Goodnights
…..Ron Reagan
Ron Reagan: We took an informal poll here.. We took an informal poll – we all had fun! I don’t know about you, huh? I want to thank The Nelsons! The Nelsons! and Penn & Teller! Good night! Good night!
Category: 1985
Back To The Future
Back To The Future
Ronald Reagan…..Randy Quaid
Nancy Davis/Reagan…..Terry Sweeney
…..Ron Reagan
Doc…..Jon Lovitz
Director…..Robert Downey, Jr.
Actor…..Dan Vitale
Welfare Mom…..Danitra Vance
[ “Power of Love” by Huey Lewis & The News pots up ]
[ SUPER: “Steven Spielberg Presents” ]
[ SUPER: “A Take Your Oscar And Shove It Production” ]
[ SUPER: “Back To The Future” logo ]
[ dissolve to exterior, suburban house – day ]
[ dissolve to interior, Ronald Reagan talking on the phone ]
Ronald Reagan: Hello, Sid? Ron Reagan. [ a beat ] The actor? I’m sorry to bother you, Sid, but, uh.. you’re my agent, and, uh.. well, I-I haven’t worked in ten years. Not since, uh, 1976, unless you count.. filling in for Bob Eubanks on “The Newlywed Game.” And, uh.. well.. anyway, it seems that, uh.. you never returned my calls —
[ the phone hangs up ]
Hello? Hello? Hell-o? Helloooo?? [ presses receiver ] Hello!
[ a disheveled Nancy Reagan – with dangling cigarette, hair in curlers, funky nightgown – enters and sits next to Ronald on the couch ]
Nancy Reagan: Oh, give it a rest, Dutch! Sid doesn’t care about you. In his book, you’re a washed-up old ham!
Ronald Reagan: Oh, but, Nancy, Sid’s not like that. He cares about people. He’s al ifelong Democrat, like me.
Nancy Reagan: [ snidely ] I think that says it all.
Ronald Reagan: Now, Mommy, the Democrat Party is the party of compassion. The party of the disadvantaged. The poor, the elderly!
Nancy Reagan: That about covers us. [ kills a shot ]
[ Ron Reagan, dressed as Marty McFly in life vest, enters from the front door on a skateboard ]
Ron Reagan: Hey, Mom! Hey, Dad! What’s for dinner?
Nancy Reagan: My specialty – cold pizza.
[ offscreen crash sound effect from Ron ]
Nancy Reagan: [ as soft music pots up ] Oh, Ronnie.. remember how trim I was the day we first met? It was exactly thirty years ago today. In fact, right on this spot.
[ Ron re-enters, sits next to Nancy on the couch ]
[ flashing Super: “Exposition (listen carefully)” ]
Nancy Reagan: Our house was built over the old RKO Studio, where we met on the set of “Hellcats of the Navy.” Your father – Ronald Reagan —
Ron Reagan: Mom. I know Dad’s name.
Nancy Reagan: Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I had so much exposition to establish, I.. I got lost. Well, anyway.. a sandbag fell on your father’s head. He looked so.. helpless, so pathetic.. so pitiful.. so wretched —
Ronald Reagan: Mommy, I think the boy gets the idea.
Nancy Reagan: Well, anyway, I fell for the big lug!
[ doorbell rings ]
Ronald Reagan: Well.. who could that be?
Ron Reagan: Oh, Mom, Dad. I invited Dr. Brown over for dessert.
[ Ron gets up to answer the door to Doc Brown, dressed in a crazy get-up and holding a weirdly-shaped blender ]
Doc: Ron! Ron! Well! I did it! I doscovered a way.. to travel through time! You see this blender! It’s actually.. a time machine!
Ronald Reagan: Whoops! Speaking of time, uh.. it’s ten o’clock, Mommy, uh.. let’s go upstairs and watch Jane on “Falcon Crest.”
Nancy Reagan: Ugh! do we have to? I just ate.
Ronald Reagan: Oh, Mommy.. Jane’s not so bad, and.. we do need the alimony.
[ Nancy and Ronald get up to go upstairs to watch “Falcon Crest”, greeting Dr. Brown as they exit the room ]
Nancy Reagan: Hell-oooooo!
Ronald Reagan: Hello, Dr. Brown.
Doc: Hello!
Ron Reagan: Now, uh.. Dr. Brown. Come on in, tell me about this invention.
Doc: Well! I got the idea about it.. ohhhhh.. about thirty years ago, when I was working on the old RKO lot! [ looking around the room ] In fact.. it was right around here! Yeah!
[ flashing Super: “More Exposition” ]
Doc: I was a Technical Advisor! On “Hellcats of the Navy”! When all of a sudden, a sandbag fell on.. some fading actor’s head! It was then, that I got the idea for my flux capicator!
Ron Reagan: Yeah, well.. how does it work?
Doc: Well! The first ting you have to do.. is plug it in! Just like.. that! [ plugs blender into the wall ] Then! you see this button here? That’s Mix! [ presses button, lights light up ] Then! [ pushes next sequence of buttons ] There’s Liquefy! Then, Blend! And Puree! Run! Blend again! Then, the final button, is Time Travel! But.. before I push it.. [ turns blender off ] I’m gonna set the clock back.. say.. thirty years! To exactly.. thirty years ago.. today!
[ SUPER: “That’s the day the sandbag fell on Ron’s dad and Dr. Brown thought of time travel.” ]
Ron Reagan: By the way, uh, Doc.. where did you get this blender?
Doc: Oh, I, uh.. I stole it from a 7-11, run by some very dangerous-looking Libyans!
[ doorbell rings ]
Doc: Oh! I’ll get it! Probably for me! [ opens the door to Libyans ] Hi! How are yo —
[ the Libyans open fire on Doc ]
Doc: Ron! press the button! Press the button!
[ Ron presses the button on the blender, and dissolves into thin air ]
[ dissolve to “Hellcats of the Navy” movie set, thirty years in the past ]
Director: Okay! Everybody! RKO is not.. made.. of.. money! Alright? In fact, after this movie they’re tearing down this studio to put up a lower-midle class housing develop!
[ Ron and the blender materialize from thin air ]
Ron Reagan: Whoa.. what year is this?
Director: Come on! Let’s get going! I want to get this movie in the can while it’s stil 1956! Okay?
Ron Reagan: 1956..?
Actor: [ walking past ] Hey, this is a closed set, buddy – you belong here? This is Stage 3 – “Hellcats of the Navy.”
Ron Reagan: “Hellcats of the Navy”..?
Director: [ aggravated ] Where.. is.. our.. leading man?! Ron! [ raises megaphone ] Ron Reagan!! Come on!
[ cut to Ronald Reagan, costumed for his role, sitting in an actor’s chair with his back to the camera. He turns to face the audience rather elegantly. ]
Ronald Reagan: Here I am!
Ron Reagan: Dad! Dad!
Ronald Reagan: Sorry. No autographs. Now, Richard.. where is that new leading lady you were telling me about?
Director: Oh, yeah. Nancy Davis. Alright, uh.. [ calling ] Nancy Davis to the set! Nancy!
[ Nancy, costumed as a big-bosumed nurse, enters the set ]
Nancy Davis: Here I am!
Ron Reagan: [ stunned ] Mom!
Director: Uh.. Nancy, Ron; Ron, Nancy. [ both are silent toward one another ] Okay, okay.. [ into the megaphone ] Places, everybody! [ looks upward ] Uh.. Bobby? Bobby! move that sandbag that’s hanging over Ron’s head, would you? Come on! [ steps away ]
[ Ron jumps into frame to push Ronald out of the way, as the sandbag crashes instead on Ron’s head. Nancy screams. ]
[ zoom in on Ron’s body, as screen wiggles briefly to flash forward a few minutes. Nancy’s legs appear behind Ron’s body, as she leans in to help him to his feet. ]
Nancy Davis: Hello there, handsome stranger!
Ron Reagan: Mom..?
Nancy Davis: Mom? Oh, that must be quite a bump on your head, Nicky.
Ron Reagan: Nicky?
Nancy Davis: That’s the name on your tennis shoe.
Ron Reagan: That’s.. th-th-that’s Nike.
Nancy Davis: Oh. Sorry, Nike. It’s still a very sensuous name – how about a kiss?
Ron Reagan: No! Mom! Uh.. Nancy. Nancy. But.. but you know who is a real, sensuous guy? Ronald Reagan.
Nancy Davis: Ugh. Ronald Reagan?
Ron Reagan: I think he wants to go out with you.
Nancy Davis: Not only is he not attractive in the way you are, because he wasn’t hit in the head with that sandbag – but, besides that, he’s a wimping, bleeding heart, liberal Democrat. The only men who make my Maidenform warm are arch-conservative, right-wing jingoists!
Ron Reagan: [ gasping ] Excuse me, Nancy. I’ve.. got to meet some of my intellectual New York friends, for a Ban The Bomb rally.
Nancy Davis: Oh.. that’s okay! You’re still attractive to me, because you were hit in the head with that sandbag!
[ Ron runs across the set, bumping into a younger, pre-occupied Dr. Bown ]
Ron Reagan: Doc!
Doc: How’d you know my name?!
Ron Reagan: Doc, I’m from the future! 1986! [ Doc appears skeptical ] I can prove it! When I got hit on the head with that sandbag, you had the inspiration for a time travel machine.
Doc: That’s right! In fact, I just drew a picture of it! But, wait a minute! If you’re from the future, who’s the president in 1986?!
Ron Reagan: A woman named Geraldine Ferraro.
Doc: What?!
Ron Reagan: But.. she’s being impeached because her.. husband stole from the.. White House petty cash.
[ flashing SUPER: “Cheap Joke” ]
Doc: It’s very important that you don’t interact with anybody! You could alter the future, and the results could be disastrous!
Ron Reagan: I-it’s too late, it’s too late. My mom already has the hots for me. You see, the bag was supposed to fall on my dad’s head.. but it didn’t.. and-and.. my mom’s only attracted to right-wing, uh —
Doc: That’s alright, I don’t care! You’d just better go and fix it, or you’ll never be born! Go on! Hurry!
Ron Reagan: [ walking off ] You’re asking me to change his politics —
Doc: Go!!
[ Ron approaches Ronald, who’s sitting in his actor’s chair ]Uh.. Ron.. uh..?
Ronald Reagan: Sorry. No autographs.
Ron Reagan: No, no, no.. I want to talk politics.
Ronald Reagan: Politics? Okay. I believe a government should be judged by how well it treats the most needy among us. I believe this requires an ever-increasing role by the federal government, including massive federal programs, and the beaurocracy needed to administer them. I guess, if you had to peg my politics, you’d have to say, well, that I was a far-left liberal Democrat.
Ron Reagan: But, Ron.. as the public sector becomes larger and larger, there’ll be less and less wealth to distribute.
Ronald Reagan: Hmm.. [ thinking ] Yes.. yes, I see what you mean.
Ron Reagan: The way to maximimze wealth is to set loose the creative energies of men and women free from the constraints of government intervention. The wealth will then trickle down, to the poor.
Ronald Reagan: Oh. That makes a lot of sense.
Ron Reagan: Did you know.. that every tax cut in the history of government has brought with it an actual increase in revenues?
Ronald Reagan: Really? Well, that does it! I guess I’ve been fooling myself all along! Put ‘er there, fellow Republican! [ shakes hands with Ron ]
Ron Reagan: Terrific! Terrific! By the way, Ron, uh.. thjat cute Nancy chick kind of likes you.
Ronald Reagan: Oh, really?
Ron Reagan: Yeah. Why don’t you go check her out?
Ronald Reagan: Really? Okay.
[ Rambles ambles toward Nancy Davis ]
Ronald Reagan: Uh, Miss Davis?
Nancy Davis: Nike, is that — [ turns around, disappointed ] Yes?
Ronald Reagan: Well. Miss Davis, I just thought that.. well.. since we’re going to be playing opposute each other, you might want to hear my political views.
Nancy Davis: Don’t waste your breath, buster – I know where you stand.
Ronald Reagan: [ affirmatively ] No, you don’t! Did you know that, for every tax cut in the history of government, that has brought along with it increased revenues?
Nancy Davis: Oh.. I’d love to hear more! How about my trailer?
Ronald Reagan: Fine.
Nancy Davis: [ drags Ronald off-screen by his tie, passing Ron and Doc ] Come on, big guy!
Ron Reagan: Doc? Doc, I did it! I did it!
Doc: Oh, good!
Ron Reagan: I’ve gotta get back home..
Doc: You still have the time machine! Press the button!
[ Ron presses the button, but nothing happens ]
Ron Reagan: Now, what do I do?
Doc: What?! Oh! You gotta plug it in, stupid! Here! I’ll do it! 1.. 2.. there! [ plugs up the blender ]
Ron Reagan: Oh.. Doc, about the future. I’ve got to tell you something —
Doc: Oh, no no! No matter how good your intentions are, don’t tell me! The results could be disastrous!
Ron Reagan: Okay. Bye. But.. you die a horrible death.
[ Ron dissolves into thin air ]
Doc: What?! How?! Poison?! Shot by a jealous husband?!
[ dissolve back to present-day, Ron sprawled across the couch from his present-day living room ]
Ron Reagan: Holy smokes! [ looks around ] Mom? Dad? Where is everybody?
[ a welfare mother and her numerous children come down the stairs to investigate the noise from Ron ]
Welfare Mom: What are you doing in my house? Who are you?!
Ron Reagan: I’m.. I’m Ron Reagan..
Welfare Mom: The President’s son?
Ron Reagan: [ confused ] The President’s son?
Welfare Mom: Yeahhhh. I recognize you from People magazine. Yeah, you’re Ronald Reagan’s son!
Ron Reagan: Yeah. Yeah, I am!
[ a beat ]
Welfare Mom: Get the hell out of my house! Your daddy cut off my food stamps! Get him, kids!
[ the welfare mom and her kids chase Ron out of the house, beating him with pillows as he makes his escape into the night ]
[ “The Power of Love” pots up again as we fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Dudley Moore: 01/25/86: Miss Pregnant Teenage America Pageant
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 8
Miss Pregnant Teenage America Pageant
Roman Polanski…..Dudley Moore
Joan Collins…..Terry Sweeney
Cabrini Green Jackson…..Danitra Vance
Tammy Whitborough…..Joan Cusack
Terry Guthrie…..Robert Downey Jr.
Donna Marie Kelsey…..Nora Dunn
[ Still shot of city at night, over the theme music. SUPER: “Detroit, Michigan” ]
Don Pardo V/O: Live, from the Louise Mandrell Pavilion in Detroit, 51 of America’s most beautiful pregnant teenagers vie for the title of … [ the program’s logo appears ] Miss Pregnant Teenage America! And here’s your host, Roman Polanski!
[ Fade to Roman on center stage in front of a curtain ]
Roman Polanski: [ Germanic accent ] Velcome. You can literally feel ze excitement here at de Mandrell Pavilion. You know, every girl here is a vinner in her own right. [ chuckles ] And it’s gonna be an almost impossible task choosing this year’s Miss Pregnant Teenage America. We started vit fifty-vun girls early this veek, but uh, yesterday, Miss Tennesee, Rhonda Lynn Walker, went into labor and gave birth to a healthy little girl, Crystal Alexis Carrington Walker. Now … vonderful, isn’t it? Now let’s meet our semi-finalists.
[ The curtain opens and the semi-finalists step out, holding bouquets and doing a choreographed dance, as the orchestra plays “Let’s Hear It For the Boy” ]
Pregnant teenagers: [ singing ]
Let’s hear it for the boy! [ They toss the bouquets into the audience ]
Let’s give the boy a haa-aaa-aand!
Let’s hear it for my baby,
‘Cause he’s my lovin’ maaa-aaa-aaan.
Wo, maybe he’s no Romeo,
But he’s my lovin’ one-man show.
Wo-oh-oh-oh, let’s hear it for the boy!
[ Roman watches with amusement as they continue their choreographed dance ]
Pregnant teenagers: [ singing ]
Wo, maybe he’s no Romeo,
But he’s my lovin’ one-man show.
Wo-oh-oh-oh, let’s hear it for the boy!
Let’s hear it for the boy!
Let’s hear it for the boy!
[ Applause. As the song finishes, they all gather around Roman for a seductive pose. ]
Roman Polanski: Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you! Thank you! Let’s hear it for the girls. Excuse me, my darling — [ steps past one of the finalists ] heh, in a moment, heh, we’ll meet our finalists, but first, with us here tonight, is our own, Joan Collins! Joan!
[ Applause. Joan Collins walks over to Roman ]
Joan Collins: Thank you, Roman. [ attempts to read the cue cards ] You know, this year’s crop of 51 pageant girl teens is probably the most diverse ever in the history of the pageant. Um — oh god, these cards — um, representing every race, religion, and creed, eh, with the exception of Jews.
Roman Polanski: Well, thank you, thank you very much. And um, now, let’s meet our two finalists, chosen by our judges from competitions earlier in the week, as they promenade in the evening gown competition. Miss Illinois.
[ Miss Illinois, Cabrini Green Jackson, attempts to show off her pink gown while in heels, and walks up to a microphone stand. The microphone malfunctions as she begins to speak. ]
Cabrini Green Jackson: My name is Cabrini Green Jackson, and I’m 17 years old, and I plan to use this pageant as a stepping stone toward being a model, a spokesmodel, for Planned Parenthood. That way I can educate young mens and young womens to the fact that their bodies are temples, not to be wore out.
[ Applause ]
Roman Polanski: Very touching. And now, Miss South Carolina.
[ Miss South Carolina displays her black gown with white frills, then walks over to the microphone. ]
Tammy Whitborough: Hi. Mah name is Tammy Whitborough, and ah’m 15 years old. And my goal is to identifah, locate, and evintually marry the father of my unborn chaaald.
[ Applause ]
Roman Polanski: Thank you, Miss South Carolina. I’m now here with a remarkable young man, Terry Guthrie, who is responsible for impregnating not one, not two, but three of this years contestants: Miss Colorado, Miss Arizona and Miss Nevada. Now Terry, how did you do it?
Terry Guthrie: Uh, it was last summer, I worked as a tour guide at the Grand Canyon National Park, and uh, you know, we get a lot of high school groups coming through, and uh, you know, I got a pretty nice car, so. [ shrugs ]
Roman Polanski: Yes. Now, I um, I understand, I understand, Terry, that you’ve just signed up for a four-year hitch in the army.
Terry Guthrie: Yes, that is correct, sir.
Roman Polanski: And do you, do you have any advice for the young teenage men of America?
Terry Guthrie: Well, just this: [ looks at the camera ] don’t let ’em kid you, guys, all right? Contraception is the girl’s responsibility, not the guy’s!
[ Applause ]
Roman Polanski: Thank you. Thank you, Terry. Very nice indeed. Now, now in her part of ze talent competition, Miss Pregnant Teen Illinois shows us how important it is to give your baby every break. Whether it is the break of pre-natal checkups, the break of proper nutrition, or just plain break-DANCING!
[ Cabrini re-emerges in a gold gown and spandex, doing a break-dance routine to Eddie Murphy’s “Party All the Time” ]
Roman Polanski: Thank you, Cabrini. Now, Miss Pregnant Teen South Carolina will deliver an original dramatic reading to her unborn child.
[ Tammy comes back on stage ]
Tammy Whitborough: “O little friend, down inside of me, … how did you get they-er? Who put you they-er? Why are you they-er, and how will you ever get out? These are questions unanswerable. Perhaps someday, when you will be a scientist or a doctor, you can answer these riddles of the universe. Where do babies come from?”
[ Applause. She walks offstage. ]
Roman Polanski: Thank you, Tammy. We’ll be right back after dis.
[ Cut to the logo in front of the blue curtain, followed by sponsor logos ]
Don Pardo V/O: The Miss Pregnant Teenage America pageant is brought to you by, Care Bears Chewable Birth Control Pills. Hello Care Bears, goodbye worry. And by Century 21 Adoption Agency. We do everything legally possible to make sure your child never learns your identity. Back to you, Roman.
Roman Polanski: [ Dudley flubs his line ] Thank you, Sem — thank you, wherever you are. I don’t know anymore. Vhile our judges tabulate the results, it’s time for us to say goodbye to the reigning Miss Pregnant Teenage America, Donna Marie Kelsey, as she takes her traditional farewell stroll.
[ As she does so, a pre-recorded tape of her voice is played over the orchestra. ]
Donna Marie Kelsey V/O: Oh, what a year it has been. First, winning the crown, then giving birth to my son, Blake Kerrington Kelsey. And of course, the travel, lugging little Blake and all his baby accessories from city to city, as we toured this great country. Now the time has come for my farewell stroll. Well, seeing as how I am pregnant again, I feel that I should not have to relinquish my crown.
[ Applause ]
Roman Polanski: Donna Marie, we’re going to miss you. Well now — some exciting news, I have za envelope wis za results. [ Walks over to Cabrini and Tammy ] One of these two girls will be the new Miss Pregnant Teenage America. Now, ze runner-up is important, because should da winner do anything to bring disgrace upon this pageant —
[ Dudley looks around and waits impatiently for the next cue card ] — though I, I-I can’t imagine what she’d have to do for that to happen — hi. Then, ze runner-up will assume her responsibilities. Now, ze big moment is here.
[ Drumroll ]
Roman Polanski: The runner up, and winner of a rare first-edition copy of Dr. Ruth Westheimer’s new book, First Love, is … Tammy Whitborough, Miss South Carolina!
[ Tammy reacts in shock. She and Cabrini hug each other. ]
Roman Polanski: And the winner, and new Miss Pregnant Teenage America, Cabrini Green Hollenbrook Jackson! Congratulations.
[ Cabrini hugs Donna, receives a bouquet and tiara from Joan Collins, then circles the stage as Roman sings. ]
Roman Polanski: [ singing ]
There she goes,
Miss Pregnant Teen America,
With that glow,
That says she’s not alone.
Though you’re in a jam any way,
We all just vant to say,
Ve adooooooore you,
Miss Pregnant Teen Americaaaaaaaaaa!
[ All the other contestants gather around Cabrini and give hugs ]
Roman Polanski: Good night, everybody! Good night!
Don Pardo V/O: [ reading the screen ] Miss Pregnant Teenage America is in no way affiliated with the Miss Knocked-Up U.S.A. Pageant.
[ Roman and the contestants wave goodbye as the logo appears again. Fade to black. ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez
SNL Transcripts: John Lithgow: 12/07/85: Dad’s Cliches
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 4
85d: John Lithgow / Mr. Mister
Dad’s Cliches
Dad…..John Lithgow
Daughter…..Joan Cusack
[ SETTING: Dad’s workshop ]
Daughter: Hi, Dad. Whatcha doing?
Dad: Oh, just sharpening up this old saw, honey.
Daughter: Dad, do have a minute to talk?
Dad: Honey, I always have time for my little girls. All five of you. What’s on your mind?
Daughter: Well.. it’s about Jeff and me..
Dad: Uh-oh. The honeymoon’s over.
Daughter: Yeah, I’m afraid so.
Dad: So you had a little spat, huh? A little tiff? Scrap? Squabble?
Daughter: Worse, Dad..
Dad: A tussle? A brawl? A knock-down, drag-out?
Daughter: Dad, stop it.
Dad: Right! Cut the bull! Can it! Knock it off!
Daughter: Dad, this is serious. Jeff and I are getting a divorce.
Dad: [ shocked ] Oh. a parting of the ways.
Daughter: I just don’t know what to do. It’s like my life’s turned upside-down.
Dad: Boy, that’s too bad, sweetie. But you did have five good years with Jeff.
Daughter: No, Dad. Jeff and I have been married for six months.Tina‘s been married five years.
Dad: [ laughs ] Oh, right! Boy, I come down into this basement,sometimes, and my mind just zips off to Looney Land! So, whathappened, sweetie?
Daughter: Well..
Dad: Was he drinking? Did he like to hoist a few? Bend an elbow? Tie one on?
Daughter: No, Dad.
Dad: Oh.. then he was slipping out on you, huh? Getting a little on the side? Burning a candle on both ends?
Daughter: No, Jeff was completely faithful, as far as I know.
Dad: [ puzzled ] Hmm.. sounds like a straight arrow, rock solid, salt of the earth kind of a guy.
Daughter: Yeah. I don’t know.. I guess it’s me, really. I have so many feelings pent up inside, and I don’t have anyone to talk to about them.
Dad: That’s what fathers are for, honey. When you’re at the end of your rope.. your back up against the wall.. barely able to keep your head up above water.. going down for the third time..
Daughter: [ frustrated ] Dad! Dad, I’m really upset about this! I.. I can’t sleep anymore!
Dad: Boy! There’s nothing like, you know, hitting the old hay. Sawing some logs.
Daughter: I know.. so I.. I started taking sleeping pills, and..well.. I think I’m addicted..
Dad: Hoo, boy! Honey, that’s a one-way street.. a long road ahead, no turning. That’s a monkey on your back.
Daughter: I know.. and so, Jeff and I haven’t been.. you know.. doing.. [ Dad mimes a thrust ] Yeah! And.. well.. I don’t know.. I don’t think he loves me anymore!
Dad: [ holding his daughter in his arms ] Now, listen to me, honey.. because I’m going to tell you something very, very important – Time sneaks up on you, honey, like a windshield sneaks up on a bug. Night is one long search for tomorrow. You only have one life to live, you’ve got to live it one day at a time. Does that make any sense to you?
Daughter: [ shakes her head ] No. No! It’s like you haven’t heard a word I’ve said!
Dad: [ laughs ] In one ear, out the other, huh? Liketalking into a brick wall! Spitting into the wind!
Daughter: [ upset ] Dad, will you stop it, please! I mean, youhaven’t said real thing to me tonight! Or my whole life, for that matter!
Dad: Well, maybe not, honey, but that’s water over the dam now.. what’s past is past.. that’s yesterday’s news.. four-day-old fish.. twice-cooked pork..
Daughter: [ furious ] Is that what my pain is to you?! One bigcliche?! Don’t you understand what I’m going through here?! I can’t sustain a meaningful relationship! I can’t hold down a full-time job! I am paralyzed with anxiety and fear most of the time! No one understands what I’m going through! It’s like my life is a whirlpool of despair!
Dad: Uh-oh! Somebody’s being a little sad sack! That’s not the little girl that I know. Come on, I know that there’s a smile in there somewhere.. [ points at her feet ] Oh! I think it’s down in your feet.. oh! Here it comes! [ tickles her tummy ] It’s coming up your leg, over your tummy, up your neck.. oh oh oh! [ tickles her face as she smile ] There it is! I knew it was in there!
Daughter: Oh, Dad, you’re really hopeless. But I love you.
Dad: I love you, too, Tina.
Daughter: Debbie.
Dad: That’s it!
[ they hug to fade ]
SNL Transcripts: John Lithgow: 12/07/85: Goodnights
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 4
85d: John Lithgow / Mr. Mister
Goodnights
…..John Lithgow
John Lithgow: Well, good night everybody. Thanks for being here. Thanks for watching
Submitted by: Kyleman88
SNL Transcripts: John Lithgow: 12/07/85: John Lithgow’s Monologue
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 4
85d: John Lithgow / Mr. Mister
John Lithgow’s Monologue
…..John Lithgow
John Lithgow: Thank you, thank you, thanks so much! Thank you, I am John Lithgow, I want to welcome you all and thank you for helping us out. I’m really delighted ot be here. I got here a few nights ago, got straight off the plane from Los Angeles, went straight into a story conference, and ever sicne then I’ve been caught up in the most craziest, most frantic whirlwind of jokes and gags. These guys are out of their minds, I’m telling you. THey didn’t even give me a chance to get over my jet lag.. but they have been very wonderful in helping me just loosen up, relax, and have a good time in preapring for the show.
First of all, I just want to tell you – please, don’t be disappointed that you’re just our dress rehearsal audience. In fact, you’re doing us a tremendous favor here. You know, you’re just being our crowd, while we work out all the last-minute bugs, and.. who knows, you might be lucky – they tell me, half the time, the dress rehearsal goes ten times better than the real show. I know I’m a lot looser now than I’m gonna be three hours from now, I’ll tell you that. I don’t know, it’s something about live television, knowing that millions and millions of people are watching every little move you make! I mean, to me, this is absolutely terrifying!
I think it kind of takes me back to when I was a little boy.. the first stage play I ever acted in. I was one of the little kids in “The King And I”, and when it came time for my first line, I was so paralyzed with nerves and fear, all I could think of to do was launch into “Getting To Know You” at the top of my lungs. hopefully, that’s not going to happen later on this evening! Anyway, just remember all of you, this is a dress rehearsal. A lot of things are bound to go wrong.. but don’t be too hard on us..
Director’s Voice: John? John?
John Lithgow: Yeah?
Director’s Voice: You’re on the air, John.
John Lithgow: Sorry?
Director’s Voice: You are on the air, John
John Lithgow: [ starts laughing ] What did I tell you about these clowns! This is Dave Wilson, he’s our director. All through the rehearsal, he’s going to be..
Director’s Voice: John, we’re live! You are on the air!
John Lithgow: [ looks at his watch ] Davey, it’s 8:37. I do have a wristwatch, you know?
Director’s Voice: That’s L.A. time!
John Lithgow: [ confused ] What?
Director’s Voice: It’s 8:35 in L.A. It’s 11:35 in New York! You never reset your watch!
John Lithgow: [ glances at his watch again, panics, getting nervous ] Get Lorne Michaels out here, please.. [ slowly starts to sing “Getting To Know You”, then engages the audience to sing along joyously ] Thank you all very much, you’ve been a great audience!
SNL Transcripts: John Lithgow: 12/07/85: Master Thespian
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 4
85d: John Lithgow / Mr. Mister
Master Thespian
Master Thespian…..Jon Lovitz
Baudelaire…..John Lithgow
Announcer: The early part of the 20th Century produced some of the greatest actors ever to grace the stage – Barrymore, Gelgud, Richardson, Olivier. But.. there was one actor who surpassed them all in both brilliance and volume. Born Jonathon Yankonvichi, he was known to all simply by the name that described him best: Master Thespian.
[ pan across to Master Thespian writing in his diary ]
Master Thespian: “Dear Diary: I am awaiting the arrival of my mentor and acting teacher, the great Baudelaire. Today’s lesson is costumes. Knowing Baudelaire, he will come over and try to fool me in some silly disguise. But today, it will be I who fool him. I hope. Until tomorrow, Master Thespian.” [ a knock is heard at the door ] Yes?
Voice at Door: [ mimicks trumpet fanfare ] Make way for His Royal Highness, King George V!
Master Thespian: One moment! [ jumps up ] Thank God! The King to see me! [ before the door ] Enter all!
Baudelaire: [ enters, disguised as King ] Thank you! I am looking for the greatest actor of all time! The theatrical community of all London told me I might be able to find him.. here!
Master Thespian: Yes, your Majesty! The man you speak of stands before you!
Baudelaire: Ah-ha! Then you must be the great.. Baudelaire!
Master Thespian: [ insulted ] Don’t be silly! I’m Master Thespian. Baudelaire is merely a teacher.
Baudelaire: Merely a teacher?
Master Thespian: Yes! And barely one at that.
Baudelaire: Oh, really? Why don’t you try saying that.. [ removes crown ] ..to his face!
Master Thespian: [ fooled ] Oh! Baudelaire! You fooled me!
Baudelaire: Acting!
Master Thespian: Oh, please, forgive me..
Baudelaire: No!
Master Thespian: But I have questions..
Baudelaire: No!
Master Thespian: Oh, please.. I beg you.. [ kneels ] ..on bended knee, from the very depths of my heart.
Baudelaire: Oh, get up. I have already forgiven you, I was merely.. acting!
Master Thespian: [ fuming ] Again?! You fooled me again!
Baudelaire: Thank you! Now, then.. what is the Question du Jour?
Master Thespian: Oh, Baudelaire.. I’ve been offered to play the most difficult part of my entire career. I am to play a man trapped in the body of a woman, playing the part of a five-year-old dog who thinks he’s a cat! My question is: what should I do?
Baudelaire: [ thinking tentatively ] Costume!
Master Thespian: Genius!
Baudelaire: Thank you! Now, then.. have you prepared the fencing scene from Hamlet?
Master Thespian: Yes! [ grabs fencing foils ] Here is your foil.
Baudelaire: Thank you! Very well. You shall play the part of Hamlet! And I shall play the great.. Baudelaire! By the way, you were brilliant in last week’s “Ice Man” as Hickey.
Master Thespian: Oh, thank you. And, may I add, you were equally brilliant as Baudelaire!
Baudelaire: Thank you! Now!
[ they begin to fence furiously. Baudelaire staggers backwards as Master Thespian swings his foil near him ]
Baudelaire: [ covering his chest with his hand ] Oh, Master.. M-master, you’ve cut me.. look how the blood gushes from my very veins!
Master Thespian: Oh, please forgive me, it was an accident..
Baudelaire: Don’t be silly! [ opens his jacket to reveal no cut ] Acting!
Master Thespian: Oh, you fooled me!
Baudelaire: Of course I fooled you! I am the greatest actor of all time! I am.. Baudelaire!
Master Thespian: [ thrusts foil ] On guard!
[ they begin fencing again. Suddunly, Master Thespian drops his foil and falls gracefully into Baudelaire’s arms ]
Baudelaire: Master? Are you hurt?
Master Thespian: Oh, Baudleaire, I’m afraid we’ve played this acting thing too far. You’ve made worm’s meat of me! Adieu.. adieu.. remember me. Look! [ points ] The face of death is near! And so.. I flail! [ his legs kick before his body falls limp ]
Baudelaire: Master! [ cries ] I have killed my protege! How.. how.. how.. how will you ever forgive me..?
Master Thespian: [ stands ] Very good! I was merely acting!
Baudelaire: So was I! I’ve fooled you again!
Master Thespian: No! It is I who fooled you! For I am dead.. and merely acting alive!
Baudelaire: Genius!
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 12/14/85
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
December 14th, 1985
Tom Hanks
Sade
Steven Wright
(Repeat) See: 11/16/85.
Recurring Characters: Paul, Keith, Bob.
Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.
Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.
SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 12/14/85: Steve’s Fantasy
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 5
Steve’s Fantasy
Steve…..Tom Hanks
Molly…..Joan Cusack
Kathy…..Nora Dunn
Waiter…..Terry Sweeney
FADE IN:
INT. RESTAURANT NIGHT
[ STEVE & MOLLY have their arms locked, sipping from each others wine glass. After sipping, they smile at one another. KATHY THE WAITRESS brings two entrees in her hand. ]
Kathy: Steve, your steak aupoi.
[ Kathy places Steves plate before him. ]
Steve: Oh, thank you.
Kathy: And Molly, your duck ala ronge.
[ Kathy places Mollys plate before her. ]
Molly: Oh, thank you, Kathy, so much.
Steve: Yes, yes, it looks delicious!
Kathy: Well happy anniversary!
Steve: Aww! Thank you.
Molly: Thats very nice.
[ Kathy moves to another table. Molly caresses Steves left shoulder. Steves looking at the back of Kathys thighs. ]
Molly: Oh I can tell shes your type.
[ Steve guffaws for a beat or two. ]
Steve: Oh, honey, you knew I always was a leg man. Just something about the back of a womans leg, just below the knee that makes me —
[ Steve convulses in excitement. ]
Molly: I know. Well, well youve always been quirky that way.
Steve: Well, well, you should just know about very quirk there is to know about me.
Molly: And how
[ Steve cocks his head high. ]
Steve: Um, excuse me!?
[ A WAITER ENTERS. ]
Steve: Could I have a steak knife please?
[ The waiter nods. ]
Waiter: Yes, sir! Right away!
Molly: You know Steve whats wonderful about us is after eight years, besides being in love, were really best friends.
Steve: Yeah and that is so rare. I think its because we know each other so well.
Molly: Exactly. I dont think theres anything in your inner most thoughts that could surprise or shock me because we know each other so well.
[ Steve drinking wine and holds his breath for a few moments. ]
Steve: Well heres something. I, I, I dont know why Im bringing it up. Oh, its silly. No, I really shouldnt.
Molly: No, no, no. Cmon, what is it?
[ Steve & Molly both sip wine. ]
Steve: Why not!? I sometimes have this fantasy that you die.
Molly: Really?
[ Steve sips some more wine. ]
Steve: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Molly: Gosh that, thats kind of quirky. How, uh, how exactly do I die?
Steve: Well I dont know. Sometimes I think I think it would be sadder if you suffered a long, lingering death. Then other times, you go like that!
[ Steve snaps his fingers. ]
Steve: Youre walking by a construction site and big crane falls on you or something. Everyone would come to the funeral. See me with little Jason & Jennifer and think, Poor Steve.
Molly: Oh, honey.
Steve: How your sister comes down from Vermont to look after the kids? But I dont think thats right for her. Deidres always had a life of her own and never liked the city anyway. The only solution though is one of those 18-19 year-old au pair girls from Sweden. Yeah one of those girls who would jump at any opportunity to spend a year or two in America. She comes over, takes care of the kids, and my career progresses along smoothly.
[ Steve sips some wine. ]
Molly: Does she cook!?
Steve: Oh, sure! Great cook!
Molly: What does she cook?
Steve: Spetzel. Its a special noodle, kind of dumpling thing. Oh, the kids love it! You should see them —
[ Steve bangs his utensils on the table. ]
Steve: More spetzel! More spetzel! Then there, of course, would be the inevitable attraction between me and Uli. We fight it for as long as we can, of course. But then, one night, Jason has the croup. And Ulis sitting up with him and I come and set up the steam tent, and then Jason falls asleep. I dont know Its just becomes silly ignoring these feelings. We make love and it changes everything.
The kids notice it, everything becomes awkward, and it would just be better if Uli left. Through my connections at the office, I get her started on a very, lucrative modeling career then I meet all her modeling friends. They come over to the house and they see little Jason & Jennifer. And they see you picture up on the mantle and they think, Poor Steve.
[ Steve gets lost in thought and then gulps a large taste of wine. Molly stares vacantly at him. ]
Molly: You know, Steve Youve clearly done a lot of thinking about this.
Steve: No Oh, cmon! You know Im too busy to sit around and think whatd be like if you died. Well maybe on the train on the way to work in the morning and on the way home at night. And maybe, when someone puts me on hold at the office, but its not like I suit around going, Okay, now Im going to imagine whatd be like if Molly was dead. Cmon! You know I want you to live out your natural life. Cmon, Im surprised youre taking it like this — I thought we were friends.
Molly: I think Im reacting perfectly normally.
Steve: Honey, you are so sensitive. Okay, here, tell me, something anything. Dont you sometimes think of another man when were making love?
Molly: No.
Steve: Oh, come on, Mol - everybody does it!
Molly: I dont.
Steve: Really!?!?
Molly: Im perfectly happy sleeping with you.
Steve: Huh
Molly: Why? Do you sometimes fantasize about other women when were in bed?
Steve: Sometimes
Molly: Who?
Steve: I dont know Deidre.
Molly: My sister!?!?
Steve: Well, she looks like you!
Molly: Oh, honey!! I cant believe this!
[ Molly gets up from the table and Steve grabs her hand to prevent her from leaving. The waiter returns wielding a steak knife in his hand. ]
Waiter: Heres you steak knife, sir.
[ Molly runs right into the knife. Steve gets up from his seat as Molly falls to the ground. ]
Waiter: Ive stabbed her!
[ Steve holds Mollys body in his hands on the floor. ]
Waiter: Shes dead! Im sorry — its my first night.
[ The waiter wails. ]
Kathy: What happened?
Steve: This is terrible. I feel responsible. If only I hadnt
[ Steve and Kathys eyes lock. ]
Kathy: Poor Steve
[ Steve turns his head away and is frozen in the moment. He jaw drops as he ponders the future. The CAMERA ZOOMS OUT to show other patrons eating; others view Mollys body. The waiters still wailing as a WIDE SHOT of STUDIO 8H shows a camera crane rising higher and other camera operators still filming. ]
END
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Tom Hank’s Monologue
Tom Hank’s Monologue
…..Tom Hanks
Don Pardo: Ladies and Gentlemen, Tom Hanks!
[Tom walks out, causing much audience applause]
Tom Hanks: Thanks so much for coming to the show. This, this really is a dream come true for me, because, like, like many of you, I was a child of the 70’s, and watching the show was just a ritualistic part of life. I was back in college you know, and every Saturday night I’d watch the show and I’d sit there and think, “Someday. Someday, I’m gonna watch this show on my own TV”. And, uh, about six years later that dream came true. Then, the next dream was to be here, be part of the studio audience, be part of the show. But, I didn’t live in New York, and I couldn’t afford to fly up. There was also a problem – they said I killed a guy, they wouldn’t allow me to stay. It was a little mix-up, got all taken care of.
Well, now I’m hosting the show, and I gotta admit, it’s, um, a little disappointing, mainly because I’d really like to be able to watch myself doing the show live. Now, I’ve got a VCR at home, I got myself on plenty of video tapes, many of them standing up, most of them with my clothes on, uh, but it’s just, uh, it’s just not the same —
[Notices a monitor offstage and walks over to it, and begins watching himself doing the show live]
Yeah, that’s great! Yeah, hey, yeah, I’m uh Tom Hanks, maybe you saw me in “Splash”?
[Moves so that the camera can get the monitor to show him watching the camera watching the camera, watching the camera, so that shots of the scene are on each monitor on the monitor’s screen]
This really isn’t makin’ it, does anyone have a mirror, like a makeup mirror?
[Goes to a woman in the audience and takes her purse, and gets a small mirror out of it]
Ah, I’ve seen all that stuff before, thank you, I’ll give this right back
[Heads back to the monitor, and stands next to it while watching himself in the mirror]
Oh yeah, that’s me!
[Singing]
“It’s an invitation, across the nation!”
Yeah, this really is a dream come true!
[Singing again]
“A chance for foes to meet!”
We got Sade, Steven Wright, thanks for comin’, we’ll be right back!
[Continues singing as the camera pans out].
Thanks to Larry Petit for this transcript!