Category: 1995

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 17

95q: Steve Forbes / Rage Against The Machine

Unabomber Class Reunion

FBI Agent #1…..Jim Breuer
Ted Kaczynski…..Will Ferrell
James…..David Koechner
Rita…..Nancy Walls
George…..Norm MacDonald
Edward…..Mark McKinney
Emily…..Molly Shannon
Walter…..Chris Kattan

[ open on interior, Harvard University Class Reunion – Unabomber Ted Kaczynski, shackled, enters with two FBI agents in tow ]

FBI Agent #1: You have ten minutes, Ted!

Ted Kaczynski: Fellas, thanks again for letting me come to this – a class reunion doesn’t happen very often! And, I tell ya, it feels like I never left!

James: [ aproaching ] Oh, my God! Don’t tell me.. don’t tell me.. uh.. uh..

Ted Kaczynski: [ covers his nametag ] No peeking!

James: [ laughs ] Ted Kaczynski! Where did they find you?!

[ they hug ]

Ted Kaczynski: Jimmy Mallory, you old pool shark! how the hell are you?

James: Not bad.. So, what have you been up to?

Ted Kaczynski: I’ve been doing a lot of writing..

James: Yeah, really? You, uh, get anything published?

Ted Kaczynski: Yeah. One thing.

James: So, uh.. where have you been living now?

Ted Kaczynski: I’ve got this great little place up in the woods. It’s real secluded, gives me a lot of time to tinker around with my hobbies..

James: Oh, ho ho! I remember your hobbies! [ mimes smoking marijuana ]

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, cut it out! [ laughs ] You son of a gun! Hey, did I introduce Stu and Mike here for you? [ acknowledges the FBI Agents ]

James: No, you didn’t. How you doing, fellas? [ shakes FBI Agents’ hands ]

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, excuse me, boys. I think I’m gonna mingle. The ladies await! [ steps behind Rita and covers her eyes ] Guess who!

Rita: Um.. um.. um.. [ feels his chains ] Ted Kaczynski! [ turns around ] You heartbreaker!

Ted Kaczynski: Guilty as charged! [ laughs and hugs her ]

Rita: Oh, my God! You look great!

Ted Kaczynski: Thank you. I feel good!

Rita: You know, I still have that 400-page love letter you sent me.

Ted Kaczynski: Oh, that’s sweet.

Rita: Hey, do they still call you “Casanova” Kaczynski?

Ted Kaczynski: No.. actually, I’ve got a different nickname these days..

Rita: Oh, hey, hey, how’s your brother doing?

Ted Kaczynski: Well.. to tell you the truth, we’re not really getting along these days.. [ points across the room ] Hey, look! Is that that ol’ practical joker, George Graham?

Rita: Yeah. Didn’t he stick your face in the toilet and flush it? And then he replaced your toothpaste with Preperation H?

Ted Kaczynski: Yeah, that’s him. Here he comes!

George: [ hobbles up on crutches, missing one arm, and a bandage on his head ] Hey-ey, Ted Kaczynski! Hey listen, buddy, sorry about all that stuff I did back in our old college days! I hope you don’t hold a grudge!

Ted Kaczynski: Oh, no, no.. I got all that off of my chest. Let’s let bygones be bygones.

George: Alright, then! [ hobbles off ]

Edward: Oh, my God! It’s Ted Kaczynski! Isn’t it?

[ other classmates surround Ted ]

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, the whole gang’s here! Hey, Eddie, what are youup to these days?

Edward: Well, Ted, I’m an industrialist..

James: No way! I’m an industrialist, too!

Emily: Me, too! I chop down trees and build computers. [ turns to Walter ] What about you?

Walter: I work for a company that dumps ink into the ocean.

Ted Kaczynski: Well.. that’s just great. You know, guys, we’ve just gotta keep in touch. Hey, make sure you give me all your addresses before you leave, okay? [ everyone hands their business card to Ted, as the FBI Agents pull him back ] Hey, look, I gotta go, guys..

George: Ted, wait! I brought you that package you sent me! I’ve been waiting to open it!

Ted Kaczynski: Oh.. you know what, George..? That package is really a present for all you guys.. [ everyone awws ] Now, don’t open it until I’m gone, because I’ll get embarrassed..

James: Tell you what, Ted? At least read the card.

Ted Kaczynski: Oh, okay! [ grabs the card ] I’m having the best time! [ reads card ] “To all my chums from the Class of ’62.. Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 20th, 1996

Teri Hatcher

Dave Matthews Band

None

Steve Higgins

Paula Pell
Unabomber Defense TeamSummary: The Unabomber Ted Kaczynski (Will Ferrell) meets a group of defense attorneys who would like to handle his case.

Recurring Characters: Ted Kaczynski, Johnny Cochran, Leslie Abramson, F. Lee Bailey.

Transcript

Montage

Teri Hatcher’s MonologueSummary: Teri Hatcher is unable to recognize cast members whenever they’re wearing glasses.

Transcript

Old Glory InsuranceSummary: Sam Waterston endorses the insurance plan that protects elderly people against robot attacks.

Note: Repeat from 11/18/95.

Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Prop girl Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) vies for the role of Maria in “West Side Story.”

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher, Sean Patrick Flannery.

Mood MusicSummary: A man (Chris Kattan) searches for the perfect seductive mood music to use on his date (Teri Hatcher).

Transcript

The Princess & The HomeboySummary: G-Dog (Tim Meadows) cramps a suburban princess’ (Teri Hatcher) style, in a new comedy from NBC!

Recurring Characters: G-Dog.

Transcript

Spartan CheerleadersSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) part ways when he’s offered the chance to be a real Spartan cheerleader.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Golfer Greg “The Shark” Norman (Mark McKinney) ponderss a more appropriate nickname.

Transcript

Dave Matthews Band performs “Too Much”Also Appeared: 94r, 00m, 03e.

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade (Teri Hatcher) and Teri Hatcher (David Spade) insult one another’s careers.

Recurring Characters: David Spade, Teri Hatcher.

Transcript

The Local NewsSummary: Average suburban man Joe Blow (Colin Quinn) hosts a local talk show in his basement.

Recurring Characters: Joe Blow, Uncle Frank, Janette Blow, Joe, Jr.

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls a worm-eating bet from his childhood.

St. Gabriel’s Rummage SaleSummary: While on vist from an outside parish, Barb’s (Cheri Oteri) cousin Sheila (Teri Hatcher) challenges Gail Lafferty’s (Nancy Walls) authority.

Recurring Characters: Gail Lafferty, Barb, Mary.

Dave Matthews Band performs “So Much To Say”

Petchow Rat PoisonNote: Repeat from 02/17/96.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18

95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

The Princess and the Homeboy

G-Dog…..Tim Meadows
Princess…..Teri Hatcher
Daddy…..Mark McKinney

Announcer: Get ready, America, ’cause next Monday there’s a surprise in store for “The Fresh Prince” and for L.L. Cool J! You see, a new brother’s moving to the ‘hood, and he’s as legit as they come!

[ G-Dog enters through the front door of a suburban home ]

G-Dog: Yo, what’s up, [ bleep ]? Where the [ bleep ] at?

Announcer: “The Princess and the Homeboy”

Princess: I’ll thank you not to use that kind of languagein this house.

G-Dog: Yeah? Well, I’ll Thank you to shut the [ bleep ] up! Now go make me a [ bleeping ] sandwich!

Announcer: Rupert Records’ recording artist, G-Dog, is going from Compton to the country club, and life around the Anderson home is about to be turned upside-down!

[ cut to father-daughter chat ]

Daddy: Look, right before G-Dog’s father passed away, I promisedhim that G-Dog could live here with us.

Princess: But, Dad, he just got out of prison, and he’s driving me bonkers!

G-Dog: [ pops his head up from behind the couch ] What are you[ bleep ] talking about? Some [ bleep ]?

Daddy: Oh, dear!

Announcer: Matt Roush of USA Today says, “Me and my homeys have never laughed so hard. This is my new favorite ‘hood – even though I’m not black, and I never watch TV and I’m an idiot!”

[ cut to Anderson living room, G-Dog watching TV while wating an icecream cone ]

Princess: G-Dog, that was my ice cream cone!

G-Dog: Yeah? [ flips it upside-down and plants it on his crotch ] Well, come and get it [ bleep ]!

Princess: G-Dog, I’m serious! You know my favorite show is on now!

G-Dog: Oh, [ bleep ] that! I ain’ watchin’ no [ bleep ] “Friends”! Go [ bleep ] yourself, you dumb bitch!

Announcer: He’s a thug-rapper. She’s a suburban princess. Sounds like these two were made for each other!

[ cut to G-Dog’s dog barking at Princess ]

Princess: G-Dog, your pit bull is scaring me!

G-Dog: You touch that [ bleep ] dog, I’ll cut your [ bleeping ]head off!

[ Daddy enters ]

Daddy: Oh, no.. are you two at it again?

G-Dog: Yo! Back the [ bleep ] off, you dumb [ bleep ]

Princess: Yeah, you [ bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep ]

G-Dog & Princess: [ bleep ] you!!

Daddy: Oh, double dear!

Announcer: “The Princess and the Homeboy”. Coming this Mondayon NB [ bleep ] C.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 18

95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Teri Hatcher’s Monologue

…..Teri Hatcher
…..Will Ferrell
…..Nancy Walls
…..Tim Meadows

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Teri Hatcher!

Teri Hatcher: Thank you very much! It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! A lot of you know me from my TV show “Lois & Clark”, where I play Lois. The main difference in this version of Superman is that I, Lois Lane, know that Clark Kent is Superman. [ as if dumbfounded ] I mean, how could you not know? Clark Kent wears glasses, and Superman doesn’t, right? I mean, granted it did take me two seasons to figure that out..

Anyway, I had a lot of fun this week. In fact, Will Ferrell had flowers delivered before the show, and he gave me the sweetest note. I just want to read it to you. [ opens the note and reads ] Uh.. “Dear Teri-kins..” [ laughs ] That’s what he calls me! Um.. well.. you know what? Will should read this. [ looks offstage ] Will!

[ Will Ferrell appears onstage ]

Will Ferrell: Yeah. No problem. [ takes the note, and puts on a pair of glasses for improved vision ]

Teri Hatcher: You guys are just gonna LOVE this! [ she looks toward Will, but notices a strange man in glasses instead ] Oh, my God..!

Will Ferrell: [ reading ] “Dear Teri-kins..”

Teri Hatcher: [ panicked ] Who are you?!

Will Ferrell: [ confused ] Uhhh.. what’s the matter, Teri? I’m just reading the note.

Teri Hatcher: Who are you?! Where did Will go?! Security!!

Will Ferrell: No, Teri! Whoa-oa-oa, look! [ removes his glasses ]

Teri Hatcher: [ relieved ] Ohh!

Will Ferrell: Yeah.

Teri Hatcher: Oh, my God.. oh, Will.. some creep was just up here, I was so scared!

Will Ferrell: Uh.. Teri, that was me..

Teri Hatcher: Oh, no no.. this guy was really freakish-looking..

Will Ferrell: No, no, no.. Teri, just watch. Look, look.. [ alternates between wearing the glasses and not wearing the glasses ] Will. Will. Will. Will. Will.. Will. Do you understand? I’m always Will. [ can see Teri is inable to grasp the concept, looks offstage for help ] Uh.. Nancy, could you come up here and help us with something?

[ Nancy Walls steps onstage, wearing a pair of glasses ]

Teri Hatcher: Who are you?

Nancy Walls: I’m Nancy Walls.

Teri Hatcher: Wait.. you’re not Nancy Walls.

Nancy Walls: Yeah, it’s me.. [ removes her glasses ]

Teri Hatcher: [ relieved ] Nancy!! Ohhh, my Gooood.. oh, you wouldn’t believe it – there was just some crazy woman uo here pretending to be you!

Nancy Walls: No, no, no.. it’s just these glasses. Here. [ puts the glasses on Teri ] Now, look in the monitor. [ points Teri the monitor they all appear on ]

Teri Hatcher: [ annoyed at the sight she sees on the monitor ] Who is that woman? I thought I was hosting the show tonight..?

Will Ferrell: No no, no no.. you are hosting the show tonight. [ removes the glasses from Teri’s face ]

Teri Hatcher: [ relieved ] Ohhh, good! Ohhh, I’ve been working so hard on it all week!

[ Tim Meadows walks onstage, wearing a pair of glasses ]

Tim Meadows: Hey, guys, what’s going on?

Teri Hatcher: [ worried ] Who’s this guy?

Tim Meadows: Oh. I’m sorry. [ removes his glasses and smiles at Teri ]

Teri Hatcher: I still don’t know who this guy is.

Tim Meadows: I-I’m Tim Meadows.. I’ve been in the cast for, like, eight years.

Teri Hatcher: What are your hit characters?

Tim Meadows: [ sullen ] I don’t.. have any, really..

Teri Hatcher: Ohh.. [ putting him on ] Oh, well, I’m sure you’ll get some! [ to the audience ] We have a great show for you! Dave Matthews Band is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Tales of Bill Brasky

First Friend of Brasky…..Will Ferrell
Second Friend of Brasky…..David Koechner
Third Friend of Brasky…..Alec Baldwin
Fourth Friend of Brasky…..Mark McKinney
Guy At Bar…..Tim Meadows

[ open on interior, airport bar, group of salesmen laughing and drinking ]

First Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch! Do youfellas know Bill Brasky?

Second Friend of Brasky: Hell yeah, I know Bill Brasky! He’s a big fella, goes about 6’4″, 280. He loves his Scotch!

Third Friend of Brasky: He does! He’s a hell of a salesman!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Third Friend of Brasky: Did you know Bill Brasky is the godfather of my son?

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky?

First Friend of Brasky: He’s a big fella!

Second Friend of Brasky: Oh yeah, he’s a big guy! Goes about 6’7″, 385.

Third Friend of Brasky: Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol’ Bill Brasky pushes the priest aside and says, “I’ll baptize that piece of calimari!” Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, “There! You’re baptized!”

Fourth Friend of Brasky: And your son is blind to this day!

First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, he makes brooms somewhere in Georgia, doesn’t he?

Third Friend of Brasky: I have no idea. [ pause ] To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time BillBrasky sold me into slavery?

First Friend of Brasky: Well, if you’re talking about Bill Brasky, I believe it!

Second Friend of Brasky: Oh, yeah! He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I’m chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol’ Brasky, he’s back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife!

First Friend of Brasky: I hate Bill Brasky.. but I respect him!

Guy At Bar: Are you talking about Bill Brasky? I knowBill Brasky!

First Friend of Brasky: Then let me buy you a round!

Third Friend of Brasky: Hey, easy, Hank, easy.. To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time BillBrasky showed up at my daughter’s wedding? You know my daughter, she’sa beautiful girl.

First Friend of Brasky: I tell you, I’d like to have sexwith her!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Well, Brasky shows up.. and you know he’s a big fella.

Third Friend of Brasky: Goes about 7’8″, 530.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Well, he’s standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He’s got no right to be there, but he’s drunk and he’s Brasky! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Brasky! [ the guys laugh ] Off! Off! Off! We spend the weekend in the Poconos – he loves me like I’ve never been loved before!

Second Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman in the office!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Third Friend of Brasky: You know how Brasky served three toursin ‘Nam?

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Uh-huh!

Third Friend of Brasky: Well, I’m in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter.. which made me a little curious, so I asked him his name, and sure enough it’s Ho Tran Brasky!

First Friend of Brasky: To William Robert Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: Oh, yeah!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Hey, you ever go camping with Brasky?

Third Friend of Brasky: Many times.

First Friend of Brasky: I went camping with Brasky, his wife, and his daughter Debbie!

Third Friend of Brasky: Debbie Brasky?

First Friend of Brasky: Debbie Brasky. She’s 7-years-old, goes about 3’5″, 55 pounds. So, I’m in the back of a pickup with Bill Brasky and a live deer! Well, Brasky, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, “I’m Bill Brasky! Say it!” Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth – “Billbrasky!” It wasn’t exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer!

Third Friend of Brasky: That’s Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.

First Friend of Brasky: His favorite movie is “One on One” withRobby Benson.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky once gave me a videotape ofhim having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing Iever saw!

Second Friend of Brasky: I have that tape!

Guy At Bar: [ turning around ] So do I!

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Big Booming Voice: [ from extremely tall figure in upper cameraangle ] Did someone say Bill Brasky?

[ the guys get excited and raise their glasses in the air towards Bill Brasky ]

Together: Bill Brasky!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Buckwell’s Follies

Mrs. Buckwell…..Nancy Walls
Henry Buckwell…..Alec Baldwin
Man…..Will Ferrell
Governor…..Darrell Hammond
Voice #1…..David Koechner
Voice #2…..Colin Quinn
Voice #3…..Molly Shannon
Voice #4…..Will Ferrell
Woman…..Paula Pell

[ open on exterior, bedroom window, as the interior lights go out ]

[ dissolve to interior, bedroom, Henry Buckwell and his wife in bed. Buckwell sighs and ruffles his pillow into a more comfortable shape. ]

Mrs. Buckwell: What’s wrong, honey? Can’t sleep?

Henry Buckwell: I guess I’m just nervous about the election.

Mrs. Buckwell: Don’t worry. You’re gonna win. You’ll be the best governor our state has ever had.

Henry Buckwell: Thanks, sweetie.

[ a crash is heard downstairs ]

Mrs. Buckwell: [ alarmed ] I think someone’s downstairs!

Henry Buckwell: [ climbs out of bed ] I’ll get the gun.

Mrs. Buckwell: No, honey! Don’t!

[ dissolve to darkened downstairs living room, as Buckwell climbs downstairs ]

Henry Buckwell: Don’t move, I’ve got a gun!

[ Buckwell fires his gun, as a light whimper sounds ]

[ the front door opens, as a man enters. Buckwell turns on the light to reveal a bloodied dog lying across the couch. He covers his face in immediate shame. ]

Man: Lassie? Lassie? [ looks down at the couch ] Oh, my God, Lassie! You shot Lassie!

[ Mrs. Buckwell and the kids rush down the stairs ]

Mrs. Buckwell: No! No! You shot Lassie!

Kids: Daddy shot Lassie! Lassie’s dead!

Henry Buckwell: It was an accident! What the hell were you doing in hee, anyway?!

Man: She was trying to warn you that you have a carbon monoxide leak! And you shot her! It’s Lassie!

Daughter: I hate you, Daddy!

Henry Buckwell: I didn’t mean to! [ reaches his hand to Lassie ]

Man: Get away!

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Candidate Buckwell Kills Lassie” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Buckwell Falls To Second In Governor’s Race After Shooting Lassie” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Lassie Killer To Debate Governor Tonight” ]

[ dissolve to the governor’s debate, as the incumbent governor concludes his speech at the podium ]

Governor: And in conclusion, we need to get poor people pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, or else in prison!

[ the governor gives a knowing glance to his constituents, as they applaud for him ]

Moderator’s Voice: And now, we’ll hear from the challenger – Henry Buckwell.

[ Buckwell takes his position at the podium ]

Henry Buckwell: I guess I have a little more faith in the people than the current governor. I believe that people want to work, if given the opportunity —

Voice #1: You shot Lassie!!

Henry Buckwell: I believe that we have created a system that excludes certain races —

Voice #2: Shut up, Lassie-killer!!

Henry Buckwell: Yes, that was an accident. But, as I was saying – I envision a state where people have the opportunity to —

Voice #3: — to kill Lassie!!

Voice #4: You killed Lassie, you bastard!!

[ the crowd starts booing ]

Henry Buckwell: Listen! Please, listen! Listen! It was a mistake, alright! Have a little understanding!

[ a woman holding a baby steps forward and holds her baby up to Buckwell ]

Woman: Kiss my —

Henry Buckwell: [ leans forward and points at his confronter ] Kiss my ASS!! [ covers his face when he realizes he’s eye-level with a baby ]

Woman: [ horrified ] I was gonna say, “Kiss my baby!” [ flees the scene ]

Voice #4: He cursed at a BABY!!

Voice #3: He did! He swore at an infant!

Henry Buckwell: I couldn’t see who it was! I didn’t know!

[ the crowd boos louder ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Lassie Killer Candidate Curses Out Baby” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “First Dogs Now Babies” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Lassie Killer/Baby Curser Goes To Speak Tonight” ]

[ dissolve to Buckwell speaking before a podium ]

Henry Buckwell: People, there’s been some confusion about certain recent events, but I’ve come here tonight.. to speak to you as an American.

Voice #3: You’re a baby curser!

Voice #1: You shot Lassie!

[ the crowd boos, and begins pelting Buckwell with eggs. He stumbles across the stage, then blindly grabs at the American flag for something with which to wipe his pants. The crowd groans, as Buckwell realizes what we has done. ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Buckwell Wipes Ass With Flag” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Lassie Assassin And Baby Slanderer Cleans Self With Old Glory And Offers Program To Lower Unemployment” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Lassie Killer/Baby Attacker/Flag Defiler Speak Tonight On TV” ]

[ dissolve to Buckwell speaking before a podium ]

Henry Buckwell: Ladies and gentlemen of this great state, I come before you a humble man, who hopes only to serve other people. And, yes, I’ve stumbled. I’ve shot Lassie. I’ve cursed at an infant. And, yes, I’ve wiped my ass with the American flag! But don’t let that define me. Don’t judge me. Because, someday, you could find yourself in a similar situation. You could kill Babe, that lovable pig!

Voice #3: Don’t talk about BABE like that!!

[ the crowd again begins to boo and pelt Buckman with eggs. He stumbles across the stage, almost grabs the American flag to wipe himself off, but catches himself and accidentally grabs a woman’s baby with which to wipe his pants. The crowd groans, as Buckwell realizes what we has done. ]

Voice #1: He wiped his ass with a BABY!!

Voice #4: Oh, my Goooooodd!!

[ Buckwell quickly stands behind the podium ]

Henry Buckwell: Please! Please! You’re missing my point! I just want to serve you all as governor!

Voice #4: That’ll NEVER happen!! Everyone HATES you!

Henry Buckwell: Then, I think it’s a sad day when a man can’t get elected because he shot a dog, shouted obscenities at a newborn, and defiled a flag! And, yes, wiped his ass with a baby! And I ask each of you to look beyond these things, and vote for me! Because, you know something? I think we’re gonna surprise some people! [ throws his arms up in a Nixon victory pose, as he begins to weep. The crowd cheers. ]

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “And he did. For Henry Buckwell went on to receive zero percent of the vote.

While the incumbent received a hundred percent.

But Henry did go on to be the governor of his own state.

He put a bunch of his daughter’s dolls around a hole in the woods and served as their governor for three years.

People would often hear his voice echo through the woods as he yelled, “I’m the Governor! I’m the Governor!

Henry Buckwell now delivers newspapers with a big radio taped to the front of his bicycle so he can let everyone know, “who’s winnin’ the ball game.” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Goodnights

…..Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin: I want to thank Tori Amos! [ applauds for her, as she smiles modestly ] Thank you, everybody, it was a great show! Thank you, and good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Alec’s Belated Season’s Greetings

…..Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin: During the Christmas season, I received many Christmas cards. Unfortunately, because I was so busy, I didn’t have time to send any out myself. So, if I could, I would like to use this as my Christmas card to everyone who was kind enough to send one to me.

[ puts Santa hat on his head and begins ]

“Dear Friend, or Relative, or Business Associate. Merry Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Solstice, or Voodoo Day.

Boy, what a year it’s been – me, with my acting, and, you doing whatever it is you do. Thanks for the Christmas card, it was very beautiful, or/and humorous. I enjoyed the photo of your kid, or kids. Boy, he, or she, or they are really getting big. Have you seen our mutual friend, if we have one? Can you believe what he or she is up to? Boy, some people! Does your son, or daughter, or sister, or brother, or husband, or wife still have that drug problem? All you can do is trust in God, or, if you prefer, voodoo.

How is Granny, or Nana, or Mema, or Yaya? So so? Hey, how about the professional sports team we both root for? They should fire, or rehire that manager of theirs. He’s a character!

Well, better go. By the way, sorry about throwing up on your carpet that time, or times. I hope you receive many presents from Santa, or the Hanukkah Guy, or the Voodoo Man… and that the coming year is as good as, or better than, or nothing like last year.Love, Alec.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

The Joe Pesci Show

Joe Pesci…..Jim Breuer
Robert DeNiro…..Alec Baldwin
Mel Gibson…..Mark McKinney
Danny Glover…..Tim Meadows
Spider…..Will Ferrell
Brad Pitt…..David Spade

Announcer: Welcome to “The Joe Pesci Show”. Here is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.

[ cut to Joe Pesci on the set of his talk show ]

Joe Pesci: Hey hey! Hey, everyone, I’m Joe Pesci! Alright, nice, huh? I got a talk show here.. talk show, with my mike I can talk into, little chairs that swivel around – I can look over here, look over there – I got everything! It’s the “Joe Pesci Show”! Alright, I’m gonna bring out my first guest. He’s a good friend of mine, I think you all know him very well. Please welcome, the one and only, Mr. Robert DeNiro! [ Robert DeNiro walks out and sits upon the couch ] Folks, this man, he is the King! I mean, he was in everything, come on – “Raging Bull”, “Goodfellas”, “Casino”..Naomi Campbell..

Robert DeNiro: Joey, be nice – people are watching. This guy!

Joe Pesci: Alright, alright! My first guest, you know from the movie Lethal Weapon”. Please welcome Mel Gibson and Danny Glover – bring ’em in here! [ Mel and Danny walk in and sit down ] Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! You don’t say hello to Mr. DeNiro? Show the respect, willya?

Mel Gibson: Hey, Bob.

Danny Glover: How’s it going?

Robert DeNiro: Enough. Enough.

Joe Pesci: So, fellas, we had a great time filming “Lethal Weapon”, huh?

Mel Gibson: Yeah, you were hysterical, Joe. You were great as that irritating character!

Joe Pesci: Excuse me? “Irritating”? Did Mad freakin’ Max just call me “irritating”?

Mel Gibson: No, no, come on, Joe, all I meant was..

Joe Pesci: Oh, I know what you meant, “Man Without a Face”! I’m irritating, huh? I’m like some sort of Italian rigatoni rectum rash, it that it?

Mel Gibson: No, Joe..

Joe Pesci: I dyed my hair blonde in that movie, so my head doesn’t match my grill – and you come on my show and call me “irritating”?!

Mel Gibson: Hey, look, Joe.. it wasn’t an insult..

Joe Pesci: Wasn’t an insult?! Bobby, did he just insult me here?

Robert DeNiro: Uh, you insulted him a little bit, a little bit you did.

Joe Pesci: Now, it is my turn to insult you, you”Braveheart”, skirt-wearing, long haired hunk – get out!

Mel Gibson: Joe, is this a joke?

Joe Pesci: No! You playing “Hamlet” – that was a joke! Hey, Bobby, did you see Mel play “Hamlet”?

Robert DeNiro: Ah.. Shakespeare. Come on, huh?

Joe Pesci: I got some Shakespeare: Out the dooreth you goeth,and take Othello with youeth!

Danny Glover: [ sighs ] Ah, I’m getting too old for this..

Mel Gibson: Tell me about it, pardner..

[ they exit ]

Joe Pesci: Irritating, huh! How about in the middle of every one of his movies – boom! – I gotta see his ass? That’s irritating! Very nice. Okay. Bobby, how you like the show, you like what’s going on here?

Robert DeNiro: Very nice.

Joe Pesci: Okay, Bobby, why don’t you introduce the next guest? Go ahead.

Robert DeNiro: I can’t see the cue card. Hold it up.

Joe Pesci: Spider, come on, hold up the cue card!

Robert DeNiro: Hold it up, I can’t see it! Hold it up!

Joe Pesci: Come on, willya? Spider, get out here! [ Spider ambles over with the cue cards ] Look at this spooch over here.. What did I tell you!

Spider: [ stammers ]

Joe Pesci: [ mocks him ] You spooch, ya! Hold up the cards so I can see ’em! [ Spider holds the cue cards over his head ] Look at this kid, look at this moron! He’s landing planes over here! Lower, jackass!

Spider: Why don’t you hold the freakin’ card, Joe?

Robert DeNiro: Ohhhhh… the kiones on this kid, huh? You talk to him like talk. [ hands Spider a wad full of money ] Here’s a little something for you, Spider – you don’t take no crap from nobody, you hear me? Be a man! Be a man! [ to Joe ] You gonna take that from him on your own show, Joey?

Joe Pesci: Yeah, I’ll take it from him! [ whips out gun and shoots Spider dead ] Alright.. my next guest..

Robert DeNiro: What is the matter with you? You shot the kid!

Joe Pesci: So, what’s wrong with that?

Robert DeNiro: What’s wrong with that! You don’t think! Now, who’s gonna hold up the cue cards!

Joe Pesci: I don’t need no freaking cue cards, come on! My next guest is the Hollywood Pretty Boy – please welcome Brad Pitt. Bring him out here! Brad! [ Brad steps out, greets Joe and Robert and tries to sit ] Hey, Bobby, let the kid sit down, willya?

Robert DeNiro: Hey, Joey, I’m up, I’m down – Brad, sit over here.

[ Brad sits on the far end of the couch ]

Joe Pesci: Hey, uh, Brad, you know.. now that I see you in person, you don’t look that pretty. Hey, Bobby, you think he looks pretty, or what?

Robert DeNiro: You don’t look too good, Brad.

Brad Pitt: Hey, easy, guys. Listen, it’s an honor to meet you,gentlemen. I love “Raging Bull”, I love “Goodfellas”, I love “Casino”. You two are the best – everyone knows it.

Joe Pesci: [ laughing ] This kid knows how to shine ass over here, huh!

Robert DeNiro: He’s good. You’re very good, Brad.

Joe Pesci: He’s very good. So, uh, Brad, why don’t you tell us about “12 Monkeys”.

Brad Pitt: Well, in “12 Monkeys”, I play a lunatic.. not as well as you could, Joe. Everyone knows you’re the King of the Lunatics, you’re the best.

Joe Pesci: [ pissed ] Did he just say what I think he said?

Robert DeNiro: I think he did.

Brad Pitt: What, did I offend him? Did I offend him?

Robert DeNiro: You offended him a little bit, Brad, a little bit..

Joe Pesci: Let me just get this straight over here – you’re the leading man, right? And I’m just some lunatic macaroni mushroom, is that it?

Brad Pitt: No, that’s not what I’m saying..

Joe Pesci: I’m the Hunchback of Notre Dego, huh? I’m Quasimeatball, and he’s the sexiest man alive? Is that what’s going on here?

Brad Pitt: No, Joe, Joe, I was just saying..

Joe Pesci: Joe, Joe! He’s handsome and skinny, and I’m the crazy little tinny! I’ll show you crazy! [ gets up and pounds Brad with his baseball bat, knocking him flat to the floor ] Hey, hey! Now that there, that’s the “Legend of a Fall”! Hey, hey, Bobby, did you see the movie “Seven”?

Robert DeNiro: No, I did not.

Joe Pesci: Well, everyone’s gonna see it now! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] One! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Two! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Three! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Four! Hey, can you believe the movie’s halfway over?! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Five! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Six! [ pounds Brad with baseball bat ] Seven!

Robert DeNiro: Hey, Joey, hey here’s the sequel right here! [ kicks Brad ]

Joe Pesci: [ laughs ] Hey, Bobby, what do you think of Pretty Boy, huh?

Robert DeNiro: He definitely ain’t pretty no more.

Joe Pesci: [ laughs ] Okay, alright.. that’s the show. [ camerastays focused ] Good night, folks, I said it’s over, alright, turn it off!

Robert DeNiro: Hey, hey, Joey.. you take care of the body, I’ll take care of this. [ approaches the camera ] Hey! You hear what you said! Turn it off! Turn it off! [ swats the camera ] Turn it off! Turn it off! [ punches holes into the camera lens ] Turn it off!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Tori Amos performs “Caught A Lite Sneeze”

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Tori Amos

Alec Baldwin: Ladies and gentlemen – Tori Amos.

Tori Amos: [ singing ]
“Caught a lite sneeze, caught a lite breeze
Caught a lightweight lightningseed
Boys on my left side
Boys on my right side
Boys in the middle
And you’re not here, I need a big loan
From the girl zone.

Didn’t know our love was so small
Couldn’t stand at all
Mr. St. John, just bring your son.

This fire is hot
And my cells can’t feed
And you still got that Belle dragging your foots
I’m hiding it well, Sister Ernestine
But I still get that Belle
Dragging my foots.

Building, tumbling down
Didn’t know our love was so small
Couldn’t stand at all
Mr. St. John, just bring your son.

[ turns around to play the piano behind her ]

Right on time
You get closer and closer
Called my name, but there’s no way in
Use that fame
Rent you wife and kids today
Maybe she will
Maybe she will caught a lite sneeze
Dreamed a little dream
Made my own pretty hate machine.

[ turns back around to once again play the original piano ]

Boys on my left side
Boys on my right side
Boys in the middle and you’re not here
Boys in their dresses
And you’re not here
I need a big loan from the girl zone.
Yes, I need a big loan from the girl zone.

Building, tumbling down
Didn’t know our love was so small
Couldn’t stand at all
Mr. St. John, just bring your son.”

SNL Transcripts