Category: 1975

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 23

75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Back From Vacation

…..Gilda Radner
…..Chevy Chase
…..John Belushi
…..Garrett Morris
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman

[ open on the cast standing around on Home Base ]

Gilda Radner: Uh, Chevy, uh – I don’t think it’s that John was hurt, it’s just that he thinks you’re getting more attention than he is. You know what I mean?

Chevy Chase: [ he shrugs ] That’s not a good excuse.

Gilda Radner: Well, I know. But I don’t think he was that hurt…

Chevy Chase: [ pointing at the camera ] We’re on! we’re on the air.

[ they all look at the camera and smile ]

Chevy Chase: Well, here we are!

Gilda Radner: Back from vacation!

Chevy Chase: And we want money!

[ John Belushi enters ]

Gilda Radner: Hi, John!

John Belushi: What’s going on?

[ Belushi shakes hands with everybody, as the audience applauds enthusiastically ]

John Belushi: How’s everybody doing?

Garrett Morris: Great!

John Belushi: Yeah, yeah. I just got in from L.A. Anyhow, it’s nice to see you. Gilda, you’re so sweet. Jane! How’s Patrick doing?

Jane Curtin: [ smiling ] Just fine, just fine!

John Belushi: Danny!

Dan Aykroyd: Hi, John!

[ Belushi looks up at Chevy ]

John Belushi: Ohhh, Mr. Chase.

[ the cast looks on uncomfortably ]

Dan Aykroyd: I’ll give you a drive home, John.

John Belushi: Yeah.

Chevy Chase: How you doing? Nice suit.

John Belushi: Thanks. Listen, Chevy, uhh — I’ve been thinking about, uh, what I said and stuff, and, uh… we’ve been together a long time, we’ve been friends a long time, and I don’t think that should, you know, stop us from being friends. You know, we gotta work together, so what do you say? Huh? Let bygones be bygones?

Chevy Chase: Are you serious?

John Belushi: Yeah.

[ Chevy looks to the other cast members ]

Jane Curtin: Go on! Go on!

[ Chevy hugs Belushi ]

John Belushi: Heyyy!

[ the rest of the cast cheer them on ]

John Belushi: Hey, man, yeah!

Chevy Chase: [ holding out his hands for low-fives ] Let’s do the show, huh! [ John slaps him ten ] Alright! Now we’re talking! Alright, you’re serious about it, now, right?

[ they begin to do an elaborate seriers of high-fives — forward, backwards, kneeling, across their shoes, etc. ]

[ finally, they take it too far and begin to knock fists and punch one another playfully ]

[ Belushi punches Chevt one hard, sending him flying over a folding chair and flat onto the floor by the audience’s feet ]

Chevy Chase: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 23

75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

John Belushi’s Wardrobe

…..John Belushi

[ open on John Belushi stepping in front of green-screen projection of the “Samurai Deli” sketch ]

John Belushi: Hi! I’m John Belushi. That’s me doing the “Samurai Deli” scene. It’s a classic piece of comedy I made famous last year on “NBC’s Saturday Night”.

You know, a lot of people come up to me and say, “You have a distinctive look. How can I capture that look for myself?” Well, I’m very proud to announce, after months of work, to unveil my very personal project. I’m finally able to offer you my exclusive line of men’s clothing. I have personally selected, out of hundreds of styles and fabrics, clothes with that distinctive John Belushi style. Clothes that I made famous on “NBC’s Saturday Night”. Clothes like I’m wearing right now.

Uh, for instance — this reversible vest. [ he removes it ] You can wear it, uh, this way… or the other way. It’s got buttons on both sides, you see. Uh — this shirt. It’s a very personal shirt, it can be worn any way you like. [ he yndoes the buttons on the cuffs ] Uh, the sleeves roll down, you can roll the sleeves up like this… you see? It’s a very nice, very nice shirt. [ he loosens his collar ] You can open up the collar like this, kind of cool and breezy. I personally selected this shirt out of HUNDREDS, and I paid $12 for it. You can have it for $3. Or you can make me an offer. Right now. This shirt. Three dollars. The vest — again, uniquely Belushi. I paid $17 retail… eight bucks! Huh? Please.

The hat — [ he places a cap on his head with sunglasses ] The shades. Living trademarks of an unerpaid TV actor. Waht do you say? Five bucks! Huh? Come on! Please! I’m serious. Buy my clothes. These clothes — now! Really. I need the cash. I do. Please. Look at this shirt! This shirt’s in great condition!

Listen — if you send it soon, you can buy my albums. Really! [ he holds up rock albums ] I’ve got Cream here — Wheels of Fire, it’s a great album. I’ve got some Stones. The Doors were really something… before Jim died. I’ve got some Grand Funk — I only listened to it once. Okay. Uh — I got a lot of good ones. Moby Grape, some of The Beach Boys’ early stuff. Uh… anything you want. A lot of albums. A buck a piece. What do you say? It’s a good deal! A dollar. Huh?

I got, uh… [ he holds up a radio ] A radio! It doesn’t work… but if you’re good with your hands and you like working with electricity, uh, you could fix it! Really! Make me an offer! What do you say? Good shirt, huh? Nice shirt? You wanna buy it? Really! Listen — if you care about my career… if you care about my work… you’ll buy my shirt.

[ dissolve to address card:

JOHN BELUSHI WARDROBE
Rock Center
New York, New York” ]

Announcer: The John Belushi Wardrobe. Clothes of distinction. Only worn once.

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 23

75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Fooling Death

Inger … Louise Lasser
Sven … Chevy Chase
Death … Tom Schiller

[No music, only the sound of a loudly ticking clockheard throughout the sketch. An out-of-focus image ofa burning candle flame. We pull back and into focus toreveal that the candle rests atop a table on eitherside of which sit Sven and Inger. They stare soulfullyinto one another’s eyes as they slowly sip from mugs.Behind them, a window. A superimposed English textscrolls up from the bottom of the screen as a narratorsimultaneously reads it in mock Swedish gibberish.]

Text:
Sven is a struggling architect. He built the Svömmenplåken at Kvärkpårken in Stockholm for which he won the Knut Kvöllen Award. Lost in his work, he lives alone … the architect of his own unhappiness.

[Sven and Inger stare at one another lustfully.]

Text:
Inger works designing ceative toys for intellectual Swedish children.She was married to Torben, a brutal man who stilled the child within her. They parted. She was unhappy, yet alive for the first time.

[Sven and Inger slowly touch one another’s hands andfaces erotically.]

Text:
On a holiday in Austria, Inger met Sven on the chairlift at the Vödelsan Ski Resort. They fell in love. In Stockholm, they met secretlysharing kisses under the Östergaffel Bridge or at the new Kjölvaskashopping center Sven was designing. With the money sven made from anaccess ramp study, They planned their first vacation. They drove theirVolvo to Göteborg and then took the ferry boat to Gammel Färgspråkisland. They delighted in their love and the warm summer days.

[As the next paragraph of text scrolls by, a shadowyfigure with a pale white face appears outside thewindow behind Sven and Inger — it is Death — and heis the one narrating in Swedish. Sven and Inger turnto look at Death, then slowly wave him away. Hedeparts.]

Text:
One night, held in each other’s gaze, an apparition appeared at the window of their small rustic cabin. It was Death. “Let me in. I am death come to haunt, intimidate and make you very, very uneasy.” ThenDeath went away… soon to return.

[With Death gone, Sven and Inger return to gazing atand touching one another. Abruptly, Death returns andsits down at the table with them, still narrating inSwedish. The couple ignores him completely.]

Text:
They tried to enjoy their vacation, but were troubled by dreams, visions, and a burning desire to wash hands and faces. Once Sven was gathering nutmeats and thought he was being pursued by burning sheep. Inger was making cookies and death returned. “It is I… Death. Are you alone? Where’s Sven?” There was nothing for them to do. They both felt death’s mocking presence… watching, silently jeering. So they made love.

[Inger pulls at Sven’s lip, comically distorting it.]

Text:
And then they ordered pizza.

[Sven and Inger finally notice Death sitting besidethem.]

Inger: [to Death, casually, in plain English] Couldyou go out and pick it up for us?

[Death bows his head to her in agreement.]

Sven: [to Death, just as casually] You want the keysto the Volvo? [Death bows his head to him inagreement. Sven fishes in his pocket for the keys.] Igot ’em right here.

[Sven hands the keys to Death who, speaking mockSwedish, rises and exits as Sven and Inger return tostaring at one another. We see Death pass by thewindow outside, mumbling Swedish, as Inger puts herhands on Sven’s face. We hear the Volvo’s engine startup and the sound of the car driving away as Ingertwists and distorts Sven’s face to comical effect.]

Text: [with no accompanying narration]
So Sven and Inger fooled death. There is no pizza in Sweden.

[We slowly zoom in on the burning candle as the imagegoes out of focus.]

[dissolve to wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Walter Mondale Came Out Against The Vietnam War The Same Day Hubert Humphrey Did”]

[fade]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 23

75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Goodnights

…..Louise Lasser

[FADE to Louise kneeling at home base and petting her dog Maggie with the cast assembled behind her.]

Louise Lasser: Thank you so much, and I, I would just like to say I thank Michael Saracen for being in my movie, and I’d like to thank the Preservation Hall Jazz Band, I’d like to thank Maggie here, and, and… [gestures to cast] Look at them.

[The Not Ready for Prime Time Players stand quietly several feet away. On the far right, John Belushi fidgets with some of the clothes from his earlier sketch and completely ignores Louise. Chevy is hidden behind Laraine, and Dan Aykroyd smokes a cigarette in the far back.]

Louise Lasser: What I can I tell you? Thank you, everyone, really, thank you. [The band goes into the closing theme as everyone but Maggie applauds. While the credits start to roll, Laraine claps Louise on the shoulders while John appears to be dickering over his clothes with nearby audience members. Louise manages to make a bit of small talk with Garrett and Gilda, then turns her full attention back to Maggie. Chevy and Dan shake a few audience members’ hands.]

Don Pardo: Next week’s host on “Saturday Night” will be Kris Kristofferson, with guest Rita Coolidge. The temperature in New York is 79.5 degrees. And in your announcer, Don Pardo, it’s 98.6. And they keep telling me I’m not normal. Tune in next week, or I’ll blow up in Chicago. Good night!

[ZOOM IN on a closeup of Laraine petting Maggie, who pants cheerfully in the spotlight. CUT to the usual long shot of home base and PAN over to the balcony, where almost everyone is clapping. Close to the camera, a young woman holds up a long sheet of sprocket-feed printer paper on which “HI J” is written. She and her date see themselves on the monitor and burst into laughter. FADE OUT.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 23

75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Idi “VD” Amin

General Idi Amin…..Garrett Morris

General Idi Amin: You know, it’s too bad that venereal disease doesn’t just strike Jews, but the unfortunate fact is, anyone can get it, even nice people like you and me.

[ SUPER: “General Idi “VD” Amin” ]

Hi. I’m General Idi “VD” Amin, and I’m here to tell you about the warning signs of syphilis:

(a) The temporary appearance and subsequent disappearance of open chancre sores on your faloombwehbweh.

(b) Blindness and/or insanity.

(c) The temporary appearance and subsequent disappearance of two low-flying cargo planes and two Boeing 707 jets full of Israeli commandos on your entebbe…

And…

(d) Shrinkage of your faloombwehbweh down to the size of a flashlight. If you have any of these warning signs, don’t neglect them. I know I ignored mine for too long, but fortunately, in my case, the disease has eaten away only the weak parts of my brain, leaving the strong parts free to declare war on Kenya. Here is an X-ray of a normal brain. [ holds up X-ray of a brain ] ..and here is an X-ray of my brain. [ holds up a slice of swiss cheese ] I was lucky. You may not be so lucky. So take it from me, Idid “VD” Amin, and get yourself checked out today. I wish someone had warned me.

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “A Public Service Message from your International Syphilis Association.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 23

75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Mary Mary

…..Louise Lasser

[FADE IN on an empty stage. In the far background, Louise Lasser can be seen walking down the stairs and across to home base while the audience applauds. She is in her trademark braids, with a blue shirt and red bell-bottoms. Barefoot, she carries a pair of stocky, thick-heeled shoes in her right hand and sits cross-legged in the middle of home base. Live piano music plays softly in the background.]

Louise Lasser: I know… I’m, um… [panting] …kind of late. But I had a few things to rinse out, so… I’m gonna just, uh, sit here and put my shoes on, on the wrong foot… So here I am, I’m putting my shoes on in front of twenty-two million people at about 1:30 in the morning. Something you see every day. I’m exhausted. But, you know… Ow.

[She pulls one shoe off her right foot and lets lt lie next to her.]

Louise Lasser: But it’s funny, you know. It’s not like I’m exhausted–I mean, I don’t mean I’m exhuasted from tonight, I’m just exhausted from this year, I mean, God. What a year, huh? I mean, this has been like the most incredible year for me, I mean, so many things have happened to me, y’know, great and awful, and… How it started–Norman Lear called me up a year ago and he said to me, “I got this part for you, you know you’re gonna hate,” he said, “You want it?” So I said “No,” I mean, I’m not that stupid, y’know… So then he sent me flowers, and I said “Okay.” I said, “What’s the part?” He said, “Mary.”

[starts singing hoarsely]

Louise Lasser: “Mary… plain as any name can be…”

[Louise looks lost for a moment.]

So we started into production, and… people seemed to like the show, y’know? People would see me on the street, and they would come over and they would like kiss me, and they would hug me, and then they began to come to my house, and then they began to come to my house in cars, and they began to come to my house in buses that parked on my lawn, and, and this wasn’t quite as nice as the kissing and hugging part, so… Finally, y’know, I called this friend that I hired to guard and live in my house, because there were just so many people visiting me that… Not that I wasn’t grateful… But, so anyway, I called him and I said, “Listen, I’m really tired of people asking where they can get orangeade and then getting it for them.” So, he said fine, and then the next day, not only did he move out of my house, but he moved my house. I mean, the man stole everything in my house, I mean everything. I mean, he stole the furniture, the washer, the dryer. In one room, he actually stole the wallpaper off the wall. Which, actually, I thought showed some good taste on his part. [giggling] This “friend,” by the way, uh, is a very big fan of the shows. And I thought, “Doesn’t he realize he’s not robbing from me? He’s… he’s robbing Mary.”

[sings] “Mary… plain as any name can be…”

[soft laughter]

Louise Lasser: Oh! And then one day, I’m in Beverly Hills. I went to Beverly Hills–it was my friend’s birthday, and I decided to have a surprise party for her–and I… I just wanted to buy a great birthday present for her, so I went to this great toy store in Beverly Hills, and…

[laughter]

What a fabulous doll’s house.

[laughter and applause]

I mean, I mean, there was a room for me in there, y’know? It was just great. And then, I dunno, I think I didn’t have any of the… I didn’t have any of the right credit cards, I had credit cards, I just didn’t have any of the right credit cards. So they wouldn’t take a blank check, and then the next thing I remember there were a lot of policemen. And then I wasn’t in the toy store, I was in another building. The Municipal Building. It’s a very nice building, actually, very Thirties. [laughter] And they booked me. They booked Mary.

[sings] “Mary… plain as any name can be…”

[laughter and applause]

“But with propriety… society…”

[Louise rubs her lip and looks bewildered again.]

Louise Lasser: Okay, um, so, the next thing I know, I’m in this jail, and they’re questioning me. They took pictures of me–not great pictures, not terrible, though. I mean, not great, but I wouldn’t send them out as Christmas cards, let’s put it that way. And I found that they were less interested in autographs than they were in fingerprints. But I was very good at fingerprints, I mean really good–and there is a trick to how you do fingerprints. [demonstrates with right hand] What you have to do is, you just have to lop your finger into that ink, and you just follow through. [makes windmill motion] And I thought to myself… “What a minute. These are my fingerprints, but… they also belong to Mary.”

[piano cue]

[singing] “Mary… long before the fashion came…”

[Louise looks bewildered once again.]

Louise Lasser: [painfully] So then they threw me into this jail… cell. And I got, ah, real scared then. And I said, “Please don’t let me be in this cell all alone, don’t let me be in this cell all alone.” So what they did was, they stuck me, y’know, into a different cell, which I thought was real nice of them, y’know, that was real nice of ’em, they didn’t have to do that. They stuck me in a different kind of cell. This one had killers and hookers and rapists: y’know, my kind of people, your kind of people. Our kind of people. So I spoke to one of the hookers, who got arrested for hooking at the Hilton. And I said to her, y’know, “When you get out of here, you ever gonna do it again?” And she said, “Not at the Hilton.”

[laughter]

So then she looked me up and down and said, “Well, why you? Don’t you make enough money playing Mary?”

[piano cue]

[singing] “Mary…”

[She chuckles and grins.]

Louise Lasser: So then I got sprung, and… as we say in the “underworld…” I found I had gotten a huge amount of publicity, but I mean huge. I mean, I don’t just mean magazine covers. I mean Channels 2 through 13, at six o’clock, eleven o’clock, and right before they played the National Anthem. This is the way it went, this is the way it went. It was murders, wars, me, “O say can you see…” every night. So what happened was, to protect me, the show rented a house for me. And also to protect me, what I had to do is, I had to go to work, lying in the backseat of a station wagon under a blanket for a month straight. Just like Barbra Streisand, Jack Nicholson, y’know, all the big stars do it that way.

[ripples of laughter]

But at least I had my new house. [pause] Till I got robbed in a new way. This time… he stole everything but the TV. So that night I could watch exactly how he robbed me. I watched it on the late news, followed of course by “The Star-Spangled Banner,” one of the few things I still have to look forward to. And of course, I could watch… Mary.

[piano cue]

[singing] “Mary… plain as any name can be…”

[She drops her head and appears on the verge of tears.]

[singing] “But with…” [long pause] “…propriety…”

[pause]

Louise Lasser: So that was my year pretty much, y’know? It’s just your random robberies, arrests, and stardom. And I think, “Why?” I mean, why did all this happen? And then I remember, it’s… it’s because of Mary. I mean, that’s Mary… who made me rich, famous, and a known criminal. [subdued laughter] Who put my face on the cover of “Rolling Stone,” “Ms.,” “People,” “Newsweek,” and “Crime Gazette.” Listen… she hasn’t been easy to live with, but… she’s okay. Because the truth is, if it wasn’t for Mary… you never would’ve watched Louise put her shoes on.

[ZOOM OUT as she grins and tugs on her left shoe.]

I like her.

[Audience breaks into applause as Louise remains cross-legged at home base. FADE to a long shot of her, PAN across the audience into the balcony, then FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 23

75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Louise Lasser’s Monologue

…..Louise Lasser
…..Joe Dicso
…..Gilda Radner
…..Dan Aykroyd
Land Shark/himself…..Chevy Chase

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Louise Lasser!

[ the audience cheers enthusiastically for nearly a minute ]

Lousie Lasser: Well, that’s nice! Listen, uh — this is a litle strange for me, because this is the first show I’ve done since my own show, and, uh — it’s the ONLY show I’ve done since my show. It’s the only show I’ve SEEN since my own show! [ she laughs ] And one of the reasons why I really do love this show — I mean, I loved it the first time I saw it, because it deals with stuff I like and it just sort of makes new entrees into comedy that I approve of. And it’s just, uh — also, I’ll tell you, it’s a relief to be here. Because right now, on my show, I’m having a nervous breakdown — [ the audience laughs ] Some of you may watch it. I’ve just been committed to an institution. So, tonight, I’m here, committed to you. [ she laughs ]

Now… I wish I could tell you we had a great show for you, but I can’t! [ she laughs ] Uh — no! It’s not because of the show! I mean… the staff, everyone’s great. It’s just that I’m real… tired… [ she laughs ] And they wonder why. And I’m a little scared. And, um… you’re… uh… LIVE! You know what I mean? A LIVE audience! I mean, it’s not — I mean, we don’t work in front of a live audience. [ she looks around uncomfortably ] Our audience is DEAD! [ the audience laughs ] No, it’s not that they’re dead, it’s just that they’re not there! I mean, they’re somewhere. But they’re not… there!

Uh, let me tell you how… how all this happened. Uh, how I got involved with the show is that… [ she rubs her hand over her face ] Lorne Michaels… [ she mutters something unintelligible ] So… Lorne Michaels, who’s the, uh, producer of this show, uh… called me up one day and asked if I, uh… would do the show. He called me, and he said, “I just want you to know it’s not because of, uh, “Mary Hartman” they want you to do it. I’ve always felt that you should do the show.” Evidently, he’d seen me in something on Cable TV, I don’t know… [ the audience laughs ] But, uh, I did say to him, “Listen, you know… what am I gonna do, you know? I’m not a novelist, I don’t have an act, I mean I don’t do that kind of… you know, I don’t do JOKE jokes.” And he said, “Don’t worry about it, you’re naturally funny.” So he looked down at — no! [ she laughs ] No. He said, “You’re naturally funny.” He said you just go out there and you be yourself, and you… quote… “Wing it.”

[ she pauses and looks around uncomfortably ]

So I’m winging it! [ she laughs, then looks off-camera ] What? Oh. Okay. Oh! I’m sorry. Um… So, anyway — So what I decided to do was, I decided that… uh… what I’d like to do is… I-I-I didn’t want the writers to write a story, because I don’t like, you know, contrived stuff very much. So I wanted to tell a personal story that happened to me, that I thought you might find interesting and, you know… you know… YOU KNOW! So anyway, I picked a personal story that I personally think is hilarious. Okay? [ the audience laughs ]

Now… I’m in Beverly Hills — right? [ the audience laughs ] Uh, sorry — it’s not what you think it’s gonna be! I’m in Beverly Hills… and, uh… I’m getting into a cab. I’m going to meet, um, my good friend Jack Nicholson for lunch. [ she stops, points toward the cue card ] I’m sorry, that should be “new” friend. “My new friend…” Let me explain something to you. They use cue cards. I’m not used to cue cards, okay? So they have on the cue card — it says right here, you can see it. It says, uh… “My good friend Jack Nicholson…” when it should be “My new friend…” And it’s not Jack Nicholson, I don’t know Jack Nicholson. Anyway, uh… here is my personal story on cue cards, and Jack Nicholson is in it. So, I-I-I don’t know… [ she stops ] I am tired. [ she laughs ] Right now, I really am tired. [ she stops, drifting off to soem unknown place ] I’m sorry… [ she looks around the stage ] I’m sorry… um… what? [ she looks toward the camera ] Oh! Listen. Let me explain something to you. This is, uh, live TV, which I’m not really used to. Um… um… I’m scared of that. [ the audience laughs ] I don’t think that’s funny. No, I really don’t. And I know, like you — I-I-I — really, honestly, I am scared. I mean, I think you’d be scared if you were standing up here. And i’m really scared, and I know you’re probably a little… scared for me right now. I mean, I — I — [ she turns around ] Oh. [ she looks around confused ] Uh — let me tell you something. Uh — they did tell me that this might happen, and, um… [ she looks around, more confused ] They said that it — that when — [ she keeps looking around ] this kind of thing happens, that it will all come — it WILL all come together! You know?

[ Lasser looks around, more and more confused, then runs off Home Base and across the studio ]

Joe Dicso: Louise! Louise, we’re on the air!

[ Lasser runs into the hall and begins crying ]

Gilda Radner: Louise? What’s the matter?

[ Lasser runs past Gilda, crying, then rushes into her dressing room while mumbling incoherently ]

Gilda Radner: Louise! Louise, it’s me — Gilda!

Lousie Lasser: Oh, Gilda, what am I gonna do! I messed up the whole show! I didn’t know what to do! I couldn’t help it!

Gilda Radner: No, you didn’t — you didn’t mess it up yet! You —

Lousie Lasser: I messed it up and I just can’t DO it right! I mean, I just can’t

Gilda Radner: Yeah, we’ll help you! You know, we’ve done a whole bunch of shows, we can — What’s the matter, you have cramps? We’ll help you, Louise.

[ Dan Aykroyd approaches from the hall ]

Lousie Lasser: Just leave me alone! If you just leave me alone for a few minutes, I think I’ll be fine, I’ll be out, okay?

[ Gilda steps away, as Dan dons sunglasses and takes over ]

Dan Aykroyd: Miss Lasser? Louie P. Stylo, probation officer, County of Los Angeles, State of California! You, uh — you left the sight of a private desert in Los Angeles, Louise, and I gotta come up to you right now, okay? We’ll just clear it up right now, and then you can go on with the show and everything else.

Lousie Lasser: DAN! Could you just stop it, I know your voice!

Dan Aykroyd: LOUISE, I CAN GIVE YOU AUTOMOTIVE PARTS!! I have TIRES… I have all kinds of things at BARGAIN PRICES!

Lousie Lasser: Dan, this is NOT funny! This is very DANGEROUS for me at this moment in time, okay?

Dan Aykroyd: [ stepping away ] Alright, she’s not gonna come out of there… Hey! I gotta go up through the roof.

[ “Jaws” music begins to play, as the Land Shark’s head appears in the frame ]

[ Chevy Chase’s hand emerges from the shark’s mouth and knocks on the door ]

Lousie Lasser: Who is it?

Land Shark: Mrs. Laff — Laff — Mrs. Lasser?

Lousie Lasser: What?

Land Shark: Telegram!

Lousie Lasser: From whom?

Land Shark: [ he clears his throat ] Candy — Candygram, Ma’am!

Lousie Lasser: Who is this?

Land Shark: Half a gram.

Lousie Lasser: What?

Land Shark: Uh — Braidmaker, Ma’am. Uh, here to do your braids.

Lousie Lasser: I really don’t need any braids. Could you please leave me alone? I just need to REST here for a few minutes. That’s all!

Land Shark: Cover of Time Magazine?

Lousie Lasser: What?

Land Shark: Cover of Time!

Lousie Lasser: I’ll be right out.

[ the Land Shark backs out of frame, as Lasser slowly opens the door and emerges ]

Lousie Lasser: Did someone say the cover of Time?

[ Chevy Chase appears as himself ]

Chevy Chase: Yeah.

Lousie Lasser: What do I have to do to get the cover of Time?

Chevy Chase: Uhhh — read this. [ he holds up a cue card ]

Lousie Lasser: [ reading ] “We’ll be right back.” [ confused ] That’s what I have to do to get the cover of Time?

Chevy Chase: That’s it.

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 23

75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Teen Talk

Gilda … Gilda Radner
Jane … Jane Curtin

[Teenaged Jane sits lengthwise on a living room sofa,eating crackers and peanut butter. Her teen friendGilda enters, struggling to carry a huge tray of foodwhich she sets awkwardly on the coffee table in frontof the sofa. Jane picks at the food throughout thesketch.]

Gilda: Okay, Jane, that’s all my mom had left in thefridge.

Jane: That’s it?

Gilda: Yeah, well, the whole family’s on a diet.[joins Jane on the sofa] Move yer feet over. So, uh,what’d you let him, uh, get last night? A three or afour?

Jane: I can’t remember which is which. How’s it go?

Gilda: A three is over your shirt. A four is underyour shirt, over the bra. So which was it, a three ora four?

Jane: Five.

Gilda: Five? On the third date? You mean you let himhave a five? Oh, God.

Jane: I had to! Otherwise, he would have known I waswearing a padded bra.

Gilda: Oh, God.

Jane: Well, look, it’s embarrassing enough that youknow. You know what’s worse? Gym class. Do you knowhow long it takes to change underneath your slip? Andthat’s in front of girls.

Gilda: Why don’t you just stuff cotton in your bra andthen when – when he starts gettin’ romantic, you couldjust excuse yourself and go to the ladies’ room andtake it out?

Jane: How am I going to go to the ladies’ room in acemetery?

Gilda: Cemetery?

Jane: You know! He likes to park in a cemetery. It’squiet there. Nobody bothers us.

Gilda: Cemetery? Oh, God.

Jane: I wish you’d stop saying “God” — [mimics her]”Oh, God.” ‘Specially in front of my mother. Shethinks you’re a bad influence.

Gilda: Aw, well, that’s a laugh. Especially when yaget the highest marks in school.

Jane: That’s not what I mean.

Gilda: Jane?

Jane: Yeah?

Gilda: Have you seen it?

Jane: What?

Gilda: You know … It.

Jane: No, I don’t know. What?

Gilda: You know … his, uh … Him. It. You know.

Jane: [gives her a withering look] That’s sodisgusting.

Gilda: I just want to know did you get a look at it.

Jane: I don’t want to talk about it. It’s toodisgusting.

Gilda: Come on, now. We’re supposed to be bestfriends. I – I just want to know what it’s like.

Jane: Okay, okay. … It’s not like anything.

Gilda: What do you mean it’s not like anything?

Jane: It’s just not like anything.

Gilda: How can it be not like any–? I don’t thinkyou’ve seen it.

Jane: Okay. It’s like a … It’s like a person.

Gilda: A fireman?

Jane: [can’t believe she’s so stupid] God.

Gilda: Oh, I don’t think you’ve seen anything.

Jane: You don’t have to see it.

Gilda: I thought he’d want you to.

Jane: I wouldn’t even if he wanted me to.

Gilda: You mean, you wouldn’t if he wanted you to?

Jane: No.

Gilda: Even if you were going steady?

Jane: [thinks about it] No.

Gilda: Even if he wouldn’t go steady with you anymore?

Jane: No, I wouldn’t.

Gilda: Even if he wouldn’t go steady with you any moreand he asked you to give his ring back, you stillwouldn’t?

Jane: Nope. I would– Well, maybe if– No.

Gilda: Well, I would. I’d look at it if he wanted meto.

Jane: Let me set you straight. I don’t think they wantyou to. Besides, it’s dark in a cemetery.

Gilda: Well, then you have nothing to worry about.

Jane: Why?

Gilda: [pulls a cake off the tray and picks at itthroughout the rest of the sketch] Because, um, thenhe won’t be able to, uh, to see your chest and hewon’t know how flat you really are.

Jane: What does that mean?

Gilda: It means, stupid, that things happen to feelbigger than they look, you know, like when you have apimple on your face and you keep feelin’ it andfeelin’ it and it feels like it’s really big and thenyou look in the mirror and it’s not so bad after all -just like your breasts.

Jane: It is?

Gilda: Yeah, and another thing, you better, uh, youbetter not let him see you, uh, lyin’ down on yourback.

Jane: Why?

Gilda: Eh, ’cause they slip over to the sides intoyour armpits.

Jane: Oh, Gilda.

Gilda: [as Jane tears a piece off of Gilda’s cake] Asa matter of fact, uh, you better only let him see youwhen you’re up at the lake swimming.

Jane: Why?

Gilda: ‘Cause things look bigger under water, stupid.

Jane: Don’t call me stupid, stupid.

Gilda: Stupid yourself! [Jane bops Gilda in the nosewith a piece of cake] Oh, God. … I wish I had aboyfriend.

[The two girls sit silently, glumly chewing their foodas we dissolve to a wider view of the set surroundedby the cameras and the applauding audience, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Pre-Natal Root Canal Therapy”.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:
July 31st, 1976

Kris Kristofferson

Rita Coolidge

None

None

None



Season 1: Order Now! Help Me Make It Through The NightSummary: Kris Kristofferson sings “Help Me Make It Through the Night, while Chevy Chase makes it through the night with his wife, Rita Coolidge.

Montage

Kris Kristofferson’s Monologue

I Was Not A Sucker For Saturday NightSummary: Sherry (Laraine Newman) has written a tell-all book about her experiences serving as intern to SNL’s writing staff.

Recurring Characters: Sherry.

Transcript

Samurai General PractitionerSummary: Futaba (John Belushi) administers a physical to Kris Kristofferson.

Recurring Characters: Futaba.

Rita Coolidge performs “Hula Hoop”

The Great White AthleteSummary: Jesse Owens (Garrett Morris) is selling medals that formerly belonged to white athletes.

Transcript

Mississippi DelegateSummary: Mississippi delegate Frank Wade (Kris Kristofferson) asks President Gerald R. Ford (Chevy Chase) to side with him on a bill.

Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford, Betty Ford.

Police StateSummary: A pair of police officers (Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd) go after criminals with a no-holds-barred style.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Laraine Newman accidentally reports live from Nassau instead of from NASA.

Transcript

Talk CountrySummary: Kris Kristofferson plugs the book that taught him how to talk like a good ol’ boy.

Transcript

Bobbi McGeeSummary: Kris Kristofferson sings a few bars of Me and Bobby McGee”, then brings out the young woman (Gilda Radner) who inspired the tune and learns that she has since married a man named Larry Farber (John Belushi).

Recurring Characters: Bobbi Farber, Larry Farber.

Transcript

Gynecologist Blind DateSummary: Judy (Jane Curtin) is uncomfortable when she finds out her friend has set her up on a blind date with her own gynecologist (Kris Kristofferson).

Transcript

Kris Kristofferson & Rita Coolidge perform “Eddie the Eunuch”

Praising CarterSummary: Andrew Young (Garrett Morris) speaks highly of presidential candidate Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd), in the hopes of being asked to join his administration.

Recurring Characters: Andrew Yuong, Jimmy Carter.

Waiting For PardoSummary: Bob (Chevy Chase) and Bill (Kris Kristofferson) await the arrival of the mythic Don Pardo.

Transcript

Kris Kristofferson performs “I’ve Got a Life of My Own”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

The Great White Athlete

Jesse Owens…..Garrett Morris
Announcer…..Don Pardo

[Gray-haired Jesse Owens, the legendaryAfrican-American track athlete who dominated the 1936Olympics, sits in a chair, wearing a suit and tie andaddresses the camera]

Jesse Owens: Hello, I’m Jesse Owens, here to make youan offer of lasting value. For a limited time only,the American Olympic Committee together with thegovernment of Canada are offering these beautifulOlympic medallions, [holds up the medallions]commemorating some of the last of a dying breed: theGreat White Athlete. For only forty-five dollars, youcan own the entire set with white heroes of hockey,swimming and spear-chucking– umm… I mean, javelinthrow. Hurry and send in now while they last, honky.

[A superimposition reads: Great White Athletes Box1976 Johannesburg, S. Africa]

Announcer: That’s “Great White Athlete” — Box 1976Johannesburg, South Africa.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts