SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: Police State



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24






75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Police State

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Narrator…..Michael O’Donoghue
Aramis McCord…..Chevy Chase
Kevin Brut…..Dan Aykroyd
Cooperative Man…..John Belushi
Black Man…..Garrett Morris

[Two uniformed officers in a police station lockerroom. One shuts his locker and turns to his partnerwho sits nearby, tying his shoes:]

Aramis McCord: Hey, Ace, what say we eat Chinesetonight?

Kevin Brut: I don’t know, partner. Seems to me, uh, weate Chinese a couple o’ nights ago.

Aramis McCord: That wasn’t Chinese. That wasPolynesian.

Kevin Brut: [rises] Same difference, pal, samedifference.

[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers tense up and lookoff-camera.]

Aramis McCord: It’s a code five. Let’s roll!

[With a weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve to afilmed insert of a city street using a rapidly panningcamera that blurs the image. Funky 1970s-style copshow music plays. A police siren wails.]

Narrator: Los Angeles, California, 1976 — a prettytough town. Remember all those people you saw lockedup on “Dragnet”? Well, they’re out now — every one ofthem. They’re out and it takes a new breed of cop tohandle them.

[Dissolve to an aerial view of L.A. — it’s atoy-sized model.]

Narrator: This is the story of that new breed: “PoliceState”!

[Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching,horns honking and general mayhem. A superimpositionreads: POLICE STATE as Matchbox cars and other tinyvehicles are occasionally thrown into the model set.The two police officers seen earlier are shown insetover the model city. They style their hair and try tolook super-cool. The narrator’s words are superimposedas he speaks them:]

Narrator: Starring Kevin Brut … and Aramis McCord.With Jeremy Musk as Captain Dan Hatchback. This week’sepisode: “If He Hollers” …

[Dissolve to the two cops standing outside a closedapartment door. Kevin Brut knocks. The door opens, thecops reach for their guns. A cooperative man appearsin the doorway.]

Cooperative Man: Yes?

Aramis McCord: Like a word with you, sir.

Cooperative Man: Sure thing.

[The cops immediately fire four noisy shots at thesuspect, killing him instantly. They make sure he’sdead, then holster their weapons and confer. McCordputs a hand on Brut’s shoulder.]

Aramis McCord: Hey, babe, how ’bout Italian? Nah, how’bout Indian? You wanna eat Indian? Have a littlechicken curry, what do ya say?

Kevin Brut: I don’t know, bro’. That stuff alwaysupsets my stomach. You know.

Aramis McCord: How ’bout Greek? We could eat Greek. Wecould have some lamb shish-ka-bob. Now, that won’tupset your stomach.

Kevin Brut: Well …

[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers look off camera.]

Aramis McCord: It’s a code eleven-fourteen. Let’s …roll!

[With their weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve tothe filmed insert of a city street using the rapidlypanning camera that blurs the image. Funky thememusic. Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city.Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching,horns honking and general mayhem. More Matchboxvehicles are hurled into the model set cluttering itwith a huge pile-up. Dissolve briefly to the blurredcity streets and then to a small room in which abearded man stands quietly with his arms raised,apparently having just hung a painting on the wall.The two cops burst in, guns drawn.]

Kevin Brut: Okay! Hold it right there!

[The cops immediately fire two shots and kill the maninstantly. The cops stand over the dead body, keepingtheir guns pointed at it.]

Kevin Brut: Okay! Freeze! [to the corpse] You have theright to remain silent. You have the right to anattorney and to have that attorney present duringquestioning. [The cops holster their guns andimmediately confer.]

Aramis McCord: How ’bout Italian? You always likeItalian.

Kevin Brut: Give me a break. Yeah, I’m tryin’ to losea few pounds, you know. [to the corpse] Anything yousay can and will be used against you in evidence.

Aramis McCord: Hey, how ’bout French?

Kevin Brut: You mean that little place over onAlameida with the colored umbrellas?

Aramis McCord: Hey, listen, old buddy, you can get anice brook trout, a carafe of white wine, a smallendive salad — what do you say?

[A loud BEEPING noise. The cops don’t even bother tolook.]

Aramis McCord: It’s a code six-oh-nine. Let’s roll!

[They exit the room in an unnecessarily roundaboutfashion by running along one wall, then to the door.Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred citystreet. Funky theme music and noisy sound effects.Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city. A gianthand pours lighter fluid on a now massive pile ofcrashed vehicles. Another hand sets the pile on fire.It burns nicely. The hands throw more vehicles intothe inferno. Dissolve to an apartment house staircasewhere a black man runs down, gunshots ringing out. Thetwo cops are right behind him, firing away. He fallsdown dead at the bottom of the stairs.]

Kevin Brut: Stop or I’ll shoot!

[McCord fires an extra shot into the dead man just tomake sure. The cops relax and holster their guns.]

Aramis McCord: Hey, champ. How would you feel aboutMexican? You’d like to, uh, kill Mexican tonight?

Kevin Brut: Didn’t we, uh, kill Mexican last night?

Aramis McCord: That wasn’t Mexican. That was Filipino.

Kevin Brut: Six o’ one, amigo, six o’ one. [They bothlaugh.] Come on, let’s go get a bite to eat.

Aramis McCord: Okay.

[Brut puts an arm around McCord and, smiling, theywalk to the camera and freeze as the music increasesin volume and the show’s credits rapidly roll by:

Also Appearing
CHAD PINTO
SHEP GREMLIN
GRIFF MALIBU
FARL DUSTER
THAD DASHER
GAR CHARGER

Produced by
LUKE FURY III

Directed by
GIL MAVERICK

Written by
LINC POLARA
ROY TORONADO
CLIFF LAGUNA

Script Consultant
TOD CAPRICE

Musical Director
KIT MUSTANG

Talent Coordinators
GUY VOLARE
WALD COUGAR

[Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred citystreet. Noisy sound effects.]

Jeremy Musk: [voice over] This is Jeremy Musk. Hereare a few scenes from the next episode of “PoliceState” …

[Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city wherethe massive pile of crashed, burning vehicles hasgotten even larger. Dissolve back to McCord and Brut,still frozen, smiling into the camera as more creditsroll by and announcer Don Pardo puts in a final word:]

Edited by
SCOTT MARLIN

Associate Producer
DAG TORINO

Assistant to the Producer
KEITH CAMARO

Unit Managers
LANE JAVELIN
BRIAN PACER

Makeup
YVES LE BARON

Technical Director
MERL BOBCAT

Audio
ADAM SPRITE

Video
MATT CIVIC

Lighting
BEN GRANADA

Costume Designer
KENT CORONET

Scenic Designer
WARD CUTLASS

Associate Scenic Designer
RAMSEY COLT

Stage Manager
STACY RABBIT

Graphics
BRAM ELITE

Don Pardo: Stay tuned for “SWAT, Police Tailor” — anofficer’s first duty is to his uniform.

[A final burst of 1970s cop show music and it’sfinally all over.]

[dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on a woman at the end of the row ]

[SUPER: “Coming up Next… Leprosy – The Ultimate Weight Loss Program?”]

[the woman smiles, despite her confusion over the cryptic message]

[whoops – an error in the control room! The correct slide appears:]

[SUPER: “Will Remain A Virgin for One More Hour”]

[she laughs, as we fade completely]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kris Kristofferson: 07/31/76: I Was Not A Sucker For Saturday Night



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24




75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

I Was Not A Sucker For Saturday Night

Sherry Norwalk…..Laraine Newman

[FADE IN on Sherry sitting on the edge of a desk and smiling coyly. She is wearing a black leather gown covered with silver spikes and slit down the middle to reveal her entire cleavage.]

Sherry: [looking off camera] Thank you, Mr. Kristofferson. [to camera] Hellooo. My name is Sherry Norwalk. And I got special permission from the FCC–that’s the Federal Communications Club–to come on television and tell my story. [plays with her hair] Okay, last October I went up to the “Saturday Night” offices ‘cause I think the show is really boss, and I wanted tickets. Well, they were out of tickets, but as I was leaving, Dave Wilson, the director, said I had a bitchin’ bod, and would I like to come and spend the weekend with him up in Parsippany, New Jersey, ‘cause his wife was dead? So I went up, and it was really great and everything, except his wife wasn’t really dead, she’d just gone shopping! God-created people can be SOOOOOO forgetful. Anyways, I got this phone call from the show the next day, and they said that Dave had recommended me for a job as a secretary for fourteen thousand, four hundred dollars a year!

[laughter]

Sherry: And they didn’t even mind that I couldn’t type, or file, or do shorthand. [pauses] So, they told me I was gonna do light secretarial work, and maybe help the writers out, if I could sometimes. And I did that. Like Alan Zweibel, he’s this big Jewish writer? Well, he was really weird, man. He made me feel really guilty about the way his people suffered in Egypt? [laughter] So he’d get undressed, and have me sing “Go Down Moses.”

[riotous laughter]

Sherry: It got stranger, man, I’m not kidding. Like did you know some comedy writers don’t like to work a-a-in the office, they work at home and at night? And they don’t write things DOWN, they act ‘em out first! Like Tom Schiller asked me to act out a scene with him in his apartment. Then he called two other writers, Tom Davis and Al Franken? And–’cause he said he was having trouble with his inspiration. [raises finger in air] Sooo, they came over, and we all acted out this scene, except it wasn’t in the show. [makes a quizzical face] Which I thought was really weird, and after a while, it got even MORE disgusting. Like Michael O’Donoghue? He just COULDN’T finish writing the “Star Trek” skit unless I kept whispering to him the words, “Rocket ships are okay, but your muscle is tremendous.” [laughter] It was really disgusting.

[Sherry holds up a white audio cassette case.]

Sherry: And then there was Herb Sargent. He’s this older writer with white hair, and he was really like a father figure. A really strict father. Like, you know, he used to take his belt and tie me up and spank me! And I didn’t even do anything WRONG!

[She puts down the cassette and picks up a thick hardcover book.]

Sherry: Anyways, that’s why I’ve written this book. It’s called, “I Was Not a Sucker for Saturday Night.”

[Audience laughs as she holds up the book with the title on the front.]

Sherry: ‘Cause a really think the public has a right to know.

[phone rings]

Sherry: Saturday Night? Yes, okay, I’ll be right up.

[hangs up]

Sherry: I have to help Chevy write Update.

[She slides off the desk and walks behind it, revealing her bare back to the camera.]

Sherry: Okay, let’s see, pad, pencil…

[She picks up a pad and pencil from the desk and then steps over toward a large floor-model vacuum cleaner.]

Sherry: [with dismay] And apparatus.

[She picks up the vacuum cleaner and slings the hose over her shoulder. A feather duster is sticking out of it.]

Sherry: It’s really disgusting.

[She exits stage left over applause. FADE to a young blonde woman in the studio audience and SUPERIMPOSE, “SURVIVOR OF OFFICE SNUFF PARTY.” The caption flickers badly, and she peers into the monitor to try and read it. ZOOM OUT as she turns to her companion and covers her face in embarrassment.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts