Christina Ricci: Thank you very much, thank you. I’m really happy to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’ve been a big fan of the show since I was little. My parents used to let me stay up and watch the original cast: David Spade, Adam Sandler, Tim Meadows.. yeah, they were awesome! And now I’m hosting. I can’t believe it.
I’ve never been in front of a live audience before. I’ve been making movies since I was eight. Well, actually, my sister and I made movies – because when you’re a child actor, you’re not allowed to work a full day. So I used to share all my parts with my twin sister Petina. So, in “Mermaids” and “The Addams Family”, that’s only half of me. The other half of the time, it was my twin. She’s here tonight. Petina, come up here. She never gets any credit, but she is my other half.
[ Petina steps up, dressed simarily as Christina ]
Petina Ricci: Hi. Hi, I’m Petina Ricci.
Christina Ricci: I would do all the scenes with dialogue.
Petina Ricci: And I did all the scenes that were from far away.. or where the character is sleeping.. or if the character was getting hit by a car.
Christina Ricci: When we got old enough to work a full day, we tried to do the Olsen twins thing and work as a duo. We made one TV movie called “The Great Marmalade Caper: A Ricci Twins Mystery”.
Petina Ricci: Here’s a clip!
Clip begins. C and F are in overalls and pigtails, with skateboards in tow. Every time Christina has a line, Fatina mouths the words along with her, casting furtive glances at the camera.
Christina Ricci: Old lady Mackis must have hidden that marmalade somewhere. I’ll look in Winny’s garage, you look down by the creek.
Petina Ricci: We’ve got to find the key, I know. Where it might be! Christina, let’s hurry. I’m scared.
[ clip ends; dissolve back to Home Base ]
Christina Ricci: After that, we decided as a family that.. um.. only I would continue acting.
Petina Ricci: I work at a dry cleaners.
Christina Ricci: And we’re both very happy.
Petina Ricci: Oppy hoppy, oobie da!
Christina Ricci: Hold on.. she’s talking to me in our secret twin language. [ to Petina ] Hooby gooby galala?
Petina Ricci: Flibby, gooby gooby, raggy, shogy.
Christina Ricci: [ to audience ] She says she’s actually not very happy. She hates her life, and she’s very jealous.
Petina Ricci: Flig flog, flo flu!
Christina Ricci: Okay, I’ll tell you what. I’ll let you tell them about the show. [ to audience ] Would that be alright with you if Petina finished the monologue?
[ the audience agrees ]
Petina Ricci: We have got a great show. Tonight, for you, Beck! Is here. So stick around, we’ll be black!
Christina Ricci: Stick around, we’ll be right back.
Sally Jesse Raphael: Joining us now is Jean.. Jean, I understand your daughter, Amber, has been causing you a lot of heartache.
Jean: Yes, Sally, she is really out of control. I mean, she swears at me all the time, she bit her little brother’s nose off.. [ boy in audience is shown with bandages on his nose ] ..Last week, I caught her in bed naked with a dog.
Sally Jesse Raphael: Naked with a dog?
Jean: Yes. And we don’t even have a dog.
Sally Jesse Raphael: How old is Amber?
Jean: She’s 13.
Sally Jesse Raphael: 13? And what do you want to tell her today?
[ Amber is shown backstage mocking Jean ]
Jean: Um.. I just want to tell- I just want my little girl back! We used to be real close.. and I just want her to straighten up, and quit drugging, and stay in school!
Sally Jesse Raphael: Let’s bring her out. Amber? Come on out.
[ audience boos as Amber struts onstage ]
Amber: Shut up! You don’t know me – look at you! I lok good, shut up!
Sally Jesse Raphael: Amber, your mother is very worried about you..
Amber: I don’t care!
Sally Jesse Raphael: Are you taking drugs?
Amber: Yes! [ to annoy Jean ] I love drugs, and I love sex! I smoke weed, and I do the nasty with old men! I sometimes make out with girls, sometimes I have sex with people and they don’t even know it!
Jean: I just don’t want you to get pregnant by the dog..
Amber: Shut up! Shut up! I ain’t talking to you!!
Sally Jesse Raphael: Amber! Look at your mother! Why do you think your mother is crying?
Amber: ‘Cause she’s jealous? ‘Cause look at this, y’all.. I got it going on! Sally, you know you want me!
Sally Jesse Raphael: That is a whole other show..
Jean: Amber, I just want..
Amber: Shut up! Shut up! I ain’t talking to YOU!
Sally Jesse Raphael: [ angry ] Now, you listen to me, Missy! You do not talk to your mother like that – not while you’re on my show! If you were my daughter, I would spank the you-know-what out of you, and send you to your room!
[ Amber punches Sally in the nose ]
Ow. [ pause ] Okay. We have got someone here who may be able to get through to you, Amber. He’s taking you away to boot camp, please welcome “Sergeant” Frank. [ Sergeant Frank appears onstage ] While Segeant Frank is not affiliated with the military, or any youth service organizations, he isan intimidating black man.. and he does wear fatigues. Sergeant Frank, tell us how your program works.
Sergeant Frank: [ clutching baseball bat ] I take these wild children, and I get down on them! I eat their disrespect, and like a momma bird, I spit it back in their mouth as re-spect! And through my strictfulness and my disciplinarism, they are re-born!
Sally Jesse Raphael: Go to it, Sergeant Frank.
Sergeant Frank: [ leans over Jean ] I will work that fat right off of you! I will boil you with some eggs, and dip you in flour, and then fry you a new attitude!
Sally Jesse Raphael: Sergeant Frank.. Sergeant Frank.. Jean is the mother.
Amber: [ laughs hysterically ]
Sergeant Frank: You are a beautiful woman, I apologize.. [ turns to Amber ] I will teach you respect! I will humiliate you!
[ he and Amber start yelling simultaneously, until he drags her off the set ]
Sally Jesse Raphael: We’ll see how Amber made out at boot camp, when we come back..
[ cut to fake promos ]
Announcer: Are you an overweight woman over forty who’s cheating on your cheating husband? If so, call the “Sally” show. Sally’s wordrobe provided by Clowntown. Guests of the “Sally” show stay in Lorimer Dog Cages, ’cause they don’t know no better!
Sally Jesse Raphael: We’re back. What you’ve seen so far took place three months ago. We sent Amber to boot camp with Sargeant Frank, and here’s what happened.
[ show film at boot camp ]
Sergeant Frank: [ yelling at Amber on tape ] This is your problem – NO RESPECT!!
Sergeant Frank V/O: Sally.. the first thing these kids need to learn is that somebody cares about them.
[ film shows Amber overpowering Sergeant Frank, knocking him to the ground with his own baseball bat ]
Children need structure to know they’re love. Too many of these kids grow up without a father. I truly believe that if I could just help one child, I could stay in business.
[ film shows Amber making out with Sergeant Frank ]
[ back to Sally in the studio ]
Sally Jesse Raphael: So.. do you think Amber has changed her ways? [ Audience says no ] Let’s find out.. Jean and Amber, come on out. [ Jean enters with an Asian girl ] Jean, how’s it going at home?
Jean: Oh, Sally, it’s great! She’s on the honor roll, she helps out at home, and she’s just growing into a beautiful young woman.
Sally Jesse Raphael: But this is not Amber.
Jean: No.. this is not Amber. I don’t know who this is. This is the girl that Segeant Frank sent back to me, and I love her!
Sally Jesse Raphael: Segeant Frank, where is Amber?
Sergeant Frank: [ in audience, wearing blind shades ] Sally, during an altercation, Amber blinded me with her nail tips and vacated the camp. I don’t currently know where she is now, but, irregardless.. the bitch is crazy!
Sally Jesse Raphael: Well, we have a surprise for you. Our producers found Amber unconcious in the stock room of a Blimpie’s. We’d like to reunite you with Amber.
Jean: [ panicking ] Oh, please, no! No!!
Amber: [ steps onstage, pregnant, starts punching Jean ]
Sergeant Frank: [ stands up and swings his bat ] Stay away from me! I’m BLIND!! [ walks onstage and mistakenly whacks the Asian girl with his bat ]
Sally Jesse Raphael: When we come back, Amber will reveal to her mother that she may be pregnant with biracial dog babies. Don’t stick around! Turn off your TV! Run! Go! Turn it off!
Craig: Arianna, we got an awesome spot for the East Lake Holiday Parade!
Arianna: I know! I’m surprised no one else thought of spending the night on the cold concrete!
Craig: Yeah! Yeah
Arianna: Lucky for us, we had my Felicity sleeping bag with it’s own Keri Russell home perm kit!
Craig: Ooh! You know she cut her hair?
Arianna: I know! I hope it wasn’t lice.
Craig: Mmm. (agreement)
Arianna: Craig! Here comes the grand marshals! Dustin Diamond from Saved By The Bell
Craig: And country superstar Juice Newton!
Arianna: Yeah JUUUUICE!!!
Craig: SCREEEEEECH!!!
Arianna: JUUUUUUUICE!!!!
Craig: SCREEEECH!!!
Arianna: JUUICE! NEWTON!!
Craig: SCREECH! DIAMOND!
Arianna: WHAT?!?! Oh. It’s not them.
Craig: Oh! Okay, let’s kick it!
Arianna: Yeah, let’s kick it!
Together: V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!Victory, victory is our cry!B-U-T-W-I-P-E!Hey, Butt wipe! You stinky!P-I-M-P-L-E-S!Pimples on your face and you need Strydex!Here, zitty, zitty, zittyPPFFT!HYGIENE! WHOO!
Arianna: (cheering) C’mon, you guys! Twirl it! Don’t hurl it!
Craig: Arianna, I swear, if Roberto Clemente High wins top marching band over us again this year, I’m gonna go jujitsu on their ass!
Arianna: Craig!
Craig: Okay, hiney, whatever! I’m fired up!
Arianna: But, Craig! We got a secret weapon leading flag corps this year and her name is Gabby Malowski!
Craig: I asked you not to say her name.
Arianna: I’m sorry.
Craig: I got a bad crush.
Arianna: Oh, yeah.
Craig: It’s so easy for you. You’re going to the Snowflake Ball with Johnny Pinto, the hot new kid in school.
Arianna: (excited) Yessss!
Craig: I just feel like the odd man out like Left-Eye from TLC.
Arianna: I know! Why won’t Chili and T-Boz cut her a break?!
Craig: I know.
Arianna: It’s just so damn unpretty.
Craig: I know.
Arianna: Oh my God, Craig! Here comes my new boyfriend Johnny!!
(Johnny Pinto walks on in a marching uniform, carrying a flute)
Arianna: (jumps on him) Johnny! I can’t wait for the Snowflake Ball! I made reservations for us at the International House of Pancakes! Or IHOP as they call it on the streets!
Johnny: Well, first, maybe you should stop off at the International House of Tongue.
(Arianna gasps as her and Johnny make out humorously. Johnny tries to grab Arianna’s boob. Arianna smacks his hand away.)
Arianna: Johnny! Not ’til the Millennium!
Johnny: But the Pinto needs a little A cup now!
Arianna: (scoff) I’m a small B, and no!
Johnny: I got nothin’ but time
Craig: Damn, Johnny! I bet you’re cool all the way down to your underwear!
Johnny: Don’t wear ’em.
Arianna: (gasp) Oh my God, Craig! My boyfriend is free balling!
Craig: Awesome!
Johnny: Hey, Craig, I heard that Gabby Malowski doesn’t have a date for the Snowflake Ball.
Craig: OH NO!
Arianna: OOOH! Here’s your chance to ask her now! GABBY!
(Craig and Arianna call Gabby’s name. Gabby enters carrying a flag.)
Arianna: Gabby, if I were Polish, and in flag corps I would wanna be just like you!
Gabby: It’s not flag corps; it’s color guard, queer bomb.
Arianna: Ooh, diss.
Craig: Gabby, would you go with me to the Snowflake Ball? I’ll wax my back for you.
Gabby: Craig, me cool. You not. I’d rather go to the dance with my flag.
Craig: I get called “Flag” a lot, minus the L. So what about the Snowflake dance? Sounds like a go!
Gabby: Hey! Back hair! Right here. (points to mouth) No!
(Craig and Arianna are disappointed.)
Gabby: Let me give you a tip, new kid in school Johnny Pinto, there’s only one person who’s a bigger loser than Craig and that’s Arianna.
Johnny: (backs away from Arianna) Whoa. I’m dating a loser?
Gabby: I suggest you cut bait before you get her queer-mite stink on you.
Arianna: (grabs Johnny) It’s already on him! It’s called “Pizzazz” by Kathy Lee Gifford!
Gabby: She’s not even a real cheerleader.
Arianna: Ooh, double diss. I swear! Johnny, I swear, baby, I was gonna tell ya!
Johnny: (pushes Arianna away) Oh, great. Now I smell like dork.
Arianna: Huh?
Gabby: You should just go to the dance with me!
Johnny: Oh yeah? Will you let me touch your boobs?
Gabby: Let you? I’ll make you.
Johnny: Pinto just upgraded to a C cup.
Arianna: (grabs onto Johnny) Aw, baby! You don’t want the milk for free!
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks….Thank you! Ahh, thank you, I’m Colin Quinn, here are tonight’s top stories.
Although 600 demonstrators were arrested this week during protests of the World Trade Organization conference in Seattle. Seattle police say they – the ringleader of the often violent protests against the WTO’s policies of free trade and open competition has been identified as this man. [photo of Bill Gates]
Abroad, the violent demonstrations and rioting that delayed the WTO conference until yesterday were seen as nothing short of evidence that America is gripped by madness and anarchy. Now, what would ever give people that [sign that reads “TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT”] idea?
A new Northern Ireland was born Thursday with the formation of a joint Catholic-Protestant government and the end of 27 years of rule from London. The newfound freedom promises the Irish people a return to the life they knew before British rule — hundreds of years of self-imposed misery.
In entertainment news, rapper Jay-Z was arrested Thursday on charges of stabbing a music executive the previous night during a birthday party for fellow rapper Q-Tip. Partygoers say that they knew there was gonna be trouble when the invitation said the party would last “from 9:00 p.m. until Jay-Z stabs somebody.” [scattered applause]
And it was revealed this week that Kate Shindle, Miss America 1998, is now working as a waitress in a Manhattan deli. It should be noted that if Shindle calls in sick, Miss Montana, her first runner-up, will cover her tables.
Hillary Clinton this week condemned Mayor Rudy Giuliani’s homeless policies and pledged to secure money for federally funded subsidized housing if elected senator. Yeah, it’s true; a senator can do a lot to help the homeless. You know who else can really do a lot to help the homeless? A first lady! [delayed reaction]…The joke was all attitude, and apparently that wasn’t enough for it. All right…
On the medical front, scientists announced Wednesday that they have, for the first time, decoded an entire human chromosome. According to experts, this breakthrough is nothing short of a first step towards unlocking the secrets of our DNA. After the announcement, a concerned O.J. Simpson asked, “I’m still cool, right?” [some applause]…Ah!
The six Republican presidential hopefuls met in New Hampshire this week for their first televised debate ever….George W. Bush took the opportunity to re-emphasize his pledge to cut taxes when he looked into the camera and said, quote, “Read my father’s lips.”
Conservative activist and Republican candidate Gary Bauer, when asked during the debate what his legacy would as – p – would p – be as president, declared that he would resurrect, quote, “the party of Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan.” Lincoln and Reagan. Yeah, those two names go together like “president” and “Gary Bauer.”
Surprisingly, the unofficial winner of the debate may have been conservative radio host and former diplomat Alan Keyes. Pundits predict that after his strong showing, Keyes is now a shoe-in to grab the ballot of every black Republican, provided he remembers to vote. [mixed reaction]…[explains] No, that he remembers; he’s the one….Just waitin’ for it, aren’t you, folks? All right.
For the second day now, NASA scientists are still unable to make contact with the 165-million-dollar Mars Polar Lander. Analysts are now saying this is the most disappointing 165-million-dollar space project since The Phantom Menace. [groans]…You’re right. Uh, it was a real winner, I’m wrong. I’m sorry.
A North Carolina woman who pleaded guilty to manslaughter was sentenced this week to wear a sign reading, “I am a convicted drunk driver and as a result I took a life.” She was last seen being approached by a man wearing a T-shirt that read, “Who likes to party besides me?” [some applause]…Oh! [mockingly smiles and claps when someone in the audience gets the joke] ‘Cause of the…okay.
Frank Amodeo, a cancer victim who is suing the nation’s tobacco companies, testified in Miami Thursday that advertisements featuring celebrities like Mickey Mantle and Ted Williams strongly influenced his decision to begin smoking in the 1950s. In a related story, a man is suing Major League Baseball because he was a Mets fan in the ’80s and is now addicted [photo of Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry] to crack. [cheers and applause]
Police in Hackensack, New Jersey this week wiped out a massive Pokémon counterfeit ring, seizing over one million dollars worth of fake cards. As a public service, here is one of the fake cards parents should be on the lookout for. [doctored photo of a “Gainesachu” card, featuring the body of Pikachu and the head of Chris Gaines with red dots on Gaines’ face]
Gerald Marie, the European president of the Elite modeling agency, quit in disgrace this week after telling a British reporter he planned to have sex with teenage models. I guess one man’s downfall is another man’s [“TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT” sign] presidential platform. [scattered applause]
Some sad news to report tonight: Gene Rayburn, the host of TV’s long-running “Match Game,” died this week at the age of 81. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you send blank.
And finally, on a happier note, Stevie Wonder announced this week that he would consider undergoing an experimental procedure that could allow him to regain his sight. I can’t wait to see the expression on his face the first time he sees Michael Jackson. [cheers and applause]…Ahh! Thank you.
Here with a final word on this week’s events in Seattle is World Trade Organization spokesman Jacob Silj.
[pan over to Jacob, who speaks with a loud monotone voice]
Jacob Silj: Thank you, Colin. This week, the World Trade Organization met in Seattle to discuss matters of great importance. Such as the loosening of trade restrictions that would greatly affect the environment. Unfortunately, delegates were met by hundreds, maybe thousands of protestors. It’s hard to say because of the extreme chaos. One thing’s for sure–
Colin: Listen, Jacob–
Jacob: What? What is it, Colin?
Colin: Do you think you could speak in a normal voice?
Jacob: I am speaking normally.
Colin: No, you’re shouting.
Jacob: Colin, listen to me. I was born without the ability to modulate the volume of my voice. It is an affliction that affects over 700 Americans every year. It is also fully acknowledged by medical communities of both the United States and the United Kingdom. I have extensive literature out in the trunk of my car that I’m happy to run and get for you if you think I’m lying.
Colin: I never said you were lying. Could you just somehow lower your voice?
Jacob: Oh, my God! What did you not understand about what I just said? I can’t do that. I have a disease! Would you ask a blind man to start having vision? Or an old person just to get young again?
Colin: No, of course not.
Jacob: Well?
Colin: Well, what?
Jacob: Would you?
Colin: I already said no!
Jacob: Well, that’s what you’re doing. This is me whispering. This is me shouting. Now I’m singing. Does this sound like a pleasurable way to live? God, I can’t believe he’s doing this to you, Jacob. How humiliating.
Colin: Is that supposed to be a quiet aside to yourself?
Jacob: Of course it was. Oh! You’re just having a field day over there, aren’t you?
Colin: Listen. You don’t have to shout at me.
Jacob: I’m not shouting at you! Believe me, I wish I could, but I can’t! I suffer from voice immodulation. As do hundreds of others in the U.S. and Britain.
Colin: Okay, I apologize, Jacob.
Jacob: Now, no one has learned anything about the World Trade Organization, I hope you’re happy, Colin Quinn.
Colin: I don’t think anyone’s happy here. Jacob Silj, everybody….I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 11th, 1999 Danny DeVito R.E.M. None Al Franken Joe Franken The Rockettes Cheryl Hardwick NBC Special ReportRecurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Arnold Schwarzenegger
Montage
Danny DeVito’s MonologueRecurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.
Press Conference Play Set
Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullin (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) continue their broadcast after the apocalypse. Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullin, Teri Rialto.
Mango’s ChristmasRecurring Characters: Mango.
Boston TeensRecurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank.
Happy Holidays from The Ladies’ ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) sings “Merry Christmas To The Ladies.” Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.
TV Funhouse
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Eager for his decade to end, teenaged Joe Franken yells at his dad, Al Franken.
R.E.M. performs “The Great Beyond”
Rockettes Open AuditionsSummary: 50-year-old Sally O’Malley (Molly Shannon) auditions for The Rockettes. Recurring Characters: Sally O’Malley.
Oh No, Not My Baby!Recurring Characters: Mrs. Claudine Parker, Mr. Brownstone, Judge Timbler.
Announcer: Lou Gehrig, the Pride of the Yankees, realizes he’sfighting a losing battle with a devastating illness. On July 4th, 1939, he speaks to his adoring fans for one last time. A day that will live forever in Yankee history!
Lou Gehrig: Today.. I consider myself.. the luckiest man.. on the face.. of the earth. [ crowd cheers ] I was being sarcastic! I’munlucky! I may be the unluckiest man.. on the face.. of the earth! I have a disease.. so rare.. they named it after me. Yeah, lucky me! [ crowd cheers harder ] You people are hopeless! [ storms off the field ]
Mayor Rudolph Guliani…..Darrell Hammond Voice in Crowd…..Will Ferrell
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. As you know, our beloved Yankees are in the World Series for the second straight year. Before tonight’s game, I received a phone call from the Mayor of Atlanta, Bill Campbell, and he proposed a little wager on the World Series. He said he’d send me a bushel of Georgia peaches if the Yankees won.. and if the Braves won, I had to send him a box of New York strip steaks. Well, I laughed in his face. I said, “Ha ha ha ha ha!” I said, “Listen up, you thissel-chewing hayseed. Betting for peaches might fly with you rubes in the Hillbilly State, but not with the Mayor of New York City.” He asked what I wanted to bet.. I said, “I know my Yankees are gonna win. I got $250,000 to back it up.” That’s right. A cool quarter of a million dollars. And he claimed he didn’t have that kind of money.. I didn’t call him a liar, I just said, “Fine, Huckleberry. If the Braves win, I send you a painting of the Virgin Mary smeared with fecal matter. And if the Yankees win, I want you to send me fifty of your most inbred, redneck Georgia state troopers to come up here and crack skulls of street vendors and cabbies.” Still, the man said no. You know why?
Voice in Crowd: Because you’re crazy?
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: No. Because he knows the Braves suck. They suck hard, they suck at commitment, they suck completely. And then I said, “Okay, Mayor of Heehaw-Land: if the Yankees win, I’ll line up all our vagrants and crazies, winos and cabbies, and I’ll send them to Atlanta.. and if, by some fluke, the Braves win, I take your bums!” But, again, he refused, because Mayor Campbell knows that the Yankees are the better team! Finally, I said, “Okay, here it is: if the Yankees win, we get the severed head of John Rocker on a stick. If the Braves win, I’ll dress up like Scarlett O’Hara, and you can romance me with a plunger.” That’s when he hung up. ‘Cause he’s terrified of our Yankees! I want all you people to remember how much I believe in the Yankees next year when you’re voting for the Senate. ‘Cause you can bet your sweet ass Hillary doesn’t care about the Yankees, and we don’t need people like that in Congress. Thank you, and go Yankees! Oh, and one more thing: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Norm MacDonald: When the people here asked me to do the show, I’ve got to say, I felt kind of weird. I don’t know if you remember this, but I used to actually be on this show. I used to do the “Weekend Update” news routine, you remember that? That’s where I did the make-believe news jokes. That was me, you know? So then, a year and a half ago, I had sort of a disagreement with the management at NBC. I wanted to keep my job. Right? And they felt the exact opposite. They fired me because they said that I wasn’t funny. Now, with most jobs, I could have had a hell of a lawsuit on my hands for that, but see, this is a comedy show. So, they got me. But, now, this is the weird part, it’s only a year and a half later, and now, they ask me to host the show. So I wondered, how did I go from being not funny enough to be even allowed in the building, to being so funny that I’m now hosting the show? How did I suddenly get so goddamn funny?! It was inexplicable to me, because, let’s face it, a year and a half is not enough time for a dude to learn how to be funny! Then it occurred to me, I haven’t gotten funnier, the show has gotten really bad! So, yeah, I’m funny compared to, you know, what you’ll see later. Okay, so let’s recap, the bad news is: I’m still not funny. The good news is: The show blows! Alright, folks, we’ve got a great show for you tonight! Dr. Dre, Snoop Doggie Dogg and Eminem are here. We’ll be right back!
Martha Stewart: Do you love the amber hues of autumn filtered through the weathered planks of an 18th century New England barn? How about heirloom tomatoes plucked fresh from the garden and pickled in a savory rosemary brine? No? How about cold hard cash? I’m Martha Stewart and this week I hit the mother lode.
On Tuesday I sold 7.5 million shares of myself to you the apple-picking, antique-collecting, recklessly E-trading public. Martha Stewart is one of the most successful IPO’s in Wall Street history. The soothing aroma of money. [sniffs wad of money] It’s a scent I really cherish.
Some skeptics don’t believe in “lifestyle” as a commodity. But this week proved that millions of you are ready to stake your financial future on decorative gourds and pruning techniques and you won’t regret it. In addition in doubling in value every 8 hours, my stock certificates also make an elegant wall hanging. Fashioned out of hand-made linen paper and individually calligraphed by my personal secretary, each share evokes a homey sophistication and a pantload of East Hampton class.
Heavy investors in Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia will enjoy a festive shareholder’s lunch with all the trappings of tasteful productivity. I wonder if IBM shareholders get Caribbean pumpkin soup and individual profiteroles at their annual meeting. Not likely.
The real Martha Stewart is a frigid 58 year old divorcee with a filthy mouth and a mean streak. But Martha Stewart the commodity has tremendous potential for expansion and growth. Future ventures include retail stores, theme parks, and converting Cuba into an enormous Bed and Breakfast. So contact your broker or visit my website at marthastewart.sweetcrazymoney.com and buy a piece of me. Your nest egg and my obsessive WASPy perfectionism together we’ll milk the Dow Jones like a friendly old Holstein. It’s a good thing.
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk, where he takes a quick drink of water before he’s ready to do the news]
Colin Quinn: Ah! Ugh. Hi, I’m Colin Quinn, here are tonight’s top stories.
Citing fundraising difficulties, Elizabeth Dole officially ended her bid for the presidency on Wednesday. Quoting Teddy Roosevelt, Dole said, “It is far better to dare mighty things than to live in the great twilight that knows not victory or defeat.” And then she quit. I don’t think she really understands what Roosevelt was talking about.
After her announcement, Bob Dole turned to his wife and said, “I knew Teddy Roosevelt, I worked with Teddy Roosevelt, and you are no Teddy Roosevelt.”
Following her withdrawl, Dole will return to a quiet life outside politics at home with her husband, where the only daily speeches she’ll be making will be, “Get that thing away from me.”…[finally puts down his first sheet of paper] All on one page.
The author of a disputed new book that alleges George Bush, Senior covered up a 1972 cocaine bust on behalf of his son, George W., has reportedly been identified as an ex-con who once tried to have his boss killed with a car bomb. Folks, that’s what we’ve come to. [portrait of George Washington] From “I cannot tell a lie” to [photo of George W. Bush] “The guy who knows about my coke busts tried to have his boss wacked.” [modest reaction]…Doesn’t seem to bother you, but, um…
At a movie premiere this week, Monica Lewinsky revealed a new, slimmer self to the paparazzi. She claims to have lost 30 pounds since late s – last summer, and to have gained some much-needed confidence. “After all,” remarked Lewinsky, “when I was heavier, the only man I could get was the leader of the free world.”
In business news, Martha Stewart earned a billion dollars in one day this week when her company, Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, went public on the New York Stock Exchange. Meanwhile, across town, Debbie Matenopoulos checked the cushions of her couch, trying to scare – scrape up enough money to buy a pint of Stonehaus vodka and some Hostess Sno Balls for breakfast.
The stock itself is now trading at 40 dollars a share. But for those of you who can’t afford to pay that much, I can show you how to make your own shares using some string and a Mason jar.
The World Wrestling Federation also went public this week. [one cheer] Economists say the WWF stock…that purchases come from similar socioeconomic and age groups, and tend to live in exclusive, gated [photo of a trailer] communities.
This week, Larry King announced that his 39-year-old wife is pregnant again, prompting King to boast that he’s, quote, “reinventing manhood.” When reached for comment, King’s wife said, “Just get him off me, okay?”
Tonight, part two of our retrospective looking back at the past thousand years, this is Weekend Upth – Update’s “The Millennium.”
[As dark, mysterious music plays, dissolve to a dissolving series of zooming-in pictures. The sequence of pictures is as follows: view of Earth from space, William Shakespeare, Neil Armstrong on the moon, a medieval knight, Albert Einstein, Ludwig von Beethoven, Christopher Columbus, a French military leader, doctored photo of “Happy Days” character Fonzie and Frankenstein’s monster standing in front of the airplane The Spirit of St. Louis, doctored photo of a bird of prey carrying away Abraham Lincoln, doctored photo of Harry Truman holding up a Chicago Daily Tribune newspaper with the headline “VADER DEFEATS FLINTSTONE.”]
Announcer #1: As we reflect on a thousand years of human achievement, we tend to focus on events that actually happened, and people who really existed. That’s one way to study history. But what about stuff that’s completely made up? Tonight, we look past the facts to examine the moments that never occurred.
[dissolve to an hourglass, then zoom in “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM”]
Announcer #2: Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.” [fade up words at the bottom as they are spoken] Part Two: Moments That Never Occurred.
[Music becomes more triumphant. Dissolve to a series of dissolving pictures. Sequence is as follows: 18th-century London, zooming-out doctored picture of Mark Twain and “Masters of the Universe” character Skeletor, doctored photo of an atom bomb exploding over St. Louis, the Great Wall of China, doctored photo of a kitten and three surgeons performing an operation, clip of Lucille Ball, doctored picture of Lucille in an electric chair with cereal mascot Captain Crunch approaching her, zooming-out doctored photo of a flying saucer over Mount Rushmore in broad daylight, zooming-out doctored portrait of the Mona Lisa with the head of Rollie Fingers, zooming-out doctored picture of Evel Knievel motorcycle jumping over George Washington and his troops crossing the Delaware River.]
Announcer #1: London, 1740. Mark Twain and Skeletor from “He-Man” have just won the Battle of Norway by dropping an atomic bomb on St. Louis. Meanwhile, in rural China, a kitten performs the first successful heart transplant. This leads to beloved funnywoman Lucille Ball being put to death in the electric chair by Captain Crunch. These are the events that define our millennium. Complex. Interwoven. Not at all true. Moments that never occurred.
[dissolve to “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM” graphic sequence]
Announcer #2: This has been Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.”
[cheers and applause; fade out music, dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: This week, General Electric announced a recall of 3.1 million dishwashers. After hearing that there are over three million dishwashers in the United States, Pat Buchanan called for stricter immigration laws.
The New York chapter of the Ku Klux Klan held a rally in downtown Manhattan earlier today after a judge ruled this week that the city could not ban the march. New York has responded to the ruling as expected — within minutes of the judge’s decision, sidewalk vendors were out selling counterfeit white hoods.
Executives from the six major broadcast networks have agreed that later this year, they will stop indicating to TV listing services whether a show is a rerun or not. So join us live next week with our host, Fran Tarkenton and musical guest, Leon Redbone.
A poll released this week by the Pew Research Center said that Vice President Al Gore actually does well with women voters, in part because women aren’t concerned with the candidate’s personality. Of course! Women always feel comfortable with a homeless, quiet guy who hangs out with the creep who’s nailing [photo of Bill Clinton] all their friends.
For the first time since scientists began tracking air quality in the mid ’70s, Houston [an audience member sneezes] has supplanted Los Angeles — [to the audience member who sneezed] God bless you — as the smog capital of America….Houston has supplanted Los Angeles as the smog capital of America. Houston will now go on to face New Jersey in the finals….[very quietly to the audience member who sneezed] It would’ve worked better if you hadn’t sneezed.
World-renown cellist Yo-Yo Ma accidentally left his 2.5-million-dollar cello in the trunk of a New York City taxi this week, but recovered it a few hours later. Imagine a musician losing his cherished instrument. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. [photo of Kenny G] Well– [applause]…There you go.
And at a party fundraiser last week, President Clinton said that he wished he could run for president again. When he was then asked what he would miss most about the presidency, Clinton said, “You know what.”
This week, a Reform Party presidential hopeful, Donald Trump, has been involved in a nasty battle with ex-wife number two, Marla Maples, who threatened to, quote, “expose Trump for what he really is.” Here, with a further comment, is Marla Maples.
[pan over to Marla]
Marla Maples: Thank you, Colin. You know, I was serious when I said Donald Trump would be exposed for what he really is — an arrogant model-chasing playboy creep.
Colin: But that’s what everybody already knows about him.
Marla: [after a pause] Oh….But you have to realize, Colin, that he wasn’t always like that. I mean, if you cou – could have just seen him with our daughter, Tiffany. We named her after the jewelry store.
Colin: Sounds classy.
Marla: I know….We had so much fun together. [becomes increasingly upset] But those…those happy days are gone now. And it was all my fault anyway, Colin, I…I just shouldn’t have turned 26. So stupid!…[whispers] So stupid!
Colin: Now wait, Marla…Marla, I – I mean, I still think you’re beautiful.
Marla: [piqued] You do?
Colin: Yeah! I mean, maybe we can go out.
Marla: [looks at Colin, then chuckles] Uhhh, I don’t know….I mean, what do you grab here, maybe a hundred grand a year, tops? [laughs]…[smugly] I mean, I’m sure in Brooklyn, you know, that, uh, you know, you’ve made it, but uh, [laughs]…I mean, come on! This is Park Avenue cooch over here, my friend! [cheers and applause]…Yeah!…This is a whole different Georgia peach we’re talkin’ about!…You know what I mean, Skippy? I mean, this is Ron Perlman-type stuff, Ace! [laughs]…Now, see? You strike me as the kind of guy that, one big screw-up, next thing, we’re living over a candy store on Flatbush Avenue. Am I right? Am I right?
Colin: Okay, I was just, [Marla laughs] you know…
Marla: Ooh! [touches Colin’s suit] Now where’d you get this suit?
Colin: Oh, well, it belongs to the show, but they said they’d give it to me when the season ends.
Marla: [laughs, then mimicks Colin] Well they said they’d give it to me when the season ends! [laughs] Listen. Why don’t you call me, Ace, when you have a closet full of those bad boys in New York, Zürich, and the Caymans. Capisce? [laughs]
Colin: Marla Maples, everybody!…I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
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