Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Cydney

Sydney…..Laura Leighton
Sebastian…..Time Meadows
Leering Midget…..Will Ferrell
Leading Midget…..Mark McKinney
Smart-Ass Midget…..David Spade
Smoking Midget…..Norm MacDonald
Topless Midget…..Fred Wolf
Jake…..Grant Show

[ open on video footage of clouds rolling, a close-up of a man’s clip whispering “Cydney”, a perfume bottle marked “Cydney” smashing to the floor, various quick clips ]

[ cut to Sydney of “Melrose Place” swaying back and forth in a black-and-white commercial surrounded by a group of tuxedo-clad midgets, the one closest to her leering up her dress ]

Sydney: Cut! Cut! Sebastian!

[ cameras stop rolling ]

Sebastian: [ rushes in ] Sydney, what’s going on? It was going great.

Sydney: Sebastian, that.. midget was leering at me. I’m trying to sell perfume, and that midget over there thinks there’s an all-you-can-look buffet up my skirt!

[ Sebastian smacks the Leering Midget on the head ]

Leering Midget: Yeah.. I’m sorry. I’ve hit sort of a dry patch on the dating circuit, uh.. I’ll.. I’ll knock it off. But you know, we actually prefer “little person” over “midget”.. if you don’t mind?

Sydney: Oh, my god! The midget can talk! Which one are you – Sleepy? Grumpy? Or, I don’t recall – was there a Talking-Too-Muchy?

Sebastian: [ snickers gayly ] Syndney: 1; Munchkin: 0. There’s no contest!

Leading Midget: Yeah, by the way, my colleague said we prefer “little person” over “midget”.. and by the way, “Munchkin” doesn’t really blow our skirts up, either. Okay? Oh, well. Alright, let’s pick it up from Sydney’s entrance, okay, people? And.. action!

[ cut back to opening video cloud footage – dissolve into black-and-white taping of Sydney swaying with the midgets, Sebastian still standing in the scene ]

Sebastian: Cut! Stop tape!

Sydney: [ angry ] Oh, come on! What now?!

[ cameras stop rolling ]

Sebastian: [ to Leading Midget ] Say, uh.. I was wondering – aren’t you a midget?

Leading Midget: Well.. we refer to ourselves as “little people”.. but.. yes, I am.

Sebastian: Right, right.. you’re a midget, and I’m a director! Don’t you ever yell “Action!” again!

Smart-Ass Midget: [ mimicking Sebastian ] “Oh, look at me! I’m Joe Director! Listen to what I say – I’m smart! And I’m over 4-feet tall! Listen up!”

Sydney: [ notices one of the midgets smoking ] Excuse me? Um.. hello? Over there. There’s no smoking! And if you think I’m not going to ask you to put that cigarette out just because you’re a midget, youre terribly mistaken!

Smoking Midget: Alright, alright.. here.. [ stuffs his cigarette under his shoe and presses down to put it out ] And, also, lady, am I crazy, or did you hear about a hundred times that we don’t like to be called “midgets”?

Sydney: [ sighs ] Oh. Sebastian, they are so gross! Why can’t they all be like that midget who sells Lucky Charms? He seems fun.

Sebastian: [ laughs gayly ] Sydney, I love the Lucky Charms – they’re magically delicious! Oh well, let’s call them “little people”, since that’s what they prefer.

Smoking Midget: Yeah, yeah. Hey! Just like you prefer”confirmed bachelor” over.. uh.. “giant fruit”!

Sydney: I didn’t hear that! Okay, people, from the top.”Sydney: Perfume Commercial” on three.. and.. Action!

[ cut back to opening video cloud footage – dissolve into black-and-white taping of Sydney swaying with the midgets, one of whom is now topless ]

Sydney: [ yells at midget, camera stops rolling ] Midget! [ he keeps dancing ] Hey, hey, hey! Heeeeyyyy!! Why do you have your shirt off!

Topless Midget: [ stops dancing ] Because I figure this commercial’s all about sex, and being sexy! I’m sexy, you’re sexy – didn’t you get the memo? Sex sells!

Sydney: Oh, you’re sexy? I’d rather rub up against a bag of golf clubs! You are not sexy at all!

Topless Midget: [ gasping ] Oh, you are so wrong, Lady!

Sydney: [ notices Smart-Ass Midget casually reading the newspaper ] Excuse me? Midget? Um.. are we boring you? Okay, we’ll have a conversation: “Midget, how’s the weather down there?”

Topless Midget: Hmm.. it’s okay. Hey, how’s the weather up there? Uh.. apparently, it’s partly bitchy! [ holds his hand up for the Leering Midget ] Yeahhh, low five!

[ the other midgets start to laugh and lake fun of Sydney ]

Sydney: Sebastian! Sebastian! I hate this commercial! They spelled my name wrong on the botle – it’s “Sydney” with an “S”! I just want to go back to “Melrose Place”! There’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home..

[ zoom in on Sydney’s face, dissolve into Sydney floating in a dream-like sequence, then dissolve into Sydney waking in her bed surrounded by the fantastic-looking guys of “Melrose Place”. ]

Sydney: [ groggy ] ..there’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home..

Jake: Sydney, wake up. It’s okay. There was a tornado, andyou hit your head.

Sydney: [ waking up ] Oh, my God! You mean it was all just a dream? Oh, you wouldn’t believe where I was! There were all these.. weird little people, and monsters.. Oh, I’m so glad to be back here in Melrose Place, where everybody is so fantastic-looking! [ camera zooms out to reveal the Topless Midget standing next to Sydney’s bed ] Oh, God! Except you! Beat it, Freak!

[ the Melrose Place boys push the Topless Midget away and laugh at him ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Laura Leighton’s Monologue

…..Laura Leighton
Lucien…..Mark McKinney
Fagan…..David Koechner

Laura Leighton: Well! Here I am hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Let me tell you, this is quite a thrill. And, to think, three years ago I was having a hard time keeping a job as a waitress; I was driving a car iwthout air conditioning around L.A.; and men found me unattractive. [ laughs ] But, then along came a little show called “Melrose Place”.

Lucien & Fagan: [ throwing roses to Laura’s feet as the audience cheers her program [ Bravo! Bravo! Yes! Bravo!

Laura Leighton: Um.. thank you! Anyway, um.. I play a character on “Melrose Place” called Sydney.
Fagan: Sydney!

Lucien: Yes!

Fagan: Sydney!

Lucien: Yes!

Fagan: Oh!

Lucien: Delicious!

Laura Leighton: Thank you. Anyway, my character, Sydney..
Fagan: Excuse me, yes, yes? We’re your biggest fans. Did you recieve our gifts? Er?

[ Lucien and Fagan approach the stage ]

Laura Leighton: Um.. what are you talking about?

Fagan: Er, er.. Lucien and myself, er, Fagan, yes. We sent you a sweater and a cake.

Lucien: A pumpkin cake!

Fagan: Tell us, did they arrive in good order?

Laura Leighton: Oh-h-h.. that was you two. Oh. Well, yes. I loved the sweater, and the cake was delicious!

Lucien: It was a pumpkin cake!

Fagan: Er, pumpkin. Er-her! [ they bow in front of her ]

Laura Leighton: Pumpkin. Right. Um.. you’re very nice.

[ Lucien and Fagan are titilated by her statement ]

Lucien: Oh, forgive me, Miss Leighton. But standing on the same stage with the thespian who plays the evil Sydney on “Melrose Place” fills me with such thrilling electricity, that I feel like a weasel on a hotplate!

Fagan: Er, second it! Er-her! [ they bow ]

Laura Leighton: Well, thank you.. I think.

Fagan: Er, may I say, uh.. of all the characters on “Melrose Place”, yours stands out like a beacon! Ooh! Yes! Illuminating! Yes! The tempting evil that titilates us to the very fleshiest parts of our bodies! Er-her-hoo! [ they bow ]

Laura Leighton: Uh.. thanks. That’s a little more information than I think I needed.

Fagan: Er-her-her! Yes. May I confess a few of my favorite plot twists? Yes? Sydney the stripper!

Lucien: Oh, delicious!

Fagan: Sydney the prostitute!

Lucien: Delightful!

Fagan: Sydney the blackmailer!

Lucien: Oh, the perfect viper!

Fagan: Sydney the astronaut!

Lucien: Blast off!

Laura Leighton: Astronaut? I haven’t played an astronaut.

Lucien: It’s an idea we have!

Laura Leighton: Ohhh..

Fagan: Perhaps we can speak of that later, yes? Er-her-her..

Lucien: [ holding encanvassed object ] In that you have made every Monday night at eight o’clock a treaure of titilation for us, we offer you this gift.

Fagan: And we reaffirm our pledge to be their every episode watchingyou, praising you, and, as depicted in this photo.. [ unveils photo ]

Laura Leighton: [ grimacing ] Oh, my God! This is how you watch my show?

Lucien: Oh, yes! Bare-assed naked!

Fagan: Yes, it adds a certain spice to the occasion.

Laura Leighton: Yes. Well.. thank you. [ bows to them ]

Fagan: Oh! Oh-oh-er.. [ they bow right back ]

Laura Leighton: Okay, I’ll keep that in mind. Well, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Rancid is here. Feel free to watch it bare-assed naked! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Old Glory Insurance

…..Sam Waterson

Old Lady #1: When my ex-husband passed away, the insurance company said his policy didn’t cover him.

Old Lady #2: They didn’t have enough money for the funeral.

Old Lady #3: It’s so hard nowadays, with all the gangs and rap music..

Old Lady #1: What about the robots?

Old Lady #4: Oh, they’re everywhere!

Old Lady #1: I don’t even know why the scientists make them.

Old Lady #2: Darren and I have a policy with Old Glory Insurance, in case we’re attacked by robots.

Old Lady #1: An insurance policy with a robot plan? Certainly, I’m too old.

Old Lady #2: Old Glory covers anyone over the age of 50 against robot attack, regardless of current health.

[ cut to Sam Waterston, Compensated Endorser ]

Sam Waterson: I’m Sam Waterston, of the popular TV series “Law & Order”. As a senior citizen, you’re probably aware of the threat robots pose. Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people’s medicine for fuel. Well, now there’s a company that offers coverage against the unfortunate event of robot attack, with Old Glory Insurance. Old Glory will cover you with no health check-up or age consideration. [ SUPER: Limitied Benefits First Two Years ] You need to feel safe. And that’s harder and harder to do nowadays, because robots may strike at any time.

[ show pie chart reading “Cause of Death in Persons Over 50 Years of Age”: Heart Disease, 42% – Robots, 58% ]

And when they grab you with those metal claws, you can’t break free.. because they’re made of metal, and robots are strong. Now, for only $4 a month, you can achieve peace of mind in a world full of grime and robots, with Old Glory Insurance. So, don’t cower under your afghan any longer. Make a choice. [ SUPER: “WARNING: Persons denying the existence of Robots may be Robots themselves. ] Old Glory Insurance. For when the metal ones decide to come for you – and they will.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Self-Punishment

Tommy…..Jim Breuer
Miss Keller…..Laura Leighton
Mr. Kaufman…..Mark McKinney

[ FADE IN: ]

[ INT. FIDELITY MUTUAL — DAY ]

[ Company executive MISS KELLER is seated at her desk. Her client, MR. KAUFMAN, is across from her. ]

Miss Keller: Mr. Kaufman, I want to thank you for banking with Fidelity Mutual. Now, what I’m going to do is take you step-by-step through the investment process.

Mr. Kaufman: Oh, great! Sounds like fun.

[ Enter TOMMY. ]

Miss Keller: Oh, excuse me.

Tommy: Hi, Miss Keller.

Miss Keller: Hi, Tommy. Listen, Tommy — did you get around to mailing that package to the Dunlap firm this morning?

[ Tommy pounds a closed fist against his forehead a couple of times. ]

Tommy: Oh, dammit, dammit, DAMMIT! What is wrong with me?

Miss Keller: As long as it’s out by the end of the day, everything will be fine!

[ Tommy pounds his closed fist against his forehead one more time. Mr. Kaufman squirms in his chair. ]

Tommy: Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot.

[ Tommy departs. ]

Miss Keller: Don’t worry about him; he’s really a sweet kid. So, did you get a chance to look over the paperwork?

Mr. Kaufman: Yeah, I did. But, my lawyer said that there was a document missing from the fax you sent us?

Miss Keller: Okay, um

[ Miss Keller presses the intercom button on her phone. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy? Can I see you in here again for a second?

[ Tommy briskly enters. ]

Tommy: Yeah?

Miss Keller: Tommy, thanks for faxing off the document this morning. But I need you to do it again.

Tommy: Okay, sure!

Miss Keller: Okay. But this time, make sure all the pages go through, because they didn’t get them all this morning.

Mr. Kaufman: Yeah, we were missing the A1-P2 form.

[ Tommy starts breathing in a labored manner. ]

Tommy: Oh!

[ Tommy grabs the back of his hair and begins slamming his head against Miss Keller’s adjacent filing cabinets. ]

Tommy: Always wrong! Always wrong! Always wrong! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!

Miss Keller: Tommy, stop it!

Tommy: CAN’T I GET ANYTHING RIGHT!?!?

[ Tommy picks up Miss Keller’s desk lamp and smashes it into his skull. Miss Keller gets out of her chair. ]

Miss Keller: Control yourself, Tommy! Now, listen to me: there is no reason carrying on like this!

Tommy: I know, I know, I know

[ Tommy pounds his closed fists against his forehead at an accelerated rate. ]

Tommy: There’s just no reason for STUPIDITY!

[ Mr. Kaufman is frozen in his chair. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy, you really need to get a hold of yourself. You’re scaring the client.

Tommy: Oh, am I scaring you!?

[ Mr. Kaufman nods his head in fear. ]

Tommy: Oh, I shouldn’t be scaring him!!!

[ Tommy slams his head several times on Miss Keller’s desk. Both the jaws of Miss Keller and Mr. Kaufman are on the floor. ]

Tommy: It’s just ALL WRONG!!!

[ Tommy is out of breath. ]

Miss Keller: Maybe you should take a little time off.

Tommy: Oh, no, no, no — I know what you’re trying to say. You wanna fire me but you just don’t have the heart to!

Miss Keller: Oh no, no! I’m just saying–

Tommy: Hit me! HIT ME! C’MON!!! HIT ME!!!

[ Mr. Kaufman unbuttons his shirts sleeves and rolls them up. ]

Mr. Kaufman: Alright — I’ll hit him!

Miss Keller: Mr. Kaufman, please!

Tommy: Oh, no — I’LL DO IT MYSELF!

[ Tommy throws one brutal punch after another onto himself. ]

Tommy: Well, if I had done things right, I wouldn’t have to do this to you myself!

[ Tommy grabs his bangs and subdues himself against Miss Keller’s filing cabinet. Finally, he stops. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy? Stop hitting yourself.

[ Miss Keller gives a slight scream as Tommy starts to position his fists against himself, but he lowers them. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy, can we talk about this later? But for now, can you just leave? Please?

Tommy: Okay. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m leaving.

[ Tommy makes his way to the door. Yet, his right hand goes behind him and grabs his shirt collar. ]

Tommy: Oh, no you don’t — that door’s for people that get things right! YOU ARE GOING THIS WAY!!!

[ Tommy races towards and lunges himself at Miss Keller’s closed window. Glass shatters everywhere. His screams become more and more faint OFF-SCREEN. ]

Tommy: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

[ SOUND of a SPLATTERED BODY hitting a parked vehicle. CAR ALARM goes OFF. ]

Miss Keller: Well, Mr. Kaufman, where were we?

Mr. Kaufman: Well, we were —

[ Cheers and applause. ]

[ FADE OUT ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Spade In America

…..David Spade
…..Sean Penn

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, “Spade In America” with David Spade.

David Spade: Thank you, and good evening. Well, as you know, this is a big week for movies. A lot of big ones coming out, but one of the more interesting ones is “The Crossing Guard”, starring Jack Nicholson, Angelica Houston, directed by Sean Penn. So for my segment this week, I wanted to talk with Sean about that and other things.. and he said he would, under one condition: he has to give me a tattoo.

[ cut to Spade at the tattoo parlor with Sean ]

Sean Penn: What’s the one thing you, and me, and Mickey Rourke have in common?

David Spade: We’re all cool?

Sean Penn: Tattoos.

David Spade: I don’t have a tattoo..

[ Sean’s eye glaze over mischieviously ]

[ cut to the tattoo artist showing Spade around the shop ]

Tattoo Artist: You can pick from any of these tattoo designs on this wall here.

David Spade: [ looking around ] Okay.. [ points to tattoo design of a wooden cross ] “In Loving Memory. Mom.” Aww.. I killed her!

[ cut to Sean etching the tattoo on Spade’s arm ]

David Spade: I’m gonna ask you some questions I thought of..

Sean Penn: Uh-huh..

David Spade: ..you just ask them as honestly and as candidly as you can.. [ hears the needle on his arm ] Did I just get hit with lightning? Oh, my God.. you’re hurting me..

Sean Penn: Yeah.. that’s what I came here for.

[ cut to Spade looking at the tattoo designs on the wall ]

David Spade: [ points to a blue demon ] This one kind of screams out.. “I’m a simple man.. I need a down-to-earth girl.. that I can kill!

[ cut back to Spade with Sean ]

David Spade: How many tattoos do you have, Sean?

Sean Penn: Me? I have about five.

David Spade: Five? Do you have one on your bikini line? [ grins ] Prove it.

[ cut to Spade looking at more tattoos ]

David Spade: [ points to a jet ] “Boss, de plane!” Get it? Tattoo!

[ cut to Spade with Sean ]

David Spade: Have you noticed that all these tattoos in here have one common theme? Satan!

[ Spade points to a tattoo of a winged demon ]

David Spade: I like this one, but you know who has it already? Katie Couric. And we don’t want to be twinsies.

[ cut to Spade with Sean ]

David Spade: Hey, you have a Chinese symbol. What’s that one mean?

Sean Penn: I’m not tellin’ ya.

David Spade: [ smartass ] Montel Williams?

[ cut to Spade looking at the tattoos ]

David Spade: [ points to Tazmanian Devil holding severed head of Bugs Bunny ] Hey, Moms, here’s one for the kids.. [ points to flaming red skull ] This one says, “I’m unemployed, and my girlfriend works at Hooters.”

[ cut to Spade and Sean ]

David Spade: Do you remember where you were when you heard that JFK was assassinated?

Sean Penn: I was three.. I don’t know.. why?

David Spade: Do you remember where you were when Wham broke up?

Sean Penn: [ laughs ] I just know I was crying!

David Spade: [ laughing ] Uh.. did you see the talking pig movie?

Sean Penn: No.

David Spade: You didn’t see “The Net”?

Sean Penn: [ laughs in spite of himself ]

David Spade: If this wasn’t real pain, would I have a rod?

[ cut to Spade looking at more tattoos ]

David Spade: [ points to second flaming red skull ] This one says, “Don’t trust me with your children – I’m no babysitter!”

[ cut to Spade and Sean ]

David Spade: Okay, we’ll do a scene from “Casualties of War”. I’ll play Michael J. Fox, and you play you. [ imitates Michael J. Fox ] “Hey, Sarge.. um.. what are we doing here exactly..?”

Sean Penn: Getting a tattoo.

David Spade: “We’re what?”

Sean Penn: Tattoo. You’re getting a tattoo.

David Spade: “You gotta give me a minute on that, Sarge.. Mallory..?”

[ cut to Spade looking at more tattoos ]

David Spade: [ points to an eagle ] This one screams out.. “I have an eagle tattooed on me.. a big one..” Okay, I’m out of jokes.

[ cut to Sean finishing Spade’s tattoo ]

Sean Penn: Oh, that’s that. That’s on there..

David Spade: We have a winner?

Sean Penn: I didn’t say that – I said it’s on there.

[ cut to Spade back at the studio ]

David Spade: Okay, so if you couldn’t tell, that’s Calvin without Hobbes.. and, if it matter,s it is real.. and in five years it’ll be like having Mary Worth on there, I know. But I’d like to thank Sean – he was great about that. And I’ll see you guys next week. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 2nd, 1995

Anthony Edwards

Foo Fighters

None

Lorne Michaels
Inside PoliticsSummary: Republicans hold an anti-war rally to spite the Bosnia policy.

Recurring Characters: .

Montage

Anthony Edwards’ MonologueSummary: Anthony Edwards find that he can’t stack up against rejected “ER” character Swabby (David Koechner).

Grimaldi’s Classic CreationsSummary: Their eternal crying Jesus figurine is cute, yet annoying.

Transcript

The Joe Pesci ShowSummary: While hosting his own talk show, actor Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) abuses the former co-stars he’s welcomed as guests.

Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Sharon Stone, Macauley Culkin.

NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) discusses health care issues with a series of fictional doctors.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel.

Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) shows off at a wedding reception.

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Norm MacDonald’s nervous brother, Gary MacDonald (David Koechner), attempts to survive in Norm’s shadow.

Recurring Characters: Gary MacDonald.

Foo Fighters performs “I’ll Stick Around”

G-Dog Does The NastySummary: G-Dog (Tim Meadows) throws his back out while doing his Nasty Dance.

Recurring Characters: G-Dog.

Transcript

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade re-enacts a Thanksgiving barroom encounter with his father.

Turning PointSummary: Princess Diana (Anthony Edwards) shows off her loopy side during a serious interview.

Recurring Characters: Princess Diana.

Foo Fighters performs “For All The Cows”

The Hulk Hogan Talk Show!!!Summary: A former hostage (Anthony Edwards) attempts to endure a normal interview with Hulk Hogan’s fill-in host (Will Ferrell), though the show’s usual features get in the way.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 7

95g: Anthony Edwards / Foo Fighters

Grimaldi’s Classic Creations

Mom…..Nancy Walls
Dad…..Mark McKinney

(Opening shot of a family room beautifully decked in holiday decor. “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing” plays throughout the sketch)

Narrator: Christmas. The time for giving and family. And the time when we remember the birth of our Savior. Now those memories come to life, with a Grimaldi’s Classics handcrafted Nativity Scene.

(Mom and Dad gleefully unwrap the set. Mom smiles with delight at the beautiful Baby Jesus figurine.)

Narrator: Now for the first time, you can actually hear the cries of the Christ Child, as He enters into the world. A hidden microchip replicate the Holy Sounds of the Baby Jesus…

(Dad sets the figurine in the center of the Nativity Scene, and the Holy Sounds begin. The sounds that eminate, however, are not the sweet, precious cooing of a newborn infant, but rather a loud, ugly, repetitive braying:)

Figurine: AAAAOOOOWWWWWW….. AAAAOOOWWWWW… AAAAAOOOOOWWWWW… AAAAOOOOOWWWW!

(Mom and Dad each manage faint, slightly confused smiles. Cut to the son’s room, as he is awakened from a sound sleep).

Son: Mommy…what’s that sound?

Mom: Why, it’s Jesus!

Figurine: AAAOOOOWWWW!!!!!…… AAAAOOOOWWWW!!!!…. AAAAOOOOWWWW!!!!…. AAAAOOOWWWW!!!!

(The sounds disturb the family dog, who sits and stares quizzically at the figurine before adding to the racket with several sharp barks. Cut to Christmas morning, as the family try in vain to ignore the relentless Holy Sounds as it continues to burn itself into thier collective brains..)

Narrator: Your holidays will be even more meaningful with the Son of God filling your house with His majestic innocence (cut to various family members weakly opening thier gifts, staring blankly into the void as they continue to be tortured by the Majestic Innocence and fight the urge to find that “hidden microchip”). It’s a gentle and pleasant reminder that God is *always* with us!

(later that day, as the family pick at thier Christmas feast)

Figurine: AAAOOOOWWWW!!!!…. AAAAOOOOWWWW!!!!… AAAAOOOOWWWW!!!!…. AAAAOOOOWWWW!!!!

Narrator: These Joyous Cries will play throughout the holiday season, both day and night! (AAAAOOOOWWWW!!!!…. AAAAOOOOWWWWW!!!!… AAAAOOOOWWWW!!!!…. AAAAOOOOWWWW!!!!) These Magical Sounds will be heard continuously from Christmas Day until 3 King’s Day on January 6th. So celebrate the true meaning of Christmas this season (AAAAOOOOWWWW!!!!… AAAAOOOOWWWW!!!…. AAAAOOOOWWWW!!!), with a Grimaldi’s Classic Creation. Available at Lord and Taylor, and other fine stores.

Submitted by: Shawn

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

The Elevator

Normal Guy…..David Schwimmer
Rude Passenger…..Will Ferrell
Second Rude Passenger…..Mark McKinney
First Gay Guy…..Tim Meadows
Second Gay Guy…..Jim Breuer
Seemingly Normal Guy…..Norm MacDonald
Cute Woman…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on Normal Guy entering a service elevator. One floor later, a woman enters, casually acknowledges her fellow passenger, then gets off at the next floor. On that same floor, a Rude Passenger enters the elevator. As soon as the doors close, he promptly steps in front of the Normal Guy, crowding his space. ]

Normal Guy: [ dismayed ] Can I.. can I help you?

Rude Passenger: No, I’m fine.

[ elevator stops at next floor, as Second Rude Passenger enters, pushes the button for his floor, then crowds onto the other side of the Normal Guy ]

Normal Guy: [ jumps loose ] Okay, what, what, what? What’s going on? There’s a whole elevator here.

Rude Passenger: [ confused ] I’m sorry?

Second Rude Passenger: [ more confused ] Sorry?

Normal Guy: Well, there’s a whole elevator.. it’s just, you know.. most people stick to one side of the elevator or the other!

Second Rude Passenger: Ohhhh, I’m sorry.. you know, I was looking for the Elevator Instructions when I came in here. Where are they posted? I must have missed them.

Rude Passenger: Me, too. Thank God Mr. Elevator Monitor is here to teach us how to stand inside this thing.

Normal Guy: Look, I’m just saying that’s what people do, you know?

[ elevator stops at Rude Passengers’ floor ]

Second Rude Passenger: Well, my floor. You can have your precious elevator back! [ exits ]

Rude Passenger: Yeah, I’d better get out before he calls theElevator Police! [ exits ]

[ Normal Guy is flabbergasted by the episode that just occurred, but remains in the elevator. At the next stop, two gay guys enter and immediately hover into his personal space ]

Normal Guy: [ dumbfounded ] Okay, why? Why? What’s going on here?

First Gay Guy: [ confused ] What.

Normal Guy: Well, I know I don’t own the elevator.. but, you know, it’s a big elevator, right?

First Gay Guy: Right.

Normal Guy: I mean, I’ve seen them bring up, like, huge desks in here. You know, there’s a lot of room over there and over there and over there.. so, why? Why are you here? Why are you on top of me?! You’re standing on top of me, why?

First Gay Guy: We’re gay.

Normal Guy: Ah. O-kay.

Second Gay Guy: You’re straight, right?

Normal Guy: Yeah..

Second Gay Guy: Cool.

[ elevator stops at next floor ]

First Gay Guy: Well, let’s try the other one, Phil. [ they exit ]

[ Seemingly Normal Guy enters the elevator, maintaining a respectabledistance from the Normal Guy ]

Normal Guy: How’s it going?

Seemingly Normal Guy: Good!

Normal Guy: Good.

Seemingly Normal Guy: [ turns around and faces the back wall ]

Normal Guy: Hey? Are you okay?

Seemingly Normal Guy: Yeah, I am.. Hey, you’re not one of themgay elevator guys, are you? You just ditched some of your buddies, there!

Normal Guy: No! No!

Seemingly Normal Guy: Yeah, yeah! Yeah, right.

[ elevator stops at next floor, as two more guys enter and immediately press their body against the back wall just like the Seemingly Normal Guy. Seeing no other recourse but to join the statud quo, the Normal Guy turns around and also faces the wall. At the next stop, all three wall-facing guys exit the elevator, leaving the Normal Guy in that awkward position as a Cute Woman enters ]

Cute Woman: [ concerned by this odd display ] Excuse me?

Normal Guy: Yeah?

Cute Woman: Are you okay?

Normal Guy: What?

Cute Woman: Are you okay?

Normal Guy: [ turns around and realizes the other three guys have left ] Oh..! Oh.. yeah.. I’m fine, it’s just.. [ chuckles, and tries to forget the previous incident ]

Cute Woman: [ smiles ] Um.. could you help me with something?

Normal Guy: Oh, sure. [ Cute Woman jumps into his arms, lockingherself into a more comfortable position, but making him feeling awkward once more ] So, uh.. oh, you’re in Sales, right?

Cute Woman: Uh, no, I’m not.

[ elevator stops at her floor, so she climbs down from Normal Guy’s arms and exits. At that moment, two guys doing handstands hobble into the elevator ]

Voice of Handstand Man: 32, please?

Normal Guy: [ cooperative, despite the situation ] 32? Sure.[ presses the button ]

[ as the elevator doors close, the two guys doing handstands hobble into the Normal Guy’s personal space and crowd him, as scene zooms out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

Fuzzy Memories

Narrator…..Jack Handey

[ open on “Fuzzy Memories” book sitting before a roaring fire ]

Announcer: Fuzzy Memories —

[ hand reaches it to open the book to the first page, labled “by Jack Haney” ]

— by Jack Handey.

[ hand turns the page to an animated visual of the following sequence: Mom and Dad addressing the kids, and the holiday meal that followed ]

Narrator: I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one when we didn’t even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down, and explained that business hadn’t been good at Dad’s store. So we couldn’t afford a turkey. We had vegetables and bread and pie, and it was just fine.

[ dissolve to the young Jack entering his parents’ bedroom ]

Later, I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom to thank them, and I caught them eating a little turkey. I guess that wasn’t really the best Thanksgiving.

[ return to the first page, as the hand closes the book and returns to the cover ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

Goodnights

…..David Schwimmer

[ Cheri Oteri stands bashfully next to David Schwimmer, who’s holding a jar with a few dollar bills inside of it ]

David Schwimmer: So, uh.. Cheri made a little mistake earlier tonight. [ cast members laugh ] Cheri, you know the rules. [ turns the jar around to reveal it has “Swear Jar” written on it; Cheri drops a dollar into it ] Alright. [ Cheri covers her mouth and mimes zipping her lips ] Special thanks to Gary Coleman – Barry Williams – Jimmy Walker – Lisa Kudrow – Jennifer Aniston – and Natalie Merchant! [ places the Swear Jar on the floor ] Thanks, everyone! Good night!

SNL Transcripts