Category: 1999

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 25: Episode 5

99e: Garth Brooks

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
…..Molly Shannon

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks….Thank you! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn. Here are tonight’s top stories.

President Clinton participated in his first ever presidential Internet chat at George Washington University this week. Clinton spent about 90 minutes online, although most of the conversations ended with, “Mr. President, before we go any further, I’m gonna need your credit card number.” [modest reaction]…Nothing like starting off with a bang.

On Tuesday…Germany celebrated the tenth anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, featuring a reunion of Helmut Kohl, Mikhail Gorbachev, and George Bush, which prompted a desperate George W. Bush to declare he could identify at least one of these three former world leaders. [some applause]

Governor Bush insisted this week that he’s fit for office because he knows how to bring peace between world leaders, despite his recent difficulty in naming them. Asked how he would do this, Bush says he’ll use the old trick of greeting everyone with “Chief!“, “Big guy!“, and “Hey, there he is!”

Hillary Clinton returned today from a controversial four-day tour of Israel and Jordan, which critics sai – saw as a crass attempt to curry favor with Jewish voters as part of her bid for New York’s Senate seat. Clinton responded angrily to that charge, saying, “Hey! How ’bout them Yankees?”

A portrait of Pablo Picasso’s mistress, Dora Maar, sold for 49.5 million dollars at Sotheby’s early this week. The painting is of particular interest because art critics have long wondered why Picasso even had a mistress when you consider how hot his [photo of Picasso’s Portrait of Jacqueline] wife was.

Comedian and long-standing bachelor Jerry Seinfeld got engaged this week to his on-again/off-again girlfriend, Jessica Sklar. The romantic proposal occurred after dinner at a downtown Manhattan restaurant when Seinfeld dropped to one knee, and with tears in his eyes, asked Sklar, “Who wants to be a millionaire?”

In a report released this week on the nation’s Y2K preparedness, the White House reassured Americans that lights won’t go out, planes won’t crash, and nuclear bombs will not accidentally detonate because of the computer glitch. Still upset with last week’s court finding, Bill Gates remarked, “That’s what you think.” [some applause]

The report also noted that in terms of Y2K readiness, Alabama is the nation’s least prepared state. Alabama authorities, however, insist that they’ll get to the Y2K problem as soon as they address the state’s long-standing Y1K difficulties. [scattered applause]

We now present a very special installment of Weekend Update’s “The Millennium,” as we name our choice for Man of the Millennium.

[Dissolve to a dissolving series of zooming-in pictures as dark, mysterious music plays. The sequence of pictures is as follows: view of Earth from space, William Shakespeare, Neil Armstrong on the moon, a medieval knight, Albert Einstein, Ludwig von Beethoven, Christopher Columbus, a French military leader, Philadelphia 76ers basketball player Darryl Dawkins.]

Announcer #1: “History,” wrote Thomas Carlisle, “is the biography of great men.” Tonight, we nominate one to stand above the others: Darryl Dawkins.

[dissolve to an hourglass, then zoom in “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM”]

Announcer #2: Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.” Part Three: Man of the Millennium.

[Fade to black, then fade up to a series of pictures as music becomes more triumphant. Sequence is as follows: panning historical timeline; dissolve to portrait of William Shakespeare; dissolve to photo of Albert Einstein; dissolve to photo of Darryl Dawkins; dissolve to another photo of Dawkins; dissolve to collective picture of Shakespeare, Dawkins, and Einstein; dissolve to photo of two men at a supercomputer; cut to clip of Dawkins standing on court; cut to clip of Dawkins’ glass-shattering slam dunk in Kansas City; cut to clip of Dawkins’ glass-shattering slam dunk in Philadelphia; dissolve to converging portraits of Shakespeare and Einstein, fade down portraits and fade up clip of Dawkins’ second glass-shattering slam dunk; dissolve to photo of Dawkins, fade up yellow banner at the bottom that reads “Man of the Millennium.”]

Announcer #1: From a thousand years of history, we selected three finalists. William Shakespeare, master of the written word; Albert Einstein, decoder of cosmic mysteries; and Darryl Dawkins, who named his dunks “The Go-Rilla” and “Rump-Roaster,” while claiming he was from the planet Lovetron. Three great men. But to choose one, we need a common ground on which to judge them. At random, this supercomputer chose: basketball. The head-to-head comparison went like this: over and over, Darryl Dawkins pounded violent, almost pornographic dunks over the once-great patent clerk and the effeminate actor, raining a shower of glass and terror on the two cowering nerds. So congratulations, Darryl “Chocolate Thunder” Dawkins, Weekend Update’s Man of the Millennium!

[dissolve to “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM” graphic sequence]

Announcer #2: This has been Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.”

[cheers and applause as music fades out, dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin: Yee-aw!

This week, a nine-year-old boy was arrested for stabbing his friend over a Pokémon card. For those of you who don’t know, “Pokémon” is a Japanese word for “this week’s excuse.”

Bostrox Records announced plans this week to release a CD featuring calypso songs sung by Louis Farrakhan, recorded before he had to abandon his music career in order to become the leader of the Nation of Islam. Of course, if Farrakhan were a young man today, he’d have a way to combine both his love of music and his hatred of white people — rap. [little reaction]…Oh-h-h yeah, I’m just gonna…I can’t get a f – laugh on a Farrakhan joke in the Garth Brooks show, folks. That’s a little politically correct for my taste, I’m sorry.

The Senate this week approved a bill that will raise the minimum wage one dollar to 6.15 over the next 28 months. Meaning now people who work at McDonald’s can actually afford to eat there.

In international news, Israel’s recent sale to China of a sophisticated 250-million-dollar airborne radar system raised serious concerns at the Pentagon this week. Defense officials are worried about the idea of China buying from Israel, noting that usually it’s Jews who are ordering Chinese. [scattered applause]…But that was okay? All right.

A Florida company signed a deal with the Vatican last week to issue commemorative Pope John Paul the Second phone cards. Boy, how guilty am I going to feel when I use a Pope phone card to call my girlfriend for long-distance phone sex?…It was rhetorical, actually, but…

On a five-day tour of Asia this week, the Pope himself launched a conversion drive that the Church hopes will reap a “harvest of faith” in the next millennium. At a stop in India, the Pontiff tried to persuade an audience in the cyclone-, famine-, and flood-stricken country by asking, “Come on, look around. Do you really think you picked the right god?” [mixed reaction]…What are you, Hindu? What, is there a yoga class here today? Figures…

In business news, United Parcel Service went public this Wednesday with a record-setting five-and-a-half-million-dollar stock offering that had shares soaring 35 percent on the first day of trading. The only problem is that for investors to get dividend payments properly, they have to use Federal Express.

After just one week on the job, Bryant Gumbel, host of the new “CBS Early Show,” accidentally signed off by saying, “This is ‘Today’ on NBC.” In a related story, Marv Albert mistakenly introduced a recent Knicks game with, “Hi! Welcome to Spike’s panty and leather mask party!” [applause]…Thank ah!…Thank you.

Now, here to introduce her new editorial commentary segment is our very own Molly Shannon!

[pan over to Molly]

Molly Shannon: [shaking her fists] Wooo! [smiles at Colin and touches his shoulder]…[slapping her hands on the desk] Woooo! Yes! Oh! Thank you very much, Colin. Okay. I’ve been, um, reading the paper a lot lately, and I’ve been studying current events, and I’ve noticed that most news stories have one thing in common — the people in them are really crazy. So, I deci – I decided to start a new segment on Weekend Update called “The World Is Crazy, [makes circles with her hands around her head] Crazy, CRAAZY!!!” [circus-like music plays as colorful graphic “MOLLY SHANNON’S THE WORLD IS CRAZY!!!” flashes briefly]…That’s my segment, okay. Okay.

Colin: What would you like to talk about this week?

Molly: Okay. [fade out music] This week’s item is that Julianna Margulies turned down a 27-million-dollar contract from “ER.” Because she wanted to pursue a movie career, okay? Julianna Margulies, you are crazy, pretty lady! Crazy, curly brown hair, with the big pouty lips, with the big brow, helpin’ with CPR, with the flap jacket! You’re craazy, lady! You could – you could use that money to make your own movie about how crazy you are! Okay? Or you could use it to buy some anti-crazy pills to possibly cure you of the kookiness that seems to have…[jerks finger to her head] s-s-s-stuffed itself in your head! That’s 27 million dollars, [semi-French accent] Julianna! That’s ten million dollars, plus ten million dollars, plus two million dollars, plus five million dollars, and if you don’t take that money, [semi-French accent] Julianna, you are [making circles with her fingers around her head]CRAAAZY! Crazy! Crazy, pretty lady!

Colin: I don’t know, Molly. [some applause]…Maybe you’re crazy.

Molly: No, I’m not crazy, Colin! The world is crazy! [stands up an imitates her “Dog Show” character Miss Colleen] And I like…dogs!

Colin: [laughs] Molly Shannon, everybody! Molly– [Molly puts her arm around him; he kisses her on the cheek] I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story…

Molly: Woo!

Colin: …and I’m sticking to it. Yeah!

[Molly sits back down]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 5

99e: Garth Brooks

Great Moments in Corporate History

Samuel Kernan…..Will Ferrell
Secretary…..Ana Gasteyer
Karl Steer…..Garth Brooks
Frank Lizkulm…..Chris Parnell
Phil Don Levi…..Tim Meadows
Ciro Barkley…..Darrell Hammond
Andy Weiland…..Horatio Santz
Winston Laforge…..Jimmy Fallon
Jennifer Johnson…..Rachel Dratch

[ Establishment shot : Headquarters of Warner-Lambert pharmaceutical. Sign in front of building reads :”Warner-Lambert: World Headquarters”]

[ Shot : Warner-Lambert executive meeting room. Samuel Kernan is standing up at the end of the table, talking to his staff. ]

Samuel Kernan : This is a great day for Warner-Lambert pharmaceutical. This merger with American Home Products will make it possible for two very powerful and respected companies to work together and as the single largest and most influential, drug supplier worldwide. And now when the executives from American Home Products arrive, I want all of you to join me and welcoming them.

Secretary : [ secretary enters the set ] People from American Home Products are here sir.

Samuel Kernan : Oh, wonderful! Okay, send’em in Ms.Chett

Secretary : [ secretary leaves the set ] Gentlemen, if you would? [ executives from with American Home Product enter the set ]

Samuel Kernan : Karl! How are you?

Karl Steer : How are you doing Samuel? [ they shake hands ]

Samuel Kernan : Ladies and gentlemen please uh, have a seat. Make yourselves comfortable. Uh, I’m Samuel Kernan, and I’m the actual Chairman of Warner and Lambert, and I think I should speak for all of us when I say “Welcome”. Uh, let me just quickly introduce my team here. Uh, to my right is Henry Schimmel – our Chief Executive – and to his right, Lawrence Marble – he runs our Marketing – Bill Kaystings over there in the hat, uh Steve Munsen, Jeff Kennington, Charles Weakman – from Research and Development – and he’s next to Mathiew Lopkin, Hank Drummond, Trent Baker, Parker Winslow heads up our European team, uh, Rip Giltor – works in P.R. – with Layla Cassey and Kent Lamken, uh, Burt Treybur, Fred Kurl, Lyle Di Angelo down there, Brett Sheyburs, Philton Madison, and that’s Samuel Whetston and uh, Adrien Easse, down there next to Jasper Loost, Paul Warner, Mark Shitling, and Lanear Morehead uh, passed Lanear there’s Kent Sanderson and Harnold Hoatch, Peter Kallingback –in the plied jacket, of course – Dirk Ford, Preston Phillips – just had a baby – Arthur Rowlings, Anson Pierce, Dominik Hentsbruck, Wilson Smith, Debra Hillson, Kwan Pak, Cameron Wong-Jett, Richard Kyle, Dana Grott, Bill Wilder, Kevin McTattle, Bren Bearsley – heads up our Personnel – next to her is Lance Fortune and Granch Freemont there’s, Dick Bartum right there uh, Windsel Kelly, Andy Pearson, Paul Jacobson and Lenny Forem [ Samuel Kernan takes big a glass of water and continues ] Will Suncek, uh, Amanda Sphorget, Jim Palter, Lester Bedlie down there, Gale Dutrik, Vince O’Grady, Marl Oppaulond, uh, Robert Gettlingbush, Forrest Birss, Chester Lang, Richard Camperton, Art Wonder, there’s Mark Williams, Christopher Hagerty, Gaston Lejeune – I think I pronounced that right – Wilson Steinman down there, uh Damon Winckerminch, Wes Fitzpatrick, Gene Stewart, and there on the end, Kyle Gotleed, Nick Windstad, Herbert Locks, Wayne Forrest and… Kevin Warner. And that runs out the owners of Warner and Lambert team, uh, Brett Holkum couldn’t make it there’s a illness in his family. [ Samuel Kernan sits down, Karl steer get off his chair ]

Karl Steer : It was my pleasure gentlemen hum, I’m Karl Steer, and I’m the president of with American Home Product and uh, I’d rather not take my family to the test. I’d just like to allow my staff to hum, introduce themselves, so Frank, if you wouldn’t mind starting up.

Frank Lizkulm : Sure. Frank Lizkulm – executive in charges of Sales- pleasure to meet you.

Phil Don Levi : Uh, Phil Don Levi

Ciro Barkley : Ciro Barkley

Andy Weiland : Andy Weiland – Marketing.

Winston Laforge : Winston Laforge

Jennifer Johnson : Jonnifer Jenhson- uh…I mean, Jennifer Johnson [ all the executives look at her, shocked, Samuel Kernan stands up ]

Samuel Kernan: What was that?

Jennifer Johnson : uh, I slipped up.

Samuel Kernan: You what?

Jennifer Johnson : I just got, tripped up, I – [ Samuel Kernan studies the situation nervously ]

Samuel Kernan : No. No I don’t like the way this feels. The Merger’s off! [ the executives takes their briefcases and leave ] Every once in a while they’re gonna ask Stutter Puss down there! Okay? Good Day!

[ SUPER: Great Moments in Corporate History ]

V/O : You’ve been watching “Great Moments in Corporate History”. See you next time.

[ Fade out ]

Submitted by: P-Y

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Action 8 Newswatch

Connor Stands…..Jerry Seinfeld
Taffy Davenport…..Ana Gasteyer
Hale Breezy…..Chris Parnell
Sorrell Matthews…..Tim Meadows
Roger Sorkin…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: It’s the 11 o’clock Action 8 Newswatch, with Connor Standsand Taffy Davenport, and the entire Action 8 News Team.

Connor Stands: Our top stories tonight: the president has beenassassinated. But president of what? We’ll tell you in the nexthalf-hour. Taffy?

Taffy Davenport: Connor, it’s no bark and all bite for goldenretrievers and other so-called family dogs. What’s causing these sweet andfurry creatures to viciously attack sleeping toddlers? Stay, and we’lltell you in a minute.

Connor Stands: Also tonight: a common household item – something weall have in our homes and are probably using right now – is found to be fullof lethal poison. We’ll tell you what it is at the end of the hour.

Taffy Davenport: Also: a psychopathic sex criminal makes a prisonbreak, threatening to kill the person he meets in a large public area.Coming up, we’ll tell you where, and Hale Breezy’s gonna guide usthrough this evening’s approaching monsoon.

Hale Breezy: Taffy, Hurricane Paula is here. The deadly storm ismoving fast and taking no prisoners! On my Weather Roundup, I’ll give youtips on how to keep the fatalities in your family to a minimum!

Connor Stands: And more on that deadly household object. Hint: youwon’t find it in your refrigerator. Taffy?

Taffy Davenport: And, later in the hour, Big 8 Reporter SorrellMatthews gives us an update on the infestation of disease-bearing insectsin your community.

Sorrell Matthews: Taffy, a source close to the Mayor says that in 48hours, all bugs will become carriers of a deadly virus that may ornot be the Bubonic Plague. But, not to worry. You can protect yourselffrom this seemingly inescapable plague by using common everyday bugrepellents.

Taffy Davenport: In a related story, a deadly toxin, found in onecommon everyday bug repellant, is linked to a crippling neurologicaldisorder. We’ll tell you which one later in the broadcast. Connor?

Connor Stands: Another hint: you can’t bounce it. More on thatdeadly household object coming up. And, on our Big 8 Special Report,Newswatch’s own Taffy Davenport asks the question, “Are We Really Safe?”

Taffy Davenport: Are We Really Safe? What about our schools? Ourchildren? The elderly? How about our pets? And, finally, are safetyproducts safe? A new study says no. I’ll wrap it up for you later in thehour.

Connor Stands: The lethal household product is not made of wood, noris it made of plastic. And you don’t even have to use it for it to endyour whole life. I’ll solve this puzzle at the end of the hour.

Taffy Davenport: And you don’t want to miss tonight’s Roger SorkinMinute.

Roger Sorkin: Can a potty chair crush my toddler’s kneecap? Youbetcha! Can mental patients buy automatic weapons at gun fairs? My cousindid! Can an airbag spontaneously inflate and burn me while I sit in a parkedcar eating my lunch? Hell, yeah! Don’t panic? No, panic! Panic!Don’t miss a minute of the minute!

Connor Stands: This just in – that household product has just gottendeadlier. And the longer you wait, the deadlier it gets.

Taffy Davenport: Is it a rubber band?

Connor Stands: You’ll have to find out with everybody else, Taffy,at the end of the hour.

Taffy Davenport: All these stories and an interview with ZZ Top,live at the State Fairgrounds.

Connor Stands: More news on that presidential assassination: hewill be replaced by the Vice-President. But Vice-President of what?We’ll tell you after the break.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Oz

…..Jerry Seinfeld
Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger…..J.K. Simmons
Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher…..Lee Tergesen
Prisoner #97P904, Ryan O’Reily…..Dean Winters
Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill…..Harold Perrineau

Announcer: [ over scroll ] “On May 14th 1998, Jerry, George, Elaine,and Kramer were sentenced to one year in prison for violating theMassachusetts Good Samaritan Law. Then, due to a series of sarcastic quipsJerry made to prison guards, and a series finale regarded by most TV criticsas “Satisfactory At Best”, Jerry Seinfeld was transferred to a maximum securityprison.

That facility is known as..”

[ cut to title card: “OZ” ]

[ show various fragments of Oz prison life – cut to Jerry carefully placingtoilet paper around the rim of the toilet in his prison cell ]

[ show more scenes of prison life – segue to Jerry working out in the prisongym ]

[ show two male inmates making out in the shower, slow pan left to Jerryflossing his teeth at the sink, disgusted at the scene taking place behind him ]

[ open on Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger, forming a huddle with some of the other inmates, as Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher, descends the stairs in the background ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Listen up – Beecher’s going down. In the shower. I’m gonna cut off his sac and stuff it in his mouth.

[ Jerry Seinfeld suddenly pokes his head into the crowd ]

Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, fellas. I noticed there’s no cardio equipment in the gym. Is there another room somewhere?

[ the prisoners give Jerry a series of dirty looks ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Who are you?

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld. Pleasure to meet you! [ extends his hand ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: You a Hebrew?

Jerry Seinfeld: Y-yeah. But people don’t seem to have a problem with it on a national level. [ smiles ]

[ cut to Jerry standing next to ?? on the second-floor balcony ]

Jerry Seinfeld: What is with this place? It’s so cliquey. On the other hand, I kinda like the hole. You know, they throw you in naked. It’s like a spa. You know, you’re not looking too good.

?? : Adebisi pricked me with an AIDS-infected needle.

Jerry Seinfeld: [ backing off ] Well.. good luck with all that! [ walks away ]

[ cut to the prison cafeteria – Jerry eating lunch with some of the other inmates. Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher, gives a dirty look to Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger, as he walks past the table. ]

Jerry Seinfeld: What is with you two?

Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: Ah, you know. First, I was his bitch.. then he burned a swastika into my ass.. and then I took a crap in his face. And that started a whole.. thing!

Jerry Seinfeld: Tell me. I once dated a girl who I think was always wearing the same dress!

Prisoner #2: [ gives Jerry a strange look ] Anyway.. he nearly broke every bonein my body. I thought we were gonna make up, and he nailed me to the gym floor!

Jerry Seinfeld: Did he try to..?

Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: No. Nothing happened.

Jerry Seinfeld: You missed out on the make-up sodomy?

Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: I missed out on the sodomy!

Jerry Seinfeld: The make-up sodomy’s the best part of being nailed to a gym floor!

Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: Missed out, baby!

[ cut to Jerry leading a prison rap session in one of the cells]

Jerry Seinfeld: You think you can hold out longer than me?

Prisoner #97P904, Ryan O’Reily: I know I can hold out longer than you!

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Care to make it interesting?

Prisoner #97P904, Ryan O’Reily: A carton smokes?

Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill: I want in, too.

Jerry Seinfeld: You’re all on. [ shakes pinkies with everyone ] Whoever goes the longest without committing male rape wins the Contest.

All: [ throwing up their pinkies ] Yeaaaaaaahh!

[ cut to Jerry surrounded by prisoners ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: You should have had Kramer on the stand!

???: Kramer’s funny.

Jerry Seinfeld: Maybe I should have married Elaine. You know, the expectations were kinda high.

[ Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill, wheels up and throws his carton of smokes on the table ]

Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill: Well.. I’m out!

Jerry Seinfeld: You?!

[ Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill, throws his hands in the air ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Yeah.. I’m out, too..

Jerry Seinfeld: [ pause ] Me, too. [ pauses, then laughs ]

[ show a quick montage of scenes ]

Announcer: Next week, on “Oz”.

[ cut to exterior, the hole ]

Guard: [ slides door open, revealing a naked Jerry in the background ] You alright?

Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, I’m good. [ steps forward ] There’s no turn-down service, is there?

[ the Guard slides the door closed ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

…And A Pizza Place

Executive #1…Chris Parnell
Executive #2…Molly Shannon
Executive #3…Tim Meadows
Executive #4…Will Ferrell
…Rick Ludwin
Voiceover…Darrell Hammond
Chef…Horatio Sanz
Andy Dick…Chris Kattan
…A.J. Benza

[NBC studios, executives at table]

Executive #1: What if we moved “Law and Order” to Friday?

Executive #2: No…that would leave us with less than 13 hours of Stone Philips a week.

Executive #3: We can’t do that, that would be like crapping in our own backyard.

Executive #4: [enters] Well, I think I have an answer to our little 8:30 problem. As you all know ABC has changed “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place” to “Two Guys and a Girl.” Well, I just got off the phone with Doug Drasin in business affairs and we made a deal. We’re bringing “…and a Pizza Place” to ding, ding, ding: NBC.

Executive #3: [laughs with acceptance]

Executive #2: I’m not with you.

Executive #4: Well, Janice, you know the show “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place?”

Executive #2: Yeah.

Executive #4: Can you name the girl?

Executive #2: Um…

Executive #4: Or how about just one of the two guys?

Executive #2: Uh…

Executive #4: But can you tell me where they generally eat at?

Executive #2: At a pizza place!

Executive #4: Thank you.

Executive #1: So you’re saying—

Executive #4: I’m saying I just gave “…and a Pizza Place” a 13-episode on-air commitment.

Executive #2: But who’s in it?

Executive #4: Whoever likes pizza! You want a slice?

Executive #2: Uh, sure!

Executive #4: You’re in the show.

Executive #1: So a typical show would be—

Executive #4: Ah, there’ll be some ovens, there’ll be some tables. Maybe some garlic…I’m not a writer.

Executive #2: You know my daughter and her friends like pizza.

Executive #4: Hello? Teenagers, Pokemon, cha-ching!

Rick Ludwin: Teenagers, genius!

Executive #3: Yes!

[all clap with approval]

[NBC logo appears]

Voiceover: And now stay tuned for the premiere of “…and a Pizza Place.”

[exterior of pizza restaurant, along with music and pedestrians walking by]

[title appears: …and a Pizza Place]

[caption: Created by James Burrows]

[overhead shot inside pizza place]

[shot of guy eating pizza and drinking soda, canned laughter]

[pizza put on baking sheet, canned applause]

[back to board room, months later]

Executive #1: Here’s the ratings for “Pizza Place.”

Executive #4: Wow, what a dropoff.

Executive #3: Oh boy!

Executive #2: Ooooh, geez, the first six weeks we were blowing “The King of Queens” out of the water! What’s the problem?

Executive #3: I’ll tell you what’s the problem, the show has been terrible lately. There’s no calzones. The soda machine is broken. Some guy burnt the roof of his mouth.

Executive #4: I blame the writers.

Executive #1: Well, that’s not our only trouble. Have you read any of the mail we’ve been getting? “What is this show? I don’t get it. Why are you people doing this?”

Executive #3: Okay, wait a second, here’s an idea. I had a very interesting lunch with a very appealing slice. Ricotta cheese.

Executive #2: Ooh.

Executive #3: Yeah. I had not seen that before.

Executive #4: Are we talking guest shot here?

Executive #1: I’ll call the producer. [dials phone]

Chef: Hello, “…and a Pizza Place!”

Executive #1: Listen, Josepi, we’ve been going over the ratings and…

Chef: Well, don’t-a worry, don’t-a worry too much! We’re going to have a strong week, next week-a. We gonna have the ices!!!

Executive #1: Alright, we had an idea we wanted to run by you. There’s a slice of pizza we are very excited about. We want you to give it a guest shot.

Chef: Okay, what kind of slice-a?

Executive #1: It’s gotta ricotta cheese on it.

Chef: Okay, let me talk to the writers. Hey guys, it’s NBC. They wanna ricotta cheese-a slice-a. [writers are chefs]

Writer #1: Ricotta?

Writer #2: Yeah, we could do that.

Chef: Okay, they make-a you the slice, you pick it up.

Executive #1: No, no, no, no, we want it on the show.

Chef: Ok, it’ll be ready about-a 15 minute.

Executive #4: How’d it go?

Executive #1: It’ll be ready in 15 minutes.

Executive #4: Good, good. Let’s get to work on Leno’s monologue.

Executive #3: Alright.

Rick Ludwin: Leno, genius!

[all applaud]

[screenshot of 52nd Annual Emmy Awards]

Executive #4: Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Dick! [Dick approaches podium]

Andy Dick: Thank you, omigod!! I’m so glad to be here, wow! God, I just wish I wasn’t so hopped on blow. I mean pills, omigod!!!! Why did I just correct myself?! Anyway, the nominees for best supporting actor are—David Hyde Pierce [stock footage], Peter Boyle [footage], a slice of ricotta cheese pizza [shown on chair with a bow tie], and John Mahoney! [more footage] And the winner is…God, I can’t wait to go out tonight and have sex with a guy. Omigod!!!!! Why am I talking?!!! Where did that come from? And the winner is…Mr. David Hyde Pierce.

[scrolling dialogue with voiceover]

Executive #4: Even though it didn’t win the Emmy, the slice of ricotta cheese pizza went on to win the People’s Choice and the Viewers for Quality Television Award and was the odds-on favorite at the Golden Globes until it was accidentally consumed at a pre-show party by ER’s Eriq La Salle.

[dark and dingy pizza place]

A.J. Benza: Fame, ain’t it a bitch? [eats slice and throws the crust away]

Submitted by: Jason Dignard

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Perot’s Reform Party

Ross Perot…..Cheri Oteri
Pat Buchanan…..Chris Parnell
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Jesse Ventura…..Will Ferrell

[Caption: Reform Party Headquarters-Dallas, Texas]

Ross Perot: Gentlemen, I think we all know why we’re here. [Chair swivels around to show strange Mr. Perot] Now, the Reform Party needs a new crazy leader. Now, maybe it might be Pat Buchanan [Buchanan is shown], or maybe Donald Trump [Trump shown puckering lips]; but it sure as Hell won’t be me. [maniacal laugh]. Apparently, fellas, I wasn’t insane enough for the American people. Now what we need is a real nutbag.

Pat Buchanan: I couldn’t agree more, the American people….

Ross Perot: Pat, Pat let me finish! Would you let me finish, Pat? Now, I’m gonna ask you gentlemens a few questions.

Pat Buchanan: Go ahead.

Donald Trump: Shoot.

Ross Perot: Okay, Pat, you eager beaver; where do you stand on illegal aliens, Pat?

Pat Buchanan: Ross, we have a serious illegal alien problem in this country; foreigners in general are repulsive to me!

Donald Trump: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold the boat! The Donald employs an army of illegal aliens in as many fine Atlantic City hotels and casinos. Sure, they steal and talk funny, but if they’re fresh off the burrito bar, they’ll work for 15 cents a week. [laughs] I’ve seen it happen.

Ross Perot: Okay, fellas, that’s all well and good, you see, but I’m not talking about foreigners. I’m talking about aliens, martians, come on!

Pat Buchanan: Martians?

Ross Perot: Yes, martians, you know, come on! The weird spacesuits, the rap music, Veracon and the million man marchs. Come on, don’t tell me you haven’t seen them with the ray guns?

Pat Buchanan: Oh, Ross, I for one would pass a law making it impossible for “martians” [all laugh] to have ray guns.

Ross Perot: Good answer, Patty, good answer!

Pat Buchanan: Oh, I desperately need that money and will say or do anything for it.

Ross Perot: I like the way you talk, Patty. Now what about weird ideas, fellas, reform party candidates always have weird ideas. American people like weird ideas. Whatcha got for me, Patty?

Pat Buchanan: Well, now I’ve been throwing some pro-Nazi stuff out there, seeing how it plays. I think the American people are very receptive. I want to try a little mustache, too here. Ya know, maybe make myself more recognizable. [Takes out Hitler mustache and puts it on] Huh? What do you say?

Ross Perot: I like it, I like it. Whatdya got for me, the Donald?

Donald Trump: First off, the Donald has a few plans for that staunchy and outdated old White House, you understand? Gentlemen, I give you the Trump House. [Reveals a drawing of the Trump House, resembling Trump Plaza Hotel] A 90-story deluxe government facility and gambling casino, all brass and class. And to top it all off, my campaign slogan: “I got it, you want it, come and get it!” [laughs] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, one more thing. Pat, you like chicks right? [Buchanan appears confused] Forget it. Ross, you like chicks, right? [Perot giggles excitedly] Okay. Alright, the interns under the Donald’s desk are gonna be a lot classier than Monica Lewinsky. Ladies, come on in! [Three ladies begin to flaunt over the Donald]

Pat Buchanan: Now come on, this is ridiculous! America won’t stand for this! This man is a cheap hustler with barroom morals. Ross, I beg you…

[Suddenly, a giant crash comes from the wall and Jesse Ventura enters enraged]

Ross Perot: It’s Jesse! Run for your lives!!!

[Everybody exits except for Ventura and Buchanan appears to have fallen on the floor]

Jesse Ventura: [incredibly loud] I’m the leader of this party! I won in Minnesota! And I can take this country, and put it in a massive headlock! Now, get ready to get bodyslammed! [picks up dummy of Buchanan] Come here!

Pat Buchanan: What are you doing?!

[Ventura proceeds to viciously beat Patty]

Jesse Ventura: Now I got you! Now I got you! Now I got you! Now I got you!

Pat Buchanan: Put me down! Put me down! I want you to be my vice-president!

[Ventura then throws Buchanan out into the audience]

Jesse Ventura: What are you looking at America?! You think I’m a joke?! Well, you won’t when I’m your next president! Oh, yeah…”Live, from New York, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!”

submitted by: Jason Dignard

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Keeping Him Alive

Head Thug…..Will Ferrell
Puke…..Jerry Seinfeld
Thug #2…..Horatio Sanz
Thug #3…..Jimmy Fallon

[ a Puke is getting beat up by a group of thugs in an abandonedwarehouse ]

Head Thug: Tell us what we need to know, you lousy puke!

Puke: Oh, why don’t you just kill me and get it over with!

Head Thug: I’m afraid it’s not gonna be that easy. You see, I knowa thing or two about the human body.. and, if I have to, I can keepyou alive for weeks ’til I get what I want outta you.

Puke: Screw you!

[ the two other Thugs begin to viciously beat the puke to a pulp, untilthey discover that they’ve killed him ]

Head Thug: Alright, alright! That’s enough!

Thug #2: Hey.. he’s not moving.

Head Thug: I’m not getting a pulse.. Alright, get him on the table. [ the two thugs pick him up and drag him across the floor onto a hospitalstretcher ] Watch his neck! I think he’s had a contusion of the frontallobe – he’s going into shock. Incubate him. I want 60 CCs of saline, stat.Foot pressure?

Thug #2: 80 over 60.

Head Thug: Okay, he may have some internal bleeding. We may needa catscan.

Thug #2: We don’t have one.

Head Thug: St. John’s has one. Why don’t we have one?Damn, this old warehouse! Don’t take your eyes off that EKG, Sammy!

[ cut to exterior, warehouse ]

[ SUPER: LATER THAT NIGHT ]

[ cut to interior, warehouse, Thug #2 offering a drink of water to therecovering puke ]

Thug #2: Easy.. easy.. there you go.. alright.

Head Thug: [ looking at his patient’s chart ] Well.. you had quite alittle episode there, haven’t you? Have you been up at all?

Puke: I just went to the bathroom for a little bit..

Head Thug: Good, good.. Take it slow, so you’ll feel better. Do youfeel better?

Puke: Yeah.. much better..

Head Thug: Good, good.. that’s great to hear.. [ smacks him acrossthe face with his chart ] Let’s go! Let’s get him into the chair! [ thetwo other Thugs drag the puke out of the stretcher and toss him back intothe chair ] So, are you ready to talk, Puke?!

Puke: Go to Hell!

[ the Thugs start beating him up again, as he moans inaudibly ]

Head Thug: [ stopping the brawl ] What is it? What is it? Don’ttry to talk. Let’s go, people! Call Hank at ICU! Tell him to get ready!

Thug #2: Who’s Hank?

Head Thug: Just do it! Mr. Puke, can you hear me? You’ve beenbadly beaten, but you’re gonna be okay!

[ cut to exterior, warehouse ]

[ SUPER: ONE WEEK LATER ]

[ cut to interior, warehouse, Head Thug taking notes on Puke’s chart ]

Head Thug: How’s our little patient?

Puke: Could you.. raise the bed up.. a little bit..?

Head Thug: Sure, fine.. [ raises the bed ] How’s that?

Puke: ..Better..

Head Thug: Yeah? Better?

[ the group of Thugs jump on top of the stretcher and start to beat upthe Puke all over again ]

[ cut to exterior, warehouse ]

[ SUPER: TWO WEEKS LATER ]

[ cut to interior, warehouse, Puke laying helpless in the stretcher asthe Thugs examine him ]

Head Thug: Let’s see.. we did a little plastic surgery on you.. Itlooks good. I ddin’t realize I was treating Cary Grant, except for thisblood here. Are you feeling better?

Puke: [ realizing the trap, shakes head ] Uh-uh! No!

Head Thug: [ holding bat up high ] You’re not feeling better?

Puke: [ nervous ] No, no, not better at all, no. It’s worse!

[ Head Thug puts on a clown nose and holds a little doll in his hand ]

Thug #2: [ confused ] Boss, what are you doing?

Head Thug: Don’t you understand? You treat the disease, you lose.Treat the patient, you win. [ steps into a pair of bedpans and dancesaround ] Look at me, I’m a Monkey-Man! I’m a Monkey-Man!

[ the Puke starts to laugh ]

Thug #2: Boss! Look! He’s laughing! You’re gettin’ through tohim! It’s a miracle!

Head Thug: Alright! [ takes off his bedpan shoe and swats the Pukein the face with it ]

[ Thug #2 picks up the EKG machine and smashes it over the Puke’s skull ]

Head Thug: We’re losing him! Pedals! [ places them on thePuke’s chest ] Clear! Don’t give up on me! Live, dammit, live!

Thug #2: He’s alive!

Head Thug: Alright, now talk! [ punches the Puke’s face ]

Thug #2: He’s dead!

Head Thug: No! [ pounds the Puke’s chest ]

Thug #2: He’s alive! [ Head Thug punches the Puke ] Dead! [ HeadThug pounds the Puke’s chest ] Alive! [ Head Thug punches the Puke ] Dead![ Head Thug pounds the Puke’s chest ] Alive! [ Head Thug punches the Puke ]Dead! [ Head Thug collapses on the Puke’s chest ] Are you saving him, orare you beating on him?

Head Thug: I don’t know. I just don’t know!

Thug #2: Boss! It’s too late!

Head Thug: [ upset ] Alright, let’s call it. Autopsy.

Thug #2: What for?

Head Thug: Because I want to know why this happened, so that it doesn’t happen again.

[ fade to black as autopsy begins ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Jerry Seinfeld #1…..Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld #2…..Jimmy Fallon

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Ah, we meet again!…Hi, I’m Colin Quinn, and here are today’s top stories.

Yesterday, China celebrated the 50th anniversary of Communist rule with a nationwide festival of parades, speeches, and…I’m guessing, now, fireworks?

This week, Dan Quayle announced his withdrawl from the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Quayle cited the financial advantage of the George Bush campaign as a reason for his pull out, but emphasized that he nonetheless wishes his old boss all the best in his presidential bid.

When asked for his reaction to the withdrawl announcement, Pat Buchanan responded that Quayle was inferior, and needed to be eliminated.

The Washington Post reported today that Al Gore’s campaign manager, Craig Smith, has stepped down, because of Gore’s decision to relocate his headquarters to Nashville. Staffers expect Smith to be replaced by this man. [photo of Roy Clark]

A physical examination of Texas governor George W. Bush revealed that the presidential hopeful is in excellent health with the minor exception of mild hearing loss. Doctors assured reporters that the hearing loss was to be expected; you know how people always talk your ear off when you’re doing coke with them?…Said the doctor.

A runaway chain reaction at Japan’s Tokaimura uranium processing plant Thursday exposed thousands of people to dangerous levels of radiation. Japanese officials admitted that, although the r – radiation was bad, it was nothing compared to the time they had two atom bombs dropped on them. [some applause]

Country music superstar Garth Brooks has adopted an alter ego for his new concept album entitled In the Life of Chris Gaines….Funny, that’s the exact disguise I use whenever I go out to buy [doctored photo of Colin Quinn with the Chris Gaines hairdo — long, black hair on top and a little hair underneath the bottom lip] a Garth Brooks album. [some cheers and applause]

In local news, New York mayor Rudy Giuliani has drawn criticism this week for his attempts to shut down a Brooklyn museum [one audience member boos] exhibit featuring a rendition of the Virgin Mary that’s in questionable taste. While he was in Brooklyn, the mayor also shut down questionably tasteful renditions of the Virgin Mary found [doctored photo of a Virgin Mary headstone in a yard] on lawns throughout the borough. [applause and some cheers]

The painting itself, which portrays the holy mother splattered with elephant dung, is being exhibited at the Brooklyn Museum of Art, and will be covered by plexiglass to prevent protesters from defacing it….Which would involve what, cleaning the elephant dung off it?

Now tonight, “Weekend Update” presents the first in a series of retrospectives looking back at the last thousand years. As it draws to a close, we reflect on the millennium.

[Fade to black as dark, mysterious music plays; cut to a dissolving series of zooming-in pictures. The sequence of pictures is as follows: view of Earth from space, William Shakespeare, Neil Armstrong on the moon, a medieval knight, Albert Einstein, Ludwig von Beethoven, Christopher Columbus, a French military leader, a shark.]

Annoucer #1: A thousand years. Ten centuries of human history. We cannot tell every story. So we must choose one to speak for them all. But whose? The explorers? The great generals? Sharks? We went with the sharks.

[music becomes more triumphant; dissolve to an hourglass, then zoom in “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM”]

Announcer #2: Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.” [fade up words at the bottom as they are spoken] Part One: Sharks.

[fade to black, then fade up to a series of clips featuring sharks]

Announcer #1: 1000 AD. All over the world, sharks greet the new millennium by swimming and eating things. This continues for several centuries. Meanwhile, on land, the Mongols invade China. And the Black Death sweeps Europe. Sharks are not affected by any of this. But, as the Middle Ages begin, suddenly we find that sharks keep doing the same stuff. [dissolve to picture of Johannes Gutenberg demonstrating his printing press] Then, in 1454, Johannes Gutenberg perfects movable type printing. [dissolve to more clips of sharks] This leads to a flourishing of shark art and culture. Provided, “art and culture” mean “eating and swimming,” and “flourishing” means “stay the same.” You know, as it turns out, these water-breathing death tubes may not be the best way to relate a thousand years of history. Anyway, our bad!

[dissolve to “WEEKEND UPDATE/THE MILLENNIUM” graphic sequence]

Announcer #2: This has been Weekend Update’s “The Millennium.”

[cheers and applause as music fades out; fade to black, then fade up to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin: NASA admitted this week that the Mars Orbiter probe was destroyed after burning up in the atmosphere because scientists failed to convert English units of measurements to metric ones….A bunch of real rocket scientists, these guys, huh?…Despite the loss of the 125-million-dollar satellite, however, NASA says not to worry, ’cause it’s only a dollar 25 in metric money.

President Clinton vetoed a Republican tax bill last week, calling it, quote, “too big and too bloated.” If only he applied the [photo of Monica Lewinsky] same standards to everything. [mixed reaction]…The country’s turned pro-Lewinsky in the summer, huh? All right.

Edmund Morris, the author of Dutch, the controversial new Ronald Reagan biography, has been criticized for creating a fictional character as a device for telling the Reagan story. The character’s name? Chris Gaines.

Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura dismissed a barrage of criticism stemming from a Playboy interview, in which he called organized religion “a sham” and “a crutch for the m – weak-minded,” and suggested that prostitution and drugs should be legalized. Ah heh! He doesn’t sound so crazy now, does he?

Former senator and New York Knick Bill Bradley admitted last week to smoking pot during his younger days. Really? I never would’ve dreamed that somebody who spent the 1970s hangin’ out with guys named “Earl the Pearl” and “Clyde” would even have access to pot.

A Kentucky man was arrested this week after entering the home of actress Ashley Judd. The intruder was held by police until having his bond posted by a desperate and lonely Wynonna. [mostly groans]

Breastfeeding…breastfeeding on federal property got the seal of approval under a bill President Clinton signed into law this week. I mean, what were the odds of [photo of a thumb-up Bill Clinton] that one not getting it? [cheers and applause]

And now it’s time for tonight’s point-counterpoint. Our topic: Should the government impose tighter restrictions on the so-called soft money campaign donations? Here to argue in favor of new spending limits is former television star Jerry Seinfeld.

[pan over to Jerry #1]

Jerry Seinfeld #1: Thank you, Colin. [clears throat]

Colin: And taking the counterpoint is [Jerry Seinfeld #2 enters next to Jerry #1] former television star Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry Seinfeld #2: Okay, thanks, Colin! Thanks a lot, buddy!

Colin: Gentlemen, your topic is campaign finance reform. Begin.

Jerry #1: What is going on with the Gap? First it was T-shirts, jeans, the khakis — that was great, but now they’re inventing clothing. Have you seen these drawstring pants? Where – w – where am I going in these things, a clambake? Slumber party? Should I volunteer at a hospital?

Jerry #2: Jerry, what are you talking about? I love the Gap!…It’s like going into your closet, except there’s a guy in there! “Hey, guy, pocket tee?” “Really? Thanks, Gap! What, you’ll refold it?” This place is great! [cheers and applause; says something inaudible to Jerry #1]

Jerry #1: Jerry, you ignorant slut. [cheers and applause]…First, they’re swing dancing. Now they want us to wear a vest! It’s stupid! It looks stupid! I say, let’s not wear the vest! We gotta stop these people!

Jerry #2: I know! And those commercials, I mean, they’re not even dancing for us anymore!

Jerry #1: Yes! Just this sullen line of teenage automatons barking out orders!

Jerry #2: [chanting] “We’re gonna dress you up in a vest! We’re gonna dress you up in a vest!”

Jerry #1 and Jerry #2: [chanting] “We’re gonna dress you up in a vest!” [cheers and applause; both look at each other, smile, and nod]

Jerry #1: You’re funny!

Jerry #2: So are you! So are you!

Colin: Hey, uh, fellas, you seem to have found a lot of common ground. Perhaps in the future, we shouldn’t have a person debate himself.

Jerry #1: But – but he makes a good point!

Jerry #2: I like what this guy has to say.

Jerry #1: I know. You’re me.

Jerry #2: Uh, no, you’re not. I’m you!

Jerry #1: I know! I’m kidding!

Jerry #2: I know you’re kidding!

Jerry #1: I know you’re kidding about me kidding! I’m kidding!

Jerry #2: Wanna go see a movie?

Jerry #1: Yeah!

Jerry #2: Yay!

Jerry #1: Let’s go!

[cheers and applause as both Jerrys leave the studio on their chairs]

Colin: Thank you, Jerry Seinfeld. I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it….[collects his sheaf of papers] Good night!

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 2


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 16th, 1999

Heather Graham

Marc Anthony

None

Dana Carvey

Kevin Nealon

Scott Wainio

Lorne Michaels
Genetically Created CandidateSummary: Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) and George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) produce a hybrid clone (Horatio Sanz) of themselves.

Recurring Characters: Al Gore, George W. Bush, President Bill Clinton.

Montage

Heather Graham’s MonologueSummary: The male cast members line up to hit on Heather Graham.

Transcript

Litter CrittersSummary: Kids are bored with their pet cat until they discover the fun of molding fun toys out of cat poop.

Transcript

The ZimmermansSummary: Josh (Chris Kattan) and Laura (Cheri Oteri) Zimmerman seduce another couple Heather Graham, Will Ferrell) on an airplane.

Recurring Characters: Josh Zimmerman, Laura Zimmerman.

Transcript

The Ladies’ ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) and Rollergirl (Heather Graham) review sexy movies together.

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

Transcript

Where Are They Now?Summary: Hans (Kevin Nealon) and Franz (Dana Carvey) are reunited after spending many years apart.

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.

Note: This was scheduled to air during the 25th Anniversary special three weeks earlier, but had to be cut because the festivities were running long.

NetAidRecurring Characters: Lynda Lopez, Jewel, David Bowie, Bono, Busta Rhymes

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: During “Update Forum”, Colin Quinn viciously debates a six-year old on the education crisis in America. Howatio Sanz comments on the recent Latin explosion in pop music and entertainment.

Transcript

Marc Anthony performs “I Need To Know”

Dog ShowRecurring Characters: David Larry, Miss Colleen.

No Blair Witch ParodySummary: Despite repeated promises not to do so, Lorne Michaels produces a “Blair Witch” parody.

Marc Anthony performs “That’s Okay”

Three-Way CoupleSummary: After a failed three-way with the family babysitter (Heather Graham), warren (Chris Parnell) and Fran Kirney (Ana Gasteyer) discuss the aftermath of their experience.

Recurring Characters: Warren Kirney, Fran Kirney.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 2

99b: Heather Graham / Marc Anthony

The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Roller Girl…..Heather Graham

Announcer: Oh yeah… It’s time for the Ladies’ Man.

Leon Phelps: Yeah what’s hapnin’ and welcome to “TheLadies’ Man,” the love line with all the rightresponses to your romantic queries. I’m Leon Phelps,and how you all doing tonight? Hm? (Crowd applauses)Yeah? Well that’s good! I’m doing really good, ’causeI got my Covosseir right here, hahaha! And tonight, Iwanna talk about the movies. Now, I don’t mean the bighollywood blockbusters, with their cheap laughs andcar crashes. No, I mean the sophisticated andintelligent films. Good old fashoined ones, withladies wearing no underpants. That’s right, it’s timeonce again for… “The Ladies’ Man’s wonderful worldof adult and erotic cinema!” I’m talking about pornos!Yeah, that was cool. Tonight, I will be joined by avery special celebrity guest critic, you problablyknow her from her work in the classic 1976 film,”Skanks on Skates.” Please welcome adult cinima star,Roller Girl!

Roller Girl: Hi!

Leon Phelps: Have a seat! It is so nice to have youhere.

Roller Girl: It’s my pleasure, Leon.

Leon Phelps: Yes, now tell us why you’re tonight’sguest critic.

Roller Girl: Well, ’cause last night you told me if Ihad sex with you, then you’d put me on the show.

Leon Phelps: Shyeaahhaha…. Aaand?

Roller Girl: Oh yeah, well tonight on the show, we’llbe looking at 4 classic adult films newly released onvideo, from my favorite era, the 70’s.

Leon Phelps: Yeah that’s right. Now our first film, inthe 1977 release, is called “Officer and theGenitalman”.

Roller Girl: IT stars Candy Buttsome, Fifi Latoosh,and Barney Penis.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, well Barney Penis is not a veryinventive porn name, but he is a terrrific actor,which is why I really wanted to like this movie more.But the continuity was bad, and so distracting, and ittook away from a very promising storyline about anofficer’s genitals.

Roller Girl: Well Leon, I liked it. It had a classicsoundtrack, some inventie camerawork, and a whole lotof doggystyle!

Leon Phelps: Haha, yeah, well… there’s such a thingas too much doggystyle… Wait a minute, what did Ijust say!? That is absolutley crazy, you’re rightRoller Girl, this is a great film!

Roller Girl: And now our next film is a gripping dramaabout crooked cops on the take, and the one man on theforce willing to stand up to them. Plus, they humpalot.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, that’s right. It’s called “The ModSquat”.

Roller Girl: Now I for one loved this movie, but i betyou didn’t like it, Leon.

Leon Phelps: On contrare, bonjour! I loved this movie!And strangley enough, it was because of thenon-pornographic moments, like in this clip here.

Roller Girl: Let’s take a look.

(The screen shows a naked woman, and 2 men, whileanother woman brings a cup of wine in. Classic 70porno music is playing. The clip lasts about 3seconds.)

Leon Phelps: Yeah, well that was the longestnon-pornographic moment in the film, so… But rightafter that part, the Mod Squat got into some serioussquattin’, so…

Roller Girl: Yeah, I didn’t see what you meant. Thatscene was very dramatic and well acted. Now our nextmovie is a bit of an odd choice, I don’t think it’s anadult film! It stars Bill Murray, and it’s called”Meatballs”. Did you pick this one Leon?

Leon Phelps: Yes, I did. Uhh, you see when I firstrented it, I thought it was an adult film. I mean itis called “Meatballs”. You know? But then I watchedit, and this is one of the funniest movies ever made!I serious! If you like to laugh, do yourself a favor,and rent “Meatballs”. Okay Roller Girl, our last filmis very special for me, because you are in it. It iscalled “Space Knockers”.

Roller Girl: That’s right Leon. In it, I playedPrincess Lebia from the planet Boobula. I am sent toearth to have sex with every man.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, this film is a lost gem, I simplyloved it! Especially your famous monologue, in whichyou say goodbye to every man on the planet Earth.

Roller Girl: Well alot of people ask me to do thatspeech.

Leon Phelps: Well it’s some of the best writting I’veever seen. Would you please do us a favor and do ittonight? Please? Please? (She readies her helmet) Thisis gonna be good!

Roller Girl: (Sad piano tune starts playing) People of the Earth, when I was transmorted from the planet Boobula to your magnificent blue ball, my intentions were pureley erotic. WHen I first arrived, I *came* in peace. Now, with the help of you, Mr. President, and you, the pool cleaner, and you the field hockey team, I have enough sexual energy to orgasmiganicaly transmortify my way back to Boobula. I will miss you earthlings, I will miss your dongs. Good bye!

Leon Phelps: (Crying) Yeah that was great..! It’s justthat every time I hear that speech, I just think, whycouldn’t she stay? Why did she have to go back toBoobula?

Roller Girl: Well that’s okay, I come back 9 more times!

Leon Phelps: Yeah, I know, I was in 3 of those movies!Well anyways, we are out of time here. Thank you forbeing here Roller Girl it’s a pleasure. And we’ll seeyou next time on “The Ladies’ Man!”

Submitted by: Lonnie Fukuda

SNL Transcripts