Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 21
75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot
Talk Back
Frank Noland…..Buck Henry
Announcer…..Dan Aykroyd
Mrs. Noland…..Gilda Radner
[Frank Noland, loud, hard-hitting host of TV call-intalk show, sits in front of a white brick wall andaddresses the camera.]
Frank Noland: Good evening. I’m Frank Noland. And thisis “Talk Back”!
[Cut to the “Talk Back” logo, then pull back to revealFrank Noland sitting beneath it at a table lined withten black telephones. He smokes a cigarette as funky1970s-era theme music and a tough-talking announcerset the scene.]
Announcer: Talk Back! Frank Noland talks to you, thepublic! You, the public, talk to Frank Noland! Helistens! Talk back to Frank Noland and he’ll talk backto you!
Frank Noland: Tonight’s topic is “Federally SupportedMunicipal Bonds — Yes or No?” I’m Frank Noland and Iwant you to talk to me about federally supportedmunicipal bonds. Call me now at one of these toll-freenumbers: Eight zero-zero, five-five-five,three-three-one-zero — one-one, one-two, one-three,one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight andone-nine! [pause] That topic, once again: “FederallySupported Municipal Bonds — Yes or No?” Call me nowand let me know how you feel. Those numbers, onceagain, are: eight zero-zero, five-five-five,three-three-one-zero — one-one, one-two, one-three,one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight andone-nine!
[a long pause, Frank takes a deep drag onhis cigarette, the phones do not ring]
Yes, we’re talking about federally supported municipal bonds!Say, is it a federal problem? Is it a state problem?Is it – is it a combination of federal and stateproblems? Is it YOUR problem? Is it OUR problem? Whydon’t you give me a ring and talk back to me, FrankNoland? The operators ARE standing by! [another longpause, Frank grabs a glass of water and takes a sip,he looks at the silent row of phones, looksuncomfortable] This … is Frank Noland. And our firsttopic tonight is, and has been “Federally SupportedMunicipal Bonds — Yes or No?” Hey! But that’s not theonly issue I’m prepared to talk about tonight. How’bout this one? “Forced Busing — Yes or No?” Huh? I’msure you have as many things to say about forcedbusing as I do. I’m Frank Noland and I’m prepared totalk back to you! And those numbers, once again, areeight zero-zero, five-five-five, three-three-one-zero– one-one, one-two, one-three, one-four, one-five,one-six, one-seven, one-eight and one-nine! Andthey’re TOLL-FREE! Totally toll-free!
[another long pause, Frank takes another drag and impatiently taps his pack of cigarettes on the table]
Let’s run over those burning issues once again, shall we? They are, one, “Federally Supported Municipal Bonds” and, two,”Forced Busing”! Remember, toll-free! Totally free!You pay nothing here. We pay for the entire call.[phone rings once, Frank reaches for phone] And here’sour first on “Talk Back” right now!
[Frank puts his hand on the phone and freezes as he realizes that it has stopped ringing — another pause, Frank lets go ofthe phone and puts his hand to his head – he’s gettingdesperate]
Here’s another issue that may interest you: “Soviet Communism — Let’s Give It a Chance”! I’ll bet there are some of you who have opinions on this one. That’s Soviet Communism here — here and now! Here, in this country, in your own community. I guess there areplenty of good, red-blooded Americans out there who’ll have a little something to say about that. And, if there are, and you want to talk back to me, Frank Noland, I’m prepared to talk back to you! Maybe you forgot to make a note of those numbers. The numbersagain are eight zero-zero, five-five-five,three-three-one-zero — one-one, one-two, one-three,one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight andone-nine. And I’m ready to talk back on these sametopics: Federally Supported Municipal Bonds, ForcedBusing, and “Soviet Communism Here and Now”! I, FrankNoland, am ready to talk back to you in support ofspending federal funds to bus known Soviet Communistsinto your community now — to teach your children andto live in your house, whether you like it or not!Now, if anyone has another position, and it’s yourright as an American to disagree, give me a call onone of these toll-free lines. Call me collect! I’llanswer and I’ll talk back to– I’ll talk. I–
[pause, Frank puts an unlit cigarette in his mouth, thinks fora moment, then leans forward intently]
How ’bout this? “Killing Puppies — It Doesn’t Bother Me” … That’s me, Frank Noland, and I LIKE dead puppies! Frankly,I’m totally in favor of using federally supportedmunicipal bonds to pay for forced busing of SovietCommunists to come into your homes to kill yourpuppies! Give me a call, won’t you? The lines areopen. Tell ME what you think about it. [lights hiscigarette, mumbles to himself] Dead, mangled puppies… I like ’em …
[starting to lose it]
Okay. While you’re thinking about THOSE topics, here are a half a dozen others which I, Frank Noland, am personally infavor of. “Adolf Hitler — Boy, Do We Need Him Now”!Huh? What about that? Hey, “Incest — I Practice It,Why Don’t You?” Give me a call. Talk to me about it.[A sympathetic woman enters and joins Frank] “NoToilets for the Blind”? Call me! Call me, if you’rewatching! And, and–
Mrs. Noland: Frank? Frank, honey?
Frank Noland: “The Ozone Layer — Let’s Get Rid ofIt”!
Mrs. Noland: Frank, honey. Honey, let’s go home.
Frank Noland: How ’bout “Suicide — Fun for theElderly”? [The sympathetic woman gently guides Frankout of his chair and offscreen] I– I– What happened?Nobody called. I don’t understand it. What about nuns?We could do something about nuns… [As they exit,funky theme music begins and we zoom in on the “TalkBack” logo.]
Announcer: Join us again tomorrow on “Talk Back”!Frank Noland talks to the public! You, the public,talk to Frank Noland! He listens on “Talk Back”!
[Dissolve to the applauding audience. Asuperimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT: NEW HOPE FORTHE TERMINALLY CURIOUS]
Submitted Anonymously
Air Date:
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Summary: To set the mood for tonight’s show, Elliott Gould sings the old standard “Anything Goes”.
Summary: Now you can be a stand-by operator, too.
Summary: Because of his extreme southern hospitality and gullible graciousness, Mr. Russo (Dan Aykroyd) is honored to be taken advantage of by Mr. Diarga (Chevy Chase) and his interpretor (Elliott Gould) during a friendly high-stakes poker game.
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Summary: Chevy makes faces during Audrey Peart-Dickman’s (Jane Curtin) patriotic Bicentennial commentary. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) helps Chevy Chase repeat the evening’s “flop” news story.
Summary: The personal massager that slices and dices vegetables for a husband’s (Elliott Gould) midnight salad, while working as a comforting sleep aid and relaxer for his wife (Laraine Newman).
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Summary: In a film by Gary Weis, Elliott Gould sits in as kids learn old vaudeville acts at “Uncle Charlie’s School.”
Summary: The Bees portray “The Honeymooners”, with Ralph (John Belushi) and Alice (Gilda Radner) getting into a fight before she reveals her pregnancy.
Summary: In a parody of the Lark cigarette commercials, SNL’s film truck passes through the city streets asking to see citizens’ firearms.
Summary: Back from summer vacation, John Belushi and Chevy Chase attempt to patch their differences with a friendly handshake.
Summary: Louise Lasser falls apart after the cue card with her personal story is switched, and sulks to her dressing room. Members of the cast try to coax her out, including the Land Shark (Chevy Chase), who is able to fool her into doing so.
Summary: General Idi Amin (Garrett Morris) comments on his bout with syphilis.
Summary: Lovers Sven (Chevy Chase) and Inger (Louise Lasser) send Death (Tom Schiller) out for pizza.
Summary: Sandra Goode (Jane Curtin) and Squeaky Fromme (Laraine Newman) advertise their product from the tranquility of their prison cell.
Summary: Louise Lasser performs a scene with her dog.
Summary: Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, and Jane Curtin sing their ode to the cathode ray tube.
Summary: John Belushi interviews Olga Korbut (Gilda Radner) following her defeat by newcomer Nadia Comanici. Fake footage uses toys to recreate the Viking I spacecraft landing on top of its Mars welcome committee.
Summary: Teenagers Jane (Jane Curtin) and Gilda (Gilda Radner) talk about boys.
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Summary: To make ends meet, John Belushi offers wardrobe he’s worn on “Saturday Night Live” for sale.
Summary: From his basement, Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) tells viewers about his campaign for the presidency.
Summary: Louise Lasser rambles on about the past year of her life.