SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

Calgon

Customer…..Chris Parnell
Mr. Ling…..Jackie Chan
Mrs. Ling…..Maya Rudolph

Customer: How do you get your shirts so white, Mr. Ling?

Mr. Ling: Shh. Ancient Chinese Secret.

[ cut to back room of laundromat, where Mrs. Ling listens ]

Mrs. Ling: My husband – some hotshot. Here’s his “Ancient Chinese Secret” – new, improved Calgon. Calgon helps shirts get up to 30% whiter. [ enters front room of laundromat shaking empty Calgon box ] We need more Calgon!

Customer: “Ancient Chinese Secret”, huh?

[ Mr. Ling jumps over the counter and pummels the customer against the wall, then raises him in the air by his shirt collar ]

Mr. Ling: If you tell anybody about this.. you’re dead man!

Mrs. Ling: [ listening again from back room ] New Calgon. Shh.. our secret.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 20


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 20th, 2000

Jackie Chan

Kid Rock

None

Sarah Michelle Geller

Gina Gershon

Florence Henderson

Andy Murphy

Trey Anastasio
The Ladies ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) plays a round of “Who Wants To Be My Skank?”

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

Transcript

Montage

Jackie Chan’s MonologueSummary: Other action film stars challenge Jackie Chan.

Recurring Characters: Steven Seagal.

Transcript

Nick Burns, Your Company Computer GuySummary: Nick Burns (Jimmy Fallon) informs the terminal drones that Wang (Jackie Chan) will be filling in for him while he’s on vacation.

Recurring Characters: Nick Burns.

Transcript

The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbie (Ana Gasteyer) sing an unusual medley at the school’s Rennaissance Festival.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbi Mohan-Culp, Senor Franklin.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Fans interrupt during the filming of Madonna’s “American Pie” music video.

The ZimmermannsSummary: Flirtations run rampant between Josh (Chris Kattan) and Laura Zimmermann (Cheri Oteri) and inter-racial couple Kim (Jackie Chan) and Kim (Molly Shannon) while on a miniature golf course.

Recurring Characters: Josh Zimmermann, Laura Zimmermann.

Legends in ConcertSummary: A concert of rock legend impersonators includes Chang Cong Sun’s (Jackie Chan) Chinese unconvincing Elvis portrayal.

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

Kid Rock performs “American Bad Ass”

Pretty LivingSummary: Joyologist Helen Madden (Molly Shannon) shows off her new aerobic lover, Rusty Lao (Jackie Chan).

Recurring Characters: Gail Gleeson, Helen Madden.

CalgonSummary: Laundromat owner (Jackie Chan) protects the secret of Calgon from a nosy customer (Chris Parnell).

Transcript

The Men At The Center of the EarthSummary: Various men from around the globe meet up while digging a series of tunnels below the earth’s surface.

Transcript

Kid Rock performs “Only God Knows Why”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears

Woodrow

Woodrow…..Tracy Morgan
…..Britney Spears
Britney’s Manager…..Chris Parnell
Fan #1…..Chris Kattan
Fan #2…..Will Ferrell
Fan #3…..Molly Shannon
Fan #4…..Jimmy Fallon

[Fans cheering for Britney]

Woodrow: (Pushing through fans to get to Britney) Over here Britney! It’s me Woodrow!

Britney’s Manager: Ok, listen. Stand back. Stand back, everyone. Mrs. Spears is very tired everyone. So I’m sorry there will be no autographs tonight.

[Fans begin calling again]

Woodrow: Look it here everyone, it’s me Woodrow! Woodrow!

[Fans groan at scent of Woodrow]

Fan #1: Aww, he stinks!

Britney’s Manager: Please do not come any closer to Mrs. Spears.

Fan #2: He thinks he’s gonna talk to Britney!

[Fans laugh at Woodrow]

Fan #3: (Pointing at Woodrow) Look everyone he’s craaaazy!

Fan #4: Hey! He doesn’t even have any money to see the show!

(Fans continue to laugh)

Woodrow: HEY! That’s not funny! WHY? WHY? Stop laughing at me! I have feelings too! Stop laughing at me. Woodrow didn’t hurt no one! (Woodrow starts crying)

Britney’s Manager: Ok, Ok. Listen, Listen. Everyone the shows over. Let’s break this up.Ok. We gotta go.

Britney: Wait a minute. They hurt his feelings. I’m so sorry, would you like me to sign your telephone book for you?

Woodrow: Who me?

Britney: Yes you. You old cry baby.

Woodrow: I guess I kinda overreacted.

Britney: Here use this. (Hands Woodrow purple handkerchief)

Woodrow: Thanks. (Wipes eyes) It’s just that I’m.. I’m such a big fan, and when they started laughing at me, I just wanted to run home.

Britney: Where’s home?

Woodrow: About 10 feet from here.

Britney: You live in the alley?

Woodrow: No, down in the manhole. I live in the sewer.

Britney: I tell ya what, since these people are kinda stuffy anyways how about I walk you home.

Woodrow: You mean it? You would do that?

Britney: For you? Come on Woodrow.

(Fans get restless)

Britney’s Manager: Britney! Where are you going? We’ve gotta, We’ve gotta plane to catch!

Britney: I’ll be back, I’m just gonna go down in the sewer.

Britney’s Manager: The sewer?! Britney no! (Woodrow and Britney climb down manhole) What are you doing?

Fan #3: You guys! Britney is heading down into the sewer with a crazy homeless man!

Fan #1: That’s big news!

Fan #3: Britney!

Britney’s Manager: Somebody stop her! Someone call the police!

Fan #4: Let’s all go down in the sewer!(Fans cheer)

Britney’s Manager: No, no, no, no…It’s too dangerous.

(Britney and Woodrow are shown in sewer)

Woodrow: Well, this is it. This is where I live.

Britney: It’s not so bad…I like the mailbox!

Woodrow: Oh I stole that ’cause it had secrets about me.

Britney: You know what? Sometimes I’d like to steal a mailbox.

Woodrow: Oh you’re just sayin’ that.

Britney: I know.

Woodrow: Say Britney, I was wondering…

Britney: What?

Woodrow: Well your always singing for everyone else and I wrote this, this song and I thought…

Britney: Aw that’s so sweet…Yes, please I’d love to hear it.

Woodrow: I got it right here. I mean it’s no “Oops I Did It Again” but…

Britney: Just sing it!

Woodrow: (singing)
Little TV sets, goin’ off inside my ear
Spaceman floating by
Firecracker beer
Chased a demon’s lightning
Music hits your eye
Up and down the sidewalk
Take a Doo Doo Pie
I Love You

Britney: Oh my gosh that was so beautiful.

Woodrow: You mean it?

Britney: I do. It was really nice.

Woodrow: I kinda wrote it at a really crazy time in my life. You really like it?

Britney: I love it.

Woodrow: I love you.

Britney: I love you too.

(As Woodrow and Britney are about to kiss…)

Britney’s Manager (From Above) Britney! Britney Spears. Are you down there in the sewer?

Britney: It’s my manager…

Britney’s Manager: (From Above) We’re coming to get you.

Woodrow: You better go.

Britney: I can’t! I wanna stay with you. Down here in the sewer.

Woodrow: Shhhh. No, the world up there needs you. You go.

Britney: I’ll see you Woodrow…

Woodrow: So long Britney…

(Britney climbs up ladder out of sewer)

Woodrow: (singing)
Chased a demon’s lightning.
Music hits your eye.
Up and down the sidewalk.
Take a Doo Doo Pie.
I Love You.

(fade)

Submitted by: Andrew Gould

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears

Deandra Wells Comeback Tour

Gordon Davis…..Will Ferrell
Alan “Sticks” McRae…..Chris Parnell
Donny Gordon…..Horatio Sanz
Deandra Wells…..Ana Gasteyer

[ open on exterior, Las Vegas, night ]

[ a sign outside the Westward Ho advertises: “DEANDRA WELLS Feel The Love Tour” ]

[ dissolve to interior, as Deandra Wells’ back-up band performs “Mandy” for the crowd ]

[ the audience applauds their performance ]

Gordon Davis: Thank you! Thank you so much! Thanks again for being so patient. In just a few minutes, the lady herself — Ms. Deandra Wells — will take the stage. While we’re waiting, let me introduce you to the band. Mr. Alan “Sticks” McRae on drums. [ Alan beats a lick to his own delight, as Grodon shrugs ] And on bass, our resident smart-aleck — Donny Gordon. [ the pipe-toting Donny strums his bass and spins it around, as Gordon laughs ] And… the incomparable Gordon Davis on piano. [ he acts with mock surprise ] Hey, that’s me! Okay, folks — [ an attendant leans over the piano to whisper a message to Gordon ] Alright. Looks like we’re all set. Fellas? [ the band plays Deandra’s entrance music ] We’re so truly blessed to have worked with this legendary musical superstar for the past four decades. Ladies and gentlemen, the diva of all divas — the Queen of song — Deandra Wells!

[ Deandra Wells emerges from behind a curtain, nearly tripping as she makes her entrance ]

Deandra Wells: Thank you so much! Thank you, thank you so, so much! Ohhhhhh, feel the love! Feel the love! how wonderful it must be for all of you to be here with me. Ohhh! [ sings ] “In a child’s mind…” [ audience applauds ] My first platinum hit — thanks for remembering! THank you! I’m not too happy with the sound system, but we’ll try and make a go of it.

[ singing ]

“In a child’s mind
A dream can be just a… balloon.
But in a woman’s heart
A dream floats away much too soon.”

[ the audience applauds more ]

Ohhhh, thank you so much! hank you! [ to the band ] Could we take this way down? Could we take this way down? I want to sing this real quiet for the people. Real quiet. They’re so special! [ looks out into the audience ] Oh, look at you, girl! You are HUGE! And you are beautiful! Oh, God bless every INCH of you! Ohhhhhh!! [ as Gordon plays the piano ] Shh shh shh shh shh!! Let’s bring it down — let’s bring it way down. [ Gordon softens his playing ] Let’s bring it way down.

Gordon Davis: [ grabs his microphone ] We’re way down, now.

Deandra Wells: Shh, shh shh shh shh shh!! Shh shh shh shh shh!! [ pause ] A little louder. A little louder, I need something. I need something!

Gordon Davis: [ annoyed ] I don’t know what you want, Deandra!

Deandra Wells: I want you to do your job, Boo-Boo! [ to the audience ] Boo-Boo Davis, everybody! Boo-Boo Davis —

Gordon Davis: [ correcting her ] Gordon Davis!

Deandra Wells: I call him Boo-Boo ’cause he makes a lot of mistakes! [ she cracks up laughing ] But I keep in the family, ’cause he’s just like one of me! You know what I mean? I love you, Boo. I love you, Boo!

[ the expression on Gordon’s face reveals that he’s not the least bit amused. It is clear that he would like to leap over his piano and strangle Deandra. ]

Deandra Wells: [ sings a couple more bars of “Through a Child’s Eyes” ] You know, we would have done this tour a lot earlier, but the guys all took some time off. Doing the solo thing. But, lucky for me, they all failed! [ she chuckles ] Boo-Boo, especially! [ approaches Gordon ] Boo-Boo? Boo-Boo, look at me — in the eye. Boo-Boo, look me right here in the eyes. [ Gordon doesn’t avert his gaze ] I know when you’re looking at me and when you’re not. Boo-Boo, look me right here. [ Gordon slowly turns his head towards Deandra ] There you go. [ she raises her finger ] When you are here on this stage — with me — you will never be a joke.

[ Gordon stares at Deandra with contempt, as she begins singing again ]

Deandra Wells: [ singing ]
“Through a child’s eye
A tree makes a castle… of lo-o-ove!
But on a woman’s face, the tears fit her cheek like a glo-o-o-o-ove.”

You know, I first sang this song with Mr. Neil Sedaka, but, unfortunately, he could not be here with us tonight. So Boo-Boo’s gonna help me out with the duet part. And he doesn’t do too well under pressure, so let’s keep our fingers crossed, okay?

[ singing ] “In a child’s mouth…”

Gordon Davis: [ singing off-key ] “A lollipop can ta-aste so swee-eet!”

Deandra Wells: He’s no Sedaka, I know.

[ singing ] “But to a woman’s ear…”

Gordon Davis: [ singing off-key ] “The sound of good-bye is no treat.”

Deandra Wells: Ooooohhhh!! One of us is flat!

[ singing together ]
“Keep the woman-child inside your woman
Don’t let her run away.
Keep the woman-child –“

[ high-pitched feedback suddenly occurs ]

Owww!!! Ow! This SHOCKED me, DAMMIT!!

Gordon Davis: [ snarkily ] Good.

Deandra Wells: You can go to HELL, Boo-Boo!!

Alan “Sticks” McRae: [ jumps to his feet ] NO!! YOU go to HELL, Deandra!! Did you ever ONCE go to one of his solo shows?!! Even once?!! Did you know that he was nominated for a Grammy, for Best Spoken Recording?!! He has the voice of an angel!! [ he sits ]

Donny Gordon: Hey, you know what?! Never, EVER, make us stand in alphabetical order at the card table while YOU write our OUR checks!!

Gordon Davis: And you listen!! You LISTEN, you DIVA WHORE!! Don’t you ever, EVER, shove me down the steps of the tour bus again!! And, starting RIGHT NOW, I DO NOT babysit your Italian greyhound!! GOT IT?!! [ Deandra is stunned, so Gordon jumps up and pinches her ] YOU GOT IT?!! [ Deandra backs off ] GOOD!!

[ a stunned Deandra turns to face the crowd, then flourishes her arms ]

Deandra Wells: Thank you so much, thank you so much! [ singing ] “In a child’s mind…” Feel the love — feel the love, everybody! Come on! [ singing ] “A dream can be just a… balloon.” It’s all about love — it’s all about you all loving me! Thank you so much!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
…..Chris Parnell

Colin Quinn: Well, Spring is in the air. The time when a young man’s thoughts turn to romance and young love. Here with some of his thoughts on the subject, is our own Chris Parnell.

Chris Parnell: Thanks, Colin. You know, I’ve never done one of these “Update” things before, so I’m a little nervous. When I first heard that Britney Spears was gonna be hosting the show, I got pretty excited [ laughs ]. I don’t think anybody would blame me for that. I mean, she’s so talented and beautiful and sweet.. I just started wondering what it would be like to go out with her. You know, maybe we were both out in L.A. this summer, and I’d call her up and ask her out on a date, and she says, “Sure, come on over.” So, I drive over and pick her up, and she comes out looking just radiant.. well, it’s kind of corny, but I wrote this song about what our date might be like. [ stands ] So, Britney, this is for you:

Listen up, bee-otch!
You know she sex me, when she looks my way
I can’t defend me, all I can do is pray
For her to spare me, from that sweet death ray
But the bitch really wants to take a roll in the hay
So I say, “Britney, baby let’s just slow it on down,
You know that you and me could take a spin around town
Just hop into my rover, roll the window down”

Yo it’s a west side night, and I’m feelin alright
Got Britney down my pants and my gin and sprite
Yo it’s a west side night, and I’m feelin alright
Got Britney down my pants and my gin and sprite

And so we’re mackin, at every mother f-in light,
And I say “Chill bitch, I got some business tonight”
And then I see them, in the opposite lane,
That carload of chumps’ll know the meaning of pain

Yo it’s a west side night and I’m feelin alright,
Got Britney in my pants and my gin and sprite

So bang bang bang goes my Gat into the car,
That’s hit number six this week so far,
I know the names, the dirty games,
But tonight their evil will go up in flames

Yo it’s a west side hit, I got my Mack 10 lit,
Britney get down, you don’t wanna see this sh…
Yo it’s a west side hit, I got my Mack 10 lit,
Britney get down, you don’t wanna see this sh…

Some be dyin, some be fryin,
and too much circumstance then you’ll be crying,
so don’t be cryin’, and I’m just dyin’
And as this bitch blows up they will be flyin’,

Yo it’s a west side hit, I got my Mack 10 lit,
Britney get down, you don’t wanna see this sh…

Britney Spears is just laughing as we drive away,
And I know tonight I’m gonna get some play
But if she tries to make me stay, she can go to hell,
I got another f-ing date tonight with Sarah Michelle!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Colin Quinn: Chris Parnell, everyone.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears

America’s Worst Moments

Spokesman…..Chris Parnell

[ show image of INS agent pointing gun at Elian Gonzalez in the closet ]

Spokesman: Elian Gonzalez. The young, innocent refugee whose incredible saga ended with one of the most memorable and horrifying scenes in recent history. Whether you blame the government, the protesters, or Elian’s relatives, we all agree that this final image is simpy awful.

[ show the Elian image on a plate ]

And now, you can own it, on your very own commemorative plate! It’s Elain Under Duress, part of the brand new America’s Worst Moments commemorative plates series from Zelman Collectibles. For just $129, a new plate will arrive at your door monthly, each depicting one of the most embarrassing events in our nation’s history.

You’ll get the Iran-Contra Scandal plate, beautiful McCarthy Hearings plate, the Clarence Thomas Coke Can plate, and of course the Reform Party plate.

These are the moments every American is ashamed of. And what better way to remember our shame, than by displaying it proudly in your own home on fine, imported porcelain. But the America’s Worst Moments series isn’t limited to politics. You’ll also get plaes that recall these terrible events: Woodstock ’99, Marisa Tomei’s Academy Award, Dennis Rodman’s Crossdressing Phase, That Cher Video on the Navy Ship, Andrew “Dice” Clay, Roseanne Singing the National Anthem, and many, many more.

This collection simply can’t be missed. You may cancel at any time, and the Elian Under Duress plate is yours to keep. Call today, and bring America’s most humiliating failures into your living room.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears

Britney Spears’ Monologue

…..Britney Spears

Britney Spears: Thank you, thank you very much. You know, it is so cool to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” because I happen to be a very big fan of this show. And now that I’m here, I think this is a perfect place for me to clear up some crazy, crazy rumors that I keep hearing about myself. Like that I can’t perform without lip-synching, okay, which is not true. See, when I went on the Grammy awards, and sang “Baby One More Time”..

[ an obviously pre-recorded voice counters the movement of her lips ]

Voiceover: ..I mean, I had some backup singers doing the harmonies, but I sang all the lead vocals live. It wasn’t on tape. I mean, I’ve been performing in front of live audiences since I was six. I don’t need to fake it.

[ Britney’s live voice resumes the rest of the monologue ]

Britney Spears: Hmm, let me see.. oh yeah.. there’s one more. The one about my boobs being fake. That is just ridiculous! [ fake boobs in shirt start to move around ] I mean, come on! I’m 18, and I’m still growing, you know? [ looks down at her chest, notices her boobs are moving around – they quickly stop ] Anyway, we’ve got a great show for you, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

[ fake breasts continue to move, until monologue fades out ]

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears

Morning Latte

Tom Wilkins…..Will Ferrell
Cass Van Rye…..Cheri Oteri
Dawn Paslowsky…..Britney Spears

Tom Wilkins: Woo! Good morning! I’m Tom Wilkins!

Cass van Rye: I’m Cass Van Rye! Hey! How hot is it?

Tom Wilkins: Unbearable!

Cass van Rye: How hot is it?

Tom Wilkins: Unbearable!

Cass van Rye: How hot is it?

Tom Wilkins: Unbearable! Geez! Has anyone heard from Spring?

Cass van Rye: Hey Janet Reno, did you stick a gun in Spring’s face and force it back to Cuba, too? There! I said it!

Tom Wilkins: She said it! Summer just showed up out of nowhere! It’s like a visit from you, Cass – unannounced and uncomfortable.

Cass van Rye: And the Latte is without air conditioning! What gives? The change in the temperature is giving me laryngitis.

Tom Wilkins: Kinda nice, it’s kinda nice.

Cass van Rye: Hey, what’s the deal with the AC, fellas? Did it break?

Tom Wilkins: No, actually I heard that the station refused to pay the bill because we are the lowest rated show on television. [ pause ] And that includes cable.

Cass van Rye: Here’s Ainsley Harriot.. [ motions with hands ] ..and here’s us. Not good.

Tom and Cass: No..not good.

Cass van Rye: Man, I’m sweating like a prostitute in church.

Tom Wilkins: Speaking of church, we lost a good one this week – Cardinal Carol O’Conner. He will be missed. Let’s have a moment of silence for him

[ both bow heads ]

Cass van Rye: [ raises head before even a beat ] Hey did you see “Gladiator”?

Tom Wilkins: No, no, but I heard about it. What’s it about?

Cass van Rye: It was about gladiators in ancient Roman times, and that’s fine, that’s fine, but this is what’s giving me a red rump – I’ve been to the Colliseum, gang, and it does not look like that! It’s a mess! Half of it’s down! (she motions)

Tom Wilkins: Half of it’s down! I’ve seen pictures! I think they should just tear the whole thing down! Do something with that land!

Cass van Rye: Come on!

Tom Wilkins: Build a Coconut Records, a Pizza Hut, I don’t know! Do something with that land!

Cass van Rye: Get on the stick!

Tom Wilkins: Hey, speaking of historical epics, catch “Viva Rock Vegas”

Cass van Rye: Oooh, the Flintstones sequel! Yea yea!

Tom Wilkins: I’m telling you! Not only was it funny, but you really felt like you were in prehistoric olden times.

Cass van Rye: Yeah..yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Or the Paleolithic Era. And by Paleolithic, I mean –

Cass van Rye: One who collects stamps. [ demonstrates ]

Tom Wilkins: No no, no – the Stone Age.

Cass van Rye: The Stone Age! [ acts out throwing stones ] Yeah!

Tom Wilkins: Stone Age, yeah.

Cass van Rye: You know what? I’ll tell ya, they can make a hundred Flintstones sequels and it won’t be enough.

Tom Wilkins: Won’t be enough. Keep ’em comin’!

[ they repeat this a few times ]

Cass van Rye: Yabba Dabba Doo!

Tom Wilkins: Yeah! It’s hot! Yeah! It’s hot!

Cass van Rye: Yeah! It’s hot!

Tom Wilkins: Hey, let’s bring out our first guest! Yeah, this young woman wrote a tell-all book about the seedy, corrupt underbelly of the new Mickey Mouse Club TV show. Yeah!

Cass van Rye: Tom, you know, I actually opened this book, and you know that I don’t care for books.

Tom Wilkins: No, you don’t.. no.. anyone who watched the show knew stuff was goin’ down.

Cass van Rye: Please welcome the author of “Mousetrap” – Dawn Paslowsky.

[ Dawn walks in ]

Cass van Rye: Hi Dawn.

Dawn Paslowsky: What up, yo?

Cass van Rye: Alright.. now, Dawn, now I believe that people should be judged solely based on their appearance. And I’m gonna tell you, I think you look very tough and hard.

Tom Wilkins: I’m with Cass, I’m scared right now.

Cass van Rye: Please don’t cut me! [ motions ]

Dawn Paslowsky: You know, you can chill. I only cut people if they get all up in my face, in my business, so you can chill (sounds more like “chee-o”)

Tom Wilkins: Fair Enough. Alright. Now Dawn, you were a Mouseketeer for only 4 days. What the heck happened?

Dawn Paslowsky: Yo, Disney is Wack! I mean, they made me cover my tattoos, take out my piercins, and they tried to confiscate my box cutter. They tried to turn me into somethin’ I aint, and I don’t front. I don’t front.

Tom Wilkins: She does not front, so don’t ask her.

Dawn Paslowsky: See, and from the beginning, I knew they was out to get me, and I don’t play like that. I don’t front.

Cass van Rye: Gang, she’s putting the foot down on the fronting.

Tom Wilkins: Hey, I understand from Chapter 12 of your book, entitled, “Another Time I Was Mad”, that you were confronted by fellow Mouseketeer 11-year-old Britney Spears. What happened?

Dawn Paslowsky: See, Britney Spears was a stuck up playa hayta. She was always showin’ up on time, knowin’ her lines, and showerin’ and stuff, and she stole all my dope moves like this one. [ demonstrates ] And I invented that one in ’91, when I was 8, a-ight? I ain’t shady.

Cass van Rye: Ok, she aint shady and she doesn’t front. [ motioning with hands again ]

Tom Wilkins: Yeah.. yeah I heard her.

Cass van Rye: She said she.. [ turns to Tom ] ..ain’t shady…

Tom Wilkins: I heard her. [ pushes her face back toward Dawn ] Turn around.

Cass van Rye: Dawn, tell us – what was the final nail in the Camel’s back for you?

Dawn Paslowsky: Huh?

Tom Wilkins: No,no, Cass. What was the final straw the broke the coffin?

Dawn Paslowsky: it goes like this – Britney started sniffin’ ’round my man Justin Timberlake and –

Cass van Rye: Ooh, Justin who was also a Mouseketeer – also a Mouseketeer, but is currently in the speed metal trio *NSYNC. Check ’em out! Check ’em out!

Tom Wilkins: Check ’em out!

Dawn Paslowsky: I mean, I told her to step off and she was like, “What?” and I was like, “No, you don’t” and she was like, “Huh?” and I was like, “Uh-uh” and and then I set her hair on fire. You see her hair now? She’s wearin’ a wig.

Cass van Rye: Ooh, Dawn is one tough cookie!

Tom Wilkins: She’s like a pit bull!

Cass van Rye: Tough Cookie!

Tom Wilkins: Like a pit bull!

Cass van Rye: Tough Cookie! Like PM Dawn!

Tom Wilkins: Red Dawn!

Cass van Rye: Yeah, Dawn cuts the grease!

Tom Wilkins: Here comes confrontation.. [ raises his hand next to Cass’ head ] ..and here comes Dawn. [ smacks hand into other hand, and also into Cass’ head ]

Dawn Paslowsky: I just represent, yo. I just represent.

Cass van Rye: You know who doesn’t represent? Our network! It is HOT!

Tom Wilkins: Hot! Yeah!

Cass van Rye: Come on gang! It’s hot!

Tom Wilkins: And you know what? It’s going to get hotter, because, coming up next, Mr. Peabo Bryson!

Cass van Rye: [ puts hand over heart ] Ohh!

Tom Wilkins: If he hasn’t melted backstage.

Cass van Rye: Oh, I love that man.

Dawn Paslowsky: Damn, it is hot in here. [ checks pits ]

Tom Wilkins: Hey, if you wouldn’t mind, teach us that move again when you touch yourself, yeah!

Cass van Rye: I wanna be down with the bitches.

[ they dance to fade ]

Submitted by: Kim Pyfer

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears

Guiliani’s Press Conference

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Thank you all for coming. As you know, this has been a chaotic time, it’s been a difficult time for me. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer, which, I guess, is the closest I’ll ever come to playing for the Yankees! [ laughs ] But I’m confident about my recovery. I’ve got a team of doctors who are gonna get in there and really treat my rectum like it’s Time Square. That’s right – we’re gonna clean it up, we’re gonna get the bad element out, we’re gonna make it a healthy place, safe for families to visit. Now, earlier this week, I surprised my wife with an early Mother’s Day gift by announcing our seperation. I prefer to spend time with my good friend, Judith Nathan. And to my critics, who accuse me of leaving my wife for a younger, more beautiful woman: I assure you, Judith Nathan is 46 and not that good looking. Now, you can see that, with all that is going on in my private life, politics is not my top priority. In fact, these are my top priorities:

#1. Fix my prostate.

#2. Hang out at cigar bars with my new lady.

#3. Blindside my wife with an announcement about the fate of our family.

#4. Root hard for the Yankees!

#5. Get my cops to stop shooting all the black people.

[ laughs ] I’m here to decide whether I will remain in the Senate race. But I wish to thank everyone for their outpouring of support – even my opponent, Hillary Clinton, has been extremely supportive. In fact, she has asked to say a few words on my behalf. Hillary?

[ Hillary Clinton steps up to the podium ]

Hillary Clinton: Good afternoon, fellow New Yorkers. I stand behind Rudy’s decision to prioritize his private life. These.. things.. happen! People work long hours together, attachments are made, indescretions happen – repeatedly. Marital infidelity strikes in over 50% in American households, and over 97% of political households. Just look at Newt Gingrich.. John McCain.. Bob Packwood.. Clarence Thomas.. Chuck Robb.. Dick Morris.. Gary Hart.. Henry Cisneros.. that guy before Dennis Hastert.. and of course, the one that brought me great personal anguish – Henry Hyde. Rudy is merely joining the ranks of these great men. Men in politics who have a lot of great charism and charm. They can’t help it if women are drawn to them – or so I’ve been told.. repeatedly. Now, if I might offer a few words of advice to Rudy’s wife, Donna Hanover, to ease the pain: take some time for you. Have a facial, lunch with friends, run for Senate.. and most important, if by chance you run into your husband’s girlfriend on the street, look her straight in her fat little face, and in a quiet, calm voice, say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears

Goodnights

…..Britney Spears

Britney Spears: I want to say a very special thanks to Sarah Michelle Gellar – the cast, for making me feel so comfortable – and everyone for coming out. Thank you, guys!

SNL Transcripts