Category: 1994

Pepper Boy

Marco…..Dana Carvey
Female Diner #1…..Laura Kightlinger
Male Diner #1…..Kevin Nealon
Carlo…..Adam Sandler
Female Diner #2…..Janene Garafalo
Male Diner #2…..Tim Meadows
Male Diner #3…..Chris Elliot
Male Diner #4…..Chris Farley
Manager…..Michael McKean

[ open on couple seated at table in fancy restaurant, as pepper boy Marco steps forward ]

Marco: A-fresh a-pepper?

Female Diner #1: Oh.. sure.

Marco: Alright. Say when. [ grinds pepper oh-so-sexy ]

Female Diner #1: When.

Marco: [ stops grinding pepper ] A-grazi! [ turns to Male Diner #1 ] Fresh pepper?

Male Diner #1: Just a little bit,

Marco: Alright. [ grinds pepper oh-so-sexy ] Say when.

Male Diner #1: Uh.. that’s good.

Marco: [ stops grinding pepper ] A-grazi!

[ Marco walks towards the back, where Carlo nervously awaits ]

Marco: Look, Carlo, come here! You see what I am doing with the pepper? You see what I do with the pepper?

Carlo: Yes, Senor Marco..

Marco: The people! The people they want the pepper, alright? They want the pepper! I grind the pepper! That is the job of the pepper boy, you understand?!

Carlo: Fresh-a pepper.

Marco: Yes. Very good, very good. Some day, Carlo, you will-a be a pepper boy! Now, watch. You pick up as a-we a-go, okay? Come on, now. [ approaches next couple at table, as Marco follows closely ] Fresh.. pepper?

Female Diner #2: Sure.

Marco: [ begins to grind pepper in a sexy manner ] Say wheeenn..

[ Female Diner #2 moans excitedly ]

Marco: Say wheeeeennnnnn..

Female Diner #2: When! When! [ stands up to kiss Marco on the lips ]

Marco: A-graziiiii! [ returns to Carlo ] You see? You see, Carlo? You see how the pepper works, Carlo?

Carlo: I am afraid, Senor Marco..

not be afraid of the pepper, Carlo! The pepper is your friend!Alright? Look! I see a salad! You go, you take-a the pepper. [ hands pepper grinder to Carlo ]

Carlo: [ hesitant ] No, no, no..

Carlo: You take-a the pepper, Carlo! Take-a the pepper! Take-a the pepper! Now, go! Go with the pepper.

Carlo: [ approaches table cautiously ] Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #2: Sure. Sounds good.

Carlo: [ bows ] A-grazi! [ returns to Marco ]

Marco: Carlo, didn’t you forget-a something, huh?

Carlo: Uh.. oh, yes.. [ returns to table, kisses Male Diner #2, returns to Marco ]

Marco: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Carlo! No! You make-a a mistake!

Carlo: The a-grazi?

Marco: No! That part, the a-grazi was good! But you no give-a the pepper! That’s the whole point, Carlo! Here. you watch me, alright? Here we go. Watch-a the pepper. [ takes pepper grinder and approaches table ] Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #2: Yes. I’ve been waiting quite some time for this pepper I’ve heard so much about.

Marco: Say whenn.. [ grinds pepper from behind his back ] You like-a the pepper, huh?

Male Diner #2: Wow! Very good!

Marco: You like-a the fresh-a pepper, huh? Let’s-a get some pepper in there.. let’s-a get some pepper. [ raises one leg on Male Diner #2’s chair, then places pepper grinder between his legs to grind pepper as though masturbating ] You like-a the pepper?

Male Diner #2: [ excited ] Yeahhh..

Marco: You like-a the pepper?

Male Diner #2: That’s good!

Marco: Senorita, like-a the pepper, huh? You like-a the pepper?

Male Diner #2: That’s very good, thank you so much!

Marco: [ stands behind Male Diner #2, who has his arms raised, grinding the pepper with him between the action ] Let’s-a get back over-a here. Remember, to-a say when, let’s get behind here, give-a more pepper. You like-a that, huh?

Male Diner #2: Yeah!

Marco: You like-a that, huh?

Male Diner #2: Yeahhhh!

Marco: You like-a that, huh?

Male Diner #2: Yeahhhh! Yeahhhhh! Yeah!

Marco: Alright!

Male Diner #2: Thank you very much! Your wizardry with that pepper mill really brightened my day! Here’s $200!

Marco: A-grazi! [ returns with Carlo to the back ] Now, now, now.. come here, come here.. come here, Carlo! Now, now! Let me tell you! You see what I do with the pepper, huh? You see? You got to also say “When?” and then, you also got to give them the pepper! Okay?

Carlo: When?

Marco: Yes!

Carlo: Give-a the pepper.

Marco: Yes! That’s-a very good! Very good! I be-lieve in all-a my heart, you can do this, Carlo! Now.. try again, alrght? You take-a the pepper, you try again. Let’s-a go.

Carlo: Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #3: On my chocolate mousse? No thank you.

Carlo: Say when. [ begins to grind pepper onto the chocolate mousse ]

Male Diner #3: No! [ Carlo keeps grinding ] Hey, cut it out, come on!

Carlo: Say when.

Male Diner #3: No, come on! Don’t!

Carlo: Say when!

Male Diner #3: No, come on! Come on!

Carlo: [ places the grinder between his legs, gridning the pepper toward the mousse as though he were humping the table ] Say when! Say when! Say when! Say when!

Marco: Carlo! Carlo! Carlo! [ slaps Carlo repeatedly across the face ] Carlo, I love you, but sometimes..

Carlo: I do bad things?

Marco: No, no, no, no, not everybody want the pepper, Carlo! There are rules! The man eat a chocolate mousse, he no get the pepper! Alright!

Carlo: No pepper?

Marco: No pepper! But the woman with the Caeser salad, she a-get a-the pepper!

Carlo: Pepper!

Marco: That’s right. This is the art of the pepper boy, Carlo! Don’t let it die with me! Please.. let me-a teach it to you!

Carlo: Teach me, Senor Marco.

Marco: Alright. You see the man right there. [ points to Male Diner #4, who sports a big, fat bushy beard ] Yeah.

Carlo: Biiiigggg, faaaattt bushy beard?

Marco: Big, fat bushy beard. He like-a three twists of pepper!

Carlo: Three?

Marco: Three! Now.. make-a me proud! Hah?

[ Carlo nervously zeroes in on Male Diner #4 ]

Carlo: Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #4: [ enthusiastic ] Why.. yes!

Carlo: [ apprehensively, Carlo steadies his pepper grinder over Male Diner #4’s plate ] Say.. when.

Marco: [ supportive of Carlo ] Alright.. alright..

Carlo: [ twists pepper grinder ] One.. two.. [ nervous, pauses as Male Diner #4 and Marco watch patiently ] ..three..

Male Diner #4: [ grateful ] Why.. thank you, Pepper Boy! That’s the perfect amount of pepper! Bravo!

Carlo: Grazi!

[ Carlo returns to Marco, feeling proud of himself ]

Marco: Oh, you did it, Carlo! You did it! How do you feel?

Carlo: Like I can fly, Senor! On-a wings made of pepper!

Marco: I’ve been a-waiting so long for this, Carlo! Come here! Come here! Come here! Look! Look at this!

Carlo: [ in awe ] My own pepper!

Marco: Yes! It’s for you! I love you, Carlo!

[ Manager steps into the scene amidst Marco and Carlo’s celebration ]

Manager: I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news, boys. I just bought one of these electric pepper grinders for every table in the place! [ demonstrates the whirring pepper grinder ] How about that, huh! You’re both fired! [ exits ]

Marco: This is an outrage, Carlo! We-a gonna show them! We open-a our own restaurant! Together!!

Voiceover: [ over scrolling SUPER ] “Marco and Carlo’s restaurat, Fresh-a Pepper, opened the next summer. It was an immediate success. Dishes created in their kitchen, such as the Pepper Sandwich, Steamed Pepper a la Marco, and Pepper Surprise, a big pile of pepper, made them famous. In 1993, Carlo died of pepper lung, but Marco is still alive today, in a nursing home made of oregano; they were out of pepper.”

[ fade ]

Goodnights

Ross Perot…..Dana Carvey
…..Jay Mohr
Crazy Eggbeater Head…..Adam Sandler
…..David Spade
Neighborhood Dad…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on nighttime exterior, Dallas ]

[ dissolve to exterior front door of Ross Perot’s house, as three children costumed as a mummy and a witch wander onto his porch and ring the doorbell ]

[ Perot opens the door ]

Kids: Trick or treaaaatt!!

Ross Perot: [ annoyed at the sight before him ] Trick or whaaaat?

Kids: Trick or treat!!

Ross Perot: Alright, let me get this straight: you put on a funny mask, I’m supposed to give you an Almond Joy?! Well, think again, Mummy Boy! [ slam his door ]

[ the kids simply ring the doorbell a second time, as Perot takes the bait once again ]

Kids: Trick or treaaaatt!!

Ross Perot: You again, is that it?! Okay, fine! I’ll play your little game! Now, here’s the deal: you scare me, you get a Baby Ruth! You understand?! [ examines first kid ] Now, what are you supposed to be?! Let me see, little boy! You supposed to be a ghost?! Is that it?! Well, there’s just a boy under a sheet! Doesn’t scare me at all! [ examines second kid ] Now, what about you?! Supposed to be a witch?! Is that it, you’re supposed to be a witch?! Well.. if you’re a witch, where’s your broom?!

Little Girl: We just want soem candy..

Ross Perot: [ fuming, he won’t be ignored ] I asked you a question! A witch flies on a broom! Where’s your broom?! No broom, no candy! Good bye! [ slams his door ]

[ the kids retreat defeated, but another soon appears where they once stood. They ring the doorbell, as Perot answers. ]

Kids: Trick.. or trea-ea-eatt!!

Ross Perot: Well, that is a pitiful trick-or-treat! You can’t even get together on that! Now, come on over here.. come on over here. Is this gonna go on all night? Is that the idea? [ examines first kid ] Now, what.. what the hell are you supposed to be?! I can’t make hide nor hair what this is! What is that?!

Little Boy: I’m a Powe Ranger!

Ross Perot: A Power Ranger? A Power Ranger? You think you’re a Power Ranger? Now, I know personally.. a United States Marine Corps Power Ranger – now you don’t look a thing like him! You’re disgusting! You make me sad! Get out of my face! [ moves over to examine a second kid ] Now.. that’s a werewolf! That’s scary! See, a werewolf will bite your head off, Power Ranger, whatever the hell you are! Now.. you’re a werewolf, you scare me – you get sa Butterfinger! You two, try again next week! [ slams his door ]

[ ]

Trick or Treeeeat!

I’m Crazy Eggbeater head! I got an eggbeater on my head! Now give me some candy!!

Ross Perot: [ not the least bit amused ] That is just sad! You look like an idiot with a blender coming out of your skull! Now, unless you have a pituitary problem, or some glandular condition, you gotta be at least 17! Now, when I was 17, I was pumping gas, serving the United States Navy! You got an eggbeater on your hair, begging for some candy! You see?! That’s the difference! I’m an American, proud and strong! You three are a bunch of freaks! Good bye! [ slams his door ]

Let’s do it..

Yeah..

[ they step back, and begin to pelt Perot’s front door with rotten eggs and run away into the night ]

[ Perot angrily opens the front door and hustles onto his porch ]

Ross Perot: What is that, is that all you got?! You’re gonna throw some- hey! Come on back here! I’ve gotten people out of Turkish prisons – you think a little egg on my stucco can make me run and hide?! Think again!! I’m 5-foot-6, and naturally muscular! [ strikes a macho boxing pose ] I go downstairs.. then I go upstairs.. then I go downstairs.. then I go upstairs-

[ Neighborhood Dad steps onto the porch while Perot is acting foolishly ]

Neighborhood Dad: Mr. Perot!

Ross Perot: Now, what the hell do you want?!

Neighborhood Dad: My name is Judd McAlister!

Ross Perot: Is that right?!

Neighborhood Dad: That’s right!

Ross Perot: Is that right?!

Neighborhood Dad: I live down the block-

Ross Perot: All right!

Neighborhood Dad: My son was here not twenty minutes ago! You made fun of his Simba costume – now he’s home crying his eyes out. What do you think about that?!

Ross Perot: He should go home! It was a lousy sostume, didn’t scare me a bit!

Neighborhood Dad: You threatened to put a razor blade in his apple!

Ross Perot: [ offended ] I did NOTH-ING of the SORT!

Neighborhood Dad: You didn’t?

Ross Perot: [ jumpy ] Can I finish?! Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I fin-ish?! Can I finish?! Is there a chance I can finish?! You can go on all night – can I finish, can I finish, can I finish?! Can I fin-ish?! Can.. I.. finish?! [ quick pause ] Can I finish?! Caaan.. I.. finish?! [ pause ] I can finish? you’re not gonna interrupt me? Alright. Now, do you know what a razor blade can do to a 6-year old’s gums?! You want me to paint a picture for you?!

Neighborhood Dad: [ angered ] Look, Perot.. stay.. away.. from my child! [ exits porch ]

Ross Perot: I’m not in charge here, I just do what the volunteers tell me. Sad loser! [ slam his door ]

[ more kids arrive on Perot’s porch and ring his doorbell; Perot answers the door wearing a Bill Clinton mask and a sign that reads “Draft Dodger”. ]

Kids: Trick or treeeaat!!

Ross Perot: Now, what’s the matter? You kids should run and hide! I’m Bill Clinton, the scariest man in the whole wide world! I’m gonna send you to die in a foreign land!

[ the kdis begin to cry ]

Ross Perot: [ lifts his mask ] Is that it? Is that it? That’s enough crying – I say stop, right now. Now! I’ll give you some candy. Is that what you want, then you’ll stop crying? Okay. Say “NAFTA’s bad!“, and get a piece of candy.

Kids: NAFTA’s baaaddd!!

Ross Perot: That’s getting better! Now, say “Al Gore’s an ugly idiot!”

Kids: Al Goooore’s an ugly idioooot!!

Ross Perot: I like that! You can be my little kids!

[ candy is distributed, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
… Al Franken
Hans … Dana Carvey
Franz … Kevin Nealon

[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit, sits at the WU desk andremoves the paper clip from his well-organized sheafof papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonaldand this is the news:

Judge Lance Ito this week barred all potential jurorsfrom reading Faye Resnick’s controversial new bookNicole Brown Simpson: Diary of a LifeInterrupted. The judge also barred them fromreading Faye Resnick’s other new book entitledJudge Lance Ito is a Big Fruit. …

In other book news, Prince Charles released anautobiography in which he states that he never lovedPrincess Di and that his father pressured him to marryher. The book is entitled Of Course, O. J. Did It– I Mean, C’mon! …

And the Pope came out with a book this week whichcontains a series of essays examining faith andmorality in today’s secular world and the changingrole of the Catholic Church as it approaches the 21stcentury. The book is entitled God Himself Told MeThat O. J. is Guilty. … [cheers, applause andmuch whistling]

Queen Elizabeth II visited Russia this week, becomingthe first English monarch to set foot in the SovietUnion. The visit, which will last for two weeks, isexpected to have absolutely no effect on anythingwhatsoever. [mild reaction, Norm grins and nods toindicate that that’s all there is to the joke] …[brief pity applause]

Norm MacDonald: Well, now that Election Day isjust two weeks away, here, with his report on Campaign’94, Weekend Update political correspondent AlFranken. Al?

[Cheers and applause for curly-haired, bespectacled AlFranken who wears a suit and tie. Norm shakes handswith Al.]

Al Franken: Hello, Norm. Thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Now, Al, uh, you’ve beencovering these midterm races?

Al Franken: Uh, yes.

Norm MacDonald: Any general trends seem to beemerging?

Al Franken: Uh, yes, Norm. This appears to bethe roughest campaign year ever.

Norm MacDonald: Negative campaigning?

Al Franken: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I’ve been coveringpolitics for a long time and this is, without a doubt,the most mean-spirited year I’ve ever seen. Now, takefor example, Massachusetts [scattered applause] whereSenate challenger Mitt Romney is spending millions ofdollars on attack ads like this one. Watch.

[Dissolve to ad with photo of a ruddy-faced TedKennedy accompanied by minor key music and adeep-throated, smarmy announcer’s voice over.]

Announcer V/O: On October 14th, 1978, TedKennedy is seen puking in the parking lot of the U.S.Capitol. … On February 8th, 1983, Kennedy relieveshimself on the leg of a Georgetown waitress. … Twoyears later, Kennedy passes out on the floor of theSenate, soiling himself in the process. … Kennedy –He’s a big, fat drunk. …

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve back to Al andNorm at the desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Yeah. Yeah, that wastough.

Al Franken: It’s a tough year. Tough year. …And it’s really become a no-holds barred contest. Uh,watch this. This is one of Kennedy’s attack ads onRomney.

[Dissolve to another ad with minor key music and adeep-throated, smarmy announcer’s voice over.]

Announcer V/O: [Image of Brigham Young] Mormonprophet Brigham Young believed that a man ought tohave as many wives as he wants. Apparently, MittRomney agrees. [Side by side images of Young andRomney] After all, he’s a Mormon. [Upbeat trumpetfanfare as we dissolve to a photo of Mr. and Mrs. TedKennedy.] Ted Kennedy — One Wife at a Time….

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve back to Al andNorm at the desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Okay, so Massachusetts, then,is the nation’s dirtiest race.

Al Franken: Oh, no. No, uh, I want you to watchthis one. It’s a Huffington ad run in California andthe key here is that this is run only on Christiancable stations. Watch this.

[Dissolve to a third ad with photo of Diane Feinsteinaccompanied by even darker minor key music and an evenmore snide announcer’s voice over.]

Announcer V/O: Diane Feinstein is againstprayer in school. And no wonder. She’s a Jew.…

[Dissolve back to Al and Norm at the desk, bothshaking their heads.]

Norm MacDonald: Man, that was – that – that wasugly. …

Al Franken: It was ugly. It’s an ugly year….

Norm MacDonald: Well, that has to be the mostunprincipled ad in the country.

Al Franken: You know, that’s what I thought,Norm … I saw this Pataki ad run right here in NewYork, an attack ad on Governor Cuomo. Let’s watchthis.

[Dissolve to a fourth ad, similar to the others, witha photo of Mario Cuomo.]

Announcer V/O: Mario Cuomo says he’s tough oncrime. But what Mario Cuomo will not tell you is thatin 1968, he was involved in a chainsaw massacre. …[Footage of a chain saw being switched on and someonebrutally thrusting the chainsaw into a man’s crotch]Cuomo — He’s a Murderer. …

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve back to Al and astunned Norm.]

Al Franken: That’s – That’s a negativead. …

Norm MacDonald: Man, well, at least, that’s,uh, that’s the worst one.

Al Franken: Yeah, but, uh, remember, Norm,there’s still two and a half weeks left in thecampaign. [grins broadly]

Norm MacDonald: Thanks, Al. Al Franken, ladiesand gentlemen! [Cheers and applause, Norm shakes handswith Al]

Al Franken: Thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Al Franken!

To discourage worship of the Dalai Lama, the Chinesegovernment has banned all photos of the exiled Tibetanleader, except for this photo from the 70’s. [Doctoredphoto of Dalai Lama wearing long sideburns, a loud,wide-collared shirt and a matching jacket and pantsensemble.] …

[Photo of Princess Diana standing next to a geeky,starstruck uniformed doorman] New York City doormanLenny Ladenhoff nearly fell over from shock whenPrincess Diana confided to him that she was feelinghorny … and invited him to drop by her hotel suiteThursday evening. Way to go Lenny! … [briefapplause]

Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn has announced plans for anew hotel forty-six stories high set on a seventeenacre island in the middle of a fifty acre artificiallake on the Las Vegas strip. In a related story, Motel6 now has shampoo. …

Helmut Kohl was elected to his fourth term asGermany’s chancellor this week. Experts say Mr. Kohl’ssuccess was guaranteed after he won the backing ofsinging sensation David Hasselhoff. … Which onceagain proves my old theory: Germans love DavidHasselhoff. … [applause]

Norm MacDonald: And now, here with a commentary… [crowd squeals with delight] … Hans andFranz!

[Cheers and applause for Hans and Franz, former TVhosts of an informative training program for theserious weightlifter. A vocal arrangement of whatsounds like a J. K. Emmett yodel accompanies theirarrival. They wear gray sweat shirts over theirmuscular bodies, are each missing a tooth at the frontof their mouths, and continually flex and posethroughout their commentary, which they speak withthick Austrian accents.]

Hans: All right. All right.

Franz: All right.

Hans: Yeah, thank you very much. Long time, nosee. I am Hans.

Franz: Ya! And I am Franz and we just want togive–

Hans and Franz: [clap their hands] Aneditorial! …

Hans: All right. That’s right. But first ofall, we have to apologize.

Franz: Yeah, that’s right, Hans. It must bevery frustrating for you to see our properly pumped-upbodies crammed behind this puny little desk.

Hans: Ya! You know, we came back from asabbatical and then we said, “Where’s our spaciousgymnasium?” And they said– [falters, overcome withemotion] Ya, they said–

Franz: Say it, Hans.

Hans: Ya, right. They said they threw itout!

Franz: Ya, ya, right in the garbage. Ourbeautiful gymnasium!

Hans: Life-size cut-outs of Arnold –irreplaceable! …

Franz: That’s right. All of it, gone. And theysay, “Why don’t you just do an editorial onUpdate?”

Hans: Yeah, Update — where reoccurringcharacters go to die!

Franz: That’s right. … Hear me now, we arenot here to talk. We are here to give–

Hans and Franz: [clap] Warnings!

Franz: To all the other reoccurringcharacters.

Hans: Yes, hear me now and believe me later …Enjoy your popularity while it lasts — because it allends up at this desk right here. …

Franz: That’s right, Hans. Ya, that’s right.You – you hear that, “Coffee Talk” Lady?

Hans: Ya, more like Flabby Talk Lady!

Franz: Ya, ya, the Update graveyard is calling.Yoo-hoo!

Hans: Yoo-hoo, hello, “Coffee Talk” Lady!Hello! We could crush you like a fly between ourmuscular buttocks but then you’d get all verklempt!…

Franz: Ya. Ya, and you, too, Stuart Smalley,you sensitive, pathetic girly-man. … Because you’repuny enough, you’re flabby enough and, doggone it,you’re a loser. … [cheers and applause]

Hans: Ya! Ya, that’s right, Stuart Smalley.Your muscles are so puny they don’t even register onthe Flab-o-meter. …

Franz: Ya, that’s right. Ya, believe me, if yousaw it, you would be flab-bergasted. …

Hans: That’s right. And you, too, Mr. MotivatedSpeaker.

Franz: Ya, that’s right. You might be living ina van down by the river now — but soon you will beliving in a new – in a van down by the Updatedesk!

Hans: That’s right.

Franz: Next to Hans and Franz and–

Hans: That’s right.

Franz: [to Norm] –and what is your name?Twiggy?

Hans: Twiggy Man here. [to Norm] What’s yourname, Twiggy? What is it?

Norm MacDonald: Norm. Norm, Norm.

Hans: Norm.

Franz: Next to Hans and Franz andTwiggy.

Hans: Ya! That’s right. Twiggy Man. …

Norm MacDonald: Look, guys, we really don’thave time for this. Do you have anything else tosay?

Hans: [to Norm] We don’t have time for this?What do we have time for?

Franz: [to Norm] All right. Yeah, we’re justabout finished. You know, the guy who was here beforeyou was much nicer. … [extended cheers and applause- Kevin Nealon, playing Franz, was the previous Updateanchor]

Hans: All right. Now, it’s okay. You know, weall have to have a sense of humor. [to Norm] Don’t getyour puny muscles all in a little bunch. [to thecamera] Once again, I am Hans.

Franz: Ya. And I am Franz.

Hans and Franz: And we just want to [clap] getour set back!

Hans: Thank you!

[Rousing cheers and applause milked by Hans and Franzwho flex and pose impressively.]

Norm MacDonald: Hans and Franz! Hans and Franz,everybody! [Hans continues to milk applause, much toNorm’s amusement] Hans – and Franz. [Norm sighs andstarts to read the next item but must pause to gatherhimself] The …

[Photo of teenage boy displaying a scarred leg] TheBrazilian teenager suing Michael Jackson for runninghim over with his van displayed his scars for aphotographer this week. Jackson said through aspokesman that the suit was baseless but he’d like tosee more photos. … [some groans from thecrowd]

A jury this week awarded 8.9 million dollars to a manwho said Tylenol destroyed his liver. Immediatelyfollowing the decision, Tylenol announced its newadvertising campaign: “Take Tylenol — and you justmight win 8.9 million dollars.” … [someapplause]

Well, a beef-flavored water for dogs hit stores thisweek. And dogs are eagerly anticipating the arrivalnext month of the newest water flavor: “Other Dogs’Asses.” … [cheers, applause, groans]

[Image of Dr. Suess cartoon character the Cat in theHat] And finally, in honor of the 50th anniversary oftheir first publication, Random House will bereleasing special commemorative issues of many Dr.Suess classics. The first to hit the bookshelves willbe Green Eggs and Ham and O.J. is Guilty. …[applause]

And that’s all for now. Good night!

[Music. Cheers and applause. Pull back and fade awayas Norm shuffles his disorganized mass of papers onthe desk. ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 12th 1994

Sarah Jessica Parker

R.E.M.

Bill Murray

R.E.M., “What’s The Frequenecy, Kenneth?”

Decision ’94

Campaigning Hudnut (Chris Elliot) gives his concession speech.

Sarah Jessica Parker’s Monologue

Parker’s rendition of “Tomorrow” is tailored to Democrat election losses.

Eterna Rest

Corpses rest with greater peace on more comfortable mattress.

Good Morning Brooklyn

Actor Angelo (Adam Sandler) visits, and a free karate demonstration.

Recurring Characters: James Barone, Angelo.

Nice & Naughty Guitarists

R.E.M. performs “What’s The Frequency, Kenneth?”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Gil Graham (Adam Sandler) relates bad experiences at Led Zeppelin concert.

Recurring Characters: Gil Graham.

Confucius

Even Confucius (Chris Farley) can’t satisfy fortne cookie maker (Mike Myers).

The Casting Couch

Robert Evans (Michael McKean) hits on young wanna-be actress (Parker).

R.E.M. performs “Bang & Blame”

The Munchkins

Munchkins aren’t enthused by Dorothy’s (Parker) accidental killing of Wicked Witch.

R.E.M. performs “I Don’t Sleep, I Dream”

Michael O’Donaghue Tribute

Eulogy by Bill Murray, and an encore of “Soiled Kimono” skit.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Good Morning Brooklyn

Angela Tucci…..Sarah Jessica Parker
James Barone…..Jay Mohr
Maria…..Janene Garafalo
Ant’ny…..Michael McKean
Angelo…..Adam Sandler
Richard Diller…..Chris Farley

Angela Tucci: Hello! And welcome to “Good Morning Brooklyn”! I’m Angela Tucci! Wit’ me as always, is James Barone!

James Barone: Alright. Good morning, Brooklyn. How are ya, huh?! [ audience applauds wildly ] Yeah!

Angela Tucci: Hey, James! How ya’ doin’?

James Barone: Hey, you know I’m doin’ a’ight!

Angela Tucci: You doin’ alright?

James Barone: I just said I’m doin’ a’ight! Fuggidaboutit now!

Angela Tucci: Hey, what are you on drugs, talkin’ to me like that?!

James Barone: I’m sorry! Come on!

Angela Tucci: Ah, fuggidaboutit!

James Barone: Alright..

Angela Tucci: Alright, Brooklyn.. now’s the time on the show when we go down to the street and see what’s botherin’ ya’s. We got Maria on 33rd Ave. Maria, how are ya’?

[ cut to Maria standing in front of a grafittied brick wall on 33rd Ave. ]

Maria: Yeah, how you guys doin’? Listen.. I used to work down at 31 Flavors, and my boss fired me ’cause he said my hair and nails was a health code violation. What am I supposed to do?!

James Barone: Heyyyyy, Maria.. I’ll tell ya’ what to do, a’ight? Relax! ‘Cause yor boss is a real stukach!

Angela Tucci: A marmalute!

James Barone: The guy’s a jomoke!

Angela Tucci: A hump!

James Barone: Heyyyyy, what’s this guy wantcha to be – bald?!

Together: Fuggidaboutit!!

Angela Tucci: And, Maria, because we used your question.. you win a free day of beauty at Connie De Padesta’s House Of Class!

James Barone: That’s right! A’ight, for all of you’s goin’ to work this mornin’, let’s talk to Ant’ny with the traffic report. Ant’ny, how are ya!

[ camera shifts to Ant’ny standing at the city map, just to Angela and James’ right ]

Ant’ny: Hey, I’m doin’ alright. I ain’t the doo-doo-do’s gotta drive to work this mornin’. Oh, it is bad!

James Barone: Oh, a’ight, how ’bout the Brooklyn-Queens Tunnel?

Ant’ny: Fuggidaboutit!

James Barone: Manhatten Bridge?

Ant’ny: Fuggidaboutit!

James Barone: Long Island Expressway?

Ant’ny: Fuggidaboutit!

James Barone: 59th Street Bridge?

Ant’ny: Fuggidaboutit!

James Barone: How ’bout the Williamsburg Bridge?

Ant’ny: Fuggidaboutit!

Angela Tucci: So, Ant’ny.. you’re sayin’ the traffic conditions goin’ into Manhatten are bad this mornin’?

Ant’ny: You do what you gotta do, I ain’t sayin’ nothin’!

James Barone: That’s right. That’s right. A’ight, Ant’ny, thank you. Now.. we’re gonna bring out a few guests now on “Good Morning Brooklyn!” Nobody, you know, famous or nothin’ like that.. just, you know, someone from the neighborhood.

Angela Tucci: Today’s first guest is an old friend of ours who started an acting career.

James Barone: Oh, that’s right, Angela. And he’s doin’ awesome! Last year, he got his big break when he appeared in “Sleepless In Seattle”. So, would you please welcome.. Angelo!

[ Angelo enters through the front door, looking back into the street to an unseen instigator ]

Angelo: No, you move YOUR car!! [ closes the door and sits to James’ left ] What’s up, James? You doin’ a’ight? How ya doin’, Angela?Angela Tucci: Angelo.. I understand you brought a clip from your movie. Why don’t you set it up!

Angelo: [ disinterested ] I don’t know.. Tom Hanks played this hump.. he, like, goes to New York to find this broad, or something.. I don’t know what the hell it’s about.

James Barone: Okay.. okay. Okay, Brooklyn, here’s our friend Angelo in “Sleepless In Seattle”!

[ dissolve to a clip of a helicopter camera circling outward atop the Empire State Building, dissolve back to the studio ]

James Barone: Aw, geez! Unbelievable! Look, Angelo, that was so awesome, man! [ leans close to Angelo ] Hey, listen, man: not for nothin’, but uh.. Meg Ryan’s in that movie, right?

Angelo: Yeah.

James Barone: Did you bang that broad, or what?

Angelo: What do you think?

James Barone: [ laughs ]

Angela Tucci: [ interrupting ] What are you guys talkin’ about?

James Barone: Nothin’! Shut up!

Angela Tucci: Hey! YOU shut up!!

James Barone: Hey! [ a beat ] That hurts me, Angela. [ leans back over Angelo ] I’m serious.. did you bone this broad, or what?

Angelo: Why? You wanna bang her, or something?

James Barone: [ offended ] What?! You gotta be a real jerk askin’ me something like that on my own show!

Angelo: Sorry..

James Barone: You know I’m goin’ out with Gina!

Angelo: Sorry..

James Barone: Get outta here! Fuggidaboutit! Get outta here now, before I give you a beatin’! Go, you mutt!

Angelo: [ stands and makes his way for the door, pointing back at James ] You think you’re so great, James! [ quick beat ] But you’re not! [ exits ]

Angela Tucci: That was Brooklyn actor Angelo! Remember that name, he’s gonna be big!

James Barone: He’s also gonna be dead. [ changes the subject ] Our next gust is new to Flatbush. He just moved here from Rockford, Illinoise.

Angela Tucci: He’s opened a karate school on Labonia Avenue. Please welcome Richard Diller!

[ Richard Diller enters through the front door, dressed in karate togs ]

Richard Diller: [ enthusiastic ] Hi, everybody! [ sits down next to James ]

Angela Tucci: Hi, Richard. I understand that anyone who joins your karate school.. gets a month of lessons for free! Is that true?

Richard Diller: [ happy ] Yes, it is, Angela!

James Barone: [ stunned ] Wo-ho-ho! What are you’s doin’, pal?! You ain’t gonna make no money like that!

Angela Tucci: Shut your mouth! I think it’s a nice gesture!

Richard Diller: Well, thank you, Angela! And, if you’ll just step over here, I’d like to give you a lesson right now! How do you like them apples?

Angela Tucci: Oh, Richard, that’s so nice! [ grabs her purse, and stands ]

James Barone: Whoa-ho-ho, where you goin’ now? You don’t know this guy-

Angela Tucci: Hey, what’s the matter with you? It’s a free lesson! Get off of me!

James Barone: Alright.. hey, do me a favor – go! I want you to go!

Angela Tucci: I’m go-ing!

James Barone: FUGGIDABOUTIT!!

[ Angela stands next to Richard, as he demonstrates being a mugger going for her purse ]

Richard Diller: Okay, Angela, I’m a mugger, and I’m reaching for your purse, and-

Angela Tucci: Hey! [ knees Richard in the groin, dropping him to the floor ]

Richard Diller: That’s not KARATE, you kneed me in the GROIN!!

Angela Tucci: Get outta here, you MUTT!!

[ Richard flees the studio ]

Angela Tucci: He grabbed for my purse!

James Barone: Grabbed your purse?!

Angela Tucci: Yeah!

James Barone: I’ll grab his ass!

Angela Tucci: Ah, fuggidaboutit! I took care of him!

James Barone: Alright, come on, what happened over there?

Angela Tucci: I said fuggidaboutit!

James Barone: A’ight.. A’ight, that’s all the time we have today on “Good Morning Brooklyn!” Thanks for joining us. Join us tomorrow: I get a haircut! Huh! [ laughs, then turns back to Angela ] Come on, what happened over there?

Angela Tucci: Fuggidaboutit!

Voiceover: Angela Tucci’s hair and make-up by Connie De Padesta’s House of Class.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

The Casting Couch

Robert Evans…..Michael McKean
Daniell Swalich…..Sarah Jessica Parker
Caller #1…..Laura Kightlinger
Caller #2…..Janene Garafalo

[ open on wide shot exterior of Robert Evans’ house, with title card superimposed over it ]

Announcer: Live from Beverly Hills, it’s “The Casting Couch”, with Robert Evans.

[ dissolve to interior, where Robert Evans is laughing gleefully while supposedly on the phone with one of the major celebrities he once worked with in the past ]

Robert Evans: Oh, Jack, that’s fabulous! Ha! Oh, stop it, Jack Nicholson, you’re making me laugh! [ notices the cameras ] Oh, excuse me, I’ve gotta go. Love to Rebecca and the kids! Yeah, you too, Irish! Ciao! [ hangs up, and addresses the cameras ] Hello, I’m Robert Evans: mega-producer and author of.. “The Kid Stays In The Picture”. Welcome to “The Casting Couch”. Now, each week we are visited by some of Hollywood’s loveliest and youngest new talents.. in their search for that special role that will catapult them into an actual screen appearance. [ toasts his glass ] Scone! But enough of this yattita-yattita.. let’s bring out the new stuff! I met her at Tower Records, just outside.. I helped her to find her car, and she wants to be an actress. Let’s have a big, warm “Casting Couch” welcome for.. Danielle Swalich!

[ Danielle enters and sits next to Robert Evans ]

Robert Evans: Hello, Danielle! How are you, darling? Please sit down, please! [ chuckles pleasingly ] You have some pictures for me?

Danielle Swalich: Oh.. yes, sir.

Robert Evans: Good!

Danielle Swalich: [ nervously ] I went to the man that you recommended – he charged me $750..

Robert Evans: [ in an authoritative manner ] Lesson 1, baby: Good pictures cost good money! Let’s have a look here.. [ sorts through the photos ] Ohhhh, yeah! Very nice! How old did you say you were?

Danielle Swalich: Um.. 19?

Robert Evans: Verrrry nice! Yes! so, tell me a little something about yourself.

Danielle Swalich: Well, um.. I’m an Army brat, I sort of grew up all over-

Robert Evans: [ interrupting ] Don’t sell yourself short, honey – that’s Lesson #2.

Danielle Swalich: Oh no, I wasn’t, I just-

Robert Evans: Then, Don’t interrupt the master! That’s Lesson 3. Ha ha ha ha! Would you care for some very expensive wine?

Danielle Swalich: [ not sure what to make of Robert Evans ] Oh.. sure.. thanks.

Robert Evans: I’ll pour! The butler.. [ thinknig ] ..it’s his “day off”, let’s say! [ pours the wine ] Yeahhh.

Danielle Swalich: So.. Mr. Adams–

Robert Evans: It’s Evans! Ha! Robert Evans. Ha ha ha!

Danielle Swalich: Right. Okay, Mr. Evans.. um.. wh-what is all this? I mean.. I thought that you said you were a producer..

Robert Evans: I am the producer, kiddo! “Rosemary’s Baby”, ’68; “Love Story”, ’70; “The Godfather”, ’72.. “Chinatown”, ’74.. uhhh.. the.. how about “Sliver”, ’93? Any of these ring a bell?

Danielle Swalich: [ excited ] You did “Sliver”?!

Robert Evans: [ pleased ] Yeaahhhhh..

Danielle Swalich: [ impressed ] Oh, my God! Wow! Billy Baldwin is so HOT!

Robert Evans: [ cooly ] Would you like to meet him?

Danielle Swalich: Oh, my God! Could I! Yeah!

Robert Evans: [ reconsidering ] Actually, nooo.. we’re currently involved in a bit of litigation. And I’ll tell you one thing: if that punk shows his face around here, he’s finished in this town!

Danielle Swalich: [ curious ] H-how are you gonna do that?

Robert Evans: SShhhhh.. my ex-wife is sleeping in the next room.

Danielle Swalich: Really? That’s really weird.

Robert Evans: She’s Ali McGraw, you know.

Danielle Swalich: Who?

Robert Evans: That’s right! My ex-wife is Ali McGraw – ’69 to ’72! I was also married to actress Camilla Sparr, ’65-’66; and former Miss America Phyllis George! [ pleased with himself ] Ah ha ha!

Danielle Swalich: Who?

Robert Evans: That’s right, Phyllis George! Hmm hmm hmm!

Danielle Swalich: [ with a “Whatever” look on her face ] Alright, I believe you?

Robert Evans: Hmm.. good! It’s good to beieve. Let’s, uh.. let’s take some calls from the public, shall we? [ turns on the phone lines ] Alright, you’re on “The Casting Couch”! Let’s do it!

Caller #1: Yeah.. is this Bob?

Robert Evans: Guilty as charged, my pet!

Caller #1: Bob, this is Amber. We met at the cleaners. I did your show, and everything..

Robert Evans: Er-riiiiight..?

Caller #1: Well, you know, you said you might have a part for me in your new movie? Well.. i-it’s been, like, a month.

Robert Evans: A month! A month! Let me tell you a story.. [ turns to Daniell ] You should like this, too. When Francis Coppolo showed me the first cut of “The Godfather”, it was only twen-ty-three-min-utes long. I wouldn’t have shown this to my dog. I personally recut this film into the classic work of genius that it is today!

Danielle Swalich: [ desperate to escape ] Should I leave?

Robert Evans: No, no, no, no! We’re screening “Urban Cowboy” at six!

Danielle Swalich: [ confused ] “Urban Cowboy”? Is that a movie?

Robert Evans: It’s a classic, darling. [ back to the phones ] Alright, you’re on “The Casting Couch”! Talk to Daddy!

Caller #2: [ a soft whisper ] Hello, Bob..

Robert Evans: [ chuckles gleefully ] Oh, ho ho, yes, my pet, what can I do for you!

Caller #2: [ ferociously clears her throat, now speaking in a louder, rougher tone ] Excuse me, hi! I’m Dr. Rosalyn Beck, I’m in the oncology ward ar Sears Sinai. I was just flipping through the channels, and I noticed your face.

Robert Evans: [ pleased ] Thank you!

Caller #2: Listen, this is important – I really think you should have your skin looked at immediately! I’m seeing signs of melanoma, I’m seeing first-class lesions-

Robert Evans: Let me tell you about first class, Dr Lady! When Francis first brought me “The Godfather”, he wanted to do it as a plaaay. I said, “It’s a movie, or I walk!“

Danielle Swalich: [ more anxious to leave ] I really.. I really have to go-

Robert Evans: No, no.. don’t go, don’t go.. please. Did you hear the doctor? She said that I might be ill. I need you, Beth!

Danielle Swalich: It’s Danielle.

Robert Evans: No, no! Lesson #4: It’s Beth! All the big stars change their name to Beth!

Danielle Swalich: Like who?

Robert Evans: [ thinking quickly ] Sharon Stone? She was in “Sliver”, did you see her?

Danielle Swalich: Yeah, sh-she was good..

Robert Evans: And you! You, Beth, you’ll be even better in “Sliver 2: The Slivering”!

Danielle Swalich: W-w-w-what do you want me to do, anyway?

Robert Evans: [ leans in ] I want us to get closer.

Danielle Swalich: [ seeing the light ] You want to sleep with me?

Robert Evans: [ unashamedly ] Yes!

Danielle Swalich: [ stern ] No. [ leaves ]

Robert Evans: [ to the camera ] We’re about out of time here, on “The Casting Couch”. Remember, if you’re in the Los Angeles area and you’re an attractive woman between the ages of 18 and.. 19. Send me a picture of yourself. Either washing a car wearing cut-offs, or standing on a ladder wearing one of those tuxedos like Judy Garland used to wear. See you next week on.. “The Casting Couch”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Decision ’94

News Anchor…..Kevin Nealon
Hudnut…..Chris Elliot
Mrs. Hudnut…..Laura Kightlinger
Mickey Rourke……Jay Mohr
Rick James…..Tim Meadows

[ open on “Decision ’94” title card ]

[ dissolve to News Anchor at the news desk ]

News Anchor: Welcome back to “Decision ’94”. The Republican tidal wave continues to roll, and we are now able to declare a winner in the Montana Second Congressional Race.. [ show to election results card, showing Hudnut with 7% vs. Crane’s 93% ] ..where, with 2% of the precincts reporting, it is clear that the Democrat incumbant, Bob Hudnut, has suffered a stunning defeat at the hands of his Republican rival, carnival ride manufactuere Dan Crane. Let’s go now to Hudnut Headquarters, where the nine-term Congressman is about to make his concession speech.

[ dissolve to Bob Hudnut Headquarters, Hudnut taking the podium amongst his supporters yelling “Hudnut! Hudnut!” as Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” is heard in the background ]

Bob Hudnut: Thank you, thank you! Thank you all!

Man In Crowd: We love you!!

Bob Hudnut: [ chucking ] Oka-ay! Well, thank you! Well ,the polls closed about a minute ago, and uh.. I just phoned Dan Crane to congratulate him.

[ the crowd awwws ]

Bob Hudnut: Let’s have none of that, he’s our congressman now.

Man In Crowd: Noo!

Bob Hudnut: No, yes he is. The people have spoken.

Man In Crowd: No, they HAVEN’T!

Bob Hudnut: Uh, sir.. please, please.. if you could just stop..

Man In Crowd: OKAY!

Bob Hudnut: Well.. uh, it’s been a long and hard campaign, and uh.. I gues I made some mistakes!

Man In Crowd: No, you didn’t!

Bob Hudnut: No, sir, this is hard enough.. as it is, if you could. Uh.. one mistake, I’ll tell you right away, was not to answer some of those negative ads! Geez, like the one my opponent ran, showing that murdered nun next to a picture of me smiling with my thumbs up! Yeah, that one was a little much, but.. uh.. still, I wish him well. He’s.. our congressman now.

Man In Crowd: No, he ISN’T!!

Bob Hudnut: Sir, yes he is!

Man In Crowd: I’m from another district!

Bob Hudnut: Oh.. okay. Sorry. [ short pause ] I’d like to, uh.. thank my good friend President Clinton, uh.. for coming out here to this district, uh.. a record fifteen times. Uh.. to get the faithful out. And, uh.. boy, Hillary, I-I know we could not have gotten 7% without her.. so, big thanks there. Also, to all the celebrities that have come out here to Montana to help in the, uh. election here. Some of them are here tonight. Mickey Rourke, come out here. [ haggard Mickey Rourke stumbles up to the podium ] Godo guy. And singer Rick James, right over here. [ Rick James steps up to the podium ] And these towo guys right here really supported my prison reform plan to rehabilitate violent criminals, and get them back on the street as soon as possible. [ Mickey and Rick make out with Hudnut’s wife, and kiss and hug on him as well ] So, uh.. thanks, guys, I appreciate that, I really do. Alright, that’s.. more than enough.. thart’ll do it for me. Okay. And, of course, I do want to thank Michael Dukakis, who uh.. could not be here tonight, because he’s back east doing one more push for Mario Cuomo. So, good luck, guys, I hope that works out.

Regrets? Uhhh.. geez, I guess I had a few! [ chuckles ] I don’t know.. I suppose I dshouldn’t have sunk all my money into print advertising instead of television. [ spins his finger on the side of his head ] That’s something I’ll just be playing over and over again up here in the weeks to come! Uhh.. I honestly just felt people read more, and.. uh.. well, the sad truth is, they watch more TV. So, there you have it.

Man In Crowd: We love you!

Bob Hudnut: Ha-okay! Thank you, sir! Uh.. but.. here now, uh. I must close and say that my career has, uh.. come to an end. Uh.. in Washington, after eighteen years. I like to think that I am proud of some things that I’ve done here. Im.. I know that, wherever I go, whatever I do, the Bob Hudnut Gasoline Surtax will always be part of your lives! and I’m going to continue to fight the good fight against the NRA right here in Montana! So, you can always count on me for that!

So, uh.. in closing, please remember, uh.. Bill Clinton, in ’96! [ laughs ] Thank you, and, uh.. oh! You know there is just one more.. big regret.. uh.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Eterna-Rest

Woman…..Janene Garafalo
Spokesman…..Michael McKean
Man…..Chris Elliot

[ open on couple looking over the casket at a memorial service ]

Woman: I don’t know, she just doesn’t look comfortable.

Spokesman: Maybe it’s the mattress.

Together: The mattress?

Man: Gee, I didn’t know there was that big a difference betwen coffin mattresses.

Spokesman: Obiously, you’ve never heard of Eterna-Rest.

Together: Eterna-Rest?

Spokesman: Eterna-Rest’s unique posture coil system adjusts to the contours of your loved one’s body, providing support where it’s needed most. But that’s just the beginning of the Eterna difference. [ demonstration shows the body decomposing ] Because, as your loved one decomposes, Eterna-Rest keeps adjusting, and Eterna-Rest knows that no two bodies decompose in exactly the same way. Even as skeletal remains shift and collapse, Eterna’s patented inner-coil conforms and supports, so your loved ones can rest in peace.

Together: [ together ] Rest in peace.. [ they laugh ]

[ SUPER: “Later” ]

Woman: She looks so serene.

Man: Thanks to Eterna-Rest.

Spokesman: And don’t forget new Eterna-Rest casket air freshener. [ places one in the casket ]

Woman: Does it last forever?

Spokesman: Well.. no. Just through the period where it would really stink.

Announcer: Eterna-Rest. We keep working, even though you’re dead.

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Sarah Jessica Parker

Sarah Jessica Parker: Thank you, I had such a great time. I want to thank REM! And every single cast member! Thank you! All these people – thanks, I hope you had fun!

[ Michael Stipes removes his giant sunglasses and hands Sarah Jessica Parker a bouquet of flowers; his giant hat is removed by ?? and placed on the head of Chris Farley ]

SNL Transcripts

Nice & Naughty Guitarists

…..Sarah Jessica Parker
…..Michael McKean
…..Adam Sandler
Stacks…..Tim Meadows

Sarah Jessica Parker: [ addressing the audience directly ] This is a song about love, and what it means to me.

[ Michael McKean appears on acoustic guitar, playing a soft romantic melody ]

Michael McKean: [ singing ]
Giiiiirl
We’ve been together for so looooong
Our love’s so very, very strooooong
I’m so glad you’re mi-i-iiiine.

Sarah Jessica Parker: [ singing ] Iiiiiii’d..

Together: [ singing ]
I’d do anything for yoooooou
I’ll always be your true bluuuuuue
We’re forever in loooooove

Michael McKean: [ singing ]
Love is sharing
Knowing someone’s caring, for yooooou.

Sarah Jessica Parker: [ singing ]
Tonight, you have to go away
Though it’s only for a day
It’s a hard.. thing.. to doooo.

Michael McKean: [ singing ] But my heart will be with yoooou.

[ Michael steps back, as Adam Sandler steps in to a hard-rocking beat ]

Adam Sandler: [ singing ]
You call me about 8:30!
Said he’s gone, and you’re feeling dirty!
You are like a monkey in heat!
I’d better bump it to the sugar sweet!

I’m gonna give it to ya good!

Sarah Jessica Parker: You gotta give it to me good!

Adam Sandler: I’m gonna give you the wood!

Sarah Jessica Parker: Yeah, your wood’s real good!

Adam Sandler: I said, Oh yeah!

Sarah Jessica Parker: Oh, yeah!

Adam Sandler: I said, Uh huh!

Sarah Jessica Parker: Uh huh!

Adam Sandler: I said it’s gonna feel all right!

Sarah Jessica Parker: Yeah, do me all night!

[ Adam backs off, as michael steps back in with a softer beat ]

Michael McKean: [ singing ]
Oh, Iiiiii..
I picked a flower for yoooou
A daisy kissed by morning dewwwww
How I cherish your looove

I’m going to the store
I’m walking through the door
But I’ll be back before you knoooooow

Sarah Jessica Parker: [ singing ]
Don’t be away too long
I’ll try hard, to stay strong
For I know.. our love.. will grooooow.

Michael McKean: I know my love, I knoooow.

[ Michael steps back again, as Adam Sandler steps back in to a hard-rocking beat ]

Adam Sandler: [ singing ]
Now he’s just walked out the door!
So I’m coming back for more!
You’re screaming, “Give it to me quick!”
I’m dreamin’ on the floor
That you’re lyin’ there more!
‘Cause I’m the one they call Daddy Long-Sneaker!

I said Hell, yeah!

Sarah Jessica Parker: Hell, yeah!

Adam Sandler: I said, Rock me, baby!

Sarah Jessica Parker: I’m rockin’ you, baby!

Adam Sandler: Just give me five or ten!

Sarah Jessica Parker: And we’ll do it again!

[ Adam backs off, as Michael steps back in with a softer beat ]

Michael McKean: [ singing ]
Thoughts of yoooou
Always fill my heeeeeead
Even though you don’t share my beeeeed
Soon we’ll be together as oooooone

Together: [ singing ]
Iiiiiiiii
I don’t mind waaai-ting.
‘Cause we’re both ant-i-ci-pat-ing
Our lovely wedding day.

[ Michael steps back again, as Adam Sandler steps back in to a hard-rocking beat ]

Adam Sandler: [ singing ]
Well, I love it when you talk!
Dirty to me with your legs wrapped around my back!

Now, I’d like to introduce ya to someone I know!
A guy who works at Midas, name’s “Stacks”!

Sarah Jessica Parker: Will he give it to me good?

Adam Sandler: He’s gonna give it to ya good!

Stacks: I’m gonna give ya the wood!

Sarah Jessica Parker: Yeah, like a good boy should!

Adam Sandler: I said, Uh-huh!

Sarah Jessica Parker: Uh-huh!

Adam Sandler: I said it’s real good stuff!

Sarah Jessica Parker: I can’t get enough!

[ Michael steps into the action ]

Michael McKean: What the hell’s goin’ on?!

Sarah Jessica Parker: I thought you were gone?!

Michael McKean: What do you two jerks have to say?!

[ a beat ]

Adam & Stacks: [ singing ]
We were just having fun
Please, put away your gun..

All: I guess there’ll be no weddiiiing.. daaaaay…

[ guitar licks to fade ]

SNL Transcripts