The Celine Dion Show


The Celine Dion Show

Celine Dion…..Ana Gasteyer
Shania Twain…..Molly Shannon
Mariah Carey…..Cheri Oteri
Gloria Estefan…..Matthew Broderick


Celine Dion Voiceover: Eh, I am French-Canadian, I am really skinny, and guess what: I am the best singer in the world! Welcome to my show!

Celine Dion: Okay! It’s time to bring my next guests out. They are my beautiful, best friends, from my VH-1 Diva concert! Please welcome country music sensation, Shanna Twain! Oh, Shanna! [ Shania Twain steps out ] The magnificant Mariah Carey! Mariah! [ Mariah Carey steps out ] And, the Cuban dynamo, Gloria Estefan! Gloria! [ Gloria Estefan steps out ] Oh! Oh, girl, it was so nice to have you on VH- Diva Live, when I blew the roof off the mother!

You look very good for a woman who has had a bus accident, and a boat accident!

Gloria Estefan: Thanks.

Celine Dion: Would you do me the honor of singing me one of your best song now?

Gloria Estefan: No. [ shakes head ]

Celine Dion: Please?

Gloria Estefan: no, no, no. Look, I know what you’re gonna do, okay? I’m gonna start to sing, and then you’re gonna get up and act like an ass, and drown me out.

Celine Dion: No.. Oh, no, Gloria, I won’t, I swear to my God! Please, do not deprive this lovely audience of your beautiful gift.

Gloria Estefan: [ suckered in ] Alright. [ stands and sings “Conga” ]“Come on, shake your body baby,
do the conga
I know you can’t control yourself any longer!”

[ Celine jumps in ]

Celine Dion: [ singing ]“I know you can’t control yourself any longer
Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger
Ole! Ole! Ole!”

[ stops suddenly ] Oh. Oh. Get the rhythm of the beat.

Gloria Estefan: Hey, Celine! You promised!

Celine Dion: Oh, I’m so sorry! If I wasn’t such a nice person, I’d think I was a showoff!

Gloria Estefan: You’re a freak!

Shania Twain: Yea-ah. You know, you’re crazy, Celine!

Mariah Carey: Yeah, you know what? I don’t have to take this – I’m going out with a Yankee shortshop. [ shakes her booty, and exits stage, Shania and Gloria follow ]

Celine Dion: Please! Don’t be jealous of me! [ piano music plays, lights dim ] I wasn’t always this lucky. There was a time when I had so many ear infections, the kid in the town would call me “Ugly, Retarded Girl”! But now, I am the best singer in the world. And now I will sing the best song in the world! [ stands and sings ]

“Once more, you opened the do-oo-oo-oorr!”

[ fade out ]

Note: This sketch was transcribed, by request, from the VH-1 SNL Music Anniversary Special, which was greatly edited. If anyone has this sketch on tape and could provide the rest of the dialogue, please e-mail me at patricklonergan@hotmail.com. Thanks!

SNL Transcripts

Flex Speed Stick


Flex Speed Stick

Man #1…..Will Ferrell
Man #2…..Chris Kattan
Man #3…..Tim Meadows


[ show various scenes of men participating in sporting activities – wrestling, mountain climbing, biking, etc. ]

Announcer: When you get active, you know you’re gonna sweat!

[ Man #1 holds up product at close-up ]

Announcer: Flex Speedstick gives you the 24-hour protection you need.

[ crude cartoon image of Flex being applied under the arm and creeping under the skin ]

In addition to powerful antiperspirants, Flex contains windstrar, cyphroderonasitate, and other performance-enhancing drugs.

[ Man #1 applies the deodorant under his arm ]

Announcer: Flex gives you an extra edge that allows you to really attack the day.

[ Man #1 tries to untwist the pedal on his bike, gets aggravated and hurls the bike across the grass ]

Announcer: It’s that extra assurance and aggression you need. Flex!

[ close-up of the evil in Man #1’s eyes – Incredible Hulk-like ] [ as Jingle plays, various scenes intercut… ] [ Man #2 tearing his clothes off as he runs in the street ] [ Man #3 misses a baseball pitch, rips off his jersey to reveal an excessively hairy chest, and attacks the pitcher with full force ] [ Man #2 stalks a deer in the woods, sneaks up on it and takes a huge bite over the shoulder and begins eating the bloody carcass ] [ Man #1 attacks a jogger, knocking him to the ground and then peeing on him to mark his territory ] [ Man #3 wrestles with a kangaroo ]

Jingle:
“Know that you’re the best
Stand above the rest.
Let your voice be heard! (Flex!)
Charging through the day! (Flex!)
Let your mind go blank (Flex!)
Do whatever you want. (Flex!)

No one’s gonna stop you
Take wht you desire.
The law doesn’t apply to you
When you use Flex!”

[ product is held up again at close-up ]

Announcer: Flex. Consult your physician. not available over the counter.

SNL Transcripts