SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 18

98r: Cuba Gooding Jr. / Ricky Martin

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond
…..Jimmy Fallon

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Hi! I’m Colin Quinn. Thank you….Thank you, folks!

This week, Kosovo refugees were greeted by Hillary Clinton as they arrived at Fort Dix, New Jersey. Mrs. Clinton told the refugees that they will have, quote, “the full support” of her and her husband. Followed by, “Hey, where is my husband?” Then, “Has anyone seen my husband?” And finally, “Okay, where’d that gypsy slut with the D cups go?”

As they settled into their temporary quarters in New Jersey, the weary travelers all had the same question: “What’s that smell?” [applause and some cheers]…[mocking a cheering audience member] Ye-es, Jersey…

Yesterday, NATO jets accidentally bombed the Chinese Embassy in Belgrade. The bombing marks a setback for both the peace plan and for Al Gore’s fundraising efforts.

Yesterday they hit the Chinese Embassy; before that, cluster bombs on a hospital and a market; plus earlier this week, a bus. Gee guys, good publicity stunt for NATO! Good move! But you missed the orphanage full of nuns and kittens!…These guys have the aim of Ted Kennedy at a Bennigan’s urinal. [applause and cheers]

In a “60 Minutes” interview with Milosevic’s wife, Mirjana Markovic, she complained about the nickname the West has given her husband: “The Butcher of the Balkans.” She also said she didn’t think it was fair when they called Kenny Rogers “The Coward of the County.”

A jury yesterday ordered “The Jenny Jones Show” to pay 25 million dollars to the family of a gay man who was shot and killed by a guest on the show after he revealed he had a crush on him. In order to prevent this from happening again, the producers of the show have hired a new security guard. [photo of Hugh Hefner]…You know, if every guy went around killing guys who had crushes on them, I would’ve murdered Chris Kattan years ago.

Well, May is here, and it’s just a matter of days until they finally release The Phantom Menace. [photo of Amy Fisher; some applause]

Amy Fisher was granted parole this week after doing seven years in prison, and should be released sometime next week. Fisher says she looks forward to a productive life, and hopes to meet a special man, fall in love, and shoot his wife in the head. [some applause]

Question: what do you get when you cross Joey Buttafuoco with a college education? Answer: [photo of Bill Clinton; cheers and applause]…And you know he’s watching tonight! [cheers and applause]…Sittin’ home right now, watchin’ us…

A…after a meeting with the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic released the uh, three American prisoners of war after holding them captive for 32 days. Apparently, white guilt even works in Yugoslavia.

Not one to rest on his laurels, Jackson was in the Midwest this week, where he helped four tornado victims return to their home in Kansas. [doctored photo of The Wizard of Oz characters the Cowardly Lion, the Scarecrow, Dorothy, and the Tin Man featuring Jesse Jackson’s face on Glinda the Good Witch of the North; some applause and cheers]

Now…fresh from convincing Slobodan [looks to his left to see if his guest is there] Milo – Milosevic [chuckles]…to free the three American POWs, please welcome Reverend Jesse Jackson.

[pan over to Jesse]

Jesse Jackson: A-thank you…a-Colin. Let me say this, if you will. I went to Belgrade, not to embarrass our president, but to free those young men. I approached Milosevic with a handshake, not a hand grenade. I spoke to him with a cool head, not a warhead. I brought him a message of peace, not a message from an answering machine with a wacky tape you can buy through an ad on the television or a truck stop! We must not just choose sides, Colin! We must choose peace!

Colin: Now, many believe Milosevic is using you as a PR stunt to dissolve support for the NATO bombing mission.

Jesse: [after a pause] To that, Colin, I would say, let me quote you a passage, if I may, from the comic strip Momma…in which Momma has asked her son, who was in his late 20s, to move out of the house!…And he responds, “I would love to, Momma, if you would only get me the money…for me to do so.” Do you see the ridiculousness of that, Colin? That the boy would move out, only under the auspices of Momma’s generosity via financial means. But for Momma, this presents no solution at ALL! She did not bomb him, Colin….She did it to a brow-beatin’, nitpickin’, and rat-a-tat-tat. Also remind me of sifa-common-funk-a-wink-a-bean, settle on Sunday.

Colin: Uh, let me stop you ’cause I don’t know what you’re talking about, and…but I can’t figure out how you got the POWs released.

Jesse: Well, it’s very simple. W – we all have God inside of us, even Slobodan Milosevic. I reminded him of that — I told him, “I want to go with you to Alderaan, learn the ways of the Force. I want to become a Jedi like my father before me.”

Colin: Wait a minute! That’s from Star Wars.

Jesse: He doesn’t know that! [some applause]…That’s the best part of dealing with someone who doesn’t speak English! I dated a girl from another land once, and I used to quote B.J. Thomas to her. I would say, “Look, Lang-Chou…I can’t fight this feeling…deep inside of me. Girl, [clears throat]…you just don’t realize what you do to me. Ooga-chaka. Ooga-chaka….

Colin: Okay, that’s enough now!

Jesse: …Ooga-chaka….

Colin: Jesse Jackson, everybody! Jesse Jackson.

Jesse: …Ooga-chaka….Ooga-chaka.”

Colin: Chastity, one of the stars of World Championship Wrestling, has been found to be a former porno actress. In an interview, she said she never brought it up because, “What are the chances that a wrestling fan would also watch porno?”

A huge crowd gathered at the Vatican this week to watch Pope John Paul’s beatification of 20th century Italian monk Padre Pio. For those of you unfamiliar with Latin, “Padre Pio,” translated, means “Puff Daddy.”

Responding to a protest by the ACLU, a tablet from the Ten Commandments was taken down from in front of a Kansas municipal building because they felt government buildings shouldn’t contain religious messages. The tablet read, “Thou shalt not kill, Bingo Friday at 8:30.”

This week, the Tony Awards nominations were announced, and Nicole Kidman, who appeared nude in The Blue Room, was not nominated. And I just want to say one thing to the committee: thanks….Because the last thing we need is for her to get nominated, and then have other hot, young actresses take their clothes off on Broadway. Thanks again. [scattered applause]

This week, Judd Nelson announced it’ll be his last season on the show “Suddenly Susan.” Where the hell is he going? Hey, Judd! It was a nice comeback, but don’t get too frisky, you know?…Call Andrew McCarthy, ask him what it’s like to eat out of a garbage can, buddy boy. [groans and boos]…All right. He’s not really eating out of a garbage can!

According to an investigative report, Tae-Bo creator Billy Blanks has been misleading people about his credentials, including being a nine-time world champion and captain of the Olympic karate team. See that? I should kick his ass….And I would, too, but I’m only on my second tape.

Two upcoming presidential biographies claim Abraham Lincoln was a homosexual. Apparently he plunged the country into civil war, because he hated cotton….I guess if George Washington was the father of our country, then Abraham Lincoln’s the unmarried uncle nobody talks about. [little reaction]

This week, the first advance reviews of the new Star Wars movie came out. Really excited about it is Jimmy Fallon!

[pan over to Jimmy, who has his guitar]

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Colin….In – in two weeks, uhh, the big movie comes out, and I’m totally psyched to see it, man. Uh, the buildup is huge, I mean, there’s people camped out for weeks just to get tickets, you know?

[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Every Morning” by Sugar Ray; lights dim to blue]

“Every morning there’s a line around my corner ’cause I live next to the Cineplex
The scalpers wanted, like, two hundred for a ticket; didn’t have it, so I wrote them a check
I just can’t believe it, George Lucas is a genius, Star Wars is back again
First I’m gonna see it, and then I’m gonna see it again

Every morning
“Shut the door baby, the movie just started.”
‘Cause every morning–” [song ends]

Something like that. And Sam – Sam Jackson’s [cheers and applause] in it, too. He’s, uh…he’s cool, man. He – he’s cool, he’s gonna play this guy, uh, named Mace Windu.

[sings a parody of “My Name Is” by Eminem with the song’s accompanying beat; does not play guitar]

“Hi, kids! Do you like sci-fi action with Sam Jackson?
Gonna blow up like Titanic with Bill Paxton
Cool brother with the bald head and goatee
Isn’t he the first black guy to be in Star Wars since Billy Dee?

Hi! My name is– what?
My name is– who?
My name is– chik-a-chik-a
Mace Windu!” [end of song; cheers and applause]

And uh, [laughs] I’m, uh…my all-time, uh…my all-time favorite – favorite character is still one of my all-time favorites, so I’m psyched to see him. So it’s gonna be like, uh…

[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Livin’ La Vida Loca” by Ricky Martin]

“He says the Force is with you, then he leans on a small cane
He’ll make you lift things up without him, he’ll make you use your brain
And then you’ll go insane

Gives Jedi advice, livin’ la vida Yoda
He won’t tell you twice, livin’ la vida Yoda
A swamp is where he lives, he looks like Abe Vigoda
He tells it like it is, livin’ la vida Yoda
Livin’ la vida Yoda
Livin’ la vida Yoda.” [end of song; cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Colin: Jimmy Fallon, everybody!

Jimmy: Thank you.

Colin: Jimmy Fallon! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! Good night!

[Jimmy plays the melody to the Ricky Martin song]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 18

98r: Cuba Gooding Jr. / Ricky Martin

Cuba Gooding Jr.’s Monologue

…..Cuba Gooding, Jr.
Female Audience Member…..Tina Fey
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Cuba Gooding, Jr.

Cuba: It is great to be back in New York. Actually, actually I was born in the South Bronx and I know you people know the South Bronx! Yeah, it’s good to see the old neighborhood…from the safety of a helicopter. When they asked me to host the show myfirst reaction naturally was great, it’ll be so nice to go back home, and my second was, how much do I get paid?

Audience member: (Blurts out) Show me the money!

Cuba: They told me — hey, listen now, wait, watch out, it’s my show. They told me, they told me a thousand dollars. Now, I’m a famous movie star, c’mon I won an Oscar for Jerry Maguire. A thousand dollars? A thousand dollars so you know, you know what I had to say to ’em. I said, “Can I have fifteen hundred?” and they said yes so it all worked out. So, I’m here in New York and I’m walking to work and I pass a Brinks armored truck in front of a bank. I’ve never seen a whole truck filled with stacks of hundred dollar bills, so I went up to the two guards and I said, “Can I check out what’s in the truck? May I peruse thecurrency?”

Crewmember guy’s mind: This I weird, why doesn’t he just say, “Show me the money?” He’s gotta say it. Say it!

Cuba: So, I went on my way. And later I ran into a friend of mine who had just bought some really old civil war coins, you know? And he was describing them to me and telling me how great they were. So I just looked at him and I was like, “Hey! Can I take a gander at those coins?” and he said, “Hey man c’mon, c’mon ask me the way I want you to ask me. What’s the magic phrase, what’s the phrase from that movie?” so I said, “Okay, fine, I’ll say it I’ll say it…Gimme the gun, Trey!” you know that’s from Boyz in the Hood.

Female audience member’s mind: (Sitting in audience) Just say, “Show me the money”, c’mon. I’m gonna get up there and say it. (Starts to get up then sits back down) No I’m not.

Horatio Sanz’s mind: (Off stage) You sick son of a bitch! Just say, “Show me the money”, dah, say it!

Jimmy Fallon’s mind: (Off stage) This is the guy, right? This is the guy who said it right; I’m not crazy, right? Maybe it’s not him, maybe I’m crazy. Oh my God, I’m crazy! Oh no wait, wait it is him. Okay, all right calm down. Don’t let anyone see you. Maintain…maintain.

Horatio Sanz’s mind: Why doesn’t he just say, “Show me the money?” I can’t believe this, Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon’s mind: I know, why doesn’t he just say it, Horatio? Wait a minute, how are we talking to each other in our thoughts? Oh my God! I am crazy! Why can’t he just say, “Show me the money!”

Cuba: …and I ended up passing on it. We’re gonna have a great time tonight, and oh…by the way, Show me the money! (Proceeds to do some break dance/touchdown dance thing)

Submitted by: Joe Ibañez

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 18

98r: Cuba Gooding Jr. / Ricky Martin

Looking for Monica II

Barbara Walters……Cheri Oteri

Barbara Walters: Hola. Donde esta la Monica Lewinsky?

[ no response ]

Barbara Walters: Le Monica, le in turner con nos belones grandes.

[ crowd laughs ]

Barbara Walters: Le Monica le chica con thong for presidential.

Janitor: Ah! Ella es a fue por alli. Le esta traendo pizza para Lorne Michaels.

Barbara Walters: Ah!

[ Walters gives the janitor some change ]

Barbara Walters: Here you are. Gracias.

[ Walters walks away and the janitor throws away the money angrily ]

Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 18

98r: Cuba Gooding Jr. / Ricky Martin

Looking for Monica I

…..Molly Shannon
…..Tim Meadows
Barbara Walters……Cheri Oteri

[ applause ]

Molly Shannon: Oh my god, Ricky Martin is so cute.

Tim Meadows: I know… God, it’s crazy.

Molly Shannon: Yeah.

Tim Meadows: Oh, he’s so cute.

Barbara Walters: Pardon me. I’m… Barbara Walters. World-renowned celebrity journalist, veteran anchor, and co-host of the hard-hitting news magazine, 20/20. Can you tell me where I might find tonight’s host, Miss Monica Lewinsky?

Molly Shannon: Well, she’s not the host, actually.

Barbara Walters: You see, I have to return a pack of gum to her. She left it in her dressing room right after our highly-rated, exclusive interview, on ABC.

Tim Meadows: Well, um, I could give it to her if you want.

Barbara Walters: I prefer to see her in person.

Molly Shannon: Well… it’s just a pack of gum. I mean, she probably doesn’t even care.

Barbara Walters: For the love of Pete, quit grilling me, you hussy. [ gasp ] Aah.

Tim Meadows: Why da-, why do you wanna see her so bad?

Barbara Walters: If you must know, Tim, I have more questions to ask about the phone sex. You see, I’m in a long-distance relationship with Rupert Murdoch, and I’m ready to take it to the next level. So, I need her advice.

Molly Shannon: Hm, you know what? Maybe try the ninth floor dressing rooms.

Barbara Walters: Ninth floor dressing rooms.

Molly Shannon: Mm-hm.

Barbara Walters: Where are they?

Tim Meadows: Ninth floor.

Barbara Walters: Aah. [ walking away ]: Monica… Monica…

Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 18

98r: Cuba Gooding Jr. / Ricky Martin

Lotto II

Black Man…..Tracy Morgan
Country Man…..Chris Kattan
Gas Station Attendant…..Horatio Sanz

[fade up to a black man]

Black man: The odds was against me.

[cut to a gas station attendant]

Gas station attendant: “Why don’t you give up?” they said.

[cut to a country man]

Country man: “People like you are just wasting your time.”

[cut to a middle-aged woman talking; moderately soft piano music plays throughout the rest of the commercial]

Announcer: All across America, people like these are [cut to a Native American man talking] proving the experts wrong. Believing in themselves and beating the odds. [dissolve to Lotto logo] Lotto.

[cut to an Asian woman]

Asian woman: I didn’t give up. [fade up caption “$50 Winner”]

[cut to country man]

Country man: I didn’t give up. [fade up caption “Won Extra Play”]

[cut to gas station attendant]

Gas station attendant: I didn’t give up. [fade up caption “$75 Winner,” then fade up “Shared with four co-workers” underneath]

[cut to Native American man]

Native American man: I didn’t give up. [dissolve to wider shot of Native American man with the other five people behind him; fade up caption “$11 Million Jackpot,” then fade up “Missed by only two digits” underneath]

[cut to Lotto logo]

Announcer: Lotto.

[cut to black man]

Black man: Don’t ever let them tell you you can’t make it. [fade up caption “Non-Winner”]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 18

98r: Cuba Gooding Jr. / Ricky Martin

Lotto I

Father…..Will Ferrell
Mother…..Molly Shannon

[Fade up to a dissolving series of slow-moving shots of a baby in a home, along with its mother and father loving it and taking care of it. The last shot in the series is the father, worried. The song “Always” by Patsy Cline plays throughout the commercial.]

Song:
“I’ll be loving you, always
With a love that’s true, always…”

Voiceover: You love them so much. And because you love them, you owe it to them to think about the future. Life doesn’t always work out the way we’ve planned. What would happen to them if something happened to you? [dissolve from the worried father to Lotto logo] Lotto. [fade up “for the ones you love” underneath the logo] For the ones you love.

[cut to a shot of the baby]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 18

98r: Cuba Gooding Jr. / Ricky Martin

The Ladis Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
…..Monica Lewinsky

[fade up to Leon Phelps sitting in his room with “The Ladies’ Man” superimposed; lights are down]

Voiceover: Oh yeah! It’s time for The Ladies’ Man!

[title fades out, lights come up]

Leon Phelps: Hey hey…[laughs] Thank you! What’s happenin’ everybody, and welcome to “The Ladies’ Man.” The loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries! I’m Leon Phelps, and how y’all doin’ tonight? Hm? [cheers and applause] Yeah….That’s good. I’m doin’ pretty fine, I’ve got my [shows bottle of Courvoisier] Courvoisier right here! [some applause] That’s right! And very soon, I will take your calls, but before I take any calls, I will be joined tonight by a very sexy and very special lady, who has done more to educate this country on the ways of love than anyone else on the planet. Will you please welcome my guest, Ms. Monica [claps] Lewinsky. [cheers and applause] Come on [stands up] everybody! Yeah!

[enter Monica Lewinsky]

Monica Lewinsky: Thank you! [she and Leon kiss each other on the cheek]

Leon: Ooh, yeah! Have a seat. [he and Monica sit down] Oh, you are looking good, baby!

Monica: Oh, thank you!

Leon: Ye-e-eah! Now, Miss Lewinsky will be quite helpful to us because, uh, I have been told that when it comes to matters of the heart in her own personal relationships, uh, she is known for showing very good judgment, is that correct?

Monica: That’s right, Leon.

Leon: That’s right.

Monica: In fact, um…I’d say I’ve really only been wrong once!

Leon: M hm! Well, you know, we all make mistakes, you know? That’s why God invented the Mexican divorce, you know? So uh, how about we take some calls, all right?

Monica: Okay.

Leon: All right….Go ahead caller, you’ve got “The Ladies’ Man.”

Caller #1: Hello, Ladies’ Man?

Leon: Oooh, it’s a lady! Ha ha! What seems to be your query?

Caller #1: Um, I’m worried, um, I’ve started a relationship with someone at work.

Leon: Yeah. Well, you know, I know that they always say that you should not dip your wang in the company ink, um, but…you know, I think that people should feel free to dip their wangs into anything around the office. You know…Wite-Out, coffee, a box of paper clips, it does not matter.

Caller #1: Right, right. Well, well a – anyway, this guy at work is considerably [Leon takes a sip of Courvoisier] older than me…

Leon: Mm.

Caller #1: …and also, he’s my boss.

Leon: Oh, your boss? Uh, well Monica, maybe you should answer this one.

Caller #1: Um…

Monica: Um, well, I’d say it’s not a good idea to get involved with people you work with. Believe me. Uh, [chuckles] first, people around the office start gossiping, and the next thing you know, your face is all over Arabic newspapers.

Leon: Ye-eah! I know that’s what happens to me all the time!…Anyway, let’s take another call, go ahead, caller.

Caller #2: Hello, Ladies’ Man. Um, my long-time boyfriend recently took a job in another [takes a sip of Courvoisier] state, and this long-distance relationship is really tearing us apart.

Leon: [after a long pause] M hm.

Caller #2: You know, so, do you think we should try phone sex?

Leon: No. Absolutely not. Um, as one who has tried it, I can tell you it is not good idea to have sex with a phone….Yeah.

Monica: Leon, that’s not what phone sex is.

Leon: [chuckles] Yeah listen, I know, Monica, um…but I had to try it anyways, you know? U – um…you know, I was really drunk one time, and uh…you know, it was one of those, uh, Garfield phones, and uh [some applause]…I’ll be damned if that little orange bastard didn’t start looking good one night! [applause]…But anyway, Monica, maybe the – maybe you can shed some light on the subject.

Monica: [chuckles nervously] Well, um, I did have phone sex with this one guy…

Leon: [nods] Mm.

Monica: His name doesn’t really matter.

Leon: Ye-e-eah! Uh, why don’t we just call him “William Howard Taft,” all right?…And I think you know who I mean by “William Howard Taft.”

Monica: Anyway caller, uh, my only advice about phone sex would be if you do it…don’t tell anybody about it!

Leon: Hm hmm! Well, you know, you could probably tell your best friend though, right?

Monica: No. [chuckles dryly]

Leon: Well, I mean if she was an older, unattractive type lady? [cheers and applause]…Huh? [he and Monica look at each other and laugh]

Monica: Definitely not!

Leon: Okay then! That’s your answer there, caller, thank you!…Next caller.

[cars are zooming by in the background of caller #3’s line]

Caller #3: [undistinguishable between male or female] Hello, Ladies’ Man?

Leon: Heey, it’s a…well, I’m not sure what it is, exactly.

Caller #3: It’s Linda Tripp, Leon.

Leon: Ohhh, well it’s Linda Tripp, [cut to picture of Linda Tripp as played by John Goodman with caption “ON PHONE: Linda Tripp”] everybody! [cheers and applause] Welcome, uh…welcome to the show, Linda!

Linda Tripp: Thanks, Leon.

[cut to Leon and Monica]

Leon: Uh, you have to speak up, honey, I can barely hear you.

Linda: I’m in a phone booth outside a Dunkin’ Donuts on the Jersey Turnpike. Traffic’s pretty heavy.

Monica: Figures.

Leon: Yeah, w – w…well, what seems to be your query?

Linda: Well, [clears throat] you know how I’m the most hated person in America?

Leon and Monica: [looking at each other] Yeah.

Linda: Well, I was just wondering, since you have Monica on the show, maybe she could find it in her heart to forgive me. [clicking noises are now heard on the line]

Monica: Forgive you? [Leon and she begin looking puzzled] After what…wait! What’s that clicking noise, Linda? Are you recording this?!

Linda: No. Uh, people driving by are throwing cans and bottles at me. So what do you say, Monica? Do you think you can forgive me?

Monica: No way.

Leon: Well, there you have it, uh, you heard it here first. Uh, for the rest of her life, Miss Lewinsky will hold a bitter, heart-felt grudge against John Goodman. Okay? But, um, that is all the time that we have on “The Ladies’ Man.” But before I go, uh, Monica, I’d be remissed, um, if I didn’t ask you the one question that is on everybody’s mind.

Monica: Oh. [takes a deep breath] Okay!

Leon: Okay. Just exactly how big do you think the opening weekend for Star Wars will be? [applause and cheers]

Monica: Oh…it’ll be huge.

Leon: Ye-eah, huge! I knew it! Ye-e-eah! [cheers and applause]…All right, then! Well, thank you Monica, very much, and we’ll see you next time on “The Ladies’ Man.”

[fade up title; Leon and Monica chat as the lights dim]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 18

98r: Cuba Goding, Jr. / Ricky Martin

Improvised Bible Miniseries

Jasper Flynn….Chris Parnell
Barry….Horatio Sanz
Jesus….Will Ferrell
Paul….Cuba Gooding Jr.

(Opens with a helicopter view of the TV studio andparking lot. Cut to the inside of it, TV movie set ofreligious film. Director Jasper Flynn is in the middleof the set, has a camera lens hanging from the neck,busy people on the set)

Jasper Flynn: Are they miked?

Barry: No.

Jasper Flynn: OK, we’ll go mic them. (Barry leaves)OK,people!, gather round!, gather round!(Actor dressed asJesus joins Jasper on the set and so is black actorwith a dreadlocks wig dressed as an apostle. He playsPaul) My name is Jasper Flynn and as some of you mayknow I directed “The Noah’s Ark” miniseries for ABC.

Paul: Oh, you did a really great job.

Jesus: Really good job.

Jasper Flynn: OK, simmer down. Its come to ourattention that CBS is planning a miniseries based onthe life of Jesus. So we here at NBC are going tosteal that idea and get our version out before theydo.

Jesus: Well, isn’t the CBS one coming out in 3 weeks?

Jasper Flynn: Yes, that’s why we’re starting shooting today.

Paul: Today?! I haven’t even seen a script yet.

Jasper Flynn: Oh, there is no script. No time. We’regonna have to improvise it.

Jesus: You know, I don’t feel comfortable improvising the Bible.

Paul: Yeah, I haven’t read the Bible in like 10 years.

Jasper Flynn: Hey!, don’t worry. It’ll come back toya. OK, places! This is the scene where Jesus makesPaul the disciple and….Action!

(Jasper leaves scene, biblical music plays. Actors arefrozen with fear, unsure of their movements, nervous)

Jasper Flynn: (off camera) Go ahead! Improvise!

Jesus: Hey, you must be Paul. What’s up?

Paul: Nothing. Um,um, I’m just…..with you. Becauseof the power…..of your light.

Jesus: Thanks.

Paul:(Breaks character, music stops)Look, look I don’t want to do this.

Jesus: Yeah, I don’t wanna….

Jasper Flynn:(gets up, joins the actors)That’s great!,that’s great! Keep rolling, listen just draw from yourown experiences. What would you do in this situation?Go!(leaves, music resumes)

Paul: So…you’re pretty powerful, man. You got a lot of powers. Can you fly?

Jesus: Yeah, yeah I can fly and I’ve got heat vision.

Paul: Wow!, things sure are exciting….in here olden times.

Jasper Flynn:(from his chair)Good! That was crisp! Nowremember, this is the first time you’ve met!

Jesus: So Paul…I hear you’re good at discipling.

Paul: Who,…who told you that?

Jesus: Uh,um,um, you know….Barry.

Paul: Oh, how, how is Barry, J-J-J-Jesus?

Jesus: He’s good, he’s good. Yeah, I don’t know, Barry is weird sometimes.

Paul: Yeah, I guess. Barry and I went to soccer camp together.

Jesus: Oh!

(Jasper from his director’s chair, chooses a crew member holding a boom mike next to him)

Jasper Flynn: You! I like your look. You play Barry. Get in there!

Barry: No.

Jasper Flynn: Hey!, do it! You’re Barry, go!

(Barry mic on hand and contemporary street clothesreluctantly joins the religious scene with Paul andJesus)

Barry: Hey, losers.

Paul: What’s up Barry?

Jesus: How is it going, B-man?

Barry: Well, what’s up Jesus? (Breaks character) Come on, man! This stinks!

Jasper Flynn: Cut!, cut! That was great! That was great! (Joins them on the scene)

Paul: No, it wasn’t.

Jasper Flynn: Aaaaah!, I think we’re into something!OK, we’ve got that scene. Let’s go to the part whereJesus betrays Barry.

Paul: What?!

Jesus: Wait, wait. Jesus betrays Barry? That’s not in the Bible.

Jasper Flynn: Well, the National Broadcasting Companysays it is. So, action! (leaves)

Jesus: You, you should probably make an entrance.

Barry: Oh. (leaves)

Paul: So, what’s up with Barry? Is he coming to theparty you’re having tonight or what?

Jesus: No, he can’t. You didn’t hear? Barry died.

Jasper Flynn: Ha, ha, ha. Nice try. Cue Barry!Go! (pushes Barry out to the scene)

Barry: What’s up Jesus? You talking smack about me?

Jesus: What if I am?

Barry: Well, then I’ll beat you till I break a sweat!How about that! (drops mic, pushes Jesus)

Jesus: All right!(pushes back)

Barry: You want some of this!(Paul breaks them up)

Paul: Come on!, come on! Come on, Barry! Come on,Jesus! Don’t fight, you guys! I mean, come on! Youguys have been friends since the Coast Guard. I mean,Jesus you named your kid Barry! So, come on guys. Whatdo you say we get a bucket of cold Rolling Rocks andsit on a roof and watch the planes land, huh? Come on.

Barry: OK.

(Breaks character one more time)

Jesus: This sucks!

Jasper Flynn: Hey! Zip it, Jesus!

(Fades to black)

(Caption: Two Weeks Later)

Promo: NBC Miniseries. The New Testament

Announcer: And now the conclusion of the epic sagathat is “The New Testament” on NBC.

(Cut to a modern times teenager room. Posters, softrock music plays. Jesus sits on the edge of bed andlifts weights with his right arm. Paul playsbasketball with little sponge ball and little baskethoop that’s on top of the dresser)

Caption: Jerusalem 30 A.D.

Paul: Hey, Jesus! Where’s Barry at?

(Barry walks in the door)

Barry: What’s up, bro-hams!!

Paul: What you been up to, Bare?!!(shake hands)

Barry: Hey, man! I don’t know. Killing the devil. Barry Power!!!

(Scene freezes with Barry raising his fist, big smile on his face)

Caption: THE END?

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 8th, 1999

Cuba Gooding, Jr.

Ricky Martin

None

Monica Lewinsky

Tina Fey

John Goodman

Lorne Michaels
Clinton’s DreamSummary: Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) imagines his post-presidential life with his second wife, Monica Lewinsky.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Vernon Jordan, Betty Currie.

Note: During the live show, the dog runs off the set before President Clinton can pet him.

Montage

Cuba Goodinght, Jr.’s MonologueSummary: The audience waits on pins and needles for Cuba Gooding Jr. to say his signature catch phrase, “Show me the money!”

Transcript

Lotto ITranscript

Improvised Bible MiniseriesSummary: In a bold creative move, a TV-movie director (Chris Parnell) asks his actors (Cuba Gooding Jr., Will Ferrell) to improvise the dialogue for a Bible-based miniseries.

Transcript

Looking for Monica ISummary: Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri) scours the halls of Studio 8-H in search of Monica Lewinsky.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Transcript

Pretty LivingRecurring Characters: Gayle Gleason, Helen Madden.

Lotto IITranscript

The Ladies ManSummary: Ladies Man Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) welcomes Monica Lewinsky to the show.

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Set in high school, “AmbiguoBoys” serves as prequel to the adventures of the Ambiguously Gay Duo.

Looking for Monica IIRecurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Transcript

Ricky Martin performs “Livin’ La Vida Loca”

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnRecurring Characters: Jesse Jackson.

Transcript

Cuba Loves MangoSummary: Cuba Gooding, Jr.’s obsession with Mango (Chris Kattan) leads to the discovery that the flamboyant enigma has a wife (Molly Shannon) and family.

Recurring Characters: Mango.

Lotto III

Martha Stewart LivingRecurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Looking for Monica IIIRecurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 17

98q: John Goodman / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
…..Tracy Morgan
Collette Reardon…..Cheri Oteri

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Oh, ho! Thank you folks! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn. Thank you! Na…ah ha!

According to recent polls, a growing number of Americans are in favor of sending ground troops to Kosovo. And it should be noted that a hundred percent of those polled are not in the armed forces.

U.S. and NATO officials announced this week that the U.S. has taken 20,000 ethnic Albanian refugees to help ease Europe’s worst humanitarian catastrophe since World War II. However, U.S. immigration officials stressed that there is a limit to what America can handle. [photo of Roberto Benigni]

Today, President Clinton took a day off from dealing with NATO’s bombing of Kosovo and spent it playing golf at Camp David. After his round, a refreshed President told reporters, “You know, O.J.’s right. This game does take your mind off killing people.”

When President Clinton met with Chinese premier Zhu Rongji, he had planned to criticize the Chinese leader for his country’s human rights violations. Until Al Gore told him, “Hey, be cool. I need illegal contributions for my campaign too, you know.”

This week, the president of Taiwan reaffirmed the island nation’s demand to be recognized as an equal to its giant rival, China. The collective response from the United Nations was, “Come on.”

Liddy Dole declared this week that she opposed abortion, except in the case of rape, incest, and when the woman’s life is threatened. It should be noted these are also her views on sex.

A possible mistrial in the Whitewater case against Susan McDougal occurred Friday when a juror brought a law book into the jury room. The judge was upset, saying he didn’t “want any of that law stuff influencing the jurors.”

Presidential hopeful Dan Quayle has been critical of NATO, and demanded to know when they dropped the “E.” [cheers and applause]

Now, here to talk…about the latest in hip-hop fashion, is “Weekend Update” correspondent Tracy Morgan.

[pan over to Tracy, who is wearing a red FUBU sweatshirt]

Tracy Morgan: Thanks, Colin! Thanks, man. Check out this cool shirt I’m wearin’ — it’s by a company called FUBU. [fade up caption “FUBU/For Us, By Us] FUBU means “For Us, By Us.” And that’s [fade out caption] because these clothes are designed by black people for black people. And I think it’s about time, because we’ve been the puppets of the fashion industry for too long.

Because before FUBU, all Nike gave us was FUBAK: [fade up caption “FUBAK/For Us By Asian Kids”] For Us By Asian Kids.

And for [fade out caption] all y’all runnin’ around buying up Tommy Hilfiger gear, remember that stuff FU – is FUBRAWD: [fade up caption “FUBRAWD/For Us Blacks By A Rich-Ass White Dude”] For Us Blacks By A Rich-Ass White Dude….Believe me, [fade out caption] before we started buying all his clothes, the only – only time Tommy Hilfiger ever saw a black dude was on a Lionel Richie album cover.

And now my kids all want Timberland boots. Here we go. Timberland boots are D’FRYCKBWEBEN: [fade up caption “D’FRYCKBWEBEN: Designed For Yuppie Rock Climbers, But Worn Exclusively By Negroes”] Designed for Yuppie Rock Climbers, But Worn Exclusively By Negroes. [shakes head; some applause, fade out caption]

Then yesterday my wife told me she wanted a Prada bag. I told her Prada bags were FUJU – [fade up caption “FUHABJAP: For Halle Berry and Jada Pinkett] FUHABJAP: For Halle Berry and Jada Pinkett only. So don’t axe me for one again until you start looking like them.

Anyway, I’m not saying that the races have to stay totally separate, I’m just saying…that I don’t think there’s been a fair exchange so far. Look at the stuff the black community has created that’s for you, by us. [fade up caption “FYBU/Jazz, The NBA, Will Smith] We gave you jazz, the NBA, a – and Will Smith. [fade out caption] And what have you come up with especially for us? Malt liquor, [fade up caption “FUBY/Malt Liquor, Kool Cigarettes, The McRib Sandwich] Kool cigarettes and the – and the McRib Sandwich. [looks off to the side in disgust; some applause, fade out caption]

I mean, we desire reparation, so I – I guess, uh, what I’m trying to say is, uh, [to Colin] give me a hundred dollars.

Colin: Get outta here! [Tracy gives him a surprised and disappointed look] Tracy Morgan, everybody!

Tracy: FUBU. Buy some FUBU.

The Ringling Brothers-Barnum and Bailey Circus, which is now at Madison Square Garden, has the first black ringmaster in its history: Johnathan Lee Iverson. Iverson says he loves life in the circus; the thrills, the excitement, the fat lady’s ass….Ooo!

In Moscow this week, Lenin’s embalmed body is back on display in Red Square after a month of being cleaned and refurbished. The method employed to cleanse Lenin’s corpse is the same system used to prepare Cher for the “Believe” video. [some applause]

At the Pope’s Easter mass last Sunday, there was an estimated 40-minute wait on line for communion. Except for those Catholics who had E-ZPass.

It was announced this week that Paul Simon and Bob Dylan will tour together this summer. Simon and Dylan are expected to outdraw the hastily thrown together rival tour, Garfunkelpalooza.

Julie Krone, thoroughbred racing’s most successful female jockey, announced her retirement this week at the age of 35. Friends say Krone now wants to focus on her lifelong dream of getting her period.

According to a BBC Radio poll, the top – top song of the century is the Beatles’ “Yesterday”…followed by “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” and “White Christmas.” Last on the list: any song with the words “achy” or “breaky” in it.

Because of the risque photos of teen pop singer Britney Spears in a recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine, Nestle may back out of sponsoring her summer concert tour. But the tour will go on after lining up [photo of Bill Clinton] a new sponsor.

Charlize Theron is upset about appearing nude in this month’s issue of Playboy, saying she intended the photos for her private use. I guess that makes two of us.

And last week, Al Gore celebrated his 51st birthday at a private White House ceremony. Gore was given a cake, blew out the candles, and made a wish. [photo of New York Times headline that reads “Republicans Nominate Quayle”]

Allergy season is here, and advertisers are inundating us with ads for new prescription drug remedies. Here to clear things up is our resident prescription drug expert, Collette Reardon.

[pan over to Collette, a middle-aged, heavily drug-induced woman with several bottles of prescription drugs in front of her]

Collette Reardon: Hi, Col! Col, can you believe all the choices out there for allergy relief, huh? It’s a good time to be medicated! Good time! Good time! You got Allegra, Tavist-D, Zyrtec, little Joanie London’s got my head spinnin’ about Claritin-D — it’s all good!

Colin: [nodding] So I see.

Collette: But, heck! Allergy season! Allergies can be brutal, especially around the holidays, Col. And this last one — what a doozy!

Colin: You mean Easter?

Collette: That’s her!…I get to the Easter parade, right? I’m sportin’ my best bonnet. But I’m worried about my itchy eyes acting up, Col! So I take a fistful of Allegra, along with 2,000 millies of Percodan, [shows her bandaged right index finger] for my finger!

Colin: [a little confused] Of course.

Collette:: Right. Well, I must’ve been about as high as a hot air balloon in the clearing nest, ’cause the next thing, I’m riding piggy-back on a tuba player from the Loyola marching band, Col! [laughs, then waves to an audience member] Hi, Kev!…Well…Col, apparently peach schnapps doesn’t mix well with the Darvon drip I take for my runny nose.

Colin: A Darvon drip for a runny nose? Ever try Kleenex?

Collette: Ha HAH!

Colin: I’m serious!

Collette: So later on…later on that day, they tell me that in mah stupor I cut up about four police officers and tried to restrain them. Next morning, I’m waking up at the NYPD hotel and casino, feeling a little like MacKenzie Phillips circa 1983, Col! [laughs]…Luckily, I had a – I – I had a pocketful of Benzadrene, chased that with some codeine eye drops, and guess who was on time for her Monday morning Pap smear?

Colin: I – I’m guessing you.

Collette: You’re guessing right! [laughs] And…I’m happy to say that I passed the smear with [swings her arms like a champion] flying colors.…Thanks to my OB/GYN, friend, and lover, Dr. van Cleef Arpill! Good hands, good hands!

Colin: Well, uh…congratulations, Mrs. Reardon.

Collette: [eyeing Colin] That’s Ms. Reardon, sausage smuggler. [applies lipstick harriedly]…Say, Col…the Puerto [Spanish accent] Rican Day parade is just around the corner. How ’bout you meet me for some fried dough at the porta-potty on 83rd and 5th?

Colin: [playing along] Yeah, sure. I’ll be there. Collette Reardon, everybody. [Collette laughs, then grabs her drugs and goes over to Colin] I’m Colin Quinn. That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it.

Collette: You stick to it! [Colin laughs] You stick to it! [leaves]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts