I’m only kidding, you see.

Judy: Oh.

Gynecologist: Hey, wait a minute. Are you mad becauseI DON’T remember, now?

Judy: Oh! No-ho-ho-ho! It’s wonderful to know that theman who probably has the most intimate contact withyour body can’t remember one thing.

Gynecologist: Good God, Judy, I’m a doctor. I can’tthink of my patients sexually. I have to think of ’emobjectively.

Judy: Sure.

Gynecologist: Well, you know what? You know what youare? You’re thinkin’ like everybody else thinks. Youthink it was a choice for me of either bein’ agynecologist or some dirty old man in an all-nightmovie with a newspaper on my lap. It was not thatchoice. Do you know what it was like for me in school?All my friends made me write down everything I saw sothey could read it in the bathroom later. And theother residents, man, they thought THEY were workin’but I was gettin’ a little.

Judy: Well?

Gynecologist: Well, every time I went out on a date,any woman that I was ever out with eventually gotaround to asking why I was ever interested in bein’ agynecologist and, uh, did I think about it a lot whenI was a little boy? Did I want to be one then? Did Ihave bad thoughts? You know, DO I have bad thoughts,you know?

Judy: [perhaps a little hopeful] Do ya?

Gynecologist: Doesn’t everybody? You do, admit it.

Judy: Well, I don’t think that I necessarily–

Gynecologist: All the time you have bad thoughts! Comeon, you could be havin’ ’em right now. Look at the wayyou cross your legs.

Judy: Well, no, I–

Gynecologist: In fact, that’s probably why you startedthis whole damn thing — you’re tryin’ to get in myknickers. I’m teasin’.

Judy: It’s not that I haven’t noticed you. I – I haveoccasionally peeked over the sheet — once.

Gynecologist: [laughs] Aha! You see, we’re gettin’down to the nitty gritty. [decides to confess] Hey,you wanna– If it’ll make you feel better, you know–Nobody ever got fixed up with their gynecologist byaccident. I felt funny about this thing and somebodyfixed us up — for me. That’s all.

Judy: Do you mean that?

Gynecologist: Yeah. When you was peekin’ over thesheet, I was peekin’ under it. [takes her hand] Hey,can we be friends about it?

Judy: Yeah.

Gynecologist: Can we go to the movies?

Judy: Yeah.

Gynecologist: Let’s get out.

[Holding hands, they rise and go to the door. He opensit for her. Halfway out the door, Judy stops and turnsto him, very pleased.]

Judy: You DID notice.

[She turns, head held high, and exits. He follows herout, shutting the door behind him. We pan across theempty room and off the set to the applauding audience.A superimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT… PIGGY BANKSFOR SWINE FLU VACCINE.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
Audrey Peart Dickman…..Jane Curtin
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] That’s silly — everybody makes noise. Everybody reacts differently. So what if you happen to laugh? That’s not a — [ he looks up to see the camera ] I gotta go! [ he hangs up ]

Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and so are you!

Our top story tonight: Cuban premier Fidel Castro announced that he is pulling out of Angola. A frustrated Angola could not be reached for comment.

Jimmy Carter and his wife Rosalynn, in an effort to dramatize the solidarity of their marriage, had themselves epoxied together at the cheeks.

Also on the campaign trail: Trailing in the primaries, Morris Udall made a last-ditch effort at vote-getting by showing the crowd that he can lift a chair.

Well, Ohio representative Wayne Hayes, shown here holding up nothing, submitted his relationship with a $14,000 a year secretary. Sources report that Hayes, after doing soem quick arithmatic, commented, “$14,000 a year? I thought it was $38 a night.”

[ as the Chromakey slide changes, revealing a naked woman with exposed nipple, Chevy quickly jumps up to cover the nipple with his hand ]Sorry about this here…

The woman in question, Elizabeth Ray, posing here for a Girls of Washington layout in Playboy Magazine, September, reportedly told the press: “I can’t use a typewriter. I don’t know an “L” from an “R”, and, after all, this is an election season.”

[ Chevy sits, as the slide changes a photo of a couple ]

Well… nobody really cares any more!

The West Point Cheating Scandal has reached such large proportions, that the academy is considering changing its honor code rather than expelling hundreds of West Point cadets. The honor code now states that a cadet will not lie, steal or cheat. The new code being proposed states that a cadet will not lie or steal.

Well, Air Bulgaria, today, proudly unveiled its new supersonic transport plane, designed to compete with the Concorde now in service. The craft will fly at twice the speed of sound — if they can get it inside a Concorde.

At the University of Nevada, Frank Sinatra received a double honor this week: He was named Doctor of Humane Letters, and also the winner of this year’s Mickey rooney Look-alike Contest.

Boston Bruin Bobby Orr, the superstar defenseman, announced that he will give up hockey to enter in the freestyle diving event in the ’76 Olypmics. He is shown here executing a perfect swan dive into solid ice.

Former Vice-President Spiro Agnew took time out from his new promotional tour this week to attend a masquerade party given in his honor. Agnew is shown here before he decided on his costume.

Chevy Chase: This just in: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. More on that story later.

Still to come: Gerald Ford buys an alarm clock, after this message.

[ dissolve to Vibramatic ad ] [ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: United Nation Secretary Kurt Waldheim said today that Syria, Lebanon, Greece, India and Lithuania.

Heavyweight champ Mohammed Ali knocked out a six-year-old First Grade girl in Ohio today. It only took him one left jab. The girl is reported in serious condition in a nearby hospital.

While the city of Montreal, Canada, readies itself for the upcoming Summer Olympics, teams over much of the world are practicing day and night for the games. Reporting on one such team is correspondent Jacqueline Carlin in Latvia.

[ dissolve to black-and-white footage ]

V/O: The Latvians have yet to win a gold medal in the Olympic competition. Critics say this may be a result of shoddy training, lack of equipment, and little knowledge of what may be required of them at the games. Here, the co-ed teammates are shown passing balls over their heads to each other and between their legs. Perhaps the most interesting contest for this spirited team is the dance around the duckpins ritual, during which members of the same group actually dance around duckpins, trying to force the teammates closest to them to kick the duckpins over.

[ dissolve back to Chevy reporting at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: This Jacqueline… [ in his normal voice ] Carlin reporting.

Last week, “Weekend Update” presented an editorial by Gordon Flowers, objecting to the overcommercialism of America’s Bicentennial. Here, with an editorial reply, is junior chairperson of the Bicentennial Business Affairs Committee, Ms. Audrey Peart Dickman.

Audrey Peart Dickman: What’s wrong with being patriotic? In this, our Bicentennial year, too many so-called concerned citizena have been criticizing the use of the good old Red, White and Blue and other American symbols, in connection with commercial products, advertising, merchandising, and general acitivities surrounding the celebration of the birth of this great country. [ Chevy beginsto make mimicking facial gestures next to Audrey ] I say what’s wrong with expressing our patriotism? I’m PROUD to diaper my baby in the Stars and Stripes! [ Chevy leans over behind Audrey and sticks his tongue out in a grotesque manner ] Or to stroll on the boardwalk wearing an Old Glory leisure suit! [ Chevy makes more mimicking facial gestures, stopping just before Audrey turns to look ] Call me sentimental and old-fashioned, but it’s a thrilling rminder of our heritage to have the American Eagle stamped on my toilet tissue, so I can be reminded again and again and again… [ Chevy uses his fingers to stretch his cheeks apart and flick his tonuge at Audrey, pretending to pick his teeth when Audrey turns to look ] Have our ancestors fought that gallant battle for independence, cleansing the nation of oppressive forces: “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” become more than mere words when they appear embossed on a pizza slice into thirteen sections, as a reminder of the valiant original colonies, who stood together against oppression! [ Chevy makes more rude gestures behind Audrey, including sticking his finger in his nose and stretching his mouth apart, only to pretend to be rubbing his cheeks when she glances over ] Yes, I’ll brush my teeth with bicentennial toothpaste and gargle with “Give me liberty, or give me death” mouthwash, and I’ll feel better for it because I know I’ll TASTE like an American!

[ the audience applauds ]

Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” recognizes its responsibility to present opposing viewpoints, whenever we’re in the mood.

[ Audrey gives Chevy a dirty look ]

Chevy Chase: And now, for those of our viewers who may be Emily Litella fans, I will repeat the top story of the day aided by — who else? — Miss Emily Litella.

[ Emily Litela appears in an oval over Chevy’s shoulder ]

“Our top story tonight!”

Emily Litella: “Our flop story tonight!”

Chevy Chase: Uh, Emily? I said our “top” story.

Emily Litella: What, Cheddar?

Chevy Chase: Our “TOP” story! Not our “flop” story. Our “flop” story would be our worst story! Our “top” story would be our BEST story!

Emily Litella: Ohh. [ she smiles ] Never mind!

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a plesant tomorrow.

Emily Litella: Good morning, and how are you today? [ she smiles ] [ Chevy smiles with her ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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