Category: 1981

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 6

81f: Bernadette Peters / The Go’Go’s, Billy Joel

Hidden Photo

Allen Funt…..Joe Piscopo
Waitress/Woman…..Christine Ebersole

[ open on wide shot of studio audience, as “Hidden Photo” theme song plays ]

[ zoom in on bearded man in the audience ]

Jingle: “Wow! You’re on Hidden Photo”!

Announcer: And now, Mr. Hidden Photo himself!

[ dissolve to close-up of TV screen with title screen, pull back to reveal Allen Funt in his studio ]

Allen Funt: We believe that there is NOTHING more hilarious… than people caught in the act of being themselves! You know, one of the BEST-LOVED gags of all time is the old Hot Foot! Remember that? Right? Well, we went to the Teaneck Diner in New Jersey to try a variation on the old Hot Foot! We call it the Hot Fork!

[ he turns to face the monitor, as the footage appears ]

[ dissolve to full-screen footage ]

Allen Funt V/O: Now, the speciality of the house is the Cheesecake.

Diner: [ to Waitress ] Cheesecake.

Waitress: Cheesecake. [ she exits to the kitchen ]

[ cut to a fork being heated over an open grill ]

Allen Funt V/O: The kitchen has been heating the fork ’til it glows red hot! Watch.

[ the heated fork is pressed down on a steak, which sizzles immediately ]

Allen Funt V/O: Now, that’s HOT! But, just to make sure…

[ the fork is held back over the open grill ]

[ cut to Funt in the kitchen placing the cheesecake on the counter and ringing the bell ]

[ the Waitress brings the cheesecake and the hot fork to the diner ]

Allen Funt V/O: She’s expecting a bite of cool, creamy cheesecake! What she’s gonna get… is a mouthful of seared flesh!

[ the diner cuts a piece of cheesecake with her fork and brings it into her mouth. She screams and hops out of her seat as the Waitress alughs hysterically. ]

[ cut to a Male Diner receiving a slice of cheesecake ]

Allen Funt V/O: Now, watch this big guy here!

[ the Male Diner puts the cheesecake into his mouth, then nearly gags on it as his mouth burns… then he begins to shout obscenities ]

[ cut to the Waitress bringing cheesecake to two Japanese businessmen ]

Waitress: This is called Cheese…cake! It’s an American dessert. You like to try?

[ the Japanese businessmen laugh, then politely unfold their napkins in preparation to eat the cheesecake ]

Allen Funt V/O: Now, these fellas probably can’t speak a word of English! But, as you all know, pain is an international language!

[ the Japanese businessmen put the cheesecake in their mouthes, then jump up and start screaming into their napkins ]

[ suddenly, Funt emerges from the kitchen, laughing, and raps his arm around the two businessmen as the Waitress returns, also laughing ]

Allen Funt: Guys… [ he points ] Look in that camera right there! Look at that camera! Huh? You recognize me, right?

[ the scene freezes, then dissolves back to Funt in his studio ]

Allen Funt: Boy, I bet it’ll be a long tme before any of those fellows order cheesecake again! You know, New York is famous for its street characters, and we want you to meet one of our favorites! Watch!

[ dissolve to footage of a blind man standing on a street corner with his seeing-eye dog ]

Allen Funt V/O: Anybody who hangs around the corner of 6th Avenue and Vinetta is BOUND to see him. His name is Willie. Willie, of course, is blind… but that doesn’t stop him from selling pencils. We’re gonna have some fun with Willie. Watch!

[ crew member places a “Vicious Dog, Stay Away!!!” sign over Willie’s “Help Me, I’m Blind” sign ]

[ reveal camera crew in plain sight, snickering ]

Allen Funt V/O: Now, this is one time we didn’t even have to conceal the camera!

[ reveal woman (the fake waitress from earlier) standing next to Willie ]

Allen Funt V/O: Now, watch — watch! She’s gonna distract him…

[ the woman bumps into Willie ]

Woman: I’m sorry, excuse me. But these are very lovely pencils, can I have one? May I have a red one, please?

[ a crew member enters the scene and removes Willie’s dog, as Willie hands the woman a pencil ]

Woman: No, no… that’s not red! That’s purple!

[ the crew member ties a pig to Willie’s leash, then prompts the pig to run down the street, pulling a hapless Willie with him ]

[ the scene freezes, then dissolves back to Funt in his studio ]

Allen Funt: [ laughing ] Just beautiful! You know, our show has been around for TWENTY YEARS! And the piece of film we’re about to show you TILL makes us laugh! We went to the Salisbury Elementary School in Westbury, New York to see what would happen if we told a group of third-graders that their parents were putting them up for adoption! Watch!

[ dissolve to black-and-footage of a little girl ]

Allen Funt V/O: Meliisa, I called you out of class to tell you your Mommy and Daddy are putting you up for adoption. [ the girl is stunned ] That’s right — they don’t love you any more, and they’re giving you away!

[ she lowers her head, her eyes droop, and she begins to weep pitifully ]

Allen Funt V/O: We told the same thing to every kid in the class, and every one of them reacted the same!

[ cut to a boy scout crying and lowering his head onto the desk ]

[ cut to another boy running across the room, screaming, as he knocks a chair to the floor and throws himself against the wall ]

[ cut to a little girl wearing a crown, as she cries with her face agaisnt the wall ]

Allen Funt V/O: Now, come on, Debby — give me the crown! [ she holds onto her crown ] I’m giving it to another little girl, whose parents love her and want to keep her! Debbie, listen to me! It’s time to go to the orphanage! [ she keeps crying ] Debbie…

[ the scene freezes, then dissolves back to Funt in his studio ]

Allen Funt: [ choking with laughter ] It’s SO easy to fool kids, isn’t it! Debbie learned the HARD way that… sometime, somewhere, someplace when you LEAST expect it, someone might come up to you and say…

[ cut to the audience ]

The Audience: “Smile! You’re on “Hidden Photo”!”

Allen Funt: Goodnight, everybody!

[ the jingle playsw out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 6

81f: Bernadette Peters / The Go’Go’s, Billy Joel

Billy Joel performs “She’s Got A Way”

…..Billy Joel

Announcer: Once again, live from his midtown recording studio — Billy Joel!

Billy Joel: [ singing ]
“She’s got a way about her
I don’t know what it is
But I know that I can’t live without her
She’s got a way of pleasin’
I don’t know what it is
But there doesn’t have to be a reason anyway
She’s got a smile that heals me
I don’t know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She’s got a way of talkin’
I don’t know why it is
But it lifts me up when we are walkin’ anywhere.

She comes to me when I’m feelin’ down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around.

She’s got a way of showin’, mmm-mmm-mmm
How I make her feel
And I find the strength to keep on goin’
She’s got a light around her
And everywhere she goes
A million dreams of love surround her everywhere.

She comes to me when I’m feelin’ down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around.

She’s got a smile that heals me
I don’t know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She’s got a way about her
I don’t know what it is
But I know that I can’t live without her anyway.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 6

81f: Bernadette Peters / The Go’Go’s, Billy Joel

Nick The Knock

Nick The Knock…..Joe Piscopo
Fairy…..Mary Gross

[ open on stage exterior, as the curtains open to reveal hand puppet Nick the Knock jumping around on stage, humming to himself until he spots a record player ]

Nick The Knock: Ooh — music! Oh, boy, here we go!

[ he cranks up the record player, then begins to dance and hum to the music that will later open SNL’s Hans & Franz sketches ]

Nick The Knock: Oh boy, oh boy!

[ he grabs the record and smashes it against the record player ]

[ suddenly, a fairy flies into view ]

Nick The Knock: Ooh! Ooh! Oh, how pretty! Ooh!

Fairy: Hello, Nick! Hello, Nick the Knock!

Nick The Knock: Wow, look at… ooh!

Fairy: Hi, Nick!

Nick The Knock: Wow! Let’s see who that is!

[ Nick leans down until his face is right next to the fairy ]

Fairy: Hello, Nick!

Nick The Knock: Hi! Ooh!

Fairy: I brought you another poem. [ Nick appears confused ] Nick, although you are very strange…

Nick The Knock: Yes?

Fairy: I like to think I see beauty in you that others are too busy to notice. So I have brought you this: The gift of truth.

[ Nick smiles as she begins to recite her poem ]

Fairy:
“Truth never dies. The ages come and go.
The mountains wear away, the stars retire
Destruction lays Earth’s mighty cities low;
And empires, states and dynasties expire.
But caught and handed onwarded by the wise,
Truth never dies.

As rests the Sphinx amid Egyptian sands;
As looms on high the snowy peak and crest
As firm and patient as Gibralter stands,
So Truth, uwearied, waits the era blest,
Men shall turn to it with great surprise.
Truth never dies.”

[ a series of knocks are heard at the door ]

Nick The Knock: Wow, that was beautiful! Beautiful! [ he stands ] What? Someone’s at the door! Ooh! Ooh! Here we go! Let’s see who’s at the door! The door!

[ Nick opens the door and is swatted with a rubber bat ]

Nick The Knock: Oo-oo-ooh, whoa! That was terrific!

[ another series of knocks are heard at the door ]

Nick The Knock: Whoa! There’s ANOTHER knock at the door! Who could that be?

[ Nick opens the door and is again swatted with a rubber bat ]

Nick The Knock: Heyyyy, what’s going on here! Huh? Oh, boy! [ to the Fairy ] Well, hey, you — come here! I know what I’m gonna do to you, you little thing! I’m gonna eat your spine!

[ Nick grabs the Fairy by the throat and proceeds to eat her spine, as green blood splashes all over his face amid her screams ]

Nick The Knock: Oh, boy, that’s good! Boy, that’s good! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!

[ the curtains close, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 6

81f: Bernadette Peters / The Go’Go’s, Billy Joel

Power Failure

Woman…..Christine Ebersole
Man…..Tony Rosato
NBC Censor…..Tim Kazurinsky

Woman: Jerry, could you just put that stuff on the table for me?

Man: Yeah, sure.. no problem. [ puts stuff down ] So, uh.. look, I hope you got a hammer, or something, to put this thing up..

Woman: Oh, yeah.. look, I’ve got a hammer, I’ve got nails, I’ve got everything.. I just can’t put this stuff up myself, I really appreciate all your help.

Man: Oh, hey, no problem, I don’t mind. If you make me dinner,we’ll call it even!

Woman: Okay.

Man: Now, where do you keep the ladder?

Woman: In the closet.

Man: [ pulls ladder out of closet ] That’s a small one, is it going to be tall enough?

[ lights suddenly go out ]

Woman: Tony, what happened?

Man: What’s going on?

Voice of Director Dave Wilson: Uh.. Tony, Chris.. we’re having some lighting problems..

Man: Are we still on?

Voice of Director Dave Wilson: Oh, we’re working on it. Just keep the set going..

Man: We can’t see the cards, though.. [ to the non-visible audience ] Uh.. ladies and gentlemen, we’re having a technical problem.. uh.. the scene is now going to be be about a guy helping a girl put up some curtains.. in the bottom of a coal mine.. Okay.. where were we?

Woman: [ now improvising ] Oh.. I see you have the ladder.

Man: Yes. Here it is.. [ accidentally drops the ladder on Christine ]

Woman: Ow!

Man: I’m sorry.. you got it..? Yeah, I got the ladder! Why don’t I put up the ladder and put the stuff up, and you hand it up to me?

Woman: Alright. Okay, fine.. are you up there yet?

Man: Yeah. Don’t give it to me ’til I get up here..

Woman: Okay..

Man: Grab the rod, will you?

Woman: Okay.. Do you want me to take it out for you?

Man: No, I can manage.. I can manage.. Alright..

Woman: Whoa, look how long this is..

Man: Well, what did you expect?

Woman: I don’t know.. I’ve never done anything like this before..

Man: Oh, really?

Woman: Yeah.. so what do you do, just take it out and then you put that in there, and that’s it, huh?

Man: That’s it. Now, that’s what I call well-hung!

NBC Censor: [ voice heard running in ] Hold it! Hold it right there!

Man: Wha.. what’s wrong? Who are you?

NBC Censor: I’m Al Segal, you know me, the NBC Censor?

Man: We’re in the middle of a sketch..

NBC Censor: You know.. listen, you can’t do this kind of stuff!

Woman: What do you mean? You approved the script..

NBC Censor: I.. yeah, I approved a script, but that was when it was clear, it was obvious that you were putting up a curtain rod and hanging curtains! When you can’t see that stuff, it sounds completely different!

Man: Well, you got a dirty mind, you know? I mean, that’s notmy fault that the lights went out..

Woman: You mean, you thought that.. oh, that’s gross!

Man: Al, you got the wrong idea.

NBC Censor: Look, just skip the curtains, will you? Go on with the rest of the scene, have dinner or something, alright?

Man: Dinner? That’s not even in the script..

Woman: Let’s just play along with him, Tony, alright? Uh.. let’s skip the curtains, and just have dinner!

Man: Nice ad-lib.. nice ad-lib.. Uh.. sure, okay.. what do we have for dinner?

Woman: [ approaches fridge in the dark ] Uh.. how about these melons? [ holds up a pair of melons ]

Man: Oh, wow.. those look really nice! I like these jugs, too.. [ grabs some jugs sitting on the counter in the dark ]

NBC Censor: [ running back in ] Stop that! Stop that! Stop that!

Man: What?! What’s wrong now, for God’s sake!

NBC Censor: You know you can’t do this sort of stuff!

Man: What sort of stuff!

Woman: Yeah, what sort of stuff!

NBC Censor: Hey, don’t play dumb with me, Missy! I’m just trying to do my job!

Man: Look, Al, I think you’ve got the wrong idea. Can I justshow you something here.. shed a little light on the situation? [ opens fridge ] Theses are real melons! Huh? And that’s the jug I was talking about!

NBC Censor: Mr. Rosato, looking at this so-called dinner, I seenothing but melons, and sausages, and buns, and bananas, and donuts – now, don’t tell me you didn’t have this planned!

Woman: Oh, this is asinine! Get the Producer down here!Dick! Dick!

NBC Censor: Hey! What are you doing!

Woman: Dick! Get me Dick!

NBC Censor: You can’t say that on television!

Man: Al, relax, will you? The producer’s name really is Dick. I mean, Dick Ebersol. What’s wrong with you? You’re flipping out, I think you’ve been handling this job just a little too much..

NBC Censor: God.. maybe you’re right.. I’m sorry..

Woman: Good grief, you could take anything the wrong way. I am personally offended that you would think that I would do sleaze like that!

NBC Censor: I-I-I’m sorry. I mean, you do this job long enough, you go nuts!

Man: Well, there. There’s the perfect example. Had we said “nuts”, we’d have been cut off the air!

Woman: Yeah!

NBC Censor: You’re right, I would have killed ya! [ pause ] I’m sorry. Kids, I’m sorry..

Man: No problem.

NBC Censor: Just go on with the rest of the sketch. [ exits scene ]

Woman: Don’t worry about it.

Man: Take it easy. Go home, take a rest.

Woman: Where were we?

Man: Is he gone?

Woman: Yeah, he’s gone.

Man: Alright, let’s keep going. Where were we?

Woman: I was saying, “Jerry, come to me! Give me all your love..”

Man: “Okay.. but let’s take our clothes off first..”

[ sketch remains black and fades to obscurity ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 5th, 1981

Tim Curry

Meat Loaf & The Neverland Express

None

Frank Nelson

Bryant Gumbel
Texxon

Montage

Tim Curry’s Monologue

Mick!Recurring Characters: Mick Jagger, Barbara Mandrell, Frank Sinatra, Buckwheat.

Reagan’s Illegitimate SonSummary: Eddie Murphy makes a plea for his runaway dad, President Ronald Reagan, to return home to him and his mama.

Transcript

The Trouble With Fred

Frank & PapaRecurring Characters: Frank, Papa.

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurrayRecurring Characters: Prince Charles, Princess Di, Raheem Abdul Mohammed.

Meat Loaf & The Neverland Express performs “Promised Land”

Tim & Meat’s One-Stop Rocky Horror Shop

Tim Curry sings “The Zucchini Song”

If Reagan Had Survived The AssassinationRecurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Meat Loaf & The Neverland Express performs “Bat Out Of Hell”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 7

81g: Tim Curry / Meat Loaf

Mick!

Mick Jagger…..Tim Curry
Mandrell Sisters…..Robin Duke, Christine Ebersole, Mary Gross
Clerk…..Frank Nelson
Shari Lewis…..Robin Duke
Buckwheat…..Eddie Murphy
Rip Taylor…..Tony Rosato
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on superimposed Rolling Stones lip logo, as “Sympathy For the DEvil” plays ]

Announcer: From Television City in Hollywood — It’s the Mick Jagger Special! Ladies and gentlemen — MICK!

[ Mick Jagger appears from behind the curtain ]

Mick Jagger: Hello! Hello! [ singing ]
“Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and taste!
I’ve been around for a long, long years
Stolen many a man’s soul and faith!
Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name!”

Mick Jagger: Hello! I’m Mick Jagger! Welcome to our very first television special ever! Thank you! With our very special musical guests — The Mandrell Sisters!

[ pan over to the Mandrell Sisters performing ]

Mandrell Sisters: [ singing ]
“You’ve been singing after dark
We’ve been sleeping all alone
Mick, we miss you!

We’ve been hanging on the phone
We’ve been sleeping all alone
We’re going to kiss you!”

Mick Jagger: Ladies and gentlemen — the Mandrell Sisters! Now, then — You know, some people think that Mick Jagger is a… a little wild! That I’m the kind of bloke who lives on the edge! But that’s not true. [ he contorts his face ] I’m just… an ordinary guy like you! You see… I like PUPPIES! And PLUM PUDDINGS! Cozy evenings by the fire! Or just… walking down the street in ANYTOWN, U.S.A.! [ he struts over to a news stand ] Uh — Excuse me, Sir. [ he taps on the counter ] Uh, Sir? Sir?

[ the clerk finally turns around, revealed to be Frank Nelson ]

Clerk: Uh, yeeeeeeessssss???

Mick Jagger: Um — Do you sell magazines, Sir?

Clerk: Uh, no! No, THIS is a jumbo jet and I’m the stewardess! Would you like a drink?

Mick Jagger: Uhhhh… no, not really. No. Uh, do you have any magazines?

Clerk: Mmmmm, uhhhhh, yeeeeeeesssss!! [ he turns around ]

Mick Jagger: I say — Excuse me?

[ the clerk turns around ]

Clerk: Oh, it’s you again!

Mick Jagger: [ he laughs ] I’m sorry to bother you, but… do you have “Rolling Stone”?

Clerk: Uhhhhhhh, euuuuuggggghhhhhh!! [ he turns around ]

Mick Jagger: [ to the audience ] I didn’t have the heart to tell him… that this face… [ he contorts his face ] is on the cover of MOST of the rags he’s SELLING! Now… most of you know me as a singer-songwriter-performer. A guy who lives on the edge. But there’s a person out there… who knows me… as “Daddy.” My biggest fan — my daughter Jade. The other day, she said to me: “Hey, Daddy! If you ever have a network special of your very own, you’ve got to put this act!” I’m talking, of course, about the beautifully preserved Shari Lewis and her loveable friend Lamb Chop! [ he sits next to Lewis ] Hello, Lamb Chop!

Lamb Chop: Hello!

Mick Jagger: Lucky day!

Lamb Chop: [ swooning ] Mick…! [ she faints and pants ]

Mick Jagger: Did I say something wrong?

Shari Lewis: No, it’s just that Lamb Chop is shy! Lamb Chop, speak to him.

Lamb Chop: Oh, Mick… I’m your biggest fan! And I’ve always wanted to meet you… And… And… [ she whispers into Lewis’ ear ]

Shari Lewis: Well, go on and ask him, Lamb Chop! Go on.

Lamb Chop: Mr. Jagger? Mick? Could I have a… itsy… bitsy…… kiss?

Mick Jagger: It would be my pleasure!

[ Mick proceeds to French kiss Lamb Chop ]

Mick Jagger: I haven’t forgotten you either!

[ Mick proceeds to French kiss Shari Lewis ]

Lamb Chop: Mick…? [ panting ] Would you… sing a song for… us?

Mick Jagger: Only if you introduce me!

Lamb Chop: Ohh… My pleasure! [ clears her throat ] Ladies and gentlemen — the god of rock and roll, and… the best tongue-kisser in the business! MICK JAGGER!!

[ Mick runs on stage and sings “Brown Sugar”, until Buckwheat joins him on stage ]

Mick Jagger: I can’t believe it! Buckwheat! What are you doing on my first network special?

Buckwheat: Hi, Bick Dagger! I was dust atoss da hall taping a bew special, based on my album Buh-weet Sings! [ he holds up the album ] It’s Number 18 on the charts with a bullet, and we hoping dat it’s gonna doe dold!

Mick Jagger: Doe dold?

Buckwheat: Doe dold!

Mick Jagger: Well, I just want to remind everyone that Buckwheat’s next special airs this Thursday night on NBC at nine o-clock!

Buckwheat: Eight o’cock pentral!

Mick Jagger: Buckwheat, I wish you the very best with your special. You KNOW I’ll be watching!

Buckwheat: O-tay!

Mick Jagger: You know, Buckwheat, when I think about the people who have influenced me, I think of, uh… Muddy Waters… [ he contorts his face ] Big Bill Brunsy… and this man. He’s taught me what performing is all about. Ladies and gentlemen — the comic genius of Mr. RIP TAYLOR!

[ Rip Taylor appears tossing feathers into the audience ]

Rip Taylor: Hellooooo!! Hellooooo!! Hellooooo!! [ he runs up on stage ] How is everybody? Okay? [ the audience screams back ] I can’t hear you! Is everybody okay?! [ the audience screams louder ] Joy! [ he laughs, then picks up a broken Barbie doll ] Well, take a look at this, what’s this? Barbie’s half-sister! Well, laugh it up, kids, it doesn’t get any better! How about this? [ he holds up a bullet-ridden fish ] Holy mackeral! [ he laughs ] Uh, hellooooo! Hellooooo! [ he tosses the fish over his shoulder ] I just had it for the halibut, anyway! [ he laughs, then picks up a fake hand attached to a spring ] How about this? Palm Springs? [ he laughs ] Hellooooo! Hey, kids, what about this? [ he picks up chattering teeth ] Nine teeth nervous breakdown? [ he laughs ] Hellooooo! Nine teeth nervous… Oh, my God, they’re blind, too! [ he holds up a pickle ] Mother’s Little Helper? [ he laughs, then points into the audience ] Oh, he got it. You got it, didn’t you? He’s got one in his hands! Okay! [ he taps a paintbrush against the pickle ] Paint It Black? [ he laughs ] Paint It Black, kids. Come on, get with it. [ he laughs, then sprays the audience with seltzer ] You people aren’t laughing! Laugh it up! [ he rubs a six-pack across his head ] As Beers Go By! [ he laughs ] Oh, you’re gonna get these at home and laaaaaauuuuuuggggghhhh!! That’s it, kids! That’s it!

[ Taylor runs off stage ]

Mick Jagger: You know — I’ve been called a Living Legend. [ he contorts his mouth ] A man who lives on the edge. But this man has been called… a puppet… a poet… a pirate… a pauper, a pawn, and the Chairman of the Board! Ladies and gentlemen — Mr. Francis Albert SINATRA!

[ Sinatra appears on stage ]

Frank Sinatra: [ singing ]
“Theeeeeeeeese little town blues!
They are MELTING awayyyyyy!
I’m gonna make a brand new start of it
in old New York!
Annnnnnndddd! If I can make it there
I could make it almost anywhere!
It’s up to you! New! York! New Yorrrrrrrrrrkkkkk!!
New Yorrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkk!!!”

[ Jagger joins Sinatra on stage ]

Mick Jagger: Oh! Ring-a-ding-ding, Frank!

Frank Sinatra: [ he wraps his arm around Jagger’s shoulder ] Let me embarrass this man for a moment. I have had the honor to work with great arrangers and conductors — like Don Costa, Gordon Jenkins, Vinnie Balcone, and others just too numerous to mention. And I’ve always had this theory: Rock singers make me PUKE! Except for this man. Mick, you are hip!

Mick Jagger: Oh, thanks, Frank! I’ve always admired your style.

Frank Sinatra: Well, likewise. You and your partner, uh… what’s his name? The guy that looks like Walking Death?

Mick Jagger: Keith Richards.

Frank Sinatra: Keith Richards. Right. That cat. You guys have had some bouncy tunes that I’ve always wanted to sing.

Mick Jagger: Well, no one’s stopping you, Francis Albert!

Frank Sinatra: [ singing ]
“Under my thumb!
That gal! She shot me down!
My thumb!
That chick! She pushed me around!

It’s down on meeeeeeeee, JACK!
No difference in the treads she wear
It’s down to me!
Change has come!
THUMB!”

Mick Jagger: Remember this one, friend?
[ singing ]
“Strangers in the night, exchanging glances
Wondering in the night, what were the chances?
We’d be sharing love, before the night is throooooough?”

Frank Sinatra: [ singing ]
“Hey! You! Get off my cloud!
Hey, you! Off my cloud!
You! Take a hike!
Do not hang around, buster!
Two is a crowd!”

[ Sinatra exits the stage, as Jagger drops to his knees ]

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]
“Myyyyyyyy kind of town!
Chicago is… myyyyy kind of town!
Chicago is…”

Hey, this has been MY kind of television special!

[ singing ]
“We’ve had some fun, together. [ he contorts his mouth ]
On my first big special, ever.
We’ve spent the night together… [ holding back the tears ] yeahhhh!”

Good night, Jade. Daddy’ll be home soon. [ he wiggles his ear ]

[ end credits roll:

Executive Producer
ALAN BRADY

Producer
MEL COOLEY

Written by
ROB PETRIE
SALLY ROGERS
BUDDY SORRELL

A
BERNIE SUGARMAN
PRODUCTION ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

Susan St. James’ Monologue

…Susan Saint James
Douglas MacArthur…Tim Kazurinsky
Macbeth…Tony Rosato
Ronald McDonald…Joe Piscopo

Mel Brand: Ladies and gentlemen, Susan Saint James!

[Applause. Susan Saint James walks to the main stage dressed in a red #18 T-shirt.]

Susan Saint James: Well, you guessed it. That’s right, I am Susan Saint James. Listen, I’ve been in show business for about 15 years, and I am here tonight to clear up some of the misconceptions that you may have about me. For instance, a big one: I’m not Jill St. John, and I’m not even built like Jill St. John! My name is Saint James. S-A-I-N-T, you know how they get it wrong in the National Enquirer all the time? S-A-I-N-T, that’s me. Okay, I was not named after an infirmary, and I was not named after a Bible. Another common misconception: Is there anybody here old enough to remember the Name of the Game series? [applause and whistles] All right, we’re getting the adults in here now! Okay! Well, listen, everybody used to always think my character, Peggy Maxwell, was sleeping with all three of her bosses. I mean, one right after another: Gene Barry, Tony Franciosa, Bob Stack, bang-bang-bang! Another big misconception! Okay, next, the misconception: Did you and Rock Hudson really get along? I mean, we did. We got along great. Rock is a wonderful guy, and we worked together for five years on McMillan & Wife. [applause] I wore this in case you forgot, you know what I mean? Gene Washington, number 18. Listen, all of this is leading up to the obligatory Saturday Night Live host sketch. I had to do it. They’re paying me to do it. Okay, Broderick Crawford was on here, he did a Highway Patrol sketch. We had Margot Kidder, she came on and she did a Lois Lane sketch. We had Tony Perkins, and he did a Psycho sketch. But tonight, I said I’m not gonna do it the regular way. I wanna do it a little different. Let’s let the audience participate a little bit. You know, you guys came here tonight. We’re gonna let you decide what kind of a sketch we are gonna do. Okay, you ready? You got three choices. Your first choice is: We could do it as MacArthur & Wife! Let’s hear it! Wha’d’ya think? We’re taking a vote!

[Tim Kazurinsky walks on stage dressed as Douglas MacArthur as audience applauds. Tim tries to encourage more applause, but Susan pushes him aside]

Susan Saint James: Okay, we got another choice: We got Macbeth & Wife!

[applause as Tony Rosato walks on stage as Macbeth]

Susan Saint James: We’ve got one more choice, and my favorite: Let’s hear it for McDonald & Wife!

[applause as Joe Piscopo walks on stage as Ronald McDonald. Joe and Susan hug]

Susan Saint James: Okay, guys. Remember, you asked for it!

[Joe and Susan exit to prepare for the McDonald & Wife sketch, leaving a disappointed Tim and Tony on the main stage]

[dissolve to “McDonald & Wife” sketch]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

She’s A Pig

Peter…..Tim Kazurinsky
Ellen…..Mary Gross
Paulette Clooney…..Robin Duke
Peter’s Mother…..Christine Ebersole

[ open on interior, fancy restaurant. Peter sits alone at a booth as Ellen passes by. ]

Ellen: Peter?

Peter: [ surprised ] Ellen.

Ellen: I don’t believe this! Of all people — well, fancy this!

Peter: It’s good to see you. [ she sits in his booth ] Um… why don’t you join me, for a few moments?

Ellen: Well, I can only stay a few moments — I’m off to meet a client. I suppose you, too, are meeting someone?

Peter: Yes, uh… my fiancee.

Ellen: Oh. Well… how lovely. I’m very happy for you.

Peter: So, how are you?

Ellen: Oh… [ she laughs nervously ]

Peter: What’s so funny?

Ellen: Oh, nothing. It’s just that I’ve really dreaded this moment.

Peter: Well, so have I.

Ellen: It seems so strange to see someone that you’ve been intimate with. It makes you feel as if you’ve never known the person at all. But you have! But you act like you don’t! It just seems so strange… so different… so formal. [ she smiles ] So, how have you been? [ she laughs ]

Peter: Fine. I’ve changed! I golf!

Ellen: Oh, you do? How interesting.

Peter: Yeah, I suppose. [ they laugh ] And yourself?

Ellen: Oh, nothing much. I slashed my wrist. [ she holds up her wrist, as Peter looks concerned ] Oh, don’t worry, it was nothing — just a Lady Gillette. I went straight to the hospital, and they put a Band-aid on it.

Peter: Oh.

Ellen: Oh, Peter! Don’t be so dramatic! It’s something I’vealways wanted to say I’ve done! [ she laughs ]

Peter: Well, I-I don’t want you to think it was easy for me. I was pretty devastated, too. It took someone very special to help me get over that rough time. And I-I-I’ve found someone. She’s… she’s quite a woman. She’s a real woman. Her name’s Paulette. We’re so different, now. We’re worlds apart. It shouldn’t work, but it does.

Ellen: Well, congratulations! I suppose I would have preferred to have found you down and out, lying in a gutter. Well, maybe not a gutter… but sitting on a curb looking sad.

Peter: Well, Paulette is truly a remarkable woman.

Ellen: Nice segueway.

Peter: She’s so full of life, uh…

[ suddenly, Paulette appears behind them, annoyed by Ellen’s presence ]

Paulette: Who the HELL are you?!

Peter: [ surprised ] Paulette! Uh… uh, this is Ellen.

Paulette: Don’t try to worm your way out of it! Where the HELL were you?! [ she crashes into the booth ] Jeez! I was sitting down at the Cafe Ole for tow hours waiting for you, like some kind of a NUT! Where the HELL where you?! I’ll tell you THIS much — on top of that, I got all these GREASEBALLS hitting on me! [ she points to Ellen ] I’ll tell you — a single broad CANNOT enjoy a drink alone these days! Am I right? [ Ellen nods sheepishly ]

Paulette: [ to Peter ] So, anyway, listen to this — [ she removes her fur coat, revealing a strapless bra hanging on for dear life ] This one moose comes up to me — right? — tells me he’ll give me twenty bucks to pull my top out like this: [ she pulls her bra out, as Peter looks away ] So I SMASHED him in the FACE! [ she laughs ] Oh, geez, look at that! I broke a nail! [ she dips her nail in Peter’s drink, wipes it with a napkin, then rubs the napkin under her arm ]

Peter: I left a message at your hotel.

Paulette: Well, I didn’t GO to my hotel! Okay? I thought it was on for the Cafe Ole! Geez, you’re lucky I seen you through the window of this joint, I was headin’ home! [ she looks at Ellen ] Who’s the dame?

Peter: This is Ellen. I introduced her already.

Paulette: Oh, cut me a break, would you, Petey? Why’d I ask “Who’s the dame?” if you told me already?

Peter: [ exasperated ] Paulette, this is Ellen; Ellen, Paulette.

Ellen: Charmed.

Paulette: Yeah, I’m sure. [to Peter ] Where’s the can?

Peter: [ pointing ] Across the lobby and down the stairs.

Paulette: Yeah, well, order me a couple of drafts, babe. Black, if they got ’em. Okay? I’m going to the toilet to turn myself up a bit. [ to Ellen ] Hey — no offense, toots!

[ Paulette exits to the bathroom ]

Ellen: She’s a pig! [ Peter gives her a dirty look ] But not in the bad sense, though. It’s just that she’s so… so bovine.

Peter: [ annoyed ] You’re being sarcastic!

Ellen: Right! Why bother to wait? It’s only sarcasm. She’s a pig!

Peter: You know, first impressions are —

Ellen: First impressions are usually right on the money, Petey — she’s a pig!

Peter: Well, why don’t you just knock it off, huh? You’re jealous, that’s all!

Ellen: Cut me a break, will ‘ya? We’re talking USDA! We’re talking pork on the hoof!

Peter: I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave!

Ellen: Again? Yeah, well, I better make room for the sty.

Peter: Wait a minute! You just wait! She’s WONDERFUL! She’s full of life! She can drink ANY guy under the table!

Ellen: Such a rare quality these days. Peter, I’m sorry. Listen, uh, can I buy you a drink? No hard feelings, okay? [ Peter nods ] Okay! Uh, Waiter? A dry martini for the gentleman, and could you pour a keg of beer in a trough for the lady?

Peter: [ aggravated ] You just don’t understand! She — she can take me places I’ve never been before!

Ellen: Yeah? Well, I hope they have penicillin there!

Peter: That’s ENOUGH, alright?!

Ellen: Peter, I just don’t understand. You’re educated, you’re sophisticated — we never missed a Bergman flick or a gallery opening. We hit all the major exhibits and all the —

Peter’s Mom: Petey, baby!

Peter: [ caught off-guard ] Mom!

[ Mom is dressed like an older Paulette ]

Peter’s Mom: Petey, look at you — you’re still dressed like a SISSY! [ she looks at Ellen ] This the dame you wanted me to meet?

Peter: No, no, no… this is Ellen. An old friend. She was just leaving.

Ellen: Goodbye, Peter. [ she oinks before leaving ]

Peter’s Mom: Hey, Petey — where’s the can?

Peter: It’s, uh… it’s across the lobby and down the stairs, Mom.

Peter’s Mom: okay. Listen — order me a couple of drafts, alright…?

[ camera zooms out, then fades ]

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable | Cable TV Providers | Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

Honeymoon Virgin

Billy…..Tony Rosato
Sharon…..Susan Saint James

[ open on interior, darkened honeymoon suite, as newly-married couple cross the threshold while humming “The Wedding March” ]

Billy: Well, here we are, honey! The Honeymoon capitof of America — Daytona Beach! Get the light, will ‘ya? [ she flips the light switch with her foot as he pushes the door closed with his back ] Oh, I gotta put you down, honey. Oh, boy… you’re putting on a little bit of weight there, I think. Huh?

Sharon: No, I think it has to do with the suitcases.

Billy: Oh. I thought you left those in the car. [ he looks around the suite ] Hey, look at this! Look at this, huh! Lawn chairs and everything.

Sharon: Billy, look! Champagne! THe motel people must have left it for us.

Billy: That’s nice. Oh, that’ssupposed to be excellent stuff, and it’s a good vintage, too — February’s a good month. Okay, now stand back, Sharon, because I’m gonna pop this thing. [ he holds the bottle out ]

Sharon: Billy?

Billy: Look out, baby, this thing goes off like a cannon.

Sharon: Billy.

Billy: Look out, Sharon!

Sharon: Honey. honey, it’s a twist-off, I think you just screw it off like that. [ she untwists the cork ]

Billy: Oh, yeah, yeah… I knew that. I knew that. [ she holds up two glasses ] Let’s have a little bit of the bubbly, huh?

Sharon: Uh-huh!

[ Billy pours the champagne into the glasses, not realizing they’re covered in plastic wrap, prompting the champagne to splash onto Sharon’s clothes ]

Billy: There’s plastic on those! Let me get a towel, let me get a towel…

Sharon: No, no, I got it…

Billy: I’m sorry, Sharon.

Sharon: I’m sure it’ll dry right off.

Billy: Yeah? You sure? I didn’t even see those. [ he removes the plasti wrap from the glasses ] Why the hell is there plastic on these things?

Sharon: I know. Well, it’s sanitary that way.

Billy: Okay, here. [ he hands her a glass ] you want to make a toast?

Sharon: Oh, yeah!

Billy: Let’s make a little toast.

Sharon: Okay, alright!

Billy: [ he pours the champagne ] A little bit for you… a little bit for me… Good, it looks like Bromo. [ she laughs ] Alright! To the most wonderful girl in the world. Thanks so much for coming into my life. To you.

Sharon: [ she smiles ] Billy. Such a jerk! [ she laughs, then chugs her champagne ]

Billy: [ he shrugs, then chugs ] Oh, that’s got a kick to it, huh? Oh, I don’t know about you, but I feel a little crazy now! [ she laughs nervously ] I think it’s time, Sharon!

Sharon: No, no…

Billy: I think it’s TIME, honey! [ he removes his jacket, dances seductively, then howls like a wolf and stands on a chair over the bed ] Come on, I’ve been practicing all week — it’ll be a riot!

Sharon: No, no…

Billy: Come on, lie down! I’ll just come gliding in there. Come on, I’ll do a double flip and it’ll be a riot!

Sharon: [ finally ] I’VE NEVER MADE LOVE TO ANYBODY BEFORE!!

Billy: Huh?

Sharon: [ quietly ] I’ve never made love to anybody before.

Billy: Are y-y-y-y-you serious? you never made love to anybody? [ he climbs down ]

Sharon: I’ve never even simulated it.

Billy: W-w-w-w-w-wait a minute… Sharon… weren’t you th one who said we were gonna wait until today? I mean, “Doing it with the one you love was gonna be beautiful.” You said that, didn’t you?

Sharon: Oh, yes.

Billy: Well… I assumed you were talking from experience!

Sharon: Ohhh. Noooo.

Billy: But you’re 31 years old. That’s a long time to hold on! How did you manage that?

Sharon: I don’t know, I just kept putting it off. The first tiem the situation arose, I aid “No.” The second time the situation arose, I said “No.” And the third time, I said “Yes,” but he said “No.”

Billy: W-w-w-whoa, wait a minute… Sharon. I don’t understand. I mean, why was I a “No”? I mean, I look like a “Maybe” at the most! I don’t understand!

Sharon: Billy… because I love you. I didn’t know that sex was the most important thing in your life.

Billy: Well… not the most important thing… But once every 31 years starts to take on some significance! You know what I mean? Sharon, it’s like buying a brand new car! I mean, if you put it in the garage for 31 years… it might not start up the next morning!

Sharon: Oh, don’t be silly. Don’t you remember that poem that you wrote me? The first one, where you said: “Love is like the whirling of the universe in two people’s eyes.” You meant that, didn’t you?

Billy: Yeah, yeah! Of course, I meant that. Of course. But this is a different situation, Sharon…

Sharon: Oh, don’t be silly! As long as we love each other.

Billy: No, but you don’t seem to know what the problem is, Sharon. I don’t think you understand, Sharon.

Sharon: I think you’re making it too important.

Billy: You don’t see the position that I’m in now. I mean, the onus, honey — the onus is now on me to be INCREDIBLE! I’ve got to be INCREDIBLE now! I’m not incredible, honey!

Sharon: I don’t care!

Billy: I know, Sharon, but it’s your first time. Your first time should be good.

Sharon: I won’t know the difference!

Billy: [ the light bulb flicks on ] That’s true… that’s true. What the hell are you gonna compare it to! [ he takes her hands ] Hey, and you know something, honey? I have to be incredible sometimes! [ she laughs with him ] Oh, you’re right… maybe you’re right.

Sharon: You know, I always wondered how people got from standing up with their clothes on to lying down naked.

Billy: [ thinking ] Oh… we got a long night ahead of us, don’t we? I got an idea that’ll make it easier. Why don’t I start taking something off first, and then you can start to take something off, and then we’ll work our way down. Four hours will go. Let’s go. Come on, come and sit here on my lap. Come on, Sharon. Don’t worry, it’ll be okay.

Sharon: Okay. [ she sits on his lap ]

Billy: Okay, now don’t be freaked out by these rolls on my sides — they’re called love handles, okay? [ she stands ] Sharon, come on, it’ll be okay…

Sharon: No, Billy, I can’t…

Billy: No, come on, it’s okay!

Sharon: Ican’t, I can’t… [ she climbs on the chair ]

Billy: What are you doing?

Sharon: LAY DOWN, I’m gonna JUMP ON YOU!!

Billy: [ he lays down flat ] ALRIGHT!!

[ she dives off the chair and lands on top of him victoriously ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable | Cable TV Providers | Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Guest Writer:


October 17th, 1981

George Kennedy

Miles Davis

Harry Anderson

Ron Howard

Regis Philbin

John Candy

Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Control Room ’81Summary: When cameras start cutting out during a “To Tell The Truth” sketch, George Kennedy puts himself in Joe Patroni-mode to take over the control room and keep the broadcast on air.

Transcript

Montage

George Kennedy’s MonologueSummary: George Kennedy is ready to redline tonight’s broadcast.

Transcript

Mister Robinson’s NeighborhoodSummary: Mister Robinson (Eddie Murphy) receives an eviction notice from Mr. Landlord (Tim Kazurisnky), then travels to the Magical Land of Make-Believe to ask President Ronald Reagan where his money went.

Recurring Characters: Mister Robinson, Mr. Landlord.

Transcript

53 at Studio 54Summary: After discovering he’s not on Studio 54’s guest list, old-timer George Kennedy sings that it’s no fun to be “53 at Studio 54”.

Transcript

A Few Minutes With Andy RooneySummary Jones: Andy Rooney (Joe Piscopo) grouses about chocolates and his nagging wife (Christine Ebersole), who registers a few grumpisms of her own.

Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney.

Transcript

Velvet Jones School of TechnologySummary: Entrepreneur Velvet Jones (Eddie Murphy) pimps his new book: “I Wanna Be A Ho”.

Recurring Characters: Velvet Jones.

Transcript

Harry AndersonSummary: Comic-magician Harry Anderson tears and repairs an audience member’s $5 bill, then reveals the varied mechanisms that helped him pull off the illusion.

Mr. Bill Goes to L.A.Summary: In a film by Walter Williams, Mr. Bill’s sojourn in Los Angeles is interrupted by a cocaine bust that costs him his mansion, as well as an earthquake that swallows him whole.

Spray-On LaetrilSummary: Gwen (Christine Ebersole) shows Peggy (Mary Gross) how to clear up her unsightly lung cancer with a few easy sprays from the pump.

Transcript

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurraySummary: Eddie Murphy declares that no person is too ugly to have sex with. Juan Gavino (John Candy) gives the Mexican weather report.

La Cage Aux Folles ’81

Up & At ‘Em

Rubik’s Teeth

Miles Davis performs “Jean Pierre”

Jake the Hired Hand

An Editorial ReplySummary: Marilyn Monroe (Mary Gross) sings “Downers Are A Girl’s Best Friend.”

Recurring Characters: Marilyn Monroe.

Transcript

Tuna Melts & TypingSummary: Janitor (George Kennedy) and secretary (Christine Ebersole) discuss her engagement and chat about nostalgic music while eating late night tuna fish sandwiches.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable