Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 24
Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Aramis McCord…..Chevy Chase
Kevin Brut…..Dan Aykroyd
Cooperative Man…..John Belushi
Black Man…..Garrett Morris
[Two uniformed officers in a police station lockerroom. One shuts his locker and turns to his partnerwho sits nearby, tying his shoes:]
Aramis McCord: Hey, Ace, what say we eat Chinesetonight?
Kevin Brut: I don’t know, partner. Seems to me, uh, weate Chinese a couple o’ nights ago.
Aramis McCord: That wasn’t Chinese. That wasPolynesian.
Kevin Brut: [rises] Same difference, pal, samedifference.
[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers tense up and lookoff-camera.]
Aramis McCord: It’s a code five. Let’s roll!
[With a weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve to afilmed insert of a city street using a rapidly panningcamera that blurs the image. Funky 1970s-style copshow music plays. A police siren wails.]
Narrator: Los Angeles, California, 1976 — a prettytough town. Remember all those people you saw lockedup on “Dragnet”? Well, they’re out now — every one ofthem. They’re out and it takes a new breed of cop tohandle them.
[Dissolve to an aerial view of L.A. — it’s atoy-sized model.]
Narrator: This is the story of that new breed: “PoliceState”!
[Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching,horns honking and general mayhem. A superimpositionreads: POLICE STATE as Matchbox cars and other tinyvehicles are occasionally thrown into the model set.The two police officers seen earlier are shown insetover the model city. They style their hair and try tolook super-cool. The narrator’s words are superimposedas he speaks them:]
Narrator: Starring Kevin Brut … and Aramis McCord.With Jeremy Musk as Captain Dan Hatchback. This week’sepisode: “If He Hollers” …
[Dissolve to the two cops standing outside a closedapartment door. Kevin Brut knocks. The door opens, thecops reach for their guns. A cooperative man appearsin the doorway.]
Cooperative Man: Yes?
Aramis McCord: Like a word with you, sir.
Cooperative Man: Sure thing.
[The cops immediately fire four noisy shots at thesuspect, killing him instantly. They make sure he’sdead, then holster their weapons and confer. McCordputs a hand on Brut’s shoulder.]
Aramis McCord: Hey, babe, how ’bout Italian? Nah, how’bout Indian? You wanna eat Indian? Have a littlechicken curry, what do ya say?
Kevin Brut: I don’t know, bro’. That stuff alwaysupsets my stomach. You know.
Aramis McCord: How ’bout Greek? We could eat Greek. Wecould have some lamb shish-ka-bob. Now, that won’tupset your stomach.
Kevin Brut: Well …
[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers look off camera.]
Aramis McCord: It’s a code eleven-fourteen. Let’s …roll!
[With their weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve tothe filmed insert of a city street using the rapidlypanning camera that blurs the image. Funky thememusic. Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city.Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching,horns honking and general mayhem. More Matchboxvehicles are hurled into the model set cluttering itwith a huge pile-up. Dissolve briefly to the blurredcity streets and then to a small room in which abearded man stands quietly with his arms raised,apparently having just hung a painting on the wall.The two cops burst in, guns drawn.]
Kevin Brut: Okay! Hold it right there!
[The cops immediately fire two shots and kill the maninstantly. The cops stand over the dead body, keepingtheir guns pointed at it.]
Kevin Brut: Okay! Freeze! [to the corpse] You have theright to remain silent. You have the right to anattorney and to have that attorney present duringquestioning. [The cops holster their guns andimmediately confer.]
Aramis McCord: How ’bout Italian? You always likeItalian.
Kevin Brut: Give me a break. Yeah, I’m tryin’ to losea few pounds, you know. [to the corpse] Anything yousay can and will be used against you in evidence.
Aramis McCord: Hey, how ’bout French?
Kevin Brut: You mean that little place over onAlameida with the colored umbrellas?
Aramis McCord: Hey, listen, old buddy, you can get anice brook trout, a carafe of white wine, a smallendive salad — what do you say?
[A loud BEEPING noise. The cops don’t even bother tolook.]
Aramis McCord: It’s a code six-oh-nine. Let’s roll!
[They exit the room in an unnecessarily roundaboutfashion by running along one wall, then to the door.Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred citystreet. Funky theme music and noisy sound effects.Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city. A gianthand pours lighter fluid on a now massive pile ofcrashed vehicles. Another hand sets the pile on fire.It burns nicely. The hands throw more vehicles intothe inferno. Dissolve to an apartment house staircasewhere a black man runs down, gunshots ringing out. Thetwo cops are right behind him, firing away. He fallsdown dead at the bottom of the stairs.]
Kevin Brut: Stop or I’ll shoot!
[McCord fires an extra shot into the dead man just tomake sure. The cops relax and holster their guns.]
Aramis McCord: Hey, champ. How would you feel aboutMexican? You’d like to, uh, kill Mexican tonight?
Kevin Brut: Didn’t we, uh, kill Mexican last night?
Aramis McCord: That wasn’t Mexican. That was Filipino.
Kevin Brut: Six o’ one, amigo, six o’ one. [They bothlaugh.] Come on, let’s go get a bite to eat.
Aramis McCord: Okay.
[Brut puts an arm around McCord and, smiling, theywalk to the camera and freeze as the music increasesin volume and the show’s credits rapidly roll by:
LUKE FURY III
[Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred citystreet. Noisy sound effects.]
Jeremy Musk: [voice over] This is Jeremy Musk. Hereare a few scenes from the next episode of “PoliceState” …
[Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city wherethe massive pile of crashed, burning vehicles hasgotten even larger. Dissolve back to McCord and Brut,still frozen, smiling into the camera as more creditsroll by and announcer Don Pardo puts in a final word:]
Assistant to the Producer
YVES LE BARON
Associate Scenic Designer
Don Pardo: Stay tuned for “SWAT, Police Tailor” — anofficer’s first duty is to his uniform.
[A final burst of 1970s cop show music and it’sfinally all over.]
[dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on a woman at the end of the row ]
[SUPER: “Coming up Next… Leprosy – The Ultimate Weight Loss Program?”]
[the woman smiles, despite her confusion over the cryptic message]
[whoops – an error in the control room! The correct slide appears:]
[SUPER: “Will Remain A Virgin for One More Hour”]
[she laughs, as we fade completely]