Oh No, Not My Baby!Summary: Mrs. Parker (Tracy Morgan) insists that her grown baby boy is no criminal, no matter what holds up as evidence. Recurring Characters: Mrs. Claudine Parker, Mr. Brownstone, Judge Timbler.
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, I’m Colin Quinn! Here are tonight’s top stories.
After U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson ruled yesterday that Microsoft is a monopoly, the Justice Department predicted there would be serious consequences for the software giant. Citing a phrase Windows users know all too well, Judge Jackson told Microsoft executives, “You performed an illegal operation and will shut down.” [some applause]…Ah, the poetic justice of it all.
Microsoft spokesmen were quick to refute the charge that they prevent smaller companies from entering the industry, saying, “As these last few months have shown, Microsoft can be greatly affected by a smaller company with less money: the United States Government.”
The case against Microsoft may have to be thrown out, however, after a dramatic turn this week, in which it was revealed that Bill Gates and Attorney General Janet Reno are, in fact, brother and sister!
During an interview Thursday, Republican presidential hopeful George W. Bush struggled to answer questions about international politics. After the interview, however, Bush said he was confident that if he did become president, no one would worry about his intelligence, thanks to an old Bush family secret [photo of Dan Quayle] weapon that makes you look smarter.
Bush suffered minor injuries on Monday while on a midday jog when he dove to avoid a truck trailer that flipped into his running path. When asked later how severely he was injured, Bush responded, “I’ll let you know in two weeks when I reveal my position on pain.” [little reaction]…As for the cause of the accident…political experts say that having your opponent almost get hit by a tractor-trailer is just one of the many benefits Al Gore will receive after his recent endorsement by the AFL-CIO.
Vice President Al Gore dressed up as Underdog for his annual Halloween party…at the Vice President’s residence last weekend. Unfortunately, Gore spent the entire party trying to distance himself from a guy wearing a Clinton mask. [modest reaction]…[sarcastically] That sure was funny.
In a television appearance this week, Donald Trump said that if elected president, he would appoint himself U.S. Trade Representative and then, quote, “our partners would have to negotiate across the table from Donald Trump.” Hey, isn’t this the same guy who got outsmarted by Merv Griffin?
Lunday’s Sunday Times— excuse me, did I just say “Lunday”? London’s Sunday Times is reporting that Walt Disney Studios is planning to spend 80 million dollars filming the story of the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski. Disney producers say the film will delve in Kaczynski’s criminal psyche, and trace the manhunt that brought him to justice, as well as show in graphic detail how Mickey Mouse ended up with only four fingers.
Chrysler…Chrysler, I mean, announced Wednesday that it will be eliminating its Plymouth line of cars. Plymouth, of course, is the maker of the popular…[unable to think of anything] ohh, uhhh, ugh. Anyway, that’s happening, so that should be good.
First Lady Hillary Clinton returned a donation to her potential New York Senate campaign after discovering that the money might be linked to the Mob. Once again proving that Hillary Clinton has no idea what it takes to be a New Yorker….[points to his sheaf of papers] Took it off the bottom. [cheers and applause] Hey hey! Hey!…It killed!
After closing on her New York home — her new home in Chappequa, New York this week, Hillary Clinton said that while the house would certainly be her primary residence, she would have to ask her husband if it would be his primary residence as well. “Weekend Update” contacted the President for his response to this question, but, as of air time, he was still just laughing.
Bob Barker taped four shows of “The Price Is Right” last week, his first week back at work since surgery in September to repair an artery that was reportedly clogged with…a years supply of Turtle Wax!…I used to be an announcer on MTV, thats why I still got it. Still got it.
An action figure…modeled after the WWFs Al Snow, which depicts him carrying around a womans head, has been pulled from the shelves at Wal-Mart, because of a complaint lodged by a university professor that the toy trivializes violence against women. The reaction from Wal-Mart shoppers was unanimous: “Whats a university professor?” [mixed reaction]…Ah, what are you, from Oklahoma? They dont give a damn.
A federal lawsuit filed this week accuses a suburban Syracuse school district of violating a kindergarteners constitutional rights by censoring a drawing made because it contained a religious image. In a related story, another kindergartener was expelled for doing [mimes with his hands] “this is the church, this is the steeple.”…[expecting more reaction] Gotta give me more than that when I put the paper down, its…humiliating to be staying with the…
Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra were arrested Friday after a noisy fight at a Miami Beach hotel. Authorities would not confirm whether the couple had been handcuffed before or after police arrived. [applause]…Oh! Now were cooking!
In this weeks People magazine “Sexiest Man Alive” issue, Monica Lewinsky said that her choice for sexiest man alive is “Friends” star Matthew Perry. Because, quote, “he seems to have kindness in his eyes, warmth in his laughter, and mischief in his smile.” A humble Perry responded, “Come on. Please dont drag me into your living hell.”
Im Colin Quinn, thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Regis Philbin ..Darrell Hammond Carol ..Ana Gastayer Paul the silent husband ..Horatio Sanz
[ The “Millionaire” title card appears and then fades to set where Regis is standing ]
Regis : Well, Carol Yatse from Oil City, Pennsylvania, youve won 32 thousand dollars so far and I bet you have plans for that money, right Carol?
Carol : Ya, were um, home owners and were hoping to add on a sunroom.
Regis : Well, the next question is worth 64 thousand dollars, you could buy the SUN if you wanted! Are you ready?
Carol : I sure am, Regis.
Regis : All right here we go Who is the voice of “E.T., The Extraterrestrial”?, is it Richard Dreyfuss Debra Winger Frank Oz or Micheal J. Fox!
[ Carol thinks for a few seconds ]
Regis : YOU NEED MORE TIME?
Carol : Yeah!
Regis : Okay take all the time you need.
Carol : Can I have the question again please?
Regis : Hey absolutely. Who is the voice of “E.T”. is it – The Extraterrestrial – is it Richard Dreyfuss Debra Winger Frank Oz or Micheal J Fox!
[ Carol breaks down and start crying ]
Regis : ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
Carol : I dont.. I dont know . Not really Im so sorry I know this isnt the place to do this
Regis : Carol dont worry about it people feel a lot of PRESSURE on this show.
Carol : Its not, its really not the show so much you know what I mean. There is a lot of pressure on the show but, maybe its opening up a lot of other things All this stuff Ive been training in down.. for all this time you know it.. I dont know
Regis : What do you want to do here Carol?
Carol : [still crying]I dont – I dont know what I want! Im Im so embarrassed oh boy..
Regis : You wanna talk to someone?
Carol : No.. my.. my husband is out here in the audience
Regis : All right.. you wanna talk to him?
Carol : I do, I do but I cant talk to him.. hes SO shut down.. but its not just him.. IM SHUT DOWN TOO! Its like we feel each other you know Regis, and I love him so much I love you so much Paul!
[ Camera switch to Paul, pointing his finger at himself and then at his wife meaning “I love you too!” ]
Carol : I love you.. oh my God!
Regis : What do you want to do Carol?
Carol : I dont know.
Regis : Come on!
Carol : Im usually so good at trivia and I should be having fun, but how could you have fun when, everyone expect me to keep it together all the time?
Regis : Carol this might be the right time to use one of your lifelines.
Carol : Maybe I should call my best friend Helen, shell know what to do.
Regis : All right our fr—
[ Carol blows her nose ]
Carol : our friends at AT&T are gonna help us phone Helen and see if she could help.
Carol : Okay
[ phone rings and Helen comes on the line ]
Helen V/O: Yes?
Regis : Is this Helen?
Helen V/O: Yes it is.
Regis : This is Regis Philbin from ABCs Who Wants to be a Millionnaire! We have Carol here who wants to talk to you
Carol : Helen!
Helen V/O: Carol what is going on ?
Carol : [ still crying ]Helen this is so weird I cant stop!
Helen V/O: Carol hold it together. Youre on a game show have a wine or something, I cant talk about this anymore I gotta go Im sorry. [ Helen hangs off the phone ]
Carol : IM GONNA CRACK IT UP!
Regis : Carol! [Regis claps his hands] Carol!CAROL! Look at me! Right here in my eyes! Regis PHILBIN right here! Youre just feeling “feeling scattered“! The biggest sin youve committed is being human! I know exactly what youre doing, when the Joey Bishop show got cancelled I had PANIC attacks, then along came Live with Regis and Katie Lee and I had panic attacks about THAT being my legacy. Then along comes this show and Im HIP again, I endorse fake batter count! Life is a roller coaster ride Carol, and its okay to feel scared on a roller coaster! And I give you permission to let it out!
Carol : I think Im done.. I think Im okay..
Regis : All right
Carol : Thank you Regis
Regis : Does that trivia queen wants to take another shot at the question?
Carol : Okay.. okay..
Regis : Lets do it.
Carol : Okay
Regis : Lets do it – Who is the voice of “E.T”? – is it Richard Dreyfuss Debra Winger Frank Oz or Micheal J Fox!
Carol : The money really isnt important is it Regis?
Regis : Lets not get crazy Carol!
Carol : Im… Im just gonna say: “Richard Dreyfuss”
Regis : Is that your final answer?
Carol : Ya, it is
Regis : Im sorry Carol, thats WRONG its DEBRA WINGER and on a personal note you sure STUNK UP THE STABLE! Well be right back with more of Who Wants to be a Millionaire!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 13th, 1999 Garth Brooks Chris Gaines None Lorne Michaels Paula Pell Special ReportSummary: Diane Carbonal (ana Gasteyer) is on the scene when a crazed gunman (Horatio Sanz) attacks NRA Headquarters. Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Diane Carbonal, Charlton Heston.
Montage
Garth Brooks’ MonologueSummary: Garth Brooks is secretly pleased to discover that Mango (Chris Kattan) has a crush on Chris Gaines. Recurring Characters: Mango.
Today is Never YesterdaySummary: Secret agent 007, James Bond (Chris Parnell), learns that he has 107 venereal diseases, and must alert all his former conquests. Recurring Characters: James Bond. Transcript
The SmurfsSummary: NBC’s upcoming epic mini-series devotes itself to the lives of the blue cartoon creatures. Recurring Characters: Celine Dion, Sean Connery, Al Pacino, Little Richard, Meat Loaf. Transcript
Boston TeensSummary: Boston teenager Pat “Sully” Sullivan (Jimmy Fallon) fools around while his girlfriend Denise McDenna (Rachel Dratch) tries to get a job at Hillshire Farms. Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise. Transcript
Tracy Confronts GarthSummary: Tracy Morgan tells Garth Brooks that he thinks Chris Gaines is a queer.
Great Moments in Corporate HistorySummary: A slip-up while introducing the Warner-Lambert team ends their merger with American Home Products. Transcript
Express FlowersSummary: Donny (Garth Brooks) can’t seem to create a card message to match the flowers he wants to send to his girlfriend. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Weekend Update’s Millennium profile names basketball player Darryl Dawkins the Man Of The Millennium. Molly Shannon’s “The World is Crazy!!! commentary cites Julianna Margulies for leaving “ER.” Transcript
Chris Gaines (Brooks) performs “Way Of The Girl”
MangoSummary: Garth Brooks reveals that Chris Gaines was just a ploy to get close to Mango (Chris Kattan). Recurring Characters: Mango.
The Devil Can’t Write A Love SongSummary: After his girlfriend (Ana Gasteyer) leaves him, musician Milo Jenkins (Garth Brooks) decides to sell his soul for a hit single, but tone-deaf Lucifer (Will Ferrell) fails to be of any real assistance. Transcript
Wilson’sSummary: Rude clerk Nadeen (Cheri Oteri) tells gift exchangers to “Simmer down now!” Recurring Characters: Nadeen. Transcript
Nurse…..Ana Gasteyer James Bond…..Chris Parnell Dr. Carlisle…..Garth Brooks
[ open on TNT logo, as we return to a James Bond movie marathon, in the middle of “Today is Never Yesterday” ]
[ movie opens at Fort Philips Medical Center, Helsinki, Finland ]
Nurse: Wait here, Mr..
James Bond: Bond. James Bond.
Nurse: Right. I’ll tell Dr. Carlisle that you’re here. Is there anything you need.
James Bond: I’ll let you know if.. something comes up.
Nurse: [ coquettish laugh, as she exits ]
Dr. Carlisle: [ enters ] How you doing, James?
James Bond: Good. Good.
Dr. Carlisle: Please have a seat. [ Bond sits ] James, I have some, uh, top secret information for you.
James Bond: For my eyes only? [ laughs ]
Dr. Carlisle: [ opens folder ] I don’t know how you’ve done it, James, but you have 107 different venereal diseases.
James Bond: I’m sorry?
Dr. Carlisle: 53 of them have been identified.. we’ve sent samples of 36 others to disease control center in Atlanta – they won’t return our calls..
James Bond: But, what about the other 18?
Dr. Carlisle: The other 18, we’ve never seen before. They actually found some way to mutate spontaneously with other bits and pieces of venereal disease inside of you. Um.. so rare that we don’t even have names for hem, so we’re naming them “Bond-1”, “Bond-2”, and so on. Then there are three others..
James Bond: Oh.. I thought there were only 107?
Dr. Carlisle: Yeah. Well, we’re thinking it’s a lab report, because these three are only found in sharks.
James Bond: [ holds up arm ]You know, uh, this watch cna shoot laser beams.
Dr. Carlisle: That’s great, James, but can it cure herpes? I mean, haven’t you noticed the lesions? My God, the extreme discolorization? The erosion, for God’s sake? The massive testicular swelling? Surely you’re aware of the stench that even fills this room!
James Bond: [ sniffing ] No..
Dr. Carlisle: 007, this is serious. Now, I need to ask you some questions about your sexual history. How many women have you had sex with in the last five years?
James Bond: Uh.. 4?
Dr. Carlisle: You’re lying.
James Bond: Uh.. yes, I am. About 8,000.
Dr. Carlisle: Mr. Bond, as a government agent and a gentleman, I think it’s your ethical obligation to call every single one of these women and tell them about your condition. With 8,000, I suggest you’d get started.
Nurse: [ enters ] Excuse me, Doctor? [ whispers in his ear ]
Dr. Carlisle: Oh, my God! Uh.. excuse me, there’s an emergency at the lab. It seems that “Bond-4” has eaten through its beaker. If it gets into our water system, we’re all goners. So, good luck to you, James. [ exits office ]
James Bond: [ picks up phone and makes first call ] Hello, is Octopussy there? Great! Hello. Hi, honey, it’s James. Uh, listen, something kind of funny’s come up! No.. not laugh-out-loud funny, but more just weird. Yeah. I have 107 venereal diseases. Hello? [ hangs up ] This isn’t so bad..
[ cut scene to next phone call ]
James Bond: Is Pussy Galore there? Hi! Oh, it’s Pussy Phillips now? Congrats! Listen..
[ cut scene to next phone call ]
James Bond: Is Martha Stewart there? She’s not? Uh.. no. No message.
[ cut scene to next phone call ]
James Bond: Is Batman there? Hey, Robin, it’s James! No, stay on the line, actually, this concerns you both!
[ cut scene to reveal Bond alseep on the couch in the office ]
Nurse: Mr. bond?
James Bond: Oh..? Oh, yes, I was just finishing up. How long have I been here?
Nurse: Eight days.
James Bond: Oh, dear. Well, it seems I’m free at the moment. Would you care to make love in a hovercraft?
Nurse: Sounds intriguing. But I think it’s only fair to tell you: I have crabs.
James Bond: Hmm.. if that’s a venereal disease, then we’re in business. By the way, I didn’t catch your name.
Nurse: It’s Connie. Connie Lingus.
[ cut to TNT logo, as the movie goes to commercial ]
Sully: Hey Tommy, is it rolling? Is the light flashing? Allright cool. Yo yo yo this is Pat Sullivan in Miss Nicholson’s fourth period audio/visual class. For my project I’m filming a trip to Burlington mall with my girl Denise.
Denise: I swear to god Sully, if you don’t get that Burger King breath out of my face, I’m gonna be wicked pissed off.
Sully: So what? If I was rich I’d eat a Whopper every day.
Denise: You’re retarded!
Sully: You are! [ kissing ]
Assistant Manager: Hey, kids, kids. I’m gonna have to ask you not to dry-hump by the food products.
Denise: Are you the manager?
Assistant Manager: You flatter me, I’m the assistant manager.
Denise: Oh, I want to know if you’re hiring any holiday help?
Assistant Manager: We sure are. You kids filming this?
Denise: He is, it’s a school project. He’s not a verbal person, but he is a very visual person.
Sully: I got a learning disorder cos my mom was a big huffer back in the day.
Assistant Manager: Well yes, we are looking for part-timers. Your name?
Denise: Denise McDenna, but everybody calls me Zazoo!
Assistant Manager: Alright Zazoo, you have any experience?
Denise: I worked at Foot Locker for two hours once.
Assistant Manager: Do you have any food product experience?
Sully: She’s got a lot of experience handling sausages.
Denise: Shut up! [ they make out some more ]
Assistant Manager: Okay, okay. We are looking for motivated young people to hand out samples to holiday shoppers.
Denise: Oh my god! I could totally do that!
Assistant Manager: Watch out, it’s tricky cos you have these round sausages and you cut them into little squares.
Denise: Allright allright, I know this one. You like, divide it by four, and then you like square the…
Sully: She should be in charge of cutting the cheese!
Denise: You are so stupid!
Sully: You are! [ more making out ]
Assistant Manager: Whoa, this video’s rated R. Come on, kids.
Denise: Is there any healthcare with this job? Cos there’s like a 40/60 chance I might be pregnant.
Sully: Yeah, if we have a kid I’m naming in Nomar. Mark my words!
Assistant Manager: There’s no health insurance. You get $4.80 an hour, and if you do a good job you get a free piece of nut log after Christmas.
Sully: Hey Tommy, did you get him saying “nut log”?
Denise: So when do I start?
Assistant Manager: Hold on. There’s a couple more questions. Now were you ever convicted of a felony?
Denise: Uh, is public urination a felony?
Assistant Manager: No.
Denise: What about taking your top off at a hockey game?
Assistant Manager: Haha, alright. You know what, umm… I’ll just call you in a few days.
Denise: Alright. Oh wait! You didn’t take my number.
Assistant Manager: No Denise, you’re right. I didn’t take your number. I don’t think you have the skills needed to hand out free bits of cheese.
Sully: Haha, denied! You got burnt.
Denise: Oh come on! I really need this job, cos I was gonna use this money to get Christmas nail tips – eight reindeer, and two baby Jesuses!
Assistant Manager: Sorry Zazoo, you’re just not Hickory Farms material.
Denise: Hey, why the F not?
Assistant Manager: Well, I’ll tell you why the F not.You come in here with no experience, drinking a family-size carton full of screwdrivers..
Denise: You said Vodka didn’t smell!
Sully: I don’t know!
Assistant Manager: I tell ya it’s just disrespectful. [ faces the camera, as Sully goes behind him and makes faces at him ] Here’s a tip for all you kids out there – We wanna hire ya, we really do. When you show up late with a ring through your eyebrow and a pot leaf drawn on the back of your uniform in magic marker, well you just make it darn near impossible. [ turns around and looks at Sully, who suddenly stops mocking him and looks the other way for a second ] And kids, just between us.. [ looks away, as Sully grabs a giant salami stick and waves it around like a sword ] ..I went through that tough-guy phase. I used to skip school, drink beer, set police cars on fire, but eventually – you gotta grow up. Stop enjoying your life and do your job, be serious. What am I saying? I’ll tell you what I’m saying. I’m saying get rid of that camera cos you’re blocking the kielbasas! [ puts his hand over the camera; Sully puts the salami down and walks in front of the camera ]
Sully: Alright, looks like Denise didn’t get that job.
Denise: That’s alright, I got Christmas presents for my entire family! [ she opens her jacket which has stuff hidden inside ]
Sully: You are wicked clever! Let’s go do it in the parking lot! [ she jumps on his back ]
Denise: Alright, but you are NOT taping it this time!
Sully: Come on!
Denise: Oh, and you gotta make sure you cut out the part where I said I was knocked up!
[ Scene opens with Milo trying to write a song with his guitar ]
Milo: [ singing ] “Shes staring over, a bowl of dreams..” Oh, God, no.
[ Girlfriend walks in ]
Girlfriend: Why arent you at work?
Milo: Oh hey honey, come here and sit down, I wanna play you this song.
Girlfriend: Why arent you at work?!
Milo: I got fired.
Girlfriend: What?!
Milo: I dont need that stupid job, this ones the one.
Girlfriend: Youre pathetic, Milo. You are a talent-less loser, and Im not supporting you anymore. Send me a note when you win a Grammy, jerk!
[ she leaves ]
Milo: Well, fine! Fine, leave! Youll see! Im gonna be big, youll see. Im gonna be a big loser. Ugh, man, Im never gonna go anywhere without a hit song. Dude, I would sell my SOUL for a hit song.
[ all of a sudden Lucifer appears ]
Lucifer: Arggh! [ with rock and roll music in the background ] I am Lucifer! And I have heard your request! And it shall be granted! Do you, Milo Jenkins, Truly wish to render your soul to me, in exchange for the success you crave?!? [music ends]
Milo: Yes sir I do. I mean, if I could have one hit song I know it would solve everything for me.
Lucifer: It shall be done! [ A flame comes over Milo, as he screams ] Now then forsaken soul, open thine ears, and sleek thy thirst on the music that could force kings to their knees!!
Milo: Yeah!
Lucifer: And oceans to boil! Behold, the song that will take you to the top of charts!!
Milo: Alright-
[ Lucifer takes his guitar and starts playing, very out of tune ]
Lucifer: [ singing ] “Theres a guy named Fred and hes got a pair of slacks. Oooh Freds got slacks! They fit down the sides and tight around the waist! Ooh Freds got slacks..”
[ stops playing ]
Hold on a second. This thing is out of tune.
Milo: Man, I dont wanna miff you, but that sucked.
Lucifer: [ defensive ] I said the guitar, was out of TUNE!! It wasnt my FAULT!! “Freds Slacks” is a winner!! But fine! Here we go, Ill give you another Behold! This fiendish masterpiece, from the bowels of HELL!!!
[ begins to sing in a high pitched voice with the guitar still out of tune ]“Mondays! Boy I hate Mondays! They make me so steamed! Weekends! Talkin bout the Weekend! Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh , Oh, Oh..”
[ stops singing ]
Son of a bitch!! Is it humid in here or something, ’cause the guitar keeps getting out of tune!
Milo: Man, what kind of guitar is that?
Lucifer: Its a hell-spun mixture of the bones of fornicators!! And the sinew of thieves and gluttons!!! MWUHAHAHAHA! [ pauses ] ..Its uh, Its a Fender.
Milo: Oh! Well, Man, look, maybe we should just call this deal off, ’cause uh, it just seems to me that youre just not that good.
Lucifer: [ defensive ] OH REALLY? [ Thunder and lightening in the background ] Then where did this tasty lick come from?? [ plays an out of tune ditty on his guitar ] Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And on top of it, add this!
[ plays his guitar out of tune again and sings with a fake British Accent ]
“Zorgas borgas, I just got bit by the love bat, and its driving me MAD!!”
[ stops singing ]
Milo: What the hell was that?
Lucifer: Ok, just hold on. Im just gonna jump into one without thinking. No thinking! Im just gonna let it flow and let it flow now.
[ begins playing his out of tune guitar like a heavy metal group, while singing ]
“Fast car! On the highway! On the byway! Mr. Robotron!”
[stops singing ]
Ok, thats not a good one, I gotta move on. I gotta move on, do you mind if I sit down?
Milo: No, no, please! Help yourself.
[ Lucifer sits ]
Lucifer: I cant be so critical, just get out of my head and go, just go!
[ starts playing his guitar like an out of tune version of “All Star” by Smash Mouth ]
“Hey you, youre a nice guy Put your shoes on, hey you!”
[ stops playing ]
Milo: Ok, now hold on, thats a Smash Mouth song with different lyrics!
Lucifer: No its not! Its.. [ singing softly ] “Hey you, youre a..” [ stops singing ] Oh what the frick! Cut me a break! This is hard!
Milo: Oh, well hey man, thanks anyway. But if its ok with you, Ill just keep on pluggin and uh, truthfully, you kind of made me feel better about myself.
Lucifer- You know whats hard is the F chord. It hurts my fingers.
Milo: Yeah, thats a tough one, Mr. Devil. I tell you what.. [ yawns ] I tell you what else is toughstaying up this late, Im sure you gotta go! So um
Lucifer: Wait, Wait, Wait!! I think I got it, I think I got it, so here I go
[ doesnt use the guitar, but instead makes rapping sounds with his hands and does a rap ]
[ rapping ]
“Uh! Im the devil, and Im here to say, Im the most evil rapper in the U.S.A. All my homies and my bitches say Ohhhh”
{stops rapping}
Alright, Im leaving. Ive embarrassed myself. Im sorry about this.
Milo: No, no, thats ok. These things happen you know.
Lucifer: Im kind of tired, is it cool if I leave throught the front door?
Milo: Yeah, just make sure you jiggle the handle and make sure it locks on your way out.
Lucifer: Alright. Take her easy!
Milo: Yeah, you too!
Lucifer: [ singing ] “Take her easy Shes my lady and thats what I said..” [ stops singing ] Hey, that was good.
Milo: No. No.
Lucifer: Nope?
Milo: No.
Lucifer: Sorry. Im gone! [ he exits ]
Milo: Alright. Man, the devil cant write no love songs. Hey! [ picks up guitar and starts singing in tune ]
“Oh, the devil never could write a love song. Didnt seem to matter how much he tried. And ’cause the devil never got his heart broke and the devil never cried.”
Receptionist #1 : And where would you like those flowers sent to?
Receptionist #2 : So thats a dozen roses to 143 Dustin Drive, ya?
Receptionist #3 : Would you like those in a vase or in a box?
Heather : Hello Express Flowers, this is Heather speaking, how may I help you today?
[ Split screen between Donnies house and action center ]
Donnie : Hum, yeah I wanna send like a dozen white roses to my girl.
Heather : Okay, and where would you like that deliver to?
Donnie : Hum, shes in Tallahassee, its in Florida, 887 Clearview road.
Heather : Okay. And what would you like the card to say?
Donnie : Have it say uh “To Gwen, Some flowers for the one I love Donnie“
Heather : Super. And what credit card-
Donnie : Hold on hold on, you know what? Scratch that! “To Gwen, I hope youve forgiven me Love, Donnie“
Heather : Okay. All right, great! Now what credit card-
Donnie : No, no, no, thats not it “To Gwen, I screwed up, you screwed up, now lets screw! – Horniest whishes, Donnie“
Heather : Thats what you want the card to say?
Donnie : Wait, wait, wait, stop! I got it all right? “Dear Gwen, jail changes a man, but I swear Ill never bite your face in anger again – love T-J“
Heather : T-J?
Donnie : Yeah dont worry about it
Heather : Fine, now for payment, would-
Donnie : Hold on, hold on, hold on.. “P.S. Gwen, when I caught you on fours whoa-“ lemme try that again all right? “P.S.Gwen!” I wanna get this right you know? “ when I caught you on all fours with that stuntman at Universal Studios, I just lost it!“
Heather : You know sir usually people just say that theyre sorry or/and, that theyre in love.
Donnie : Hey, hey, hey! why dont you write it in Doctor Frasier Crane!
Heather : Im sorry, please go ahead.
Donnie : All right, how about this? “Gwen, heres the bottom line, I got 800 buck in the bank, a well toughened penis and an NFL football phone, nuff said Love, The Genius“
Heather : Great.
Donnie : Is it really?
Heather : You said you didnt want my opinion.
Donnie : Oh, just tell me, is it great?
Heather : No its not.
Donnie : Damn, Im mad about this girl, all right here, we go, youre ready?
Heather : Okay.
Donnie : “Dear Joleen, I want ya–
Heather : You mean Gwen!
Donnie : Oh no, no! This is Gwens sister. Screw Gwen she smells like shrimps and wont do the weird stuff you know what I mean?
Heather : Okay, Joleen!
Donnie : Okay “Joleen, I send this note to you and flowers so Gwen wouldnt get suspicious. Now heres what I want you to do: get your step dads .38, force Gwen to give you her PIN number, then drive the Duster up here to Vancouver, so I can put my hands on your bathing suit area. Fondly, the Night Dog“
Heather : That wont fit on the card sir.
Donnie : Well jeez, I mean could you like fold up some paper or something?
Heather : You know what? Sure! Express Flowers aims to please.
Donnie : Mkay, I like the way you said that! You like eating uh, scrambled eggs and watching porn!
Heather : No sir, not at the same time.
Donnie : All right, this is not entire, here we go “Dearest Gwen, since you left me, Ive been tortured“
Heather : Hey, thats good.
Donnie : No, no! I mean it, literally, Ive been tortured by Renaldo, this guy who claims I whizzed in his kitchen, yeah he put dog food on my nuts and threaten hed stick his roddy on me, now “Sincerely The Fist of Love“
Heather : Okay, what credit card?
Donnie : Well, I uh, I dont think you guys accept it.
Heather : What is it?
Donnie : Its a Curt Schilling baseball card, you take it?
Heather : No! [ Heather hangs up the phone ]
Katie : [ enters the set, eating scrambled eggs ]Hey baby? The eggs is done you wanna watch some porn?
Donnie : Hey, you know it Katie! Thats my life baby!
Female Customer #1…..Molly Shannon Nadine…..Cheri Oteri Female Customer #2…..Ana Gasteyer Male Customer #1…..Tim Meadows Roy…..Garth Brooks Male Customer #2…..Chris Kattan
[ Female Customer approaches Nadine at the Merchandise Return desk ] Female Customer: Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
Nadine: How can I help you today?
Female Customer: I bought this Cappuccino machine and I think it’s broken so I’d like to return it.
Nadine: Simmah down nah.
Female Customer: Excuse me?
Nadine: Everybody wanna return something, so just simmah down nah!
Female Customer: I wasn’t even getting excited..
Nadine: Simmah down nah!
Female Customer: What are you talking about, this is ridiculous!
Nadine: Simmuuuuuuuh! Add it up; Simmah plus down, plus nah equals simmah down nah, now simmah down nah!
Female Customer: Oh my.. [ leaves in disgust ]
Nadine: Get to steppin’ nah, y’hear? Who’s up there? Who’s up?
[ Couple approach ]
Female Customer #2: Hi, I think we’re next, my boyfriend bought..
Male Customer #1: Yeah, we bought this shirt.
Nadine: Okay, everybody simmah down nah, one at a time!
Male Customer #1: Okay, well, I bought this shirt on sale, and…
Nadine: Give it here.
Male Customer #1: Okay..
Nadine: Give it here!
Male Customer #1: Okay, here it is.. [ he gives her the shirt ] One of the sleeves seems to be longer than the other.
Nadine: [ smells the shirt [ You wore it nah!
Male Customer #1: Well, I know, I had to try it on.
Nadine: Well, slow it down nah, simmah down..
Female Customer #2: Stop telling us to simmer down.
Nadine: Slow it down, nah!
Male Customer #1: Listen, we’re not going to slow it down now either.
Nadine: Quiet down nah?
Female Customer #2: No. Let us speak to the manager.
Nadine: [ into microphone ] Roy, come on up, I need the manager now, y’hear?
[ Roy enters ]
Roy: Hi, I’m Roy, is there some sort of problem?
Male Customer #1: Yes, thank God, a normal person. Listen, your salesperson here..
Nadine: Nadine!
Male Customer #1: Okay, Nadine, okay, she’s not being very helpful. She’s very difficult.
Female Customer #2: Look, the shirt we purchased is defective and we want to return it, simple as that.
Roy: [ smells shirt ] Oh God.. You are aware, sir, this is not cloth toilet paper, aren’t you? I mean, this is not underwear. It is meant to be worn on the upper part of the body, not drug through the valleys of your buttocks.
Male Customer #1: What the hell are you talking about?
Female Customer #2: I will never shop here again!
Roy: Everybody simmah down nah!
Male Customer #1: Okay, I wasn’t upset before, but now I am furious!
Nadine: What happens when you cook greens at low heat?
Male Customer #1: You simmer them…
Nadine: Opposite of up?
Female Customer #2: Down.
Nadine: [ holds up “Now and Later,” covers “and Later” with arm ] Now read this.
Male Customer #1: Now.
Nadine: Simmah down nah!
Male Customer #1: We don’t need to simmer down now, we just need our money back.
Nadine: [ holding “Now and Later” ] Okay, not lah! Nah! Not lah! Nah! Simmah down NAH!
Female Customer #2: I cannot believe this store would hire you people!
Nadine: Quiet down nah! Quiiiiiiiiet down nah! Quiet down nah!
Male Customer #1: What disease do you people have?
Roy: [ holds up keys ] Key.. [ points to his armpit ] ..Pit.. [ holds up pillow ] ..Down.. [ holds up “ShaNaNa album, covers “ShaNa.” ] Na. Keep it down nah! Store policy.
Female Customer #2: You know, I cannot believe that you can’t handle a simple shirt return. What are you going to do for the holidays?
Nadine: Deck the halls nah?
Roy: Light menorah nah!
[ Couple leaves, as Male Customer #2 advances in line ]
Smurf #1…..Will Ferrell Papa Smurf/Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond Grouchy Smurf/Al Pacino…..Chris Kattan Hefty Smurf/Garth Brooks…..Garth Brooks Meatloaf/Smurf…..Horatio Sanz Little Richard/Smurf…..Tracy Morgan Smurfette/Helan Bodham Carter…..Cheri Oteri Celine Dion…..Ana Gasteyer
[OVER NBC LOGO MINISERIES LOGO]
Announcer: This Fall, on NBC, prepare yourself for a historic miniseries event!
[Clips from other NBC miniseries are shown]
Announcer: With the magic of Merlin, the majesty of Noah’s Ark, and the wonder of Leprachans..
[Words appear on screen as he says them.]
Announcer: All in one epic story of Love, Betrayal, Mystery and War!
[Cut to forest clearing filled with Smurfs. One smurf leaps up, sword in hand]
Smurf #1: Fellow Smurfs! Today we fight the battle of our lives. If we go down [He draws his sword] we go down SMURFING!
[Smurfs cheer. Cut to THE SMURFS written in an impressive and Dramatic font.]
Announcer: THE SMURFS. A story as timeless as the Bible and as old as the A-Team.
[Cut to Sean Connery costumed as Papa Smurf]
Announcer: Starring Sean Connery as Papa Smurf.
[Cut to Smurfs gather around Papa Smurf around a fire.]
Papa Smurf/Connery: If we smurf, let the bastards be smurfs WHO SMURF US!
Smurfs: Yeah!
[Cut to Grouchy Smurf, played by Al Pachino]
Announcer: Al Pacino as Grouchy Smurf.
Grouchy Smurf/Pacino: Let me tell you somethin?! I?m just getting? smurfed up! Hoo-smurf-ha!
Announcer: And an all star cast featuring Garth Brooks..
[Cut to Garth Brooks as Hefty Smurf, who wears Roman armour, bending over the prone form of a smurf.]
Hefty/Garth Brooks: Don’t Smurf on me, man! Do not smurf on me!
[Reveal that the smurf he is leaning over is played by Meatloaf]
Announcer: Meatloaf..
Meatloaf/Smurf: There’s.. somethin’.. I gotta tell ya.
Hefty/Garth Brooks: What, What is it, my fri-
Meatloaf/Smurf: S..S..Smurf. [He dies.]
Hefty/Brooks: NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!
Announcer: And Little Richard.
[Cut to Little Richard.]
Little Richard/Smurf: Gather ’round, all you Smurfs! Because not everybody’s getting Smurfy! [Sings] A wap babaloobap a wapbamboo! [He starts singing Tutti Frutti while the smurfs dance around his piano.]
Announcer: It’s a story of war, Magic, and Love![Cut to Helena Bodham Carter as Smurfette, flipping her hair in slow-motion.] With Helena Bodham Carter as the woman who tore their world apart.
[Cut to Smurfette/Helena Bodham Carter and Hefty/Garth Brooks standing on a bridge together]
Hefty Smurf/Brooks: Oh, Smurfette, I hand to see you. I’m..I’m half out of my Smurf!
Smurfette/Bonham Carter: Oh Hefty, you big, manly Smurf! I want you to smurf me! Smurf me right now! I want you to Smurf all over my smurfs!
Hefty/Brooks: Oh, I want to smurf you every which-way! I’m gonna smurf you in your smurfing smurf!
[They kiss and embrace. Cut to Celine Dion singing an over dramatic version of the Smurf theme song. Superimposed over a forest scene.]
Announcer: And a stirring soundtrack by Academy Award winner Celine Dion!
Celine Dion: La la la la la la, la la la la la la La la la la la la la la la la la Smurf!
[Fade to THE SMURFS logo]
Announcer: An epic so grand, an event so memorable, it could only be called.. THE SMURFS.
[Disclaimer and sotto-voiced annoucment appear:]
Announcer: Due to pending legal action, Smurfs may be called Blurfs.
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Air Date:
The PracticeRecurring Characters: Calista Flockhart/Ally McBeal.
