Category: 1999

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Wedding Singers

Groom…..Joshua Jackson
Wedding Singer #1…..Will Ferrell
Wedding Singer #2…..Horatio Sanz
Bride…..Molly Shannon

Groom: [hitting glass to propose toast] Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention please. First of all, I would just like to take the time to sincerely thank everyone for coming today. But, before we go any further, I would like to give a toast to my beautiful, beautiful wife Denise. [applauding by guests] Honey, its hard to believe we only met three years ago.

Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…

Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.

Groom: Guys, guys, guys

Wedding Singer #1: Sorry, way too early

Wedding Singer #2: Our bad, sorry about that

Wedding Singer #1: Sorry, man

Groom: Anyway, Denise, when I look back at the three years we’ve known each other, I realize that I am the luckiest guy in the world.

Bride: Awww, sweetie

Groom: In fact–

Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…

Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.

Wedding Singer #1: I know, too early again, sorry.

Wedding Singer #2: A little trigger happy, we’ll get it.

Wedding Singer #1: We’ll get it.

Groom: As I was saying honey–

Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…

Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.

Groom: OH, C’MON! Did you listen to anything I said? I mean really, when to come in, any of that?

Bride: Honey, did you actually pick that song, because you know that’s really not our song.

Groom: No, of course I didn’t. Guys, you were supposed to play the Louie Armstrong song.

Wedding Singer #1: Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wedding Singer #2: No way man, no way man.

Wedding Singer #1: Listen, you told us very clearly over the phone that you wanted I Just, in parentheses, Died in Your Arms Tonight, by the Cutting Crew, and I will take that to the GRAVE with me!

Groom: Honey, I didn’t pick that song. Why would I pick that song?

Wedding Singer #2: Well, it doesn’t matter what ya say, because I wrote it down on a piece of paper.

Wedding Singer #1: Yes, he did, which he is getting now. And you will be very sorry, he has it.

Wedding Singer #2: Here it is.

Wedding Singer #1: Very sorry, indeed.

Wedding Singer #2: Here we go.

Wedding Singer #1: Here we go.

Wedding Singer #2: [unfolds paper and reads:] “Peter Schenkel wedding”

Wedding Singer #1: I believe thats you, ok.

Wedding Singer #2: [continues reading:] “2:45 PM”, which is right about now, “please play Louie Armstrong song after I have completed my toast and cued you by saying, ‘Hit it guys’.”

Wedding Singer #1: We apologize, that’s not the way we like to do business. I’m sorry everyone had to see that.

Wedding Singer #2: Sorry ’bout that.

Groom: You know what, could you just play the Louie Armstrong song, and we’ll continue.

[awkward pause]

Wedding Singer #2: We don’t know it.

Wedding Singer #1: We just learned the Cutting Crew song.

Groom: Oh, You’ve got to be kidding me!

Wedding Singer #1: Hey, we messed up! We don’t know the song. Yelling at us is not gonna make us know it.

Wedding Singer #2: [angry] And let me let you in on a little somethin’. I have anger control problems! So, I suggest you grow up and learn some manners!

Groom: I paid you guys an extra 600 dollars to learn that song.

Wedding Singer #1: Fine, would it help if we gave the money back?

Groom: Yes, it would!

Wedding Singer #1: Cause we don’t have it!

Wedding Singer #2: Spent it, long time ago! We spent it a long, long time ago!

Wedding Singer #1: As soon as we got your check we blew it, hard!

Wedding Singer #2: Spent it, and blew it!

Groom: SHUT UP! YA KNOW, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE!

Wedding Singer #1: EVERYONE NEEDS TO SHUT UP!

Wedding Singer #2: SHUT UP!

Groom: YOU GUYS SHUT UP!

Wedding Singer #1: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Groom: YOU’VE RUINED MY WEDDING!

Bride: Honey, just sit down, and relax, and let them play the Cutting Crew song.

Wedding Singer #2: BEST IDEA I HEARD ALL DAY!

Groom: Fine, ok, yeah, fine. That’s great. You guys go crazy.

Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…

Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.

[awkward pause]

Wedding Singer #1: That’s it, that’s all we know.

Wedding Singer #2: Sorry, dude.

[Groom jumps over table to attack singers, as they escape.]

Submitted by: Ben Brophy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
…..Kevin Brennan

Announcer: And now, from the news capitol of the world, it’s “Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.”

Colin Quinn: Hi, I’m Colin Quinn and here are tonight’s top stories.

With their principle opponents dropping out following this week’s Super Tuesday primaries, Al Gore and George W. Bush have now turned their attention on each other: Starting with Gore, who proposed that he and Bush drop all television ads for the remainder of the race and instead hold twice weekly debates on separate issues. Bush responded, “Any time, any place, as long as you give me directions.”

While Bush won the key states of New York, California, and Ohio on Tuesday, Arizona Senator, John McCain, did win five of the six contests in New England. Or as McCain calls them, the states small enough for you to personally threaten each voter.

Frontrunners Al Gore and George W. Bush now have nothing standing between them and their party’s nominations. And after all, what better candidates to run this year than a couple of zeros?

In the April issue of ‘W’ magazine, Calista Flockhart says that the public unfairly judges women by their appearance, and in that way, she’s in the same boat as Monica Lewinsky and Linda Tripp. Of course she’s in the same boat. After those two, who else would fit?”

Colin Quinn: And now, with some insight into the Super Tuesday Primaries, “Weekend Update” political correspondent, Kevin Brennan.

Kevin Brennan: Thank you, Colin! So, it looks like we’re down to two candidates – Republican George W. Bush, and Democrat Al Gore. Let’s look at how they’re different:

Gore went to Harvard, whereas Bush went to Yale.

Bush’s father used to be President, but Gore’s father used to be a Senator.

They both served in the military during Vietnam. Gore was a roving reporter who never roved near enemy lines, and Bush served in the Texas National Guard where he did an excellent job keeping the Viet Cong out of Dallas.

They’re also both Soft-Money Whores, who pretend to be Reformers. I personally don’t see much difference. I wanted John McCain.. to punch Bush in the face. That guy’s so annoying! Bush keeps saying he’s a Uniter not a Divider – which is good if the South concedes from the North again. And, as for Al Gore – I count Al Gores when I can’t sleep at night. I’m with Gary Bauer and the rest of the fellows – the Primaries are fun, thinking maybe the underdog can win, but now reality has set in. It’s Bush and Gore. If you’re gonna vote for Bush and Gore, you might as well vote for me! I’m a white guy! I went to St. Joe’s, the Harvard of the senior colleges! I saw as much combat in Vietnam as they did! I’m a Soft-Money Whore! They call my father “The Senator” down at Fat Tony’s Bar & Grille! It’s all true! And I’ll tell you something else – if I’m elected President, I’ll make *NSYNC’s Justin Timberlake Secretary of the Adorable. [ teen audience applauds wildly ] I’m also an Applause Whore. Back to you, Colin.

Colin Quinn: Kevin Brennan, everybody!

The annual Mardi Gras celebration took place in New Orleans Tuesday night. “Mardi Gras” is a French word which means “Fat Tuesday” and is the day that marks the beginning of Lent. “Lent” is also a French word, which means “Rehab”.

Despite massive protests in the state capital this week, Florida Governor, Jeb Bush, brother of George W. Bush, stood by his commitment to ban racial and gender preferences in university admission and state contracting. Bush, of course, believes that preference should not be based on race or gender but rather on family influence and financial backing.

Broadcaster, Boomer Esiason, was fired Wednesday from ABC’s “Monday Night Football”, and a replacement has not yet been named. Network executives however, do expect Frank Gifford to beg for his old job back now that Kathie Lee will be around the house more.

Darva Conger, the bride from Fox’s “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire”, this week filed for an annulment of her marriage to Rick Rockwell, saying that the union was a mistake and that Rockwell never mentioned that he has a history of problems with women. And you think you know somebody.

And Bethany Tosh, an Arkansas beauty queen, surrendered her crown this week, after being convicted of drunken driving. A drunken Arkansas beauty queen down on her luck – who wants to see that?
[ flash on picture of President Clinton giving the thumbs-up ]

Colin Quinn: I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Good night, and thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 15


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 18th, 2000

The Rock

AC/DC

None

Vince McMahon

Triple H

Mick Foley

Big Show

Hugh Fink

Lorne Michaels

Dennis McNicholas
Vince McMahon’s RulesSummary: Backstage, Vince McMahon goes over the rules with Mick Foley, Triple H, and Big Show.

Recurring Characters: Mango.

Montage

The Rock’s MonologueSummary: Mick Foley and Triple H cause a ruckus in the audience during The Rock’s monologue.

Uncle Jemima’s Mash LiquorSummary: Drunken Uncle Jemima (Tracy Morgan) hawks his homemade booze.

Note: Repeat from 02/05/00.

The Ladies ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) discover that the woman he thought was his true love is actually an undercover cop (The Rock).

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

Transcript

Mr. PeepersSummary: Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan) is reunited with his father (The Rock).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.

Morning LatteSummary: Tom Wilkins (Will Ferrell) and Cass van Rye (Cheri Oteri) have foolish fears of The Rock.

Recurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass van Rye.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Jasper Hahn (Horatio Sanz) draws illicit pictures of presidential candidates.

Recurring Characters: Jasper Hahn.

Transcript

AC/DC performs “Stiff Upper Lip”

Clark KentSummary: Clark Kent (The Rock) does a poor job of concealing his identity as Superman.

Transcript

The GoombahsTranscript

NicotrelSummary: Nicotrel (The Rock) beats up a smoker (Chris Parnell) to make him quit.

Transcript

Today’s Lady

AC/DC performs “You Shook Me All Night Long”

Colonel Belmont’s Old Fashioned Horse GlueSummary: Langford T. Belmont (Will Ferrell) maintains family tradition of useing the entire horse to make a batch of glue.

Note: Repeat from 01/15/00.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 15

99o: The Rock / AC/DC

The Goombahs

Italian Guy…..The Rock
Italian Woman…..Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: “The Sopranos”. The most critically acclaimed show on television. At least it was, until Showtime came up with it’s own new original series:

“The Goombahs”!

It’s about family..

[ show Italian Guy eating in an Italian restaurant, as “That’s Amore” plays in the background ]

Italian Guy: Meatsa-ballsa!

Announcer: Betrayal..

Italian Guy: That’s a good-a sauce-a!

Announcer: Loyalty..

Italian Guy: Meatsa-ballsa!

Announcer: And Italian people.

[ show Italian Guy talking to another Italian Guy ]

Italian Guy: Yo! Vinnie!

Announcer: A stunning original new series, available only on Showtime.

[ show Italian Guy and Italian Woman arguing ]

Italian Woman: What’s-a matter with you!

Italian Guy: What’s-a matter with you!

Italian Woman: What’s-a matter with you!

Italian Guy: What’s-a matter with you!

Italian Woman: What’s-a matter with you!

Italian Guy: Meatballs-a!

Announcer: The Goombahs. Television at its finest. And its most Italian.

Only on Showtime. Sandwiched between that black show and Team.

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 15

99o: The Rock / AC/DC

Clark Kent

Jimmy Olsen … Jimmy Fallon
Lois Lane … Molly Shannon
Perry White … Chris Parnell
Clark Kent … The Rock

[Music: a variation on John Williams’ “Superman”theme. It’s about 3:20 PM in the fictional city ofMetropolis. Exterior of a newspaper building marked”Daily Planet.” Dissolve to the Daily Planet newsroomwhere middle-aged editor Perry White, beautiful girlreporter Lois Lane and young photographer Jimmy Olsencrowd around a window, waving to the departingSuperman. We hear the whooshing sound of thewell-known comic book superhero as he flies off but wedo not see him — only some whirling paper caught inhis backdraft.]

Jimmy Olsen: Bye, Superman!

Lois Lane: Bye!

Perry White: Bye!

[Lois, Jimmy and Perry retreat from thewindow.]

Lois Lane: Ah, well, there goesSuperman.

Jimmy Olsen: Yeah. You know what thatmeans.

Lois Lane: Yeah.

Perry White: Uh huh. Here we go again. [checkshis wristwatch] And – five, four, three, two…

Clark Kent: [enters as if on cue] Hello,everybody.

[Kent is, of course, Superman — very poorly disguisedas a bespectacled mild-mannered reporter in aconservative gray suit: the blue sleeves of hisSuperman outfit stick out from under his white shirtsleeves, part of his red cape sticks out from hiscollar, the red “S” insignia on his chest can be seenthrough his thin white shirt front, his necktie isaskew, etc.]

Lois, Jimmy and Perry: [tired sing-song, as ifthey’ve said this a thousand times] Hi, Clark!

Clark Kent: Gosh, I’m sorry I had to step outso suddenly. I just had to, uhhhh …

Perry White: [to Lois and Jimmy] This isgonna be good.

Clark Kent: I just had to go down to the, uh,mail place and, uh, uh, mail some of my mail.

Perry White: Oh, ho, of course you did!

Lois Lane: Mmmm.

Clark Kent: Say, I didn’t happen to missSuperman again, did I?

[Lois, Jimmy and Perry can barely keep from crackingup with laughter at their own ironiccomments:]

Jimmy Olsen: Yeah, yeah. You sure missed him.Imagine that.

Lois Lane: Boy, it’s a shame you keep missingSuperman, Clark. You know, maybe you’d get a chance tomeet him if we could only figure out – his secretidentity! [giggles as Perry and Jimmy try not tochortle]

Perry White: Oh, good luck on that one, Lois!You know, whoever Superman is, one thing’s for sure –the guy is undoubtedly a master of disguise![giggles]

Clark Kent: That’s right. Yes, I – I think – Ithink you’re right. We’ll probably never know whoSuperman is. Now, if you’ll excuse me, everyone — I,Clark Kent, have to get back to work.

Perry White: You do that.

Jimmy Olsen: Okie-doke.

Lois Lane: You do that. Okie-dokie!

[Kent retreats to his desk, allowing us a glimpse ofhis bright red socks. Lois, Jimmy and Perry snickerand confer quietly on the opposite side of the room asKent sits and works at his typewriter.]

Lois Lane: What – a – bonehead!

Perry White: You said it! This guy is reallynot pulling off this whole “Clark Kent”routine!

Lois Lane: Mmm. Well, at least, he iscalling himself “Clark Kent” now. I mean, rememberwhen he first got here, he was calling himself “SupeR. Mann”?

Jimmy Olsen: Yeah! He had – he had all hispaychecks sent to the Fortress of Solitude!

Perry White: Hey, hey, you wanna see somethingfunny? Watch this. [clears his throat, calls to Kent]Hey, Clark! How’s that story coming overthere?

Clark Kent: Oh, it’s comin’ along fine, Mr.White.

Perry White: Oh, and, uh, how long do you thinkit’s gonna be, Superman?

Clark Kent: Well, after I make a few cuts, I–Uh, er, that is– [looks around] Is Superman here?’Cuz I’m not Supe– er … Yeesh! [nervously runs afinger under his collar]

Perry White: Oh, did I say “Superman”? My bad.[chuckles] I meant “Clark,” of course. Ah, carry on,Clark!

[Kent goes back to typing as Lois, Jimmy and Perryconfer quietly again.]

Jimmy Olsen: God, that was weak, man. Maybehe’s serious with this thing, you know?

Lois Lane: See, that’s what I’m saying! Look atthis column that he wrote. [picks up a newspaper] Um,okay … [reads aloud] “In south Metropolis yesterday,an unidentified man was shot seven times. Sources atthe scene say the bullets did not bounce off hischest, um, er, not that they should on ordinary humanslike us.” [Perry sighs] I mean, couldn’t he have justedited that out?

Perry White: Let me see that. [takes newspaper,reads aloud] “The victim could have avoided being shotif only he were faster than a speeding bullet, likeme. Dot, dot, dot. Oh, man, you’re doing it again.Play it cool, Superman, play it cool.” [throws thepaper down in disbelief] Well, that’s just plainlazy.

Jimmy Olsen: And it’s – it’s terriblereporting. How come we – How come we’ve not fired himyet?

Lois Lane: Oh, give him a break. He’s saved theentire city hundreds of times!

Jimmy Olsen: Doesn’t mean he’s a joy to havearound the office. I mean, the guy’s really a slob.

Perry White: Yeah, apparently, fighting forTruth, Justice and the American Way doesn’t includeflushing when you’re done in the can.

Jimmy Olsen: Amen. I swear, if I gotta go inthere one more time and see one of his brown”kryptonite chunks” floatin’ around … Not cool, notcool.

Lois Lane: Hey, let’s go screw withhim.

Perry White: Right on.

[Mischievously, Lois, Jimmy and Perry join Kent at hisdesk.]

Lois Lane: Say, there, uh, Clark. That waspretty amazing how, uh, Superman destroyed that meteortoday, huh?

Clark Kent: Well, I wouldn’t know, Lois. I wasnowhere nearby. [chuckles]

Jimmy Olsen: Uh, y– Hey, yeah and it’s alsoweird that that guy, uh, Superman is a full-on,out-of-the-closet homosexual.

Clark Kent: Well, that’s what they say– Oh,wha–? What? Huh? Wa – wait a minute. [chuckles]Superman isn’t gay!

Lois Lane: Oh, sure he is.

Jimmy Olsen: Real gay.

Clark Kent: No, no. Now, wait. I always heardhe was pretty manly.

Perry White: Oh, ho ho! No way! You getSuperman in a truck stop men’s room, you won’t needkryptonite to bring him to his knees.

Clark Kent: Hey, hey, hey! Come on! Really!Superman isn’t gay! Sure, he experimented alittle back in Smallville …

[Lois, Jimmy and Perry try to suppress theirlaughter.]

Jimmy Olsen: [to Lois and Perry] I was justmakin’ that up, I swear!

Lois Lane: [to Jimmy] Shut up, shut up!

Clark Kent: … but that doesn’t make himgay.

Perry White: [trying to keep a straight face,clears his throat] Hey, everybody, I just heard overthe police scanner, a tobacco store downtown has”Prince Albert in a Can”!

Clark Kent: [genuinely alarmed] Someone’skidnapped the prince? [catches himself] Uh, er, er…Boy! [fakes a yawn] I’m tired. I – I – I think that Iwill, uh, I’ll go to bed now. [rises, grabs hat andcoat and heads for the exit]

Lois Lane: Okay, then, Clark. Well, we’ll tellyou what happened to the prince.

Clark Kent: [pauses in the doorway,reassuringly] Oh, I think he’ll be just fine, Lois.[puts on his ill-fitting reporter’s hat] Justfine.

[Kent exits. Lois, Jimmy and Perry bust out laughing.Music: dramatic pseudo-“Superman” theme. Cut tospinning newspaper — the front page headline on theDaily Planet reads: SUPERMAN MURDERS INNOCENTTOBACCONIST. An accompanying photo shows a shruggingSuperman.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 15

99o: The Rock / AC/DC

The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Helen Franklin…..The Rock

Leon Phelps: Yeah! What is happening? Welcome to “The Ladies Man”, the love line with all the right responses to your romantic queries. I’m Leon Phelps, how y’all doing tonight? That’s good! I’m doing pretty good, I got my Couversier right here. Now, tonight is a very special night for me, for I, Leon Phelps, am in love. Yes. I am in love. That’s right, yours truly, the most prolific wangsman of all time, has been smitten. Cupid has aimed her rifle of love in my face and scored a direct hit. So, I’m sorry, ladies, I am officially out of the game. Now, this lady that I am gonna bring out, she’s like no other woman. She even smells better than the usual skanks that I mess around with. So, please welcome the love of my life, Helen Franklin, everybody. [ Helen walks out, clearly a man dressed as a woman to all eyes except Leon’s ] Here.. she.. is.. Miss America!”

Helen Franklin: Hi, Leon.

Leon Phelps: Now, listen.. isn’t she the most unusual woman you’ve ever seen, folks? Yeah! Have a seat, baby! [ they sit ] You are so beautiful. Now, Helen is here tonight because she has something very important that she needs to tell me about herself. Is that right, Helen?

Helen Franklin: That’s right, Leon.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, now this is some kind of secret that you’ve been keeping, right?

Helen Franklin: Yeah, but I’m not sure you’re gonna want me to say it on TV.

Leon Phelps: [ laughs ] I know. Listen, I’m rushing everything, I know. Listen, why don’t we just start by telling the folks how we met.

Helen Franklin: Well, you came into where I work.. and that’s about it, I guess.

Leon Phelps: Come on! It was much more romantic than that. You see, I fell asleep on the bus, and when I woke up, I was in a part of town that I’d never seen before. It was somewhere down near the docks, I guess, because there were sailors everywhere.

Helen Franklin: Yeah, Leon, I really think you might want to talk about this in private..

Leon Phelps: Anyway, I got thirsty, and then I ducked into a bar – and, oh, what a bar this was! It was wall-to-wall, big sexy ladies! And these ladies – you’re never gonna believe this! A lot of them was dressed like big movie stars from the past. You know? There was Marilyn Monroe, and Judy Garland, Tallulah Bankhead.. it was crazy! Tell them who you were.

Helen Franklin: [ uncomfortable ] I was Ethel Merman.

Leon Phelps: Yea-ah! The young Ethel Merman! She was sexy! It was like Leon Phelps dies and went to heaven, ’cause there was sexy women everywhere! Even in the Men’s bathroom, if you can believe it!

Helen Franklin: Leon, I’m not sure of the kind of relationship you want to be in..

Leon Phelps: I already told you, there is nothing that could change my mind. I don’t care if you’re married, or if you have a venereal disease.. no, it doesn’t matter. I have had all the venereal diseases, I am not afraid of them!

Helen Franklin: No, no, no, no! It’s not that. Listen, I’m just gonna come right out, and be honest with you.. [ whispers in Leon’s ear ]

Leon Phelps: What?! You’re a undercover police officer! Is it safe for a woman like you to be a cop?

Helen Franklin: No, no, no, Leon. You’re still not getting it! [ whispers again ]

Leon Phelps: Yeah.. well, that is disgusting. Wow! But I guess it does explain a few things – like the time you kept growing a beard.

Helen Franklin: Sorry, Leon. The truth is, I have a wife and two kids.

Leon Phelps: A woman like you has a wife.. [ catches himself ] ..oh, yeah.. right, you a man – I forgot! Damn! You are good!

Helen Franklin: Well, Leon, that’s my job. I’m a Vice Cop, and I dress up like a lady to catch freaks and perverts who get their jollies soliciting drag queens.

Leon Phelps: Yeah. Well, you know, I’m a freak and a pervert, but I hardly ever get my jollies from drag queens. But, you know, if you a dude and a cop, how come you didn’t arrest me? After all, I offered to pay you to do a lot of freaky stuff.

Helen Franklin: Yes, you did. We have a list down at the precinct we go by, and, frankly, the kind of stuff you kept asking me to do, I just hadn’t even heard of! I mean, what is an Alabama Cragdangle, anyway?

Leon Phelps: [ laughing ] Yeah. Well, it’s something that I invented. It’s never really been done in practice, right now it’s just, you know, theoretical.

Helen Franklin: Look, Leon, let’s just forget about the whole thing. You’re off the hook. I tried to find something I could arrest you for, and I couldn’t. I even went back to your house, but all that happened was I fell alseep on your couch. Nothing else.

Leon Phelps: [ grins ] Yeah. Nothing else happened that night!

Helen Franklin: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! What’s that look for?

Leon Phelps: It’s nothing! [ laughs ] That’s all the time we have on “The Ladies Man” show. I hope you learned something about yourself, because I know I did! I’ll see you next time on “The Ladies Man”!

Helen Franklin: I have a wife and two kids!

Leon Phelps: Don’t worry, it’s cool!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 15

99o: The Rock / AC/DC

Nicotrel

Smoker…..Chris Parnell
Cheryl…..Ana Gasteyer
Nicotrel…..The Rock
…..Triple H
…..Mick Foley
…..Big Show

[open on a couple sitting on a couch in a nice living room]

Smoker: Cheryl had been trying to get me to stop smoking for years.

Cheryl: Then, when we got married, I absolutely drew the line.

Smoker: I knew I couldn’t do it alone. I mean, I tried quitting before: patches, gum, cold turkey..

Cheryl: That didn’t work.

Smoker: No. Nothing worked, until I tried Nicotrel. Nicotrel controls your cravings, and breaks your habit forever. Guaranteed. How can a drug make that promise?

[a tall, muscualr man in a tight, white shirt that says “Nictorel” and black pants walks onscreen]

Nicotrel: Because it’s not a drug; it’s me! Nicotrel. [puts his hand on Smoker’s shoulder] And I will make you stop smoking. [Smoker laughs nervously] I guarantee it.

Smoker: You see, Nictrol contains my cravings. [holds up a cigarette] Now, when I want a cigarette.. [ Nicotrel pulls Smoker over the sofa ] Oh, God, no!
Nicotrel: Stop smoking! [ clocks Smoker in the face ]

Smoker: [in agony] Oh, not my face! [whimpers]

Nicotrel: Now, here’s how Nicotrol works: [ punches Smoker, Smoker cries ] Nic lives with you.. [ punches Smoker ] You try to smoke.. [ punches Smoker ] ..Nic gets angry. Nic gets angry, you don’t smoke, period! [kicks Smoker in the stomach, then picks up a badly-made dummy version of Chris Parnell]

Smoker: No please, don’t! [Nicotrel throws the dummy, whose shoe falls off, out the window] AHHH!!

Cheryl: Nicotrel really works! [ laughs as Nicotrel sits down next to Cheryl]

Nicotrel: Me harming you. That’s the simple one-step program. I’m Nicotrel, and I will break your smoking habit. [ puts his arm around Cheryl ]

Cheryl: Nicotrel’s been a real life saver for us.

Nicotrel: The only thing between you and breaking your habit is my willpower and discipline. [Cheryl rubs Nick’s knee] And, let me tell you, I’ve got plenty of both. I’m strong and agile, and when I get angry, I tend just to go blank.

Smoker: [ climbing through window ] You get your hands off my wife, Nicotrel!

Nicotrel: [ gets up and walks across room ] You don’t talk to Nicotrel like that!

Smoker: Look, man, back off! I am not smoking! I am not smoking!

Nicotrel: Oh, yeah? [pulls out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket] What’s that? [ tosses pack of cigarette’s into Smoker’s hands ]

Smoker: Oh, God! Please don’t do this! [ Nicotrel smashes vase over Smoker’s head ] Cheryl! Oh, God, please stop. Please stop it! [Nicotrel breaks a chair over the Smoker’s head] Oh, my back. Oh, Jesus! Oh, God! [slumps behind the couch]

Nicotrel: He was gonna smoke those, Cheryl.

Cheryl: I know he was. [caresses Nick’s face]

Nicotrel: Nicotrel is a siginificant medical breakthrough. [ kicks smoker down ] An important new weapon in the battle against smoking. [ kicks smoker down ] And the difference is me – Nic! [ kicks smoker down ] Originally from northern Michigan, I was kicked out of the Army a few years ago, and now I do this! [ punches Smoker ]

Smoker: [ weeping, gets up from behind the couch ] I-I can’t emphasize this enough. Nic here hates the idea of you smoking. [Nick shakes his head yes]. You can’t reason with him. [Nick smiles and shakes his head no] You can’t bribe him. [Nick frowns and shakes his head no] He will own you! [Nick mouths the words “own you”] Nicotrel is Nicotrel!

[Cheryl gives Nick a cigarette]

Nicotrel: So say good-bye to that cigarette habit [puts the cigarette in Smoker’s mouth as the Smoker whimpers in fear]: And say hello to Nicotrel. [punches Smoker in the face repeatedly]

Cheryl: [looks back to see Smoker getting beaten up] Thanks, Nicotrel!

Nicotrel: [ stops punching Smoker ] You make Nic mad! [continues punching Smoker]

Smoker: Oh, stop! Please stop!

[A title overlay that reads “Nictorel” with an X’d out box below the “el” in “Nicotrel” appears followed by the line “Break the habit—or die trying”]

Announcer V/O: Nicotrel. Break the habit—or die trying!

[As the sketch ends, Mick Foley, Triple H, and Big Show appear and The Rock breaks character.]

Mick Foley: Stop, stop, stop! Stop it! What the hell are you doing?

The Rock: What?

Triple H: You call that a beating?

Chris Parnell: Hey, guys, what’s going on?

The Rock: Well, it’s not The Rock hitting him; it’s Nicotrel [points to name on his shirt]

Chris Parnell: Yeah, you know what? I got a sketch that I gotta go change for and I…

[Before Parnell can leave, Big Show picks Parnell up by the back and crotch while Ana Gasteyer scrambles off the set]

Big Show: [as he’s rolling Chris Parnell up and down his chest] That’s…how we give…a beating! [throws Parnell onto the ground]

Triple H: Now we’re talking!

Mick Foley: Yeah!

[The wrestlers, except for The Rock, proceed to kick and throw things at Chris Parnell]

Chris Parnell: No! Please, stop!

[Mick Foley runs to where Big Show is and body-slams Parnell. Triple H throws a vase at Parnell. The Rock breaks up the insanity of it all]

The Rock: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys! Seriously, seriously, break it up! Now that’s not right!

[Chris Parnell gets up, tired, beaten, and gasping for breath]

Chris Parnell: It certainly is not!

The Rock: No. [a beat] You’ve gotta kick harder. [kicks Chris Parnell in the stomach. Now The Rock joins the other three wrestlers in whaling on Chris Parnell]

[Fade out]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 15

99o: The Rock / AC/DC

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Jasper Hahn…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: And now, from the news capitol of the world, it’s “Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.”

Colin Quinn: Hi, I’m Colin Quinn and here are tonight’s top stories.

While marching at yesterday’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade here in New York City, First Lady Hillary Clinton was greeted with boos and shouts of “Go back to Arkansas!” Mrs. Clinton was unfazed by the abuse, however, having endured over the past seven years from her husband.

Meanwhile, Chelsea Clinton joined her father on his historic ten-day trip to India, Bangladesh, and Pakistan, which brings up an interesting question: Who exactly is babysitting whom?

After attending a fundraiser for her Senate campaign thrown by a New York Pakastani group, critics of First Lady Hillary Clinton charged this week that special interest groups seek to influence the President’s policies by making donations to his wife. The President laughed off these accusations, however, defying anyone to actually name one of his policies.

Wednesday, Mick Jagger officially admitted that he is in fact the father of Brazilian model Luciana Morad’s nine-month-old son. Coincidentally, Keith Richards announced this week that he also has an illegitimate son, Abe Vigoda.

And stung by criticism and calls for boycotts of her upcoming TV talk show, radio personality Dr. Laura Schlessinger apologized this week for recent anti-gay rhetoric that included calling homosexuals ‘deviant with biological disorder.’ In response, the gay community has apologized for scathing comments made about Dr. Laura’s hair and shoes.

Texas Governor George W. Bush this week blamed President Clinton for the recent increase in gas prices and said if he were president, he’d abolish the gas tax, and if necessary, go to war with Alaska and steal their oil.

Colin Quinn: We’re entering the home stretch of Campaign 2000. Here with his take on the candidates, in the tradition of political commentators like Garry Trudeau, is renowned political cartoonsit Jasper Hahn.

Jasper Hahn: [ laughing uproariously ] Hello, Colin! Oh, it’s nice to see you again! [ holds up sign, “Campaign 2000” ] America’s getting ready for the big election, and ol’ Jasper here has a few things to say about the front runners! [ laughs ] Alright, the first nominee is Al Gore. When I draw Al Gore, I like to focus on how funny he looks when he’s giving his speeches! [ draws phallic symbol ]

Colin Quinn: Hey, hey, hey! Get out of here with that garbage!

Jasper Hahn: Well, Colin, if I can continue.. [ continues drawing ] You see, Al Gore is like a goofy ol’ monkey! [ draws monkey from phallic symbol ] Always monkeying around with his loyalty. And he’s always looking around in every direction for support!

Colin Quinn: Yeah? Why’s that?

Jasper Hahn: ‘Cause he’s got cock-eyes! Yeah, there you go! [ finishes drawing ] You silly Gore! [ laughs ]

Colin Quinn: You’re pushing it, Jasper!

Jasper Hahn: Ooh, but look out! Look out, monkey Vice-President, you got competition! Yes, you do! And it’s none other than George W. Bush! [ start drawing ] This is what I think of when I think of George W. Bush! [ drawing resembles naked woman sitting open-legged ]

Colin Quinn: That’s enough, Jasper!

Jasper Hahn: [ confused ] What? It’s a political caricature!

Colin Quinn: No, it’s not! You get off on drawing dirty pictures on television!

Jasper Hahn: [ continues drawing ] The only thing that’s dirty is the way Governor Bush is alays hopping all over the political spectrum, gobbling up all the campaign contributions like they were carrots! [ drawing now resembles a rabbit ] And he’s always sniffing around for more money with his wet, busy nose, there ya go! [ circles nose on “private” area ] Oh, yeah! He’s Bushy W. Rabbit!

Colin Quinn: Okay, you’re out of here!

Jasper Hahn: Don’t you want to see my last caricature?

Colin Quinn: No!

Jasper Hahn: [ to audience ] Do you? [ audience applauds ] Oh, yeah! Wow! Well, Colin, the truth is, no matter who you vote for, you always end up weith more of the same.. [ draws naked woman bending over ]

Colin Quinn: So.. you gonna change that into some kind of animal, or something?

Jasper Hahn: Nope.

Colin Quinn: [ groans ] Jasper Hahn, everybody.

In international news, a Hong Kong based newsmagazine reported this week that suspected terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden is dying of kidney failure. The reclusive Bin Laden is reportedly hiding in the mountains of Afghanistan and is on a dialysis machine being pedaled by two of his followers.

And in Pakistan this week, a judge sentenced a convicted murderer to be strangled, cut into 100 pieces and then thrown into a vat of acid for his crimes. And that was a plea bargain.

Passengers on a commercial airlines flight Thursday averted disaster when they tackled a man who attacked a pilot in the cockpit and attempted to grab the controls. Fortunately, order was restored and the aircraft was allowed to crash on its own.

In Texas Wednesday, four-year-old Jayton Tidwell had his right arm re-attached after it was bitten off by his uncle’s pet tiger. Doctors at Houston Children’s Hospital said the boy should be able to lead “a very normal life”. Like hanging out with an uncle who owns a pet tiger.

Tuesday, “TV Guide” announced that it would cancel its Spanish-language edition, which was launched just last October. Evidently the magazine’s sales numbers began to drop after the 20th consecutive cover story on Jimmy Smits.

And Adam Farrar, Leonardo DiCaprio’s stepbrother, was arrested by Los Angeles police Wednesday on charges of attempting to murder his girlfriend, prompting OJ Simpson to remark, “Not so easy, is it?”

Colin Quinn: I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Good night, and thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 8th, 2000

Christopher Walken

Christina Aguilera

None

Dana Carvey

J. Mascis

Phil Hyms

Tina Fey
Father & Son BushSummary: George Bush (Dana Carvey) gives fatherly advice to George W. Bush (Will Ferrell).

Recurring Characters: George Bush, George W. Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Christopher Walken’s MonologueAlso Hosted: 89k, 92d, 95j, 00t, 02m.

Transcript

Behind The Music: Blue Oyster CultSummary: As the members of Blue Oyster Cult record “(Don’t) Fear The Reaper”, manager Bruce Dickinson (Christopher Walken) informs them that he wants to hear more cowbell.

Transcript

Elian, The Cuban Boy!Recurring Characters: Elian Gonzalez, Janet Reno, Fidel Castro.

Transcript

The ContinentalSummary: The Continental (Christopher Walken) attempts to put the moves on a neighbor woman who has stopped by to retrieve her mail.

Recurring Characters: The Continental.

Transcript

ViagraSummary: Exasperated wives aren’t too thrilled with their unappealing husbands’ newfound sexual energy.

Transcript

Jenny JonesSummary: An excitable audience member (Christopher Walken) expresses his thoughts on Jenny Jones’ (Racel Dratch) guests.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Jacob Silj.

Transcript

Christina Aguilera performs “I Turn To You”Also Performed: 02o, 06e.

Also Hosted: 03m.

The CensusSummary: Census taker (Tim Meadows) endures strange encounter with Mr. Leonard (Christopher Walken) while asking questions.

Transcript

Miss Greenwood Hills Beauty PageantSummary: Fifty-year old Sally O’Malley (Molly Shannon) participates in a beauty pageant.

Recurring Characters: Sally O’Malley.

Transcript

Christina Aguilera performs “At Last” & “What A Girl Wants”

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Angel of DeathSummary: Clad in black, an angel (Christopher Walken) from above can’t garner respect from a dying woman (Ana Gasteyer) whose life he’s trying to save.

Transcript

FonzieSummary: Milos Forman’s latest bio-pic examines the life of Arthur “Fonzie” Fonzarelli (Christopher Walken).

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 16

99p: Christopher Walken / Christina Aguilera

The Angel of Death

Diane…..Ana Gasteyer
Doctor…..Rachel Dratch
Glen…..Chris Parnell
Angel…..Christopher Walken
Granny Fran…..Cheri Oteri

[Open on establishing shot of Mercy General Hospital. Fade in on hospital room where Diane is in bed coughing as the doctor checks her heartbeat and breathing with a stethoscope and Diane’s husband, Glen, stands by the bed, worried for Diane’s life]

Diane: [breathing heavily] Glen? Glen, where are you? Glen?

Glen: [to Doctor] I-I don’t think she can make it through another night of this, Doctor. Why isn’t she getting better?

Doctor: Mr. Connors, your wife has a rare virus. We’ve done all we can to make her more comfortable. We’re just going to have to wait and see. I’m sorry.

[Doctor leaves the room]

[Diane moans, tossing and turning in bed]

Glen: I’m right here, Diane. Don’t you let go honey.

Diane: [delirious with illness] Granny Fran? Granny Fran, is that you? Granny Fran? Oh, God! God, help me!

[a heavenly chorus sings as a bright light shines on Diane. Diane sits up]

Diane: [cheerfully] It’s so bright! The room!

Glen: [unaware of what Diane is experiencing] Diane, what is it? What’s the matter, sweetheart?

[As Diane gasps and breathes heavily, a black-haired angel dressed in a black trenchcoat with matching slacks, wings, and Converse sneakers appears in front of Diane]

Diane: [horrified at the sight of the angel] Oh, God, NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Glen: [running out of the hospital room] Doctor! Doctor!

[Diane whimpers as the angel approaches her]

Angel: Be not afraid…Diane. [Diane continues whimpering in fear]: I’m an angel…sent from Heaven above to heal you. [Diane still whimpers as the angel extends his hand to her]: Give me your hand.

Diane: [scared] I’m not gonna touch you! You’re the Angel of Death! I didn’t ask for the Angel of Death!

Angel: Nay, my child. I’m not…a servant of Death. I’ve been sent from Heaven above to comfort you.

Diane: [wailing and pointing] Ahh, Lucifer!

Angel: [insulted] That’s so unfair. I mean, that’s—that’s just…mean. You don’t know me at all and you just called me a very hurtful name.

Diane: [crying] I’m not ready to die!

Angel: What did I just say a second ago? I’m a messenger from Heaven above. Death is not my boss.

Diane: [voice cracks with fear] You’re scaring me!

Angel: [extends his hand out again] Take my hand.

Diane: No!

Angel: [insistent] Take it!

Diane: [cringes away from the Angel] I’m not gonna take it!

Angel: [threatening] Diane, you gimme your freakin’ hand right now…or I’ll shove it up your wazoo. [calms down] Sorry, I’m feeling a little defensive here.

Diane: Well, I—Well, I’m sorry, too. I prayed for an angel and I get somebody from a Wes Craven movie.

Angel: I feel labeled. How ‘bout…you skip the judgments based on my appearance and I can let you live another fifty years?

Diane: You know, I was scared, but now I’m pissed. I’m not making a judgment; it’s a fact. You’re creepy.

Angel: Please tell me, Diane…how I can modify my creepiness to meet your needs.

Diane: I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it.

Angel: Is it about my outfit? I feel comfortable in black. It’s slimming…and when I was on Earth, I owned a gallery.

Diane: Yeah, well, it’s off-putting. I mean, black wings?

Angel: I’m funky. I’ve always been funky. You’re lucky I gave up the driving gloves.

Diane: [angered] All right! You know what? You can go straight back to Hell!

Angel: You know what? You know what you’re doing, Diane? It’s the angel equivalent to police profiling.

Diane: All right, you know what? You have to admit; you’re a tad—you’re a tad Luciferish.

Angel: [annoyed] You think Lucifer would stand here and have a debate with you about stereotyping? What are you, high? Lucifer…would have stuck…three fingers up your ass and pulled you into Hell!

[Diane is shocked by the Angel’s morbid description]

Diane: You know, if you are one of God’s soldiers, you got a really foul mouth.

Angel: I can’t win…coming or going. How ‘bout I get on the horn to CBS…maybe get Della Reese down here. Maybe you’d feel comfortable touching a big mama type!

Diane: [bitterly] Why don’t I just add “sarcasm” to your list of angelic qualities?

Angel: I’ll tell you what, Diane. If I was…The Prince of Darkness come to getcha, I certainly wouldn’t look like this! I’d come to you dressed as your old…dear old, I don’t know…Fran…Granny Fran. Only when you got close to her, her breath would smell like a bathing cap full of cat crap…and she’d sneeze out maggots!

Diane: [disgusted] You are officially gross!

Angel: I guarantee you. I’m here to save your life, darling.

[An elderly woman with thick glasses, a blue sweater, a floral skirt, and tan orthopedic shoes appears at the doorway and shuffles towards Diane’s bed]

Granny Fran: [in a calming voice] My favorite granddaughter. I am your gaurdian angel.

[Diane sighs with relief]

Angel: Well, this…is a rather obvious little coincidence.

Granny Fran: Give me your hand, my dear…and you will live a long, long life.

Diane: Oh, Granny Fran!

Angel: Have I been talking out my butt, Diane?

[Granny Fran comes closer to Diane as Diane reaches out to touch her]

Diane: [holds Granny Fran’s outstretched hand] Granny Fran, I’ve been so afraid! [sniffs, shocked] What’s that smell?

[Diane drops dead in her hospital bed as the heart monitor flatlines. The Angel snorts knowingly as Granny Fran cackles evilly, backs out of the room, and disappears in the mist. A low heavenly choir plays briefly as Glen returns to Diane’s hospital room with the doctor to find his wife dead]

Glen: Diane! No! No! No! [buries his face at the foot of Diane’s bed, weeping over her death. Heavenly music begins to play. Walken breaks character and addresses the audience]

Christopher Walken: To all of youse out there…who believe that angels should…look and behave a certain way: Eat my shorts!

[Heavenly chorus singing swells as Walken (who has been in a harness since the first time he was shown in this sketch) “flies” away and hangs above the hospital bed, with only the bottom of his coat, his pants, and his sneakers visible. The studio audience cheers as Walken hangs there before delivering his final line]

Christopher Walken: Who do I have to blow to get a break around here?

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Candy Young

SNL Transcripts