…..Jim Breuer
…..Will Ferrell
…..Darrell Hammond
…..Matthew Broderick
Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
…..Chris Kattan
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Colin Quinn
…..Regis Philbin

Announcer: Here’s what men are saying about amazing new Viagra:

Jim Breuer: I don’t need that stuff!

Man #1: It’s not something I would need!

Will Ferrell: I wouldn’t need it.

Man #2: I have no use for it, believe me.

Man #3: I don’t need it.

Man #4: I don’t need anything like that.

Darrell Hammond: Oh, no, I don’t need that!

Man #5: Do not need it.

Man #6: I don’t need it.

Man #7: For your information, I don’t need it!

Man #8: That’s not something I need.

Man #9: You’re barking up the wrong tree, my friend.

Man #10: Hey, I don’t need it!

Matthew Broderick: Oh, no, not a problem!

Leon Phelps: Well, if anything, the Ladies Man needs a pill to.. keep it down! [ laughs ]

Announcer: Men everywhere are talking about Viagra.

Chris Kattan: No! Do you need it?

Man #11: I said I don’t need it!

Man #12: Why are you asking me?

Tracy Morgan: Why you asking me?

Man #13: Go to Hell!

Man #14: What, you think because I’m skinny or something?

Man #15: We don’t need it!

Man #16: Not at all, okay!

Man #17: Look, enough!

Colin Quinn: What, are you a moron?

Man #18: Leave the Ladies Man alone!

Man #19: Just go to Hell!

Man #20: Go to Hell, pal!

Man #21: The Hell with you!

Man #22: F–k off!

Regis Philbin: Hi. Regis Philbin here. And if you think I need Viagra, you can go straight to Hell! ‘Cause I don’t, pal. Got it?

Announcer: Viagra. I sure as hell don’t need it.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: David Duchovny: 05/09/98

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 9th, 1998

David Duchovny

Puff Daddy & Jimmy Page

Nicholas Lea

Paula Abdul

John Goodman

Puff Daddy & Jimmy Page, “Come With Me”

  • The X-Files

    Janet Reno (Will Ferrell) declares her love for Agent Muldaur (Duchovny).

    Recurring Characters: Janet Reno.

  • David Duchovny’s Monologue

    Duchovny attempts a song on cheap guitar his father gave him as a child.

  • Spartan Cheerleaders

    Craig (Will Ferrell) & Arianna (Cheri Oteri) at Paula Abdul Cheerleading Camp.

    Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

  • TV Funhouse

    The Ambiguously Gay Duo visit their Fortress of Solitude.

  • Celebrity Jeopardy

    Jeff Goldblum (Duchovny) and Minnie Driver (Molly Shannon) add confusion.

    Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery.

  • Puff Daddy & Jimmy Page perform “Come With Me”

  • Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

    Recurring Characters: Dominican Lou, Cinder Calhoun.

  • Mango

    Duchovny saves Mango’s (Chris Kattan) life, falls in love.

    Recurring Characters: Mango.

  • Oprah

    Goat Boy (Jim Breuer) is reunited with his long-lost brother (Duchovny).

    Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, Goat Boy.

  • Interbank
  • From The Earth To The Area Around The Earth

    Uneventful space shuttle mission is barely covered in the news.
  • Go-Lords

    James Cameron plans to rule the world with DeCaprio clones.
  • The Lost Deep Thoughts

    SNL Transcripts