Category: 1994

“Hi, Bob!”

…..Bob Newhart
…..Dave Wilson
…..Michael McKean
…..Chris Elliot
…..Chris Farley
…..Ellen Cleghorne
…..Norm MacDonald
…..Tim Meadows
…..Al Franken
…..Laura Kightlinger
…..David Spade
…..Adam Sandler
…..Jay Mohr
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Janene Garafalo

[ open in the back halls of Studio 8H, where Bob Newhart looks over the script for the next sketch. Stage Manager Joe Disco stands next to Bob. ]

Bob Newhart: Uh, Joe, how much time before the next sketch?

Joe Dicso: Uh.. you’ve got a couple of minutes, uh.. I’ll come and get you. [ exits down the hall ]

Bob Newhart: Great.

[ Michael McKean walks past Bob ]

Michael McKean: Show’s cookin’, Bob!

Bob Newhart: Thank you, Michael.

[ cut to Chris Farley and Chris Elliot a few feet down the hall, watching Bob with intense anticipation ]

Chris Elliot: Come on! Come on!

Chris Farley: Say it! Say it!

[ cut back to Bob, as Ellen Cleghorne walks past ]

Ellen Cleghorne: Hey, good show, Bob.

Bob Newhart: Thank you!

[ cut to Chris Farley and Chris Elliot looking agitatedly towards Bob and the people walking past him ]

Chris Farley: Come on, what’s wrong with these people?!

Chris Elliot: Come on!

[ cut back to Bob, as Norm MacDonald walks past ]

Bob Newhart: Hi, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: Hi, Bob!

[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who seem pleased by the exchange they’ve heard and quickly down a shot from a table filled with shots ]

Chris Farley & Chris Elliot: Yes!!

[ cut back to Bob, as Tim Meadows walks past ]

Tim Meadows: Hey, Bob. Have a good show, man.

Bob Newhart: Thank you.

[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who quickly down another shot each ]

[ cut back to Bob, as ??, Al Franken, and Laura Kightlinger walk past one at a time ]

Hey, Bob.

Al Franken: Hi, Bob!

Laura Kightlinger: Hi, Bob.

[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who quickly down three shots in unison. An NBC page steps forward with a full tray of shots. ]

Chris Elliot: Uh.. we’re gonna need more.. more of those. Keep ’em coming..

[ cut back to Bob, as David Spade walks past ]

David Spade: Bob! Hi!

[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who glance at one another for a ruling, then decide to down the shot after all ]

[ cut back to Bob, as, first Adam Sandler walks past from one direction, then Jay Mohr walks past from another direction ]

Adam Sandler: Hiii..

Jay Mohr: Bob!

[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who aren’t sure what to make of that exchange. Elliot puts down his shot glass and removes his copy of the “Hi Bob” Rule Book from his pocket. He and Farley glance quickly at a page Elliot opens at random, then they nod their heads and down their shot. ]

[ cut back to Bob ]

Kevin Nealon: [ off-screen ] Bob!

Bob Newhart: Oh.. hi!

[ Bob walks over to Kevin, now standing just a few feet in front of Farley and Elliot ]

Kevin Nealon: I’ve just got to say – it’s a real honor to have you here.

Bob Newhart: Well, thank you very much.

Kevin Nealon: Yeah, it’s great.

Woman: [ walks past ] Hi, Bob! Nice show!

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot, making their antics noticeable to Bob ]

Bob Newhart: Thank you, Merle. (?) [ looks over at Farley and Elliot ] Ke-Kevin.. what are, what are Farley and.. and Elliot.. doing back there?

Kevin Nealon: Well, I think they might be playing that game – you know, “Hi Bob!”?

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: Oh.. really? “Hi, Bob!”?

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Kevin Nealon: Yeah. But you must get that a lot, huh?

[ Man in a cow costume walks past ]

Man in Cow Costume: Hi, Bob! Good show!

Bob Newhart: Uh.. I guess I’d better go talk to them. [ he walks over to Farley and Elliot ] Hi, fellas.

Chris Farley: Hi..

Chris Farley & Chris Elliot: Hi, Bob!

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: Are you, are you by any chance playing.. “Hi, Bob!”?

Chris Farley & Chris Elliot: ..Nooooo!

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: Look, guys, I know you’re playing “Hi, Bob!”

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: I mean.. I’m very flattered that you enjoy the old show, but I.. I want you to know I don’t approve of the game. I hate the idea of people driving around drunk because of “Hi, Bob!”

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: But, at least, if you’re gonna play, you have to know the rules! You only drink when someone else says, “Hi, Bob!”

[ Janene Garafalo steps up ]

Janene Garafalo: Hi, Bob.

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Janene Garafalo: Listen, can I talk to you for a second?

Bob Newhart: Yeah, sure.

[ Janene and Bob step off to the side a little ]

Janene Garafalo: Look, uh, you know I’m a really big fan of yours, but I just can’t believe that you’re encouraging these guys to play “Hi, Bob!”

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: Janene, excuse me – I didn’t invent “Hi, Bob!” —

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: — and I.. I didn’t ask anyone to play “Hi, Bob!” tonight!

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot; Elliot suddenly spews and begins to lean in on Farley and teeter to the floor ]

Bob Newhart: [ notices the display behind him ] I man, i-if it were up to me, I’d have it banned!

Janene Garafalo: Listen – forgive me, Bob, but I have a hard time believing you don’t have something to do with the game “Hi, Bob!”

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Janene Garafalo: Are you proud of yourself? Take a look, here’s your handiwork! you know, people at home who are playing this would have done 24 shots by now!

[ Chris Elliot begind to crawl toward Bob ]

Bob Newhart: Oh.. oh, my God.. [ faces the camera ] Uh.. look, for those of you watching at home, especially in the fraternity houses – don’t leave the dorm room, just STAY where you are!

Chris Elliot: [ stands and wraps his arms around Bob ] I love you! I love you! [ kisses Bob on the cheek ]

Bob Newhart: [ mortified ] I’m so sorry..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

The Evaluation

Employee Relations Officer…..Bob Newhart

[ open on exterior, United States Postal Service ]

[ dissolve to interior, Employee Relations office ]

[ the camera’s point-of-view acts as the role of the employee who enters the office. The Employee Relations Officer looks up as the off-screen employee enters. ]

Employee Relations Officer: Oh. Uh.. uh.. Davidson. Come-come in – come in and.. sit down.

[ the off-screen employee maneuvers through the room and takes his seat in front of the Employee Relations Officer’s desk ]

Employee Relations Officer: Uh.. first-first of all, let me, uh.. let me tell you that we appreciate your filling out the questionnaire. As you know, we’ve had some problems the last.. few years at the Post Office, with, uh.. well, with disgruntled employees, and.. and we’ve found that if an employee gets disgruntled enough, uh.. it-it can really get out of hand. I’m sure you remember last March when, uh.. Andy Baumgardner had that-that-that day. Uh.. anyway.. the boys upstairs came up with the idea of getting all the employees to.. to fill out these questionnaires in order to, uh.. to avoid any-any future, uh.. Andy-Andy-Andy Baumgardners. Let me jsut go over this with you.

[ Employee Relations Officer puts on a pair of glasses and glances through the questionnaire ]

Uh.. let’s see. I see you’re 46 years old, and, uh.. and divorced. Now, uh.. was that, uh.. was that.. amicable? [ camera shakes head “No” ] A real-real ugly one. Uh-huh. And you-you live alone. You-you-you enjoy living alone, do you, Davidson? [ camera shakes head “Yes” ] Wouldn’t.. wouldn’t have it any other way. [ coughs ]

I-I notice under Social Security Number, you’ve written, uh: “What’s it to you?” [ smiles ] Th-that was a.. that was a little joke, right? [ camera shakes head “No” ] It-it wasn’t. Okay.. okay, well, let’s move on. [ flips page ] Under the question “What’s your least favorite part of the job?” you wrote, uh: “Sorting mail.” Which.. seems like a kind of odd response, considering.. that you are a mail.. mail sorter.

Now, the next question, uh, “How would you describe your feelings towards the U.S. postal Service?” and you wrote, uh: “Disgruntled.” See, that’s uh.. that’s a kind of a red flag, here at the Post Office. We haven’t really had that much luck with disgruntled employees in the past. Frankly, it’s a word that we least-least like to see on our questionnaires. So, I.. won’t waste much more of your time, Davidson.

I just want to go over one more area that caused me a little concern.. It’s under the question: “What-what is the biggest complaint in your workplace?” And you wrote: “Working next to the devil.” Now, I checked the, uh.. I checked the records, Davidson, and you work beside, uh.. Sam Henshaw, who has been with the Post Office 45 years. He’s a very nice old man. Uh.. I-I guess.. I guess, I just find it hard to believe that that.. the devil has spent the last.. 45 years sorting mail. [ coughs ] Nooo.. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not calling your dog a liar, by any stretch of the imagination. The last thing that I’d like to do, uh.. uh.. you’re pretty sure that he-he is the devil? [ camera shakes head “Yes” ] Well.. I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on-on that one.

Uh, anyway.. th-that’s basically it, so I’ll-I’ll let you, uh.. let you get back to work, uh, Davidson. Uh.. [ clears throat, stands ] I just want to add that you are doing a bang-up here. Uh.. there is, there is one more, uh.. one more thing. All the postal employees are required to, you know, wear the regulation, uh.. postal uniforms. [ clears throat as the camera angle rises over him ] No. No, I think, I think you look great in the combat fatigues. It’s just that, uh.. r-rules.. are rules. Again.. just the boys upstairs. A-and, remember, this questionnaire wasn’t-wasn’t my-my idea. Again, it was.. it was the boys.. the boys upstairs. [ points to the ceiling ]

[ Employee Relations Officer makes his way to his office door ]

Yeah, right. Right. Upstairs. You just — yeah. You-you take the elevator, and.. go up one floor, and it’s the first door on the right. You can’t.. you-you can’t miss it. [ smiles ]

[ alternate camera pulls back, as we see the full set standing in front of Home Base, Bob Newhart standing at the door of the set as the cameraman who portrayed the employee’s point-of-view lowers his camera and exits the set to the calls of director Dave Wilson ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 18th, 1995

Deion Sanders

Bon Jovi

Manute Bol

Bon Jovi, “Always”

O.J. Simpson Field Trip

Recurring Characters: Judge Ito, Kato Kaelin, O.J. Simpson, Robert Shapiro, Marcia Clark.

Deion Sanders’ Monologue

Baseball Strike Solidarity

1995 Espy Awards

Bon Jovi performs “Always”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Recurring Characters: Operaman.

UFO Mission

Rappers with Simple Lyrics

Bon Jovi performs “Someday I’ll Be Saturday Night”

Perspectives

Recurring Characters: Lionel Osbourne.

Deion Meets Sick Boy

Deion Sanders “Must Be The Money” & “It’s On”

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Operaman…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you! Thank you very much. Hi, I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news.

O.J.’s pal Al Cowlings now has a 1-900 numbner. For $2.99 a minute, Cowlings will tell callers O.J. is innocent. And for $3.99 a minute, he’ll try to do it without laughing.

This week, President Clinton played golf with ex-presidents Gerald Ford and George Bush. Bush hit an old lady in the face with a golf ball, giving her a broken nose and ten stitches. But, don’t be impressed, it took him five strokes to do it, so..

A study says that pot use in high school is up sharply. [ holds up money ] Don’t I know it! Oh, yeah.. I’m joking!

According to a survey, 58% of men would have sex with a woman they disliked. Although, while having sex, they would really, really like them, and then afterwards not like them again.

Norm MacDonald: And now, here with his own look at the news, ia Operaman!

Operaman: Gracia, Norm, gracia!

[ pictured: Colin Ferguson ]
Colin Ferguson self-represento
Speaks-a well-a, intelligento
Says no guilty por train attack-oh
But jury say
Es still a wacko!

[ pictured: Demi Moore ]
Demi Moore-a salaria
12 million por next movie!
4 million for her acting
4 million for each-a booby!

[ pictured: Brad Pitt ]
Brad Pitt sexiest
“People” wrote-o
Operaman say
Recount the vote-o!

[ pictured: baseball strike article ]
Baseball scabs on opening day-a?
Just as good as reglar player
Mange your hot dog, drink-a your soda
Look at shortstop
Abe Vigoda!

[ pictured: Tom Hanks ]
Tom Hanks-o
Nominato
Second time-o
You’re a great-o
Next year vacation
Go to France-o
Give someone else
A freakin’ chance-o!

Have a bueno Presidentes Day
Big-a sales, so shop away!
Operaman bye, bye

[ roses are tossed to Operaman across the Update desk ]

Norm MacDonald: There he is! Adam Sandler. Operaman, Adam Sandler, Operaman.

In a touching Valentine’s Day gesture, a man gave his wife one of his own kidneys. Terrified, she dropped the kidney, and ran out of the restaurant screaming.

Roseanne was married on Valentine’s Day, and, gee, you know, as romantic as that sounds, I find myself far more interested in almost anything else that is going on on the face of the planet.

And finally, the Oscar nominations were announced this week, and Tom Hanks and Jodie Foster are in a heated competition in the Academy’s controversial new category: Best Retard.

Norm MacDonald: Well, that’s it! Thanks, folks, see you next week!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 25th, 1995

George Clooney

The Cranberries

None

Black History Month

Ellen Cleghorne and Tim Meadows look for heroes among a dismal year.

George Clooney’s Monologue

Clooney and a nurse (Molly Shannon) give an audience member (Tom Davis) a liver transplant.

Lexon Paradox

(Repeat) See: 10/01/94.

Seaworld

Unlucky man (Chris Farley) is splashed by whale while losing co-ed (Janene Garafalo) to handsome gent (Clooney).

Taxicab Confessions

Fares with information to hide don’t mind sharing with HBO.

Recurring Characters: Jay Leno.

The Cranberries performs “Zombie”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Confused O.J. Simpson juror (Ellen Cleghorne) hasn’t paid attention to the trial.

Clooney comments on the use of leeches on “Chicago Hope”.

Kevin Nealon delivers a commentary for people with short attention spans.

WR

Doctors keep their patients waiting endlessly.

Tales of Railroad Malfeasance

Applicant (Mark Mckinney) is asked bizarre questions during interview.

The Mack Reardon Story

The Cranberries performs “Ode To My Family”

Zagat’s

Hank (Adam Sandler) grows weary as Beverly (Chris Farley) drones on about dining possibilities.

Recurring Characters: Hank Gelfand, Beverly Gelfand.

Emory, Illinois

Abortions.

Snowbird

Karaoke king (Bruce McCulloch) is unable to perform his song during contest.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..George Clooney

George Clooney: Well, it’s been a great week. We’d love to thank The Cranberries for being here with us. We’ll see you back here. Thank you, good night!

SNL Transcripts

Black History Month

… Ellen Cleghorne
… Tim Meadows
… Chris Farley

[Graphic: a photo collage of famous African-Americanmen next to a text reading: BLACK HISTORY MONTH.]

Don Pardo: “Saturday Night Live” is proud to honor BlackHistory Month.

[Dissolve to Ellen Cleghorne and Tim Meadows, nicelydressed, seated at a desk in front of a view of a bigcity skyline. They address the camera:]

Ellen Cleghorne: Thank you. As you all know, Februaryis Black History Month.

Tim Meadows: And so we thought this would be anappropriate time to reflect upon the achievements ofAfrican-Americans over the past year. And what betterway to start … [Photo of O. J. Simpson inset overTim’s shoulder] … than with O. J. Simpson whosetrial in Los Angeles has reminded all Americans of hisremarkable achievements as a running back and acorporate spokesman for Hertz Rent-a-Car.

Ellen Cleghorne: While, on the other side of thecountry … [Photo of crazed killer Colin Ferguson]… the trial of Colin Ferguson showed how a manwithout the advantages of a legal education couldconduct his own defense and nearly pull off theimpossible!

Tim Meadows: You know, on second thought, perhaps thiswasn’t the best way to kick off the celebration ofBlack History Month. So let’s go to the world ofpolitics … [Photo of Dr. Henry Foster] … whereHenry Foster is about to become our nation’s nextSurgeon General.

Ellen Cleghorne: Yeah! [Photo of Dr. Jocelyn Elders]Dr. Foster will succeed Jocelyn Elders who was forcedto resign last December for … recommending …mastur … bation.

Tim Meadows: Also in the world of politics, in whatmust surely be the political comeback of the year …[Photo of drug-abusing mayor Marion Barry] …Washington, D.C. mayor Marion– You know, enough aboutpolitics. What about the world of sports, Ellen?

Ellen Cleghorne: Yeah! [Photo of NBA basketball playerVernon Maxwell] In sports, Houston Rockets guardVernon Maxwell showed he had the right stuff when heleft the court and went into the stands and savagelybeat a fan who– Let’s move on. [Photo of drug-abusingbaseball player Daryl Strawberry] N-n-no, let’s justskip this one. [Photo of convicted felon andheavyweight boxing champ Iron Mike Tyson] Yeah, thisone, too! [Photo of O. J. Simpson – same photo asearlier] COME ON! We already DID O. J. Simpson!

Tim Meadows: Yeah, what’s going on? I mean, why do weonly have pictures of black people who did somethingwrong, you know? What about white people who’ve donesomething? I bet you don’t have a picture of JeffreyDahmer. He was in the news. [Graphic reading: NOPICTURE AVAILABLE] Yeah. I thought so!

Ellen Cleghorne: [soberly] The fact is,African-Americans have been in this country for overthree hundred and fifty years and that’s longer thanmost white Americans. African-Americans have fought inevery one of our wars. We’ve contributed more than anyother group to American culture, language and music.

Tim Meadows: [brightening] Hey, what about music?[Photo of pedophile pop singer Michael Jackson] Next.[Photo of singer Rick James, his tongue sticking outof his mouth] Come on, now! Rick James? He hasn’t hadan album in ten years! You know, what’s next, TupacShakur? [Photo of convicted rapper Tupac Shakur]Figures.

Ellen Cleghorne: You know, Tim, when you think aboutit, maybe this wasn’t such a great Black HistoryMonth.

Tim Meadows: Yeah, this was kind of a “rebuildingyear” for black history.

Ellen Cleghorne: But — on an up note — this marksthe first time in the history of “Saturday Night Live”that two African-American cast members have opened theshow by saying, in unison…

Both: [enthusiastically put their heads together andshout] Live from New York–!

Chris Farley: [abruptly enters and puts his armsaround Ellen and Tim, interrupting] Hey, guys! What’sup?! [audience cheers and applauds for a grinningFarley as Ellen and Tim look glum and upset]

Ellen Cleghorne: What are you doing here?

Chris Farley: Nothin’.

Tim Meadows: Chris, uh, we’re kind of in the middle ofsomething, all right?

Chris Farley: I know. I got one line and I’m out of here.

Tim Meadows: Nuh uh! Not this one! Get out!

Chris Farley: [reluctantly] All right. [nasally] Eees![Farley exits with inhuman speed]

Tim Meadows: [disgusted, to Ellen] Eh–!

Ellen Cleghorne: [in disbelief, to Tim] Can you believe that?

Tim Meadows: I know. Let’s just do it.

Both: [heads together, camera zooming in on them, withgreat enthusiasm] Live from New York — it’s SaturdayNiiiiiight!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

George Clooney’s Monologue

…..George Clooney
Audience Member…..Tom Davis
Amy the Nurse…..Molly Shannon

George Clooney: Thank you! Wow! I’ll tell you, it’s a pleasure to be here tonight, as host of this show. Now, I have — [ audience won’t stop cheering, especially a pair of excited women ] Thank you. That’s my mother!

I’ve done a, uh, a number of different things as an actor.. but, obviously, I’m here tonight because of the show I do – “E.R.” [ audience cheers ] The wonderful thing about doing “E.R.” is that we’ve all been able to learn so much about medicine. We have actual doctors and nurses on the set, and we’ve gotten to visit real emergency rooms, and we’ve picked up some real medical training. I mean, if, God forbid, for some reason “E.R.” should go off the air —

Audience Member: Mr. Clooney? Uh, my wife and I are huge fans of your show.

George Clooney: Oh. Thank you.

Audience Member: And, uh.. we’re in New York now, because I’m going to get a liver transplant operation. And, uh, I’d be really honoroed if you’d perform it.

George Clooney: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t think that’s such a good idea!

Audience Member: Oh, come on!

[ the audience cheers Clooney on ]

George Clooney: I mean, I really shouldn’t do this, but, uh.. alright, sir – when was the last time you had a meal?

Audience Member: Ohhh.. it was at least six hours ago..

George Clooney: [ walks down to the audience member ] Okay. Well, uh.. [ looks offscreen ] Amy!

[ Amy the Nurse runs down, carrying a medical bag ]

Amy the Nurse: Yes.

George Clooney: This is my assistant Amy.

Amy the Nurse: Hi!

George Clooney: Amy, we’re going to do a liver transplant.

Amy the Nurse: Okay.

George Clooney: Okay. Scalpel.

Amy the Nurse: [ hands Clooney the scalpel ] Scalpel.

George Clooney: Alright, what’s your name?

Audience Member: Uh.. Bob Plate.

George Clooney: Bob. Okay. Bob, you might feel a slight little prick.

Audience Member: I know —

[ as Clooney leans over the audience member to perform the surgery, blood begins to squirt from the audience member’s chest ]

Audience Member: Oh!

George Clooney: Actually, a lot of fun for me. Forceps.

Amy the Nurse: Forceps.

[ Amy hands over the forceps ]

George Clooney: You see, on the show I play a pediatrician.. so I don’t have to tell you — clamps.

Amy the Nurse: Clamps.

[ Amy hands over the clamps ]

George Clooney: — pediatricians don’t get to do too many transplants.

Audience Member: [ with blood squirting ] Oh! There he is!

George Clooney: Alright, Bob. This liver is as hard as a rock! There we go! There we go!

[ Clooney raises the bloody liver high in the air, as Amy grabs it and stuffs it into her medical bag ]

Amy the Nurse: Oh, my.. oh..

George Clooney: Now, Bob, I probably should have thought if this earlier, but, uh.. you don’t happen to have the new liver on you, by any chance, do you?

Audience Member: Geez! It’s back at the hotel, in the mini-bar! I guess we should send someone out, or something..

George Clooney: I’ll tell you something, Amy, you would be such a lifesaver, if you told me that you still have that extra liver in your bag.

Amy the Nurse: Actually, you know, I believe that I do. [ removes the liver from her bag ]

George Clooney: Ho!

Amy the Nurse: [ pulls some papers from her bag ] Oh, oh, oh – and, by the way, here are your tickets for Phantom, and your phone messages.

George Clooney: Okay. Hang on.

[ Amy exits stage, as Clooney begins to “sew up” the audience member’s chest ]

George Clooney: Amy used to work with Tom Arnold. I’m very lucky to have her.

Audience Member: Oh! She is good!

George Clooney: Ooh, yeah! Okay. Hang on.. There!

Audience Member: Wha..?

George Clooney: [ finished ] There you go, Bob. I think you’re going to be fine. We might have to keep you here in the studio overnight – for some observation – but, u,h everything looks good!

Audience Member: You were terrific! Thank you!

[ Clooney runs back to Home Base ]

George Clooney: Alright! Well! We have a great show for you. The Cranberries are here! [ audience goes nuts with excitement ] Yeah! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Tales of Fraud and Malfeasance in Railroad Hiring Practices

Cameron Hormel…..George Clooney
Applicant…..Mark McKinney
Real Foreman…..Kevin Nealon

Applicant: Uh, hi. I came about the job for the railroad. I’m sorry I’m late

Cameron Hormel: Well, that’s okay. I just if we hire you, you won’t be late for work!

Applicant: [ laughs politely ]

Cameron Hormel: I’ve been looking over your application, and everything seems to be in order. I just have a few questions for you.

Applicant: Okay.

Cameron Hormel: Okay. Have you driven a train?

Applicant: Uh.. no, sir.

Cameron Hormel: Do you think you could get in a train locomotive and just by, moving the switches and levers at random, make the train move down the track.

Applicant: [ thinks about it ] Yes, sir.. I believe I could.

Cameron Hormel: Mmm-hmm. At a high rate of speed?

Applicant: I’d certainly give it a try, sir.

Cameron Hormel: And then do you think that you could stop the train, again just by moving the levers at random?

Applicant: I believe so.

Cameron Hormel: Would you be willing to strike things that are on the track, like cars?

Applicant: That is no problem, sir.

Cameron Hormel: And after you stop the train, would you be willing to tell people you took the train without anybody’s permission?

Applicant: Yes, sir.

Cameron Hormel: And start a fight?

Applicant: Uh.. with who?

Cameron Hormel: Anybody qho might be there.

Applicant: Uh.. sure. I think I could handle that.

Cameron Hormel: Do you think that you could drive a train over a cliff and live?

Applicant: Uh.. yes, sir. I think I could.

Cameron Hormel: Would you be willing to relocate to the midwest?

Applicant: Oh, I love the midwest!

Cameron Hormel: Would you just go somewhere we told you, and wait there until we contacted you again?

Applicant: Well.. that is no problem, sir!

Cameron Hormel: Even if you didn’t hear from us for years?

Applicant: If that’s what the job called for.

Cameron Hormel: Do you smoke?

Applicant: No.

Cameron Hormel: Would you?

Applicant: Uh.. sure.. I could do that.

Cameron Hormel: Would you smoke a lot?

Applicant: Uh.. as much as you need, sir..

Cameron Hormel: Mmm-hmm. Can you operate a crane?

Applicant: no, sir.

Cameron Hormel: Well, that’s good! Because we don’t want anybody swinging those cranes around! [ pauses ] Do you have any gumballs or hard candies?

Applicant: I have a Jawbreaker.

Cameron Hormel: Could I have it?

Applicant: Uh.. sure!

Cameron Hormel: Do you ever have one of those days, where you just wake up and you think, “What am I doing on this planet?”

Applicant: Uh.. yes, sir.. many times!

Cameron Hormel: And then you think, “You know what I’m gonna do? I’m just gonna go down to the railroad yard and kill my boss!”

Applicant: [ laughs ] Sure do! Uh.. wait.. no?

Cameron Hormel: No?

Applicant: No.

Cameron Hormel: No’s good. Would you be willing to change your religion?

Applicant: Beg pardon?

Cameron Hormel: You’re a Christian, aren’t you?

Applicant: Yes, sir.

Cameron Hormel: Would you be willing to publicly renounce Jesus Christ as your Savior?

Applicant: Uh.. gee.. I don’t know..

Cameron Hormel: Quickly.

Applicant: Yes! Yes, I could, sir!

Cameron Hormel: Are you familiar with ants?

Applicant: I’ve seen ’em in the movies!

Cameron Hormel: Would you be willing to let ants bite you?

Applicant: Yep! Yep, I think I could do that!

Cameron Hormel: Mmm-hmm. So, how many ants would you let bite you?

Applicant: [ thinking ] As many as it takes, sir!

Cameron Hormel: Well, alright. I think everything’s pretty good here..

[ the Real Foreman enters the office, appalled by the discovery of the stranger in his office ]

Real Foreman: Hey! What are you doing in here? [ Cameron Hormel shoves everything off of the desk, then quickly runs out of a back entrance ] Hey, hey! Hey!

Announcer: This has been “Tales of Fraud and Malfeasance in Railroad Hiring Practices”. Brought to you by Granny’s Tomato Sauce – other sauces are thin and watery, and should go to hell; and by Screw You Pal Tires – if you can find a better pair of tires, screw you, pal.

[ EPILOGUE ]

[ over SUPER ] “Railroad foreman impersonator Cameron Hormel was convicted of seventeen counts of fraud and malfeasance in railroad hiring, and was sentenced to the maximum penalty the law allows, which is no penalty.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 14

94n: George Clooney / The Cranberries

Snowbird

The Singer….Bruce McCulloch

[Opens with a man lying in bed in his underwear. Alarm clock sounds. The man turns it off and gets up from bed. A blue jacket hangs in the middle of the room. The man picks it up.]

[Cut to the man dressed with the blue jacket in front of the mirror. He practices hand movements with confidence. Karaoke music fades in. This man is The Singer.]

[Cut to the Singer up on stage in a Karaoke nightclub singing Irene Cara’s hit “Fame”. A single teardrop falls from his eye.]

The Singer: [singing badly but with confidence and passion] Fame! I’m gonna live forever, I’m gonna learn how to fly, high! I feel it coming together, people will see me and die! Fame! I’m gonna make it to heaven…

An intense man smokes a cigarette in awe of The Singer]

Intense man: The kid’s good.

The Singer: …light up the sky like a flame! Fame! I’m going to live forever! Baby, remember my name, remember, remember, remember!

Intense man: Used to be me.

[The crowd applauds. The Singer comes off the stage and stands next to the Intense man smoking a cigarette]

Intense Man: Good song.

The Singer: Thank you.

Intense Man: You’re gonna stick around? You might win the prize.

The Singer: No. I’m not in it for the glory.

[Cut to a later performance of The Singer singing Irene Cara’s “Fame” again]

The Singer:[singing badly but with passion] Don’t you know who am I? Fame! I’m gonna live forever….

[Four cowboys are in the crowd watching The Singer. They drink beers.]

The Singer:[sings] I’m gonna learn how to fly! High! I feel it coming together…

[Cut to a bored bartender. She stirs a celery into a Bloody Mary. The Singer sits at the bar with her]

Bartender: Hi.

The Singer: Hi.

Bartender: You’re on deck.

The Singer: Good.

[Irene Cara’s “Fame” plays. The Singer is disturbed.]

The Singer:[whispers] That’s my song.

[A good looking black woman sings the song beautifully]

Black Woman:[sings] Baby look at me, and tell me what you see…..

Bartender: So, what song are you doing today?

[The Singer thinks the names of songs. “Flashdance?” “Lady in Red?” “Ben?”]

The Singer: “Snowbird”.

Bartender: “Snowbird”, really?

The Singer: “Snowbird”

[The Singer leaves with a disturbed look in his face. The Singer walks up on stage and switches the Karaoke machine to a country sounding song, “Snowbird”]

The Singer: [sings horribly] Beneath that snowy mantle, cold and snow…..clean.[Bartender grimaces]The unborn grass lies waiting for this cold to turn green.[Keeps singing horribly and out of beat with the song]If I could fly….I’d fly! [The crowd is silent]Take me back with you, for when it came that day….[The Singer looks down on the Karaoke machine with panic on his face]….untrue…..that he’ll only break my heart again should I decide to stay….the one I love forever is….[looks down at the Karaoke machine then at the crowd with panic and embarrassment.]

[The crowd is silent]

[The Singer makes a couple of awkward hand movements. Puts the mic down and walks off stage]

[The Singer lies in bed in his underwear just like in the begginning.]

[The Singer cries bitter tears]

The Singer: I’m no good.[cries]

[The camera moves up from The Singer in bed and focuses on the back of the blue jacket. “Snowbird” plays faintly in the back. An image materializes in the back of the jacket. Its an image of a bird flying.]

[fade]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts