Category: 1995

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Acting Class

Bobby Coldsman…..Phil Hartman
Brian…..Chris Kattan
Female Student…..Cheri Oteri
Kelley…..Molly Shannon
Jane…..Nancy Walls
Male Student…..Tim Meadows
Troy…..Will Ferrell

[ open on Bobby Coldsman’s acting class ]

Bobby Coldsman: Okay, guys. On your mark, get set.. [ the students stretch their arms out ] Live that way.. live that way. Okay, let’s start the class! [ the students pull in their arms ] This is the halway point in the 12-week course. Who am I?

Tim: Bobby Coldsman!

Bobby Coldsman: What was I in? Troy.

Troy: Uh.. “Fantastiks”!

Bobby Coldsman: Kelley. What else?

Kelley: “Fiddler on the Roof”!

Bobby Coldsman: Brian, what showed the world my range as an actor?

Brian: The Pringles commercial!

Bobby Coldsman: Good! Hey, hey, hey! “If you’re not five minutes early..”

Cheri: “..you’re five minutes late!”

Bobby Coldsman: Nice. Last week you were told to set aside at least five hours a day observing human behavior. If you didn’t do it, it’s your loss. If you did, congratulations! Troy, talk to me!

Troy: Uh.. yes, Bobby! I spent five-and-a-half hours watching a homeless lady..

Bobby Coldsman: Shut up! Get up! What are you working on?

Troy: [ jumps to the front of the class ] Uh.. I’m working on my weakness, which you said last week was voice and diction. So I thought I would sing “A Whole New World” from Disney’s “Aladdin”.

Bobby Coldsman: Good. Alen Menkin, a good friend of mine. You’ve got music?

Troy: No.

Bobby Coldsman: Good! Go!

Troy: [ singing ]

I can open your eyes.

Take you wonder by wonder..”

Bobby Coldsman: Stop! Who are you?

Troy: I’m Aladdin.

Bobby Coldsman: I don’t know. Are you?

Troy: Yes, I am.

Bobby Coldsman: No, you’re not. You’re Troy!

Troy: I’m Troy?

Bobby Coldsman: Look at this. [ sways his hands backwards and front ] This is something.. this is nothing, this something.. this is nothing, this is something.. this is nothing. Kelley! Who is he?

Kelley: Aladdin! Troy! Aladdin!

Bobby Coldsman: Shut up, you’re not listening! Brian, who is he?

Brian: Troy!

Bobby Coldsman: Good.

Brian: Aladdin? Troy!

Bobby Coldsman: Good! [ to Troy ] Sit! Brian, get up here. [ Brian stands up ] Quick story. Important story. A good lesson. A good friend of mine, David Hassellhoff – “Knight Rider”, “Baywatch”, “Batwatch Nights”, the list goes on.. five years ago, David calls me, five a.m., he’s been crying. He’s got a tough scene in which his car, Kitt, refuses to jump a bridge. David doesn’t know how to play the scene. I take the red out of Burbank. I say to him.. [ motions his hands again ] ..this is something.. this is nothing, this something.. this is nothing.” Five minutes later, he nails the scene! [ class sighs ] Jane, what’s your weakness!

Jane: Uh.. rejection!

Bobby Coldsman: Get out of here! Go home! [ solemn, Jane exits the class ] Brian! Weakness?

Brian: Uh.. emotion.

Bobby Coldsman: What are you working on?

Brian: Uh.. “Dead Man Walking”, where Susan Sarandon is watching Sean Penn being executed.

Bobby Coldsman: Don’t tell me about it! Do it! [ Brian holds his hand up ] You’re dying.. you’re dying.. you’re dying.. Focus, Brian! This isn’t “Scent of a Woman” – you’re not blind. Focus. Focus. Do you love your mother?

Brian: Yes.

Bobby Coldsman: No you don’t.

Brian: No..no, I don’t.

Bobby Coldsman: Yes you do!

Brian: I do..

Bobby Coldsman: Keep the hand up! Keep the.. sit down. [ Brian sits, still holding his hand up ] Brian’s young, he’s good.. but I’m gonna have to work with him in private. Hey, listen up! I’m gonna say one thing, and I’m only gonna say one thing – pilot season! That’s all I’m gonna say. Kelley, what’s your weakness?

Kelley: Um.. working with props.

Bobby Coldsman: What are yourking on?

Kelley: Um.. telephone with a beverage.

Bobby Coldsman: Good. Quick note: I don’t like women. They shouldn’t be in the business. Alright, go.

Kelley: [ stands up and does her act with a phone and a beverage ] Hello? No, I just walked through the door, why? [ sips ]

Bobby Coldsman: Stop! What are you drinking?

Kelley: Water.

Bobby Coldsman: No, you’re not. It’s buttermilk. Go!

Kelley: [ improvises ] Hello? No, I just walked in the door, why? [ sips and gags as though it’s buttermilk ] She is?

Bobby Coldsman: Stop! Kelley, you scare me. Why are you so scary?

Kelley: Because I..

Bobby Coldsman: Don’t answer! Why are you so scary?

Kelley: Because I..

Bobby Coldsman: Don’t answer! Why are you so scary? [ Kelley pauses ] no answer. Good. Sit down. Troy! Who are you?

Troy: I’m Aladdin!

Bobby Coldsman: Good! Brian! Sean Penn’s stil dying! Keep that hand up, up, up! God work! Okay, everybody.. 20-minute mirror exercise. [ points to class members ] You’re a mouse. You’re a rock. You’re a tree. I’m gonna get a quick latte with Gordon Jump. I hope when I come back, I see future stars. See you in ten.

[ Bobby exits the classroom, as the students maintain their exercises to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Judge…..Nancy Walls
Cirroc…..Phil Hartman
Jury Foreman…..Will Ferrell
Prostitute…..Molly Shannon

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “One hundred thousand years ago, a caveman was out hunting on the frozen wastes when he slipped and fell into a crevasse. In 1988, he was discovered by some scientists and thawed out. He then went to law school and became.. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

Jingle: “He used to be a caveman,
but now he’s a lawyer.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer!”

Announcer: Brought to you by.. Lawn Destroyer – when you don’t even care anymore; and by Cubic Yard of Earthworms – what you do with it is your business; and by Wilson Ear Drill – we don’t recommend that you use an ear drill, but if you insist, why not get the best! And now, tonight’s episode of “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”.

[ open on interior, courtroom, the Judge banging her gavel ]

Judge: Mr. Cirroc, are you ready to give your summation?

Cirroc: [ stepping out] It’s just “Cirroc”, your Honor..and, yes, I’m ready. [ approaches the jury box ] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’m just a caveman. I fell on some ice and was later thawed by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes when I fly to Europe on the Concorde, I wonder, am I inside some sort of giant bird? Am I gonna be digested? I don’t know, because I’m a caveman, and that’s the way I think! When I’m courtside at a Knicks game, I wonder if the ball is some sort of food they’re fighting over. When I see my image on the security camera at the country club, I wonder, are they stealing my soul? I get so upset, I hop out of my Range Rover, and run across the fairway to to the clubhouse, where I get Carlos to make me one of those martinis he’s so famous for, to soothe my primitive caveman brain. But whatever world you’re from, I do know one thing – in the 20 years from March 22nd, 1972, when he first ordered that extra nicotine be put into his product, until February 25th, 1992, when he issued an inter-office memorandum stopping the addition of that nicotine, my client was legally insane. And, for that reason, I ask that you fine him.. not guilty. Thank you.

Judge: The jury will now retire to deliberate.

Jury Foreman: [ standing ] Your Honor.. I don’t think we need to retire. Cirroc’s words are just as true now as they were in his time. We find the defendent.. not guilty.

[ the jury applauds Cirroc ]

Judge: Did you hear that, Mr. Cirroc? [ no answer ] Mr. Cirroc?

Cirroc: [ watching a basketball game on a tiny TV ] I’m sorry, your Honor. I was watching the tiny men trapped inside this strange modern device! [ smiles maliciously to the camera ]

Announcer: “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer” has been brought to you by.. Chili-B-Gone – soothes eyes inflamed by chili spray; and by Spider Whistle – spiders come crawling when you start blowing, also works on certain ants. Next time, on “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”..

[ cut to Cirroc in bed with a prostitute, smoking a cigarette ]

Cirroc: I’m just a caveman, your world frightens and confuses me. And I don’t understand why I should pay you $200 for what we just did.

Prostitute: You always say that.

[ Cirroc leans back and laughs, as the scene freezes ]

Announcer: Next time, on “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Phil Hartman’s Monologue

…..Phil Hartman
…..Tim Meadows
…..Lorne Michaels

Phil Hartman: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you, it’s great to be back on “Saturday Night Live.” I spent 8 years as a cast member on this show; I did 153 episodes; played 518 characters; wore 627 wigs – 50 of which were some personal business I do in the privacy of my own home.. The point is – I’ve seen a lot of monologues, and, believe you me, the monologue can destroy a man. It’s the most difficult part of the show. Matthew Broderick did one, and had to spend two months in a halfway house; Steven Seagal did one, and.. you’ve seen what he’s like now. But as for me, I relish a challenge! Because after all the hundreds of voices I’ve done, I finally get to use my own voice. Now I have the chance toplay the one person I’ve never played before – myself! So, here we go.

[ speaks, but a deep voice slips out ] You know, I was born in a small town.. [ coughs ] Excuse me.. [ tries again, but a squeaky voice pops out ] I was born in a small town.. [ suddenly breaks apart ] I can’t do this! I don’t know who I am..! [ runs off stage ]

[ cut to the hall outside the studio, past Tim Meadows ]

Tim Meadows: Phil!

Phil Hartman: Don’t look at me! [ runs to his dressing room ]

Tim Meadows: Phil! [ runs after him ] Phil! [ stands outside Phil’s dressing room ]

Phil Hartman: Leave me alone!

Tim Meadows: Come on, Phil, I know you’re in there.

Phil Hartman: [ talking to his mirror inisde his dressing room ] Phil can’t finish the monologue.. because I don’t know who Phil is.. Who are you?!

Tim Meadows: You’re Phil Hartman! You’re one of the best sketchperformers this show has ever had! You’re one of my idols!

Phil Hartman: Of course I am. I’m so much better than you are. But this is different, don’t you see?! Hiding behind wigs, fake noses and false bosoms.. that’s easy! What’s hard is playing the one character I’ve never had to play – myself! Who am I!

Tim Meadows: I’ll tell you who you are – Phil Hartman!

Phil Hartman: [ mocking ] Phil Hartman! I’m 47 years old.. I’m41 years old! But I don’t know who Phil Hartman is!

Tim Meadows: Look, I’ll tell you who Phil Hartman is. He’s the guy who let me stay in his apartment when I first came to this show. The guy who fed me, gave me hope! That’s who Phil Hartman is!

Phil Hartman: That wasn’t me! That was Kevin Nealon!

Tim Meadows: Oh, right.. Kevin Nealon, yeah..

Phil Hartman: If you don’t even know who I am.. how am I supposed to know?

Tim Meadows: Look, Phil.. would McDonald’s – America’s #1 fast food chain – pay you $1 million to bw its spoeksman if there was no Phil Hartman?

Phil Hartman: [ interested ] Go on.

Tim Meadows: Listen – would the Cheeto’s Corporation stake theirreputation on Phil Hartman if they didn’t know who Phil Hartman is?

Phil Hartman: Of course not. It’s Cheetos.. the cheesiest cheese snack there is!

Tim Meadows: Right! And would Cary’s Big & Tall Shop of Muncie,Indiana choose you to be their Dress slacks spokesman if there was no Phil Hartman?

Phil Hartman: That’s a regional spot. How did you see that?

Tim Meadows: I told you – you’re my idol! Now, look, Phil, most of all, would I be here if I didn’t know who Phil Hartman is?

Phil Hartman: You’re right.. Who is this?

Tim Meadows: It’s Tim Meadows!

Phil Hartman: Tim?! You’re still on the show?! Look.. I’m sorry I was never nice to you when you were on the show. I already had a pre-existing relationship with Chris Rock, and..

Tim Meadows: Look, Phil.. You got a show to do. Now get out there!

Phil Hartman: [ weeping ] I can’t do it, timmy, I can’t..

Tim Meadows: You can, and you will! And if you won’t do it for yourself, do it for the rest of us who’ll never get the chance to host the show. Do it for the Anthony Michael Halls.. the Nora Dunns.. Hell, do it for Joe Piscopo!

Phil Hartman: [ steps out of his dressing room and hugs Tim ] You’re right. I am somebody! I’ve got a monologue to do! [ cooly saunters down the hall, where he encounters Phil Hartman, Nancy Walls, Chris Kattan, Mark McKinney, and members of the writing staff, who they begin to clap for Phil as he approaches Lorne Michaels ] Lorne, I know woh I am now. I’m ready to host your show!

Lorne Michaels: Go get ’em, Bill.

Phil Hartman: Phil.

Lorne Michaels: Right.
Phil Hartman: [ returns to home base triumphantly ] The Gin Blossoms are here! And I am proud to be your host! My name is Phil Hartman!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

The Roxbury Guys

Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell
Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan
Passing Female…..Cheri Oteri

(open on China Club – Captain Hollywood Project’s “More & More” begins to play)

(interior of the club, people dancing to the music, the crowds part and Steve & Doug Butabi are revealed drinking at the bar, they begin to simultaneously bop their heads back and forth)

Doug Butabi: Wanna dance?

(Steve tries his luck and walks towards someone)

Steve Butabi: Hey, you wanna dance? No? Okay Okay. (takes a swig of his beer)

Doug Butabi: (another try) Hey hey hey hey, over here, huh? (motions to himself offering to dance) No? All right.

Steve Butabi: (another try) Hey! Do you want to dance? No?

(They both ask at the same time and go back and forth asking “Him? Me? No? Him? Me?” as they point to one another – Doug puts his beer down and goes into what he thinks is dancing, only to get rejected again, Steve follows suit)

(A passing female (Cheri Oteri) walks past only to be stopped by the brothers)

Both: Oh yeah, Baby!

(They both begin to bounce her off one another – “dancing” with her as she tells them no)

Passerby: I don’t want to dance! I don’t want to dance! I don’t want to dance! Bathroom!

(She runs off)

Both: Score! Yeah, all right! (They high five each other as the crowds come back into frame and the scene ends)

Submitted by: Benjamin LaBaron

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Uncle John

Sound Technician #1…..Chris Kattan
Sound Technician #2…..Jim Breuer
Uncle John…..Phil Hartman
Fantasia…..Tim Meadows

FADE IN:

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

Two SOUND TECHNICIANS are seated by a sound mixing board.

Technician #1: Okay.

Technician #2: What the hell? Where is Uncle John?

Technician #1: He’s late as usual.

UNCLE JOHN, An elderly man in glasses, cardigan & khakis, saunters into the recording booth, holding a mini ice chest.

Uncle John: All right boys – let’s do it.

Technician #1: Great… Uncle John.

Technician #2: We were worried about you. You were supposed to be here at ten.

Uncle John: Now, now, young fellas… now let’s not judge Uncle John. I’ve been doing these commercials for some 20 odd years.

Both technicians work the controls on separate boards.

Technician #1: Okay. Let’s lay down a track. Uncle John’s Buttermilk Flapjacks. Anytime you’re ready.

Uncle John rises to the microphone.

Uncle John: Howdy! I’m Uncle John and folks around these parts don’t really catch on to loud cars or pushy people-

A CAN OPENING IS HEARD OFF-SCREEN.

Technician #1: Hold on – we’re picking up the sound of a can being opened. Uncle John, are you drinking in there?

Uncle John’s chugging hard on a canned beer.

Uncle John: Oh, come on boys. What are you, the sobriety police? Come on; give old Uncle John a break.

Technician #2: Okay. Let’s try this again. Ready Uncle John?

Uncle John nods.

Uncle John: Howdy! I’m Uncle John and folks around these parts don’t really catch on –

Uncle John’s tapping hard on the podium in front of him and METAL CUTTING are heard in his booth. He lowers his head onto his podium and holds one nostril shut.

Technician #2: What a second! Cut! Cut! Uncle John, what’s going on in there?

Uncle John rises from his podium, face covered in cocaine.

Uncle John: What?

Technician #2: Uncle John! What the hell!?

Uncle John: Just a little booze. No harm, no foul.

Technician #1: Oh my God! Uncle John!

Technician #2: All right. Let’s just take this from the top. Let’s just do this.

Uncle John lights a cigarette.

Uncle John: Howdy. This is Uncle John.

Technician #2: Cut. Can you give us a little sincerity?

Uncle John: Oh, for the love of Pete!!

Technician #1: Please. Just give us something, Uncle John.

Uncle John: Now wait a second, fellas. I’ve been doing these commercials for over 20 years. I’ve been in love with Uncle John’s Buttermilk Pancakes. I get letters from children nine and younger –

Uncle John begins to sob and lowers his head down to snort another line of cocaine.

Technician #2 bangs on the mixing board.

Technician #2: Uncle John!

Technician #1: Will you just lay down the track so we can move along?

FANTASIA, a transvestite prostitute in little clothing, strolls in.

Uncle John: Oh. Hello. Fellas, this is my friend – Fantasia. Sit in there and watch how it’s done.

Fantasia makes way to the mixing room before turning to Uncle John.

Fantasia: You need a singer? Because I can sing.

Uncle John: I’m sure you can. Now get in there.

Fantasia enters the mixing room. The technicians engage in crosstalk.

Technician #1: Okay. Let’s just lay one down all right?

Uncle John (O/S): Howdy! This is Uncle John…

Fantasia starts brushing his hand in Technician #2’s hair.

Technician #2: Hey! Hey! Cut! Stop that.

Technician #2 points at Fantasia.

Fantasia: Don’t you point that finger at me, honey! I’ll cut that off.

Uncle John: Fantasia, get in here and sit with Papa.

Fantasia goes back into the recording booth not before brushing her hand again in Technician #2’s hair first. When she arrives at Uncle John, his face is covered in blood from massive nose bleeding.

Fantasia: This is what I’m talking about, Poppie. I’m going to be a star like Uncle John.

Uncle John: Okay, fellas. Let’s just do this so I can get the heck out of here.

Technician #2: Okay. Uncle John, do you know your nose is bleeding.

Fantasia: Oh Poppie – are you all right?

Fantasia lays her hand on Uncle John, who quickly removes it.

Uncle John: I’m fine!! Leave me alone.

Fantasia: Who you talking to, old man!!??

Uncle John: Shut up, you street trash!!!

Uncle John grabs Fantasia and tosses her out of the booth.

Fantasia: I’m going to tell the police about your habits, you dirty old pervert!!

Uncle John: Who’s going to believe you? You bitch!!

Uncle John returns to the podium and starts sobbing real hard.

Uncle John: You fellas ever been in love?

Both technicians have there hands over there foreheads, facing down.

Technician #2: Uncle John, if this is a bad time, we can do this –

Technician #1: Maybe we can do this later, Uncle John?

Uncle John: No!! I’m a professional…

Uncle John continues to sob.

Uncle John: Okay. Here we go. Howdy! This is your Uncle John and folks around these parts…

A ZIPPER COMING UNDONE’S HEARD OFF-SCREEN. LIQUID DISPENSING FOLLOWS.

Technician #1: What?

Technician #2: No!

Technician #1: John!

Both: No! No!

Uncle John’s urinating on the carpet below him and sobbing with no control.

Uncle John: I’m sorry… I’m sorry…

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 16

95p: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Frankenstein…..Phil Hartman
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thanks, folks! I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight: In Los Angeles this week, Lyle and Eric Mendendez were found guilty of first-degree murder. So, to review California law: killing your wife – legal; killing your parents – illegal.

In other political news, Texas billionaire Ross Perot announced this week that if his party wants him to run for President, he will. Accoridng to insiders, it is the first step of Perot’s plan to waste the last few years of Bob Dole’s life.

Yesterday, on “Rivera Live”, Kato Kaelin made the startling admission that he now thinks O.J. Simpson is guilty. Although, authorities suspect this may just be part of an attempt by Kato to crash at Fred Goldman’s place for a while.

Norm MacDonald: Well, last year, wildfires throughout the western United States destroyed an estimated 50,000 acres and over 300 homes. Now, many fear that with the new Republican-controlled Congress cutting the budgets of key Federal agencies such as the Forest Service and Army Corps of Engineers, fires this summer can be even more devestating. Here with a comment – Frankenstein.

Frankenstein: Fire bad!

Norm MacDonald: Frankenstein, everybody! Frankenstein.

Well, filming has finally begun on the long-awaited life story of Evita Peron, starring pop singer Madonna. According to the producers, the film is 100% accurate – except for the part where Mrs. Peron has group sex with the Houston Rockets.

A Minnesota woman has patented a batting helmet, that she designed for her daughter, that features a cutout in the back for a ponytail to poke through. The helmet will be marketed to young girls and damn, dirty hippies.

This winter, the state of Maine has a record 250 snowmobile accidents, most of them caused by drinking and speeding. Although, if you’re not drinking and speeding, what the hell’s the point of riding a damn snowmobile?

Norm MacDonald: Over the years, the Academy Awards have been criticized for regularly ignoring the achievements of actors, writers and directors of color. At Monday night’s Oscar ceremony, a protest will be held to draw attention to this issue. Here now, the organizer of the protest, the Reverand Jesse Jackson.

Jesse Jackson: Thank you, Norman. Monday night, the 58th Annual Academy Awards will be held in Hollywood. No matter who wins, you know as well as I know who’s going to lose! African-American nominees. It seems recently, in Hollywood, all-white films is rapidly becoming the tradition of the day. Time after time, year after year.. Tinseltown black talent is ignored and feared. From screenwriters and set designers.. from costume makers to movie ticket-takers.. from dance boys and gaffers to post-production staffers.. from the top-down and not to the bottom up! Jibbety-jibbety and rat-a-tat-tat! I said to the committee, “Why? Why Tommy Lee Jones and not James Earl Jones? Why John Huston and not Whitney Houston? Why Sir John Gielgud and not Sir Mix-a-Lot? Why Liam Neeson and not.. the little boy who played Urkel?” And Norman, I don’t mean to sound mean.. but there was not one black in “Apollo 13”. So, Academy members, let’s show some humility! Pick “Waiting to Exhale”, and not “Sense and Sensibility”! Keep hope alive!

Norm MacDonald: Jesse Jackson. And that’s the way it is, folks. Good night, and good luck.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 13th, 1996

Steve Forbes

Rage Against The Machine

None

Adam McKay

Paula Pell
Unabomber Class ReunionSummary: While in shackles, Unabomber Ted Kaczynski (Will Ferrell) attends his college reunion and meets up with old friends.

Recurring Characters: Ted Kaczynski.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Forbes’ MonologueSummary: Steve Forbes answers audience questions about his proposed Flat Tax and massive wealth.

Grayson Moorhead Securities ISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) outlines his investment principles, including keeping a list of how much money each client has invested and to feign listening to the client.

Note: Repeat from 10/21/95.

Drill Sergeant Suel ForresterSummary: Mumbly Sgt. Suel Forrester (Chris Kattan) reduces his soldiers to tears.

Recurring Characters: Suel Forrester.

NightlineSummary: A smug Steve Forbes won’t admit to having authored a slanderous tell-all book about the year’s Republican candidates.
Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Pat Buchanan, Bob Dole.

Transcript

Rita DelvecchioSummary: A college recruiter (Steve Forbes) visits Rita Delvecchio’s (Cheri Oteri) porch.

Recurring Characters: Rita Delvecchio.

Forbes on ForbesSummary: Steve Forbes’ dropout from the presidential race is bad news for his impressionist, Mark McKinney.
Recurring Characters: Steve Forbes.

Transcript

Grayson Moorhead Securities IISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) outlines more of his investment principles, including what to do if his wife cals while he’s shagging his secretary.

Note: Repeat from 10/21/95.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Fred Wolf comments on recent personalized mail requests he’s received.

Rage Against The Machine performs “Bulls On Parade”Note: To show their opposition to Steve Forbes and his politics, the members of Rage Against the Machine hung two upside-down American flags from their amps, their metaphor for the inverted nature of American democracy. SNL and NBC sent stagehands to remove the flags before their performance, and the band was then asked to leave the building at the completion of that performance. The band had also planned on performing their song, “Bullet in the Head.”

RoofersSummary: A trio of roofers (Colin Quinn, David Koechner, Steve Forbes) slack off while on the job.

Seattle TodaySummary: While examining his sketch of the Unabomber suspect, Stan Hooper (Norm MacDonald) admits to his artistic shortcomings.

Recurring Characters: Stan Hooper.

Transcript

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls the time he splashed a kid with a puddle.

Gerald TibbinsSummary: Steve Forbes gets a haircut from barber student Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins (David Koechner).

Recurring Characters: Gerald Tibbins.

Recurring Characters: Gerald Tibbins.Summary: Wartime romantic barbs between Johnny Jones (Chris Kattan) and Dottie the waitress (Molly Shannon).

Florida BugsSummary: An angry bug (Jim Breuer) yells at a motorist (Steve Forbes) for hitting his brother (Chris Kattan) with his car.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 17

95q: Steve Forbes / Rage Against The Machine

Forbes On Forbes

Mark McKinney…..Steve Forbes #2
…..Steve Forbes

Steve Forbes #2: Hello. I’m Steve Forbes, and welcome to “Forbes On Forbes”. Joining me today, as usual, is my co-host, Steve Forbes. Mr. Forbes, welcome.

Steve Forbes: It’s a pleasure to be here, Steve Forbes.

Steve Forbes #2: Well, it’s always a pleasure to debate you. But I can’t help but notice hat you seem to have gone a little crazy, and put on a yellow tie today.

Steve Forbes: I don’t know what drove me to it. I can only guess that it’s a full moon tonight!

Steve Forbes #2: [ laughs maniacally ] Well.. enough levity. Let’s get started.

Steve Forbes: Agreed. Okay, first point for debate on tonight’s show: Is the Flat Tax a good idea? Steve, I’ll let you tackle this first.

Steve Forbes #2: Well, thank you, Steve. Well, I might be going out on a limb here, but I thought the Flat Tax was an excellent plan for reforming our complicated tax system. But I’m sure you disagree.

Steve Forbes: Well, actually, I do agree with you. So, I hope there’s room for two out on that limb!

Steve Forbes #2: [ laughs maniacally ]

Steve Forbes: But, seriously, I think the Flat Tax offered an unprecedented opportunity for a simple and fair tax system for all Americans.

Steve Forbes #2: Well, I agree.

Steve Forbes: I agree.

Steve Forbes #2: Good. But that brings up an interesting point: Did this candidacy have to end when it did?

Steve Forbes: Well, reluctantly, I have to say yes. Although we put forth our ideas forcefully, I think to carry on this campaign would have been pointless.

Steve Forbes #2: Well, I have to disagree. I think the decision to end the Steve Forbes campaign was disasterous, particularly when you consider the Mark McKinney Factor.

Steve Forbes: [ confused ] The Mark McKinney Factor?

Steve Forbes #2: Yes. He’s a young entertainer on a nationally boradcast, live comedy show, who had just created a hit character of the candidate Steve Forbes, only to have you leave the race when his character was taking off.

Steve Forbes: Well, when I decided to leave the race, which was a very emotional, soul-searching time, I have to be honest – the Mark McKinney Factor was not high onour list of priorities.

Steve Forbes #2: Ah. So, are you prepared to admit that the entire Forbes candidacy was just an attempt to screw Mark McKinney?

Steve Forbes: No. No, the campaign was about bringing new ideas. New ideas about the Flat Tax..

Steve Forbes #2: [ interrupting ] Respectfully, Mr. Forbes, could you shut up about the Flat Tax? Mark McKinney is Canadian, and doesn’t even pay taxes in this country, or, at least, that’s what he’s going to be telling the IRS this year.

Steve Forbes: I think you’re being a little selfish.

Steve Forbes #2: I disagree. Do you realize how many hours Mr. McKinney spent studying videotapes, just so he could do an accurate impression of you?

Steve Forbes: Uh, well.. I thought the impression was sometimes amusing, but I’m not sure it was entirely accurate.

Steve Forbes #2: Oh, really? Well, if Mark McKinney was here, what flaws, if any, would you point out to him?

Steve Forbes: Well.. I don’t think he ever got my laugh quite right.

Steve Forbes #2: Well, how do you think Steven Forbes laughs?

Steve Forbes: [ demonstrating ] “Ha ha ha!”

Steve Forbes #2: Really? I think the laugh went more like this: [ laughs maniacally ]

Steve Forbes: Well, I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

Steve Forbes #2: Fine. Concluding remarks, Steve?

Steve Forbes: I think that we ran a good campaign, and brought many good ideas into the debate.

Steve Forbes #2: I agree. But I feel that it’s sad, that such an interesting campaign had to end on such a petty note of screwing Mark McKinney.

Steve Forbes: I’m Steve Forbes. Good night.

Steve Forbes #2: And, maybe for the last time, I’m Steve Forbes. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 17

95q: Steve Forbes / Rage Against The Machine

Seattle Today

Stan Hooper….Norm MacDonald
Mary….Nancy Walls

(Opens with Stan and Mary sitting at a news desk. Pleasant music theme plays. Seattle Today logo.)

Mary: Good morning and welcome to Seattle Today. My guest today is the composite sketch artist who drew the famous picture of the Unabomber. He works for the FBI and we´re happy to have him. Welcome Stan.

Stan Hooper: Oh, thanks Mary. Its great to be here.

Mary: Ok, Stan, why don´t you explain how you create a composite sketch.

Stan Hooper: Well, simply put, I interview the eyewitnesses, sometimes as many as a hundred people, and I question about different facial features of the suspect. From that information I come up with a composite, then I turn that over to the FBI.

Mary: Well, this must be an exciting week for you because due to your hard work the FBI has captured the man they believe to be the Unabomber.

Stan Hooper: Yeah, its a good feeling.

Mary: Ok. Lets take a look at the composite sketch you drew of the Unabomber.

(Stan brings out the famous sketch of the Unbabomber wearing a hooded sweatshirt, big dark sunglasses and a mustache)

Stan Hooper: (proud) Yeah, there it is.

Mary: Although I´m sure everyone´s familiar with it by now. And here is the picture of Ted Kaczynski, the man the FBI arrested last week. (Mary pulls out an actual mugshot picture of Ted with scraggly hair, a bushy beard and dark penetrating eyes. The sketch and the mugshot don´t look alike at all) Stan, do you think they got the right man?

Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah. That´s him. No doubt about it.

Mary: Well, the evidence certainly points that way. (Mary puts the mugshot picture away) And I noticed in the accounts that I read, that they didn´t find any hooded sweatshirts or sunglasses in Kaczynski’s cabin.

Stan Hooper: Well, that doesn´t surprise me at all. Did you know not one eyewitness I interviewed mentioned either a hood or a pair of sunglasses?

Mary: Really? Well, what did they describe?

Stan Hooper: They described a guy with scraggly hair, a big bushy beard and dark piercing eyes.

Mary: I see, well, that doesn´t seemed to show in your composite sketch here. Why you have him wearing a hood?

Stan Hooper: Um, I´m not good with hair. Hair and uh, eyes.

Mary: I see.

Stan Hooper: Yeah, you see, a good composite sketch artist knows his limitations and he uses various techniques to compensate for those limitations.

Mary: Really? What kind of techniques?

Stan Hooper: Well, for instance, as I said, the eyewitnesses all described a man with dark penetrating eyes. Now I could no more draw dark penetrating eyes than I could the Mona Lisa or a big bushy beard. So, if you look here what I did was I drew giant mirrored sunglasses on. That way, who´s to say how his eyes look like under there.

Mary: Right. And that explains the hood.

Stan Hooper: Yes. This is another technique I use. To help me avoid the whole….hair thing. (puts sketch away)

Mary: Well, I see. Now, the Unabomber has been your most famous subject but you´ve had a long career. Let´s look at some of your other work.

Stan Hooper: Great.

Mary: Uh?

(Stan pulls out a sketch of a man with a ten gallon hat and big dark sunglasses)

Stan Hooper: Yes, here we go. The first one is a…this is of a man they called “The Ten Gallon Hat Killer”.

Mary: Because he wore a ten gallon hat during his killings?

Stan Hooper: No, no. He never wore a ten gallon hat. No, the nickname came from the sketch. Interesting story about this guy though, according to eyewitnesses I spoke to, he actually had square eyes. I never heard of such a thing. Another interesting thing, never been caught. (puts sketch away)

Mary: Ok. Why don´t you tell us about this next one.

Stan Hooper: All right. Now, the next one, he´s been at large for about 20 years. This guy even shoots people at random. I´ll tell you something, very hard to catch a killer who seems to have no motive. That´s why these sketches are so very important. There we go. (brings out a very similar sketch, a guy with a big chef´s hat and big, dark sunglasses) Yeah, the press took the name from this guy, “The Chef Hat Killer”.

Mary: Because you drew him with a chef´s hat?

Stan Hooper: Yeah, that´s right. Before that they called him “The Scar”.

Mary: Why is that?

Stan Hooper: He has a huge scar on his face.

Mary: Where?

Stan Hooper: Well, its right around here. (Stan points under the hat into the forehead) You can´t see it because this oversized chef hat.

Mary: You´re not good with scars, are you?

Stan Hooper: No, no. Scars and hair and eyes are not good for me. Beauty marks I have a problem with too. Moles. Cheeks are tricky. Eyebrows…

Mary: Well, that´s all the time we have. We´ll see you next time.

Stan Hooper: ….freckles I´ve never been able to get a handle on….pimples….(Stan continues reciting his limitations)

(Seattle Today logo)

(Cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 17

95q: Steve Forbes / Rage Against The Machine

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
…..Steve Forbes
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald
Pat Buchanan…..David Koechner

Ted Koppel Voiceover: First, there was the bestseller “Primary Colors”.. and now, another book about presidential politics has been written. This time it is a “fictional” account of the 1996 Republican Primary. The book is titled “Election Colors”, and has once again been written by an anonymous author. Tonight, we take a look at this new bestselling book.

[ blend to “Nightline” opening ]

Announcer: This is “Nightline”. Reporting live from Washington, Ted Koppel.

Ted Koppel: With us tonight to talk about this new bestseller are three of the major candidates who were involved in the 1996 Republican Primary. Senator Bob Dole, Pat Buchanan, and magazine publisher Steve Forbes. Mr. Forbes, let’s start with you.

Steve Forbes: [ giddy ] Hi, Ted!

Ted Koppel: Mr. Forbes, I assume you’ve read this so-called “fictional” account of the Repubican Primary?

Steve Forbes: Yes, I have, Ted.

Ted Koppel: Then, I assume you’re familiar with this passage: [ text appears on screen ] “Millionaire Teve Torbes was a maverick candidate who had Washington insiders running scared. He also had an undeniable animal magnetism that drove the ladies crazy. It was clear Teve Torbes had it goin’ on.” Since this portrays you in such a positive light, Mr. Forbes, many people have suggested that you are the author of the book.

Steve Forbes: [ smiling ] Well, Ted, I’m flattered by your suggestion. But I didn’t write the book.

Ted Koppel: Mr. Forbes, clearly the character named “Teve Torbes” represents you.

Steve Forbes: Well, that’s one way to interpret it. I mean, the description of the character ind of fits my profile as a verile, charismatic leader of men. But, then again, my name isn’t “Teve Torbes” – it’s Steve Forbes.. which is different! Maybe it represents somebody named “Leve Norbes”.

Ted Koppel: Oh, come on! Come on! The character obviously is you! Just like “At Buchanan” is supposed Pat Buchanan, “Dob Bole” is Bob Dole, and Lamar Alexander is represented by “Lamar Alexander 2”.

Steve Forbes: Well, it seems like the author has done a very good job of disguising those names! Ted, there is one passage I find particularly interesting, if I may?

Ted Koppel: Well.. certainly.

Steve Forbes: It’s on page 42. The anonymous author writes on page 42: [ text appears on screen ] “The ladies loved Teve Torbes’ brilliant tax plan. That and the fact that he had a musky Victor Mature-like scent. no. Teve Torbes was definitely not a geek with a crooked smile. He was a babe magnet. Did I mention hos much the ladies love me, I mean him?”

Ted Koppel: Mr. Forbes, did you write this book?

Steve Forbes: No.

Ted Koppel: Senator Dole, any comments?

Bob Dole: Steve Forbes. Steve Forbes wrote the book. I recognize his awkaward prose anywhere.

Ted Koppel: Senator, I take you’ve read the book?

Bob Dole: Ah, Bob Dole’s read the book. Let me tell you osmething – the instruction manual to Bob Dole’s VCR is more exciting, ha ha ha!

Ted Koppel: Senator, you certainly weren’t treated very well by the author. On page 142, he writes: “I don’t think Grenator Dole is handling the pressure very well.” [ confused ] “Grenator”? I don’t know why the author felt he had to disguise the word “Senator”.. Anyway, he goes on to say: “Today, Dob Bole leaned over to me, and said, ‘If family values means stealing the taxpayers’ money and sniffing model glue, I’m way into family values!'”

Bob Dole: That’s a lie! Bob Dole would never say anything like that! Steve Forbes, you wrote this book, and you know it!

[ Forbes shakes his head no ]

Ted Koppel: The Senator has a point, Mr. Forbes. I mean, for God’s sake, on the Dedication page, it says: “To my lovely wife, Telen Torbes, and my beautiful daughters Tatherine, Tabina, Taberta, Taura and Telizabeth.

Steve Forbes: I wonder who those people are?

Ted Koppel: Well, at this point, I’d like to bring GOP candidate Pat Buchanan into the discussion.

Pat Buchanan: Hello, Ted. I just hope we can get to the bottom of these malicious lies.

Ted Koppel: Mr. Buchanan, the author is obviously referring to you when he says on page 245: “And then, I saw At Buchanan kick his Nicaraguan gardener and say, ‘Teve Torbes, I enjoy your musky Victor Mature-like scent.'”

Pat Buchanan: Ted, that was just a lie. Mostly.

Steve Forbes: Read on, Ted!

Ted Koppel: Alright. On page 167, the author continues: “I was on Ched Choppel’s show ‘Pightline’, when, during a commercial break, Ched confessed to me that he often engages in autoerotic asphyxiation.” Now, that was unnecessary. And then it goes on to say: “It was on Ched’s show that At Buchanan and Teve Torbes first agreed that Dob Bole should drop out. At said, ‘Teve, what about Dob?’ Then Dob motioned for At to come towards Steve..” [ text appears on screen ] ..”Teve Torbes, At, Dob Bole, Uchanan, Ucotos, Ucomos, Ucant, Teve, At, Bole, Dat, Boba Fet, Toni Kukoc, Bee-Bo-Bo, Lamar Alexander 2.” Gentlemen, reactions?

Steve Forbes: That’s wonderful writing!

Bob Dole: Ah, I’ve just got one thing to say to you, Tteve Torbes – tuck off!

Ted Koppel: And that’s all we have time for. Thank you, gentlemen, for joining me. From all of us at ABC News, this has been Ched Toppel in Washington, and good night.

[ dissolve to “Pightline” graphic ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts