Category: 1985

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Observational Stand-Ups II

Steve…..Dennis Miller
Bob…..Jon Lovitz
Keith…..Damon Wayans
Jackie Niles…..Jay Leno

[ open on a group of Seinfeldian comedians, dressed in jeans and sport jackets, hanging around the backstage area before their sets. Bob reaches for the pay phone, as Keith and ?? spot him. ]

Steve: Hey, Bob! Killer set!

Bob: Hey! Hot crowd!

Steve: Yeah! Hey! You’re not gonna believe what just happened to me at the store!

Bob: Well, hey! Fill me in!

Steve: Hey! I’m shopping for jackets, and I’m thinking, “Hey! Why do they call it a sport jacket?”

Bob: Hey! You don’t play sports in them!

Steve: No way!

Keith: Hey! Maybe they should call them “walking around” jackets!

Bob: Yeah! Or “going out to a decent restaurant” jacket! Hey!

Keith: But, what I want to know is, what’s the deal with dinner jackets?

Steve: What do you mean?

Keith: I mean, hey! What if you wear a dinner jacket to lunch? Does the maitre’d make you take it off?

Bob: Yeah! I mean, hey! Does he make you wear a lunch jacket?

Steve: Hey! Great tag!

Bob: Hey! Thanks!

Steve: And, speaking of breakfast – hey! Let’s take a walk down Java Lane!

Together: Hey! Hey! Hey!

[ the three of them jaunt over to a table with a coffee machine ]

Bob: Hey! Everybody having a good time?

Steve: Hey! Yeah!

Keith: Hey! It’s great to be here!

Bob: Yeah! Hey! You ever think about those coffee tasters in Columbia?

Steve: Hey! What do you mean?

Bob: I mean, hey! What do they do on their offee breaks? Work for fifteen minutes? Hey! I want to know!

Keith: Hey! What I want to know is, what about Mr. Coffee? Who does he hang out with? Mr. T?

Bob: Yeah!

Keith: Hey!

Steve: And who does he bowl with? Mr. Cup-A-Soup?

Bob: Yeah! And, hey! Guys! Why do they always say, “Fill it to the rim with Brim”? I mean, hey! If you fill it to the rim, it spills when you drink it!

Steve: Hey! Maybe they should say, “Fill it almost to the rim with Brim, because I don’t want a lapful of Joe!”

Bob: Yeah! Hey, Keith! Great tie!

Keith: Hey, babe! Thanks!

Bob: Sure! Hey! You guys ever think about the existence of God?

Keith: Yeah!

Steve: Hey! Sure! I mean, hey! How do we know we’re not just on this planet by some accident of nature?

Keith: Hey! Hey! I mean, hey! I guess life is just a series of unmissed — [ stumbling ] ..unanswered mysteries!

Steve: Exactly!

Keith: [ trying not to crack himself up ] Yeah! Hey! Sit tight! Like, what’s the deal with Fred Flintstone’s feet?

Bob: I mean, hey! You could fit forty of Wilma’s feet into one of Fred’s! And, hey! He’s only got three toes!

Steve: Hey! Maybe he wore out the other two toes starting the car!

Bob: Hey!

[ older comedian, Jackie Niles, dressed in a blue tuxedo and chomping on a cigar, enters the backstage area ]

Jackie Niles: Hello, fellas!

Keith: Hey, look! It’s Jackie Niles!

Steve: Hey, Jack! You gonna do a set?

Jackie Niles: No, no, I’m not doing a set tonight, fellas. I’m just in town, but I’ll tell you one thing – I’m staying in a fancy hotel, a very fancy hotel – it’s fabulous, it’s fabulous. I tell you, very expensive – I dropped a quarter, the bellman picked it up, I had to give him a fifty-cent tip. What do you think of that, boys?

[ the observational comics laugh at Jackie’s jokes ]

Jackie Niles: You know, but I love what you new kids are doing with the comedy – conceptualizing it, you know? And, you.. [ points to Keith ] ..you, the colored fellow – you remind me of Slap Meat Higgins. You remember Slap Meat Higgins? He was a fabulous, fabuolus comic. And the way you do, what do you call – the improvisation. You know, in my day, you hit a fellow with a pie, it was funny. Today, you kids, you want to know why you hit him with the pie, what’s the motivation for the pie? And I think that’s fabulous.

And the dances the kids are doing today. I see that Twist, the Mashed Potato, they’re doing the home fries, they’re doing everything, I tell you. And the hair! The hair is so long, you can’t tell the boys from the girls! I saw a fellow walking down the street the other day – he looked like a Jack, he acted like a Jill, he smelled like a John! I didn’t know what hteh eck was going on!

I’ll tell you something – I’ll tell oyu right now! I’ll tell you this right now, fellows – they’re the only kids we got, and God bless them, huh? And, listen, when you get out to the Coast, you just call me – Jackie, huh? [ hands them his cards ] Go ahead there, you get yourself a little something!

Steve: Thanks, Jackie!

Jackie Niles: I gotta run! I gotta run!

Steve: Hey! What a great guy!

Bob: Hey! He really opened up to us!

Keith: I mean, hey! I sense his wisdom already!

Steve: Hey! I could have listened to him all night!

Bob: Yeah! Hey! What about that easy listening music?

Keith: Well, what do you mean?

Bob: I mean, what’s so easy about listening to Ray Conniff? Hey!

Steve: Hey, no way! I mean, hey! Hey!

[ they laugh with one another, and exit the backstage area as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Jay’s Evil Twin

Kate…..Joan Cusack
…..Jay Leno

[ open on dark, empty apartment, as Jay Leno and his date Kate enter, turn on the lights and sit on the couch in the center of the room ]

Kate: Oh, Jay.. I had a wonderful time tonight.

Jay Leno: Well, you know, I.. I ould see “Unmarried Woman” fifty times.

Kate: Oh, I know, it was really great. Jay, your commitment to feminism is so strong.

Jay Leno: Oh, it’s not really feminism, so much, Kate, as it is, I guess.. people. You know, I guess you could say I’m a people person. But, listen – before we read aloud from “Our Bodies Ourselves”.. [ picks up book from coffee table ] ..can I, uh.. can I offer you a little herbal tea?

Kate: Oh, Jay, that would be wonderful!

Jay Leno: And then, once we’ve been warmed by the tea.. [ apprehensively ] ..possibly, you and I could, uh.. make loves?

Kate: Oh. [ a pause ] Jay, you’re such a good, good man.. and I’m tempted, but.. I don’t believe in making love until I get to know someone very, very well.

Jay Leno: Oh, Kate, Kate, you don’t know how glad that makes me feel! Alright, look – it was a cruel test, but I just had to be sure that you feel the same way I do about making love too soon. Listen, hey – how about that tea now, huh?

Kate: I’d love it.

Jay Leno: Alright! [ retreats to the kitchen ]

[ Kate waits on the couch, reflecting on the wonderful man she’s dating, when a man who looks exactly like Jay, except with a moustache, steps out of the kitchen holding a can of beer ]

Jay’s Evil Twin: What’s the matter, baby? Still got your clothes on? [ releases an evil laugh as he shakes the beer can ]

Kate: Oh, uh.. I don’t want that beer.. I.. no, thank you, Jay.

Jay’s Evil Twin: [ releases an evil laugh ] Wet t-shirt contest, baby? [ pulls the tab on the beer can, gushing beer all over Kate’s clothes ]

Kate: Why! You’re not Jay! You’re Wade, his evil twin!

Jay’s Evil Twin: [ releases an evil laugh ] Jay – that little weasel! That sniveling druid! What kind of a man would read “Our Bodies Ourselves”? I’ve got my own version of that book, baby – it’s called “Your Body Myself!” [ releases an evil laugh ]

Kate: Ohhh, that’s evil! You’re an evil, evil man! [ runs quickly out of the apartment ]

Jay Leno: [ releases an evil laugh, as he peels the fake moustache off his upper lip ] You know.. I had a hunch that dame wasn’t going to come across on the first date. You know, this evil twin thing works every time – I could have blown three hours and who knows how much dough on that girl. But, anyway.. [ checks his watch ] My God, it’s still early.. I can still go to Hef’s place, maybe meet somebody else there. See you later. [ releases evil laugh as he exits the apartment ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

… Dennis Miller
… A. Whitney Brown
… The Weekend Update Dancers

Music Intro: Henry Mancini’s “Theme from PeterGunn”

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withanchorperson Dennis Miller!

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Thank you very much.[lacking soul] R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it meansto me.

[Photo of round-faced dictator “Baby Doc” Duvalier]The United States this week denied entry to formerHaitian president Jean-Claude Duvalier, currentlyliving in France. A spokesman for the StateDepartment, in a carefully worded statement, said:[rapidly quoting old song lyric] “I don’t want him,you can have him, he’s too fat for me.” …

[Photo of Philippine leader Ferdinand Marcos dressedin white and flanked by two other Asian men alsodressed in white] In balloting done by the Hop SingInstitute of Virginia City, Nevada, President Marcoshas been named Houseboy of the Year by thatprestigious organization. … [scattered applause forthis reference to Victor Sen Yung’s houseboy characteron the TV series “Bonanza” which was set in thevicinity of Virginia City, Nevada]

Three weeks ago, Pepsi-Cola bought 7-Up and, thisweek, Coca-Cola bought Dr. Pepper. And this morning,in the smartest move of the year, the distantthird-ranking soft drink, Royal Crown, bought theentire water supply of North America. …[applause]

Walter Mondale finally resurfaced this week and saidhe still can’t believe how bad he got stomped. Youknow, it’s been over a year and I can’t even rememberthe final count but, when I went to bed, Reagan hadfive hundred ninety-eight electoral votes — Mondalehad three. [chuckles] You know, if you think about it,that’s only three more than I had — I didn’t evenrun, you know? … This guy spent fortymillion dollars and I almost tied him. … Talk aboutnot havin’ a date for the prom, huh? …

Geraldine Ferraro’s son, John Zacarro, Jr., was bustedfor cocaine possession yesterday at Vermont’sMiddlebury College. [scattered applause – Dennis looksup in surprise and ad libs:] I think the Board ofRegents is here. … School psychiatrists said youngJohn had a deep-seated need to compete with hisfather, John Zacarro, Sr. who … last year pleadedguilty to real estate fraud. … [scattered applause] Geraldine Ferraro, reached for a comment, said, “Ican’t explain any of this but, you know, I’m sure gladI kept my own last name.” …

Influenza’s back in the news and the Center forDisease Control in Atlanta has announced that thisyear will see the most widespread flu epidemic since1981. Now, to interpret this news story and its effecton you, here’s the James Brown hit single “Living inAmerica” and the Weekend Update Dancers, ladies andgentlemen!

[Song begins. Camera zooms back as Dennis pulls hispapers off the desk and retreats to make way for ahalf-dozen shapely women in scanty black outfits whodance onto the set — three in front of the desk,three on top of the desk. Lights flash on the setwhile the dancers wave handkerchiefs and, as part ofthe choreography, blow their noses, clutch their headsand stomachs in pain, mime taking pills and going tosleep, etc., before exiting. Applause.]

Dennis Miller: That’s not exactly Scotty Restonbut, then again, have you ever seen his legs? …[mild reaction to Dennis’ mention of New YorkTimes columnist James B. “Scotty” Reston]Obviously, you’ve seen Scotty’s legs a lot.America’s– …

America’s newest supership, the U.S.S. Yorktown, whichis capable of shooting down hundreds of targets atonce and can simultaneously track everything in theMediterranean that moves, smacked into a rock todayand sank. … [applause]

[Photo of bald Russian dissident Anatoly Sharansky]This is not the boat. This is Anatoly Sharansky and hehas been invited to visit New York by Mayor Ed Koch.[Photo of bald Ed Koch] Both are said to be lookingforward to meeting, dining together — [Side by sidephotos of Koch and Sharansky] — and having someserious discussions about hair loss. …

Newsweek magazine’s cover story this week wason Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker whom theyrefer to as “the second most powerful man in America.”The most powerful man, of course, for obvious reasons,is singer-actor John Davidson. [Photo of John Davidsonwith a streak of white in his hair] … [Dennischuckles and points to his own hair] What’s with thatwhite thing, Johnny? Get a hold of that, okay?…

[Photo of Ronald Reagan cupping a hand to his mouthand yelling to someone] President Reagan entered ahog-calling contest in Iowa last Thursday. …[applause] And you know what? He made Tip O’Neill runall the way from Washington to Des Moines just so hecould win it. … [Dennis apologizes to the overweightSpeaker of the House of Representatives] Sorry aboutthat, Tipper.

Contrary to long-held belief, anthropologists now saythat American Indians wasted literally every part ofthe buffalo. The large fatty hump was used as adoorstop, the hide was used for kites, and the hornswere used as fake buck teeth. …

A new variation in the game of bridge — in which thecards are looked at briefly, then torn in half andthrown in your opponent’s face — has been invented bya poor sport in Boston. … [weak reaction from crowd,Dennis sighs] Wish he would have kept that inventionto himself. Well! …

Dennis Miller: Here again, to untangle theknotty strands of the world situation, is our seniorcorrespondent. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome A.Whitney Brown!

[Cheers and applause as we dolly over to the dappercommentator.]

A. Whitney Brown: Thank you. Thank you. I’m A.Whitney Brown. Someday I hope to be the WhitneyBrown. …

Fifteen years ago tonight, I was an apathetic vagabondpicking up cigarette butts on the streets ofFlagstaff. But I wasn’t a bum. I was an idea manfocused on the absorbing subject of the universe intoto — something I like to call “The BigPicture.” And it’s paid off. Today, I have threepeople picking up cigarette butts for me. …

But, you know, the problem today is that nobody seemsto care about the things they can’t do anything about.And, of course, you don’t get the Big Picture from thenews media, either. Take this big brouhaha in Haiti.You really gotta hand it to the Haitian people.They’ve finally proven to the world that nobody canoppress them for more than twenty-nine years ata time. …

Of course, just when you think the news media can helpyou understand the world, they run another story onthe Iran-Iraq war. Who’s the good guy here?Nobody even knows why they’re fighting. Near as I cantell, it’s because their names sound too much alike…. Iran wants Iraq to change its name to”Boot-Licking Lackey of the Degenerate She-Devil.” …[applause]

Actually, the whole thing started over a propertyclaim that’s twenty-five hundred years old. Which hasto leave you wondering about the speed of Islamicbureaucracy. … I mean, how did that issue suddenlypop up in conversation? “You know, Omar, that – thatPersian land grab back in 500 B.C.’s really startingto stick in my craw. … Get the gun.”

Of course, we’re still left with the problem of who toroot for in this miserable little war. And I’m suresome vindictive Americans would love to see theAyatollah dangling from a lamp post in Baghdad. But myguess is that those people really don’t know muchabout the other sheriff in town, Iraqi dictator Saddamal-Hussein. Even the moderate Arab states are afraidof this guy. A moderate Arab, of course, being one whoonly holds a grudge for eight generations. … If yourecall, he’s the man who tried to build himself anuclear bomb — which, in Iraq’s case would be like atermite having a chain saw. … Trying to pick a goodguy from this bag o’ snakes makes me feel — realstupid. So, for an answer, I asked myself, “What wouldthose wretched bums in Flagstaff have thought?” Ithink they would’ve taken a swig of Bali Hai, burped,and said, “Kid, you’re an American — bet on thewinner.”

And that’s the Big Picture for tonight. Thank you.[applause]

Dennis Miller: Whitney! [shakes Whitney’shand]

A. Whitney Brown: Yes. Thank you.

Dennis Miller: Whitney Brown, ladies andgentlemen! Whitney Brown. And, you know, this just in,Whitney, the nations of Iraq and Iran merged today toform a new nation, “Iraq-an” [pronounced “I rock on.”]and … appointed Dick Clark spiritual leader….

You know, I’m just fascinated by that USA Todayweather map. …

[Photo of Britain’s Princess Diana and her son whoresembles the kid from The Omen movie series]One final story. Princess Diana revealed that hereldest son is actually Damien, the child of Satan. …[Photo of Diana’s big-eared husband Prince Charles]Unbeknownst to Prince Charles who was in Dallasattending the Texas sesquicentennial where he wowed’em with his opening one-liner: “I just flew in fromLondon and, boy, are my ears tired.” …[applause]

Hey, that’s the news! I am out o’ here! Good night,ladies and gentlemen!

[Cheers, applause and burst of music as we fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 15th, 1986

Griffin Dunne

Rosanne Cash

Penn & Teller
A Message From Tommy FlanaganSummary: Pathological Liar Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) comments on SNL’s recent rash of bad ratings, insisting that it’s in the same league as “The Cosby Show.”

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Transcript

Montage

Griffin Dunne’s MonologueSummary: A nervous Gruffin Dunne experiences hair loss and sweaty underarms before amazing the audience with his ability to play the drum solo from “Wipeout” with one hand.

Bio: The son of writer Dominick Dunne, Griffin Dunne (1955-) starred in a pair of cult films during the 1980’s – “An American Werewolf in London” and “After Hours”, released a few months prior to his SNL hosting.

Transcript

Double R & SonSummary: Rudy Randolph, Jr. (Randy Quaid) has thousands of goods to offer at his Ferdinand Marcos Malacanang Palace Liquidation Sale. From tiny shoes to brassieres, you won’t find a better deal in town.

Recurring Characters: Rudy Randolph, Jr., Rudy Randolph III.

Mr. MonopolySummary: Lawyer Mr. Monopoly (Jon Lovitz) uses a get-out-of-jail-free card to prevent his client, Mr. Carasco (Griffin Dunne), from receiving a prison sentence. Many more Monopoly cliches follow.

Note: Damon Wayans decided between dress and air that his cop character should be played with more flamboyance. The deviation from the script causes Wayans to be fired.

You Bet Your FingerSummary: Game show contestant Kevin McMurray (Griffin Dunne) is excited about playing the dangerous trivia game, even when the malfunctioning mini-guillotine drops the blade before questions can be asked.

Bad SeedSummary: First-Lady Nancy Reagan (Terry Sweeney) informs viewers that daughter Patti Davis’ tell-all book is not based on fact, then unveils her own non-factual tell-all book about Patti.

Recurring Characters: Nancy Reagan.

Transcript

Buon Giorno, Ireland, Buon GiornoSummary: Gianni Tucci (Don Novello) sngs traditional Irish tunes in his own native Italian language.

Rosanne Cash performs “Hold On”Bio: The daughter of country legend Johnny Cash, Rosanne Cash (1955-) released her first album in 1978. She had her first of 11 No. 1 country hits in 1981, with “Seven Year Ache.”

Two Jones Cable InstallersSummary: Ned (Damon Wayans) and Fed Jones (Anthony Michael Hall) have the hook-up to get you free cable television from your neighbor.

Recurring Characters: Ned Jones, Fed Jones.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: The Ivy League sex scandal has the Weekend Update Dancers “Addicted to Love.” According to A. Whitney Brown’s “Big Picture”, giving $100,000,000 in aid to the Contras might not be in America’s best interests, which is enough to covince Dennis Miller to slice Central America off his map with a chain saw. Dennis Miller announces the Pinochet Countdown Contest, inviting viewers to guess the Chilean leader’s last day in office.

You Can Pick Your Nose, You Can Pick Your Friends, But You Can’t Pick Your Friends’ NosesSummary: Jonathon Lee (Jon Lovitz) tries to have a civil panel discussion, even though guest Burton Stewart (Griffin Dunne) keeps trying to pick guest Eli Horvath’s (Randy Quaid) nose.

Penn & TellerSummary: Penn & Teller demonstrate a card trick that viewers can successfully play on their friends if they get a tape into the VCR before the segment is over.

Business BeatSummary: Workplace cliches demonstrated by panel guests include a dangling carrot and an automatic kicking machine.

Rosanne Cash performs “I Don’t Know Why You Don’t Want Me”Note: Written in frustration after not winning any Grammy awards, this song actually did win Cash a Grammy in 1985.

Lyrics

The ZombieSummary: Teenager who now walks among the dead (Gruffin Dunne) maintains a close relationship with his ex-girlfriend’s mother (Joan Curtin), hoping he can win her back in spite of his death.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 12

85l: Griffin Dunne / Rosanne Cash

Goodnights

…..Griffin Dunne

Griffin Dunne: Good night, everybody!

[ pull out on the cast waving. Teller continues to hold up the “AMEN!” sign he was holding earlier. ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 12

85l: Griffin Dunne / Rosanne Cash

The Liar

Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz

[FADE IN on a glass window which sports the transparent “N” and superimposed nine-feather peacock of the NBC logo from the mid-1980’s. A second later, Tommy Flanagan steps into the shot, in a gray suit and a skinny dark tie, with his hair slicked back.]

Tommy: Hello, I’m Tommy Flanagan, and I’m a member of Pathological Liars Anonymous!

[cheers and applause]

Tommy: I’m also the official spokesman for NBC! Yeah, that’s it. Ehhhh, who am I kiddin’? I’m the OWNER of NBC. [laughter] And I’ve been asked to clear some of those ug–eh, beautiful rumors about Saturday Night Live. Now, as you know, the ratings have been… eh, eh, ASTRONOMICAL… through the roof! Why, better than the World Ser–the sim–”The Cosby Show”! Yeah! Yeah! That’s it! We’re neck-and-neck with “The Cosby Show,” and last week we PULLED AHEAD, yeah, that’s the ticket! They had a 54 share, yeah, and we had a nine… -ty-NINE share! And that was a RERUN! In fact, we weren’t even ON that night! Yeah, that’s the ticket.

[He stares suavely at the lens while the audience laughs.]

Tommy: And the reviews, why they’ve all been… ehh, ehh… and we’re neck-and-neck with “The Cosby Show”! We were a little worried at first because we had a new cast. [laughter] But everyone loves it! Why, just last–eh, eh… yesterday… we got nominated… for an Aca–an O–a… YEAH.

[laughter]

Tommy: And then there’s the reviews! Why, they’ve all been… ehh… and we have a new CAST! Yeah! Yeah! Neck-and-neck with “The Cosby Show”! Yeah, that’s it. And the show’s making more stars than ever before! Why, even our first host was a total unknown… Madonna. And now look at her! Why, she’s the toast of the town. But finally, let’s talk about those reviews. To be perfectly honest, they’ve all been, uh… [pauses] LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 12


Song appears
on the album:

85l: Griffin Dunne / Rosanne Cash

Rosanne Cash performs “I Don’t Know Why You Don’t Want Me”

…..Griffin Dunne
…..Rosanne Cash

Griffin Dunne: Once again – Rosanne Cash!

Rosanne Cash:
“It’s the right time you know I feel fine tonight (I don’t why you don’t want me)
It’s the right place I’ve got my new face tonight (I don’t why you don’t want me)
I’m in the right mind I’ve got my new shoes tonight (I don’t why you don’t want me)
I’ve got a new dress I couldn’t care less tonight (I don’t why you don’t want me)

Somebody told me I was so cold and mean (who was that talking)
Somebody wants you and don’t want me in between (she better start walkin’)
Somebody hurt you but baby she wasn’t me
We’ll find a new name for such a old game tonight (I don’t why you don’t want me)
I’ll show you how long that I can go on tonight (I don’t why you don’t want me)
I don’t know why you don’t want me

Just when I think that I can make it without you
You come round and say you want me now
You tell me don’t leave and I want to believe you
Why can’t you see just how much I need you

Somebody told me I was so cold and mean (who was that talking)
Somebody wants you and don’t want me in between (she better start walkin’)
Somebody hurt you but baby she wasn’t me

It’s the last chance for a romance tonight (I don’t why you don’t want me)
There’ll be no next time if you won’t be mine tonight (I don’t why you don’t want me)
I don’t know why you don’t want me.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 12

85l: Griffin Dunne / Rosanne Cash

Bad Seed

Announcer…..Don Pardo
Nancy Reagan…..Terry Sweeney

[Open on Nancy Reagan reading a book on a grayish-white chair next to a vase of pink and white flowers and a huge fireplace in a study room. The super, “A Public Service Announcement” appears at the bottom of the screen]

Announcer: The following is a public service announcement paid for by Friends of the First Lady.

[“A Public Service Announcement” super fades]

[Nancy continues reading as the camera slowly zooms in on her. Nancy then lifts her head up, closes the book, and addresses the camera]

Nancy Reagan: Hello, I’m Nancy Reagan, and this is a copy of my daughter Patti’s new book, Home Front [shows copy of book she was reading in the first few seconds of the PSA], which has been called a very revealing, behind-the-scenes look at the life of an idealistic [in the middle of Nancy’s sentence, a man in a blue, button-down shirt walks in front of the camera] young girl, rebelling against her narrow-minded, tyrannical parents…who just coincidentally happen to be the governor and First Lady of California…and who later end up…in the White House. Unfortunately, it’s written in the first person, which gives this book an autobiographical feel that makes this kind of trashy fiction [slightly chuckles to conceal her rage]: seem almost real. Why, there’s even ugly talk that the wife in the book, a repressed, cold, scheming manipulator, is based on—well, if you can believe this—me. [smiles]

That’s why I’m here tonight to set the record straight. There is nothing in this book that remotely resembles [voice trembles]: our real life. For example, on page 156 [opens book to page 156], when she took her poor mother to that modern art gallery, with the six-foot…phallic symbol painted Day-Glo colors. [closes book. Her sanity begins to waver as she delivers the next line]: Sometimes, at night, I close my eyes-and it’s there. [breathlessly]: Watching me, waiting for me, calling my name! [sobs, tears offending page out of Home Front, and rips it to shreds]: Oh, I hate that page! [sobs as she throws the torn pieces onto the floor, then composes herself]: I mean, I can imagine how the woman in the book must have felt.

Well, anyway, to make a long story short, I’ve decided to write a book of my own. It’s about a mother and a daughter, told from the mother’s point of view. I call it, Bad Seed, [holds up copy of novel Bad Seed with cover that credits Nancy Reagan and Stephen King as authors]: and I’ve chosen as my co-writer, Stephen King. [cheerfully]: It’s the story of a gracious, upbeat, attractive former actress turned First Lady [tone of voice turns less cheerful]: who is terrorized by an ungrateful, loudmouthed, slovenly daughter who is possessed by the Devil. [bitterly]: Despite having every advantage known to man, she turns into a raving hippie who refuses to put even one lousy curler in that long, brown, stringy hair of hers [holds up Home Front to reveal the back of the book where Patti Davis’s picture is. Nancy’s voice continues to waver with bitterness as she describes the rest of the book]: or wear even one of the tasteful, ladylike outfits her mother takes her valuable time to send her [growls]: every Christmas!

[puts Home Front down and calms herself]: My book, like my daughter, Patti’s, is purely fiction. [smiles]: Thank you.

[cheers and applause as we fade out]

Submitted by: Candy

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
March 22nd, 1986

George Wendt

Francis Ford Coppola

Philip Glass

Penn & Teller

Directed By Francis Ford Coppola

George Wendt’s Monologue

The Honeymooners, The Lost Episodes

Commercial-Free

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Mystery Playhouse

Philip Glass performs “Lightning”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

That Black Girl

Recurring Characters: LaToya Marie.

Fish Market Whale

Sketch Review

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Chance, Ashley Ashley.

Ghost of Master Thespian

Recurring Characters: Master Thespian.

Vietnam Sketch

Philip Glass performs “Rubric”

Suitcase Confrontational

The Grand Finale

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 8th, 1986

Ron Reagan

The Nelsons

Penn & Teller

White House Risky Business

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan.

Ron Reagan’s Monologue

Reagan explains how he’s the second most powerful person in the world.

Where You’re Going

(Repeat) See: 11/09/85.

The Pat Stevens Show

Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

Dalkon Shields

Back To The Future

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan, Doc.

The Nelsons perform “Walk Away”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Penn & Teller

The Limits Of The Imagination

Shakespeare in the Slums

The Nelsons perform “Do You Know What I Mean”

David’s Woody Allen Obsession

Recurring Characters: David.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts