[ the kids run through the house as Mom, on hands and knees, picks upafter the family cat ]
Mom: You kids begged me for a cat, and now you won’tclean after it!
Announcer: You can relax now, Mom, ’cause Litter Critters are here!
Jingle: “ When you hear a scratch, Here comes a patch, It’s time for Litter Critters!“
Announcer: The creativity kit for kids that turns every surpriseyour cat leaves you into a fun-packed figurine! First, remove the fecalwaste and surrounding litter from the litter box, fill th sturdy polythyrenemold, press, and you’ve got a fresh new Litter Critter pal in less than aminute.
Little Girl: [ holding Litter Critter horsie ] I love you, LitterCritter! [ kisses it ]
Little Boy: [ holding a Litter Critter dinosaur ] Hey, I made aTyranasaurus Rex!
Announcer: And when Litter Critters start to deteriorate and crumble,there’s plenty more where that came from! And Litter Critters are greatfor parties.
Little Girl: Look, Mommy.. my very own squirrel!
Dad: [ sniffing the air ] What’s that smell?
Mom: It’s the smell of fun, Honey.
Second Little Girl: Mommy made me a whistle! [ blows it ]
Jingle: “ When you hear a scratch, Here comes a patch, It’s time for Litter Critters!“
Kids: [ eyes open wide ] A pinata!
[ the kids beat on a Litter Critter pinata filled with candy ]
Announcer: Turn your litterbox into a toy box, with LitterCritters! Pinata mold and candy not included.
…..Heather Graham …..Tim Meadows …..Will Ferrell …..Chris Parnell
Heather Graham: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! Okay! Well, I’m really excited to be here! I’ve mostly done movies, so live TV is kind of new, but after doing Bogey Nights I feel I’ve seen everything. So I’m here, and I’m going to try my best . . .
Tim Meadows: Excuse me, Heather, uh . . .
Heather Graham: Hey, Tim!
Tim Meadows: Hi!
Heather Graham: Hi!
Tim Meadows: Heather, can I tell you something? Yeah, you know, you look, uh – you seem a little tense.
Heather Graham: Really?
Tim Meadows: Yeah, yeah.
Heather Graham: Well, actually, I’m not that tense. I mean, I have done nude scenes before.
Tim Meadows: Yeah, I know. But don’t worry, everybody gets a little nervous.
Heather Graham: Tim, I’m not really – Tim Meadows: [Tim shushes her a few times, while staring at her breasts.] Don’t be so hard on yourself there. They’re looking great.
Heather Graham: WHAT?
Tim Meadows: I mean, you’re doing great. You know, you just need to relax, that’s all. You know, I’ve been on this show for eight years and every time I need to relax before a show, there’s a special place I like to go. Come on, I’ll show you.
Heather Graham: All right, well, if you think it’ll help!
Tim Meadows: [He leads her off the stage behind a sort of wall-type thing, with a door in front.] Yeah, yeah, come on, I guarantee you, it will help . . . Right this way. Okay, let me show you how to relax the Tim Meadows way. [The two are behind the wall.]
Heather Graham: What are you doing with your pants?
Tim Meadows: Oh, God . . .
Heather Graham: [Running out from behind the wall.] Okay, you know what?
Tim Meadows: What? [He runs out, fumbling with his pants zipper.]
Heather Graham: Um, thanks but no thanks.
Tim Meadows: [nervously] What? I thought you wanted to relax!
Heather Graham: Tim, I have a boyfriend!
Tim Meadows: Oh, that’s okay! I’m bisexual!
[Will Ferrell enters.]
Will Ferrell: Is Tim bothering you, Heather?
Tim Meadows: Hi Will. Sorry. [Runs off the set.]
Heather Graham: Do you know what he was doing back there?
Will Ferrell: Yeah, he’s got a bit of a problem, but everything’s going to be okay now.
Heather Graham: Okay, great. Well, thanks, I’m just gonna get on with it, you know . . .
Will Ferrell: Sure. Tim was right about one thing: you seem a little tense.
Heather Graham: Really!Will Ferrell: Yeah, just take a deep breath and relax and you’ll get through it.
Heather Graham: Thanks, Will!
Will Ferrell: Try stretching a little bit, you know? Try touching your elbows behind your back. Yeah.
[As Heather stretches her elbows behind her back, Will arches his neck to look at her chest.]
Will Ferrell: Good, good. Now reach, reach for the stars! Yeah, that’s good. See, I usually feel it right here. [He puts his hands right by her breasts.] Right here. That’s where I hold a lot of my tension. [He grabs Heather’s breasts.] Right about here.
Heather Graham: [Shoves Will’s hands away.] Thanks, Will, but I feel relaxed now, okay?
Will Ferrell: All right, if that’s the way you . . . Oh! Did anyone tell you that there’s a phone call back there for you?
Heather Graham: Oh, really, right now?
Will Ferrell: Yeah, yeah. It’s really important. Come on, it’s just . . .
Heather Graham: Well, don’t you think I should get it during a commercial?
Will Ferrell: It won’t take a long time. Watch your step. It’s just right here and . . . [He brings her up to that door on the back of the set with the 30 on it.]
Heather Graham: Wow, it’s really dark back here!
Will Ferrell: Here, here’s the phone!
Heather Graham: Oh my God. That’s the phone?
Will Ferrell: Yeah, but it’s for you!
Heather Graham: You know, I really didn’t need to see that.
[Chris Parnell enters, holding a large wrapped box.]
Chris Parnell: Hey, Heather, how’s it going?
Heather Graham: Oh, you know, it’s fine. You know, Chris, I don’t need anyone else to help me with my nervousness, okay?
Chris Parnell: I didn’t think you did. I just brought you this gift because I really admire you and your work.
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Hi! I’m Colin Quinn, here are today’s top stories.
Following a military coup in Pakistan Tuesday, the global community is now faced with an increasingly unstable relationship between two nuclear powers: Pakistan and its neighbor, India. In the event of a nuclear conflict, experts envision a destroyed infrastructure, political chaos, and millions starving. In other words, nuclear war could set those countries back months.
Irish-Americans were stunned and outraged last week when President Clinton compared the Northern Ireland peace talks to the bickering of saloon drunks….If you’re as upset as I am…about the President’s perpetuation of the myth of drunken, bloated Irishmen, then write to your senator! [photos of Ted Kennedy and Patrick Leahy; cheers and applause]
Texas governor George W. Bush’s campaign for president continues to pick up steam. Last week, in fact, President Clinton said that Bush reminded him of himself. Marking the most blatant case of negative campaigning in political history.
Vice President Al Gore’s campaign received a boost this week with an endorsement from the AFL-CIO. However, the endorsement did not include the United Auto Workers, who pointed out that in their industry, they’ve always fought against man being replaced by machines….I do not intend to stop now.
Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous have recently updated their questionnaire that helps people determine if they have a substance abuse problem. Questions range from the standard “Have you ever missed work due to drugs or alcohol?” to a newer, more specific “Have you ever been so wasted, O.J. had to call 9-1-1 on you?” [some applause]
Monica Lewinsky’s father, Bernard Lewinsky, is demanding an apology from NBC after a “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit” episode referred to oral sex as “getting a Lewinsky.”…In a letter to NBC, Mr. Lewinsky said it was an outrage and demanded that the reference never be heard again. NBC lawyers responded that he can “go George Michael himself.” [cheers and applause]
Here in New York…here in New York, Italian-Americans celebrated Columbus Day last week with the traditional parade down 5th Avenue. The event was unfortunately marred by the usual unpleasantness — every few feet, one of the marchers would stop, glare at the crowd and say, “What are you lookin’ at?” [some applause]
Last week, ten states approved a referendum that bases teacher salaries on student achievement. Is this a solution to the education crisis in this country? Is there an education crisis? These questions and more on tonight’s “Update Forum.” Joining me tonight is someone who is affected directly by this measure: six-year-old Jasmine.
[pan over to Jasmine]
Jasmine, your thoughts on this?
Jasmine: I like my teacher. I think she should get paid well.
Colin: Hah, hold on a second, please. N – n – no one asked you your feelings about your teacher. Do you think that a teaching system based on incentives is beneficial or harmful?
Jasmine: I don’t know.
Colin: [becomes increasingly intimidating] You don’t know. [chuckles to himself] You don’t know what you think?
Jasmine: Well, I don’t think my teacher should lose money. She’s nice.
Colin: Ho – ho – ho! And what do you base this opinion on, [leans closer to Jasmine] research? Statistics? This is “Update Forum,” Jasmine! You came on here to debate!
Jasmine: I, um–
Colin: [mimicking Jasmine] I, um, I— you didn’t have an opinion on this? I am a fully grown and sophisticated adult! I have opinions about politics, religion, the Internet; you only know about Happy Meals and gum!
Jasmine: I’m sorry! But I’m nervous to be on TV.
Colin: Oh-h-h! But you wanted to be on, didn’t you? After all, you didn’t have to say “yes” to be on! But your naked ambition came through! You’re a little manipulator, Jasmine, yes you are, a little con artist!
Jasmine: You’re scaring me!
Colin: Don’t play games with me! I have a driver’s license! [sits upright]…You know what I think? I don’t think you even wanted to be on TV! But you wanted to be a good little girl! And you thought that if you did good on TV, it would keep Mommy and Daddy together. Instead [some groans]…y– [reacting to audience] oh-h! [leans closer to Jasmine] You messed up! You failed! So Mommy and Daddy are gonna break up! And the main reason is, their marriage couldn’t work because you never went to bed on time! Yeah! It’s your fault! And the only other person that has any meaning in your life, your teacher, is gonna get fired and then it’s just you, baby! And ten years from now, all anybody will remember about this debate is who won! I won this debate, didn’t I?
[returns to normal] Well, this has been the “Update Forum.” [cheers and applause] My guest tonight was Jasmine….Thank you, Jasmine, hope to see you again sometime.
Jasmine: Bye!
[Colin playfully laughs and tickles Jasmine; Jasmine laughs, then Colin grabs her hand and lets her go]
Colin: Oh!…Huh!
Pat Buchanan has begun notifying supporters that he will make a major speech on October 25th, in which he is expected to announce that he will leave the Republican Party and seek the Reform Party nomination. But insiders are not ruling out the possibility that he’s simply to announce that he’s gonna invade Poland. [scattered applause]
In science news, paleontologists recently discovered the fossil remains of a fierce turkey-sized animal with sharp claws and teeth. That may have been the first flying feathered dinosaur, a missing link to today’s birds. And according to Strom Thurmond, it tastes like chicken. [some applause]
Anne…Anne Heche….Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres announced last week that they would like to get married in Vermont, if the state would legalize same-sex marriages. Until that time, the couple said they are keeping their fingers crossed, which has enhanced their sex life. [strong reaction]…It doesn’t even…make sense, really, but…something about it! Just thought I’d let…
A recent analysis of government data revealed that four of New York City’s five boroughs are among the top ten counties in America with the highest concentrations of cancer-causing toxins in the air. Take that, New Jersey!
Potential New York Senate candidate Hillary Clinton decided last week not to attend the Mets’ or Yankees’ ongoing league playoffs, but said she would go to the World Series. When asked which team she would root for if both New York squads made it that far, she replied, “Which one has more Jews?” [mixed reaction]
In a recent interview, supermodel Cindy Crawford revealed that whenever she needs to strike a pose with a sexy look on her face, she imagines a secret, private image. [photo of Colin Quinn] Baby! [some applause]…Don’t tell everybody. It’s bad for him to spread it around.
French chefs protesting high taxes last week pelted Paris riot police with eggs. Police retaliated by pouring ketchup all over the eggs. [scattered applause]
Back in New York, leaders of the Ku Klux Klan said they would sue city officials after being denied a permit to hold a white pride rally there. Come on, we already have 41 white pride gatherings every year at the Garden. [photo of three New York Rangers hockey players]…Need one more?
Bill and Hillary Clinton spent last Monday together at Camp David, celebrating their 24th wedding anniversary. I think it’s great to see after all they’ve been through, they still have a sense of humor. [applause]…No word…no word as of yet on what gifts the couple exchanged, but it’s a good bet he did not receive a Lewinsky. [cheers and applause]
And now, here to talk about this year’s Latin explosion in pop music is our very own Horatio Sanz!
[pan over to Horatio]
Horatio Sanz: Thank you. [Colin chuckles] Yeah. [chuckles] And thank you, Colin. [Colin chuckles] Now, for months now, everyone’s been talkin’ about the Latin explosion. Now, granted, some Latin musicians had really big hits this summer, like Ricky Martin, Jennifer Lopez, and Marc Anthony. [cheers]…Yes. Give it up for Marc Anthony — who is here tonight. God bless. [cheers and some applause]…But Colin, that’s only three people. Uh, is that really an explosion?…I…I mean, th – there’s five guys in Smash Mouth. Alone! I mean, is that, like, a white dude explosion?…Oh, and Matchbox 20, Third Eye Blind, and Offspring were all in the Top 20. No one called it a jackass explosion. [mixed reaction]…But – but more important, Colin, why is the Latin explosion just music? Let’s branch out tonight. I’d like to announce the start of the Latin comedy explosion. [cheers] Yeah!…A-and…to kick it off, I’m going to perform some of the traditional Latin comedy I grew up with….The kind you might see on Telemundo. And, Colin’s gonna help me out.
[Upbeat Latin music begins playing. Colin puts on a fake handlebar mustache and Spanish hat and gets a small bowl and spoon, while Horatio puts on a sailor’s hat with red hair both sides. Some applause before the skit begins.]
[Colin and Horatio speak Spanish; English subtitles appear throughout the skit. Horatio speaks in a loud, high-pitched voice.]
¡Yo quiero helado tamarindo! (Please can I have some ice cream?)
Colin:¡No helado para tí, niño! (No! No ice cream for you, little boy.) [slaps Horatio’s hand]
Horatio:¡Ay!
Colin:¡No! [slaps Horatio’s hand]
Horatio:¡Ay! [Colin slaps his hand]
¡Pero me gusto tamarindo, Tío Colin! (But I want some ice cream, uncle.)
Colin:No, tú eres un niño muy malo. (No, you are a bad boy.)
Horatio:¡Waaaaaa! (Waaaaaa!)
Colin:¡Ave María! Siempre quieres tamarindo. Okay, come el helado. (Holey moley! Always wanting ice cream. Okay, have some. You’re a nice boy.) [gives Horatio the bowl and spoon]
Horatio:¡Qué bueno!…[tastes the “ice cream”] ¡Tamarindooooo! (Hooray! Hooray! I like ice cream!) [end of skit]
[cheers and applause as Colin and Horatio stand up and take some bows, then sit back down]
Colin: Latin comedy explosion, Horatio Sanz, everybody!
Me llamo Colin Quinn, esa es mi historia y me quedo con ella. (I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.)
Laura Zimmerman…..Cheri Oteri Josh Zimmerman…..Chris Kattan Heather…..Heather Graham Will…..Will Ferrell Flight Attendant…..Chris Parnell
[ Establishing shot of an airport. Open to inside an airplane. Will and Heather sit next to each other in their seats as Josh and Laura enter, carrying bags and looking at their ticket. They get to Will and Heather and look at the seat numbers. ]
Laura: [ pointing out the numbers ] Oh honey.
Josh: Oh. I’m sorry, I think you guys are in our seats. Is this A and B?
Laura: Yeah.
Heather: Oh, we thought this was C and D.
Will: Sorry about that.
Josh: That’s alright. It’s Ok, don’t worry about it. It’s not big deal. It’s just, you know, my wife is really particular about her seat. So…
Laura: Ooo! You’re pretty particular about my seat, too.
Josh: You’ve got the best seat in the house.
Laura: [ grinds her hips into him ] Ohh, this seat?
Josh: Yeah, this seat.
Laura: That seat?
Josh: Yeah, this seat.
Laura: Is this the seat you’re talking about?
Josh: That’s the seat I’m talking about.
Laura: Is this the seat?
Flight Attendant: [ breaking in between them ] Speaking of seats, can I ask you folks to take yours?
[ The Zimmermans take their seats ]
Josh: Oh, sure. Don’t worry about it.
Flight Attendant: Hi, I’m Bruce Gaylord, your flight attendant.
Laura: Hi, Bruce!
Flight Attendant: And can I please ask you to store your carry on luggage securely beneath your seat or above you in the overhead compartment?
Laura: Oh, Ok sure. [ to Josh ] I’ll get it.
Josh: Honey, I can get it.
Laura: Sit down, I can handle it.
Josh: You sure?
Laura: Yeah.
Josh: Alright.
[ Laura stands over him, struggling with the bag ]
Flight Attendant: [ stepping in and grabbing the bag ] Why don’t I just stow this fat thing right back here?
Josh: Oh thank you, thank you very much! He’s very sweet!
Laura: Yeah, he’s nice. I like him. I’m going to write a letter!
[ they take their seat ]
Heather: Are…are you guys newlyweds?
Laura: Oh no, we’re just an old married couple.
Captain: [ over intercom ] And, flight attendants please prepare for take-off.
Heather: Honey, how come we never act like that anymore?
Will: [ pointing to headphones ] I’m listening to jazz on 4!
Heather: Hey, how ’bout you try to fit your bag into my compartment?! [ grinding her hips ]
Will: Uh, my bag? What do you mean, I checked it.
Heather: Oh yeah? Well, where’d you check it?
Will: Uhh, at the ticket counter. You were there.
Heather: [ drops hands in defeat, grabs a magazine ] Never mind. Forget it!
Flight Attendant: [ over intercom ] Please note, the captain has turned on the “Fasten Seatbelt” sign. We might be experiencing some slight turbulance up ahead.
Laura: [ searches for seat belt under blanket ] Honey.
Josh: What?
Laura: I can’t find my seat belt. I think it’s stuck.
Josh: Oh, there it is. It’s all twisted. I’ll get it. [ puts his head under the blanket ]
Laura: Just play with it. Ok? Just play with it and then pull it out.
Josh: It’s Ok, I’ll pull it out.
Laura: Ok? You’re playing?
Josh: It’s Ok, I got it.
Laura: And when you pull it out I want you to buckle me.
Josh: [ bringing his head up ] You want me to buckle you?
Laura: [ grabbing his hair through clenched teeth ] I said buckle me. Now get down there and buckle me!
[ She shoves his head back under the blanket as Heather watches on with a big smile ]
Josh: Ok, I’ll play with it Honey!
Laura: [ yelling louder and louder ] Ok, now make it tight for Mama! Mama wants it tight!
Josh: Mama wants it tight?
Laura: Mama wants it tight!
Josh: You want it tight?
Laura: [ grabbing onto the arm rests and thrusting her hips ] Alright, that’s it! Work it, Daddy!
Josh: Daddy’s working!
Laura: Work it, Daddy!
Josh: Daddy’s working!
Laura: [ yelling with Josh ] Work it, Daddy! Work it, Daddy! Work it, Daddy! Ok! You got it!
Josh: [ calm again ] It took a long time.
Laura: Sorry!
[ Heather watches them, biting her lip. She grabs her bag peanuts and scatters them to the floor ]
Heather: Oh darn, I’m so clumsy! Honey?
Will: Hey, old Cosby stand-up on 5! Chickenheart! Very funny!
Heather: Look I, uhh, I dropped my peanuts.
Will: Oh. So…so pick them up.
Heather: I want you to get down on all fours and, like, pick them up for me!
Will: [ shrugs ] Alright. [ kneels to the floor ]
Heather: [ throwing a blanket over his head and grinding her hips ] Go on, look for those peanuts! Look hard for Mama! That’s it!
Will: Uhh, hey what’s with the blanket? Is there a reason for the…
Heather: I want you to get down there until you get every single one!
Will: We…we can get another bag of peanuts. It’s not a problem. It’s very dirty down here. [ lifts his head ]
Heather: [ shoving his head down and grinding harder ] I want you to get down on that floor and get those peanuts for Mama!
Will: Ow, my hair! We can get a bag of peanuts! It’s not a problem!
Heather: [ slapping her thighs in frustration ] You’re pathetic! [ stands and storms to the back ]
Will: [ starts to chase her] Honey, what did I… [ sits back down, confused ]
Captain: [ over intercom ] And now I’d like you to sit back and enjoy our in-flight feature film, “Simon Birch”.
Laura: Oh, I love “Simon Birch”. It’s the little kid with the glasses. I’m going to get my, uhh, my neck pillow.
Josh: Well Honey, be careful. There’s turbulance.
Laura: It’s ok, Honey, I’ll be fine. Don’t’ worry about me.
[ Suddenly the plane shakes, sending Laura into Will’s lap ]
Laura: Oh God!
Josh: Honey!
Laura: Oh, I’m so sorry!
Will: Are you alright?
Laura: Yes, yes, I’m fine.
[ Heather comes back and sees Laura in Will’s lap ]
Heather: Oh, so now you’re Mile-High Club Man.
Laura: Oh, no, it was just the turbulance. I just fell…
Heather: Oh really? [ fake stumbles ] Oh! Turbulance! [ falls into Josh’s lap ]
Laura: Oh yeah? Uh-oh, what just happened?! Uh-oh! [ jumps up and falls into Will’s lap, ass in the air ]
Heather: Oh you know, this turbulance is making me really hot! [ rips open Josh’s shirt ]
Josh: Oh, Ok! That’s enough! Thank you!
Laura: [ standing ] You like a…bumpy ride, bitch?
Heather: [ standing to face her ] Yeah, I like a bumpy ride. [ slaps her on the ass ]
Laura: [ grabs her hair ] Oh, I like a bumpy ride too. [ slaps her on the ass ]
[ The two ladies continue to slap and pull on each other as they stand off. Eventually, Josh stands up ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 23rd, 1999 Norm MacDonald Dr. Dre Snoop Dogg Eminem None Giuliani’s World Series BetsSummary: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani (Darrell Hammond) announces the high-stakes bets he made with the mayor of Atlanta. Recurring Characters: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. Transcript
Montage
Norm MacDonald’s MonologueSummary: Suddenly popular Norm Macdonald lets the audience know that he’s not funnier, it’s just that SNL has gotten worse. Transcript
Martha Stewart: The CommoditySummary: Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer) announces that she’s living it up ever since her IPO became a stock market success. Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart. Transcript
Great Moments in Yankee HistorySummary: Sarcastic Lou Gehrig (MacDonald) insists that he’s actually the unluckiest man on the face of the earth. Transcript
Celebrity Jeopardy!Summary: Bert Reynolds, AKA Turd Ferguson (Macdonald), returns for more hijinks on Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell), and Sean connery (Darrell Hammond) and French Stewart (Jimmy Fallon) are also admirable foes of the long-suffering “Jeopardy” host. Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, Burt Reynolds, French Stewart. Transcript
CrosstalkSummary: David Gregory (Chris Parnell) covers the subject of “How Thin Is Too Thin?” Recurring Characters: Calista Flockhart. Transcript
Larry King’s News & Views ISummary: Larry King (Norm MacDonald) is back with more News & Views. Recurring Characters: Larry King. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: Charleton Heston and the NRA.
Larry King’s News & Views IISummary: Still more News & Views from Larry King (Norm MacDonald). Recurring Characters: Larry King. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Millennium highlights focus on events that never happened. Marla Maples (Cheri Oteri) regrets the mistake of turning 26, thus ending her sexual exploit potential. Recurring Characters: Marla Maples. Transcript
Dr. Dre & Snoop Dogg perform “Still D.R.E.”Also Appeared: 96d.
Tooth BrushersSummary: A dentist (Norm MacDonald) and his wife (Cheri Oteri) argue while distributing candy on their doorstep.
Michael Jackson In A BarSummary: Michael Jackson (Tim Meadows) tells his woes to his bartender (Norm MacDonald). Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson.
Dr. Dre & Eminem perform “Forgot About Dre”
Inside The Actors StudioSummary: Clint Eastwood (Norm MacDonald) gives James Lipton (Will Ferrell) a hard time during their interview. Recurring Characters: James Lipton. Transcript
Chess For GirlsSummary: Because Chess is traditionally a boring boys’ game, Mattel has femmed it up for the opposite sex with dolls, dresses, and bubbles. Note: Repeat from 12/06/97.
David Gregory…..Chris Parnell Jennifer Lewis…..Cheri Oteri Helen Gurley-Brown…..Ana Gasteyer Calista Flockhart…..Rachel Dratch Sarah from Illinois (on phone)…..Paula Pell
David Gregory: Good afternoon, welcome to “Crosstalk”, I’m David Gregory. Today’s topic jumps right off the cover of People magazine: How Thin is Too Thin? Are Hollywood’s leading ladies shrinking themselves down to a ridiculously unhealthy weight? Joining us from the Big and Beautiful Modeling Agency is plus-sized model and author, Jennifer Lewis. Jennifer, are these actresses too thin?
Jennifer Lewis: David, they are far too thin. Now, in my book, Shiny Hair, Pretty Eyes: Story of a Fat Girl, I talk about the dangers of glamourizing eating disorders. You see, I was a traditional model for years, and I was anorexic the whole time, David. It’s only after much therapy that I was able to eat again and maintain a healthy self-image.
David Gregory: It’s hard to imagine that you were once anorexic, Jennifer, because you’re so womanly now.
Jennifer Lewis: Thank you.
David Gregory: Such a full figure..
Jennifer Lewis: Thank you.
David Gregory: Compared to these actresses, you’re almost chubby..
Jennifer Lewis: Okay! Thanks! Now as I said, I am a plus sized model..
David Gregory: Yeah, you keep saying that. Now, what do you model? Is it like ponchos and shoes and berets?
Jennifer Lewis: Yes!
David Gregory: Alright. Also joining us, is former editor of Cosmopolitan magazine, Helen Gurley-Brown.
Helen Gurley-Brown: Thank you for having me, David. I just want to say that I don’t know what all the hubbub is. These girls look beautiful. I think we should embrace women of all types – thin women, slender women, tiny women, narrow women, svelte women.. there’s room for all of us on God’s green earth.
David Gregory: Well, amen to that. But, Helen, some people say that pictures in fashion magazines like Cosmo set up unrealistic expectations for young girls, and that leads to disorders.
Helen Gurley-Brown: Listen, I read Architectural Digest. It doesn’t make me want to be an office building. David, I’m 77 and I weigh 50 pounds. And I love food. I love to engage in sensous meals. For lunch today, I had a scallop and a packet of Sweet & Low. It was decadent.
Jennifer Lewis: [ shaking head ] No. No, see, that amount of food is not enough to sustain a healthy active woman. I mean, if you look at my book, David, you’ll see pictures of me at the height of my disorder. See, I was miserable. I was 85 pounds..
David Gregory: [ looking at book, purrs like a cat ] I’ll take it!
Jennifer Lewis: My hair was falling out..
David Gregory: Wow, these are some great shots. Who took them?
Jennifer Lewis: [ angry ] A nurse took them!
David Gregory: Wow.. well, they’re great. You know, if you airbrush out that IV, you could put post these on the Internet.
Jennifer Lewis: No, that’s not right!
David Gregory: Sure. These fragile, waifish, women are sexy. Extremely sexy. Like hot, wet, baby bird sexy. But are they healthy? Joining us now, from her set in Los Angeles, is a woman who’s been at the center of this controversy. Star of Fox’s “Ally McBeal”, Calista Flockhart. Calista, thank you for being with us today.
Calista Flockhart: You’re welcome, David.
David Gregory: Calista, how do you feel about all of this negative publicity?
Calista Flockhart: What I don’t understand is, why can’t a woman shed her baby fat without everyone thinking she’s starving herself to conform to some media-generated Hollywood aesthetic? I don’t have a problem with food. I’m just too busy to eat.
David Gregory: Okay, but does your gorgeous, perfect body put unnecessary pressure on fat young women like Jennifer?
Calista Flockhart: Women put pressure on themselves! I want a career and a husband and children, and I want passionate sex! And I want to be small enough to sleep in an envelope. I’m not asking for too much. I think I’m asking for just right.
David Gregory: Damn, you are a hottie. You make me feel big. [ catches his breath ] We have a call now from Sarah in Illinois. Sarah?
Sarah in Illinois (on phone): Hi. I just wanted to say that these women look sick. I want to know why you women do this to your bodies? But, more importantly, I want to know how you do it. Is there a specific diet, or a book I can read? What’s your secret?
Jennifer Lewis: It’s no mystery, Sarah. These ladies starve themselves.
David Gregory: Okay, I’m gonna interrupt you there, Jennifer, because I think you might be jealous, because maybe deep down, you’re fat. Helen, quickly, what’s your secret to staying thin and beautiful?
Helen Gurley-Brown: Well, actually David, I died six months ago. I’m finally at the weight I’ve always dreamed of. It’s luxurious.
David Gregory: Well, I think I’m in love. Let’s take a quick break!
James Lipton…..Will Ferrell Clint Eastwood…..Norm MacDonald
James Lipton: Every once in a while, an actor graces the stage, who’s truly an icon of the American cinema. One such actor is with us today. Please join me in welcoming Mr. Clint Eastwood. [ Clint takes the stage ] Actor. Director. Writer. Producer, Composer, Mayor. Which hat fits best?
Clint Eastwood: Well, I’m really not much of a hat person, but I guess I’d have to say that of a director. During the filming of “The Unforgiven”, why I..
James Lipton: [ interrupting ] Clint, you grew up.. in Depression-era California, where your parents were iterrant worker After high school, he worked as a lumberjack, played honky-tonk piano, and was a swimming instructor in the U.S. Army. How did this shape you as an actor?
Clint Eastwood: Well, uh, I believe the army gave me discipline as an actor. Now, when you’re out in the field..
James Lipton: [ interrupting ] In 1966.. a film was released, here in America, that would change your life: “Il Buono, Il Brutto, Il Cattivo” Or, as American audiences would come to know it – “The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly”. Which, if you haven’t seen.. [ whispers ] ..marvelous! A film that in most people’s minds says, “This.. is.. Clint Eastwood.
Clint Eastwood: Well.. uh.. that’s an interesting story. Now, I’ve got a.. I’ve got an interesting story for you, Lipton.
James Lipton: I’m sure our students would love to hear it.
Clint Eastwood: Well.. it’s about a fella with a.. neatly-trimmed beard. A fella, not unlike yourself. Well, this fella.. he liked pokin’ his nose where it didn’t rightly belong. Well, that fella woke up one morning and he noticed that his face was a little sore. That’s because while he was sleepin’, why someone had kicked most of his teeth in. Now, what do you make o’ that story?
James Lipton: [ laughs ] Delightful! [ grabs his next card ] Every once in a while, an actor creates a role that touches us in such a way, God himself says, “Bravo!” That role, for me, was that of Hogan in “Two Mules for Sister Sara”. In my opinion, one of the greatest roles ever to be captured on film.
Clint Eastwood: Well, that’s a hell of an opinion, and I’ve got an opinion of my own. You really like the sound o’ your own voice, don’t ya?
James Lipton: A reference to me. And now it’s time for the dreaded questions. [ giggles ] Let’s start with: What is your least favorite word?
Clint Eastwood: Neatly-trimmed beard.
James Lipton: What’s your favorite curse word?
Clint Eastwood: Well that’d have to be you.
James Lipton: And, finally, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?
Clint Eastwood: Well, I’d like to hear him say, as he doffed his cap to me, “Well, Clint, James Lipton is in Hell right now, being raped by the Devil.” I believe that would hit my ear just fine.
James Lipton: Clint Eastwood, on behalf of the Actor’s Studio, and the students before us, I thank you. Any final words?
Clint Eastwood: Well, Sir.. I have met some goddamned dirty sons of bitches in my time, and I have met some dirty goddamned sons of bitches. But, you Sir, are, without a doubt, the goddamnedest dirtiest son of a bitch I have ever met.
James Lipton: Eloquently put! Ladies and gentlemen, Clint Eastwood. [ fade to black ]
Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell French Stewart…..Jimmy Fallon Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. Before we begin the Double Jeopardyround, I’d like to ask our contestants once again to please refrain from usingethnic slurs. That said, let’s take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has seta new “Jeopardy” record with -$230,000.
Sean Connery: You think you’re pretty smart, don’t you, Trebek? What with your Diegomustache and your greasy hair!
Alex Trebek: Look, what did I just say about ethnic slurs? From “3rd Rock From theSun”, French Stewart in second place with -$17,000.
French Stewart: I’m a late bloomer, Alex, and in Double Jeopardy, I’m gonna bloom!
Alex Trebek: Sure you will. And finally, back again, Burt Reynolds in a commandinglead with $14.
Burt Reynolds: Hey. Hey, ah.. check out the podium. Look at this.
Alex Trebek: Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson.
Alex Trebek: Great. Let’s take a look at the final board. And the categories are:”Potent Potables”; “Sharp Things”; “Movies That Start with the Word Jaws”; “APetit Déjeuner” – that category is about French phrases, so let’s just skip it.
Burt Reynolds: Hey, uh, I speak a little French. You’re an assbite, pardon myFrench. [ does a quick laugh ]
French Stewart: My name’s French!
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, well, who gives a damn?
Alex Trebek: Moving on.. “Animal Sounds”; “Condiments”; and finally, “Your Ass or aHole in the Ground”. Mr. Reynolds, unfortunately you’re in the lead, so we’llstart with you.
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I’ll take the condom thing for, uh.. eight thou.
Alex Trebek: That’s “Condiments”. For $400. “This condiment is made frommustard seeds”. [ Stewart buzzes in ] French Stewart.
French Stewart: The answer, of course, is onions. I’ll take “Condiments” for $800, thank you.. [ buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: That’s not the right answer. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds: That’s not my name.
Alex Trebek: Okay. Turd Ferguson.
Burt Reynolds: [ laughs ] Yeah, what do ya want?
Alex Trebek: You buzzed in!
Burt Reynolds: No I didn’t.
Alex Trebek: Yes you did!
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, well, that’s your opinion.
Alex Trebek: I hate my job. The answer was “mustard”. Mustard is made from mustardseeds. Mr. Reynolds, it’s still your board.
Burt Reynolds: Yeah well, why don’t you give me, ah.. why don’tcha give me Ape Tit for $200.
Alex Trebek: It’s not “Ape Tit.” It’s A Petit.. [ shakes head ] ..never mind! Let’s justgo to “Animal Sounds” for $600. This is the sound a doggy makes. [ Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery.
Sean Connery: Moo. [ buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: No.
Sean Connery: Well, that’s the sound your mother made last night! [ laughs ]
Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s not necessary. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds: Who is, ah, Scooby Doo? [ buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: No.
Burt Reynolds: That was a funny dog, Scooby Doo. He drove around in a van and, ah,solved mysteries.
Alex Trebek: That is incorrect.
Burt Reynolds: No, that’s correct. I remember he had a pal, Scrappy Doo.
Alex Trebek: No. [ Stewart buzzes in ] French Stewart, the sound a dog makes.
French Stewart: Um.. [ breathes ] ..who is John Caffney and the Beaver Brown Band, thankyou very much, I’ll take Animal Sounds for $800 please.. [ buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: No! Good Lord! We would’ve accepted “bow-wow” or “ruff”!
Sean Connery: Ah, ruff. Just the way your mother likes it Trebek!
Alex Trebek: Come on, that’s way out of line, but.. [ Reynolds walks up to Trebek wearing a large hat ] Mr. Reynolds, what are you doing?
Burt Reynolds: Ha-ha! Yeah, I found this backstage, an over-sized hat. It’s funny.
Alex Trebek: No, it’s not!
Burt Reynolds: Sure it is. It’s funny. It’s funny because it’s ah, bigger than, ah.. [ clears throat ] ..you know, a normal hat.
Alex Trebek: Uh, I see that. Get back to your podium.
Burt Reynolds: [ laughs ] Take a look at that!
Alex Trebek: Yeah, I see it. Go back to your podium. [ Reynolds goes back to his podium ] It’s not funny. What’s going on? Okay, let’s just move on to FinalJeopardy. And the category is.. you know what? I tell you what, just write a number. Any number, any number and you win. [ music starts ] We’ll accept anynumber, any number at all.. a one, or a two, or a three, or how about a four? It’s that simple, I know you can do this. [ music ends ] Let’s start with FrenchStewart, who’s grinning like an idiot. You look pretty sure of yourself. Thinkyou’ve got the right answer?
French Stewart: Yes, I’m pretty sure of it, Alex.
Alex Trebek: Well, all you had to do was write down a number. And you wrote.. [ showsStewart’s screen ] ..Threeve. A combination of three and five. [ Stewart nods ] Simply stunning. And you wagered.. [ shows his wager ] ..Texas with a dollar signin front of it. I’m speechless.
French Stewart: No, I did not get the answer from anyone else, it all came from Mr.Stewart’s noggin.. [ points at his head ] ..up here.
Alex Trebek: That’s beautiful. Mr. Reynolds..
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, don’t bother, I didn’t write anything.
Alex Trebek: Good work, all right. Finally, Mr. Connery.. the category was Numbers,and you wrote.. [ shows his screen ] ..a letter V. Well, I tell you what, my friend -V is a Roman numeral, so despite your best efforts, you answered correctly. Let’s see what you wagered.. [ wager is revealed to use the V as part of a K in”Suck it Trebek” ] “Suck it Trebek”. [ Connery laughs wildly ] That’s all the timewe have. Good night, my.. [ Reynolds places over-sized hat on Trebek’s head ]Would you get that off of me? [ pulls it off his own head ] [ fade out ]
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