Cabrini Green: What’s happening? My name is Cabrini Green-Jackson. Um.. I’m an international spokesmodel. Not like the spokesmodels on “Star Search” – they ain’t about nothing! Um.. my full name is Cabrini Green-Harlem-Watts-Jackson. I’m a Libra, my favorite sport is running, I’m in tenth grade, I’m 17 years old, and I have two children. I speak for teenage mothers, I speak for just-about-to-be-mothers, and for don’t-wanna-be-mothers – I been all three!
So, I’ll never forget this one day – I was at home, my momma was fixing some corn bread, black-eyed peas, cnadied yam with neck bones and some Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. I said, “Hi, Momma, you wanna hear a joke? I’m pregnant.” She said, “How did that happen?” I said, “How am I supposed to know how that happened? You never told me nothing about things like that, the school don’t teach us about things like that, you’re asking me how that happened? How’d that happen? How’d that happen?” I finally said, I said, “Momma, you know it didn’t happen when Mary got Jesus, because we not Catholic!”
But don’t get me wrong – I love my Momma, you dig? It was just that that day she was getting on my very last nerve, you know what I’m saying? But anyway, my Momma, she helped me a lot with Binky and everything like that, but I could have avoided the whole thing with Binky if I had had this.. [ holds up coloring book ] ..the Cabrini Green “I Don’t Want A Baby” coloring book. It start off with two hearts – two hearts that beat as one. It’s very romantic, because, of course, I wrote this book myself. I think it’s gonna be very big. It’s got all kinds of physical charts, scientific programs, and it also has some porno pictures, so you can know what the real deal is!
Chevy Chase: Thank you very much! Good evening! Thank you very much!
[ Chevy points to the upper left balcony portion of the audience. ]
Chevy Chase: Take him out! It’s great to be back.
Male Audience Member (O/S): We love you, Chevy!!
[ Chevy points to the same area again. ]
Chevy Chase: Out. This studio has so many memories for me… As you well know…
[ Chevy points to Stage Right. ]
Chevy Chase: For instance, I used to play little league ball in that corner over there… uh…
[ Chevy points to The Saturday Night Band. ]
Chevy Chase: Actually, my grandma used to live right up there, where the band is… years of memories… I also used to work here, quite seriously. Some of you remember it was a little show… “The Marty Nesbitt Show”; too bad about what happened to Marty.
It’s hard to believe it’s been ten years. Ten long years. To me, it only feels like 11… 11 1/2… I started doing this show 15 years ago and I’ve only been here a week.
I’ve gotten to know the cast very well. It’s a great new cast! I hope you saw last week’s show and if you didn’t, you’re going to meet them. They’re a great group of 28 kids… uh… not true. There are only about seven.
And I like them all, particularly that one guy Mark… Mark Lugar.
[ Chevy glances off camera. ]
Chevy Chase: Huh… Oh, Jon! That kid Jon… Jon Lugar.
[ Chevy glances off camera. ]
Chevy Chase: Lovitz? Jon Lovitz! Jon, come on up here!
[ Cheers and applause from the audience as Jon gets onto Home Base with Chevy. ]
Chevy Chase: Just one of the cast… One of the new kids, one of the new kids…
Jon Lovitz: Thanks for those kind words, Mr. Chase.
Chevy Chase: You’re very welcome, Carl.
Jon Lovitz: Mr. Chase, the cast wanted me to ask you if you could give us any words of advice. Anything that would help us in the future.
Chevy Chase: Certainly — when you’re having a barbeque, never pour the charcoal fluid directly on top of the charcoal. Always wait for a little bit, then lit the charcoal because then the grill will go BOOM! Then they’ll be a mess, and… always avoid leaving oily rags in the garage… that’s always a good thing.
Jon Lovitz: Can I ask you another question?
Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. I’m afraid I don’t have any more time. Thanks, Marge!
[ Jon and Chevy shake hands and Jon exits. ]
Chevy Chase: That gal is great! Stick with us. We got a great show. My musical guest is, of course, you already know — Sheila Eisenberg.
[ Chevy glances off camera. ]
Chevy Chase: Only the initial? Okay… S. Eisenberg is going to be here. It’s going to be terrific. We’ll be right back! Stay with us!
Announcer: Freedom. We expect it in America. Freedom to choose the way we meet the challenges of life. Freedom to compete, to risk, to fail, and to succeed. No resource is more precious than freedom. It enriches our personal lives, and the lives of those around us. And yet, it can be taken away, if we allow it, by the same government that can assure our personal freedom. Something to think about, from the people at Trojans.
Anouncer: Now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Don Pardo! And you know, Don, I find you so.. fresh, exciting!
Indian guru Rajneesh went back to India this week, after a plea-bargaining this week, leaving behind his disciples, the remnants of that controversial Oregan commune. Reports from our Oregan correspondent say that the disciples, seeking new leadership, have descended upon the home of ZZ Top. And security has been beefed up around the Oak Ridge Boys’ Nashville compound.
Phillipine President Ferdinand Marcos started campaigning for the January 17th election this week. So far his chances are excellent, considering he’s the only candidate. However, even that position seemed threatened yesterday, when he named Geraldine Ferraro as his running-mate.
The New York State Board of Regents, this week, voted to let high school girls play on teams with boys in contact sports. However, the girls must first be examined by a special Fitness Panel. So far, the biggest reaction is from the boys, who have given up sports and are now trying out for the Fitness Panel.
President Reagan has authorized the CIA to undermine Momar Kadaffi’s Libya regime. CIA Director William Casey affirms that the plan is to stop terrorism, not to suppot the assassination of Kadaffi. However, he did explain that James Earl Ray, Sirhn Sirhan and John Hinckley were being sent to Libya as “observers”.
The Swiss government has finally broken with its historical neutrality, by announcing today that, in the event of nuclear war, it will ally itself with.. the winner!
A radical feminist group in Washington, D.C., today, demanded that the Heimlich Manuever be renamed the Heimlich Come-On. According to the group’s spokeswoman, “There’s a lot of scumballs out there who feel a piece of beef wedged halfway down the throat is a great reason to cop a feel.” Heimlich homself could not be reached for comment, as he was participating in a nude volleyball game at Hef’s pad.
The U.S. and Soviet Union have agreed on a new treaty banning the proliferation of chemical weapons. The treaty is pending final agreement, on exactly where in New Jersey the weapons will be disposed of.
Here’s what’s happening on Wall Street this week: The Dean Jones Industrial Average plummeted 3 points, after setting a new mark on Thursday. Thank you, Dino, what a diverse talent.
General Motors announced this past week that some of its luxury cars will cost nearly $4,000 more in 1986 than in 1985. The company justified the increase by promising that the ’86 models would actually work. Take that, Toyota!
The Coca-Cola Corporation announced today that, in an effort to broaden its consumer base, it is unveiling yet another variation on the basic Coke theme – Pepsi-Coke, a subtle blend of classic Coke and Pepsi will be hitting the shleves on December 4th, just two days before the release of Pepsi Co.’s new master stroke – Coke-Pepsi.
Dennis Miller: And now, with a look at the national deficit, here’s our Uptown Financial Analyst, Damon Wayans.
Damon Wayans: What’s up, y’all? You know, just recently I watched President Reagan’s budget proposal on TV, and, after meditating on his plan, I’ve come to the conclusion that Homeboy don’t know what he’s doing. You see, Ronnie’s talking about cutting back on Social Aid. If he cuts Welfare one more time, all them flies over in Ethopia is gonna be over here. Brothers up in Harlem are gonna be like this.. [ swats pretend flies ] You see, the real problem is, we’re what’s called a “decimation”, which means we owe out a lot of money. And what baffles me is, we keep lending crazy money to foreign countries who can’t afford to pay us back! Instead of cutting ’em off, we lend ’em mo’ money! Maybe we should be more like the Russians. You see, they don’t have no trace deficit. That’s ’cause they know how to collect! [ smacks his fists ] See, if you them even one ruble for too long, Boris comes in with them tanks, and he repossesses your whole country! It might be time for us to take a firmer stand.
[ holds up picture of Uncle Sam and a consumer ] Now, this represents the owing country, and this is the U.S. I figure.. [ switches to picture of Uncle Sam punching consumer ] ..if the U.S. would, perhaps, intimidate these owing countries like this, they could start to produce some sort of payment fund. Then, maybe we could go over to the Middle East and make some mo’ money. We could sell Iraq an MX Missile for a billion dollars, boom! Turn around, sell Iran an MX for $2 billion – mo’ money, mo’ money! Let ’em blow each other up – they’re killing each other, anyway! You know? Come in, take over them oil fields – you know, mo’ money! Then we could start selling bigger and better cars for less money. Mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money!
Or, maybe we could just be a lot more careful with who we lend our money to. Back to you, baby! Dennis?
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Damon, for washing into our lives like a sweet breeze of truth. It’s kind of like having Antonio Fargus and Miltion Friedman in the same chair, huh? Well, folks, I can see the caboose, and it’s time to wrap up.. and, rest assured, I ain’t gonna play Sun City, and Vegas is probably out of the question, too. That’s the news, I’m gone!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 11: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 23rd, 1985 Pee Wee Herman Queen Ida & The Bon Temps Zydeco Band None None Pee Wee’s Tightrope WalkSummary: Pee Wee Herman’s tightrope walk between the Twin Towers results in his falling through the air. Transcript
Montage
Pee Wee Herman’s MonologueSummary: Pee Wee Herman wear various funny shoes, assigns secret names to the audience, and dances to “Tequila.”
Army: Say NoSummary: While a teenager (Anthony Michael Hall) succums to peer pressure from his friends to smoke and drink, he draws the line when they all decide to join the Army. Transcript
Locker RoomSummary: Feeling a void in his marriage, (Randy Quaid) considers going to a hooker. But his buddy, Pee Wee Herman, isn’t sure what he’s talking about.
Pee Wee Herman’s Thanksgiving SpecialSummary: Pee Wee Herman hosts an all-star Thanksgiving special. Recurring Characters: Brooke Shields, Diana Ross, Daryl Hall, John Oates. Note: Phil Hartman, who played Cap’n Carl in Pee Wee Herman’s various specials, not only co-wrote this sketch but also appears as an extra in the background. He would join “SNL” for a lengthy run the following season. Note: Former Ebersol-era cast member Robin Duke is visible in the audience during the Diana Ross performance.
The Pat Stevens ShowSummary: Pat Stevens (Nora Dunn) blithely interviews a depression expert (Randy Quaid). Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.
Die Foreigner Die!Summary: A promo for a new action movie starring Sylverster Stallone, Chuck Norris and a lot of dead foreignors!
The Pathological LiarSummary: Pathological liar Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) shares a jail cell with Pee Wee Herman, and the two swap tall tales. Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan. Transcript
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: After a falling out with the Vatican, ex-reporter Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) has started his own church and declares himself Pope Maurice. Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.
Dinosaur TownSummary: Alarmed that the owners of Dinosaur Town have gone bankrupt, Pee Wee Herman starts a campaign to find a mouse in a Coke bottle so they can use the settlement money to re-open the theme park.
Queen Ida & The Bon Temps Zydeco Band performs “La Louisiane”
Queen Ida & The Bon Temps Zydeco Band performs “Frisco Zydeco”
Miss PattersonSummary: Student Pee Wee Herman declares his love for teacher Miss Patterson (Joan Cusack), and, after much convincing, she finally reciprocates his emotions.
A Message From Cabrini GreenRecurring Characters: Cabrini Green.
Hal Fisher’s Money Magnet MethodSummary: Hal Fisher (Randy Quaid) explains how to make money in real estate by taking advantage of motivated sellers.
Pee Wee Herman: Well! I’ve had a really, really swell time hosting “Saturday Night Live” tonight, especially working with this young and talented cast – the cool band – everybody here! And we’ve got about thirty seconds left, so, uh – [ looks up at the house band ] do you guys know “Sex Machine”?
[ the audience cheers ]
Hit it!
[ the cast joins Pee Wee on stage; Jon Lovitz makes many attempts to drape a robe around Pee Wee’s back ]
Get up! [ laughs ] Get up Stay on the scene, like a sex machine!
You got to have the feeling, sure as you’re born I gotta have the feelingRight on, right on.
Take me to the bridge!
Can I have the bridge?
Take me to the bridge!
I gotta have the bridge!
Hey! The way I see it That’s the way it is! He got the ticket I got his! [ laughs ]
Stay on the scene, like a sex machine Stay on the scene, like a sex machine.
Let me hear you say: Pee Wee! Let me hear you say: Aaaaaaahhhhh!! Let me hear you say: I know you are! [ laughs ] But what am I? Let me hear you say: I love it. [ laughs ] Why don’t you marry it!
…..Pee Wee Herman Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz Guard…..Dan Vitale
FADE IN:
INT. PRISON CELL NIGHT
A GUARD opens the cell door and throws PEE WEE HERMAN in. TOMMY FLANAGAN sits on his rack.
Pee Wee Herman: Youre throwing me in prison cell with a bunch of hardened criminals!? I tell you I wont make it!!
[ Pee Wee sits on his rack. Tommy arises from his. ]
Tommy Flanagan: Hey, hey! You cant bring him in here. This is my cell! Yeah, yeah the warden said I could have it all to myself!
Guard: Shut up, you liar!
[ The guard leaves the cell. ]
Tommy Flanagan: Hey, hey I resent that! That guy calling me a liar!? I spent five years in Pathological Liars Anonymous getting cured I even took a lie detector test. I had the highest test theyd seen in fiv-ten years. Im Fla-nag-in. Tommy Flanagan. Whats your name?
[ Tommy extends his hand for Pee Wee to shake. Pee Wee shakes it. ]
Pee Wee Herman: Herman. Pee Wee. So what are you in for Tommy?
Tommy Flanagan: Oh, me? I work here yeah I just came in to take a nap.
Pee Wee Herman: Well thats a relief. At least Im not in here with a bunch of hardened criminals.
Tommy Flanagan: Oh I am a criminal.
Pee Wee Herman: I dont get it. How can you be a criminal and work here?
Tommy Flanagan: I dont know. Oh its because Ive never been caught. Yeah thats it! Im a car thijewel thief yeah I stole the Hope the Crown Jewels.
Pee Wee Herman: I didnt hear anything about that.
Tommy Flanagan: Thats because they dont know theyre missing yeah so what are you in for? Robbery? Extortion? Murder!?
Pee Wee Herman: Speeding. Yeah uh I was uh speeding away from a bank I robbed.
[ Pee Wee gives a high-pitched laugh. ]
Tommy Flanagan: Bank robber, huh? I was a bank robber when I was a kid yeah I was 12 years-old at the time yeah I used to rob five banks a day, six days a week! Then on the day of, I was a pickpocket yeah thats it.
Pee Wee Herman: I never robbed a bank when I was a kid. My mom wouldnt let me, but uh I trained my dog to do it yeah my dog could sit, roll over, and rob banks.
Tommy Flanagan: No kidding?
Pee Wee Herman: Yeah except, uh then he got run over chasing a Brinks truck.
[ Pee Wee laughs again. ]
Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah. I saw that accident. Well if you ask me, he got what was coming to him. You know, its getting hard to where you cant walk down the streets no more. Why just the other day, I was walking home from robbing Fort Knox
Pee Wee Herman: For the fifth time, I suppose.
Tommy Flanagan: Well, now youre being silly. Anyway, I was walking on my way home and all the sudden this man walks up to me and sticks a gun in my face.
Pee Wee Herman: So you killed him!?
Tommy Flanagan: No, no, I uh flipped him. Yeah thats what I did and it turned out he was a Russian spy. Yeah yeah thats it. He was the head of the K-G-B.
Pee Wee Herman: Yeah, you know, I think I remember that. I was the Presi head of the CIA at the time. Yeah!
Tommy Flanagan: No kidding.
Pee Wee Herman: No, no I wouldnt kid you. You see, I started out as a regular agent. Then, they promoted me to double agent. Then, I got shipped of to Brazil because I could speak Portuguese so good.
Tommy Flanagan: I speak Portuguese too! When Im in the mood yeah! Learned it when I was a minis bishop! Yeah Thats what I was a bishop. Yeah I was the Archbishop of Canterbury. And I went to Rome you see to convert the Pope and uh I was kidnapped by
Pee Wee Herman: Hare Krishnas!
Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! Yeah! And they got me at the airport, you know well, they, they tortured me day and night, chanting in my ear, but I wouldnt talk, you see? So I kept me in a a
Pee Wee Herman: Birdcage!
Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! They kept me for six years and they used to cut of my head every night so I couldnt escape!
Pee Wee Herman: Yeah I dont know how you could stand that! They tried to do that to me when I was the President of Ford Motors but but it nearly drove me batty.
Tommy Flanagan: Well it was the Bible that saved me. Yeah it was an exploding Bible! Yeah thats what it was! I threw it into their incense burner and it blew them up! It was raining ponytails for two weeks I tell you! You should have seen them!
[ The guard approaches the cell door. ]
Guard: Alright you two up on your feet!
[ Pee Wee dashes to the guard and grabs him by his jacket. ]
Pee Wee Herman: I wont talk I tell you! I want to see my lawyer!
Tommy Flanagan: Dont worry the guards probably here for me. Im expecting a pardon from the Governor yeah
Guard: A pardon!? What are you nuts!? They dont give out pardons for jaywalking. Your wife paid your bail youre out of here. And you as well, pal. Just watch yourself when you cross the street, next time. Cmon, cmon.
[ The guard snaps his fingers. Tommy exits the cell. ]
Tommy Flanagan: How do you like that? My wife paid my bail yeah shes Morgan Fairchild.
[ Pee Wee follows behind Tommy, trying to one-up him. The guard closes the door shut. The CAMERA zooms out for a WIDE SHOT of the set in Studio 8H. Various crew members & cameras shuffle around. ]
Air Date:
Simple Minds, “Alive & Kicking”
