General Idi Amin: You know, it’s too bad that venereal disease doesn’t just strike Jews, but the unfortunate fact is, anyone can get it, even nice people like you and me.
[ SUPER: “General Idi “VD” Amin” ]
Hi. I’m General Idi “VD” Amin, and I’m here to tell you about the warning signs of syphilis:
(a) The temporary appearance and subsequent disappearance of open chancre sores on your faloombwehbweh.
(b) Blindness and/or insanity.
(c) The temporary appearance and subsequent disappearance of two low-flying cargo planes and two Boeing 707 jets full of Israeli commandos on your entebbe…
(d) Shrinkage of your faloombwehbweh down to the size of a flashlight. If you have any of these warning signs, don’t neglect them. I know I ignored mine for too long, but fortunately, in my case, the disease has eaten away only the weak parts of my brain, leaving the strong parts free to declare war on Kenya. Here is an X-ray of a normal brain. [ holds up X-ray of a brain ] ..and here is an X-ray of my brain. [ holds up a slice of swiss cheese ] I was lucky. You may not be so lucky. So take it from me, Idid “VD” Amin, and get yourself checked out today. I wish someone had warned me.
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “A Public Service Message from your International Syphilis Association.”
Samurai Futaba…..John Belushi Mr. Dantley…..Buck Henry
[ open on interior, tailor shop, as the Samurai screams while sticking pins in a mannequin and measuring its clothes ]
[ finally, the Samurai whips out his sword and slices the expressionless head off of the mannequin ]
Announcer: And now, another episode of “Samurai Tailor”!
[ suddenly, Mr. Dantley enters ]
Mr. Dantley: Hi! How you doing? [ the Samurai grunts ] I’m here for the second fitting of the tuxedo. [ the Samurai looks at him suspiciously ] You know. I’m the guy who’s getting married? And, tonight’s… the big night! [ he nudges the Samurai’s shoulder ]
[ understanding, the Samurai “oohs” and slides his sword out of its sheath a couple of times ]
Mr. Dantley: We’re all set. I told you about my fiancee, didn’t I? She’s a GREAT girl, you’d LOVE her. But, between you and me, I’m a little nervous.
[ the Samurai looks up curiously, as he cuts a sheet by tearing it between his teeth ]
Mr. Dantley: It sounds crazy, doesn’t it? [ the Samuai nods ] I’m gonna go through with it. I don’t care. Hey! I’ve gotta have that tuxedo. Is it ready? ‘Cause you promised. The black one, uh, 36 short. [ the Samurai strains to recall ] Oh! I almost forgot. Here’s the ticket. [ he pulls the ticket out of his pocket and hands it to the Samurai ]
[ the Samurai reacts joyously and smacks himself in the forehead, then screams in pain. He looks at sme tuxedos on the wall, poiting to each wrong color as Mr. Dantley says “No”, then screams when he finds the correct tuxedo and chops the hangar off the wall with his sword. ]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah! That’s the one! Anyway… marital bliss. I guess I’ll really find out how blissful it is, huh?
[ the Samurai chuckles to himself as he helps put the tuxedo on Mr. Dantley ]
Mr. Dantley: You know, it’s a shame — it’s a shame you didn’t have more material, because it would be GREAT to have a vest. sort of a French-cut fancy vest in this Ricardo Montalban style, you know?
Mr. Dantley: Montalban.
Mr. Dantley: Montalban. [ he exits into the dressing room ]
Samurai: [ to himself ] Mont-al-ban!
[ thinking, the Samurai pulls on a roll of fabric, then whips out his sword and slices a swatch of fabric off the roll. Hethen tosses the fabric into the air and swipes his sword at it as it falls to the floor. He picks it off the floor, and there is fancy Montalban vest. Mr. Dantley returns, and is impressed. ]
Mr. Dantley: Hey! That’s incredible! That’s gorgeous. You do some fast work. Now this is some service! Shall I give it a shot? [ the Samurai helps put the vest on Mr. Dantley ] I should have sent all the ushers to you! [ the Samurai laughs ] This is going to be some reception, I’m telling you.
[ the Samurai grunts as he helps put the outer tuxedo on Mr. Dantley ]
Mr. Dantley: Anyway… it looks terrific so far. [ he stands on a base for the final fitting ] Wow… this is going to cost some money. I mean, there’s 75 couples coming. But, her old man is paying — what do I care? [ the Samurai laughs ]
[ the Samurai kneels down and measures Mr. Dantley’s inseam, then grunts ]
Mr. Dantley: No, to the left.
[ the Samurai measures the left inseam ]
Mr. Dantley: Hey, uh — uh, there’s something wrong with these sleeves. [ the Samurai grunts ] Well, I asked for one button, and there’s six buttons on each sleeve. I mean, that’s five buttons too many. [ the Samurai looks shocked and disappointed ] I distinctly said ONE button. [ the Samurai steps away, hurt ] Yeah, one! [ the Samurai screams ] ONE!
[ the Samurai falls to his knees and pulls out his sword for hari-kari ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh, no, no! Wait a minute! Don’t take it seriously!
[ Mr. Dantley stops the Samurai, who appears to be relieved ]
Mr. Dantley: It’s not that important, uh… let me take a look. [ he looks into a full-length mirror ] It’s not bad — well, six. It seems a little much, still, though… [ the Samurai points ] Yeah.
[ the Samurai takes his position, then swings his sword upwards to slice off the extra buttons, which go flying through the air ]
Mr. Dantley: [ pleased ] Ah. Yeah.
[ the Samurai’s sword is locked into position, so Mr. Dantley helps to loosen his arm ]
Mr. Dantley: Anyway… uh… let’s see. I didn’t mean to talk harshly back there, but a guy wants to look his best at hids wedding, because you only want to get married once — at least, I hope so. [ the Samurai chuckles ] Now… the first time I was here, I think I asked for a center vent in the back. I don’t really see it.
[ the Samurai grunts, then whips his sword downward and splits a vent down the back of Mr. Dantley’s tuxedo ]
Mr. Dantley: Very nice! Ah, thanks. Well, I guess that’s okay. Anyway… enough partying, I’ve found the right girl, I’m all set, I couldn’t be happier. The suit is wonderful! There’s just one thing that would make me a little bit happier. Uh — about the pants. [ the Samurai looks ] There’s no fly. [ the Samurai grins ] I mean… this is my wedding night. [ the Samurai nods and points ] Yeah.
[ willing to please his customer, the Samurai steps back, throws up his sword and screams as he makes his ai mfor Mr. Dantley’s fly ]
[ freeze-frame ]
Announcer: Tune in NEXT week, for another episode of… “Samurai Tailor”!
[FADE IN on an empty stage. In the far background, Louise Lasser can be seen walking down the stairs and across to home base while the audience applauds. She is in her trademark braids, with a blue shirt and red bell-bottoms. Barefoot, she carries a pair of stocky, thick-heeled shoes in her right hand and sits cross-legged in the middle of home base. Live piano music plays softly in the background.]
Louise Lasser: I know… I’m, um… [panting] …kind of late. But I had a few things to rinse out, so… I’m gonna just, uh, sit here and put my shoes on, on the wrong foot… So here I am, I’m putting my shoes on in front of twenty-two million people at about 1:30 in the morning. Something you see every day. I’m exhausted. But, you know… Ow.
[She pulls one shoe off her right foot and lets lt lie next to her.]
Louise Lasser: But it’s funny, you know. It’s not like I’m exhausted–I mean, I don’t mean I’m exhuasted from tonight, I’m just exhausted from this year, I mean, God. What a year, huh? I mean, this has been like the most incredible year for me, I mean, so many things have happened to me, y’know, great and awful, and… How it started–Norman Lear called me up a year ago and he said to me, “I got this part for you, you know you’re gonna hate,” he said, “You want it?” So I said “No,” I mean, I’m not that stupid, y’know… So then he sent me flowers, and I said “Okay.” I said, “What’s the part?” He said, “Mary.”
[starts singing hoarsely]
Louise Lasser: “Mary… plain as any name can be…”
[Louise looks lost for a moment.]
So we started into production, and… people seemed to like the show, y’know? People would see me on the street, and they would come over and they would like kiss me, and they would hug me, and then they began to come to my house, and then they began to come to my house in cars, and they began to come to my house in buses that parked on my lawn, and, and this wasn’t quite as nice as the kissing and hugging part, so… Finally, y’know, I called this friend that I hired to guard and live in my house, because there were just so many people visiting me that… Not that I wasn’t grateful… But, so anyway, I called him and I said, “Listen, I’m really tired of people asking where they can get orangeade and then getting it for them.” So, he said fine, and then the next day, not only did he move out of my house, but he moved my house. I mean, the man stole everything in my house, I mean everything. I mean, he stole the furniture, the washer, the dryer. In one room, he actually stole the wallpaper off the wall. Which, actually, I thought showed some good taste on his part. [giggling] This “friend,” by the way, uh, is a very big fan of the shows. And I thought, “Doesn’t he realize he’s not robbing from me? He’s… he’s robbing Mary.”
[sings] “Mary… plain as any name can be…”
Louise Lasser: Oh! And then one day, I’m in Beverly Hills. I went to Beverly Hills–it was my friend’s birthday, and I decided to have a surprise party for her–and I… I just wanted to buy a great birthday present for her, so I went to this great toy store in Beverly Hills, and…
What a fabulous doll’s house.
[laughter and applause]
I mean, I mean, there was a room for me in there, y’know? It was just great. And then, I dunno, I think I didn’t have any of the… I didn’t have any of the right credit cards, I had credit cards, I just didn’t have any of the right credit cards. So they wouldn’t take a blank check, and then the next thing I remember there were a lot of policemen. And then I wasn’t in the toy store, I was in another building. The Municipal Building. It’s a very nice building, actually, very Thirties. [laughter] And they booked me. They booked Mary.
[sings] “Mary… plain as any name can be…”
[laughter and applause]
“But with propriety… society…”
[Louise rubs her lip and looks bewildered again.]
Louise Lasser: Okay, um, so, the next thing I know, I’m in this jail, and they’re questioning me. They took pictures of me–not great pictures, not terrible, though. I mean, not great, but I wouldn’t send them out as Christmas cards, let’s put it that way. And I found that they were less interested in autographs than they were in fingerprints. But I was very good at fingerprints, I mean really good–and there is a trick to how you do fingerprints. [demonstrates with right hand] What you have to do is, you just have to lop your finger into that ink, and you just follow through. [makes windmill motion] And I thought to myself… “What a minute. These are my fingerprints, but… they also belong to Mary.”
[singing] “Mary… long before the fashion came…”
[Louise looks bewildered once again.]
Louise Lasser: [painfully] So then they threw me into this jail… cell. And I got, ah, real scared then. And I said, “Please don’t let me be in this cell all alone, don’t let me be in this cell all alone.” So what they did was, they stuck me, y’know, into a different cell, which I thought was real nice of them, y’know, that was real nice of ’em, they didn’t have to do that. They stuck me in a different kind of cell. This one had killers and hookers and rapists: y’know, my kind of people, your kind of people. Our kind of people. So I spoke to one of the hookers, who got arrested for hooking at the Hilton. And I said to her, y’know, “When you get out of here, you ever gonna do it again?” And she said, “Not at the Hilton.”
So then she looked me up and down and said, “Well, why you? Don’t you make enough money playing Mary?”
[She chuckles and grins.]
Louise Lasser: So then I got sprung, and… as we say in the “underworld…” I found I had gotten a huge amount of publicity, but I mean huge. I mean, I don’t just mean magazine covers. I mean Channels 2 through 13, at six o’clock, eleven o’clock, and right before they played the National Anthem. This is the way it went, this is the way it went. It was murders, wars, me, “O say can you see…” every night. So what happened was, to protect me, the show rented a house for me. And also to protect me, what I had to do is, I had to go to work, lying in the backseat of a station wagon under a blanket for a month straight. Just like Barbra Streisand, Jack Nicholson, y’know, all the big stars do it that way.
[ripples of laughter]
But at least I had my new house. [pause] Till I got robbed in a new way. This time… he stole everything but the TV. So that night I could watch exactly how he robbed me. I watched it on the late news, followed of course by “The Star-Spangled Banner,” one of the few things I still have to look forward to. And of course, I could watch… Mary.
[singing] “Mary… plain as any name can be…”
[She drops her head and appears on the verge of tears.]
[singing] “But with…” [long pause] “…propriety…”
Louise Lasser: So that was my year pretty much, y’know? It’s just your random robberies, arrests, and stardom. And I think, “Why?” I mean, why did all this happen? And then I remember, it’s… it’s because of Mary. I mean, that’s Mary… who made me rich, famous, and a known criminal. [subdued laughter] Who put my face on the cover of “Rolling Stone,” “Ms.,” “People,” “Newsweek,” and “Crime Gazette.” Listen… she hasn’t been easy to live with, but… she’s okay. Because the truth is, if it wasn’t for Mary… you never would’ve watched Louise put her shoes on.
[ZOOM OUT as she grins and tugs on her left shoe.]
I like her.
[Audience breaks into applause as Louise remains cross-legged at home base. FADE to a long shot of her, PAN across the audience into the balcony, then FADE to black.]
Frank Noland…..Buck Henry Announcer…..Dan Aykroyd Mrs. Noland…..Gilda Radner
[Frank Noland, loud, hard-hitting host of TV call-intalk show, sits in front of a white brick wall andaddresses the camera.]
Frank Noland: Good evening. I’m Frank Noland. And thisis “Talk Back”!
[Cut to the “Talk Back” logo, then pull back to revealFrank Noland sitting beneath it at a table lined withten black telephones. He smokes a cigarette as funky1970s-era theme music and a tough-talking announcerset the scene.]
Announcer: Talk Back! Frank Noland talks to you, thepublic! You, the public, talk to Frank Noland! Helistens! Talk back to Frank Noland and he’ll talk backto you!
Frank Noland: Tonight’s topic is “Federally SupportedMunicipal Bonds — Yes or No?” I’m Frank Noland and Iwant you to talk to me about federally supportedmunicipal bonds. Call me now at one of these toll-freenumbers: Eight zero-zero, five-five-five,three-three-one-zero — one-one, one-two, one-three,one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight andone-nine! [pause] That topic, once again: “FederallySupported Municipal Bonds — Yes or No?” Call me nowand let me know how you feel. Those numbers, onceagain, are: eight zero-zero, five-five-five,three-three-one-zero — one-one, one-two, one-three,one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight andone-nine!
[a long pause, Frank takes a deep drag onhis cigarette, the phones do not ring]
Yes, we’re talking about federally supported municipal bonds!Say, is it a federal problem? Is it a state problem?Is it – is it a combination of federal and stateproblems? Is it YOUR problem? Is it OUR problem? Whydon’t you give me a ring and talk back to me, FrankNoland? The operators ARE standing by! [another longpause, Frank grabs a glass of water and takes a sip,he looks at the silent row of phones, looksuncomfortable] This … is Frank Noland. And our firsttopic tonight is, and has been “Federally SupportedMunicipal Bonds — Yes or No?” Hey! But that’s not theonly issue I’m prepared to talk about tonight. How’bout this one? “Forced Busing — Yes or No?” Huh? I’msure you have as many things to say about forcedbusing as I do. I’m Frank Noland and I’m prepared totalk back to you! And those numbers, once again, areeight zero-zero, five-five-five, three-three-one-zero– one-one, one-two, one-three, one-four, one-five,one-six, one-seven, one-eight and one-nine! Andthey’re TOLL-FREE! Totally toll-free!
[another long pause, Frank takes another drag and impatiently taps his pack of cigarettes on the table]
Let’s run over those burning issues once again, shall we? They are, one, “Federally Supported Municipal Bonds” and, two,”Forced Busing”! Remember, toll-free! Totally free!You pay nothing here. We pay for the entire call.[phone rings once, Frank reaches for phone] And here’sour first on “Talk Back” right now!
[Frank puts his hand on the phone and freezes as he realizes that it has stopped ringing — another pause, Frank lets go ofthe phone and puts his hand to his head – he’s gettingdesperate]
Here’s another issue that may interest you: “Soviet Communism — Let’s Give It a Chance”! I’ll bet there are some of you who have opinions on this one. That’s Soviet Communism here — here and now! Here, in this country, in your own community. I guess there areplenty of good, red-blooded Americans out there who’ll have a little something to say about that. And, if there are, and you want to talk back to me, Frank Noland, I’m prepared to talk back to you! Maybe you forgot to make a note of those numbers. The numbersagain are eight zero-zero, five-five-five,three-three-one-zero — one-one, one-two, one-three,one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight andone-nine. And I’m ready to talk back on these sametopics: Federally Supported Municipal Bonds, ForcedBusing, and “Soviet Communism Here and Now”! I, FrankNoland, am ready to talk back to you in support ofspending federal funds to bus known Soviet Communistsinto your community now — to teach your children andto live in your house, whether you like it or not!Now, if anyone has another position, and it’s yourright as an American to disagree, give me a call onone of these toll-free lines. Call me collect! I’llanswer and I’ll talk back to– I’ll talk. I–
[pause, Frank puts an unlit cigarette in his mouth, thinks fora moment, then leans forward intently]
How ’bout this? “Killing Puppies — It Doesn’t Bother Me” … That’s me, Frank Noland, and I LIKE dead puppies! Frankly,I’m totally in favor of using federally supportedmunicipal bonds to pay for forced busing of SovietCommunists to come into your homes to kill yourpuppies! Give me a call, won’t you? The lines areopen. Tell ME what you think about it. [lights hiscigarette, mumbles to himself] Dead, mangled puppies… I like ’em …
[starting to lose it]
Okay. While you’re thinking about THOSE topics, here are a half a dozen others which I, Frank Noland, am personally infavor of. “Adolf Hitler — Boy, Do We Need Him Now”!Huh? What about that? Hey, “Incest — I Practice It,Why Don’t You?” Give me a call. Talk to me about it.[A sympathetic woman enters and joins Frank] “NoToilets for the Blind”? Call me! Call me, if you’rewatching! And, and–
Mrs. Noland: Frank? Frank, honey?
Frank Noland: “The Ozone Layer — Let’s Get Rid ofIt”!
Mrs. Noland: Frank, honey. Honey, let’s go home.
Frank Noland: How ’bout “Suicide — Fun for theElderly”? [The sympathetic woman gently guides Frankout of his chair and offscreen] I– I– What happened?Nobody called. I don’t understand it. What about nuns?We could do something about nuns… [As they exit,funky theme music begins and we zoom in on the “TalkBack” logo.]
Announcer: Join us again tomorrow on “Talk Back”!Frank Noland talks to the public! You, the public,talk to Frank Noland! He listens on “Talk Back”!
[Dissolve to the applauding audience. Asuperimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT: NEW HOPE FORTHE TERMINALLY CURIOUS]
[ the audience cheers enthusiastically for nearly a minute ]
Lousie Lasser: Well, that’s nice! Listen, uh — this is a litle strange for me, because this is the first show I’ve done since my own show, and, uh — it’s the ONLY show I’ve done since my show. It’s the only show I’ve SEEN since my own show! [ she laughs ] And one of the reasons why I really do love this show — I mean, I loved it the first time I saw it, because it deals with stuff I like and it just sort of makes new entrees into comedy that I approve of. And it’s just, uh — also, I’ll tell you, it’s a relief to be here. Because right now, on my show, I’m having a nervous breakdown — [ the audience laughs ] Some of you may watch it. I’ve just been committed to an institution. So, tonight, I’m here, committed to you. [ she laughs ]
Now… I wish I could tell you we had a great show for you, but I can’t! [ she laughs ] Uh — no! It’s not because of the show! I mean… the staff, everyone’s great. It’s just that I’m real… tired… [ she laughs ] And they wonder why. And I’m a little scared. And, um… you’re… uh… LIVE! You know what I mean? A LIVE audience! I mean, it’s not — I mean, we don’t work in front of a live audience. [ she looks around uncomfortably ] Our audience is DEAD! [ the audience laughs ] No, it’s not that they’re dead, it’s just that they’re not there! I mean, they’re somewhere. But they’re not… there!
Uh, let me tell you how… how all this happened. Uh, how I got involved with the show is that… [ she rubs her hand over her face ] Lorne Michaels… [ she mutters something unintelligible ] So… Lorne Michaels, who’s the, uh, producer of this show, uh… called me up one day and asked if I, uh… would do the show. He called me, and he said, “I just want you to know it’s not because of, uh, “Mary Hartman” they want you to do it. I’ve always felt that you should do the show.” Evidently, he’d seen me in something on Cable TV, I don’t know… [ the audience laughs ] But, uh, I did say to him, “Listen, you know… what am I gonna do, you know? I’m not a novelist, I don’t have an act, I mean I don’t do that kind of… you know, I don’t do JOKE jokes.” And he said, “Don’t worry about it, you’re naturally funny.” So he looked down at — no! [ she laughs ] No. He said, “You’re naturally funny.” He said you just go out there and you be yourself, and you… quote… “Wing it.”
[ she pauses and looks around uncomfortably ]
So I’m winging it! [ she laughs, then looks off-camera ] What? Oh. Okay. Oh! I’m sorry. Um… So, anyway — So what I decided to do was, I decided that… uh… what I’d like to do is… I-I-I didn’t want the writers to write a story, because I don’t like, you know, contrived stuff very much. So I wanted to tell a personal story that happened to me, that I thought you might find interesting and, you know… you know… YOU KNOW! So anyway, I picked a personal story that I personally think is hilarious. Okay? [ the audience laughs ]
Now… I’m in Beverly Hills — right? [ the audience laughs ] Uh, sorry — it’s not what you think it’s gonna be! I’m in Beverly Hills… and, uh… I’m getting into a cab. I’m going to meet, um, my good friend Jack Nicholson for lunch. [ she stops, points toward the cue card ] I’m sorry, that should be “new” friend. “My new friend…” Let me explain something to you. They use cue cards. I’m not used to cue cards, okay? So they have on the cue card — it says right here, you can see it. It says, uh… “My good friend Jack Nicholson…” when it should be “My new friend…” And it’s not Jack Nicholson, I don’t know Jack Nicholson. Anyway, uh… here is my personal story on cue cards, and Jack Nicholson is in it. So, I-I-I don’t know… [ she stops ] I am tired. [ she laughs ] Right now, I really am tired. [ she stops, drifting off to soem unknown place ] I’m sorry… [ she looks around the stage ] I’m sorry… um… what? [ she looks toward the camera ] Oh! Listen. Let me explain something to you. This is, uh, live TV, which I’m not really used to. Um… um… I’m scared of that. [ the audience laughs ] I don’t think that’s funny. No, I really don’t. And I know, like you — I-I-I — really, honestly, I am scared. I mean, I think you’d be scared if you were standing up here. And i’m really scared, and I know you’re probably a little… scared for me right now. I mean, I — I — [ she turns around ] Oh. [ she looks around confused ] Uh — let me tell you something. Uh — they did tell me that this might happen, and, um… [ she looks around, more confused ] They said that it — that when — [ she keeps looking around ] this kind of thing happens, that it will all come — it WILL all come together! You know?
[ Lasser looks around, more and more confused, then runs off Home Base and across the studio ]
Joe Dicso: Louise! Louise, we’re on the air!
[ Lasser runs into the hall and begins crying ]
Gilda Radner: Louise? What’s the matter?
[ Lasser runs past Gilda, crying, then rushes into her dressing room while mumbling incoherently ]
Gilda Radner: Louise! Louise, it’s me — Gilda!
Lousie Lasser: Oh, Gilda, what am I gonna do! I messed up the whole show! I didn’t know what to do! I couldn’t help it!
Gilda Radner: No, you didn’t — you didn’t mess it up yet! You —
Lousie Lasser: I messed it up and I just can’t DO it right! I mean, I just can’t
Gilda Radner: Yeah, we’ll help you! You know, we’ve done a whole bunch of shows, we can — What’s the matter, you have cramps? We’ll help you, Louise.
[ Dan Aykroyd approaches from the hall ]
Lousie Lasser: Just leave me alone! If you just leave me alone for a few minutes, I think I’ll be fine, I’ll be out, okay?
[ Gilda steps away, as Dan dons sunglasses and takes over ]
Dan Aykroyd: Miss Lasser? Louie P. Stylo, probation officer, County of Los Angeles, State of California! You, uh — you left the sight of a private desert in Los Angeles, Louise, and I gotta come up to you right now, okay? We’ll just clear it up right now, and then you can go on with the show and everything else.
Lousie Lasser: DAN! Could you just stop it, I know your voice!
Dan Aykroyd: LOUISE, I CAN GIVE YOU AUTOMOTIVE PARTS!! I have TIRES… I have all kinds of things at BARGAIN PRICES!
Lousie Lasser: Dan, this is NOT funny! This is very DANGEROUS for me at this moment in time, okay?
Dan Aykroyd: [ stepping away ] Alright, she’s not gonna come out of there… Hey! I gotta go up through the roof.
[ “Jaws” music begins to play, as the Land Shark’s head appears in the frame ]
[ Chevy Chase’s hand emerges from the shark’s mouth and knocks on the door ]
Lousie Lasser: Who is it?
Land Shark: Mrs. Laff — Laff — Mrs. Lasser?
Lousie Lasser: What?
Land Shark: Telegram!
Lousie Lasser: From whom?
Land Shark: [ he clears his throat ] Candy — Candygram, Ma’am!
Lousie Lasser: Who is this?
Land Shark: Half a gram.
Lousie Lasser: What?
Land Shark: Uh — Braidmaker, Ma’am. Uh, here to do your braids.
Lousie Lasser: I really don’t need any braids. Could you please leave me alone? I just need to REST here for a few minutes. That’s all!
Land Shark: Cover of Time Magazine?
Lousie Lasser: What?
Land Shark: Cover of Time!
Lousie Lasser: I’ll be right out.
[ the Land Shark backs out of frame, as Lasser slowly opens the door and emerges ]
Lousie Lasser: Did someone say the cover of Time?
[ Chevy Chase appears as himself ]
Chevy Chase: Yeah.
Lousie Lasser: What do I have to do to get the cover of Time?
Chevy Chase: Uhhh — read this. [ he holds up a cue card ]
Lousie Lasser: [ reading ] “We’ll be right back.” [ confused ] That’s what I have to do to get the cover of Time?
Poker GameSummary: Because of his extreme southern hospitality and gullible graciousness, Mr. Russo (Dan Aykroyd) is honored to be taken advantage of by Mr. Diarga (Chevy Chase) and his interpretor (Elliott Gould) during a friendly high-stakes poker game.
The Last Voyage of the Starship EnterpriseSummary: The crew of the Starship Enterprise are wary of a mysterious car following them through space. Unable to escape the strange pursuit, the car’s occupants, NBC executive Herb Goodman (Elliot Gould) and his associates, soon enter the Starship Enterprise, whereupon they announce that the “Star Trek” series has been cancelled. The crew accepts this proclamation, but William Shatner (John Belushi) hangs on to his persona as Captain Kirk, determined to get his crew out of this unexpected twist, even as NBC executives dismantle the set around him.
Recurring Characters: Captain James T. Kirk, Scotty, Mr. Sulu, Dr. McCoy, Herb Goodman.
Vibramatic Personal MassagerSummary: The personal massager that slices and dices vegetables for a husband’s (Elliott Gould) midnight salad, while working as a comforting sleep aid and relaxer for his wife (Laraine Newman).
Shirley Temple BlackSummary: As the new anbassador to Ghana, Shirley Temple Black (Laraine Newman) breaks into a melody of “Hi Neighbor.
Gary Weis FilmSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Elliott Gould sits in as kids learn old vaudeville acts at “Uncle Charlie’s School.”
The HoneymoonersSummary: The Bees portray “The Honeymooners”, with Ralph (John Belushi) and Alice (Gilda Radner) getting into a fight before she reveals her pregnancy.
[Teenaged Jane sits lengthwise on a living room sofa,eating crackers and peanut butter. Her teen friendGilda enters, struggling to carry a huge tray of foodwhich she sets awkwardly on the coffee table in frontof the sofa. Jane picks at the food throughout thesketch.]
Gilda: Okay, Jane, that’s all my mom had left in thefridge.
Jane: That’s it?
Gilda: Yeah, well, the whole family’s on a diet.[joins Jane on the sofa] Move yer feet over. So, uh,what’d you let him, uh, get last night? A three or afour?
Jane: I can’t remember which is which. How’s it go?
Gilda: A three is over your shirt. A four is underyour shirt, over the bra. So which was it, a three ora four?
Gilda: Five? On the third date? You mean you let himhave a five? Oh, God.
Jane: I had to! Otherwise, he would have known I waswearing a padded bra.
Gilda: Oh, God.
Jane: Well, look, it’s embarrassing enough that youknow. You know what’s worse? Gym class. Do you knowhow long it takes to change underneath your slip? Andthat’s in front of girls.
Gilda: Why don’t you just stuff cotton in your bra andthen when – when he starts gettin’ romantic, you couldjust excuse yourself and go to the ladies’ room andtake it out?
Jane: How am I going to go to the ladies’ room in acemetery?
Jane: You know! He likes to park in a cemetery. It’squiet there. Nobody bothers us.
Gilda: Cemetery? Oh, God.
Jane: I wish you’d stop saying “God” — [mimics her]”Oh, God.” ‘Specially in front of my mother. Shethinks you’re a bad influence.
Gilda: Aw, well, that’s a laugh. Especially when yaget the highest marks in school.
Jane: That’s not what I mean.
Gilda: Have you seen it?
Gilda: You know … It.
Jane: No, I don’t know. What?
Gilda: You know … his, uh … Him. It. You know.
Jane: [gives her a withering look] That’s sodisgusting.
Gilda: I just want to know did you get a look at it.
Jane: I don’t want to talk about it. It’s toodisgusting.
Gilda: Come on, now. We’re supposed to be bestfriends. I – I just want to know what it’s like.
Jane: Okay, okay. … It’s not like anything.
Gilda: What do you mean it’s not like anything?
Jane: It’s just not like anything.
Gilda: How can it be not like any–? I don’t thinkyou’ve seen it.
Jane: Okay. It’s like a … It’s like a person.
Gilda: A fireman?
Jane: [can’t believe she’s so stupid] God.
Gilda: Oh, I don’t think you’ve seen anything.
Jane: You don’t have to see it.
Gilda: I thought he’d want you to.
Jane: I wouldn’t even if he wanted me to.
Gilda: You mean, you wouldn’t if he wanted you to?
Gilda: Even if you were going steady?
Jane: [thinks about it] No.
Gilda: Even if he wouldn’t go steady with you anymore?
Jane: No, I wouldn’t.
Gilda: Even if he wouldn’t go steady with you any moreand he asked you to give his ring back, you stillwouldn’t?
Jane: Nope. I would– Well, maybe if– No.
Gilda: Well, I would. I’d look at it if he wanted meto.
Jane: Let me set you straight. I don’t think they wantyou to. Besides, it’s dark in a cemetery.
Gilda: Well, then you have nothing to worry about.
Gilda: [pulls a cake off the tray and picks at itthroughout the rest of the sketch] Because, um, thenhe won’t be able to, uh, to see your chest and hewon’t know how flat you really are.
Jane: What does that mean?
Gilda: It means, stupid, that things happen to feelbigger than they look, you know, like when you have apimple on your face and you keep feelin’ it andfeelin’ it and it feels like it’s really big and thenyou look in the mirror and it’s not so bad after all -just like your breasts.
Jane: It is?
Gilda: Yeah, and another thing, you better, uh, youbetter not let him see you, uh, lyin’ down on yourback.
Gilda: Eh, ’cause they slip over to the sides intoyour armpits.
Jane: Oh, Gilda.
Gilda: [as Jane tears a piece off of Gilda’s cake] Asa matter of fact, uh, you better only let him see youwhen you’re up at the lake swimming.
Gilda: ‘Cause things look bigger under water, stupid.
Jane: Don’t call me stupid, stupid.
Gilda: Stupid yourself! [Jane bops Gilda in the nosewith a piece of cake] Oh, God. … I wish I had aboyfriend.
[The two girls sit silently, glumly chewing their foodas we dissolve to a wider view of the set surroundedby the cameras and the applauding audience, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Pre-Natal Root Canal Therapy”.]
[ open on black-and-white “Honeymooners” opening ]
Announcer: And now, The Bees present: John Belushi in “The Honeymooners”. With stars: Danny Aykroyd, Gilda Radner, and Jane Curtin.
[ dissolve to interior, Kramden apartment, Alice and Trixie seated at the kitchen table ]
Trixie: So Ed came home drunk the other night, Alice, and he started telling me about all his old girlfriends. Did you know that Ed’s first lover was a fly?
Alice: Gee, Trixie… I can’t, uh, I can’t see Ed with a fly. They’re usually so, uh, so cold and closed.
Trixie: Well, Ed’s fly was open. Did the tear help your stomach?
Alice: I don’t know, I still feel so nauseous. I think I’m gonna go lie down for a while.
Trixie: Well, that’s just as well — I have to go upstairs and finish making Ed’s dinner.
Alice: Oh, what are you making for dinner?
Trixie: Rose hips.
Alice: Oh. Okay, Trixie, I’ll talk to you later.
Trixie: Take care, honey.
[ Trixie exits the apartment ]
[ Alice exits into the bedroom ]
[ Ralph enters the apartment, to huge applause from the audience ]
Alice: I’ll be right out!
Ralph: Alice, I’m home!!
Alice: I’ll be right out, Ralph!
[ Ralph sits down at the kitchen to read his newspaper, but freezes in crouch position and screams. He turns his body to reveal that knitting needles have punctured his bottom side ]
[ Alice enters from the bedroom ]
Alice: What’s the matter, Ralph? what’s gotten into you?
Ralph: Your knitting needles, that’s what’s gotten into me! Now, look — get ’em out, will ya’?! What am I gonna say to the guys down at the Raccoon Lodge, what are they gonna think?!
Alice: Why don’t you tell them you swallowed a porcupine?
Ralph: Hardy-har-har-har! Hardy-har-har-har, Alice! You’re really funny, Alice! You’re really a riot, Alice! You’re gonna GO PLACES, Alice!! You know where you’re gonna go, alice?!
Alice: Where, Ralph?
Ralph: TO THE MOON, ALICE!!
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
Alice: No, Ralph. I’m gonna go into the bedroom — I feel nauseous.
[ Alice exits into the bedroom, as Ralph scoffs ]
Ralph: Bang! Zoom! [ he leans his head out of the window ] Hey, Norton!
[ Ed casually enters from the hallway ]
Ed: Hey, Ralphie Bee!
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
Ralph: Norton! Norton, get these things out of me!
Ed: Ralph! Are those knitting needles sticking out of your yonkabit like a geisha schoolbus! [ he chuckles like an idiot ]
Ralph: COME ON!! GET ‘EM OUT OF ME!! GET ‘EM OUT!!
Ed: Okay, okay, okay, Ralphie — I’m just here to help!
[ Ed checks his wrists and adjusts them accordingly ]
Ralph: WILL YOU COME ON!! Get ’em out of me!!
Ed: Okay, okay, Ralphie! Take it easy, take it easy!
[ Ed yanks the needles loose, as Ralphs screams his relief ]
Ed: There they are, Ralph!
Ralph: Give me those! [ he grabs the needles ] You know, I don’t understand it, Norton! I don’t understand what’s going on around here! I find these knitting needles around here, and alice says she’s always nauseous all the time!
Ed: Knitting needles?
Ed: She’s nauseous?
Ralph: Yeah, she’s nauseous!
Ed: You know what that means, Ralphie Boy? A little drone! A worker, Ralphie! Maybe even a queen! Hey, hey, hey, Ralphie boy, congratulations! [ he hands a stunned Ralph a cigar and chuckles, then starts to cry ] My Ralphie! Gonna have a worker!
Ralph: Norton! Norton! Old pal of mine. Old buddy of mine, Norton. My Alice — pregnant, with a little Ralph.
Ed: I didn’t think you had it in you, Ralph!
Ralph: GET OUT OF HERE!!
Ed: Okay, Ralph, I’m leaving!
[ Ed exits the apartment ]
[ Ralph begins to stammer ]
Ralph: Alice! Alice! Sweetie?
[ Alice exits the bedroom ]
Ralph: Alice? Alice? Why didn’t you tell me we were having a baby?
Alice: Because, Ralph — it’s not yours. [ Ralph furrows his brow ] It’s Ed Norton’s!
Ralph: Baby… you’re the greatest!
[ Ralph pulls Alice down for a passionate kiss, as the theme music crescendoes ]
[ SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Summer Vacations For The Dead.” ]
Bobbi McGeeSummary: Kris Kristofferson sings a few bars of Me and Bobby McGee”, then brings out the young woman (Gilda Radner) who inspired the tune and learns that she has since married a man named Larry Farber (John Belushi).
[ return from commercial to find Elliott Gould dressed as a cowgirl ]
Elliott Gould: Well, folks, that’s all for tonight. We’re going away for some vacation time, but don’t worry — they’re gonna rerun some of our old shows, and, later on in the season, we’re gonna be back with Louise Lasser. Until then, we just want to say:
[ pull back to reveal the entire cast is also dressed as cowgirls ]
Elliott Gould & Cast: [ singing ] “Happy trails to you, until we meet again. Happy trails to you, keep smilin’ until then. Happy trails to you ’till we meet again.”
Elliott Gould: Again! Everybody!
Elliott Gould & Cast: [ singing ] “Happy trails to you, until we meet again. Happy trails to you, keep smilin’ until then. Happy trails to you ’till we meet again.”
Announcer: Others in tonight’s cast were Teri Garr, Doris Powell, Ronald Reagan, and Akira Yoshimura. Next Saturday, watch NBC’s “Weekend with Lloyd Dobbins.” Two weeks from tonight, Robert Klewin hosts “Saturday Night”. This is Don Pardo, and I would rather be an announcer than anything else in the whole wide world — except, maybe, a fireman… a cowboy or an Indian… an astronaut, or a forest ranger, a reindeer, a driving instructor, or a horsie… orrrrrr ?? Nahhhh, I’ll think of something!