Category: 1985

A Roy Orbison Christmas

Roy Orbison … Randy Quaid
Clamdigger … Terry Sweeney
Clamdigger … Robert Downey, Jr.
Connie Stevens … Teri Garr
Leslie Uggams … Danitra Vance
Don Adams … Jon Lovitz
Edd “Kookie” Byrnes … Anthony Michael Hall

[Announcer Don Pardo reads a text that rolls by on adark screen.]

Don Pardo V/O: Ten days ago, the GeneralElectric Company bought RCA, the parent company ofNBC. We at Saturday Night Live applaud this bold,wily, tactical maneuver, which places us under thegrip of an even more efficient managerial team. In aneffort to bring down production costs, GE has orderedthe network to broadcast all previously unairedprogramming by the end of the fiscal year. Thefollowing is from a 1965 Christmas special which waspre-empted by network reports of Hurricane Louise. Sowe now join the last six minutes of “A Roy OrbisonChristmas.”

[Before Pardo can finish, we hear Roy Orbison’sclassic growl and hear the singer’s signature tune”Pretty Woman.” We dissolve to the set of theChristmas special where Roy, in his usual black suitand sunglasses, and his band perform the end of thesong:]

Roy Orbison and his band: [singing]
Pretty woman, don’t walk on by
Pretty woman, don’t make me cry
Pretty woman, don’t walk away, hey
Okay
I guess I’ll go on home, it’s late.
We’ll meet tomorrow night, but wait!
What do I see?
Is she walking back to me?
Yeah, she’s walking back to me
Oh, oh, pretty woman

[Cheers and applause as the song ends.]

Roy Orbison: [Southern accent] Mercy! Mercy!Thank you. Merry Christmas! You know, as I said aboutfifty-four minutes ago when I opened this Christmasspecial, Christmas is for family and friends and hereare some good friends of the entire Orbison family –Connie Stevens and the Clamdiggers!

[Applause. The band plays. The Clamdiggers, foursurfer dudes in psychedelic beach attire, run in andsing “Santa’s Little Surfer Girl” as ’60s pop starletConnie Stevens, an energetic blonde in fur-trimmed redbikini top, gold lame hula skirt and white boots,joins them and go-go dances to the beat, occasionallychiming in on a line or two:]

Clamdiggers:
There’s a cat up north they call Saint Nick
He’s got some crazy little helpers and one of them’s achick
She rides his sleigh only once a year
Spreading Christmas cheer

She’s surfside and yuletide
Come on everybody and watch her ride
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl

Guys and gals come from miles around
Come to hear her surfin’ Santa sound
Well, she can hang a stocking but she’s hangingten
She’s hipper than the Three Wise Men

She’s surfside and yuletide
Come on everybody and watch her ride
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl

[As the band’s saxophonist solos, the Clamdiggersgroove in the background and sing Beach Boy-stylefalsetto harmonies as Connie brings out a surfboardand pretends to go surfing — a cheesy Chroma-Keyscreen lowers from above with stock footage of aboat’s wake to give the unconvincing illusion thatshe’s really out on the water.]

Clamdiggers:
Surfside and yuletide
Come on everybody and watch her ride
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl

[Cheers and applause as the song ends, the screen israised, and Roy joins his guests on stage.]

Roy Orbison: Mercy! Thank you, Connie. [Connieand the Clamdiggers exit, Roy growls at her as shegoes, then turns to the camera] You know, when ouroriginal sponsor found out that my next guest, LeslieUggams, is a Negro, they pulled out. So I really wannaexpress my gratitude to the good people at LuckyStrikes for steppin’ in at the last minute. Here, witha dramatic reading, Miss Leslie Uggams.

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to the elegantyoung singer-actress Leslie Uggams, seated in aspotlight, holding a letter.]

Leslie Uggams: Christmas is a time when weshould think of those who cannot be with theirfamilies. I have a letter here from a young man in amental institution. … He writes: [reads, sombermusic under] “What is insanity? Is it dreaming dreamsthat others dare not dream to dream? Is it wanting aworld so rich in love that your heart despairs whenothers call your dreams madness? … Is it believingthat you are the conduit through which the ghosts ofslaughtered soldiers … [must rotate the letter inorder to follow the deranged scribblings of theauthor] … scream out from their graves seekingrevenge on the tiny little men who sent them there?’Bow-wow,’ says Blinky the Space Dog.” … [folds upthe letter] Then it becomes totally unintelligible….

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Roy and theband.]

Roy Orbison: Mercy! Thank you, Leslie! MerryChristmas! And that’s the end of our show. [band plays”Jingle Bell Rock” under] I’d like to thank my guests,Miss Connie Stevens. [applause for Connie who entersand kisses Roy] Ah, merry Christmas. And also GetSmart’s Don Adams!

Don Adams: [enters, dressed as Maxwell Smart]Roy, would you believe I had a great time?Merry Christmas, Roy!

Roy Orbison: Thank you, Don. Also, Miss LeslieUggams, my special guest!

Leslie Uggams: [enters, careful not to touchany white boys] Merry Christmas, Roy!

Roy Orbison: Thank you, thank you. MerryChristmas! And Edd “Kookie” Byrnes! Thank you,Edd!

Edd “Kookie” Byrnes: [the teen idol star ofTV’s “77 Sunset Strip” enters] Merry Christmas, Roy![combs his hair as teen girls scream]

Roy Orbison: Thank you. And merry Christmas toeach and everyone of you. Let’s take it onhome.

[The Clamdiggers join Roy and his guests as everyonelines up across the stage and sings a shortenedversion of “Jingle Bell Rock”:]

All: [singing]
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time
Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square
In the frosty air

What a bright time
It’s the right time
To dance the night away
Jingle bell time is a swell time
To go ridin’ in a one-horse sleigh
Giddy-up, jingle horse
Pick up your feet
Jingle around–

[Over the song, the credits roll:

Produced by
BOB FINKEL

Directed by
STAN HARRIS

Choreographer
HUGH LAMBERT

Written by
BUZ KOHAN

Musical Director
JACK ELLIOTT

Art Director
GENE McAVOY

All of these names, incidentally, are of real peoplewho worked on similar TV music-variety specials in the1960s and ’70s. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 2

85b: Chevy Chase / Sheila E.

Pathological Liars Anonymous

Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: And now, a message from Pathological Liars Anonymous.

Tommy Flanagan: Hello, my name is Tommy Flanagan, and I’m a member of Pathological Liars Anonymous. In fact.. I’m the president of the organization!

I didn’t always lie. No, when I was a kid, I told the truth. But then one day, I got caught stealing money out of my mother’s purse. I lied. I told her it was homework – that my teacher told me to do it. And she got fired! Yeah, that’s what happened!

After that, lying was easy for me. I lied about my age and joined the army. I was thirteen at the time. Yeah.. I went to Vietnam, and I was injured catching a mortar shell in my teeth. And they made me a three-star general! And then I got a job in journalism, writing for the National Enquire.. er, Geographic! Yeah.. I was making twenty thousand a ye.. month! In fact, I won the Pulitzer Prize that year! Yeah, that’s the ticket.

And then my cousin died – Joe Louis – and I took it hard. Maybe too hard – I tried to kill myself. Yeahh.. I did kill myself! Sure! I was medically dead for a week and a half! It was a woman that brought me out of it – Indira Gandhi! Yeah, right.. And she told me about Pathological Liars Anonymous.

Oh, you’d be surprised how many famous people belong. In fact.. at one of the meetings I met my wife – Morgan Fairchild! Yes, I’m a change man now, and all because of Pathological Liars Anonymous. Why, I – I even have my picture on the cover of Newsweek magazine. Yeah. Every day! Yeah.. that’s the ticket! Yeah, you betcha!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 2

85b: Chevy Chase / Sheila E.

Smoky Hallways

Fire Chief…..Chevy Chase
Fireman #1…..Damon Wayans
Fireman #2…..Don Novello
Fireman #3…..Terry Sweeney
Fireman #4…..Anthony Michael Hall
Fireman #5…..Jon Lovitz
Fireman #6…..Robert Downey Jr.
Fireman #7…..Randy Quaid
Fireman…..Dan Vitale

FADE IN:

[ STOCK FOOTAGE OF FIRE FIGHTERS RUSHING TO THEIR ENGINES AND THE BLAZINGINFERNO ON SCENE. ]

[ INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT ]

[ A FIRE CHIEF and his crew arrive. The area is covered in smoke. ]

Fire Chief: Okay men — we gotta check every compartment in here! Checkevery door! We gotta make sure nobody’s in here! Okay!?

[ The fire fighters scramble to check the hallway. The fire chief pointsto all sorts of doorways while his team goes into every one. ]

Fire Chief: You — check that door!

[ The fire chief points to another door. ]

Fire Chief: You — check that one! Go ahead! You check that door, too!

[ The fire chief points to another door to two of his men. ]

Fire Chief: You two — check those doors! Every door here — check it!!

[ The fire chief points to another door. ]

Fire Chief: You check that door! Come on, check it! Let’s go, let’s go!!

Fireman #1: What about this door?

Fire Chief: Check it!

Fireman #2: What about this door?

Fire Chief: Check it! You better check it! I wanna make sure you check it!

[ The fire chief points out a previous door. ]

Fire Chief: Did you check that door!? Well, check it again!

Fireman #3: What are we going to do!?

Fire Chief: Check it again and make sure you check it!

[ The fire chief points two different firemen and a door behind them. ]

Fire Chief: You both check that door? You two — make sure you check it! Check it!!

[ A different fireman goes in the door the fire chief gave orders for theprevious two to enter. ]

Fire Chief: Get outta of there!! Check down there! Come on, let go! Check them all!!

Fireman: I’ll check it!

[ The fire chief and his crew leave the hallway. ]

Fire Chief: All right — let’s check ’em!

[ INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY – NIGHT ]

[ Smoke fills the passageway and the crew keeps bumping into each other.They all scramble to check the doors. The fire chief’s the last show up. ]

Fire Chief: Check that door! Check it! It’s weird! Check it again!

[ The fire chief points out a door to a fireman. ]

Fire Chief: Come on, check it! What do you think you get a check for!?!? I’m not checking!

[ A fireman approaches the fire chief. ]

Fire Chief: Did you check that door!? Check it again!

[ FIREMAN #4 rushes to the fire chief. ]

Fireman #4: Chief! You want me to check that door!?

Fire Chief: Double-check it! I don’t care! Okay!?

[ The fire chief points to a door on his left to another fireman. ]

Fire Chief: Check that door!

[ The fire chief calls for Fireman #4 and points to the door he asked forto be checked. Fireman #4 races to the fire chief. ]

Fire Chief: Come here! Come here! Come here! You check that!?

Fireman #4: This one!?

Fire Chief: Make sure its checked!

[ The fire chief starts to get light-headed and losing his footing. ]

Fireman #5: Chief!

Fire Chief: What!? What do you want!? Your check!?!? It’s too early! Check in the morning!

[ The fire chief’s getting more unbalanced. ]

Fire Chief: Check! I want you to check! Check!

[ The fire chief faints. The crew circles around him. ]

Fireman #5: Check his pulse!

Fireman #6: The “checks” were too much for him!

Fireman #7: There’s one thing we’re not sure about — we think we checkedbut then we’re not! Probably though… What should we do?

[ The fire chief starts to regain consciousness and sits up. ]

Fireman #7: Wait — I think he’s trying to say something!

Fire Chief: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 2

85b: Chevy Chase / Sheila E.

Those Unlucky Andersons

Mr. Anderson…..Chevy Chase
Mrs. Anderson…..Nora Dunn
Timmy…..Anthony Michael Hall
Tracy…..Joan Cusack
City Official…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: And now for an evening with “Those Unlucky Andersons”.

Mr. Anderson: [ reading paper ] Well, I guess we’d better cancel our barbecue, honey.

Mrs. Anderson: Not more bad weather?

Mr. Anderson: I’m afraid so, listen to this: 78° and sunny, except for the area around 516 Woodlawn Avenue.. which will continue to experience heavy rain and occasional sleet.

Mrs. Anderson: What a shame..

Mr. Anderson: Yeah.

Mrs. Anderson: Why is it always our house?

Mr. Anderson: It sure seems that way, doesn’t it?

Timmy: [ enters living room ] Hey, Mom, Dad.

Mr. Anderson: Hey, Timmy! Oh, hey, what do you have there, Tim – one of those toy arrows through the arm?

Timmy: You know, Dad, I wish it were?

Mr. Anderson: Ooh.. oh boy, that’s too bad. It must hurt a bit.

Timmy: Yeah, it does.

Mr. Anderson: You’d better run that under some cold tap water, and put some butter on it.

Timmy: Butter?

Mr. Anderson: Yeah, it’ll make it better. Try it.

Timmy: Mom, how you doing? [ exits to kitchen ]

Mr. Anderson: Boy, I’ll bet that smarts. [ opens paper again ] Oh! Oh! Honey! It looks like we won the lottery again! [ laughs ] Over $8 million this time! The cat didn’t eat the ticket, did he?

Mrs. Anderson: Oh.. yes, I’m afraid so, dear. I guess it’s just the numbers he likes, I don’t know.

Mr. Anderson: Darn that cat! Timmy, where is Buster!

Mrs. Anderson: You know, it’s such a shame he doesn’t eat the losing ones.

Timmy: [ re-enters living room carrying frozen cat ] Here he is, Dad. you know, Buster’s kind of dumb, I think, Dad. He got into the freezer again.

Mr. Anderson: [ holds the frozen cat ] Uh.. I’ll never get the tickets out of him this way. Alright, take him back to the kitchen and warm him up.

Timmy: Alright, Dad.

Mr. Anderson: Put some butter on him. Oh, uh, Tim, when you come back, I’ve got some news for you – you got a letter from the President of the United States!

Timmy: Who, Dad?

Mr. Anderson: [ chuckles ] The President!

Timmy: The President?

Mr. Anderson: Yeah.

Timmy: What’s it say, Dad?

Mr. Anderson: Well, let’s check it out.. [ stabs himself with the letter opener ]

Mrs. Anderson: Honey..

Mr. Anderson: It’s okay, it was open.. [ reads letter ] Oh, boy.. Timmy.. you’ve been drafted.

Timmy: Oh, great.

Mrs. Anderson: I thought the Army was all voluntary now?

Mr. Anderson: Well, it is. But, according to this, the Pentagon decided they need one more guy.

Mrs. Anderson: Oh.. and it had to be our Timmy.

Mr. Anderson: Darnit.

Mrs. Anderson: [ lowers head ] Oh, God!

Mr. Anderson: What’s the matter, honey, you lose a contact lens?

Mrs. Anderson: No, my whole eye!

Timmy: Oh, Mom!

Mr. Anderson: Let me help you look for that.. [ gets down on his knees to search the floor ] Ah! This must be our lucky day! Here’s that button I lost!

Mrs. Anderson: Good things come in threes.. because here’s my eye, and another button! [ back cracks as she stands ] Oh.. honey, I think I just turned my spine out again!

Mr. Anderson: Oh, no, sweetheart.. get in the kitchen, put some butter on that.

Tracy: [ enters living room ] Hi, Dad..

Mr. Anderson: Hi, Tracy, did you have a good day? Well, honey, how’d you get that burn on your hand?

Tracy: On the bus. A Buddhist mon sitting next to me was upset about politics and set me on fire.

Mr. Anderson: Some people.. Well, you’d better get in there and put some butter on it. Hey, uh.. that is a hysterical pregnancy, isn’t it?

Tracy: No, Dad.

Mr. Anderson: Come on.. it doesn’t have anything to do with the supernatural, or the devil or anything..? [ she runs away crying ] Darn it all!

[ doorbell rings ]

Timmy: Dad, the door.

Mr. Anderson: I’ll get it, I’ll get it. [ opens door, smacks himself in the head ]

City Official: Mr. Anderson?

Mr. Anderson: Yeah, that’s me. How are you? This is my son, Tim, he’s going to be joining the Army against his will.

Timmy: Dad..

City Official: Mr. Anderson, the local historical society has been going through the old town records.

Mr. Anderson: Oh?

City Official: Yes. And they turned up some 17th Century legal papers.

Mr. Anderson: Sounds very interesting.

City Official: Yes. And, according to an old law they found, you’re under arrest.

Mrs. Anderson: [ re-enters living room wearing an eyepatch ] Honey?

Mr. Anderson: Uh, honey, don’t set a place for me, I’m gonna be in prison for a while.

Mrs. Anderson: Oh, what a shame. Well, honey, before you go, do you remember what we usually do when the cat’s on fire?

Mr. Anderson: Uh, yeah.. we run him under some cold tap water, and put some butter on him.

Announcer: You’ve been watching an evening with “Those Unlucky Andersons”.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 16th, 1985

Chevy Chase

Sheila E.

None

Sheila E., “Hollyrock”

Smoky Hallways

Fire Chief (Chevy Chase) makes sure his men check every door in sight.

Chevy Chase’s Monologue

Chevy Chase gives reminisces about the studio and gives words of advice to promising new cast member Jon Lovitz.

Wacky Glue

Extremely adhesive.

The Pat Stevens Show

Pat (Nora Dunn) interviews a feminist stripper (Danitra Vance).

Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

Ford/Reagan

Gerald Ford (Chase) counsels President Reagan (Randy Quaid) on the Soviets.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Gerald Ford.

Sheila E. performs “Hollyrock”

Freedom From Trojans

A message of importance.

Those Unlucky Andersons

Suburban family is plagued with problems throughout their home.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Damon Wayans proposes “Mo’ Money” technique against foreign countries.

Jose Cuervo’s Party School Bowl

Questions are ridiculously easy.

The Life of Vlad The Impaler

Transylvanian prince (Randy Quaid) has doubts.

The Blue, The Gray, & The Yellow

Civi War memories of the cowardly.

Drums, Drums, Drums!

Chase demonstrates his prowess in new instrumental album.

Pathological Liars Anonymous

Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) promotes his organization.

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Sheila E. performs “A Love Bizarre”

Craig Sundberg, Idiot Savant

Craig (Anthony Michael Hall) judges a violin recital in Moscow.

SNL Transcripts

Pinklisting

Melinda Zoomont…..Madonna
Director…..Randy Quaid
Clint Weston…..Terry Sweeney
Make-Up Girl….Joan Cusack
Censor…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “In the early 1950’s, a dark shadow descended upon Hollywood. Caught up in the mass-hysteria of the McCarthy era, the entertainment industry turned against its own, blacklisting innocent artists and craftsmen. Banned from their chosen occupations, these blacklisted individuals fell victim to heresay, its ugly accomplice innuendo, and their unattractive sidekick, guilt by association. And now in 1985, Hollywood again is gripped by paranoia, this time provoked by the tragic AIDS outbreak. Actressed refused to do scenes with unknown actors. Gay actors are forced back into the closet, leading double lives, wearing wedding bands, riding motorcyles – living in fear that they will fall victim to: Pinklisting.”

[ dissolve to movie set, as actress Melinda Zoomont storms in ]

Melinda Zoomont: Art, are these the pages? Because if they are, it’s all wrong. I thought the love scene with the new character was out?

Director: Sweetheart, we decided that we had to establish your relationship with Lionel, because four or five scripts down the line, you’re gonna have his baby and he kidnaps you.

Melinda Zoomont: But I told you, I don’t do love scenes with actors I don’t know!

Director: Take five, everybody!

[ groans ]

Melinda Zoomont: I hate that this is happening to me, because it places me in the role of the bitch. And I hate that, because I’m not a bitch.

Director: Melinda, Melinda.. no one thinks you’re a bitch. Youre a professional. We all are. We’ve got a job to do. Now, you may not know Clint Weston, but I do. And I can tell you that there’s not another more masculine, more heterosexual actor on 24-hour call in this town!

Melinda Zoomont: Well.. maybe I’ll do the scene – but not until I meet the man face-to-face.

[ sound of motorcycle can be heard ]

Director: That sounds like Clint’s Harley.

Clint Weston: Damn those helmet laws – who needs ’em, huh?

[ everyone is happy to see Clint as he enters the set ]

Director: Hey, Clint! [ they shake hands ]

Clint Weston: How about the gazombas on that make-up girl, huh? Boy.. I know the old wife wouldn’t be pleased with that comment, but hey – just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu, right guys? [ notices Melinda ] Oh.. uh.. excuse me. Just a little guy talk there!

Director: Clint, this is Melinda Zoomont, your leading lady.

Melinda Zoomont: How do you do?

Clint Weston: Oh, how do you do? You don’t have to introduce me to television’s sexiest star!

Melinda Zoomont: Well, uh.. I think we’re running a bit late. Shall we do the scene?

Director: Right you are, Melinda. We’ll knock this off as soon as you get out of make-up, Clint.

Clint Weston: Okay, right-o! [ approaches the make-up chair, sits down ] Hey, how about handing me the paper, huh? I want to check the stats on my Raiders. [ flips papers around, notices article about Liza Minelli and Judy Garland ] Oh, my God! Why doesn’t she leave the poor woman alone!

Make-Up Girl: Are you alright?

Clint Weston: Of course, I’m alright! It’s just that Raiders secondary!

Make-Up Girl: Who’s the secondary?

Clint Weston: Oh, uh.. those are the guys that, uh.. go.. uh, uh.. both ways.. [ gets up, returns to the set ]

Director: Uh.. you got your dialogue?

Clint Weston: Uh.. yeah.. yeah.

Director: Alright, come on over here, we’ll just talk you through this. Okay, now, Clint, you propose a toast to your little scheme, you share a glass of wine, you gaze into each other’s eyes, you kiss passionately.. then you take off your clothes, and you get into the hot tub. Got it? Uh.. can we hear that hot tub!

Voice: Hot tub!

Director: That’s 180° in there, so you two should be quite comfortable.

Clint Weston: Can you believe we’re getting paid to do this!

Melinda Zoomont: Another day, another $10,000.

Clint Weston: [ laughs ] Stop it! We’ve got a scene to do!

Director: Could we get a censor in here? I’ve got a question about this kiss here?

Censor: [ enters set ] Yeah, what can I do for you?

Director: Oh, Ted, hey how you doing? Uh, listen, Ted, how passionately can we make this kiss? Uh.. we got sweeps coming up, I need a little help here.

Censor: I tell you, there hasn’t been much kissing lately, so.. just about anything is okay with us. Now, as long as we don’t see any tongue, a little bulge in the cheek.. [ demonstrates ] ..or this, that’s alright. But we can’t see any of this..

Director: Okay. Thanks, Ted, I owe you one, buddy! Okay, let’s rehearse this – Clint, Melinda, from the top! Alright, roll it.

Voice: Speed.

Voice: Sound.

Director: Action!

Melinda Zoomont: My husband has the same routine every day. If you follow my instructions, it should be child’s play.

Clint Weston: Angel, I want you to know – I’m not just doing this for the money..

[ a light falls from the set, crashing into the hot tub, freaking Clint out ]

Melinda Zoomont: Wait a minute! You’re gay!

Clint Weston: Yes, I’m gay! And now you all know. Art, you can fire me if you like, but I can’t go on living a lie.

Director: Clint, I admire your guts. And I think you should know that.. I’m gay, too.

[ so is everyone else ]

Clint Weston: [ to Melinda ] Living out this little charade, you know, was not our choice. It was a matter of survival! But I suppose you wouldn’t know anything about that!

Melinda Zoomont: Well.. actually.. I do have a confession to make. And I do understand you. [ pause ] I’m an intravenous drug user.

[ everyone groans ]

Director: Well.. shall we do the scene, then?

Melinda Zoomont: [ considering ] Alright.

Clint Weston: Wait a minute! No way am I gonna kiss an intravenous drug user! Get my agent!

Director: Take five, everybody! Clint!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 1

85a: Madonna / Simple Minds

The Limits of the Imagination

Nancy Duncan…..Madonna
Killer…..Jon Lovitz
Floating Head…..Randy Quaid

FADE IN:

OUTER SPACE

HUNDREDS OF TINY STARS

A FLOATING HEAD, with curly hair and glasses, looks directly at us.

Floating Head: The Limits of Imagination.

SUPER: THE LIMITS OF IMAGINATION

INT. CAR – NIGHT

The camera pans down on a white car telephone cord. The telephone rings.

Nancy Duncan: Hello.

Killer (V/O): Hello, Nancy?

Nancy Duncan: Who is this? And why are you calling me?

[ A dial tone. Nancy hangs up the telephone. She wipes her right cheek. The telephone rings again. Nancy bits her lower lip and darts her eyes left and right. She answers the telephone. ]

Nancy Duncan: Hello?

Killer (V/O): I can see you Nancy!

Nancy Duncan: Please, please, stop bothering me!

[ The killer’s voice cackles and hangs up. Nancy follows suit. The telephone rings. Nancy hesitates for some time then answers. ]

Nancy Duncan: Stop it! Stop it! I can’t take it anymore!

Sgt. Tidrow (V/O): Miss Duncan? This is Sergeant Tidrow. We’ve managed to trace the calls — they’re coming from inside the car.

[ Nancy gasps. She glances at all the car’s doors and hits the accelerator. ]

EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT

A stoplight turns red. Nancy careens her car to an abrupt stop and hits her head on the steering wheel. She checks herself.

Sgt. Tidrow (V/O): Miss Duncan? Miss Duncan? Are you hurt?

Nancy Duncan: No Mom, I’m all right… It’s the car.

Sgt. Tidrow (V/O): Yes… the car… it’s all right. I want you to get out of the car and see if you have engine trouble. Act naturally and don’t make any sudden moves.

Nancy Duncan: All right, I will. Goodbye Mom.

[ Nancy hangs up the telephone. She steps out of the vehicle and approaches the hood. She opens it. A stocky, well-dressed, bald with patches – THE KILLER – lunges his arms towards Nancy. Nancy screams. The killer has control of Nancy and holds her down on the hood. ]

Killer: I got you, Nancy!

[ The car’s truck pops open. The floating head, now attached to his full body wearing a sandy blazer, tie, and black slacks, arises with a cigarette in his mouth and a revolver in his right hand. He fires three shots at the killer, who’s choking Nancy. The gunshots subdue the killer as he falls dead to the ground. Nancy rushes to the floating head and embraces him. He holds her close and faces the camera. ]

Floating Head: A beautiful woman. A psychotic killer. Perhaps you’ve seen it before. You may see it again, the next time we reach — “The Limits of Imagination”.

[ The floating head escorts Nancy back to her car. ]

SUPER: THE LIMITS OF IMAGINATION

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Where You’re Going

Yuppie #1…..Randy Quaid

[ A group of yuppies sit around a table in a fancy restaurant, drinking ]

Yuppie #1: I gotta make a toast. Here’s to a guy who just sold his condo for five times what he paid for it!

[ rapid-fire scenes of yuppies living it up amongst the less-privileged, driving a Ferrari, pushing people aside in the streets, etc. ]

Jingle:
You want more than the rest
You just won’t take second best
You’ve never been number two
And you’re gonna get the things the world owes you.

Where you’re going, you’ve always known it
Where you’re going, you’re on your way.

[ Champagne glass reads “Where you’re going” ]

Where you’re going..
YOU’RE GONNA PAY!

[ Champagne glass now reads “HELL” – all the yuppies are howling andscreaming in Hell ]

Announcer: Yes, you’re going to Hell. For the life of false values, empty ambitions and raw greed, you’ve earned the agony of eternal torment. You’re going to burn, no doubt about it.

[ SUPER: “A message from Almighty God.” ]

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 1

85a: Madonna / Simple Minds

Drug Testing

…..Brandon Tartikoff
…..Anthony Michael Hall

Brandon Tartikoff: Hello, I’m Brandon Tartikoff, president of NBC Entertainment.

(applause)

In a few moments, the second decade of Saturday Night Live will begin, and all of us at NBC are excited that Lorne Michaels, the show’s creator and original producer, is back at the helm. As you may be aware, Saturday Night Live has had, in the past, some problems with … well, there’s no other way to put it … drugs.

(One audience member cheers)

You know, smoke, weed, toot … snow … glue. I could go on and on. We at NBC tried many methods of dealing with drug use on the show, after my own idea, the Honor System, failed so badly. Well, to assure you, the viewer, that this will be a clean show, I am announcing tonight a new network policy of random urinalysis testing for all cast and crew of the new Saturday Night Live. So as not to stigmatize the performers on this show, NBC will imply this procedure on all of our programs. From the actors on Miami Vice — except those who play the criminals — to Punky Brewster, to Meet the Press.

(displays a tray with urine samples in NBC logo plastic cups)

Now as you can see, eight of the new cast members have already completed testing tonight, and we are waiting only for the last member of the group, Anthony Michael Hall. As soon as he returns with his test, the show can begin. (waits around, looks at watch) … Well, a policy is a policy. Ah — there he is now.

(Anthony emerges in a bathrobe, and shakes Mr. Tartikoff’s hand as he turns in his sample.)

Anthony Michael Hall: I’m sorry this took so long.

Brandon Tartikoff: That’s all right. Congratulations, Michael. (puts the sample on a tray)

Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Brandon Tartikoff: Um, Michael, if you’ll just uh, recite the network pledge, we can make this all official. (hands him a card)

Anthony Michael Hall: … Right.

(He holds up his right hand as he reads the pledge.)

“I, Michael Hall, swear to remain drug-free as long as I am associated with this network. And if I make a mistake, or freak out, it will not be because there are any chemicals in my body.”

Brandon Tartikoff: Well done, Michael.

Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, thank you.

(They shake hands again.)

Brandon Tartikoff: You know, even though you’re just 17 years old, I understand that you’ve been doing this kind of thing for quite awhile.

Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah, well, I’ve been giving specimens since um, since I first got chicken pox.

Brandon Tartikoff: Right. Well, uh, you may start the show.

Anthony Michael Hall: Thank you, Mr. Tartikoff. (the camera goes in on him as he says, with defiance) “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts

Critic

Victor LaSalle…..Jon Lovitz
Waiter…..Damon Wayans
Actress…..Nora Dunn
Newspaper Editor…..Randy Quaid

[ opens on Victor LaSalle typing at his desk ]

Announcer: Greg Sharnell is Victor LaSalle, movie critic for the nation’s most influential newspaper.

[ shows building, newspaper is titled THE DAILY TRUMPETER ]

[ logo CRITIC is typed on screen ]

[ opens on high-class buffet in fancy restaurant ]

Announcer: In a world where no one pays for his own dinner, Victor LaSalle stands alone.

Waiter: Champagne, caviar, Mr. LaSalle?

Victor LaSalle: No. I cannot in good conscience accept food and beverage from a motion picture studio.

[ logo CRITIC is typed on screen ]

Announcer: The passion. The pathos. The honesty. The despair.

[ Victor Lasalle is seen dining at a restaurant, someone reads newspaper with headline “Actress bites big one” by Victor LaSalle. Actress criticised in the article looks angrily at Victor, walks over to his table, and throws wine at his face. ]

Never before have the torments of movie critics been so vividly portrayed.

[ Victor is talking with another critic in a bar ]

Other critic: Most of us critics go into it for their own reasons. We so desperately want to be a part of show buisness, and yet we have no talent. So out of sheer envy we criticise the honest work of real artists, while secretly wishing all the time we were writing the scripts, or directing, or acting.

[ logo CRITIC is typed on screen]

Announcer: Ripping the lid off the corruption, the hypocrisy of the movie industry.

[ newspaper editor storms angrily into Victor LaSalle’s office ]

Newspaper Editor: Are you insane? You can’t pan a movie that was financed by the corporation that runs this newspaper!

[ newspaper article is held up, with headline “Megacorp Movie Bites Big One” by Victor LaSalle, the person reading the article turns out to be the head of Megacorp ]

Megacorp Head: [ into his cell phone ] Unplug that S. O. B.’s word processor!

[ logo CRITIC is typed on screen ]

[ protesters march around the Daily Trumpeter building, holding signs that say “TRUMPETER UNFAIR TO MOVIEGOERS”, “BRING BACK LaSALLE”, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT MOVIE TO SEE” ]

Protesters: Bring back LaSalle! Bring back LaSalle! Bring back LaSalle! [ repeatedly ]

Announcer: An extraordinary picture about an extraordinary man. The critics are raving:
[ reviews show up on screen, announcer reads reviews ]

“I loved this…film.”-JUDITH CRIST

“I laughed, I cried.”-JOHN SIMON

“I stuffed my face.”-ROGER EBERT

[ credits show up on screen ]

Rated PG-13. Children and stupid people should be accompanied by anintelligent adult.

[ fade out ]

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts