Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 21: Episode 5

95e: Quentin Tarantino / Smashing Pumpkins

Clara Turley’s Bible Challenge

Clara Turley…..Nancy Walls
…..Quentin Tarantino
…..Molly Shannon
Stan Hooper…..Norm MacDonald

Clara Turley: Hello. I’m Clara Turley. Welcome to the “BibleChallenge”, where we meet and rejoice in our knowledge of the Good Book.

Contestants: Praise the Lord!

Let’s meet our contestants. [ camera pans to Southern Baptist ] Dr. Gene Spaulding is a visiting Biblical scholar at Southern Baptist College in Atlanta. Welcome, Doctor!

Dr. Gene Spaulding: Thank you!

Clara Turley: [ camera pans to a nun ] Sister Penelope Keller works as a missionary in San Salvadore. And, of course, Stan Hooper is back. [ camera pans to punk drinking beer and smoking a cigarette ] Stan is our defending champion, he’s won 47 games in a row. Hello, Stan.

Stan Hooper: Hey, how’s it hanging!

Clara Turley: It’s hard to believe that just a few months ago, Stan was living in our halfway house doing odd jobs around the school. And now, he’s the world-famous authority on the Holy Scripture!

Sister Penelope Keller: Clara, I would like to say that it is anabsolute honor just to be sitting next to Mr. Hooper.

Dr. Gene Spaulding: I feel the same way. Stan Hooper’s an inspiration to us all!

Clara Turley: Praise the Lord! Well, let’s get started! This is a $20 question: “How many years were the Israelites in Egypt?” And the answer is: “430.” Dr. Spaulding, did you know that?

Dr. Gene Spaulding: No, ma’am, I did not.

Clara Turley: Ohh.. that’s too bad. Sister Keller?

Sister Penelope Keller: Uh, no, Clara, I did not.

Clara Turley: Ohhh.. I’m sorry. Stan?

Stan Hooper: [ mouth full of hamburger, he rings a bell in front of him ] Yeah, I knew that! [ is handed $20 ]

Clara Turley: That’s terrific, Stan! You’re off to another great start! Question 2: “Who said, ‘Oh, Earth, Earth, Earth.. hear the word of the Lord.'” And the answer is: “Jeremiah.”

[ pause ]

Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Yeah, I knew that! [ is handed$20 more ]

Clara Turley: Oh, Stan, if only there were more peoplelike you! Now, be careful, this is a trick question: “What did God sayto Abraham at the time of the sacrafice?” And the answer is: “Nothing.Because it was the angel who spoke, not the Lord.”

Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Oh, yeah, I knew that one! [ ishanded $20 more ]

Clara Turley: Good!

Sister Penelope Keller: [ suspicious, rings her bell ] Uh.. MissClara, I knew that one, too!

Clara Turley: Oh, my.. well.. let’s see.. Which of you knew itfirst?

Sister Penelope Keller: Well, I knew it as soon as you said”Abraham.”

Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah, yeah! I knew it before that. I knew it when you said.. something about a trick question?

Clara Turley: You know the rules. Stan wins again. Now, let’stake a break and read some letters. [ holds up letter ] “Dear Clara, we just adore Stan Hooper. Tell us more about him. Does he still do odd jobs?”

Stan Hooper: Uh.. no, no. I quit my job. I’m doing this showfull-time now.

Clara Turley: Here’s another one: [ holds up letter ] “Where did Stan Hooper learn so much about the Bible?”

Stan Hooper: Hey, Clara, listen.. can we get back to the game now? Time is money, you know? Praise the God!

Clara Turley: Of course. For $50: “Who is the patron saint ofFrance?” And the answer is: “St. Denis.”

Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Hey, hey, I knew that!

Dr. Gene Spaulding: [ rings his bell ] Excuse me, Clara? I don’t mean to be blasphemous.. but it occurs to me that when Brother Stan says he knows the answer.. well, he might be lying.

Clara Turley: Well.. I.. I don’t know what to say. I.. I suppose it’s possible.. It’s true the forces of darkness are everywhere. But there’s only one way to find out. Stan, are you lying?

Stan Hooper: No!

Clara Turley:I am so relieved! [ Stan is given his $50 ]

Dr. Gene Spaulding: Brother Stan, can you ever forgive me?

Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah, yeah, don’t worry about it. Hey, let’s get on with thie game! How about that Bonus Round?

Clara Turley: Alright! Our Bonus Round. For $100: “How many orders of angels are there?” And the answer is: “Nine.”

Stan Hooper: [ ring bell ] I knew that one!

Clara Turley: Ah, but can you name them, Stan? For $100each?

Stan Hooper: [ [ starts to panic ] Well, let’s see now..

Clara Turley: The answers are “Angels..”

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, I knew that! [ money startspiling up ]

Clara Turley: “..Archangels..”

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, that’s right!

Clara Turley: “..Seraphim..”

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Sure, Seraphim..

Clara Turley: “..Cherubims..”

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, the Cherubims..

Clara Turley: “..Powers..”

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, the Powers!

Clara Turley: “..Thrones..”

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah!

Clara Turley: “..Virtues..”

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, I knew that one!

Clara Turley: “..and Dominions.”

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yes, I knew that, too! I know them all!

[ the other two contestants applaud Stan’s knowledge ]

Clara Turley: Well, Stan, you are ahead again! No surpise there. So, you get to answer our Bible Challenge of the Week. It’s worth $1,000. Now, we’ve been researching this one all day, and it’s a dilly. Do you think you can handle it?

Stan Hooper: Well, I’m a little nervous..

Clara Turley: Here we go.. [ music rises ] Oh, heavens We’re out of time. Maybe next week, Stan..

Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Hey, hey, hold on there! Excuse me, but I knew the question you were gonna ask.

Clara Turley: You do?

Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah.. and I know the answer, too. [ turns around and grabs the prize money out of the dish ]

Clara Turley: Well, Saints be praised! You are a remarkable man! Stan, will you come back next week?

Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah, sure.. I think I can make it.

Clara Turley: Let us pray. Thank you, Lord, for giving us thisopportunity to rejoice in your Word.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 5

95e: Quentin Tarantino / Smashing Pumpkins

Bug-Off

Spokesman…..Will Ferrell

[ Bug-Off Spokesman walks into dark kitchen and turns on the lights – agroup of roaches quickly scatter away ]

Spokesman: Roaches. Eliminating them from your home should besafe, as well as effective. Most products on the market today use strong poisons to seize a roach’s central nervous system, paralyze him, and eventually kill them. Can’t we do better than that? Now you can, with new Bug-Off.

Roaches are attracted to Bug-Off by a chemical message that says, “Comeon in, it’s warm and safe in here.” Once inside, the roach is held fast by a powerful adhesive, while three pairs of tiny tweezers grab the roach’s legs and strech them in opposite directions until, eventually, they snap off. Meanwhile, a red-hot metal coil burns off the roach’s reproductive organs, as the roach’s own legs are used to beat him senseless. And, with the patented clear-view window, you can be sure it’s working. Finally, wads of turpentine silk cotton are stuffed into the roach’s orifices, while a tasty piece of food dangles just out of his reach.

True, none of this will actually kill the roach.. but it will give himplenty to think about. So stop coddling your roaches. They’ve had ittoo good for too long. Give them what they deserve, with Bug-Off.

Announcer: Bug-Off. Go Medieval!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 5

95e: Quentin Tarantino / Smashing Pumpkins

Spartan Cheeleaders

Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Cheerleader…..Quentin Tarantino

Craig and Arianna:
One, two, three, four, five
Mighty Spartans don’t take no jive
Six, seven, eight, nine, ten
Let’s back it up and do it again

One, two, three, four, five
Mighty Spartans don’t take no jive
Six, seven, eight, nine, ten
Let’s back it up and do it again

Craig: Are you a Spartan?

Arianna: I think so

Craig: Are you a Spartan?

Arianna: I think so

(Arianna jumps into Craig’s arms then holds her upside down)

Craig: Hey! Who’s that Spartan hangin’ upside down ?

Arianna: It’s me! It’s me!

Craig: I said who’s that Spartan hangin’ upside down?

Arianna: It’s me! It’s me!

Together: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Whooo Spartans!

Craig: (Looking at someone off-stage) Hey is the party still at Rick’s?

Arianna: The party? Is it still at Rick’s? What did he say?

Craig: I don’t…I can’t hear…He said the party’s still at Rick’s.

(Both do their famous kick and sits down)

Together: Shane! Oh, my God Shane! Go Shane! Awww…Go Shane!!!

You can’t see why we’re so great!
East Lake Spartans
You can’t see why we’re so great!
East Lake Spartans
East Lake Spartans
East Lake Spartans
Can’t see! Whoooo!

Craig: Look there’s Coach Maxwell…

Arianna: What? Where is he?

Craig: Right there. Coach Maxwell!

Arianna: Coach Maxwell!

Craig: The guys are doing great!

Arianna: Kickin’ butt!

(Both stand up)

Together: Coach Maxwell! Coach Maxwell!

Craig: He can’t hear us. (Another kick and then sits back down)

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy East Lake high school’s half-time entertainment!

Arianna: Oh my God…

(Craig and Arianna get up and stretch. Then dance to “Everybody Dance Now.” Awesome! Real Spartan cheerleader runs up and turns off their music)

Cheerleader: Listen you buttholes! You’re not a Spartan Spirit! Give back the uniforms! You didn’t make the squad! You got it? You’re not a Spartan Spirit! Oh, oh! A touchdown! (Running off-stage) Firecracker firecracker boom, boom, boom!

Arianna: (Crying) Just because we didn’t make the squad doesn’t mean we don’t have Spartan Spirit!

Craig: Yeah…let’s show him!

Arianna: Let’s show him!

(Continues dancing to “Everybody Dance Now”)

Submitted by: Jenni C.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 5

95e: Quentin Tarantino / Smashing Pumpkins

Directors on Directing

…..Quentin Tarantino
Spike Lee…..Tim Meadows
Oliver Stone…..David Koechner
Gus Van Sant…..Mark McKinney

Quentin Tarantino: Hello. I’m Quentin Tarantino, and welcome to “Directors On Directing”. Every week we try to take one aspect of the director’s art/craft, and put it under the microscope. Tonight’s subject: The relationship between the director and his actresses. Tonight’s guests include to my left, director of “Do The Right Thing” and “Malcom X”, Spike Lee. [ Applause ] And to my right, Academy Award winning director of “Platoon”, “JFK”, and my script “Natural Born Killers”, Oliver Stone. [ Applause ] And to his right, director of “Drugstore Cowboy” and “My Own Private Idaho”, Gus Van Sant. [ Applause ] So gentlemen, let’s get started, alright? Now the relationship between a director and his actress can be the most intimate relationship a man and a woman can share. When a director and an actress click, only a husband and wife, or a father and a daughter, share the same level of intimacy, closeness and, above all, trust. Now for us directors, the relationship is very simple: Actresses are some of the most beautiful women in the world and directors are, by and large, the most butt-ugly, motley group of geeks found this side of a Star Trek convention. Now, if I had a nickel for every director in Hollywood who any woman would give a second glance to if they weren’t a director, I couldn’t buy my way into a pay toilet. Now, take me for example, alright? Compared to the ugliest guy on Melrose Place, I look like a mutt with a mange. But you compare me to another director, I’m Ethan Hawke. Now Spike, a few years ago during the Academy Awards, Kim Bassinger stopped the show in mid-ceremony to declare her admiration for you and your film “Do The Right Thing”. Then about a week or so later, you had lunch with her. So now…Spike…did you jam her?

Spike Lee: I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Q, you know I only date black women.

Quentin Tarantino: I didn’t ask if you’d marry her, I asked did you jam her.

Spike Lee: Hey man, I’m married.

Quentin Tarantino: [ laughs ] Yeah, and the LAPD practices reasonable restraint. Spike, you’re a horny bastard. I know it, you know it, and so does everybody else.

Spike Lee: What the hell are you talking about, man? You don’t know me!

Quentin Tarantino: Everybody here who didn’t shoot an extreme close-up of their lips sucking on Rosie Perez’s breast, raise your hand, alright?

[ Tarantino, Oliver and Gus all raise their hands ]

Quentin Tarantino: I think I rest my case. We’re moving on! Alright, Oliver, you’re very much involved with the Asian community in America. You produced the “Joy Luck Club”, you directed “Heaven And Earth” and you constantly have dinners and functions for the Asian community. But Oliver, let’s call a spade a spade. [waves off Spike ] All your work with the Asian community, you do all this crap just to meet Asian babes, right?

Oliver Stone: Quentin, you know I care very deeply about the Asian community.

Quentin Tarantino: No, you care very deeply for your rolodex, Buddy. And if I had a dime for every Wong and Chu in it, I could start my own studio!

Oliver Stone: Well I resent your implications!

Quentin Tarantino: Well let’s talk about “Heaven and Earth”, Buddy. You take some Vietnamese little honey whose only prior acting experience was third girl from the left in a Godzilla movie, you give her the lead role in a fifty million dollar epic. Now if you can convince me you didn’t pat her Tai, I’ll convince you Oswald acted alone.

Oliver Stone: Now hold on just a minute!

Quentin Tarantino: We’re moving on, moving on! Gus. “My Own Private Idaho”. Keanu Reeves. Was the purple prose of your dialogue the only thing Keanu had problems with his tounge getting around?

Gus van Sant: [ stutters ] Uhh, Quentin, Keanu is not gay.

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah but you are, Buddy.

Gus van Sant: Yeah, but I thought we were talking about directors and actors…

Quentin Tarantino: Well you know what? I just changed the subject! Tonight’s issue is the relationship between a director and young, male husslers. What do you think about that, huh? I got one word for you, Buddy, Pasolini!

Spike Lee: Hey, what about you and Uma?

Gus van Sant: Yeah!

Quentin Tarantino: Uma Thurman?

Oliver Stone: What Uma do you think we’re talking about? Did you jam her? Did you jam her?!

Quentin Tarantino: Now, okay, gentlemen, why would I want to jam Uma Thurman? I mean back when I was working in a video store for five years! Making minimum wage! Thirty pounds overweight! Riding the bus in LA! Living with my mom! Girls like Uma were just crazy about me! Did I jam Uma…I jammed every chick on that set! And if you guys ever cast me in one of your movies, I’ll jam every chick on your set! What do you think about that?! And…uhh…on that note, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today. I’d like to thank all of my guests and be join us next week when my guests will be independent filmmakers Rick Linkletter, Kevin Smith, and Hal Harley. Our subject: A year on the film festival circuit, or, How I spent a year jamming foreign chicks! Good night and cut!

Submitted by: Adam

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 18th, 1995

Laura Leighton

Rancid

None

Paula Pell

Sam Waterston

Grant Show

Sean Penn
Air Force OneSummary: While President Clinton lives it up in First Class, Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) and Newt Gingrich (Darrell Hammond) must settle for the third world conditions of flying Coach.

Recurring Characters: Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich.

Transcript

Montage

Laura Leighton’s MonologueSummary: Laura Leighton’s biggest fans, Lucien (Mark McKinney) and Fagan (David Koechner), lavish their idol with flowers, reference favorite episodes, and present her with a portrait of themselves enjoying her performance on “Melrose Place”.

Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagan.

Transcript

Old Glory InsuranceSummary: Sam Waterston endorses the insurance plan that protects elderly people against robot attacks.

Transcript

The Fortune TellerSummary: A skeptical customer (Norm MacDonald) makes fun of a fortune teller (Laura Leighton) after she incorrectly states the name of his hometown.

Transcript

Home For The HolidaysSummary: Time-Life videotape series catalogues a series of family fights over the Thanksgiving holidays.

Transcript

What a Woman WantsSummary: Female hosts (Laura Leighton, Molly Shannon) have all the answers.

CydneySummary: In a nightmare dream sequence on “Melrose Place”, Sydney (Laura Leighton) is harrassed by annoying midgets during a perfume commercial shoot.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Norm MacDonald is twice the victim of a Howard Stern supporter posing as a serious commentator. Local resident Joe Blow (Colin Quinn) delivers neighborhood news items from his block.

Recurring Characters: Joe Blow.

Rancid performs “Roots Radical”

RobertaSummary: The presence of bland co-worker Roberta (Cheri Oteri) ruins a businesswoman’s (Laura Leighton) party.

Recurring Characters: Roberta.

Spade in AmericaSummary: Sean Penn agrees to an interview with David Spade as long as he can give the “SNL” star a tattoo.

Transcript

Self-PunishmentSummary: Tommy (Jim Breuer) tortures himself for making mistakes at the office.

Transcript

Rancid performs “Ruby Soho”

Git With YouSummary: Crossing paths on a stret corner, a homeboy (Tim Meadows) tells a businesswoman (Laura Leighton) that he wants to “git” with her.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Air Force One

Bob Dole…..Norm Macdonald
Newt Gingrich…..Darrell Hammond
Denise Pamillan…..Cheri Oteri
Ken Pamillan…..Will Ferrell
Flight Attendant…..Nancy Walls
Captain…..Mark McKinney
Passenger…..Paula Pell
Reporter…..Steve Higgins

FADE IN:

[ NBC News footage of Air Force One taking off from Ben Gurion Airport. ]

[ SUPER: AIR FORCE ONE, TEL AVIV TO WASHINGTON ]

[ NBC News footage of Presidents Clinton, H.W. Bush, and Carter in the Conference Room. All are smiles, despite leaving the memorial service for the late Israeli Prime Minister: Yitzhak Rabin. ]

Reporter (V/0): Doing good, Mr. President?

President Clinton (V/O): Yep… sure is… at least up front!

[ All three presidents exchange a light laugh. ]

[ INT. AIR FORCE ONE – REAR CABIN – DAY ]

[ Senate Majority Leader BOB DOLE and House Speaker NEWT GINGRICH are seated. ]

Newt Gingrich: Ya know, Bob — I simply can’t believe he made us sit back here! I just can’t believe it!

Bob Dole: Yeah, I can’t believe the size of these damn nuts!

[ Senator Dole lightly shakes a bag of airline peanuts. ]

Bob Dole: Damn outrage! Nothing but nut dust!!!

[ Senator Dole shakes the bag too hard, and all the peanut dust spills onto Speaker Gingrich’s suit. ]

Newt Gingrich: Oh God!!! Has any other Speaker of the House been subjected to this total lack of respect!?

Bob Dole: Pip down, Gingrich — we’ll fix his wagon when we get back to Washington, D.C.!

[ A FLIGHT ATTENDANT strolls by with a tray of scones. ]

Newt Gingrich: Excuse me, ma’am? Those scones are looking mighty tasty. Could I just have one of those?

Flight Attendant: I’m sorry, these scones are for the President. Now, when I come back, I’ll try to scrounge something up for you and the Senator. Okay?

Bob Dole: Ah, that’s wonderful! Bob Dole’s been serving this country for 50 years, and has to now beg for a biscuit?

Flight Attendant: You a little cranky today, Mr. Senator? Please tighten your seat belts. Okay? Thanks!

[ Both Senator Dole & Speaker Gingrich fasten their seat belts, which are nothing more than white nylon rope. ]

Bob Dole: I’ll show her cranky! It won’t be long before I’m riding up front all the time, now that Powell pushed out.

[ A flock of chickens roam the main aisle. ]

Bob Dole: Damn chickens!

Newt Gingrich: What the hell!?

[ NBC News footage of President Clinton appearing content. ]

Captain (V/O): Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! This is the Captain speaking. We’re currently flying over the Mediterranean at an altitude of 38,000 feet. In a moment, we’ll begin our complimentary beverage service in the Presidential Cabin. And in the Rear Cabin, you folks there can purchase your beverages for $3.50.

[ Senator Dole starts to unfasten his “seat belt”. ]

Bob Dole: $3.50 for a drink!? I’ll clean his redneck clock!!!

Newt Gingrich: Bob, Bob, Bob!!! C’mon, just relax! He’ll pay for this when we get back to Washington. We’ll shut down the whole damn government if we have to!

[ Senator Dole & Speaker Gingrich share a hearty laugh and clasp hands. ]

Bob Dole: Sounds good!

[ DENISE & KEN PAMILLAN pop out from their seats, which are behind the two political leaders. ]

Denise Pamillan: Excuse me, excuse me… are you Bob Dole? And are you Newt Gingrich?

Newt Gingrich: Yes, ma’am!

Ken Pamillan: Wow! I’m Ken Pamillan, and this is my wife, Denise!

Denise Pamillan: Hi!

Ken Pamillan: We’re the winners of the “Win a Flight on Air Force One” contest.

Denise Pamillan: This is like a dream come true for us! We’ve never won anything before! But now, here we are — sitting with two big politicians!!!

[ The Pamillans share a loud laugh. ]

Ken Pamillan: All thanks to the folks at the Kellogg’s Cereal Company!

Denise Pamillan: No, it’s thanks to you, honey — I didn’t have the patience to save up 500 Box Tops!

[ The Pamillans share another loud laugh and return to their seats. Senator Dole stops the flight attendant as she comes by. ]

Bob Dole: Ma’am, ma’am… I’m begging! A saltine, a French fry… anything! What do you have here?

Flight Attendant: I’m sorry, but with the President on board, there aren’t a lot of leftovers.

[ Speaker Gingrich chuckles. ]

Bob Dole: Ha, ha! President likes to eat. What a great barrel of laughs…

Captain (V/O): In a few moments, we will begin today’s movie presentation. In the Presidential Cabin, we’ll be showing “Casino”, with Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci. And in our Rear Cabin, we present “The Beastmaster”, starring Tanya Roberts.

Ken Pamillan: Did you hear that, guys!? “The Beastmaster”!

Denise Pamillan: Pinch me, Ken! Because I must be dreaming!!!

[ The Pamillans share another loud laugh. Ken holds a can of soda in front of Senator Dole & Speaker Gingrich. ]

Ken Pamillan: You guys want a soda? Because we have an extra.

Bob Dole: Give me that!

[ Senator Dole & Speaker Gingrich battle over the soda. Senator Dole wins. ]

President Clinton (V/O): Bob…Newt…

[ PRESIDENT CLINTON, only backside visible, whisks through the Rear Cabin to shake hands with Pamillans. ]

President Clinton (V/O): How ‘ya doing? How’re you enjoying your flight so far?

Newt Gingrich: Mr. President, we’re hoping we could talk about the budget?

President Clinton (V/O): Maybe later, Newt. Listen, Donna Shalala is in the can up front, so I’m just gonna use yours!

[ President Clinton departs. ]

Bob Dole: Mr. President, Bob Dole has flown on Air Force One over a 100 times and never had to —

[ A goat in the main aisle starts licking Senator Dole’s shoe. ]

Bob Dole: What the hell!? Is that a goat? Good Lord! Mr. President…Mr. President!? Gosh, dammit!

[ Senator Dole tosses his soda can at the nearest window, which cause it to shatter. Air Force One starts to lose cabin pressurization, and almost sucks out a female PASSENGER, who screams in terror. Speaker Gingrich struggles to save her. ]

Newt Gingrich: What in the world!? Now, look what you’ve done! What do you have to say for yourself?

Bob Dole: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6



Search Now:

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

The Fortune Teller

Madam Sophia…..Laura Leighton
Stan Hopper…..Norm Macdonald
Beverly…..Nancy Walls

(Opens with a shot of Madam Sophia’s Tarot CardsReadings shop. Signs advertise Psychic and ReaderAdvisor. Cut to inside of the shop)

Stan: Hello. Anybody here? Hello. Anybodyaround? (Madam Sophia emerges from one door)

Madam Sophia: Hello. I’m Madam Sophia.

Stan: Hey, cool. I got this card for my birthday. Itsays I’m entitled to one free reading. I don’t believemuch in that stuff. But what the heck?

Madam Sophia: Yes. Have a seat.

Stan: OK, thanks fortune lady.

(They both sit down in front of a table with a crystalball in front of them. She gives the tarot cards toStan)

Madam Sophia: Cut the cards.

Stan: All right. There you go.

(Madam flips cards in front of Stan)

Madam Sophia: Now I’m gonna tell you about your past, yourpresent and your future.

Stan: OK, if it’s free tell away. Tarot cards, huh?Cool. Fortune stuff.

Madam Sophia: I see that you have a very large family.

Stan: Yes, yes large family, that’s true.

Madam Sophia: You have 7 brothers and sisters.

Stan: Hey, hey! That’s right!

Madam Sophia: Yes, but you were especially close to yoursister.

Stan: Wow! Yes, I am! That’s cool!

Madam Sophia: Your sister misses you and all her otherbrothers. John–

Stan: Uh, huh.

Madam Sophia: Ben, Michael you’re Stan–

Stan: Yeah.

Madam Sophia: Richard and Phil.

Stan: Good Lord! That’s incredible!

Madam Sophia: You were all so happy back in Ohio.

Stan: Yeah, we were. Yeah.

Madam Sophia: Back in your hometown—

Stan: Oh, yeah, man we loved that place.

Madam Sophia: Your hometown of Dayton, Ohio.

Stan: No!

Madam Sophia: It’s not Dayton?

Stan: No! it’s Cincinnati. It’s not even near Dayton!Jeez!!

Madam Sophia: Well, lets move on. (Hand gestures over crystalball)

Stan: Dayton! Dayton! (Jerks thumb at the Madam)

Madam Sophia: You miss your sister.

Stan: Yeah, yeah I miss her, yeah. Hey! you know whatelse I miss? Dayton! Oh, yeah good old Dayton! I’llnever forget that place.

Madam Sophia: Your sister hasn’t told you something. It is afamily secret. It concerns a man named Jerry Hoster.

Stan: Jerry Hoster. Yeah, yeah. He was a handyman whoworked in our farm in Cincinnati – or as you may knowit, Dayton!

Madam Sophia: This Jerry. He was a very bad man.

Stan: Ohh, he’s the baddest man in Dayton!

Madam Sophia: The secret involves your mother. She reached aviolent end…with a hatchet.

Stan: Yeah, she was murdered with a hatchet, if thatwhat you’re referring to.

Madam Sophia: They never solved the murder. They never foundher killer.

Stan: Yeah, there were no witnesses. Yeah, themDayton police just couldn’t figure it out. (Jerk thumbsagain and grins at her)

Madam Sophia: Wait! There was one witness. Your sister!

Stan: My sister? My sister saw the murder?

Madam Sophia: That’s why she’s troubled! She repressed thememory of who killed your mother.

Stan: Really? Wh..ooo.., who did it, who did it!

Madam Sophia: It was….I can’t see it….I can’t.

Stan: Who was it? Who was it?

Madam Sophia: Only your mother knows. I can summon her spiritif you like.

Stan: Yeah, yeah summon her spirit.

(Madam Sophia closes her eyes and chants)

Madam Sophia: Beverly! Come to us! Beverly your son needsyou! Beverly come to us!

(Beverly’s head floats upon Stan’s and the Madam’sheads)

Beverly: Stanley!

Stan: Mom! Is that you?

Beverly: Stanley, I can hear you!

Stan: Oh, my God! Mom! I miss you, mom!

Beverly: I miss you too Stanley.

Stan: Mom, did we ever live in Dayton?

Beverly: No.

Stan: You ever been to Dayton?

Beverly: No.

Stan: Did you ever consider living in Dayton?

Beverly: No.

Stan: OK, mom so just for the record, I want to beabsolutely clear here…is any of our family evenremotely connected to the city of Dayton?

Beverly: No, but son I love you.

Stan: OK, thank you. Thanks a lot.

(Mother’s image disappears)

Madam Sophia: Ask her about the murder. She’s leaving!

Stan: Yeah, well she’s probably on her way up toDayton. Don’t worry about it. Hey, look lady this hasbeen a lot of fun, you know but I got to get going.Good birthday present. Been a hoot.

Madam Sophia: No, wait! I see who killed your mother. It wasthe handyman.

Stan: What? Jerry?

Madam Sophia: Yes, and he’s nearby. If you leave this roomyou’ll be killed exactly like your mother was…with ahatchet!

Stan: Oh, yeah, well I better be careful. OK, bye-byefortune lady.

(Gets up and leaves)

Madam Sophia: No, wait…no!

Stan: OK, bye-bye. Take care.

(Madam Sophia gets up and looks from her door at Stanand screams)

Madam Sophia: Aaaahhh!!!!

(Stan comes back in impaled by a spear, the pointsticks out of his belly)

Stan: Well, well, well…..looky here! Yep, somebody threw a hatchet at me, all right. Yeah, that’s a hatchet. You know how I can tell? By it’s giant spear-like shape! Yeah, no doubt about it! Hey!,I’ll tell you what, maybe I’ll go now, I gotta get back to Dayton, maybe I’ll chop down a tree with my shiny new hatchet! (Waves the spear around with his body) Huh?Dayton, Dayton. Good Lord!

(Leaves, Madam Sophia is left horrified)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Git With You

Homeboy…..Tim Meadows
Woman…..Laura Leighton

[ open on the outside of Provence Restaurant – a Woman steps outside tohail a cab, where she is noticed by a Homeboy on the sidewalk ]

Homeboy: Hey, baby. I gotta git with you!

Woman: I’m sorry?

Homeboy: You heard me. I gotta git with you all night!

Woman: Please, I don’t want to be bothered tonight.

Homeboy: I wanna git with you!

Woman: Look.. I had a hard day, and I’m really not in the mood for this.

Homeboy: I wanna git with you all night long!

Woman: Okay. Let’s say you can “git” with me.. all night long. Where does that get me?

Homeboy: In the Winner’s Circle, baby! [ laughs ]

Woman: You know what, I think you’re thinking about what you need, and not about what I need.

Homeboy: No, no, baby, you got me all wrong, you know?

Woman: No, no, I don’t.

Homeboy: Look.. I was thinking maybe we could go see “Il Postino” at one of those art movie houses.. or any of those foreign films, like “Shaft in Africa”, you know?

Woman: [ laughs ] You don’t know anything about foreign films. You probably just read that in the paper.

Homeboy: [ thinking ] I just wanna git with you!

Woman: I’d say, at this point, it’s highly unlikely that you’regoing to “git” with me, as you so eloqently put it.

Homeboy: Aw, but baby!

Woman: Don’t call me baby. I’m not your baby. And stopgrabbing your crotch, it’s really unattractive.

Homeboy: Alright. Well, how about this? I was thinking we could walk around Washington Square Park and hold hands, you know, while we look at all the different chess players – you know, just people watch. And then we could into one of those coffee/cafe houses and whisper to each other about our hopes and our dreams for the future, and wonder why it’s so easy to feel isolated in a room full of people. And then I wanna git with you!

Woman: See, there you go again..

Homeboy: Oh, no, no.. you talking about my phrase, “Git With You”, huh? See, I use that purely to express my desire to connect with you in the Earth Mother sense, you know? “Git With You” referring to the many treasures that you as a woman share, you know? Life-giving milk and peaceful beauty. Hence the phrase “Git With You”, which is what I wanna do. Now, can I git with you?

Woman: No!

Homeboy: You know, you just threatened by the honesty of mysexuality.

Woman: Oh, save it for your next Penthouse letter. Youdon’t know anything about me.

Homeboy: Oh, baby, I know everything about you! You know, I know exactly what you like. You know, we could sit around your bedroom and cut cool pictures out of magazines, and I’ll braid your hair.. we can call all your friends on the telephone and get all giddy and laughing.. and we can watch some late-night movie and create our own dialogue. And then one day we’ll be carving pumpkins at Halloween together, and I’ll look at you, and you’ll have a pumpkin seed on your nose, and I’ll reach to knock it off, and you’ll gently grab my hand and look into my eyes.. and then I wanna git with you!

Woman: Why does it always have to end the same way? It was actually nice until then.

Homeboy: Really? Well.. you know, what say you and me go back to my room at the Y? ‘ Cause, you know, I got a big ol’ jug of Gallo Wine just sitting there, you know? And we can just sit around and talk like friends and listen to my transistor radio.

Woman: [ pause ] You promise you’re not gonna try to “git” with me?

Homeboy: Nooo.. we all past that point now.

Woman: [ thinking ] Okay.

Homeboy: [ holds up his arm for her to grab ] Bob.

Woman: [ grabs his arm ] Susan.

Homeboy: You know, in the future, after we get a bond together and everything – can I git with you?

Woman: We’ll see.

[ they walk off into the night ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Goodnights

…..Laura Leighton

Laura Leighton: Well, it’s been a blast! I’d like to thank everybody here, at “Saturday Night Live” – Rancid – and Grant!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6

95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Home For The Holidays

Time-Life Operator…..Nancy Walls
Steve…..Mark McKinney
Daughter…..Laura Leighton
James…..Jim Breuer
Bobby…..Fred Wolf
Mom…..Molly Shannon
Dad…..Will Ferrell

Time-Life Operator: Hi, I’m Cindy, Time-Life operator! Steve isgoing to tell you all about our new holiday offer, and then I’ll be back to take your order! See you soon!

Steve: Thanks, Cindy. Yes, the holiday season is here, and many of us head home to be our families. But to those of us who just can’t make it home this year, Time-Life is offering a video collection of all the incredible family fights you’ll miss out on. Yes, these tapes contain all the strained conversations, dysfunctional couplings, and plain old meltdowns that we come to expect during holiday get-togethers. The first video collection contains ten family fights, like these:

[ supers of each one scroll up the screen as Steve reads them ]

“So, tell me, how is sitting in a tent in Peru going to make me feel good about the seventy grand I spent putting you through college?”

“Dad, quit talking to her so much, she’s my girlfriend.”

What made you think you could bring that black man into my house. I don’t give a god G*d damn if he does hear me.”

And this holiday favorite: “Feeling Tipsy.”

[ cut to a Dramatization of this holiday classic, set around the dinner table ]

Daughter: What are you grinning at, James?

James: [ tipsy ] What?! I’m just happy!

Bobby: Yeah, try stoned..

Daughter: Look at you, you look like an idiot, grinning like a jackass. You’re drunk again, aren’t you?

Mom: Alright, who took my cooking sherry?

Dad: [ quiet until now ] That’s it! [ flips his dinner plate and jumps out of his chair ] F**k this! I’m leaving!

Steve Voiceover: And others, like:

[ supers scroll up the screen ]

“We don’t care about the sixties, Mom, the sixties are over! Now you’re all just sad.”

“I’m sorry I, I didn’t mean, I’m sorry I didn’t mean, I’m sorry I didn’t I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it just slipped out.”

“You’ll eat every bite of that dinner your mother cooked, and if youvomit it up, you’ll eat that, too.”

And, “Not Good Enough.”

[ cut to another Dramatization ]

Dad: [ yelling at James ] You screw up everything you put your hands on! You scratched my car..!

James: It was Bobby!

Bobby: [ mimicking ] It was Bobby!

Dad: You’re both pathetic! What’s the point? What’s thedamn point?

Daughter: Dad, you wouldn’t know the point if it bit you in the ass.

Dad: That’s it! [ flips his dinner plate and jumps out of his chair ] F**k this! I’m leaving!

Steve Voiceover: Each month, you’ll receive a collection from “Home For the Holidays.” You can cancel at anytime. But don’t miss out, because you’ll also get:

[ supers scroll up the screen ]

“I pierced my ear because I like it. I pierced my nose because I hate you.”

“I thought you said that you’d take care of this dog? I’ll take himout in the backyard right now and shoot him in the f**kin’ head.”

“It’s homosexual, Dad, not faggot. And no, I don’t have to live here.”

And the classic, “Abrupt Eruption.”

[ cut to final Dramatization ]

James: Mom, this turkey is incredible!

Bobby: Yeah, it’s great!

Mom: Thanks, boys! Well, it’s smoked, that’s why it’s so tender.

Daughter: Dad, will you pass the cranberry sauce?

Dad: That’s it! [ flips his dinner plate and jumps out of his chair ] F**k this! I’m leaving!

Steve Voiceover: Here’s Cindy, to tell you more.

[ cut back to Cindy ]

Time-Life Operator: Call the number at the bottom of your screen, and I’ll be standing by to take your order!

SNL Transcripts