[ BOB, in blazer, tie & jeans, views the stage floor from a door. ]
Paul (V/O): So, hows he doing?
Bob: Good.
[ Bob walks away from the door and to the coffee pot. He pours himself a cup. PAUL, dressed the same as Bob but in different colors, circles around Bob then stops. ]
Paul: So anyway, the guy comes up with the French fries and I think, Hey! Why are they called French fries!? I mean, what makes them French!?
Bob: I mean theyre not made in France!
Paul: No way!! And hey, French Toast!? Same deal!
Bob: I mean I make it in my kitchen!
Paul: Me, too!!
Bob: Hey! Why dont we just call it kitchen toast!?
Paul: Yeah!! What I want to know is — whats the big deal with French bread!?
Bob: Hey, what do you mean!?
Paul: Hey! Its the same deal as Italian bread! But what does that mean!? Does that mean the French bread is the same as Italian bread!!?? I want to know!!
[ KEITH, dressed like the other two comedians, strolls on in. ]
Bob: Hey! Its Keith!
Paul: Keith!
Keith: Hey! Hows everybody doing tonight!?
Bob: Okay!
Paul: Thats right!
Keith: Its great to be here!
Bob: Hey!
Paul: Hey! Great! So excuse me, everybody? Hey! Im going to have a cup of Java! Keith!?
Keith: Hey Paul! No, thanks!
Bob: So, Keith! Babe! Whats new!?
Keith: I just flew in from the coast! And I was thinking, hey, I left L.A. at 12 oclock! The flight takes five hours! But when I land, its 8PM! I mean, hey, Where did those 3 hours go! I dont know about you, but I gotta wonder!
Paul: Hey!
Keith: Paul!?
[ Pauls holding a quart of milk. ]
Paul: I hate to interrupt, but look at this 99% fat-free milk! Wheres the other one percent!? I mean, hey back to your story!
[ Paul goes away. ]
Keith: So, what Im wondering is if I lost three hours, why did I go!!
Bob: Hey! Maybe you should just fly back!?
Keith: What if I cant fly West!? I mean, hey, what if I flew West for the next six months!? By the time I landed, Id be a little kid!
[ Paul carries a coffee mug in his hand. ]
Paul: Hey! Did you hear about Bill? Hes in the hospital.
Bob: Hey! Bill from The Laugh Shack!?
Paul: Yeah! It seems hes got something wrong with his kidney!
Bob: Oh, hey! Thats too bad!
Keith: Yeah! Thats a real shame!
Bob: Yeah! He was looking a little sick! I was wondering, Whats the matter!?
[ Pauls silent for a moment. ]
Paul: Hey! Whats the matter with those guys on “Miami Vice”!? Those guys never wear any socks! I mean, guys, Whats the big deal!? You imagine what those top-siders smell like!? Think about it!? Thats bare skin on leather!
Bob: Hey! You know what I hate!? Losing socks in the laundry!
Keith: Hey! How bout laundry lint!? I mean, I never see that lint on my clothes! I mean, hey, Where does it come from!?
Bob: Hey! Maybe its just a shredded up sock!? I mean, hey, ever notice the lints the same color as the missing sock!?
Paul: And then the other socks get lonely! Hey! Maybe thats why they cling on you!?
Bob: Hey! And what about that “Star Trek”!?
[ Paul opens the stage door to fainting applause. ]
Paul: Hey! Bob, it looks like youre up! And hey, hot crowd!
Bob: Hey! I feel real pumped!
Keith: Hey! Break a leg!
Paul: Hey! Sprain a kneecap!
Bob: Thanks! And hey, I hope you dont mind!? Im going to use that French Toast bit!
Paul: Hey!
[ Bob points to Paul and exits. ]
Bob: Hey!
Paul: Hey! Wait a minute! Thats my bit!
Keith: Hey! Thats his closing bit!
Paul: Hey! I was going to use that on Carson in three weeks!
Keith: Hey!
Paul: Hey! I got to call my manager!
[ Paul picks up the payphone receiver and starts bickering without putting any coins into the top. Keith sticks his arms out and shouts from the stage door. ]
Teri Garr: [still wearing her fur-trimmed redbikini top from the previous sketch] Ladies andgentlemen, Penn and Teller.
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to illusionistsPenn and Teller in front of a corrugated metal wall.Teller, a small man who seldom speaks, is strappedinto what appears to be an electric chair. Penn, atall man in gray suit, stands nearby. Also visible isa poster of the chair labeled, AMAZING ELECTRIC BOYand ADDICTED TO AC?]
Penn Gillette: Good evening! We are Penn andTeller. My name is Penn Gillette and this is mypartner Teller. [Teller waves a hand to the crowd buthis wrists are strapped to the chair] Also known asthe Incredible Electric Boy! You’ve seen him onnational television, you’ve read about him in theGuinness Book of World Records. Teller, the AmazingElectric Boy, an incredible medical oddity that isalso educational. Doctors, nurses and medical studentswith picture I.D. admitted free!
Eighteen years ago, before Teller was internationallyknown as the Incredible Electric Boy, cute littleTeller was playing in a tree — in the biggest tree inBucks County, Pennsylvania, during a thunderstorm,with keys in his pocket and a five-iron in hisup-stretched right hand! The golf club, being thehighest point in Pennsylvania, was struck bylightning, sending an estimated one hundred andtwenty-three million volts of electricity through thegolf club, through the Electric Boy’s body and throughthe tree, in its frantic search for ground! The golfclub was completely destroyed! [holds up a charred,bent club] The tree was completely destroyed! [holdsup purported X-ray of Teller’s thigh] The keys werepermanently wedged into Teller’s upper thigh andTeller became known as the medical oddity we know asthe Incredible Electric Boy! Wherever you are, falldown on your knees right now and thank the Almightythat YOU were not holding a five-iron over your headin Bucks County on three-oh-four p.m., Augustseventeenth, 1967!
While you’re down there on your knees, also givethanks that during– due to the miracles of modernmedical science, Teller has been able to live a fairlynormal, although personally empty, life! With a veryfew exceptions, Teller’s been denied physical contactwith would-be friends and lovers for fear that onecaress or handshake would spell DEATH to the veryperson he was trying to learn to love! Having becomean AC addict, his lonely life is also tethered to thelength of the available extension cords to the nearestoutlet!
And now — avoiding the spirit of morbidsensationalism and only in the name of the advancementof science — we bring you Teller, the Electric Boy, aliving human oddity! [off a generator next to thechair] This device right here keeps Teller’s brainfunctions and body functions operating at a slowcrawl. I will now turn them up and demonstrate whatGod in His quirky wisdom has chosen to bestow on thisnondescript vessel. [turns up the juice, meters on thegenerator inch upward] He now has four hundred andtwelve volts at seventeen amps coursing through hissystem. This is enough raw electrical power to killsix two hundred pound men, providing they’re standingbarefooted in water, holding hands.
[carries long thin bulb to a woman in the crowd] Iwill now take this perfectly normal, standard GEfluorescent light bulb. Ma’am, would you stand uphere, from the audience? [hands her the bulb] Wouldyou look at this light bulb? Are there any wireshitched to it in any way? Are there any battery packs?[guides woman on stage] Would you come up here, nearTeller, the Incredible Electric Boy and, please,without touching his body with your flesh, touch thelight bulb to him — and watch the electrons getexcited! Bring it right down there, ma’am. There’s nodanger to you at all. [Woman lowers bulb to Teller’sarm] That’s right. Bring her right over here. [thebulb lights up] Okay, now, you’re supplying theground, ma’am. Bring it in closer. Look at this. Now,move a little bit closer there, then move away. Slideit across him, ma’am. Jeez O’Crow, you could read bythat sucker! [takes bulb, to woman] Thank you verymuch! Go away!
[Applause for woman who retreats to her seat. Penncranks up the generator.]
And now, we turn up the voltage and, through thewonders of fully insulated rubber insole boots [tapsboot] and nerves of steel, we will present this livingreligious tableau entitled “God Giving Life to Adam”!I play the part o’ God. This is great. [Penn toucheshis index finger to Teller’s wrist – sparks fly] Whoa,ha ha ha ha ha ha! Okay! [Penn cranks up the voltageagain – by now, Teller is shaking] We turn up a littlebit more and we see — a little bit more right here –that electricity’s older sister, fire, is also givenbirth by the Amazing Electric Boy. [touches the end ofa fire-eater’s torch to Teller’s wrist, the torchignites] Goodness gracious, look at that, will ya?
[Penn, a talented fire-eater, tilts his head back andswallows the flame, crowd applauds. Meanwhile,Teller’s eyes are bugging out and he tremblesviolently.]
Teller! [laughs at Teller] I think – I think you’reoverplaying it a little bit, Teller. Just put it downa bit. [Teller stops shaking and stares at Penn,offended.] I don’t mean to drop it entirely but, see,the thing is, when you play it up like that, you dothe whole shaking thing, it looks like a SaturdayNight Live sketch. It doesn’t look like you’ve reallygot the volts going through ya, you know? [Upset,Teller rises and crosses his arms — the leatherstraps around his wrists and neck were not reallykeeping him in the chair.] Now, I wanted to say. Now,let me just tell ya– Let me try it this way, Teller.[to the crowd] Ma’am? If I had just said it was onepoint seven megahertz at seven hundred fiftymilli-amps — that’s the real amount, and it’s onlycomin’ off this plate here. [indicates a plate in thearm of the chair, talks to Teller] If we try to sellit as real instead of doin’ that whole bug-out eyething like it was some sort of big deal, man– I mean,the way we did it, you know, we could’ve gotten RandyQuaid and Terry Sweeney, you know. And he prob’ly -prob’ly’d done it in drag and get some laughs, yaknow?
[Teller takes off his straps and throws them downangrily] Now, just cool out, man. I don’t mean to getall panty-bunched, I’m tellin’ ya that, uh, that it’snot that big a deal. We shoulda played it for real,man. Magic does not work on TV. [Teller gestures forPenn to sit in the chair] Now, now, Teller’s tryin’ topoint out that, it is – it is a good-sized tingle,man. [to Teller] Now, just sit down in the chair andwe’ll do– [to the crowd] We had this great finish,the Peace on Earth Goodwill toward Men Living ElectricChristmas Tree. [to Teller] Now, go ahead–
[But Teller pulls out a larger leather neck strap forPenn and snaps it noisily, gestures for Penn to sit inthe chair.]
Okay, man, sure, sure. Turn it down. [turns down thegenerator] You want me to do that, huh? Okay.[explains to the crowd] I have not run through hisbefore but I’m sure it’s not that bad. It’s a littlebit of a tingle. [Penn removes his jacket, to Teller]I’ll do it, man. Okay? [to bandleader Howard Shore]Hit it, Howard!
[The SNL band plays mellow version of “O ChristmasTree” as Penn climbs cautiously into the chair andTeller straps him down.]
[to the crowd] If this would have been Teller, then Iwould have had lines to cover this whole thing but–[Teller hangs a bundle of blue fluorescent light bulbsaround Penn’s neck.] These are just fluorescent tubes,here. They’re not gonna hurt that much, I don’timagine. [Teller cranks up the generator, the bulbslight up, Penn reacts] Whooo! [Penn laughs nervously,trembles] It’s a little bit of a tingle. It’s not –not bad at all. [Teller puts a candy cane-shaped bulbin Penn’s hand — it promptly glows] And this is thecandy cane, symbolizing, I suppose, food for everybodyon Christmas. There’s definitely a feel to this.[Teller hands Penn a green wreath-shaped bulb whichglows and tries to stick a star-shaped bulb on Penn’shead. As he does so, he flips the long fluorescentbundle to reveal MERRY XMAS printed on itsback.]
Merry Christmas, everybody!
[Applause. Teller waves gleefully to the crowd. Penncontinues to shake as we fade out.]
[SUPER: COMING UP NEXT – Video of an airport employeecarrying a blue suitcase — a zealous dog hangs fromthe luggage by its mouth. The dog is then seenwrestling the suitcase on the ground.]
Don Pardo V/O: Coming up on Weekend Update: theReagans get a new dog! …
[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]
[A Statue of Liberty, standing against a red-hued sky,holds a GE light bulb in its upraised arm. SUPER:WEEKEND UPDATE / DENNIS MILLER]
Music Intro: Theme from TV series”Bonanza”
Don Pardo V/O: Now, “Weekend Update” withanchorperson, Dennis Miller.
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to an unusuallysedate Dennis sitting at the WU desk with his penciland sheaf of news bulletins.]
Dennis Miller: Well, thank you. Thank you, all.You’re having my baby.
Tonight’s top story– Well, Paul Castellano was let goby the parent company earlier this week. Anonymoussources cite creative differences as the reason forthe abrupt dismissal which took place at curb leveloutside the Spark Steak House on Manhattan’s EastSide. That’s the Spark Steak House where beef is thespecialty of the house but, occasionally you’ll hearthe word “duck” bandied about. …
Earlier this week, Governor Mario Cuomo said there’sno such thing as the Mafia. Yeah, this is the kind ofguy you want in the White House, huh? …
We’ll have more on this Mafia story later in thenewscast.
That big General Electric-RCA takeover deal has hit asnag. GE has stopped payment on its 6.28 billiondollar check saying they didn’t know NBC was cancelingRobert Blake’s “Helltown” series. … GE says, “NoHelltown, no deal, no six billion dollars.”…
Here are the results of our most recent Weekend Updatepoll. We asked fourteen hundred Americans all acrossthe country, “What’s the deal?” Fifty-two percent of’em said they didn’t know what the deal was.Forty-five percent wondered if we could rephrase thequestion. And four percent thought we were talking tothe person in back of them. …
Authorities in Connecticut say that a squirrel mayhave caused the power outage that cut off electricityto over two hundred thousand homes last night.[Doctored photo of a tree full of electricalappliances.] Officials say the squirrel plugged in toomany appliances at the same time … tripping circuitbreakers throughout the state. No charges have beenfiled against the squirrel because, after all, comeon, he IS a squirrel. …
Doctors conclusively proved today that television starLeonard Nimoy is actually a space alien named Spock…. The report was completed after extensive physicaltests and careful scrutiny of Mr. Nimoy’s poetry. …Paramount Pictures also announced that Mr.Nimoy-slash-Spock would not appear in the next “StarTrek” film. The character of Spock, however, willappear in the film portrayed by ABC News White Housecorrespondent Sam Donaldson. [Side by side photos ofLeonard Nimoy as Spock and the Vulcan-like SamDonaldson] … [cheers and applause, Dennis runs hishand through his hair] Yeah, I love Sam’swork.
The National Board of Education’s “Write the Script toRocky IV Before You See the Movie” contest had to becanceled this week when seventeen hundred andfifty-two entries tied for first place … correctlyduplicating the written screenplay right down to thelast comma.
A sad note. The staff of Weekend Update has justlearned of the passing of one of our nation’s greatestpresidents — George Washington. Once again, GeorgeWashington, dead, in 1799. …
Continuing our coverage of the recent Mafia killing,we here at Weekend Update have come across a personwho has links to the underworld who wishes to be aninformant. We have promised him that we would protecthis identity by covering his eyes and we will refer tohim only as “Mr. X.” [turns to a mustachioed Italianman seated beside him] Hello, Mr. X. Now, I understandthat–
Mr. X: [thick Italian accent] That – that isnot-a my real name, Mr. X. It’s just a disguise name.
Dennis Miller: Mm hm.
Mr. X: I don’t even have an X in my name.
Dennis Miller: Okay. [clears throat] Weunderstand that and we also understand you have astatement you wish to make.
Mr. X: That’s right. I would like to make astatement. … [A small black rectangle issuperimposed over Mr. X’s eyes but fails to concealhis identity as, almost every time he moves his headslightly, his eyes appear on camera. Throughout thesketch, the camera operator struggles to keep Mr. X’seyes covered by the rectangle. Mr. X reads:] “Lastyear, upon the graduation with honors, almost, fromthe Mafia Training School, I was offered a job with-athe Tartuffe family and they offered-a me a job as atrainee for three hundred dollars a week. But theydidn’t pay me that much. They said they would but theydidn’t do it. And they said I would be Mafioso traineebut they made-a me work in-a the mail room. And otherjobs worse-a than that. And I’m a graduate of theMafia Training School!”
Dennis Miller: That’s it? That’s–? That’s allyou have to say? Just that? That they didn’t pay youenough for–?
Mr. X: They did – They did pay me three hundreddollars — for one week. But then they loweredmy salary. They gave me less just because of onelittle mistake. So that was it. One littlemistake.
Dennis Miller: Well, what was themistake?
Mr. X: Well, I took a– First-a job they gaveme was as a chauffeur. And it wasn’t -was not achauffeur for Don Tartuffe, was a chauffeur for hiswife, Mrs. Tartuffe. She had to go to this lodgemeeting. Eleanor Duse-a Lodge. She said that she wouldbe one hour — one hour only, that’s it. I waited formore than an hour. I went for just a cup o’ coffee.You know what I mean? I come back. She was-a gone. Allof the women was gone. And I thought, I gotta go homeand tell Don Tartuffe, you know, that I lost his wife.Maybe she would-a be kidnapped, I didn’t know whathappened.
Dennis Miller: Well, was she kidnapped? I mean,what happened?
Mr. X: No. She was-a home. She took a cab home.She left without me! That’s what-a she did. She said Ididn’t wait for her. She didn’t wait for ME!
Dennis Miller: I’ll bet you Don Tartuffe wasmad.
Mr. X: No, no, he was not mad at all. Wasunbelievable. He was-a very calm, you know? He justlooks at me, he says, “What time do you get to workin-a the morning?” I said, “Oh, ten, ten-thirty,eleven o’clock,” you know, right in there. He says tome, “Tomorrow, I want you here at eight o’clock. And,”he says to me, “And — wear old clothes.” They made meassistant for the gardener! And then he made me cleanout his garage and I’m a graduate of the MafiaTraining School. That’s what-a they did to me.
Dennis Miller: Wait a second, X. That’s it? Ithought you were gonna name names here.
Mr. X: I could name-a names. Giorgio the Face.I name him by name. He’s the right hand of DonTartuffe. Giorgio the Face, write that down, Giorgiothe Face.
Dennis Miller: [can’t find his pencil rightaway] Mafia stole my pen. What – what about him? Didyou – did you see him commit any crime? Did he dosomethin’?
Mr. X: Well, Dennis, he push-a me. Two times,two times he push-a. Not one time. Two times. And,another time, he hollers at me in front of all of theother men and everything, he hollers at me.
Dennis Miller: Now, Mr. X, I just don’t thinkthese people are terribly interested in your personalproblems. I mean, come on, how’s about this recentmurder? Do you know anything about that?
Mr. X: I seen it.
Dennis Miller: You saw it? You were a witness?You were there?
Mr. X: No, I wasn’t there. I seen it ontelevision. It was on all of the stations. All ofthe– And I seen it on Nightline. Ted Koppel. I namehim by name — Ted Koppel. Was his name. Red hair. Putthat down.
Dennis Miller: Koppel with a “K,” right, hm?Come on, Mr. X, I think we all saw it on television. Ithought perhaps you had some inside information. Maybeyou know why he was killed, huh?
Mr. X: Why?
Dennis Miller: Yeah, why.
Mr. X: Sure, I know why.
Dennis Miller: Well, what’s the story?
Mr. X: Somebody was mad at him. Somebody wasmad and then they shoot him. That’s what itwas.
Dennis Miller: Yeah. Well, thank you, Mr. X.I’m sure we all feel a little more informed on thepressing facts. Thank you for your knowledge.
Mr. X: Giorgio the Face, remember that!
Dennis Miller: [writes it down] Giorgio theFace.
Mr. X: Giorgio the Face!
[Cheers and applause for Mr. X.]
Dennis Miller: Mr. X. Mr. X, a veritable fountof Mafia information.
This just in: Godot finally showed up. … He was rudeand we asked him to leave. …
Well, that’s the news. And guess what? I’m out o’here. Have a merry Christmas. Thank you verymuch.
[Cheers, applause and John Williams’ theme from the1978 movie “Superman” as we pull back and fadeaway.]
Cabrini Green … Danitra Vance The Gifted Wrapper … Damon Wayons
[Gift wrapping counter at a department store. Asatisfied customer receives a wrapped package from theguy behind the counter and exits just as CabriniGreen, the oft-pregnant teen, arrives with an item ofher own.]
Cabrini Green: Uh, could you wrap this presentfor me, please?
[The guy behind the counter raps as he wraps — andCabrini answers with raps of her own:]
The Gifted Wrapper: Well, say no more You’re on the right floor An’ I’m ‘a give you more Than you bargained for See, I’m the Gifted Rapper and this is what I do I wrap your package while I rhyme to you This is my job all year around And when I’m not doin’ this, I’m out on the town See, I started as a deejay, playin’ funky songs Then I got another job to fall back on
Cabrini Green: Oh, hey, young man, your rap is really good And I don’t want to be misunderstood But could you wrap it? Just wrap it! Just take the tape and just wrap it!
The Gifted Wrapper: Chill out, Miss Lady, and check out this ‘Cuz this here rhyme is on your shoppin’ list All this crazy buyin’ only makes me fear That people only love each other once ayear
Cabrini Green: Hey, homeboy, I really gotta say You rappin’ wrapper, just wrap away Just wrap it! Just wrap it! Just wrap-a-wrap-a-wrap-a-wrap it!
The Gifted Wrapper: You shouldn’t wait till Christmas to think about yourfriend ‘Cuz, December twenty-fourth, his life could end Some Christmas spendin’ money you ain’t got Tryin’ to play big shot Yeah! Ha ha ha!
Cabrini Green: Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
The Gifted Wrapper: But, if you promise me this: You keep my words inmind The next time you come, I’ll spare you therhyme
Cabrini Green: Ho ho ho! I hear what you say I won’t save the love for only Christmasday
The Gifted Wrapper: ‘Cuz every day is special when you love each otherright
Cabrini Green and The Gifted Wrapper: [into thecamera] So, live from New York, it’s Saturdaynight!
[ open on a crowd people chanting “We Want Herb!!” at a press conference ]
Dennis Miller: We’re here, live, at New York’s Sheraton Center for a press conference, called by Burger King, where the legendary Herb will make his first public appearance. There’s an air of excitement here, as we all wait for Herb – yes, the mysterious Herb, the only man in America who’s never had a Burger King Whopper. Here he comes.. let’s watch!
[ Herb is wheeled out in a wheelchair by Burger King officals, who hand him a microphone ]
[ SUPER: “Herb” ]
Herb: Hello, my name is Herb. I have asked for the opportunity to address you toda,y so that I can set the record straight as to why I have never had a Burger King Whopper.
[ reads text ]
“About 12 years ago, I made my first visit ever to a fast food restaurant, in this case, a competitor of Burger King. I had been playing basketball all morning, and had worked up quite an appetite, so I ordered a large Coke, fries, and a special cheeseburger. I had no problem with the fries or the Coke, but when I bit into the cheeseburger, my body went into a severe state of anaflectic shock; an extreme allergic reaction to the glue, which this particular fast food chain used to hold its hamburgers together during lengthy cross-country shipping. When I awoke in the hospital several hours later, I was informed by the doctors that I would be confined to a wheelchair, probably for life. Ever since that experience, I have felt uncomfortable about eating at any fast food restaurant, and have suffered from a phobia, probably unwarranted, that my first bite of a Whopper might prove fatal. It is for this reason, and this reason alone, that I have never had a Burger King Whopper. I wish to stress that I bear the fast food industry no ill will for what has happened to me. I have the highest regard for the Burger King Corporation, and understand that Burger King is involved in many worthwhile civic projects. I do ask, however, that in the name of simple decency, that I be spared the incessant negative publicity and invasion of my privacy, which their advertising campaign has generated, and that I be allowed to live out the remainder of my life in peace. Taht is all I have to say, thank you for listening.
[ camera pans out across the reporters, as Herb is wheeled away ]
Dennis Miller: Well, uh.. there you have it folks.. Herb. The only man in America who hs never had a.. Burger King Whopper. [ a note is handed to Dennis ] Well, this just in.. [ reads note ] Well, here’s some good news – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Announcer: Now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Thank you very much. You know, Im not an anchorperson, but I play one on TV. So heres the news. Tonights top story…
President Reagan had three small polyps removed from his colon yesterday. Doctors say they are quote, clinically benign. However, there was a fourth growth in Mr. Reagan colon, which had been causing his extreme pain in his posterior region.
[ BLURRY IMAGE IS DISPLAYED ON THE NEWS SCREEN. ]
As these blurred, magnified colonoscopic pictures reveal, it was, at first, a blurred unidentifiable mass.
[ IMAGE BECOMES LESS BLURRED ]
Upon closer examination, it turned to be magnified many times as the Presidents most painful polyp yet.
[ PHOTO OF LIBYAN PRESIDENT MUAMMAR GADDAFI ]
A tad flaky, too.
[ PHOTO OF BERT CONVY ]
Incidentally, pre-production has begun on the movie biography of Col. Gaddafi and hell be played by popular game show host Bert Convy. [ pause ] I think its a breakthrough part for Bert.
[ NEWSPAPER GRAPHIC OF SUBWAY SHOOTER BERNARD GOETZ: BERNARD GOETZ GETS OFF ]
The big news in New York is about Bernard Goetz. And this Daily News headline says it all. Things do go full-circle, because if Im not mistaken, this is the same headline they used the night of the shooting.
[ ABC NETWORK LOGO ]
ABCs recent takeover by Capital Cities announced plans to send drug-sniffing dogs into the offices to enforce its anti-drug policy. Sounds like grandstanding to me. Here at NBC, our parent company RCA has had a drug-sniffing pooch for years.
[ RCA NIPPER LOGO ]
This week, Nicaragua & El Salvador formed an alliance for the expressed purpose of suing Libya for keeping them off the front page of newspapers.
Tragedy struck the slopes of Mt. Rainier in the state of Washington today when a lost mountain climber had to eat the people who were rescuing him to stay alive. Anything goes above the timber line
Heres our weekly roundup of the worlds troubled spots: the Iran-Iraq border, the South Africa-Zimbabwe border. Of course, Uganda, Syria-Israel-Lebanon conflict, and lastly, Jerry Lee Lewis current marriage.
[ PHOTO OF NASAS COLUMBIA SHUTTLE ]
The troubled and plagued mission of the space shuttle Columbia finally ended this morning when the craft landed in Steven Spielbergs backyard in Beverly Hills. Spielberg, who recently bought NASA, had no comment.
[ PHOTO OF FIRST FAMILYS PET REX ]
The Reagans King Charles spaniel Rex had surgery this week at a Washington veterinary hospital. It was a tonsillectomy and required a general anesthetic.
[ PHOTO OF VICE PRESIDENT BUSH ]
Rex was accompanied to the hospital by Vice President George Bush, who stood by in case of an emergency, requiring the standard transference of power in such situations.
[ BLURRY PHOTO OF GEORGE HAMILTON ]
Biblical archaeologists working in the Sudan this week, uncovered what they believe to by the uncovered shroud of George Hamiltons tan. A spokesman for the Our Lady of Our Band of Soleil said that the authentication process will take place in late February near the poolside of the MGM Grand.
[ PHOTO OF JOHN ASTIN & PATTY DUKE ]
Patty Duke, recently divorced from John Gomez Astin, was remarried this week. The actress, who won an Oscar for her performance in The Miracle Worker — [ PHOTO OF LURCH FROM THE ADDAMS FAMILY ] exchanged vows with Lurch in a private ceremony.
[ THE MATHEMATICAL (PI) SYMBOL ]
Tonights winning lottery number is Pi.
[ Audience goes in uproarious laughter. ]
I like that one, too. If you have a ticket with Pi, and it figures out to infinity, bring it on down! Because we pay out to 3.14 to 6-1. Okay?
The New England Association of Summer Camps predicts next summers most popular camp song will be Maria Shriver-Schwarzenegger-Jingleheimerschmidt.
Heres the holiday schedule in observation of Martin Luther King Jr. birthday. The following will be closed: government offices, post offices, libraries, schools, banks, parts of Palm Beach, Florida and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
A bus crashed in Ecuador today, leaving 30,000 dead, 15,000 injured and 200,000 homeless.
For a printed transcript of the preceding joke, send three dollars to:
The Preceding Joke Saturday Night Live Washington, D.C. 20001
Dennis Miller: Well listen, folks! Thats the news & I am outta here! Good night ladies and gentlemen!
Jack…..Jon Lovitz Abraham Lincoln…..Terry Sweeney George Washington…..Dennis Miller Sitting Bull….Randy Quaid Sherlock Holmes…..Jim Downey Tarzan…..Robert Downey, Jr. Announcer…..Don Pardo
[newspaper with headline “Martin Luther King Jr.’s BirthdaySale-abration” spins onto screen]
Announcer [V/O]: It’s a Martin Luther King Jr.’s BirthdaySale-abration!
[wipe to Jack, a man wearing a plaid jacket and tie. He is standingbehind a counter with assorted merchandise in front of racks of linensmarked “Sale”]
Jack: Hey, this is Jack of Jack’s Discount Emporium sayingcome on down to the Martin Luther King Jr.’s Birthday WhiteSale! [Flashing super: WHITE SALE!] This Monday, January20th, we shall overcome high prices! Mine eyes have seenthe glory of Phil Blass, Laura Ashley and Perry Ellis bedspreads forthe low, low price of $19.99! [Flashing super: $19.99] That’sonly $19.99!
[wipe to Abraham Lincoln impersonater in front of white brick wallset]
Lincoln: Four score and seven — [Washington impersonatorwalks up beside him] George Washington?!?
Washington: I cannot tell a Lie, Abe! I’m going to Jack’sWarehouse Outlet Sale for the Martin Luther King Jr. Birthday WhiteSale!
[wipe back to Jack, hands together at the side of his head]
Jack: I have a dream! You wanted quality linens [holdsup merchandise] at the lowest prices in town!
[wipe back to brick wall set, now with Sherlock Holmes and Sitting Bullimpersonators standing in front of it]
Sitting Bull: [raises left hand] How…how…how do they doit?
Sherlock Holmes: [removes pipe from mouth] Elementary,my dear Sitting Bull. Low overhead means low prices!
[wipe back to Jack]
Jack: [hands above eyes] I have seen the otherside of the mountain! [lowers hands] And the prices are way,way higher! So march on down to the King! King! KingSized savings at Jack’s Warehouse Emporium!
Air Date:
The Replacements, “Bastards of the Young”
