Category: 1999

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 17

99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

The Studio 8-H Rules

…..Darrell Hammond
…..Tobey Maguire
…..Chris Parnell
…..Chris Kattan
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Cheri Oteri
…..Tim Meadows
…..Lorne Michaels

Darrell Hammond: What’s it like being in movies, Tobey?

Tobey Maguire: Oh, it’s fun, Darrell. You meet a lot of nice people, and you get to stay in a trailer..

Darrell Hammond: Ohhhh.. someday I’m gonna be in a movie!

Tobey Maguire: Well, I’m sure you will.

Chris Parnell: Tobey? Do you think Lorne will make a movie out of my Tom Brokaw impression?

Tobey Maguire: Uh.. maybe. [ Darrell and Chris get excited ] Go to sleep, guys, it’s late.

Chris Kattan: [ sitting inside a plastic bubble, wheezing ] Tobey?

Tobey Maguire: Yeah, Chris, what do you need?

Chris Kattan: Tobey, will you read to me?

Tobey: Yeah, sure. What do you want me to read?

Chris Kattan: US Weekly.. will you see if I’m in there..?

Tobey Maguire: Okay.. uh.. “Lauren Holly and her beau, Con Air screenwriter Scott Rosenburg, flew to Vegas last week for the Show West awards..”

Tracy Morgan: Yo, yo yo Tobey.. Wait a minute. You can read?

Tobey Maguire: Yeah, of course.

Tracy Morgan: Well, come over here for a minute.

Tobey Maguire: Okay.

Tracy Morgan: Would you do us a solid, and read this for us? [ points to sign ]

Tobey Maguire: Oh.. these are the studio rules.

Cheri Oteri: Yeah, yeah.. what do they say?

Tobey Maguire: Uh, well, it says.. Studio 8H Rules. Number One: No smoking in the studio. [ Cheri takes the cigarette out of her mouth ] Number Two: No sketches longer than three minutes.

Cheri Oteri: [ laughs ] Okay, that’s good..

Tobey Maguire: Number Three: Stay out of Joe Piscopo’s dressing room. He is a giant star, and must be treated as such.

Cheri Oteri: Okay, that’s an old one. I don’t think that applies any more.

Tobey Maguire: Number Four: All sketches must have a big funny ending.

Cheri Oteri: Now you see, that’s harder than it sounds..

Tracy Morgan: Man, these rules were made by people who don’t know anything about us.

Cheri Oteri: Right?

Tobey Maguire: Yeah. Life’s like that sometimes.

Lorne Michaels: Alright, lights out, everyone. Say your prayers. Jimmy Fallon has left us, he’s gone to “Ally McBeal” to play the new hotshot attorney. Be happy for Jimmy.

Everyone: Good night, Jimmy..

Lorne Michaels: Good night, you princes of NBC, you kings of late night.

Everyone: Good night, Lorne.

[ Lorne exits ]

Tobey Maguire: Well, good night, you guys.

Everyone: Good night, Tobey!

[ Tobey exits ]

Chris Kattan: Why does Lorne say that to us every night?

Tim Meadows: To manipulate us into signing long contracts for lower amounts of money.

Chris Kattan: Oh.. (wheezing) when are the Emmy’s?

Tim Meadows: It doesn’t matter, go to sleep.

[ cut to Tobey entering Lorne’s office ]

Tobey Maguire: Lorne.. [ sees Lorne sniffing ether ] oh.. sorry.

Lorne Michaels: Oh.. [ lowers the ether ] ..come in. I’m just sniffing ether.

Tobey Maguire: I just wanted to say thanks for having me.

Lorne Michaels: I think you’re gonna do a great show tomorrow night, Tobey.

Tobey Maguire: Uh, Lorne.. the show’s tonight.

Lorne Michaels: Ah.. I’ve gotta cool it with the ether.. [ holds it up to his nose again ]

Tobey Maguire: Good night, you prince of sketch comedy, you king of.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tobey Maguire: 04/15/00: Burger Castle

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 25: Episode 17

99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

Burger Castle

Nadeen…..Cheri Oteri
Curtis……..Tobey Maguire
Male Customer #1….Jimmy Fallon
Male Customer #2….Horatio Sanz
Male Customer #3….Tim Meadows
Female Customer #1….Rachel Dratch
Female Customer #2…..Ana Gasteyer

Nadeen: Welcome to Burger Castle. How can I help ya today?

Male Customer #1: I’ll have a bacon cheddar royal, and please please don’t forget the ketchup.

Nadeen: Just simmah down now.

Male Customer #1: Excuse me?

Nadeen: Simmah down now. And your Cat soup is on yonder condiment counter over there.

Male Customer #1: Cat soup? Where are you from?

Nadeen: Well, I’m gonna be from the state of Hell if you don’t simmah down now. Now simmah down!

Male Customer #1: I don’t know what that means, I’m just gonna ask you to super size it.

Nadeen: Sir, you are not at MACDonalds and if you were I would tell you to MC-Simmah Down now!

Male Customer #1: You just lost a sale. Or I’m gonna take my $1.49 over to Wendy’s!

Nadeen: Fine, you tell David Thomas he better simmah down now too! Woo, I’ll tell ya. Who next?

Male Customer #2: That’s me.

Nadeen: Oh.

Male Customer #2: I’ll have a, large cheese-Laroy, and some Jester fries and a diet coke.

Nadeen: Alright slow it down now, slow it down.

Male Customer #2: Hot moat apple pie, and a Prince Sundae.

Nadeen: Alright, slow it down now, simmah down now, ya like Orson Welles now.

Male Customer #2: Hey! What the hell? I don’t need this.

Nadeen: You’re gonna need a triple bypass now. Now simmah down.

Male Customer #2: Alright what the hell?

Nadeen: (Imitates a car that won’t start) Simmmmmm (shakes head)…simmmmmmm (shakes head) Simmmmmmah down now! Simmah down now! Simmah down!

Male Customer #2: What is wrong with you?

Nadeen: You better simmah down and get before I take a switch to you now simmah and get! Man! Who dat next?

(A male/female couple approach)

Male Customer #3: Hi, we’re really in a hurry, ok? So we’d like, uh 2 Sir Fish A-lots…

Nadeen: Ohh…2 Simmahs…

Female Customer #1: Yeah, 2 orders of Jester fries…

Nadeen: 2 orders of Down…

Male Customer #3: And 2 vanilla shakes…

Nadeen: And 2 large nows…making your total…Oh, look at this…Simmah down now! Simmah down!

Male Customer #3: What?! We won’t simmer down now.

Nadeen: Pipe down now?

Male Customer #3: No, we won’t pipe down now either. But we will see your manager.

Nadeen: Alright, Curtis, need ya up front now, ya hear? Curtis, up front, ya hear? Come on.

Curtis: Welcome to Burger Castle, is there a problem here?

Female Customer #1: Yeah, uh, this woman is being very rude.

Nadeen: Nadeen!

Male Customer #3: Yeah, ok, Nadeen here is giving us a hard time.

Nadeen: He like, he come in and he go, “Oh, we are in a hurry.” Like that.

Curtis: Hmm, well I, I think I understand your predicament sir, and on behalf of Burger Castle Corporation, I’d like to invite you, and your lady friend to simmah down now!

Male Customer #3: What?!

Curtis: Hmm, perhap I can put it to you more clearly: First and 10 “simmah” take the snap drop back find “down” in the end zone for a touchdown. “Now” I come on and kick the extra point. Simmah to down followed by now, and it’s Simmah down now!

Male Customer #3: That’s ridiculous! That’s it, come on honey, let’s go get us some Whoppers!

Nadeen: Yeah have it your way at the Burger King! They in a hurry!(woman approaches)

Female Customer #2: Hi, um, I just bought a Kiddy Castle Meal for my son and there isn’t a prize in it.

Nadeen: Oh, so you would like an “extra” Road to El Dorado figurine?

Female Customer #2: No, I don’t want an extra figurine; I want the one that wasn’t in the Kiddy Castle Meal I bought.

Nadeen: Ma’am, it’s called a “Castle Meal”, not a “Hassle Meal”, ya best simmah!

Female Customer #2: Simmah? How bout I simmah to your manager?

Nadeen: Fine, Curtis? Up here again ya hear? Up again hear? Come on!

Curtis: Yeah?

Nadeen: Curtis…

Curtis: How can I help ya Ma’am?

Female Customer #2: Uh, you can start by firing her.

Curtis: Ma’am, (holds up Donna Summer record) who is this Queen of Disco?

Female Customer #2: Donna Summer?

Nadeen: Now how do her name appear in the phone book?

Female Customer #2: Summer Donna?

Nadeen: Stretch it out now, stretch it out!

Female Customer #2: Summer, summer don-na..

Curtis: Loud and clear now.

Female Customer #2: Summer don-na.

Nadeen: Keep going.

Female Customer #2: Summer don-na!

Curtis: Summer Donna that’s right simmah down now! That’s it! Now get! Get before I take a whippin to you! Come on now simmah down now!

(Screaming until the lady and her son leave the place)

(Fade to black)

Submitted by: Mia

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 17

99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

Inside The Actor’s Studio

James Lipton…..Will Ferrell
Dustin Diamond…..Tobey Maguire

James Lipton: In going through the list of great characters… few come to mind. Blanche Dubois, from “Streetcar Named Desire”.. Willy Loman, from “Death of a Salesman”.. and, of course.. Screech, from “Saved By The Bell”. That actor is with us today. Please join me in welcoming.. Mr. Dustin Diamond.

[ Dustin Diamond enters the set, grimacing like a buffoon ]

James Lipton: The character.. the character of Screech. Where did he come from?

Dustin Diamond: A place inside me! There’s a Screech inside all of us, but.. mostly, it’s a funny voice!

James Lipton: In 1992.. a made-for-television film came out that changed the face of American cinema. That film, of course, is “Saved By The Bell: Hawaiian Style”. If you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor and see the greatest film EVER! In the history.. of the world. In that piece.. you were kidnapped by the Pupuku clan. How did you prepare for that?

Dustin Diamond: Well, I’d like to say that I studied a lot for that part – you know, reading stuff on Hawaii – but.. we just had fun. I do this thing in my head, I.. pretend to put on a funny hat.. and then I just get crazy!! [ laughs like a moron ]

James Lipton: In that picture.. Kelly’s grandfather invites the entire gang to Hawaii for summer holiday.

Dustin Diamond: Yes! The thing about that-

James Lipton: [ interrupting ] They expect a marvelous time at the beach, sans Mr. Belding. They arrive.. and discover Mr. Bedling is there as well, don’t they?

Dustin Diamond: Yes! Yes, he is! [ cracking up ] They didn’t think he was gonna be there, but he is! That’s the ,b>twist part! [ laughs ]

James Lipton: You.. are a delight! [ breaks into a boisterous guffaw ]

Dustin Diamond: Thank you! [ with nothing else to do, joins Liptin in his boistorous guffaw ]

James Lipton: [ finally ] In 1993, Dustin leaves the “DSaved By The Bell” series, to stretch his acting chops, if you will.. and, in 1994, he found a role that suited him. That of an administrative assistant to a high school principal.. in “Saved By The Bell: The New Class”. If you want to see an actor practice his craft at the highest level.. you need look no further than “Saved By The Bell: The New Class” – it’s marvelous!

Dustin Diamond: When I thought.. that I was fone with the role of Screech, I swore I would never do it again – then.. I read the script. I wept openly on the flight to Philadelphia! You don’t come across writing like that every day!

James Lipton: Indeed, you don’t. Of course, we will conclude our.. evening.. with a questionnaire.. invented by the great Bernard Pivot.

Dustin Diamond: Oh, boy! Ha ha ha!

James Lipton: What is your favorite word?

Dustin Diamond: Oh, uh.. [ thinking ] Pancake!

James Lipton: What turns you off?

Dustin Diamond: When.. someone throws garbage or feces at you?

James Lipton: What sound, or noise, do you love?

Dustin Diamond: To be honest.. applause.

[ the audience erupts into forced applause, much to Dustin’s bemused delight ]

James Lipton: I think we all like that. What is your favorite curse word?

Dustin Diamond: Hmm.. “frosted nuts”! [ giggles coquettishly ]

James Lipton: [ laughs uproariously with Dustin ] Nicely done! And, finally.. if Heaven exists.. what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?

Dustin Diamond: “Up here.. you’d be playing the role of Zack!“

James Lipton: [ clapping ] Dustin Diamond.. on behalf of The Actor’s Studio, and the student before, I thank you.

Dustin Diamond: Thank you!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 17

99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

Westlink

Announcer…..Chris Parnell

[ open on image of a hangglider soaring past a mountaintop ]

Announcer: Life.. is all about finding greatness. And riding its edges.

[ add company logo to corner of the scene ]

Announcer: That’s Westlink.

[ dissolve to Japanese children walking with parasols from futuristic-looking house ]

Announcer: We know the future can be something traditional.

[ dissolve to rocket lifting into the solar system ]

Announcer: And something wonderfully new. Westlink.

[ dissolve to elderly man walking with pick-axe swung over his shoulder ]

Announcer: Because our fathers worked hard.. and we owe it to them.

[ dissolve to little girl sitting on a log holding a globe ]

Announcer: And our children’s dreams are the greatest treasure imaginable.

[ dissolve to close-up of a pizza with the works being sliced in half by a cutter ]

Announcer: Westlink. Generations of insight and ingenuity.

[ dissolve to profile of the Sphinx, followed by a tight shot of a city landscape ]

Announcer: Finding a way to make the extraordinary commonplace.

[ dissolve to silhouette of mom and dad lifting up their young child, with company logo in corner of the screen ]

Announcer: Westlink. Even we don’t know what we do.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 17

99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

Yoga Class

Travis…..Tobey Maguire
Star Student…..Will Ferrell
Female Student #1…..Molly Shannon
Male Student #1…..Chris Parnell
Male Student #2…..Chris Kattan
Male Student #3…..Tim Meadows
Female Student #2…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on exterior, Glendale Fitness Center ]

[ dissolve to interior, classroom, as Travis enters ]

Travis: Good evening, everybody. I’m Travis. and I’ll be leading today’s class. We’re going to start in a comfortable position. Remember: concentrate on our breathing. Breath deep. Now.. exhale, while reaching your hands toward the sky, palms touching.. letting go all the tension you’re holding, releasing it from your body. Good.. good.. Now.. legs out in front of you, as we go into the Forward Plow Pose. Hands reached for the feet.. try to touch your elbows to the ground. [ the class deepen their breaths as they stretch ] Ah.. that’s it! Reach! Feel the spine elongate, your breath deepens, the mind is qui-et!

Star Student: Never been this close..! Almost..!

Travis: Now.. slowly.. roll yourself.. back up.. feel.. each vertical lift..

[ full shot of room reveals a student with his legs stretched, his head tucked neatly in his pants as he administers the act of self-fellacio. His moans are audible, and cause the other students to turn to him for an explanation. ]

[ reactions from the other students in the class reveal their fright and disgust ]

Female Student #1: Oh! Oh, my God! Gross!! What is that guy doing?! Gro-o-o-o-o-osss!!

Male Student #1: [ suddenly impressed ] Look at him – he’s limber!

Star Student: Ohhhh, yeahh!!

Male Student #2: I didn’t think that was possible..

Male Student #3: You know, I read in Maxim that it wasn’t.

Travis: Excuse me, sir?

Star Student: [ underneath his pants ] Ohhhhhhh… ahhhhhhh..!

Travis: Sir? Could you please stop doing that..?

Star Student: [ stops moaning, but doesn’t remove his head from his pants ] Are you talking to me?

Travis: Yes, sir. Yes.

Star Student: Ah. [ pulls his head up from out of his pants ] Look.. I’ve done yoga every day for three yrars now.. and I’ve finally reached my goal. So, uh.. I’m gonna enjoy this. You just go on.

Travis: Sir! I admit your.. “flexibility” is impressive, but you’re distracting the class. Could you please go somewhere else and do that?

Star Student: I would.. but I’m scared if I get up I won’t be able to get back down in this position.. so, uh.. just keep going, I’ll catch up with the class later.

Travis: [ sighs ] Well.. fine. Put him out of your mind.

Star Student: Ohhhhhh.. whooooooo… damn!

Travis: Well.. just ignore him. Let’s move on to a new pose – the Downward Facing Dog. Tailbones toward the sky – stretch your hamstrings..

Star Student: Ohh..! I’ve waited three long years for this, my friend! Whoo!

[ the students begin to look at the other student with more interest than the activities of the classroom ]

Travis: Come on.. we’re moving on to Downward Facing Dog! Let’s go! Get in position!

Male Student #3: Forget the Down Dog – I want to know how to do this!

Star Student: This is for me!

Male Student #1: Yeah, yeah.. what’s that pose called again?

Star Student: Forward Plow!

Male Student #2: Yeah, teach us that!

Star Student: Oh, yeahhh, baby.. nobody else..! Ow!!

Travis: [ annoyed ] You know, if that’s why you want to learn yoga, then you’re doing it for the wrong reason!

Male Student #3: Okay, then, we’re doing it for the wrong reason.

Male Student #1: Yeah, we’re bad people. Now, just show us the pose, Yogi!

Travis: [ between clenched teeth ] The point of yoga.. is to calm the mind.. and find your.. nirvana.

Star Student: I found my nirvana!

Travis: [ now fully aggravated ] Okay! You can forget it! I’m not going to teach you that!

Male Student #2: What a gyp!

Male Student #3: Yeah.. he can’t teach us, ’cause he can’t do it!

Travis: [ weakly ] Oh, I-I-I could.. but I don’t want to do that to myself.. I’m not gay..

Star Student: [ taking offense, lifts his head out of his pants ] Hey! You masturbate with your own hand, don’t you? Does that make you gay? No! [ returns to his pants ]

Male Student #3: That’s good logic.

Male Student #1: He’s got a point.

Male Student #2: I have to agree with him.

Star Student: Mmmm..! Yeahhhhh! This is all for me! Whooooo!!

Male Student #3: [ to Travis ] You know.. you-you’re just jealous ’cause you can’t do it.

Travis: [ offended ] Oh, I-I-I could do that if I-I wanted to..

Male Student #1: Prove it!

Male Student #3: Prove it!

Male Student #2: Yeah , prove it! Come on!

Female Student #1: Show ’em, Travis.. come on.

[ Travis stretches his legs and attempts to lean toward his crotch, but can’t seem to make the distance ]

Male Student #3: He can’t do it!

Travis: Oh, I-I-I could do it.. I just have to be drunk.

Male Student #3: [ laughs ] Yeah, sure!

Travis: No. you know what? I don’t need this! Class is cancelled! I’m leaving! [ exits room ]

Female Student #1: I’m leaving, too. This is so ridiculous.. [ exits room ]

[ the other students crowd around the Star Student ]

Male Student #1: So, uh.. every day for three years, huh? Th-that’s all it takes..?

Star Student: Uh-huh.. whoo..!

Male Student #3: Hey, uh.. buddy, do you think you could teach us?

Male Student #1: Yeah, yeah! That would be great!

Female Student #2: C-could you teach a girl to do that?

Star Student: Maybe. Look.. I’ve waited three years for this, so, uh.. if you guys could just.. leave me alone, give me some time, I.. promise I will.. teach the class tomorrow.

[ the other students chant “Cool! Excellent!” as they exit the classroom ]

Travis: He’ll get bored of it, eventually..

[ dissolve to exterior, Glendale Fitness Center, SUPER: “Three years later” ]

[ dissolve to interior, classroom, as Japanese fitness members enter the room to find the Star Student still sucking away at himself ]

[ Star Student lifts his head out of his pants, revealing a long white beard and scraggly hair – he has aged quite a bit ]

Star Student: Could you just give me a couple more minutes? Thanks. [ returns underneath his pants ] Oh-ho-ho! Where were we..?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 11th, 2000

Joshua Jackson

*NSYNC

None

Badal Roy

The Statler Brothers
Newsmen Phone ChatSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond), Tom Brokaw (Chris Parnell) and Bernard Shaw (Tim Meadows) express their dismay in the probability of a Bush and Gore election.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Tom Brokaw, Bernard Shaw.

Transcript

Montage

Joshua Jackson’s MonologueSummary: Joshua Jackson promises that tonight’s teen-based episode will one day become memorable in retrospect.

Transcript

Hamburger Helper AntibacterialNote: Repeat from 01/08/00.

Regis Co-Host AuditionsSummary: In the wake of Kathie Lee Gifford’s departure, Regis Philbin (Darrell Hammond) auditions for a new sidekick.

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Gellman, Star Jones, Barbara Walters, Donny Osmond.

Wedding SingersSummary: A pair of wedding singers just barely know one song: “(I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight).”

Transcript

On the Road with the BoysSummary: The members of 7 Degrees Celsius meet their biggest fan (Joshua Jackson).

Recurring Characters: Emily De La Cruz, Sara Therese Longo, Jeph, Samm, Wade, Sweet T, Peter Tanner.

Lez It upSummary: When a group of frat boys make a wish for lesbians, the results are not the wild event they expected.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Writer Kevin Brennan lists the differences between presidential frontrunners George W. Bush and Al Gore.

Transcript

*NSYNC performs “Bye Bye Bye”

Let’s Talk BooksSummary: Panelists discuss a list of bestsellers that are comprised of books with naughty title and author combinations.

Transcript

Collette ReardonSummary: Pill-popping Collette Reardon (Cheri Oteri) visits her nephew’s (Joshua Jackson) prep school.

Recurring Characters: Collette Reardon.

Neil Armstrong: The Ohio YearsSummary: In a film by Adam McKay, Neil Armstrong is obsessed with the memory of walking on the moon.

*NSYNC performs “I Thought She Knew”

Three-Way CoupleSummary: Warren Kirney (Chris Parnell) asks the yardboy (Joshua Jackson) to join him and Fran (Ana Gasteyer) in a three-way.

Recurring Characters: Warren Kirney, Fran Kirney.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Let’s Talk Books

Moderator…..Will Ferrell
Karen Holsbrook…..Ana Gasteyer
Kevin Henchey…..Joshua Jackson
Professor Carl Lenz…..Tim Meadows

Moderator: Welcome to “Let’s Talk Books”. Homer, Dante, Shakespeare.The great canon of world literature. Is it still worth teaching on collegecampuses in this age of multiculturalism? Or is it time we open thecurriculum to other kinds of literature? With me, here to discuss thechanging politics behiund curriculum in our colleges – from TempleUniversity, Karen Holsbrook; Kevin Henchey, a frequent contributor toThe Nation; and joining us from Yale University, Professor Carl Lenz.Welcome, all of you. Um.. Professor Holsbrook, I want to start with you.Let’s say I have a child entering college next Fall. Will he be readingShakespeare?

Karen Holsbrook: [ light laugh ] I certainly hope so. No one’sarguing that we throw out the great writers. But, clearly, it’s time thatwe open the door to other writers who are not often associated with the”great” works.

Moderator: Like, Zora Neil Herston, or Toni Morrison?

Karen Holsbrook: Mmm hmm. Also, Ida Paxton Freely..

Moderator: I’m sorry? I’m not familiar with her work..

Karen Holsbrook: The Yellow River? By I.P. Freely?

Moderator: Oh. Of course. I.P. Freely. Didn’t she also writeLights Out at the Boys School?

Kevin Henchey: [ interrupting ] No, no.. Lights Out at the BoysSchool was written by a husband-and-wife team – Holden & Sharon Dix.

Moderator: Ah. Holden and Sharon Dix. I always confuse them withthe East German writer – Lotta Cox. But are these the kind ofwriters we’re talking about? Dix? Cox?

Karen Holsbrook: I’m glad you mentioned Lotta Cox. The Diary ofa Hooker would make any new list of great nooks.

Kevin Henchey: Oh, I agree. But you might also include Through aBrown, Darkly, by Ilene Dover on that list. But something we reallyhaven’t hit upon is the relunctance to include Asian literature in thisargument. I don’t know how you could overlook one of the greats of theWest – Stain on the Great Wall, by Hoo Flung Poo. Or, of course,there’s always How to Make $30, by Chu Sum Wang.

Moderator: Okay. Well, that really is the meat of the matter. Dowe include Chu Sum Wang? Professor Lenz, I see you’re shaking your head.

Professor Carl Lenz: No, I mean, that’s just it. You can’t includeeverything. I mean, do we need Homosexuality in Irish Culture, byMichael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael? I don’t think so. Last weekI asked my students what they wanted to read, and it was Shakespeare. NotThe Tiger’s Revenge, by some obscure French author.

Kevin Henchey: [ helping ] Claude Balls.

Professor Carl Lenz: What?

Kevin Henchey: You’re referring to The Tiger’s Revenge, byClaude Balls. An excellent writer on par with Dick Gosinia, or the Greekwriter, Harry Paratesties.

Karen Holsbrook: Paratesties is certainly on par with Ballsor Cox. Absolutely. Now, I read a scathing indictment of drugs andprofessional sports, called Under the Bleachers, by Seymour Butz.

Kevin Henchey: Exactly. I think it’s really non-fiction like thisthat we need to be looking at. I taught a seminar at Duke University,where we read Richard Sawyer and Alan Bush’s fascinating study of voyeurism..

Karen Holsbrook: Mmm hmm. The Sawyer-Bush Report.

Kevin Henchey: Yes. Yes. And, from there, we segue-wayed into aninteresting report on the Stonewall Riots, authored by Harrison Butz andRandall Dixon.

Moderator: Oh, I love Dixon-Butz.

Professor Carl Lenz: We all love Dixon-Butz. But does thatmean we should grant them immediate status in the pantheon of greatliterature? I mean, what happens to Charles Dickins or Andre de Balsac?

Kevin Henchey: Oh, who cares? Really, truly? I prefer Dixon-Butzto Balsac. I mean, who wants Balsac shoved in your face?

Moderator: Actually, if truth be told, I can’t think of nothing I’drather do on a cold, wintry night, than curl up with a leathery, musky oldBalsac. And I think we can all agree on that. [ everyone agrees ] Well,that’s about all the time we have here on “Let’s Talk Books”. Join us nextweek, when we’ll be discussing Venereal Disease & its Effects”, byMaya P. Burns and Dick Hertz.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Goodnights

…..Joshua Jackson

Joshua Jackson: I’d like to say thanks to *NSYNC! And Badal Roy! [ audience cheers ] Happy birthday, Rob Cohen! And hi to all the guys out at North Carolina! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Joshua Jackson’s Monologue

…..Joshua Jackson

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen – Joshua Jackson!

Joshua Jackson: I’ve gotta say, it is great to be here in New York City! My name is Joshua Jackson, I play Pacey on the show “Dawson’s Creek”, in case you didn’t know.

Now, if you are a teenage girl, I’m fairly confident you’ve heard of me, and also, the musical guest, N*Sync. And, if you’re the parent of a teenage girl, you might vaguely know who I am. And, if you’re a man in his forties who doesn’t have kids but still volunteers to coach Little League.. you definitely know who I am, and, please, please, stop sending me letters.

Okay, but I really want to talk to people who aren’t familiar with my work or N*Sync, and I just want to say to them – we’re gonna do a great show, just give us a chance! Especially you hipsters in your mid-twenties, who think you’re too cool to watch tonight’s show. I mean, come on, get off your high horse, okay? I mean, think back, ten years ago, how excited you would have been if Jason Priestly and Color Me Badd would have been on the show – you loved it! And that’s what this is like!

And, if you’re in your thirties, think back fifteen years ago – it’s like if Kirk Cameron hosted and Frankie Goes To Hollywood was the musical guest. I know that doesn’t sound god, but, for some reason, in the mid-eighties, it was.

And, if you were a teenager when the show first started, think how you felt when you found out that John Travolta and ABBA were on the show, right? That sounds like a great show, but it never happened! That’s just how you remembered it. Because you always remember this stuff as better than it was. This is the show they actually had:

[ cut to fake footage of the 1978 season opening montage ]

Don Pardo V/O: Tonight’s musical guest: Foghat. And your host: Epstein, from “Welcome Back, Kotter”.

[ cut back to Joshua Jackson’s monologue ]

Joshua Jackson: And that was a great show! And that’s what I’m trying to tell you people! We have a great show tonight – *NSYNC is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Newsmen Phone Chat

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Bernard Shaw…..Tim Meadows
…..Molly Shannon

[ open on exterior, Ted Koppel’s townhouse, evening, as his phone rings ]

[ dissolve to interior, Ted’s bathroom, where he sits in a relaxing bubble bath ]

Ted Koppel: [ shakes bubbles off his hand, then answers the phone ] Hello. Ted Koppel here. [ his tug of the receiver knocks the rest of the phone to the floor ]

[ split-screen to reveal Ted on the left, Tom Brokaw seated in his study on the right ]

Tom Brokaw: What’s up, Ted? It’s me, Tom Brokaw.

Ted Koppel: [ imitating the Budweiser commercials ] Whasssup?!

Tom Brokaw: Whassupp?!

Ted Koppel: Whasssup?!

Tom Brokaw: Whassupp?! [ pauses, sighs ] Well.. the primaries are over.

Ted Koppel: Ah, it looks like Bush and Gore, don’t it?

Tom Brokaw: Yes, it does – Bush and Gore. Gore and Bush. Three more months. We are screwed!

Ted Koppel: Royally, my friend. Royally. We are facing eight months of a news drought, the likes of which we’ve never seen.

Tom Brokaw: Well, at least you can put Cokie Roberts in your seat and claim you’re on “vacation.” I got no way out – the ratings are gonna plummet.

Ted Koppel: Hey, don’t you think I know that. I can barely look at those two any more. I mean, they really put me off my eggs, Tom! I swear to God, Al Gore’s head looks like a pressed ham! I’m not kidding. And how about that weasely little mouth on George Bush? Looks like a tear in a vinyl hemmorhoid cushion.

Tom Brokaw: I’m scared, Ted. For the firsttime in my life, I’m really scared.

Ted Koppel: Tom, I’m not freakin’ Sly Stallone over here, either. Face it – it’s Gore.. and it’s Bush.

Tom Brokaw: Good God! We are TOAST!! Game over, man! GAME OVER!!

Ted Koppel: Oh, man. You know, at least we only have to do a half-hour a day. The guys at CNN are crappin’ in their drawers.

Tom Brokaw: You know it! Hey, hold on – let me call my buddy, Bernard Shaw on three-way. I’m gonna put you on hold for a sec.

Ted Koppel: Alright.

[ cut to single-screen shot of Tom as he dials the third line ]

[ cut to split-screen to reveal Bernard Shaw answering his cell phone on the left, Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” starting up in the background ]

Bernard Shaw: Hello.

Tom Brokaw: Bernard. It’s the Bro-man. Whassupp?!

Bernard Shaw: Whassssupp?! [ a beat ] I’m just watching “Money Line” and havin’ a buzz. Whassup with you?

Tom Brokaw: Ah, you know – same old, same old. I got Koppel on the line.

Bernard Shaw: Yeah? Put that ol’ fathead on!

[ single-screen of Tom pressing his phone buttons ]

Tom Brokaw: Hey, Ted. I got Bernard Shaw on the line.

[ cut to triple split-screen of Ted on the left, Tom in the middle, Bernard on the right rolling a doobie ]

Ted Koppel: Hey, Bernard. I guess you guys over there CNN must be pretty mad over this whole Bush-Gore thing.

Bernard Shaw: No, not really. You know how it is over here on cable. [ licks his doobie paper ]

Tom Brokaw: Dammit, Shaw-shank! How can you be so relaxed?! Watching this election go down without McCain, is like watching porno with your hands tied behind your back. Not fun at all!

Ted Koppel: Yeah – these guys make George, Sr. and Dukakis look like a biker orgy!

Bernard Shaw: [ chuckles ] Hey, guys, take it easy, alright? I suggest you sit back, put on some tunes, and light up a fattie. [ smokes his homemade joint, as a scantily-clad Molly Shannon pounces onto his bed with champagne glasses ] Ohhh, hey! Thanks, Sugar.

Molly Shannon: Here you go. Who are you on the phone with?

Bernard Shaw: Oh, I’m talking to Ted Koppel and Brokaw. [ into the phone ] Look, fellas, what can we do? It’s Gore by 10% in November.

Tom Brokaw: Uh, Bernard – did we call you at a bad time?

Bernard Shaw: [ laughs ] No, it’s cool! I’m just relaxin’ with m’lady!

Tom & Ted: Hello, Molly.

Molly Shannon: Hey, how you guys doin’? Sorry about the primaries.

Tom Brokaw: Well, it can’t be any easier for you and that bunch of cut-ups over at SNL.

Molly Shannon: Oh, you got that, right, Tom. No one cares about Bush and Gore. Besides, Darrell Hammond does a really lousy Al Gore!

Ted Koppel: [ defensive ] Whoa-oh! Well, I, for one, don’t think it’s so bad, Molly Shannon.

Tom Brokaw: Hey, guys, I’ve got an idea: why don’t we all agree to really take hold of the issues? Get out there and do some investigative reporting. Old-fashioned news. SCREW the ratings!!

[ all three men laugh joyously ]

Everyone: “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!”

SNL Transcripts