SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge


…..Kris Kristofferson

Kris Kristofferson: Hi! I just want to thank all the people who let us be on this show, with all the crazy people that work on it. They got one of the greatest studio bands there probably is anywhere — and I got one of the best bands, too! [ the audience cheers and applauds ] Hey! It’s such a DAMN pleasure to work any place where you got any real imagination working, and I got a great band and some great girls back there working with me, too. God bless, y’all! Thank you very much!

[ as the credits begin to roll, the cast climbs up to join Kristogfferson on Home Base ]

Announcer: Hi, this is Dan Aykroyd, one of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, inviting you to watch the Beach Boys Special on NBC on Thursday, August 5th. Some of us from “Saturday Night” were involved in the production, and you’ll be neatly surprised. “Sam-son, Sam-son, Sam-son…” and more! Watch The Beach Boys — Thursday, August 5th on NBC. Thanks a lot. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: The Last Voyage of the Starship Enterprise

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

The Last Voyage of the Starship Enterprise

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Mr. Spock…..Chevy Chase
Captain Kirk…..John Belushi
Mr. Sulu…..Akira Yoshimura
Lt. Uhura…..Doris Powell
Voice of Mr. Scott…..Dan Aykroyd
Dr. McCoy…..Dan Aykroyd
Herb Goodman…..Elliot Gould
Curtis…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: The following program is brought to you in livingcolor by NBC.

Mr. Spock: Captain Kirk to the bridge! Captain Kirk to the bridge!

Captain Kirk: Yes, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: Sensors are picking up an unidentified vessel, Captain, headed straight for us.

Captain Kirk: Range, Mr. Sulu?

Mr. Sulu: .43 light years, sir, and closing fast.

Captain Kirk: Lt. Uhura, open a hailing frequency.

Lt. Uhura: I’ve been trying to reach them, but there’s been noresponse, sir.

Captain Kirk: [ into microphone ] This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Identify yourself. [ to Uhura ] Put them on the viewscreen, full magnification.

Lt. Uhura: Aye aye, sir.

Captain Kirk: [ into microphone ] Repeat. Identify yourself.[ viewscreen shows a maroon 1968 Chrysler limo flying behind them ] What kind of ship is that, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: Fascinating, Captain. It would appear to be an earlygas combustion vehicle, at least two or three hundred years old.

Captain Kirk: Run it through the computer. Find out what thoselittle numbers mean. I want answers.

Mr. Spock: Process visual feed. Analyze and reply.

Captain Kirk: I have a hunch, Mr. Spock, that we are about to face a menace more terrifying than the flying parasites of Ingraham B; more insidious than the sand-bats of Manark 4; more bloodthirsty than the vampire clouds of Argus 10. I have a hunch that “thing” out there is deadlier than the Romulans, the Klingons, and the Gorns all rolled into one.

Mr. Spock: Here is the readout, Captain. The computer has identified the alien vessel as a 1968 Chrysler Imperial with a tinted windshield and retractable headlights.

Captain Kirk: And the little blue and orange numbers?

Mr. Spock: That’s called a “California license plate”, and it’sregistered, or was in 1968, to a corporation known as “NBC”. Wait.. there’s something more.. The computer isn’t sure, but it thinks this NBC used to manufacture cookies.

Captain Kirk: Could that be some sort of illusion, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: It’s no illusion, Captain. Scanner readings indicate two life forms inside that craft.

Captain Kirk: Mr. Sulu, increase speed to Warp Factor Eight.

Mr. Sulu: But, sir, that’s only for the most extreme emergencies. The ship can’t take it.

Captain Kirk: You heard my order, Mr. Sulu.

Mr. Sulu: Aye aye, sir.

Captain Kirk: [ recording Log ] Captain’s Log, Stardate 3615.6. On a routine delivery of medical supplies to Earth Colony 9, we are being chased through space by an automobile three centuries old, owned by a company that manufactured cookies. It would all seem silly if it weren’t for this feeling of dread that haunts me, a sense of impending doom.

Mr. Sulu: They’re right behind us, Captain.

Captain Kirk: Let’s lose them, Mr. Sulu. Prepare for evasive action. Helm hard to port! ..Hard to starboard! ..Hard to port!

Mr. Spock: Frankly, Captain, I’m exhausted.

Captain Kirk: Me, too. Stabilize, Mr. Sulu.

Mr. Sulu: Look, Captain, it’s no use. We can’t shake them.

Captain Kirk: Then we’ll give them a fight they won’t forget. [ into intercom ] All hands! Man your battle stations! This is not a drill! Red alert! Man your battle stations! Red alert!

Mr. Spock: But, Captain..

Captain Kirk: Lock phasers on target, Mr. Sulu.

Mr. Sulu: Phasers locked on target, sir.

Mr. Spock: But, Captain, you can’t..

Captain Kirk: Stand by to fire.

Mr. Sulu: Phasers standing by, sir.

Mr. Spock: But, Captain, we don’t know who the aliens are, or what they want. To kill them without warning would be highly illogical.

Captain Kirk: Fact: their intentions are unknown. Fact: I amresponsible for the lives of 430 crewmen. And, fact: I can’t afford totake any chances. Fire main phasers! [ nothing happens ] I said, “Fire main phasers!”

Mr. Sulu: I’m trying, sir. Nothing is happening.

Captain Kirk: Arm and lock photon torpedoes, Mr. Sulu.

Mr. Sulu: They’re not working either, Captain.

Captain Kirk: Deflectors up.

Mr. Sulu: Captain, the helm does not respond. The controlsare dead.

Mr. Spock: We’re slowing down, Captain. We’re stopping.

Captain Kirk: Bridge to engine room, acknowledge.

Voice of Mr. Scott: [ through control panel ] Scotty here, Captain.

Captain Kirk: What in blazes is going on, Scotty?

Voice of Mr. Scott: I dinna know, Captain. We’re losing power, and I don’t know why!

Captain Kirk: Well, do something, man! Go to manual override. Cut in auxilery systems.

Voice of Mr. Scott: Saints preserve us, Captain, but even theemergency systems are out.

Captain Kirk: Well, fix it, Scotty. I don’t care how, but fix it! The lives of 430 crewmen hang in the balance.

Mr. Spock: Life support system are still operative, Captain.

Captain Kirk: But for how long, Mr.Spock? For how long?Lieutenant Uhura, inform Starfleet Command of our situation.

Lt. Uhura: All communications are dead, Captain.

Dr. McCoy: Jim, Jim.. I.. I.. Jim..

Captain Kirk: Great God, man, spit it out!

Dr. McCoy: The aliens have boarded us, Jim, and they’re headed this way!

Captain Kirk: But how, Bones? How did they get on board? Did they beam on? Did they suddenly materialize?

Dr. McCoy: No, they just sort of stepped out from behind thecurtains.

Mr. Spock: Describe them, Doctor.

Dr. McCoy: There’s two of them. Bipeds, humanoid in appearance.Their clothing is drab except for a bright piece of cloth worn around the neck of the leader.

Mr. Spock: Was their anything else odd about their clothing?

Dr. McCoy: I’m a doctor, not a tailor, dammit! Wait, there was one other thing about them that seemed a bit strange. They spoke English! Quick, Jim, I hear them coming up the Turbo-lift! They’ll be here in seconds!

Captain Kirk: We’ll be ready for them, Doctor. [ they all pointtheir phasers at the entranceway as two executives enter ] Welcome aboard the Starship Enterprise. I’m Captain James T. Kirk, representing the United Federation of Planets.

Herb Goodman: Hi, I’m Herb Goodman, head of programming for thenetwork.

Captain Kirk: Stand back, I won’t hesitate to shoot!

Herb Goodman: Can I have your attention. Curtis, you want to turn off those sound effects?

Curtis: Sure thing. [ turns sound effects off ]

Herb Goodman: Everyone, please, can I have your attention? I have an announcement to make. Due to low Nielsen ratings, we at NBC have decided to cancel “Star Trek”.

Captain Kirk: Fire at my command!

Herb Goodman: On your way out, stop by the cashier’s office andpick up your checks.

Captain Kirk: Set phasers on “stun.” Fire!

Dr. McCoy: They’re not firing, Jim!

Captain Kirk: Try “kill!”

Dr. McCoy: Nope, still nothing.
Herb Goodman: You’ll make sure the property department gets those things back ,won’t you, fellas?

Mr. Spock: Most peculiar, Captain.. I can only conclude that they possess some sort of weapons deactivator, in which case I shall merely render him unconcious with my famous Vulcan nerve pinch.

Herb Goodman: Of course, if it was up to me, you could keep them – as souvenirs, give them to your kids, whatever.. But you see, they’re planning to market a complete line of Trekkie merchandise, and I have to send these to Taiwan to be copied.. [ Mr. Spock applies the Vulcan nerve pinch, but Goodman misinterprets his action ] ..Isn’t that fabric something? You just can’t buy material like this in the States. No way! But I was lucky enough to find this great little tailor who flies in from London four times a year.. oh, Nimoy, we’ll need those ears back, too, I’m afraid. [ pulls Spock’s rubber ears off ]

Dr. McCoy: For God’s sake, man, we’re on a five-year mission toexplore space, the final frontier, and dammit, we’ve only been out three years!

Herb Goodman: Sorry, but it’s those Nielsens. If it was up tome, of course..

Captain Kirk: What are these “Nielsens” that the alienkeeps mentioning, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: If I remember my history correctly, Captain, Nielsenswere a primitive system of estimating television viewers once used in the mid-twentienth century.

Dr. McCoy: If Man were meant to fly, he’d have better ratings, is that what you’re saying, Mr. Goodbody, whatever your name is? Come on, George, Nichelle.. let’s go tie one on.

Lt. Uhura: I’m with you, Kelley.

Mr. Sulu: Maybe I’ll just go home..

Captain Kirk: Belay that kind of talk, Dr. McCoy.

Dr. McCoy: Forget it, Bill. We lost. It’s over. Are you coming, Leonard? [ Spock attempts nerve pinch on Dr. McCoy ] Knock it off, you joker!

Captain Kirk: Wait, Mr. Spock! We have yet to try Vulcan mind meld, where you actually enter the alien’s brain, merge with his intelligence and read his thoughts.

Mr. Spock: I entered Mr. Goodman’s mind while you were talking to Dr. McCoy, Captain. [ Curtis enters and pries the set apart with a crowbar ] It was all.. all dark and empty in there. And.. and there were little mice in the corners and spiders had spun this web..

Captain Kirk: Spock!

Mr. Spock: I kept bumping my head on the ceiling, and once..

Captain Kirk: Snap out of it, Spock!

Mr. Spock: [ with a shudder ] It’s okay, Captain.. I’m alright now.

Herb Goodman: What do you think, Curtis? Any chance we can sell this junk to “Lost in Space”?

Curtis: Well, it all comes apart..

Captain Kirk: Hey, get away from there!

Curtis: Right on, Buck Rogers! Is that an order?

Captain Kirk: No, it can’t end like this! I won’t let it! This is my ship! I give the orders here! I give the commands! I am responsible for the lives of 430 crewmen, and I’m not going to let them down! There’s got to be a way out!

Curtis: Let’s go, boys.

[ a group of NBC stagehands enter and begin to dismantle the set ]

Mr. Spock: You are becoming quite emotional, Captain. Needless to say, my trained Vulcan mind finds such open displays of emotion distasteful. Emotion, you see, intereferes with logic, and it is only by dealing with problems in a logical, scientific fashion that we can arrive at valid solutions. Now, with regard to the alien takeover of the Enterprise, I would suggest that we seek some new alternative, based upon exact computer analysis, of course, and taking into consideration elements of.. [ suddenly breaks into a weeping lunatic ] ..Oh, God! I don’t believe it! We’re cancelled! How could they do this? Everyone I know loves the show! I have a contract! What about my contract! I want my ears back!

Herb Goodman: Curtis, can you give me a hand here?

Curtis: I have a couple Valium in my tool box, maybe that’ll help.

[ Spock exits the set ]

Captain Kirk: So, it’s just me, is it? Well, I’ve been in tougher spots. Surrender? No way. I’d rather go down with the ship!

Herb Goodman: Oh, Shatner, your agent called you. Something about a margarine commercial. He said he’d call back.

Captain Kirk: Captain’s Log, final entry. We have tried to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. And except for one television network, we have found intelligent life everywhere in the galaxy. Live long and prosper. Captain James T. Kirk, SC 937-0176 CEC.

[ camera zooms out to show Captain Kirk/William Shatner sitting alone in what is revealed to be an empty TV studio. Further zoom out reveals studio cameras, boom mikes and technicians. Fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: Gynecologist Blind Date

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Gynecologist Blind Date

Judy…..Jane Curtin
Gynecologist…..Kris Kristofferson

[In her apartment, Judy sits on the sofa and talks onthe phone.]

Judy: Margie, listen, he’s in the bathroom so I’ve gotto talk fast. Okay, remember how Eileen said that thiswould be the greatest blind date of my life — he’scute, he’s fun, he’s a doctor? He’s my gynecologist…. Because she never told me his last name, that’swhy! … Well, nothing’s happened so far except hesaid my pap test came out okay. … Well, I don’tknow, it’s just so awkward. I mean, the last time Isaw his face, it was coming up between my knees. …It’s embarrassing. I just don’t know if I can gothrough– [a door opens] I gotta get off — he’scoming. [quickly hangs up, pretends to read amagazine]

Gynecologist: [enters] Well, “Silent Movie” comes onat eight o’clock and, uh, “The Omen” — it might bea–

Judy: I-I-I-I, um, I don’t think I can go through withthis.

Gynecologist: What?

Judy: Going out with you. Going out with mygynecologist.

Gynecologist: Why? [joins Judy on sofa]

Judy: Well … because … I don’t even know whatmovie we’re seeing yet and you’ve already gotten tothird base.

Gynecologist: Hey, uh, Judy, all I did was perform aprofessional service for ya, just like an accountant.It’s like, it’s like if you were datin’ youraccountant.

Judy: Hey, I wouldn’t mind if you’d seen the inside ofmy checkbook.

Gynecologist: Look, let’s talk about somethin’ else,change the subject. That’s a great lookin’ shirt yagot on.

Judy: Well, are you sure? You’ve never seen me inanything but white paper. Hey, doesn’t it ever get toyou? I mean, knowing that you’ve seen the inside of my…

Gynecologist: Judy, I see these things all the time.

Judy: Well, that’s the difference. To you, they’re”these things.” To me, they’re MY things.

Gynecologist: Now, I didn’t mean it that way. It’sjust like if– I mean, imagine lookin’ at thirty orforty “things” a day, you know? Uh, if you can’t– Ifyou’re worryin’ about what I remember about yours, youknow, I can’t even remember which one it was.

Judy: You can’t?

Gynecologist: Promise.

Judy: That is a relief.

Gynecologist: Whew. [Judy sighs] Well, if you want tosee “Silent Movie,” we ought to go right now.

Judy: You really can’t remember … one thing?

Gynecologist: Uh uh. Uh uh.

Judy: Not even about the, uh, other half?

Gynecologist: Well, who could forget those, darlin’?Ha ha! Jokin’, of course, I’m only kidding, you see.

Judy: Oh.

Gynecologist: Hey, wait a minute. Are you mad becauseI DON’T remember, now?

Judy: Oh! No-ho-ho-ho! It’s wonderful to know that theman who probably has the most intimate contact withyour body can’t remember one thing.

Gynecologist: Good God, Judy, I’m a doctor. I can’tthink of my patients sexually. I have to think of ’emobjectively.

Judy: Sure.

Gynecologist: Well, you know what? You know what youare? You’re thinkin’ like everybody else thinks. Youthink it was a choice for me of either bein’ agynecologist or some dirty old man in an all-nightmovie with a newspaper on my lap. It was not thatchoice. Do you know what it was like for me in school?All my friends made me write down everything I saw sothey could read it in the bathroom later. And theother residents, man, they thought THEY were workin’but I was gettin’ a little.

Judy: Well?

Gynecologist: Well, every time I went out on a date,any woman that I was ever out with eventually gotaround to asking why I was ever interested in bein’ agynecologist and, uh, did I think about it a lot whenI was a little boy? Did I want to be one then? Did Ihave bad thoughts? You know, DO I have bad thoughts,you know?

Judy: [perhaps a little hopeful] Do ya?

Gynecologist: Doesn’t everybody? You do, admit it.

Judy: Well, I don’t think that I necessarily–

Gynecologist: All the time you have bad thoughts! Comeon, you could be havin’ ’em right now. Look at the wayyou cross your legs.

Judy: Well, no, I–

Gynecologist: In fact, that’s probably why you startedthis whole damn thing — you’re tryin’ to get in myknickers. I’m teasin’.

Judy: It’s not that I haven’t noticed you. I – I haveoccasionally peeked over the sheet — once.

Gynecologist: [laughs] Aha! You see, we’re gettin’down to the nitty gritty. [decides to confess] Hey,you wanna– If it’ll make you feel better, you know–Nobody ever got fixed up with their gynecologist byaccident. I felt funny about this thing and somebodyfixed us up — for me. That’s all.

Judy: Do you mean that?

Gynecologist: Yeah. When you was peekin’ over thesheet, I was peekin’ under it. [takes her hand] Hey,can we be friends about it?

Judy: Yeah.

Gynecologist: Can we go to the movies?

Judy: Yeah.

Gynecologist: Let’s get out.

[Holding hands, they rise and go to the door. He opensit for her. Halfway out the door, Judy stops and turnsto him, very pleased.]

Judy: You DID notice.

[She turns, head held high, and exits. He follows herout, shutting the door behind him. We pan across theempty room and off the set to the applauding audience.A superimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT… PIGGY BANKSFOR SWINE FLU VACCINE.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
Audrey Peart Dickman…..Jane Curtin
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update with Chevy Chase”.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] That’s silly — everybody makes noise. Everybody reacts differently. So what if you happen to laugh? That’s not a — [ he looks up to see the camera ] I gotta go! [ he hangs up ]

Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and so are you!

Our top story tonight: Cuban premier Fidel Castro announced that he is pulling out of Angola. A frustrated Angola could not be reached for comment.

Jimmy Carter and his wife Rosalynn, in an effort to dramatize the solidarity of their marriage, had themselves epoxied together at the cheeks.

Also on the campaign trail: Trailing in the primaries, Morris Udall made a last-ditch effort at vote-getting by showing the crowd that he can lift a chair.

Well, Ohio representative Wayne Hayes, shown here holding up nothing, submitted his relationship with a $14,000 a year secretary. Sources report that Hayes, after doing soem quick arithmatic, commented, “$14,000 a year? I thought it was $38 a night.”

[ as the Chromakey slide changes, revealing a naked woman with exposed nipple, Chevy quickly jumps up to cover the nipple with his hand ]Sorry about this here…

The woman in question, Elizabeth Ray, posing here for a Girls of Washington layout in Playboy Magazine, September, reportedly told the press: “I can’t use a typewriter. I don’t know an “L” from an “R”, and, after all, this is an election season.”

[ Chevy sits, as the slide changes a photo of a couple ]

Well… nobody really cares any more!

The West Point Cheating Scandal has reached such large proportions, that the academy is considering changing its honor code rather than expelling hundreds of West Point cadets. The honor code now states that a cadet will not lie, steal or cheat. The new code being proposed states that a cadet will not lie or steal.

Well, Air Bulgaria, today, proudly unveiled its new supersonic transport plane, designed to compete with the Concorde now in service. The craft will fly at twice the speed of sound — if they can get it inside a Concorde.

At the University of Nevada, Frank Sinatra received a double honor this week: He was named Doctor of Humane Letters, and also the winner of this year’s Mickey rooney Look-alike Contest.

Boston Bruin Bobby Orr, the superstar defenseman, announced that he will give up hockey to enter in the freestyle diving event in the ’76 Olypmics. He is shown here executing a perfect swan dive into solid ice.

Former Vice-President Spiro Agnew took time out from his new promotional tour this week to attend a masquerade party given in his honor. Agnew is shown here before he decided on his costume.

Chevy Chase: This just in: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. More on that story later.

Still to come: Gerald Ford buys an alarm clock, after this message.

[ dissolve to Vibramatic ad ] [ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: United Nation Secretary Kurt Waldheim said today that Syria, Lebanon, Greece, India and Lithuania.

Heavyweight champ Mohammed Ali knocked out a six-year-old First Grade girl in Ohio today. It only took him one left jab. The girl is reported in serious condition in a nearby hospital.

While the city of Montreal, Canada, readies itself for the upcoming Summer Olympics, teams over much of the world are practicing day and night for the games. Reporting on one such team is correspondent Jacqueline Carlin in Latvia.

[ dissolve to black-and-white footage ]

V/O: The Latvians have yet to win a gold medal in the Olympic competition. Critics say this may be a result of shoddy training, lack of equipment, and little knowledge of what may be required of them at the games. Here, the co-ed teammates are shown passing balls over their heads to each other and between their legs. Perhaps the most interesting contest for this spirited team is the dance around the duckpins ritual, during which members of the same group actually dance around duckpins, trying to force the teammates closest to them to kick the duckpins over.

[ dissolve back to Chevy reporting at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: This Jacqueline… [ in his normal voice ] Carlin reporting.

Last week, “Weekend Update” presented an editorial by Gordon Flowers, objecting to the overcommercialism of America’s Bicentennial. Here, with an editorial reply, is junior chairperson of the Bicentennial Business Affairs Committee, Ms. Audrey Peart Dickman.

Audrey Peart Dickman: What’s wrong with being patriotic? In this, our Bicentennial year, too many so-called concerned citizena have been criticizing the use of the good old Red, White and Blue and other American symbols, in connection with commercial products, advertising, merchandising, and general acitivities surrounding the celebration of the birth of this great country. [ Chevy beginsto make mimicking facial gestures next to Audrey ] I say what’s wrong with expressing our patriotism? I’m PROUD to diaper my baby in the Stars and Stripes! [ Chevy leans over behind Audrey and sticks his tongue out in a grotesque manner ] Or to stroll on the boardwalk wearing an Old Glory leisure suit! [ Chevy makes more mimicking facial gestures, stopping just before Audrey turns to look ] Call me sentimental and old-fashioned, but it’s a thrilling rminder of our heritage to have the American Eagle stamped on my toilet tissue, so I can be reminded again and again and again… [ Chevy uses his fingers to stretch his cheeks apart and flick his tonuge at Audrey, pretending to pick his teeth when Audrey turns to look ] Have our ancestors fought that gallant battle for independence, cleansing the nation of oppressive forces: “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” become more than mere words when they appear embossed on a pizza slice into thirteen sections, as a reminder of the valiant original colonies, who stood together against oppression! [ Chevy makes more rude gestures behind Audrey, including sticking his finger in his nose and stretching his mouth apart, only to pretend to be rubbing his cheeks when she glances over ] Yes, I’ll brush my teeth with bicentennial toothpaste and gargle with “Give me liberty, or give me death” mouthwash, and I’ll feel better for it because I know I’ll TASTE like an American!

[ the audience applauds ]

Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” recognizes its responsibility to present opposing viewpoints, whenever we’re in the mood.

[ Audrey gives Chevy a dirty look ]

Chevy Chase: And now, for those of our viewers who may be Emily Litella fans, I will repeat the top story of the day aided by — who else? — Miss Emily Litella.

[ Emily Litela appears in an oval over Chevy’s shoulder ]

“Our top story tonight!”

Emily Litella: “Our flop story tonight!”

Chevy Chase: Uh, Emily? I said our “top” story.

Emily Litella: What, Cheddar?

Chevy Chase: Our “TOP” story! Not our “flop” story. Our “flop” story would be our worst story! Our “top” story would be our BEST story!

Emily Litella: Ohh. [ she smiles ] Never mind!

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a plesant tomorrow.

Emily Litella: Good morning, and how are you today? [ she smiles ] [ Chevy smiles with her ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 05/29/76: Babs’ Uvula

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 22

75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

Babs’ Uvula

Sister…..Laraine Newman
Babs…..Gilda Radner
Doctor…..Chvy Chase

[ open on National Uvula association flash card ]

Announcer: And now, a public service dramatization from the National Uvula Association.

[ dissolve to Babs and her sister sitting in their living room ]

Sister: Gee, Babs, you look like something the cat just dragged in.

Babs: I know. I feel crummy. But I just can’t seem to put my finger on what’s wrong.

Sister: That’s too bad, Babs. Has it ever dawned on you that it just may be your uvula?

Babs: Gee, no, Sis.. I must have stupidly glossed right over my uvula.

Sister: I had a hunch you might’ve. That’s why I made an appointment for you with a top uvula specialist. [ doorbell rings ] Who makes house calls! Right now!

[ Doctor enters the living room ]

Doctor: Hello, I’m the doctor.

Sister: Hi.

Babs: That must be him! [ coughs ] [ Doctor sits next to Babs on the couch ]

Doctor: I won’t beat around the bush, Babs.

Babs: Is it bad?

Doctor: In a nutshell, your uvula is on the fritz. Which reminds me of a little joke. Knock knock!

Babs: Who’s there?

Doctor: Babs’ uvula.

Babs: Babs’ uvula who?

Doctor: I don’t know, Babs. But I do know this – you’ve really let your uvula go to the dogs.

Babs: Yes.. I have..

Sister: I’d like to share this with you, Sis. [ opens a greeting card ] “To Babs: It’ll behoove ya’, to care for your uvula! Love, Sis.”

Babs: Boy, do I hear ya’, Sis! From now on, it’s strictly good, clean fun. For me and my uvula!

Doctor: That reminds me of a little joke. Knock knock!

Announcer: Who’s there?

[ Doctor, Babs and her sister laugh at the surprise interruption ]

Announcer: The preceding dramatization was brought to you by the National Uvula Association.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Louise Lasser: 07/24/76

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 23

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

July 24th, 1976

Louise Lasser

Preservation Hall Jazz Band


Joe Dicso

Michael Sarrazin

Lorne Michaels

Tom Schiller

Alan Zweibel

Season 1: Order Now!free website hit counter Back From VacationSummary: Back from summer vacation, John Belushi and Chevy Chase attempt to patch their differences with a friendly handshake.



Louise Lasser’s MonologueSummary: Louise Lasser falls apart after the cue card with her personal story is switched, and sulks to her dressing room. Members of the cast try to coax her out, including the Land Shark (Chevy Chase), who is able to fool her into doing so.

Recurring Characters: Land Shark.


General Idi “V.D.” AminSummary: General Idi Amin (Garrett Morris) comments on his bout with syphilis.

Recurring Characters: Idi Amin.


Fooling DeathSummary: Lovers Sven (Chevy Chase) and Inger (Louise Lasser) send Death (Tom Schiller) out for pizza.


Human Hair PotholdersSummary: Sandra Goode (Jane Curtin) and Squeaky Fromme (Laraine Newman) advertise their product from the tranquility of their prison cell.

Recurring Characters: Squeaky Fromme.

Woman & DogSummary: Louise Lasser performs a scene with her dog.

Cathode Ray TubeSummary: Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, and Jane Curtin sing their ode to the cathode ray tube.

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: John Belushi interviews Olga Korbut (Gilda Radner) following her defeat by newcomer Nadia Comanici. Fake footage uses toys to recreate the Viking I spacecraft landing on top of its Mars welcome committee.

Teen TalkSummary: Teenagers Jane (Jane Curtin) and Gilda (Gilda Radner) talk about boys.


The DinerSummary: In a film of her own design, Louise Lasser rambles incoherently in a diner.

John Belushi’s WardrobeSummary: To make ends meet, John Belushi offers wardrobe he’s worn on “Saturday Night Live” for sale.


Carter’s CampaignSummary: From his basement, Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) tells viewers about his campaign for the presidency.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.

Preservation Hall Jazz Band performs “Panama”

Mary, MarySummary: Louise Lasser rambles on about the past year of her life.



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SNL Transcripts: Louise Lasser: 07/24/76: Back From Vacation

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 23

75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Back From Vacation

…..Gilda Radner
…..Chevy Chase
…..John Belushi
…..Garrett Morris
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman

[ open on the cast standing around on Home Base ]

Gilda Radner: Uh, Chevy, uh – I don’t think it’s that John was hurt, it’s just that he thinks you’re getting more attention than he is. You know what I mean?

Chevy Chase: [ he shrugs ] That’s not a good excuse.

Gilda Radner: Well, I know. But I don’t think he was that hurt…

Chevy Chase: [ pointing at the camera ] We’re on! we’re on the air.

[ they all look at the camera and smile ]

Chevy Chase: Well, here we are!

Gilda Radner: Back from vacation!

Chevy Chase: And we want money!

[ John Belushi enters ]

Gilda Radner: Hi, John!

John Belushi: What’s going on?

[ Belushi shakes hands with everybody, as the audience applauds enthusiastically ]

John Belushi: How’s everybody doing?

Garrett Morris: Great!

John Belushi: Yeah, yeah. I just got in from L.A. Anyhow, it’s nice to see you. Gilda, you’re so sweet. Jane! How’s Patrick doing?

Jane Curtin: [ smiling ] Just fine, just fine!

John Belushi: Danny!

Dan Aykroyd: Hi, John!

[ Belushi looks up at Chevy ]

John Belushi: Ohhh, Mr. Chase.

[ the cast looks on uncomfortably ]

Dan Aykroyd: I’ll give you a drive home, John.

John Belushi: Yeah.

Chevy Chase: How you doing? Nice suit.

John Belushi: Thanks. Listen, Chevy, uhh — I’ve been thinking about, uh, what I said and stuff, and, uh… we’ve been together a long time, we’ve been friends a long time, and I don’t think that should, you know, stop us from being friends. You know, we gotta work together, so what do you say? Huh? Let bygones be bygones?

Chevy Chase: Are you serious?

John Belushi: Yeah.

[ Chevy looks to the other cast members ]

Jane Curtin: Go on! Go on!

[ Chevy hugs Belushi ]

John Belushi: Heyyy!

[ the rest of the cast cheer them on ]

John Belushi: Hey, man, yeah!

Chevy Chase: [ holding out his hands for low-fives ] Let’s do the show, huh! [ John slaps him ten ] Alright! Now we’re talking! Alright, you’re serious about it, now, right?

[ they begin to do an elaborate seriers of high-fives — forward, backwards, kneeling, across their shoes, etc. ]

[ finally, they take it too far and begin to knock fists and punch one another playfully ]

[ Belushi punches Chevt one hard, sending him flying over a folding chair and flat onto the floor by the audience’s feet ]

Chevy Chase: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/22/76: Peter Lemon Moodring

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Peter Lemon Moodring
..written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Announcer…..Michael O’Donoghue
Peter Lemon Moodring…..Chevy Chase

[ open on cocktail lounge singer Peter Lemon Moodring sitting on a stool, drinking a Scotch out of the same hand that holds a lit cigarette ] [ SUPER: “Peter Lemon Moodring” ]

Announcer: Peter Lemon Moodring. The ultimate love-rock experience.

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “When Sunny gets blue-ue-ue..”

[ Peter’s face and hands turn a dark shade of blue as he sings ]

Announcer: Yes, when “Sunny Gets Blue”, Peter gets blue, too. A haunting, ultra-marine blue that reflects Peter’s intense inner thoughts on life. A life that is gay, exciting, and yet, sometimes, a little lonely.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to a shade of yellow as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]“Tie a yellow ribbon ’round that ole oak tree-ee-ee
It’s the same oak tree-ee-ee –“

Announcer: But the mood brightens, and Peter turns a rich canary-yellow. He’s just happy to be working, and you’ll be happy watching him work.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to a shade of tangerine as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “Tang-er-iiiiiiine!”

Announcer: Turning the color of his favorite leisure suit, Peter imagines himself out on the town, a Broadway show, an intimate dinner for two, and all the sangria he can drink. Here’s looking at you, Peter.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to a shade of ruby as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]“Rubyyyyyyy
Ruby, you’re such a dreeeeeeeam –“

Announcer: Curl up, get cozy as the mood mellows, and Peter glows like the embers of a dying fire. Warm, relaxed, sensual – he’s in touch with his emotions, and his emotions are sure to touch you.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to black as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]“Black is black!
I want my baby back.
Black! Black!”

Announcer: It’s no use trying to hide your real feelings – not when you’re Peter Lemon Moodring, and you’ve lsot your baby. He’s one man who you can judge by the color of his skin.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to the full colors of the rainbow as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]“Some-wherrrrrre, over the rainboooooow
Way up hiiiiiigh –“

Announcer: But the storm passes, as storms always do, and Peter bursts into a kaleidoscope of color, spanning the full spectrum of human emotions. Don’t leave yourcamera home, because he’s a sight you’ll want to share with your granchildren.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to lines of red, white and blue as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “Three cheers for the red, white and blue –“

Announcer: And three cheers for Peter Lemon Moodring, for a bicentennial salute that puts Old Glory herself to shame.

[ Peter’s face and hands turn to combined shades of red and gold as he sings ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ]“The falling leeeeeaves
Drift past my window –“

Announcer: Peter Lemon Moodring. Coming soon to a cocktail lounge near you.

[ SUPER: “Peter Lemon Moodring” ]

Peter Lemon Moodring: [ singing ] “– leeeeeaves.. of red.. and gooooooooold.”

Announcer: Color him.. unforgettable.

[ Peter’s face and hands return to normal, as he places his cigarette in his mouth and smiles smugly at the camera ] [ dissolve to an audience member clapping. The camera zooms down, as the joke card appears late on the screen. ] [ SUPER: “Beautiful When Angry” ] [ too late – the camera is already halfway down to the Samurai Tailor sketch ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Louise Lasser: 07/24/76: John Belushi’s Wardrobe

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 23

75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

John Belushi’s Wardrobe

…..John Belushi

[ open on John Belushi stepping in front of green-screen projection of the “Samurai Deli” sketch ]

John Belushi: Hi! I’m John Belushi. That’s me doing the “Samurai Deli” scene. It’s a classic piece of comedy I made famous last year on “NBC’s Saturday Night”.

You know, a lot of people come up to me and say, “You have a distinctive look. How can I capture that look for myself?” Well, I’m very proud to announce, after months of work, to unveil my very personal project. I’m finally able to offer you my exclusive line of men’s clothing. I have personally selected, out of hundreds of styles and fabrics, clothes with that distinctive John Belushi style. Clothes that I made famous on “NBC’s Saturday Night”. Clothes like I’m wearing right now.

Uh, for instance — this reversible vest. [ he removes it ] You can wear it, uh, this way… or the other way. It’s got buttons on both sides, you see. Uh — this shirt. It’s a very personal shirt, it can be worn any way you like. [ he yndoes the buttons on the cuffs ] Uh, the sleeves roll down, you can roll the sleeves up like this… you see? It’s a very nice, very nice shirt. [ he loosens his collar ] You can open up the collar like this, kind of cool and breezy. I personally selected this shirt out of HUNDREDS, and I paid $12 for it. You can have it for $3. Or you can make me an offer. Right now. This shirt. Three dollars. The vest — again, uniquely Belushi. I paid $17 retail… eight bucks! Huh? Please.

The hat — [ he places a cap on his head with sunglasses ] The shades. Living trademarks of an unerpaid TV actor. Waht do you say? Five bucks! Huh? Come on! Please! I’m serious. Buy my clothes. These clothes — now! Really. I need the cash. I do. Please. Look at this shirt! This shirt’s in great condition!

Listen — if you send it soon, you can buy my albums. Really! [ he holds up rock albums ] I’ve got Cream here — Wheels of Fire, it’s a great album. I’ve got some Stones. The Doors were really something… before Jim died. I’ve got some Grand Funk — I only listened to it once. Okay. Uh — I got a lot of good ones. Moby Grape, some of The Beach Boys’ early stuff. Uh… anything you want. A lot of albums. A buck a piece. What do you say? It’s a good deal! A dollar. Huh?

I got, uh… [ he holds up a radio ] A radio! It doesn’t work… but if you’re good with your hands and you like working with electricity, uh, you could fix it! Really! Make me an offer! What do you say? Good shirt, huh? Nice shirt? You wanna buy it? Really! Listen — if you care about my career… if you care about my work… you’ll buy my shirt.

[ dissolve to address card:

Rock Center
New York, New York” ]

Announcer: The John Belushi Wardrobe. Clothes of distinction. Only worn once.

[ fade ]

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SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/22/76: Michael O’Donoghue’s Tony Orlando Impression

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Michael O’Donoghue’s Tony Orlando Impression

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

…..Buck Henry
…..Michael O’Donoghue

Buck Henry: [stands before a red curtain] A couple ofmonths ago when I was on the show, it was my pleasureto introduce to America one of the most remarkablytalented performers it’s been my pleasure to see insome time. I discovered him in a little club downtownin New York and, you know, impressionists come and go.We – we all know who they are, and we know thecharacters that they portray and – and – But – butthis guy, this fella does impressions that are unlikeany other. They’re imaginative, they’re original, uh,and I think you are going to enjoy, as much as I’vealways enjoyed, the immense, fascinating talents ofMr. Michael O’Donoghue!

[Applause. Music. Buck Henry applauds and exits to theleft as Michael O’Donoghue, perhaps better known as”Mr. Mike,” enters from the right in a garish paisleytuxedo with a large bow-tie. He is a thin,bespectacled, bearded gentleman in his mid-thirtiesaccompanied by two attractive young African-Americanwomen.]

Michael O’Donoghue: Thank you, thank you. And thankyou, Buck. I’m gonna just name a few groups or teamsof people: Burns and Allen, Ginger Rogers and FredAstaire, the Andrews Sisters, the Marx Brothers,Ferrante and Teicher, Alfred Lunt and Lynne Fontanne.Now, what do all these people have in common? I mean,of course, they’re all exciting entertainers, I know,but – but something deeper than that. Each of them hasa special magic power, a power to reach out and touchnot just the minds of the people for whom they’reperforming … but their hearts as well. Today, in1976, nobody fits that description better than Mr.Tony Orlando and Dawn. [Applause.] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah![O’Donoghue applauds. Applause ends.] I happen tocatch their show last week and a funny thoughtoccurred to me. I thought, what if someone took steelneedles, say, um, fifteen, eighteen inches long –with real sharp points — and plunged them into TonyOrlando — and Dawn’s — eyes. What would theirreaction be? I think it might go something like this …

[O’Donoghue and the two women turn their backs tothe camera and, after a pause, they clutch their eyes,screaming, shrieking at the top of their lungs,staggering, collapsing to the floor, writhing aroundon the stage in front of the red curtain, kicking,trying to get up and then falling, dropping to theirknees in agony, etc.] [Applause. Fade to black. The band plays some relatively sedate music over a photo of Jane Curtin and Buck Henry reviewing a script. After holding on this for a while, we dissolve back toO’Donoghue and friends writhing around on the stage athome base, hollering, hands clutched to their eyes.The red curtain is gone. Buck Henry jumps over one ofthe prostrate women and approaches the camera:]

Buck Henry: Thank you all very much. Remember, nextweek, Elliott Gould — watch him breeze right throughthe security guard. Thank you, Gordon Lightfoot. He’dplay another song but he only owns one guitar. Thankall of you for coming. And we’ll see you sometime whenthis mess gets cleared up. [gestures to the threepeople on the floor behind him; the band plays theclosing theme as members of the cast join Henry onstage; the credits roll; Gilda Radner hugs and kissesHenry; Chevy Chase and Garrett Morris rush to help theimpressionists to their feet; Henry kisses Jane Curtinand gets a pat on the back from John Belushi; the castlifts Henry up onto Belushi’s shoulders; cast andaudience wave good night as Don Pardo earns hispaycheck:]

Don Pardo: Our host next Saturday night will beElliott Gould. This is the voice of Don Pardo comingfrom the mouth of Don Pardo, triggered by the brain ofDon Pardo, adapted from a short story by Don Pardo,and stolen from an idea by Johnny Olsen. Stay tuned asPaul Anka plays host to “Superstars” premieringtonight. Good night!

Submitted Anonymously

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