Category: 1999

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

The Zimmermans

Josh Zimmerman…..Chris Kattan
Laura Zimmerman…..Cheri Oteri
Ari…..Ben Affleck
Sales Represenative…..Horatio Sanz

[Josh and Laura walk into a car dealership talking about a Camry they had just looked at when they spot a red convertable they like….]

Laura: I like the camry honey. I really like the camry.

Josh: I know you do..

Laura: I like— oh honey, look at this one [looking at a red convertable], it’s a convertable!

Ari: (comes in talking with a middle Eastern accent) Oh wait a minute, hello! Mine eyes do see the glory of a pretty lady with excellent taste in pre-deals! [Everyone laughs] That a joke. My name is Ari.

Laura: Hi Ari!

Josh: Hello!

Ari: I am the second assistant junior vice sales rep for Kashegan Motors. Welcome! Welcome! This is my place!

Josh: I’m Josh Zimmerman and this is my wife Laura.

Ari: Hi! Welcome Welcome!

Laura: Ari, I have to tell you, I think this car is absolutely stunning. I really do!

Ari: Well, I’ll have to telly ou something sister, you have a good eye! She is the calssics, very limited, 1988 Chysler Le Baron. Only 15 million made.

Josh: Really? Only 15 million [meanwhile Laura walks over to the hood of the car examining it]

Ari: Yep, very exclusive. And the other thing is, shes got a nice tight compact little body. You know bro? [slaps Josh on the back]

Josh: [looking at Laura] You can say that again.

Ari: [confused] What?

Laura: [looking at the car’s hood] I like that.

Josh: [coming up behind Laura] Shes got a nice…

Laura: [looking turned on] Oh!

Josh: tight…

Laura: [barely able to control herself] Don’t!

Josh: Compact….

Laura: [gasping while turning around] Shut your mouth!

Josh: BODY!

Laura: [gasps loudly] You bastard! Come here![she lays on the hood of the car and pulls Josh on top of her and the continue to go at it]

Ari: [astounded by what he has seen] Bro! Hey homeys! Alright, I think the car is getting jealous! [Everyone laughs]

Laura: [laughing] The car’s getting jealous!

Josh: Very funny!

Laura: He’s like a middle Eastern Paul Reiser!

Josh: But younger!

Laura: Yeah!

Ari: Thats cool! Thats cool! Im Arminian but don’t worry about it. I have to tell you homey, boy, this baby is loaded with extras! Comes complete full of everything! I tell you, you take car now, buy it! It’s good! One speaker, mono, A.M. stereo. BOOM! BANG! DEAD! DONE! And unlike most modern version models, this not going to bog you down with air conditioning!

Josh: Right, right!

Laura: [looking at the inside of the car] Can I get in?

Ari: Yeah sure! [patting the interior of the seat] By the way, this is the finest in Barithian leather.

Laura: Oh, barithina, honey! Oh honey, you have to put your hands on this seat!

Josh: [standing behind Laura rubbing the seat] Oh yeah, that is nice!

Laura: [rubbing the seat] You like the way that seat feels?

Josh: Yeah!

Laura: What do yyou want to do with it? What do you want to do with the seat? [grinding up against Josh] What do you wanna do?

Josh: What do you want me to do? You want me to f—–(not finishing the word)

Laura: Oh, I want you to f—

Josh: Yeah! Tell me you want me to f—!

Laura: Oh I want you to f—-(at this point both are in car and Josh is grinding his hips into the back of Laura)

Josh: Tell me you want me, you want me to f—!

Laura: [sounding aroused] Oh yeah! I want you to f—-!

Josh: Yeah! I’m gonna…[car horn honks while his mouth is moving] SO HARD!!! You watch me…[once again, the car horn beeps while he is talking]

Laura: [Oh yeah? Well you better…[car horn beigns honking as she is talking] until I can’t walk!!

Josh: Oh![bends Laura over the windshield of the car adn they go at it]

Ari: Hey bro! Bro, bro-heim! Homey! We don’t, we don’t do that here! That not good. Maybe you should get a room, you know Motel 6 take polaroid or something, get naked—

Laura: [interuptting] Hey noe! What the– Come on noe! That was not neccesary!

Josh: [yelling] Hey potty mouth! Why don’t you sell us a car huh?!

Laura: Not neccessary!

Josh: yeah, not neccesarry!

Ari: Okay. I apologize bro-heim. It’s cool. I just thought that, you know, it was… Ah, nevermind! Oh, look at this, this a convertable top, that means it goes up and down! And you can have some cool Hollywood fun in this one baby!

Josh: Hollywood fun, huh?

Ari: It has cruising control and the windshield wipers work! They go back and forth. And just because we are home snakes, I throw in free, complimentary windshield wiper fluid. Right now I do it for free, but 24 hours forget it! [now Laura is in the driver’s seat and Josh is in the passenger seat]

Josh: Laura turn the wipers on! I want to see them work!

Laura: Well, I’m looking for thing that turns it on but I can’t find it.

Josh: You want to find the windshield wiper button for you?

Laura: Baby, if I can’t find it, you certainly can’t.

Josh: Honey?

Laura: What?

Josh: Just relax and let me try to find it.

Laura: [throwing her hands in defeat] Ok, go.

Josh: [bends down, from the camara’s point of view it looks like his face is in between her legs and he makes a noise] Is that it?

Laura: [in a bored tone] No.

Josh: [makes another noise] That?

Laura: No.

Josh: [continues to work] That?

Laura: [suddenly her attention is jump started!] Oh! You’re getting closer!

Josh: Yeah?

Laura: Yeah! Keep workin! Just keep workin dadddy!

Josh: That it?

Laura: Keep workin daddy! Just keep workin![Josh continues to work] Oh yeah! Momma likes! Momma likes!

Ari: Hey homey I’ll show you! Its right here [points to a button]

Josh: [shooting up] Hey I know how to drive okay?

Laura: [grabs his hair] Don’t you stop looking until you find it you bastard! Keep looking! [pushes him down] Thats it! Thats it! Oh yeah!! [shes barely able to control herself] YES! YES! THATS IT![stands up in the seat and wiper fluid sprays all over her face] Wipers work!

Josh: Wipers work!

Ari: Bro, bro-heim. I think you just sold ME this car! [everyone laughs]

Laura: He’s like Gilbert Baudford!

Josh: Yeah, yeah, yeah! We should take this guy home, seriously!

Ari: I may like that, you never know!

Laura: I just thought of something. There’s only one problem with this car.

Ari: What? Oh no..!

Laura: No. I don’t know how to drive a stick.

Josh: [rubbing Laura’s arm] Honey, don’t worry about it, I’ll teach you.

Laura: [laughs sarcastically] You gonna teach me how to work that stick?[pushes Josh]

Josh: Hey watch it![Laura pulls his hair] watch the hair!

Laura: You gonna teach me how to work taht stick? Huh? [continutes to push him]

Josh: Yeah I might teach you that!

Laura: [slapping him] You gonna teach me how to work that stick?

Josh: I might teach you that1[slaps Laura] Oh! Sorry about that!

Laura: Thats alright!

Josh: don’t toucht aht stick!

Laura: Im gonna touch it!

Josh: DOn’t touch it!

Laura: Im gonna touch it!

Josh: Don’t touch that stick!

Laura: I’m gonna touch it! Im gonna touch that big hard stick!

Ari: [excited] LET HER TOUCH THE GOD-DAMN STICK BRO!

Laura: Uh-oh! Does Arry want me to put it in first[pushes him] Huh Ari? You want me to put it in first Arry?[tries to lick him]

Ari: Hey, whoa! If its okay wiht your old man, I don’t mind!

Laura: Don’t worry about him! You want me to put in drive Ari? [slaps him]

Ari: Oh, I like this! You bad girl [slaps her ass] You get in trouble! I give it to you!

Laura: I’m bad! I’m bad!

Ari: DOn’t pysch me up now girl!

Laura: you want me to put it in drive [slaps him]

Ari: Oh I like it!

Laura: Yeah! You want me to put it in drive?

Ari: Oh yeah baby!

Laura: [grabs his ears] Yeah, yeah1[grabs his shirt collar] Oh you, hot…

Ari: Yeah…..[becoming turned on]

Laura: Sweaty….[pulls him closer to her]

Ari: Yes…

Laura: Stinky [very close]

Ari: That’s me!

Laura: No ass [pulls him as close as she can]

Ari: That’s true…

Laura: Pig! [ she grinds up against him slightly while leaning in for a kiss]

Ari: OH MY GOD!!! You can touch my stick baby!! It’s like a baby’s arm [pulls down his pants to reveal his package and Laura screams]

Laura: Oh my God! Oh My GOD!!! HOney I saw it! It was awful, it was awful!

Josh: You sick son of a bitch! [runs out the car and chokes Ari] We come in here to buy a car and you show your little horn to my wife!!! [holding Laura while she is crying] I know honey. I know.

Laura: It was awful! [mean while another sales rep runs out of the office screaming at Ari]

Sales Rep: No more baby’s arm! You’re fired!

Ari: But its cool Hollywood swinging bro!

Sales Rep: FIRED!!!

Laura: [hugging the sales rep] I saw it! It was awful.

Sale Rep: I know, I know. I’m sorry.

Laura: Oh, you’re sorry? How sorry are you? [grinds her hips into his pelvis] Oh yeah, how sorry are you? [she slaps him]

[She continues to do this while the camera fades out.]

Submitted by: Katie

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 8th, 2000

Jamie Foxx

Blink-182

None

Ryan Shiraki

John Goodman

Lorne Michaels
Hillary’s DepartureSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) is more interested in talking to Vladmir Putin (Will Ferrell) over the phone than in bidding newly-elected senator Hillary (Ana Gasteyer) goodbye.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Jamie Foxx’s MonologueSummary: Oliver Stone (Will Ferrell) interrupts Jamie Foxx’s monologue to direct him through it.

Recurring Characters: Al Pacino.

Hamburger Helper AntibacterialTranscript

Puff & Jennifer in TherapySummary: Jennifer Lopez (Cheri Oteri) and Puff Daddy (Jamie Foxx) try to salvage their relationship with a therapy session.

Recurring Characters: Puff Daddy, Jennifer Lopez.

Transcript

Blackjack’s BitchSummary: In the middle of the night, prison inmate Aaron (Will Ferrell) wants reassurance that he’s still Blackjack’s (Jamie Foxx) bitch.

Transcript

A Special Message From John GoodmanSummary: Despite Linda Tripp’s recent weight loss, John Goodman vows to continue doing his usual impression of her.

Transcript

Nick Burns, Your Company Computer GuySummary: Nick Burns (Jimmy Fallon) faces a spaghetti western-style showdown with employee Andy (Jamie Foxx).

Recurring Characters: Nick Burns.

Transcript

Tracy Confronts JamieSummary: Tracy Morgan is pleased that black actor Jamie Foxx is hosting this week’s show.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Stevie Wonder, Jasper Hahn.

Blink-182 performs “All The Small Things”

It’s Showtime At The Apollo!Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.

Stereotypically JeffreySummary: Chet (Horatio Sanz) takes the heat for only noticing that new employee Jeffrey (Tracy Morgan) is black.

Transcript

Blink-182 performs “What’s My Age Again?”

A Martin Luther King Day MomentRecurring Characters: Martin Luther King, Jr.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 9

99i: Jamie Foxx / Blink-182

Blackjack’s Bitch

Aaron…..Will Ferrell
Blackjack…..Jamie Foxx
Bobo…..Tim Meadows
Chaco…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, prison, night ]

[ dissolve to interior jail cell, four inmates lying asleep between two bunk cots ]

Aaron: [ on top right cot ] Hey! Blackjack! Psst! Blackjack? You awake?

Blackjack: [ on top left cot ] Who is that?

Aaron: It’s me — Aaron.

Blackjack: [ shakes his head ] Oh.. hey, man.. What’s wrong with you? You having trouble sleeping?

Aaron: Yeah. A little bit. [ pause ] Hey! Do you mind if I ask you a question?

Blackjack: Go ahead.

Aaron: Don’t you think the food here is bad?

Blackjack: Now, is that really what you want to ask me, man?

Aaron: [ shakes his head and smiles] Oh, Blackjack, you know me too well! Okay.. I’ll juat ask you, then. It’s just something that’s been on my mind for a while, and… maybe I’m just insecure, but — am I still your bitch?

Blackjack: Huh? Man, what kind of silly question is that? Of course you still my.. BITCH!

Aaron: [ surprised ] Really? You’re not just saying that because you know I want to hear it?

Blackjack: No, man, I’m not just saying that. I mean, everybody knows that, man — you Blackjack’s BITCH! Huh? I mean… that’s the way it’s ALWAYS been, and, as far as I know, that’s the way it’s always gonna be. Nothin’ gonna change that!

Aaron: [ slightly worried ] As far as you know?

Blackjack: Yeah, that’s what I said. [ Aaron frowns ] Why you lookin’ at me all crazy, man?

Aaron: What does “As far as you know“, mean?

Blackjack: Look, I don’t know, man. I just said it. Why you actin’ all… crazy?

Aaron: I don’t know! I — I — I just feel CRAZY sometimes, like I’m… gonna do something crazy! I just feel like you’re very distant from me sometimes.

Bobo: Hey, man, what’s goin’ on? Why y’all makin’ all that noise?

Aaron: Oh. I’m sorry, Bobo. It’s my fault.

Blackjack: Aaron, look — [ to Bobo ] aaron is actin’ all crazy and everything like that, man. He wants to know if I still consider him my bi-otch!

Bobo: Oh, come on, man! Everybody knows that Aaron is Blackjack’s bitch!

Aaron: Are — are you serious? People still say that?

Bobo: Oh, all the time!

Blackjack: See? That’s what I’m sayin’, man! I ain’t sayin’ it just to be nice! It’s the God’s honest truth, man. Plain and simple — You my BITCH!!

[ beneath Blackjack, Chaco wakes up ]

Chaco: [ in a high whisper ] Blackjack really means it, Aaron!

Aaron: Oh, Chaco? Did I wake you up, too? I feel awful!

Chaco: It’s alright, Aaron. Listen… I known Blackjack for a long time — longer than ANYBODY! Longer than Bobo… longer than Double-Man… even longer than Little Joe. Believe me, when he makes you his bitch, it’s FOREVER! [ pause ] Until he kills you. [ returns to sleep ]

Bobo: Straight up, you dumb white piece of ass!

Aaron: Hey! Easy, Bobo.

Bobo: I do NOT like you!

Aaron: You know what? When I really sit down and think about it… I think I just feel insecure ’cause — ’cause I watch you, Blackjack, and you’re sitting here talking with Chaco and Bobo, and you guys are laughing it up and having a great time and… and then you don’t to me in the same way, and it feels weird, really.

Blackjack: Hey, look, man, let me give it to you straight, man — sure, I have a good time with Bobo, and Chaco and everything, and we laugh it up, and we — we talk about prison stories that are boh entertaining… and grisly. But… the thing about it is, I don’t rap to them like I rap to you… but do I buy them presents? Huh? Who’s the guy who got you the toothbrush with the razor blade on the end of it? Huh?

Aaron: You can’t buy me.

Blackjack: I did buy you. I bought you from Hector for thirty cigarettes and a jug of toilet wine.

Aaron: [ he nods ] You’re right.

Blackjack: Hey, man, look — look, man, look — in the end… Aaron, you’re always gonna be my BITCH! Okay? And there ain’t NOBODY… gonna take that away… ’til I kill your ass!

Aaron: Oh, Blackjack! [ relieved ] I sometimes don’t know what to do with me! [ he chuckles ] Thanks for being so real, man.

Blackjack: No problem. Now, sweet dreams — BI-OTCHHHH!!

Chaco: I second that, little bitch!

Bobo: Yeah, you dumb, white little bitch!

Aaron: [ laughs ] Guys! I think I get the point!

[ they all laugh heartily and returns to sleep ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 9

99i: Jamie Foxx / Blink-182

A Special Message From John Goodman

…..John Goodman

Announcer: And now, a special message from former castmember John Goodman.

John Goodman: Thank you, Don Pardo. I think you made a mistake, though. I was never a castmember.

Announcer: Good Lord, you sure do hang out a lot for a guy who doesn’t work here.

John Goodman: Well, these last two years, I have hung out here whenever they needed me to play Linda Tripp in a sketch. It was revealed this week that Ms. Tripp has undergone some extensive plastic surgery. She’s also dyed her hair, had liposuction and lost over forty pounds. Now, many people feel she was driven to cosmetic surgery because she was relentlessly mocked by some late-night comedy show. I’ve always considered my impression more of an homage, but.. maybe she took it the wrong way. After seeing the photos, I got a call from Lorne Michaels saying that if I still wanted to play Linda Tripp, all I would have to do is lose some weight, and he would pay for the plastic surgery. Now, I love comedy, but there’s certain things I won’t do for a laugh, and losing forty pounds is one of them. But I’m still playing her! When Linda goes to jail in Maryland, look for me! In fact, I might even slap on another twenty! [ laughs manaically ]

Announcer: This has been a message from John Goodman.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 9

99i: Jamie Foxx / Blink-182

Hamburger Helper Antibacterial

Salesman … Chris Parnell
Husband … Will Ferrell
Wife … Ana Gasteyer

[open on Husband and Wife walking down a grocery aisle]

[Salesman runs up to them]

Salesman: Excuse me! Excuse me. What are you folks having for dinner tonight?

Wife: We’ve got some hamburger in the fridge.

Husband: Yeah.

Salesman: Oh! Great. How long’s it been there?

Wife: 5 days.

Husband: 2 days.

Salesman: [chuckles] Why don’t you try this? It’s new Hamburger Helper Antibacterial. Hamburger Helper Antibacterial combines a tangy tomato sauce, delicate spices, and Tristanex–a power antibacterial agent.

[graphic: (diphenyltristinate)]

This hamburger has been in the trunk of my car for over a week. Let’s add some Tristanex. Massage vigorously into the meat, add the noodles and seasoning, and simmer. [sniffs] That acrid smell means it’s working.

[graphic: Avoid prolonged contact with skin]

Even the freshest raw meat has it’s problems.

[graphic: e. coli 257.154]

But with Hamburger Helper Antibacterial, germ volume is cut almost in half.

[graphic: Reduced 37.99%]

Wife: [takes a bite] It stings a little at first, but then it’s really good.

Husband: Can I have more? … a lot more?

Announcer: Try Hamburger Helper Antibacterial. And say so long to salmonella with new Chicken Helper with chlorine bleach.

Submitted by: Mikemenn

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 9

99i: Jamie Foxx / Blink-182

Stereotypically Jeffrey

Randall…..Chris Parnell
Female Employee…..Ana Gasteyer
Angry Black Employee…..Jamie Foxx
Jeffrey…..Tracy Morgan
Chet…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on employees chatting with one another in the office ]

Randall: Finally, after two hours of sweaty palms and pacing, I got the nerve to walk up to her and say, “Hey, let’s get it on!”
[ everyone laughs ]

Female Employee: So, what did she say?

Randall: Well.. she turned out to be one of those – what do you call them – store mannequins.

Angry Black Employee: Man, that’s nasty.

Randall: Women. You can’t live with them, you can’t live without them!

Female Employee: It was a mannequin.

Jeffrey: [ getting up ] Hey, listen, I would love to hang here all day with y’all, but I gotta go call Donnelly by three.

Female Employee: Take it easy, Jeffrey.

Angry Black Employee: Good luck with Donnelly, man.

Jeffrey: Alright, thanks. [ exits ]

Randall: [ sitting down ] What a great guy.

Female Employee: You know, he really is. I’m so glad he was hired.

Angry Black Employee: Yeah, Jeffrey’s cool!
[ Chet enters the break room ]

Chet: Hey, everyone.

Angry Black Employee: Hey, Chet! What’s up, man?

Female Employee: You just missed Jeffrey.

Chet: Oh.. I don’t think I know him..

Angry Black Employee: Oh, yes, you do. He’s about 5’11”, 190.

Chet: No.

Female Employee: He’s got that really great smile?

Chet: Uh.. I don’t know who you’re talking about..

Randall: He was just hired last month.

Chet: Oh! The black guy!

Angry Black Employee: [ twitching in anger ] Wow.. man, is that what he is to you – the black guy!

Chet: No, uh.. I just didn’t know who you were talking about..

Angry Black Employee: In other words, his skin is his only identity? so, skin is the only thing you see when you see him, huh? You just see “Jeffrey, the Black Guy”, not “Jeffrey, the Guy with the Great Smile”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy’s Who There For His Friend”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Loves Movie Trivia”?

Chet: No. I didn’t say that..

Angry Black Employee: Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Speaks French – Bon Journee.” Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Took Care of My Son When He Was Sick.” To you, he’s just some Black Guy. You’ll never know “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Likes to Play Basketball”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Likes to Runs Fast”.. or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Really Loves Fried Chicken”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who’s Real Good at Dancing.” No! Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Used to Steal Cars.”

Randall: Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Calls People ‘Jive Turkeys’.”

Angry Black Employee: Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Has 15 Kids”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Smokes Crack.” How about “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Used to Work as a Train Porter”, or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Wants to Kidnap Some White Women”? Huh? Or “Jeffrey, the Guy Who Has a Large Penis”. No! You just think he’s “Jeffrey, the Black Guy.” You make me sick.

Chet: Hey.. all that stuff you said was racist!

Angry Black Employee: How so?

Chet: Smoking crack, kidnapping white women.. it’s horrible!

Female Employee: It’s who Jeffrey is!

Angry Black Employee: Look, it’s people like you who turn everything into a stereotype! I draw.. but does that make me all black people draw? I like to drive-by, and hang with my baby’s momma on the street corner. Uh-uh, does that make me just another black guy to you?

Randall: You know, I’m a white guy, and I love to sleep in a Batman costume and expose myself to tollbooth operators! Does that mean all white people do that?

Female Employee: Shut up, Randall!

Chet: Look, I’m sorry if I offended anybody. I didn’t mean it.

Angry Black Employee: Alright, man, you’re forgiven this time.

Female Employee: Sorry to take you down so hard.

Chet: Hey, how about if I took everyone out to lunch?

Randall: That sounds great.

Chet: We can ride my burro over to my adobe hut, and have tacos with Pepe and the other fifty guys that hang out in his hatchback. They’re really nice guys, they really are.

Angry Black Employee: [ putting his arm around Chet’s shoulder ] Hey, man.. that sounds nice, man. Real nice.

[ everyone exits the breakroom – a minute later, Jeffrey re-enters, grabs someone’s laptop computer, stuffs it inside his jacket and leaves again ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 9

99i: Jamie Foxx / Blink-182

Nick Burns, Your Company Computer Guy

Andy…..Jamie Foxx
Employee 1…..Horatio Sanz
Employee 2…..Chris Kattan
Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon

Andy: Hey, weren’t we supposed to have a company meeting about that uh….. brand new programming system?

Employee #1: Yeah, I think they’re sending the computer guy, Nick Burns, over to answer any questions.

Employee #2: I don’t like that guy.

Andy: It must be about the upgrade to the server.

Employee #1: Hey, do they have to upgrade because of Y2K?

[ Nick Enters ]

Nick Burns: Considering we work with Macintosh and they’ve always been Y2K compatible, I’d say NO.

Theme Song: “Nick Burns, the computer guy. He’ll fix your computer, then he’s going to make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, the company’s computer guy.”

Nick Burns: Over the holidays, we upgraded to the latest version of Microsoft Outlook and changed the server login ID.

Andy: So what’s the new login ID?

Nick Burns: Bradford Company slash your last name dot your first name.

Employee #2: Is there a space after Bradford?

Nick Burns: If you want it not to work, yeah. But if you want it to work smoothly, don’t use the space.

Employee #1: Hey, Nick.

Nick Burns: NO, its not case sensitive.

Employee #2: Yeah, I’m still having a little problem.

Nick Burns: Yeah, I’m having three problems. [ acknowledges the room ] What is it?

Employee #2: I just can’t find my personal address book.

Nick Burns: Did you import it from the Outlook program?

Employee #2: I think I downloaded it.

Nick Burns: You downloaded it? Well, that’s amazing considering it’s impossible. You have to import it.

Employee #2: Import through my folder…?

Nick Burns: MOVE! [ sits down ] I’m gonna teach you a lesson here. First, you open up the folder file import in the downlock box. Open Outlook 6.0 folder, find address file, and click import. Was that so hard?

Employee #2: Yeah, actually it was.

Nick Burns: They teach this kind of stuff on “Blue’s Clues”. Who’s next?

Employee #1: Hey, Nick. Happy New Year, buddy.

Employee #2: Yeah, right, maybe for you. I’m still teaching computers to dimwits!

Employee #1: I have two questions.

Nick Burns: Lemme guess, what color are your shoes, and when’s lunch?

Employee #1: C’mon, man. Look, I need to know if the new login changes my e-mail address.

Nick Burns: Of course it doesn’t, what else?

Employee #1: I can’t find my calendars.

Nick Burns: Well, genius, your hard drive doesn’t have an infinite amount of space. I had to delete that stuff to install the upgrade.

Employee #1: Is it in my view folder?

Nick Burns: [ laughs ] There’s no such thing as a view folder. LOL, semicolon, parentheses. MOVE! [ taps a few keys ] There you go, was that so hard? [ to Andy ] What’s your problem?

Andy: I just needed the logon ID.

Nick Burns: It’s like I said, Bradford Company-

Andy: I know, Bradford Company slash first name dot slash last name. I got it.

Nick Burns: You know everything. What else, what else is your problem? I don’t wanna come back here.

Andy: I figured it out already.

Nick Burns: [ curious ] Oh, really. Did you recover your bookmarks?

Andy: I imported them with my address book.

Nick Burns: What about your plugins?

Andy: Already installed them.

Nick Burns: I hope you didn’t clog up your memory doing it.

Andy: Oh, don’t worry about it, I didn’t!

Employee #2: Hey, Nick? I can’t print. What happened to my print thing?

Nick Burns: Here we go. Geez Louise.

Andy: Just hit Apple P, and it will print.

Employee #2: [ tries it ] Oh, wow, thanks Andy.

[ Andy makes a victory move ]

Nick Burns: Yeah, yeah, you could do it that way, or you could go to the print icon that’s on the left side of the screen.

Employee #2: No. This is faster. Thanks, Andy.

Nick Burns: OK, I’m gonna go. One last question, Andy. [ theme from “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly” plays ] Did you configure a rampartition for the new version of Outlook?

Andy: I didn’t think it was necessary.

Nick Burns: Well, if you wanna use your plug-ins, yes, it is. Do you know how to do it?

Andy: Yes, first, I click on the application to highlight.

Nick Burns: Then what?

Andy: Then I go to new file menu.

Nick Burns: Lucky guess.. then what?

Andy: And then I- I ah…..I-I think I ah….

Nick Burns: [ hovers ] You don’t know what to do, do you? You need old Nick’s help.

Andy: No, no, no, I can figure it out I think I just need to, uh…

Nick Burns: Well?, well? MOVE! [ taps a few keys ] There you go, its not so easy, is it, partner? [ returns Andy’s victory move ] I’m gonna go down to the third floor. Gotta teach those buffoons the new program, I’m outta here. Oh, by the way, you’re welcome.

Theme Song: “‘Cause he’s Nick Burns, your company’s computer guy.”

Submitted by: Ben Brophy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 9

99i: Jamie Foxx / Blink-182

J Lo’s and Puff Daddy’s Couple’s Counseling

Jennifer Lopez…Cheri Oteri
Puff Daddy….Jamie Foxx
Doctor….Tim Meadows

[Opens with a nice office. JLo and Puff Daddy dressed in a white mink coat and hat sit across from the doctor]

Doctor: Ok. Taking this step into couple’s counseling is a very important first step. I commend both of you. Now, I understand you’re having some problems recently.

Jennifer Lopez: Ok, its the same problem we keep having over and over. Puffy and I go out, we have a good time and then somebody gets shot.

Puff Daddy: [rapping] I thought I told you that nobody got shot, I thought I told you that nobody got shot….that’s a good song, you know what I’m saying?

Doctor: So Puff…is that what happens?

Puff Daddy: Unh-unh…its like, its what I’m saying. First of all, can I give it up for Big? I want to give it up for Big.[points to the sky]

Jennifer Lopez: Puffy, Biggie’s not here,ok? He’s dead. Just shut up and go.

Puff Daddy: I’m saying, I’m just out there trying to do my thing, I’m trying to drink some Crystal with Jennifer, you know what I’m saying? Maybe write a few songs, you know what I’m saying? But its always a misunderstanding, somebody always getting shot, I’m just trying to give it up to Big, you know what I’m saying?[points to the sky]

Jennifer Lopez: See, Puffy gets crazy overprotective over me. He needs to understand that I’m valuable property, all right?

Doctor: Exactly what do you mean by that, Jennifer?

Jennifer Lopez: Well, for example.[points her tits] These are insured for $200,000 each, all right? [points her crotch] These is insured for $700,000. Ok? And this [turns to show her big ass] Mama’s seata? That’s priceless, all right?

Puff Daddy: See, that’s what I’m talking about, sometimes I think, like Jennifer’s ass, it like, attracts a bad element, you know what I’m saying? It’s big. It’s like a campfire, and it like, it radiates heat so all bugs want to warm their hands in there, you know what I’m saying? And then I got to beat them down, I just want to give it up for Biggie.[points to the sky]

Jennifer Lopez: Yeah, Biggie, Biggie….hey, at least my ass didn’t beat up a record executive, right?

Puff Daddy: You know what? That was a flagrant mis—interpreration.

Jennifer Lopez: Yeah, right. That’s what you say.

Puff Daddy: You know what I’m saying? Those are so-called facts. Calm your heels, supersalsa.

Jennifer Lopez: All right, ok. Don’t call me supersalsa. I’ll kick your Hampton’s ass back to Harlem!

Doctor: Calm down. Puffy, before today’s session I asked you to write down your feelings. Did you do that?

Puff Daddy: Yes, I did , I did.

Jennifer Lopez: Did you do it?

[Puff takes a piece of paper out of his coat and a gun falls out on the table and fires]

[BANG!]

Jennifer Lopez: Puff!

Puff Daddy: Oh, snap! I don’t know how that got in there. The playa haters always planting guns on me, cause Puff don’t roll like that, you know what I’m saying? [throws the gun over the couch and it fires again]

[BANG!]

Jennifer Lopez: Puff! See? That’s what I’m talking about.

Puff Daddy: You want this ring or something? I’ll pay for that, you know what I’m saying?

Jennifer Lopez: See?

Doctor: You want to read what you…

Puff Daddy: Yeah, I want to read it right here. I was working on it like, late last night making up some new stuff.

Jennifer Lopez: Just read it, Puff.

Puff Daddy: “Shout, shout, let it all out, this are the things I can do without, come on, you know what I’m saying? I’m talking to you, come on”

Doctor: Puffy, that’s “Tears for Fears”.

Jennifer Lopez: Puff, you can’t sample somebody else’s feelings. Try to be original.

Puff Daddy: I got an original idea. Why don’t you take some singing lessons. What’s up with that?

Jennifer Lopez: Hey! I won the MTV Video Award for Best New Ass! Mr. Good Humor Man!

Doctor: Ok, that’s enough. Ok, Puffy, I think that your aggressive behavior is compensating for an inferiority complex.

Puff Daddy: What you talking about? What you talkin about? [throws dollars to the doctor] I’ll lace you, man. You calling me inferior? I’ll lace you, you know what I’m saying? I’ll lace you.

Doctor: Listen Puffy, that is not gonna solve your problems but I do like it, thank you. [picks money up] Now, do you think this aggression you have may possibly stem from your childhood?

Puff Daddy: It’s not even like that, you know what I’m saying? Like, I have a good motha, I have a good fatha, you know what I’m saying?

Doctor: Motha? How do you spell that?

Puff Daddy: M-O, otha, you know, look, its all like I don’t care about this, I don’t even own a gun, you know what i’m saying? I don’t even know how to fire a gun, I never even seen the movie “Top Gun”, you know what I’m saying? I don’t even like to say the word bubblegum cause its so close to gun.[gun fires inside Puffy’s coat]

[BANG!]

Jennifer Lopez: Puff!

Puff Daddy:[takes the gun out] Oh man, what happened, I got this at Sharper Image, thought it was a lighter, you know what I’m saying? [throws it away and fires again]

[BANG!]

Jennifer Lopez: Puffy, all right, this has got to stop. [BANG!] Stop!

Doctor: All right, Jennifer. Just calm down. Ok? Take it easy. Take a deep breath.

[Jennifer inhales deeply, turns her big ass sideways and exhales forcefully, Jamie cracks up]

Doctor: Ok, thank you. Now Jennifer, I would like for you to look at Puffy and to tell him how you feel about him.

Jennifer Lopez: Puff Daddy?

Puff Daddy: What? That, that’s right.

Jennifer Lopez: I remember the first time we went out, you took me to the Hamptons….

Puff Daddy: Hamptons…

Jennifer Lopez: …to dinner to meet your friend Martha Stewart….

Puff Daddy: Stewart…

Jennifer Lopez: …and it was the greatest night of my life baby, until five people got stomped to death, all right. But then you cuddled with me and I knew you cared…

Puff Daddy: Cared…

Jennifer Lopez:…but then I reached down in your pants and felt that huge wad….

Puff Daddy:Look out…

Jennifer Lopez: …and I pulled it out and I went shopping with it! Oh! [Horny Jennifer jumps on Puff Daddy and straddles him on the couch]

Puff Daddy: Oh, oh, oh…

Doctor: Ok, please stop. Stop, stop, please stop.

Puff Daddy: Yo’, why you hatin’? Why you hatin’?[Jennifer climbs off]

Doctor: I’m sorry. I want to eat dinner later. Now Puffy, its time to tell Jennifer exactly how you feel in your own words.

Puff Daddy: All right. Just a second.

[Takes off the coat, turns on his radio. “Every Breath You Take” by The Police plays]

Jennifer Lopez: Yeah, Puff. Yeah, baby.

Puff Daddy: [dancing around] I’m there, I’m still there, you know what I’m saying? Yo’, yo’, [to the beat of the song] Jennifer your fresh and fruity the only reason I like you is your big old booty, I’m out there every day trying to make some cash, trying to find some pants that’ll fit over your ass, if you ever mess with me you know I’m a blast, you know what I’m saying? I mean….I want to give it up for Big, I want to give it up for Big. [points to the sky]

Doctor: All right, that was very nice and entertaining. I’m sorry but our time is up.

Jennifer Lopez: Thanks for curing us, doc. Ok, we’ll see you next week.

Puff Daddy: Let’s bounce, you know what I’m saying?

Doctor: All right, bye-bye.

Jennifer Lopez: Bye-bye.

[JLo and Puffy step outside the office. Automatic gunfire erupts]

[RAT-RAT-RATATATA]

[Puffy enters the office again]

Puff Daddy: Yo’ man! You better get out here quick! Two guys got shot! I don’t know what happened cause I don’t even own a gun, I don’t even watch the show “Gunsmoke”! I don’t even know how to spell the word gun!

Jennifer Lopez: He can’t spell.

[Puff Daddy points to the sky, Jennifer hauls him out of the office, Doctor calls the cops]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 9

99i: Jamie Foxx / Blink-182

Hillary Leaves the White House

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Vladmir Putin…..Will Ferrell

[ First-Lady Hillary Clinton is packing for her New York Senate campaign, while Bill talks on the phone ]

Hillary Clinton: Are you gonna help? The movers are waiting on me. Could you get up off your fat ass and help me pack these boxes?

President Bill Clinton: You know, Hillary, I would have helped you yesterday, but I had those peace talks in West Virginia. But I guess you moving is more important than peace for Syria.

Hillary Clinton: Well can you help me now?

President Bill Clinton: I wish I could, but I gotta call the new Russian president.

Hillary Clinton: Hmmph, how convenient.

President Bill Clinton: Trust me – it’s not like I don’t want to help you get on your way. [ into the phone ] Vladimir! Puttin’… Putin. Hey, how are you? Hey, it’s Bill Clinton. I was just callin’ to congratulate you.

Vladmir Putin: Well, it’s good to hear from you. I’m just getting rid of some of Yeltsin’s things. [ bottles on desk, picks one up at a time and tosses it into a box ]

President Bill Clinton: Well, you know, I am glad to hear you got that job. I thought because of your affiliation with the KGB, some people might be against you.

Vladmir Putin: [ assuringly ] Don’t worry. Those people are gone. Way gone, my friend.

President Bill Clinton: Well, I hope you win the election in March.

Vladmir Putin: Oh, I’ll win. I’ll win. My only competition is Gorbachev’s kid, Mikhail W. Gorbachev. Believe me, the Russian people aren’t stupid enough to vote for a guy just because he has his dad’s name.

President Bill Clinton: The American people are. [ laughs and holds a thumbs-up ]

Vladmir Putin: I know. And I just fired Yeltsin’s daughter. I’m trying to trim some of the fat.

President Bill Clinton: You should try Jenny Craig.

Vladmir Putin: Jenny Craig. Good one, I get it.

President Bill Clinton: [ laughing ] No, seriously, Putin, I’m concerned about the conflict in Chechnya.. [ Hillary picks up Bill’s Dilbert mug from his desk, breaking his concentration ] ..and I’m also concerned about my Dilbert mug. That stays here!

Vladmir Putin: [ confused ] Who’s Dilbert?

President Bill Clinton: I’m sorry. As I was saying. I must stress my concern about the crisis in Chechnya.

Vladmir Putin: Look, I know the war is wrong but it gives the Russian people a reason to feel proud.

President Bill Clinton: Well, I don’t think people should do something they know is wrong just because it makes them feel good. [ laughs, as Hillary gives him a dirty look ]

President Bill Clinton: [ groaning ] Oh.. not the look again. Not the look..

Hillary Clinton: I’m going to New York now.

President Bill Clinton: [ apethetic ] Okay. [ covering mouthpiece of phone ] Well, I’m sorry, it’s long distance.

Vladmir Putin: Do you need to go?

President Bill Clinton: [ to phone [ No, it’s cool.

Hillary Clinton: [ disgusted ] I’m leaving. I am leaving, and you won’t see me for two months. Don’t you even want to say goodbye?

President Bill Clinton: Goodbye.

Hillary Clinton: Is that it?

President Bill Clinton: [ holds his three middle fingers up ] Pick a finger. [ Hillary turns away, as Bill ends his phone call ] I’m sorry, I’m kidding. [ jumping up ] Honey, you’re my wife, and I need to give you a proper goodbye. I want you to come here. [ Hillary approaches Bill for a hug, but he pushes her back and gives her a handshake instead ] Good luck in all your future endevours.

Hillary Clinton: [ outraged ] Is that it?

President Bill Clinton: Yeah.. but, one last thing. [ to the camera ] Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 15th, 2000

Freddie Prinze, Jr.

Macy Gray

None

Lorne Michaels

Angie Everhart
Elian Gonzalez Press ConferenceRecurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Elian Gonzalez.

Montage

Freddie Prinze, Jr.’s MonologueSummary: Freddie Prinze Jr. is worried that his show might get cancelled when he learns that the entire cast is trying to do the show while sick with the flu.

Colonel Belmont’s Old Fashioned Horse GlueSummary: Langford T. Belmont (Will Ferrell) maintains family tradition of useing the entire horse to make a batch of glue.

Transcript

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?Summary: A high-rolling contestant (Will Ferrell) wins $100, then takes the money and runs.

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin.

Boy Band Blowout 2000Recurring Characters: Emily De La Cruz, Sara THerese Longo, Jeph, Samm, Wade, Sweet T.

Jenny Craig DinnersSummary: Monica Lewinsky (Molly Shannon) promotes the line of phallic-shaped entrees.

Recurring Characters: Monica Lewinsky.

Ugly ModelsSummary: A pair of ugly models (Rachel Dratch, Cheri Oteri) think men are attracted to them.

The Sopranos

Dr. Beaman’s OfficeRecurring Characters: Dr. Beaman.

Transcript

Charlie RoseSummary: All Ricky Martin (Chris Kattan) and Enrique Iglesius (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) have to do is look good.

Recurring Characters: Charlie Rose, Enrique Iglesius, Ricky Martin.

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

Macy Gray performs “I Try”

The Giffords At HomeRecurring Characters: Frank Gifford, Kathie Lee Gifford.

Macy Gray performs “Why Didn’t You Call Me”

Flacko And Teddy’s World of Martin Luther King Day Trees

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts