Category: 1999

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 10

99j: Freddie Prinze, Jr. / Macy Gray

Dr. Beaman’s Office

Dr. Beaman…..Will Ferrell
Nurse Jennifer…..Rachel Dratch
Tom…..Chris ParnellKathy…..Molly Shannon
Dr. Poop…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Dr. Beaman sitting behind his desk, talking on the phone ]

Dr. Beaman: I’m sorry, you have the wrong number. No, there’s no “Mark” here. My name? It’s Mark. No.. I spell it with a C. Who put you up to this? What do you mean you’re my “wife”? O-kay.. if you’re my “wife”, what’s our cat’s name? [ a beat ] Mr. Stitches. Damn, you’re good! [ hangs up ]

[ Nurse Jennifer enters ]

Nurse Jennifer: Doctor? The Framinghams are here to see you.

Dr. Beaman: Oh, good. Send them right in.

Nurse Jennifer: By the way, can I get Tuesday off for a modeling job?

Dr. Beaman: Absolutely.

[ Jennifer exits, as the Framinghams enter ]

Dr. Beaman: Hi. Hello. Tom.

Kathy: Hello, Doctor!

Dr. Beaman: Very good to see you. Please, have a seat.

[ The Framinghams sit ]

Kathy: So, how is our baby?

Dr. Beaman: Well, I.. I don’t want to keep you in suspense here, so we’ll just get right into it. [ phone rings ] Hold on. [ answer phone ] Hello? Beverly! How the hell- what?! NO!! Old Chester? A palimino? They’re beautiful! Ye-es! They’re gorgeous! Beautiful, golden fur! Uh-huh! Yes! Why, I’ve got all the time in the world!

Tom: [ clears throat ]

Dr. Beaman: Ohhh. Actually, Beverly, I should go.. One of my patients is being a real knob-job.

Tom: Excuse me?

Dr. Beaman: Yeah! That was him. You know how it is, Beverly. [ chuckles ] Alright. What’s that? No. No, he doesn’t look like that – close, though! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! [ notices Tom is staring at him ] He’s looking at me right now.. His big, sweaty, gat face.. sucking in air like a dying fish. You should see ‘im. Between you and me, I’d like to stomp on his head ’til my foot’s covered in brains.

Kathy: We can hear you!

Dr. Beaman: At least his wife’s got a big enough ass for a nice roll in the hay. Alright, Beverly! Goodbye, old friend! [ hangs up ] Sorry, I was just, uh.. subscribing to some magazines.

Tom: No, you weren’t!

Dr. Beaman: Now, where we? Oh, right. Your father.. may never again have what we call a human face.

Kathy: What?!

Tom: We’re here about our baby!

Dr. Beaman: Who are you people?!

Tom: The Framinghams! We gave birth to a baby a week ago! And you were supposed to give us test results!

Dr. Beaman: Are you Brian and Cheryl Framingham?

Kathy: No.

Dr. Beaman: [ looking through files ] Blowfish and Funk Framingham?

Tom: No! For God’s sakes!

Dr. Beaman: Jennifer, get the F in here!!

[ Nurse Jennifer enters ]

Nurse Jennifer: Yes, Doctor?

Dr. Beaman: Who are these people?!!

Nurse Jennifer: They’re Tom and Kathy Framingham from Mount Oak. They have a baby – Shane.

Dr. Beaman: My God.. Tom and Kathy.. I-I feel like an idiot.. Of course! your son Shane! He’s fantastic! [ Framinghams sigh ] Now.. quick phone call to Beverly, to get the details on this new palimino, then I’ll give you the test results..

Tom: Now, we haven’t seen our son in a week! We want to know-

Dr. Beaman: You shut that mouth, Tom!

Tom: I will not!

Dr. Beaman: You will if you’re in my office!

Tom: I will not shut up!

Kathy: Tom! Please!

Dr. Beaman: And tell that Asian wife of yours to shut up, too!

Kathy: You are really being awful!

Dr. Beaman: Believe me, I know! But you’re all gonna need to shut up!! Are we clear on that? Good. Now, Now, I’m going to tell you this quickly, and it’s probably going to sting a little bit. Your son’s a witch.

Tom: What?

Kathy: Oh my God, no!

Tom: This is ridiculous, there’s, there’s no way to determine..

Dr. Beaman: Yes, there is, yes there is. [ shouts ] Jennifer, please send in Dr. Poop! And, yes, laugh all you want at his last name, but he is the man who could very well save your son’s life.

[ Dr. Poop enters Dr. Beaman’s office ]

Dr. Poop: Tom, Kathy.. I’m Dr. Steven Poop. I’m sorry, there’s absolutely nothing I can do for your son. But.. I can do The Robot. [ does the Robot dance ] That’ll be $5,000. Good day to you both. [ exits office ]

Tom: What the hell was that?

Dr. Beaman: Look, I couldn’t think of anything good… Uhhh… Truth is [ stifling a laugh ] ..we misplaced your baby.

Tom: [ stunned, stutters ] You.. vondruke!

Dr. Beaman: [ making a curious face ] Is that an actual curse word?

Tom: I think so.. Listen, when did you misplace our baby?

Dr. Beaman: It was right after we delivered him. I, uh.. I went out to grab a bite to eat and I forgot I had him with me. Then I met some friends for a beer.. uh.. we went to a BoDeans concert.. and, son of a vondruke, if I didn’t leave him at the concert hall! Thank God they had him, the next day at Lost and Found. [ sigh of relief from Tom ] Then, I just flat out lost him!

Tom: [ pulling himself together ] Doc.. I’ve gotta tell ya – you have angered me with your irresponsibility! And yet, at the same time, you’re a straight shooter. And I can’t fault you for that. [ a beat ] We’ll let it slide – but just this once!

Kathy: [ outraged ] Honey!

Tom: Now.. [ feeling horny ] ..let’s go start makin’ another one!

Kathy: [ slowly rises from her seat ] Euggh! You are totally grossing me out! [ runs away from Tom ] Oh, you’re being creepy!

[ Tom chases Kathy out of the office ]

Dr. Beaman: [ sighing ] Thank God.. Whew… [ starts to write on his papers, then stops ] Yikes.. [ writes some more, stops again ] That was rough! [ props his feet on his desk ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 10

99j: Freddie Prinze, Jr. / Macy Gray

Colonel Belmont’s Old Fashioned Horse Glue

Langford T. Belmont…..Will Ferrell
Carl…..Chris Parnell

[ open on horse farm ]

Langford T. Belmont: Life’s a little simpler ’round here in the country. We move at our own pace. A little slower, and a little old-fashioned. Sometimes, that’s the best way to get things done. Hi, I’m Langford T. Belmont. You know, they say that people don’t care about quality and tradition nowadays. Well, maybe I’m old fasioned, but around here we do things the way they ought to be done. That’s why we make our glue the old fashioned way. Out of horses. (holds up product)Colonel Belmont’s Old Fashioned Horse glue. Made the old fashioned way. Out of 100% dead horse. In 1908, my great-grandfather, Nathaniel Belmont, had one simple notion. Cut the hooves off of horses like ol’ Chestnut here and make glue out of them. And his idea soon became the world’s finest all-natural adhesive.

Carl: [ making a pot of boiling horse glue ] How does this batch look, Mr. B?

Langford T. Belmont: Needs more horse, Carl.

Carl: Yes, sir. [ picks up ax ]

Langford T. Belmont: You know that it takes four fully-grown horses to make just one bottle of our glue? And that we use only the choicest hooves, plus some bone, hair, internal organs, whatever gets caught in the machine. Everything else we just throw away to rot. That’s our promise of quality. So when it comes time to fix that refridgerator magnet or put together a little house of popsicle sticks, you don’t want some cheap synthetic glue. You want pure mutilated horse paste.

Carl: [ with a wheelbarrow full of horse hooves ] Horse coming through!

Langford T. Belmont: [ laughs ] Colonel Belmont’s Old Fashioned Horse Glue. Made the old fasioned way. Out of horses.

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 11


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 5th, 2000

Alan Cumming

Jennifer Lopez

None

Ben Stiller
Breakfast in New HampshireRecurring Characters: George W. Bush, John McCain, Alan Keyes, Al Gore, Bill Bradley.

Montage

Alan Cumming’s Monologue

Uncle Jemima’s Pure Mash LiquorSummary: Drunken Uncle Jemima (Tracy Morgan) hawks his homemade booze.

Transcript

Fried Chicken Dreams ForeverSummary: VH-1Biopic recalls John Lennon’s (Jimmy Fallon) and Paul McCartney’s (Alan Cumming) chicken enterprise.

Recurring Characters: John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Yoko Ono.

The CulpsRecurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobby Mohan-Culp.

Dog ShowRecurring Characters: Miss Colleen, David Larry.

The Heat Is OnSummary: In a film by Adam McKay, Wes (Ben Stiller) bets that he can get Glenn Frey (Will Ferrell) in bed.

Jennifer Lopez performs “Feelin’ So Good”

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Siegfried and Roy’s Night of 1000 TigersRecurring Characters: Siegfried, Roy.

Hello DollyRecurring Characters: Deana Nolan-Gray.

Jennifer Lopez performs “Waiting For Tonight”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 11

99k: Alan Cumming / Jennifer Lopez

Uncle Jemima’s Pure Mash Liquor

Uncle Jemima…..Tracy Morgan
Sammy…..Tim Meadows
Aunt Jemima…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on “Song of the South” setting ]

Uncle Jemima: Ah, beautiful day. [bird flies by.] Well isn’t that right little fella?

[sits down and looks at camera] Lemme ask you a question-do you like drinkin’? Hell, you like drinkin’. Who the hell don’t? Well, if you’re like me – you like to get bent just as fast as possible. That’s why I’m proud to introduce to you, Uncle Jemima’s Pure Mash Liquor.

I’m Uncle Jemima. You probably know my wife, Aunt Jemima, the Pancake Lady.

Now, she says that sellin’ booze is degradin’ to our people. I always say that black folk ain’t exactly swellin’ up with pride on account of you flippin’ flapjack! Ain’t I right, Sammy?

Sammy: Listen, don’t get me in this mess.

Uncle Jemima: Then she say, “But why booze?” And I says, “Sell what you know”, and I know about booze.

Uncle Jemima’s Pure Mash Liquor has a 95% alcohol content, and that’s per volume.

Sammy: What the hell does that mean?

Uncle Jemima: [swatting at cartoon birds] That means you get f**ked up for less money!

Hook a brotha up. Buy some of my pure mash liquor and let’s show that old b*tch there’s more to this world than just makin’ pancake.

Aunt Jemima: [ exits house banging pot ] Pancakes is ready!

Uncle Jemima: Aw, you shut up, Woman! You’re not gonna ruin this for me! [ swats at cartoon birds flying around him ]

Sammy: [ playing checkers ] Whatchoo swattin’ at?

Announcer: Uncle Jemima’s Down-Home Mash Liquor. More fun than pancakes.

Uncle Jemima: [ running through yard swatting cartoon birds and kicking cartoon pigs ] I just want to make liquor..!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 12th, 2000

Julianna Margulies

DMX

None

Paula Pell

Noah Wyle
A Message From the First-Lady of the United StatesRecurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, President Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Julianna Margulies’ MonologueSummary: Julianne Margulies shows a clip from her new veterinary-based “ER” spoof.

Transcript

Litter CrittersSummary: Kids are bored with their pet cat until they discover the fun of molding fun toys out of cat poop.

Note: Repeat from 10/16/99.

The Bird FamilySummary: Paul Blank’s (Chris Parnell) girlfriend (Julianne Margulies) is grossed out when she discovers that his family has to pre-chew his food for him because of a medical deficiency.

Transcript

E! Fashion WeekRecurring Characters: Steve Kmetko, Donatella Versace, Elton John, Elizabeth Hurley.

Transcript

Augustus GeneralRecurring Characters: Nadeen.

Transcript

The Crocodile HunterRecurring Characters: Steve Irwin, Terry Irwin.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Joy Lipton.

Transcript

DMX performs “Party Up”

Erectile Dysfunction AdSummary: Viagra-style ad is really a front for the Tootsie Roll company.

Transcript

Savin’ ItSummary: Goodie two shoes Jessica Simpson (Cheri Oteri) hosts a talk show for virgins waiting for marriage before having sex.

DMX performs “What’s My Name”

The Bloder BrothersSummary: Free-associating losers Kip (Jimmy Fallon) and Wayne Bloder (Chris Parnell) hit on a woman (Julianne Margulies) at a bar.

Recurring Characters: Wayne Bloder, Kip Bloder.

Transcript

priceline.comRecurring Characters: William Shatner.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 25: Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

The Bird Family

Mom…..Ana Gasteyer
Dad…..Will Ferrell
Paul…..Chris Parnell
Karen…..Julianne Margulies
Nathan…..Chris Kattan

Mom: (entering with food) Oh, please… please everyone dig in, don’t wait for me.

Paul: Mom this smells delicious. I’m starving, all I’ve had today is a smoothie.

Dad: Before we get too carried away I’d just like to welcome Karen to our home and to our table.

Karen: Oh, thank you. That is so sweet, Mr. Blake.

Dad: Please, call me Cornelius.

Karen: Well, thank you Cornelius.

Mom: I just have to say, Karen, that Paul must really like you if he’s bringing you over to the house on just your second date.

Dad: Absolutely.

Karen: Oh, well Paul and I had such a wonderful first date I thought, why not, what have I got to lose.

Paul: Well be careful, you might become the daughter they never had. Dad, do you mind?

Dad: Oh, sure. (begins cutting up Nathan’s chicken) Karen, I need to ask you something (begins chewing up chicken) is your father Dale Anderson?

Karen: Do you know my father?

Dad: I have know Dale Anderson, we have known Dale Anderson, for twenty years. We started at the same plant together. (spits chicken into PAUL’s mouth) And, ah, and then, I got transferred when the kids were really little.

Mom: Yeah, in fact I think that you guys probably played together when you were little.

Paul: The chicken is so great, Mom.

Mom: Oh, thank you sweety.

Karen: What just happened?

Paul: Oh, that, we played together when we were little kids. Kinda neat, huh?

Dad: Here comes some corn!

Paul: All right!

(DAD spits chewed up food into his mouth)

Mom: Corn is my specialty

Paul: Mmmm, mmm. Mom, you are on your game tonight.

Mom: Oh, thank you.

Karen: What are you guys doing?

Dad: I’m feeding him.

Karen: Yes, I see that. But why that way?

Paul: Karen, I thought I told you, my salivary glands don’t function properly. And on top of that, I have really weak teeth.

Mom: They’re like little pieces of chalk.

Paul: Mom, they’re not that soft. I’m not a baby.

Karen: Paul, you never told me about this.

Paul: Are you sure? I- I could have sworn I told you.

Karen: No, Paul, you didn’t tell me. I think I would have remembered if you’d told me your father chews your food for you and spits it up into your mouth!

Mom: Do you need some butter, Karen?

Dad: I know I do. (butters his bread)

Paul: Karen, did we not have a wonderful first date?

Karen: Well… yes, it was great. It’s just that, you know, right now I’m feeling incredibly uncomfortable.

Dad: Well you’re going to feel even more uncomfortable if you miss out on this delicious sourdough. Paul?

Paul: Yeah.

(DAD spits bread into his mouth)

Karen: Ok, isn’t there any other way you guys can do that?

Dad: He’s got no saliva!

Paul: Dad, don’t ruin this.

Dad: No, Paul, I’m not going to ruin anything, but I get tired of this! Now Karen, do you have any idea how many women Paul has brought here for dinner that just turn around and run through that front door after the first regurgitation! But you’ve stayed! You’ve stayed for three!

Paul: Dad, please!

Dad: It needs to be said, son. There’s something special about you, Karen. I could tell it when I shook your hand. But maybe I was wrong.

Nathan: (entering) Mommy, Mommy! Joey’s dad took me to McDonald’s and he got me an apple pie!

Mom: Oh, that’s great honey!

Nathan: Hi, I’m Nathan, I’m Paul’s little brother. Hi, Paul.

Karen: Hi, Nathan, I’m Karen.

Nathan: Mommy, can I have some of my apple pie now?

Mom: Sure, sweety. Of course, yeah. (moves to bite the pie)

Nathan: No, no, I want Karen to chew it. Will Karen chew my apple pie for me?

Mom: Honey, you’re going to have to ask Karen that.

Nathan: Karen, would you… would you chew my pie for me?

(Aimee Mann’s “Wise Up” plays, over close-ups on everyone)

Karen: Nathan… I would love to chew this apple pie for you. (bites apple pie, chews it up, spits it into NATHAN’s mouth)

Nathan: Yay, yay! Apple pie!

Paul: Karen, I think I’m falling in love with you.

Karen: Oh, me too! Let’s have some dessert!

(KAREN chews more pie and feeds it to PAUL by making out with him)

Submitted by: David Faraci

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

The Bloder Brothers

Clair…..Ana Gasteyer
Cindy…..Julianna Margulies
Kip Bloder…..Jimmy Fallon
Wayne Bloder…..Chris Parnell

[FADE IN on carports with “MARRIOTT MARQUIS HOTEL” printed on the side of each awning. FADE to the empty bar. Clair, the bartender is wiping down the bar when Cindy walks in smoking a cigarette.]

Clair: Hi. What can I get you?

Cindy: [quickly] Mandarin Cosmopolitan–you know what, make it two of ‘em.

Clair: Long day?

Cindy: [sounding stressed out] I just spent eight hours sitting through a realty workshop.

Clair: Ughhh. Sounds rough. I tell you what, I’ll give you two, all right? They’re both on me. My name’s Clair, if you need anything.

Cindy: [smiles] Oh, thanks, I’m Cindy.

Clair: Nice to meet you.

[CUT back to a wider shot of the bar. Two dorky-looking young men have suddenly appeared sitting very low at the bar to Cindy’s right. Both have very curly hair; one wears a suit, and the other a dark orange sweater.]

Wayne: Uh, we couldn’t help overhearing you order a “Mandarin Cosmopolitan”?

Kip: Uh, we were thinking about ordering one, too–uh, hope it’s a drink!

[Both men laugh stupidly for a long moment.]

Wayne: I hope it’s not a new car. [both laugh] I’m already driving a piña colada.

[They keep laughing as Cindy smokes her cigarette and stares at them in disbelief.]

Kip: My name’s Kip Bloder, this is my brother Wayne.

Cindy: [dryly] That would make you the Bloder brothers.

[Both of them again laugh stupidly.]

Wayne: We got a live one here–not like the ones in our basement.

[forced laughter]

Kip: Don’t be afraid. [laughs]

Wayne: Be VERY afraid. [laughs]

Kip: No, really, don’t be afraid, uh, we’re only kidding.

Wayne: Or ARE we?

[forced laughter]

Clair: Wayne, Kip, why don’t you leave the lady alone?

Cindy: Oh, don’t worry, Clair. I don’t think these Muppets here could hurt me.

[The brothers laugh as if shocked by her words.]

Kip: Well, I, for one, just changed my name to Elmo. Tickle me… [laughs]

Wayne: Uh, can you tell me how to get to “Sesame Street”?

Kip: No, but I can tell you how to get to “Insult Boulevard.” [points in Cindy’s direction] It’s right over there. [both laugh]

Wayne: Good one.

[The brothers continue to laugh annoyingly.]

Wayne: Uh, I think overheard you tell the bartender your name is Cindy?

Cindy: [snuffs out cigarette] Uh, yeah, that’s right, but why don’t you just refer to me as “not in a million years”?

[Brothers laugh loudly]

Kip: Ouch!

Wayne: I felt that one. Put your gloves down, Cassius Clay!

Cindy: [grinning] I’m going for the knockout!

Kip: You are already a knockout!

[Amazingly, Cindy joins in and laughs as hard the the brothers.]

Cindy: Oh, God. I didn’t think I was gonna laugh tonight!

Kip: Want another laugh? Guess what we do for a living.

Cindy: Well, it can’t be as boring as real estate. Go ahead.

Wayne: Uh, buckle up, here it comes. [laughs]

Kip: We calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators.

Cindy: [raises finger in air] Ding, ding, ding, I think we have a winner!

[All laugh heartily]

Cindy: Or, should I say, “losah”!

Brothers: [in unison] HI-HO!!

[Cindy reaches over and digs in her box of cigarettes, but it is empty.]

Cindy: Oh, hey, I gotta go get more cigarettes, I’ll be right back. [walks off behind brothers] Why don’t you watch my seat?

[Now genuinely surprised, the brothers laugh and look at each other in disbelief.]

Clair: Boy, you guys, this is the longest time a woman has ever talked to you!

Wayne: Hey, I don’t care whose dream it is, don’t wake me!

Kip: [points to himself] More sleeping pills, please! [laughs]

Wayne: Hey, if I do wake up, please hit me with a mallet! [laughs]

[Cindy walks back in with a fresh pack of cigarettes.]

Cindy: Ohhh, I’m back. I hope you don’t mind if I smoke. [lights a cigarette]

Wayne: Um, you’re ALREADY smokin’.

[Both brothers snicker for a long moment.]

Kip: [pointing toward his throat] I’m suffering from smoke INHALATION.

Cindy: [flirtatiously] Want me to give you some mouth-to-mouth?

[All laugh]

Kip: Yikes.

Wayne: [momentarily nonchalant] Uh, you are, you’re one hot realtor, Cindy.

Cindy: [suggestively] Hey… what do you say we check out my room upstairs, huh?

[The brothers are stunned to silence.]

Wayne: Uh, I’ll, I’ll show you my piece of land if you show me yours.

Cindy: Let’s go!

[The brothers laugh nervously.]

Cindy: Let’s go up to my room. Come on, I’ve got a minibar… [in a husky, sexy voice] We’ll smoke some pot…

[The brothers appear mortified.]

Wayne: Uh, uh, uh, unfortunately, uh, we left all our pots in the kitchen.

Cindy: Come on, let’s take the party upstairs. I mean, isn’t that where all this is heading anyway?

[The brothers fidget silently.]

Cindy: [a bit pleadingly] Let’s go!

Kip: Go, go, Gadget.

Cindy: [losing patience] That’s so lame, you two are shaking like a leaf! I mean, come on, are we going or not?

Wayne: Uh, knock, knock, who’s there?

Cindy: I can’t believe this. [rises to leave] Bad Day, Part 2: I can’t even get laid by the Bloder brothers!

[Cindy stalks out of the bar.]

Clair: Nice work, gents! The earth just, uh, collided with Mars, a pig just flew by, and hell just froze over! You BLEW it, losers!

Kip: [teasingly] Why don’t you tell us what you REALLY feel?

[They begin to laugh as before.]

Wayne: I mean, we like things fast, but that was the Indy 500!

[The brothers laugh again for a moment, and then grimace in unison and begin to cry softly. They alternate laughing and crying for a moment.]

Wayne: Hey, Clair, could you call our dad and ask him to come pick us up, please?

[They keep laughing and crying by turns. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

A Message From Hillary Rodham Clinton

Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[FADE IN on a slide with red, white, and blue stripes and SUPERIMPOSE caption, “A message from Hillary Rodham Clinton.”]

Announcer: A message from Hillary Rodham Clinton!

[FADE to Hillary standing in a modest kitchen; a bottle of Mountain Dew stands on the counter next to the sink in the background. Billy Joel’s song “Captain Jack” plays briefly in the background and then dies away.]

Hillary Clinton: [in a nasal monotone] Hello, New York!

[After a blank pause, the audience cheers wildly for several seconds.]

Hillary Clinton: This week, I officially announced my candidacy to represent your state in the U.S. Senate. And I know, if I make it here, I’ll make it anywhere!

[The audience cheers loudly as Bill Clinton walks into the room behind her. When Hillary resumes, he pretends to notice the camera innocently.]

Hillary Clinton: Now, some critics called my speech wooden, and studied…

[Audience continues laughing at the President standing behind her right shoulder. He picks up a slice of pizza and starts chomping down on it.]

Hillary Clinton: …so I wanted to take this time to show you the new Hillary! The real Hillary! Up close and personal, here in my Chappaqua home, where I live with my husband of 24 years.

Bill Clinton: Don’t mind me, I’m just gettin’ a snack!

Hillary Clinton: Bill and I are here in my favorite room of the new house, the kitchen. I can’t wait to prepare some food dishes in this kitchen. Such as salads and toast. Because I LOVE cooking for my family.

Bill Clinton: [leans in past her] She is ONE HELL of a cook–I swear to God.

Hillary Clinton: Bill, do you mind? I’m talking to my fellow New Yorkers.

Bill Clinton: Sorry, honey. [walks off camera]

Hillary Clinton: You see? That was the NEW Hillary. The OLD Hillary would have yelled, “Get out of here, you camera hog.” She would have said, “This is MY campaign, for once! [raises voice] I kept my mouth shut a long time for you!!”

[Bill starts to re-enter the shot, but backs away in a flash at Hillary’s furious tone.]

Hillary Clinton: “But this is about ME!! ME!! You GOT me, Bill?!”

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: But that was the OLD Hillary. Now let me point out to you some more differences between the old Hillary and the new Hillary. The OLD Hillary was rigid, and awkward.

[SUPERIMPOSE caption at bottom reading, “OLD HILLARY: rigid, awkward.”]

Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary is loose, and easy.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “NEW HILLARY: loose, easy going.”]

Hillary Clinton: Going.

[As the audience howls with laughter, Bill pours himself a glass of Mountain Dew in the background. He drinks it while she keeps talking.]

Hillary Clinton: The old Hillary was a strident women’s libber.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “OLD HILLARY: women’s libber.”]

Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary’s had her eyes done.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “NEW HILLARY: eye job.”]

Hillary Clinton: The old Hillary was dykey, and threatening.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “OLD HILLARY: dykey, threatening.”]

Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary is motherly, and warm.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “NEW HILLARY: motherly, warm?” Over her shoulder, Bill looks at the camera in disbelief and slinks away.]

Hillary Clinton: The old Hillary was driven by blind ambition and fueled by rage over her wasted potential and her husband’s chronic skank-pronging!

[SUPERIMPOSE, “OLD HILLARY: driven by ambition,” “fueled by rage,” “married to skank-pronger.” Bill pops back in, gives a thumbs-up, and silently mouths, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” He steps out again.]

Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary has shorter hair.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “NEW HILLARY: new hairdo!!!”]

Hillary Clinton: People of New York, I WANT to be your senator. Now, Rudy Giuliani says I’m not a real New Yorker.

[Bill steps back in wearing a Yankees cap.]

Hillary Clinton: To which I say: [in Brooklyn accent] “Ey: fuhgedaboudit! I LOVE New York!!”

[Bill bursts out laughing hysterically and puts a hand on her shoulder.]

Bill Clinton: [gives thumbs-up] She is SO good, AND charming… [steps back]

Hillary Clinton: I WANT to be your senator!

[Bill starts beckoning the camera toward him. While Hillary continues droning, the camera zooms slowly in on him and crowds her out completely.]

Hillary Clinton: I’m a new woman, and a new Democrat, and I want to BE your senator. For the first time in my life, I am gonna step out of my husband’s shadow, and finally say…

Bill Clinton: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 6


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 20th, 1999

November 20th, 1999

Sting

None

John Carpenter

Cheb Mami
Donald Trump’s AddressSummary: Announcing his bid for President, Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) names “Who Wants to be a millionaire?” winner John Carpenter as his running-mate.

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Montage

Jennifer Aniston’s MonologueSummary: Jennifer Aniston didn’t bring boyfriend Brad Pitt with her this time around, but she does initiate her own version of “Fight Club” with the female cast members.

Transcript

Pretty LivingRecurring Characters: Helen Madden, Gayle Gleason.

Nick Burns, Your Company Computer GuySummary: Computer tech Nick Burns (Jimmy Fallon) makes fun of his company’s dumb employees.

Recurring Characters: Nick Burns.

Transcript

Wayne PorterSummary: Island castaway Wayne Porter (Chris Parnell) seeks re-election.

PrivolinSummary: While at a business meeting, Angela (Jennifer Aniston) breaks the fourth wall to talk about genital herpes.

Sex and the CitySummary: Carrie Bradshaw (Jennifer Aniston) tries to seduce Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) reads a few lines from his biography. Colin Quinn and Tracy morgan engage in a subliminal race debate.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush.

Transcript

Sting performs “Brand New Day”

Christmas UrchinsSummary: Urchins-for-hire, Peter (Jennifer Aniston) and Pip (Rachel Dratch) beg to their renters’ delights.

Kim PlunkettSummary: Kim Plunkett (Will Ferrell) runs again Wayne Porter for island leader.

Pokemon ParentsSummary: Mother (Jennifer Aniston) yells at her son for not caving in to the Pokemon fad.

Transcript

Sting & Cheb Mami perform “Desert Rose”

Roberta’s ThanksgivingRecurring Characters: Roberta.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 6

99f: Jennifer Aniston / Sting

Goodnights

…..Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer Aniston: Oh, thanks to Sting.. John Carpenter —

Jimmy Fallon: HERLIHY!!

Jennifer Aniston: — and the cast! Thank you!

Jimmy Fallon: HERLIHY!!

[ Will Ferrell holds up a sign that reads: “Thank You Tim Herlihy!” above John Carpenter’s head ]

SNL Transcripts