Category: 1999

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 16

99p: Christopher Walken / Christina Aguilera

Father & Son Bush

George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Former President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

[ SUPER: Capitol Building, Austin Texas ]

[ cut to interior Capitol Building, Gov. George W. Bush sipping a brew ]

George W. Bush: Man, this is cool. I’m gonna be President – that’s wicked!

Former President George Bush: [ walking in ] Watch that languagethere, Son.. That’s right, gotta watch that language..

George W. Bush: Sorry, Dad.

Former President George Bush: I know you young people want to behip! You know, you want to be like the Backstreet Boys, or Christina Agulia-lara. You know, I understand.. but you gotta get ready to debate Al Gore! Folks say you’re neck-in-neck.

George W. Bush: What a joke. He’s a wimp!

Former President George Bush: People once said that about me, George W.

George W. Bush: What?! That’s insane!

Former President George Bush: Exactly. Don’t underestimate Gore – he’s crafty! Goes this way, then that way! Look what he did to Bradley in the debates – took him out to the political woodshed, and then beat him within an inch of that big ol’ double chin!

George W. Bush: Don’t worry, Dad. I’m a reformer with results! I’m a compassionate conservative! I’m a uniter, not a divider! I’m a uniter, not a divider! I’m a uniter, not a divider..!

Former President George Bush: [ slaps his Son across the cheek ]Snap out of it!

George W. Bush: But I’m a uniter, not a divider! [ jumps back before he gets another slap ]

Former President George Bush: Don’t make me do that. Look, no one knows what the hell that means. And I wrote it and I don’t even know what the hell that means. “I’m a uniter, not a divider.” Now, let’s review our strategy. Now, to get the nomination, you successfully cozied up to the Religious Right..

George W. Bush: Right.

Former President George Bush: Cozy up right over there – I saw you! Went down to Bob Jones University down there – “Hi, Mr. Bob Jones! Love your school – very festive!” Now, you’re the nominee, time to do that dance to the middle – that middler dance over there.. where King Centrus rules, ’cause that’s where politicians get elected, that vast middle area!

George W. Bush: [ confused ] Didn’t I beat McCain by cozying up to the right?

Former President George Bush: Listen, son.. McCain wasn’t afraidto give people his honest opinions, straightforward. What a nut!

George W. Bush: Yeah, that guy was crazy! [ they laugh ] He’s a loon! [ they continue laughing ] He’s a nutbag, is what he is! [ laughs, but gets slapped in the face again ]

Former President George Bush: Now, don’t get cocky! You’re jumpy and you’re cocky. Calm down! We gotta learn from that. You gotta learn be evasive. When they ask you a question, you gotta be slipsliding away.

George W. Bush: Okay..

Former President George Bush: Slip-sliding away! [ slip-slides ]

George W. Bush: I can do that. I can be evasive!

Former President George Bush: Alright, let me see you. Let me test you. I’m gonna test you.

George W. Bush: Ask me a question..

Former President George Bush: Okay. How do you feel, there, about gun control?

George W. Bush: Well.. uh.. uh..

Former President George Bush: Slip, slip, slip, slip-sliding..

George W. Bush: Uh.. I’m not sure about gun control..

Former President George Bush: That’s good. Good!

George W. Bush: ..but there’s nothing better than tying on a 3-beer buzz and firinmg off a sawed-off 12-gauge into a beat-up old tractor!

Former President George Bush: [ shakes his head and waves his arms ] Bad! That’s bad! That’s bad! You’re making me nervous! Lord have mercy, that is terrible! Look, I’ll show you how it’s done.. now, listen, you ask me a question, you just ask me any question on the issues!

George W. Bush: [ straining ] I can’t think of one!

Former President George Bush: Come on now, I know you can do it. Anything about today’s issues.

George W. Bush: No, you’re making my head hurt. Can I just go get a Pop Tart?

Former President George Bush: No! We’re gonna work on this. Now, come on, stay with me on this. Stay frosty. Stay cool.

George W. Bush: Here’s the crap they’re always asking me. Should we use the budget surplus to pay off the National Debt?

Former President George Bush: Maybe.

George W. Bush: Is Microsoft a monopoly?

Former President George Bush: Possibly. Could be! Kind of!

George W. Bush: How about the environment?

Former President George Bush: Good.

George W. Bush: Good?

Former President George Bush: Just good.

George W. Bush: What about Social Security?

Former President George Bush: Should be very social.. andvery secure. Slip-sliding. Slip-sliding, that’s what I’m doing.

George W. Bush: Dad, you are awesome!

Former President George Bush: That’s right. Now, you try, Governor Bush. Should we send the Gonzalez boy back to Cuba?

George W. Bush: [ quick ] I don’t give a rat’s ass!

Former President George Bush:[ waving his arms ] No! No, no, no! You can’t say that! You should have said, “The little brown one – should he go or stay? Don’t know. Can’t say. Wouldn’t be prudent!

George W. Bush: [ depressed ] You’re the best. You know, Al Gore’s gonna win. I’m not gonna do it!

Former President George Bush: What do you mean you’re notgonna do it?

George W. Bush: I’m not gonna do it!

Former President George Bush: You are too gonna do it!

George W. Bush: Nah gonna do it!

Former President George Bush: You are gonna do it! Neverunderestimate a Bush. We’re sneaky, remember? Remember when you were a kid, and you ran over the neighbor’s cat? You and I snuck out that night, we put it under his back wheel so he thought he did it? [ they share the laugh ] We’re sneaky!

George W. Bush: Sneaky.

Former President George Bush: And we slip-slide away.

George W. Bush: I’m scared, Dad. What if I don’t know how to dance to the middle?

Former President George Bush: Well, you’re doing a fine job so far. I don’t want you to worry about it. Come on, don’t stress out. You’re still my boy – have a seat on Dad’s lap.. [ sits down ] ..come on over here, boy! [ George W. sits on his Dad’s lap ] There you go. You’re still my son, and I love you, and nothing’s gonna change that. I know you’re not a bright man.

George W. Bush: No.

Former President George Bush: Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. But it doesn’t matter, ’cause you’ve got to suck it up! Once you get to the White House, it’s gonna be easy riding. My friends will tell you what to do, don’t you worry.

George W. Bush: You promise?

Former President George Bush: I promise you, Son. Now, you have to promise me something. That you’re gonna work as hard as you can to be a shiny monument to vagueness. To have no definitive opinion about anything ever. Think you can do that for me?

George W. Bush: [ pause ] Maybe!

Former President George Bush: [ laughs ] I love you, Son! Restyoure head here for a minute. Let me tell you a secret – “Live, fromNew York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 16

99p: Christopher Walken / Christina Aguilera

The Census

Census-Taker…..Tim Meadows
Mr. Leonard…..Christopher Walken

Census-Taker: Mr. Leonard? I’m with the U.S. Census Bureau. We sent you a Census form, but you failed to return it to us.

Mr. Leonard: My mail is piled up like crazy.

Census-Taker: Yeah. Well, I just need to fill out this Census form with you. Uh.. how many people live in this residence?

Mr. Leonard:Oh, boy.. good question. I’m bad with numbers.. Maybe 80.

Census-Taker: 80 people live in this apartment?

Mr. Leonard: Seems high, doesn’t it? Not 80. How about 4? I don’t know.. I’m so bad at guestimating..

Census-Taker: Well, just take your time, and count.

Mr. Leonard: Okay.. there’s me.. my wife.. our plants.. we have some candy bars..

Census-Taker: Well, you know, we don’t count candy bars or plants..

Mr. Leonard: Well, then, there’s just the two of us. Boy, I really overshot with the 80!

Census-Taker: Listen, don’t worry about it. I’m gonna put you down as the Primary Resident, okay? Now, are you currently employed?

Mr. Leonard: Yeah.. part of the time.

Census-Taker: Well, you work part-time. How many days of the week?

Mr. Leonard: Every day.. but just part of the day. From 9 to 5.

Census-Taker: So, you work a full day?

Mr. Leonard: I wouldn’t say that. There are huge chunks of time.. at night.. where I’m just asleep. For hours. It’s ridiculous.

Census-Taker: No, it’s not that ridiculous. Mr. Leonard, do you own or rent this apartment?

Mr. Leonard: Sure. You have to ask one of the other 79 people.

Census-Taker: You mean your wife?

Mr. Leonard: Yeah.

Census-Taker: Well, can I talk to her, then?

Mr. Leonard: She won’t answer you. She’s a bobcat.

Census-Taker: You got a bobcat in there?

Mr. Leonard: Well, I have a permit. [ reaches into apartment and pulls out a sheet of paper ] Here you go.

Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to run a nail salon.

Mr. Leonard: Wrong one! Wrong one! [ pulls another sheet of paper out of his apartment ]

Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to do street performances.

Mr. Leonard: Yeah. My wife’s a big part of the act.

Census-Taker: [ shaking head ] You know what? Fine. [ changing subject ] Mr. Leonard, are you a citizen of the United States?

Mr. Leonard: I have dual-citizenship with the United States and Florida.

Census-Taker: Florida is a part of the United States.

Mr. Leonard: Don’t push your politics on me, pal. All’s I know is when I turned 50, I was issued a Florida passport. [ hands him the “passport” ] Here you go.

Census-Taker: [ examining “passport” ] Alright.. this is a novelty birthday card. And it says, “You’re over the hill. Here’s a passport to Florida.” This is not a real passport.

Mr. Leonard: I don’t know.. you know? Whenever I go to Florida, I show it at the border, and they always let me in!

Census-Taker: Listen, Mr. Leonard. A real passport wouldn’t have a picture of a sexy nurse on it. This is a joke card.

Mr. Leonard: Well.. it’s a hell of a forgery!

Census-Taker: [ exasperated ] Okay, let’s just proceed as if this were going really well. Now, how long have you lived at this address?

Mr. Leonard: Oh, man! There you go with the numbers again!

Census-Taker: Just take your time.

Mr. Leonard: Well, what do most people say?

Census-Taker: That’s not important!

Mr. Leonard: I feel an enormous amount of pressure to get this right. I want to win that car!

Census-Taker: [ shaking his head ] There’s no car, Mr. Leonard! How long have you lived here?

Mr. Leonard: Alright, when I moved in, it was the Spring, and Clinton was President.. I’d just gotten out of jail.. I’d say an hour.

Census-Taker: Alright, let me go over this again, then. You are a convicted criminal, living alone in an apartment with a bobcat. And you work 56 hours a week as a street performer.

Mr. Leonard: When you say it like that, my life sounds pretty damn good!

Census-Taker: You know what? I’ve talked to a lot of people all over this country.. and your life is pretty damn good. You wanna get a beer?

Mr. Leonard: You know, I’d love to, but.. [ points into apartment ] ..you know.. the ol’ ball and chain..

Census-Taker: Alright. Take care.

Mr. Leonard: Have a good one. [ returns into the apartment to find his bobcat/wife growling at him ] Again?! We just did it!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 16

99p: Christopher Walken / Christina Aguilera

The Continental

The Continental…..Christopher Walken

Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The night air is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.

[ a glove reaches for the Continental’s doorbell, as he jerks the door open ]

The Continental: Ah! [ laughing ] My wonderful one. I see you received my message. You have come to retrieve your mail. Huh? How it comes in my possession is mystery to me.. but this was yesterday. Please.. come in. [ camera enters through door ] You look so lovely. It is as though Michaelangelo sculpted you by hand.. then kept you for himself.. in a closet.. to visit on lonely nights. Would you care for a glass of champagna? [ camera shakes no ] I knew you would. I knew you enjoy champagna. How do I know this? Because I love women. I can read their mail.. I mean, mind! [ pours champagna and hands glass over ] May I read yours? I venture to say, please, you are the kind of woman who has a poster of puppies with humongous eyes hanging on your bathroom wall. Yes? Am I right? [ camera shakes no ] I have similar tattoo. Let me show you. It is tattoo of two dogs doing it. [ camera shakes no furiously before he can peel off his smoking jacket ] Okay. Please. Be seated. I continue to read your mind.

[ sits ]

I imagine a woman of such beauty as yours lives right here in this neighborhood. Yes? In fact, I bet you could see your own apartment from this very window here. [ camera glances towards window, spotting an oversized telescope against the wall ] And, may I say, you have exquisite taste in underwear! [ camera turns for the door ] Ah! Wait! Wait! Oop! Oop! [ blocks the door from his visitor ] You.. you are skittish.. like Siberian palamino.. on the frozen steps. I love that! You have what it takes to be model. Have you been on the television.. or some sort of moving picture? [ camera shakes no ] This I cannot believe. At least, tell me, you have graced the pages of some publication. [ camera shakes no ] No? Inconceivable. I have a stack of magazines.. under my bed.. you would be perfect for. Sit. Please. [ stares at her as she sits ] Wow! Wowwie-wow-wow! Boing! I never seen them from this angle. Nice! May I take photograph? [ camera shakes no ] Simple photograph? [ camera shakes no ] Be so kind, please? Huh? [ snaps picture ] Wonderful! Now.. take your top off. [ camera shakes no ] Only kidding. [ laughs ] Totally! That is.. unless you would like to? [ camera stands ] Ah! Okay. It’s a joke! Joke from old. [ puts down camera ]

Let me freshen your champagna, huh? [takes glass ] Caviar? [ shakes head no ] Did you see my painting? [ camera looks at painting on wall ] I got it from Target. [ camera turns back to see the Continental slipping a Mickey into her drink ] Oh! Wait! [ blocks her path to the door ] I never would slip you Mickey! It is merely rhinoceros horn. This makes the champagna bubble. Please.. taste this. [ holds up her glass, but she denies it ] No? Very good. [ pours champagna onto her ] Whoops! What happened? What have I done? I have spilled some wine. All over your boob. How wonderful! They look like two ripe melons.. drenched in morning dew. Wait. Let me gently wipe them.. [ takes out handkerchief, she fends him off ] You must get out of this clothing. You cannot leave like this.. you’ll catch chest cold. What kind of a cold would that be? I joke! Please.. you must dry up. I insist. Let me show you powder room, please. This way. [ points her to the half-bath ] A creature wonderful as you should not be in wet garments that cling to you so wettly. [ kisses her glove ] Wow! Here we are. [ opens door ] I leave you in peace.

[ camera enters half-bath, glances at sink, then at obscene art hanging on the wall; back to mirror, where the Continental suddenly appears on the other side as he lights a cigarette ]

The Continental: Wait! [ camera runs out of half-bath and to the door, but the Continental quickly blocks her again ] Wait! Wait, wait, wait.. Let me explain. I must vindicate myself somehow.. [ glove reaches out to choke him ] Wow! Wowee-wow-wow! [ camera mace him, he screams ] Only kidding! I have been sprayed so many times, I have developed immunity to Mace. Such is life. Champagna? Caviar? [ glove punches him in nose, knocking him to ground, camera runs through door ] Wait! [ camera glances at him sprawled on floor ] Don’t forget your mail. [ glove grabs bundle of mail from shelf ] Out!

Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25 Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

Crocodile Hunter

Steve Irwin…..Chris Kattan
Terri Irwin…..Julianna Margulies

[FADE IN on a globe which spins wildly and then pops apart to reveal the “Animal Planet” logo as an elephant is heard trumpeting in the background. FADE to various shots of wilderness scenery and wildlife.]

Terri: [narrating in a hushed voice] At almost 2000 feet, Oregon’s Crater Lake is not only the nation’s deepest lake, but one of the most beautiful. Today, on “Crocodile Hunter,” my husband Steve and I will experience the wondrous animals of Oregon.

[SUPERIMPOSE “The Crocodile Hunter, with Steve and Terri Taylor” over a bear fishing in a river. FADE to Steve and Terri standing on a forest set and wearing identical khaki outfits.]

Steve: [in a wildly exaggerated Australian accent] GOO’DAY!!! Welcome to “Crocodile Hunter,” where we explore the wonders of WIL’LOIFE! I’m here with m’ wife Terri!

Terri: [grinning broadly and waving] Hi! Steve, what are you gonna surprise us with today?

[Steve picks up a long snake as a rattle effect is heard.]

Steve: Ohhhhhhhhhh, looka this beauty here, Terri, huh?

Terri: [grinning] Oh, that’s a timber rattlesnake!

Steve: It sure is! Now, a rattlesnake’s VEEEEEEEEENOMOUS.

[Audience laughs as Steve holds the snake out at arm’s length.]

Steve: So it commands respect. Yeah, but looka his nice BODY structure, WOW. Nice, solid…

[The snake turns and bites him on the right wrist. Blood and venom go splattering into the air.]

Steve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! OWWWWWWWWWW!!!

[Terri continues grinning as Steve writhes in pain and finally pulls the snake off his wrist, which splatters blood all over both their khaki suits.]

Steve: [smiling] THE BLOKE BIT ME!! [cackles]

Terri: Whoa, Steve, looks like that rattler gotcha pretty good!

Steve: [glances at his spurting wound] Yeah, he sure did, didn’t he?!

Terri: Nature’s strong.

Steve: Yeahhhhh!

[FADE to the opening footage of rugged mountains.]

Terri: [narrating] Steve lost an awful lot of blood, but after I sucked the venom out of his hand, we settled down to a nice picnic lunch of Oregon berries and fresh farm milk, which Steve had a little trouble keeping down. [snickers] I guess there was still some poison in his system. But then we were off and ready to continue searching for more wildlife.

[Mountain lions are seen prancing across a meadow, and then CUT to Steve holding a hawk in his left hand. Blood spots can still be seen on his shirt.]

Steve: Now, this Cooper’s Hawk is one of th’ reasons I’ve traveled so far to come to th’ United STETES!!! [laughter] I’m FASCIN’T’D b’ BERDS!!! ‘Specially Hawks! Go ahead, feed ‘em, Terri!

[PAN over to Terri dangling a chunk of raw meat in her left hand.]

Terri: Oh, he’s beauuuutifuuuul!

[PAN back to Steve.]

Steve: Yeah, he sure is, WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOA! Looka those WINGS!! Now, ever’ day’s a good day when you’re a HAWK!

[PAN back to Terri dangling the chunk of meat.]

Terri: Come on, hawk! Come on!

Steve: C’mon, baby. C’mon.

[PAN back to Steve.]

Steve: Fly over there! That’s it! Go on! Go on!

[The hawk leans forward and bites Steve on his left ear.]

Steve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

[PAN back to Terri as she calmly puts down the meat and looks over to her husband.]

Steve: [off camera] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

[She waves the chunk of meat in the air for another brief moment.]

Steve: AAAAAAAAA!!!

Terri: Bye, hawk!

[PAN back to Steve as Terri walks over and examines him. Bright blood has cascaded over his left shoulder, but he grins crazily at the camera.]

Steve: Good Lordy, that hurt, Terri!!

Terri: Wow! Steve, you’re bleeding again.

Steve: [cackling] AM I? I SURE AM! Looka that! [bends down] Check this out! [holds up a dark red slice] He tooka m’ left ear completely off m’ FACE!!

[laughter]

Steve: This thing ain’t comin’ back on, huh, Terri?

[Steve raises the “ear” and tosses it up into the air.]

Steve: Here you go, little fella!

[sound effect of a loud squawk]

Steve: Whaaaaaw! [looks down to side] Whatcha got there, Terri? Whoooooooooa.

[Terri is seen holding up a frog in the palm of her hand. They both grin over it.]

Terri: Ohhhh, look! It’s a beautiful American bullfrog!

Steve: Look at the way his beauty is…

[The frog suddenly squirts clear fluid directly into his left eye.]

Steve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! He just sprayed poisonous venom in m’ EYYYYYE! He didn’t give me a chance to TALK about ‘im, Terri! Feels like someone just pissed hot lava in my eye!

Terri: [gleeful] Oh, this is great stuff, Steve! I’m having such a fun time! [jumps up and down]

Steve: Ah, yeah! Me too! It sure is! I tell ya, this venom is really doin’ a number on m’ BODY. In fact, my internal organs are liquifying AS we speak. This is gonna go down as th’ HOIGHLOIGHT of m’ LOIFE!!!

[The frog squirts more venom into his face.]

Steve: AAAAAAAAAAA!! Where’d that come from?! This IS spontaneous!

Terri: [laughing] Oh, Steve, I’m so happy for you!

Steve: Yeah, I’m on cloud nine right now! [to camera] Well, that’s all the time we got on Crackadile Hun’er!

Terri: [laughing] Goodbye!

Steve: Buh-BYE!

[SUPERIMPOSE “The Crocodile Hunter, with Steve and Terri Irvin” over the two of them talking animatedly as the audience applauds. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

E! News Daily

Steve Kmetko…..Will Ferrell
Jules Asner…..Cheri Oteri
Donatella Versace…..Molly Shannon
Luca…..Noah Wylie
Elton John…..Horatio Sanz
Elizabeth Hurley…..Julianna Margulies

[FADE IN on the spinning “E!” logo, then FADE to a stark, white studio with two commentators sitting on stools.]

Steve Kmetko: Welcome to “E! News Daily.” I’m Steve Kmetko.

Jules Asner: And I’m Jules Asner. Coming up today on “E! News Daily,” find out what Anna Nicole Smith is planning to do next. Here’s a hint: you can smell it. But first… [laughter] ..but first, more of our exclusive coverage of Fashion Week.

Steve Kmetko: [in a clipped, fey voice] It’s Fashion Week again. The week when the world’s top fashion designers decide what seven rich people will wear this season. To get an insider’s preview of the Versace 2000 collection, I spent the week with Donatella Versace at her headquarters in Milan.

Jules Asner: [pretending to banter] Rough assignment.

Steve Kmetko: Mm, TELL me about it.

Jules Asner: [snickers] You poor thing.

Steve Kmetko: I barely survived.

Jules Asner: Oh, I feel real sorry for you.

Steve Kmetko: [snaps] Are you screwing with me? ‘Cause I will have you fired so frickin’ fast!

Jules Asner: [shocked] I, I thought we were bantering… back and forth… fun bantering.

[CUT to Kate Moss and several other models parading down the runway of a fashion show.]

Steve Kmetko: [off camera] Versace. The name means sex, skin, and rock ‘n’ roll glamour. And no one epitomizes that spirit more than Donatella Versace herself.

[FADE to Donatella in her studio. In a skimpy green dress, she stands and sensuously rubs Luca, a shirtless male model in black leather pants who stretches out on her desk.]

Donatella Versace: [in pronounced Italian accent] My philosophy is that the fashion should be SEXY, you know? Like, I feel inspired by everything which I see, you know. [slaps his stomach] Hop up. More champagne, more champagne, please, very good, come on.

[Luca stands up and walks dutifully away, and Donatella spanks him as he leaves.]

Donatella Versace: I see, like, for example, my, my dog. She get a little ear infection, so she wear the big cone collar. And I look at this collar and I think, “So SEXY,” so what do I do? I make one for Courtney Love!

[FADE to a still photo of Courtney Love at an awards ceremony with a dog collar pictured around her neck. FADE back to Versace Headquarters, where Donatella briefly picks up her cigarette but sets it down without smoking it.]

Donatella Versace: You know, eh, basically, everywhere I look, I see a type of design, you know? Like, ahhhh… [picks up a yellow “trimline” phone] …like this phone, for example. You see, so smooth, so sexy, you know, you make a little suit. [shouts to side] You know what? Make this phone into a dress! Make this! Make this!

[She yanks the phone cord out and throws it off toward the side, and then CUT to still shots of Naomi Campbell, Madonna, and Tina Turner.]

Steve Kmetko: When celebrities want to make a memorable entrance, they go straight to the House of Versace. Donatella’s clients include actors, rock superstars, AND Elton John.

[FADE to Elton behind the piano. He wears spectacles and a tux and shirt without a tie.]

Elton John: Donatella designs everything I own. She does all my suits. She designed a leather tuxedo for my Yorkie. She did a beautiful line of zebra-print after-sex towels for me ‘cause I’m sloppy. I wrote this song for her.

[A piano melody starts up which sounds vaguely like “Candle in the Wind.”]

Elton John: [singing]
Donatella, Miss Versace,
Promise me you’ll always stay Italian.
You’re a golden lady,
With hair like spaghetti,
You’re a candle in the wind,
Wait, I’ve used that already.

[speaking] Damn, I’ve gotta get back together with Bernie Taupin.

[CUT to footage of models getting their hair sprayed and their fingernails painted.]

Steve Kmetko: The day before her new collection debuts, Donatella’s office is all abuzz with last-minute fittings AND nervous energy.

[FADE back to Versace Headquarters, where Donatella stands next to Elizabeth Hurley, who is holding a flute of champagne, smoking a cigarette and wearing a long purple dress with the receiver of the yellow telephone attached right above her breasts.]

Donatella Versace: Miss Hurley is the perfect model for my dresses.

Elizabeth Hurley: [in a flawless English accent] I love these clothes. Because they’re so naughty. It’s like wearing a spanking. [sips champagne]

Donatella Versace: The dresses fit her perfectly because of these beautiful teh-tahs. [cups Elizabeth’s breasts] Oh, I love them! They’re gorgeous! I LOVE them, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Hurley: I’ve got nice teh-tahs.

[A phone suddenly beeps.]

Elizabeth Hurley: Oh! Is that my rack ringing?

[Luca walks up with a tiny cell phone and hands it to Donatella.]

Donatella Versace: Alo? Ah, Madonna! Ciao! Que va? [grabs Luca’s butt and holds onto it] Ja. Oh, ja. No.

Elizabeth Hurley: I find her clothes quite witty. For example, this phone frock is combination. You see, my teh-tahs are talking to each other on the telephone! [smiles deliciously]

Donatella Versace: [into phone] Eh, Madonna. No, don’t take sperm from him. No, I get you good sperm, okay? [puts down phone] Ah, good. Ja. Luca? Ah.

[Luca walks obediently in, and Donatella hands him a champagne glass.]

Donatella Versace: Go make a nice sperm. Put it. Go make a nice one. [She spanks him again on his way out.]

Elizabeth Hurley: God, I’m starving. Is there any more champagne?

[CUT to Kate Moss and others walking down the runway.]

Steve Kmetko: [off camera] When all was said and done, the Versace Collection was a smash, and Donatella was very pleased.

Donatella Versace: [off camera] Come on, walk like the sexy hookers.

[FADE back to Steve and Jules in the studio.]

Jules Asner: Wow, I’ll bet Italy was great.

Steve Kmetko: Oh, that is it. Don’t you EVER talk to me like that again!

Jules Asner: [shocked] Steve, I was just trying to–

Steve Kmetko: WHAT?

Jules Asner: Wha–

Steve Kmetko: You WHAT?!

Jules Asner: Nothing.

Steve Kmetko: [belligerently] Go ahead, Jules Asner! It’s your line! Intro your segment! INTRO it! [pushes her in the face with two fingers]

Jules Asner: [fighting tears] Steve, why are… why are… [quavering] How does Sarah Michelle Gellar make spinach dip? We’ll find out, after this break.

Steve Kmetko: [appalled] Oh, my God!

[He pushes the side of Jules’s head, and she tips off her stool. FADE quickly to the “E!” logo, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25 Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

Erectile Dysfunction Ad

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Doug Anthony Kimbles…..Will Ferrell
Director…..Tim Meadows
Microphone Man…..Horatio Sanz
Hannah…..Julianna Margulies

[FADE IN on a closeup of Doug’s face looking down at the floor in despair as a few melodramatic piano notes are heard in the background. ZOOM OUT very slowly to show him wearing a yellow sweater and reading a copy of “Forbes” magazine.]

Announcer: This is the face of erectile dysfunction. It’s a personal and embarrassing problem. You walk around feeling like a loser. Maybe you’re gay. Maybe you’re a eunuch. Or a wuss. Maybe you’re just a goon with a limp noodle hanging between your legs.

Doug: [in disgust] All right, all right, that’s enough!

Director: Cut!

[CUT to a wider shot as the director walks up to Doug.]

Director: Um, what’s the problem, Doug?

Doug: [anxiously] Is that what the commercial’s gonna say?

Director: Well, um, we’re still trying some different, you know, versions, but I wanted you to hear it so you can play off of it.

Doug: It seems pretty harsh.

Director: Well, it’s not about you, no. It’s about the disorder and how to treat it.

Doug: All right.

Director: Okay?

Doug: I’m sorry. I overreacted.

Director: [pats his shoulder] That’s okay, it’s okay. [turns back and claps hands] All right, come on, let’s go back to one, people! Roll playback!

[CUT to closeup of an electronic slate.]

Director: All right, people! And… action!

[The slate is pulled away to reveal Doug’s pensive face again.]

Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. Look at it. It’s not pretty. All hang-dog and sad. Goofy-ass ears. Who does he think he’s kidding? He might as well tuck that sad weiner of his between his thighs and start wearing a dress. You know, he’s in bars, talking all big, like, “Hey, I’m a commercial actor. My name’s Doug, and–”

Doug: Okay, come on!

Director: Cut! [walks up to him] Doug, what’s the problem? That was a great take!

Doug: The voiceover guy used my real name!

Director: What? Like Robert DeNiro never plays a character named Rob?

Doug: No, it just seems slightly personal!

Director: Doug, Doug, it’s not!

Doug: All right.

Director: Okay?

Doug: Okay.

Director: [turning back] Okay, c’mon, let’s shoot this, people! We’re gonna lose the magic hour!

Microphone Man: We’re inside!

Director: [consults a clock hanging around his neck] Yeah, right, okay, ready, people! And, action!

[CUT back to Doug’s closeup.]

Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. Doug. Doug’s got a droopy old ding-dong. I’m talking, “bl-o-o-oo.” This guy couldn’t even satisfy Mrs. Roper. You don’t believe me? Ask his girlfriend Hannah.

[ENTER Hannah from the left. She stands behind Doug and addresses the camera self-concsciously.]

Hannah: Doug can’t satisfy me. He’s very delicate and frightened in bed.

Doug: Hannah, what the hell are you doing here?

Hannah: The director said you wanted me here.

Doug: [throws down magazine] Son of a BITCH!

Director: CUT!

[Losing his patience, the director stalks up to him.]

Director: Listen, Doug! Maybe I am a son of a bitch, but I heard that you were a real ACTOR. I wanted to, you know, to challenge you with reality.

Doug: [calmly] I, I AM a real actor.

Director: What?

Doug: [agitated] I AM a real actor!!

Director: [pumped] All RIGHT, then, let’s DO this, people!! [reaches out to rub Hannah’s arm] And Hannah. You look great.

Hannah: [giggles in delight] Thank you.

Director: Yeah, good job. [claps hands] Let’s get playback ready, people! [sits back down in chair]

Microphone Man: Hey, uh… Director: [impatiently] What?

Microphone Man: The whole crew asked me to ask you if you could please, uh, stop calling us “people.”

Director: [stares at him] Sorry. It’s my signature. And action, PEOPLE!!

[CUT back to Doug’s closeup.]

Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. His name is Doug Kimbles. He’s got big-time Nerf in his shorts. And he can’t even blame it on booze. He’s a commercial actor here in L.A., and his home phone is 1-310-555-0187.

Doug: [furious] HEY!!!

Director: [off camera] BE AN ACTOR!!!

[ENTER Hannah.]

Announcer: [over piano notes] That’s his girfriend Hannah. She’s a hot little number who likes jogging in those tight bicycle pants. Hey, Hannah, what’s the worst part about being with half a man?

Hannah: I guess it’s when… I don’t know how to say this, um… when his Jimmy-stick gets all limp like a turkey neck, and then he cries, and it’s so high-pitched, and unnatural.

Announcer: Doug? What was the most embarrassing time you ever had with a woman? And would you please state your full name and look directly into camera?

Doug: [slowly] My name is Doug Anthony Kimbles. One time… I was with Hannah at the beach–

Hannah: [in horror] Oh, no, don’t, please don’t tell this one.

Announcer: TELL IT!

[The microphone screeches and rings.]

Doug: It was the afternoon, and we snuck off behind a lifeguard tower, and…

[Doug gasps once and starts crying in a high-pitched, unnatural voice. Hannah sobs in agony over his shoulder.]

Doug: [sobbing] I couldn’t do it! And when I pulled away, there were about thirty people watching!

Hannah: [clasps his shoulder] Oh, no-oo-ooo!

Doug: They all started laughing, and then I just ran down the beach with my pants around my ankles, it was awful!

Announcer: [over piano notes] This must be really hard for YOU, Hannah.

Hannah: It is!

Announcer: I’m guessing you’re a Scorpio. Am I right?

Hannah: [crying] I’m a Taurus, but that was close!

Announcer: Hey: what say we hit a potato bar and then go for a drive up the coast?

Hannah: [suddenly calm] Yeah, okay. [walks off]

Doug: [shrilly] BABY!

Director: [off camera] Very good, Doug, I know that was hard. Now, roll the product ID!

Announcer: [in a huskier voice] When life’s screwed up like this, reach for a Tootsie Roll!

[SUPERIMPOSE the caption “Tootsie Roll” underneath a dancing Tootsie Roll man and play happy electronic music.]

Announcer: Tootsie Roll! It can always get you roarin’!

[HOLD on Doug looking around in consternation, then FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

Julianna Margulies’ Monologue

Dr. Mathaway…..Julianna Margulies
Nurse…..Cheri Oteri
Pet Owner…..Chris Parnell
Manuel…..Noah Wylie

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Julianna Margulies!

[PAN down from the blinking “ON AIR” light to center stage, where Julianna walks out and acknowledges applause. She wears a red-orange turtleneck sweater and brown leather pants.]

Julianna Margulies: Thank you very much, thank you! Ohhh! I can’t tell you how happy I am to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”!! [cheers and applause] As most of you know, this is my last season on “ER.”

[The audience goes “awwww” in disappointment, and she smiles, flattered.]

Julianna Margulies: Thanks! That’s nice. Don’t get me wrong, I really do love doing the show, but you know… [sounding stressed] After six years, I cannot tell you how wonderful it will be not to have to say: “Possible venticular tagurhythmia, parenteral lavage, BP 180 over 100, Ladocaine 20 milligrams I.V.!”

[She spins her finger and rolls her eyes as audience applauds.]

Julianna Margulies: They did, um, they did offer me quite a lot of money to stay on the show, and I turned them down, and many of you may think that I’m crazy, you know, but for me, life is all about taking risks and challenging yourself. [grins] So I’m doing a brand-new series on NBC. I hope you love it as much as I do. Okay? [pauses in anticipation] Here’s a new clip of my show!

[FADE to the opening sequence of “ER,” then SUPERIMPOSE caption, “er: special veterinary unit.” CUT to a full-sized gurney being wheeled into a frantic emergency room. A small guinea pig lies motionless on the gurney with corn chips sprinkled around him an I.V. inserted in its body.]

Dr. Mathaway: All right, here we are. Nice and easy, nice and easy. On my count: One… two… three.

[They gingerly lift the stretcher onto the bed.]

Dr. Mathaway: [putting on stethoscope] All right. Prep him. Give me his vitals.

Owner: [fearfully] His name is Peanuts!

Nurse: He went from a Grade-A pulse to a flat line. Let’s get these chips off him!

Owner: He looked hungry, so I fed him some of my cajun pizza!

Nurse: [points to pet owner] All right, get him out of here!! Somebody get him out!!

[Two orderlies hustle the owner out.]

Dr. Mathaway: Possible venticular tagurhythmia, prep for parenteral lavage, BP 180 over 100, Ladocaine 20 milligrams I.V. Give me the paddles!

[An orderly hands her two black plastic paddles.]

Dr. Mathaway: 60 volts! [places paddles on guinea pig] And clear!

[When they turn on the juice, Peanuts jumps about two feet off the gurney and flops back down.]

Nurse: All right, stand by the paddles, we’re going again.

Dr. Mathaway: No, no. Just wait… [intensely] I got a pulse.

[Peanuts gasps for breath.]

Nurse: She’s got a pulse!

[FADE abruptly back to the studio, where Julianna acknowledges riotous applause.]

Julianna Margulies: It’s a good show! Thank you, thank you! Thanks so much! You know, this new project means so much to me.

[CUT to a thirty-ish woman standing up in the audience.]

Woman: Excuse me, uh, I have a question.

Julianna Margulies: [looking askance at her] Um, I didn’t realize an audience member was gonna ask me a question in the middle of my monologue.

Audience member: Well, I’m not an audience member, I’m a writer on the show. I wrote what I’m saying right now.

Julianna Margulies: Okay. Uh, what’s your question?

Audience member: [in a seasoned reporter’s voice] From the clip, it looks like you’re playing exactly the same character that you did on “ER.” I mean, where’s the risk, the challenge?

Julianna Margulies: [annoyed] Um, okay. A: she’s wearing a WHITE doctor coat, not a pink one. Moron. And hello-oo, she’s a vet! I mean, it’s a completely different show. God! Take a look at another clip. [muttering] Jackass…

[FADE to Dr. Mathaway as she finishes examining a boa constrictor. An owl looks down from a perch above her, and a huge dog watches from a bed.]

Dr. Mathaway: Manuel? You are a great vet, but you’re not God. You can’t make these life-and-death decisions on your own. Do you understand?

[CUT to Manuel wearing a doctor’s coat and a very cheesy fake Mexican mustache which curls up on the ends.]

Manuel: Sì. Yo comprendo, doctora Mathaway. [sidles up to her] Yo quienso que quizas te amo.

[They embrace and lean in to kiss.]

Voice: Code blue. Trauma three. Code blue.

[They break their embrace and rush away as a horse whinnies off camera. FADE quickly back to studio and cheers.]

Julianna Margulie: You see, lady? We have such a great show for you tonight! DMX is here! [audience cheers] So stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ZOOM out on Julianna clapping along with audience, then FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25 Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

priceline.com

William Shatner…..Darrell Hammond

[FADE IN on a band playing in a nightclub. William Shatner, wearing a black leather jacket over a brown shirt and blue jeans, stands onstage.]

Announcer: And now, William Shatner for priceline!

[Shatner picks up the microphone as the band plays the chorus to “We Gotta Get out of This Place” by the Animals. Shatner starts vaguely singing along, but soon makes no attempt whatsoever to follow the band as it keeps playing.]

William Shatner: We gotta get outta this place! [pause] Now you can, too, with priceline.com! YOU… can order groceries online, yeah! YOU: order fish, ham, cider, raisins, shrimp, jelly, YOU spend an hour, just one hour online! You can save… 12 or 13 CENTS, baby! I used to spend hours haggling with the grocery clerk over the price of a can of corn, but he wouldn’t budge! I’d be there for, I dunno, HOURS, you know, saying, I’d say, “Look: a dollar twenty-nine is kinda steep for a can of corn, don’t you think?” He’d say, “I… don’t make the rules! I just work here,” then I would say, “How… about a buck?” Again he would claim to just… WORK here, and I’d say, “Look? Don’t you know me? I’m Bill Shatner, Captain Kirk from ‘Star Trek,’ can you cut me some slack on this can o’corn?” He said he’d never heard of the show, so I ran out of the store… with the can o’ corn. The kid chased me down, he tackled me in the parking lot and beat me pretty savagely with the can of corn. None of this woulda happened if they had priceline.com! Save money with priceline! We gotta get OUTTA this PLACE! Yeah.

[SUPERIMPOSE “priceline.com, name your own price, airline tickets, hotel rooms, new cars, mortgages, groceries.” FADE to black as the crowds in the film and in the studio all applaud.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

Augustus General

Nadeen…..Cheri Oteri
Fall Victim…..Chris Parnell
Orderly…..Jimmy Fallon
Motorcyclist…..Tim Meadows
Motorcyclist’s Wife…..Ana Gasteyer
Man with Severed Hand…..Tracy Morgan
Man with Headache…..Darrell Hammond
Dr. Montgomery…..Julianna Margulies

[FADE IN on an ambulance pulling up to a hospital, and then FADE to the e/r. A patient is gingerly being pushed in a wheelchair toward a hallway, and suddenly a man walks briskly up to the desk. He has a deep gash above his left eye, and blood trickles down his cheek.]

Fall Victim: Excuse me? Excuse me. Uh, hi, hi, I need some help here? Hi? Can you help me? Please?

[The receptionist turns around and notices him. With her hair stacked up and a large mole near the corner of her mouth, she sets down a clipboard and walks toward him.]

Nadeen: Simma down na.

Fall Victim: I, I need to see a doctor right away.

Nadeen: I just said to simma DOWN na!

Fall Victim: What?

Nadeen: [shouting] SIMMA DOWN NA! Can’t ya HEAH? I wantya ta simma down na, and tell me just what OCCUHED.

Fall Victim: What “occuhed” is, I fell from my apartment balcony and gashed my head on a sprinkler.

Nadeen: Looks like ya cracked ya noggin, there! [reaches up and knuckles his forehead]

Fall Victim: OW! God!

Nadeen: How many stories?

Fall Victim: How–what? How many–

Nadeen: How many stories ya DROP, na?

Fall Victim: One. One, one floor.

Nadeen: Just one? Have a seat. [points to chairs]

Fall Victim: [frantic] What? Not enough floors to get my head stitched up?!

Nadeen: Sir, on behalf of Augustus General, I’d like to invite you to SIMMA DOWN NA! [thrusts a clipboard at him] Now, kindly fill out these forms and have a seat over HEAH! [points to chairs] No blood on da clipboard, na!

[He walks slowly away, and then an orderly comes in from the hallway and pushes a patient in a wheelchair slowly near the desk.]

Nadeen: [rushing around desk] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow it DOWN na! Slow it DOWN na!

Orderly: [puzzled] I wasn’t going that fast.

Nadeen: What you think, this is a Doc Daytona Five Hundra? Huh?

Orderly: What?

Nadeen: Where da brake?

Orderly: What?

Nadeen: Where da BRAKE?

Orderly: [points down to wheels] There.

Nadeen: USE it, na! Now get! GET!!

[After she shoos them away, a man and a woman rush into the room.]

Motorcyclist’s Wife: Excuse me, excuse me, my husband’s been in a motorcycle accident, I think he’s broke his wrist!

Motorcyclist: [painfully] Yeah, I, I can’t move it!

Motorcyclist’s Wife: It’s swelling up really badly.

Nadeen: [shouting] All right, everybody SIMMA DOWN NA!!

Motorcyclist: Listen, I would love to simmer down now, but you see, my wrist is shattered, so I would encourage you to ADMIT me now.

Nadeen: Sir, your sass is unappreciated heah. So before your other wrist becomes shattahed, I suggest you fill out these forms, and have a seat, and then simma down…

Motorcyclist: And simmer down now, right?

Nadeen: That’s cor-rect!

[The couple starts walking toward the hallway.]

Nadeen: Not over there! Over HEAH! [points to seats]

Motorcyclist: Where?

Nadeen: Over HEAH! What, did ya shattah ya hearing drum in addition?!

Motorcyclist: [outraged] Who the HELL do–

Nadeen: Hey!! Hey!! Hey!! [imitates shifting gears] Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii–mmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa–doooooooooooooooooooooooooowwn–na! [pretends to lock gearshift] Simma down na!

[cheers and applause]

Motorcyclist’s Wife: [evenly] You’re a freak!

Nadeen: Simma.

[As the two walk away, a man walks up in a mechanic’s jacket. His right arm is a bandaged stump at the end, and he carries a bag in his left.]

Man With Severed Hand: Excuse me, excuse me, I’ve been simmering for about three hours. I think I’m gonna pass out. I don’t know how much longer my hand can last.

[He raises a plastic bag which holds a severed hand on ice.]

Nadeen: Sir, sir, may I ask you to help yourself to this magazine… [hands it to him] …while I contact ya proper insurance carriah. Now tell me, who has your association been with? Blue Cross? Blue Shield?

Man With Severed Hand: No, I’m with an HMO.

Nadeen: Well, in that case, I want you ta take this “War and Peace”… [hands him thick copy of “War and Peace”] …sit yaself down on a low heat, and continya to simma.

[He walks morosely away.]

Nadeen: [lifts bag] Take ya hand na!! Take ya hand na!!

[He fetches his hand and scurries back. A moment later, a man in a leather jacket walks up with a cigarette in his hand.]

Man With Headache: [calmly] Hi. I think I got a headache.

Nadeen: [points toward hallway] Sir, go right inside those doors, right there, suh!

[He walks nonchalantly toward the hallway. The motorcyclist, his wife, and the fall victim all storm up to the desk.]

Fall Victim: Wait a minute!

Motorcyclist: What the HELL?!

Motorcyclist’s Wife: That’s not fair!!

Nadeen: [holds up hands] SIMMA! SIMMA! SIMMA! Everybody SIMMA DOWN NA!!! All right. Now you have made a valid obsahvation. And since the squeaky wheel get the grease, I will provide medical assistance TA ya! [into microphone] Pagin’ Doctah Montgomra. Doctor Montgomra. Please! We need ya help up in heah! Doctor Mont-Montgomra.

[Dr. Montgomery walks in with a white smock and a wavy bouffant.]

Nadeen: Here she come.

Fall Victim: Finally!

Dr. Montgomery: [in professional voice] Nadeen, I’m sorry for the delay. [to patients] What seems to be the problem?

[All the patients talk at once.]

Motorcyclist’s Wife: My husband had a motorcycle accident!

Motorcyclist: My wrist is shattered, ma’am!

Fall Victim: My head is bleeding profusely!

Dr. Montgomery: [holds up hands] WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! EVERYBODY SIMMA DOWN NA!!

Motorcyclist’s Wife: WHAT?!

Motorcyclist and Fall Victim: WHAT?!

Dr. Montgomery: What part of “simma down” da ya na understan’?! The “simma,” the “down,” or the “na”?!

Motorcyclist: But we just want some… some…

Dr. Montgomery: [holds up an 8×10 of David Schwimmer] WHO DIS?!

Motorcyclist: [confounded] Schwimmer?

Dr. Montgomery: [holds up a copy of “The Wall Street Journal”] What’s da average listed heah?

Fall Victim: The Dow?

Dr. Montgomery: What a beava do to a log?

Motorcyclist’s Wife: Uh, it, it gnaws on a log?

Dr. Montgomery: Put it all together na!

Motorcyclist: Schwimmer Dow gnaw?

Dr. Montgomery: Try it again! [to Chris] You!

Fall Victim: Uh, Schimmer Dow now?

Nadeen: Close but no cigah.

Dr. Montgomery: Last chance, FOR da MONEY!!

Motorcyclist’s Wife: Uh… simmer down now?

Nadeen: WHOA! Winner!

Dr. Montgomery: [loudly] Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, we have a winna! You can go ahead in, ma’am!

Motorcyclist’s Wife: [squealing like a game show contestant] I WON, I WON, I WON!!

[She races through the doors into the hallway. Her husband and the fall victim look after her.]

Motorcyclist: [points to broken wrist] Wait a minute! No!! No!

Dr. Montgomery: You best simma!

Nadeen: Na, na!

Dr. Montgomery: Na!

Nadeen: Na, na!

Dr. Montgomery: Na!

Nadeen: Simma na!

Dr. Montgomery: Simma na!

Nadeen: [points to chairs] Sit down there and simma na!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25 Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Joy Lipton…..Cheri Oteri

[FADE IN on the New York skyline with smokestacks steaming in the foreground.]

Announcer: Now, from the news capital of the world: it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[FADE to studio and ZOOM in on Colin at the anchor desk.]

Colin: Thank you, folks!

[cheers and applause]

Colin: Simmer down now! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn, and here are tonight’s top stories:

[Monitor shows Hillary Clinton’s head superimposed next to the White House.]

Colin: Hillary Clinton finally announced her candidacy for the U.S. Senate this week, raising doubts as to whether she’ll be able to fulfill her White House duties while campaigning. Aides, however, assure voters that the campaign will in no way affect Hillary’s performance of the First Lady’s chief responsibility: looking the other way. [soft laughter] It’s a warm-up, c’mon.

[Monitor fades to Bill Clinton pointing at something and talking into his daughter Chelsea’s ear.]

Colin: While waiting for his wife’s announcement rally in upstate New York to begin, President Clinton took his daughter Chelsea to a local Starbucks, where 29-year-old Jennifer Cook offered the President a massage. Clinton responded to the offer by turning to his daughter and asking, “Shouldn’t you be helping your mom?” [dry laughter and groaning]

[Monitor fades to a grinning Hillary Clinton.]

Colin: The centerpiece of Hillary’s announcement was a biographical videotape in which the First Lady looks into the camera and brags, “I make a mean tossed salad.” You know, she’s definitely not… [stumbles] …new-new-new to New York if she doesn’t know what “tossed salad” means. [laughter] How about THAT one….

[Monitor fades to a split image of a distracted George W. Bush and an angry John McCain.]

Colin: The Republican presidential race got personal this week, as George W. Bush, in an effort to portray John McCain as a Washington insider, began referring to his opponent as “Chairman McCain.” In response, McCain, now trying to paint Bush as a simpleton who owes all his success to his father, has started calling the Texas governor “Tori Spelling.” [cheers and applause] What, is she gonna hum it? Yeah, let’s kill her!

[Monitor fades to another split image, this time of Bush and Steve Forbes gritting his teeth.]

Colin: And publisher Steve Forbes dropped out of the Republican race Thursday after a poor showing in the Delaware primary. Political observers speculate that Forbes’s exit will boost George W. Bush’s campaign, since Forbes was splitting the important “spoiled rich kid” vote. [laughter]

[Monitor fades to a graphic of a stock ticker reading “EXPLOSION” above a “WALL ST” street sign.]

Colin: A small bomb exploded in the heart of Wall Street before daybreak Friday. A small bomb, or as the IRA calls it, an initial public offering. [laughter and applause]

[Monitor fades to a graphic of a computer with the words “CYBER TERRORISM” superimposed on the monitor.]

Colin: Online hackers last week waged a series of crippling assaults that shut down popular websites including e-trade and amazon.com, and created a state of near-emergency, in which people had to interact with other human beings. [laughter and applause]

Authorities… Yeah, man, that’s what it’s come to, man.

[Monitor fades to the seal of the FBI.]

Colin: Authorities, meanwhile, fear that internet crime is getting so bad, it’s not even safe to not leave your house anymore. [laughter]

[Monitor fades to the “ebay” logo.]

Colin: Among those hit by the internet terrorists this week was the auction site ebay, which shut down for six hours on Tuesday, resulting in a sales loss of an estimated six million dollars worth of useless crap. [laughter and applause]

[Monitor fades to a Barbie doll head and the “Mattel” logo.]

Colin: Toymaker Mattel announced this week that it will launch a new design for the Barbie doll that will permit her to twist and bend at the waist without joints showing, allowing her outfits to show her midriff. The doll even comes with a new boyfriend: [monitor fades to a photo of a balding middle-aged man] Tommy Mentoa. [laughter and applause] Ohhh-hhh. You work for Sony? What do you care?

[Monitor fades to the cover of “Gear” magazine, which shows a nude Jessica Biel with her breasts blacked out, along with the headline, “FALLEN ANGEL.”]

Colin: In hopes of being fired from her show, “7th Heaven,” 18-year-old Jessica Biel has deviated from her wholesome image and posed nude in the men’s magazine “Gear.” Yeah, that’ll get her fired. Has a job ever existed where someone said, “That hot 18-year-old who keeps taking off her clothes, get rid of her.” [laughter] Certainly not.

[Monitor fades to a frame of Charlie Brown being carried off the ballfield by the “Peanuts” gang.]

Colin: In tomorrow’s newspapers… [laughter] In tomorrow’s newspapers, Charles Schulz’s beloved “Peanuts” will end its 50-year run with the publication of its last original comic strip. In the final installment, Lucy and Charlie Brown are once again playing football, but this time, after she pulls the ball away so he can’t kick it, Charlie Brown goes to a nightclub and stabs two people. [laughter mingled with a few boos]

[Monitor fades to a photo of a galaxy with the caption, “BIG BANG THEORY.”]

Colin: Using complex atom-smashing experiments, scientists in Geneva this week found new evidence to support the Big Bang Theory, which holds that the universe was created after a huge explosion. Scientists now believe that the explosion occurred when a giant star, known as a nova, crashed into the back of another star, known as a Pinto. [laughter and applause]

[Monitor fades to logos of the Pfizer and Warner Lambert companies.]

Colin: Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, announced this week that it will acquire Warner Lambert, the maker of the cholesterol-fighting drug Lipitor, in a deal that will create the world’s second-largest drug company. The world’s largest drug comp–drug company, meanwhile, was unavailable for comment.

[Monitor fades to a photo of Nick Nolte with sunglasses and a cigarette dangling from his mouth. After a long moment of laughter, the monitor switches to the caption, “THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES, EVE ENSLER.”]

Colin: A conservative New York taxpaying group says that the critically acclaimed off-Broadway play, “The Vagina Monologues,” currently being performed at New York’s public colleges, is too sexual and, quote: “should be kicked off the campuses.” Sounds to me like it’s their time of the month. [nervous laughter] Heyyyy, heyyyy, I try…

[Monitor fades to a clean-cut man in a suit standing at a microphone and superimposed in front of the Austrian flag.]

Colin: Jorg Haider, the controversial leader of Austria’s anti-immigration Freedom Party, denied Wednesday that he is a Nazi sympathizer, as his critics charge, and inisisted that he is, quote: “a pure Democrat.” And by pure he means, “Aryan.” [laughter]

[Monitor fades to Bill Clinton giving a speech and raising his left fist.]

Colin: And President Clinton this week upset Irish advocates by urging the participants in the stalled Northern Ireland peace process to, quote: “belly up to the bar.” Clinton then insulted Israelis while trying to explain his Middle East peace plan when he offered: “Have I got a deal for you.” [mild laughter] Small.

[CUT to a frontal shot of Colin at the desk.]

Colin: With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, love may or may not be in the air unless you try and find the perfect gift. Here with some shopping hints from the boutique, The Erotic Attic, on 112th and Lexington, is Joy Lipton, everybody.

[PAN over to Joy, who sits with touseled hair, dark-rimmed glasses, and a dark orange shirt, as the audience cheers and applauds.]

Joy: [in a high, quavering voice] Thank you, Co–thank you, Colin. Colin, I’ve lassoed up just a few of the Valentine’s Day gifts that are sure to make you O.K. in HER corral. [laughter] Colin, I’m sure you’ve heard of edible panties, edible bras. [in an off-key singsong voice] I know. Been there. Done that. But… but here’s a gift that will surely put you back in HER flavor. Did I say “flavor”? I sure did. [laughter] When they’re fruit roll-up condoms…

[She holds up two sealed condoms in her hands.]

Joy: They come in two bold and sexy flavors. [opens up condom] Strawberry White and Divine Brownie.

[She takes a bite out of the Strawberry White and chews stiffly.]

Joy: Just had sex, Colin? We can tell, ‘cause your Little Richard’ll be singin, “Tutti frutti… oh, Rudy!”

[She stiffly waves her arm as the audience cackles.]

Colin: [dryly] It doesn’t sing.

Joy: That’s what SHE said. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Has making love become ho-hum in the… Casa de Quinn?

Colin: [gestures toward camera] Feel free to focus on the audience.

Joy: Is she just a damsel in distress when you ride in on your horse, Colin?

Colin: Once again, the audience is out THERE. [points toward camera]

Joy: Well, if she is, maybe she’s just looking for a hero. [spreads out hands] Introducing my vibrating hero.

[She pulls out a plastic replica of a hero sandwich with a dial at one end.]

Joy: Or as some call it, “The Love Sub.” ‘Cause a submarine will go deep… [stammers] …can go deep, giving her hours of erotic enjoyment. [hands hero to Colin] Just flick the switch and watch her go.

[Colin takes the hero with a look of disgust and attempts halfheartedly to turn it on. Joy switches the dial, and it makes a sound like a small chain saw.]

Colin: Good God.

[Joy snatches it away from him and turns it off.]

Joy: So, rub it, smack it, let her attack it. [haltingly] It’s… it’s okay, ‘cause it’s my hero. [holds it next to her face] My hero…

[Laughter and applause as she sets it aside.]

Joy: I know what you’re thinking, Colin.

Colin: You couldn’t possibly.

Joy: You are thinking, “Hey, Joy. What about him?” Well, start practicing your catcalls, Colin, ‘cause everyone will be wearing a hardhat when she walks on the construction site in this number…

[She climbs up onto the desk and pulls off her sweater to reveal a multicolored, flowered slip.]

Joy: Here you go. It’s called “Stairway to Heaven.”

Colin: Whoa!

[She shyly tugs at the bottom of the slip as the audience gives laughs, cheers, and wolf whistles.]

Joy: Made of a comfortable polyester blend. Turn your night of passion…

[She slowly lowers herself onto the desk in a suggestive pose, aiming her rear end squarely at Colin Quinn.]

Joy: Into a… into a dangerous safari as he hunts down this–wildcat. Hey, hey, Colin? Got milk? Purr…

[riotous squeals of laughter]

Colin: Excuse me, Joy, maybe you should get down before you get hurt.

Joy: [easing off desk] I’m all right, I’ve done this before…

[She suddenly slips onto the floor behind the desk. Colin reaches over to help, but she springs back to her feet.]

Joy: It’s okay. Uh-oh, I think it’s getting hot in here. [sits down unsteadily] So, Colin, on Valentine’s Day… [turns to him]

Colin: [points] Out, out there.

Joy: On Valentine’s Day, you’ve got it goin’ on down at The Erotic Attic. Tell ‘em Joy sent you.

[She fiddles with her right hand for a second, makes a brief “OK” sign to herself, then abruptly licks her finger and presses her bare left arm.]

Joy: Sssst.

Colin: Joy Lipton, everybody! Joy Lipton!

[wild cheers and applause]

Colin: I’m Colin Quinn. That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it!

[He giggles and cringes as Joy tickles him under the chin with the vibrating hero. She tickles his body with it for a second, then FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts