Office Woman…..Ana Gasteyer Old Woman…..Molly Shannon Convenience Store Woman…..Cheri Oteri
Announcer: The Lifetime original Documentary shows the ongoing series exploring women’s issues. Lifetime Television uncovers a secret that 20 million American women share, as we proudly present…I Took a Gay Guy to Prom.
[In office setting]
Office Woman: [Picture of woman and prom date] Well, his name was Jason Sands and we double dated at the junior prom with my friend Melissa and her boyfriend Eric. Afterwards we drove out to the beach, and we talked til dawn. The next day, Jason and Eric ran away to Virginia. I heard they got jobs as dancers at Busch Gardens.
[In store]
Convenience Store Woman: Oh, yeah. I went to my prom with a gay guy, but you know I didn’t know. [Picture of woman and prom date] His name was Carl. He lives in California now. I saw him in People magazine. Evidently he makes a good living judging celebrity bridal gowns.
Office Woman: Then, when I was a freshman at Skidmore, I did running crew for “Godspell,” and I started going out with Edmund. Then I caught him in a coat closet making out with the guy who played Jesus.
Announcer: You’ll see that young girls’ fascination with gay men is nothing new. It’s a timeless scenario dating back to when Proms were called “socials”, and gays were called “mentally ill.”
[In home setting]
Old Woman: The year was 1927. And I was scheduled to attend the Rhode Island Fruling Cotillion with a one Mr. Skip Swerengen. And I remember my mother called me aside, and said “dear, that boy of your has one hand on the maypole.” [Picture of woman and prom date] And I said “mother whatever do you mean?” And she said “that young man buzzes whit the fruit flies.” And I said ” what do you mean?” “He buggers men,” she said. I didn’t know what that meant, and finally said yelled “he has sex with men!” But it still wasn’t clear, “He’s gay! He’shomosexual! He doesn’t like women!” And I didn’t get it. And as it turned out, I had a very severe learning disability. But mother was right, that boy was homosexual. And that boy was Robert Mitchum.
Interviewer [v/o]: I thought you said his name was Skip Swerengen.
Old Woman: President Eisenhower, yes.
Office Woman: Eric Forester. He came about a month before we broke up.
Convenience Store Woman: I guess I should’ve know, you know? I mean he wore his jazz shoes to gym class, so —
Office Woman: And Michael West. He was a…huge homo – sexual. I never should have married him.
Announcer: What attracts teenage girls to young gay men?
Office Woman: He was a real good listener.
Convenience Store Woman: He was a good listener.
Old Woman: He always listened to everything I had to say. That’s what I always loved about Dwight D. Eisenhower.
Announcer: I Took a Gay Guy to Prom. This Sunday at 4. Coming up next on Lifetime – 3 episodes of thirtysomething followed by the Meredith Baxter-Birney-a-thon. Lifetime: television for women…and gay men.
Circe nightshade: Welcome to Goth Talk. Im Circe Nightshade.
Azrael Abyss: And Im Azreal Abyss. Prince of Sor-row.
Circe nightshade: Tonight! We are coming to you live from Sun Coast High School, were just down this hall, the pathetic day dwellers of the class of 1998 are celebrating the tawdry amusement known as [ very sarcastic ] The Prom.
Azrael Abyss: Ehhh ..
Circe nightshade: But we, children of the night have something far more sinister planned.
Azrael Abyss: We have petitioned the dark forces of the student council.. To let us have our own . Fearful . Fiendish .
Circe & Azreal: Prom of Doom! [ walking next to the door that says Prom of Doom written on it ]
Azrael Abyss: Follow, Follow, Follow, if you dare.. [ Prom of Doom sign falls down and reveals the word Custodian underneath ] Never mind that.
Circe nightshade: Never mind. Come, Come. [ opens door and Circe and Azreal walk backward into the room ]
Azrael Abyss: Enter our solarium of the sinister .. Oh [ bumps foot ] Oh!
Circe nightshade: Come, Come, Come, Come .
[ The room is dark, full of candles and Goths with the boiler in the background ]
Azrael Abyss: Alright, Its actually the boiler room, but its very evil. Its hot and it smells like the sulfery fumes of hell.
Mr. Fontain: Yeah. Sorry about that kids. Thats the boiler. Ya know when it gets goin, Uh, it really starts to smell like farts.
Circe nightshade: Uh, thats the custodian, Mr. Fontain. Hes uh, kind of Goth.
Mr. Fontain: Uh ohhhh ..
Circe nightshade: Well anyway hes really pasty.
Mr. Fontain: Oh. Just call me Tony. All the kids do. Tony Baloney thats me! [ laughs ] I sleep down here sometimes.
Circe nightshade: Right
Mr. Fontain: Now dont you kids worry about having your weird little party here because, hell, if I got busted for doin something weird down here [ laughs ]
Azrael Abyss: All right, thank you! To-ny Ba-lo-ney!
Circe nightshade: Now, On to the Prom of Doom !!!!
Azrael Abyss: rawr pssts! This years theme song has been written by our shadowy kinsmen, Baron Nocturna. [ Points to Baron ] Baron! Please do tell us about the song-a.
Baron Nocturna: [ holding a Casio keyboard ]Well Azreal, Its a cruel mockery of the recent Academy Award Winning Theme Song, from Titanic. I call it, My Heart Will Go On . A PLATE!!!! [ pressing down on the keyboard making the sound of an organ ]
[ Circe and Azreal look into the camera ]
Azrael Abyss: Ohhhhh I.. Dont.. Get It.
Baron Nocturna: It will chill you to the marrow and a 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. [presses button on the keyboard which plays Casio beats ] [ singing ] Near . Far . Wherever you are I will alwa [ interrupted ]
Circe nightshade: But, Baron Nocturna, thats just the real song.
Baron Nocturna: But I havent gotten to the dark part yet, but when I do you may welsh stare into the void, of insanity [ resumes singing ] . Near . Far . Wherev.[ interrupted ]
Azrael Abyss: [ stops the music ] Ok thats enough, Baron!
[Azreal and Circe walk to the side of the room and Mr. Fontain follows them ]
Circe nightshade: Oh great. Now what are we gonna do? We got no song now.
Mr. Fontain: Hmm Hey, are you kids into pornos?
Azrael Abyss: How bout more music?
[ Azreal and Circe move to Baron and Azreal turns on the music]
Baron Nocturna: [ singing ] Near . Far.. [ Glen and his date come in and he slams the door in Barons face in the process ]
Glen: Hey!!! Tony!! Baloney!! Did you score that beer
Azrael Abyss: [ pushing Glen ] Glen, go away, get awa..
Glen: Todd! [ shoving Azreal to the side ]
Azrael Abyss: Ahh!! Ohww!!
Glen’s Date: [ drunk ] Oh my god Glen, isnt that your freak brother that works at Dunkin Donuts?
Glen: Yah, Its him man.
Azrael Abyss: [ comes back up ] No, I work at Cinnabuns.
Glen: [ shoving Azreal ] Shut up Todd!!!
Azrael Abyss: Eh!!
Glen: Ya score that beer, Tony Balones?
Mr. Fontain: [ giving a case of beers to Glen ] Here ya go numb nuts.
Glen: Rollin Rock. You are the kid!
Mr. Fontain: All right look, thats twelve beers thatll be 50 bucks my man?
Glen: Oh sure man [ reaching in his pockets ] I got singles man, I got you covered. [ gives money to Mr. Fontain ] Huh, all right.
Mr. Fontain: What ever ya got.
Glen’s Date: [ diluted ]
Glen: Honey, Im gonna hide this, in the crapper, ok? What out side babe. [ shoves her out ]
Glen’s Date: K!!!
Mr. Fontain: Im gonna help her wait [ walks out ]
Glen: [ walks further into the room and looks around ] You guys are so Pa-thetic. Can I say that? Im goin in the crapper, Im gonna pounce the beer.
Azrael Abyss: [ sticks his toung out ] Ehhh!!!!
Glen: [ shoves Azreal down ] Shut up Todd.[ leaves ]
Circe nightshade: Glen?
Azrael Abyss: [ gets back up ] Ok. Moving on. Lets go straight to our Prom of Doom Sacrifice
Circe nightshade: Yes The sacrifice when we like demons of hell, will burst into the Prom upstairs, and SPLATTER the dance floor with a bucket of pigs blood. HA!!! HA!! HA!! HA!! HA!! HA!!
Azrael Abyss: Actually we dont have any pigs blood, cause I couldnt find any.
Mr. Fontain: Hey I got pigs blood. I got all kinds of blood. How much ya need?
Azrael Abyss: All right, thats all about the time we have
Mr. Fontain: Heww its hotter than a bastard down here. Ya all dont mind if I take my pants of do you?
[ All the Goths are discussed ]
Circe nightshade: Ah!! Tony Baloney!!
Mr. Fontain: Dont worry, I wearing und [ surprised ] Oh, I guess Im not. [ laughs ]
Baron Nocturna: Oh man, Tony Baloneys naked. [ leaves ]
Azrael Abyss: Join us next week, until then stay out of the [ with Circe ] daylight. [ Mr. Fontain walks up to them ] Put your pants on!!
Applicant: Hi. I’m, uh.. here for the job interview?
Interviewer: [ puzzled ] Have a seat.
Applicant: Thanks. [ sits ] How you doing?
Interviewer: [ gruff ] I’m alright! [ awkward pause ] So, you want to work here?
Applicant: Well, yeah, of course! I’d love to work here! Are you, uh.. are you asking me a question?
Interviewer: What do you think?
Applicant: Well, yeah.. it sounds like you were askin me a question.
Interviewer: Well, you’re right. I was asking you a question. What did you think I was doing?
Applicant: I don’t know.
Interviewer: What did you think, I was making a joke?
Applicant: No.. no, I don’t.. I mean.. I-I didn’t..
Interviewer: Geez! Okay. Alrigh,t what is this? I can’t even read . what is your name here? Is it Joe..? John..?
Applicant: Michael.
Interviewer: Michael? It looks like John.
Applicant: It’s Michael.
Interviewer: Yeah, I know that now! i’m just saying, the way you wrote it, it looks like John. Alright? [ ] Alright, what’s this? What does this say here? [ trying to read ] Yucca? Yucla? Yuc? Yucla? What?
Applicant: That’s, um.. that’s UCLA.
Interviewer: [ confused ] UCLA? What is that, some kind of club?
Applicant: No, it’s a college. Um.. I went there for four years.
Interviewer: I never heard of it! I’ve heard of Pepperdine! Why didn’t you go to Pepperdine?
Applicant: I don’t know.. I just didn’t.. I went to UCLA.
Interviewer: Yeah, I know that now! I’m just saying, I’ve heard of Pepperdine! Is that alright with you? Is that alright that I’ve heard of it?!
Applicant: [ uneasy ] Of course.
Interviewer: You know, John.. it’s not all here. You know what I’m saying? Some of it’s here. [ ] Man! [ changing subject ] Are you married, John?
Applicant: Michael. No.
Interviewer: You got a girl?
Applicant: [ afraid to answer ] Yeah.. kind of.
Interviewer: And when’s the last time you had sex? I don’t mean with her – I mean with anybody.
Applicant: Well, uh.. a couple of weeks..
Interviewer: Yeah? I haven’t had sex in a while. Yeah, her name was, uh.. well, it was like a pet’s name. Something like Dash.. or.. Dasher.. Not like Dashhound, but.. Dash something. Dash.. Dashee.. Dash.. I don’t know. Anyway, she looked alright. She had a rod in her leg. She couldn’t dance. It sucked!
Applicant: [ not sure how to respond ] I’m sorry..
Interviewer: Yeah, what can you do? Alright, I’m not gonna hire you.
Applicant: [ outraged ] Why not?
Interviewer: Well, because I don’t like you. Imean, I’m getting this weird kind of vibe from you, you know? But if you want to continue the interview, we can.
Applicant: Why would I want to sit here and be interviewed, when I know I’m not gonna get the job?
Interviewer: I think you’re an interesting guy! We’ve got a lot in common! I mean, my name is also John.
Applicant: My name’s Michael! Michael! Not John! I’m gonna.. I’m gonna go..
Interviewer: Go?! Wha- Wait! What are you talking about?! I just told you I haven’t had sex in a long time, man! I just gave you a piece of me! And now, you just wanna bail?! You’ve gotta give me something, man! You gotta open up!
Applicant: Well.. what do you want to know..? I mean.. I don’t know what to tell you..
Interviewer: Something personal!Anything! I don’t care!
Applicant: [ thinking ] I don’t know.. I.. I’m allergic to cats..?
Interviewer: [ furious ] I tell you I haven’t had SEX in nine years!! And you tell me you’re allergic to CATS?! What the hell?! GET OUT!!
Applicant: What are you talking about?! I was gonna go! You asked me to stay here!
Interviewer: [ flip-flops ] Alright, you got the job!
Applicant: [ confused, but surprised ] I.. I do?
Interviewer: Yeah, man, it’s that simple. Congratulations!
Applicant: Thank you..
Interviewer: You start tomorrow.
Applicant: Okay!
Interviewer: You did great.
Applicant: Great!
Interviewer: See you tomorrow, buddy.
Applicant: Okay. Thanks!
Interviewer: Alright, be good, John. [ Applicant exits, as Woman enters ] You – come on in.
Woman: Yes!
Interviewer: Listen, I gotta tell you – I just gave that guy the job – but if you want to continue this interview, we can.
Woman: [ confused, but sits ] What?
Interviewer: Now.. when’s the last time you had sex, John?
Judge Judy…..Cheri Oteri
Burt the Bailiff…..Tracy Morgan
Bebe Vanderhouse…..Ana Gasteyer
Leonard Haggerty…..Steve Buscemi
Announcer…..Will Ferrell
Announcer: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This is her courtroom. This is Judge Judy.
Burt the Bailiff: Order, all rise.
Announcer: Bebe Vanderhouse is suing dance instructor Leonard Haggerty for the money she paid him for hip-hop style dance lessons.
Burt the Bailiff: Be seated! Your honor, this is case number 163. Vanderhouse vs. Haggerty. All parties have been sworn in.
Judge Judy: Burt, I see the goatee is back.
Burt the Bailiff: Well, I’m single again, Judge.
Judge Judy: Too bad I’m married again.
Burt the Bailiff: The judge is a flirt.
Judge Judy: Hey, its not a sin to look.
Burt the Bailiff: The judge is married, but she ain’t dead.
Judge Judy: All right, lets get down to business here. Now, Mrs. Vanderhouse, you took lessons from this gentleman. And you were not happy with the results, is that correct?
Bebe Vanderhouse: That is correct, your honor. You see, my daughter’s wedding was coming up, and I wanted to learn some of the moves, you know. The dance moves I’ve seen on the MTV. So I saw Mr. Haggerty’s ad-
Leonard Haggerty: [Interrupts] Uh, that would be “Bust A Move Inc.”, your honor.
Judge Judy: Hey! Hey! Hey, sir. I’ll grind the organ when I want the monkey to dance. Got it?!
Leonard Haggerty: o-okay.
Judge Judy: So madame, you had a problem with this man’s technique, is that correct?
Bebe Vanderhouse: He had no technique, your honor. I think he just made it up as he went along. I ended up looking like a horse’s ass.
Leonard Haggerty: Judge, she looked like a horse’s ass even before I showed up.
Judge Judy: Hey! Hey! Bup, bup! Hey! Listen bo-jangles, you do not want me to come over there!
Burt the Bailiff: You do not want that.
Judge Judy: Now continue, madame.
Bebe Vanderhouse: Well, first of all, when he arrived at my home, he asked me to take off my bra. Insisting that I would be a better dancer if I free up my rack.
Leonard Haggerty: The rack and the ass need to work with the feet, your honor.
Judge Judy: Ok sir look! I’m getting up [puts leg on bench]. Look! see that? I’m coming! Okay it’s on the bench!
Burt the Bailiff: [points at leg] Here comes the leg.
Judge Judy: You do not want me to come over there, sir. Okay. Interrupt again, and you’ll be dancing with the nutcracker [taps gavel on gavel platform]. Yeah, just put them right here they’ll fit. All right, now Mr.Haggerty sir, what are your qualifications as a dance instructor?
Leonard Haggerty: Well, right off the bat I can tell you right off the bat I’ve been to a lot of dance clubs. Which is printed here on my resume.
Judge Judy: Oh, I gotta see this.
Burt the Bailiff: She got to see this [grabs resume].
Leonard Haggerty: My foster mother told me there were two things I did good. Number one, Lying. Fifth, dancing. Now I started break dancing when I was only 29. By 32, I was free-styling, and at 37 I got into hip-hopping and never looked back.
Judge Judy: Sir, it says nothing here about any formal training. Where exactly did you study, tommy-tune?
Leonard Haggerty: [hesitant] At the, uh…..U.S.?
Judge Judy: Okay. Sir, you do not have a leg warmer to stand on.
Leonard Haggerty: All right, all right. Your honor, I admit it. I didn’t take any high-class classes, but the proof is in the pudding…in my feet. You with me?
Judge Judy: You last me at the off ramp.
Burt the Bailiff: He’s not in the rearview mirror.
Leonard Haggerty: Okay. Your honor, if you would just educe me for a minute, so I can demonstrate my special gift.
Bebe Vanderhouse: Great, why don’t you show the white tornado?
Leonard Haggerty: Shut up, I was gonna show her that.
Bebe Vanderhouse: Don’t you tell me to shut up!
Judge Judy: All right.
Leonard Haggerty: First I gotta warm up with some free styling. [hip-hop music plays, Mr. Haggerty starts dancing] Here we go. All right. Everybody feel it? Okay, and one-two. Here comes the tornado! [dancing] Everybody say he-ey!
Burt the Bailiff: [throws hands up] He-ey!
Judge Judy: Burt!
Burt the Bailiff: [hands down] No-oo.
Leonard Haggerty: Your honor, I am gonna free-style right now into the rug baby bumper. Here we go! [music still playing] Everyboday say he-ey!
Judge Judy: Okay, sir, bup bup!! No. The club is closing, sir! The club is full.
Leonard Haggerty: Wait judge, please. I got a killer groove I’m gonna bust out just for you, all right? Here we go. [takes off jacket and swings it with music playing] Everybody say he-ey!
Audience: He-ey!
Leonard Haggerty: He-ey!
Audience: He-ey!
Leonard Haggerty: Everybody say hey.
Judge Judy: Okay. [Imitates Mr. Haggerty] Everybody’s seen enough! Everybody’s seen enough! [music stops] All right, I’m ready to rule!
Burt the Bailiff: She’s ready to rule!
Judge Judy: Mr. Haggerty, you may not be aware of this, but I was a regular at Studio 54 in the 70’s. Myself, Halston, Liza, we all hung out. So no one is gonna pull the dance skin over these eyes, got it? So I’m gonna tell you something, sir. Something that I know. You……..can dance!
Leonard Haggerty: Yesss!
Judge Judy: Not only do you cut a rug, you weave it and then you shake it out the door.
Bebe Vanderhouse: What the hell?!
Judge Judy: Hey, hey! Bup, bup! Madame! Madame! Okay, okay I’m gonna tell you to shut that wood chopping accident you call a mouth!
Bebe Vanderhouse: I went to Vassar!
Judge Judy: Simply put madame, simply put! You are ignorant, you are a liar ma’am, and you’re a whore.
Bebe Vanderhouse: My god! My god!
Judge Judy: The court rules in favor of the defendant! Burt, hose her down!
Bebe Vanderhouse: I don’t believe this, this is ridiculous!
Judge Judy: You sir, press play, because I wanna see more of this dancing.
[Mr. Haggerty presses play, hip-hop music starts, and he dances]
Tom Wilkins…..Will Ferrell Cass van Rye…..Cheri Oteri Alphie Nye…..Steve Buscemi Announcer…..Darrell Hammond …..Didi Conn
Announcer: Good morning! Grab a cup and get ready to fill it with “Morning Latte.”
Tom Wilkins: [Both laughing] Oh, that’s very funny. Good morning! I’m Tom Wilkins.
Cass van Rye: Oh! And I’m Cass Van Rye. Yeah! yes. Hey, how about this warm weather?
Tom Wilkins: Wow. It’s been warm.
Cass van Rye: Spring has Sprung!
Tom Wilkins: Spring has Sprung!
Cass van Rye: Yes! It has, and it’s been unusually warm.
Tom Wilkins: Yes it is, yes.
Cass van Rye: Hey just the other day, I – I put on an extra swipe of Lady’s Speed Stick, and I still stunk to high heaven.
Tom Wilkins: Wow. You still stink right now.
Cass van Rye: Really? [smells arm pits]
Tom Wilkins: Yea.
Cass van Rye: That’s right.
Tom Wilkins: You’re right. It is warm. It is warm. I have to say I know hundreds of people have died, but God bless El Nino.
Cass van Rye: God bless El Nino, yes. Because it made things beautiful. This cup is half full! [laughing]
Tom Wilkins: Cass, you know what they say about march. It comes in like a lion, –
Cass van Rye: – and out like a bird.
Tom Wilkins: Out like a lamb.
Cass van Rye: Out like a lamb. Meow. Meow. Meow. [ Imitates cat with hands]
Tom Wilkins: [Confused] Okay. So…uh…Cass what did you do Oscar night?
Cass van Rye: Oh, Oscar night. Eli and I went to an Oscar party thrown by my best friend in the whole wide world, Markie Post.
Tom Wilkins: Markie Post. Yes.
Cass van Rye: Well, I’ll tell you Tom, everybody was there. Everybody! Sandy Duncan was there. David Soul dropped by. Screech from Saved by the Bell was there.
Tom Wilkins: Ooh Screech, I love screech.
Cass van Rye: It was a good time.
Tom Wilkins: Well after seeing “Titanic,” I did not want to see any of the other movies nominated.
Cass van Rye: No.
Tom Wilkins: No.
Cass van Rye: But I will have to say that I did enjoy the film about the genius janitor, uh “Good Will Hunting.” But Robin Williams was not funny.
Tom Wilkins: No?
Cass van Rye: No. He was off his game.
Tom Wilkins: I’ve been hearing that from a lot of people. I’ve been hearing that. “Titanic” is clearly the best.
Cass van Rye: Viva la Cameron! Viva la Cameron!
Tom Wilkins: Viva la Cameron!
Cass van Rye: Case closed, case closed!
Tom Wilkins: Close it up!
Cass van Rye: Case closed!
Tom Wilkins: Close it up!…Well if that doesn’t get you going, our next segment will. What’s the word Cass?
Both: Grease!
Cass van Rye: Grease is the word, and it is back in theaters, and that is cool by this pink lady. [fake laugh]
Tom Wilkins: Our guest today calls himself the #1 fan of the 20 year-old phenomenon that we call “Grease”. He’s seen it over 5,000 times. Let’s bring out the coolest T-Bird around, Mr. Alphie Nye.
[Both laughing]
Cass van Rye: That’s fun. Welcome Alphie.
Tom Wilkins: Yes.
Alphie Nye: Thanks. Well, it’s definitely great to be here, because…[signing]we go together, like a ramalamalama kidi-kidi ding-dong.[laughing]Cass van Rye: What fun!Tom Wilkins: That’s fun!Alphie Nye: I’m really pumped to be here, celebrating the re-release of thegreatest movie musical of all time, “Grease.”Cass van Rye: Yes. Now Alphie, tell us something about grease that we wouldn’tknow.Tom Wilkins: Yeah.Alphie Nye: Okay, I thought you’d never ask. I just happen to have here, Frenchey’s Grease scrapbook. By my favorite cast member Ms. Didi Conn. Now this is interesting – few people know that Stockard Channing was not the original choice for the role if Rizzo.
Cass van Rye: What?!
Tom Wilkins: Really!
Cass van Rye: What?!
Tom Wilkins: Really!
Cass van Rye: WHAT?!
Tom Wilkins: Really!
Alphie Nye: No. Actually the first choice for the role of Rizzo was the Hispanic entertainer Charro.
Tom Wilkins: But she never bothered to learn “our” language.
Cass van Rye: No, she didn’t.
Alphie Nye: And the T-birds were originally called the Pelicans.
Tom Wilkins: Oh, that’s odd.
Cass van Rye: I don’t like the way that hits my ear.
Tom Wilkins: That’s odd.
Alphie Nye: Everybody knows that Danny Zuko Would have flipped his lid if someone would have called him a pelican…Damn it!
Cass van Rye: Well, you know, I took my two nieces to Grease on opening weekend.
Tom Wilkins: Oh, did your husband Eli go?
Cass van Rye: No, we separated….but my nieces had a blast.
Tom Wilkins: Now you took your nieces, because you can’t kids of you own.
Cass van Rye: No. That’s right, I cannot get pregnant. Yes. Because you see, my uterus, is collapsed and inside out.
Tom Wilkins: Yeah, Alphie. Alphie, it’s collapsed…and inside out. There’s nothing coming out of here [points at Cass’ stomach]
Cass van Rye: [Points at her stomach] No. No. There are no buns in this oven. No buns.
Tom Wilkins: No buns.
Cass van Rye: This bakery is closed!
Tom Wilkins: The bakery is closed!
Cass van Rye: Bakery is closed!
Tom Wilkins: Forget it. No day old bread here.
Cass van Rye: No. [Grabs Alphie’s hand] Here, feel my uterus. There’s nothing there.
Tom Wilkins: Yeah. It’s collapsed. It’s collapsed.
Alphie Nye: I am no gynecologist, but I’m a Grease-ologist, who was born to do the hand jive.
[Alphie stands up and demonstrates hand jive as music plays]
Tom Wilkins: I love that.
[Cass stands up and tries to do hand jive]
Cass van Rye: I want to do that! How do you do that? I can’t!
Tom Wilkins: I can’t do that!
Cass van Rye: I can’t!
Tom Wilkins: Oh that’s terrible!
Cass van Rye: I can’t! That’s – what a hoot!
[All sit down]
Alphie Nye: I just was born to hand jive!
Cass van Rye: What a hoot!
Tom Wilkins: Well, I just love the dancing in that movie, but I do not care for the music.
Cass van Rye: No. No. Well, everyone knows that the songs were the worst part. Worst part of “Grease.”
Tom Wilkins: Yeah, there just bad —
Alphie Nye: Woah, woah! What are you talking about? The soundtrack has sold like a zillion copies. The songs…are classics.
Cass van Rye: Well, you know what, I think you are gonna get a kick out of next classic that we have. A little surprise for you. Everybody, the legendary Didi Conn!
Tom Wilkins: Didi!
Alphie Nye: I cant believe it! Didi! Didi Conn!
[Alphie takes off “T-Bird” jacket and reveals “Pink Ladies” jacket]
Didi Conn: I love you guys.
Alphie Nye: I’m a huge fan, I’m looking at Frenchey!
Didi Conn: [To Tom and Cass] I love you guys.
Cass van Rye: Aww, you love us? We love you! Stop it.
Tom Wilkins: Didi, how great were you in Benson? Do we have a clip?
Didi Conn: Oh, I wish I brought one.
Cass van Rye: Oh.
Didi Conn: Did you like that episode when I gave birth to little Petey in the elevator?
Alphie Nye: Who the hell is Petey?
Cass van Rye: You know, I loved you in “You Light Up my Life.”
Tom Wilkins: Oh what a tearjerker, what a tearjerker.
Cass van Rye: Oh I’ll never forget that.
Alphie Nye: [Frustrated] What’s your problem? This is Frenchy for God’s sakes.
Cass van Rye: Hey. How is Robert Guillaume? Bobby Guillaume. How is he?
Didi Conn: He’s great! I just saw him in “Lamb Chop’s Passover.” He was great.
Cass van Rye: He’s a fun guy, I like him.
Tom Wilkins: Oh, all the appearances.
Cass van Rye: Oh, all the appearances on Love Boat, this one.
Tom Wilkins: Yes.
Cass van Rye: All the appearances on Love Boat. This one –
Alphie Nye: [Explodes] Love boat!! come on!! She’s the beauty school dropout from “Grease,” you stupid bitch!!! I’m gonna go blow my brains out!1 I finally get to meet Frenchy, and you’re talking about “Love Boat!!”
[moment of silence]
Tom Wilkins: [happy again] Well be right back everybody!
[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We flyinto the impenetrable discharge of twosmokestacks.]
Announcer: And now, from the news capital ofthe world, it’s “Weekend Update with ColinQuinn.”
[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of NewYork from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / withCOLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve toStudio 8H and Colin Quinn seated at the WUdesk.]
Colin Quinn: Hello. I’m Colin Quinn. Thank you. Thank you so much. The big story this week, Paula Jones’ sexual harassment lawsuit against the president was thrown out. When reached for comment, the president said “I’m glad this is over. Now we can move on and forget about Paula Jones and focus on what is really important – the fact that I nailed Miss America. So now it’s all over for you. It’s all over for little Miss Paula Jones. No more reporters on your lawn. No more going to the beauty parlor with Susan Carpenter McMillian. Yeah, maybe ifyou’re lucky, you’ll do a couple of Cinemax movies with Anderw Stevens and Shannon Tweed. But that’s about it Paula, so it’s been swell. Good luck with your psychic hotline.” She’s gone. [Imitating President Clinton] “won’t see her no more.”
While visiting an African Catholic church, President Clinton, a Baptist, received communion. Luckily his advisers stopped him from entering a confessional, after they calculated that his penance would be 6 million Our Fathers and 18 million Hail Mary’s.
In Chicago this week, mayor Richard Daley was accused of referring to their St. Patrick’s day queen, Jennifer Battistone, as a dago. I don’t know about you, but I find this terribly offensive. What the hell is an Italian doing leading a St. Patrick’s day parade? There goes my union book.
Seventeen year-old actor Macauly Culkin got engaged this week to seventeen year-old actress Rachel Minor. It will be the first disastrous marriage for both.
This week, the FDA approved the sexual potency drug Viagra. Doctors cautioned against overdosing on the anti-impotence drug, citing the case of a 46 year-old Virginia man who couldn’t get rid of his erection for 19 hours. Doctors say if this happens, remain calm, drink some water and try to find a picture of this woman. [Picture of Linda Tripp appears, applause] Right now she’s home crying watching this, all right?
The European union took steps this week toward making the euro, the merged form of currency for 11 participating countries. The only nation not involved will be Switzerland, who said “we’ll stick to our official form of currency – Nazi gold.”
Daniel Remeta, a spree killer who has the mental age of a child , was executed in Florida this week. For his last meal, he requested a sno-cone. All right? No matter how tough the prison guards were, that had to get to you. That’s hardcore. To put a guy in the electric chair while he’s eating a sno-cone. He’s sitting there, you’re like “Come on, were going for a ride in the nice chair. Dead man with an ice cream headache walking.” That’s Florida’s fourth execution in nine days by the way. That’s there fourth in nine days. Geez, do you think the uh executioners are going on vacation? What the hell, is he trying to wrapup? That kinda petered out.
In business news, Mattel has allegedly offered 77.4 million dollars to acquire Bluebird toys, the makers of Etch-A-Sketch. It is predicted that after two weeks, Mattel will become bored with the company, and leave it at a friend’s house. [applause] Childhood, huh? Childhood!
Rocker Tommy Lee is about to go on trial for beating up a Jewish paparazzi. Lee wants to hide from the jury the fact that he has the tattoo of a swastika. When asked for comment, Lee said ” I’m confident that my Jew lawyers will be able to get it suppressed.”
Seals off the Jersey shore are dying from a mysterious disease that starts with a cough and a runny nose. Symptoms first appeared after Clearence Clemmons went skinny dipping.
We all saw James Cameron’s Oscar speech last week, all right, and what an idiot, I know. He asked for a moment of silence for the Titanic, and then he says “let’s party til dawn.” Even Fiona Apple is saying “man, that was a jackass acceptance speech, you know?” And what about “I’m king of the world?” You know, even the pope is at home giving the TV the finger. Saying “Hey, king of the world? Who am I, Wink Martindale? I’m the pope, you don’t see me acting like that.”
Now this week, Michigan police returned Dr. Jack Kivorkian’s assistant suicide machine. In a related story, Kenny G. got a new saxophone.
Palestinian leader, Yasser Arafat toured the Amsterdam building where Anne Frank hid from the Nazi’s during World War II. Out of habit, Arafat blurted out “Hey, she’s in here!”
Editor’s of several major publishing houses, report that Mike Tyson is looking for a book deal in the seven figure range. Luckily for publishes, Mike Tyson has no understanding of where decimal points go. [ picture of handwritten $20.000 00] You don’t have to applaud that much, I’m the one who has to face him some day. I’m saying it to his face right now.
Anyway, I’ve been asked to read this announcement by the way, daylight savings time begins tonight at 2am. We will set our clocks ahead one hour, and loose an hour of sleep. It’s not that big a deal, you just set your clock ahead. So what, I’m not gonna lose sleep over it. You don’t know how many people are happy in telling me “I told you that wouldn’t work, but I – I trusted you people.”
Now this week — never mind that. This week the FDA approved the use ofsucralose, a no-calorie sweetener that is 600 times sweeter than sugar.Sucralose is created by rearranging the molecules of sugar into a form that can pass through the body without being absorbed. It will also be available under it’s other name – cancer.
Oh my god. Last week, Green Bay Packers defensive end Reggie White delivered an hour long speech to the Wisconsin state assembly, in which he made sweeping and shocking generalizations about different races. Here to explain his controversial remarks is Reggie White.
Reggie White: Thank you, Colin. Thank you. Thank you for this opportunity to clear my name. I feel nothing but regret about what took place in Wisconsin.
Colin Quinn: So, you’re sorry about your speech?
Reggie White: Absolutely, Colin. I’m as upset as anybody about what happened.. For instance, I never even got a chance to talk about Samoans. Dirty, filthy, stupid Samoans.
Colin Quinn: Reggie, uh, please that’s really offensive.
Reggie White: Oh, no, don’t get me wrong. I hate Samoans.
Colin Quinn: Right. That’s what I thought you meant.
Reggie White: Oh, good. I’m a little worried about being misunderstood, you know? Which is why I also want to be extra clear about my feelings of hatred towards midgets.
Colin Quinn: All right, I think that’s enough.
Reggie White: Good question, Colin. I like that. Good question. Good question….. The bible does in fact condemn midgetry. I believe it was Jesus or God, who said, and I quote “thou shall not midget thy self.” Hey Colin, you ever seen a midget in a suit? That is nasty. Nasty. I digress, man. The point is, every race and ethnic group has something unique to offer. For instance, midgets are good at being hated. Or take the gypsies. They good at being filthy, and lying and stealing things. Stole my hubcaps last week. You see what I mean?
Colin Quinn: No, I really don’t, actually.
Reggie White: Gypsies and midgets, man. Gypsies and midgets. And you know what’s even worse then that, them plain midgets? Is those really tall midgets you see walking around.
Colin Quinn: You mean…people?
Reggie White: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yes. Yes indeed. Yes indeed. Without a doubt, I hate them. I hate them. And that’s really – and that’s really what I’m trying to say here.
Colin Quinn: Right. Reggie White everybody.
Reggie White: Thanks for the support, Colin. I’ll get you some tickets, come on down to the game.
Colin Quinn: I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 23: Episode 18 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
April 11th, 1998 Greg Kinnear All Saints Bob Hoskins None Martha Stewart LivingSummary: Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer) and good friend Chad Burman (Greg Kinnear) will celebrate the Easter festivities – with no emphasis on Passover – on tomorrow’s episode. Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart. Transcript
Montage
Greg Kinnear’s MonologueSummary: Greg Kinnear shows the audience a clip from “As Good As It Gets” which features the on-screen flaw that must have cost him the Best Supporting Actor Oscar. Note: Among the Oscar wins for “As Good As It Gets” were Helen Hunt (Best Actress) and Jack Nicholson (Best Actor), who hosted and cameoed this season’s Christmas episode. Bio: Greg Kinnear (1963-) formerly hosted the original “Talk Soup” on the E! Network and followed Bob Costas on NBC’s “Later” before launching into a film career.
Cookie Dough SportSummary: Cookie dough right when you need it most. Note: Repeat from 10/04/97.
Name That Dog!Summary: Game show contestants guess the names of various dogs. Transcript
The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbie Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) perform a drug medley for patients at a rehab center. Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.
High Five!Summary: B-Ball (Greg Kinnear) can’t stop giving everyone high fives, which embarrasses his blind date (Cheri Oteri).
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel’s “Fun With Real Audio” turns Tom Snyder into a stalker during an interview with Dolly Parton. Note: Repeat from 02/22/97.
House of DogsSummary: Proprietor Thurmond Sykes (Tracy Morgan) sells dangerous dogs, just like the ones seen on “Name That Dog!”
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Heavy metal singer Gunner Olsen (Jim Breuer) delivers the loud, metal version of headline news stories. Recurring Characters: Gunner Olsen. Transcript
All Saints perform “Never Ever”Bio: The members of British/Canadian pop music girl group All Saints are Melanie Blatt, Shaznay Lewis, and sisters Nicole and Natalie Appleton. They’re named after All Saints Road in London, where Melanie and Shaznay started their career as backing vocalists at the ZTT Recording Studios.
Ted Koppel’s BrotherSummary: Newsman Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) is reunited with his younger brother Randy (Greg Kinnear), who’s a junkie. Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel.
Walk The PlankSummary: Captain Kidd (Bob Hoskins) forces his captive (Will Ferrell), which is so enormously long that its own purpose is defeated.
The Robin Byrd ShowSummary: Russ Nickles (Greg Kinnear) is accidentally booked for a stripping appearance on Robin Byrd’s (Cheri Oteri) talk show. Recurring Characters: Robin Byrd.
Later ReunionSummary: The many hosts of “Later” will gather together for an upcoming all-star reunion on NBC.
The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey reflects upon the versatility of playing dead.
Jackson Nelson…..Greg Kinnear Aaron Jonner…..Tim Meadows Bill Mealy…..Chris Kattan Model 1…..Ana Gasteyer Model 2…..Molly Shannon Model 3…..Cheri Oteri
Announcer: You’re watching the Game Show Network. Staytuned for Name That Dog.
Jingle: You gotta guess that dog’s name(woof,woof)You gotta play the game(woof,woof,woof,woof)You gotta try and try and try and try to name thatdog(woof, woof,woof,woof. Logo of the show appears onscreen which is a dog cartoon with a question mark onit’s chest)
Announcer: Name That Dog! And now it’s time for thegame show where you gotta guess that dog’s name. NameThat Dog!, with your host Jackson Nelson!
(Applause,host runs to his podium. The set is thefront door of a doghouse and the contestants podiumsare decorated with giant dog’s heads)
Jackson Nelson: Hello everybody! I’m Jackson Nelsonand this is Name That Dog! Let’s go ahead and meet ourcontestants, shall we? Bill Mealy is a jigsaw puzzlephotographer from Bay Mill, Rhode Island.
(Bill is very excited, runs to his dog-podium)
Bill: Ruff!Ruff! Good to be here!
Jackson Nelson: Aaron Jonner does repair andmaintenance on the intercom systems for the fast fooddrive thru menus.
(Aaron is super excited, gets to his dog-podium)
Aaron: I’M GONNA GUESS THAT DOG’S NAME!!
Jackson Nelson: Take it easy there, Aaron! You allknow how the game is played, we’re gonna show you adog and you have to correctly guess it’s given name.First round is worth $300 dollars a dog and the finalround is worth a $1,000 dollars. Are you ready?
Bill: YEAH!!
Aaron: I’M GONNA GUESS THAT DOG’S NAME!!
Jackson Nelson: All right then, let’s begin. Dognumber one is a mixed breed 4 year old from SanAntonio, Texas. (Model #1 brings out a dog on a leash)
(Beep)
Jackson Nelson: Bill?
Bill: Is it Champ?(Buzzer)
Jackson Nelson: No. Aaron you can steal this question.
Aaron: I’ve got it! Champagne!!(Buzzer)
Jackson Nelson: No, the dog’s name is Trooper. Trooperwas the dog. Next dog. And who can name it?
(Model #2 brings out next dog on a leash)
(Beep)
Jackson Nelson: Aaron.
Aaron: FRANKLIN!!(Buzzer)
Jackson Nelson: No.(Beep)Bill?
Bill: General?(Buzzer)
Jackson Nelson: No, it was Lobo! Lobo was the dog. Andthe next dog. Here we go. Who can name that dog?
(Model #3 comes out with big German Shepard)
(Beep)
Jackson Nelson: Aaron?
Aaron: Br- BOWSER!!(Buzzer)
Jackson Nelson: No! Not Bowser.(Beep)Bill?
Bill: Montana?(Buzzer)
Jackson Nelson: No, it’s name is Shep. Next oneplease.
(Model#1 comes out carrying a small white poodle onher hands)
(Beep)
Jackson Nelson: Bill?
Bill: Um, Princess?(Buzzer)
Jackson Nelson: No. I’m afraid not.(Beep)Aaron?
Aaron: GINGER!!(Buzzer)
Jackson Nelson: No! Dog’s name was Steve! Steve wasthe dog.
Bill: Ohh!
Jackson Nelson: And let’s go ahead with the nextdog–(siren wails)Oh, my Goodness!, is a double dogdare! Double dog dare! Double value on this guess.Name those dogs if you would.
(Model #2 comes out with 2 small dogs)
(Beep)
Jackson Nelson: Bill?
Bill: Pepe and Pierre.(Buzzer)
Jackson Nelson: No, I’m afraid not.(Beep)Aaron?
Aaron: Fred and Barney!(Buzzer)
Jackson Nelson: No, it was Lawrence and Cynthia. Toughbreak, tough break. Next dog, please.
(Model #3 brings out a Lassie look-alike dog)
Jackson Nelson: Who can name that dog?(Beep)Bill?
Bill: Lassie?(Buzzer)
Jackson Nelson: No.(Beep)Aaron!
Aaron: LADY!(Buzzer)
Jackson Nelson: Wait! Judges can we acceptLady?(Buzzer)I’m sorry we cannot accept Lady. Thecorrect answer is Gummo! Gummo was what we werelooking for. Very close, though, very close. And let’sgo on to the next dog–(Trumpets blare)Well, that’sthe sound of the blaring trumpets and that means itstime for the Wall of Dogs.(Wall of Dogs appears onscreen. The 3 models all appear with 10 dogssurrounding them, all of the dogs are on theirleashes)Bill, why don’t you start?
Bill: Ruff!, ruff!
Jackson Nelson: And if you would. Begin.
(Camera pans across showing all of the 10 dogs)
Bill: OK, let’s see, Freddy, Remington, God!, thatlooks like a Thumper, uh, Iris, uh, Pogo, let’s saythe one not facing me Budweiser, uh,uh, Gump, Katie,Melon over there and that’s Ned the one upthere(Beep,beep. Time’s up)That’s Ned.
Jackson Nelson: Good work and your score is–(numbersflash on the screen, stops)0! Zero out of ten! Aaronlet’s see if you can beat that score.
Aaron: I’M GONNA DO IT!!
Jackson Nelson: All right. Why don’t you go ahead andbegin.
(Camera pans across again showing the same 10 dogs)
Aaron: OK, all right, Jax, Indiana walked in there.That’s Ringo, uh,let’s see OK, that’s Ernie, OK,that’s a hard one! I’ll pass, I’ll pass, pass. That’sRibsy with the back to the camera and then there’sBrandy, William and that is FRESCA!(Beep, beep. Time’sup)
Jackson Nelson: Well played, Aaron! We’re gonna goahead and tally up your score. Remember since youpassed on one, you can only receive 9 out of 10. Andlet’s take a look.(Numbers flash again, stop)O! Zeroout of ten! And the correct answer unfortunatelywas(camera pans across showing the 10 dogs)Boots,Marshall, Navy, Peanut, Dojo, Max, Douglas, Shilo,Pixie and Ruggles.
Aaron: Ruggles, Ruggles, Ruggles.
Jackson Nelson: And we have a tie! You bothwin!Congratulations!(Aaron and Bill hug and high fiveeach other)And your total winnings are $0dollars.$0.($0.00 flash on screen)I wanna thank youboth for joining us and playing this week. Next weekjoin us where we ask you the question again, Name ThatDog!
Greg Kinnear: Thank you, everybody! Thanks to All Saints.. and Bob Hoskins, ’cause he’s in the movie “24/7”! Good night, Mom, Dad, Sophie.. sleep tight! See ya! Thank you! Thank you!
Martha Stewart … Ana Gasteyer Chad Burman … Greg Kinnear
Announcer: Tomorrow on Martha Stewart Living:
Martha Stewart: I’m Martha Stewart. Gourmet jelly beans, chocolate bunnies, and a pastel rainbow of hand-painted eggs. Tomorrow on “Living,” we’ll celebrate the blossoming of Spring and resurrection of Christ when we prepare for the year’s most festive and meaningful holiday, Easter … [almost under her breath] and we’ll also talk about Passover.
The treat basket is the most delightful part of Easter for adults and children alike. I wove this one out of reeds from my garden then lined it with Irish heather and filled it with naturally-died eggs from my personal hen-house. But you don’t have to celebrate Easter to enjoy tradition. I made this Passover box out of an old bird’s nest and filled it with these giant Jewish crackers. [laughter] It’s better than nothing.
Ham is the classic main course of any Easter gathering served alongside minted peas, crab salad canapé, and hearth-baked rolls. It makes for a perfect holiday feast. From conversations with my Jewish friend, I understand that ham may not be an option for Passover. Try an herb-crusted roast loin of pork. It’s a springtime classic that’ll have everyone at your table cheering “shay-lom.” [mispronounces ‘shalom’]
And you won’t want to miss a special segment with my friend, Chad Burman.
Chad Burman: [enters frame stirring a pot, speaks in a heavy sophisticated accent] Martha and I will show you how to make authentic New York arugula.
Martha Stewart: So join me tomorrow on “Living” when we explore the tastes and traditions of Easter. And for all of our Jewish viewers, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
Air Date:
Martha Stewart LivingSummary: Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer) and good friend Chad Burman (Greg Kinnear) will celebrate the Easter festivities – with no emphasis on Passover – on tomorrow’s episode.