David Duchovny: [ enters, carrying guitar ] Thank you very much! It’s great to be here doing “Saturday Night Live”. You know, this is my first time in New York, and I’m really having a good time.
Actually, that was a lie. It’s not my first time in New York. I actually grew up here. I have no idea why I said that. I guess I’m pretty nervous. Well, that’s why I have this guitar here with me. [ sits on stool ] This is sort of a security blanket for me. Yeah, I know it might just look like just a cheap old six string to you, but this thing has been a big part of my life. You see, I was a very, very shy kid. I mean, like, literally, like from the age of 8 to 15, music was the way I communicated with people. I mean, this little baby here was my voice. In 1969, my father bought me this guitar at a flea market. He used to take me for guitar lessons every Saturday afternoon. And i’ll never forget the look on my Dad’s face the first time I played a song. He was so proud of me. Whenever I pick up this guitar, it’s like my father is right here with me. Tonight, if you don’t mind, I’d like to play a song for my father.
[ applause ]
Thank you. Although, I feel kind of foolsih even having this out here, considering that Jimmy Page, one of the greatest guitar legends of all time is here. But, if you’ll indulge me.. any of you guys Zeppelin fans? That’s Led Zeppelin. Well, maybe you can guess the name of this little Zeppelin tune. It’s one of my Dad’s favorites, actually.
[ plays “Over The Hills And Far Away” a little too well. After a few bars, he accidentally drops the pick into the body of the guitar. ]
Oh, damn.. Idropped the pick. I mean, it’s embarrassing. That’s live TV, that’s kind of fun. [ begins shaking guitar ] Som you just kind of get the pick out and start the song again. You know.. leave it to my Dad to buy me a cheap guitar like this.. with, like, the biggest belly in the world. I mean, he couldn’t spend more than $4.95 to get a damn guitar for me! If I knew where he lived right now, I would punch – [ still shaking guitar ] – you know something? This is a littlefrustrating now.. You know, I hate my father!
[ breaks guitar violently over stool, then finds the pick among the broken pieces of the guitar ]
Hey, here it is! Now I guess I can play that little tune.
[ plays “Over The Hills And Far Away” air guitar ]
We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Puff Daddy is here, and Jimmy Page! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
Scott: Infrareds are tracking Ricks eye movements, soon the world will know how the pituitary gland respond to weightlessness.
Houston controller #1: Thats right Roger.
[ News bulletin. SUPER : “Evening News April 29, 1998” ]
News Anchor: The United Nations is stepping up a plan to increase aids to Sudan, the Sudanese government, has consented to allow supplies to be sent in the area. Stay with us.
[ SUPER: “Coming up: Chrysler merger talks resume Japan stocks close lower Tony Awards nominees announced Space Shuttle”]
[ Shot: cockpit of the Space Shuttle. SUPER : “April 30, 1998” ]
Scott: Houston, we have repaired the cabin air cleanser.
Rick: We are locked, and loaded Houston [ Pilots “high five” ]
Houston controller #1 : Thats terrific um.. whats is name again?
Houston controller #2 : [ Building a card castle ] Rick.
Houston controller #1 : Thats terrific Rick!
Scott: Well be able to finish testing how the rodents respond to root beer, while weightless.
Houston controller #2 : [ Doesnt care, and doesnt know what to say ] Godspeed!
Houston controller #1 : Yeah Godspeed.
[ News bulletin. SUPER : “Evening News April 30, 1998” ]
News Anchor: In sports Mark McGwire has smashed his 11th home run tonight, it wasnt enough though as Milwaukee defeated ST-Louis 7 to 4. Stay with us!
[ SUPER : “Coming up: Denmark strikers hold ground “Ben Casey” creator dies Pleated skirt makes comeback Space Shuttle”]
[ Shot: cockpit of the Space Shuttle as retransmitted live on TV. SUPER: “May 2, 1998” ]
Scott: Mister President we are locked and loaded!
V/O then Houston controller #1 : [ Poorly impersonating President Clinton, controller #2 has difficulty not to laugh out loud ] America is proud of you! We look forward to your return.
Scott: We look forward to seeing you Sir!
Houston controller #1 : Oh, Ill be there, I cant wait to meet you all!
Rick: Hey Id just like want to say to everyone whos watching that we really love up here but, we sure miss home!
Houston controller #1 : Yes!
[ Controller #1 cannot impersonate the President anymore because hes laughing too much. Controller #2 takes a shot ]
Houston controller #2 : Hi! Im the President! President Clinton!
Scott: Yes Sir!
Houston controller #2 : I like sex! Im Clinton I have lots of sex with women!
Scott: All right Sir!
Houston controller #2 : Look at me! Im Clinton! Weeeeeeee!
[ Title Card #4 : The United Nations continued its support for Sudan. Ragtime led the Tony Award Nominations with thirteen. Mark McGwire has since hit his twelfth and thirteenth home runs. ]
[ Title Card #5 : The Strike in Denmark remains unresolved. ]
[ Title Card #6: From The Earth To The Area Around The Earth: The Story of The Space Shuttle ]
Dale: Everybody word up, word up, word up! Okay cool. For those who havent taken my splits and hurkey-jerkey jump workshop, Im Dale Heavener…the Heavenater and Id like to welcome everyone to the Spirit Stick Competition here at Camp Paula Abdul! Okay you guys have been working your butts off this week and I think you sizzle, and I think your cheering has been triple wicked. Alright, everybody get a good seat over there because were ready to pump up the jam!
Okay on a serious tip, whoever cut the front out of my speedo…not cool. Because that was my only speedo you guys so, enough said. Whew! Okay now here is the squad from East Lake high school, and they call themselves Pep Daddy!
(Audience screams and applauds)
Craig and Arianna: All aboard! Butt, butt, butt, butt, Butt, butt, butt, butt UGLY! Youre butt ugly! We are the mighty Spartans riding up your astroturf People say youre so ugly Godzilla gave you birth!
Arianna: Hey! Whos that Spartan gettin a wedgie?
Craig: Its me! Its me!
Arianna: I said whos that Spartan gettin a wedgie?
Arianna: Come on guys! Its not just for strippers anymore!
Craig: Thats right!
(Dale comes running by them, almost knocking Arianna over)
Dale: Sorry about that…you guys should call yourselves jalepeno because, whew, you are so hot.
(All three do kicks)
Dale: Okay settle, settle. Lets find out more about Craig and Arianna.
Arianna: Okay..uh..um…my name is Arianna and Im just like Mary Tyler Moore except I dont have a Jewish friend. Um, Im coming to terms with my small chest. And despite my bike accident Im still technically a virgin. (Jumping up and down)
Dale: Okay, sex can wait!
All Three: masterbate!
Dale: Okay, Craig, what about you?
Craig: Well Im a Taurus which means I can be stubborn, plus Im afraid of water sports.
Dale: Uh-oh, someones afraid to take off their shirt. Back hair?
Craig: Guilty as charged
Dale: Believe me, I can relate. My nipples are the size of dinner plates.
Arianna: Not attractive, not attractive!
Craig: Dinner plates. No.
(All three jumping and kicking)
Dale: Okay are you guys ready for your power cheer?
Craig & Arianna: Alright!
Together: The Spartans hate to brag but were a real hum-dinger Were gonna kick your butt like a guest on Jerry Springer I say who you talkin to, who you talkin to, who you talkin toUh!
Arianna: I am a hooker I aint got no teeth I killed my husband With a Christmas wreath
Together: I say who you talkin to Who you talkin to Who you talkin to Uh!
Craig: Im a transvestite Whos stealing drugs Cause my redneck daddy Never gave me hugs
Together: I say who you talkin to! Final thought!
Arianna: Whoo! Jerry Springer! Get the message guys!
Dale: Whoa, that cheer was funktagious guys. Okay I think the judges are ready for their scores.
Arianna: Oh my God, Craig. (Grabbing Craigs hand)
Announcer: For creativity…0.3
Craig and Arianna: Yes!
Announcer: For athleticism…0.6
Arianna: .6!
Announcer: For difficulty…0.0
Craig and Arianna: Awww!
Announcer: For lameness..10
Craig and Arianna: Yes! Yes!
Arianna: Oh Craig we nailed it! Paula Abdul would be so proud!
Dale: Listen guys, Ive been tight with Paula since she was a Laker girl, and I know two things about her. One, she loves to have her hair brushed. And two, shes a stickler for pep jumps and booty work.
(Two cheerleaders walk up to them)
Cheerleader #1: Attention all ass vaccuums.
Craig and Arianna: Yes?
Cheerleader #1: According to the rule book, you have to have at least four in your squad to get a spirit stick.
Cheerleader #2: Yes and one, two…you guys are both disqualified.
Arianna: Craig? Craig, what are we gonna do?
Dale: Hey if you dont mind a 37 year old who collects Barbies, Id be glad to join your squad.
Craig: Thanks Dale but thats only three. We need four to compete.
(Sound of a helicopter off camera)
Arianna: Craig! A helicopter! I think its Rosie Perez!
Craig: No, I think its Debbie Allen!
Dale: If its who I think it is Im gonna saturate my speedo.
(Paula Abdul walks over)
All Three: Paula Abdul! Oh my God! Paula Abdul!
Dale: Paula Abdul, you are my goddess! Youre my goddess! Can I brush your hair?
Paula: No Dale.
Dale: Okay is that because Im your coworker?
Paula: No, its because your nipples are the size of dinner plates.
Dale: Oh yes, not good.
Paula: (Pulls a Barbie from behind her back) Here, play with this.
Dale: Oh, its Malibu Bubble Barbie! Completes the set!
Arianna: (Singing) Paula, straight up now tell us are you gonna be the fourth member of our squa-a-ad? (Does kick)
Paula: Actually Im here to collect your registration fees.
Arianna: Ahhh!
Paula: Oh, and Ill be the fourth member on your super squad! (Hugs Arianna) Okay, get!
Arianna: Yeah!
(All four dance to Play that Funky Music White Boy. Awesome dance.)
…..Colin Quinn Dominican Lou…..Tracy Morgan Cinder Calhoun…..Ana Gasteyer
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks! Aah ha! Hello, I’m Colin Quinn! Thank you, folks!
Okay. Last weekend, President Clinton and the First Lady went to Stanford University to meet Chelsea’s new boyfriend, Matthew Pierce. Pierce told Clinton that the President was his role model. To which Clinton responded, “I don’t want you seeing my daughter anymore.”
Now, Hillary Clinton this week said that Palestinians should have their own free state. The President pointed out that the statement didn’t reflect official government policy. But added that if they wanted to become a free state, he and Hillary would be glad to broker the land deal.
A spokesman for the First Lady said that her views were personal, and are in no way a reflection of the views of the President. Much like their wedding vows….That’s sad, but…it’s true.
According to a poll in U.S. News & World Report, 32 percent of American women think Hillary Clinton will leave her husband when his term of office ends. Meanwhile, the other 68 percent of the women said that he promised them that she would.
On “Larry King Live” Thursday night, Bob Dole revealed that he was one of the test subjects of Viagra, and that it’s a great drug. Meanwhile, Elizabeth Dole was on the “Today” show promoting her new book, The Horrors of Viagra.
In order to break a 14-month stalemate in the Middle of – in the Middle East peace talks, Madeleine Albright gave Israel ’til Monday to come to an agreement. The Israelis said, “Hey, she’s got a lot of chutzpah for somebody who only found out she was Jewish when she read it in the paper!”…‘Member?
This week, Bill Gates paid 30 million dollars for a Winslow Homer painting of a seascape. However, he will continue to pay four bucks for a haircut.
FBI research indicates that nearly half the guns used in crimes in New York came from five Southern states: Virginia, Florida, North Carolina, Georgia, and South Carolina. The other half came from under the front seat in the Wu-Tang Clan’s car. [some boos]…What, is Method Man here? Why are you people…
Now, here with some commentary on the Kenneth Starr investigation, the super of 9201 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, Dominican Lou!
[pan over to Dominican Lou, whose left arm is in a sling]
Dominican Lou: Gracias. Gracias. Thank you, Colin. I’m telling you, the Kenneth Starr, oh boy! I know a lot of guys like he! I know one guy like he! His name is Wilfredo. Wilfredo is the super for 9230 Burnside Avenue across the street from me! We are only fighting because he tried to get me in trouble with my wife and my girlfriend!
Colin: I see.
Dominican Lou: [over Colin’s last line] That’s too much!
Colin: So what is, uh, Wilfredo does to you is like what Kenneth Starr does to Clinton?
Dominican Lou: Colin. When I catch Wilfredo tryin’ to get me in trouble, I catch him and I punch him up goo’! I come bea’ he! I make him bleed ’cause I come bea’ he! I come bea’ he! I hurt him all over the body! I come bea’ he!
Colin: Yeah! Speaking of fights, what happened to your arm, Dominican Lou?
Dominican Lou: Wilfredo. He bea’ me. I no bea’ him. He bea’ me. He bea’ me pretty bad. He b– He putted the crowbar in the arm. With the crowbar. He bea’ me. And that’s what I think Clinton should do to this guy, Kenneth Starr!
Colin: Clinton should break Kenneth Starr’s arm?
Dominican Lou: And that, it will send a good message. If Clinton break-a the Starr arm, Starr will know that Clinton is tough, and he will say, “Oh Clinton, don’t break my arm! Don’t break my arm! Please do not break my arm!” I needed the arm to clean the building!…He will say, “I better not talk to his wife or try to steal the toilet paper for his dad at the room, he – he’s busy!”
Colin: I see.
Dominican Lou: Look, Colin. I live in the Burnside Avenue. I keep-a the building clean! You come here to my building, there’s no mice there, there’s no crackheads in the building…there’s nine people sitting on the stoop…but you go to Wilfredo’s building, 9230…they there, they throw-a the garbage out of the window, and they always make-a the trouble!
Colin: So…
Dominican Lou: So wha’?
Colin: So…what does this have to do with the Clinton situation?
Dominican Lou: Nothing. I just no like-a the Wilfredo. I want to say something bad about him on the TV. Hey! I have an idea! Maybe the Clinton could beat up the Wilfredo instead of the Starr!
Colin: Okay, hey look–
Dominican Lou: [over Colin’s last line] He come bea’ he!
Colin: Hey, Lou? What do you think about that thing on “Seinfeld” last Thursday when they burned the Puerto Rican flag?
Dominican Lou: I don’t care. They Puerto Rican. I Dominican.
Colin: Dominican Lou, everybody!
Dominican Lou: I come bea’ he! I come bea’ he! Wilfredo, I’ll beat you! Don’t go!
Colin: Forensic tests have confirmed that remains of a body found in Berlin in 1972 are those of Martin Bormann, Hitler’s private secretary. Experts say they were finally certain when they discovered his “World’s Best Boss” coffee mug.
It appears as if the Chernobyl nuclear plant will remain open despite a promise made to close it by 1995. Community leaders are happy because the plant provides desperately needed work for the local townspeople, many of whom have children with eight mouths to feed.
Mercedes-Benz merged with Chrysler this week. The biggest transition will be for gangsta [doctored photo of gangsta rappers with Mercedes-Benz medallions] rappers, who will now have to switch to big, gold Chrysler medallions.
At the Vatican this week, a disgruntled guard lost control, shot and killed his boss and his boss’ wife. Such an outburst is now called “going papal.”
In southern Turkey, where prostitution is legal, the prostitutes are going on strike. Boy, sex with a prostitute is risky enough, but who’s gonna go out with a scab prostitute? [negative reaction] Don’t let me go into the summer like this, folks. Come on.
A new survey reveals that children as young as 10 are using steroids to enhance athletic performance. Officials became suspicious when two kids were decapitated during a dodgeball game.
Susan Carpenter McMillan has taken on a new cause: spreading California’s chemical castration penalty to other states. President Clinton was quick to point out that Washington, D.C. is not a state!
Lilith Fair, the popular all-music…all-female music festival launches its second tour on June 9th. Returning to that tour and joining us tonight is Lilith Fair’s witty folklorist, Cinder Calhoun. Please welcome Cinder Calhoun.
[pan over to Cinder]
Cinder Calhoun: Thanks, Colin. Um, thanks a lot, man. I know last time I asked you to introduce me as a witty folklorist, but just so you know, I now consider myself more of a karmic interpreter of humus, w – humorous vibrations, so that’s just to clarify.
Colin: Right, okay. Okay. So Cinder, what have you been up to while Lilith Fair is on hiatus?
Cinder: Well, uh, I’ve been working with a small publishing house out of Berkeley on a satirical comic book about the adventures of a [exaggerated Spanish accent] Latina superhero midwife.
Colin: Sounds great.
Cinder: Yeah, and I’ve also been temping in the personnel department at Citibank, so it’s kind of…
Colin: You must have gotten some great material from that.
Cinder: Um…actually, Colin, some things are so hideously profane that it’s hard to find humor in them! Uh, case in point: a couple of days ago I was sent home from work because I wasn’t wearing pantyhose! Um…maybe I’m crazy, but why should I be forced to wear pantyhose when I’m already protected by nature’s thick, woolly coating of leg hair? And I just thought we were sort of beyond this point in our – in our…cultural development, so I wrote a pantyhose protest song [grabs her guitar] about it. I hope you find it moving. It’s, um, sort of a call to arms for all the victims of legsploitation. It’s called “Unshackle My Legs.”
[lights dim as the song begins; plays her guitar]
Ohh, ohh… You say your corporate dress code Will make a good impression But your little rule is a fascist stool It’s cotton-crotched oppression For 40 years you kept us in A sweaty pantyhose prison But I’m the one who found a run In you control decision
You’ve hired us to do a job Let us finish what we started We’re breaking through this nylon seal And…stop being leotarded!
Unshackle my legs Be they hairy or funky now Unshackle my legs If they’re thick and they’re chunky now
Unshackle my legs Unshackle my legs Unshackle my legs Unshackle my legs Sheer Energy My enemy Unshackle my legs Unshackle my leeeeeeeeeegggs! [cheers and applause as she holds the last word; lights come back up]
[end of song]
Colin: Cinder Calhoun, ladies and gentlemen! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! Have a nice summer!
[ SUPER: “FBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON, DC 10:47 PM” ]
[ open on Mulder sitting at his desk in his office, typing on a laptop computer ]
Mulder V/O: A new ally has joined me in my fight to uncover the truth, to break the web of governmental deceit and conspiracy. This ally, who I believemay be operating at the highest level of government has up until this pointremained anonymous. tonight I will meet at last this man, who until now, Ihave known only as a husky voice on the phone, and his code name of allthings, “Deep Throat.” [ a knock at the door ] Who is it?
Deep Voice: It’s me, Deep Throat.
Mulder: [ opens door ] At last, the man I’ve been waiting to meet.
Janet Reno: [ enters ] Man? [ removes coat ] Take another look at this body.
Mulder: Janet Reno?
Janet Reno: Maybe. Okay, yes. Now let me help you pick your jaw up off thefloor.
Mulder: I can’t believe you’re the one sending me these messages. Thealien coverup must reach that high up.
Janet Reno: Alien coverup? What, do I have to hit you over the headwith a board? I was coming in to you!
Mulder: Are you trying to deny that your messages weren’t aboutextraterrestrial life? What about when you said you wanted to show mevideotapes of aliens?
Janet Reno: “Aliens” is one of my favorite movies. I thought you could comeover and we would watch it and have brie.
Mulder: What?
Janet Reno: I also have “Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael”.
Mulder: You also said somebody in the Justice Department wanted togive me a UFO. Now that couldn’t be more clear. It’s about UFOs.
Janet Reno: Oh, great. Then you won’t mind if you treat you to an”Unbelievably Ferocious Orgasm.”
Mulder: Come on. Uh, what about “I want to give you an opportunity toexamine an out of this world body..” – oh. Okay, now I’m starting to get it.
Janet Reno: By the way, that offer still stands. [ strokes Mulder’s face andputs hand on his thigh ]
Mulder: So, to meet me you went so far as to send me messages andtake a code name, “Deep Throat”?
Janet Reno: Code name? Hell, “Deep Throat” was my old sorority nickname.
Mulder: Janet, I have never met you before in my life. I don’tunderstand why would you pursue me like this.
Janet Reno: Oh, Mulder. [ strokes his face ] Ever since I saw you at theJustice Department picnic, I haven’t been able to get you off my mind.
Mulder: That’s right, I remember seeing you there, too. You ate,like, 60 pancakes, didn’t you. Yeah, I remember that. You had a crowdchanting “Janet, Janet, Janet!”
Janet Reno: Okay, I like pancakes. Let’s move on. Ever since that day I’vekept an extensive file on you. Let’s see. [ pulls out folder ] Special AgentMulder, first name Fox. I’ll say. Height, a delicious 6-1. Weight, 185pounds of Grade A chuck. And then I just wrote “Mrs. Janet Mulder” about300 times. See?
Mulder: Yes, I see. Listen, I’m flattered, Janet, but I’m marriedto my work and plus I’m really, really into pornography.
Janet Reno: Who isn’t?
Mulder: Well, I hope there’s no hard feelings. But if you’ll excuseme, my partner Scully is about to join me.
Janet Reno: Scully! I got a file on that pouty-lipped ice queen, too. She’salways “Oh, I’m so skeptical about that. No, I’m sure there’s a reasonablescientific explanation for that.” If I ever see her, I will do my karate onher. [ does karate move ] Ow.
SCULLY: [ enters carrying file folder ] Mulder, I’m skeptical about yourconclusion, here. I’m sure there is a reasonable scientific explan – ahhhh!
Janet Reno: Ahhhh!
[ Janet Reno attacks and kicks Scully down. ]
Mulder: [ going to Scully ] Scully!
Janet Reno: [ bowing ] Thank you, Miyagi.
Mulder: Scully!
Janet Reno: She’ll be all right. Won’t be first time she’s woken up with aheadache and a few bruises. What’s that, Scully, you want mo’ stuff?
[ Janet Reno starts to attack again. Mulder steps between them. ]
Mulder: Hey, hey! Now you’ve gone too far. Get out of here!
Janet Reno: All right, but before I go….
[ Janet Reno grabs Mulder, and gives him a big kiss on lips. Mulder fallsback on desk. ]
Mulder: Oh, my god. That kiss. It feels like there is a flying saucerin my pants.
Janet Reno: Oh, yeah? Too bad Foxy, you had your chance. Anyway, I’vealready got my own sweet piece of FBI meat. Oh, Krycek.
[ Krycek enters, and makes a show of using his right hand to lift his “fake” left arm over Janet’s shoulders. ]
Krycek: Come on, Janet baby, let’s roll.
Mulder: Krycek, no!
Janet Reno: Alex is with the real FBI, the “Female Body Inspectors.”
Krycek: Yeah. Anyway, see you later, Mulder.
Mulder: I am not gonna let you steal her from me.
[ Mulder punches Krycek several times. Krycek falls. ]
Janet Reno: Big mistake, my friend. [ punches Mulder out ] Let’s go, honey.[ Krycek tries to get at Mulder. Janet Reno restrains him. ] It’s okay. It’sokay. You’re with me. [ to Scully, who’s still on the floor ] Sweet dreams,whore! And as for you, Mulder – [ to camera ] Live from New York, it’s”Saturday Night”!
Thanks to Randym of NickLea.com for this transcript. randym7@bestweb.net
[OPEN – night exterior – see “Morris County Community College” on the side of a brick school building]
Teacher: All right, class. Tonight we’re gonna work with the most rewarding subject that there is for an artist: the human body. Now, unfortunately, the life model I normally use was unable to make it, but we do have a last-minute replacement. His name is Terence Maddox. Terence, you can come in now.
[Maddox approaches, wearing a robe. Stands next to Teacher. Puts down bag]
Teacher: Okay. Terence, whenever you’re ready.
Terence Maddox: All right, gang. It’s showtime. Prepare to have your gaskets blown. [takes off robe] W-e-ell?
Teacher: All right, Mr. Maddox, if you could please lie down.
Terence Maddox: Ww-e-e-ell?
Teacher: Please just lie down.
Terence Maddox: Whoa-whoa! Let the people be heard.
[there’s silence]
Terence Maddox: Ww-e-e-elll??
Teacher: Just have a seat.
Terence Maddox: All right, all right. Now, I’ll try and lay as still as I can, but work with me, people, ’cause Daddy’s got the shakes.
Teacher: Just do the best you can.
[Maddox groans as he settles in]
Teacher: Now, now, if you wouldn’t mind just quieting down, these students are here to learn.
Terence Maddox: Oh. Well then I got a little somethin’ for them. Here’s a little biology lesson, class. [points to his right nipple] Milk. [points to his left nipple] Milk. [points down toward his groin] Lemonade. [points around to his rear] This is where the fudge is made-
Teacher: Mr. Maddox. Please. Just lie still. [walking to the front of the class] Now, class, before you draw Mr. Maddox, I want all of you to just look at him for a moment. Take him in, notice the way the nude human form-
Student #1: [pointing] Oh my God! Oh! That’s gross!
[class groans]
Teacher: Oh, dear God!
Terence Maddox: What?!
Teacher: Mr. Maddox, please!
Terence Maddox: [looks down] Uh-oh. Somebody woke the baby.
Teacher: Just cover yourself.
Terence Maddox: I guess all that talk about taking me in kinda got me excited. Truth be told, that’s what got me into this crazy biz. [looks down again] Well, don’t worry, folks. It looks like the Hulk’s not mad anymore. He’s turning back into harmless ol’ Bruce Banner.
Student #2: I do not believe this!
Terence Maddox: Now, to answer your question, yes, I did lose a testicle in Vietnam. Charlie made soup out of it about thirty years ago. Cream of Maddox.
[class groans]
Terence Maddox: Yeah, that was the ball du jour that day. Hey, all this talk is making me hungry. Is it cool if I grub up? [reaches down to his bag]
Teacher: If it’ll keep you quiet, you can do whatever you want.
Terence Maddox: [holding up bag of chips] Got these tortilla chips bulk. But they’re a little bland. [reaches into bag, pulls out block of cheese and a cheese grater] That’s where my little buddy Monterey Jack comes in handy. [starts to grate cheese onto his chest] See, the body heat melts the Jack. And I’m tellin’ you, people, I’m all about body heat.
Student #3: Oh my God. That’s sick.
Student #2: Yeah.
Student #4: [gestures to Teacher] Oh, come on, this is gross! Do something!
Teacher: Uh, Mr. Maddox, that’s disgusting. You know what, why don’t you leave, right now.
[Maddox starts to sob, then hack]
Teacher: Uh uh-please-please calm down. Mr. Maddox, I’m sorry. Listen, if you promise to lay still, you can stay as long as you’d like.
Terence Maddox: That’s okay. I know when I’m not wanted. You don’t have to kick ol’ Terence Maddox in the ball. [getting up, putting on robe] Now… I may not have gone to some fancy art school but if you ask me, you people wouldn’t know real beauty if it was outside in the parking lot taking a crap on all your cars. Which, by the way, it is just seconds away from doing. Good day, to you. [Maddox walks off]
[“What a Wonderful World” plays over a series of students’ sketches of Maddox]
[Maddox blows a kiss at camera, points to his eye, winks and says, “Wink,” then does hand gestures…]
[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We flyinto the impenetrable discharge of twosmokestacks.]
Announcer: And now, from the news capital ofthe world, it’s “Weekend Update with ColinQuinn.”
[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of NewYork from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / withCOLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve toStudio 8H and Colin Quinn seated at the WUdesk.]
Colin Quinn: Thank you. I’m ColinQuinn.
Well, the big story all week was Bill Clinton. What aSpring Break he’s having, huh? … Depositions,accusations. The week started out great for him — JimMcDougal died. I know it’s one of his closest friends,but let’s face it, he was pretty happy. That wasStarr’s key witness. He’s relieved but he’s gotta actupset. He can’t come out and start celebrating likeMariah Carey’s been doin’ since she left TommyMottola, right? … Can’t run around in a tube topsayin’, “I’m a butterfly, I’m a butterfly.” … Thatwas a great Mariah Carey impression, I know….
Then Tuesday, in some kind of Freudian self-cleansing,he announced he’s gonna have his dog Buddy neutered…. Y’know? When the President informed Buddy of thedecision, the dog was heard to say, “Don’t ever callme Buddy again.” …
Then yesterday afternoon they released seven hundredpages of documents, including two of Clinton’s owndepositions. Here’s basically what the depositionsays: Gennifer Flowers: fondled for twelve years;Kathleen Willey: supposedly fondled; Paula Jones:almost fondled; Linda Tripp: wishes she was fondled;… Monica Lewinsky: did all the fondling. …
Then you have the Kathleen Willey story. He says hejust kissed her on the forehead, but Kathleen Willeysays Clinton kissed her on the forehead, then took herright hand and placed it on his genitals, and said,”Do you swear to not tell the truth, the whole truthand anything but the truth?” …
In the documents they listed some other Jane Does thatClinton was with. One of them was a Miss America. Nowhow did the cute one slip in there? … All right?[cheers and applause] Ah, Miss America. Ah, all right.You know that’s the only one that bothers Hillary,too. … The rest of them she doesn’t care about. Butthat one must kill her.
But you know what it was? Clinton screwed up becausehe was born at the wrong time. I’m sure everypresident had like six mistresses, but he lives in atime when you get called on for your behavior, whenthe country’s just a giant “Ricki Lake Show” judgingyour sex life, y’know? … If this was thirty yearsago, these kinds of things would get taken care of.Paula Jones would’ve got her twenty-five grand and thejob in Hollywood she asked for. Monica Lewinskywould’ve been President of Revlon already. … AndLinda Tripp would have been taken to Vegas, driven outto the desert behind the Sands, and “accidentallyoverdosed,” you know? … [some applause]
Astronomers have reported that a giant asteroid couldpass near Earth in the year 2028. [A working screenimage of the classic coin-operated video game”Asteroids” appears next to Colin — a tiny triangularspacecraft in an asteroid field] Should the asteroidget close enough to threaten life on our planet, thescientists plan to board a tiny triangular spacecraftand fire a laser at the asteroid [The “Asteroids”spacecraft starts shooting asteroids with theappropriate sound effects] … breaking it into foursmaller pieces, then destroy each of those smallerpieces. … If the scientists destroy the entireasteroid, they will get to enter their initials in the”Top Ten Scores” … but instead of their initials,they will probably enter “SEX” or “ASS.” … Best ofall, NASA spokespeople predict that the cost of theentire operation will be one quarter. … Ah, wepushed it as far as we could go. … Allright.
[Photo of Clinton with United NationsSecretary-General Kofi Annan] Kofi Annan met with thePresident this week to ask the U.S. to pay the 1.3billion that we owe to the U.N. The President refusedand then kissed him on the forehead and took Annan’shand and put it on his genitals. … [applause] Oh?Surprise, surprise.
A Minnesota judge who’s presiding over a lawsuitagainst tobacco companies was accused of bias. Thetobacco companies claim he made “anti-tobacco”comments. Now, is this what we’ve come to? Have webecome so politically correct that you can’t make aninsulting remark about tobacco? What is ananti-tobacco remark? “Hey, I don’t mind individualcigarettes, but when they get together they become apack. Then they’re trouble, you know?” …
According to scientists at Cambridge University,female penguins on an island near the South Pole areprostituting themselves to male penguins for stonesthey use to build nests. Police have arrested theirpimp. [Photo of grinning actor Burgess Meredith asBatman’s arch villain “The Penguin” (from the 1960slive action TV series “Batman”). He wears a purple tophat and a monocle with a long cigarette holderclenched in his teeth.] … I know people don’t liketo think of penguins having sex. It is kind ofdisgusting. But every man here knows — be honest –if you’re driving around one night, you have no money,it’s late, you see a penguin with a halter top and yougot a few rocks in the trunk — you’re gonna make amove. … Yeah, bust a move, I should say.
The man who invented the leisure suit, William Farah,died Monday after a long battle with bad taste. …Services will be held in the men’s department at J. C.Penney. … [scattered applause]
NASA’s lunar prospector last week discovered evidenceof sizable reservoirs of ice on the moon. In order toimprove home game attendance, the New York Islandersare planning to relocate there. … [mild responsefrom crowd, Colin reacts:] What, are they having agood year? All right. All right.
A study of odors that sexually arouse women found thatthe most stimulating aromas are licorice, pumpkin, andlavender. The same study showed that men become mostaroused when they smell desperation. … And I had theface of desperation, you notice that? For differentreasons entirely.
The Federal government is considering legislationwhich would put a condensed version of the U.S.Constitution on the back of one dollar bills. Nowyou’ll be able to study law and enjoy a lap dance atthe same time. …
Utah Jazz forward Karl Malone says he has gotten apermit to carry a concealed weapon. He’s also changinghis nickname from “The Mailman” to “The DisgruntledMailman.” … [ironic] Tee hee.
[Photo of Albert Lippert with caption under it reading”BEFORE”] Albert Lippert, a founder of WeightWatchers, died at the age of 72 this week. [Photo ofskeleton with caption under it reading “AFTER”] …Ah, you gotta like it.
This Tuesday is St. Patrick’s Day. In the spirit ofMayor Giuliani’s new policy of civility in the city,vomiting will only be allowed on designatedcrosswalks.
I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking toit.
Announcer: We now return to the Hallmark Childrens Classics Presentation of Alice in Wonderland. [Page turning in book] Chapter 6: The Mad Tea Party.
[Alice, the Mad Hatter, Rabbit, and Rat sit at a table with tea pots and mugs]
Alice: What nonsense. Well this is the most absurd tea party Ive ever been to.
Mad Hatter: Absurd? Of course its absurd. Thats because were all mad, marvelously mad!
Alice: Youre all mad?
Rabbit: Well of course were all mad. Why, Im so mad I only sleep to get tired. [Laughter]
Rat: Im so mad, I wear socks on my hands, and hats on my feet. [Laughter]
Mad Hatter: Hey, Im so mad, I wash my hands 100 times a day because they smell like my mother. [Laughter]
Rabbit: [Stops laughing and looks serious] What did you just say?
Mad Hatter: I said Im mad, wonderfully funderfully mad.
Rabbit: Oh yeah mad right. Well, Im so mad that I bathe in the sand and I make castles in the sea.
Mad Hatter: Why Im so mad I constantly burn my penis with red hot cigar butts.
Alice: That is horrible.
Mad Hatter: Whats wrong? Cant you handle a merry, whimsical madness?
Rabbit: No, Im with her, thats not mad, that is sick.
Mad Hatter: What are you talking about, were all mad! She wears socks on her hands and I put cigars out on my groin. I dont see the difference. Who wants more tea? [Picks up a giant tea pot]
Rat: You dont see the difference? I wear socks on my hands.
Mad Hatter: Well I do that too. And I also build little race cars out of my poop! Its Wing-Dangily wonderful madness!
Alice: Your friend is scaring me.
Rabbit: Our friend? We thought he was with you.
Mad Hatter: I sleep with my underwear in my mouth!
Rabbit: I think youd just better go.
Mad Hatter: Go, but why? We havent finished our mad diddly tea party. [Puts his fist in his mouth] Moo, mppph [Falls under the table]
Rabbit: You really are sick, Mister.
Rat: I thought this was Hey what are you doing under the table?
Rabbit: Oh my God hes having a fit!
Mad Hatter: [Stands up, ripping apart his shirt] Hey! Look at my scars! Oh, arent they wonderfully mad? Mad I say! [Flips the table over, revealing that hes not wearing pants. Does a little dance]
Doctor #1: Good, good we found him. Great, he didnt hurt any of you, did he? [Puts a strait jacket on Mad Hatter]
Rabbit: No, he just ruined our tea party, thats all.
Doctor #2: Ok, Hatter, youre coming with us.
Mad Hatter: Youre all dead and you dont even know it!
Doctor #1: Sorry about that, folks, but you know, hes a madman.
[They start to leave]
Mad Hatter: Oh no, I poisoned their tea.
Alice, Rabbit, Rat: What our tea!?
[Back to book closing]
Announcer: Join us tomorrow for the conclusion of Alice in Wonderland.
Tim Meadows: Hello, I’m Tim Meadows, the star of Saturday Night Live. This week’s big news story was of course the dismissal of Paula Jones’s lawsuit against President Clinton. So we here at Saturday Night Live are facing a familiar quandary: how to satirize the president in a matter that is both insightful and hilarious. It’s very hard to do both in one sketch. So tonight, we’re trying to bold experiment: utilizing recent developments in digital band with technology, we here at NBC will be broadcasting multiple signals on one channel simultaneously. Tonight, for the first time, you the viewer, will be able to choose between two broadcast. On NBC 1 is noted political commentator and editor of Harper’s magazine, Lewis Lapham. [switches to NBC 1] He willprovide informed commentary and historical prospective on the Paula Jones’ suit.
Lewis Lapham: It’s a pleasure to be here.
[switches to Tim Meadows]
Tim Meadows: Thank you. And on NBC 2, because we are free from our obligation to be intelligent, we have a top flight network comedy scene about Clinton’s dong.
[Switches to NBC 2]
President Clinton: A lot of crazy stuff is about to go down.
Monica Lewinsky: You’re funny, Bill.
President Clinton: Ha-ha! Well honey, let’s just say that after that judge’s ruling, the big cat is ready to prowl again.
[Both start tickling each other and laughing]
[switches to Tim Meadows]
Tim Meadows: Well the choice is yours, America. And as always the entertainment is free, thanks to your friends at NBC. Enjoy.
[Fades with static to NBC 1]
Lewis Lapham: Hello, America. The dynamics behind the Paula Jones case and the Clinton sexual allegations, operate on several levels. The first concerns an erosion of civic understanding…..
[Fades with static to NBC 2]
Hillary Clinton: …..and just because you got off with this Paula Jones case, don’t think I wont be watching you!
President Clinton: Yes Hillary — I…I mean sir.
[Hillary exits, as 0Monica pops out of one side of the desk]
Monica Lewinsky: We got off!! Woooo!
President Clinton: We’re going to have some fun! Yes sir!
[Paula Jones pops out of the other side of the desk]
Monica Lewinsky: Paula Jones! What are you doing here?!
Paula Jones: Well I figured if you can’t beat ’em, do ’em.
President Clinton: Hey! Hey! Hey, hey! See if Kathleen Willey is down there.
Paula Jones: [looks down] I see a willey, but its not named Kathleen!…..
[Fades with static to NBC 1]
Lewis Lapham: …..And while we focus on events that have no direct bearing on our lives, decisions being made behind closed doors, change the way we live. Decisions that criminalize the ordinary behavior of everyday life…..
[Fades with static to NBC 2]
[Monica Lewinsky, President Clinton, and Paula Jones are having a pillow fight]
President Clinton: …..This is gonna be the best sleep I’ve ever had in the oval office!
Paula Jones: But we only got one sleeping bag!
Janet Reno: All right, Billy boy, I heard you’re having a sleep over without me.
[pillow fight stops]
President Clinton: Janet Reno. Hell, you’ll probably burn down the place.
Janet Reno: [To Monica] Hey, cute stuff.
Monica Lewinsky: Hey…..
[Fades with static to NBC 1]
Lewis Lapham: …..And Clinton’s failure to take a strong stand to support for the campaign finance bill, wasn’t even reported by the mainstream media. Meanwhile the large corporations in our country, continue to exert under the influence…..
[Fades with static to NBC 2]
[President Clinton is smoking a cigarette, and all are covered from the head down with a blanket]
President Clinton: …..Damn, you’re good baby.
[down the line…]
Monica Lewinsky: Thanks.
Paula Jones: Thanks.
Janet Reno: Thanks.
Goat Boy: Baaa-aaa-aa. Thanks.
Janet Reno: Goat boy let’s you get freaky in the sack.
Goat Boy: Baa-aaa…..
[Fades with static to NBC 1]
Lewis Lapham: …..Please, America. Stay with me for a second here. See, we continue to live in a society divided into two parts. Two social classes. One of them…..
[Fades with static to NBC 2]
[Everybody dancing to “Spice Girls” music]
Monica Lewinsky: ……Ooh, I wish that pizza would get here already.
President Clinton: Me too.
[Knock on door]
President Clinton: Come in. Hello?
Oprah Winfrey: Hi! It’s Oprah Winfrey, and guess what, I ate all the pizza!
President Clinton: A woman after my own heart.
Oprah Winfrey: [Pushes Paula Jones away, and stands next to President Clinton] You fine thing, you. That ain’t the only thing I’m after.
President Clinton: Oo-ooh. Looks like I’m about to join Oprah’s Book Club…..
[Fades with static to NBC 1]
Lewis Lapham: Good. You’re back. Now as I was saying. Hey, don’t change the…
[Fades with static to NBC 2]
[Oprah Winfrey is smoking a cigarette with President Clinton, and covered from the head down with a blanket; “Spice Girls” music still playing]
President Clinton: …..Damn Oprah, you can sure do more than talk.
Oprah Winfrey: Mmm-hmm. Honey, I am full of surprises.
[Oprah Winfrey removes wig, and pulls out a knife]
President Clinton: O.J!!
O.J. Simpson: The juice is on the loose!!…..
[Fades with static to NBC 1]
Lewis Lapham: …..I give up. I heard a good Clinton joke the other day. Clinton didn’t inhale when he and Lewinsky….did stuff. I-I can’t remember how it goes, but listen, what I am trying to say is simple. We have to challenge political power. Question the people who hold it, otherwise America can expect to do no better than…..
[Fades with static to NBC 2]
President Clinton, Goat Boy, Janet Reno, Oprah Winfrey, Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones: …..Live from New York, its’s Saturday Night!!!
Air Date:
