Jennifer Aniston: Thank you! I am so thrilled to be finally hosting”Saturday Night Live”.. and I say “finally”, because I’m the fifthcast member, I think it is, to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. And I askedthe other four if they had any advice, and they said, “Just relax, havefun, and stay away from that Chris Kattan!”
[ Guy in Audience interrupts ]
Guy in Audience: Jennifer? I’m a big fan of the show “Friends”, and I was wondering, in reallife, are you all really friends?
Jennifer Aniston: Um.. what an original question.. you remind me ofthe fifty other people who ask me that every day! [ spots Womanin Audience with a question] Uh, yeah?
Woman in Audience: Hi! Is your boyfriend Brad Pitt gonna be heretonight?
Jennifer Aniston: No. No, Brad is not here – he’s actually in Londonpromoting his new movie “Fight Club”. Hey, you know what, by the way?That restraining order is still in effect, Misty. And you know what?Nothing personal here, but I don’t really feel like doing this question-and-answerthing any more, so.. uh.. [ retreats backstage ]
Molly Shannon: Hey.
Jennifer Aniston: Hey, Molly.
Molly Shannon: Are you okay, Jennifer?
Jennifer Aniston: Yeah.
Molly Shannon: It seems like you just sort of bailed there on themonologue.
Jennifer Aniston: Oh.. well, it’s just that I get so tired ofanswering those questions, you know?
Molly Shannon: Yeah, I know. Well, is there anything I can help youwith?
Jennifer Aniston: Well, you know what, actually there is. I wantyou to hit me as hard as you can.
Molly Shannon: Excuse me?
Jennifer Aniston: If you want me to have a good show, I want you tohit me as hard as I can.
Molly Shannon: Well, gosh, Jennifer.. I don’t know.. uh.. [ punchesJennifer’s breast ]
Jennifer Aniston: Hey! Ow! That was my boob! [ pinchesMolly’s breasts ]
Molly Shannon: Hey, you! You told me to hit you! Are you okay?
Jennifer Aniston: Well, yeah, actually.. for the first time, I don’tthink I’ve ever felt so alive! [ punches Molly’s face ]
Molly Shannon: [ angry ] I am gonna kick your ass, pretty lady![ shoves Jennifer ] You want some more of that, “Rachel”? [ Jennifer punches back, but Molly returns the attack with a blow to thehead with a stage light. Jennifer grabs Molly by the hiar and rams her headinto the cast lockers. Ana Gasteyer and Cheri Oteri run in to stop the fight. ]
Ana Gasteyer: Stop it, you guys! What the hell is going on here?
Molly Shannon: No, it’s okay. Jennifer just asked me to..
Jennifer Aniston: No, no, no, no! First rule of “Fight Club”: “Donot talk about ‘Fight Club’!” Or wait a minute.. is it “talkabout it”? I don’t know.. I haven’t seen it. Isn’t that awful?
Ana Gasteyer: Wait a minute. How do we join “Fight Club”?
Cheri Oteri: Yeah! I want a piece of that!
Jennifer Aniston: Well, it’s actually very simple. You and I justbeat the hell out of each other!
Cheri Oteri: Okay! [ throws a punch at Ana ] You oughtta calmdown, Olive Oyl!
Ana Gasteyer: Oh, yeah? Bring it on, Munchkin! [ swats at Cheriwith a paint can ] Hey, this is fun, I like this!
[ Cheri grabs Ana by the hair and pounds her head into a table, then pullsout a lock of her hair ]
Jennifer Aniston: [ elated ] Ooh, Martha Stewart got her ass kicked!
Molly Shannon: I like “Fight Club”! [ does her Mary Katherine GallagherSuperstar jump ]
[ Jennifer shoves Molly to the ground, as Ana and Cheri continue to scuffle ]
Rachel Dratch: [ interceding ] Hey, what do you guys think you’re doing?!
Cheri Oteri: [ laughs ] What’s it to ya, new meat, huh? [ punches Rachel ]
Rachel Dratch: I’m gonna tell Lorne!
Jennifer Aniston: Whoa-oa! Second rule of “Fight Club”: “Don’t tellLorne about ‘Fight Club’.”
Cheri Oteri: [ laughing deviously ] Hey, Rachel, look at this..[smacks Rachel in the jaw ] “Fight Club”!
[ Molly cracks a chair over Rachel’s back ]
Ana Gasteyer: Hey, “Featured Player”! [ cracks a ladder over Rachel’shead ]
Rachel Dratch: [ reeling in the excitement ] This is FREAKIN’ awesome!
Jennifer Aniston: She’s mine now! [ breaks a plywood boardacross Rachel’s back, then drags her by the hair toward Home Base ] Alright.Any more questions? I didn’t think so. We got a great show, Sting is here..and, if you want, we will kick his tantric ass, too! Stick around,we’ll be right back.
Female Employee…..Jennifer Aniston Male Employee #1…..Horatio Sanz Male Employee #2…..Chris Kattan Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon
Female Employee: Oh, damn it! It crashed again. Hey, did somebody call Nick Burns the computer guy?
Male Employee #1: I called him about half hour ago. He told me to hold my horses.
Male Employee #2: I don’t like that guy.
Female Employee: Well you know what, I don’t like this new program. It’s crap. I don’t know why we switched.
Nick Burns: Because the new program is written for OS8 and can function twice as fast. Is that enough reason, Nancy Drew?
Theme Song: “Nick Burns, the computer guy. He’ll fix your computer, then he’s going to make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, your company computer guy.”
Nick Burns: Okay, all right, all right, what’s wrong with the computers?
[ everyone talks at once, making it hard for Nick to understand ]
Nick Burns: Overload, overload, my processor can only hold one command at a time here.
Male Employee #2 I have a question Nick, I’m trying to do this quarterly, I just, I can’t get the stupid e-mail package to open at all.
Nick Burns: It’s the e-mail that’s stupid, not you right? What does it say when you try to open it?
Male Employee #2 It can’t find the appropriate program to open the file.
Nick Burns: This is 6.0 version, you didn’t upgrade yet, did you genius? Just use the translation file for it?
Male Employee #2 Where’s that?
Nick Burns: Move! … [ sits down ] Done. Was that so hard? Boy I’m so glad I came down here, it’s really worth my trip. Whose next?
Male Employee #1 Hey Nick, how’s it going?
Nick Burns: Oh great, really great. I love teaching people remedial computers here. You guys should be wearing helmets or something?
Male Employee #1 I’m having trouble with my printer, all my stuff keeps going on that printer in marketing.
Nick Burns: Oh, is the walk killing you here buddy (pats Sanz’s belly)? Just get better shoes, that’s all.
Male Employee #1 It would be easier if it were here. I had my print monitor up here.
Nick Burns: Tried to use the print monitor huh? That didn’t work did it? Print monitor, no.
Male Employee #1 No it didn’t.
Nick Burns: That’s cause the print monitor, monitors the document you’re printing. It doesn’t tell what printer the direction it’s going to go to.
Nick Burns: Just scroll your chooser.
Male Employee #1 That thing you pull down?
Nick Burns: The thing you pull down? You mean Apple file? Do that.
Male Employee #1 I didn’t know what it was called.
Nick Burns: Obviously. You go to your chooser, go to the printer, pick your zone, and pick your printer.
Male Employee #1 Hold on, I’m on the chooser. Okay. Is this the zone here?
Nick Burns: Move! [ sits down ] … See where it says “4” and “FL”. That’s fourth floor. That’s where we are, we’re on the fourth floor. That’s it. You pick that one. Is that so hard? Geeze Louise, I can’t wait to get my NTSC and quit this job. [ steps over to the Female Employee’s computer ] What’s your problem?
Female Employee: Well, it just crashes every time my screen saver comes up.
Nick Burns: Alright, let’s run a test, just type in: XY.VIOLATOR/467 F47
Female Employee: Type in?
Nick Burns: Move! … [ sits down ] Okay, here. Do you want me to save your game of Minesweeper here?
Female Employee: Nope, you don’t have to, you don’t have to.
Nick Burns: Okay, thanks. Instead of playing a game, God forbid we read the manual. Have you people ever seen computers before? What I do here is press the letters and it manipulates the screen here and we have fun with it.
Female Employee: Yeah, I know about computers, okay. I’m on the Internet at home.
Nick Burns: Let me guess, you’re on AOL?
Female Employee: Yeah. What’s wrong with that?
Nick Burns: Nothing, except it doesn’t understand Java scripts. [ laughs ] … God I wish someone were here who knew about computers, ’cause that would have gotten a laugh. [ fiddles with her computer ] Damn it crashed, what is this? Move!
Female Employee: You’re already sitting there.
Nick Burns: Yeah, shut up. [ computer sounds ] What the hell is wrong with this thing?
Female Employee: Hey look everybody, the great computer guy doesn’t know what’s wrong.
Nick Burns: I’ll figure it out. Just trust me. I’ll do it, right here.
Female Employee: What’s the matter there wizard? You’re new program not working?
Nick Burns: It’s not the program. It’s not the program. Don’t say it.
Female Employee: Oh no it’s not? You’re sure? You’re sure?
Nick Burns: I just have to check the recent applications. Did you install a Dilbert screen saver?
Female Employee: Yeah, I love Dilbert.
Nick Burns: Well you already had flying toasters on there. There’s a conflict. That’s whats causing your computer to crash. Not our software. Damn, I’m good.
Female Employee: I didn’t know you couldn’t have two screen savers.
Nick Burns: Obviously. That’s why our systems are corrupted here. Problem solved. [ his pager beeps ] It’s those goofs over in Organizational Development. They make you guys look like braniacs over there. I’m outta here. Oh, by the way, you’re welcome!
Theme Song: “Cause he’s Nick Burns, your company computer guy.”
[ Little Doogie walks through the door upon returning from “Pokemon: The First Movie” ]
Dad: Tell us, Son: what did you think of the movie?
Doogie: [ bummed ] It was stupid!
Mom: Stupid? Well, what about your buddy Jaimie? What did he think of the movie?
Doogie: He liked it.
Dad: Yeah? I bet Jaimie was jealous when he saw your holographic Charizard, huh?
Doogie: Yeah, he traded me for it.
Dad: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.. You traded your holographic Charizard?
Mom: [ appalled ] But Charizard is the coolest Pokemon. And you traded it? For what? What, are you stupid? What did you get in return?
Doogie: These. [ holds up cards ]
Mom: [ grabbing the cards ] What are these? Let me see.. [ looks at card ] A Metapod. Great! Terrific! You know what its power is – it hardens. That’s really gonna help you in the battle to become a Pokemon master. [ tosses card, looks at next one ] Oh, and Magnamite – great! What a coup! [ tosses card ]
Dad: [ sarcastically ] I wonder how you ever talked Jaimie into giving up a Magnamite in exchange for a Charizard?
Mom: [ looking at next card ] Hey, and look here, honey – another Metapod! You can never have enough Metapods, can you, Doogie? [ tosses card, looks at next one ] Oh, well, at least you got a Diglett! He can’t change forms, his power is digging. Son, you are just a dumbass!
Dad: Son, she’s right. You’re a buffoon.
Mom: You know what? I’m gonna call Jaimie’s mother and get those cards back for you.
Doogie: I don’t care! I don’t even like Pokemon! [ his parents gasp ]
Mom: Oh, that’s great. So you’re just gonna be the weird kid in school, is that it? Well, let me tell you something – it’s not fun being the outcast, okay? I didn’t like REO Speedwagon in school, and people thought I was strange. Luckily, I had a nice rack, so I was able to overcome it! What are you gonna do?
Dad: Son, you’re not good-looking like your mother. How do you expect to make friends?
Mom: I did not spend fourteen hours in labor so I could give birth to the stupid kid in school!
Dad: Honey, you’re absolutely right. He’s gonna be the creepy kid. He’s going to be the one everyone hates.
Mom: I can see it now – you’ll be 35, living in a trailer, smacking your Common Law wife; she’ll call the cops, they’ll show up, and find you in your meth lab. Is that what you want?
Doogie: No.
Mom: Well, you’d better get it together, Mister!
Dad: Son, your mother and I are just so disappointed in how you turned out. I think you’d better go to your room and think about being a normal kid. Okay?
[ Doogie goes to his room ]
Mom: And I’m gonna come in there and check on you! You’d better be reading that Harry Potter book!
Dad: [ sighing ] I’m not sure about this kid, Honey. I just wish we could trade him in.
Mom: Oh, wouldn’t that be cool? You know, we could get one of those Asian kids. I mean, they’ve got great powers, they’re quick learners, and they assimilate well.
Father: My, honey, you’ve really outdone yourself this year! Well, I just want to begin by saying that I am very thankful to be spending this day with my wonderful family.
Roberta: And me.
Father: Yes, and Roberta too.
Mother: Oh, we’re so happy to have you, Roberta. You can take your coat off, if you like.
Roberta: It’s from the Burlington Coat Factory.
Sarah: So Roberta, how do you know Dad?
Roberta: I work in accounts payable at your father’s firm. I’m in charge of all the company’s debts.
Father: Yes. Roberta overheard me talking about our little family gathering and said she didn’t have any place to go. Several times actually.
Roberta: I usually spend Thanksgiving with my father and my aunt, but they went and booked themselves on a carnival cruise. It’s a large boat designed for those who like nonstop activities including shuffleboard and skeet. But I exempted myself from the aquatic fun because the Carnival Cruise Corporation doesn’t allow pets aboard its vessels.
Mother: Oh, you have pets?
Sarah: Mom, mom, don’t.
Roberta: I have… I have 8 cats. There’s Langly, Dominic, Hi Ho, Nut Nut, Montell, Jesus–
Sarah: Uh, Daddy, could you um pass the turkey please?
Roberta: Othello, and the most finicky: Gilligan. He’ll only eat Fancy Feast.. It’s funny, ’cause he’ll only eat Fancy Feast—
Sarah: Well this fancy feast is–
Roberta: From the commercial!
Sarah: Well this fancy feast is getting cold. So you know what, I’m just gonna go ahead and grab myself a little drumstick here..
Roberta: Would it be inappropriate for me to incorporate a blessing?
Sarah: Dad, did you not already say one?
Father: Yes I did.
Roberta: Dear Jesus–
Sarah: We’re Jewish.
Roberta: — savior of the world. I’d like to thank thee for my new Hebrew friends and the top-notch chow we are about to consume. I’d also like to thank thee in advance for the 7 bags of leftovers I’ll be able to take home to my cats.
Father: Okay, let’s eat.
Roberta: Langly, Dominic, Hi Ho, Nut Nut, Montell, Jesus.. (looks up) Not you. Othello, and Jesus, you know Gilligan. He’ll only eat–
Sarah: Fancy Feast! Amen!
Roberta: Amen.
Father: Alright. Uh, Grandpa, if you could pass those sweet potatoes, I’d be most grateful.
Grandpa: Holy hell, I wish I was DEAD!
Father: Yeah, just pass the potatoes.
Mother: Sarah, it’s such a shame that Richard couldn’t join us tonight.
Sarah: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that he invited me to join him next week in Paris.
Mother: Oh, that’s so exciting! Our Sarah jetting off to Paris!
Roberta: Have ya ever been to Scranton?
Sarah: Nope.
Roberta: Don’t count it out. The beauty of the skyline alone made me do a double take. (demonstrates) I stayed, I stayed at the airport Ramada.
Sarah: (sarcastic) Oooh, Ramada.
Roberta: It’s funny, because they hadn’t washed the sheets.
Sarah: I’m sory, how was that funny?
Roberta: You didn’t let me complete the tale. Apparently the previous guest shot himself in the head.
…..Colin Quinn George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell …..Tracy Morgan
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks! Come on!…Ha!…Hi, I’m Colin Quinn, and here are tonight’s top stories.
Before President Clinton boarded the Air Force One flight from Athens earlier today, the Secret Service received an anonymous threat against the plane. Looking for anything suspicious, agents asked all passengers if their belongings were ever out of their possession, or if they were asked to carry anything on board by this woman. [photo of Hillary Clinton]
In a New Yorker article this week, Al Gore criticized Bill Clinton for being too political, saying, quote, “Bill Clinton sees a car going down the street and says, ‘What are the political implications of that car?’ I think, ‘How can we replace the internal combustion engine on that car?'” Clinton angrily denied Gore’s characterization of him, insisting that when he sees a car, he thinks, “How far back do the seats go?” [some cheers, scattered applause]
Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush made his first foreign policy speech yesterday in Simi Valley, California, emphasizing that the United States needs to set priorities on the world stage. Bush believes that the U.S. needs to concentrate on the Far East, Russia, and “you know, that other one that looks like a shoe.”
In international news, the [semi-Irish accent] Irish Republican Army issued a historic statement Wednesday, rejecting violence and declaring that they will completely disarm, beginning in January. But you know, that’s probably just the booze talking. [cheers and applause]…[sarcastically] Ha ha, yeah. Funny….Funny to you, and I gotta go to those fire department fundraisers and catch a few shots in the face.
Hoping for future membership in the World Trade Organization, China reached a trade agreement with the United States this week that is being opposed by American unions as a, quote, “job killer.” Whatever happens with the agreement, however, U.S. experts warn you have to be careful when dealing with a closed culture steeped in ritual, family, and distrust of outsiders — the Teamsters.
Yesterday, John Carpenter, a – an Internal Revenue Service employee, became the first contestant to win the million-dollar prize on ABC’s “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” Carpenter said that, despite his windfall, he won’t quit his job at the IRS, but rather looks forward to going back to work, and harassing himself out of all the money he’s won. [cheers and applause]…Yeah! Where is he?
In his just-released biography, Texas governor George W. Bush says his image as a party animal is, quote, “vastly overblown.” As opposed to our curs – current president, who’s just vastly overblown. [cheers and applause]
The title of Bush’s biography, A Charge to Keep, was taken from a painting that hangs in the Texas governor’s office. Bush said he got the idea of naming the book after a work of art after reading Dan Quayle’s autobiography, Dogs Playing Poker.
Joining us now to discuss his new autobiography, Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush!
[pan over to George, who is a bit nervous and has a copy of his autobiography on the desk]
George W. Bush: Thanks, uh…thank you, uh…don’t tell me. Don’t tell me.
Colin: Colin.
George: I said not to tell me, dammit! Colin! All right….Right, I knew that.
Colin: Now…
George: Yeah.
Colin: …Governor Bush [George sticks out his tongue and wiggles it around, then sniffs, scratches his nose, then takes a couple deep breaths]…Governor Bush, first off…how do you have time to write a book while you are governor of Texas and a full-time presidential candidate?
George: Well, Col, I only sleep about 45 minutes a night. [laughs] Plus, the book itself only took two days to write.
Colin: Two days? The book’s over 250 pages!
George: I was a little wired that week! [laughs] Uh…I’ve been doing some partying. [makes a big, goofy smile and laughs very quietly]
Colin: I see….So, uh, tell us about the book.
George: Well, well, it sells in bookstores for 23 dollars, but it has a street value of 65. And it’s, uh, an in-depth exploration of my entire life, except for some minor details, like what I did in the ’70s and the early ’80s. [laughs, then sniffs twice] Woo!
Colin: Well [George sticks out his tongue and wiggles it around, then sniffs twice] …what did you do in those days?
George: [worried] Who wants to know? Did somebody ask you to ask me that?
Colin: No!
George: Are you affiliated with a law enforcement organization of some type?
Colin:No!
George: [relieved] Okay. Okay, Colin, I trust you. I trust you. You know, you’d have to tell me if you were a cop, right? Yeah. Okay. Man! It is hot in here, isn’t it? [takes off his sportcoat] Do you mind? Do you mind?
Colin: No, uh…
George: Thanks.
Colin: …go ahead.
George: I’m sweating up a storm in here. [loosens his tie] I am sweatin’! Woo! My heart is…my heart is racin’! [unbuttons and takes off his shirt] Racin’ like a race dog! I’m burnin’ up! [cheers] I’m burnin’ up! Hey, listen…if – if – if anyone calls for me, I’m NOT HERE, OKAY?! I’M NOT HERE!
Colin: If you say so, okay!
George: Is it cool if I do a couple lines?
Colin:What?!
George: A couple lines of my book! A couple lines of my book! My book!
Colin: Oh, sure, go – go ahead. [some applause]
Geoge: Yeah! [opens his book and sniffs the pages]
Colin: Wh…what are you – what are you doing?!
George: Col, I love that new book smell, I love it!…I love it!
Colin: Put that away!
George: I love it!
Colin: George Bush, everybody!
George: My dad’s here?
Colin: No, that’s you! Governor…
George: Oh, right, no, I know that.
Colin: …George Bush!
George: I know that. I know that.
Colin: Facing a protracted legal battle in Maryland this week, Linda Tripp launched a fundraising Internet site designed to pay her mounting legal bills. Interestingly, her online moneymaking scheme works opposite to other websites; in it, Linda Tripp appears naked, and you have to use your credit card to get her to put her clothes back on. [some applause]
Also hitting the campaign trail this week– ah!…Former New York Knick and presidential hopeful Bill Bradley, who returned to Madison Square Garden with other NBA greats this weekend for an event which netted 1.5 million dollars for his campaign. He would have raised another million dollars, but he missed his second shot from half court.
This week…Robert Reich, who served as Secretary of Labor in the Clinton-Gore White House, chose to endorse Bill Bradley for president instead of [one audience member applauds] his former colleague, Al Gore. Gore dismissed the endorsement, saying it was just right to pay back for the relentless “Mini-Me” jokes. [scattered applause]
England’s Queen Elizabeth and her husband, Prince Philip, will celebrate their 52nd wedding anniversary this weekend. The royal couple plans to have a romantic candlelit dinner, retire to the seclusion of Windsor Castle, get a little tipsy on wine, and then wave at each other from a respectable distance.
[photo of new $10 bill] The Treasury Department Tuesday unveiled an updated version of the ten-dollar bill, which will incorporate new security features to confuse and deter counterfeiters. [portrait of Alexander Hamilton replaced with photo of Chris Gaines; scattered applause]
According to Senate records, Arizona senator and presidential hopeful John McCain has the worst attendance record in the Senate this year, having skipped 36 percent of the first 365 floor votes. And what I want to know is: who’s the spoiled brat hall monitor who snitched on him? [photo of Al Gore]
It was reported this week that whi – when the New York Knicks were in South Carolina before the 1996 playoffs, an Atlanta strip club owner allegedly sent topless dancers to the team to perform sexual favors for the players. Evidently, the dancers were so accommodating, that even Patrick Ewing scored in the last two minutes. [some applause]
Pop superstar Michael Jackson announced last week that he plans to publish a text…a text-and-picture book, celebrating his, quote, “love of children.” The working title of the book: People’s Exhibit A. [some applause]
This week, one story touches on the most divisive issue in America: Jesse Jackson’s protest of the expulsion of seven black students from a Decatur, Illinois high school. Can these racial issues be discussed in an open, honest manner? They can, here on “Update Forum.” Joining me tonight, our own Tracy Morgan.
[pan over to Tracy]
Tracy Morgan: [waves to the audience] Hey!…How you doing, Colin?
Colin: Hi, Tracy. I want to thank you for agreeing to join me for this frank and open racial discussion.
Tracy: Colin, we’ll never understand each other unless we start saying what’s really on our minds.
Colin: Absolutely. Now, don’t you think Reverend [subtitle: “Everybody’s a reverend with you people.”] Jackson…is creating a racial conflict where it doesn’t exist?
Tracy: Well, you know, this is not a racial [subtitle: “Yes it is.”] issue. Reverend Jackson made that clear.
Colin: Oh, I know it’s not! [subtitle: “Oh yes it is.”] Race just confuses the issue, really.
Tracy: But I understand white people’s concerns with this type of demonstration. [subtitle: “Be afraid, Colin. Be very afraid.”] Still, the penalty was too severe. What about alternative schooling?
Colin: Listen. I agree that these kids need alternative [subtitle: “Prison.”] schooling. There have to be options!
Tracy: Exactly. And as long as people like you and I can work together [subtitle: “‘Til my sitcom on the WB.”] and have these open and honest conversations about race, only good can come of it.
Colin: You’re right. I guess we [he and Tracy smile broadly and shake hands while facing the camera] cleared that up! [subtitles in front of him and Tracy: “He’s one of the good ones.”]…Tracy Morgan, everybody! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! [Tracy flashes the peace sign] Good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 4th, 1999 Christina Ricci Beck None None A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) rates the Republican frontrunners for the 2000 election. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton. Transcript
Montage
Christina Ricci’s MonologueSummary: Christina Ricci is joined onstage by her less successful twin sister, Petina Ricci (Rachel Dratch). Transcript
Spartans Holiday ParadeSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) cheer needlessly at a holiday parade. Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna. Transcript
And So This Is ChanukahSummary: Popular musical artists perform Chanukah-based song parodies. Recurring Characters: Bing Crosby, David Bowie, Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Ricky Martin. Transcript
Who Wants To Eat?Summary: Middle Eastern emcee Rajneesh Philbin (Darrell Hammond) taunts starving contestants. Transcript
Taxicab ConfessionsSummary: A cab driver (Tim Meadows) is distracted by a sexy teenaged passenger (Christina Ricci).
TV FunhouseSummary: In a cartoon by Robert Smigel, the characters on “Friends” continue to drink and coffee and josh with one another as the apocalypse strikes New York.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: WTO Spokesman Jacob Silj (Will Ferrell) talks louder than expected. Recurring Characters: Jacob Silj. Transcript
SallySummary: Sally Jesse Raphael (Ana Gasteyer) enlists the help of Sergeant Frank (Tracy Morgan) to reform teen punk, Amber (Christina Ricci). Recurring Characters: Sally Jesse Raphael. Transcript
Beck performs “Sexx Laws”
Madeline Kahn TributeSummary: A clip of Madeline Kahn as the Bride of Frankenstein, singing “I Feel Pretty”, marks her recent passing. Note: Clip from 05/08/76.
Lou Bega…..Tracy Morgan Tori Amos…..Molly Shannon D’Angelo…..Tim Meadows Bing Crosby…..Chris Parnell David Bowie…..Jimmy Fallon Britney Spears…..Christina Ricci Mariah Carey…..Cheri Oteri Celine Dion…..Ana Gasteyer Ricky Martin…..Chris Kattan
Announcer: Tonight, following the “Howard Stern Radio Show”, it’s awhole new holiday music special: “And So This Is Chanukah”. Come celebratethe Jewish Festival of Lights, with your favorite musical stars singing yourfavorite holiday songs – including Lou Bega, performing his hit single,”Chanukah #5″.
Lou Bega: [ singing ] “A little bit of Chanukah in my life.. A little bit of dreidel by my side.”A little bit of geld is all I need.. A little bit of macabe is what I see.”
Announcer: It’s the greatest Chanukah special ever! Withappearances by Dr. Dre, Andrea Bocelli, Korn, 98 Degrees, Amy Grant, MasterP, Waylon Jennings, and Blink-182. Featuring an original holiday balladsung by Tori Amos!
Tori Amos: [ singing ] “Excuse me, but can I be a Jew for a while? you get to celebrate Chanukah, which last eight nights. You get more presents than you do for Christmas, but then again, you can’t eat pork. And it’s been years. Kosher all these.. Years go by, and I still feel Jewish..” [ starts humping her piano and licking her microphone ]
Announcer: You won’t want to miss this sexy Chanukah ballad performed by D’Angelo!
D’Angelo: [ singing ] “Lemme tell you about this girl, maybe I shouldn’t.. I met her in Brooklyn, and we ate potato latkes. My Chanukah baby, I get high off your lovin’, Tell me what’s menorah. I want your Chanukah bush. I want your Chanukah bush.”
Announcer: Thid all-star holiday musical salute includesnever-before-seen footage of Bing Crosby and David Bowie performing theclassic “Little Dreidel Boy”.
Bing Crosby: Mr. B-b-b-bowie? How about you and me sing a littleholiday tune for the Hebrews?
David Bowie: Whatever you want, Bing..
Together: [ singing ]
“I have a little dreidel, a-rum-pa-pum-pum. I made out clay, ba-rum-pum-pum, ba-rum-pum-pum, ba-rum-pum-pum..” David Bowie: “Why am I singing.. with Bing Crosby?” David Bowie: “We’re not Jewish..” David Bowie: “This is messed up..”
Announcer: With an inspirational holiday prayer by Britney Spears,Mariah Carey, and Celine Dion.
Britney Spears: Okay, y’all.. Chanukah is special holiday, where we, as Christians, take time out to think about forgiving our Jewish friendsfor killing our Lord. Oh, and on December 12th, I’ll be appearing atSix Flags over Tulsa!
Mariah Carey: Um..Chanukah is a time to celebrate.. um.. what wehave as individuals. In my case, I celebrate my great hair, my great ass,and my reat right side of my face. [ shakes it ]
Celine Dion: To all my Jewish friends back in Quebec, I would liketo say, “Joyeaux Chanukah!” Not bad, eh? Huh?! Good, huh? You know, Iwill never forget the time I asked my mother, “What is Chanukah?”And she say, “Celine, it’s a holiday celebrated by people who own all themovie studio and the plane.” You go, girlfriend! Huh, pretty good, eh?
Announcer: It’s classic Jewish holiday music, performed by singerswho are allrepresented by Jewish management. Including Kid Rock,Shania Twain, Creed, Terence Trent D’Arby and Dixie Chicks. Along withyour favorite Latino Chanukah song, performed by Ricky Martin!
Ricky Martin: [ singing and dancing ] “Woke up in New York City, next door to a bagel shop. What is a Chanukah dreidel, keeping work for a spinning top. You eat potato pancakes for eight days and eight nights. So come and celebrate this holy festival of lights. Outside, inside out, let’s all dance the horah. Happy Chanukah, come on light the menorah!
Announcer: “And So This Is Chanukah”. Presented by CBS and Target.It don’t get more Jewish than that!
President Bill Clinton: Good evening, America. I’d like to speak toyou tonight, because this week the Bill Clinton presidency suffered a crisisin leadership. It’s been a bad week. First, this Chechnya thing’s gettingme down. People keep asking me questions, like “What am I gonna do?” Idon’t know! I mean, I don’t have a position. And then I looked everywherefor that new Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue – you know, the one with thenaked lady? I couldn’t find it. And then, there was that thing up inSeattle – that sucked! I mean, on the one hand I support free tradeand globalization; but on the other hand, I like pot-smoking hippies whomarch in the street. I do! I always have! And, once again, I don’tknow what my position is.. and then I thought about it, and then I rememberedmy position – I.. don’t.. have one!
I thought, maybe, you know, I’m not fit to run this country. Maybe I’m a badpresident. Maybe there are better people for the job. But then I sawsomething that made me feel a whole lot better about myself. Did any of youhappen to see the Republican debate, up there in New Hampshire? [ laughs ]Probably not. But I did! And it was a doozy! Man, the sparks flew! Checkthese guys out.. [ file video of the six Republican candidates is shown ] Ihaven’t seen six men in dark suits look like that since.. “Reservoir Dogs”!The Republican Party is back! Boy, yeah, ooh, I’m gonna vote for ’emall! [ laughs ] Now, I am kidding here, but these guys were great.Now, you all know how I feel about Al Gore. He’s as dull as sober missionarysex with someone you know. [ disgusted ] But, after watching that debate,I do believe that in a Presidential Race, a dead mule could beat their topmule. But since we don’t have a dead mule, we’ll have to go with Al Gore.Let’s take a closer look, for those you who may have missed the debate.
[ file video of John McCain ] First up: Senator John McCain, a war hero.The man spent five years in a Vietnamese prisoner-of-war camp. The Viet Conghad him for five years! Come on, people, didn’t you see “TheManucharian Candidate”? Well.. me neither.. but, remember “Naked Gun”, whenReggis Jackson was brainwashed to kill the Queen? Well, what if he wasbrainwashed to kill the President, and he is the President! Thinkabout that the next time you’re high.
[ file video of Orrin Hatch ] Well now, here’s Orrin Hatch. He’s a fine,upstanding man, he’s been in politics for a long time. But he hasone big problem: his name is “Orrin Hatch”. “President Orrin Hatch“?I mean, it sounds weird. You can’t be president with a name like”Orrin Hatch”!
[ file video of Steve Forbes ] What about Steve Forbes? Look at this man..If this man sat next to you on a plane, you’d pretend you were sleeping.[ laughs ] He looks crazy! Someone should ask him about marijuana.I mean, he looks like someone at a 7-11 after a midnight showing of “Fritzthe Cat”. You ever see that, staring at the Dolly Madison cakes for tenminutes? [ laughs ]
[ file photo of Gary Bauer ] Now, this was the most confusing momentof the debate. Who the hell is this guy?! He looks like a ventriloquistdoll. Does that scare you? It scares me.
[ file video of Alan Keyes ] “Oh, hello, I’m Alan Keyes, I’m running forPresident, I think everyone’s a racist, vote for me!”
[ file video of George W. Bush ] Then there’s frontrunner George W. Bush.How can we vote for this guy over Al Gore? Al Gore is a family man, aclean, upright public servant. His whole life he’s wanted to help peopleand do good. Now, look at George Bush. He’s evasive, he’s not that smart,he probably doesn’t have any true convictions.. he’s not saying it, but weall know he probably spent years down there in Texas snorting everythingthat came across the border. This man who claims to be a moral leader isnothing more than a slow Southerner with a questionable past, who’s afraidto take a psoition on anything! [ realizes he’s just describedhimself ] I love this candidate! [ laughs ] I’m voting for him!Screw Al Gore! I know what’s right for this country, and it is”Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Rajneesh Philbin: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show! Helloonce again, everybody. It’s our third week, here in Koralla, andwe’re a smash hit! Can you believe it? Now, let’s meet ourfabulous contestants. [ contestants are shown ] Sianuk Mustafa fromBangladesh, Sonja Kradevic from Bosnia, and, from Ethopia, Kimba. Alright,now you know the format – the person who gets the following question rightin the quickest time will play for actual food! Here we go. “Placethe following symptoms of starvation in the correct order, starting withthe earliest: A. Cramping, B. Distended Belly, C. Hallucinations, D. ApathyToward Flies.” [ contestants select their answers ] Okay, now let’s seethe correct answer: [ D. A. C. B. ] And how did our contestants do? And..it looks like Sonja Karadevic is our winner! Come on over, Sonja! [ Sonjajumps up ] Nice to see you.
Sonja: This is exciting! I am very hungry.
Rajneesh Philbin: Yeah, well, you’re in the right place. Now, it sayshere, Sonja, that you live in Bosnia, but you recently left?
Sonja: Yes. There was terrible military aggression against theBosnian people. So I fled. Unfortunately, I sought refugee in Kosovo.
Rajneesh Philbin: Well, we all know how that turned out![ laughs uproariously ] Okay! Now, you now how the game is played – youstart with a bowl of rice, and you work your way up to the grand prize.Are you ready for the first question?
Sonja: Yes, I am, Rajneesh.
Rajneesh Philbin: “In America, which of the following food items aretraditionally thrown at the bride and groom after a wedding? Is it A. Rice,B. Peanuts, C. Pudding, or D. Cabbage?”
Sonja: Growing up, I have heard horrible tales about events wherethey throw rice.. but I never believed it.
Rajneesh Philbin: Heard it was rice? Pretty confident?
Sonja: I think so. “Rice.”
Rajneesh Philbin: Is that your final answer?
Sonja: [ hoping ] Yes, it is.
Rajneesh Philbin: It seems crazy.. but it is.. Rice!Well, congratulations, Sonja, you’ve own a bowl of rice! [ shows it to her ]
Sonja: Oh, wonderful.. can I have some?
Rajneesh Philbin: Well, you could. Or, you could keep going.
Sonja: It has been so long since I have eaten..
Rajneesh Philbin: But.. if you get the next question right,you’ll win a bag of wheat. Just think how many people in the village thatwill feed.
Sonja’s Husband: We could eat for a month with a bag of wheat, sweetie!
Sonja: [ sighs ] I will go for it.
Rajneesh Philbin: Alright. Here’s the next question: “Which actressportrayed Gloria on the 70’s sitcom ‘All in the Family’? Is it..”
Sonja:[ jumping in ] It’s Sally Struthers! I know that, it’s myfinal answer!
Rajneesh Philbin: You are correct! It’s Sally Struthers!
Sonja: She interviewed my village once!
Rajneesh Philbin: Yes, mine too. Alright, you’ve won a bag of wheat.
Sonja: Can I have it?
Rajneesh Philbin: Not yet! Don’t you want to win the grand prize -this tasty goat?
Sonja: The goat looks good.
Rajneesh Philbin: Indeed. Are you willing to risk the bag of wheatand the bowl of rice for a chance at the goat?
Sonja: [ to the audience ] Honey? What should I do?
Sonja’s Husband: I.. never eat.. meat.. Please.. go for it!
Sonja: [ to Rajneesh ] Ask the question.
Rajneesh Philbin: Alright. Here’s your chance to eat a goat. “Whatis the name of the disease where people refuse to eat because of a pathologicalfear of gaining weight? Is it A. Bulimia, B. Dysentery, C. Cholera, orD. Anorexia?”
Sonja: Hold on.. people starve themselves on purpose?! I’venever heard such things.
Rajneesh Philbin: This is for a goat. What’s your answer?
Sonja: You mean, they have food.. but they don’t eat it becausethey think they’re fat?
Rajneesh Philbin: That’s right.
Sonja: I’ve heard of Cholera.. and I have Dysentery – I know it’snot that. I’ll take a guess and say Bulimia.
Rajneesh Philbin: Bulimia? Is that your final answer?
Sonja: [ unsure ] Yes.
Rajneesh Philbin: [ pause ] I’m sorry, Sonja, but it’s Anorexia..you’ve lost it all!
Sonja: Can’t I have the rice?
Rajneesh Philbin: No, I’m sorry. We’re feeding it to the goat!
Sonja: Can’t I just smell it?
Rajneesh Philbin: No! That’s all the time we have. Joinus next time for “Who Wants To Eat?”
Circe Nightshade…..Molly Shannon Azrael Abyss…..Chris Kattan Hezebaia of the Dust…..Christina Ricci Baron Nocturna…..Will Ferrell
[ Scene opens with Azrael lying down and Circe sitting on the couch. ]
Circe Nightshade: Hello and welcome to Goth Talk. I’m Circe Nightshade and tonight we are paying are last respects to a dear kindred who has finally gone thither [ pause] to his mortal reward. Welcome to the funeral of Azreal Abyss!
Azrael Abyss: I’m the Prince of Sorrow, whoo.
Circe: Shut up, you supposed to be dead.
Azrael: Yes, I’m dead indeed, la la la.
Circe: Azrael, come on. Ok, well Azrael’s not really dead, but this is his funeral. It’s a funeral for the living. The dark brainchild of our guest to tonight, please welcome, Hezebaia…
Together: of the dust!
Circe: Hezebaia.
[ Hezebaia walks though the door and sits down on the couch with Circe. ]
Circe: Welcome to my dark lair Hezebia.
Hezebia: I’m sorry I’m late my findish brethren, I was plunged in the depth of an icy blue madness, trying to park my new Dodge Neon.
Circe: You got a new Dodge Neon! [suprised]
Hezebia: Graduation.
Circe: From who?
Hezebia: My parents.
Circe: What color?
Hezebia: Purple.
Circe: Really?
Azrael: Hey, what about me?!
[ Hezebia pushes him back down]
Circe: Now, let the black ceremony begin, here the living are as the dead.
Azrael: [ Sceeches and hisses. ]
[Hezebia gets up and puts flower peddles around Azrael. ]
Hezebia: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to morn the loss Azrael…
Together: Abyss. [ She than stuffs peddles in his mouth. ]
Azrael: [ Spits them out, gagging. ]
[ Circe gets up and takes off a cover for a picture of Azrael. ]
[ It’s a picture of him with pimples, braces and hair geased to the side. ]
Azrael: Noo, not my ninth grade yearbook picture! Urgggg.
Hezebia: Our first eulogy will be delivered by a man who is no stanger to the otherside.
Azrael: I hope it’s Baron Nocturna.
Hezebia: His grim rememberence, yea it’s Baron Nocturna.
Azrael: [ Clapping. ] Send him in, send him in, send him in.
[ Hezebia pushes him down again. ]
Circe: Come to us Baron, oh, Underlord of the infernle.
[ Baron walks in wearing a Dunkin’ Donuts work outfit. ]
The Girls: Welcome Baron.
Baron: Sorry, I just got off work, I had to do my make-up in the car.
Azrael: Just get on with the funeral.
Baron: Good eve to you dark sisters our and our dear departed Azrael. [ Now reading. ] “While I envy dear Azrael’s flight from this drewy world, I myself must face a cruel fact, without Azrael around I am now the gayest guy at school, and I’m gonna get my ass kicked, a lot! If the vicious wedgies visit upon Azrael are any invedtion…”
Azrael: That’s enough, Baron.
[ Hezebia pushes him down]
Hezebia: Shut it Todd.
Azrael: My name’s not Todd it’s Azrael Abyss!
Hezebia: Okay.
[ Baron sits down.]
Hezebia: Now is the time for the departed to make his wishes known. [ Fighting with him. ]
Circe: Ok, before the departed Azrael recorded the demented revines of his findish last will intestiment, [ holds up a video. ] using his parents cam corder.
Hezebia: Behold the chiling image of a dead man calling out from be on the grave.
Azrael: ooooo.
[ Camera fades out, then goes to Azrael from 1996 in his PJ’s at home with braces opening his christmas gift. ]
Azrael: Hiiiii!! [ waving at the camera ] I’m gonna open my present now! Oh My God, it’s perfect! A Mickey Mouse phone, I love it! Oh my god! [ looks up. ] Thank you Santa! lalala, I’m talking on the phone, I’m talking on the phone lalala. [ pressing the buttons. ] Beep, beep, beep, beep, [ talking in the phone. ] Hi, Santa? It’s me Todd, thanks for the neat phone!
[ Fades out to Circe and everyone. All four have odd looks on their faces. ]
Azrael: I told you to rewind that!
Circe: Sorry Azrael.
Hezebia: Boy you were really into that phone.
Azrael: Just keep going with the funeral, I’m dead, I’m dead, remember.
Baron: You’re right, you’re dead. When the people at school see this tape! Ha-Ha!
Azrael: No, give me that!
Baron: I’m gonna be, I’m back to being the second fruitest guy in school!
Azrael: No, give it to me!
Circe: Well that’s all the time that we have, till next time sweet nightmare, and remember stay out of the daylight.
Air Date:
