SNL Transcripts: Louise Lasser: 07/24/76: Back From Vacation




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 23











75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Back From Vacation

…..Gilda Radner
…..Chevy Chase
…..John Belushi
…..Garrett Morris
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman

[ open on the cast standing around on Home Base ]

Gilda Radner: Uh, Chevy, uh – I don’t think it’s that John was hurt, it’s just that he thinks you’re getting more attention than he is. You know what I mean?

Chevy Chase: [ he shrugs ] That’s not a good excuse.

Gilda Radner: Well, I know. But I don’t think he was that hurt…

Chevy Chase: [ pointing at the camera ] We’re on! we’re on the air.

[ they all look at the camera and smile ]

Chevy Chase: Well, here we are!

Gilda Radner: Back from vacation!

Chevy Chase: And we want money!

[ John Belushi enters ]

Gilda Radner: Hi, John!

John Belushi: What’s going on?

[ Belushi shakes hands with everybody, as the audience applauds enthusiastically ]

John Belushi: How’s everybody doing?

Garrett Morris: Great!

John Belushi: Yeah, yeah. I just got in from L.A. Anyhow, it’s nice to see you. Gilda, you’re so sweet. Jane! How’s Patrick doing?

Jane Curtin: [ smiling ] Just fine, just fine!

John Belushi: Danny!

Dan Aykroyd: Hi, John!

[ Belushi looks up at Chevy ]

John Belushi: Ohhh, Mr. Chase.

[ the cast looks on uncomfortably ]

Dan Aykroyd: I’ll give you a drive home, John.

John Belushi: Yeah.

Chevy Chase: How you doing? Nice suit.

John Belushi: Thanks. Listen, Chevy, uhh — I’ve been thinking about, uh, what I said and stuff, and, uh… we’ve been together a long time, we’ve been friends a long time, and I don’t think that should, you know, stop us from being friends. You know, we gotta work together, so what do you say? Huh? Let bygones be bygones?

Chevy Chase: Are you serious?

John Belushi: Yeah.

[ Chevy looks to the other cast members ]

Jane Curtin: Go on! Go on!

[ Chevy hugs Belushi ]

John Belushi: Heyyy!

[ the rest of the cast cheer them on ]

John Belushi: Hey, man, yeah!

Chevy Chase: [ holding out his hands for low-fives ] Let’s do the show, huh! [ John slaps him ten ] Alright! Now we’re talking! Alright, you’re serious about it, now, right?

[ they begin to do an elaborate seriers of high-fives — forward, backwards, kneeling, across their shoes, etc. ]

[ finally, they take it too far and begin to knock fists and punch one another playfully ]

[ Belushi punches Chevt one hard, sending him flying over a folding chair and flat onto the floor by the audience’s feet ]

Chevy Chase: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/22/76: Peter Lemon Moodring



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21









75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Peter Lemon Moodring
..written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Announcer…..Michael O’Donoghue
Peter Lemon Moodring…..Chevy Chase

[ open on cocktail lounge singer Peter Lemon Moodring sitting on a stool, drinking a Scotch out of the same hand that holds a lit cigarette ] [ SUPER: “Peter Lemon Moodring” ]

Announcer: Peter Lemon Moodring. The ultimate love-rock experience.

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “When Sunny gets blue-ue-ue..”

[ Peter’s face and hands turn a dark shade of blue as he sings ]

Announcer: Yes, when “Sunny Gets Blue”, Peter gets blue, too. A haunting, ultra-marine blue that reflects Peter’s intense inner thoughts on life. A life that is gay, exciting, and yet, sometimes, a little lonely.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to a shade of yellow as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]“Tie a yellow ribbon ’round that ole oak tree-ee-ee
It’s the same oak tree-ee-ee –“

Announcer: But the mood brightens, and Peter turns a rich canary-yellow. He’s just happy to be working, and you’ll be happy watching him work.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to a shade of tangerine as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “Tang-er-iiiiiiine!”

Announcer: Turning the color of his favorite leisure suit, Peter imagines himself out on the town, a Broadway show, an intimate dinner for two, and all the sangria he can drink. Here’s looking at you, Peter.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to a shade of ruby as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]“Rubyyyyyyy
Ruby, you’re such a dreeeeeeeam –“

Announcer: Curl up, get cozy as the mood mellows, and Peter glows like the embers of a dying fire. Warm, relaxed, sensual – he’s in touch with his emotions, and his emotions are sure to touch you.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to black as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]“Black is black!
I want my baby back.
Black! Black!”

Announcer: It’s no use trying to hide your real feelings – not when you’re Peter Lemon Moodring, and you’ve lsot your baby. He’s one man who you can judge by the color of his skin.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to the full colors of the rainbow as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]“Some-wherrrrrre, over the rainboooooow
Way up hiiiiiigh –“

Announcer: But the storm passes, as storms always do, and Peter bursts into a kaleidoscope of color, spanning the full spectrum of human emotions. Don’t leave yourcamera home, because he’s a sight you’ll want to share with your granchildren.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to lines of red, white and blue as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “Three cheers for the red, white and blue –“

Announcer: And three cheers for Peter Lemon Moodring, for a bicentennial salute that puts Old Glory herself to shame.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to combined shades of red and gold as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]“The falling leeeeeaves
Drift past my window –“

Announcer: Peter Lemon Moodring. Coming soon to a cocktail lounge near you.

[ SUPER: “Peter Lemon Moodring” ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “– leeeeeaves.. of red.. and gooooooooold.”

Announcer: Color him.. unforgettable.

[ Peter’s face and hands return to normal, as he places his cigarette in his mouth and smiles smugly at the camera ] [ dissolve to an audience member clapping. The camera zooms down, as the joke card appears late on the screen. ] [ SUPER: “Beautiful When Angry” ] [ too late – the camera is already halfway down to the Samurai Tailor sketch ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Louise Lasser: 07/24/76: John Belushi’s Wardrobe




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 23








75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

John Belushi’s Wardrobe

…..John Belushi

[ open on John Belushi stepping in front of green-screen projection of the “Samurai Deli” sketch ]

John Belushi: Hi! I’m John Belushi. That’s me doing the “Samurai Deli” scene. It’s a classic piece of comedy I made famous last year on “NBC’s Saturday Night”.

You know, a lot of people come up to me and say, “You have a distinctive look. How can I capture that look for myself?” Well, I’m very proud to announce, after months of work, to unveil my very personal project. I’m finally able to offer you my exclusive line of men’s clothing. I have personally selected, out of hundreds of styles and fabrics, clothes with that distinctive John Belushi style. Clothes that I made famous on “NBC’s Saturday Night”. Clothes like I’m wearing right now.

Uh, for instance — this reversible vest. [ he removes it ] You can wear it, uh, this way… or the other way. It’s got buttons on both sides, you see. Uh — this shirt. It’s a very personal shirt, it can be worn any way you like. [ he yndoes the buttons on the cuffs ] Uh, the sleeves roll down, you can roll the sleeves up like this… you see? It’s a very nice, very nice shirt. [ he loosens his collar ] You can open up the collar like this, kind of cool and breezy. I personally selected this shirt out of HUNDREDS, and I paid $12 for it. You can have it for $3. Or you can make me an offer. Right now. This shirt. Three dollars. The vest — again, uniquely Belushi. I paid $17 retail… eight bucks! Huh? Please.

The hat — [ he places a cap on his head with sunglasses ] The shades. Living trademarks of an unerpaid TV actor. Waht do you say? Five bucks! Huh? Come on! Please! I’m serious. Buy my clothes. These clothes — now! Really. I need the cash. I do. Please. Look at this shirt! This shirt’s in great condition!

Listen — if you send it soon, you can buy my albums. Really! [ he holds up rock albums ] I’ve got Cream here — Wheels of Fire, it’s a great album. I’ve got some Stones. The Doors were really something… before Jim died. I’ve got some Grand Funk — I only listened to it once. Okay. Uh — I got a lot of good ones. Moby Grape, some of The Beach Boys’ early stuff. Uh… anything you want. A lot of albums. A buck a piece. What do you say? It’s a good deal! A dollar. Huh?

I got, uh… [ he holds up a radio ] A radio! It doesn’t work… but if you’re good with your hands and you like working with electricity, uh, you could fix it! Really! Make me an offer! What do you say? Good shirt, huh? Nice shirt? You wanna buy it? Really! Listen — if you care about my career… if you care about my work… you’ll buy my shirt.

[ dissolve to address card:

JOHN BELUSHI WARDROBE
Rock Center
New York, New York” ]

Announcer: The John Belushi Wardrobe. Clothes of distinction. Only worn once.

[ fade ]

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SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/22/76: Michael O’Donoghue’s Tony Orlando Impression



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21









75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Michael O’Donoghue’s Tony Orlando Impression

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

…..Buck Henry
…..Michael O’Donoghue

Buck Henry: [stands before a red curtain] A couple ofmonths ago when I was on the show, it was my pleasureto introduce to America one of the most remarkablytalented performers it’s been my pleasure to see insome time. I discovered him in a little club downtownin New York and, you know, impressionists come and go.We – we all know who they are, and we know thecharacters that they portray and – and – But – butthis guy, this fella does impressions that are unlikeany other. They’re imaginative, they’re original, uh,and I think you are going to enjoy, as much as I’vealways enjoyed, the immense, fascinating talents ofMr. Michael O’Donoghue!

[Applause. Music. Buck Henry applauds and exits to theleft as Michael O’Donoghue, perhaps better known as”Mr. Mike,” enters from the right in a garish paisleytuxedo with a large bow-tie. He is a thin,bespectacled, bearded gentleman in his mid-thirtiesaccompanied by two attractive young African-Americanwomen.]

Michael O’Donoghue: Thank you, thank you. And thankyou, Buck. I’m gonna just name a few groups or teamsof people: Burns and Allen, Ginger Rogers and FredAstaire, the Andrews Sisters, the Marx Brothers,Ferrante and Teicher, Alfred Lunt and Lynne Fontanne.Now, what do all these people have in common? I mean,of course, they’re all exciting entertainers, I know,but – but something deeper than that. Each of them hasa special magic power, a power to reach out and touchnot just the minds of the people for whom they’reperforming … but their hearts as well. Today, in1976, nobody fits that description better than Mr.Tony Orlando and Dawn. [Applause.] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah![O’Donoghue applauds. Applause ends.] I happen tocatch their show last week and a funny thoughtoccurred to me. I thought, what if someone took steelneedles, say, um, fifteen, eighteen inches long –with real sharp points — and plunged them into TonyOrlando — and Dawn’s — eyes. What would theirreaction be? I think it might go something like this …

[O’Donoghue and the two women turn their backs tothe camera and, after a pause, they clutch their eyes,screaming, shrieking at the top of their lungs,staggering, collapsing to the floor, writhing aroundon the stage in front of the red curtain, kicking,trying to get up and then falling, dropping to theirknees in agony, etc.] [Applause. Fade to black. The band plays some relatively sedate music over a photo of Jane Curtin and Buck Henry reviewing a script. After holding on this for a while, we dissolve back toO’Donoghue and friends writhing around on the stage athome base, hollering, hands clutched to their eyes.The red curtain is gone. Buck Henry jumps over one ofthe prostrate women and approaches the camera:]

Buck Henry: Thank you all very much. Remember, nextweek, Elliott Gould — watch him breeze right throughthe security guard. Thank you, Gordon Lightfoot. He’dplay another song but he only owns one guitar. Thankall of you for coming. And we’ll see you sometime whenthis mess gets cleared up. [gestures to the threepeople on the floor behind him; the band plays theclosing theme as members of the cast join Henry onstage; the credits roll; Gilda Radner hugs and kissesHenry; Chevy Chase and Garrett Morris rush to help theimpressionists to their feet; Henry kisses Jane Curtinand gets a pat on the back from John Belushi; the castlifts Henry up onto Belushi’s shoulders; cast andaudience wave good night as Don Pardo earns hispaycheck:]

Don Pardo: Our host next Saturday night will beElliott Gould. This is the voice of Don Pardo comingfrom the mouth of Don Pardo, triggered by the brain ofDon Pardo, adapted from a short story by Don Pardo,and stolen from an idea by Johnny Olsen. Stay tuned asPaul Anka plays host to “Superstars” premieringtonight. Good night!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Louise Lasser: 07/24/76: Fooling Death



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 23





75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Fooling Death

Inger … Louise Lasser
Sven … Chevy Chase
Death … Tom Schiller

[No music, only the sound of a loudly ticking clockheard throughout the sketch. An out-of-focus image ofa burning candle flame. We pull back and into focus toreveal that the candle rests atop a table on eitherside of which sit Sven and Inger. They stare soulfullyinto one another’s eyes as they slowly sip from mugs.Behind them, a window. A superimposed English textscrolls up from the bottom of the screen as a narratorsimultaneously reads it in mock Swedish gibberish.]

Text:
Sven is a struggling architect. He built the Svömmenplåken at Kvärkpårken in Stockholm for which he won the Knut Kvöllen Award. Lost in his work, he lives alone … the architect of his own unhappiness.

[Sven and Inger stare at one another lustfully.]

Text:
Inger works designing ceative toys for intellectual Swedish children.She was married to Torben, a brutal man who stilled the child within her. They parted. She was unhappy, yet alive for the first time.

[Sven and Inger slowly touch one another’s hands andfaces erotically.]

Text:
On a holiday in Austria, Inger met Sven on the chairlift at the Vödelsan Ski Resort. They fell in love. In Stockholm, they met secretlysharing kisses under the Östergaffel Bridge or at the new Kjölvaskashopping center Sven was designing. With the money sven made from anaccess ramp study, They planned their first vacation. They drove theirVolvo to Göteborg and then took the ferry boat to Gammel Färgspråkisland. They delighted in their love and the warm summer days.

[As the next paragraph of text scrolls by, a shadowyfigure with a pale white face appears outside thewindow behind Sven and Inger — it is Death — and heis the one narrating in Swedish. Sven and Inger turnto look at Death, then slowly wave him away. Hedeparts.]

Text:
One night, held in each other’s gaze, an apparition appeared at the window of their small rustic cabin. It was Death. “Let me in. I am death come to haunt, intimidate and make you very, very uneasy.” ThenDeath went away… soon to return.

[With Death gone, Sven and Inger return to gazing atand touching one another. Abruptly, Death returns andsits down at the table with them, still narrating inSwedish. The couple ignores him completely.]

Text:
They tried to enjoy their vacation, but were troubled by dreams, visions, and a burning desire to wash hands and faces. Once Sven was gathering nutmeats and thought he was being pursued by burning sheep. Inger was making cookies and death returned. “It is I… Death. Are you alone? Where’s Sven?” There was nothing for them to do. They both felt death’s mocking presence… watching, silently jeering. So they made love.

[Inger pulls at Sven’s lip, comically distorting it.]

Text:
And then they ordered pizza.

[Sven and Inger finally notice Death sitting besidethem.]

Inger: [to Death, casually, in plain English] Couldyou go out and pick it up for us?

[Death bows his head to her in agreement.]

Sven: [to Death, just as casually] You want the keysto the Volvo? [Death bows his head to him inagreement. Sven fishes in his pocket for the keys.] Igot ’em right here.

[Sven hands the keys to Death who, speaking mockSwedish, rises and exits as Sven and Inger return tostaring at one another. We see Death pass by thewindow outside, mumbling Swedish, as Inger puts herhands on Sven’s face. We hear the Volvo’s engine startup and the sound of the car driving away as Ingertwists and distorts Sven’s face to comical effect.]

Text: [with no accompanying narration]So Sven and Inger fooled death. There is no pizza in Sweden.

[We slowly zoom in on the burning candle as the imagegoes out of focus.] [dissolve to wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Walter Mondale Came Out Against The Vietnam War The Same Day Hubert Humphrey Did”] [fade]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/22/76: Gordon Lightfoot performs “Summertime Dream”


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21



75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Gordon Lightfoot performs “Summertime Dream”

…..Buck Henry
…..Gordon Lightfoot

[ fade in on Buck Henry standing at the musical guest’s microphone ]

Buck Henry: [ burps, still eating the props from the Dell Strator sketch ] Mmm.. fresh roasted toad – fantastic. [ wipes his mouth ] And here’s something else that’s fantastic. all the way from Canada – here is Gordon Lightfoot.

[ Gordon Lightfoot steps up the microphone with hus guitar, as Buck Henry steps aside ]

Gordon Lightfoot:
“Where the road runs down by the butternut grove
To old Bill Skinner’s stream,
Do tell at the noonday bell,
It’s time for a summertime dream.

In a lunch pail town in a one-horse way,
You can live like a king and queen.
Let’s steal away in the noonday sun,
It’s time for a summertime dream.

Birds in all creation will be twittering in the trees
And down below’s a pond I know,
You can swim in it if you please.

So, if you come round when the mill shuts down,
You can see what chivalry means.
Let’s steal away in the noonday sun,
It’s time for a summertime dream.

[ break ]

On a trip on down to wonderland
In love among the flowers
Where time gets lost with no straw boss
Tallying up the hours.

Where the road runs down by the butternut grove
To old Bill Skinner’s stream,
Do tell at the noonday bell,
It’s time for a summertime dream.

[ break ]

Birds in all creation will be twittering in the trees
And down below’s a pond I know,
You can swim in it if you please.

The road runs down by the butternut grove
To old Bill Skinner’s stream,
Do tell at the noonday bell,
It’s time for a summertime dream.”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Louise Lasser: 07/24/76: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 23





75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Goodnights

…..Louise Lasser

[FADE to Louise kneeling at home base and petting her dog Maggie with the cast assembled behind her.]

Louise Lasser: Thank you so much, and I, I would just like to say I thank Michael Saracen for being in my movie, and I’d like to thank the Preservation Hall Jazz Band, I’d like to thank Maggie here, and, and… [gestures to cast] Look at them.

[The Not Ready for Prime Time Players stand quietly several feet away. On the far right, John Belushi fidgets with some of the clothes from his earlier sketch and completely ignores Louise. Chevy is hidden behind Laraine, and Dan Aykroyd smokes a cigarette in the far back.]

Louise Lasser: What I can I tell you? Thank you, everyone, really, thank you. [The band goes into the closing theme as everyone but Maggie applauds. While the credits start to roll, Laraine claps Louise on the shoulders while John appears to be dickering over his clothes with nearby audience members. Louise manages to make a bit of small talk with Garrett and Gilda, then turns her full attention back to Maggie. Chevy and Dan shake a few audience members’ hands.]

Don Pardo: Next week’s host on “Saturday Night” will be Kris Kristofferson, with guest Rita Coolidge. The temperature in New York is 79.5 degrees. And in your announcer, Don Pardo, it’s 98.6. And they keep telling me I’m not normal. Tune in next week, or I’ll blow up in Chicago. Good night!

[ZOOM IN on a closeup of Laraine petting Maggie, who pants cheerfully in the spotlight. CUT to the usual long shot of home base and PAN over to the balcony, where almost everyone is clapping. Close to the camera, a young woman holds up a long sheet of sprocket-feed printer paper on which “HI J” is written. She and her date see themselves on the monitor and burst into laughter. FADE OUT.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/22/76: Gordon Lightfoot performs “Spanish Moss”


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21







75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Gordon Lightfoot performs “Spanish Moss”

…..Gordon Lightfoot
…..Buck Henry
Futaba…..John Belushi

Buck Henry: Once again, here’s Gordon Lightfoot.

Gordon Lightfoot:
“Let go darling, I can feel the night wind call.
Think I’d better go,
I like you more than half as much
As I love your Spanish moss.

Spanish moss, a-hanging down
sweeter than the southern love we’ve found.
Spanish moss, keeps on following my thoughts around.
Georgia pine and Ripple wine
kisses mixed with moonshine and red clay
Spanish moss, wish you knew what I was saying.
So I’m rolling north thinking
of the way things might have been
if she and I could have changed it all somehow.

[ break ]

Spanish moss, a-hanging down
lofty as the sycamore you’ve found,
Spanish moss keeps on following my thoughts around.
Georgia pine and Ripple wine
memories of Savannah summertime.
Spanish moss, wish you knew what I was saying.

So I’m rolling north thinking
of the way things might have beenif she and I could have changed it all somehow.

Let go darling, I can feel the night wind call
the devil take the cost.
I like the way your kisses flow
and I love your Spanish moss.”

[ the audience applauds, as Lightfoot bows to them ] [ Lightfoot and his band then begin to strum the opening chords to “Sundown”, as buck Henry rushes onto the stage ]

Buck Henry: Excuse me. I’m sorry, Gordon. But I thought I explained to you that I wanted — uh, we’re only gonna do two songs.

Gordon Lightfoot: Well, we thought that things were going so well, that, maybe, we could, uh, do an extra song.

[ the audience cheers ]

Buck Henry: Hey, look, I’m sorry, folks. I hate ot be a pain, but we really have to go on with the show. I’m gonna have to say no.

Gordon Lightfoot: But, look, we get it on the air, we came all the way from Toronto —

Buck Henry: Hey, look, now you’re beginning to irritate me. [ snaps his fingers and nods off-camera ] [ Futaba rushes onto the stage shouting in faux Japanese, as a close-up reveals him plucking the strings of Lightfoot’s guitar with a pair of plyers ]

Gordon Lightfoot: Oh, hey!

[ Lightfoot is stunned as Futaba bows and Buck Henry stands triumphantly to the side ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Louise Lasser: 07/24/76: Idi “VD” Amin



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 23





75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Idi “VD” Amin

General Idi Amin…..Garrett Morris

General Idi Amin: You know, it’s too bad that venereal disease doesn’t just strike Jews, but the unfortunate fact is, anyone can get it, even nice people like you and me.

[ SUPER: “General Idi “VD” Amin” ]

Hi. I’m General Idi “VD” Amin, and I’m here to tell you about the warning signs of syphilis:

(a) The temporary appearance and subsequent disappearance of open chancre sores on your faloombwehbweh.

(b) Blindness and/or insanity.

(c) The temporary appearance and subsequent disappearance of two low-flying cargo planes and two Boeing 707 jets full of Israeli commandos on your entebbe…

And…

(d) Shrinkage of your faloombwehbweh down to the size of a flashlight. If you have any of these warning signs, don’t neglect them. I know I ignored mine for too long, but fortunately, in my case, the disease has eaten away only the weak parts of my brain, leaving the strong parts free to declare war on Kenya. Here is an X-ray of a normal brain. [ holds up X-ray of a brain ] ..and here is an X-ray of my brain. [ holds up a slice of swiss cheese ] I was lucky. You may not be so lucky. So take it from me, Idid “VD” Amin, and get yourself checked out today. I wish someone had warned me.

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “A Public Service Message from your International Syphilis Association.”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/22/76: Samurai Tailor



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21











75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Samurai Tailor

Samurai Futaba…..John Belushi
Mr. Dantley…..Buck Henry

[ open on interior, tailor shop, as the Samurai screams while sticking pins in a mannequin and measuring its clothes ] [ finally, the Samurai whips out his sword and slices the expressionless head off of the mannequin ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of “Samurai Tailor”!

[ suddenly, Mr. Dantley enters ]

Mr. Dantley: Hi! How you doing? [ the Samurai grunts ] I’m here for the second fitting of the tuxedo. [ the Samurai looks at him suspiciously ] You know. I’m the guy who’s getting married? And, tonight’s… the big night! [ he nudges the Samurai’s shoulder ] [ understanding, the Samurai “oohs” and slides his sword out of its sheath a couple of times ]

Mr. Dantley: We’re all set. I told you about my fiancee, didn’t I? She’s a GREAT girl, you’d LOVE her. But, between you and me, I’m a little nervous.

[ the Samurai looks up curiously, as he cuts a sheet by tearing it between his teeth ]

Mr. Dantley: It sounds crazy, doesn’t it? [ the Samuai nods ] I’m gonna go through with it. I don’t care. Hey! I’ve gotta have that tuxedo. Is it ready? ‘Cause you promised. The black one, uh, 36 short. [ the Samurai strains to recall ] Oh! I almost forgot. Here’s the ticket. [ he pulls the ticket out of his pocket and hands it to the Samurai ] [ the Samurai reacts joyously and smacks himself in the forehead, then screams in pain. He looks at sme tuxedos on the wall, poiting to each wrong color as Mr. Dantley says “No”, then screams when he finds the correct tuxedo and chops the hangar off the wall with his sword. ]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah! That’s the one! Anyway… marital bliss. I guess I’ll really find out how blissful it is, huh?

[ the Samurai chuckles to himself as he helps put the tuxedo on Mr. Dantley ]

Mr. Dantley: You know, it’s a shame — it’s a shame you didn’t have more material, because it would be GREAT to have a vest. sort of a French-cut fancy vest in this Ricardo Montalban style, you know?

Samurai: Montalban?!

Mr. Dantley: Montalban.

Samurai: Montalban?!

Mr. Dantley: Montalban. [ he exits into the dressing room ]

Samurai: [ to himself ] Mont-al-ban!

[ thinking, the Samurai pulls on a roll of fabric, then whips out his sword and slices a swatch of fabric off the roll. Hethen tosses the fabric into the air and swipes his sword at it as it falls to the floor. He picks it off the floor, and there is fancy Montalban vest. Mr. Dantley returns, and is impressed. ]

Mr. Dantley: Hey! That’s incredible! That’s gorgeous. You do some fast work. Now this is some service! Shall I give it a shot? [ the Samurai helps put the vest on Mr. Dantley ] I should have sent all the ushers to you! [ the Samurai laughs ] This is going to be some reception, I’m telling you.

[ the Samurai grunts as he helps put the outer tuxedo on Mr. Dantley ]

Mr. Dantley: Anyway… it looks terrific so far. [ he stands on a base for the final fitting ] Wow… this is going to cost some money. I mean, there’s 75 couples coming. But, her old man is paying — what do I care? [ the Samurai laughs ] [ the Samurai kneels down and measures Mr. Dantley’s inseam, then grunts ]

Mr. Dantley: No, to the left.

[ the Samurai measures the left inseam ]

Mr. Dantley: Hey, uh — uh, there’s something wrong with these sleeves. [ the Samurai grunts ] Well, I asked for one button, and there’s six buttons on each sleeve. I mean, that’s five buttons too many. [ the Samurai looks shocked and disappointed ] I distinctly said ONE button. [ the Samurai steps away, hurt ] Yeah, one! [ the Samurai screams ] ONE!

[ the Samurai falls to his knees and pulls out his sword for hari-kari ]

Mr. Dantley: Oh, no, no! Wait a minute! Don’t take it seriously!

[ Mr. Dantley stops the Samurai, who appears to be relieved ]

Mr. Dantley: It’s not that important, uh… let me take a look. [ he looks into a full-length mirror ] It’s not bad — well, six. It seems a little much, still, though… [ the Samurai points ] Yeah.

[ the Samurai takes his position, then swings his sword upwards to slice off the extra buttons, which go flying through the air ]

Mr. Dantley: [ pleased ] Ah. Yeah.

[ the Samurai’s sword is locked into position, so Mr. Dantley helps to loosen his arm ]

Mr. Dantley: Anyway… uh… let’s see. I didn’t mean to talk harshly back there, but a guy wants to look his best at hids wedding, because you only want to get married once — at least, I hope so. [ the Samurai chuckles ] Now… the first time I was here, I think I asked for a center vent in the back. I don’t really see it.

[ the Samurai grunts, then whips his sword downward and splits a vent down the back of Mr. Dantley’s tuxedo ]

Mr. Dantley: Very nice! Ah, thanks. Well, I guess that’s okay. Anyway… enough partying, I’ve found the right girl, I’m all set, I couldn’t be happier. The suit is wonderful! There’s just one thing that would make me a little bit happier. Uh — about the pants. [ the Samurai looks ] There’s no fly. [ the Samurai grins ] I mean… this is my wedding night. [ the Samurai nods and points ] Yeah.

[ willing to please his customer, the Samurai steps back, throws up his sword and screams as he makes his ai mfor Mr. Dantley’s fly ] [ freeze-frame ]

Announcer: Tune in NEXT week, for another episode of… “Samurai Tailor”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts