Christopher Walken: [ looking straight at the cue cards ] Thanks — [ gets stuck; silent amid the applause ]
Dana Carvey: Christopher Walken!
Christopher Walken: [ finds his place ] — to Christina Aguilera! Dana Carvey! J. Mascis! And — [ looks offstage, as Christina Aguilera runs onto the stage and into Jimmy Fallon’s arms ]
[ as the credits roll, Walken runs off the stage and returns a moment later with two champagne flutes in his hands; he hands one to Jimmy Fallon. The cameraman from The Continental sketch walks up to the crowd, as the camera angle changes to his perspective. He reaches out his gloved hand to toast champagne flutes with Walken. Chris Kattan clinks flutes with the cameraman as well. ]
Jenny Jones: Okay! Okay! Today’s guests are confronting the people who teased them in school! This is their chance to say, “You called me a freak, now I’m super chic!” First up, we have Shawna and Kenneth! Kenneth, Shawna says in school you called her names like Beanpole and Skelator. Now, why did you tease Shawna?
Kenneth: [ bouncing on the stage ] Aw, she was all skin and bones, you know? braces all the time, she used to look like Olive Oyl on crack!
Jenny Jones: Is this how you remember Shawna?
[ show horrible picture of Shawna ]
Kenneth: Yeah! Yeah, that’s her on a good day.
Jenny Jones: Well, take a look at Shawna now! Shawna! Come on out!
[ Shawna steps through her picture and shows off for Kenneth ]
Shawna: You know you want it! you know you want it! Come on! You know you want it, come on, baby!
Jenny Jones: Shawna, you look great! You look great!
Shawna: Thanks. [ shaking it in front of Kenneth ] You know you want it! You know you want it!
Jenny Jones: Now, what have you been doing since high school?
Shawna: I’m a professional masseuse, specializing in shiatsu and full-release. And last year I was crowned Miss Nude Michigan! [ shaking it in front of Kenneth ] You know you want it!
Jenny Jones: Good for you! Good for you! Shawna? Shawna? What do you want to say to Kenneth? What do you want to say to Kenneth?
Shawna: [ to Kenneth ] You used to throw dog treats, and now you know you couldn’t get no one as good as me! You know it’s true!
Kenneth: Please.
Shawna: You know you want it!
Kenneth: You look like you sewed someone’s ass to your chest! [ to audience ] Am I right? [ audience boos ] Shut up! You shut up! You don’t know me! You shut up! You don’t know me!
[ Audience Member stands up to comment ]
Audience Member: Yeah.. I just want to say to the guy in the shirt..
Jenny Jones: Kenneth?
Audience Member: Yeah. You’re not all that. Checkity-check yourself, before you wreck yourself. And that’s the truth. And, to the beautiful lady..
Jenny Jones: Shawna?
Audience Member: Yeah. You look good. You’re not hurtin’ anybody. Let your freak flag fly!
Jenny Jones: Okay.
Audience Member: Hey. Hey, dream your dream, baby girl.
Jenny Jones: Okay, next we have Ricky and Paulette..
Audience Member: Yeah.. be a hero in the double zero.
Jenny Jones: Okay, great. Paulette? It says here you used to torment Ricky about his weight, you used to oink like a pig whenever he walked by – now, that’s really mean!
Paulette: Okay, no, wait. No, wait. You gotta understand my side of the story, okay? He was fat! The boy was fat! He looked like a Pillsbury Doughboy on steroids! Ha!
Jenny Jones: Well. Let’s take a look at Ricky in high school. [ show horrible picture of Ricky ] And here’s the new Ricky! [ Ricky steps through her picture and shows off for Paulette ] Ricky! Look at you! What happened?
Ricky: Well.. I went on a diet, of my own invention. For a year, I ate nothing but candy necklaces and Pidialyte. Um.. I got skurvy.. [ laughs ] ..but I also lost 280 pounds. Uh.. I’m now an amateur erotic entertainer. [ stands up and gyrates ] You can catch me Monday afternoons at Bulges, in Northwest Mulline.
Paulette: [ waving her hands ] Sit down.. sit down..
Jenny Jones: No, no, come on! He looks pretty good. Would you go out with him now?
Paulette: [ aghast ] Please! Okay! I need a man, alright? With a real job! I got 19 kids! Check me out – I’m on welfare! Okay! I’m on welfare, okay!
[ Audience Member stands up to comment again ]
Audience Member: You know.. I just want to say, that to the leather man..
Jenny Jones: Ricky?
Audience Member: Yeah. Don’t let anybody stand in the way of your dreams. That’s the truth. For real. And to the female on welfare..
Jenny Jones: Paulette?
Audience Member: I pay my bills. I take care of my kids. You need to get rid of that weed.
Paulette: Sit down! Sit down!
Jenny Jones: Okay, next we have..
Audience Member: Grey Stockton takes care of his biz-ness!
Jenny Jones: Okay, thank you! Next, we have Devon and T’ai Shay. Devon, you say in high school T’ai Shay looked like Screech on rat poison! Well, what do you mean?
Devon: This kid was a geek, Jenny, now. One time, we buried him up to his neck, man, and beat him in the head with golf clubs, man! It was hilarious! [ laughs ]
Jenny Jones: Well.. here’s T’ai Shay in middle school.. [ show horrible picture of T’ai Shay ] ..and here his is now. T’Shay!
[ T’ai Shay, now a woman, steps through his/her picture and shows off for Devon ]
T’ai Shay: It’s all good! It’s all good! How you like me now?
Devon: Oh, scrap! Oh, scrap! T’ai Shay?!
T’ai Shay: It is me, Poppy!
Devon: Who, whoa.. You was a scrawny, scrappy, skank-ass little dude! But you’ve grown into a very elegant, beautiful woman.. and I very sincerely apologize, and would like to take you to Chili’s for some soup and half a sandwich.
T’ai Shay: [ sits on Devon’s knee ] Yeah! Okay! I would love it! [ Devon starts to make out with him/her ]
Jenny Jones: [ elated ] See! See! Good things do happen! [ Audience Member stands up to comment once more ]
Audience Member: Yeah. Yeah. I just want to say, to the black dude and the trannie..
Jenny Jones: Oh, boy! Devon and T’ai Shay!
Audience Member: These freaks are all player-haters. But you are player-participaters. I feel you! You know what I’m saying.
Jenny Jones: Okay! Let’s just have a crappy local band play us into commercial, please..
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Christopher Walken!
[Cheers and applause]
Christopher Walken: Thank you. Thanks so much. Im glad to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. I miss this place. You know, in the movies, I never get a chance to do things like this. Sing, dance, do crazy make-em ups. Since I turned 39, I dont go out much and I dont stay up very late, and sometimes
[ A crew member hands Christopher a microphone. The SNL Band strikes up a tune behind Walken. ]
[singing] “Saturday Night is the loneliest night of the week. ‘Cause thats the night that my sweetie and I used to dance cheek to cheek. I dont mind Sunday night at all. ‘Cause thats the night friends come to call and Monday to Fridays a gas and another, nother week goes past.”
RACHEL DRATCH, ANA GASTEYER, CHERI OTERI, AND MOLLY SHANNON ENTER and dance on either side of Christopher.
[singing] “Saturday Night is the loneliest night of the week ”
Oh, looks like Ive got company.
[singing] “I sing the song that I sang for the memories. I usually seek until I hear you knock at the door, until youre in my arms once more. Saturday nights the loneliest night of the week.”
[ Theres an instrumental break in the music. Christopher and the ladies dance in sync. ]
[singing] “Until I hear you at the door, until youre in my arms once more, Saturday nights the loneliest night of the week!”
Weve got a great show. Christina Aguileras here. Well be right back.
[singing]”Saturday nights the loneliest night of the week ”
Announcer…..Darrell Hammond Brett Lighthorse…..Christopher Walken Miss I-90 Interchange…..Ana Gasteyer Miss Clarksdale Mall…..Cheri Oteri Sally OMalley…..Molly Shannon
FADE IN:
EXT. GREENWOOD HILLS CIVIC AUDITORIUM EVENING
CLOSE ON SIGN THAT READS: MISS GREENWOOD HILLS BEAUTY PAGEANT TONIGHT 8PM
INT. AUDITORIUM STAGE
MISS CLARKSDALE MALL and MISS I-90 INTERCHANGE, along with three other CONTESTANTS, are in evening gowns and sashes; make a choreographed entrance to the music.
PAGEANT MUSIC
Announcer (V/O): Ladies and gentleman, were down to our final round. One of these lovely ladies will be the next Miss Greenwood Hills!
SFX: APPLAUSE
Announcer (V/O): Now, once again, your host for the evening, Brett Lighthorse.
SFX: APPLAUSE
BRETT LIGHTHORSE enters in a poor mans Bert Parks tuxedo.
MUSIC: CHEESY OLD-TIMEY BALLAD
Brett Lighthorse: [singing] Shes out there somewhere So pretty and new Shes some kind of lovely Hey maybe shes you Miss Greenwood Hills Where are you? Miss Greenwood Hills Im waiting for you!
SFX: APPLAUSE
Brett Lighthorse: Ladies, I didnt think it was possible but you look even more gorgeous than you did ten minutes ago.
[ The girls giggle. ]
Brett Lighthorse: What I wouldnt give to be 25 years-old again. But then again who needs to be young when youre the Brett Lighthorse? Am I right?
[ The girls giggle. ]
Brett Lighthorse: Okay, lets say hello to Miss Clarksdale Mall, Mimi Wallace.
SFX: APPLAUSE
Brett Lighthorse: Mimi, whats the first thing you would do if you became Miss Greenwood Hills?
[ Miss Clarksdale Mall steps forward and grabs the mic. ]
Miss Clarksdale Mall: Well, Brett, the first stop for me would be the burn unit at the Childrens Hospital. I would just love to see their little red faces light up when they see me.
Brett Lighthorse: Youre going to make quite a mother someday. Good luck tonight. How about you, Miss I-90 Interchange, what would you do?
Miss I-90 Interchange: The first thing I would do is pick up a new Chevy Prism were supposed to win, trade it in for cash, and then buy a ticket to Tampa and get my baby back from that miserable drummer.
Brett Lighthorse: Lofty goals from a lofty, lofty young lady.
Sally O’Malley (O/S): Excuse me.
SALLY OMALLEY enters carrying a purse.
Sally O’Malley: I heard there was a beauty pageant around here.
Brett Lighthorse: Can I help you?
Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentleman, my name is Sally OMalley and Im proud to say Im 50 years old. Im not one of those gals whos afraid to tell her real age like some other gals. And, I like to kick, stretch, and kick — Im fifty! 50 years-old, ladies and gentleman.
Brett Lighthorse: Judges? What do you think? Alright, well, this is by far the latest entry in this pageants history, but you got moxie. Why dont you walk yourself right over there?
[ Sally gets in line. ]
Brett Lighthorse: Now, lets move on to our classy gown competition.
Sally O’Malley: Mr. Lighthorse, I might not have a gown to go to town, but dont frown, Buster Brown, cause I like to scoot, scoot, scoot. And toot, toot, toot! If I had my steamboat with me Id say All Aboard!
Brett Lighthorse: Fair enough. Step back, sweetheart. Girls, lets see a little Pose, pose, twirl.
PAGEANT MUSIC
[ Miss Clarksdale, I-90, and Sally walk the runway. ]
Miss Clarksdale Mall: Pose pose twirl.
Miss I-90 Interchange: Pose pose twirl.
Sally O’Malley: Im fifty!
Brett Lighthorse: Very nice, ladies
[ Brett turns to Sally. ]
Brett Lighthorse: And also very disturbing. Get back in line.
[ Brett turns to the audience. ]
Brett Lighthorse: Alright, I can see our panel of judges has cast their final votes and I believe we have a decision? Tough as it may be.
[ A stagehand hands Brett an envelope. ]
SFX: DRUM ROLL
Brett Lighthorse: The first runner-up Miss Clarksdale Mall, Stacy Albright!
SFX: APPLAUSE
[ Clarksdale reacts and gets hugs. ]
Miss Clarksdale Mall: I cant believe I won!
Brett Lighthorse: You didnt.
[ She steps back disappointed. ]
SFX: DRUM ROLL
Brett Lighthorse: And the winner Miss Greenwood Hills 2000 is
Sally O’Malley: Hold on, Mr. Lighthorse, the winners right in front of you.
Brett Lighthorse: [singing] And plus shes got a mighty nice sweet can So over and over Ill be a fool for you Now over and over What more can I do?
Sally O’Malley: Im fifty!
PAGEANT MUSIC
SFX: APPLAUSE
CAMERA FLASH. The flash FREEZE FRAMES. A black & white news photo. Its the cover of The Greenwood Hills Gazette. Headline reads: FIFTY YEAR-OLD TO WEAR CROWN!
Census-Taker…..Tim Meadows Mr. Leonard…..Christopher Walken
[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We flyinto the impenetrable discharge of twosmokestacks.]
Announcer: And now, from the news capital ofthe world, it’s “Weekend Update with ColinQuinn.”
[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of NewYork from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / withCOLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve toStudio 8H and the WU set, panning left and thenzooming in on Colin Quinn seated at the WUdesk.]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks. I don’t knowwhat to say! Why, thank you. I– I’m touched. Hi, I’mColin Quinn and here are today’s top stories.
Today, the saga in Miami continues as Elian Gonzaleswoke up, had a nice breakfast, and went out to play.I’m sorry, folks, but as the members of the media,we’re required to say the words “Elian Gonzales” everyten minutes. …
By the way, for those of you who don’t know, “Elian”is a traditional Cuban name meaning “political pawn.”…
Nonetheless, after a meeting with Elian Gonzales’father, Juan Gonzales, yesterday, Attorney GeneralJanet Reno guaranteed that officials would arrange forMr. Gonzales to reclaim his son. Following themeeting, a relieved Juan Gonzales said through aninterpreter that he thinks the Attorney General is avery nice man or woman. …
And now some news from the future. The year 2015.Earlier today, 21-year-old Elian Gonzales, the Cubanboy who was the center of an international custodybattle in the year 2000, reportedly saw “MTV SpringBreak” for the first time, and then attacked hisfather while screaming, “Thanks a lot, comrades!”…
With the deadline fast approaching, only 53 percent ofAmericans have returned their census forms, well shortof the minimum goal of 61 percent. My question is: Howdo they know that? … Darv– [cheers and applause]Ah! Oh ho! Oooh. Whoooo.
Ah, Darva Conger and Rick Rockwell from “Who Wants toMarry a Multi-Millionaire?” appeared Wednesday at aLas Vegas family court hearing to annul theirmarriage. With their relationship finally over, youngromantics now have only one couple left to look up to.[Photo of seemingly incestuous celebrity coupleAngelina Jolie and her brother Jamie Haven]…
Thirty years after they split up – Thirty years afterthey split up, folks, the three surviving members ofthe Beatles have collaborated on an autobiographycalled “Beatles Anthology” which they say will dispelsome of the myths about their career. While there havebeen disagreements on the way they remember events,they do agree on one thing: Ringo types too slow….
A new talk show is airing on Court TV called “LiveFrom Cell Block F” which featured North CarolinaSheriff Gerald Hege interviewing his actual inmates.Viewers may remember this show by its original name,”The NFL Today.” … [some applause]
And singer Mariah Carey was hospitalized in Bostonthis week after suffering complications resulting fromfood poisoning. Hospital officials said that Mariahstarted doing much better as soon as they found ahospital gown that made her look like a whore. …[cheers and applause] Awwww.
This week the Energy Department said that gasolineprices could peak in April at a national average ashigh as a dollar fifty-two a gallon. Apparently,gasoline prices worldwide have gotten so out of handthat Ugandan cult members now have to set themselveson fire by standing under a magnifying glass….
Last week, spurred by Monday’s guilty verdict in theMicrosoft anti-trust case, the software giant’s stockfell over fifteen percent, dropping Bill Gates’ networth to a mere “more money than any of us can everdream about.” …
The Reverend Al Sharpton, Wednesday, announced acampaign of civil disobedience in New York City duringthe week before Easter to protest recent policeshootings. So, keep in mind, if you see kids jumpingsubway turnstiles on Good Friday, they’re actuallypolitical activists. …
The National Zoo in Washington, which lost one of itsbiggest attractions last year when its giant pandaHsing-Hsing died, is nearing an agreement with Chinathat would bring a pair of pandas to the zoo. Rightnow, zoo officials are hoping to secure a couple oflesbian pandas because they’re so much more fun towatch. …
This week TBS began its new programming format aimedat capturing the, quote, “regular guy” audience. A topTBS executive described “regular guys” as datelesslosers who would be home watching TBS on a Fridaynight. …
Four kindergartners in Sayerville, New Jersey weresuspended for three days this week for pretendingtheir fingers were guns while playing “cops androbbers.” Although, the two kids playing cops weresuspended with pay. … [applause]
A Texas man, Kenneth Payne, after being tried as ahabitual offender, received a 16-year prison sentencefor stealing a Snickers bar from a convenience store.”Not going anywhere for a while?” … [someapplause]
And for the third year in a row, ticket prices for theMets have risen over twenty percent making the cost ofa night at the park for a family of four a hundred andseventy-six dollars. Not to mention the hardship ofhaving to take the 7 train, sitting next to some queerwith AIDS, and some kid with purple hair, [crowdprotests Colin’s quoting Atlanta Braves pitcher JohnRocker’s remarks about New York City] and a20-year-old mom with four kids. … [applause but alsoa lot of booing] As we reported– [to the crowd] Yeah,no irony, right, folks? All right. …
Colin Quinn: As we reported earlier, FederalDistrict Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson ruled Mondaythat software giant Microsoft in fact violatedanti-trust laws. What does this mean for the future ofthe company? What does this mean for consumers? Herenow, Senior Economics Fellow at the BrookingsInstitute in Washington, D.C., Jacob Silj. [cheers andapplause as we pan over to Jacob, a nerdy bespectacledguy in a suit and tie]
Jacob Silj: [loud, deep, monotone] THANK YOU,COLIN! … COLIN, AS YOU KNOW, JUDGE JACKSON RULEDTHAT MICROSOFT VIOLATED THE SHERMAN ANTI-TRUST ACT INNO FEWER THAN THREE INSTANCES!
Colin Quinn: Oh, my God!
Jacob Silj: “OH, MY GOD” IS RIGHT, COLIN! THISRULING IS VERY, VERY SIGNIFICANT!
Colin Quinn: No! I mean, could you please notSHOUT like that? …
Jacob Silj: LISTEN, COLIN, I HAVE A DISEASE!… I SUFFER FROM VOICE IMMODULATION! … I’M UNABLETO CONTROL THE VOLUME OR INFLECTION OF MY VOICE! …THIS IS NOT “SHOUTING” — IT IS TALKING!
Colin Quinn: It’s just– Couldn’t you take adeep breath, lower your voice?
Jacob Silj: HOW DARE YOU?! I CANNOT DO THAT! IHAVE AN AFFLICTION THAT IS RECOGNIZED BY THE AMERICANMEDICAL ASSOCIATION AND ITS BRITISH COUNTERPART! EVERYYEAR, AS MANY AS SIX PEOPLE ARE STRICKEN BY THISHORRIBLE … HORRIBLE DISEASE! IT COULD STRIKE ANYONEAT ANY TIME — PROVIDED THEY WERE BORN AT LEAST TWOMONTHS LATE AND HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO GOLD DUST!…
Colin Quinn: [amused disbelief] Gold dust,Jacob?
Jacob Silj: OH, IT’S FUNNY TO YOU! IMAGINE, IFYOU WILL, COLIN, A LIFE IN WHICH YOU HOLD YOUR BABYDAUGHTER IN YOUR ARMS AND TRY TO EASE HER BACK TOSLEEP! [cradles an imaginary baby in his arms] HUSHHUSH! GO TO SLEEP! DADDY LOVES YOU! … OR IMAGINEYOU’RE AT CHURCH WHISPERING A SECRET AND SILENT PRAYERTO GOD! [clasps hands in prayer] “OH, PLEASE, DEARGOD! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?! I HATE YOU, GOD!PLEASE TAKE AWAY THIS TERRIBLE AFFLICTION! AND ALSOLET ME FIND A BAG OF MONEY!” THAT IS MY HELL, COLIN!… I WOULDN’T WISH IT ON ANYONE! MAYBE ON YOU, COLIN,BUT NO ONE ELSE! …
Colin Quinn: Hey! Hey, that’s mean!
Jacob Silj: I APOLOGIZE! THAT LAST PART WASACTUALLY MUTTERED UNDER MY BREATH! … BUT I CAN’TMUTTER UNDER MY BREATH, CAN I?! … YOU JERK! THAT WASUNDER MY BREATH ALSO! YOU ASS!
Colin Quinn: Just stop–
Jacob Silj: UNDER MY BREATH AGAIN!
Colin Quinn: Will you stop, Jacob?
Jacob Silj: I THINK I WILL, COLIN! I THINK IWILL!
Colin Quinn: Jacob Silj, everybody! [cheers andapplause] I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’msticking to it. Elian Gonzalez!
[Music. More cheers and applause as Colin turns toJacob Silj. Fade.]
Chris…..Christopher Walken Janine…..Ana Gasteyer Petite Wife…..Tina Fey
[ open on Chris and Janine lounging in front of an open fire in their living room ]
Chris: In a marriage.. intimacy.. is important. Erectile Dysfunction.. is a thief. It takes away something, that’s very precious. When I first experiences Erectile Dysfunction.. I was afraid, and confused. Then, I heard about Viagra. It worked. It worked a lot. Now.. things are the way they used to be.. for Janine and me. We’re doin’ it like bunnies.
[ cut to close-up of Janine, as she smiles with wan regret ]
Chris: Thanks, Viagra.
[ cut to chubby couple in a spinning embrace ]
Chubby Woman: [ as she spins past the camera, and scowls ] Thanks a lot.
[ cut to attractive black woman adjusting flowers in a vase, as her chubby husband moves in from behind and gives her a tight squeeze ]
Black Woman: [ to the camera ] Thank you very much.
[ cut to old couple dancing ]
Old Woman: [ unable to get away, faces the camera ] Yeah. Thanks.
[ cut to younger couple, man with his arm wrapped around his petite wife ]
: [ disgruntled ] Yeah. Thanks for this.
[ cut to attractive young woman lying in bed wearing a silky negligee, as her much older husband crawls across the sheets and grips her shoulder ]
Attractive Woman: Gee. Thanks, Viagra.
[ she turns the lights off ]
[ fade to black, then fade up on overhead shot of couple dancing on a checkerboard floor ]
[ dissolve to close-up of Janine’s hands pouring Viagra pills down the toilet ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 17 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
April 15th, 2000 Tobey Maguire Sisqo None Lorne Michaels Adam McKay Clarence “Gatemouth” Brown Steve Buscemi The Studio 8-H RulesSummary: Tobey Maguire recites the studio’s rules to the cast members. Transcript
Montage
Tobey Maguire’s MonologueSummary: Tobey Maguire has to endure the antics of audience member, Keith (Adam McKay), who mistakes him for the movie “Jerry Maguire”. Recurring Characters: Keith. Transcript
Celebrity Jeopardy!Summary: Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) vs. Hilary Swank (Jimmy Fallon) and Keanu Reeves (Tobey Maguire). Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, Keanu Reeves, Ricky Martin, Chad Lowe. Transcript
Burger CastleSummary: Nadeen (Cheri Oteri) quiets down customers at Burger Castle by telling them to “Simmer down now!” Recurring Characters: Nadeen. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel has some “Fun With Real Audio”.
Inside The Actor’s StudioSummary: James Lipton (Will Ferrell) is enamored by former “Saved by the Bell” second banana, Dustin Diamond (Tobey Maguire). Recurring Characters: James Lipton, Dustin Diamond. Transcript
Tobey Maguire: Thanks to Sisqo — [ acknowledges Clarence “Gatemouth” Henry to his left ] Clarence — [ audience erupts into thunderous applause ] Clarence “Gatemouth” Brown, right here! Thank you very much to the cast, and everybody at “Saturday Night Live” – I had a great time!
Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond Keanu Reeves…..Tobey Maguire Hilary Swank…..Jimmy Fallon Ricky Martin…..Chris Kattan Chad Lowe…..Chris Parnell
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I thought we were done with this, but Regis Philbin, that mongrel idiot, decided to do a Celebrity Millionaire, and network competition being what it is, I stand before you, a broken and miserable man. Let’s take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has set a new Jeopardy record for futility with..
Sean Connery: Suck on it Trebek. Suck it long, and suck it hard.
Alex Trebek: That’s beautiful. You kiss your mother with that mouth.
Sean Connery: No, but I did something to your mother with this mouth! [ points to mouth ]
Alex Trebek: Why? Keanu Reeves has an impressive -$32,000. Keanu Reeves: I know Kung Fu.
Alex Trebek: For the last time, no you don’t. And finally, Hilary Swank in a commanding lead with zero.
Hilary Swank: Did I win? Because there’s some people I need to thank.
Alex Trebek: Let’s just take a look at the board. And the categories are: “Potent Potables”; “Foreign Flicks”; “Things Trebek Sucks”-wait! [ Connery is laughing. ] All right. [ Trebek walks over and takes down the hand-written “Things Trebek Sucks” sign. ] Let’s continue…”Potpourri”; “Hot or Cold”; “What Ears Do”; “Is This A Hat”-that’s where I name and object, and you tell whether or not it’s ahat. And finally, “Colors That End In Urple”. Hilary Swank, you’re in the lead, so we’ll start with you.
Hilary Swank: I’m a girl you know.
Alex Trebek: [ shakes head ] Let’s just go with Foreign Flicks for $800. [ Connery buzzes in. ]
Sean Connery: Ursula Andress.
Alex Trebek: What?
Sean Connery: Ursula Andress, Catherine Deneuve, and Charo, twice.
Alex Trebek: That’s Foreign Flicks, Mr. Connery. Foreign Flicks. Mr. Reeves, why don’t you pick?
Keanu Reeves: I shall take Balloons for $800, if you please.
Alex Trebek: That’s not a category.
Keanu Reeves: My mistake. I shall choose Balloons for $600.
Alex Trebek: I tell you what, let’s do Colors That End in Urple. For $800. This color ends in “urple”. [ Swank buzzes in. ] Hilary Swank.
Hilary Swank: What is light urple?
Alex Trebek: [ shakes head ] Wow. [ Reeves buzzes in. ] Keanu Reeves.
Keanu Reeves: I will venture a guess. Who is Jaleel White?
Alex Trebek: What?
Keanu Reeves: Is that not the gentlemen who played Urple, the humorous fellow with the glasses who loves cheese?
Alex Trebek: That’s Urkel! [ Connery buzzes in. ] Oh good, Mr. Connery wants to say something.
Sean Connery: I thought of some more foreign ladies I snogged.
Alex Trebek: Let’s just go to Hot or Cold for $400. And it’s a Video Daily Double. Here goes nothing. Please take a look at your video monitors.
[ screen shows Ricky Martin and two dancers. They start dancing. ]
Ricky Martin: It’s me! Come on, Ricky Martin! Come on! [ music starts ]. Oh my! In this cup there’s some hot tea! It’s hot hot hot! Watch! [ takes a sip ] Yow! Hot hot hot! So the answer is: Hot hot hot! or cold. Hot hot hot! or cold. Come on! Hot hot hot!
[ video fades ]. [ no one buzzes in. ]
Alex Trebek: None of you knows. No one can figure out if the hot tea is hot or cold. [ Reeves buzzes in. ] Thank God! Keanu Reeves.
Keanu Reeves: Is it iced tea?
Alex Trebek: [ agitated ] No! It’s hot tea!
Keanu Reeves: Well, then I have no idea.
Alex Trebek: Let’s just go to Final Jeopardy. The category is…oh come on, why would they do this? The category is Famous Mothers.
Sean Connery: [ laughs ] My day has come! [ keeps laughing ]
Alex Trebek: [ rips card ] I’m not going to give you the satisfaction. [ Connery stops laughing. ] The new category is Anything. Write anything. [ music starts ] Just write. Use your arm, hand, and special pen, and move the pen around. Scribble if you want to, just make some kind of mark. [ music stops ] OK, let’s get this over with. Sean Connery, you wrote down: Below. I don’t know why you wrote that, but technically that’s a correct answer. You did write something. Let’s see what you wagered: Me. Below Me. [ Connery laughs ] Below Me…I don’t get it.
Sean Connery: Oh, I’ll bet you do, you Canadian ponch. [ slaps Trebek on the head. ]
Alex Trebek: Proud day for you and your family. Keanu Reeves, you look rather pleased. Let’s see what you wrote down: [ a blank screen is revealed ] Nothing. The question was write anything, and you got it wrong. I’m speechless. Let’s see what you wagered: Eleventy billion dollars. That’s not even a real number.
Keanu Reeves: Yet.
Alex Trebek: That’s simply amazing. And finally, Hilary Swank.
Hilary Swank: Thanks Alex. I’m so honored to have been here today, there’s so many people I have to thank. [ camera shows a sobbing Chad Lowe in the audience. ] I couldn’t have done it without Alex Trebek, the incredible cast and crew of Jeopardy, my publicist who is a beautiful human being…that’s it.
Alex Trebek: Touching. That’s all for Jeopardy; Regis, you can have them. Good night. [ Connery pushes Trebek as he walks by. ]
Tobey Maguire: It’s great to be here! It’s great to be here in New York! I was so excited that they ask me to host the show, because it gives me a chnce to do a lot of different characters-
Keith: [ interrupting from the center of the audience ] Hey, Tobey, man! “Show me the money!”
[ audience erupts into applause ]
Tobey Maguire: Alright. Alright! As I was saying.. in a movie, you play one character, and you’re-
Keith: [ interrupting again ] “Show me the money”, Tobes!
Tobey Maguire: Why do you keep saying that?
Keith: Come on, man, because you were in that movie, uh.. “Tobey Maguire”? And you kept yellin’ “Show me the money!” It was awesome!
Tobey Maguire: Uh.. the movie was called “Jerry Maguire”.. and I wasn’t in it.
Keith: Oh, yeah you were, man! you were in that, and Tom Cruise was your agent.. and you would yell “Show me the money!” That was awesome!
Tobey Maguire: Well, that was Cuba gooding, Jr. That wasn’t me.
Keith: [ the information hitting him hard ] Really?
Tobey Maguire: Yeah. Really.
Keith: [ to the audience ] Sorry, everyone! My bad!
Tobey Maguire: [ getting back to his point ] Now, uh.. what was I saying? Uh.. I was talking getting the opportunity to play all different types of characters.. so, I can-
Keith: [ interrupting yet again ] Hey! Hey, hey! Hey, Ace! Hey! Fine.. you weren’t in “Jerry Maguire”, but what movies were you in, huh?
Tobey Maguire: [ clears throat ] I was in, uh.. “The Cider house Rules”.
Keith: [ happily recognizes the title ] Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Cider House rules, man! That is the best frat around! Cider house rules!!
Tobey Maguire: [ shaking head ] Nope. It’s not.. it’s not that kind of rules. It’s “The Cider House Rules“.. like.. laws, things you have to obey. Rules, you know?
Keith: [ confused ] It’ wasn’t like a Spring Break film?
Tobey Maguire: No. It’s not.
Keith: Fine! Then what else were you in? ‘Cause I didn’t see that one.
Tobey Maguire: Uh.. I was in.. “The Ice Storm”.
Keith: Now you’ve got me, Brohan! You’ve got me! That’s a great movie, man! Helen Hunt, that cow flying in the air..!
Tobey Maguire: Wrong film.
Keith: Yeah? Okay, what else?
Tobey Maguire: Most recently, I was in “Wonder Boys”.
Keith: Yeah! Tasty! That’s with that, uh.. that’s with that dude that knocked up Catherine Zeta-Jones? What’s his name, uh..?
Tobey Maguire: Michael Douglas?
Keith: Yeahhhh!! Michael Douglas! Whoo!! [ sheepishly ] I didn’t see that one.
Tobey Maguire: [ aggravated ] Great. Good
Keith: You know, I saw the movie where the dude humped the pie! Are you him?
Tobey Maguire: Nope. Not me.
Keith: Alright, uh.. I just bought “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace” on videotape. Are you in that?
Tobey Maguire: You know what? If it’ll make you quiet – yeah. Sure.
Keith: That’s cool, you were in that! What’d you play?
Tobey Maguire: Uh.. uh.. oh! I was Jar Jar Binks!
Keith: [ disappointed ] You were Jar Jar Binks? you know what? You sucked! You ruined that whole movie!
Tobey Maguire: You know.. I had a point, but forget it.
Keith: Jar Jar Binks sucks, man!
Tobey Maguire: You know, we have a great show..
Keith: No, we don’t! It’s Jar Jar Binks! Turn the channel!
Tobey Maguire: Sisqo is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!
Air Date:
