SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Wedding Singers

Groom…..Joshua Jackson
Wedding Singer #1…..Will Ferrell
Wedding Singer #2…..Horatio Sanz
Bride…..Molly Shannon

Groom: [hitting glass to propose toast] Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention please. First of all, I would just like to take the time to sincerely thank everyone for coming today. But, before we go any further, I would like to give a toast to my beautiful, beautiful wife Denise. [applauding by guests] Honey, its hard to believe we only met three years ago.

Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…

Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.

Groom: Guys, guys, guys

Wedding Singer #1: Sorry, way too early

Wedding Singer #2: Our bad, sorry about that

Wedding Singer #1: Sorry, man

Groom: Anyway, Denise, when I look back at the three years we’ve known each other, I realize that I am the luckiest guy in the world.

Bride: Awww, sweetie

Groom: In fact–

Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…

Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.

Wedding Singer #1: I know, too early again, sorry.

Wedding Singer #2: A little trigger happy, we’ll get it.

Wedding Singer #1: We’ll get it.

Groom: As I was saying honey–

Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…

Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.

Groom: OH, C’MON! Did you listen to anything I said? I mean really, when to come in, any of that?

Bride: Honey, did you actually pick that song, because you know that’s really not our song.

Groom: No, of course I didn’t. Guys, you were supposed to play the Louie Armstrong song.

Wedding Singer #1: Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wedding Singer #2: No way man, no way man.

Wedding Singer #1: Listen, you told us very clearly over the phone that you wanted I Just, in parentheses, Died in Your Arms Tonight, by the Cutting Crew, and I will take that to the GRAVE with me!

Groom: Honey, I didn’t pick that song. Why would I pick that song?

Wedding Singer #2: Well, it doesn’t matter what ya say, because I wrote it down on a piece of paper.

Wedding Singer #1: Yes, he did, which he is getting now. And you will be very sorry, he has it.

Wedding Singer #2: Here it is.

Wedding Singer #1: Very sorry, indeed.

Wedding Singer #2: Here we go.

Wedding Singer #1: Here we go.

Wedding Singer #2: [unfolds paper and reads:] “Peter Schenkel wedding”

Wedding Singer #1: I believe thats you, ok.

Wedding Singer #2: [continues reading:] “2:45 PM”, which is right about now, “please play Louie Armstrong song after I have completed my toast and cued you by saying, ‘Hit it guys’.”

Wedding Singer #1: We apologize, that’s not the way we like to do business. I’m sorry everyone had to see that.

Wedding Singer #2: Sorry ’bout that.

Groom: You know what, could you just play the Louie Armstrong song, and we’ll continue.

[awkward pause]

Wedding Singer #2: We don’t know it.

Wedding Singer #1: We just learned the Cutting Crew song.

Groom: Oh, You’ve got to be kidding me!

Wedding Singer #1: Hey, we messed up! We don’t know the song. Yelling at us is not gonna make us know it.

Wedding Singer #2: [angry] And let me let you in on a little somethin’. I have anger control problems! So, I suggest you grow up and learn some manners!

Groom: I paid you guys an extra 600 dollars to learn that song.

Wedding Singer #1: Fine, would it help if we gave the money back?

Groom: Yes, it would!

Wedding Singer #1: Cause we don’t have it!

Wedding Singer #2: Spent it, long time ago! We spent it a long, long time ago!

Wedding Singer #1: As soon as we got your check we blew it, hard!

Wedding Singer #2: Spent it, and blew it!

Groom: SHUT UP! YA KNOW, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE!

Wedding Singer #1: EVERYONE NEEDS TO SHUT UP!

Wedding Singer #2: SHUT UP!

Groom: YOU GUYS SHUT UP!

Wedding Singer #1: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Groom: YOU’VE RUINED MY WEDDING!

Bride: Honey, just sit down, and relax, and let them play the Cutting Crew song.

Wedding Singer #2: BEST IDEA I HEARD ALL DAY!

Groom: Fine, ok, yeah, fine. That’s great. You guys go crazy.

Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…

Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.

[awkward pause]

Wedding Singer #1: That’s it, that’s all we know.

Wedding Singer #2: Sorry, dude.

[Groom jumps over table to attack singers, as they escape.]

Submitted by: Ben Brophy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Newsmen Phone Chat

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Bernard Shaw…..Tim Meadows
…..Molly Shannon

[ open on exterior, Ted Koppel’s townhouse, evening, as his phone rings ]

[ dissolve to interior, Ted’s bathroom, where he sits in a relaxing bubble bath ]

Ted Koppel: [ shakes bubbles off his hand, then answers the phone ] Hello. Ted Koppel here. [ his tug of the receiver knocks the rest of the phone to the floor ]

[ split-screen to reveal Ted on the left, Tom Brokaw seated in his study on the right ]

Tom Brokaw: What’s up, Ted? It’s me, Tom Brokaw.

Ted Koppel: [ imitating the Budweiser commercials ] Whasssup?!

Tom Brokaw: Whassupp?!

Ted Koppel: Whasssup?!

Tom Brokaw: Whassupp?! [ pauses, sighs ] Well.. the primaries are over.

Ted Koppel: Ah, it looks like Bush and Gore, don’t it?

Tom Brokaw: Yes, it does – Bush and Gore. Gore and Bush. Three more months. We are screwed!

Ted Koppel: Royally, my friend. Royally. We are facing eight months of a news drought, the likes of which we’ve never seen.

Tom Brokaw: Well, at least you can put Cokie Roberts in your seat and claim you’re on “vacation.” I got no way out – the ratings are gonna plummet.

Ted Koppel: Hey, don’t you think I know that. I can barely look at those two any more. I mean, they really put me off my eggs, Tom! I swear to God, Al Gore’s head looks like a pressed ham! I’m not kidding. And how about that weasely little mouth on George Bush? Looks like a tear in a vinyl hemmorhoid cushion.

Tom Brokaw: I’m scared, Ted. For the firsttime in my life, I’m really scared.

Ted Koppel: Tom, I’m not freakin’ Sly Stallone over here, either. Face it – it’s Gore.. and it’s Bush.

Tom Brokaw: Good God! We are TOAST!! Game over, man! GAME OVER!!

Ted Koppel: Oh, man. You know, at least we only have to do a half-hour a day. The guys at CNN are crappin’ in their drawers.

Tom Brokaw: You know it! Hey, hold on – let me call my buddy, Bernard Shaw on three-way. I’m gonna put you on hold for a sec.

Ted Koppel: Alright.

[ cut to single-screen shot of Tom as he dials the third line ]

[ cut to split-screen to reveal Bernard Shaw answering his cell phone on the left, Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” starting up in the background ]

Bernard Shaw: Hello.

Tom Brokaw: Bernard. It’s the Bro-man. Whassupp?!

Bernard Shaw: Whassssupp?! [ a beat ] I’m just watching “Money Line” and havin’ a buzz. Whassup with you?

Tom Brokaw: Ah, you know – same old, same old. I got Koppel on the line.

Bernard Shaw: Yeah? Put that ol’ fathead on!

[ single-screen of Tom pressing his phone buttons ]

Tom Brokaw: Hey, Ted. I got Bernard Shaw on the line.

[ cut to triple split-screen of Ted on the left, Tom in the middle, Bernard on the right rolling a doobie ]

Ted Koppel: Hey, Bernard. I guess you guys over there CNN must be pretty mad over this whole Bush-Gore thing.

Bernard Shaw: No, not really. You know how it is over here on cable. [ licks his doobie paper ]

Tom Brokaw: Dammit, Shaw-shank! How can you be so relaxed?! Watching this election go down without McCain, is like watching porno with your hands tied behind your back. Not fun at all!

Ted Koppel: Yeah – these guys make George, Sr. and Dukakis look like a biker orgy!

Bernard Shaw: [ chuckles ] Hey, guys, take it easy, alright? I suggest you sit back, put on some tunes, and light up a fattie. [ smokes his homemade joint, as a scantily-clad Molly Shannon pounces onto his bed with champagne glasses ] Ohhh, hey! Thanks, Sugar.

Molly Shannon: Here you go. Who are you on the phone with?

Bernard Shaw: Oh, I’m talking to Ted Koppel and Brokaw. [ into the phone ] Look, fellas, what can we do? It’s Gore by 10% in November.

Tom Brokaw: Uh, Bernard – did we call you at a bad time?

Bernard Shaw: [ laughs ] No, it’s cool! I’m just relaxin’ with m’lady!

Tom & Ted: Hello, Molly.

Molly Shannon: Hey, how you guys doin’? Sorry about the primaries.

Tom Brokaw: Well, it can’t be any easier for you and that bunch of cut-ups over at SNL.

Molly Shannon: Oh, you got that, right, Tom. No one cares about Bush and Gore. Besides, Darrell Hammond does a really lousy Al Gore!

Ted Koppel: [ defensive ] Whoa-oh! Well, I, for one, don’t think it’s so bad, Molly Shannon.

Tom Brokaw: Hey, guys, I’ve got an idea: why don’t we all agree to really take hold of the issues? Get out there and do some investigative reporting. Old-fashioned news. SCREW the ratings!!

[ all three men laugh joyously ]

Everyone: “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Joshua Jackson’s Monologue

…..Joshua Jackson

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen – Joshua Jackson!

Joshua Jackson: I’ve gotta say, it is great to be here in New York City! My name is Joshua Jackson, I play Pacey on the show “Dawson’s Creek”, in case you didn’t know.

Now, if you are a teenage girl, I’m fairly confident you’ve heard of me, and also, the musical guest, N*Sync. And, if you’re the parent of a teenage girl, you might vaguely know who I am. And, if you’re a man in his forties who doesn’t have kids but still volunteers to coach Little League.. you definitely know who I am, and, please, please, stop sending me letters.

Okay, but I really want to talk to people who aren’t familiar with my work or N*Sync, and I just want to say to them – we’re gonna do a great show, just give us a chance! Especially you hipsters in your mid-twenties, who think you’re too cool to watch tonight’s show. I mean, come on, get off your high horse, okay? I mean, think back, ten years ago, how excited you would have been if Jason Priestly and Color Me Badd would have been on the show – you loved it! And that’s what this is like!

And, if you’re in your thirties, think back fifteen years ago – it’s like if Kirk Cameron hosted and Frankie Goes To Hollywood was the musical guest. I know that doesn’t sound god, but, for some reason, in the mid-eighties, it was.

And, if you were a teenager when the show first started, think how you felt when you found out that John Travolta and ABBA were on the show, right? That sounds like a great show, but it never happened! That’s just how you remembered it. Because you always remember this stuff as better than it was. This is the show they actually had:

[ cut to fake footage of the 1978 season opening montage ]

Don Pardo V/O: Tonight’s musical guest: Foghat. And your host: Epstein, from “Welcome Back, Kotter”.

[ cut back to Joshua Jackson’s monologue ]

Joshua Jackson: And that was a great show! And that’s what I’m trying to tell you people! We have a great show tonight – *NSYNC is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Goodnights

…..Joshua Jackson

Joshua Jackson: I’d like to say thanks to *NSYNC! And Badal Roy! [ audience cheers ] Happy birthday, Rob Cohen! And hi to all the guys out at North Carolina! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Let’s Talk Books

Moderator…..Will Ferrell
Karen Holsbrook…..Ana Gasteyer
Kevin Henchey…..Joshua Jackson
Professor Carl Lenz…..Tim Meadows

Moderator: Welcome to “Let’s Talk Books”. Homer, Dante, Shakespeare.The great canon of world literature. Is it still worth teaching on collegecampuses in this age of multiculturalism? Or is it time we open thecurriculum to other kinds of literature? With me, here to discuss thechanging politics behiund curriculum in our colleges – from TempleUniversity, Karen Holsbrook; Kevin Henchey, a frequent contributor toThe Nation; and joining us from Yale University, Professor Carl Lenz.Welcome, all of you. Um.. Professor Holsbrook, I want to start with you.Let’s say I have a child entering college next Fall. Will he be readingShakespeare?

Karen Holsbrook: [ light laugh ] I certainly hope so. No one’sarguing that we throw out the great writers. But, clearly, it’s time thatwe open the door to other writers who are not often associated with the”great” works.

Moderator: Like, Zora Neil Herston, or Toni Morrison?

Karen Holsbrook: Mmm hmm. Also, Ida Paxton Freely..

Moderator: I’m sorry? I’m not familiar with her work..

Karen Holsbrook: The Yellow River? By I.P. Freely?

Moderator: Oh. Of course. I.P. Freely. Didn’t she also writeLights Out at the Boys School?

Kevin Henchey: [ interrupting ] No, no.. Lights Out at the BoysSchool was written by a husband-and-wife team – Holden & Sharon Dix.

Moderator: Ah. Holden and Sharon Dix. I always confuse them withthe East German writer – Lotta Cox. But are these the kind ofwriters we’re talking about? Dix? Cox?

Karen Holsbrook: I’m glad you mentioned Lotta Cox. The Diary ofa Hooker would make any new list of great nooks.

Kevin Henchey: Oh, I agree. But you might also include Through aBrown, Darkly, by Ilene Dover on that list. But something we reallyhaven’t hit upon is the relunctance to include Asian literature in thisargument. I don’t know how you could overlook one of the greats of theWest – Stain on the Great Wall, by Hoo Flung Poo. Or, of course,there’s always How to Make $30, by Chu Sum Wang.

Moderator: Okay. Well, that really is the meat of the matter. Dowe include Chu Sum Wang? Professor Lenz, I see you’re shaking your head.

Professor Carl Lenz: No, I mean, that’s just it. You can’t includeeverything. I mean, do we need Homosexuality in Irish Culture, byMichael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael? I don’t think so. Last weekI asked my students what they wanted to read, and it was Shakespeare. NotThe Tiger’s Revenge, by some obscure French author.

Kevin Henchey: [ helping ] Claude Balls.

Professor Carl Lenz: What?

Kevin Henchey: You’re referring to The Tiger’s Revenge, byClaude Balls. An excellent writer on par with Dick Gosinia, or the Greekwriter, Harry Paratesties.

Karen Holsbrook: Paratesties is certainly on par with Ballsor Cox. Absolutely. Now, I read a scathing indictment of drugs andprofessional sports, called Under the Bleachers, by Seymour Butz.

Kevin Henchey: Exactly. I think it’s really non-fiction like thisthat we need to be looking at. I taught a seminar at Duke University,where we read Richard Sawyer and Alan Bush’s fascinating study of voyeurism..

Karen Holsbrook: Mmm hmm. The Sawyer-Bush Report.

Kevin Henchey: Yes. Yes. And, from there, we segue-wayed into aninteresting report on the Stonewall Riots, authored by Harrison Butz andRandall Dixon.

Moderator: Oh, I love Dixon-Butz.

Professor Carl Lenz: We all love Dixon-Butz. But does thatmean we should grant them immediate status in the pantheon of greatliterature? I mean, what happens to Charles Dickins or Andre de Balsac?

Kevin Henchey: Oh, who cares? Really, truly? I prefer Dixon-Butzto Balsac. I mean, who wants Balsac shoved in your face?

Moderator: Actually, if truth be told, I can’t think of nothing I’drather do on a cold, wintry night, than curl up with a leathery, musky oldBalsac. And I think we can all agree on that. [ everyone agrees ] Well,that’s about all the time we have here on “Let’s Talk Books”. Join us nextweek, when we’ll be discussing Venereal Disease & its Effects”, byMaya P. Burns and Dick Hertz.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 11th, 2000

Joshua Jackson

*NSYNC

None

Badal Roy

The Statler Brothers
Newsmen Phone ChatSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond), Tom Brokaw (Chris Parnell) and Bernard Shaw (Tim Meadows) express their dismay in the probability of a Bush and Gore election.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Tom Brokaw, Bernard Shaw.

Transcript

Montage

Joshua Jackson’s MonologueSummary: Joshua Jackson promises that tonight’s teen-based episode will one day become memorable in retrospect.

Transcript

Hamburger Helper AntibacterialNote: Repeat from 01/08/00.

Regis Co-Host AuditionsSummary: In the wake of Kathie Lee Gifford’s departure, Regis Philbin (Darrell Hammond) auditions for a new sidekick.

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Gellman, Star Jones, Barbara Walters, Donny Osmond.

Wedding SingersSummary: A pair of wedding singers just barely know one song: “(I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight).”

Transcript

On the Road with the BoysSummary: The members of 7 Degrees Celsius meet their biggest fan (Joshua Jackson).

Recurring Characters: Emily De La Cruz, Sara Therese Longo, Jeph, Samm, Wade, Sweet T, Peter Tanner.

Lez It upSummary: When a group of frat boys make a wish for lesbians, the results are not the wild event they expected.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Writer Kevin Brennan lists the differences between presidential frontrunners George W. Bush and Al Gore.

Transcript

*NSYNC performs “Bye Bye Bye”

Let’s Talk BooksSummary: Panelists discuss a list of bestsellers that are comprised of books with naughty title and author combinations.

Transcript

Collette ReardonSummary: Pill-popping Collette Reardon (Cheri Oteri) visits her nephew’s (Joshua Jackson) prep school.

Recurring Characters: Collette Reardon.

Neil Armstrong: The Ohio YearsSummary: In a film by Adam McKay, Neil Armstrong is obsessed with the memory of walking on the moon.

*NSYNC performs “I Thought She Knew”

Three-Way CoupleSummary: Warren Kirney (Chris Parnell) asks the yardboy (Joshua Jackson) to join him and Fran (Ana Gasteyer) in a three-way.

Recurring Characters: Warren Kirney, Fran Kirney.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

The Zimmermans

Josh Zimmerman…..Chris Kattan
Laura Zimmerman…..Cheri Oteri
Ari…..Ben Affleck
Sales Represenative…..Horatio Sanz

[Josh and Laura walk into a car dealership talking about a Camry they had just looked at when they spot a red convertable they like….]

Laura: I like the camry honey. I really like the camry.

Josh: I know you do..

Laura: I like— oh honey, look at this one [looking at a red convertable], it’s a convertable!

Ari: (comes in talking with a middle Eastern accent) Oh wait a minute, hello! Mine eyes do see the glory of a pretty lady with excellent taste in pre-deals! [Everyone laughs] That a joke. My name is Ari.

Laura: Hi Ari!

Josh: Hello!

Ari: I am the second assistant junior vice sales rep for Kashegan Motors. Welcome! Welcome! This is my place!

Josh: I’m Josh Zimmerman and this is my wife Laura.

Ari: Hi! Welcome Welcome!

Laura: Ari, I have to tell you, I think this car is absolutely stunning. I really do!

Ari: Well, I’ll have to telly ou something sister, you have a good eye! She is the calssics, very limited, 1988 Chysler Le Baron. Only 15 million made.

Josh: Really? Only 15 million [meanwhile Laura walks over to the hood of the car examining it]

Ari: Yep, very exclusive. And the other thing is, shes got a nice tight compact little body. You know bro? [slaps Josh on the back]

Josh: [looking at Laura] You can say that again.

Ari: [confused] What?

Laura: [looking at the car’s hood] I like that.

Josh: [coming up behind Laura] Shes got a nice…

Laura: [looking turned on] Oh!

Josh: tight…

Laura: [barely able to control herself] Don’t!

Josh: Compact….

Laura: [gasping while turning around] Shut your mouth!

Josh: BODY!

Laura: [gasps loudly] You bastard! Come here![she lays on the hood of the car and pulls Josh on top of her and the continue to go at it]

Ari: [astounded by what he has seen] Bro! Hey homeys! Alright, I think the car is getting jealous! [Everyone laughs]

Laura: [laughing] The car’s getting jealous!

Josh: Very funny!

Laura: He’s like a middle Eastern Paul Reiser!

Josh: But younger!

Laura: Yeah!

Ari: Thats cool! Thats cool! Im Arminian but don’t worry about it. I have to tell you homey, boy, this baby is loaded with extras! Comes complete full of everything! I tell you, you take car now, buy it! It’s good! One speaker, mono, A.M. stereo. BOOM! BANG! DEAD! DONE! And unlike most modern version models, this not going to bog you down with air conditioning!

Josh: Right, right!

Laura: [looking at the inside of the car] Can I get in?

Ari: Yeah sure! [patting the interior of the seat] By the way, this is the finest in Barithian leather.

Laura: Oh, barithina, honey! Oh honey, you have to put your hands on this seat!

Josh: [standing behind Laura rubbing the seat] Oh yeah, that is nice!

Laura: [rubbing the seat] You like the way that seat feels?

Josh: Yeah!

Laura: What do yyou want to do with it? What do you want to do with the seat? [grinding up against Josh] What do you wanna do?

Josh: What do you want me to do? You want me to f—–(not finishing the word)

Laura: Oh, I want you to f—

Josh: Yeah! Tell me you want me to f—!

Laura: Oh I want you to f—-(at this point both are in car and Josh is grinding his hips into the back of Laura)

Josh: Tell me you want me, you want me to f—!

Laura: [sounding aroused] Oh yeah! I want you to f—-!

Josh: Yeah! I’m gonna…[car horn honks while his mouth is moving] SO HARD!!! You watch me…[once again, the car horn beeps while he is talking]

Laura: [Oh yeah? Well you better…[car horn beigns honking as she is talking] until I can’t walk!!

Josh: Oh![bends Laura over the windshield of the car adn they go at it]

Ari: Hey bro! Bro, bro-heim! Homey! We don’t, we don’t do that here! That not good. Maybe you should get a room, you know Motel 6 take polaroid or something, get naked—

Laura: [interuptting] Hey noe! What the– Come on noe! That was not neccesary!

Josh: [yelling] Hey potty mouth! Why don’t you sell us a car huh?!

Laura: Not neccessary!

Josh: yeah, not neccesarry!

Ari: Okay. I apologize bro-heim. It’s cool. I just thought that, you know, it was… Ah, nevermind! Oh, look at this, this a convertable top, that means it goes up and down! And you can have some cool Hollywood fun in this one baby!

Josh: Hollywood fun, huh?

Ari: It has cruising control and the windshield wipers work! They go back and forth. And just because we are home snakes, I throw in free, complimentary windshield wiper fluid. Right now I do it for free, but 24 hours forget it! [now Laura is in the driver’s seat and Josh is in the passenger seat]

Josh: Laura turn the wipers on! I want to see them work!

Laura: Well, I’m looking for thing that turns it on but I can’t find it.

Josh: You want to find the windshield wiper button for you?

Laura: Baby, if I can’t find it, you certainly can’t.

Josh: Honey?

Laura: What?

Josh: Just relax and let me try to find it.

Laura: [throwing her hands in defeat] Ok, go.

Josh: [bends down, from the camara’s point of view it looks like his face is in between her legs and he makes a noise] Is that it?

Laura: [in a bored tone] No.

Josh: [makes another noise] That?

Laura: No.

Josh: [continues to work] That?

Laura: [suddenly her attention is jump started!] Oh! You’re getting closer!

Josh: Yeah?

Laura: Yeah! Keep workin! Just keep workin dadddy!

Josh: That it?

Laura: Keep workin daddy! Just keep workin![Josh continues to work] Oh yeah! Momma likes! Momma likes!

Ari: Hey homey I’ll show you! Its right here [points to a button]

Josh: [shooting up] Hey I know how to drive okay?

Laura: [grabs his hair] Don’t you stop looking until you find it you bastard! Keep looking! [pushes him down] Thats it! Thats it! Oh yeah!! [shes barely able to control herself] YES! YES! THATS IT![stands up in the seat and wiper fluid sprays all over her face] Wipers work!

Josh: Wipers work!

Ari: Bro, bro-heim. I think you just sold ME this car! [everyone laughs]

Laura: He’s like Gilbert Baudford!

Josh: Yeah, yeah, yeah! We should take this guy home, seriously!

Ari: I may like that, you never know!

Laura: I just thought of something. There’s only one problem with this car.

Ari: What? Oh no..!

Laura: No. I don’t know how to drive a stick.

Josh: [rubbing Laura’s arm] Honey, don’t worry about it, I’ll teach you.

Laura: [laughs sarcastically] You gonna teach me how to work that stick?[pushes Josh]

Josh: Hey watch it![Laura pulls his hair] watch the hair!

Laura: You gonna teach me how to work taht stick? Huh? [continutes to push him]

Josh: Yeah I might teach you that!

Laura: [slapping him] You gonna teach me how to work that stick?

Josh: I might teach you that1[slaps Laura] Oh! Sorry about that!

Laura: Thats alright!

Josh: don’t toucht aht stick!

Laura: Im gonna touch it!

Josh: DOn’t touch it!

Laura: Im gonna touch it!

Josh: Don’t touch that stick!

Laura: I’m gonna touch it! Im gonna touch that big hard stick!

Ari: [excited] LET HER TOUCH THE GOD-DAMN STICK BRO!

Laura: Uh-oh! Does Arry want me to put it in first[pushes him] Huh Ari? You want me to put it in first Arry?[tries to lick him]

Ari: Hey, whoa! If its okay wiht your old man, I don’t mind!

Laura: Don’t worry about him! You want me to put in drive Ari? [slaps him]

Ari: Oh, I like this! You bad girl [slaps her ass] You get in trouble! I give it to you!

Laura: I’m bad! I’m bad!

Ari: DOn’t pysch me up now girl!

Laura: you want me to put it in drive [slaps him]

Ari: Oh I like it!

Laura: Yeah! You want me to put it in drive?

Ari: Oh yeah baby!

Laura: [grabs his ears] Yeah, yeah1[grabs his shirt collar] Oh you, hot…

Ari: Yeah…..[becoming turned on]

Laura: Sweaty….[pulls him closer to her]

Ari: Yes…

Laura: Stinky [very close]

Ari: That’s me!

Laura: No ass [pulls him as close as she can]

Ari: That’s true…

Laura: Pig! [ she grinds up against him slightly while leaning in for a kiss]

Ari: OH MY GOD!!! You can touch my stick baby!! It’s like a baby’s arm [pulls down his pants to reveal his package and Laura screams]

Laura: Oh my God! Oh My GOD!!! HOney I saw it! It was awful, it was awful!

Josh: You sick son of a bitch! [runs out the car and chokes Ari] We come in here to buy a car and you show your little horn to my wife!!! [holding Laura while she is crying] I know honey. I know.

Laura: It was awful! [mean while another sales rep runs out of the office screaming at Ari]

Sales Rep: No more baby’s arm! You’re fired!

Ari: But its cool Hollywood swinging bro!

Sales Rep: FIRED!!!

Laura: [hugging the sales rep] I saw it! It was awful.

Sale Rep: I know, I know. I’m sorry.

Laura: Oh, you’re sorry? How sorry are you? [grinds her hips into his pelvis] Oh yeah, how sorry are you? [she slaps him]

[She continues to do this while the camera fades out.]

Submitted by: Katie

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
John McCain…..Chris Parnell
Alan Keyes…..Tim Meadows

Announcer: And now, from the news capitol of the world, it’s “Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.”

Colin Quinn: Hi, I’m Colin Quinn and here are today’s top stories.

George W. Bush got his campaign back on track with a victory over Arizona Senator John McCain in today’s South Carolina primary. Bush garnered 54 percent of the vote, prompting the ecstatic Texas Governor to declare, “I haven’t gotten grades like this since Yale!”

Political insiders believe George W. Bush’s victory today could set the tone for the campaign since South Carolina is always a good indication as to how the rest of the country will vote in 1850.

Colin Quinn: And so, with over 91% of the precincts reporting in South Carolina, it does appear that George W. Bush has beaten challenger Senator John McCain by a 13% margin. As part of our continuing campaign coverage, we go now, live, to Bush Campaign Headquarters in Charleston, where the Texas Governor is preparing to speak.

[ cut to Bush Campaign Headquarters ]

George W. Bush: Woo! I won! By 13%. That’s a lot, right? That’s like half a pie! Right? But, seriously.. this is not fun. I wish my daddy would just tell me when I get to be president, ’cause it’s just too hard fighting John McCain all across all these 52 states. He’s mean! Isn’t there just someone that could tell him that I get to be President? He know this thing’s rigged, right? Right?

[ cut back to Colin Quinn in the studio ]

Colin Quinn: There you have it. The winner, George W. Bush, addressing his supporters in Charleston, South Carolina. Let’s turn now to John McCain’s headquarters, where I’m being told the Senator is about to concede.

[ cut to McCain Campaign Headquarters ]

John McCain: Thank you. I just put in a call to Governor Bush, conceding his victory here in South Carolina. [ supporters boo ] No, no.. We fought a hard battle, and I thought we learned a lot here. For instance, I do regret having gone negative against Governor Bush, and it probably didn’t help that I told a New York Times reporter that I call Vietnamese people Gooks. But I do want to reiterate, when I said the word “Gook” I was on my campaign bus, the Straight Talk Express. And you gotta remember, the Straight Talk Express is for telling the truth, and that truth can be embarrassing sometimes. For example, just the other day I was on the Straight Talk Express, and I said, “I’ve seen the movie ‘Ghost’ 20 times.” A little embarrassing, but that’s the Straight Talk Express. It’s a very special bus. I could say anything like, “I happen to like pretty ponies” or, “If I could get rid of anyone in this world, it would be the Gooks.” That’s the kind of shoot-from-the-hip you’ll get from me when I’m on the Straight Talk Express. So keep in mind, if you decide to drop by the Straight Talk Express, be prepared to hear the truth, and make sure you’re not a Gook, or I’ll strangle you. Thank you, and I’ll see you in Michigan!

[ cut back to Colin Quinn in the studio ]

Colin Quinn: That was Senator John McCain, conceding defeat in South Carolina tonight. Finally, we go to Alan Keyes’ headquarters, where the distant third-place finisher is expected to concede, or may even announce his withdrawal from the race. Let’s listen in.

[ cut to Keyes Campaign Headquarters ]

Alan Keyes: [ over his applause ] Thank you all, thank you! Thank you, Alan Keyes supporters, thank you! [ he raises a boombox and shuts off the pre-recorded applause ] As you all are undoubtedly aware, just a moment ago Senator John McCain graciously conceded defeat. And now, all that is left is the inevitable. I Alan Keyes.. must wait for George W. Bush to conced defeat as well! [ turns his applause ] Thank you! Thank you! [ shuts it off again ] While I have not yet recieved one vote, there is still 2% of precincts left to report, and I am confident I will win! Then it is on to Michigan, on to Super Tuesday, on to the White House and the Presidency of the United States! [ crickets can be heard ]

Offscreen Voice: Buddy, you gotta wrap up. We’re closing in, like, five minutes.

Alan Keyes: Yes. I am aware of that. Thank you. My fellow Americans, I have heard your voice. I have heard the clarion call.. [ the lights are turned off ] I’m not done yet!

Offscreen Voice: I gotta close up, buddy. Sorry.

Alan Keyes: This is absurd, I am a presidential candidate! [ the sound of crickets can be heard ] Say, listen, can you give me a ride to the bus station?

Offscreen Voice: No!

Alan Keyes: I shall walk, then! Thank you, South Carolina!

Colin Quinn: Our candidates, everybody.

Donald Trump’s announcement Monday that he will not vie for the Reform Party Presidential nomination has left the remaining candidates scrambling for that all-important elderly, casino slot machine addict vote.

On Monday, Democratic presidential hopefuls Al Gore and Bill Bradley will meet for a crucial debate in Harlem. One of the top issues to be covered: Which One of Them is Whiter?

The Virginia State Senate unanimously agreed Tuesday to honor Martin Luther King, Jr. alongside Confederate Generals, Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson, during a four-day weekend in January. The extra day off will allow time for residents to clean up after the riots.

Colin Quinn: I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

Trilocaine

Spokesman…..Ben Affleck

Spokesman: For years, I suffered from itchy, flaky scalp. I tried every product on the market. Then I heard about Trilocaine.

Announcer: Trilocaine. Prescription medication for serious scalp itch. Possible side effects include dry mouth, or loss of appetite. Some users may experience dizziness or nausea. And 90% of users experience an instantaneous and horrifying sleep-paralysis containing a bleak vision of mortality. If you’re one of those 90%, after taking Trilocaine, you’ll slip into unconsciousness and feel yourself stepping through a looking glass into a “not-world”. There, you’ll meet your identical twin. The doppleganger points at you and laughs, a chattering skull-like laugh, then turns into a screeching falcon and flies off towards the blood-red sun.

Suddenly, you’re on a viking ship, skimming across a lake of white-cold fire. You feel nothing. An emptiness, perhaps. Somewhere, a lone snow dog howls o’er the wintry plains. You try to scream, but blood pours from your mouth, coalescing into the form of a hideous infant smoking a long pipe. His rage is blinding. At last, you find yourself poised before two doors. One leads to eternal joy, the other to hellish misery. Choose correctly, and you’ll drift back to consciousness.. with a moist, itch-free scalp.

Another side effect is mild flatulence.

Ask your doctor about Trilocaine.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 13

99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

Victoria’s Secret

[ SUPER: “What is Desire? Victoria’s Secret asks Marisa’s Boobs.”

[ cut to close-up of Marisa’s boobs opening and closing as they speak ]

Marisa’s Boobs: What is desire? Desire is a mystery. Ah.. butall these desires, they are small..

Marisa’s Crotch: Desire!

Marisa’s Boobs: Shut up! It’s my commercial! Desire..

Announcer: The new voice of sexy, from Victoria’s Secret. For atranscript of this ad, visit our website at www.nicebooby.com.

SNL Transcripts