SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/22/76: Talk Back

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Talk Back

Frank Noland…..Buck Henry
Announcer…..Dan Aykroyd
Mrs. Noland…..Gilda Radner

[Frank Noland, loud, hard-hitting host of TV call-intalk show, sits in front of a white brick wall andaddresses the camera.]

Frank Noland: Good evening. I’m Frank Noland. And thisis “Talk Back”!

[Cut to the “Talk Back” logo, then pull back to revealFrank Noland sitting beneath it at a table lined withten black telephones. He smokes a cigarette as funky1970s-era theme music and a tough-talking announcerset the scene.]

Announcer: Talk Back! Frank Noland talks to you, thepublic! You, the public, talk to Frank Noland! Helistens! Talk back to Frank Noland and he’ll talk backto you!

Frank Noland: Tonight’s topic is “Federally SupportedMunicipal Bonds — Yes or No?” I’m Frank Noland and Iwant you to talk to me about federally supportedmunicipal bonds. Call me now at one of these toll-freenumbers: Eight zero-zero, five-five-five,three-three-one-zero — one-one, one-two, one-three,one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight andone-nine! [pause] That topic, once again: “FederallySupported Municipal Bonds — Yes or No?” Call me nowand let me know how you feel. Those numbers, onceagain, are: eight zero-zero, five-five-five,three-three-one-zero — one-one, one-two, one-three,one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight andone-nine!

[a long pause, Frank takes a deep drag onhis cigarette, the phones do not ring]

Yes, we’re talking about federally supported municipal bonds!Say, is it a federal problem? Is it a state problem?Is it – is it a combination of federal and stateproblems? Is it YOUR problem? Is it OUR problem? Whydon’t you give me a ring and talk back to me, FrankNoland? The operators ARE standing by! [another longpause, Frank grabs a glass of water and takes a sip,he looks at the silent row of phones, looksuncomfortable] This … is Frank Noland. And our firsttopic tonight is, and has been “Federally SupportedMunicipal Bonds — Yes or No?” Hey! But that’s not theonly issue I’m prepared to talk about tonight. How’bout this one? “Forced Busing — Yes or No?” Huh? I’msure you have as many things to say about forcedbusing as I do. I’m Frank Noland and I’m prepared totalk back to you! And those numbers, once again, areeight zero-zero, five-five-five, three-three-one-zero– one-one, one-two, one-three, one-four, one-five,one-six, one-seven, one-eight and one-nine! Andthey’re TOLL-FREE! Totally toll-free!

[another long pause, Frank takes another drag and impatiently taps his pack of cigarettes on the table]

Let’s run over those burning issues once again, shall we? They are, one, “Federally Supported Municipal Bonds” and, two,”Forced Busing”! Remember, toll-free! Totally free!You pay nothing here. We pay for the entire call.[phone rings once, Frank reaches for phone] And here’sour first on “Talk Back” right now!

[Frank puts his hand on the phone and freezes as he realizes that it has stopped ringing — another pause, Frank lets go ofthe phone and puts his hand to his head – he’s gettingdesperate]

Here’s another issue that may interest you: “Soviet Communism — Let’s Give It a Chance”! I’ll bet there are some of you who have opinions on this one. That’s Soviet Communism here — here and now! Here, in this country, in your own community. I guess there areplenty of good, red-blooded Americans out there who’ll have a little something to say about that. And, if there are, and you want to talk back to me, Frank Noland, I’m prepared to talk back to you! Maybe you forgot to make a note of those numbers. The numbersagain are eight zero-zero, five-five-five,three-three-one-zero — one-one, one-two, one-three,one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight andone-nine. And I’m ready to talk back on these sametopics: Federally Supported Municipal Bonds, ForcedBusing, and “Soviet Communism Here and Now”! I, FrankNoland, am ready to talk back to you in support ofspending federal funds to bus known Soviet Communistsinto your community now — to teach your children andto live in your house, whether you like it or not!Now, if anyone has another position, and it’s yourright as an American to disagree, give me a call onone of these toll-free lines. Call me collect! I’llanswer and I’ll talk back to– I’ll talk. I–

[pause, Frank puts an unlit cigarette in his mouth, thinks fora moment, then leans forward intently]

How ’bout this? “Killing Puppies — It Doesn’t Bother Me” … That’s me, Frank Noland, and I LIKE dead puppies! Frankly,I’m totally in favor of using federally supportedmunicipal bonds to pay for forced busing of SovietCommunists to come into your homes to kill yourpuppies! Give me a call, won’t you? The lines areopen. Tell ME what you think about it. [lights hiscigarette, mumbles to himself] Dead, mangled puppies… I like ’em …

[starting to lose it]

Okay. While you’re thinking about THOSE topics, here are a half a dozen others which I, Frank Noland, am personally infavor of. “Adolf Hitler — Boy, Do We Need Him Now”!Huh? What about that? Hey, “Incest — I Practice It,Why Don’t You?” Give me a call. Talk to me about it.[A sympathetic woman enters and joins Frank] “NoToilets for the Blind”? Call me! Call me, if you’rewatching! And, and–

Mrs. Noland: Frank? Frank, honey?

Frank Noland: “The Ozone Layer — Let’s Get Rid ofIt”!

Mrs. Noland: Frank, honey. Honey, let’s go home.

Frank Noland: How ’bout “Suicide — Fun for theElderly”? [The sympathetic woman gently guides Frankout of his chair and offscreen] I– I– What happened?Nobody called. I don’t understand it. What about nuns?We could do something about nuns… [As they exit,funky theme music begins and we zoom in on the “TalkBack” logo.]

Announcer: Join us again tomorrow on “Talk Back”!Frank Noland talks to the public! You, the public,talk to Frank Noland! He listens on “Talk Back”!

[Dissolve to the applauding audience. Asuperimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT: NEW HOPE FORTHE TERMINALLY CURIOUS]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

May 29th, 1976

Elliot Gould

Leon Redbone

Harlan Collins

Joyce Everson



Neil Levy

Paul Shaffer

Doris Powell

Akira Yoshimura

Season 1: Order Now!free website hit counter Wax MuseumSummary: A pervert (Chevy Chase) gets his kicks touching and flashing the statues (Laraine Newman, Neil Levy, Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner) at a wax museum.


Elliot Gould’s MonologueSummary: To set the mood for tonight’s show, Elliott Gould sings the old standard “Anything Goes”.

First Hosted: 75i.


Academy of Better CareersSummary: Now you can be a stand-by operator, too.

Note: Repeat from 10/11/75.

Poker GameSummary: Because of his extreme southern hospitality and gullible graciousness, Mr. Russo (Dan Aykroyd) is honored to be taken advantage of by Mr. Diarga (Chevy Chase) and his interpretor (Elliott Gould) during a friendly high-stakes poker game.


Babs’ UvulaSummary: Babs’ (Gilda Radner) doctor (Chevy Chase) tells her that she’s let her uvula go to the dogs.


Leon Redbone performs “Shine On Harvest Moon”

The Last Voyage of the Starship EnterpriseSummary: The crew of the Starship Enterprise are wary of a mysterious car following them through space. Unable to escape the strange pursuit, the car’s occupants, NBC executive Herb Goodman (Elliot Gould) and his associates, soon enter the Starship Enterprise, whereupon they announce that the “Star Trek” series has been cancelled. The crew accepts this proclamation, but William Shatner (John Belushi) hangs on to his persona as Captain Kirk, determined to get his crew out of this unexpected twist, even as NBC executives dismantle the set around him.

Recurring Characters: Captain James T. Kirk, Scotty, Mr. Sulu, Dr. McCoy, Herb Goodman.


Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Chevy makes faces during Audrey Peart-Dickman’s (Jane Curtin) patriotic Bicentennial commentary. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) helps Chevy Chase repeat the evening’s “flop” news story.

Note: Audrey Peart-Dickman is also the name of the show’s Associate Producer.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.


Vibramatic Personal MassagerSummary: The personal massager that slices and dices vegetables for a husband’s (Elliott Gould) midnight salad, while working as a comforting sleep aid and relaxer for his wife (Laraine Newman).

Shirley Temple BlackSummary: As the new anbassador to Ghana, Shirley Temple Black (Laraine Newman) breaks into a melody of “Hi Neighbor.

Gary Weis FilmSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Elliott Gould sits in as kids learn old vaudeville acts at “Uncle Charlie’s School.”

The HoneymoonersSummary: The Bees portray “The Honeymooners”, with Ralph (John Belushi) and Alice (Gilda Radner) getting into a fight before she reveals her pregnancy.

Recurring Characters: Bees.


Leon Redbone performs “Walking Stick”

Show Us Your GunsSummary: In a parody of the Lark cigarette commercials, SNL’s film truck passes through the city streets asking to see citizens’ firearms.

Note: Repeat from 10/11/75.

Harlan Collins & Joyce Everson perform “Heaven Only Knows”


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: The Honeymooners

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

The Honeymooners

Ralph…..John Belushi
Ed…..Dan Aykroyd
Alice…..Gilda Radner
Trixie…..Jane Curtin

[ open on black-and-white “Honeymooners” opening ]

Announcer: And now, The Bees present: John Belushi in “The Honeymooners”. With stars: Danny Aykroyd, Gilda Radner, and Jane Curtin.

[ dissolve to interior, Kramden apartment, Alice and Trixie seated at the kitchen table ]

Trixie: So Ed came home drunk the other night, Alice, and he started telling me about all his old girlfriends. Did you know that Ed’s first lover was a fly?

Alice: Gee, Trixie… I can’t, uh, I can’t see Ed with a fly. They’re usually so, uh, so cold and closed.

Trixie: Well, Ed’s fly was open. Did the tear help your stomach?

Alice: I don’t know, I still feel so nauseous. I think I’m gonna go lie down for a while.

Trixie: Well, that’s just as well — I have to go upstairs and finish making Ed’s dinner.

Alice: Oh, what are you making for dinner?

Trixie: Rose hips.

Alice: Oh. Okay, Trixie, I’ll talk to you later.

Trixie: Take care, honey.

Alice: Okay.

[ Trixie exits the apartment ]

[ Alice exits into the bedroom ]

[ Ralph enters the apartment, to huge applause from the audience ]

Ralph: ALICE!!

Alice: I’ll be right out!

Ralph: Alice, I’m home!!

Alice: I’ll be right out, Ralph!

[ Ralph sits down at the kitchen to read his newspaper, but freezes in crouch position and screams. He turns his body to reveal that knitting needles have punctured his bottom side ]

[ Alice enters from the bedroom ]

Alice: What’s the matter, Ralph? what’s gotten into you?

Ralph: Your knitting needles, that’s what’s gotten into me! Now, look — get ’em out, will ya’?! What am I gonna say to the guys down at the Raccoon Lodge, what are they gonna think?!

Alice: Why don’t you tell them you swallowed a porcupine?

Ralph: Hardy-har-har-har! Hardy-har-har-har, Alice! You’re really funny, Alice! You’re really a riot, Alice! You’re gonna GO PLACES, Alice!! You know where you’re gonna go, alice?!

Alice: Where, Ralph?


[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Alice: No, Ralph. I’m gonna go into the bedroom — I feel nauseous.

[ Alice exits into the bedroom, as Ralph scoffs ]

Ralph: Bang! Zoom! [ he leans his head out of the window ] Hey, Norton!

[ Ed casually enters from the hallway ]

Ed: Hey, Ralphie Bee!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Ralph: Norton! Norton, get these things out of me!

Ed: Ralph! Are those knitting needles sticking out of your yonkabit like a geisha schoolbus! [ he chuckles like an idiot ]


Ed: Okay, okay, okay, Ralphie — I’m just here to help!

[ Ed checks his wrists and adjusts them accordingly ]

Ralph: WILL YOU COME ON!! Get ’em out of me!!

Ed: Okay, okay, Ralphie! Take it easy, take it easy!

[ Ed yanks the needles loose, as Ralphs screams his relief ]

Ed: There they are, Ralph!

Ralph: Give me those! [ he grabs the needles ] You know, I don’t understand it, Norton! I don’t understand what’s going on around here! I find these knitting needles around here, and alice says she’s always nauseous all the time!

Ed: Knitting needles?

Ralph: Yes!

Ed: She’s nauseous?

Ralph: Yeah, she’s nauseous!

Ed: You know what that means, Ralphie Boy? A little drone! A worker, Ralphie! Maybe even a queen! Hey, hey, hey, Ralphie boy, congratulations! [ he hands a stunned Ralph a cigar and chuckles, then starts to cry ] My Ralphie! Gonna have a worker!

Ralph: Norton! Norton! Old pal of mine. Old buddy of mine, Norton. My Alice — pregnant, with a little Ralph.

Ed: I didn’t think you had it in you, Ralph!


Ed: Okay, Ralph, I’m leaving!

[ Ed exits the apartment ]

[ Ralph begins to stammer ]

Ralph: Alice! Alice! Sweetie?

[ Alice exits the bedroom ]

Ralph: Alice? Alice? Why didn’t you tell me we were having a baby?

Alice: Because, Ralph — it’s not yours. [ Ralph furrows his brow ] It’s Ed Norton’s!

Ralph: Baby… you’re the greatest!

[ Ralph pulls Alice down for a passionate kiss, as the theme music crescendoes ]

[ SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Summer Vacations For The Dead.” ]

[ fade ]

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SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone


…..Elliot Gould

[ return from commercial to find Elliott Gould dressed as a cowgirl ]

Elliott Gould: Well, folks, that’s all for tonight. We’re going away for some vacation time, but don’t worry — they’re gonna rerun some of our old shows, and, later on in the season, we’re gonna be back with Louise Lasser. Until then, we just want to say:

[ pull back to reveal the entire cast is also dressed as cowgirls ]

Elliott Gould & Cast: [ singing ] “Happy trails to you, until we meet again.
Happy trails to you, keep smilin’ until then.
Happy trails to you ’till we meet again.”

Elliott Gould: Again! Everybody!

Elliott Gould & Cast: [ singing ] “Happy trails to you, until we meet again.
Happy trails to you, keep smilin’ until then.
Happy trails to you ’till we meet again.”

Announcer: Others in tonight’s cast were Teri Garr, Doris Powell, Ronald Reagan, and Akira Yoshimura. Next Saturday, watch NBC’s “Weekend with Lloyd Dobbins.” Two weeks from tonight, Robert Klewin hosts “Saturday Night”. This is Don Pardo, and I would rather be an announcer than anything else in the whole wide world — except, maybe, a fireman… a cowboy or an Indian… an astronaut, or a forest ranger, a reindeer, a driving instructor, or a horsie… orrrrrr ?? Nahhhh, I’ll think of something!

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SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: Elliot Gould’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

Elliot Gould’s Monologue

…..Elliot Gould

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Elliot Gould!

[ Elliott Gould runs down the stairs while peeling a banana, then hands the banana to an audience member as he reaches the apron of Home Base ]

Elliott Gould: [ holding his arms out ] Times have changed.

[ in the background, Paul Shaffer tinkles the keys of his piano ]

Elliott Gould: [ singing ] “And we’ve often rewound the clock
Since the puritans got a shock
When they landed on Plymouth Rock.
Iiiiif today, any shock they should try to stem
instead of landing on Plymouth Rock
Plymouth rock would land on them.

In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking
Now, heaven knows
Anything goes.

Good authors, too, who once knew better words
Now only use four-letter words
Writing prose
Anything goes.

The world has gone mad today
And good’s bad today
And black’s white today
And day’s night today
When most guys today that women prize today
Are just silly gigolos.

So though I ain’t no great romancer
I know that you’re bound to answer
When I propose
Anything goes!”

[ he dances around ]

“The world has gone mad today
And black’s white today
And day’s night today
And what’s right today
And all the guys today that women prize today
Are just… [ he waves his arms ]

So though I ain’t no great romancer
I know that I’m bound to answer
When you propo-o-o-o-o-ose
And, tonight… everything goes”

Right after this message, from the message giver, who’s gonna deliver a mesage… in a minute!

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: Poker Game

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

Poker Game

Mr. Russo…..Dan Aykroyd
Johnny Sagpants…..Garrett Morris
Moe Greenstein…..Elliott Gould
Ramone Diarga…..Chevy Chase

[ pull down from audience balcony shot to the set below ]

Mr. Russo: Well, I’m ready to play some Poker, Johnny! How soon is this European hotshot gonna arrive?

Johnny Sagpants: Well, any minute now, Mr. Russo. His reply said 9:30.

Mr. Russo: Well, it’s nice of him to grace our humble city of N’awlins though, isn’t it? [ he chuckles ] They say he’s a gentleman of honor, you know? And, Johnny, there aren’t many gentlemen left in the world today.

Johnny Sagpants: Well, uh, they say he’s the best card player in all Europe, so you’d better be on your toes tonight, Mr. Russo!

Mr. Russo: Don’t you worry yourself, Johnny! You just hand me my stakes when I want ’em, then sit back and watch somebodty get taught a lesson!

[ they laugh, as a knock is heard at the door ]

Johnny Sagpants: Oh, that must be them now!

Mr. Russo: Well, show them in, Johnny, by all means. Show them in!

Johnny Sagpants: Yes, indeed!

[ Johnny answers the door ]

Moe Greenstein: Good evening! Excuse us for being late. May I introduce Mr. Ramone Diarga himself! [ Diarga shakes hands with Russo ]

Mr. Russo: Very, very pleased to meet you!

Moe Greenstein: I’m Moe Greenstein, Mr. Diargo’s personal interpretor and backer. And you, sir, you must be Mr. Russo, I presume.

Mr. Russo: My southern hospitable pleasure and honor to meet you gentlemen and welcome you into my home! [ he shakes Greenstein’s hand ] I’d like you to meet my most… [ Diarga kisses Russo’s hand ] trusted manservant, friend and consultant — Johnny Sagpants! [ Johnny nods ] Been with me for thirty years! Johnny, whiskey, please! Gentlemen, please be seated, please sit down here! How about we start with some, uh, Royal Five Card Draw — $1,000 limit, three raises.

[ they all sit at the poker table ]

Moe Greenstein: Well… thise raises sound pretty steep, sir.

Mr. Russo: Mmm-hmm…

[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]

Moe Greenstein: Mr. Diarga says that it’ll be fine with him.

Mr. Russo: Good. Good, good! Well, permit me to have the honor of toasting your visit to out fair city here! [ they stand and toast their glasses ] The honor of the first deal, sir, will go to you.

[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent, as Greenstein mumbles back ]

Mr. Russo: You know, Mr. Diarga, everything in the south of the great nation is indeed an honor! And it is indeed an honor to extend the courtesy to honorable and distinguished gentlemen from the fine, fine nation of Europe! Yesirree! Five Card Draw — a gentlemen’s poker game!

Moe Greenstein: And I know Mr. Diarga agrees with you.

[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]

Moe Greenstein: He says that it is HIS honor to be honored by your hospitable generosity, Your Honor.

Mr. Russo: Well, I am indeed honored.

[ Diarga deals the cards between himself and Russo, then adds the remaining deck to his hand of cards ] [ Johnny taps Russo on the shoulder ]

Mr. Russo: Uh — excuse me, excuse me, please! [ to Johnny ] Don’t bother me, Johnny, I’ve got something coming my way here. [ to Diarga ] Uh, you’ve got all the cards in your hand. I believe that’s, uh, that’s not correct, sir. I mean, uh, you have all the…

[ Greenstein mumbles to Diargara in an incomprehensible foreign accent, as Diarga responds in kind ]

Moe Greenstein: Oh. Mr. Diarga apologizes, sir. He’s used to the European custom, on the first hand, to hold all the cards if you’re dealing.

Mr. Russo: [ laughing ] Ah! Well, we’ll call it a misdeal! [ Diarga collects all the cards so thet can start over ] I understand you are gentlemen of honor, I’m a gentleman of honor, this was done with honor! You’re a SCHOLAR of honor — [ Diarga grabs one stack of Russo’s stakes ] And wait just a minute now! I believe this belongs to ME!

Moe Greenstein: That’s another custom, sir. It’s a trifle. It’s a custom.

Mr. Russo: Ah! Another custom!

Moe Greenstein: It’s a custom.

[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent, as Greenstein mumbles back ]

Mr. Russo: Well, I accept it with honor. [ Diarga deals the cards ] Yes, indeed. You know, my great-grandfather, David Benoit, was involved in affairs in France, but, uh, he never actually, uh, took me over here, but I knew, uh, except — [ Diarga peeks at Russo’s cards ] Excuse me! Y-y-y-you just looked at my cards, Mr. Diarga! Now, please, I’m afraid you can’t do that!

[ Greenstein and Diarga mumble back and forth to one another in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]

Moe Greenstein: [ to Russo, in all seriousness ] You don’t play Dealer’s Look in this country?

Mr. Russo: [ confused ] “Dealer’s Look”? Why, I-I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that.

[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]

Moe Greenstein: Once again, sir, Mr. Diarga apologizes and HONORS you with the taking of your stakes in a show of good faith and honor.

[ Diarga collects Russo;s stacks of stakes ]

Mr. Russo: [ more confused ] The taking of my stakes, sir?

Moe Greenstein: Ohhhh, yes. The taking of the stakes. It’s an honor seldom even in the European capitols of your nation.

Mr. Russo: Well!

Moe Greenstein: Once, at Buckingham Palace. You know, sir, Mr. Diarga genuinely respects you, Mr. Russo.

Mr. Russo: Hmm… [ Diarga rises for a toast ] Yes, indeed! Yes, indeed! [ he stands ] [ Diarga mumbles his toast in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]

Moe Greenstein: Mr. Diarga says that he has NEVER encouraged such graciousness and hospitality as New Orleans hosptiality, and that you, sir, are a true-blooded gentleman of great honor! and he says that he will take more stakes — in your honor, sir!

[ Diarga collects more of Russo’s stakes ]

Johnny Sagpants: Mr. Russo, this is ridiculous!

Mr. Russo: Never mind, Johnny. Just get me some more stakes and a few more whiskeys.

Johnny Sagpants: Mr, Russo, man, he is busting your chops!

Mr. Russo: [ sitting down ] Uh — uh — hold it, hold it here! Let’s play a different game, alright? Just for a little variety’s sake. [ he chuckles ] Okay? We’ll just call this a misdeal, shall we?

[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]

Moe Greenstein: Mr. Diarga wants to know if you will continue to give him the honor of the first deal?

Mr. Russo: Why, certainly! Certainly! I’d be quite pleased to! Pleased to.

[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent, then picks Up Russo’s stakes and hands them to Greenstein ]

Moe Greenstein: Uh — he thanks you once again, sir, and he honors you with the giving… of the stakes. This is where he takes your stakes, and he gives them to me — for which I am DEEPLY honored, sir, for your fine Southern hospitality, and I wish to thank you myself, Mr. Russo!

Mr. Russo: Whyyyyy… you’re most welcome! How about a little Blackjack? Maybe I can recoup a bit of my losses here.

[ Greenstein mumbles to Diarga in an incomprehensible foreign accent ] [ Diarga nods, then deals the cards — one facedown to Russo, one facedown to himself; one facedwon to Russo, one face up for himself; then one each face-up for both of them ]

Mr. Russo: Uh, begging your pardon — but I believe you’re supposed to deal one down and one up. Is that not the correct procedure?

[ Diarga and Greenstein mumble to each other in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]

Moe Greenstein: Mr. Diarga apologizes once again, sir, for the mistake, and he drinks to you with both his own AND with your drink.

[ Diarga chugs both drinks ]

Mr. Russo: [ stunned ] Why, I — I am naturally honored, sir! Naturally, I’m honored. [ Diarga grabs more of russo’s stakes and pockets his playing cards ] Uh — excuse me there. I think, uh — well, I —

Johnny Sagpants: [ coming in early ] Hey, wait a minute! That’s Mr. Russo’s cards you got, isn’t it?

Mr. Russo: Uh — yes. Yes.

Ramone Diarga: [ confused ] Blackjack?

Mr. Russo: Ante it up here! [ Diarga deals the cards ] BLACKJACK!! Yes!

Ramone Diarga: Blackjack! [ he deals more cards to Russo ]

Mr. Russo: Wait a minute! I had a Blackjack there!

Moe Greenstein: Sir!

Johnny Sagpants: Wait a minute! Now you’re hitting Mr. Russo’s cards!

Moe Greenstein: Sir! Excuse me. In Europe, the expression “Blackjack” means “Hit me! Give me another card.”

Ramone Diarga: [ still throwing down cards ] Blackjack! Blackjack!

Moe Greenstein: Once again, Mr. Diarga is deeply ashamed and humbled by misunderstanding the New Orleans Blackjack rules.

Mr. Russo: Well! I’m sure it was a misunderstanding with honor, and if that’s okay with —

Moe Greenstein: With HONOR!

Mr. Russo: HONOR!

Moe Greenstein: With honor, sir!

Mr. Russo: We’ll call it a misdeal, and you can just give me back my stake there, if you would, please. Please, sir! Please!

[ Russo grabs for his stakes, but Diarga pushes him back ]

Moe Greenstein: No, no. Mr. Russo…

[ Diarga mumbles in an incomprehensible foreign accent ]

Mr. Russo: Please!

Moe Greenstein: The Count — Diarga — says that you are the most accomodating and hospitable gentleman the world has ever known, sir. And that it would be the GREATEST insult for you to take any money back from him.

Mr. Russo: Uh, well — fine. That’s done with honor! Done with honor! [ he clears his throat ]

Moe Greenstein: He would like another drink, and he says that you are very handsome fellow and he’d like to meet your wife immediately.

Mr. Russo: Well, I — I don’t have a wife. My wife is long since DEAD.

[ Diarga mumbles to Greenstein in an incomprehensible foreign accent, as Greenstein responds ]

Moe Greenstein: In that case, he no longer wishes to meet your wife, uh, and he publicly mourns her and, uh, it’s a great custom in Europe, and privately we feel that we should, uh, return to the hotel and mourn privately.

Mr. Russo: Well! I am indeed IMPRESSED by your gallantry and honor, mourning my wife! [ Diarga and Greenstein collect all the stakes ] I don’t know what to say, except show these gentlemen to the door, please! Please, Johnny! I’m TOUCHED by this show of affection for someone you did not know. I — I — I — I’m very pleased!

[ Diarga and Greenstein grab a pair of candleabras ]

Moe Greenstein: Sir, you’re a most honorable gentleman, it was a privilege to play with you, sir!

Mr. Russo: [ breaking into tears ] I take this as the greatest gesture of honor — indeed, a gesture of honor here and now!

Ramone Diarga: So long, thanks a lot.

[ Diarga and Greenstein exit ]

Johnny Sagpants: Mr. — Mr. — Mr. Russo! Did you hear that? He spoke English!

Mr. Russo: [ sobbing ] Yes, I know! He even took the courtesy to learn the language!

[ Johnny rolls his eyes ] [ dissolve to audience zoom upon woman, with SUPER: “Who Are We To Judge This Person?” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: The Last Voyage of the Starship Enterprise

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

The Last Voyage of the Starship Enterprise

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Mr. Spock…..Chevy Chase
Captain Kirk…..John Belushi
Mr. Sulu…..Akira Yoshimura
Lt. Uhura…..Doris Powell
Voice of Mr. Scott…..Dan Aykroyd
Dr. McCoy…..Dan Aykroyd
Herb Goodman…..Elliot Gould
Curtis…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: The following program is brought to you in livingcolor by NBC.

Mr. Spock: Captain Kirk to the bridge! Captain Kirk to the bridge!

Captain Kirk: Yes, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: Sensors are picking up an unidentified vessel, Captain, headed straight for us.

Captain Kirk: Range, Mr. Sulu?

Mr. Sulu: .43 light years, sir, and closing fast.

Captain Kirk: Lt. Uhura, open a hailing frequency.

Lt. Uhura: I’ve been trying to reach them, but there’s been noresponse, sir.

Captain Kirk: [ into microphone ] This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Identify yourself. [ to Uhura ] Put them on the viewscreen, full magnification.

Lt. Uhura: Aye aye, sir.

Captain Kirk: [ into microphone ] Repeat. Identify yourself.[ viewscreen shows a maroon 1968 Chrysler limo flying behind them ] What kind of ship is that, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: Fascinating, Captain. It would appear to be an earlygas combustion vehicle, at least two or three hundred years old.

Captain Kirk: Run it through the computer. Find out what thoselittle numbers mean. I want answers.

Mr. Spock: Process visual feed. Analyze and reply.

Captain Kirk: I have a hunch, Mr. Spock, that we are about to face a menace more terrifying than the flying parasites of Ingraham B; more insidious than the sand-bats of Manark 4; more bloodthirsty than the vampire clouds of Argus 10. I have a hunch that “thing” out there is deadlier than the Romulans, the Klingons, and the Gorns all rolled into one.

Mr. Spock: Here is the readout, Captain. The computer has identified the alien vessel as a 1968 Chrysler Imperial with a tinted windshield and retractable headlights.

Captain Kirk: And the little blue and orange numbers?

Mr. Spock: That’s called a “California license plate”, and it’sregistered, or was in 1968, to a corporation known as “NBC”. Wait.. there’s something more.. The computer isn’t sure, but it thinks this NBC used to manufacture cookies.

Captain Kirk: Could that be some sort of illusion, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: It’s no illusion, Captain. Scanner readings indicate two life forms inside that craft.

Captain Kirk: Mr. Sulu, increase speed to Warp Factor Eight.

Mr. Sulu: But, sir, that’s only for the most extreme emergencies. The ship can’t take it.

Captain Kirk: You heard my order, Mr. Sulu.

Mr. Sulu: Aye aye, sir.

Captain Kirk: [ recording Log ] Captain’s Log, Stardate 3615.6. On a routine delivery of medical supplies to Earth Colony 9, we are being chased through space by an automobile three centuries old, owned by a company that manufactured cookies. It would all seem silly if it weren’t for this feeling of dread that haunts me, a sense of impending doom.

Mr. Sulu: They’re right behind us, Captain.

Captain Kirk: Let’s lose them, Mr. Sulu. Prepare for evasive action. Helm hard to port! ..Hard to starboard! ..Hard to port!

Mr. Spock: Frankly, Captain, I’m exhausted.

Captain Kirk: Me, too. Stabilize, Mr. Sulu.

Mr. Sulu: Look, Captain, it’s no use. We can’t shake them.

Captain Kirk: Then we’ll give them a fight they won’t forget. [ into intercom ] All hands! Man your battle stations! This is not a drill! Red alert! Man your battle stations! Red alert!

Mr. Spock: But, Captain..

Captain Kirk: Lock phasers on target, Mr. Sulu.

Mr. Sulu: Phasers locked on target, sir.

Mr. Spock: But, Captain, you can’t..

Captain Kirk: Stand by to fire.

Mr. Sulu: Phasers standing by, sir.

Mr. Spock: But, Captain, we don’t know who the aliens are, or what they want. To kill them without warning would be highly illogical.

Captain Kirk: Fact: their intentions are unknown. Fact: I amresponsible for the lives of 430 crewmen. And, fact: I can’t afford totake any chances. Fire main phasers! [ nothing happens ] I said, “Fire main phasers!”

Mr. Sulu: I’m trying, sir. Nothing is happening.

Captain Kirk: Arm and lock photon torpedoes, Mr. Sulu.

Mr. Sulu: They’re not working either, Captain.

Captain Kirk: Deflectors up.

Mr. Sulu: Captain, the helm does not respond. The controlsare dead.

Mr. Spock: We’re slowing down, Captain. We’re stopping.

Captain Kirk: Bridge to engine room, acknowledge.

Voice of Mr. Scott: [ through control panel ] Scotty here, Captain.

Captain Kirk: What in blazes is going on, Scotty?

Voice of Mr. Scott: I dinna know, Captain. We’re losing power, and I don’t know why!

Captain Kirk: Well, do something, man! Go to manual override. Cut in auxilery systems.

Voice of Mr. Scott: Saints preserve us, Captain, but even theemergency systems are out.

Captain Kirk: Well, fix it, Scotty. I don’t care how, but fix it! The lives of 430 crewmen hang in the balance.

Mr. Spock: Life support system are still operative, Captain.

Captain Kirk: But for how long, Mr.Spock? For how long?Lieutenant Uhura, inform Starfleet Command of our situation.

Lt. Uhura: All communications are dead, Captain.

Dr. McCoy: Jim, Jim.. I.. I.. Jim..

Captain Kirk: Great God, man, spit it out!

Dr. McCoy: The aliens have boarded us, Jim, and they’re headed this way!

Captain Kirk: But how, Bones? How did they get on board? Did they beam on? Did they suddenly materialize?

Dr. McCoy: No, they just sort of stepped out from behind thecurtains.

Mr. Spock: Describe them, Doctor.

Dr. McCoy: There’s two of them. Bipeds, humanoid in appearance.Their clothing is drab except for a bright piece of cloth worn around the neck of the leader.

Mr. Spock: Was their anything else odd about their clothing?

Dr. McCoy: I’m a doctor, not a tailor, dammit! Wait, there was one other thing about them that seemed a bit strange. They spoke English! Quick, Jim, I hear them coming up the Turbo-lift! They’ll be here in seconds!

Captain Kirk: We’ll be ready for them, Doctor. [ they all pointtheir phasers at the entranceway as two executives enter ] Welcome aboard the Starship Enterprise. I’m Captain James T. Kirk, representing the United Federation of Planets.

Herb Goodman: Hi, I’m Herb Goodman, head of programming for thenetwork.

Captain Kirk: Stand back, I won’t hesitate to shoot!

Herb Goodman: Can I have your attention. Curtis, you want to turn off those sound effects?

Curtis: Sure thing. [ turns sound effects off ]

Herb Goodman: Everyone, please, can I have your attention? I have an announcement to make. Due to low Nielsen ratings, we at NBC have decided to cancel “Star Trek”.

Captain Kirk: Fire at my command!

Herb Goodman: On your way out, stop by the cashier’s office andpick up your checks.

Captain Kirk: Set phasers on “stun.” Fire!

Dr. McCoy: They’re not firing, Jim!

Captain Kirk: Try “kill!”

Dr. McCoy: Nope, still nothing.
Herb Goodman: You’ll make sure the property department gets those things back ,won’t you, fellas?

Mr. Spock: Most peculiar, Captain.. I can only conclude that they possess some sort of weapons deactivator, in which case I shall merely render him unconcious with my famous Vulcan nerve pinch.

Herb Goodman: Of course, if it was up to me, you could keep them – as souvenirs, give them to your kids, whatever.. But you see, they’re planning to market a complete line of Trekkie merchandise, and I have to send these to Taiwan to be copied.. [ Mr. Spock applies the Vulcan nerve pinch, but Goodman misinterprets his action ] ..Isn’t that fabric something? You just can’t buy material like this in the States. No way! But I was lucky enough to find this great little tailor who flies in from London four times a year.. oh, Nimoy, we’ll need those ears back, too, I’m afraid. [ pulls Spock’s rubber ears off ]

Dr. McCoy: For God’s sake, man, we’re on a five-year mission toexplore space, the final frontier, and dammit, we’ve only been out three years!

Herb Goodman: Sorry, but it’s those Nielsens. If it was up tome, of course..

Captain Kirk: What are these “Nielsens” that the alienkeeps mentioning, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: If I remember my history correctly, Captain, Nielsenswere a primitive system of estimating television viewers once used in the mid-twentienth century.

Dr. McCoy: If Man were meant to fly, he’d have better ratings, is that what you’re saying, Mr. Goodbody, whatever your name is? Come on, George, Nichelle.. let’s go tie one on.

Lt. Uhura: I’m with you, Kelley.

Mr. Sulu: Maybe I’ll just go home..

Captain Kirk: Belay that kind of talk, Dr. McCoy.

Dr. McCoy: Forget it, Bill. We lost. It’s over. Are you coming, Leonard? [ Spock attempts nerve pinch on Dr. McCoy ] Knock it off, you joker!

Captain Kirk: Wait, Mr. Spock! We have yet to try Vulcan mind meld, where you actually enter the alien’s brain, merge with his intelligence and read his thoughts.

Mr. Spock: I entered Mr. Goodman’s mind while you were talking to Dr. McCoy, Captain. [ Curtis enters and pries the set apart with a crowbar ] It was all.. all dark and empty in there. And.. and there were little mice in the corners and spiders had spun this web..

Captain Kirk: Spock!

Mr. Spock: I kept bumping my head on the ceiling, and once..

Captain Kirk: Snap out of it, Spock!

Mr. Spock: [ with a shudder ] It’s okay, Captain.. I’m alright now.

Herb Goodman: What do you think, Curtis? Any chance we can sell this junk to “Lost in Space”?

Curtis: Well, it all comes apart..

Captain Kirk: Hey, get away from there!

Curtis: Right on, Buck Rogers! Is that an order?

Captain Kirk: No, it can’t end like this! I won’t let it! This is my ship! I give the orders here! I give the commands! I am responsible for the lives of 430 crewmen, and I’m not going to let them down! There’s got to be a way out!

Curtis: Let’s go, boys.

[ a group of NBC stagehands enter and begin to dismantle the set ]

Mr. Spock: You are becoming quite emotional, Captain. Needless to say, my trained Vulcan mind finds such open displays of emotion distasteful. Emotion, you see, intereferes with logic, and it is only by dealing with problems in a logical, scientific fashion that we can arrive at valid solutions. Now, with regard to the alien takeover of the Enterprise, I would suggest that we seek some new alternative, based upon exact computer analysis, of course, and taking into consideration elements of.. [ suddenly breaks into a weeping lunatic ] ..Oh, God! I don’t believe it! We’re cancelled! How could they do this? Everyone I know loves the show! I have a contract! What about my contract! I want my ears back!

Herb Goodman: Curtis, can you give me a hand here?

Curtis: I have a couple Valium in my tool box, maybe that’ll help.

[ Spock exits the set ]

Captain Kirk: So, it’s just me, is it? Well, I’ve been in tougher spots. Surrender? No way. I’d rather go down with the ship!

Herb Goodman: Oh, Shatner, your agent called you. Something about a margarine commercial. He said he’d call back.

Captain Kirk: Captain’s Log, final entry. We have tried to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. And except for one television network, we have found intelligent life everywhere in the galaxy. Live long and prosper. Captain James T. Kirk, SC 937-0176 CEC.

[ camera zooms out to show Captain Kirk/William Shatner sitting alone in what is revealed to be an empty TV studio. Further zoom out reveals studio cameras, boom mikes and technicians. Fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
Audrey Peart Dickman…..Jane Curtin
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] That’s silly — everybody makes noise. Everybody reacts differently. So what if you happen to laugh? That’s not a — [ he looks up to see the camera ] I gotta go! [ he hangs up ]

Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and so are you!

Our top story tonight: Cuban premier Fidel Castro announced that he is pulling out of Angola. A frustrated Angola could not be reached for comment.

Jimmy Carter and his wife Rosalynn, in an effort to dramatize the solidarity of their marriage, had themselves epoxied together at the cheeks.

Also on the campaign trail: Trailing in the primaries, Morris Udall made a last-ditch effort at vote-getting by showing the crowd that he can lift a chair.

Well, Ohio representative Wayne Hayes, shown here holding up nothing, submitted his relationship with a $14,000 a year secretary. Sources report that Hayes, after doing soem quick arithmatic, commented, “$14,000 a year? I thought it was $38 a night.”

[ as the Chromakey slide changes, revealing a naked woman with exposed nipple, Chevy quickly jumps up to cover the nipple with his hand ]Sorry about this here…

The woman in question, Elizabeth Ray, posing here for a Girls of Washington layout in Playboy Magazine, September, reportedly told the press: “I can’t use a typewriter. I don’t know an “L” from an “R”, and, after all, this is an election season.”

[ Chevy sits, as the slide changes a photo of a couple ]

Well… nobody really cares any more!

The West Point Cheating Scandal has reached such large proportions, that the academy is considering changing its honor code rather than expelling hundreds of West Point cadets. The honor code now states that a cadet will not lie, steal or cheat. The new code being proposed states that a cadet will not lie or steal.

Well, Air Bulgaria, today, proudly unveiled its new supersonic transport plane, designed to compete with the Concorde now in service. The craft will fly at twice the speed of sound — if they can get it inside a Concorde.

At the University of Nevada, Frank Sinatra received a double honor this week: He was named Doctor of Humane Letters, and also the winner of this year’s Mickey rooney Look-alike Contest.

Boston Bruin Bobby Orr, the superstar defenseman, announced that he will give up hockey to enter in the freestyle diving event in the ’76 Olypmics. He is shown here executing a perfect swan dive into solid ice.

Former Vice-President Spiro Agnew took time out from his new promotional tour this week to attend a masquerade party given in his honor. Agnew is shown here before he decided on his costume.

Chevy Chase: This just in: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. More on that story later.

Still to come: Gerald Ford buys an alarm clock, after this message.

[ dissolve to Vibramatic ad ] [ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: United Nation Secretary Kurt Waldheim said today that Syria, Lebanon, Greece, India and Lithuania.

Heavyweight champ Mohammed Ali knocked out a six-year-old First Grade girl in Ohio today. It only took him one left jab. The girl is reported in serious condition in a nearby hospital.

While the city of Montreal, Canada, readies itself for the upcoming Summer Olympics, teams over much of the world are practicing day and night for the games. Reporting on one such team is correspondent Jacqueline Carlin in Latvia.

[ dissolve to black-and-white footage ]

V/O: The Latvians have yet to win a gold medal in the Olympic competition. Critics say this may be a result of shoddy training, lack of equipment, and little knowledge of what may be required of them at the games. Here, the co-ed teammates are shown passing balls over their heads to each other and between their legs. Perhaps the most interesting contest for this spirited team is the dance around the duckpins ritual, during which members of the same group actually dance around duckpins, trying to force the teammates closest to them to kick the duckpins over.

[ dissolve back to Chevy reporting at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: This Jacqueline… [ in his normal voice ] Carlin reporting.

Last week, “Weekend Update” presented an editorial by Gordon Flowers, objecting to the overcommercialism of America’s Bicentennial. Here, with an editorial reply, is junior chairperson of the Bicentennial Business Affairs Committee, Ms. Audrey Peart Dickman.

Audrey Peart Dickman: What’s wrong with being patriotic? In this, our Bicentennial year, too many so-called concerned citizena have been criticizing the use of the good old Red, White and Blue and other American symbols, in connection with commercial products, advertising, merchandising, and general acitivities surrounding the celebration of the birth of this great country. [ Chevy beginsto make mimicking facial gestures next to Audrey ] I say what’s wrong with expressing our patriotism? I’m PROUD to diaper my baby in the Stars and Stripes! [ Chevy leans over behind Audrey and sticks his tongue out in a grotesque manner ] Or to stroll on the boardwalk wearing an Old Glory leisure suit! [ Chevy makes more mimicking facial gestures, stopping just before Audrey turns to look ] Call me sentimental and old-fashioned, but it’s a thrilling rminder of our heritage to have the American Eagle stamped on my toilet tissue, so I can be reminded again and again and again… [ Chevy uses his fingers to stretch his cheeks apart and flick his tonuge at Audrey, pretending to pick his teeth when Audrey turns to look ] Have our ancestors fought that gallant battle for independence, cleansing the nation of oppressive forces: “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” become more than mere words when they appear embossed on a pizza slice into thirteen sections, as a reminder of the valiant original colonies, who stood together against oppression! [ Chevy makes more rude gestures behind Audrey, including sticking his finger in his nose and stretching his mouth apart, only to pretend to be rubbing his cheeks when she glances over ] Yes, I’ll brush my teeth with bicentennial toothpaste and gargle with “Give me liberty, or give me death” mouthwash, and I’ll feel better for it because I know I’ll TASTE like an American!

[ the audience applauds ]

Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” recognizes its responsibility to present opposing viewpoints, whenever we’re in the mood.

[ Audrey gives Chevy a dirty look ]

Chevy Chase: And now, for those of our viewers who may be Emily Litella fans, I will repeat the top story of the day aided by — who else? — Miss Emily Litella.

[ Emily Litela appears in an oval over Chevy’s shoulder ]

“Our top story tonight!”

Emily Litella: “Our flop story tonight!”

Chevy Chase: Uh, Emily? I said our “top” story.

Emily Litella: What, Cheddar?

Chevy Chase: Our “TOP” story! Not our “flop” story. Our “flop” story would be our worst story! Our “top” story would be our BEST story!

Emily Litella: Ohh. [ she smiles ] Never mind!

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a plesant tomorrow.

Emily Litella: Good morning, and how are you today? [ she smiles ] [ Chevy smiles with her ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: Babs’ Uvula

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

Babs’ Uvula

Sister…..Laraine Newman
Babs…..Gilda Radner
Doctor…..Chvy Chase

[ open on National Uvula association flash card ]

Announcer: And now, a public service dramatization from the National Uvula Association.

[ dissolve to Babs and her sister sitting in their living room ]

Sister: Gee, Babs, you look like something the cat just dragged in.

Babs: I know. I feel crummy. But I just can’t seem to put my finger on what’s wrong.

Sister: That’s too bad, Babs. Has it ever dawned on you that it just may be your uvula?

Babs: Gee, no, Sis.. I must have stupidly glossed right over my uvula.

Sister: I had a hunch you might’ve. That’s why I made an appointment for you with a top uvula specialist. [ doorbell rings ] Who makes house calls! Right now!

[ Doctor enters the living room ]

Doctor: Hello, I’m the doctor.

Sister: Hi.

Babs: That must be him! [ coughs ] [ Doctor sits next to Babs on the couch ]

Doctor: I won’t beat around the bush, Babs.

Babs: Is it bad?

Doctor: In a nutshell, your uvula is on the fritz. Which reminds me of a little joke. Knock knock!

Babs: Who’s there?

Doctor: Babs’ uvula.

Babs: Babs’ uvula who?

Doctor: I don’t know, Babs. But I do know this – you’ve really let your uvula go to the dogs.

Babs: Yes.. I have..

Sister: I’d like to share this with you, Sis. [ opens a greeting card ] “To Babs: It’ll behoove ya’, to care for your uvula! Love, Sis.”

Babs: Boy, do I hear ya’, Sis! From now on, it’s strictly good, clean fun. For me and my uvula!

Doctor: That reminds me of a little joke. Knock knock!

Announcer: Who’s there?

[ Doctor, Babs and her sister laugh at the surprise interruption ]

Announcer: The preceding dramatization was brought to you by the National Uvula Association.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Louise Lasser: 07/24/76

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 23

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

July 24th, 1976

Louise Lasser

Preservation Hall Jazz Band


Joe Dicso

Michael Sarrazin

Lorne Michaels

Tom Schiller

Alan Zweibel

Season 1: Order Now!free website hit counter Back From VacationSummary: Back from summer vacation, John Belushi and Chevy Chase attempt to patch their differences with a friendly handshake.



Louise Lasser’s MonologueSummary: Louise Lasser falls apart after the cue card with her personal story is switched, and sulks to her dressing room. Members of the cast try to coax her out, including the Land Shark (Chevy Chase), who is able to fool her into doing so.

Recurring Characters: Land Shark.


General Idi “V.D.” AminSummary: General Idi Amin (Garrett Morris) comments on his bout with syphilis.

Recurring Characters: Idi Amin.


Fooling DeathSummary: Lovers Sven (Chevy Chase) and Inger (Louise Lasser) send Death (Tom Schiller) out for pizza.


Human Hair PotholdersSummary: Sandra Goode (Jane Curtin) and Squeaky Fromme (Laraine Newman) advertise their product from the tranquility of their prison cell.

Recurring Characters: Squeaky Fromme.

Woman & DogSummary: Louise Lasser performs a scene with her dog.

Cathode Ray TubeSummary: Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, and Jane Curtin sing their ode to the cathode ray tube.

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: John Belushi interviews Olga Korbut (Gilda Radner) following her defeat by newcomer Nadia Comanici. Fake footage uses toys to recreate the Viking I spacecraft landing on top of its Mars welcome committee.

Teen TalkSummary: Teenagers Jane (Jane Curtin) and Gilda (Gilda Radner) talk about boys.


The DinerSummary: In a film of her own design, Louise Lasser rambles incoherently in a diner.

John Belushi’s WardrobeSummary: To make ends meet, John Belushi offers wardrobe he’s worn on “Saturday Night Live” for sale.


Carter’s CampaignSummary: From his basement, Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) tells viewers about his campaign for the presidency.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.

Preservation Hall Jazz Band performs “Panama”

Mary, MarySummary: Louise Lasser rambles on about the past year of her life.



SNL Transcripts

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